Jonty Jones Takes Guard

I feel the same as CrisX (See below) and wonder at the target age group. I've backed it.

This is about cricket, so I have to back it.
Summer is nearly here and soon the sound of leather on willow will fill my Sundays again. I've sharpened all my pencils and re-read my small book of umpire's signals to refresh my memory and I will be back scoring and yelling at the kid who is supposed to be doing the board and moving the sight screens.
Pure bliss.
I'd love to be reading this in the tea interval.

This is brilliant, BT. to quote Jonty, "I love it," said Jonty, "absolutely love it."
No more needs to be said as far as I am concerned. Good Luck.
Norman.

I know absolutely nothing about cricket but that didn't stop me from enjoying your story. It has such spunk. You can't help but cheer for Jonty. She is kind of a modern day Pippi- does what she wants no matter what others think.. Good luck with this. I think young girls are going to love it. Backed C.P

Hi BT

Back for more...i decided to read from the start this time. Enjoyed the prologue but i would suggest you change 'blundered gaspingly' very akward writing here.

Intriguing prologue that had me hooked to see what was going to happen. 'Tied (him) up' instead of hin.

Great imagery you created with regards to the Pakistani batsman.

Glad i dipped into the start also. Definitely a great read!

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

BT
Great fun. I can tell you enjoyed writing this.
Some nitpicky comments:
* I think you can write a better opening line. "The Prince Thydumm." - not a sentence of course and "they call him" and "they say" jolts because I always ask: "who are they?"
* Just [him] and the young man.
* ...the young man said[,] "not a soldier...
There were some words (can't find them now) that made me wonder what age this was aimed at. I think there is software for working out the target age and thereby identifying words that are difficult.
Overall, this shows great promise. I'm unsure whether it is distinctive enough to make it in the crowded market, but one never knows!
Good luck with this. It's shelved.
Chris (I Dare You)

Jonty Jones Takes Guard...

This is sufficiently different from Harry Potter, and yet has a lot of the same charm...I think you might have a winner here. Someone else commented on some of the words...I can see 'zinging zylophones" become part of the YA lexicon (I may just use it myself from time to time.)

Shelved, of course...and I do hope you'll comment on mine, too.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places, a different type of fantasy)

BT - love the dialouge and the magical names - shelved.

CW - To Save the Sun

This is such a fun read :) I imagine kids buying into the story and the cast. Not generally my genre but it put a smile on my face. Glad to shelve.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

BT -

Your short and long intro are intriguing - you introduce an array of new names and words that make the reader want to learn more about the tale you are weaving.

At your advice, I forwarded to chapter six to begin my read. I love how your story is spun through more dialogue than (boring) narrative - definitely a key to keeping the child's mind engaged. I've got no nits to speak of in your writing. Well done!

Kim

At first glance of chapter one, it seems to be a "normal" tale of a girl who has to prove she's better than the boys...then, wham! The princess enters and the story turns into a delightful surprise of adventure. Your characters are very whimsical and the story is enjoyable. Will be on the shelf!

Hi BT

Done as you suggested and read the chapters 6,7 and 8.

I might not have got an entire feel of your story, i did get an enormous wallop from your brilliant character dialogue. These are jovial characters that make me want to read on. Some of the words you have used are simply delicious 'Freefalltastic!' and the name Beiderbecke Jones conjured up all sorts of images.

I can see why you chose these chapters, despite me not reading the rest, there is a talent that is evident here. I can imagine these being read within a school to wide-eyed children, waiting for the next instalment.

On my shelf.....based on your bold move of asking to read specific chapters.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people=

Are you trying to get published, or what? This is a well-crafted story and the writing is pretty doggone good. Shelved.

Hi BT,

This is a wonderful tale that’s very well written. Wonderful pace that runs smoothly and was easy to read. Great characterisation; Jonty is believable and likeable. I think this would be a treat for all ages, but especially for the kids.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hello,
Thanks for all your helpful ideas and advice, just about all of which I took.
Yeah... the wicket thing. Well, can't have crickert without it. Its as much part of cricket as home base is to baseball.
Once again... thanks for your interest in my little baby.

Laat dit goed gaan.

BT

Short pitch - very well done.

Long Pitch -- Needs a touch of white space (could be a formatting thing wtih the site) just make sure you break up into paragraphs -- that helps focus the reader. But you had me at "the bodyguard's official complainer." That made me laugh!


Prologue/Chpater 1:

Writing is smooth and creates nice tension.

Perhaps "Come in and get HER himself?"


Love the world you've created. I know nothing of Cricket (living in Texas, American Football and baseball are what I know), but you do a great job of making it all feel natural. And the idea that her mother joined a rock band -- LOL. Unique way to have her mom out of the picture. And Jonty's description was lovely.

So many things are wonderful here -- especially how simpering girls are supposed to behave around cricket (cooing instead of playing). Very nice!

And "Rather his wicket than his ticket." Cute, but One thing there...uh, wicket would have a totally different connotation in the states. I'm just saying. : )

Your voice is natural and unique -- and that shines on through. Nicely done. You might consider breaking the chapter down a little. Most early YA (10 - 14 year old level) has chapters about 2000 words (or 10 double spaced pages). Older YA can be nearly double that, as long as it's a pivotal chapter...but chapter breaks really help younger readers (I have one, so I just see it).


Thanks for the read. Willing to return the favor? I write YA Fantasy/SciFi as well. Mine's set in Oklahoma...talk about new cultures LOL.

Shelved.

KinDallas
Switch

hello BT
Wasn't too sure about chapter 1, but I loved the second one. Great fun! If I could make a suggestion, that chapter 2 could well be three chapters, esp as this is aimed at kids. No terrible typos or that sort of thing, and I will come back and read the rest. Good luck with it. It's different.

Short pitch - very well done.

Long Pitch -- Needs a touch of white space (could be a formatting thing wtih the site) just make sure you break up into paragraphs -- that helps focus the reader. But you had me at "the bodyguard's official complainer." That made me laugh!


Prologue/Chpater 1:

Writing is smooth and creates nice tension.

Perhaps "Come in and get HER himself?"


Love the world you've created. I know nothing of Cricket (living in Texas, American Football and baseball are what I know), but you do a great job of making it all feel natural. And the idea that her mother joined a rock band -- LOL. Unique way to have her mom out of the picture. And Jonty's description was lovely.

So many things are wonderful here -- especially how simpering girls are supposed to behave around cricket (cooing instead of playing). Very nice!

And "Rather his wicket than his ticket." Cute, but One thing there...uh, wicket would have a totally different connotation in the states. I'm just saying. : )

Your voice is natural and unique -- and that shines on through. Nicely done. You might consider breaking the chapter down a little. Most early YA (10 - 14 year old level) has chapters about 2000 words (or 10 double spaced pages). Older YA can be nearly double that, as long as it's a pivotal chapter...but chapter breaks really help younger readers (I have one, so I just see it).


Thanks for the read. Willing to return the favor? I write YA Fantasy/SciFi as well. Mine's set in Oklahoma...talk about new cultures LOL.

Shelved.

KinDallas
Switch

This is great, smooth and deceptive. The idea is original and it is very hard to stop reading. Accessible to all ages as well. This should do very well on authonomy. On my shelf and good luck.