Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 155356
date submitted 06.05.2009
date updated 13.09.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

The Öbergemau Key

Jose Carlos Cavazos

One pissed-off Jewish American financial fraud investigator takes on a neo-Nazi and Islamic conspiracy to save Her Majesty's life



 

Former United States Army sniper Jonathan Templemann investigates fraud for an upscale accounting outfit. Traversing the globe from London in the firm’s private jet, the forensic accountant circulates amongst Britain’s wealthy and celebrity elite, recovering their embezzled funds.

An enemy from Jonathan’s military past seeks revenge for a tragic incident that occurred during the Iraq War. This neo-Nazi criminal mastermind now coordinates a multi-national conspiracy, code-named Öbergemau, and has positioned Jonathan to be the patsy in a diabolical plan involving simultaneous worldwide terrorist attacks that will divert attention from the real crime: the United Kingdom’s greatest electronic monies theft ever.

As Jonathan works his firm’s most notorious and feared case, he uncovers the right-wing nationalist and Islamic partnership to assassinate Her Majesty by using Jonathan’s girlfriend, Lady Lesley, as an unknowing weapon carrier. The Queen’s demise will initiate Öbergemau, creating mass casualties on a global scale.

Time is running out.

Inspired by my Persian Gulf War combat experience, Corporate America assignments, and vast international travels, this page-turning story crackles with energy and verve, surprising twists and turns.

HarperCollins’ editors described The Öbergemau Key as “a swiftly paced, action-packed international thriller that invites comparison to Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming.”

 
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angkor wat, auschwitz, bangkok, belfast, born again, bosnian croats, british national party, buddhism, cambodia, christian, crucifixion, death camps, ...

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AUTUMN SEASON

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Istanbul, Turkey 

 

 

AS FARID’S ASSISTANT AND THE brothers point their guns at each other with grim faces, I break the tense silence with the five pillars of Islam: a faith in the oneness of God and that Muhammad is the final prophet, prayer five times daily, almsgiving to the needy, Ramadan fasting, and one pilgrimage in a lifetime to Mecca for those who are able. 

    Farid nods and settles back into his chair. We now have détente instead of a Mexican standoff. “That’s impressive for an American ... and for a man who has no belief in Allah, you know a lot about Islam.

    “Don’t ever put a gun in my face again, you got that?

I have to guard myself since I refuse to pay protection money. But I do commend you on your demeanour. You didn’t flinch when you saw the pistol so this must not be the first time you’ve looked down a barrel, is it?” I shake my head no as he refreshes my tea serving. “Sometimes I react before I think, the weakness of my passionate nature.” He returns his gaze to the laptop and translates what is in the electronic documents and more importantly, what is not.

    “So there’s nothing about money, wire transfers, bank deposits, offshore accounts, stock, bonds, bearer bonds, anything of the sort?” Farid shakes his head sadly. “This doesn’t make sense. Kyril had his hand in every vice known to mankind and now he’s coordinating a suicide attack?

    Farid points to the screen. “Here, the way the instructions are written, it seems more like an itemized list of what needs to be done. It also shows directions to training camps in Pakistan for jihadists who want to defend Islam. Did this Kyril know Farsi?”

    “He could barely speak English. I wouldn’t think he would know how to speak your language, too. He wasn’t a Muslim either … well, at least that I know of.”

    “He could have it for blackmail purposes. It seems this man is capable of it.”

    “Was, as he is no longer among the living, and yes, that sounds more like Kyril, to blackmail.”

    “This mission is set to proceed on a practice run soon before the final attack.”

    “The target is?”

    “It doesn’t say. It does say there is a five thousand pound budget.”

    “You can buy a lot for five thousand. How’s it going to be attacked?” Farid shakes his head. “The location of the cell?”

    “It does not say. Wait,” Farid says after reviewing the laptop screen. “He drops a clue here to himself, a train schedule. It has departure times for a Turnham Green station.”

    “I know that stop. Is this al-Qaeda?”

    “If it is, there is no evidence on here but I wouldn’t suspect there would be anyway.” Farid stands up, takes a few steps, paces back and forth as he ponders something. “I have seen many men in your position in the years I have been doing this. The look you have, the determination, I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

“There’s something bigger here than money, Farid. People’s lives are at risk.” He nods as he rotates the small charm bracelet with silver studs with blue eyes painted on each one. It is the Turkish version of a good luck amulet. For a pious Muslim, it is unusual that he is wearing it. 

When I stand up, Farid asks, “One last thing.” Looking at him sitting there, a small and petty man who envisions himself an isolated pasha within his darken realm, he adds with a wink to be a cheeky git, “God bless the queen.” Ignoring him, we take our leave and soon are back among the throng of shoppers as men walk by like waiters with Turkish tea on silver platters, declining their offerings as I have already had too much, needing a bathroom. We wave all the soliciting shopkeepers away, too busy realizing that this whole thing has been a goose chase. There is no Öbergemau fortune, no financial reward, no nada.

    Moving back up the hill, Bugsy asks, “Boss … would that suicide mission be the reason why Eran was after Kyril?”

    “Could be,” I reply, still limping along.

    “That ginger beer stuck a gatt in me noggin’! They is all pikeys that need sorting out, guv’nor. I’d sic me staffie crosses on them any day of the week, always telling porkies about not wanting to blow things up but they always have the hump about something or another and they wonder why no one wants them in their country. Tell ‘em all go home to Jihadistan. Sod the bloody lot of ‘em!”

    How can I tell Dr. Patel that it has all been a dead end, that there is no fortune, that I have no idea who killed our colleagues? After getting back to the hotel room, I pack immediately after arranging a commercial flight back to the U.K. The brothers know they are not needed for now, disappointed as I am at the present circumstances.

“Bloody ‘ell, guv’nor,” Spyder says with a stunned expression, looking up from my laptop at the room desk. “I just Googled Is Elvis Presley Jewish and this is bloody shocking. I can’t believe me peepers.

Bugsy quickly reads over his brother’s shoulder. “Is this possible, boss?”

“There’s a first time for everything,” I reply snapping the notebook shut and putting it into my carry on bag. “Not a big deal in the whole scheme of things, don’t you think?”

