The Tribulation of Thomas

Hi GW!

You've got a knack for combining thrill and intensity with entertainment! This is a very exciting read - your characters are filled with color and the dialogue and storyline you are weaving is utterly captivating! I'm shelving now and will return to read more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Dear G. W. Langdon, I can’t recall another book that has so much to offer. Indeed, you seem not just to be working in several genres, but to have created your own. On top of that, you write with skill, verve, and grace--the fast pace and quick shifts work beautifully to augment the sense of an impending apocalypse.

This is clearly a case of great ambition having the requisite imagination and talent at its disposal.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

The Tribulation of Thomas is a well crafted story that blends sci fi with the 15th century, and successfully evokes the idiom and environment of both genres. This makes it distinctive and therefore attractive to its target audience. Characters are well drawn, dialogue is crisp and natural, and the narrative pace is good with smooth transition from scene to scene. Backed.

You write well and your imagination takes you to places other writers wouldn't go. Not necessarily my scene, but should do well. Some great comments. On my shelf. And if you feel like deliving into a thriller, try BRICKS AND BONES, best of luck, Louise

Dear G. W. Langdon, I can’t recall another book that has so much to offer. Indeed, you seem not just to be working in several genres, but to have created your own. On top of that, you write with skill, verve, and grace--the fast pace and quick shifts work beautifully to augment the sense of an impending apocalypse.

This is clearly a case of great ambition having the requisite imagination and talent at its disposal.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

BACKING because Poppet did and I have always trusted her instincts, which is why she is my longtime friend. She's rather brilliant at finding good reads. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi GW.

You have here a story on a truly epic scale. The small amount of time I was able to give it and the small sample I read were not enough to do it justice but still I will give you my thoughts.

Mostly I was impressed by what I read. There is clear and complex world-building and you ground the reader well within this unfamiliar place. Among the many well-thought out technological terms -reClone, Imagene - etc, the realisation that they are still using 'lead-nosed bullets' came as a bit of a disappointment. Surely they'd have moved on from simple guns?

But the back-stabbing, betrayals, and double-dealings were engrossing and the fight scenes gripping. Despite not having read the opening chapters, I felt that your notes gave me sufficient info to feel a part of your world.

I did see a few nits;
studying the Knight with his innate suspicion'...whose suspicion?
stationed either of the entrance...either *side*.
cruel heart beat beneath...*beating* beneath.
flanked by personal guard...either *guards* or *his* personal guard.
be no trouble on my palace...*in*.
any that question my authority...any *who* question.
Tom, the Knight and the Gofer...I thought the Gofer had been left behind? Also, you need a scene break before this sentence as some time has elapsed.
"And so he should be," the Knight said to Tom. Cut 'the Knight said to Tom' as we know who spoke and who he's replying to.

Nits aside this is a soaring and enthralling piece of work. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Gee Dub-

I was rolling magnificently through chapter one (well, the first real chapter). Great pace and tension, with the authority of an author who seems well acquainted with archery. A 15th century "Predator", if you will.
Then what? I'm at Chapter 6? Space Pirates have snatched him? Where's the stuff in between?

This jarred too heavily. I'd much prefer the interim chapters for a sense of how your story develops. Your first chapter grabbed me, but the four chapter disconnect launched me.

I'll come back if you add in the gaps.

-GM

Hi GW!

You've got a knack for combining thrill and intensity with entertainment! This is a very exciting read - your characters are filled with color and the dialogue and storyline you are weaving is utterly captivating! I'm shelving now and will return to read more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

A very mature piece of work, G.W. I personally preferred the space opera to the early pub scene, though that too had its fine points. I wonder at the precision of dates. Necessary? The action in the later sequences is excellently written, and begins to show the range of the book. At the moment it reads like a herd of wild horses - elegant, full of energy and style but with each individual horse going its own way. That is likely due to the gap between chapters, as well as a complex plot. The pitch too is full of interesting mystery but for all its length, gives little away. This is most definitely my type of book, but I wonder if you might hint at a theme? Shelved, Scott.

