The Sea Pillow

Hi there! :) I have noticed some of your comments in the forums and I have read some of the comments you have left for other authors about their work. I respect your opinions & I hope you will take a look at mine when I finally upload it. I, of course, was curious about your book. When I discovered that it was for children, I thought the best way to test it out would be to read it to my 10 year old daughter. We read the first 4 chapters this morning over breakfast and hair styling (pony tail with matching ribbon). She seemed to like it very much and wants to read more tonight. So far, the only part that confused her was all the information about Jacks fathers work. She thought it was funny that you say "maths" throughout the book. We just say math. She also said that she felt sorry for Jack when he had to relay messages back and forth between his mom & dad when he was on the cell phone. She said my husband & I do that to her all the time (my mother & I too). I hadn't realized. ;) She seems to care about Jack and definitely wants to "meet" his grandfather after school. I will also say that I have 11 years experience teaching grades 3-8 and I can tell you the 4th - 6th graders would love this and be able to read it on their own. The 3rd graders and younger would love to have it read to them. I wish you lots of luck. Take care! :)

Jennifer Sosniak
(I don't have a title for my book yet)

To Barbara,

This genre is usually not for me and I would not read any booke in it, but this time - well, the boss (granddaughter number two) loved that which I read for her - the rest must be read this weekend. I rest my case. You have my best wishes and my BACKING. You're on my shelf.

HI barbara, the sea pillow'
the pitch is a story within itself, great .
this is one great story for children, have read some of it to my grand children and they also think its great and asking for more. its written with a lovely touch and with plenty of feeling that children can relate to
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses;
your almost there hope this comment pushes you over the line, it deserves it.

So good, I've snaffled my wife's 8 year old daughter to read it with me. We've only got a week whilst they're here but I may have trouble getting her to go to sleep after this? We're loving this, though only got through the first chapter so far!
Backed with pleasure.
Mick
Flirty Something

THE SEA PILLOW: looking after grandchildren is always a delight but sometimes tiring in the bad weather. Your book has ben tested on 3 very hard to amuse young people and it has been given a serious thumbs up!
In fact it has been given 4 serious thumbs ups. Your writing is something to be admired bya fellow writer, your descriptions and scene setting are of a very high standard.
Mystery, conedy and dialogue to walk the plank by. This is a winner in this house.
I explained alittle of how the site here wroks and have been threatened with a horrible fate if I fail to back your book fully.
Tonight we will read a lot more...

Rev raven Scott (Love is a colour too)
PS. I've now been instructed to write a children's story too. That will be after my next novel about WW1, my book about Christianity and...oh well!

As Jane says "Brilliant"! I've just read a couple chapters, and I love the story. The imagery in the prologue is so rich and well-written. Jack is realistic and I love the guilty sugar sneaking. I'll be back to read more, and I've put your other book on my shelf too so I can check that one out. Wonderful writing!

Enjoyed the first few chapters and hope to be back for more once I check some more books off my waiting list. You've made Jack a very likable boy and his quirky father is a nice balance to his more serious mum. Kids love pirate stories, especially the quest for treasure, and in this case you've made Grandpa's good reputation a treasure to be regained as well.

I hope you can take a look at my book if you have some time!
Nicole
The Fourth Mistake

Hi Barbara, I've read your work with interest... Very engaging!! Great work.!

I only joined this website yesterday. I got a message today, saying your review from harper collins was now public? Where is that? I would like to see what they have had to say about your work...

Good luck with your writing!! I have rated you and backed you. :)
Monicque.

Excellent read for the children's/young adult market! can see why its gold-medaled! Hope this means its on the editor's desk? Where it needs to be, especially Harper, which publishes a lot of the quality reads I buy for the young adults in my family.

Hi Barbara, I see youv'e had a comment from HC-a bit critical, altho' it starts off well enough. I'm not sure if my comments are worthwhile. I've nothing really to add to the comments you've received. If this is a pirate story for kids, then I'm a big kid. It's all there: treasure Island, a lovely mermaid, treachery, lost treasure or perhaps stolen treasure! All tho' it can't be stolen if you didn't own it in the first place-can it?
Congratulations on your high rating and getting a review by HC-what next?
Good luck with it anyway. Backed & shelved when I've got some room.
Best Walt.

