Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 155356
date submitted 06.05.2009
date updated 13.09.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

The Öbergemau Key

Jose Carlos Cavazos

One pissed-off Jewish American financial fraud investigator takes on a neo-Nazi and Islamic conspiracy to save Her Majesty's life



 

Former United States Army sniper Jonathan Templemann investigates fraud for an upscale accounting outfit. Traversing the globe from London in the firm’s private jet, the forensic accountant circulates amongst Britain’s wealthy and celebrity elite, recovering their embezzled funds.

An enemy from Jonathan’s military past seeks revenge for a tragic incident that occurred during the Iraq War. This neo-Nazi criminal mastermind now coordinates a multi-national conspiracy, code-named Öbergemau, and has positioned Jonathan to be the patsy in a diabolical plan involving simultaneous worldwide terrorist attacks that will divert attention from the real crime: the United Kingdom’s greatest electronic monies theft ever.

As Jonathan works his firm’s most notorious and feared case, he uncovers the right-wing nationalist and Islamic partnership to assassinate Her Majesty by using Jonathan’s girlfriend, Lady Lesley, as an unknowing weapon carrier. The Queen’s demise will initiate Öbergemau, creating mass casualties on a global scale.

Time is running out.

Inspired by my Persian Gulf War combat experience, Corporate America assignments, and vast international travels, this page-turning story crackles with energy and verve, surprising twists and turns.

HarperCollins’ editors described The Öbergemau Key as “a swiftly paced, action-packed international thriller that invites comparison to Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming.”

 
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angkor wat, auschwitz, bangkok, belfast, born again, bosnian croats, british national party, buddhism, cambodia, christian, crucifixion, death camps, ...

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PREVIOUS SPRING

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

Angkor Wat complex, Siem Reap, Cambodia

 

 

IT IS A TUK TUK RIDE at four in the morning from nearby Siem Reap where we gather at a small hotel that is located away from the subtle Las Vegas style hotels along the wide French boulevards, far behind the gate-like shrubs that keep the undesirables away because they serve the wealthy tourists. The out-of-tune motor vibrates my body throughout, my butt and lower extremities now numb, my teeth chattering in reaction.

In the pre-dawn darkness I profusely sweat in the backseat, informally dressed in my khaki pants and short sleeve cotton only white shirt. A constant tropical heat requires me to skip formal business attire. The instructions are that I am to arrive alone, but Saigon Bear Cub convinces me he and a support crew should come along, not out of loyalty, but to protect their meal ticket. They are assembled in several tuk tuks behind me as we make our way to the Angkor Wat main entrance gate. Amazingly, there is a traffic jam at this time of the morning. Apparently this is a daily tourist ritual to watch the sun come up over the main wat, which is considered the largest religious complex in the world, even greater than Vatican City.

But I am not here to admire the view, take pictures or socialize as there is urgency to this situation. Once I am comfortable that my back-up can see me from their vantage point, I jump out of the seat with my laptop weighing me down, make my way to the two main tall stone markers onto the causeway over the moat that once insulated this original Hindi, now Buddhist, temple from the first millennial world.

Throngs of people move pass me as I make my way among them. There are groups of every possible nationality, different languages, conversational gestures, tour guide voices filling the air like a United Nations assembly. Somehow they will find me here in this mass of humanity. Exhaling a breath, I glance at the main temple in the distance where the sun will rise over its apex. Looking around, I barely see my crew in the gray morning light. Briefly I go blind as the flash bulbs start going off nearby. It becomes a festival of lights.

The tour guides wave their little flags of their respective countries and lines of Asians snake around me, their exhortation to please stay together evident as the elbowing, foot crushing begins. For a moment, I think it is a ridiculous sight when a voice with an Asian accent says to me, “All great civilizations must come to an end. This is what history tells us if you study it. You think the Ottomans were going to rule the Middle East forever? Alexander the Great’s experience should have showed them that wasn’t possible. But the clash of civilizations is inevitable, allows humanity to move forward in progress.

    Turning to the voice, I see a man who must have got separated from his Japanese tour group. He is small, in his fifties, with black socks and flat shoes. His belly is big and his light blue short sleeve shirt matches his shorts. A cloth with wide brim hat covers his balding head and to complete the cliché ensemble, the digital camera is on a thick band of cloth around his neck. “You see,” he says, stepping up and down on his tippy toes in seeming exercise, “even the Khmer were a great empire for many years that built this magnificent palace that now stands to the ages forever.”

His eyes never look at me, instead gazing at the temple in the eastern background which faces us in the western entrance. “And look at their descendents, killing each other for how many years, cutting off the heads of statues and selling them so they can eat?” His head shakes sadly, looks up at me. “It’s a tragedy that their legacy comes to that. That’s the problem with communism. It works on paranoia and fear. How many millions did Stalin kill to achieve his aims?”

I’m sorry, are you a tour guide here?”

“No... no, I’m not but I think I can help you in what you are looking for.” He indicates with his head to follow him, which is what I do, down a naga-lined causeway. Nagas are mythical creatures from Khmer history with six or seven heads that man the bridge between man and gods, guardians of wealth. While heading towards the main wat itself, he asks finally, “I see that you are one of Her Majesty’s subjects. God save the Queen and all that bollocks.

I’m American actually.”

He frowns. “I am Yamamoto, and no, I am not related to him, the admiral who attacked Pearl Harbor. This is the first question Americans will always ask.

“Not to be abrupt but I don’t know who’s running this circus and I have a deadline I am trying to make.” My sense of desperation seems to have no affect. He stops to take photos and is oblivious to my presence. Yamamoto glances at me as he unconsciously presses at his shirt, the belly jutting out like an unwelcome sight he has to retract. Somehow I get the feeling he does not like me, but I am not running for class president and ask again for the information I have travelled this distance for.

“As I was saying, Angkor sees all, knows all, because Angkor is the people, the Khmer, before politics got involved and destroyed the harmony of the people. The Year Zero? Only that dead idiot Pol Pot could have come up with such a stupid idea to create a new empire. So many people lost their lives … for what?

“Look Yamamoto, I know you are going somewhere with this but I am really in a rush here. Can you understand this? Now, I paid good, very good money back in Saigon for that transfer authority and I’ll compensate you well for whatever information you have--”

“You’re an American?” a young woman abruptly asks, looking up at me. Her accent sounds Spanish.

