Cass,

You certainly prove that you have writing talent, although I consider that there is a "but." Your descriptive capacity of physical environment is evocative and creates well-shaped pictures in the mind of the reader; so too, the physiognomies of characters involved, although I would like to see more detail in behavioural inclinations, idiosyncrasies, facial expressions, more expanded reactions to events - and specifically their "internal" cognitive and emotional considerations and reactions.

This you can certainly do more consistently as you prove in the opening of your first chapter. Your syntagmatic constructions, (turning your thinking as author into its linguistic expressions) are close to excellent - HOWEVER - your telling the story often strikes as rather too passive in its developments as you become purely descriptive, without the mental-emotional dynamics that would enrich, stimulate, and lend an intense human dimension to the "thinking about" and "feeling about" places, situations, conditions, developing events.

Take for example the paragraph in your second chapter:

Michael had met Jessica Kent at El Hogar, on a trip he and Alex had made through Old Town, selling some of the smaller art pieces they had done. Old Town was the name for a small area in the middle of the city, which had actually at one point simply been the town itself, back in the 1700's.

Adding a human dimension -

Michael remembered meeting Jessica at El Hogar on a trip he and Alex had made through Old Town, (adverb) selling some of the smaller art pieces they had done. In his mind's eye he could see the small Old Town area in the middle of the city. He pictured how at one point, back in the seventeen hundreds, this had simply been the town itself.

The optional "adverb" could be, you choose, "enthusiastically," "arduously," "hesitantly," "successfully," "happily," etc. - again, this adds thinking and feeling.

Your syntax is excellent, and typographically, eminently pure.

In some situations, e.g. "Alex had teased him, but he didn't care." - you could expand such "passive telling" into a retrospective present as an actual dialogue, adding: "Couldn't wait, huh?" etc. Think of using such "Human expansion" to relieve the passive description - it intensily engages, enriches, evokes, causes empathic identification on the reader's part.

I think you have great potential.

Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Chapter two -
Just a thought, but it seems there are two books here. If one could be mostly your love story, with just enough philosophizing to underline your motivations, it would be a terrific, forward moving read. And if the other, the scholarly dissertation one, could have just enough worldly observations to ground it, both would be more approachable. I think ,to an extent, that you are reaching for two very diverse audiences, and each might have trouble warming to the opposite extreme. It's like apples and oranges in places.

What would a fruit market be, with only apples, or only oranges... Yes, there are two extreme, but not polarly opposite explorations here - of course, you can focus only one one, or the other, but then miss out on what binds them together - the sacred nature of consciousness and the divine in a deeper understanding. This was the challenge in this writing, one that I did not take casually or with an unawareness of its challenges - it HAD to be done in this way and no other. I do not write for classication in a specific and definable genre - the work is a dedication, a gift that I intend to expand insight, to inform, to enlighten and inspire - one must take from it what engages and uplifts.

It's much like looking at a landscape - there are those "things" and "processes" which are thoroughly familiar, but every process-thing, at a deeper level of scrutiny has an horizon where every "known" turns into a deeper constellation of unknowns... It is this edge, between the over-familar, prescribed paradigmatic, and the cutting edge of modeling reality, which I explore. This has vital impact on the way we may think about life, our individual sense of being - where it is possible to aim ourselves - the nature of life is all of scientifically pragmatic, aesthetic, and poetic - I interweave those dimensions to give depth and insight.

Have an apple, or an orange - bite into what you enjoy and think you totally understand - then again, is not either also an ultimate mystery that we take too much for granted?

Love and Light (from the fruit market)

Frank Valentyn view book

Hello Scott -

Viene La Tormenta

Chapter Two:

"...raspberry red..." should really be hyphenated.

This chapter grabs attention effectively - the contrast between the present danger and background thoughts of Terry's son and home environment expand the impression of circumstance, thoughts and feelings. The descriptive dynamics here are excellent and accurately evoke the technicalities and dimensions of the challenge the climbers face.

"...bigger missiles of rock and ice whistled past..." - I feel that "hissed past" might be more syntagmatically appropriate.

"...back to the car from there no sweat..." Syntax: either use comma, or divide into two sentences.

"...god damned..." goddamned, is common form

"In a storm like this, getting it right..." Comma suggested.

"...ligature-tight..." hyphenate

"..unyielding as steel cable, had of course stubbornly resisted..." - allows more textual flow and reading ease.

"...dressed for a warm, late October, Indian Summer day" commas

"He could taste granite - flinty, with earthy overtones of dark loam..." - A wonderfully descriptive sentence, this certainly confirms your writing talent.

