Book Jacket

 

rank 5847
word count 45678
date submitted 06.06.2009
date updated 17.10.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Tribulation of Thomas

G. W Langdon

Tom Johnson cursed his over-abundance of talent, yet his misery would've been far greater had God revealed why He needed to bless him so.

 

Originating from beyond the stars, an inevitable reckoning comes our way.

To General Ruezk, Thomas is the key to acquiring the services of a protecting, eternal warrior. To Queen Lillia he is the prophesied returned King. To the Knight of the Ream he is destiny. To all righteous mortals, he is the one who stands between salvation and genetic subjugation.

To God, Thomas is the Talisman upon whom the fate of Creation depends.

Set against a theater of interstellar war, and filled with action, plot twists, memorable characters, and fantastic worlds, both real and imagined, The Tribulation of Thomas highlights the twin perils of genetic overreach and placing too much faith in technology to solve the affairs of the heart and mind.

Be entertained and enlightened because there are indeed more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in any philosophy.

NB: Chapters 1-14 match those from the book. Chapter 15(Authonomy) = 20 from book. Chapter 16 = 32, Chapter 17 = 42, Chapter 18 = 49, Chapter 19 = 51, Chapter 20 = 53, and Chapter 21 = 53

prefer to read SF, action, thriller, literary, crime, and fantasy

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

adventure, alienation, android, apocalypse, artificial intelligence, betrayal, clone, creature, decay, empire, enlightenment, fantasy, genecide, genet...

on 2 watchlists

35 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Prologue

 

     “War wages inside every man. The greater his destiny, the more talents at his command, the sterner his trial.”

 

Friday, 31st August, 1498. Bentley, England
 
 “Feel the Chill. Ride the Thrill. Sight the Kill. Taste the Spill.”

“Don’t go talking all mad,” said Rachael, putting the tray on the table and sliding along the bench until opposite Spooky. She leaned closer, scooping her long red hair away from her face and hooking it behind an ear. “People say you’re evil.  Don’t give them more reason to do something about you.”

Spooky watched the alehouse keeper drop an armful of wood onto the hearth then throw two logs from the heap onto the fire. A cloud of smoke puffed out and a shower of sparks shot into the air before landing and suffocating on the dirt floor. He ran his soft hand over the knife-gouged tabletop. He wasn’t a warlock.

Tell them to stand in line,” he said without turning from the fire.

Rachael pouted her full lips. “What line,” she huffed.

He flicked his index finger straight, pointing up to the roof. “They’ve come from the stars and they are here tonight – for me.”

“Get away. Tonight, while you can.”

“Fate brought me to Bentley and Fate keeps me here. I have tried to leave – twice…”

“Go on,” she said.

Spooky glanced around the tables. Fridays nights were usually busy but as long as the midsummer light stayed good the farmers would stay in the fields. Rachael could spare the time. He wrapped his hands around his mug and took a thoughtful sip on the ale.

“By the time I was thirty there wasn’t a town in the north that didn’t know my affliction and pushed me on through. Heading south out of London two years ago, I came to Bentley. Like most towns, it was full of superstitious, God-fearing people. I hardly gave the place a second thought. When my horse threw a shoe crossing the Wey I should have known; should have listened. But with the clatter of London still in my head I missed the sign. Horseshoes come off all the time – just an accident. No reason to suspect Him.”

“Him? You mean…”

“Yes, Him. There were other small signs while I waited for the blacksmith to re-shoe my horse – the way the animals watched, the trees looked like those I’d seen in my visions. But it wasn’t ‘til after the second time that I knew for sure. Thieves came one night while I camped near Alisholt Forest. I had nothing worth taking – except my horse. You see? I am meant to wait in Bentley.”

“I don’t understand. Wait for what?”

Three loud young men shoved their way through the doorway. Their blood-covered clothes gave them away as hunters – not of Bentley but regular enough to call themselves local. Once warmed by the fire, they headed for a nearby table. Dumping down on the benches, their smell and bad manners soon crowded out the already seated drinkers.

“Ale,” a hunter yelled, thumping the table so hard the candle broke free from the blob of wax that had held it upright. The candle rolled across the table and over the edge onto the floor. Like small children the hunters raced to stomp on it with their boots.

Rachael gathered up her tray. “I had better go. I’ll get back when I can.”

“Don’t worry,” said Spooky, seeing the worry on her face. “I have been expecting them.” He gave a small smile and watched her go. Part of him wished he could take her with him, but anything more than routine, rural life would be too much for her delicate mind.

A shiver ran over Spooky, spreading goosebumps up his bare arms. After so many times, he had no need to question the cause. Sneak was nearby. There were spirits here – both good and bad, but Sneak wasn’t of their ilk. Sneak was a star man. His arrival confirmed everything - Bentley was a special place and God had given him a small, but special role to play in a grand and incredibly special play.

Sneak was one of three. The star men wore costumes that hid them from the eyes of people, but for Spooky with the gift to see what others’ could not they were plain enough. Not of this world, yet not from the other side. Shaped like a man, but longer limbed, they were. On rare occasions he’d seen them together, but usually it was just Sneak, the strongest one. Being so bold and sure of his invisibility he would come to town in broad daylight to watch and record local life and occasionally venture inside inhabited dwellings. Sneak was searching for something or someone.

Spooky ignored the tingling sensation on the back of his neck. Tempted to look for Sneak, he instead took a quieting sip. It was by never letting his reactions or emotions slip in the presence of Sneak that he had been able to build a small dossier on this traveler from the stars.