Hi Scott,
Your comments are exactly why I am arranging my authonomy "book" into supersets of scenes that shows the "scale and scope" of the story - there are some epic scenes in there (if I may be so immodest to say so) wrt to a theme - it is immortality and following on from yr comment I have added the passage below to the prologue (this is covered in the book in greater epth - the villain Decay is the result of trying to achieve immoratlity
" Pride was the greatest of the Sins, this was true, but it was Man’s underlying quest for immortality that made him crazy for power. Immortality held the great promise of both religion and science. If only man could live forever then all his problems would go away. With endless Time and limitless knowledge to contemplate his lot he could solve all his problems and be – at last – at peace. Or so he thought. Immortality was God’s sole domain and any who dared to venture too close would burn like Icarus and fall from the greatest height into the greatest pit."
I hope to finish adding the key scenes today, but no doubt new ideas will come forth and there will be more tweaking.
will look at yr work when I get a chance - very busy with work at the moment
cheers
gwl

A very mature piece of work, G.W. I personally preferred the space opera to the early pub scene, though that too had its fine points. I wonder at the precision of dates. Necessary? The action in the later sequences is excellently written, and begins to show the range of the book. At the moment it reads like a herd of wild horses - elegant, full of energy and style but with each individual horse going its own way. That is likely due to the gap between chapters, as well as a complex plot. The pitch too is full of interesting mystery but for all its length, gives little away. This is most definitely my type of book, but I wonder if you might hint at a theme? Shelved, Scott.

This is very imaginative and interesting. The plot, characters and writing are shaping up. I can sense you are tying it all together. Needs more polishing, but its potential and message is very wothwhile. Shelved for its promise.

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.

I am in the process of deleting most of the scenes and replacing them with summary and key scenes - so that the reader can get a better idea of the WHOLE story
cheers
gwl

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.

I am in the process of deleting most of the scenes and replacing them with summary and key scenes - so that the reader can get a better idea of the WHOLE story
cheers
gwl

I am entertained and intrigued by this work so far. Putting it on the shelf to come back and indulge in more later!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.

Love it GR and putting it on the shelf right now! Will commnet more later!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

I put in the place by date at start of prologue
and changed "graffitied" to gouged as per yr suggestion
the rest I'm happy with
thanks for your comments
hope u read some more - it takes a few chapters to build (chapt 10 before antagonist appears in "person")
I shall have a look at your work today/2mrw
cheers
gwl

Some comments on your prologue: you give date time but no place. I wondered if 15th century alehouses had dirt floors (?). Graffiti is a modern word, I'd say 'knife gouged' or something like. Also, I've got a continuity problem, reading this. The three strangers/hunters enter & then the action/tension stops for a section of backstory (Bentley - star men, presumably not the 3 hunters just entered the room). Then a mention of Thomas Johnson, cut back to alehouse. The hunters, btw, don't seem to react to the presence of Spooky, except indirectly, via the girl, who says they want to 'kill you'. Cut to an interchange starting 'You are quite mad.. which reads like a collection of non-sequiturs, 'You are quite mad. Death has no hold over me. Do you want to die..etc.' Only one reader's reaction here, but I'm having a problem following what's going on. Is there any way you can go through & make things clearer? Also, I didn't know whose voice is the 'Feel the Chill. Ride the thrill. ' etc. It's modern speech so presumably doesn't belong in this 15th century alehouse scene. Is it Spooky's?
I can see wonderful, big things ahead but it's important to ground your reader in your world/prologue.
Hope some of this helps.

Some comments on your prologue: you give date time but no place. I wondered if 15th century alehouses had dirt floors (?). Graffiti is a modern word, I'd say 'knife gouged' or something like. Also, I've got a continuity problem, reading this. The three strangers/hunters enter & then the action/tension stops for a section of backstory (Bentley - star men, presumably not the 3 hunters just entered the room). Then a mention of Thomas Johnson, cut back to alehouse. The hunters, btw, don't seem to react to the presence of Spooky, except indirectly, via the girl, who says they want to 'kill you'. Cut to an interchange starting 'You are quite mad.. which reads like a collection of non-sequiturs, 'You are quite mad. Death has no hold over me. Do you want to die..etc.' Only one reader's reaction here, but I'm having a problem following what's going on. Is there any way you can go through & make things clearer? Also, I didn't know whose voice is the 'Feel the Chill. Ride the thrill. ' etc. It's modern speech so presumably doesn't belong in this 15th century alehouse scene. Is it Spooky's?
I can see wonderful, big things ahead but it's important to ground your reader in your world/prologue.
Hope some of this helps.

