In answer to your Comment on my book.

It was a joint effort, but the words are Maddalena's. I tried changing quite a bit, but she was determined that it was written as it is. It is her story told her way with as much or as little detail as she was prepared to give. So your suggestions about 'making it more dramatic' or asking 'what the other solidiers did' is not something that can be addressed.

I also note that you had very little to say about content, but rather concentrated on style and technicalities.

Nevertheless, I thank you for taking the time to comment, but there won't be a re-write, as you suggest, as Maddelana is very happy and I am content with a rate of sales of around 30 a week.
Alice

[Comments on Maddalena]
Was this book written (Dictated?) by Maddalena? Hard to believe that Alice Haro “… an experienced writer … professional journalist, copywrighter and general word-smith…” would post such an imperfect manuscript as “Maddalena.” If Maddalena is the real author then the author credit should read “by Maddalena (as told to Alice …)’ If so, then the nature of relationship should be explained. How did you meet? Where did she talk? Did you take notes? Recording? How much did you change her story? Etc.

I heed your “WARNING: I give honest reviews!!!” So here it goes.

Better title may be “Maddalena’s Story”

[THE TRAIN TO HELL Is this an INTRODUCTION?]
- Title is not quite right. “Hell” is overused in describing horrors and suffering during war(s).
- Do you mean “… borne before 1924” rather than after?
- {Avoid Passive Voice} re-write: “Nobody dared disobey such an order from the ruling Fascist Party.’
- When first mentioning mother it would be helpful to say “My widowed mother and I…” as otherwise a reader may be wondering where is father at this point in the story.
- “…we discovered…” How? Did somebody tell you? Phone you?
- “… to try and stop him leaving…” but at the end of Para#1 you said “had been taken to Germany…”
- “My Mother and I…” repeats from previous sentence
- Could they just hop on “…the next available train.”? I would’ve thought that at that late stage in war Italians needed permits to travel by train.
- What “…else was forgotten.”?
- “…we were soon to learn …” I wouldn’t think they would go all the way to Bolzano unless they already knew that was the place of the transit camp.
- “My mother was extremely upset …” What else could she be?
- “… not been informed…” Would she had been less upset if she was informed?
- “Coming to a screeching halt, we all ran …” Did “we” come to a screeching halt?
- “…opened fire time and again..” Suggest re-write “…low flying planes strafed the stationary train …”
- “A few German soldiers returned fire …” What did the other soldiers do?
- “Finally the train was finally…”
- Avoid passive voice: “… effect repairs were undertaken.” By whom?
- “… being loaded …” How? With a front end loader? May be you want to say “being herded”?
- “As we walked … there was a disturbance …” What kind of disturbance? Did some men try to escape? Did the guards beat somebody up? This could be quite dramatic.
- “… she had identified as the German officer in charge …” Impossible that she would be allowed to get that close to an officer. The incredulity of this situation makes the rest of the discussion with the officer unbelievable.
- “…silence rested in the air.” This must be an Italian idiom?

The section above the break (*********) seems to have been added on advice of a reviewer to provide a better “hook” to grab and hold a reader. It has failed to do that. In addition to many stylistic problems (some of which have been mentioned above) the section lacks excitement. The officer-in-charge tells them that Pietro has already been transported and sends them home. And they go home. Suddenly, all the tension has vaporized.


[Chapter One: IGNORANCE IS BLISS]

Writing in this chapter is much better.

- “Home for me, since I was born …” Awkward. If she was born in February, would her home been somewhere else?
- It would help at the end of the first sentence to locate Lugo better. (East of Bologna, Not far from the Adriatic, North-eats of Florence, or similar)
- “…flavours and smells…: What were they? Why mention them at all?
- “Above all…” and later “…above all else.” Are the same thing in the same sentence.
- “The explanation for this busy household…” Do you mean to say “The reason our household was so busy…”?
- “…exceptionally talented…” Is there such a thing as “unexceptionally talented”?
- “I had no idea that it had been any different.” Incomplete sentence. What is “it”?
- “I also didn’t question …” but you explained earlier that mother had to teach because father’s business “had faltered” (collapsed?)
- Giovinezza was a stirring national anthem and a good tune but giving the words here is unnecessary.
-
[Chapter two: DRAMATIC CHANGES]