Sneak, came and went in his starlight-bending ship, irregular as though he had appointments elsewhere. Sometimes he would be gone for weeks at a time, other times his visits were only days apart. He never saw Sneak eat or drink, but he did collect many samples of plant and small, alive, animals that would suffice for food. Never did he see Sneak out of uniform. He had no idea what his underlying skin might look like or even the true color of his eyes. Sneak was methodical and careful in manner – perhaps he was a soldier. The weeks and months rolled by their chance encounters became common, especially in and around Alisholt Forest, that it became almost second nature not to notice. It came as a shock when the voice inside him, with whom he kept wise council, said the encounters weren’t accidental. At the time the revelation had sent a chill down his spine, but now everything made sense.

For many weeks he had pondered what it was about the forest that Sneak found so interesting. Unasked for, the answer again came from the voice within. It wasn’t the forest that intrigued star man, but the forest’s gamekeeper -Thomas Johnson.

Rachael arrived from behind and whispered over Spooky’s shoulder. “The hunters say they would be doing the town a favor if they got rid of you.”

“It would give them a reputation as well. Pride has no bounds,” he added.

“Get out while you have a chance,” she pleaded.

“Get out? You would have to drag me away.”

“But they are going to kill you.”

“It is they who are to be killed. There is a play afoot those stupid fools can’t even begin imagine.” Spooky twisted around on the bench to face the hunters. After a short appraisal, he christened them Curls, Red, and Stumpy. He drew a small dagger from under his breast coat and gave them a wink. Having got their dander up, he stabbed the dagger point into the table to make sure they took the bait. If his time on earth was coming to an end he might as well use the occasion to rid Bentley of some of its unwanted vermin.

“You are quite mad,” said Rachael.

“Death has no hold over me.”

“Do you want to die?” she asked, perching down on the corner of the bench.

“My death is part of God’s plan for him.”

“Him? Jesus?”

“Not Him - him. Well, maybe Him too.”

“Who?” said Rachael, confused by Spooky’s cryptic way with words.

“Not the king, but he will be a great king all the same.” Spooky bent forward to share in confidence. “There is going to be a war. The greatest war ever fought.”

“France?” offered Rachael.

Spooky shook his head. “Much bigger.”

“Russia,” she guessed.

“No. The war between Heaven and Hell. Angels against demons.” Spooky laid his hand on Rachael’s delicate wrist as she tried to leave. “Revelations - the final war.” 

“I didn’t think you believed in the bible,” said Rachael.

“Of course I do,” said Spooky. “Just not like most people.”

Red yelled across the room for more beer.

“I had better go,” she said, freeing her arm. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m away.”

Spooky let the present moment slip away until there was no place for the raucous alehouse din in the peaceful silence that filled his mind. The dream took a firmer hold and Spooky’s eyebrows knitted together in focused contemplation. Something wasn’t right. Stars sparkled in his mind’s eye and Spooky cursed himself for being so careless. Of course, there could only be one war for the soul of Man - the Messiah against Satan. But the first Great War was to be fought amongst the stars. Spooky grasped the enormity of the task God had decreed for the man of Alisholt Forest and his heart cried for him. Spooky unconsciously drilled the dagger deeper into the tabletop as the dream took a firmer hold.

Man stood on the cusp of a great Age. Incredible things would come to pass. Machines would come and they would multiply across the lands, bringing noise and stink. A man of reason would see the machines as inevitable; a man of science would say they were advancement. A man of the church would view the soulless machines as proof of Man’s divine creation. But he saw things differently.

He had seen further into the future. Just glimpses – flashes that a logical person might think the onset of madness, or worse, the devil at play. The machines would bring ruin, for a machine had no care for the world. He had seen the billowing chimneys reaching many times higher than the tallest tree. He had seen the parched lands and the rivers running thick with unnatural waters. Machines would bring Mother Earth to her knees.

Rachael deftly unloaded the tray of mugs onto the hunters’ table and fought off the lecherous gropes at her bodice and dress. She tried to leave but a blood-crusted hand dragged her back. She let out a short scream and fell into Curls’ hard lap. Her slaps and shrill protests brought hearty guffaws from the hunters and squirrelly compliance from the alehouse patrons.

Spooky slapped his forehead in anger, his reverie shattered. The hunters needed to be set right. He needed to tell them they were a blight on society – leeches who always took and never gave. Malcontents who sucked the goodwill out of those more civilized upon whose deeds their carefree world depended. Suddenly he felt helpless. What could he do against three, except scowl? If only there were more people like the man of Alisholt. If only more would stand up and resist the decay.

He twisted around.” Barbarians,” he yelled “Get your dirty hands off her.”

The patrons stared in disbelief at Spooky then, as one, they turned to Curls. Curls glared at them and they shied away – going back to their mugs and pretending small talk. The timid amongst them sidled towards the door.

Curls threw Rachael to one side and kicked his chair backwards. He reached up to his full height, fury building on his beaten face. “What did you say, warlock?”

“I said let her go - Curls.”

Curls hesitated. “How do you know my name?”

Spooky smirked. “Know all about you,” he said, playing on his reputation. “Know what you are afraid of.”

Ain’tfraid of nothing.”

 “Afraid of dying. Don’t want to be crow meat.” Spooky taunted Curls with several crow squawks.

Curls almost choked on his rage. He drew his skinning knife and wagged it at Spooky. “We gonna see who is scared of dying.”

“Not here,” snapped Red.

Curls was in no mood to back down. “I’m not taking that talk from the weasel.”

Red grabbed Curls by the sleeve and pulled him down.”Later,” he said, then cuffed Curls around the ear to shut his grumbling.