I wouldn't get too excited about getting published as a result of authonomy - it would take a huge effort to get to the top 5. As well, Authonomy can be very time consuming
I think I am best to keep writing and try me luck with agents and publishers
could get lucky here though - but I doubt it
gwl
the tribulation of thomas

I'm getting worried about my own chances of publication with the amount of good sci fi on this site, and your work is (unfortunately!) no disappointment. Your writing is punchy and slick, with no flabby text cluttering it up. The story is told well, and you have a good command of the pace. I particularly like chapter 1, you capture the eerie silence of the wood and haunting glimpses of the alien very well. It reminds me of Predator a little bit. I have found a few nit picks, nothing major though. Feel free to ignore them:

'Go on,' she said (The previous person to speak was Spooky so it would need to be 'said Rachel' or something like that. Or a bit of text between the dialogue, like, 'Rachel looked intrigued. 'Go on.'')

'Get your dirty paws...' (Paws is a bit lame! Hands instead?)

'He didn't know the exactly when...' ('The' can go)

'...when the good was bad and the bad was good.' (Just opinion, but it might sound cool if it read, '...when the good was bad and the bad was worse.' Just an idea)

'...suit assisted, bound...' (move the comma to after bound)

Very intriguing pitch and this is a tense opening. You hook the reader straight away with the exchange between Rachel and Spooky – great name btw. There’s a lot to get to grips with, but you manage to make it comprehendible in the main, and you finish the prologue in the same vein, keeping up the pace. The pace slows somewhat when we reach the first chapter – although this is to be expected. Some very good characterisation and dialogue is well-written although a suggestion: be careful with your tags; sometimes you draw attention away from the words by being too keen to say how things are being said or by using other words than said. Overall I’m keen to know what will happen to Spooky so I’m shelving for a spell.

I'm getting worried about my own chances of publication with the amount of good sci fi on this site, and your work is (unfortunately!) no disappointment. Your writing is punchy and slick, with no flabby text cluttering it up. The story is told well, and you have a good command of the pace. I particularly like chapter 1, you capture the eerie silence of the wood and haunting glimpses of the alien very well. It reminds me of Predator a little bit. I have found a few nit picks, nothing major though. Feel free to ignore them:

'Go on,' she said (The previous person to speak was Spooky so it would need to be 'said Rachel' or something like that. Or a bit of text between the dialogue, like, 'Rachel looked intrigued. 'Go on.'')

'Get your dirty paws...' (Paws is a bit lame! Hands instead?)

'He didn't know the exactly when...' ('The' can go)

'...when the good was bad and the bad was good.' (Just opinion, but it might sound cool if it read, '...when the good was bad and the bad was worse.' Just an idea)

'...suit assisted, bound...' (move the comma to after bound)

Hi G W, well as you already know I love the cover, the pitch is fascinating and I love the first page, especially the description of the fire. when he threw the log on I knew what would happen with the sparks and was wondering how you were going to deal with that and I wasn't disappointed, especially impressed with the suffocating bit. Excellent, well written. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Hi,

Im liking this...unusual for me, noit my thing, but you write with great accuracy and skill.

'Spooky turned towards the hunters and after a short appraisal, christened them Curls, Red, and Stumpy.' Such a clever way to give us an instant picture of incidental characters - I was there in a flash! I know it helps that they are names, but a nice touch I think !

'“You are quite mad,” said Rachael, hesitant between sitting and getting as far away as she could. ' may need a little look - not up to your standards...?

