Watching Over You

'The kind I struggle to find in bookshops...' I'm with Suzanne there, so if anyone is reading from Harper Collins... Seriously, this is getting gripping. I like the understated, emotionally detached tone early on. I'm still reading, so will post again later. Thanks, Toscka

Now this is my kind of book, the kind I struggle to find in bookshops. Reminiscent of Nicci French (Killing Me Softly and Secret Smile - my two favourites). It's subtle, a touching sense of loneliness to draw you in even though you know you are being taken by the hand into something wonderfully scary. (I say wonderfully because I enjoy this type of read). Seems to be Transworld's loss as I think some of the best crime stories (is it also a thriller?) tread on soft feet. I have only read three chapters so far but am certainly looking forward to the rest of it. 'Goodbyes come in twin flavours ...' I don't think Watching Over You will have to say goodbye though ...more later.

Dark and deadly and mysterious - I love this! What a strong voice, and what a fabulously unreliable narrator too - just how I like my narrators! If this was in the shops - or indeed available anywhere - I'd snap it up like the proverbial. Debbie is right about the feel of that Robin Williams film (whose title I can't remember either, but it's top-notch), and it also reminds me of Robbe-Grillet's "Le Voyeur" - where things just aren't how they appear to be and the world you're allowed to see is seriously off-balance.

Great stuff

A
xxx

Absorbing stuff - and Gideon is curiously cosy, though one knows he isn't really. Of course I was reminded of John Fowles' 'The Collector', though I prefer your writing to his. There's a fine line between obsession and menace. I found Amelie in the film of the same name sinister rather than charming.

Gideon's voice is believable, and how he spends his days. I love the description of the flat, deserted for ten years. I like the London setting; it's nice for a Londoner; I know Mount Pleasant and Pentonville etc..

Mark you, I feel this could turn into a worrying read as the story progresses...

[Should it be the car 'brakes', or am I being obtuse?]

Brilliant premise, brilliantly executed. A rich and absorbing story told with style. Well-drawn characters. Interesting dialogue. Evocative narrative. Assurd writing. A captivating read. Backed.

Really, really good. I just had time to read one chapter, but have now read three and want to keep going. Will be back to read more.

One small thing - I don't think you need to explain who 'Moth' is. I'd already guessed.

Backed with pleasure x

stuck trying to find anything to suggest to improve this. The reader gets drawn into this unusual characters way of thinking, even though they probably find him creepy and don't want to go there.

Beautifully and hauntingly written whilst being creepy too. The prose just flows whilst the story, and possibly your oh so unreliable narrator, unravels in front of the reader.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Literary fiction, dark, a little creepy, disturbing, and also brilliant. You have written this so very well. An occasional turn of phrase that is just so descriptive, 'all high heel totter and briefcase in hand.'
I am very happy to back this and recommend it. I have no suggestions for improvement. I think you should take this and enter a few competitions as well as the usual round of agents. Very very good. Backed, Marj.
PS And get a new book-cover.

This was definitely different, Toscka. I remember commented on this a while ago, and I think I mentioned how the first person talking to ‘me’ as the one being stalked is unusual and put me off.
Now I’ve reread it, and although I still find it a bit odd, I got used to it quickly. Chapter 2 was much smoother in my opinion, which is usually the other way around (you know, where 1 is great and it goes downhill...) Dialogue is crisp and believable, and your descriptions well done.
In all, I quickly warmed up to this. I’m not sure what changed, but I like it.

Paul

www.pauldaytonscifi.com

Eye of the Idol

You suceeded rather well. Getting into the head of an unusual character is difficult. good show

Well written.
Backed , and best of luck moving this book onto more shelves

Scorselo-the communicator

You suceeded rather well. Getting into the head of an unusual character is difficult. good show

Well written.
Backed , and best of luck moving this book onto more shelves

Scorselo-the communicator

You suceeded rather well. Getting into the head of an unusual character is difficult. good show

Well written.
Backed , and best of luck moving this book onto more shelves

Scorselo-the communicator

Intriguing...beautiful prose that makes the reader feel the emotions of the MC...well done...

Well written and all too realistic. Masterly.Backed.

Creepy - in the best possible way! It takes a particularly skilled writer to make us put aside our unease and get inside the head of a sociopath, and you've succeeded brilliantly. I wish you every success with this.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

If you saw my comments (I've seen yours, here) on the forum you will know I don't kiss arse, so you will understand when I ask you, why haven't you found an agent? No time, no patience, tut, tut?
I read the first chapter, out loud as I always do (You would think I like the sound of my own voice). I started on the second chapter and stopped, because I hate reading from a flat screen, I want the real thing, so don't dissapoint me, for I look forward to turning the pages on this one, if you get my drift.