Concluding the performance over, the patrons went back to their casual gossips about others, moving between the tables or leaning against the Ash roof poles cut from Alisholt Forest and worn smooth over the years by countless backs and shoulders.

Spooky breathed deeply - again and again, deeper and deeper, encouraging the anger to leave and the return of the dream.

Change was inherent in the world, but the heart of man would stay the same. Sin would continue until Man commanded such power the angels trembled. Inexact by nature, the dreams didn’t give dates, but such darkness and decay would be when little of the sensibilities of now remained. It would be a time when good was bad and bad was good. A time when the law helped the unlawful and saw their victims as unfortunate byproduct. A time when it was clever to be dumb and wages could be made without work. A time of deceit and lies.

But most of all, it would be a time when Man could beget man. When Man possessed the power to alter Life and felt no need for God. Pride, the greatest of the Seven Sins, made the heart of man an easy meal for Satan. Immortality was the great promise of both religion and science. If only man could live forever then all his problems would go away. With endless Time and limitless knowledge to contemplate his lot he could solve all his problems and find everlasting peace. But Man was wrong. Immortality was solely God’s domain and those who dared venture too close by any other path were destined to fall into the Pit.

Every time has an end and at the close, Man would beg for God’s forgiveness. Out of Love, He would come, but not before misfortune had wrung every ounce of pride from Man’s wretched heart.

A jab of pain brought Spooky back to the alehouse. In his daze, he’d cut his palm. With unfocused eyes he watched drops of his blood pool around a splatter of wax. Out of the corner of his eye, he glimpsed locals moving to reclaim the table vacated by Curls, Red, and Stumpy. Was he so sure of his calling that he could so easily forfeit the gift of life? Was the wonder of what was to come greater than now? Did a hunch count for more than a chance of love?  Spooky raised up his arms in a long, unhurried stretch. It was time.

Rachael blocked Spooky at the doorway. “Be careful, please” she said, her brown eyes peering up into Spooky’s soft face. “They’re out there.”

“My fate is sealed.”

“Oh, Spooky, what is to become of you?” Rachael looked out into the chill of the night and a tear slid down her cheek. “Good people shouldn’t die young. You deserve a gentler age.”

Spooky pulled a red handkerchief from his coat pocket and wiped away the tear. He placed the handkerchief in her palm and clasped her hand tight. “Pray for my soul.”

With a whoop and holler, Spooky fled into the night, riding the thrill of the adventure to come. He raced along the main street of Bentley, at each corner spreading his arms wide as though they were wings and pretending the need to bank hard against the night air. Into the cemetery he went, leaning one way then the other as he weaved between the headstones. Up the pathway and dipping under the yew tree in the yard, until at last he reached the church door. A single oil lamp fluttered in the rising breeze. Spooky pressed his back to the oak door and between heaving breaths listened for the hunters.

The silhouette of a tall man appeared at the end of the pathway.

Spooky clutched his dagger in a tight fist. “Just the one?” he called out.

Curls crept closer.

Spooky squinted harder and saw the other two. “That’s more like it,” he goaded. He darted a nervous peek up into the quietly swaying yew tree. “It won’t make any difference. We are all going to die – just some sooner than others.”

“You are damn crazy,” squealed Curls, the excitement in his voice rising with the adrenaline in his veins.

Spooky stepped forward, not wanting to leave blood on the church steps. The hunters closed in.

A katana sword flashed in the light of the second full moon of August. The shorter wakizashi sword came next – thrusting hard and straight. Sneak, an expert in using the daishō, set upon the hunters with clinical savagery and consummate skill – natural, but perfected from watching and fighting the best samurai of Shogun Yoshimura.

Spooky backed away from the gruesome sight of the kill until he felt the hard-locked church doors press up against his shoulder blades.

Panicked by the carnage, Curls lunged at Spooky. “What the hell are you?”

Sneak’s katana sword split the back of Curl’s head apart. Blood spurted out Red’s mouth through the gaps left by rotted-out teeth, splattering across Spooky’s startled face. Spooky dry retched at the taste of Curl’s spilt blood.

The blood-covered blades vanished. Immediately, a small dart pricked Spooky in the arm. His eyes rolled upwards and he collapsed forward as the sounds of approaching pandemonium drifted up from the bottom of the path. Sneak threw an invisibility cloak around Spooky and in a single, suit-assisted bound, he returned to the yew tree to enjoy the upcoming sideshow.

The townsfolk braved their way up the path. Armed with their best weapons, their torches swayed and twitched at every windswept noise. Yellow-orange torchlight cast ever-changing, spectral, shadows across the murder scene - Red cut in two, Stumpy disemboweled, and Curls near-cleavered through. The townsfolk desperately searched for Spooky’s remains. Only over his dead body could the town’s curse be broken.

A fearful voice spoke up. “I seen what happened.”

Jones pushed his pitchfork in Blighty’s direction. “Seen what,” he snapped. “What did you see?”

“The demon…Spooky” stammered Blighty. “He used swords of fire. Then he disappeared – right before my eyes. Just gone.”

“Rubbish,” rebuffed Jones.

“It’s true,” protested Blighty, backing away from Jones’ stabbing pitchfork.

“He’s still here, I tell you.”

Jones searched feverishly, even checking the church doors until overcome with frustration. He faced the crowd and his head slumped. “Then the curse remains,” he puffed. “And more young men will die.”

Betsy McGuire crossed herself. “Oh, Lord, who will deliver us from this evil?”

 

©

 

CHAPTER ONe

 

Saturday June 15th 1499. Alisholt Forest, Bentley, England.
 