'He didn’t know exactly when it would be, but it was a time when little remained of the sensibilities of today. It was a time when good was bad and bad was good. A time when the law helped the criminals and hindered the victims. A time when it was clever to be dumb and money was made without work. A time of lies. Most of all, it was a time when Man could beget man. When Man possessed power over Life and so saw no need for God. This made the heart of man an easy meal for Satan' What a grim picture you portray of earth in years to come - never get there will we !? ;)

Confident cool writing style that I enjoyed very much, Tried my hardest to fond wayward styles, grammar etc and it's all too tight ! shelf and wishing you all the best , MAT

GW

Enjoyable and gripping... My only complaint is that I cant see Rachael or Spooky...I' have liked Rachael to tuck her long black hair behind her ears, whilst her dark eyes scanned the room, her pink lps curving in a smile...
There's lots of 'telling' but not alot of 'showing'

I need pictures to carry through a story......But as I said I did enjoy this, v ery much actually.

Backed....x

You are dead right Gordon.
I am rewriting the prologue now and will upload in a few hours time (after tea). Steve Ward (below) made the same comment and I think I have fixed up the switching POV problem - in this scene anyway. I am very appreciative of any critical comments as I still have a lot to learn.
yes, I have read in other places the about the redundant tag in dialogue. Insightful comments help me spot these "fundamentals."
I am heartened that you have read 24 chapters.
I will have a look over "Kitten" tomorrow.
btw I am really enjoying authonomy - where else is it possible to interact with so many people from all over the world who have a common interest
thanks again
gwl

Dear G. W.

I am on Chapter 24 at the moment, and enjoying the read. I think this is a competent novel of its type: the broad-spectrum, multi-POV epic. You have really stretched it by starting in a Medieval setting, then expanding to galactic scale.

Because there is so much to comment on, I will restrict my critique to one key problem you have: POV fragmentation. Just because you have chosen a type of story that switches POV regularly does not mean that you are then free to switch whenever the mood strikes you. Quite the contrary. Since you are switching so often, it is critical that you do not make any gratuitous changes. The example that set me off was near the beginning of Ch 24. This chapter is from Tom's POV, then suddenly you drop in a paragraph where the Knight has a thought about Tom. There are all sorts of opinions about POV, but everyone pretty well agrees that head-jumping like that is a no-no.

Which brings me to your Prologue, in which the POV switches back and forth between the waitress and Spooky with no warning, and finally ends up in the head of Jones, whoever he is. Take it from me; editors are looking for a reason to stop reading your book, and a POV mess in the opening pages will kill it for sure.

BTW, you have made a small slip in the following paragraph in Ch 24 which will expose you to the ridicule of Authonomists; ' "Come with me," he summoned.' There's a thread in the Forum section called something like "World's worst sentences" and many of them involve dialogue tags which are so redundant as to be humorous.

I hope you find this useful. I'll keep reading, and let you know if I have any other comments.

Gordon

Dear G. W.

I am on Chapter 24 at the moment, and enjoying the read. I think this is a competent novel of its type: the broad-spectrum, multi-POV epic. You have really stretched it by starting in a Medieval setting, then expanding to galactic scale.

Because there is so much to comment on, I will restrict my critique to one key problem you have: POV fragmentation. Just because you have chosen a type of story that switches POV regularly does not mean that you are then free to switch whenever the mood strikes you. Quite the contrary. Since you are switching so often, it is critical that you do not make any gratuitous changes. The example that set me off was near the beginning of Ch 24. This chapter is from Tom's POV, then suddenly you drop in a paragraph where the Knight has a thought about Tom. There are all sorts of opinions about POV, but everyone pretty well agrees that head-jumping like that is a no-no.

Which brings me to your Prologue, in which the POV switches back and forth between the waitress and Spooky with no warning, and finally ends up in the head of Jones, whoever he is. Take it from me; editors are looking for a reason to stop reading your book, and a POV mess in the opening pages will kill it for sure.

BTW, you have made a small slip in the following paragraph in Ch 24 which will expose you to the ridicule of Authonomists; ' "Come with me," he summoned.' There's a thread in the Forum section called something like "World's worst sentences" and many of them involve dialogue tags which are so redundant as to be humorous.

I hope you find this useful. I'll keep reading, and let you know if I have any other comments.