I read the first 3 chapters and I can see why you got onto the editor's desk. The prologue was really good with the dramatic scene on the boat. In the second chapter it slows down a bit, but I like the insight into Jack's family life, and the tension between his parents. It gives it a touch of realism. Due to this I think it would probably be more suited to the middleschool age group rather than primary kids. Best wishes, Marita.

Greetings,
I read the publishers review of yor story with interest. I am glad you made their comment public so that all can see what is at the top of the greasy pole.
May I be direct and ask how you feel after the event? Of course you don't have to say and i will understand if you don't. I am curious to know how you feel about the extent of the review, its usefulness, and whether you consider the effort in gaining it was worthwhile.
My feeling is that the comments are the sort of comments that we should all be making of the stories we read here, but that in the mad rush to scramble up the pole few actually do.
Anyway, congrats on getting to the coveted top slot and good luck with your story!
Ron Askew

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Ooops! See how new I am? You already have a yellow star! You don't need my backing. That's wonderful. You deserve it. :)

I forgot to tell you that my daughter also identified with the excessive parent/teacher conferences. She says she feels like a student 24/7 because I'm a teacher at home too. ;) BTW - I backed it.

Hi there! :) I have noticed some of your comments in the forums and I have read some of the comments you have left for other authors about their work. I respect your opinions & I hope you will take a look at mine when I finally upload it. I, of course, was curious about your book. When I discovered that it was for children, I thought the best way to test it out would be to read it to my 10 year old daughter. We read the first 4 chapters this morning over breakfast and hair styling (pony tail with matching ribbon). She seemed to like it very much and wants to read more tonight. So far, the only part that confused her was all the information about Jacks fathers work. She thought it was funny that you say "maths" throughout the book. We just say math. She also said that she felt sorry for Jack when he had to relay messages back and forth between his mom & dad when he was on the cell phone. She said my husband & I do that to her all the time (my mother & I too). I hadn't realized. ;) She seems to care about Jack and definitely wants to "meet" his grandfather after school. I will also say that I have 11 years experience teaching grades 3-8 and I can tell you the 4th - 6th graders would love this and be able to read it on their own. The 3rd graders and younger would love to have it read to them. I wish you lots of luck. Take care! :)

Jennifer Sosniak
(I don't have a title for my book yet)

Thank you for this incredible review. I have addressed many of these issues now. I have added a another battle scene (with a Sea Monster) to the story and have increased Jack's input into the solving of the mystery. I think your comments have helped me so very much!

Kia ora,

I've read 'The Sea Pillow' as requested. It’s getting close to the end of the month and I wanted to get through your book, so I haven’t done any detailed proofreading. I had a look through Chapter 3 for some examples of what you could watch out for when proofreading (suggested insertions are in square brackets):

Chapter 3

- ‘Friday, half past three, the start of the holidays[.] Jack should’ve been able to...’
- ‘This should have been the best time ever’ is a very general statement. Is the start of the holidays when he’s about to visit his grandfather really ‘the best time ever’ for Jack? Wouldn’t a boy of his age be more focused on enjoying the visit than on enjoying the anticipation of the visit?
- ‘Jack went about slowly picking up bits and pieces lying about the floor’ – the word ‘about’ occurs twice in this sentence and could trip readers up.
- ‘So[,] quite regularly[,] Jane came in[ ]to talk with the teacher.’
- ‘Just to make sure you’re progressing[,] Jack.’
- There are quite a few short and blunt statements – I didn’t pay too much attention to how these were distributed but a mixture of long and short sentences, and variation in the number of clauses in each sentence, make for easier reading.
- A ‘poor showing in mathematics,’ to me, suggests that Jack appears to be doing poorly – how can this be improbable? She may think it improbable that he lacks talent at maths, but not that it looks like he’s doing badly.
- ‘”Maybe the other students are holding you back[,] Jack,” she’d say.’
- ‘w[h]iz’
- ‘He understood better than his mother wished him too.’ – ‘Too’ should be ‘to’.
- ‘you[‘]r[e] driving’

A couple of points from other chapters:

4.
- ‘Jack didn’t love the mushy peas.’ – Did he not love them, or not like them? Is there a particular reason you’ve chosen ‘love’?
- ‘He felt uptight’ – uptight generally implies a bit inflexible (in thinking or perhaps in behaviour), rather than feeling tense.

8.
- ‘The question burned Jack’ – I haven’t heard the expression ‘burning question’ used quite in this way before. I wonder if you mean something along the lines of ‘the question burned in Jack’s mind’.