Tom parted the branches for a better view. After weeks of tracking and many near misses he finally had the quarry in sight. Killing came harder these days, but it went with the job. As principal gamekeeper of Alisholt Forest, it was his responsibility to control the pests. These feral pigs were that – and some. They wrecked crops rooting for food and on the palest spring nights the big boars went after newborn lambs.

The pigs lay in the comforting shade; their bellies full after a dawn foray. Occasional heaves of the chest, a snuffle, an ear twitch or a tail flick to ward off a fly were the only signs of any bother. The 250-pound boar that ruled over the group, and which had maimed several of the town’s best hunting dogs, slept in the shadows. Half obscured by bracken, its long white tusks marked it out as the one to die.

Tom rummaged through his quiver of homemade arrows. Many of the tips he’d deliberately hammered wide to cut the most flesh and cause the greatest loss of blood. But he wanted a heavy, narrow, tip - like those used to penetrate a soldier’s armor. Out of three possible arrows, he settled on the one with the longest shaft for the hardest hit. A quick shrug of the shoulders and the quiver nestled back into place.

Tom scrunched the soles of his leather boots into the rough bark of the big oak and pushed a knee against the stem, forming a sturdy brace for the forty-yard shot. Carefully, he  drew the bow back until the arrow’s feather guides touched his right cheek. A slight side wind caressed his other cheek and after sighting the boar down the shaft he moved the arrow tip a fraction to the left.

A swirl of heat-charged air danced through the carpet of dead leaves littering the forest floor. The boar grunted awake and gave a cautious sniff.

After a long, calming, inhale, Tom held ready to fire. Ever so slowly, he moved the arrow tip further to his left, to where an outline of branches and leaves appeared unnatural. He kept his aim, trying to make sense of what he couldn’t see.

The cagey boar gave another grunt and sat up on its haunches. Tom shifted his attention back to the animal and after a second’s aim he unleashed the arrow. The arrow zipped through the bracken true to aim and, if not for a late deflection, would have speared deep into the boar’s neck. Instead, it thudded into heavily muscled, thick-boned shoulder. Wild with pain, the boar spun around, gouging at anything it made contact with. Another arrow sliced into its rump.

In quick, fluid movements, Tom knocked over two prime-eating pigs before the rest, squealing in confused terror, fled into the undergrowth.

 The boar, bleeding and puffing hard, backed further into the stand of bracken. Tom slipped on his leather gloves and approached with soft steps. The boar was a killer and would be more dangerous now that it was cornered and wounded. He swept his hand across his hip, feeling for the handle of his hunting knife. With the long blade, he cleared the first tangle of bracken to entice the boar to meet the threat. The boar bolted upright and charged headlong. Tom grabbed a tusk for leverage and used the boar’s rushing weight to stick the knife deep into its throat.

Tom made his way home carrying the boar’s head in one hand and the trussed and gutted eating pigs on either end of the staff across his shoulder. After skirting his way along the edge of the forest, he paused in the open to wipe the sweat from his brow and settle himself. Something in the woods nagged at his sense of natural order.

He looked back, straining his eyes through the heat haze radiating up from the over-baked ground. Near the woods, where he had not long ago walked, he spotted movement. No wind, he thought. But for a second or two, starved stalks of wheat wavered. His intuitive sense of danger jarred clear and hard, demanding every other sense awake.

The eating pigs hit the ground with a sloppy deadweight. Tom headed back for a closer look. The trampled wheat leading into the woods meant only one thing - trouble. He knew the tracks of all the woodland animals and none would have left such a trail. The cleanly broken stalks suggested the weight of a man – a big man. A poacher, he frowned.

Tom loaded a thin-shafted, long-range arrow and approached to within fifty yards of the woods – outside ambush range. He peered up into the branches, nervously rolling a wheat stalk between his teeth. The trees were giving up early this year, he thought, as yellowed, drought-stricken leaves let go and fluttered to the ground. His gut never lied; someone was hiding up in there. Tom racked his brain. Who, other than himself, could use the trees so well? Why were the woods so quiet?

He habitually checked for his knife and edged closer, daring the poacher to make a move. He watched and waited. Nothing. Tom spat the wheat stalk out. Turning to go, he saw the bed of leaves around the bottom of a tree compress as though squashed by an invisible weight. In an instant he let loose an arrow, hitting the tree trunk next to where he’d seen the strangeness. From out of the shadows and for the barest moment of time, two red eyes flashed back at him. Tom drew his knife.

At the edge of the forest Tom knelt next to the tree and examined the crushed leaves. The feeling of being watched was all over him. He lifted his head and skimmed the area for clues. Six feet away, he noticed a small circle of disturbed leaves. Then another - ten feet further on. An unlikely connection came to him. Footprints. Used to picking out animals camouflaged by their surroundings, he scanned the trees for a sign of the demon. A bead of sweat trickled off his temple.

On a branch, high up and to his right, Tom made out a crouching, near invisible outline. “I see you,” he murmured.

Tom sheathed his knife and looked back towards the wheat field to deceive the demon. Casually, he tensioned an arrow against the bowstring. In a single action he drew the bow, spun, and fired. The arrow twanged into hard beech wood.

 From nearby, a chilling, mocking laugh rumbled through the branches. Tom loaded another arrow and cocked his head to better pinpoint the direction. From further away, the laugh came again, before echoing away to an eerie silence. The delicate hairs on the nape of Tom’s neck tickled as he contemplated the improbable, alien nature of a forest without birdsong.

©

 

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Kim Jewell wrote 1345 days ago

Hi GW!