"Oh, God... Someone." I feel you need an exclamation, or imploring question mark here, otherwise to passive.

Chapter Three:

"You snooze, you lose." Comma

"Well, maybe not the day, but his life..." I feel that both "day" and "life" should be italicised to create the context.

"...until Terry is out of the bottom bunk..." The repeat of the proper name in the same sentence is redundant: "..until he is out..."

"...horse's patooty,..." apostrophe

"...litter the floor..." then in same para: "...lay drunkenly..." - mixed tenses - put all in present.

"...are a rowdy bunch, alright." - missing closing quote.

"...under-financed..." hyphenate?

I feel this chapter acts almost diversionarily - there is so much "about the van" - it acts as a (not constructive) hiatus - if you fill this out more with "private thoughts" about the coming climb, its technicalities, challenges, also projecting successes, return home, reaction, etc. it would work better and create more contextual flow in the evolution of event.

Chapter Four:

"...you're gonnna see Susan again..." typo

"...gotta have great chile..." is that the right form, not "chilli" perhaps? There is of course the difference between American and British English but to me Chile is a country.

"...but hatch-green..." - why capitalised, and should be hyphenated.

Chapter Five:

"..."Too Gone, too Long" by Randy Travis,..." Check capitalisation in second "two" plus should be in quotes.

The early technology of climbing, developments and history well done here - expands useful background, interesting, and prepares insight into coming challenges.

Overall impression to this point - an engaging story, evocative in its terrain and circumstance descriptions, certainly excellently informed as to the technicalities and techniques of climbing. Interactive dynamics between the characters evoke good contrast between their personalities and sense of mission. This is a good read, although I feel that in some sections I experience impatient anticipation - this could be eased by filling out with "future-looking" dialogue instead of just remaining in the present. I feel that with suggested corrections and some more expansion into interpersonal dynamics re "outcomes" this work certainly has good commercial potential.

Right, this is as far as I took it, Scott. Hope that this is useful to you - more perspective would take time and energy that makes impact on my own productivity but if you'd like that, how about some reciprocity?

Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn

view book

Your book's pitch reminds strongly of Carlos Castaneda's work on the sorceror Don Juan "transparently" choosing Carlos as his apprentice - I look forward to reading it which will do as soon as time and circumstance permit!

FV view book

Greetings Adam,

I must confess that I would never naturally be attracted to this genre, but after you asking "so nicely" felt obligated to inspect your work -

Typographically / Grammer / syntax:-

Chapter Two:

"...flung themselves against the glass doors, ignoring the other two entrances only a few yards (away)" word missing?

Chapter Three:

The sentence, "It's shock, not calm." does nor address my consciousness - cannot interpret or even suggest reformulation as I do not know what impression you intended. Can you optimise here? Did you mean: "Obviously acting out of shock, not the control mediated by calmness." ? That I could understand.

Chapter Four:

"A few vertebrae..." typo

"Grisly" omit the "e"

"black-red ichor..." should be hyphenated

Chapter Five:

You use "breath" as a verb, this may be colloquial "American English" but surely this is a noun whereas the verb is "breathe" ?

"She barking usually drove..." Did you mean: "Her barking..." ?

"Squandering precious quarters on Jesus-approved games..." Needs hyphenation

Chapter Five:

"After Aleta had tried..." Did she not rather successfully reject him - "After Aleta intensily rejected his advances,..." ?

"...Ritilan..." The medication is "Ritalin"

Chapter Six:

"...paved with..." Hey, what about "...paved with rancid fecal matter..." - I just feel the explicit term is too coarse and not as "funny" as the alternative (?)

"...pulled out the kitchen draws..." - did you mean "drawers" - or am I discounting Yank vernacular here again.

"Fred's head was (more) or less intact." Left out the "more"

Chapter Seven:

"Internnet..." typo

"The dead made Ted's life ardorous..." Did you mean "arduous" - I know it was odorous but...

Chapter Eight:

"...cat lack thump..." Uhmm... did you mean "cat-like thump..."?

Chapter Nine:

1. ...If he were forced..." - was this going to be a point-wise list, or is the 1. a typo? I mean, they ain't no 2. an' 3. like, right, you know wot 'm sayin', like?

"Stanley no ..... longer..." - you've got a synthetic line-feed here, just delete

Chapter Ten:

There's another 1. as in numbered list beginning here that does not proceed - seems unwarranted. Typo?