“But this is Elvis we’re talking about, guv’nor.” He adds in a sorrow, “I’ll never listen to Burning Love quite the same again.”

After grabbing my bags, I rush for the door. “Gotta catch the flight! I’m already late.”

Jog on then, you mug and Merry Christmas,” he says departing through the room door behind me, waving. He adds with a grin, “Oh, I mean Happy Hanukkah, the dog’s bollocks of holidays. You get eight of them, don’t ya!”

Hanukkah’s already passed but thanks for the sentiment.”

“And thank you for the quid!” he winks at me, an unlit fag dangling from his lips.

“Watch yourself, Billy No Mates,” I reply, hitting the lift button.

“Who me, guv’nor? Youse the one without the mates,” he half replies, his attention already on some nearby slender Turkish bird with long jet black hair and a brilliant white tooth smile that catches his eye. He moves toward her, “Hey luv, you have a match?” She grins at Spyder, her natural beauty looking coy, inviting. In his own words, another smitten kitten that he has to hit it and quit it. Some men have that certain je ne sais quoi and some guys don’t, me being in the latter category.

“You know how barking mad he is sometimes,” Bugsy comments, joining me in the lift before the door dings closed, his red t-shirt of today a profile of Karl Marx, pseudo-Moses looking with his famous long hair and flowing beard, reminding me the father of communism descended from a long line of rabbis.

After firing off a text to Jaya that I am coming back into London, I have the concierge call a taxi then send a text to D.I. Tew that a terrorist attack is imminent in London and that I will debrief him after arrival.

All around the airport lobby, I see groups of Muslims making an early exit to their Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia. Men are dressed in their ihram, which is two pieces of white unhemmed cloth, the top draped over the torso, the bottom secured by a white sash with sandals on their feet. The women are dressed so simple white or black dresses with their hijab head covering. The idea that they are all dressed so simply shows that all adherents’ are regarded the same to Allah, no matter if they were of royal blood or of the poor in the street. Something about that egalitarian idea appeals to me.

The scene reminds me of Samir and if he is going to make the journey with his four wives to Mecca as he told me he would do this coming season. After checking in and before going through the security check point, a small, thin, swarthy looking man in a dark suit fast approaches me, hands me a small piece of paper with a phone number. This time I recognize the accent as soon as he says in warning, “Please call this number after your arrival into London. There is much to be discussed, Mister Templemann. Please do call as we will find you if necessary.”

Bugsy is right: the Mossad does not give up easily.      

 

**********

 

AFTER MY FATHER’S PASSING, IT turns into a summer of weddings. Besides my work demands, the travelling, the investigating, the case conclusions, I also take dance and horse rising lessons. For someone who grows up in south Texas, I am teased a bit. I write it off as a character building exercise; at least I think of it as that, sitting in the hot tub, my bones and muscles aching from the day’s lessons. One of Woodruff Hall’s servants explains the various titles, the interactions between members of the aristocratic families, charity work necessities, official and semi-official events. There seems to be a laundry list of what one needs to know to not cause a faux pas and be branded a social pariah.

    It is ever so curious that this world exists onto itself, a holdover from antiquity, or at least since the restoration of the crown back in the 1600s. But it is a modern world as most have regular day jobs. Lesley herself heads a global Christian charity that helps children with various diseases and ailments across the world. She is in her element when she visits them in the hospital wards, clinics; being a temporary, surrogate mum, she reads, holds them, wipes away their tears, patiently answer their questions about British royal life. In reality, she is only distantly related to Her Majesty and is not close enough to the crown to be an HRH. However, she does have a tiara, a magnificent heirloom that will live for the ages.

    After another wedding, listening to the Tony Bennett torch standards filtering in from hidden stereo speakers in the nearby rented foliage on the bandstand, I turn to the recognizable voice. Poppy waves at her reddened, fatigued face with a paper fan as she walks up, her physique within a cream-colored, brown stripe dress making her look like an ice cream cone.

    “I am so out of shape, dear Jonathan. Please escort me to grab some refreshments?” She interlinks her arm into mine. “I thought those vows would go on forever in this heat. Some traditions must not be changed,” Poppy protests again. “How else can we have civilisation? Why do people feel compelled to leave God out of the ceremony and feel they can filter His message about commitment and love with a bunch of new age mumble jumble.”

    “Indeed.”

    “Sorry for being a prickly pear about it all but I’m a born again Christian and we must draw the line somewhere. By the way, Lesley came to the Lord on her own. I had nothing to do with her decision.” She adds in a whisper, “Though she needed our Saviour to help in her struggles at that time.”

    “I see,” I reply, though I know nothing of which she speaks. Glancing about, Lesley is chatting with a group of young teenagers who are the beneficiaries of one of her charities brought in from overseas. None of them are white and few speak English well. This transition to our world shocks some of them: shoes and airplanes are de rigueur. She seems animated, happy and makes a small laugh. Socializing is what she is about, never met a stranger, the total opposite of my personae, me more analytical, circumspect, requirements of the profession I practice.

    “Did you receive the set of Woodruff Hall’s published diaries I sent you?”

    “Yes, I did. Thank you so much. I have been reading them. It’s fascinating the history of the manor. Can’t imagine it originally began as a diary farm where human health experiments were conducted and now not only supporting a winery but is a nexus for this nation’s major internet infrastructure. And to think it was almost wiped out in a devastating fire.

    “I thought you would like them, knowing what an amateur historian you are. Lesley’s father was actually the last person to keep the diaries before his passing. I don’t think it much interested Lesley to keep them going. She’s more of a people person than an academic.”

    Someone waves at Poppy which she returns. “From what I am hearing you and Lesley are getting along smashingly. I’m quite the matchmaker, aren’t I?” She pats me gently on the arm as we move down the small hill. “Our Lesley is quite the special young lady, has been her whole life.” We pass several people and couples along the way, exchange greetings and pleasantries about the nuptials, but my attention wanes because I spot someone in the distance who is talking to my date. Poppy’s light blue eyes lose their mirth. “I don’t want to seem intrusive but Lesley’s very special to our immediate family, as you probably know. Poor dear, losing her mum and twin when she was far too young. I helped raise her as the child I never had. She is very, very special to me and many others.”