13.
- ‘pouring’ should be ‘poring’
- Watch that you don’t repeat the same information too much: ‘So if the first crew didn’t get back,...So if the first landing crew were late...’

18.
- ‘turn coat and run’ might need to be changed to ‘turn tail and run’ – a turncoat would be someone who betrayed them (for example if Red Joe ran off to join Naggot).

More generally, you have an interesting concept here, on the basis of which I’ve backed this book. However, I do have a couple of points which may be worth considering.

I couldn’t figure out quite what your targeted age group was. There seemed to be enough potential for a reasonably complex plot, and the scene – particularly in Jack’s waking world – was well set for quite a bit of adventure. We had Jack, his parents, his grandfather, and Jack’s school holidays – not to mention an exciting new place for Jack to explore. I felt that more could have been made of this angle. Similarly, we start off with high expectations about a pirate ship and many adventures, but it felt more like a couple of ship battles and some people standing around on a ship talking. It would have been nice to see Jack linked to Captain Jack – the sugar in his coffee was a nice touch, but Captain Jack comes across (certainly at the start) as very confident and knowledgeable. I think children might relate more to someone who has a little self doubt and who is more engaged in discovering the environment and people around him (as opposed to Captain Jack, who knows his environment very well). We’re left to watch two people (Jack and Captain Jack) each, quite comfortably, making their way around their own worlds.

Considering the extent of the scene-setting, it seems a shame to have such a simple and linear plot, because I get the feeling that children who are old enough to be reading about pirate adventures and fraud allegations are probably old enough for a bit of mystery and detective work. Jack makes the connection between his pirate rival and his grandfather’s accountant without us even seeing the list of names. There could be room for other complications in Jack’s life (it’d be nice to see him with a companion his own age, for example) or other events in his pirate dreams that require a bit of problem solving. Of course, I’m probably just directing you towards a more conventional Narnia-type model (but it might be worth keeping in mind that many young children are even reading books like Harry Potter).

One further point - Jack’s father in particular brings some humour to the story – is there any way of sustaining this, particularly in Jack’s dreams?

With Jack and Captain Jack caught up in solving the puzzle of Captain Jackson, we don’t have much connection to either world in the story. Both of the Jacks could be excellent guides to these worlds through their own explorations. This would hopefully bring us closer to the characters and give us more of a vested interest in seeing the issue of Naggot resolved.

I felt that ‘The Sea Pillow’ was building up to something it didn’t quite deliver. I get the impression you are capable of writing something more complex, though I’m not suggesting you write another ten thousand words in order to do so. It is possible your book could find a readership amongst more reluctant readers, though even then I wonder whether children might like to be challenged in the plot, rather than in the prose.

The writing generally held my interest, with some interesting vocabulary and expressions (though it’s worth checking whether you’ve got the right ones – I’ve pointed out a couple that seemed misplaced). I hope you get a chance to proofread and perhaps do some reworking, because beautiful writing makes for a book that children will want to come back to.

Apologies if I’ve missed anything (and for any incoherence - it’s late!) Please let me know if you’d like clarification on any of this, and good luck on the Editor’s Desk.

Best wishes,
elf_friend

What I love about this is the way the ordinary world is so vivid with incidents we can (I am raising 2 teens) identify with: the sugar incident; the image of Jack slumped down; the interactions and then the graphic exciting imaginary world. I highly commend this and it's on my shelf.

Do we get a second installment when he comes across another pillow elsewhere? I simply love this premise, the possibilities are endless for a series.

Congratulation!

Daniel Escurel Occeno – danielocceno@ymail.com (Pen Name: Enrique Gubat)

Chap four near the top,
" Maths is so important . . ."
MATH is so important . . .

Chapter three near the end,
"Just poking a bit of fun at him. and goading your poor old mum."
. And . . .

Congrats, and best of luck!!!!

Congratulations, God Bless You:)-Naveen.

Congratulations! Well deserved!

