Welsh, Not

Hi Reg! This is a gripping story that is surprisingly fast-paced given that almost everything is either IN DOUBT or a FLASHBACK! I love Sion's voice, which is wonderfully rendered -- it didn't take me more than a couple paragraphs (and they're short paragraphs) to have a feel for him: bright but uneducated, introspective but absolutely soaked in received wisdom, violent but fair-minded -- and now honestly searching for truth but so tangled up in the winding-sheet of medication and the painful complexity of the past that it's going to be a long, hard slog for him to get anywhere. And he thinks he knows the Mab Darogan personally? Now, THAT is a kicker right in the beginning that's going to take some explaining -- but you make it clear that we're going to get those explanations (and we start to get some hints that there's something more to this than a florid psychotic episode when Nia starts pressing mom about the artefacts).

I have no nitpicks for you. I didn't feel kicked out of the story once. It's told episodically, but each of these episodes has a both a kick and a hook at the end of it, and this keeps the tension and the momentum high. Not to mention the overall BIG question -- why is Sion institutionalized? Did he DO something, or did something in his mind just snap? I am disturbed by his lighter being next to Bethan's house. Did he drop it, and did the older kids then appropriate it? I hope so. YES, Sion has impulse control "issues" sometimes, but he seems like basically a good kid (even if his entertainments run to the rough...and pretty mean sometimes too, as with his and Fitz's taunting of the old women).

You give some contextualizing of Welsh political resentment that helps explain why feelings run so high. You obviously already know that the "Welsh Not" sign is particularly sickening and heartbreaking given that you've taken it for your title!

A quick note about the phonetic explanation of Sion -- I think it's a good idea. Heh heh, all right, Paddy may be quite correct that Brits already know the drill, but most Americans won't. I have a friend named Siobhan who is frequently called See-O-bin. And I probably would have guessed more "shawn" than "shorn" for Sion myself! And there would be, I think, a sizable American market for this, so it's kind of you to keep us in the loop ;-) .

So -- well done, and I guess I don't have anything else to add! OH WAIT! One thing. "Jenny Jones" -- to Americans, this will inevitably bring to mind that television creature -- I'm not sure whether you want this resonance or not. All right, anyway, I see very clearly why this is doing so well, and I think it should do even better! And as soon as I finish typing, I will give you a quick vote to add to your many, and best of luck!!!

This is really good, Reg. I have just read four chapters without noticing the time pass, and without finding very much that jars. The first person narrator voice is so well done I can hear it. The character of Sion engages me as one of those kids I have often seen outside the Head's door knowing that they are going to end up in an institution and there's nothing I or anyone else at school can do about it.
I would like to know what Jenny's role is -prison visitor, social worker, writer.
I am contacting a friend this week to tell him about the site, who wrote a play called'The Writer in Residence' set in prison,which was performed on Radio4. I'll mention this to him. I'll put it on my watch list for now. Thanks. Julia

I'm only 2 chapters in, Chris, but I have to say this is fucking superb writing (scuse my Scots). I'm too knackered to keep reading tonight, but rest assured I'll be following this one. Brilliant.

Oh, very good. Excellent voice, I could hear the accent in my head, and I can't do accents. I like the way you tell the story, that he's writing it for Jenny; the structure works beautifully. And the characters, clear from the start, except the enigmatic Fitz and Jenny who hasn't said much yet (I've only read to chapter three so far).

Have you read 'George' by Emlyn Williams?

Hi, Chris:
I almost addressed you as "Sion" because this read like a memoir. Though I've only gotten through Chapter 1 I like your "method writing" approach. Having Sion narrate we get his command and usage of language. You see it a lot in Roddy Doyle and it seems to wok well here, too. Will definitely read more later in the week.
Be well!

Fascinating and most intriguing. Love the Welsh traditions.


backed

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Tidy!

Another person commented on your good use of first-person narration, and I agree. It's one of those techniques that is popular at the moment, but very few people do well. (I've tried to read many a first person book and I usually fail...I'm impressed when one stands out!) Your main character has a strong voice--I really feel like I'm listening to someone else tell me a story about himself.