Too much history in Ch.2 Civil-war?
- “motivated into speaking” ?
- When describing horrors of war one has to be careful not to exaggerate: “Whole villages were murdered…”
- And where was Pietro during all this?
- Inconsistent: Flora and Lorenzo’s family had farm animals and food. Only 12 km from “war torn Lugo”?
- “The penalties were severe…” used too often

A General Comment: Naming some of the Fascist oppressors would give them some personality. As is, they appear as faceless cartoon figures.
The writing, at the end of Chapter six, stops suddenly. There is no resolution, no conclusion only question. What happened to Pietro. What was the response to liberation and the end of war. What happened to mother?

I just realized that only a part of the book has been posted. Confused by statement at the end of the intro pitch that “My book is complete @ 20k words.

It should be clear from the above comments that Maddalena’s Story needs a thorough re-write.

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I am known, and I am determined to continue, to give honest reviews, so your book is no different. The problem is I am struggling to give anything but praise. This is a well-paced, intricately woven story with depth and intrigue. The details and the character-build cannot be faulted. It is rare for me to say, I will buy a book on here, but that is what I will do with Slow Poison.
The only suggestion for improvement I can make for the beginning of the book is that make it a little easier for the reader to get into the swing of the changing time-frames. For example, the diary, give it a better intro when it first appears. It still works without it, but I found myself flipping back to get a handle of the various switches. Once I had them in my head, then I was fine, but, as the say, never make the reader work too hard.

Congratulations of an excellent piece of work.

Alice
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This is an intriguing premise and an exciting tale. Kabe very quickly becomes a real and likeable little boy with very real challenges. The relationships are believable, especially his grandfather who fills a very important emotional gap in his life. Then the threat of that important crutch being withdrawn makes you worry for the boy. This is very well done, as is slight confusion with the world of adults around him which would be typical of a boy of this age.
I particularly liked the paragraph in chapter one that starts: ' Kabe asked lots of questions and Papaw answered………….. For a conversation between a blind boy and loving grandfather, it shines, and what clever and convincing examples the old man gives to enable the boy to 'see' what is around them.

There are some points I would like to raise, that I believe would improve certain aspects:
I think the story starts too slowly. The reader needs to be engaged and be drawn in as quickly as possible or you will lose them. It is not by chance that many books start with a bang, and then double back with a calmer second chapter and a bit of background. I think chapter one would make a good chapter two in this respect.
I wondered what age group you were aiming at. The language used, and the concepts presented, would suggest around 8/9/10 years. If so, the rather deliberate sentence structure would suggest a younger target age on occasions.
2nd Para Perhaps ' …..in a dedicated classroom with a special needs teacher. Or, perhaps, a specially adapted classroom with a teacher trained to teach the blind.
You tell us twice that it is Thursday and Friday that the free-time and fun happened. Maybe drop the second Thursday and Friday.
Also, watch out for stating the obvious in this paragraph and other places. For example, you clarify that things are happening in school a great deal in this paragraph. We know it is in school, so maybe drop a couple as I think it would flow better. The other example I would give is when Papaw whispers into Kabe's ear……where else would he whisper?
Are you using brackets too often to explain things? For example: Kabe and Troy would often gang up and chase Meg around Papaw's property (Troy would lead Kabe by the hand)….Maybe: Kabe and Troy would often gang up and chase Meg around Papaw's property, with Troy leading Kabe by the hand…..
Children are very smart, so I wonder if the section where Papaw creates 'a couple of constellations' with marshmallows on toothpicks, on a rocking boat, and then holds these above Kabe's head for him to feel them, is possible? It certainly sounded impossible to me. Of course, if Papaw turns out to be super-human later on, and not a very old man, then this would be fine.
As I said at the outset - great premise, real human situation portrayed very well.
Good luck with it
Alice

