Book Jacket

 

rank 1882
word count 14266
date submitted 13.05.2009
date updated 13.10.2009
genres: Chick Lit, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Isis In Crisis

Lisel J

Divinely irreverent comedy. Redundancy can be so tough for an ancient goddess...

 

Isis is a single mum with a secret. She was once the Ancient Egyptian goddess of motherhood.

But times change and redundancy forced her to become a human... of all things. Little inconveniences such as having to earn a living running an up-and-coming Cheshire beauty salon and caring for her all-too-human baby do tend to get in the way of limitless self-indulgence. Being a beautiful ex-divinity does have its benefits, of course, not least the power to enchant men. There’s also the re-kindling of romance with ex-god-ex-husband Osiris, or TV heart-throb Oz Cyrus as he’s now better known.

Unfortunately, Oz’s epically-jealous brother seems to be set on stealing away her baby. And when Isis’s late husband, Dermot, the only mortal she’s ever truly loved, suddenly returns from the dead to be reunited with her, does this Mummy find she’s a bit too yummy for her own good?


[COMPLETED MS at approx 75,000 words - first few chapters only uploaded]

 
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tags

betsy, british, celebrity, comedy, egypt, ghost, god, goddess, paranormal romance, scouse, television, tv, urban fantasy

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148 comments

 

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matjackson wrote 1726 days ago

Lisel,

Fucking nuts! Love it, Lisel, a real work of lunatic mirth...but interspersed with some absolute nuggets - as all excellent comedy should be- of observation and description (sulkily willing his watch to give him good news) and Oh so cutting!

Laugh out loud funny - and one of those rare reads that sticks in your head. Some phrases got me so much I went back and reread, laughing harder each time.

Cannot overstate it - really good work. Excellently written ( no nitpicks or comments on improvement) great story, pace right, dialogue hilarious, characters unbelievably believable...

Not laughed so much for ages!

Backing with excitement... a fine discovery! All the best MAT

Pat Black wrote 1730 days ago

Hi there - this was a riot. And all sorts of potential; I could easily see one of the true-life movie goddesses tripping over themselves to try and land the role of Isis; a chance for them to ugly-down, only for their true beauty to reveal itself here and there. The effect on men is hilarious and this is just the kind of farce that would translate so well to a British TV show. Your descriptions were spot-on, and I loved the snobbery - such a great line about "a perfectly nice, toothy private school girl... how did that chav get past the auditions?" It's clear you've got a lot of skill and spin a tale well. Also, there's the supernatural elements here, too - given that there's now entire sections of bookshops dedicated to "paranormal romance" (whatever that is), then I think you've got so many elements that add up to a winner here, Harper Collins would be insane not to be taking a very serious look at your work. I'll plug this on a thread, entitled "Isay Isay Isay Isis."

All the best

P

John Booth wrote 1747 days ago

This story had me crying with laughter. The whole concept is wonderful and Waitrose is exactly the kind of place an ex goddess would frequent, certainly she'd never be seen in Tesco.

Loved the beauty salon. This is beautifully written and would make a great film. Can't find anything to help you with, I'm afraid. I think all your characters are wonderful.

Shelved, naturally.

John

Jeff Blackmer wrote 1797 days ago

Lisel,
This is priceless. It crackles with attitude, self deprecating humour, sarcasm, wry observations. It's laugh out loud hilarious! Isis is perfect. You've tweaked her mythology perfectly. Her voice is wonderful and I think you've dialed into a combination of genres that works perfectly. Get this published! It's ready!
On my shelf.
Jeff

klouholmes wrote 1358 days ago

Hi Lisel, You did well explaining how Isis lost her powers from the lack of believers. This in the midst of Chapter 2's salon day and all the parallels with the hairstyles, the comment on the Hindu gods, and the body wrap cream is one entertaining read. And well-written. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Ransom Heart wrote 1385 days ago

What a hoot! Thanks for the excellent read. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Word_Hurler wrote 1452 days ago

Oooh, I wanna be an Egyptian goddess who has men scrambling to do "thine bidding"! This is gut-splitting funny! Good stuff!