Welsh, Not...

I know you're not taking an active role here right now, so this will be short...I love your writing voice, not solely the way you put words together, but more the totality of a writer's voice...attitudes about the world, politics, etc.

Good luck with your writing. I'm not a publisher, don't have much market knowledge, but if I were, I'd publish this one.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Where in Wales are you from? I imagine ASBO from Belonging (RIP) reading this. I forget the actors name.. he was in High Hopes too.

Just to note, 'Sais' should be written as 'Saes' like 'Saeson.'

Hey from Bridgend,
Marc

The title drew me in; being from the heart land...have read first chapter and will read more. Clever dialogue. Chwarae teg.

Love the creative beginning. You've got a friecracker of a narrator. This is tight and mean and it doesn't let up. I'd love to give you some nit picks, but I really liked it and didn't find any. Best of luck!

Hi Chris
I stumbled onto this and dipped in. Not usually my kind of book, byt i've read 4 chs.
I could hear Sion speaking from the first sentence, probably from the first '...see'. I know its probably a stereotypical Welsh accent but it does give the book a strong voice. And does ensure that reader wants to know what has happened to Sion, why he's in prison(I'm assuming its prison - I haven't read other than the short blurb and I imagine he wouldn't share a room in a mental hospital, though the medication raised questions.)
By the way, the bit about the board and the Welsh language being banned in school is so effective. As is the final sentence of ch4 - 'if I lets something go out of my head then there's no telling that it'll ecver come back.'
There was something I'd like added - how to pronounce his father's name - it was so helpful in reading to know how Sion should sound.
Good luck with this - staying on my watchlist for a bit,
Margaret (Munro's Choice - HF set in 16thc Scotland) - I'd value feedback if you had a chance.

Hi Reg,

I read your first three chapters.

This is a well-written, intriguing story about a fascinating guy.

You started with an intriguing opening that hook me.

Your character focus and character detail is captivating. I felt I got to know Sion very quickly and found him complex as well as fascinating.

Your direct narrative voice probes Sion's thought and emotions without clutter and over-writing. I appreciate that.

Your descriptions are to the point and vivid. For example, 'His bushy eyebrows leap up, and I can see those veins standing out on the sides of his baldy head.'

Your dialogue sounds authentic and adds much dimension to your story.

Your pacing kept me enagaed.

Some suggested edits.

When using three ellipsis dots, separate them from the text with a space.

"How'd you tell which is yours, like?' says Fritz. Consider using 'asks Frits' as the dialogue tag.

We're about to start up the path when dad rolls himself out from underneath. Capitalize 'dad.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

I'm the only one of the Roberts clan that doesn't have red hair. "That" should be 'who.'

He talks about it a lot, especially to mam. Capitalize 'mam.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

These are minor edits and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and freview SAVANNAH PASSION?

Reg - a terrific thrill, hearing the Welsh voice like this. It reads so quickly, full of neat touches. It's personal, there's an anger bubbling away in there, but also a great sense of mystery - lots of questions, like, who is Sion? What has he done? The authenticity of the first-person narrative, the feeling of dredging up old memories and the sense of impending crisis - plus the way you articulate the fury of the Welsh at being England's whipping-boy - all of this I really like! And the style is terrific. I'm shelving this one.

Hi Reg, I've read three chapters of your book so far and realy like your style.
The welsh sytax sings out of beautifully and you paint a very realistic picture with very few words. Skillful!
This one's going on my watchlist and bookshelf!

Hey Reg,
Just came back to finish up. Where did the morning go? My only disappointment was that there was not another chapter to immerse myself in. I don't say this lightly, but... this story is absolute genius. The way you've intertwined Sion's boyhood and his later therapy sessions with the Welsh nationalist movement *and* Welsh folklore and history --- I bow to your talents.

I hope you're getting lots done, as I'm eagerly looking forward to more.