    “I understand. She has said as such.”

    Poppy smiles at that admission. “And so needless to say, any young man that enters her life, I make an effort to get to know him and not through a cursory way either.”

    “Understandable. I would be protective of her, too.” She goes about something else less strenuous in tone and I follow her back up the gentle slope. The younger kids are gathering around playing, keeping the balloons floating in the air while knots of people are chatting. Only a few attendees are moving about in the main white reception tent. It seems too hot to be dancing at the present moment. When we arrive at the refreshment table, Poppy is served white wine. Afterwards, she is careful with her larger frame as she sits into a flimsy chair, the perfume lingering a bit in the air around her as I prepare my Earl Grey with a ton of sugar and an equal amount of milk.

    “Well, I am glad you are here today. I feel I need to bring something to your attention.” My eyebrows arch up. “Oh, nothing bad, I can assure you. Our family is a bit different as you already know the situation in which Lesley was raised.”

    “Indeed,” I reply.

    Poppy’s eyes glance around before she says, “It involves Woodruff Hall and it has nothing to do with Oswald Mosley’s idiotic political views I can assure you.” Poppy pauses as she reaches for her wine, gathers her thoughts. Whatever she is about to say, it troubles her. She sips, seems nervous. “As you know, what I tell you is in great confidence and is not to get back to Lesley. Agreed?” I readily nod. She drinks again, prolonging the dreading silence as the wedding party begins dancing in its gaiety once more. “She may be my niece, but I know her, a cautious sort. You’ve probably figured out that she doesn’t share much of herself, that you have to drag it out of her.”

    I smile in that knowing way.

    “But she has shared a bit with us about you. Oh, I can see it on your face that you weren’t expecting that. It’s nothing bad. It’s none of my business really but I do know she does love you. It’s nothing she’s said out loud either but I know her. I can sense it. And there’s a reason why I am telling you this.” She pauses before she adds, “There’s something you have to get use about her. Lesley is not just a Lady but a woman and she’s waiting for your initiation.”

    I ponder her words, glancing at some nearby dancers yelling in their fun as I try to think of how to react. “I’m sorry, I thought this discussion was about Woodruff Hall? Am I missing something here?”

    Poppy laughs in a quiet and affectionate manner. “That is so typical of me. Please forgive me, Jonathan. There are several things I wanted to say and I do believe I got them all jumbled up. What I meant to say, in regards to Woodruff Hall, the estate does not belong to us. We’re caretakers. My husband and I have a Kensington flat not too far away from Lesley’s and we have a home in the Lake District. I imagine Lesley has never shared this with you?”

    I shake my head.

    “That is normal for Lesley. This is a good habit. For those who know of her in these circles tend to send their sons, cousins, ex-husbands Lesley’s way, hoping that it’s a match. But she is very, very selective so feel lucky, young man. What I have to say to you needs to be known by you or whatever man comes into her life on a permanent basis.”

    My eyes implore her to tell me already.

    “Woodruff Hall, everything in it, the estate, all the enterprises, it all belongs to Lesley. Yes, I can see the reaction on your face, Jonathan. You didn’t know she is so posh.” The mirthfulness is gone from her voice. “This is not easy information to digest considering the life long ramifications. Well … if it comes to that. This is why I suspect Lesley is cautious with her heart. She knows some men are after what she has as opposed to who she is.”

    “I … I … I didn’t know.”

    “I know you didn’t, dear, which is why I wanted to say something before you heard it through other venues.”

    The amount of wealth at Lesley’s command is staggering. As I think about it, I wonder how she still comes through such royal circumstances to be normal as any bloke on the street. But that one name comes to mind the one I do not want to think of. “Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you-don’t,’ is he posh in his own right?”

    She smiles compassionately. “Lesley did tell me he unnerves you. But to answer your question. Yes, he has a privileged background, which makes his political affiliations all that more troubling, knowing his upbringing. He should remember this country’s recent history. There was a reason Lesley’s great grandfather was considered England’s worse Briton of the twentieth century.”

    “I just thought—”

    “No need to explain yourself at t’all, dear. I know what you’re thinking, that he has designs on her money. I can assure you he has no intentions. Personally, I just think that because of who he has become, he has lost friends. Lesley is loyal and I think he reacts to that. He is just a man who is without friends that are not political cronies. You are aware of his party’s platform beliefs?”

    “Indeed.”

    “I can assure you he and his hacks do not represent the view of the majority of the British people. And I do know my niece will not attach herself to such a man who harbours those beliefs. You see the children here today she serves. They come from all corners of the world. It does not matter to Lesley if they are black, yellow, red, purple, refugees, believe in Jesus, Muhammad, Moses, or no belief at t’all. The only thing that matters is that they need the charity’s services and she is here to assure that happens.”

    Poppy reaches for her bag, and starts rummaging through it and pulls out a small creased photo. She hands it to me. “I think this was taken a few months before the accident.” Lesley looks similar to her mother who is truly attractive as well. This is the second time I have seen Elyse’s photo.

    Lesley has a small wooden framed photo of them on her nightstand together alone taken when they are six. They are wearing matching white blouses, shorts, shiny buckled shoes and they grin infectiously. They are a mirror of each other, and it makes me wonder how much she must miss her other half. Handing the photo back, I add, “I can understand why she went through a dark period.”

    “Poor dear, to start her life with such a tragedy. Who wouldn’t be affected from such an event? I didn’t mean to sadden you.”

    “I bet Lesley would give all her millions away if she could have Elyse back again in her life.”

    “In my little pop psychology, feeble mind, I think the trouble Lesley went through earlier is because her whole life has been a journey to complete herself once more as she was in childhood.”

    Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you don’t’ is dressed in a grey morning suit walks up with a large grin, a drink in his hand. I hate to admit it but he is movie star handsome with that coiffed black hair, blue eyes, chiseled jawline, a tad bit taller and slimmer than me so I have to look up when I stand. Able to find attractive female companionship is not a problem. He extends his hand and I shake it vigorously. “Good to you see again. How’s tricks? Hope you don’t mind our bland English gatherings.”