Case (Revelation)

Barry Wenlock wrote 1501 days ago

Hi Lisel -- Mischievous and cunningly, wickedly beautiful. Backed with divine pleasure, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Burgio wrote 1505 days ago

This is a entertaining read. Thinking of Isis as a former goddress reduced to an everyday person made me like her immediately. Your writing style is sharp and witty. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

scarletjg wrote 1626 days ago

Awesome! I love mythology of most kinds and Egyptian is one of my favorties so it is so cool to see you take these Gods and Godesses and make them have a real human story. Love! Shelving this for sure.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

tpridgen wrote 1631 days ago

Fabulously entertaining! There's not a dry moment there, and I love how you've developed Isis (even though she's crap as a mom). I snorted out loud when she was going to leave Russ in the car when going into the grocery store.

I'd love to read this to the end.

Philip Whiteland wrote 1632 days ago

This is great fun! Well written, humorous and based on a really novel concept. As always, I've read the first two chapters to see if this would be the sort of book that I might take to the cash register if I was in a bookshop and I think I would definitely be making a purchase. I could definitely see this on the large or small screen. Shelved.

samoana75 wrote 1638 days ago

Funny and engaging! Could do with a bit more description of Russ but otherwise a very fun read!

Philip Antony wrote 1648 days ago


I read Ch1 and Ch5.
I was drawn to this by the catchy title.

I like the premise, but didn't find much of what I had expected in the 5 chapters uploaded. Shame; it had promise.

In Ch1, I think 'carve' should be crave.
Also, a 'supermarket layout consultant' is called a Merchandiser. Not a big issue, but does show a lack of research, so I thought I'd mention it to you.

In Ch5, "...when I was [a] kid."

Good fun.
Philip (Death: The Guidebook)

positano wrote 1659 days ago

Been trolling for comedies - loved yours- If you care to check out humor from across the pond, try mine. I hope you like it as much as I did yours! If you laugh it's undeniable. and I did, your book works. good luck

Gavin Marshall wrote 1669 days ago

Although this is far from my usual read, it seems well written and full of fun so I’m going to back it and wish you all the best of luck.

Gavin
(Half a Dozen of the Other)

Lorelli wrote 1686 days ago

Hi Lisel

I love this! Great first person pov - really caught my attention and pulled me into the story. Witty, bold style and action that keeps moving the story forward made me keep on reading.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli (The Man Whisperer)

Hayles wrote 1687 days ago

Completely orginal, which is nice to see these days!
Had me laughing within the paragraphs, great stuff.
Funny lines, will definatly keep reading!!

Richard Maitland wrote 1693 days ago

Rewind: "I guess I'd need to get to know me better" or did you mean "you"? Doh!

Richard

Richard Maitland wrote 1693 days ago

Lisel - Eric Newman (Degree of Exposure) recommended this. I'm so glad he did.

Fun, funny, quirky, clever, and oh so original. I just loved the Dragons' Den parody.
Shelved with the greatest of pleasure.

Raichard Maitland (The Sex Stone of Agassia)
PS: In Ch.4 did you mean Dermot to say "I guess I'd need to get to know me better" or did you mean "me"?

shedscribe wrote 1694 days ago

where do i start? voice. what a voice! you have great style and there's such an intelligent quality to your writing. such a pleasure to read. i'm definitely going back for more.

a couple notes:

It’s strange and funny when she says she’d get rid of this fucking smiley face ketchup. But I almost don’t want the swear word. i don't know why. it's funny that a goddess is swearing - the shit she says later is really funny - but for some strange reason the f word almost seems like too much or something. i don't know. just my initial feeling when i saw it. take it or leave it.

I think it should be “thy bidding” not “thine bidding” i totally could be wrong though.

..."briefest glimpse of my face" – instead of "briefest of glimpse of my face" – you've got an extra "of" in there

i laughed out loud too many places to name but here were a few of my favorites:

your first line.

your second line.

your third... well you get the point.

of course where she was trying to decide whether to take lil russie in the store. brilliant.

Like a beacon in the desserts – lol.