Right - that's as far as I took it, Adam.

Hope this assists = there's a lot to "clean up" here.

Overall Impression:

Much of this is very funny in an extremely yucky manner and may well appeal to a certain type of readership. Stylistically it appears consistent. Your descriptive powers of environment, place, circumstance, conditions as background to the "events" and action are adequate, but could be expanded to enrich impression more. Motivational dynamics on the part of characters are adequate too - but again here, somewhat expanding cognitive and emotional descriptions on the part of "actors" could create more intense impression of how they feel and think.

Best of luck with this,

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Some observations while I'm still in laughter-induced respiratory distress -

Chapter Two:

...hiding inkjet printers in one's underwear..." the only typo-type missing apostrophe I managed to detect - it may have been hiding in the underwear.

Chapter Three:

Incredibly funny - in the spirit of Tom Sharpe, this had me laughing so much that my computer mouse started having hiccups. If any here who remember Ephraim Kishon and his work "Look back Mrs. Lot" they will enjoy the same laughter-evoking exaggeration and unbridled humour (give horses free reign in the U.K. as the Elf and Seffety commission protects their equine rights now.)

Chapter Four:

Halloween will never be the same again - what a scream, the sentence: "He looked like a short snowboarding excommunicated stunt-nun after a bad 'black diamond' accident" almost caused a short-circuit in my limbic system.

Chapter Five:

A wonderful skit on the modern tendency towards linguistic devolution here - what, speeling and ggrammah are important in some way? With some more "education" we'll be back to Neanderthal grunts.

A tangential reference here to another tendency (especcially notable where I live) is promotion of individuals to their maximum level of incompetency - very funny!

With some more tongue-in-cheekness about cults, government, the IRS, drugs, the "final generation" and "quarterly based Sistene indulgence alowance" this had me rolling in the holy isles.

Chapter Six:

Ah, the new Health Plan, food stamps, and letting the government pay you to die, rampant obesity and big behinds. The prediction that "by the year 2020, 2 out of 3 people will be 3 out of 4 people" had me skipping lunch with a mirth-attack.

Chapter Seven:

A wonderfully humorous treatment of lists, abject stupidity, as also conjecture on how many "genders" America has "this week."

Chapter Eight:

About easy access to drugs, beer, weapons and clowns in Columbia and armadillos committing suicide out of catatonic boredom on insanely boring roads lined with apparently self-replicating McDonalds. Ghosts, pitbulls and trans-lesbian roosters.

Chapter Nine:

More "Dear Abbey Redux letters - hot-dog charity auctions, discounted meditation weekends, "holistic gastric management," and "bat-scrabbling insane Americans."

Chapter Ten:

"...the spelling skills of an oyster, but not the attention span," and the talent to hate someone without knowing anything whatsoever about them on Facebook. The suggestion that the existence of Congress is proof of the falsity of "Intelligent Design" in the universe. Maths genii holding forth on Euler's number conjectures and "asymptotic oevres" - I laughed so much here that my HP calculator battery drained itself after poking out a little mechanical hand from the display holding a sign begging "Stop! Eulerian Dysfunction @$%^!"

Overall impression:

This work is funny to a high exponential power (F x 10^23.57) and cleverly disguises medically dangerous potential to overstimulate facial muscles. Linguistically and stylistically consistent and faultless except where it's deliberate and not incidental, which is when (Oh, forget it.)

Definitely good commercial potential and I'll be back for more as soon as I've recovered from damaged jaw muscles.

Great Work Barry, thanks and congratulations!

Frank Valentyn view book

I have had to report author Emma Roche to Athonomy's management team for compleltely uncalled for, over-aggressive, insulting and destructive communications.

As I normally do, I look at authors' "About Me" profiles before I access their works - passing this I will then read their work if I find the genre appealing. First impressions are obviously important, both for the casual reader, and for potential agents. When I find typos (Agh, some people will defend these too, like they enjoy defects...) I will diplomatically report these to the author to allow fixing and thus make a more professional impression. As I point out, these little devils creep in stealthily and may even be missed in revisions.

Of course tastes differ, and there are many ways of presenting yourself - there are also however some clear contra-indications: 1) expressing self-doubt about your literary ability (like, "I'm not very good at this but please publish me anyway...") 2) Faulty language, bad syntax, typos, negatively expressed self-effacement, etc.

I initially sent Roche the following:

Greetings Emma,

Typo in your "About Me:" "...rather dissimilar from theese books however ..." These little devils creep in stealthily and may be missed even in revision.