    “Actually, I like weddings, the most optimistic moment in the newlyweds lives.”

    “Well for me, I’m always the groomsmen and never the groom.” His smile is disarming, winking at Poppy who coos back in smiles. “These things can be quite dull, trust me, Jon.”

    “Doesn’t stop you from attending,” Poppy says in a teasing manner, tapping him with her fan after she stands up.

    “Who can pass up this brilliant affair of free food and drink? Plus it’s the best time to find a potential mate,” he says sipping at his scotch in a clear plastic cup. Anyone with half-a-brain can tell he is the consummate little charmer with the put on faux continental manners and self-deprecating wit.

    “Oh you,” Poppy says laughing before turning to speak to an older couple walking nearby.                            

Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you don’t’ turns toward me, whispers so Poppy does not hear. “Watch the ‘ol gal closely. She likes her toddies a bit too much.” He winks at me in conspiracy. “When you get a chance, we need to share a drink. I have some people that can use your professional acumen.”

“And they would be?”

“Those who will guide Britain’s future by embracing her past.” After a few more words of weather commentary at normal volume, he leaves to join a knot of people nearby.

We continue on with Poppy’s arms back into mine. “I would not fret about him, Jonathan, just a harmless rogue. He’s had a crush on Lesley since boarding school, but our Lesley is a smart gal. She has seen through him since childhood. She won’t be fooled. His ghastly right wing politics are not exactly attractive either.”

When Poppy and I get back, we both wave at Lesley, who waves back with a smile, turning back to her charity kids, continuing her conversation. She glances at me and I grin in response that she matches. Something stirs in me. Even though I now know she has a fortune, owns Woodruff Hall and all its ancillary businesses, she is still just plain ‘ol everyday Lesley to me and she would still be in my life even if she had not a penny to her name.

Excusing myself, I interrupt her conversation, asking Lesley to dance. It is only us initially on the floor as the tempo switches over to jazzy Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald’s version of ‘Our Love Is Here To Stay’. Soon we are lost in our little world amongst the gathering couples. “What are you grinning at?” she asks in a smile as we twirl around. 

“I know a secret you don’t.”

“And that would be?”

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore, Your Grace.”

“You’re teasing me.” Her hazel eyes are twinkling as I nudge closer to her cheek, breathe in her amber perfume, hold her close, and revel in the moment knowing the mindless, political ambitions of Sir ‘I-have-a-title-and-you don’t’ will never come between us or our love for each other, his sidelong glare from afar burning a hole into me.

Sir? Sir?” a feminine voice asks, a gentle hand on my shoulder, my bleary eyes opening to the warmly smiling British Airways business-class stewardess with the crisp Oxford accent. “We’re preparing for landing into Heathrow, sir.”     

 

**********

 

THOUGH I HAVE A SENSE of gloom and anxiety because of everything that happens on this trip with gun battles and corpses and despite the authorities needing to speak to me immediately, I am ever so happy to see the massive sprawl of London. It is good to be home, though I am not a citizen. The Clash sang it right: London is calling. I always will be a Yank on a work visa, but over time, I have gotten use to black mini-cabs, red phone booths, tea trolleys, double-decker buses and those other symbols of British life we come to expect. And it is Christmas time so all the decorations are out reminding everyone of the pending holiday.

    After an hour or so of slow, tedious painful counter-surveillance measure, I determine that no one is watching me, at least anything I can detect before entering the flat. Every nook and cranny within my walls is checked for anything out of place. If the Mossad is watching me, or whoever possibly killed my colleagues, they are subtle, perhaps even allowing me my guard down before they strike. 

There are no voice messages on my mobile other than D.I. Tew replying to my mine that he fancies a natter about my earlier text and can we get together as soon as possible, as soon as I land? He will send a car if necessary. Throwing everything on the floor, I jump into the shower, initially yelping, feeling my wound. Looking into my small fog free mirror in the shower, the face staring back seems old with evident creases, bloodshot eyes, and I am too tired to shave the emerging facial hair.  

    For the first time ever, I double check the burglar alarm to make sure it is turned on before retiring. Lying down in my comfy bed, instantly, I am asleep despite the paranoia feeding me energy. Once waking up, I unpack, gather the dirty clothes to drop off at the cleaners, and check e-mails. On the telly the BBC News channel plays with the mute button on while I sit down on my squeaky couch and reread Farid’s e-mail translations.

They are here, that cell, whoever they are.

Are they awake now, planning our destruction as I think about them?

MI-5 needs to know what I know today; I can make that Mossad call afterwards but I will wait until I visit Dr. Patel. So many things happen on this trip that it fills my head with endless tangential connections. Peeking out the curtains, I see nothing in the quiet street out front. That Bangkok incident has to tie into what happens in Krakow which leads to Romania which produces that result in Sophia. This is no coincidence and I would be a fool if I think so otherwise. And where do my dead colleagues all fit into this?

Around the flat are many assorted framed photos of varying sizes of Lesley that I have yet to throw out, so it almost seems an outdated shrine. What would Dr. Patel read into that?

That thought reminds me and I grab Lesley’s signature necklace, place it in my front pocket, from the night stand that she left behind by accident so I can have Jaya post it to Woodruff Hall.  

While the Earl Grey tea cools, I go through my post, count the number of accumulated past due bills. Mentally calculating what is in the bank and how much I owe, that really sinks my spirits. In the pile is a postcard from Sophia, Bulgaria showing the cathedral we had followed Kyril to. After flipping it, a message is printed out: Sorry ‘ol chap, couldn’t help myself, being the ‘ol army cryptographer that I am but this is an easy one. Since you helped us, I felt I owed you one. This is what those buggers are after: Hail Caesar! Shift three: 8, 15, 28, 22, 8 – I’ll add on one more hint: תחילה הייתה שניים, עכשיו יש דבר אחד.”

It is dated the day the garage gun battle happened.

Hebrew? I cannot read Hebrew.

How come Eran just didn’t bloody tell me!    