Barbara, Congratulation!
CC Brown
Dark Side

Congratulations on your Selection. May it bring you to the masses.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Kia ora,

I've read 'The Sea Pillow' as requested. It’s getting close to the end of the month and I wanted to get through your book, so I haven’t done any detailed proofreading. I had a look through Chapter 3 for some examples of what you could watch out for when proofreading (suggested insertions are in square brackets):

Chapter 3

- ‘Friday, half past three, the start of the holidays[.] Jack should’ve been able to...’
- ‘This should have been the best time ever’ is a very general statement. Is the start of the holidays when he’s about to visit his grandfather really ‘the best time ever’ for Jack? Wouldn’t a boy of his age be more focused on enjoying the visit than on enjoying the anticipation of the visit?
- ‘Jack went about slowly picking up bits and pieces lying about the floor’ – the word ‘about’ occurs twice in this sentence and could trip readers up.
- ‘So[,] quite regularly[,] Jane came in[ ]to talk with the teacher.’
- ‘Just to make sure you’re progressing[,] Jack.’
- There are quite a few short and blunt statements – I didn’t pay too much attention to how these were distributed but a mixture of long and short sentences, and variation in the number of clauses in each sentence, make for easier reading.
- A ‘poor showing in mathematics,’ to me, suggests that Jack appears to be doing poorly – how can this be improbable? She may think it improbable that he lacks talent at maths, but not that it looks like he’s doing badly.
- ‘”Maybe the other students are holding you back[,] Jack,” she’d say.’
- ‘w[h]iz’
- ‘He understood better than his mother wished him too.’ – ‘Too’ should be ‘to’.
- ‘you[‘]r[e] driving’

A couple of points from other chapters:

4.
- ‘Jack didn’t love the mushy peas.’ – Did he not love them, or not like them? Is there a particular reason you’ve chosen ‘love’?
- ‘He felt uptight’ – uptight generally implies a bit inflexible (in thinking or perhaps in behaviour), rather than feeling tense.

8.
- ‘The question burned Jack’ – I haven’t heard the expression ‘burning question’ used quite in this way before. I wonder if you mean something along the lines of ‘the question burned in Jack’s mind’.

13.
- ‘pouring’ should be ‘poring’
- Watch that you don’t repeat the same information too much: ‘So if the first crew didn’t get back,...So if the first landing crew were late...’

18.
- ‘turn coat and run’ might need to be changed to ‘turn tail and run’ – a turncoat would be someone who betrayed them (for example if Red Joe ran off to join Naggot).

More generally, you have an interesting concept here, on the basis of which I’ve backed this book. However, I do have a couple of points which may be worth considering.

I couldn’t figure out quite what your targeted age group was. There seemed to be enough potential for a reasonably complex plot, and the scene – particularly in Jack’s waking world – was well set for quite a bit of adventure. We had Jack, his parents, his grandfather, and Jack’s school holidays – not to mention an exciting new place for Jack to explore. I felt that more could have been made of this angle. Similarly, we start off with high expectations about a pirate ship and many adventures, but it felt more like a couple of ship battles and some people standing around on a ship talking. It would have been nice to see Jack linked to Captain Jack – the sugar in his coffee was a nice touch, but Captain Jack comes across (certainly at the start) as very confident and knowledgeable. I think children might relate more to someone who has a little self doubt and who is more engaged in discovering the environment and people around him (as opposed to Captain Jack, who knows his environment very well). We’re left to watch two people (Jack and Captain Jack) each, quite comfortably, making their way around their own worlds.

Considering the extent of the scene-setting, it seems a shame to have such a simple and linear plot, because I get the feeling that children who are old enough to be reading about pirate adventures and fraud allegations are probably old enough for a bit of mystery and detective work. Jack makes the connection between his pirate rival and his grandfather’s accountant without us even seeing the list of names. There could be room for other complications in Jack’s life (it’d be nice to see him with a companion his own age, for example) or other events in his pirate dreams that require a bit of problem solving. Of course, I’m probably just directing you towards a more conventional Narnia-type model (but it might be worth keeping in mind that many young children are even reading books like Harry Potter).

One further point - Jack’s father in particular brings some humour to the story – is there any way of sustaining this, particularly in Jack’s dreams?

With Jack and Captain Jack caught up in solving the puzzle of Captain Jackson, we don’t have much connection to either world in the story. Both of the Jacks could be excellent guides to these worlds through their own explorations. This would hopefully bring us closer to the characters and give us more of a vested interest in seeing the issue of Naggot resolved.

I felt that ‘The Sea Pillow’ was building up to something it didn’t quite deliver. I get the impression you are capable of writing something more complex, though I’m not suggesting you write another ten thousand words in order to do so. It is possible your book could find a readership amongst more reluctant readers, though even then I wonder whether children might like to be challenged in the plot, rather than in the prose.