A few considerations that strike me about your self-presentation:

The "...hope not to be too boring in this section..." is very self-effacing and I would suggest reformulating this to create a more positive, ambitious, forward-looking impression. As it stands, the apparent self-doubt creates some ambiguous negatives for the reader and potential agents...

Your repeated use of exclamation marks is, forgive the explicitness, quite off-putting: an exclamation mark is all of a loud shout, should be used sparingly, and only where it is vital. At present, these overwhelm in their redundant usage. I suggest getting it down to one or two.

"...as it breaks many cliches..." I feel that "as it avoids many cliches" would be more syntactically correct, then again, you might rephrase the whole underlying intention: "In contrast to many such works I avoid cliches and steer towards originality."

Searle Lorden and the Elixir of Death - very long title - of course this is a subjective opinion (aren't they all?) but what would attract me more would be a far more compact and evocative "Elixir of Death," also leaving out the indicative article "the" which is often over-used.

Hope you see these suggestions in the manner intended, not as criticism but as effort to improve a professional impression.

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn

This resulted in an aggressive reaction, laden with undisguised invective and an insulting "ad hominem" attack, completely disproportionate and uncalled for. After all, take what you find useful, reject what you don't agree with, and at least understand that what was sent was well-intended and based on goodwill with the aim of achieving improvement - if you don't like it, then just pass it by with at least some objective diplomacy, without having to attack, insult, and start swearing.

I then sent her:

You are far too reactive and cannot accept what is aimed at good, positive intentions - with a bit of introspection you may come to realise that your aggression is self-destructive. My suggestions were, as I explicitly stated, intended to SUPPORT, and based on GOODWILL.

If you are incapable of recognising good intentions, then here is a real criticism: you need to inspect the validity of what is suggested to you, take from it what IS useful, simply reject what you find inapplicable, and develop some diplomatic objectivity...

I wish you calmness and tranquility, grab deep and bring out the best in yourself, let those storms settle and write from a centre of heart-felt CONVICTION.

Best of luck,

Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn

Which resulted in even more attack and insulting condenscension.
After asking this person to stop communication several times, she then defaced my book's comment page with my own insistence to Contain herself and stop attacking me.

It appears to me that Roche has severe personal problems, to say the least, and not to conjecture upon psychological balance. This however, does not warrant taking one's pain and frustration out on people who send you well-intended suggestions.

I but recently lost my mother, just a few months ago, an impact which has left a shattering impression and left a large gap in my life - I do not however aggressively attack people whom I might happen to disagree with - I find it far more self-protective to simply dismiss, distance myself and ignore.

This conflict has gone far enough - there is work to be done, that counts for all and any, and I would suggest that we all "dig deep," look for the best in ourselves, and reach for our highest potentials.

Love and Light,

Frank Valentyn view book

Dear Dan,

Chapter One

"Using his elbows he slunk inland." Slink, past tense, slunk.

"In their profession, weapons of choice was the norm and..." Comma suggested. Also slight ambiguity between the "weapons" plural-form and the "was" - this could be eliminated by "...weapon of choice was the norm." or "...weapons of choice were the norm." - the latter being more grammatically acceptable.

"'Common,' he told Jerry..." I think you mean "Come on,..." Also there seems an improbability here in that I would think that Steve would not detail the "putting wet-suits in boxes and burying them" as that would be generally understood procedure. My suggestion would be to leave the instruction at a "Come on.." and then the description of the burying without it being verbalised as an instruction.

Chapter Two

"...the high altitude photograph of a barren land." Descriptively I would have thought: "...a high altitude photograph of barren terrain." The indefinite article better, and terrain more applicable than "land."

"...returned behind his desk to light a cigarette while..." I would like a very brief desciption of what his visitors do at this moment, before describing them. This would create a more flowing transition.

"...looking at the husky man seated in one of the chairs." decriptively this appears truncated - "one of the chairs opposite him," / "one of the ....chairs facing his desk." adjectival descriptor of "the chairs" ?

"Not surprisingly, the president thought,..." comma required, and is president not with a lower-case unless his full title is given? Husky man...self-made man... - I would have liked a little more physiognomic description to fill out the character: e.g. body / face /dress/ way of sitting.

"After all, he didn't ask for much." The reader is left wondering whether in fact "little was asked" or whether the observation is a sarcastic one - seeing that it contrasts with the just earlier "...dropped all that in my lap..." This could be clarified easily and shortly.

Before the "...have a nice evening..." knocking out his pipe and pocketing it would add a touch. There needs to be more transitional flow before continuing.