Chapters

21

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Johanna Nield wrote 27 days ago

Congratulations on reaching the desk, Jose :)
I've read chapters one and two, which I found very engaging. Despite some very lengthy sentences and a superfluous use of adjectives, I like your writing style. This isn't a genre I'd normally read, so I don't feel qualified to comment on the plot, etc., but I wish you every success.
All the best
Johanna Nield

Lyn4ny wrote 81 days ago

Jose,

It already has done well I see. Great Job!!

-Lyn

Lyn4ny wrote 81 days ago

Hey Jose,

Great storyline here with wonderful characters. It has a great creative nature to it and flows nicely. I think its well-written and thought out. I think it will do well. Not my genre but I did like it. High Stars from me.

-Lyn
Forty-Four Footprints Following Me

Tarzan For Real wrote 87 days ago

Jose you write like the test tube son of Lee Child and the late Michael Critchon with a splash of Ludlum.

Forensic accounting mathematics aside, this is great edge-of-your-seat work. You really could catch a heart attack from the suspense, plot twists, and pace. I ought to know about the latter in my day job--remote international paramedic.

So, compelling characters, great descriptions of the international settings, and a great story.

High praise, highly starred, and I'd have backed this before you rocketed to the top spot.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph", & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

Software wrote 134 days ago

I do like this fast moving drama with its military theme and sense of impending doom. Jose has created a very compelling and often thought provoking literary fiction with a well crafted theme, bright and interesting characters and a fast moving plot. Easy to see why it reached the ed's desk. Great stuff.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

authordonna wrote 137 days ago

Wow! Great imagery. You have almost combined poetry with this story telling. Excellent writing.

Torkuda wrote 179 days ago


After taking a very long time to read this story, and still not being able after all this time to really enjoy it, I have to stop. By all accounts this is a very good story, however I don’t feel I can do it justice as it’s clearly outside my interests. I often get lost in some of the jargon and loose usage of foreign languages and I have to admit I really don’t understand what exactly the job of the main character is, so I don’t get what he’s trying to accomplish. Thus I feel inadequate to do a full review, even though you did back my book for a while. Sorry. I’ll write what I can.

1.Spelling/Grammar
Score: ¾
I’m pretty sure there are a number of grammatical errors in the story, however nothing really seemed to represent a pattern of misunderstanding to me. One or two more proofreads should take care of this.

2.Interesting Plot
Score: ~
Ultimately I found the plot confusing, and that’s probably because, again, this is way outside my genre. I would highly recommend this story to a mystery enthusiast who has traveled abroad, maybe even a military buff, however the only place I’ve been to outside of the states was Korea, which has very little in common with the areas where this story was set. I think less usage of local dialects would have helped me, but ultimately would have detracted from the genuine feel of the story, which even I could catch onto.

3.Good Direction
Score: 1/2
To be honest, the direction of this story seemed like it would be confusing no matter if I liked the genre or not. Flash backs seemed a little unpredictable and I wasn’t always sure why I was reading the history of a character rather than continuing to follow his adventures in the present. I’m used to flash backs that occur immediately to explain something in the story that was just brought up. I’ve seen stories that did not really interlace flashbacks like that, heck even the first Sherlock Holmes novel put a huge flash back at the end of the story that wasn’t triggered by anything, I didn’t like it, but I finished that part anyway. I’m not saying it’s wrong not to make direct ties, but some people may find it confusing.

4.Author Interest
Score: 1
Even now that the story is on the editors desk, the author continues to advertise it. He certainly has a heart for his story.

5.Believable Main Characters
Score: 3/4
With genuine accents, usage of jargon and native tongues, I did get the feeling that your characters were acting like real people. I will mention a slight confusion at the main character’s career choice if he hates violence or at least killing, but he wouldn’t be the first soldier to hate violence. I think maybe he promise to never kill again might be over doing it though. Kinda like B.A. Baracus on the A-team, swearing off killing, and then using automatic fire arms to blow up vehicles with passengers. However I will note that it is the mark of a good writer if he can make you believe that the impractical is practical. While reading, I somehow did believe that a man could swear off killing entirely, and yet still employ Bugsy and Spyder to guard his back with machine guns. Ridiculous yes, but you somehow sold me on it while I was reading it.
If you’re going for realism, I might tone down his aversion to violence to something more general, especially not swearing not to kill whilst using automatic weapons.

6.Likable Main Characters
Score: ½
I’m going low on this because while I didn’t hate Jonathan, I didn’t really find much to like. Clearly from some of his flashbacks, Jonathan had positive experiences in his life, he was just very rarely happy. He wasn’t particularly grumpy or sad either. He felt like he was just any fraud investigator, with a particular determination. His determination was a good trait that stood out, however I didn’t get much else. I wanted to see him joke back with Spyder and Bugsy for instance, but he usually just tries to shut them up. Truth is I tend to like exaggerated characters, so maybe my dislike of Jonathan was personal preference, but I would think about livening him up a bit.

7.Likable Side Characters
Score: 1
On the other hand you nailed many of your side characters. Bugsy and Spyder were great jokers and always having fun. I didn’t have to agree with their sense of humor to see they were having fun, which meant I had fun with them. Lesley was also painted very well as a patient and inviting woman, and even the mentor felt like a near father figure to Jonathan. (I can’t remember the mentor’s name at the moment. He was Jonathan’s handler, but he seemed like a mentor character to me.)

8.Good Scene Descriptions
Score: 1
Actually your descriptions in this story are vivid and detailed. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why when Bugsy and Spyder opened fire down a stair case with a pair of SAWs and killed no one, I didn’t see it as odd, as the scene was described so well I saw it in my mind’s eye perfectly.

9.Targeting
Score: 1
This story is well targeted at well-traveled mystery readers. Best I can tell they will definitely appreciate the realistic way events are handled, right down to people’s accents sounding genuine. International spy novels are a big niche, so this is a good target.

10.Broad Appeal
Score: ½
If my own personal experience is any indication, over specializing for a certain crowd will kill the interests of those outside. There’s nothing you can do about that save dumbing it down for a more general audience, which I actually don’t recommend.