Gordon

GW
Wow, what a great opening. I can see where Spooky gets his name. Sounds like the book of Revelations is about to burst forth in the final battle. Vengeance is mine, sayeth Spooky. Very exciting edge of chair reading. The only editorial issue I see is point of view POV. You have the POV going back and forth between Rachael and Spooky in the opening. For example:
Rachael glanced around the tables
Spooky wanted to.. .
She wanted to scold him
Spooky fled into the night.
Only one character per scene should be able to see, feel, want, think. . . This allows the reader to climb into one body and become part of the action. Looks like Spooky should keep the POV in the opening scene.
This is a super story and a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi G W

You have a wonderful imagination. I’m not a big sci-fi reader but I found this a good read. Loved the vivid descriptions, it gave a good sense of place. I think you have an intriguing plot and though I’ve only read two chapters, I was intrigued and will read on when I can find the time.

“Do you want to die(?)”

Spooky shook his head(.)

I would put chapter one in a separate section than under the prologue.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Wow, this is quite an epic! I was a bit puzzled by some of the prologue. Set in 15th century England, but your language seems American (I checked your profile and see you're in NZ). I don't think there were any larrikins in England at that time! But this has potential if you tighten up the writing, so on my shelf it goes.

I love the concept of the first war in the stars, and the final war between Heaven and Hell to take place on earth, amongst mortals. This is a dark, captivating read. Shelved.

This is one of the best reads I've had onhere for a long time.
Super stuff, imaginative, well-written, paced perfectly and drags you into itself.
No nit-picks, professional writing.
Shelved with pleasure, well done GW.

The Tribulation of Thomas

Hi GW,

A wide, deep sweep of imaginative effort brings us an interesting and detailed world. This is a Cecil B. De Milne epic of science fiction-fantasy. The creativity here is not in question, the richness of the Universe you explore for us, but there was a problem in it for me. It felt too distant, too contrived in places, the first chapters in 1499 didn't feel rooted in the historical context enough and I found it hard to suspend my disbelief. I wonder where you are in the drafting process of this novel or number two and number three, in my own opinion (and this may not mean much unpublished as I am and as amateur as the rest of us on Authonomy) I wanted to get the know the characters more, I wanted to experience them, particularly their interactions with one another. As an example Spooky was full of philosophy, mad visions, but I didn't get a sense of his humanity, his ordinariness. I am currently reading Iain M Banks Matter and a towering vision of a new universe is created, but the characterisations are real, gritty, complex people, riven by motivations and emotions. Spooky seemed like he had a narrative job to do, which of course he does, but he didn't come across as distinct enough for me to fully emotionally engage in the story.

Unsure how fair it is to compare your work with Iain M Banks, very successful Sci-Fi author, but perhaps it is as it is the readers and publishers of his work you will need to persuade to publish yours. You can definitely write, descriptions smooth, dialogue good, I just wanted more from your characters as people, but this is just one opinion. I would be happy to read further drafts, for sheer imaginative inventiveness and scope you get my backing, what an amazing imagination, thank you for a thought-provoking read.

Best wishes

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

I was sold on the description alone, I have enjoyed the first chapter and will add this to my read list for the weekend

Gripping. Read two chapters and will read more on the weekend. A ripping good read. Impressive piece of work.

Lucky 8.
Bred Flink

Hello GW,
Brilliant. This is not one of my top genres,but I found the story compelling anyway.The pitch , prologue and first two chapters left me with the feeling that this is going to be a gripping story all the way to the last chapter.Well-written with brilliant descriptions and a fascinating concept. Deserves the backing it got.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

G.W.

Intrigueing is my initial reaction to "Thomas". You've obviously been working at this for a while and have managed to paint quite a picture. Through the first 10k or so words, and I plan to read further.

I know that there is a thrilling story hiding in there, but I also think that if you drown the reader with too much description you tire their attention span. Just be careful - re-read your MS and ask yourself if you can change/cut or even alter.

Much respect for choosing such a topic to tackle. The meaning of life is no easy step. Kudos. I will read further and comment soon. Great job!