“Yes, I am, but I’m kinda busy right now, ma’am,” I reply, moving along, hoping Yamamoto follows me.

She follows behind me as we head to the main structure. “What is wrong with your country? Huh? What is wrong with you all? You bring nothing but disaster to the Middle East and the world for your oil needs,” she states in a pissy tone. “You bully the whole world for your oil demands! Have you not read Reinhold Niebuhr’s Moral Man and Immoral Society?

Agitated and out of time, I snap, “Look lady, even Reinhold Niebuhr said Christianity needed military force and not just pie in the sky love to cure life’s injustices. And I don’t have the time. Get the hint! Bugger off!

“You arrogant little …She goes about how wrong America is, how we have taken the wrong course in global politics and how can I vote for such war mongers? This is not the first time I have heard this in my travels but I really have no patience, nor time for further rebuttal.

Ok, that was random, but I’m here for a reason, Yamamoto.” 

“We know where the boy is … Ireland.”

He’s no longer in Vietnam? You have more specifics?”

“Yes, Mister Fagin. We are working on the new transfer.”

There was a second transfer? How soon can I get this info?”

“We are hoping within a day or two but we may have a problem.

“And that is?”

“O’Reilly has changed up his methods since you found him in Saigon. He has taken all records of his wiring and bank accounts and destroyed them. He has taken photos of the accounts and it is now the only known record available. We have to find that film negative to find the accounts.”

The idea sinks in my head. This is going to be a nightmare tracking down a roll of 35mm negative. Who even uses film in this digital day and age?  

There were also two reasons why we asked you to meet here in Angkor and to be alone. One, we had to make sure you are not working for the government as an undercover plant. The government likes nothing more than to have show trials to reveal that communism is the perfect system and that greedy bureaucrats are the worse examples of what Uncle Ho preached against, corruption from within. Second, you cannot return to Saigon.

We climb the stairs of the main temple. The gray light of morning has turned visible as I see SBC and his crew keeping an eye on me. The crush of people earlier has dissipated into the surrounding jungle and temples. A lithe, brown Cambodian man in a brown shirt and black pants set too high smile as he approaches us, hands clasped together. Bending down, both Yamamoto and myself return the hand gesture. Handing us smoking incense sticks, we offer it to a small, gray Buddha statue with a garland of yellow flowers around his neck and nod before it with clasped hands together. Yamamoto slips the man some cash. Making our way to a far corner, we are alone, and though we keep our voices low, it still amplifies within the ancient stone walls around us.

“It’s far too dangerous for your return to Vietnam as too many eyes and ears are there. You do not have friends there. Someone may be after you.

“Who?”

“We don’t know but they are not friendly towards your goal.Yamamoto’s eyes are sharp, piercing black pools of knowledge that draw me in. He rotates his shoulders to relax them. “

And you are sure, very sure Sean is in Ireland?

No place like home. He is in Dublin, taking side trips to Belfast.He takes the camera from around his neck, messes with settings and hands it to me as he presses forward through the digital pics. “This is O’Reilly in the Temple Bar section yesterday afternoon local time. Looks like he’s enjoying a pint or two. You know the Irish. Never try to drink them under the table. You’ll lose every time.”

I do not comment on the cliché. As I check my messages on the iPhone after finding a weak signal, Yamamoto shows me to a bare bones diner nearby as he arranges transportation for me from under a long, grass covered roof hut, which some of the over exerted tourists have taken refuge from the tropical sun that now seems to be melting everything in its path.

Lesley says she has been spending even more time helping Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you-don’t’. My stomach cinches on itself. Jealous I should not be but I am. That news and the heat have taken my appetite and carrying around my laptop conspires to zap what’s left of my energy. The local kids are immune, walk around with homemade wares of all kinds hanging from their little arms. They know how to sell; they head straight to the women who fall for their little pitches who are so busy oohing and awwing over their little brown cute faces, they’ll buy anything offered up.

“Now that is the job for you,” Yamamoto remarks. A barefooted, young, twentish bald headed Asian monk in a gold and red robe walks with his bowl and nods to every little venue he stands in front of. Clasping his hands together, nodding his head, he is fervently whispering some kind of prayer. A woman walks out from the shaded roof with a bowl of what she sells and empties into the pot. With her hands together, she nods rapidly like the monk who is thanking her for her contribution. Then the scene repeats itself until the monk finishes with all the stalls for the morning.

What I like about Buddhists is that different factions have not been killing each other for millennia over a piece of land that belongs to everyone. But a life of piety is not for me anyway.”

“Me neither, Fagin,” Yamamoto says patting at his rotund belly as he lays into a hammock while nearby rows of chimes ring unobtrusively in the small breeze.

After reaching Dr. Patel, I tell him Ireland is my destination and to have the corporate jet waiting for me in Phnom Penh. He reminds me the pressure is mounting. It will not be long before the theft becomes public knowledge; our client’s firm was afraid of their business name being sullied. He emphasizes we have to bring this one in now. It will not be good if our own firm is associated with such a catastrophic failure, our reputation permanently tarnished.

Our client has brought in other forensic accounting firms but Dr. Patel has heard our competitors are equally stumped. Meanwhile, he is using his societal and professional connections in a discrete manner to see if we can find out the end destination of the money after it left Vietnam, save our self this hunt for the rogue trader.   

After grabbing a tuk tuk, every time we stop at a sign or light, a gaggle of local Cambodian women run up and try to sell me what looks like bread loaves and some things I can not describe even if I have a Khmer dictionary next to me, and so it becomes a slow forward progress. To add to my delay, before we reach our Mekong Delta destination where the high speed river ferry is, a funeral requires us to pull over to the side of the road. There are three lines of chanting monks carrying brass incense burners swinging them back and forth on chains. The aroma is intense but at least it covers the fetid smell of decaying garbage and trash filling the local surroundings.

As an odd tangential thought, I ring Lesley but stop myself. We both need our space as well as I observe family members walking in the procession behind the monks with an urn where the deceased now resides. A young guy holds high the placard showing the dead man’s immense black and white photo with black ribbons hanging from corner to corner. A gong somewhere amongst the people is being clanged. People stand respectfully aside, bow for the recently departed.

Lesley would not like me butting into her business, thinking I am trying to control her time with Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you-don’t’. She already knows I barely tolerate his existence. His faux cosmopolitan charms do not work on me and he knows this, for just beneath the veneer of the polished manners and high society in jokes lays an anti-Semite. They come in all colors and all cultures. 