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Club Agatha Review
Nice pace, intrigue from the get-go, believable characters (well, Malcolm at this stage) and a plot that makes you want to know what happens next. Your descriptions are vivid, cleverly constructed and the tension of Malcolm's run, and then escape, is excellent. I shared Malcolm's near drowning, almost tasted that disgusting water. I felt the awful revulsion of the bloated corpse.
In chapter two, I particularly liked this Para: 'But, what if he hadn't been out there? He asked…….…etc. This is such a clever use of words here to convey complex emotions and give us an immediate insight into the father son relationship.
So, well done! I have backed your book on the strength of this.
I also would like to share some nit picks - that is all they are, together with a few style comments, but you may find them useful.
You represent cockney well, so when one of the boys says: 'Oill go round and head him off', I felt it should have read 'ead im orf'
I would replace 'lower limbs' with legs - it seemed contrived.
'More and more dampness glistened on the bricks' This made me ask: "What bricks?" Maybe I missed something. Just seemed a throw away sentence.
I would state it is a corpse once it bumps him, it makes it more grisly, and then perhaps change this sentence to: 'Gripping the boat's rail, he tried to kick closer into position, but the bloated cadaver seemed determined to stick to him.'
As this is set in London, maybe you should use English spelling, rather than American, to make it more believable.
You use the word 'lad' for a boy. I came from London and I would have thought it was 'boy'. I associate 'lad' with the North of England, which is where I live now. I know it comes from 'Jack the lad', and that is a London expression, so I may be wrong. Men also referred to boys as 'son' when they had an avuncular relationship as Joe has with Malcolm.
All the best
Alice

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Agatha Review
I am on here in the hope I get honest feedback. Because I value this, I give my reviews in the same way. I hope you can appreciate that and view the following as such.
Overall I felt the gloom and threat and the atmosphere building nicely. Your style reminds me of Agatha Christie's Poirot. In fact, it would make a good script for a TV drama of this type. I love the way you have death coming closer by the measurement of feet.
But, as I said above, I want to be helpful so you can improve on what you have done. I have given examples, and why I think they need looking at more closely.
1st Para:
'An owl screeched outside of a window, a gloomy reminder that Death was nearby.' Why would an owl screeching indicate that death was nearby?
At first, I thought there were two people moving down the corridor. Is this the impression you wanted to give? If so, it perhaps doesn't fit with the fact that the murderer came into the study through a secret panel.
4th Para
'Next to the burning candle, an ornamental vase filled with dead flowers sat.' This is an example of several sentences that are badly constructed. Maybe this should this read: - 'Next to the burning candle sat an ornamental vase filled with dead flowers.'
5th Para
'Darkness greeted him beckoning him to enter. 'Does darkness beckon? It is apt to repel most people.
'The recognizable creak of the closing door made the man realize he had stepped into his study.' As he used the key for the study, wouldn't he already know where he was?
6th Para
'From the window a full moon shone brightly behind the clouds bathing the room in a soft pale glow.' You have contradicted yourself about the room being dark.
8th Para
'Looking down, the man sighed as he noticed his scuffed shoes.' Would you be able to see scuffs on shoes in what is being portrayed as either darkness or very poor light?
9th Para
'An untrimmed beard grew on his wrinkle dominated face, a mark left by the harsh world.' Mark would indicate just one wrinkle - should it be marks?
10th Para
'If age did not catch you, Death surely would.' I am not sure this makes sense. It is the same thing really.
The Letter
'Dear Inspector,
My dearest apologies for summoning you at short notice, but a depressing matter has befallen my family. I was recommended by a friend to contact you as, I have heard, you are good at solving a mystery. My brother was murdered yesterday, shot from behind in the head. Since his body was not found until the early morning, I suspect the murder happened near the end of the party the night before.' I think the dearest is too personal for a letter of this type - maybe replace with 'earnest'. Big assumption by the writer about when he thought the murder took place just because it was found in the morning. Maybe this is a clue; otherwise, I think it needs amending.
Quick Fire 'others'
You can't be 'slightly average' - you are either average or you are not.
Observing the R on the briefcase appears unnecessary - if it is a clue, then leave, otherwise remove all such extras.
'treaded' across the room should be 'trod'
You use 'popped' too often - try replacing one or two.
Quaint means 'Charmingly odd, especially in an old-fashioned way'. Your use of it to describe the town is at odds with the gloomy picture you paint.