Chapter Three / Four - were read.

General Comment:

Technical military / arms / technology abbreviations are of course fine for those familiar with them (I am with most) but this could have an interruptive effect on the ease of flow in reading, cause some distractive confusion for those not recognising them. One way would be to expand their description to a minimal sufficiency, another, to use footnotes. You might find that unattractive but readers who gain insight that way might certainly appreciate it.

Stylistically, I find that I suffer some frustration in "place, time, character, and circumstance" descriptions: There is much action, this including dialogue, but the "who, where, and how" leave too much unillustrated, truncated, and minimal for my subjective reading taste. I would like more description of background scenery (place, character, sounds, light-effets, weather, etc.) physiognomy of the characters involved - (appearance, idiosyncratic behaviours, unique features, mannerism, voice-type facial expression.)

I understand that your primary concern is the evolution of event, its salient aspects, actions, situations and dynamics - that this consumed predominant attention on your part during its writing - however, filling this out by expanding beyond pure action and dialogue would enrich such action and interaction between characters.

On the whole, I feel your work is masterfully written from a plot perspective (with some minor historical accuracy considerations) - it is stylistically consistent, very engaging in continually creating anticipative expectation, binds the attention, and is easily readable. I feel that it has good commercial potential and could become a best-seller with some illustrative padding to enrich its experience.

I hope this perspective is useful,

Your book was listed and backed.

Kind Regards,

Frank Valentyn

view book

Dear Dan,

Chapter One

"Using his elbows he slunk inland." Slink, past tense, slunk.

"In their profession, weapons of choice was the norm and..." Comma suggested. Also slight ambiguity between the "weapons" plural-form and the "was" - this could be eliminated by "...weapon of choice was the norm." or "...weapons of choice were the norm." - the latter being more grammatically acceptable.

"'Common,' he told Jerry..." I think you mean "Come on,..." Also there seems an improbability here in that I would think that Steve would not detail the "putting wet-suits in boxes and burying them" as that would be generally understood procedure. My suggestion would be to leave the instruction at a "Come on.." and then the description of the burying without it being verbalised as an instruction.

Chapter Two

"...the high altitude photograph of a barren land." Descriptively I would have thought: "...a high altitude photograph of barren terrain." The indefinite article better, and terrain more applicable than "land."

"...returned behind his desk to light a cigarette while..." I would like a very brief desciption of what his visitors do at this moment, before describing them. This would create a more flowing transition.

"...looking at the husky man seated in one of the chairs." decriptively this appears truncated - "one of the chairs opposite him," / "one of the ....chairs facing his desk." adjectival descriptor of "the chairs" ?

"Not surprisingly, the president thought,..." comma required, and is president not with a lower-case unless his full title is given? Husky man...self-made man... - I would have liked a little more physiognomic description to fill out the character: e.g. body / face /dress/ way of sitting.

"After all, he didn't ask for much." The reader is left wondering whether in fact "little was asked" or whether the observation is a sarcastic one - seeing that it contrasts with the just earlier "...dropped all that in my lap..." This could be clarified easily and shortly.

Before the "...have a nice evening..." knocking out his pipe and pocketing it would add a touch. There needs to be more transitional flow before continuing.

Chapter Three / Four - were read.

General Comment:

Technical military / arms / technology abbreviations are of course fine for those familiar with them (I am with most) but this could have an interruptive effect on the ease of flow in reading, cause some distractive confusion for those not recognising them. One way would be to expand their description to a minimal sufficiency, another, to use footnotes. You might find that unattractive but readers who gain insight that way might certainly appreciate it.

Stylistically, I find that I suffer some frustration in "place, time, character, and circumstance" descriptions: There is much action, this including dialogue, but the "who, where, and how" leave too much unillustrated, truncated, and minimal for my subjective reading taste. I would like more description of background scenery (place, character, sounds, light-effets, weather, etc.) physiognomy of the characters involved - (appearance, idiosyncratic behaviours, unique features, mannerism, voice-type facial expression.)

I understand that your primary concern is the evolution of event, its salient aspects, actions, situations and dynamics - that this consumed predominant attention on your part during its writing - however, filling this out by expanding beyond pure action and dialogue would enrich such action and interaction between characters.

On the whole, I feel your work is masterfully written from a plot perspective (with some minor historical accuracy considerations) - it is stylistically consistent, very engaging in continually creating anticipative expectation, binds the attention, and is easily readable. I feel that it has good commercial potential and could become a best-seller with some illustrative padding to enrich its experience.