I’m not going to officially score this story as I feel insufficient to give it a good judgment. Keep my comments in mind, perhaps, but realize this isn’t my cup of tea if you think I’m way off.

R. Dango wrote 191 days ago

This is a real enjoyable thriller. I am not surprised that it has made it to ED. I am a big fan of spy novels and I found this one as captivating as some of the best-sellers.

My only suggestion is, if it's not too late, to change the title to something easy for anyone to remember. I think most spy novels usually come with very easy titles - Our Game, Gold Finger, etc. What do you say?

R

Wussyboy wrote 224 days ago

I can generally tell within two pages whether I would buy a book or not, and this one had me reaching for my cash at para one. Tight, gritty and explosive, "The Obergemau Key" opens with a bang - quite literally - and just keeps powering on. One of the best first chapters I've ever read and a masterclass in 1st person narrative storytelling. Niiiiice!

Joe Kovacs
He ain't Heavy, He's my Buddha

Lynne Heffner Ferrante wrote 278 days ago

Is there any reason to review this book anymore or to back it? But I cannot resist. Aside from being my favorite genre, it is so well written and compelling that I am unable to put it down. Congratulations for a job so well done and such an entertaining and thought provoking book.

Lynne Heffner Ferrante
AN Untenable Fragrance of Violets

junetee wrote 340 days ago

THE OBERGEMAU KEY.

Exciting pitch.
This is a fast-paced, thriller. Its excellently written and I can see why it made it to the ed desk.
It is interesting, mysterious and even has a touch of humour to this thrilling story.
The beginning really took my interest, and then I couldn't stop reading. There's so much detail - and written so well.
You have done a great job!
Overall, an interesting and thrilling book. A great read. Highly starred.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Numbness wrote 364 days ago

just wondering why this is still drawing interest, even after ED'ing?

fictionguy wrote 404 days ago

This was a new way to start a novel, almostr like a screenplay, but you flit in and out of it, so it seems to work for this book and made me read on. It had a nice touch of humor in some spots that was needed. I have no doubt you will publish this. Let me know when it cones out. Good luck with this. You did a good job.

Dianna Lanser wrote 468 days ago

Jose,

I'm finally checking out your book. Sorry for the delay and now this system is on the clinker only allowing me to make short comments. I read the first three chapters. Wow... I'm really impressed with your writing and knowledge or your subject. So far the story is great - fast-paced, exciting, and very interesting. There's a bit of mystery that moves the reader forward. So I'm supposed to be written about the Christian girl in your story. So far there was just a quick reference to her and what you wrote was spot on about the Christian's call to forgive.

I'm going to give you six stars for your ability to create a thrilling beginning to what I suspect just gets even better. I'll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

J. T. Carroll wrote 482 days ago

I enjoyed reading this first chapter, it definitely pulled me in and made me want to read more. It's my favored style of writing, crisp, yet rich. I hope you won't mind me explaining which pieces made me pull up and took away from my enjoyment:

1) The opening short phrases provide a great opening, but once you get into the first paragraph, I want to know from whose viewpoint this is written. A simple addition of "My" to the first sentence in the second paragraph would do that.

2) "the breath fast exhales" doesn't read smoothly, nor is it consistent with "a twisting in "my" side. IAgain, I think that you need another pronoun in this sentence. Perhaps something like "I can't re-gain my expelled breath"

3) "a twisting in my side that gathers strength" doesn't flow or fit with the previous way you've been describing things. Perhaps something like "the twisting in my side increasing as if I'd been stabbed and an unseen hand was twisting the knife."

4) The last sentence in this first paragraph was a real stopper for me. It doesn't flow. Perhaps something like
"At below freezing, the shiver of my lips spreads through my body, as if to hasten my transition to a corpse.

5) Fourth paragraph, end first sentence after trigger. Remove and, start the next sentence with "Instead, I". At the end of this sentence "weighs heavier in my mind than the (add gun) in my hand.

I'll stop here, but if you appreciate this type of comment and would like more, contact me. As I said, I think this could be really good, after only reading the first chapter. But, you have a lot of missing pronouns, and some rough sentence structures. I'd be glad to help with.

johnpatrick wrote 483 days ago

Great read man.
I can see why it was so successfull. Just flew through the first 3 chapters. How a thriller is supposd to read. Plenty to learn from here.
Every success with it!
John
Dropping Babies.

serenalynn wrote 487 days ago

congrats. one could say I have a twisted sense of humor and even if you didnt mean to, it matched me well. the story is very well written and was a page turner.
thank you for the entertainment and congratulations again
Serena

NatashaM wrote 488 days ago

First of all, congratulations on making the Editor's Desk, and so rightly deserved! I have only read chapter one so far, but I love it. I'm a sucker for a good thriller. I like how you set the location right from the start. It invokes the imagination. The description of place and character is very well told too. I definately will be reading more.

ScottTrimas wrote 488 days ago

Loved the opening to the book. Tons of detail and very interesting. I hope to read more later on.

Eric Laing wrote 488 days ago

Simply excellent. Excellent prose told with confidence and rightly so. Near masterful unfolding of narrative...something very difficult in this genre, or so I have experienced in reading others' such offerings on autho.

Only one extremely small nit. A few word choices for the MC conflicted with his being American. 'Cheeky' and 'knackered' come to mind. Perhaps this is to show how European he has become, but, even so, I found it undermined the cedibility. If that's the case, maybe have him with more distinctive traits that wouldn't be suspect as possible authorial mistakes. Something like the manner of his cigarette smoking,choice of diet or the such.... Just a thought.

I've no doubt this will do extremely well. All the best with its and your success. Six stars...you don't need the backing.

E

AuroraNemesis wrote 488 days ago

A delicious read, with a very strong opening.
You’re writing flows well and you seem at ease with your writing style.
Our characters are first rate and add colour and dimension to your scenes.
A colourful dialogue with a staccato feel, that draws the writing on.
Good ending on your chapters lead you on to reading the next chapter
I enjoyed reading and would recommend.
Well done.