Hi Chris,

I've had this on my bookshelf awhile and have just now come back to finish up reading it, but I wanted to tell you what a compelling read this is. I can hear Sion's voice so clearly in my head. This is such a distinct story - I really wish I had the whole thing in my hands to read all the way through, problem is I might not emerge to rejoin the real world until the end. The father-son relationship, although disturbing in its abusiveness, is fixating and puts Sion's world in perspective for the reader.

Best,
Gemi

Hi Gemi,

Thanks so much for shelving me. I'm taking a break from this site at the moment, just dipping in from time to time. It's just getting in the way of writing. I wish you luck with your own endeavours.
Chris/Reg

Hi Chris,

I've had this on my bookshelf awhile and have just now come back to finish up reading it, but I wanted to tell you what a compelling read this is. I can hear Sion's voice so clearly in my head. This is such a distinct story - I really wish I had the whole thing in my hands to read all the way through, problem is I might not emerge to rejoin the real world until the end. The father-son relationship, although disturbing in its abusiveness, is fixating and puts Sion's world in perspective for the reader.

Best,
Gemi

Thanks for the heads up on my typo, all sorted now. I've had a quick glance at your first page only, but have put it on my watchlist for when I have more time; back later with comments
PEACE

Hi Reg,

Thanks very much for backing Ibarajo Road. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I agree about the circus. I won't be around much myself for a while - I've hardly written a word for weeks.

Best of luck with Welsh, Not.

Harry

Lallie, thanks for shelving. Yeah, good idea to switch from adult to childrens' market. Don't want to make it too easy for yourself :)

Hi Chris – as promised, I have read some of your book, and have a few comments for you to digest, sneer at, laugh at or ignore, but they are all meant to be constructive.

Thus far I am mightily impressed (after 3 chapters). It’s a fab story and I’m really enjoying it. There’s very little to fault (and I’m a fussy bugger) – just a few odd bits of typos and missed punctuation, but nothing major a good polish wouldn’t sort. It’s full of humour, and some lovely phrases, and a great, Welsh accent throughout. If you like this kind of storytelling – I do like – then it skips along. It has simple language, a wry sense of humour, has well observed characters and is very clear in concise words.

Cpt 2, bottom of pg3: put ‘don’t think I’ve finished with you, you little bastard’ in inverted commas.

End pg 6: ‘I’d never realised until she said “it”’.

Cpt 3, middle pg 2: ‘Next day I tells her “Fitz’s”…’

Pg 3, bottom – very good, like the implication here.

‘…just a midge’s dick over six foot.’ – top line

The meeting between Fitz and Meurig is great – laughed out loud!

There you go Chris, best of luck. Have shelved you. Ian

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your detailed review of The Shot - I really appreciate you spending so much time. I'm doing a re-write this weekend and I'll keep your comments in mind - very helpful ones!

I've got a full watchlist at the moment, but as soon as I've cleared a space I'll take a look at Welsh, Not.

Thanks again

Mary

Hi Reg - will do - it's on my 'train home' reading list for this week. Will let you know.

Hi Reg - just a quickie to say thanks for taking the time to read and comment on Wolff Pack. I'm flattered that you enjoyed it thus far. As for your pointers - a great help! Cheers. Am working through an edit so will take a look at what you have suggested/spotted. Thanks again, Ian.

Thanks Reg, I keep going up and down. I'll back yours again towards the end of the month when it will need to stay where it is or get higher.

best
anne

Dee, thanks for putting me on your bookshelf. Please let me know when you have something uploaded and I will take a look. Best, Reg.

For starters- a great read, so far. Haven't got past chapter 2 yet, but definitely leaves me wanting to come back to it when I've got a chance. A unique, unusual voice and I get a vivid feel for this main character; can see him like on a movie screen. Great glimpse into a culture not so well represented, I think. Fascinating.

Thanks Reg - have watchlisted Welsh - will let you know soon

Hi Chris,

Thanks for stopping by. I've added you to my watchlist and will take a look ASAP.