An overall observation, and assumption, if you like, is that you have tried to use more complicated and varied words and mechanisms for effect, but that they don't come naturally to your style. Write from the heart and, as many writers would advise, as though you are speaking to someone. Your writing will then be natural, flow a lot better and be less contrived.

I hope these observations have been useful.
Good luck
Alice
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Louis, thanks for your backing.
I take note of your comment about telling, not showing. I find that this is my style. I think it is possibly being a journalist for so many years. It is a style adopted by other crime writers, for example, Martina Cole, and it seems to have served her pretty well. So, I am hoping it will do the same for me.
Thanks again - very good of you to back me anyway.
Alice

I'm backing the book, but I worry that too much exposition (telling, not showing) might mar an otherwise good story.

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This is an original and a highly entertaining read. How many times have we all wished we could write the scenes of famous historical encounters? You have done this admirably.
I like your style and your main character is believable and commands attention. I felt myself rooting for him and hoping he would prevail.
Great!!

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A clear talent here. You write effortlessly and draw the reader in very nicely.
I am quite sure this is not your first attempt as you are so obviously skilled at this craft.
Welcome to this site. It is not all good or bad on here - a mix of both. You just have to take a lot of what you hear on the forums with a large doe of salt or avoid the more obnoxious threads altogether.
Good luck
Alice view book

Thank goodness I changed all those errors in my published book.
Should really update what I have on here.
Thanks for your comments - will look at your work ASAP.
Alice

I read your introduction and first chapter.

General comments: A moving start. Maddalena is a tough, resilient person. Her story is finely drawn and well-textured. Haunting imagery. Stunning sense of time and place. Plenty of tension. Nice pacing.

Specific comments on the introduction:
1) 'So, she bravely squared-up to the man that we had identified as the German officer in charge ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'who' for people.
2) 'Before the war reached Lugo, our Street, Via Cento, had been like ... ' 'Street' should be lowercase.
3) ' ... as war closed-in on a busy, productive and close-knit neighboured.' 'Neighboured' should be 'neighbourhood.'
4) 'We were going to stay with an old and very dear friend of my mothers.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The motto of the Blackshirts was 'Me ne frego' (I do not care)' Period after the closing parentheses mark.
2) ' ... the Blackshirts would rough-up any adult that did not sing it with vigor ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
3) 'And, I only learned in later years about my parent's differing views about ... ' Parent's (singular possessive) should be parents' (plural possessive).
4) 'There was the wonderful smell of linen boiling in a huge cauldron ... ' When you mention smell, try to characterize it. What was this smell? Was it floral, like roses? Was it a lemon aroma? A sharp chlorine smell? When you characterize the smell, you'll plunge the reader deeper into the scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Alice.

Al

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I have read the first page of you submission, and I am hooked. I am intrigued by your use of the truth as the subject matter for fiction. I have done this with my latest book.
You writing skill is undeniable and I was drawn into you work very easily.
I have WL you book and will read the other pages before commenting fully, but if the rest is as good as the first page, I will be engrossed.
Is the book finished? view book

A huge compliment from someone that, by virtue of your qualifications as an Historian, is far more likely to know what you are talking about.
Thank you so much.
Alice

An amazing and thought provoking work told from a unique and little considered side of history. Excellent work Alice, good luck.

Jack

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I wasn't aware you were a teacher, and that I was here to learn from you.

It is staggering that you have made an assumption that Maddalena justifies the behaviour of Mussolini or Hitler when you haven't read the book! She does no such thing.

But having said that, 'real' war experiences are not like Hollywood; there are/were no straight-down-the-line 'goodies' and 'baddies'. Sometimes baddies are/were a bit good, and sometimes all those 'John Wayne ' heroes that you have been indoctrinated to believe only behaved impeccably, did/do some bad stuff.

Virtually the whole book is dialogue - she is telling her story.

Maddalena and I are very happy that the 1,000 + purchases of the book so far, and the numerous emails of praise, are a pretty good reflection on how well this book has been received.

It is sometimes a good idea to put your ingrained prejudice aside and see how someone else viewed these momentous events without being so judgemental, especially as Maddalena actually lived through it.

Also, for reference, Maddalena has had complete editorial control. This is her story.