“generous dental endowment.” I mean good god. Where do you come up with this?

and on and on.

may i let you in on a secret? i've found if you take the word "that" out any and everywhere you can (that is anywhere it's not really needed) it makes things flow much smoother. just a lil tip from me to you. shhh. don't tell anyone. ;-)

not that you had a lot of thats - your writing is impeccable - i mean seriously stunning - but these are little things i notice to make a piece even better. i did a pass on my manuscript once with the only purpose of getting rid of as many thats as i could. it helped. you'll be surprised.

k. i've posted a thread on the recommend a manuscript forum for your book. more people need to start reading this. it's just brilliant. i'm looking forward to reading more. and that's pretty unusual for me. thank you!

kelly
(a beautiful disaster)

Lynne wrote 1694 days ago

Oh Lisel, what an imagination you have got. This is soooo funny. I'm just aching with laughing. You asked me to specially look at Demi. Yes, from her first words I guessed she was a Scouser. I know someone exactly like her. "Shite load of problems" truly gave the game away and I just love the phrase "happy finish". I didn't need the synopsis to confirm that fact for me. LOL. You have got her dialogue off to a fine art. This is just a work of art. I can't wait for you to download some more.
Backed
Lynne
Brooklyn Bridge.

Jared wrote 1701 days ago

I don't know how I missed this, but Isis is sheer joy. Hugely entertaining and deserves success.
Jared

karen07814 wrote 1702 days ago

Some people have seriously weird imaginations and write crap. Others have seriously weird imaginations and write some seriously good and funny stuff. Fortunately you fall into the latter group. You also let me know (as if I don't find out enough on here) why it is that I read but don't write!
Excellent, loved it.

Bob Steele wrote 1704 days ago

Isis in Crisis is in a genre that I never normally read, so I have nothing of value to say about narrative or structure, save that from the tone of other reviews it seems to appeal to its target audience and should therefore do well. As to the quality of the writing, I thought it very good, so overall I'm happy to boost this with a turn on my shelf.

Bradpete wrote 1704 days ago

It is time to leave behind Morrissons and abandon Tesco and Asda. Ignore Sainsbury's and Booths and don't even entertain Netto and Aldi (not that I ever did anyway) and head to Waitrose! The nearest one is 10 mile from me but every metre will be one worth crossing if I was to find Isis in there. Even a glimpse - a look at her toe or a peek of her elbow. I, although I am ashamed to say it, would react like Percy. I am a sucker for a beautiful lady never mind a goddess. This opening shines with humour, wit and cheek and I love it. Finding a place on my shelf will not be a problem - others can wait.
Dare I say we share the same wicked sense of humour. You are a people/person watcher with a keen eye for detail. You have a mischieveous sense of humour that is so appealing to the reader - can you see yourself in her shoes? If so, dump your boyfriend, get a divorce! Date me, I beg you my Goddess Lisel!
Backed.
Pete xx

Steve Ward wrote 1705 days ago

Lisel,
Wow, what can I say? This is hilarious! Made my morning. I guess it is tough being a five thousand year old goddess in a supermarket, so sexy that men speak in ancient languages and drool at the sight of a naked hand.If you don't already you should be writing for TV. Every line is just bursting in humor, better than Friends. All the internal talk words right along with all the adult humor. Thanks, that was a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

R.A. Battles wrote 1705 days ago

Lisel,

After providing my lengthy comments earlier this week, I’ve learned there is a sub-genre of fantasy called urban fantasy. Now that I know that, I’ve backed Isis In Crisis.

Rodney

janie wrote 1708 days ago

Hi Lisel, What a great first sentence!. And second. Ok, and third and fourth. This is so bloody funny! Your descriptions - being gang-banged up against a display of hub caps, the route through Feminine Hygiene and Home baking, are just brilliant. I would love to buy this, its a cracking good book, shelved, and thank you, janie.

