I read the prologue and chapter one. Felt the prologue was too rushed, needed more depth -- especially some beats around the dialogue. Chapter one was great, slow and with beautiful imagry. I love the idea of the snow falling over the condemned garage and his wanting it to fall on his father. I felt like I knew the character and the setting. The dialogue too is much better in chapter one, interspersed with beats and layers of descriptions. I can certainly support this for a while, if only to remember to come back to read more. view book

First Term at
Sarah Monoghan
What a very sweet premise, I'm sure a lot of children will love this. I'd be curious to know how long this book is, as it definitely is important on the children's books to keep it on the short side. I totally saw images in my head as I was writing it, and think there could be some marvelous pictures with this as well. I see this marketed to 7-10 year olds, is this what you had in mind? From the names of your birds, to their dialogue, this just has what it needs to keep the kids interested. I like this enough to support it, but I will leave it up to you to let me know when.

Minor fixes:
flame red breast should be flame-red breast.
This sentence needs more commas: “everything fruffles said was true” comma after next and hatchling – or consider breaking it up into two sentences.
This sentence needs some commas or some help “fruffles worried that if baby bird found this out...”
I feel this sentence is a bit too long and ackward too “baby bird swollowed the worm and breathed in deeply...”

Like I said, this is great, I really love it. I think you need to have shorter sentences, or break them up with commas because of your audience. They might have trouble reading the longer more complex sentences. Good luck here! view book

Delicious Moments
Suzanne Morosini
Why does Eat Pray Love come to mind? Anyway, that's a very popular book, so it's probably a good thing that it does. And I love food, so I think you are on your way with a very commercial idea. I started at chapter 4 and liked it very much. I wonder what your motive is for being here, as I don't see much feedback from you, so I can only guess you don't want feedback in return. Please let me know if you do, because I think I can offer you suggestions. view book

Isabel
Karen Rosario
I love your premise, very matrix meets the truman show. When reading it, I felt like I was taken into a fairy tail from my youth, the writing is very similar. You have a very unique story and a nice way of telling it. The details you put into the unicorn siting are wonderful, and I”m glad you spent some time with it, rather than rushing on. I also like the transition into the school and lessons. I think you have a great idea, great plot, and a great character. I would like to see more, and I have some suggestions below.

These are some suggestions that you may or may not consider:

I wasn't sure of the age of Isabel at first. She felt a little on the young side (like 12) maybe just a little reference to her age, or something.
You take the POV of the unicorn here “when the animal saw the girl” and I don't think you want to be in its head – watch out for POV switches, they can be tricky.
You don't have to say 'she whispered to herself' we know it's to herself, remove that part.
I felt this section took me out of the narrative “I doubht very much that you will have seen...” the narrator speaking to the reader is icky IMHO
There are a few paragraphs that felt too long, too wordy, maybe trim them down to their essential meaning?
We only have one character in the first chapter, I would like to get to know some others in the beginning, her father, a professor, someone else maybe? It feels very passive after the unicorn, make it more active.
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The Avenging Buddha
Steve Bailey
I love the premise of your story. Your MC, a brash man, maybe not too likeable until he turns his life around after his wife dies. You paint a very vivid picture of Thailand, your descriptions are vivid and succinct. From reading your profile, I can tell you drew on your experiences—I wonder how many of them—the perfect heist maybe? I love the scene between the husband and wife—it's very touching and sad, knowing what will happen. The only suggestion I could offer you, is to add some dialogue tags, I wasn't sure who was speaking sometimes, even add a few beats between the dialogue, so it's not too dialoguey. Anyway, thanks for taking me away for a while, I plan to come back for more. Also, if you ever want to get to the ed's desk, let me know and I'll hoist you up on my shelf. view book

Course of Mirrors
Ashen Venema
General: I love your pitch, especially this phrase “a hazardous search for The Real” it inspires something else right away—especially after I read the quote by Ruskin. You have a solid grasp of first person, not too many 'I's in your sentences—I find this hard to do as well. I could say much more, like I love your attention to detail, your narrator's voice, you plot, etc. But, to fill a page of comments with compliments is not too helpful.

Some minor suggestions below:

first paragraph, this sentence: 'not a leaf stirred, ideal conditions” I think it conditions should be singular, maybe 'an ideal condition'
“a design sent by my spirit friend, in a dream” do you need a comma there?
“back in my room I unpacked my...” I think you need a comma here: room, I
The italics at the end of chapter 1 – I felt was too much information dump.

If you really want to submit this, I would suggest getting a copyeditor to look at it. I've used them before, and found them wonderfully helpful.
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You have a very clever idea, interesting voice and great way with words. My biggest nitpik is #2 below, as at times it was hard to read because of the multiple ideas in your sentences. I will come back and read this again if you polish it, because I definitely think it has a lot of potential, but I don't feel like it's quite back-worthy yet. I am a picky girl!

suggestions:

1. the first sentence uses the word that twice, remove one.