But I can dismiss that as I do not consider myself a real member of the tribe. Instead, what agitates me are the snide remarks that Lesley is out of my class, that I am a Yank commoner, not from the genteel British aristocracy of which she belongs and should pro-create with. Get the hint, mate, birds of a feather flock together, he actually told me once. It took everything in me not to punch him out.      

While we wait, the driver puts into the gas tank two large soda bottles filled with petro that is sold on magazine metal stands. The fumes make me gag. Now I cannot wait to get my hands on O’Reilly. He has a lot to answer for. All those people he stole from deserved to have their money back, lives to be lived satisfactorily and to be buried with the same dignity and decorum this unknown Cambodian had just rendered onto him.

 

**********

 

I DO NOT TELL DR. Patel I am not going directly to Dublin or Belfast, returning to London instead. It is an insane move since it will take a day from my schedule, but I have to do it, despite possibly losing O’Reilly’s new locale, as sometimes life intervenes when you least expect it. I re-read the e-mail that came in while I had been in-country

 

Dear Jonathan,

 

I hope this message finds you well. You know, I am not much for these e-mails outside of what is necessary, but it’s a sign of our times, is it not? They invent a new contraption and we must all conform or be left behind. But this is not the reason why I write you. I got your e-mail address from Lesley and I hope you do not mind me contacting you out of the blue like this, and if I am bothering you, please accept my most humble apologies.  

 

I am somewhat conflicted contacting you about a sensitive topic, but I also have somewhat of a moral obligation to reach out, so to speak, and let you know that we have a situation that may be getting out of hand. Lesley did mention to me that you knew what has transpired recently with the organization, the accusations and innuendoes. Needless to say, this has been a dreadful time for all of us involved with the charity’s admirable goals that Lesley and her team have produced during her tenure as its director.

 

I do not know if you have been following the matter from where you are now, and I do not know what my niece has told you, but I will say, the press attention has increased and I am afraid Lesley is not faring well with this development. There almost seems to be a siege mentality now not only at her office, but at her flat as well. The reporters, or what passes as them, even disguise themselves as custodians and show up at her children’s ward. It shows to what length these dodgy newsmen will go to, if they are even qualified to be called that.

 

And the questions? They are incessant and personal, almost shouted at her as she tries to get away. It looks absolutely horrid on the telly when it is broadcasted. I almost fainted when I read one editorial in The Daily Mail yesterday. Because of these impossible conditions, she now employs minders.  

 

Her advisors are stating that she should issue a press release indicating that this is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot. She is receiving conflicting information from her employees and the committee overseeing the charity. The poor dear, it may be getting to her now. Oh, she’ll never show it; her manners are impeccable, you know that. But I am afraid we may be getting into a stage of which the organization cannot completely recover from without losing some major donors in the process.

 

Personally, I think she most worries over is the effect this matter has on the children that come to depend on this organization to survive. Lesley would never forgive herself if one child was turned down from admission because funding was withheld because of a baseless accusation. 

 

Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you-don’t’ tried to help out with his social connections but he’s too incompetent to be of any help in the real world. Rather, I know my husband has your firm on retainer because of your stellar results. I bring that up only as I believe your professional acumen can give us some guidance here. If I am not mistaken, you monitor these books as a gift to Lesley and the charity; you can prove to everyone that these rumours are scurrilous at best. If you feel you cannot get involved because of the reputation of your firm or because of your personal relationship with Lesley, I’ll completely understand. Perhaps you can recommend someone that can help us in this situation, if so?

 

Again, I do apologize for abruptly contacting you. Please advise as how I should proceed on this inquiry. Thank you for taking the time out to read my inquiry. 

 

It has to be serious. It is not like Poppy to reach out unless she absolutely had to: Lesley needs me and she needs me now.

**********

 

THERE’S ME FAVORITE WANDERING JEW. Aren’t you supposed to be in Dublin or Belfast?” Oona asks when she sees me come through the office door, sniffing the fags in the air. She is wearing no make-up but her green eyes are still brilliant against her natural pasty white face, her naturally bright red hair pulled back into a ponytail. 

“I had to drop by and grab some things before I head out. What are you doing working on a Saturday anyway? Snooping again, gossip gangster?”

“Taking a break from Izzy for a few hours. He was bloody pissed up again last night. Bloody prat wouldn’t shut his gob all night. And he calls me the gobby cow?” Her phone starts vibrating and she looks down at it. “Speak of the devil. He probably wants me to fetch him ‘im somethin’ like I’m his bloody maid, the little shite.” She looks back up at me, her eyes suddenly serious. “You’ve told no one about that thing I told you?” Her eyebrows arch up.

“Öbergemau?” I shake my head. “My lips are sealed, I can assure you.” An awkward silence develops as she muses on my answer. “But I don’t think you overheard it right.”

“Whaddaya mean, luv?”

“Öbergemau is probably a twist on the Bavarian town of Oberammergau. The story is that back in the 1600s in the time of the black plague the residents of this town promised God that if they were spared the effects of the plague they would perform the Passion play every decade to thank Him. That German name would make more sense as that language rarely allows a word to begin with an umlaut.” 

The serene smile returns once more to her face. “Isn’t you the clever one, figuring that out all on your own.”

“It’s what I get paid for, Oona. But the real question is, what is Öbergemau?

It’s an arseload of quid if you can figure out the mystery.

“Why must you snoop?” I ask in a smile. “Now this thing is always on my mind.”

“I’m adorable that way, luv,” she replies, shrugging her shoulders. “Hey, I finally looked up that Elvis Presley is a Jew thing. Google must be taking the piss. Bloody gobsmacked I is!”

“That’s gotta be the first time ever.  

“You cheeky git,” she replies, exhaling some smoke. “How’s your lady friend? Shagged her yet?

Oona!”

“Must be no then from the way your face is flushing red. Close the deal already, luv.”

“Thanks for the unsolicited advice. I’ll see her in a bit. Do me a favor, don’t tell the Doc I am here. He thinks I’m in Ireland right now.”

Have you seen the rags today?”

“Do I want to see them?” Oona scoots today’s Sun across her desk. Picking it up, I read what she points out to me in a small blurb next to a dated black-and-white photo of Lesley in an angel costume:

 

It isn’t enough that Lady Lesley’s registered charity is accused of financial mismanagement by anonymous internet pundits and this reporter but apparently this has not stopped her efforts to acquire even more monies to fritter away on an extravagant lifestyle not already fuelled by the annual multi-million pound industries collectively known as Woodruff Hall.