You've got a knack for combining thrill and intensity with entertainment! This is a very exciting read - your characters are filled with color and the dialogue and storyline you are weaving is utterly captivating! I'm shelving now and will return to read more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 1316 days ago

Dear G. W. Langdon, I can’t recall another book that has so much to offer. Indeed, you seem not just to be working in several genres, but to have created your own. On top of that, you write with skill, verve, and grace--the fast pace and quick shifts work beautifully to augment the sense of an impending apocalypse.

This is clearly a case of great ambition having the requisite imagination and talent at its disposal.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Bob Steele wrote 1296 days ago

The Tribulation of Thomas is a well crafted story that blends sci fi with the 15th century, and successfully evokes the idiom and environment of both genres. This makes it distinctive and therefore attractive to its target audience. Characters are well drawn, dialogue is crisp and natural, and the narrative pace is good with smooth transition from scene to scene. Backed.

Louise H. Pennington wrote 1314 days ago

You write well and your imagination takes you to places other writers wouldn't go. Not necessarily my scene, but should do well. Some great comments. On my shelf. And if you feel like deliving into a thriller, try BRICKS AND BONES, best of luck, Louise

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 1316 days ago

Dear G. W. Langdon, I can’t recall another book that has so much to offer. Indeed, you seem not just to be working in several genres, but to have created your own. On top of that, you write with skill, verve, and grace--the fast pace and quick shifts work beautifully to augment the sense of an impending apocalypse.

This is clearly a case of great ambition having the requisite imagination and talent at its disposal.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

soutexmex wrote 1317 days ago

BACKING because Poppet did and I have always trusted her instincts, which is why she is my longtime friend. She's rather brilliant at finding good reads. Those pitches look perfect as well. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Cas P wrote 1336 days ago

Hi GW.

You have here a story on a truly epic scale. The small amount of time I was able to give it and the small sample I read were not enough to do it justice but still I will give you my thoughts.

Mostly I was impressed by what I read. There is clear and complex world-building and you ground the reader well within this unfamiliar place. Among the many well-thought out technological terms -reClone, Imagene - etc, the realisation that they are still using 'lead-nosed bullets' came as a bit of a disappointment. Surely they'd have moved on from simple guns?

But the back-stabbing, betrayals, and double-dealings were engrossing and the fight scenes gripping. Despite not having read the opening chapters, I felt that your notes gave me sufficient info to feel a part of your world.

I did see a few nits;
studying the Knight with his innate suspicion'...whose suspicion?
stationed either of the entrance...either *side*.
cruel heart beat beneath...*beating* beneath.
flanked by personal guard...either *guards* or *his* personal guard.
be no trouble on my palace...*in*.
any that question my authority...any *who* question.
Tom, the Knight and the Gofer...I thought the Gofer had been left behind? Also, you need a scene break before this sentence as some time has elapsed.
"And so he should be," the Knight said to Tom. Cut 'the Knight said to Tom' as we know who spoke and who he's replying to.

Nits aside this is a soaring and enthralling piece of work. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

GeekMaiella wrote 1340 days ago

Gee Dub-

I was rolling magnificently through chapter one (well, the first real chapter). Great pace and tension, with the authority of an author who seems well acquainted with archery. A 15th century "Predator", if you will.
Then what? I'm at Chapter 6? Space Pirates have snatched him? Where's the stuff in between?

This jarred too heavily. I'd much prefer the interim chapters for a sense of how your story develops. Your first chapter grabbed me, but the four chapter disconnect launched me.

I'll come back if you add in the gaps.

-GM

Kim Jewell wrote 1345 days ago

Hi GW!

You've got a knack for combining thrill and intensity with entertainment! This is a very exciting read - your characters are filled with color and the dialogue and storyline you are weaving is utterly captivating! I'm shelving now and will return to read more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Apostle wrote 1348 days ago

A very mature piece of work, G.W. I personally preferred the space opera to the early pub scene, though that too had its fine points. I wonder at the precision of dates. Necessary? The action in the later sequences is excellently written, and begins to show the range of the book. At the moment it reads like a herd of wild horses - elegant, full of energy and style but with each individual horse going its own way. That is likely due to the gap between chapters, as well as a complex plot. The pitch too is full of interesting mystery but for all its length, gives little away. This is most definitely my type of book, but I wonder if you might hint at a theme? Shelved, Scott.



Hi Scott,
Your comments are exactly why I am arranging my authonomy "book" into supersets of scenes that shows the "scale and scope" of the story - there are some epic scenes in there (if I may be so immodest to say so) wrt to a theme - it is immortality and following on from yr comment I have added the passage below to the prologue (this is covered in the book in greater epth - the villain Decay is the result of trying to achieve immoratlity
" Pride was the greatest of the Sins, this was true, but it was Man’s underlying quest for immortality that made him crazy for power. Immortality held the great promise of both religion and science. If only man could live forever then all his problems would go away. With endless Time and limitless knowledge to contemplate his lot he could solve all his problems and be – at last – at peace. Or so he thought. Immortality was God’s sole domain and any who dared to venture too close would burn like Icarus and fall from the greatest height into the greatest pit."
I hope to finish adding the key scenes today, but no doubt new ideas will come forth and there will be more tweaking.
will look at yr work when I get a chance - very busy with work at the moment
cheers
gwl

scottkenny wrote 1348 days ago

A very mature piece of work, G.W. I personally preferred the space opera to the early pub scene, though that too had its fine points. I wonder at the precision of dates. Necessary? The action in the later sequences is excellently written, and begins to show the range of the book. At the moment it reads like a herd of wild horses - elegant, full of energy and style but with each individual horse going its own way. That is likely due to the gap between chapters, as well as a complex plot. The pitch too is full of interesting mystery but for all its length, gives little away. This is most definitely my type of book, but I wonder if you might hint at a theme? Shelved, Scott.

setondan wrote 1350 days ago

This is very imaginative and interesting. The plot, characters and writing are shaping up. I can sense you are tying it all together. Needs more polishing, but its potential and message is very wothwhile. Shelved for its promise.