2. this is a run-on sentence, break it up: "the silence reassured him..." in fact, the next sentence after that is a run on too, I see this as a re-occuring issue -- you might want to take a look at the HC review of my other book, the editor points out several run ons there too and other grammar issues, I think we have the same kinds of problems.


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Interesting plot, kept me reading. Well written, definitely deserves to be in the top five. likeable main character, I feel like I know her.

some minor suggestions:

sweat stained tee shirt covered torso -- awkward sentence, it sounds like the torso was sweat stained. Also, in that same paragraph, I don't think you need all those questions. I'm not too fond of questions in writing, I like to let the reader do that.

I also didn't feel it was quite real that the stranger with a rifle would all of a sudden be 'fear filled' when he saw her gun. He seemed like a pretty tough guy, maybe more surprised? I don't think he would back down so quickly.

The final bit of advice I can give you is that some of your paragraphs are too short. I think they can be combined.

Anyway, good luck here and if I see you slipping from the top, I'll support you. I don't have room on my shelf right now. view book

general comments: first off, I like your title, it has a bit of humor in it, how can something be just a little evil -- and by your synopsis I see that it is not. I like the idea of the sick taliban soldiers and how the sniper detects them -- this immediately sets up the action and the plot. I like how you give us patrick's point of view and portray his external and internal feelings. This feels very much like Steven King in a good way --

by your comments, I know you are open to feedback, so here are some suggestions:

your first sentence felt like it should be in a screenplay, like some kind of direction, maybe you dont need it?
in the first paragraph, i would lose the word Fancy, that word should be used for a tea party, not a sniperscope.
the sentence beginning 'in the middle of a ...' doesn't feel like a complete sentence, in fact i saw a few of these, nothing a good polish cant fix.
watch beginning too many sentences with patrick or he, change it up a bit. view book

zan, you're on my shelf, will comment more when I have time. view book

I love your attention to detail and how you concentrate on the slightest detail, like the brick. Your dialogue is well interspersed with beats and believable. You have a very interesting plot and I feel the suspense, which makes me want to read on. Good job.

If I could offer a suggestion, it would be to look at your punctuation or sentence structure. I am no expert here (by a looong shot) but some of your sentences felt like they could use a comma, or maybe a rewording. Like this sentence "The ceiling rose a little, and the walls extended side to side, lined with large shelves." I know the walls extend side to side, because that's what walls do. I think you mean 'and the walls were lined with large shelves from side to side." Anyway, I'm sure a polish would help smooth out the rough spots, and there are not many of them. view book

There are so many clever phrases in this, it would take all day to mention. Some of my favorites, "a rumor he spread himself" and "he synchronized his hopping with the plant in the corner and they fell out the door together." It's been a while since I've read a Cuthbert adventure, and while the humor has always been there, this one seems to flow much smoother into an enjoyable story. Your attention to detail is great and you really set the mood. If I could offer one suggestion, it would be to make the chapters a little longer, they are a bit short.
ttl
KFran view book

Sly, interesting way to tell the story of a thriller, not my usual genre, but I liked the idea of meeting the subject and the killer back and forth. The writing is solid and clear and I never felt confused. My only complaint is that there is no emotion, this is just a list of activities and dialogue if you will. I hope I can make myself clear, I think this has loads of potential- and i've already backed it. But, I don't think your charatures are developed enough - they felt a bit flat, flawless. even a cold blooded killer has a flaw. even superman had clark kent, batman was depressed -- thinking you have a good anti-hero, just make him a little more life like and I'm sold! view book

Thanks for resurecting the excalibur myth, one of my favs! Backed for sure! view book

I love the title of your story -- more than that, I love the content of your story. You have a wonderful ability of taking us into a world that not many have experienced and making it real. You've also created universal characters that we all can relate to. Your writing is solid, a joy to read. That is why you are on my shelf!
K view book

Another one of my favorite eras in history. I just got done reading a story in roman times, now I go to Arabia - let me tell you how much I love this land. I spent some time in Jordan and the images your story conjured up reminded me of that trip. I love stories with horsemen and scimitars, yours is wonderful. That is why it resides nicely on my shelf!
cheers
KFran view book

What an awesome heroine you created! I love her strength and her ability to show fear, alot of women should be able to relate to her. Awesome job! view book

This is so much fun -- even your opening line had me laugh. There's something so funny about the juxtaposition of once upon a time and a thirty three year old woman. That just tickled me. Yes, it continues as I read abou the overweight black cat and more. I can see why this is doing so well. shelved. view book

Backed after reading three chapters. Based on descriptions and plot. Hooked with the writing. view book

Sandie, thank you for writing a traditional fantasy, love it. My eyes have been so tired reading urban fantasy, that I found myself lost in your world. Good job. view book