Get an agent, start today.

By the way, you have a typo at the end of the chapter. Have a look.

Best of luck,

Rebecca

Ho toscka -- quick note on chapter 2 -- something picayune caught my eye -- bottom of page --a car breaks -- don't you mean a car brakes?

Chapter one, I was with Gideon all the way, meeting him, wanting to know more of him. Chapter two get a little too disjointed somehow -- too many thoughts, visions, introductions -- which clearly spell the state of Gideons thought processes, but troubles mine. too many unanswered questions to be comfortable. Moving on though. More tomorrow as I want to think over today. Perhaps it is me -- I don't like it when things aren't laid out for me or when I have to go back and read a couple of times to get something straight. This writing is clever -- and more, a good voice for your character. I wonder if Gideon would be as exhausting in real life (and as confusing) as I find him to read -- engaging, but repellent in the manner of those who want to tell us more than we want to know. Ah -- it's late and I can't find the words to explain. Tomorrow.

Hi Toska,
I like to find some constructive feedback, no matter how hard it is when the writing is this good. The part I liked the most was the being in Gideon's head. I read three chapters spaced out to see if it remained constant and it did. I found myself liking him, not wanting to be friends with him but enjoying his thought process. But, and this could just be, I was waiting for something to happpen, for the pace to speed up. Which is probably not what you were aiming for. The later chapters read better than the first one which is a shame as it seems many people tend ot focus on that one. I can understand what Spinker is saying about the first line and I found myself trying to reword it, but you're a better writer than I am, so I wouldn't be so rude.
Not a book I would normally read but I will return to it and continue reading as I enjoyed the almost voyeuristic qualities
Thank You.

How I love anti-heroes. Especially one as 'nice' as this one.
Looking forward to read more.
K.

Dear Toscka --

You have captured the voice of a sociopath with such chilling accuracy that if I knew where you lived, I would probably take pains to avoid you. :)

Seriously, Watching Over You is one of the creepiest reads I've experienced, and yet Gideon's voice is hypnotic. He justifies himself so neatly, there are moments when we can almost experience the world through his eyes, which is as horrific to me as any categorized horror novel.

Backing this tale with fear and awe for your craft. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Like the "The Collector", by John Fowles, this is a well written book, very believable, interesting and entertaining to read. I'll back it in a heartbeat. Dave

The narrative voice is fascinating - conversational, but with a somewhat chilling undertone - and I can't wait to find out more about him. The opening chapter is enthralling: I love the matter-of-fact tone and the keenly observed little details. I'm happy to back this right now and read the rest at my leisure, and I wish you every success

Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

I'm here to shred. "You" three times in the opening sentence isn't the greatest way to start a novel, imo. You second sentence is a bit of a run on. You could lose "almost like it was meant." It doesn't do anything and I['m not sure you even meant to leave it there. Looks like it might be a left over from earlier editing.

I see that a few reviews here call your book gripping. It may be, but I don't think the opening paragraph here is gripping. This may be because you chose to tell the story in first person pov. It gives the feel of telling and doesn't really put me into the story, since I know that the "you" isn't me. This isn't a deal breaker or anything, but you should know that the reader is going to need to get through more than the first few sentences before they feel any hook, imo. Parts of the first paragraph worked for me. I like the bit about buying the same book.

Take a look at some of your opening phrases and see if you really need them. Things like "to be honest." Sometimes the sentence may read a lot creepier when it's more direct. "It's difficult stitching it all toghether now..." instead of "To be honest, it's difficult stitching it all together now"

In the second paragraph, the sentences run a little long and the metaphor/description slamming buttons on a fruit machine was completely lost on me. I thought maybe you were referring to the narrator pretending to be hitting a vending machine when he watched his victim.

(Back to the first paragraph) What didn't work for me were the phrases "like static between threads," and the whole sentence about the cafe. You tell us about her (?) distinctive walk and then when you wonder if she did it on purpose, you immediatley refer to a scene where she is sitting -- not walking.

You repeat the phrase "or something." I assume this is a typo.

Anyway, the strongest part of chapter one are the last paragraphs, starting with "Home now" (I would make that it's own sentence instead of using a comma. You should think about getting rid of everything before this. We don't necessarily need the whole back story presented to us in teh first five paragraphs. I think if you start your story off with these two paragraphs, it would be much stronger. Your opening paragraphs come close to being "trite" in the world of stalkers. Think about not giving all this info up front here and introducing it in cleaver ways a bit later.

