The Father is the best book I've read on Authonomy. Rodney is a world-maker. view book

I connected with this book as soon as I read the pitch, as the subject matter appeals to me. (incidentally, it looks like you need to update the pitch based on an apparent title change). I heard that Tom Wolf was writing a book about Miami, around 2005 coincidentally, but I don't know that anything has come of it. In any event, you had me hooked before I read a page.

So far, I have read three chapters, and I will read more, but I wanted to stop and jot down some thoughts. I enjoy your style. The balance of description, dialogue, action, and background information suits me fine. I also like the interwoven time periods.

I found myself fairly disoriented in the prologue, but perhaps that's intentional and a product of the chaotic scene and alien environment. Regardless, you have both single spacing and double spacing in the prologue and you may want to revisit your formatting there.

I have a couple of other nits for you too. There are more than a couple of sentences in the first three chapters where you're missing an article (e.g., "the"). I suspect they fell through the cracks during edits. Likewise, there's a "Hurrican's" that should be a "Hurricane's" and a "women" that should be a "woman" at the beginning of the third chapter. Read back through the first three chapters with an eye for these things and I suspect you'll catch half a dozen typos or so. Also, I believe the building you call the "Wachovia Tower" was actually called the "Wachovia Financial Center" if you want to use its proper name, and I don't believe that cars in 1926 had side mirrors, but I'm not positive about that and we can chalk it up to artistic license anyway.

Regardless, I'm very impressed with this story so far (for whatever little that's worth) and I look forward to reading more later today. view book

As a preliminary issue, I think you can tighten up your pitch a little bit:

"Claude Severin is oblivious to the dangers of his job as a male whore in [ ] 16th century France. He is oblivious to [ ] matters of his heart[,] but very aware of his poverty. A stranger [ ] offers to teach him how to read and write, and he snatches the opportunity [to] raise his station. [E]ducation and enlightenment[, however,] come at a mortal price...

The novel explores the shape of illicit love in a tight religious society, the meaning of brotherhood, the trappings of adulthood, and the demands of God and Man."

or

""Claude Severin is oblivious to the dangers of his job as a male whore in [ ] 16th century France. When a stranger [ ] offers to teach him how to read and write, he snatches the opportunity [to] raise his station. [E]ducation and enlightenment[, however,] come at a mortal price...

Take the suggested edits for what you will. That said, I think the first sentence of the pitch is excellent and strikes me as unique from the start. I shall read on. view book

I enjoyed Chapter 1. The opening paragraphs give us a nice glimpse of Jenny's character (the BMX; the shed; the generally independent spirit). I liked the detail about the socks in the slippers; I also liked the trick with the hair and the mirror and I look forward to seeing some more of Jake.

You seem fond of comma splices. I recommend you get a little more generous to the semi colon. Also, you have a typo in the phrase "get back AT Jake." I'm not a big fan of the "probably" paragraph. Specifically, I'm not a fan of your adverb placement or the "probably" in three consecutive sentences. Also, I didn't care for the very first sentence. I was concerned, upon reading that sentence, that I was in store for a chapter of purple prose, but after that first sentence your imagery became more delicate and more effective.

More importantly, you carried me into your book and brought me into Jenny's world with ease. You also set up nicely some intrigue with the big house and Mrs. Morgan and left me wondering what their place in the story will be. I shall read on.

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When are you going to post the review of this book? view book

I like your short pitch and long pitch a lot, so I've had this book on my watch list for a long time.

The writing in the first chapter, however, didn't leave me eager to read more. It seemed a bit wooden, as though the dialogue and imagery felt forced (e.g., the iron maiden t-shirt seems rammed in there, as does the bit about honky tonk; maybe one of them gets up and puts some music on the jukebox?). In other words, I was too aware that I was reading your book, rather than experiencing your characters' lives.