"So in actuality you've learned nothing - I mean don't you think the beginning of a book is important? This is what hooks the reader. This is what makes them read or buy the book. In my comments I made a number of valid points that I thought would help to make this a better read. So really what you are saying is that I should read the entire book in the hope of coming to some dialogue etc - I've just realised you are the person that wrote that Hitler was quite a good person in the beginning, the same as Mussolini. Eh? Do you think they just suffered from a bad press and that deep down they were just simply misunderstood? With comments like that which, I find offensive, I think that just about sums up your ineptitude to grasp what the Second World War was about. You are the person that is responsible for the telling of this woman's life story - it is a pity you cannot take a position in the background - it is not about you, it is about her. - Mick

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I think perhaps you need to read the whole book, as you are referring only to the introduction (not the first chapter in the book), which sets the scene of time and place.
This is a personal account from Maddalena, her thoughts, her take on the the life she lived (be that the reference to 1984 or otherwise). Given the feedback I have received thus far from readers of the whole book, I believe that the book does indeed give much of what you are looking for - an inroduction cannot hope to do that.
But, anyway, despite your limited knowledge of the book, I thank you for stopping by.
Alice

Your book, in this first chapter, seems confused to me, an hotch-potch of ideas and memories, with bursts of historical references to what life was like firstly, in fascist Italy and then secondly, under the jackboot of German Nazis in the north. Then you finish off with a reference to Orwell's 1984, although I don't seem to recall Newspeak, and Doublethink, being part of Mussolini's ideaology, thuggery and brutality yes. 1984 is a symbolic book of the horrors of totalitarianism and was actually written with Stalin's USSR in mind. I fully understand, in my own limited fashion, what you are trying to say. It was indeed a dark period in Italian history, as it was in the world, and to a degree it shows the brain-washing technics to make a nation docile, conform, obey, and hate. (I might add all of these are still relevant in this day and age) I think my principal problem is that you are continuosly telling us what happened and not showing us. It seems a very modern take on this woman's life. It doesn't feel as if its come from 1940's Italy, but is more akin to your perspective. There is no dialogue. It's like watching a newsreel. I want my senses awakened. The smells, the sounds, the bands, the parades, the crunching of the jack boots, Mussolini's speeches - Italy marching to war and the fear of those people who disagreed - the Communists, the trade unionists, the Socialists, the good-hearted people who knew in their hearts this was wrong - where are they? Mick

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James
Thanks for you time and trouble reading the small sample of my book. Your grammar is excellent, and I found that very useful.

My book is, as I mention, based on Maddalena's memories and experiences. However, she wanted me to 'set the scene' a little by giving a wider view of the war. She is looking back, so I believe her reference to World war Two is correct. Also, Italian propaganda showed war as ongoing from 1939. These newsreels were probably phoney, but again, these are Maddalena's memories and understanding at the time.

It is interesting that you question the Italian's knowledge of the German's inhumanity. Like a lot of people at that time, particularly in the west, the true horror of the Nazi regime was not really accepted. Hitler put on a good show. Or, as Maddalena said, they heard things, but they were thought to be grossly exaggerated as they couldn't possibly be true.

As for Mussolini being a racist, not true in his early years of rule, according to history, Maddalena and other Italians I have spoken to. He spoke up for and defended the Italian Jews initially. Having said that, he certainly became everything he was eventually hated for, but like Hitler, he was a good guy to start with and did a great deal to improve life in Italy.

Although it was known that Hitler had a hatred of Jews, by those that read books about such things, what he was actually 'doing' about that during the war wasn't. As you say, the west didn't know the full extent of this until the last days of the war - why should the general Italian population be any different?

You also mention Italy's incompetence. I not sure being beaten back by a Russian winter can be seen as incompetence. Lots bad decisions were made during that war, including by our beloved Churchhill. Whether Barbarossa cost Hitler the war, is disputable, maybe it was his delay in attacking Britain.

However, I digress, this is a personal account from someone who lived through World War Two, and all the rest is window dressing to support that story. As long as my sources are genuine, many so-called 'facts' will always be in dispute.