 

She claims to be a born again Christian, saved from her life of debauchery by a belief in our Lord and Saviour and the Church of England. I ask you, my loyal readers: are these the actions of someone who claims an affinity for Jesus? What WOULD Jesus do?

 

What makes this episode even more shameful is that she takes a symbolic one pound salary as to justify her carefree spending, and then dangles these obvious orphans on her website with dirty faces to elicit sympathy and donations. I dare say it’s time to demand a probe to weed out any financial improprieties that have occurred on her watch, even if it means her resignation. This is one Lady we would like to see commanded by Her Majesty for an audience to explain her actions, or more like, lack thereof.

 

    “Harsh.” 

    “Bloody twats is what they are. All they write is rubbish to sell papers. They’ll be onto something and someone else tomorrow. They’ll sell anyone out to make more quid, like the Prime Minister says they do.

    “This isn’t right. Lesley loves these kids. She treats them as if they are her own children. Listen, don’t share this with anyone, but I checked it out as soon as I found out about this matter. I did an invisible audit with the information I have access to. Guess what I found? There was no movement internally of monies that raised flags until after the accusations first started. Coincidence?

    “Not bloody likely.”

**********

 

RINGING THE BUILDING BUZZER, I wait forever before Lesley allows me up. Meanwhile, I spot a burley, bald headed man dressed in a uniform with an apparent wired earphone sitting in an unmarked car nearby looking at me steadily when he speaks into his hand mic. Another younger man, pale, tall and lanky, also in uniform, stands up from an impromptu desk after I come through the second door. He seems almost right out of the police academy while he apologies, frisks me, asks my name, checks my identity.

    “I understand you’re a private accountant for the posh set, sir,” he asks, handing me back my identity card.

    “Yes, I am. How did you know that?”

“Detective Inspector Sky Tew is running this operation, sir. We had to background check all residents here and their regular visitors. The building management, at DI Tew’s recommendation, also installed panic buttons for all residents who did not already have them. After a few minutes more of small chatter, I am on my way and when I get to Lesley’s top floor door, I knock softly. This is the ritzy Kensington part of London. No loud voices or emotions, please. 

It takes a while before the door slowly opens and the prize I seek cautiously looks at me, her hazel eyes not gleaming, dull in their interaction with the world, her hair slightly matted as if she has been sleeping, the professional make-up still evident from the previous evening’s soiree. She almost seems in mourning despite being decked out in a sleeveless pearl white satin dress with a large, smart black bow to separate the top and lower halves. This is haute couture, if I ever seen it. Only the shoes are missing. Last night must have ended a couple of hours ago. As always, she is wearing her favorite necklace. Caressing her for a while, I feel her body’s warmth, tell her it will be alright in the end. It is us two against the world.  

The gleaming wood floors creak as she walks away in her bare feet from the door entrance while her amber perfume flows over me like a silk scarf; I remind myself I need to manage my expectations. She must have seen the article as I see today’s discarded Sun. Slowly following her into the living room, she lays back down on the couch which matches the walls. It is a Victorian-era built, white-based bordered flat with a royal blue coloring kitted out by in classic furniture two centuries old.

Lesley brought in two interior decorators to make this place ooze additional class and wealth. The cathedral high ceilings always did appeal to me. All the velvet heavy curtains are slightly unloosened making the environment darkened. Still, I am able to see the large squared English countryside painting hung in the middle of the main wall; in the distance is Woodruff Hall in its very beginning, before the family’s legends are born.

She stares into the distance making me wonder if she knows I am even here. Her naked legs gleam despite the half-shadows. When the mobile rings, she does not acknowledge it, instead still staring out into an oblivion only she sees. Wanting to reach out and touch her, I have to stop myself as Lesley can be skittish in that way. Considering the state she is in, I have to be extra delicate.

As some kind of ominous accompaniment, Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie Number 1 begins playing from the iPod stereo, its melancholy piano reaching out from the nineteenth century to remind us soul searing pain is immortal.

“Look... I know it has to be hard for you ... I know... but a lot of people know how dedicated you are to those kids... that anyone would question your motives... that is hard to understand... but what you have to understand is that these kids need you... they really do... to allow these tossers to get under your skin gives those false charges traction... everyone has bad days... we all do... but you love those kids and because you do... you have to fight these wankers for them... stand up... do not allow these buggers the satisfaction to think they are right... they are just trying to sell papers... sleezemongers... that’s all they are...”

Her eyes occasionally glance at me so I know she recognizes my effort. Never have I seen her like this, and so because of this, am treading into new water. How to calm a catatonic woman? There is no playbook here, not that I am a female expert. Even Oscar Wilde said women were meant to be loved, not understood.

After a few prolonged minutes of quiet, I tell her about my trip to Vietnam and how I am on my way to Ireland to find O’Reilly. Whether or not she hears me, I do not know but I want to fill the silence that lingers between us. She finally gets up, pulls the curtains back, letting in some light, goes into the kitchen to clean some glasses in the sink. At least she is coming back into the present as she speaks about the present weather. The hazel eyes still do not lock into mine as she goes about her routine. The falling rain makes me wonder if it is equally dreary in Dublin and Belfast.

In her bare feet, she seems smaller in stature as she approaches me after restarting the same Satie song. We move slowly together, our own intimate cotillion, dance a while longer after the song ends. Lesley suddenly pulls back, says in a low tone, “I stepped down temporarily from the organization yesterday until this matter is resolved. We are releasing a public announcement today. It will be released on the website afterwards.”

My hands move up onto her bare arms, of which goose bumps rise and set her back a bit more so I can see her better, her eyes still lingering into mine. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

Her nod is ever so subtle. “Yes, I think this is the best way until we know the results of what the auditors find. I told them to also cover all of Woodruff Hall’s ancillary businesses just to make sure. She can still see the quizzical look in my eyes, so she continues, “If they find nothing, then I’ll come back onboard. If they do find something, then I’ll be the responsible party. There has to be accountability. If I am the head of the charity, then I am that person.”

Nodding my head in understanding, we exchange a gaze that communicates more than words do. Her standard diamond encrusted circle necklace grabs my attention as know I have to support her in her current turmoil, love her, though I have yet to use those latter words out loud to her.