This may just be a matter of style and personal preference, so it's probably not worth the digital ink I'm writing it with, but, for example, I think the chapter might open up more naturally if you delete the first line outright and start with "Cheer up, mate." and then delete the rest of that sentence about the beer and the campus bar. The next line after that adequately describes the booth and the reader will learn where they are from the description. To me, this would be a more immediate and engaging opening. And give your readers' intelligence some credit, as well as some credit to yourself as a writer. Stated differently, allow your writer to make some inferences based on the details you provide. (i.e., the classic "show" us they're in the bar, don't tell us in the second line of the book). If this observation resonates with you, strive to incorporate the concept throughout the chapter. If it doesn't resonate with you, that's cool too. The dialogue is pretty good and sounds natural. Good luck with this. view book

The first chapter is polished and believable. The dialogue and scenes ring true (though I need to move to wherever it is that you can buy two beers, a shot of Jack, and a Coke, for only ten bucks; I'm guessing 1321 is not in South Beach, Santa Monica, or Greenwich Village). Also, the sentence towards the end of the first chapter about Deke's age seemed a bit wordy and awkward. Other than that, I enjoyed it. view book

I can't believe the HC reviewer called your writing "pretentious."

I'm shocked. view book

The beginning of your book is an absolute train wreck.

(Sorry if you've heard that one before; I couldn't help it)

The first chapter is very compelling. You introduce us to Jim who we can't help but cheer for from the very beginning. Not only does he strike us as thoughtful and capable, but he's instantly hurled into the role of local hero. Consequently, the first chapter accomplishes a lot in just a few words (i.e., builds an environment, introduces/develops a protagonist (as well as the young French woman), and builds conflict and intrigue (with both the crash itself and the unknown background of the young woman). Bravo.

Notwithstanding, I think there are a few things you can do to tighten up the first chapter.

For example, you have a tendency to omit commas from introductory words/clauses in sentences (e.g., "At length"; "Up close"; "For a moment"; "Woodenly"). There are several instances throughout the work. Perhaps these instances are intentional, but they caused me pause. There are other instances where you use commas or sentence fragments for a certain effect (e.g. "Townsmen approached them, hesitant, grim."; ) and they work for me, but the absence of commas after introductory clauses that would normally have them didn't work for me. That said, this is your book, not mine.

Similarly, with the introductory clause, "Jim recognized her," it seems to me that a colon, rather than a comma, would be the appropriate punctuation. Again, your book, not mine.

Likewise, your work contains several instances of passive voice (e.g., "there was shattered glass everywhere" as opposed to "shattered glass lay everywhere" or "shattered glass covered everything") or conditional past tense (e.g., "had started") rather than active voice or simple past tense. Again, I recognize that these instances may be conscious decisions, but I would have liked to see a bit less of it. Likewise, consider restructuring this sentence: "Around Jim were bruised . . . ." And take a look at the first and last lines of the paragraph about the firemen removing coal.

Another personal preference: I would have liked a few more gruesome images from the wreck (e.g., a few extra words about the burned-up coal stoker; perhaps the man writhing with a broken leg has a compound fracture that makes the reader wince because of a few more key, graphic words). I don't suggest you make the opening chapter a work of gore, but one or two more vibrant descriptions of carnage would make the opening chapter come even more alive than it already is.

In Ch. 2, I think "indigent" in "indigent patients?" should be capitalized.

I love this line: "the echoes of the encounter were exhausting" I know that feeling well. Such wasted emotion/energy, yet so human.

I think you should insert comma after "His father had to say" and after "Ball just wasn't on the ball" but I'm not certain.

Violet reminds me of Blanche Dubois. Should be interesting.

My favorite band, Phish, plays a song called "Bathtub Gin."

I'm glad Jim tends a garden/greenhouse. It adds to his already likable character. He develops beautifully in the opening chapters.

And, your reader already cares for Annette after we see her young heroism in the first chapter, but the readers cannot help but adore her when they find out about her recent family history and maturity and selflessness in the face of personal tragedy. Your ability to manipulate your reader's feelings vis a vis the characters is excellent (and I know "manipulate" sounds somewhat ugly, but I don't mean it in any ugly way).