Jane Alexander wrote 1708 days ago

This is huge fun. Gods Behaving Badly meets chicklit - fabulous. Love the idea of ho(Rus) in a day nursery and on a tray with the pizza!
I must confess that the first chapter didn't work quite so well for me - a bit of a slowburn with the supermarket but once I got into Chapter Two I was away and having a great time. I've read to the end of Chapter Four and only stop as I have to pick up my own child (no fear of men falling to my feet and worshipping sadly) in a bit.
Backed with pleasure.
Jane

Urania wrote 1709 days ago

Hi Lisel, this is a hoot. Love the premise, great MC and great observation. I hope this does really well for you, and hope to see it in the bookshops soon! Shelved with pleasure.

T.L Tyson wrote 1711 days ago

Holy hilarity batman!
I love this.
It was funny, and funny is hard to write, people try to write funny and fail miseribly. Your first lines are pure gold. I couldnt stop reading.
I found nothing to pick apart, and I am highly picky. Nothing turned me off of this read and I had to stop to tell you that it is hilarious and fantastic. You are also adapt at writing believeable dialogue, that is also a huge feat.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-seeking Eleanor

Patricia wrote 1711 days ago

This is absolutely hilarious. As someone with a baby of my own, i can relate to the nappies, and the rest of it is a huge bonus.

Backed, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

Patricia wrote 1711 days ago

This is absolutely hilarious. As someone with a baby of my own, i can relate to the nappies, and the rest of it is a huge bonus.

Backed, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

Patricia wrote 1711 days ago

This is absolutely hilarious. As someone with a baby of my own, i can relate to the nappies, and the rest of it is a huge bonus.

Backed, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

J M Dalhousie wrote 1711 days ago

Completely crackers. Would buy it in an instant if I came across it on the shelves at Waterstones. Am desperate to read more...no nit picks whatsoever. Shelved - and please let me know when you upload more of it.
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir

Freeman wrote 1711 days ago

I like your witty style but did think you were being a bit mean with the comment about ‘frozen ready meals.’

This is clearly chit lit, I am not a chic but I enjoyed every witty thought. If I wasn’t married I might start to wonder about myself. This is brilliant and oh so funny. I have only read the first chapter and would like to read more. I know I’ll get my wife to read it and tell me all about it.

You have a great story here but probably you don’t have the time to read 600 books to climb this crazy tree. If the rest of your book is as good as the first chapter I’m sure it would do well. I hope you can find an agent since it does deserve to get published.

I will back this with great pleasure. Thanks for bringing a big smile to my face.

Tony

Jenni83 wrote 1711 days ago

The synopsis of this sounded fun and it wasn't wrong. The scene in the supermarket was brilliant. Loved it.

Krista Darrach wrote 1711 days ago

Isis In Crisis--
Lisel,
Well this is refreshing... I must say.
There are two funny things....
First - I have a friend named Lisel....(never heard the name before)
Second- Your MC - is exactly like a friend I have - you have nailed her to a Tee. And you've helped me figure it out. Her behavior has always been so odd to me, but no longer- she must be an ancient Goddess!

Excellent writing. The voice is strong and really held my attention. There were some transalation things (being as I'm American). But I really liked this. It was fantastic and it's going on my shelf.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Zeta Pi wrote 1712 days ago

Saw this promoted in the forum and I’m glad I came. Terrific and original premise. The humour in the voice comes through delightfully – love the bit when she briefly considers leaving the baby in the car haha! The only thing I would ask is where is this particular Waitrose? My local is mainly staffed by people nearing retirement rather than fit young men but I digress. You build up well to the effect she has on men – actually, you have it all worked out so well it sounds convincing, which is possibly the most important thing. Shelved.

KW wrote 1712 days ago

“I am a sexual menace.” This is a great line. It’s almost as classic as “Call me Ishmael.” Yes, nappies or diapers or whatever should be beneath a goddess. Frankly, a goddess should never know of one, but what can you do? Having store staff bowing down to you and all the men wanting to park inside your holiest of placcs for a short spell. I mean, it’s tough, but reading your book isn’t. Rather, it a complete pleasure, a simple joy. Shelved my goddess!

alisonbeightol wrote 1712 days ago

This was so much fun!!WOW!!Happy to put it on the ol' shelf!!!