Apostle wrote 1353 days ago

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.



I am in the process of deleting most of the scenes and replacing them with summary and key scenes - so that the reader can get a better idea of the WHOLE story
cheers
gwl

Apostle wrote 1354 days ago

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.



I am in the process of deleting most of the scenes and replacing them with summary and key scenes - so that the reader can get a better idea of the WHOLE story
cheers
gwl

TheLoriC wrote 1355 days ago

I am entertained and intrigued by this work so far. Putting it on the shelf to come back and indulge in more later!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

KJKron wrote 1355 days ago

OK, I got into the first chapter and was curious - what happened to Tom? The only clarification I wanted was his age. Taking her to church for five years - youngest of seven - a possible horse. Hmmm, I had to read more. But then I'm on a space ship 250 years in the future during a possible mutiny. And then there's the question - did the federation see a hoax or did the alien really kill everyone? You really have weaved some interesting mysteries here - and I have no idea how these stories connect. The first two are label 5 and 6, so am I starting in the middle of something? Doesn't matter. You've hooked me. I want to read more. Shelved.

Simon Swift wrote 1355 days ago

Love it GR and putting it on the shelf right now! Will commnet more later!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Apostle wrote 1358 days ago

I put in the place by date at start of prologue
and changed "graffitied" to gouged as per yr suggestion
the rest I'm happy with
thanks for your comments
hope u read some more - it takes a few chapters to build (chapt 10 before antagonist appears in "person")
I shall have a look at your work today/2mrw
cheers
gwl

Some comments on your prologue: you give date time but no place. I wondered if 15th century alehouses had dirt floors (?). Graffiti is a modern word, I'd say 'knife gouged' or something like. Also, I've got a continuity problem, reading this. The three strangers/hunters enter & then the action/tension stops for a section of backstory (Bentley - star men, presumably not the 3 hunters just entered the room). Then a mention of Thomas Johnson, cut back to alehouse. The hunters, btw, don't seem to react to the presence of Spooky, except indirectly, via the girl, who says they want to 'kill you'. Cut to an interchange starting 'You are quite mad.. which reads like a collection of non-sequiturs, 'You are quite mad. Death has no hold over me. Do you want to die..etc.' Only one reader's reaction here, but I'm having a problem following what's going on. Is there any way you can go through & make things clearer? Also, I didn't know whose voice is the 'Feel the Chill. Ride the thrill. ' etc. It's modern speech so presumably doesn't belong in this 15th century alehouse scene. Is it Spooky's?
I can see wonderful, big things ahead but it's important to ground your reader in your world/prologue.
Hope some of this helps.

zenup wrote 1358 days ago

Some comments on your prologue: you give date time but no place. I wondered if 15th century alehouses had dirt floors (?). Graffiti is a modern word, I'd say 'knife gouged' or something like. Also, I've got a continuity problem, reading this. The three strangers/hunters enter & then the action/tension stops for a section of backstory (Bentley - star men, presumably not the 3 hunters just entered the room). Then a mention of Thomas Johnson, cut back to alehouse. The hunters, btw, don't seem to react to the presence of Spooky, except indirectly, via the girl, who says they want to 'kill you'. Cut to an interchange starting 'You are quite mad.. which reads like a collection of non-sequiturs, 'You are quite mad. Death has no hold over me. Do you want to die..etc.' Only one reader's reaction here, but I'm having a problem following what's going on. Is there any way you can go through & make things clearer? Also, I didn't know whose voice is the 'Feel the Chill. Ride the thrill. ' etc. It's modern speech so presumably doesn't belong in this 15th century alehouse scene. Is it Spooky's?
I can see wonderful, big things ahead but it's important to ground your reader in your world/prologue.
Hope some of this helps.

Apostle wrote 1359 days ago

I wouldn't get too excited about getting published as a result of authonomy - it would take a huge effort to get to the top 5. As well, Authonomy can be very time consuming
I think I am best to keep writing and try me luck with agents and publishers
could get lucky here though - but I doubt it
gwl
the tribulation of thomas

I'm getting worried about my own chances of publication with the amount of good sci fi on this site, and your work is (unfortunately!) no disappointment. Your writing is punchy and slick, with no flabby text cluttering it up. The story is told well, and you have a good command of the pace. I particularly like chapter 1, you capture the eerie silence of the wood and haunting glimpses of the alien very well. It reminds me of Predator a little bit. I have found a few nit picks, nothing major though. Feel free to ignore them:

'Go on,' she said (The previous person to speak was Spooky so it would need to be 'said Rachel' or something like that. Or a bit of text between the dialogue, like, 'Rachel looked intrigued. 'Go on.'')

'Get your dirty paws...' (Paws is a bit lame! Hands instead?)