This work is impressive. I know I haven't reached the real conflict yet, but the character development so far is top notch. I look forward to reading more soon. Backed and heavily starred.
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Some nitpicks from Ch.1

I'm not sure why each of the first several sentences are paragraphs. Unless I'm going for a certain effect, I try to have no less than three sentences in a paragraph. Also, you begin two out of the first three sentences with, "It was . . ." Strive to vary your sentence structure. Moreover, strive to avoid the "There is/there was/It is/It was" construction, for you can always find a more active, more precise way to express the same concept. For example, "We bounced down the road in my father's old pickup on a dull autumn morning" or "It took almost an hour to drive from our farm to Waverly."

I disapprove of your comma usage, but I recently participated in a big debate on comma use in the forums and I leave you to use your commas how you see fit. Notwithstanding, the paragraph about being crammed on the bench and the typical family group is structured in a strange way, not only from a punctuation standpoint, but also from a verb tense standpoint (i.e., you jump around from simple past tense to present tense and some conditional stuff too) (e.g., "Dad squeezed out . . . Mum would burst . . . . Then another long pregnant silence, Dad concentrating"). And that's just in the span of two sentences.

You touch on the idea that someone is going away, but we don't know who or why. Perhaps you want to build intrigue rather than provide the full back story, but it feels like one foot on each side of the fence to me (i.e., you're not concentrating on painting a scene and you're not concentrating on providing back story and you leave both elements dangling).

The run on sentence about the road, the road, the road, didn't work for me, especially as the varied time frames tend to negate each other. The idea is fine, but you don't need to repeat "the road" over and over, and you don't need to repeat the number of years in each clause.

Replace the period with a comma in "That group could do with a move to new pasture"

Another verb issue: You write, "Today, driving that same road was holding all his attention and concentration" becomes, "Today, however, driving that same road held all his attention." Moreover, it's not true. The road wasn't holding his concentration at all, as the next sentences demonstrates (i.e., what's holding his attention is his feelings that he doesn't know how to express).

Hyphenate "hard-earned."

I recommend that you go back through this and eliminate the early references to the narrator going away. Rather, show the reader the awkward truck ride and perhaps drop some references to father's inability to express himself. Don't reference son going away, however, until the arrival in the town. That way, you show the reader some tension by building a scene with images (i.e., brooding dad; mum putting her arm around son; maybe her head on son's shoulder to hide a tear, etc.). Once they arrive in town, you deliver the reader to the conflict and explain the voyage. I think you'll find it will present the opening in a more cohesive and satisfying manner.

Good luck with this. view book

I caught some things in Ch. 2 of Deep in the Cocoa:

Twice in rapid succession you tell the reader that Latchmin's mouth was turned down at the corners. Once is likely enough.

Be aware of how often you rely on the word "as." Strive to vary your sentence structure. Similarly, be aware of how often you use "had" when it's not necessary.

You wrote "uncontrollable." I think you mean "uncontrollably" but I'm not sure.

Hyphenate "hand-embroidered"

Be aware of passive voice. You use it twice, for example, in this sentence: "Any raw emotion he felt was being ploughed into the effort and energy he was expending into the axe and saw, chopping and sawing trees that had fallen in front of the house and across the road." Consider this: "He ploughed his raw emotion into the axe and saw, chopping and sawing trees that had fallen in front of the house and across the road." Regardless, strive to use the passive voice sparingly and deliberately.

You wrote "wondered" but I think you meant "wandered."

As we've discussed before, I think you need to work on punctuation. I won't cite all instances, but here's one: "Asha looked alarmed, Indrani smiled." That sentence is a comma splice. Replace the comma with a semi-colon. Here's another: "When he handed Indrani hers. He looked at her face." Replace the period with a comma and make the "H" lower case.

Hyphenate "devil-child."

I think you mean "whacked" instead of "wacked" but I realize there are spelling differences between American and English.

Another instance of seemingly unnecessary passive voice: "The road was expected to be blocked with all sorts" could become, "They expected the road to be blocked . . . ."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, the imagery continues to impress. Also, the dialogue is great in that you so ably capture the characters' manner of speaking.

Lastly, consider deleting the first sentence of the chapter and begin with "Daylight did not lie." For me, that's a stronger first sentence. Indeed, it's a short, punchy, stark and powerful line that needs no introduction after the first chapter soaked the reader in the terrible night's storm. view book

I just read the first chapter of The Lorestone. The writing itself is polished to perfection.