DerekTobin wrote 489 days ago

Hi Jose
This is a hell of a first chapter and I think you nailed it. Conflict and some gut renching emotion in there - I care for Jonathon your protagonist right from the off and that's an accomlishment in its self. Its easy to see how you got to the desk with this work. I particularly liked the flashbacks or images of Lesley and his heartfelt regret - I think you cooked that just right and such stuff can be difficult to balance. The writing flows and no clunky sections slowing it down. I thought this one line:
"years' of love's inadequacy" doesnt need the possesive on years'- just - years of love's inadequacy
It occured to me that if he promised not to kill - could he not have just shot to wound or incapacitate him rather than a kill shot? Just a thought and Im sure it would depend on his character and skill with a gun - which you obviously know better than me. I get hints at his character being honourable and gentlemanly through his thoughts and this gives him more depth. Overall not many crits I know but I felt it was a great start to the story with a brilliant hook. I will def be reading more and commenting further as things occur to me. Well done Jose.
Derek

Milorossi wrote 490 days ago

Interesting, shit!
But Let's hope I don't a chrismtas morning like that

ella's heartstrings wrote 745 days ago

I see the book isn't getting much activity. I'm back on the site, a bit Contrary as always, will try to give the book another look after I've finished more edits. We Texans need to stick together. And this comment should hit your email inbox, will remove after I hear back from you and you read my message. PS -- could you send a little rain down south in my direction?

Mary

Freya Pickard wrote 801 days ago

Explosive start. I like the stuccato present tense. It drew me into the action and I felt I knew the narrator well, almost immediately. Your powers of description are excellent - not too much but harsh and vivid enough to paint a truly real picture. This isn't my normal type of read but it held my attention.

Saint wrote 921 days ago

Dear Jose
Wow, what a beginning chapter! Well done. In chapter one I see you prose and hear your voice. The action starts right away and each sentence is packed with punch and description and we learn so much so soon. You capture the reader as your protag lays almost breathless. We want to breathe for him. I see why this book is ranked...or was ranked...I'm not sure how this all works yet. I hope to get back to chapter two soon.

Of course we want to read on because we need to know what happens. The only thing I thought was strange was how Jaya texts him and he knows it. If he was chasing someone wouldn't his phone be on silent? If so, how would he know that a text came through?

Have a great day!
Michelle (WILLOW)

Jessica L Degarmo wrote 923 days ago

I wanted to pop in and let you know that I read the first chapter. I'll say that it is quite good, and most certainly action-filled, but I also wanted to give you some of my impressions as I read to help you polish this further:

In this line: "He would solve the puzzle we have been chasing this whole time but now I will never know for the blood is collecting in the back of my throat, tasting it fully as if I’m dining on my own self.", it's a little confusing when you get the the part where the character is tasting the blood. The way it's written, that little section doesn't follow the same pattern as the rest of the sentence. You are relying on the I there (I will never know) but it doesn't work. I'd split up the sentence there and say, "I'm tasting it fully as if I'm dining on my own self." or say and 'I'm tasting it fully, as if I'm dining on myself."

In this line, "The pain cinches on itself making grunt out from the exquisite pain turning on itself", it reads a little awkward. Is the pain paking him grunt? Did you miss a 'me' there?

I think that there are a few instances when you are describing something, you use the instead of his or my. It almost distances the reader, I think, and jars, just a tad.

Overall, I think you are to be commended. I'm not sure if this was accidental or not, but the way some of the sentences were slightly disjointed and fragmented, it actually gave credence to the character's pain and suffering and was very atmospheric. After all, a man who's bleeding out probably isn't going to have the fortitude or ability to think completely clearly at all times.
I also wanted to say that the first few paragraphs reminded me of a WWII or WWI book with Germany, war, etc. It was not what I expected when you mentioned an Iphone! Kind of made me smile. Your work is evocative of that, but I guess some things never change, and war, murder, etc., no matter what the tools and weapons, is one of them.
So, my hats off to you and your review! I hope that you go far with this work.
Regards,
Jessica L. Degarmo

SChamblee wrote 946 days ago

Hi,

You asked me to look at your book and consider how you handled Christianity in it.

First off, I thought you were respectful and rather honest and realistic in how you handled everyone and their differences.

There's a few things I think you might consider, though. I'm not sure that the Church of England would call it 'born again'....though I must admit I don't know that for sure.

Usually 'born again' is a term used by the very conservative. It was rather vague how the Lady Lesley came to her beliefs. I didn't get that, and don't know if you want to be a little more specific about it?
One big *big* thing I was concerned about - a born again Christian would not have slept with her boyfriend so casually. It is still very much considered wrong to do that outside of marriage. Of course, this would be mitigated some if she was not taught much about her Christian faith. I'm not saying it could never happen - just that if it did happen with a dedicated born again Christian, she'd have great, deep conflict about it. I understand that your book partially hinges on this....it's just something I noticed in regards to her being a Christian.

I'm wondering too - if a Christian asks a Jew about Jesus Christ - doesn't that offend the Jewish person? I know we're very careful in this regard, because most Jews consider it extremely offensive. Of course, I'm not sure I got how dedicated your MC is to Judaism, so that point could be moot.

I did get the sense that the fact she was a Christian was almost like an afterthought - except when it came to her making him promise not to kill people. This was the only time I ever saw her being passionate about her beliefs. That and the first time they meet and her asking him about Jesus is mentioned almost in passing.

I guess to me if she's a dedicated Christian she wouldn't be dating a man who isn't also a dedicated Christian. But I see that you really can't change that part - it can and does happen. But if it does there are more discussions on religion, or at least a discussion about agreeing to disagree - purposely steering clear of it.

Sorry about the ramble through my thoughts - I hope you don't mind. I thought you handled all the religions in your book respectfully.

Any of the things I mentioned you could just explain away with the fact that when people decide to do something they're usually going to just do it. Sometimes they don't follow all the tenets of their religion, etc.