I hope this perspective is useful,

Your book was listed and backed.

Kind Regards,

Frank Valentyn

view book

Having read all you submitted Alex, my impression is of inspired and talented writing, and frankly, I do not commit such an opinion lightly. The evocative description of characters involved, their surroundings and circumstance, idiosyncracies and mannerisms, inter-reactive dialogue, this consistently flows and engages. The overall effect continually draws anticipative attention and (I'm sure) a reader wants more.

With the exception of a few minor grammatic and syntactic faults (one significant one in Chapter Six) this work is excellent and certainly commercially viable. I have not commented on, or listed the few errors as the work has already been published and such would be redundant. A second edition could tidy that.

My congratulations on outstanding work - the biographical background shines through successfully and you have managed to sketch living minds and characters in a way that makes them stand out beyond the page.

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Dan Andreescu (Eurodan) Feedback

Dear Dan,

Chapter One

"Using his elbows he slunk inland." Slink, past tense, slunk.

"In their profession, weapons of choice was the norm and..." Comma suggested. Also slight ambiguity between the "weapons" plural-form and the "was" - this could be eliminated by "...weapon of choice was the norm." or "...weapons of choice were the norm." - the latter being more grammatically acceptable.

"'Common,' he told Jerry..." I think you mean "Come on,..." Also there seems an improbability here in that I would think that Steve would not detail the "putting wet-suits in boxes and burying them" as that would be generally understood procedure. My suggestion would be to leave the instruction at a "Come on.." and then the description of the burying without it being verbalised as an instruction.

Chapter Two

"...the high altitude photograph of a barren land." Descriptively I would have thought: "...a high altitude photograph of barren terrain." The indefinite article better, and terrain more applicable than "land."

"...returned behind his desk to light a cigarette while..." I would like a very brief desciption of what his visitors do at this moment, before describing them. This would create a more flowing transition.

"...looking at the husky man seated in one of the chairs." decriptively this appears truncated - "one of the chairs opposite him," / "one of the ....chairs facing his desk." adjectival descriptor of "the chairs" ?

"Not surprisingly, the president thought,..." comma required, and is president not with a lower-case unless his full title is given? Husky man...self-made man... - I would have liked a little more physiognomic description to fill out the character: e.g. body / face /dress/ way of sitting.

"After all, he didn't ask for much." The reader is left wondering whether in fact "little was asked" or whether the observation is a sarcastic one - seeing that it contrasts with the just earlier "...dropped all that in my lap..." This could be clarified easily and shortly.

Before the "...have a nice evening..." knocking out his pipe and pocketing it would add a touch. There needs to be more transitional flow before continuing.

Chapter Three / Four - were read.

General Comment:

Technical military / arms / technology abbreviations are of course fine for those familiar with them (I am with most) but this could have an interruptive effect on the ease of flow in reading, cause some distractive confusion for those not recognising them. One way would be to expand their description to a minimal sufficiency, another, to use footnotes. You might find that unattractive but readers who gain insight that way might certainly appreciate it.

Stylistically, I find that I suffer some frustration in "place, time, character, and circumstance" descriptions: There is much action, this including dialogue, but the "who, where, and how" leave too much unillustrated, truncated, and minimal for my subjective reading taste. I would like more description of background scenery (place, character, sounds, light-effets, weather, etc.) physiognomy of the characters involved - (appearance, idiosyncratic behaviours, unique features, mannerism, voice-type facial expression.)

I understand that your primary concern is the evolution of event, its salient aspects, actions, situations and dynamics - that this consumed predominant attention on your part during its writing - however, filling this out by expanding beyond pure action and dialogue would enrich such action and interaction between characters.

On the whole, I feel your work is masterfully written from a plot perspective (with some minor historical accuracy considerations) - it is stylistically consistent, very engaging in continually creating anticipative expectation, binds the attention, and is easily readable. I feel that it has good commercial potential and could become a best-seller with some illustrative padding to enrich its experience.

I hope this perspective is useful,

Kind Regards,

Frank Valentyn


view book

Hello Dan,

Well, you have an even greater choice of hats to wear than I do, and I thought I was somewhere at the supportable limit! Thanks for backing "Switch" - appreciate that, and hope that you will enjoy and gain from it.

I will have a read of your work and give as objective a perspective of it as I can - give it some time. Thanks for regarding me as qualified and capable of it.