I have not read much fantasy, but this was a breeze to read. The word "exile" in the first sentence is immediately compelling and builds intrigue, just as the phrase "servant's rags" in the next paragraph is vivid and paints a vibrant scene. Also, I appreciated Derryth and the importance of the trees. I don't know if wise, old trees are common elements in fantasy books, but I very much enjoyed this element of your opening. And it has roots (pun intended) all the way back to classic works of literature. You also do a great job of setting up what appears to be the major conflict of your book (i.e., Elgiva's struggle to survive by fitting in with a different race towards which she has preconceived notions). This is fine work. Based on this first chapter alone I've given you lots of stars and I look forward to reading more soon.

P.S. I don't think that the feel of slabs of cold stone would whisk me off to sleep, as I think they would jolt me awake. Now slabs of sun-drenched stone, on the other hand, sounds like a warm, dozy feeling that I could nod off to. Like a cat napping in the sun on a stone bench. Just a thought. view book

Mark,

I think your pitch is very compelling. I noticed that in the first full paragraph of the prologue you use the passive voice twice in a situation that doesn't really call for it. Some people think any use of the passive voice is a mistake, but I'm not one of those people. I think when you use it sparingly and deliberately it can be very effective, especially when you intentionally want to shift the focus of the sentence away from the actor. Here, however, I think you might be better off with a more active construction so early in the book. Thus,

"Angelina is sitting at her writing desk at home" becomes "Angelina sits at her writing desk" (I'm not sure the "at home" adds much either). If you're concerned that a reader might misconstrue the action (i.e., that she sits down rather than has been there a while), you can combine the first two sentences (i.e., "Angelina sits at her writing desk as the printer rolls . . . ")

Likewise, "Her hand is shaking . . . " becomes "Her hand shakes . . ."

If you're wed to those instances of passive voice, by all means keep them. That said, some readers (including prospective agents and editors) might judge you as amateurish and discount what is otherwise a compelling read.

Regardless, I wish you nothing but the best with this book. view book

The imagery in the opening scene is vivid and drops me right into the middle of the NM desert. That said, you can tighten up the grammar/punctuation a bit.

For example, you're missing "a" in "and year's worth of dirt."

Likewise, in the next sentence, rather than a vague reference to the "owner" you should name him. Naming him also allows you to improve the overall structure of the sentence. You could write something like, "For Hubba, it was a badge of honor that reflected his commitment to the off-road lifestyle."

Hyphenate "shoulder-length"

Also consider breaking the last sentence of that same paragraph into two sentences or otherwise tinker with it to improve the flow. To that end, I'm not sure the reference to their age is important (at least not yet) and we already know there are three of them. As written, these details bog the sentence down. Consider starting the sentence with " Wind blew through their shoulder-length hair . . ." Then replace the "and" with "as."

The "fleeting freedom" is a nice sentiment and nice alliteration, but it pulls the reader away from the scene and it's unnatural if we're going to experience the scene from the characters' point of view. In other words, they may be reveling in fleeting freedom, but they're probably not thinking deeply about reveling in fleeting freedom, right?

I like the second paragraph a lot (and I think it would allow you to eliminate the marijuana reference from the first paragraph). That said, I don't think you clench a joint between your teeth. Not only would it mess the joint up, but you wouldn't be able to inhale any smoke. Maybe he pressed it between his lips?

Also, I realize that slang changes meaning from place to place and time to time, but around me, jones doesn't mean what you used it to mean. Rather, "jones" used as a verb has a craving, junkie-like connotation (e.g., I'm jonesing for a Big Mac; I'm jonesing for a cigarette). "bogart" is a verb people use to talk about hogging a joint. Again, maybe it's a regional thing. Lastly, cheeks don't puff out when you inhale, they suck in. So the imagery of the squirrel is vibrant, but it seems inaccurate.

Notwithstanding these details, the scene is very believable and comes alive with all of the strong imagery and dialogue. Good luck with this. view book

I find your subject matter fascinating and the opening lines of the prologue were compelling, but I lost interest fairly quickly. For me, it was a matter of style.