'He didn't know the exactly when...' ('The' can go)

'...when the good was bad and the bad was good.' (Just opinion, but it might sound cool if it read, '...when the good was bad and the bad was worse.' Just an idea)

'...suit assisted, bound...' (move the comma to after bound)

Zeta Pi wrote 1360 days ago

Very intriguing pitch and this is a tense opening. You hook the reader straight away with the exchange between Rachel and Spooky – great name btw. There’s a lot to get to grips with, but you manage to make it comprehendible in the main, and you finish the prologue in the same vein, keeping up the pace. The pace slows somewhat when we reach the first chapter – although this is to be expected. Some very good characterisation and dialogue is well-written although a suggestion: be careful with your tags; sometimes you draw attention away from the words by being too keen to say how things are being said or by using other words than said. Overall I’m keen to know what will happen to Spooky so I’m shelving for a spell.

andyroo wrote 1363 days ago

I'm getting worried about my own chances of publication with the amount of good sci fi on this site, and your work is (unfortunately!) no disappointment. Your writing is punchy and slick, with no flabby text cluttering it up. The story is told well, and you have a good command of the pace. I particularly like chapter 1, you capture the eerie silence of the wood and haunting glimpses of the alien very well. It reminds me of Predator a little bit. I have found a few nit picks, nothing major though. Feel free to ignore them:

'Go on,' she said (The previous person to speak was Spooky so it would need to be 'said Rachel' or something like that. Or a bit of text between the dialogue, like, 'Rachel looked intrigued. 'Go on.'')

'Get your dirty paws...' (Paws is a bit lame! Hands instead?)

'He didn't know the exactly when...' ('The' can go)

'...when the good was bad and the bad was good.' (Just opinion, but it might sound cool if it read, '...when the good was bad and the bad was worse.' Just an idea)

'...suit assisted, bound...' (move the comma to after bound)

Sandie Newman wrote 1363 days ago

Hi G W, well as you already know I love the cover, the pitch is fascinating and I love the first page, especially the description of the fire. when he threw the log on I knew what would happen with the sparks and was wondering how you were going to deal with that and I wasn't disappointed, especially impressed with the suffocating bit. Excellent, well written. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

matjackson wrote 1365 days ago

Hi,

Im liking this...unusual for me, noit my thing, but you write with great accuracy and skill.

'Spooky turned towards the hunters and after a short appraisal, christened them Curls, Red, and Stumpy.' Such a clever way to give us an instant picture of incidental characters - I was there in a flash! I know it helps that they are names, but a nice touch I think !

'“You are quite mad,” said Rachael, hesitant between sitting and getting as far away as she could. ' may need a little look - not up to your standards...?

'He didn’t know exactly when it would be, but it was a time when little remained of the sensibilities of today. It was a time when good was bad and bad was good. A time when the law helped the criminals and hindered the victims. A time when it was clever to be dumb and money was made without work. A time of lies. Most of all, it was a time when Man could beget man. When Man possessed power over Life and so saw no need for God. This made the heart of man an easy meal for Satan' What a grim picture you portray of earth in years to come - never get there will we !? ;)

Confident cool writing style that I enjoyed very much, Tried my hardest to fond wayward styles, grammar etc and it's all too tight ! shelf and wishing you all the best , MAT

paxie wrote 1365 days ago

GW

Enjoyable and gripping... My only complaint is that I cant see Rachael or Spooky...I' have liked Rachael to tuck her long black hair behind her ears, whilst her dark eyes scanned the room, her pink lps curving in a smile...
There's lots of 'telling' but not alot of 'showing'

I need pictures to carry through a story......But as I said I did enjoy this, v ery much actually.

Backed....x

Apostle wrote 1366 days ago

You are dead right Gordon.
I am rewriting the prologue now and will upload in a few hours time (after tea). Steve Ward (below) made the same comment and I think I have fixed up the switching POV problem - in this scene anyway. I am very appreciative of any critical comments as I still have a lot to learn.
yes, I have read in other places the about the redundant tag in dialogue. Insightful comments help me spot these "fundamentals."
I am heartened that you have read 24 chapters.
I will have a look over "Kitten" tomorrow.
btw I am really enjoying authonomy - where else is it possible to interact with so many people from all over the world who have a common interest
thanks again
gwl

Dear G. W.

I am on Chapter 24 at the moment, and enjoying the read. I think this is a competent novel of its type: the broad-spectrum, multi-POV epic. You have really stretched it by starting in a Medieval setting, then expanding to galactic scale.

Because there is so much to comment on, I will restrict my critique to one key problem you have: POV fragmentation. Just because you have chosen a type of story that switches POV regularly does not mean that you are then free to switch whenever the mood strikes you. Quite the contrary. Since you are switching so often, it is critical that you do not make any gratuitous changes. The example that set me off was near the beginning of Ch 24. This chapter is from Tom's POV, then suddenly you drop in a paragraph where the Knight has a thought about Tom. There are all sorts of opinions about POV, but everyone pretty well agrees that head-jumping like that is a no-no.

Which brings me to your Prologue, in which the POV switches back and forth between the waitress and Spooky with no warning, and finally ends up in the head of Jones, whoever he is. Take it from me; editors are looking for a reason to stop reading your book, and a POV mess in the opening pages will kill it for sure.

BTW, you have made a small slip in the following paragraph in Ch 24 which will expose you to the ridicule of Authonomists; ' "Come with me," he summoned.' There's a thread in the Forum section called something like "World's worst sentences" and many of them involve dialogue tags which are so redundant as to be humorous.

I hope you find this useful. I'll keep reading, and let you know if I have any other comments.

Gordon

Gordon Long wrote 1366 days ago

Dear G. W.

I am on Chapter 24 at the moment, and enjoying the read. I think this is a competent novel of its type: the broad-spectrum, multi-POV epic. You have really stretched it by starting in a Medieval setting, then expanding to galactic scale.