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Greetings Peter,
I read the first ten chapters of Phip - an easy and engaging read of a story that thematically reminds of Paul Gallico's "The Snow Goose," "Thomasina," and others. Grammar and syntax appear flawless and the level of language is consistent throughout. What got me though, is what I regard as an excessive use of exclamation marks in the first few chapters - exclamation marks effectively are loud shouts and should be used judiciously, only where vital in their context. I would trim these down to where their absence is illogical and unaffordable.

Nice work and the best of luck with it!

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Hello Michael,

Well-written work, engaging subject in its historical context which will be of interest to many in evoking the

tensions and troubles of the times.

I will not go too deeply into stylistic considerations, except to say that I have some reservation about a

perhaps too "grainy" an appearance in paragraph sectioning. Although the textual flow from a developmental POV

is logical and certainly effective in its descriptive content, I would consider paragraph sectioning to be

based on greater action-based, or scene-based content. As it stands, para-sectioning breaks the constant flow

of attention (a subjective assessment of course) and could instead have more contextual transition. In some

paras you have actually done this but these are in the minority. Transitional flow between paras would

generate a reader-impact of greater connectivity in the evolution of event here. Minimising this graininess

could be effected by concatenating presently separated paras with more internal, transitional connectivity -

this, by perhaps adding emotional dynamics as reaction to conditions and situations on the part of the

personalities involved.

Some typos and syntax issues:

Chapter Six:

"I though asking them was a more logical approach." typo.

"...buzz of the bike's vibrations..." Apostrophe in "bike's" was omitted.

Chapter Seven:

"Paul and a boy..." I (subjectively) feel that "Paul and the boy named Ian..." in the use of the definite

article is more direct in its description - he knows Ian after all and the indefinite article creates a weak

ambiguity.

"An ancient and viscous scar..." Are you sure you did not mean "vicious?" as "Viscous" seems inapplicable to

scar tissue?

"A tattered, rose-coloured bedspread..." needs to be hyphenated and comma.

"...brown, knitted pullover..." comma

"I'm afraid, Mister and Mistress Obney, ..." or Mis'ess, a la Thomas Hardy. The abbreviations Mr. and Mrs.

should not really be used in conversational speech.

I largely agree with the stylistic analysis of JayG - who stresses the "now" point of view and its implied,

and resulting, emotional and cognitive dynamics on the part of personalities involved. I think some stylistic

modification towards this effect would substantially improve the impact of the work on readers.

Good work and best of luck with it!

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Hello Michael,

Well-written work, engaging subject in its historical context which will be of interest to many in evoking the tensions and troubles of the times.

I will not go too deeply into stylistic considerations, except to say that I have some reservation about a perhaps too "grainy" an appearance in paragraph sectioning. Although the textual flow from a developmental POV is logical and certainly effective in its descriptive content, I would consider paragraph sectioning to be based on greater action-based, or scene-based content. As it stands, para-sectioning breaks the constant flow of attention (a subjective assessment of course) and could instead have more contextual transition. In some paras you have actually done this but these are in the minority. Transitional flow between paras would generate a reader-impact of greater connectivity in the evolution of event here. Minimising this graininess could be effected by concatenating presently separated paras with more internal, transitional connectivity - this, by perhaps adding emotional dynamics as reaction to conditions and situations on the part of the personalities involved.

Some typos and syntax issues:

Chapter Six:

"I though asking them was a more logical approach." typo.

"...buzz of the bike's vibrations..." Apostrophe in "bike's" was omitted.

Chapter Seven:

"Paul and a boy..." I (subjectively) feel that "Paul and the boy named Ian..." in the use of the definite article is more direct in its description - he knows Ian after all and the indefinite article creates a weak ambiguity.

"An ancient and viscous scar..." Are you sure you did not mean "vicious?" as "Viscous" seems inapplicable to scar tissue?

"A tattered, rose-coloured bedspread..." needs to be hyphenated and comma.

"...brown, knitted pullover..." cooma

"I'm afraid, Mister and Mistress Obney, ..." or Mis'ess, a la Thomas Hardy. The abbreviations Mr. and Mrs. should not really be used in conversational speech.

I largely agree with the stylistic analysis of JayG - who stresses the "now" point of view and its implied, and resulting, emotional and cognitive dynamics on the part of personalities involved. I think some stylistic modification towards this effect would substantially improve the impact of the work on readers.

Good work and best of luck with it!