“Do you have to go?” Her tone bespeaks how she feels about my pending departure. How I want to stay but I have work to do. Damn O’Reilly and his bullocks. “Do you really have to go now?” Lesley asks again.

She has never done that before, revealing such emotion, and I so want to share this moment with her forever, forget the world outside the door with its problems and complications. Sometimes a man is meant to love a woman and that is all.

“I understand,” she says softly responding to my nod, glancing down. Suddenly, I put both hands on the garment’s bow and unloosen it, so it slips away along with the dress which falls to the ground. This is the first time I have ever been so bold to see her nude which makes her seem smaller, a fragile porcelain doll within my hands. Pulling her closer, she does not resist; her half-breaths remind me moments like this in life are far too few.

Celibacy is overrated,” rushes out from my mouth just before I kiss her hard and she returns the effort with both her hands pulling my back towards her until we are squeezing and breathing through the other. Then I kiss her cheek, down to her neck that makes her sigh heavily for this is her sweet spot. She is back from that void she retreats into earlier. Looking into her hazel eyes, that gleam is evident once more, so I seriously have to ask myself, have I ever really loved a woman until I met Lesley? 

Like a mangy dog in the lane, if Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you-don’t’ ever marked his territory, his reign is now officially over. With Lesley’s amber fragrance wrapped around me, and her emotions finally unleashed, I slip in a call to my pilot, tell him to take the night off.

 

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Johanna Nield wrote 27 days ago

Congratulations on reaching the desk, Jose :)
I've read chapters one and two, which I found very engaging. Despite some very lengthy sentences and a superfluous use of adjectives, I like your writing style. This isn't a genre I'd normally read, so I don't feel qualified to comment on the plot, etc., but I wish you every success.
All the best
Johanna Nield

Lyn4ny wrote 82 days ago

Jose,

It already has done well I see. Great Job!!

-Lyn

Lyn4ny wrote 82 days ago

Hey Jose,

Great storyline here with wonderful characters. It has a great creative nature to it and flows nicely. I think its well-written and thought out. I think it will do well. Not my genre but I did like it. High Stars from me.

-Lyn
Forty-Four Footprints Following Me

Tarzan For Real wrote 88 days ago

Jose you write like the test tube son of Lee Child and the late Michael Critchon with a splash of Ludlum.

Forensic accounting mathematics aside, this is great edge-of-your-seat work. You really could catch a heart attack from the suspense, plot twists, and pace. I ought to know about the latter in my day job--remote international paramedic.

So, compelling characters, great descriptions of the international settings, and a great story.

High praise, highly starred, and I'd have backed this before you rocketed to the top spot.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

Software wrote 135 days ago

I do like this fast moving drama with its military theme and sense of impending doom. Jose has created a very compelling and often thought provoking literary fiction with a well crafted theme, bright and interesting characters and a fast moving plot. Easy to see why it reached the ed's desk. Great stuff.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

authordonna wrote 138 days ago

Wow! Great imagery. You have almost combined poetry with this story telling. Excellent writing.

Torkuda wrote 179 days ago


After taking a very long time to read this story, and still not being able after all this time to really enjoy it, I have to stop. By all accounts this is a very good story, however I don’t feel I can do it justice as it’s clearly outside my interests. I often get lost in some of the jargon and loose usage of foreign languages and I have to admit I really don’t understand what exactly the job of the main character is, so I don’t get what he’s trying to accomplish. Thus I feel inadequate to do a full review, even though you did back my book for a while. Sorry. I’ll write what I can.

1.Spelling/Grammar
Score: ¾
I’m pretty sure there are a number of grammatical errors in the story, however nothing really seemed to represent a pattern of misunderstanding to me. One or two more proofreads should take care of this.

2.Interesting Plot
Score: ~
Ultimately I found the plot confusing, and that’s probably because, again, this is way outside my genre. I would highly recommend this story to a mystery enthusiast who has traveled abroad, maybe even a military buff, however the only place I’ve been to outside of the states was Korea, which has very little in common with the areas where this story was set. I think less usage of local dialects would have helped me, but ultimately would have detracted from the genuine feel of the story, which even I could catch onto.

3.Good Direction
Score: 1/2
To be honest, the direction of this story seemed like it would be confusing no matter if I liked the genre or not. Flash backs seemed a little unpredictable and I wasn’t always sure why I was reading the history of a character rather than continuing to follow his adventures in the present. I’m used to flash backs that occur immediately to explain something in the story that was just brought up. I’ve seen stories that did not really interlace flashbacks like that, heck even the first Sherlock Holmes novel put a huge flash back at the end of the story that wasn’t triggered by anything, I didn’t like it, but I finished that part anyway. I’m not saying it’s wrong not to make direct ties, but some people may find it confusing.

4.Author Interest
Score: 1
Even now that the story is on the editors desk, the author continues to advertise it. He certainly has a heart for his story.

5.Believable Main Characters
Score: 3/4
With genuine accents, usage of jargon and native tongues, I did get the feeling that your characters were acting like real people. I will mention a slight confusion at the main character’s career choice if he hates violence or at least killing, but he wouldn’t be the first soldier to hate violence. I think maybe he promise to never kill again might be over doing it though. Kinda like B.A. Baracus on the A-team, swearing off killing, and then using automatic fire arms to blow up vehicles with passengers. However I will note that it is the mark of a good writer if he can make you believe that the impractical is practical. While reading, I somehow did believe that a man could swear off killing entirely, and yet still employ Bugsy and Spyder to guard his back with machine guns. Ridiculous yes, but you somehow sold me on it while I was reading it.
If you’re going for realism, I might tone down his aversion to violence to something more general, especially not swearing not to kill whilst using automatic weapons.

6.Likable Main Characters
Score: ½
I’m going low on this because while I didn’t hate Jonathan, I didn’t really find much to like. Clearly from some of his flashbacks, Jonathan had positive experiences in his life, he was just very rarely happy. He wasn’t particularly grumpy or sad either. He felt like he was just any fraud investigator, with a particular determination. His determination was a good trait that stood out, however I didn’t get much else. I wanted to see him joke back with Spyder and Bugsy for instance, but he usually just tries to shut them up. Truth is I tend to like exaggerated characters, so maybe my dislike of Jonathan was personal preference, but I would think about livening him up a bit.