The writing generally held my interest, with some interesting vocabulary and expressions (though it’s worth checking whether you’ve got the right ones – I’ve pointed out a couple that seemed misplaced). I hope you get a chance to proofread and perhaps do some reworking, because beautiful writing makes for a book that children will want to come back to.

Apologies if I’ve missed anything (and for any incoherence - it’s late!) Please let me know if you’d like clarification on any of this, and good luck on the Editor’s Desk.

Best wishes,
elf_friend

Definitely the stuff of kids dreams, I'll back it.
Best regards
John G
'The last Olympiad.'

To Barbara,

This genre is usually not for me and I would not read any booke in it, but this time - well, the boss (granddaughter number two) loved that which I read for her - the rest must be read this weekend. I rest my case. You have my best wishes and my BACKING. You're on my shelf.

I like captain Jack very artistic, good luck for this month I wish you the bestadve trues. Keep sailing

I love your writing, it is so fresh and original. You have a wonderful talent for dialogue, characterisation and narrative drive. There is a definitely a market for this, so it is very happily backed.
Mal

Hello Barbara,

I've read only the first chapter and like it already! Planning on reading the rest as soon as I can. It's a story that many children will love.

Best regards,
Jasmin
The Seasons, or, The Adventures of GREEM and Company

Have just read the first 5 chapters. Great story and I love your dialogue - so natural. Deserves to be where it is. Outstanding! One I will back soon. Love, Katina (Daisy Chain)

Hi Barbara
Not much happens in the first four chapters. Have you read it out loud to a small gathering of really good friends who will tell you the truth? I'm not saying it's boring but it needs something to grab my attention and hold me. I still love the idea and will read the rest soon.

Hi have read, and enjoyed the first few chapters here, a good read I'd say for the target audience, or to read to a child in bed perhaps, not really for me I don't think but all the same a good story, and it's not difficult to work things out either.

Chrissie

well deserving of its No one position. it will take me a while to read it all (limited computer access) but I'm really enjoying it. I'll even buy the book
all the best

well deserving of its No one position. it will take me a while to read it all (limited computer access) but I'm really enjoying it
all the best

This is a unique idea!

Backed! Best of luck!!

This seems an awful lot of fun! Best of luck!

Sorry, I thought I'd already left a comment, but it looks like I have not. I just wanted to say, this was one of those authonomy books I kept reading, even after deciding it was good enough to go on my shelf. Looks like it has made it to the editors desk. congratulations!

Hi Barbara
I'm no expert on children's books but I read up to 4 out loud and it reads really well. My one comment is that it seemed to get more adult as it went on. Backed Mike

You are up there at the top and so hardly need the backing or comment but on the principle that I only back and comment on books that draw me in and hold me there - backed with pleasure. And it's a well deserved top place - the contrast is quite striking when comared with many books I've read here. OOPS... Not that there aren'y many good ones... don't want to insult authonomists, its just that .... oh dear better sign off before I start digging myself an even deeper hole.

Such an interesting story. How did you come up with all of this. Backed! If you get a moment look at my book In The Mud: An American Odyssey. Any comments are appreciated and if you like it...

Thanks,
T. Rhyder
In The Mud: An American Odyssey

Hi there! What a fun story! I love the pirates best, they are hilarious and I actually laughed out loud a few times. I'll be sharing this with my nephews this weekend! Backed!

I wonderful and simple story idea that is a perfect kids adventure book. I love the idea and was totally engrossed with it from the start. You write well and concise well done. Hope you get to read my work and maybe back it.

Interesting and well-written. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"

Wow. There is such a need for great Chldren's books. You have captured the imagination of many, I am sure. Great story.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Barbara,

This is really good. Being new to the site I hadn't noticed that the number one was a children's book. Well done!
Love the interplay between fantasy/dream and reality.
Kevin

This is a charming story, Barbara, backed with pleasure
Vall
Midwyf

I don't think there is anything I can say that hasn't been said. I see why it is sitting so high here.

Good Luck with it.

Have just finished chapter 1 and cant wait to read the rest......................love it....I'm hooked!

Very well written. The dialogue is excellent. I'm interested enough that I would like to read more. Definitely will back this one. The prologue was a little stiff and with maybe an adult reference not suitable for children (the reference to the reason Big Betty was called Big Betty), but it picked up with chapter 1.

Your pitch sounds great! I love the imagination--the pillow, pirates...wonderful ideas. Backed!