Once again, many, many thanks for your input - it was very kind of you.
Alice

I read a sizeable chunk of your first chapter with interest. I studied History at degree level and my dissertation was on the Second World War (admittedly I don't know a lot about the Italian contribution - my interest was on the Soviets) , so I might be able to give you a few history tips. I've provided a very detailed list of suggestions as to how you might improve your work, which I hope you'll read. Most of my comments are to do with tiny grammatical and punctuation errors, the odd spelling-mistake or omitted word (I have an eye for these), and better phrasings. In particular I am concerned about the length of your paragraphs, many of which are doorstoppers. You are going to need to go through this and break up many of the paras into smaller chunks, not just for presentation - people like "white space" on a page - but readability. Apart from this, a very interesting read. Sometimes a bit too much like reading a history textbook and not a story, it's very impersonal - from what I've read the events are told not shown - but unique nonetheless. I'm rating 5 stars, based on what I've read so far.

Hope this will help you and I hope you'll check out my offering, "Tamria."

James


****

"when World War Two was declared in on 3rd September 1939" - lose the "in" - "declared on." Also, a small history lesson, WWII wasn't called this when it first broke out, as with the First World War, which was originally referred to as "the Great War." It was only later that it came to be known to as "the Second World War," and only in 1940-1941 did it became an actual "world" war. Before the involvement of the Soviet Union and US the conflict was strictly limited to the Middle East, Mediterranean and Europe. Retrospectively, it would be all right for someone who experienced World War Two to refer to it that way, but as someone who is speaking of the events from memory, would she call it that? The people of the day wouldn't say "World War Two has broken out." I'm not sure, maybe this is something you should think carefully about.

"This pact committed both countries to support the other" - surely "support each other" ? That flows much better.

"When Mussolini joined his ally, Germany" - isn't this tautology? A silly nit-pick I know, but "to join" has the same meaning as "to ally." A better phrase would be: "When Mussolini allied with Germany, in the Rome-Berlin Axis, it was with great optimism..."

"His nearest rival geographically" - Better would be: "His nearest geographical rival". But this is another tautology - "nearest" implies geographically closest. And anyone who has the slightest knowledge of Europe knows that France and Italy are neighbours (except perhaps some Americans!) Just "His nearest rival France"

"on the brink of surrendering" - "on the brink of surrender" is better, I think.

Your account of Italy's invasion of France - very amusing. In WWII the Italian Army was the only one that could be said to fare worse than the French, who are history's traditional losers! The Italians always seem to be putting their feet in it - their botched attempt to grab more territory in Eastern Europe in 1941 caused Hitler to delay his invasion of Russia and was probably responsible for Germany's ultimate defeat at the hand of the Soviets, who would likely have been trounced if they had been invaded just a few weeks earlier. "Operation Barbarossa" came within spitting distance of capturing Moscow and only the harsh winter stopped them from advancing further - but for that, the Nazis might very well have prevailed. All say a big Thank You to the Italians! But for their incompetence, we might all be speaking German today. [ahem. I love spouting history]

"... direct involvement with the war; a war that was to be a disaster for the Italian nation" - First, I think that semi-colon should be a colon. Second, do you need to say "Italian nation"? Why not "a disaster for Italy"? Or even "the Italian people"? Just a thought. That's one word you don't necessarily need there.

"As war raged in the rest of Europe..." - Unless you're referring to the war with Britain (which was an air- and sea-war, and didn't involve any marching armies - so I don't know if "war raged" is the right phrase for this scenario) or the war with the Soviet Union, which technically wasn't part of Europe, or those much-smaller conflicts involving Eastern Europe, I'm baffled. After France capitulated, there *was* no war in Europe. There was only the war with Britain - and historians refer to this period as "The Phoney War", because nothing much happened during this time. The war didn't shift into second gear until Operation Barbarossa, 1941 (in which a few Italian corps were involved.) I recommend you check your history books on this.

"; whilst the Allies landed in the south" - I think this semi-colon could be a comma, the sentence would flow better. Also, my pet peeve is using the word "whilst." It's archaic, you don't see it in print very often these days. Why not "while the Allies landed in the south" or "as the Allies landed". From the master of nit-picking.

"badly affected" - lose the "badly"; it's an unnecessary adverb and I think that it's implied the effects would be adverse.