7.Likable Side Characters
Score: 1
On the other hand you nailed many of your side characters. Bugsy and Spyder were great jokers and always having fun. I didn’t have to agree with their sense of humor to see they were having fun, which meant I had fun with them. Lesley was also painted very well as a patient and inviting woman, and even the mentor felt like a near father figure to Jonathan. (I can’t remember the mentor’s name at the moment. He was Jonathan’s handler, but he seemed like a mentor character to me.)

8.Good Scene Descriptions
Score: 1
Actually your descriptions in this story are vivid and detailed. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why when Bugsy and Spyder opened fire down a stair case with a pair of SAWs and killed no one, I didn’t see it as odd, as the scene was described so well I saw it in my mind’s eye perfectly.

9.Targeting
Score: 1
This story is well targeted at well-traveled mystery readers. Best I can tell they will definitely appreciate the realistic way events are handled, right down to people’s accents sounding genuine. International spy novels are a big niche, so this is a good target.

10.Broad Appeal
Score: ½
If my own personal experience is any indication, over specializing for a certain crowd will kill the interests of those outside. There’s nothing you can do about that save dumbing it down for a more general audience, which I actually don’t recommend.

I’m not going to officially score this story as I feel insufficient to give it a good judgment. Keep my comments in mind, perhaps, but realize this isn’t my cup of tea if you think I’m way off.

R. Dango wrote 192 days ago

This is a real enjoyable thriller. I am not surprised that it has made it to ED. I am a big fan of spy novels and I found this one as captivating as some of the best-sellers.

My only suggestion is, if it's not too late, to change the title to something easy for anyone to remember. I think most spy novels usually come with very easy titles - Our Game, Gold Finger, etc. What do you say?

R

Wussyboy wrote 224 days ago

I can generally tell within two pages whether I would buy a book or not, and this one had me reaching for my cash at para one. Tight, gritty and explosive, "The Obergemau Key" opens with a bang - quite literally - and just keeps powering on. One of the best first chapters I've ever read and a masterclass in 1st person narrative storytelling. Niiiiice!

Joe Kovacs
He ain't Heavy, He's my Buddha

Lynne Heffner Ferrante wrote 278 days ago

Is there any reason to review this book anymore or to back it? But I cannot resist. Aside from being my favorite genre, it is so well written and compelling that I am unable to put it down. Congratulations for a job so well done and such an entertaining and thought provoking book.

Lynne Heffner Ferrante
AN Untenable Fragrance of Violets

junetee wrote 341 days ago

THE OBERGEMAU KEY.

Exciting pitch.
This is a fast-paced, thriller. Its excellently written and I can see why it made it to the ed desk.
It is interesting, mysterious and even has a touch of humour to this thrilling story.
The beginning really took my interest, and then I couldn't stop reading. There's so much detail - and written so well.
You have done a great job!
Overall, an interesting and thrilling book. A great read. Highly starred.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Numbness wrote 364 days ago

just wondering why this is still drawing interest, even after ED'ing?

fictionguy wrote 405 days ago

This was a new way to start a novel, almostr like a screenplay, but you flit in and out of it, so it seems to work for this book and made me read on. It had a nice touch of humor in some spots that was needed. I have no doubt you will publish this. Let me know when it cones out. Good luck with this. You did a good job.

Dianna Lanser wrote 469 days ago

Jose,

I'm finally checking out your book. Sorry for the delay and now this system is on the clinker only allowing me to make short comments. I read the first three chapters. Wow... I'm really impressed with your writing and knowledge or your subject. So far the story is great - fast-paced, exciting, and very interesting. There's a bit of mystery that moves the reader forward. So I'm supposed to be written about the Christian girl in your story. So far there was just a quick reference to her and what you wrote was spot on about the Christian's call to forgive.

I'm going to give you six stars for your ability to create a thrilling beginning to what I suspect just gets even better. I'll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

J. T. Carroll wrote 483 days ago

I enjoyed reading this first chapter, it definitely pulled me in and made me want to read more. It's my favored style of writing, crisp, yet rich. I hope you won't mind me explaining which pieces made me pull up and took away from my enjoyment:

1) The opening short phrases provide a great opening, but once you get into the first paragraph, I want to know from whose viewpoint this is written. A simple addition of "My" to the first sentence in the second paragraph would do that.

2) "the breath fast exhales" doesn't read smoothly, nor is it consistent with "a twisting in "my" side. IAgain, I think that you need another pronoun in this sentence. Perhaps something like "I can't re-gain my expelled breath"

3) "a twisting in my side that gathers strength" doesn't flow or fit with the previous way you've been describing things. Perhaps something like "the twisting in my side increasing as if I'd been stabbed and an unseen hand was twisting the knife."

4) The last sentence in this first paragraph was a real stopper for me. It doesn't flow. Perhaps something like
"At below freezing, the shiver of my lips spreads through my body, as if to hasten my transition to a corpse.

5) Fourth paragraph, end first sentence after trigger. Remove and, start the next sentence with "Instead, I". At the end of this sentence "weighs heavier in my mind than the (add gun) in my hand.

I'll stop here, but if you appreciate this type of comment and would like more, contact me. As I said, I think this could be really good, after only reading the first chapter. But, you have a lot of missing pronouns, and some rough sentence structures. I'd be glad to help with.

johnpatrick wrote 484 days ago

Great read man.
I can see why it was so successfull. Just flew through the first 3 chapters. How a thriller is supposd to read. Plenty to learn from here.
Every success with it!
John
Dropping Babies.

serenalynn wrote 488 days ago

congrats. one could say I have a twisted sense of humor and even if you didnt mean to, it matched me well. the story is very well written and was a page turner.
thank you for the entertainment and congratulations again
Serena

NatashaM wrote 489 days ago

First of all, congratulations on making the Editor's Desk, and so rightly deserved! I have only read chapter one so far, but I love it. I'm a sucker for a good thriller. I like how you set the location right from the start. It invokes the imagination. The description of place and character is very well told too. I definately will be reading more.

ScottTrimas wrote 489 days ago

Loved the opening to the book. Tons of detail and very interesting. I hope to read more later on.

Eric Laing wrote 489 days ago

Simply excellent. Excellent prose told with confidence and rightly so. Near masterful unfolding of narrative...something very difficult in this genre, or so I have experienced in reading others' such offerings on autho.

Only one extremely small nit. A few word choices for the MC conflicted with his being American. 'Cheeky' and 'knackered' come to mind. Perhaps this is to show how European he has become, but, even so, I found it undermined the cedibility. If that's the case, maybe have him with more distinctive traits that wouldn't be suspect as possible authorial mistakes. Something like the manner of his cigarette smoking,choice of diet or the such.... Just a thought.