Dale wrote 1712 days ago

This is good and I'm surprised an agent or publisher hasn't already contacted you. I was a bit disappointed by the synopsis for ch 5, not because it wasn't interesting but I was thinking Oz's brother would turn up or at least have Oz and Isis suspicions raised about him. I liked Isis, not too sure about Oz and I hope her workmates/friends have roles in the story when Dermot returns and things get out of hand. Definitely shelved and good luck.

tojo wrote 1712 days ago

Hello Lisel. at last can put the record straight. and come and read your book which is a delight, So glad I did, a real tonic. No nit picks. Lets me say how it is, should be in with the last 5 now easly. backed with pleasure.

Awash wrote 1712 days ago

I laughed throughout the whole first chapter. This is hysterical and everyone should love it. Well done. Definitely shelved.

Amanda
Rescuing Liberty

Sandie Newman wrote 1712 days ago

Lisel this is brilliant, found myself laughing out loud several times, absolutely excellent, shelved.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

InternetG33k wrote 1712 days ago

Hi Lisel,

At some point while poking around the site, I found your book and put it on my WL. I thought I'd take a quick peek at it this morning while drinking my coffee - big mistake! I was through the first chapter before I realized what happened and now my coffee is cold. Nothing jumped out at my for typos and such - my only quibble would be that it seemed the name, "Waitrose" was mentioned more than necessary, but that could just be me. Other than that, welcome to my shelf!

~Traci
Web of Lies

dawnswordfish wrote 1712 days ago

Hi lisel. Loved the 'odd publicity carving', and yes, I've discovered, A flap in the pants really did mean what I thought it did! And the till scene - IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!! I love it! It's going on the shelf 'til I can give it a good seeing to! Cheers, Dawn (Not The Young & Perky...)

ju-ju wrote 1713 days ago

i got lucky and the site worked long enough for me to read chapter one, but now i am getting the error message - grrr! First off this is a great idea, great character and great voice! So it is going on my shelf. I did feel chapter one was a little long, i got the point after Percy, and maybe you should consider tightening it up further (could do with losing 25%, imo). One tense slip when she arrives in the car park and Waitrose could do with being mentioned a couple of times less, but apart from those nitpicks, i loved it.
ju-ju
Xy: A World Without Men

alice price wrote 1713 days ago

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. You have captured the 'mother child' scenario so well, it brings back memories. The first line was enough to get me hooked. I can see this as a film- it would be a sell out! I was so engrossed in the writing didn't really look at punctuation etc.. it seemed to flow ok to me, then I'm no expert. Excellent line about God 'as meaningless to us as it is for most humans these days.' loved it

anthonysaunders wrote 1714 days ago

Lisel, sorry to be slow in getting to your book. And forgive a very quick look at this stage. I like the premise you set out in your pitch and I like the beginning, although, if it were me, I would be inclined to begin with the para ‘To be honest, I was never really into . . .’ although I understand why you start as you do. And raising the posing for carvings sets up a series intriguing questions. Very funny in places but a bit overworked in others. I felt that the later chapters flowed a bit more smoothly than the first one. Nevertheless, the crazy idea you have here is intriguing and entertaining. I’ll back you.

Clipso123 wrote 1717 days ago

I second every word of matjackson's review. I absolutely loved it! Total mad fun. I couldn't stop laughing. Going into Waitrose will never be the same for me again! Most definitely backed!

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

CharlieChuck wrote 1718 days ago

This is one of the funniest reads I've had on this site. It's a very good original plot, but it's your natural writing style that makes it stand out. It's packed with excellent one liners and the odd gem i.e. publicity carving. I loved all the waitrose snobbery and descripitons, especially the toothy checkout girl. This is very good, deserves to go higher and be published.

On my shelf
Charlie

Phil Rowan wrote 1719 days ago

Isis in Crisis is one of the most amusing books I've come across on Authonomy, Lisel. Your pitch is great and your writing is a real pleasure. I think this story is a winner right from your very first sentence - 'I am a sexual menace' and it just goes on to delight the reader with humorous and original happenings. Backed with pleasure and wishing you luck. Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

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