That's my two cents.

Dear Toscka, I love your chapter 16 - totally radical. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch that was before your story which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm commenting/backing your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to comment/back my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end my illness now/6th abusive marraiage." Thanks, Susie :)

This is an interesting story: a walk inside the mind of a stalker. It's almost impossible to make this type of character likable - but you achieve that here. It's an engrossing read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hello Toscka. This is really well written. Gideon is immediately a character you bond with, especially the way he thinks. I can see why you're doing so well. Best of luck with this and your other novels! mariecapri

Kinda expected to hear from you - or didn't you see what I did for you on Forum as well as reading and commenting lots? Can you return the favour ?

Hello again. Yes, I do have sympathy for Gideon although straight off we get the clear sense of dreadful, the most extreme, potentialities in him. The reason I so like your book is that it is very difficult to write convincingly about a complex, warped character and keep the sympathy going. The creation of Moth and the reader's gradual understanding of the weird circumstances of Gideon's childhood are excellent. Just be careful, when Moth's strictures are reported, that ithey're believable (and that the commas are in place), I've read to Ch 9.
Lara
Good for Him

I like this better than anything on the site I've read so far. Can'[t back you twice but you should be on the editor's desk. I'd buy the book if it was published. The detail is great, the voice remains convincing throughout the chapters and you have the character psychologically correct. I'm reading well into it Lara

I've read on. It's not disappointing me. You should rise up the ranks, sure you will. Lara

(Good for Him)

Strong, believable, want to read on. I'll back it. Good on you.

Watching over you

Always wondered if love your neighbour should be taken literately!
This is a stunning piece of writing!
My therapist and analyst says:
Don’t need to say more. – Good luck

I love this MC you're looking through the eyes of. You're fully entrenched in his feelings... not an easy task, I know. True exploration of the psyche-type stuff.

This is wonderfully dark and creepy. I couldn't stop reading no matter how much I wanted, so you did a good job there. You have a main character that by all means we shouldn't like and relate to but I think he's great. I know it's only going to get more disturbing at it goes but I am going to keep going a little more.

Great job
Missy

You had my with your pitch. Shelving it.

This is truly gripping, with a chilling undercurrent. The writing is tight, precise, concise even, as constrained and confined as Gideon himself, great stuff. The needlepoint is a clever device, his wish and need to stitch up other's lives and to leave no loose ends. Sure to go far, happy to back great writing, Carolyn.

The story is nice and I love to complete reading this. Narrating is nice.
BAcked.
Wishes.

S. Vinay Kumar

Hi Toska, this work is totally engrossing. Gideon's personality is quickly gleaned through your clever writing. Moth is inspired, and 'dentist pink'... love it! I once wrote a story about a loner, Raymond, but this is how it should be. I am in awe! Nicky. Backed. (The Changeling Tree.)

I usually don't like second person. Hate it in fact. But this is different. Writing in second person has made this so eerie. It makes me cringe. How realistic is your voice. No remorse, almost has an entitled feel to it. I would not change anything. (Though I might sleep with the lights on tonight.) Shelved C.P

Wow, Toscka, this sounds great. Reminds me of “The Collector” by John Fowles. I’ll come back to read more later. No suggestions. I’ll shelve it for you. – Dave (Visions)

Powerful stuff, Tosca.

Gets to be quite claustrophobic - being in his head like that. The bit that affected me the most for some reason was when he started talking about dirt and spores.

Yes, it's compelling. very well written. Better put it on me shelf.

All the best

Oh, and another thing, I would suggest changing your cover picture, so many people have used this one and your book deserves to stand out.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

Excellent stuff! Crisp, measured, and masterfully worked. It's quite possibly the best writing I've read yet on Authonomy. I like the slightly sinister feel of his cosy voice, very Alan Bennet. This MUST succeed!

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

PS: If you have a spare moment, we would really appreciate your comments on 'Graemor'.

This book is so well written - it should be published! I really like the way that the character is obvioulsy twisted but because it is written from his POV you can kind of relate to him/ feel sorry for him. In that respect it reminds me of The Collector which as you can see from my profile is one of my favourite books. I have no bad points about this book -it is great. Backed! Clare

Watching Over You...

I think I hate you. This is a literary thriller, not only for the beautiful prose, but also for the depth of characterization. Bravo!

It's so hard to find fault with this, and so I'm not even going to try.