Mary

Thanks for your comments. I've been meaning to get over here for ages. I'll be sure to add you to my watchlist!
Christy

Hi Reg,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get round to this. It's a compulsive read and the voice is very authentic. It's gone on my shelf.

I'd be really grateful if you could have a look at Ibarajo Road. I'd be interested to hear what you think.

All the best

Harry

Hi Reg! HEY, take anything you like as a blurb -- I'd be thrilled!!!

Don't you dare take November off, though -- I hear you about finishing one's MS (I am trying to do that and trying to do rewrites at the same time, ack), but you can work on that more monomaniacally after sealing the deal with the HC read.

As for the American market, are you kidding??? For one, we love a screwed-up-childhood story (we are most of us underdogs, at least in our own minds; plus, it feeds into our fascination with therapy). For another, we are Celt-crazy. Even if no one can pronounce Siobhan. Before WN even gets to the starting gate it has a lot working in its favor here.

Hi Reg! This is a gripping story that is surprisingly fast-paced given that almost everything is either IN DOUBT or a FLASHBACK! I love Sion's voice, which is wonderfully rendered -- it didn't take me more than a couple paragraphs (and they're short paragraphs) to have a feel for him: bright but uneducated, introspective but absolutely soaked in received wisdom, violent but fair-minded -- and now honestly searching for truth but so tangled up in the winding-sheet of medication and the painful complexity of the past that it's going to be a long, hard slog for him to get anywhere. And he thinks he knows the Mab Darogan personally? Now, THAT is a kicker right in the beginning that's going to take some explaining -- but you make it clear that we're going to get those explanations (and we start to get some hints that there's something more to this than a florid psychotic episode when Nia starts pressing mom about the artefacts).

I have no nitpicks for you. I didn't feel kicked out of the story once. It's told episodically, but each of these episodes has a both a kick and a hook at the end of it, and this keeps the tension and the momentum high. Not to mention the overall BIG question -- why is Sion institutionalized? Did he DO something, or did something in his mind just snap? I am disturbed by his lighter being next to Bethan's house. Did he drop it, and did the older kids then appropriate it? I hope so. YES, Sion has impulse control "issues" sometimes, but he seems like basically a good kid (even if his entertainments run to the rough...and pretty mean sometimes too, as with his and Fitz's taunting of the old women).

You give some contextualizing of Welsh political resentment that helps explain why feelings run so high. You obviously already know that the "Welsh Not" sign is particularly sickening and heartbreaking given that you've taken it for your title!

A quick note about the phonetic explanation of Sion -- I think it's a good idea. Heh heh, all right, Paddy may be quite correct that Brits already know the drill, but most Americans won't. I have a friend named Siobhan who is frequently called See-O-bin. And I probably would have guessed more "shawn" than "shorn" for Sion myself! And there would be, I think, a sizable American market for this, so it's kind of you to keep us in the loop ;-) .

So -- well done, and I guess I don't have anything else to add! OH WAIT! One thing. "Jenny Jones" -- to Americans, this will inevitably bring to mind that television creature -- I'm not sure whether you want this resonance or not. All right, anyway, I see very clearly why this is doing so well, and I think it should do even better! And as soon as I finish typing, I will give you a quick vote to add to your many, and best of luck!!!

Hi Reg, read the first 3 chaps and this made me laugh a lot. The Welsh voice comes across really well, and makes it even more humorous - I like the pluralized verbs ("I picks up my pen" etc).

The flashbacks work very well, especially in chap 3.

I love "Give me something to hold onto until tomorrow" and "Hold onto that for tonight, I will." "Hali-whatjamacallit" is also very good.

Might want to tone down the anti-English stuff in chap 1 as it's a bit ranty and things become a lot more settled and humorous in the following chapters. A lot of Sais may be initially put off thinking it's going to turn into a Welsh rant. And I'd lose the sheep bit as it's a bit obvious - also most Brits should know Sion is pronounced Shorn - if they don't, they're dumb, so fuck em.