As a general proposition, the prologue is not punctuated well (see, e.g., the first three sentences of the second paragraph). Perhaps the unconventional grammar/punctuation is a part of your voice, but I found it off-putting (though I appreciated the action and sentiment conveyed in that second paragraph).

The third paragraph is just too vague. It uses a lot of words to say that "last time" was bad and no one knew what to expect. That idea is easily conveyed, however, in one sentence.

Also, I think you should use exclamation marks a bit more sparingly. Likewise, avoid expressions like "the fact that" (especially twice in the same sentence), for it adds nothing. Indeed, there are many wasted words, cliches, etc. in the prologue that pull the reader out of an otherwise dramatic scene. Likewise, you use too many phrases in each sentence and use too many commas, which stilts the flow. Moreover, it's the idea of repeating the same ideas/thoughts over and over again. Find the best way to express that it was scary and chaotic, yet you found you could act despite the fear/chaos and say it just once. Otherwise, you convey two things to the reader: 1) you don't use words judiciously and 2) either you don't have confidence in yourself to express a given idea OR you don't have confidence in your reader to understand what you're saying. Believe in both yourself and your reader.

Notwithstanding, this is just one reader's opinion and I wish you nothing but the best with this project. view book

I just read the first chapter of Bound. The writing itself is polished to perfection. I found not one typo or grammatical mistake. Also, the notion of the cords, or connection to her other "family" strikes me as a novel idea. That said, I don't read the fantasy genre, so I don't know if this topic has been explored in other books. Regardless, you handle it deftly and I enjoyed this opening even though I don't generally enjoy this genre. The first paragraph was excellent (and for a second there I thought I was meeting a conjoined twin). The last part of the chapter is also compelling with the futile suicide attempt. And in between you do a good job developing the narrator and her situation. Well done. view book

Nature plundered nature.

What a great line. And what a vivid paragraph that line appears in. And what an opening chapter!

First I was wet. Then I was windblown. Then I was covered in mud. I was with your characters in that storm. I felt their fear.

I don't always agree with your sentence structure and comma use (go figure), but your ability to paint this place is extraordinary. Very well done. I'll comment again after I read chapter two. view book

I enjoyed this. You write very well. I particularly liked some of your descriptions (e.g., the psychedelic bazaar), but it moved a bit too slow for me. Today's world, and therefore its literature, moves so fast. The internet, DVRs, 3G networks, etc. Your book claims a time and pace that is hard to stay patient with in my environment and I found myself skipping large sections, but everywhere I landed, I enjoyed the writing. Nonetheless, for me, the book requires a little more action, a little more editing, and a little less self-indulgence. Why would anyone care what the narrator had for his proverbial breakfast? It seems to me these three chapters should be whittled down by 2/3. I suspect my book suffers the same infirmities. Regardless, I think you should lose the italics in the first chapter. The second and third chapters are much easier on the eyes. Likewise, the first letter of each chapter may look nice on the printed page when it's separated from the rest of the word as some printers are apt to do, but it just looks funny on Authonomy. This comment is worth about as much as you paid for it.

RMK

P.S. You have this tagged as literary fiction and non-fiction. How exactly does that work? view book

I began this novel, but had a difficult time getting through it. I agree with many of the things that Mary wrote in her comment. In addition to the grammatical issues, I found the prose was somewhat inaccessible and I had a difficult time orienting myself from one scene to the next. I often felt as though the narrator was holding out on me in that I didn't have all the information I needed to understand where I was or what was happening. Perhaps that was intentional, but I found it dampened my desire to get further into the book. Also, I think you should try to tell your story from only one character's point of view. Multiple point of views can work, but it takes skill and practice and I don't get the impression you've done it as a conscious choice (e.g., the book starts off from the girl's point of view, but then we're suddenly being told what the father was thinking). As a result, I felt like I was being tossed about like a rag doll. Also, the first couple of paragraphs seemed contrived and added little. I would start with the memory rather than the present. Notwithstanding, it seems you have fascinating material to work with. Good luck with this. view book

So polished. So fast. So vibrant. So clever. So sorry I didn't read this long ago. view book