Hi, your first chapter is enough for me to shelve this - but i will be back for more. As I would like constructive critcism, I hope you dont mind if I do the same to you. The writing is excellent, the blurb is not! And for something as good as this, it should be. hope you like mine,

Louisa view book

Hi there -

Just read the opening chapter of your book and loved it. And consequently backed it. It flows very easily and you have a very good turn of phrase (I especially like the personification of the conscience who gets on the greyhound bus). Just one tiny comment - you use unhurried and hurried in very close proximity. It was the only thing that very slightly jarred. I hope you enjoy mine - although having seen "publisher" floating around your messages, maybe you dont have time for the great unwashed anymore!!!! Congrats.

Louisa view book

oh god. am right there with you. view book

Hi

Well done on making it to the desk. Your writing has a Joanne Harris feel to it and is wonderfully evocative. I am just wondering how easy it will be to get another travel novel of this genre published. Wouldnt it be an idea to fictionalise the story using all your great anecdotes?

Louisa view book

Hi there,

Ditto the comment on the fat legs! Touche....

But I am easily confused (!!) and don't know Australia at all. Kings Cross and Paddington mentions confuse me as does £10 poms (?) Oxford street? Thought I was in London (!) and then the conversation switches abruptly from with the stallholder back to Gina (and the bras) "Gina wrote to me in the uk" (just a minute ago you were with her?) perhaps it is the tenses that are confusing me. She wrote before you got there - so she "had written" (past perfect?).

I hear your horror very much in spending time with Gina - it fascinates! And makes me want to read on. But at least personally I need a more gentle "situating" because feeling stupid about my lack of knowledge doesnt particularly make me feel good! (even if its true!)

Louisa view book

Hi

Finally got around to reading chapter 1 and can feel the promise in it. However the violence doesnt touch me as much as it should. Its such an important start and yet it only takes four paragraphs. if you are using it in your short pitch surely it should be made more of in the opening? It feels more like a synopsis rather than a finished book - maybe there is a lot more that can be told in this opening than is present now. Its still on my watchlist! Hope you are enjoying the catharsis provided by writing!

Louisa view book

Hi -

Yours looks my type of book too. I will peg it for reading when I have a mo. But the pitch dives into the book whereas I would prefer being enticed with something a little shorter - but thats just personal preference. It still looks hilarious!

L view book

hi there

i also got through the first chapters (up to number 4) but mainly because of the opening chapter. that one gripped me. Somehow then it floats off into a ton of descriptive passage and loses me for while. Your ability to write dialogue is very good and this is what makes it pick up pace from time to time. My thinking then is that it could do with more. Can't we get to know the character more through his actions and speech?

Some have made the same comments about my writing - so perhaps i am especially vilgilant on this! Thanks,

Louisa (Queen of the Limbo) view book

Hello Simon,

Although I have scanned other comments in your thread and think that everyone is entitled to their own preference I have to say that I think your opening is brilliant. However I do have a personal interest in exploding religious myth so it definitely is a matter of taste here. The style of writing though bothered me (as opposed to the story setting). I found it a little too full of effort to convey a certain time - I realise that writing in an older period is difficult, but this sounds like it is trying too hard. The repetition of "longer" in the first paragraph is not good, the phrase "would not contain his spirit for much longer" was too wordy. I like that he dives into memories, but it took a couple of readings to know that it was the action of moving the olives that evoked them. I think you need some better association - and the mention of the voice needs to resonate more.

It is fortunate that the prologue is not too long in its current state because were it to go on longer, I may have stopped reading. And then you wrote those familiar words - clouds dispersed and realisation fell into place almost with shock! Totally unexpected - brilliant!

I also like the introduction to Becky although her slang english does not suit her character (in my opinion!). The POV change was equally fine within the first chapter...and then we get benedict - powerful in its own way followed by the police station (very funny once you get into it!)...and then Nell. The thing is that - dammit - I am interested in the story! But fed up with the POV changes. I feel the need for a little more consistency. Dont give up Nell's point of view - in fact it is through her that we discover Black's death, but perhaps benedict does not need to figure so early on. can he not come later and we remain with the characters we know already? Something more from Becky?

I doubt that my attempt would be your cup of tea (it's chick lit and very light hearted!) but I would appreciate some comments on it nevertheless! Thanks and well done! I look forward to seeing your development!

Louisa view book

Hi again.

Judging from this first chapter your book has enormous promise as far as I am concerned...i would love to actually go through it and comment on individual segments though - something which seems impossible on this site! Some thoughts that have occurred to me when reading it:

The bra passage - loses me just a little.
I love the idea that you introduce the random thought italics as a thought and then allow yourself to follow this up with your own random thoughts. But sometimes maybe the randomness detracts slightly from the flow?
The pineapple yoghurt sketch? pure brilliance!

I'll move on to chapter two later...

Louisa (queen of the limbo)
view book

The pitch is very good - if complex. Does Molly talk like a teenager or like someone older (i.e. you?) view book