I've no doubt this will do extremely well. All the best with its and your success. Six stars...you don't need the backing.

E

AuroraNemesis wrote 489 days ago

A delicious read, with a very strong opening.
You’re writing flows well and you seem at ease with your writing style.
Our characters are first rate and add colour and dimension to your scenes.
A colourful dialogue with a staccato feel, that draws the writing on.
Good ending on your chapters lead you on to reading the next chapter
I enjoyed reading and would recommend.
Well done.

DerekTobin wrote 490 days ago

Hi Jose
This is a hell of a first chapter and I think you nailed it. Conflict and some gut renching emotion in there - I care for Jonathon your protagonist right from the off and that's an accomlishment in its self. Its easy to see how you got to the desk with this work. I particularly liked the flashbacks or images of Lesley and his heartfelt regret - I think you cooked that just right and such stuff can be difficult to balance. The writing flows and no clunky sections slowing it down. I thought this one line:
"years' of love's inadequacy" doesnt need the possesive on years'- just - years of love's inadequacy
It occured to me that if he promised not to kill - could he not have just shot to wound or incapacitate him rather than a kill shot? Just a thought and Im sure it would depend on his character and skill with a gun - which you obviously know better than me. I get hints at his character being honourable and gentlemanly through his thoughts and this gives him more depth. Overall not many crits I know but I felt it was a great start to the story with a brilliant hook. I will def be reading more and commenting further as things occur to me. Well done Jose.
Derek

Milorossi wrote 491 days ago

Interesting, shit!
But Let's hope I don't a chrismtas morning like that

ella's heartstrings wrote 746 days ago

I see the book isn't getting much activity. I'm back on the site, a bit Contrary as always, will try to give the book another look after I've finished more edits. We Texans need to stick together. And this comment should hit your email inbox, will remove after I hear back from you and you read my message. PS -- could you send a little rain down south in my direction?

Mary

Freya Pickard wrote 802 days ago

Explosive start. I like the stuccato present tense. It drew me into the action and I felt I knew the narrator well, almost immediately. Your powers of description are excellent - not too much but harsh and vivid enough to paint a truly real picture. This isn't my normal type of read but it held my attention.

Saint wrote 922 days ago

Dear Jose
Wow, what a beginning chapter! Well done. In chapter one I see you prose and hear your voice. The action starts right away and each sentence is packed with punch and description and we learn so much so soon. You capture the reader as your protag lays almost breathless. We want to breathe for him. I see why this book is ranked...or was ranked...I'm not sure how this all works yet. I hope to get back to chapter two soon.

Of course we want to read on because we need to know what happens. The only thing I thought was strange was how Jaya texts him and he knows it. If he was chasing someone wouldn't his phone be on silent? If so, how would he know that a text came through?

Have a great day!
Michelle (WILLOW)

Jessica L Degarmo wrote 924 days ago

I wanted to pop in and let you know that I read the first chapter. I'll say that it is quite good, and most certainly action-filled, but I also wanted to give you some of my impressions as I read to help you polish this further:

In this line: "He would solve the puzzle we have been chasing this whole time but now I will never know for the blood is collecting in the back of my throat, tasting it fully as if I’m dining on my own self.", it's a little confusing when you get the the part where the character is tasting the blood. The way it's written, that little section doesn't follow the same pattern as the rest of the sentence. You are relying on the I there (I will never know) but it doesn't work. I'd split up the sentence there and say, "I'm tasting it fully as if I'm dining on my own self." or say and 'I'm tasting it fully, as if I'm dining on myself."

In this line, "The pain cinches on itself making grunt out from the exquisite pain turning on itself", it reads a little awkward. Is the pain paking him grunt? Did you miss a 'me' there?

I think that there are a few instances when you are describing something, you use the instead of his or my. It almost distances the reader, I think, and jars, just a tad.

Overall, I think you are to be commended. I'm not sure if this was accidental or not, but the way some of the sentences were slightly disjointed and fragmented, it actually gave credence to the character's pain and suffering and was very atmospheric. After all, a man who's bleeding out probably isn't going to have the fortitude or ability to think completely clearly at all times.
I also wanted to say that the first few paragraphs reminded me of a WWII or WWI book with Germany, war, etc. It was not what I expected when you mentioned an Iphone! Kind of made me smile. Your work is evocative of that, but I guess some things never change, and war, murder, etc., no matter what the tools and weapons, is one of them.
So, my hats off to you and your review! I hope that you go far with this work.
Regards,
Jessica L. Degarmo

SChamblee wrote 947 days ago

Hi,

You asked me to look at your book and consider how you handled Christianity in it.

First off, I thought you were respectful and rather honest and realistic in how you handled everyone and their differences.

There's a few things I think you might consider, though. I'm not sure that the Church of England would call it 'born again'....though I must admit I don't know that for sure.

Usually 'born again' is a term used by the very conservative. It was rather vague how the Lady Lesley came to her beliefs. I didn't get that, and don't know if you want to be a little more specific about it?
One big *big* thing I was concerned about - a born again Christian would not have slept with her boyfriend so casually. It is still very much considered wrong to do that outside of marriage. Of course, this would be mitigated some if she was not taught much about her Christian faith. I'm not saying it could never happen - just that if it did happen with a dedicated born again Christian, she'd have great, deep conflict about it. I understand that your book partially hinges on this....it's just something I noticed in regards to her being a Christian.

I'm wondering too - if a Christian asks a Jew about Jesus Christ - doesn't that offend the Jewish person? I know we're very careful in this regard, because most Jews consider it extremely offensive. Of course, I'm not sure I got how dedicated your MC is to Judaism, so that point could be moot.

I did get the sense that the fact she was a Christian was almost like an afterthought - except when it came to her making him promise not to kill people. This was the only time I ever saw her being passionate about her beliefs. That and the first time they meet and her asking him about Jesus is mentioned almost in passing.

I guess to me if she's a dedicated Christian she wouldn't be dating a man who isn't also a dedicated Christian. But I see that you really can't change that part - it can and does happen. But if it does there are more discussions on religion, or at least a discussion about agreeing to disagree - purposely steering clear of it.

Sorry about the ramble through my thoughts - I hope you don't mind. I thought you handled all the religions in your book respectfully.

Any of the things I mentioned you could just explain away with the fact that when people decide to do something they're usually going to just do it. Sometimes they don't follow all the tenets of their religion, etc.