:)
Sherry

HannahWar wrote 954 days ago

Congratulations, indeed excellently written, beautiful details, elegant sentences, poised word choice, so completely on top of your writing. The only difficulty I have with this first chapter is that a heavily wounded man does not think in beautifully crafted sentences and clear images. It asks for unfinished, chaotic thoughts and interrupted images which usually demand a more unpolished style with wild, staccato sentences. But then again, perhaps I didn't read enough and you wanted to portray a thoroughbred gentleman even when he's at the point of death. The best of luck! Hannah

NMott wrote 979 days ago

Hi, read you were after feedback.
Couple of tips. This is told in the 1st person so you don't need to put his unspoken words in italics - it's self evident to the reader it's him.
Secondly try to cut down on the number of words ending in '-ing' that you've used at the start of your sentences. It bugs the agents.
Good luck,
NaomiM

David Hough wrote 986 days ago

A great thriller, Jose. It captures your imagination from the start. I must stop here, so I've watch listed it so that I can enjoy the rest later.
Good luck with this one.
David Hough
The Ghost on Warlock Hill

Stark Silvercoin wrote 988 days ago

The Öbergemau Key has one of the best openings I’ve read so far on Authonomy. Author Jose Carlos Cavazos wastes no time in bringing readers right to the heart of the mystery. I found myself caring for the main character as he lay dying, even though I never met him before. I was glad when this didn’t turn out to be one of those books where the lead is dead and then there are a bunch of flashbacks. The opening is really cleverly done. Reading onward, it seems that Cavazos is a great mystery writer as well. This book moves between being a thriller (again, one of the best I’ve seen here) and a mystery that is both complex and realistic. In short, it’s a great read. My only comment beyond that is that I never figured out the significance of the Arabic symbols at the top of each chapter.

Terry Murphy wrote 989 days ago

Dear Jose,

Great title, great cover and clever use of language. Intriguing opening too.

Bravo on reaching the 'Desk' and good luck with your HC review.

Terry
Weekend in Weighton

lj reads wrote 992 days ago

You've obviously worked really hard on this book. Whew! I'm impressed!

La Marmonie wrote 994 days ago

This is my first time on authonomy, so I just read two chapters. Very nice prose in Chapter One. I really like it, apart from the cliche in the first paragraph, "hurts like hell."

Looking forward to reading more.

Good luck.

Marilyn Rodwell

Shieldmaiden wrote 994 days ago

Sorry it took so long to get to reading the book. But congrats on making it to the editors desk! I read the first two chapters and I thought they were excellent. I especially like the two bodyguards. They're charming. :D The whole narrative of the story was very well written, and I hope you make it into publishing. I wish you all the best.

--Shieldmaiden

Daniel Escurel Occeno wrote 995 days ago

Congratulation!

Daniel Escurel Occeno – danielocceno@ymail.com (Pen Name: Enrique Gubat)

silver-gypsy wrote 995 days ago

Wow... powerful first chapter. I couldn't stop. I liked the use of the german... it's interesting because I'm taking German this semester and I could actually read and understand it. :)

There are a couple of typos, but nothing really bad. Altogether, a solid read. Backed.

Nichole

TMNAGARAJAN wrote 996 days ago

Congratulations
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

RJEK wrote 996 days ago

Congrats man! Good luck to you.

Randeep wrote 996 days ago

Congrats and best of luck!!

naveennayar wrote 996 days ago

Congratulations, God Bless You:)-Naveen.

SingingOwl wrote 996 days ago

Congratulations!

ccb1 wrote 996 days ago

Jose, Congratulation!
CC Brown
Dark Side

rumbot wrote 996 days ago

This is a neat concept. I think it could play well in various venues. It might need some editing, but that is fine.

Tom Balderston wrote 996 days ago

Congratulations on your Selection. May it bring you to the masses.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

John Meeks wrote 999 days ago

It's difficult to comment with confidence since you've had to take down so much of the book. I understand that necessity but it leaves me a bit in the dark. I only have a couple of questions:1. Why wouldn't Lady Lesley tell everyone that there was no risk in storming the cabin at the end? 2. Sometimes your first person exposition sounds a bit forced. There are things that must be explained but perhaps you could do it with dialogue occasionally or try to make it sound more naturally part of the hero's musings.
The plot sounds involved but interesting and I wish I had been able to read more of material related to the world views. I am sure that adds a lot of texture and depth to the action.
You clearly deserve your high ranking. I back the book for sure.
John Meeks, Bogey's Final Gift

Karina_Evans wrote 999 days ago

It's a shame I can't read at least the first chapter, as this would help with becoming accustomed to style etc. I've backed this book, as I very much like the detailed way that you write, although due to time constraints, I read only a few pages. With regards to punctuation, it's a personal thing, I probably over-punctuate and some people use it sparingly. Whichever, whatever, I don't think it's anything to worry about. I hope it all works out for you.

PS. I would much rather a spam message than a spam comment, just for future info.

Peter Wild wrote 1000 days ago

One of the most accomplished pieces of work on this site. No real nit-picks (there is never any need to add 'watch' to 'Rolex', nobody is ever happy to be wrong, so everybody is always 'sorely' mistaken, etc) Backed for sure.
Peter Wild
Double Action

Jasmin Star wrote 1000 days ago

Your plot is exciting and the characters' dialogue runs naturally. I haven't read all the uploaded chapters, but I do have some comments. Some of the sentences run on a little too long, and I noticed sentence fragments separated by semicolons. Try restructuring the long ones by creating new, shorter sentences from them to contrast with longer ones. The sentence fragments would sound better if completed, although some are okay if you use them sparingly as a deliberate writing technique.
In the sentence, "Sean being the good son that he was..." you should add commas after "Sean" and "was." Also in the same sentence, "parents" should be "parents'."
'He created a trading firm organized as a partnership but ran like a corporation," makes it sound as if he ran like a corporation.
"There is almost an indignant sneer his face," is missing "on," and I think you meant "I reply in a [sly] smile."
"He is no gentleman, that one is. Kisses and tells, he will." In this the identical consecutive sentence structure sounds a bit repetitive to me, but if you like it that way, I think "kiss and tell..." would fit better with the last sentence, since you are mixing present with future as it is. The story needs some re-editing, but it looks like it will make a fantastic and suspenseful book when published. Best of luck!

Jasmin