Because there is so much to comment on, I will restrict my critique to one key problem you have: POV fragmentation. Just because you have chosen a type of story that switches POV regularly does not mean that you are then free to switch whenever the mood strikes you. Quite the contrary. Since you are switching so often, it is critical that you do not make any gratuitous changes. The example that set me off was near the beginning of Ch 24. This chapter is from Tom's POV, then suddenly you drop in a paragraph where the Knight has a thought about Tom. There are all sorts of opinions about POV, but everyone pretty well agrees that head-jumping like that is a no-no.

Which brings me to your Prologue, in which the POV switches back and forth between the waitress and Spooky with no warning, and finally ends up in the head of Jones, whoever he is. Take it from me; editors are looking for a reason to stop reading your book, and a POV mess in the opening pages will kill it for sure.

BTW, you have made a small slip in the following paragraph in Ch 24 which will expose you to the ridicule of Authonomists; ' "Come with me," he summoned.' There's a thread in the Forum section called something like "World's worst sentences" and many of them involve dialogue tags which are so redundant as to be humorous.

I hope you find this useful. I'll keep reading, and let you know if I have any other comments.

Gordon

Steve Ward wrote 1366 days ago

GW
Wow, what a great opening. I can see where Spooky gets his name. Sounds like the book of Revelations is about to burst forth in the final battle. Vengeance is mine, sayeth Spooky. Very exciting edge of chair reading. The only editorial issue I see is point of view POV. You have the POV going back and forth between Rachael and Spooky in the opening. For example:
Rachael glanced around the tables
Spooky wanted to.. .
She wanted to scold him
Spooky fled into the night.
Only one character per scene should be able to see, feel, want, think. . . This allows the reader to climb into one body and become part of the action. Looks like Spooky should keep the POV in the opening scene.
This is a super story and a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Alecia Stone wrote 1367 days ago

Hi G W

You have a wonderful imagination. I’m not a big sci-fi reader but I found this a good read. Loved the vivid descriptions, it gave a good sense of place. I think you have an intriguing plot and though I’ve only read two chapters, I was intrigued and will read on when I can find the time.

“Do you want to die(?)”

Spooky shook his head(.)

I would put chapter one in a separate section than under the prologue.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Keefieboy wrote 1367 days ago

Wow, this is quite an epic! I was a bit puzzled by some of the prologue. Set in 15th century England, but your language seems American (I checked your profile and see you're in NZ). I don't think there were any larrikins in England at that time! But this has potential if you tighten up the writing, so on my shelf it goes.

JohnRL1029 wrote 1367 days ago

I love the concept of the first war in the stars, and the final war between Heaven and Hell to take place on earth, amongst mortals. This is a dark, captivating read. Shelved.

Fred Le Grand wrote 1368 days ago

This is one of the best reads I've had onhere for a long time.
Super stuff, imaginative, well-written, paced perfectly and drags you into itself.
No nit-picks, professional writing.
Shelved with pleasure, well done GW.

Andrew W. wrote 1368 days ago

The Tribulation of Thomas

Hi GW,

A wide, deep sweep of imaginative effort brings us an interesting and detailed world. This is a Cecil B. De Milne epic of science fiction-fantasy. The creativity here is not in question, the richness of the Universe you explore for us, but there was a problem in it for me. It felt too distant, too contrived in places, the first chapters in 1499 didn't feel rooted in the historical context enough and I found it hard to suspend my disbelief. I wonder where you are in the drafting process of this novel or number two and number three, in my own opinion (and this may not mean much unpublished as I am and as amateur as the rest of us on Authonomy) I wanted to get the know the characters more, I wanted to experience them, particularly their interactions with one another. As an example Spooky was full of philosophy, mad visions, but I didn't get a sense of his humanity, his ordinariness. I am currently reading Iain M Banks Matter and a towering vision of a new universe is created, but the characterisations are real, gritty, complex people, riven by motivations and emotions. Spooky seemed like he had a narrative job to do, which of course he does, but he didn't come across as distinct enough for me to fully emotionally engage in the story.

Unsure how fair it is to compare your work with Iain M Banks, very successful Sci-Fi author, but perhaps it is as it is the readers and publishers of his work you will need to persuade to publish yours. You can definitely write, descriptions smooth, dialogue good, I just wanted more from your characters as people, but this is just one opinion. I would be happy to read further drafts, for sheer imaginative inventiveness and scope you get my backing, what an amazing imagination, thank you for a thought-provoking read.

Best wishes

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Sequoia wrote 1370 days ago

I was sold on the description alone, I have enjoyed the first chapter and will add this to my read list for the weekend

bred flink wrote 1373 days ago

Gripping. Read two chapters and will read more on the weekend. A ripping good read. Impressive piece of work.

Lucky 8.
Bred Flink

JANVIER wrote 1374 days ago

Hello GW,
Brilliant. This is not one of my top genres,but I found the story compelling anyway.The pitch , prologue and first two chapters left me with the feeling that this is going to be a gripping story all the way to the last chapter.Well-written with brilliant descriptions and a fascinating concept. Deserves the backing it got.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

redrocket63 wrote 1423 days ago

G.W.

Intrigueing is my initial reaction to "Thomas". You've obviously been working at this for a while and have managed to paint quite a picture. Through the first 10k or so words, and I plan to read further.

I know that there is a thrilling story hiding in there, but I also think that if you drown the reader with too much description you tire their attention span. Just be careful - re-read your MS and ask yourself if you can change/cut or even alter.

Much respect for choosing such a topic to tackle. The meaning of life is no easy step. Kudos. I will read further and comment soon. Great job!

1