:)
Sherry

HannahWar wrote 955 days ago

Congratulations, indeed excellently written, beautiful details, elegant sentences, poised word choice, so completely on top of your writing. The only difficulty I have with this first chapter is that a heavily wounded man does not think in beautifully crafted sentences and clear images. It asks for unfinished, chaotic thoughts and interrupted images which usually demand a more unpolished style with wild, staccato sentences. But then again, perhaps I didn't read enough and you wanted to portray a thoroughbred gentleman even when he's at the point of death. The best of luck! Hannah

NMott wrote 979 days ago

Hi, read you were after feedback.
Couple of tips. This is told in the 1st person so you don't need to put his unspoken words in italics - it's self evident to the reader it's him.
Secondly try to cut down on the number of words ending in '-ing' that you've used at the start of your sentences. It bugs the agents.
Good luck,
NaomiM

David Hough wrote 987 days ago

A great thriller, Jose. It captures your imagination from the start. I must stop here, so I've watch listed it so that I can enjoy the rest later.
Good luck with this one.
David Hough
The Ghost on Warlock Hill

Stark Silvercoin wrote 989 days ago

The Öbergemau Key has one of the best openings I’ve read so far on Authonomy. Author Jose Carlos Cavazos wastes no time in bringing readers right to the heart of the mystery. I found myself caring for the main character as he lay dying, even though I never met him before. I was glad when this didn’t turn out to be one of those books where the lead is dead and then there are a bunch of flashbacks. The opening is really cleverly done. Reading onward, it seems that Cavazos is a great mystery writer as well. This book moves between being a thriller (again, one of the best I’ve seen here) and a mystery that is both complex and realistic. In short, it’s a great read. My only comment beyond that is that I never figured out the significance of the Arabic symbols at the top of each chapter.

Terry Murphy wrote 989 days ago

Dear Jose,

Great title, great cover and clever use of language. Intriguing opening too.

Bravo on reaching the 'Desk' and good luck with your HC review.

Terry
Weekend in Weighton

lj reads wrote 993 days ago

You've obviously worked really hard on this book. Whew! I'm impressed!

La Marmonie wrote 995 days ago

This is my first time on authonomy, so I just read two chapters. Very nice prose in Chapter One. I really like it, apart from the cliche in the first paragraph, "hurts like hell."

Looking forward to reading more.

Good luck.

Marilyn Rodwell

Shieldmaiden wrote 995 days ago

Sorry it took so long to get to reading the book. But congrats on making it to the editors desk! I read the first two chapters and I thought they were excellent. I especially like the two bodyguards. They're charming. :D The whole narrative of the story was very well written, and I hope you make it into publishing. I wish you all the best.

--Shieldmaiden

Daniel Escurel Occeno wrote 996 days ago

Congratulation!

Daniel Escurel Occeno – danielocceno@ymail.com (Pen Name: Enrique Gubat)

silver-gypsy wrote 996 days ago

Wow... powerful first chapter. I couldn't stop. I liked the use of the german... it's interesting because I'm taking German this semester and I could actually read and understand it. :)

There are a couple of typos, but nothing really bad. Altogether, a solid read. Backed.

Nichole

TMNAGARAJAN wrote 997 days ago

Congratulations
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

RJEK wrote 997 days ago

Congrats man! Good luck to you.

Randeep wrote 997 days ago

Congrats and best of luck!!

naveennayar wrote 997 days ago

Congratulations, God Bless You:)-Naveen.

SingingOwl wrote 997 days ago

Congratulations!

ccb1 wrote 997 days ago

Jose, Congratulation!
CC Brown
Dark Side

rumbot wrote 997 days ago

This is a neat concept. I think it could play well in various venues. It might need some editing, but that is fine.

Tom Balderston wrote 997 days ago

Congratulations on your Selection. May it bring you to the masses.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

John Meeks wrote 999 days ago

It's difficult to comment with confidence since you've had to take down so much of the book. I understand that necessity but it leaves me a bit in the dark. I only have a couple of questions:1. Why wouldn't Lady Lesley tell everyone that there was no risk in storming the cabin at the end? 2. Sometimes your first person exposition sounds a bit forced. There are things that must be explained but perhaps you could do it with dialogue occasionally or try to make it sound more naturally part of the hero's musings.
The plot sounds involved but interesting and I wish I had been able to read more of material related to the world views. I am sure that adds a lot of texture and depth to the action.
You clearly deserve your high ranking. I back the book for sure.
John Meeks, Bogey's Final Gift

Karina_Evans wrote 1000 days ago

It's a shame I can't read at least the first chapter, as this would help with becoming accustomed to style etc. I've backed this book, as I very much like the detailed way that you write, although due to time constraints, I read only a few pages. With regards to punctuation, it's a personal thing, I probably over-punctuate and some people use it sparingly. Whichever, whatever, I don't think it's anything to worry about. I hope it all works out for you.

PS. I would much rather a spam message than a spam comment, just for future info.

Peter Wild wrote 1001 days ago

One of the most accomplished pieces of work on this site. No real nit-picks (there is never any need to add 'watch' to 'Rolex', nobody is ever happy to be wrong, so everybody is always 'sorely' mistaken, etc) Backed for sure.
Peter Wild
Double Action

Jasmin Star wrote 1001 days ago

Your plot is exciting and the characters' dialogue runs naturally. I haven't read all the uploaded chapters, but I do have some comments. Some of the sentences run on a little too long, and I noticed sentence fragments separated by semicolons. Try restructuring the long ones by creating new, shorter sentences from them to contrast with longer ones. The sentence fragments would sound better if completed, although some are okay if you use them sparingly as a deliberate writing technique.
In the sentence, "Sean being the good son that he was..." you should add commas after "Sean" and "was." Also in the same sentence, "parents" should be "parents'."
'He created a trading firm organized as a partnership but ran like a corporation," makes it sound as if he ran like a corporation.
"There is almost an indignant sneer his face," is missing "on," and I think you meant "I reply in a [sly] smile."
"He is no gentleman, that one is. Kisses and tells, he will." In this the identical consecutive sentence structure sounds a bit repetitive to me, but if you like it that way, I think "kiss and tell..." would fit better with the last sentence, since you are mixing present with future as it is. The story needs some re-editing, but it looks like it will make a fantastic and suspenseful book when published. Best of luck!

Jasmin