Very funny overall, and I didn't spot any errors (although shouldn't Fitz' be Fitz's? I thought only words ending with an s allowed for s')

I'm bookselving it and will be back to read more when I can. See you're pretty high up the ranking so good luck! You knows it!

I enjoyed reading the chapters and look forward to more especially to see how the Welsh nationalist aspect develops.. The characters are very real and easy to relate to. The writing flows well and the mix of narrative and dialogue makes interesting reading.

Thanks for clearing up my little quibble, Reg. That makes a lot of sense. It's good to see the language being taught in schools again.

Very, very readable, Reg. My only quibble is if Sion's dad is such a nationalist, wouldn't he have insisted Sion learn Welsh?

this has such a great narrative voice! I like the structure, i assume he is in a mental hospital and writing is the therapy. The prose is witty and fast paced and i can picture the boys. My only crit is that maybe there needs to be just a little more scene setting for the present (i find it a bit distracting trying to work out where he is, how long he has been there etc). A bit more on his surroundings, other patients, also how old is he and is sectioned or voluntary, would make the present day scenes more interesting and less like a vehicle for the flashbacks. You may do this further on (only read first 3 chaps), but i find in a structure such as this, the present needs a plot of sorts (a sub story). Will be giving this a stint on my shelf.

Thanks for your support, Chris. I'll have a read of Welsh, Not within the next couple of days. As someone who was subjected to S4C for three years I might not be too sympathetic of the subject matter though! Only kidding of course, will let you know my thoughts soon.

Thank you for shelving me. I appreciate your support very much. Jason.

Chris,

I took you off as you put me on, sorry, but it doesn't affect ranking apparently!!!!!. Anyway if HC are any good they'll publish you and never mind the editor's desk, your book should be out there in the shops.

Ma

Chris,
I promised someone I'd put them on my shelf for a while!
Sorry Ma.

Chris,

I have a space so I'm giving it to you as you deserve it. Unfortunately it will only be for a few days as there is somebody else who also deserves a place but I wanted to show my support and hope you get the recognition you deserve.

Ma

Maz, Jed & P.J. - thanks for your comments!

I really like this, Reg. I, too, am a non-Welsh speaking Welshman in exile and I still remember the voice. I'm getting whiffs of Wasp Factory , which is no bad comparison for a first-time writer. Don't worry about the changes of first person narrators - they're easy to follow.

Reg, Thanks for listing my book. Yours was one of the first I ever book shelved when I came to this site, purely due to my being Welsh and not knowing when to start. Can't understand why you're not in top 5. Saw you were also doing well on YWO.

Would love to hear any feedback you may have, and hope you make it to HC's desk.
Jason

I've changed the line you suggested and it defo sounds better!
Ma

Hi Chris,

I've just read your first 2 chapters which are excellent. I'm sorry your book has slipped but it shoudn't have it'sexcellent. I'm not qualified to offer you constructive criticism all can say is when I change my bookshelf you will be on it, hopefully in the next few days. I'm bad at taking books off as I always feel guilty! However it has to be done and you really do deserve to have a crack at the editor's desk.
Ma

Hi Chris,

I've just read your first 2 chapters which are excellent. I'm sorry your book has slipped but it shoudn't have it'sexcellent. I'm not qualified to offer you constructive criticism all can say is when I change my bookshelf you will be on it, hopefully in the next few days. I'm bad at taking books off as I always feel guilty! However it has to be done and you really do deserve to have a crack at the editor's desk.
Ma

Hi Chris,

I've just read your first 2 chapters which are excellent. I'm sorry your book has slipped but it shoudn't have it'sexcellent. I'm not qualified to offer you constructive criticism all can say is when I change my bookshelf you will be on it, hopefully in the next few days. I'm bad at taking books off as I always feel guilty! However it has to be done and you really do deserve to have a crack at the editor's desk.
Ma

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your watchlist, I've noticed your book and have been meaning to read it. I'veadded it to my watchlist. You are doing really well 58 bookshelves amazing!

Ma