I expected it to be good, having read some of the feedback you give to others, but not as good as it is. Having read your partial, I can't imagine an agent not asking for a full.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

How is it that I just found this? From the start this reminds me of The Collector by John Fowles (one of my all-time favorites), however it's most certainly your own. Your unique voice and style read incredibly accomplished and polished. How easy and lazy it would be to focus only on the literal aspects of stalking. Thankfully you go deeper, promising us an intense and multi-layered drama. I'm loving this.

This was both a fascinating and a frustrating read. I knew that I should not get involved yet I did – only to come to an abrupt end with questions unanswered. That’s the nature of Authonomy and I should have known better. There’s no doubt in my mind that this book will make it to the top. Right now it sits comfortably on my shelf.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Minor mistakes:

1
They should give you a certificate when YOU ARE released

Ten years and noTHING to remember?

9
ThE way she stooped for her blessings

10
Last sentence not finished.

Hi Toscka.

Your somber tone grips the reader and drags him into your protagonist's anguish. Brilliant manner of showing the story through reflection and with little remorse- more like a distant interest, which is alluring. I too have wondered where all the dust comes from and if one dusts every corner including behind the furniture, how can the room get dirty when closed off for a month? Great beauty in your protagonist's attraction and memories of his love. This is gorgeously written.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

I know many readers will complain that the start is not dramatic enough but I found the hints to be in just the right places and the pace ideal to lead me in. I am almost reluctant to empathise with the character because he is so perfectly introduced, I am afraid that he may rub off on me. On my shelf and determined to read all of it. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Excellent writing! You have taken us inside the tortured mind of the narrator, and what's more profound is that you've made it easier for the reader to relate! I love the dark ambiguity, the arbitrariness of it all. Very very good. SHELVED.

From your profile pic, I think you'll like my story. It is about a dad and his little girl trying to survive in the Alaskan Wilderness. It's called This Side of Eden--take a look and let me know what you think.

Again, great work--I can't wait to read more.
--D.

Hi Toscka,
stopping by as promised. coments as I read:
ch 1:
'strolling your cat' - original turn of phrase but took me out of the story
he bought the same book - what a great way to describe his obsession!
seamless jumps to and from ten years ago - really well-written
Moth - I imagine a voice in his head - intriguing
no-one looks after your house while you're in prison - like this thought a lot
'Ten years and no to remember' - typo?
ch 2:
sawdust sausages - great
slipping the 20 pound note, opening others' letters - good character-revealing stuff.
tha switch to Lazarus - I don't when this is
Moth, my mum, as in butterfly - I had to think about this. Moth(er)? A clever play on words but distracting if you're just reading for pleasure I imagine.
ch 3:
nice change of pace, and fooling me - good as we realise soon that it's all in Gideon's head
don't think you need the Jairneee... bit, especially as 'blood' stands out as unchanged

All in all, you have a very distinctive style and a strong, original voice. It's confident writing and looks to be shaping up into an interesting story. I really enjoyed the little time I had to read. Sorry I couldn't read more today, but what I have read is more than enough to deserve a shelf.
Cheers,
Simon
ps. hope you enjoy 'having a bash' at mine.

OK, comments here.
The pitch... creepy, but could perhaps be a bit more coherent. I'd lose the last sentence. I'm wondering if 64,000 words is long enough.
The first chapter.
By the first paragraph, it's clear to me that this is competently written. I feel in good hands. Competent writing alone is not enough. Something needs to be at stake, or happening, or about to happen, and I feel that. He's stalking this woman. I am not normally a fan of writing gimmicks such as second person, but it works well here. I'm still reading.
Good. There's mention of an accident, of things I don't quite understand, but I'm willing to let them slide past me, trusting you to fill me in later.
Then.
I hit the sentence: Yesterday a cancelled cheque...
At that moment, I'm out of the story. I don;t understand anything until the sentence that starts 'Eighty percent...' No idea what it's about. Cross and dib dib becomes annoying to me. I don't know what it's about, and now it bothers me. I'm no longer happy to wait. I didn't understand the line with the cheque. I think it needs either more elaboration, more context or the machete. Actually I don't think you need it at all. You have enough mystery to grab the reader.

Once I got to chapter 3, this is good. My only criticism is that to get that far, you have to wade through chapters 1 and 2, in which absolutely nothing happens. I think you're starting in the wrong place. If you started with the accident, you could work in the meditative stuff as you went. It's good, but there's an awful wodge of it, and a lot of people will have put the book down before they've got through it.