"Whilst we wanted the truth" - again, I think "while" is better. Avoid "whilst."

"now compliant Mussolini" - shouldn't this be hyphenated? "now-compliant"

"With Germany controlling the north of Italy..." - this paragraph and the one before it are extremely long - probably well over 300 words each. I have occasional long paragraphs in my work, but nothing as huge as this. Recommmend splitting it up. It's easier on the eye and readers won't skip information.

"day to day life" - another hyphen needed: "day-to-day"

"anyone even suspected of acting against the authorities" - this is a lot of words, where fewer could be used to the same effect. How about "anyone suspected of seditious activity"

"Having heard rumours about the dire conditions..." - "Having heard of the dire conditions" - do you need the "rumours" ?

"German Labour Camps" - do "Labour Camps" need to be capitalized? "labour camps." Don't think I've ever seen "Concentration Camps" presented with capitals, either.

"We were singled-minded with an objective that had suddenly become our sole focus in life" - first, "singled-minded" should be "single-minded." But surely "single-minded" and "sole focus in life" mean the same thing? You don't need to repeat the information twice. "We were single-minded; nothing else mattered. We were determined to rescue my brother." There you go, you've already taken 10 words off the word count.

"Our destination was Bolzano, in Northern Italy" - recommend introducing a new paragraph here; split this behemoth chunk of prose into as many pieces as possible!

"had a steely determination about her" - lose the "about her", it's fluff. 'She had a steely determination that made me believe we could succeed in what would be a dangerous quest."

"; dangerous because we were now well aware that the Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit" - You could start a new sentence here and have a less unwieldy sentence. I like the nice touch of "Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit", which is a poetic understatement, but correct me if I'm wrong, weren't most Italians aware of what the Nazi Party was all about BEFORE the Second World War? I mean, Mussolini was a racist as well (not as rabid as Hitler), and it's all right there black-and-white in Mein Kampf. I find it hard to believe that the Italian populace weren't aware of the Germans' "lack of humanitarianism" before the march to war. That said, the West didn't become fully aware of Auschwitz and Hitler's systematic extermination campaigns until the final days of the war.

"now stationary train" - hyphenate: "now-stationary"

"On arrival" - maybe "Upon arrival" ? Again, this paragraph is huge and needs chopping up. Start inserting paragraph breaks where you feel they fit best. Also, this scene seems to be related, not told - I can visualize the happenings, but we don't have any actual dialogue or action, it's just being related from the main character's point-of-view. She herself is merely an observer. Consider rewriting this to make it an "active" scene.

"shocked at what we saw; " - again, I think a colon not a semi-colon here.

"the German soldiers acted swiftly and brutality" - change to either "acted swiftly and brutally" or "swiftly and with brutality."

"my mother could only think of her son" - this flows better: "could think only of her son"

"and his rescue from his dreadful place" - "and rescuing him from this dreadful place"

"; requesting that her son be released immediately" - change the semi-colon to a comma, change "requesting" to "requested." Or start a new sentence there: "Requesting that her son be released immediately, she gave him my brother's name"

"in a much sombre voice" - do we need the "much" ? Just "in a sombre voice"

"she was not to be so easily thwarted" - "she was not so easily to be thwarted" flows better

"so he had no idea if my brother had left the hellish place we now stood in" - you can lose those last four words, it's circumlocution and unnecessary. "he had no idea if my brother had left this hellish place."

"was issuing orders to group of German soldiers" - "was issuing orders to a group of German soldiers"

"cattle truck" - maybe hyphenate: "cattle-truck"

"not realising that my brother was only yards..." - maybe "unaware" or "not knowing" instead of "not realising" - you used that verb earlier this paragraph

"held each others hands" - you need an apostrophe here: "held each other's hands"

"air bombardments" - don't you mean "aerial bombardments" ?

"I will never forget the sight and smell..." - I think this would be a good place to insert a paragraph indent.

"could only imagine and fear" - feel you don't need the "and fear"; just "could only imagine what the future held for Pietro"

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Thanks for that - one of my blind spots.

Enjoying this as I live in the Apennine mountains. One nit-pick, in your pitch it should read 'who lived in Italy' rather than 'that lived in Italy.

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