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Thanks for your comments Bradley. Yes, the cover of the book does not come across as in its original format at all, I will try that again in a larger file-format and hope for better resolution. Ahh, Dennett - had much influence on my thinking of course and I used his insights often in lecturing - his perspectives are however very reductionistic, and may well be seen as neuricentric and scientistic - in the view that all psychodynamics are seen as "matter-emergent" - the essence of the Lost Alamos complexity emergentists. Reminds of Watson and Chalmers who comfortably do away with consciousness as being totally epiphenomenal. Contrast that with morphogeneticists such as Weiss, Gurwitch, Mangold, Sheldrake, Speman, Waddington, Needham... That egoically individuated consciousness may, in the application of informed, directed energies be the cause of organicity (think e.g. retrotransposon inserted polymorphisms, RIPs, in the human genome) is becoming more popular. The battle between molecular embryologists and morphogenecists is ongoing and although both have convincing evidence, there has to be one dynamic that is primary in it all. My pitch is that this is consciousness in its quantised form. That also agrees with fundamental tenets in quantum physics - quantisation, non-locality, superluminal entanglement, although these are missing out entirely on the dynamics of consciousness except in the case of such eminently controversial researchers such as David Bohm, William Tiller and Andrija Puharich.

Overestimating the romantic aspect? Me thinks you haven't yet read far enough!

I do hope you'll enjoy what you come across and gain from it ;) It was a difficult mission to write this work - intended to be the greatest gift I am capable of - I fervently hope that it may be received in the way it is intended.

Warm Regards,
Frank

view book

Excellent work - grabs the attention and engages the reader deeply from the start; well written with evocative contexts between people and surroundings that generates clear pictures in the mind. The characters' language characterises well who they are, how they think and feel, makes them real, and stand out beyond just description.

What I found slightly disturbing was the occurrence of some irregular line spacing which may have happened due to "re-streaming" in Authonomy's format - no fault of the author's - but if that could be repaired the textual flow would be easier on the eye and mind.

Well done!

Kind Regards,
Frank Valentyn view book

Well, I'm reading. It's a mixture of true life recounting and philosophical and esoteric considerations. One thing is that your chapters are so terribly long, but that doesn't matter of itself, I'd just put in a bookmark. There are almost two or three different books all together here, and in one chapter the reader has a personal story, the relating of 'supernatural' (for want of a better word) events, and also historical exploration and philosophy. Somehow, though, they blend together and work as a whole. Still reading.
Cariad.

Thank you so much for your comment and insight - I am glad to hear that you find a blending and that it works as a whole! I repeat what I wrote to another commentator:

My first thought here is that the pitch should be as concrete as the content. You have a novel here, with real people and decisive actions in specific places. But your pitch is more philosophical and abstract than your novel.

"Switch" is undoubtedly a challenging work to read and I certainly expect many to skip sections that do not evoke resonance with concepts (and taste) in their own reference frames. It is however exactly what I describe it as: an exploration into deeper reality, the dynamics of consciousness, and the arising of individuality, the physicalisation of intentionality in the incredible universe we inhabit - set against a beautiful and personal love story.

I readily admit that sections of it will not be an easy read - there are dimensions in this gift though, that for those willing to pursue them, will offer what I regard as precious insight - a vision of cosmic reality that exceeds the purely "scientistic," is based on pragmatic scientific insight, but extends this beyond where science can model the nature of consciousness. It is consciously intended to be the most precious gift I am capable of giving - I cannot therefore dilute and diminish it and must humbly suggest just skipping what may be regarded as "too deep" - taking from the gift what you can. We may well appreciate a landscape for its beauty and depth without analytically understanding different aspects of its composition. I hope that you will enjoy and gain from it in the way it is intended!

Thanks again,
Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn

view book

My first thought here is that the pitch should be as concrete as the content. You have a novel here, with real people and decisive actions in specific places. But your pitch is more philosophical and abstract than your novel.

Thanks for your observations William. "Switch" is undoubtedly a challenging work to read and I certainly expect many to skip sections that do not evoke resonance with concepts (and taste) in their own reference frames. It is however exactly what I describe it as: an exploration into deeper reality, the dynamics of consciousness, and the arising of individuality, the physicalisation of intentionality in the incredible universe we inhabit - set against a beautiful and personal love story.

I readily admit that sections of it will not be an easy read - there are dimensions in this gift though, that for those willing to pursue them, will offer what I regard as precious insight - a vision of cosmic reality that exceeds the purely "scientistic," is based on pragmatic scientific insight, but extends this beyond where science can model the nature of consciousness. It is consciously intended to be the most precious gift I am capable of giving - I cannot therefore dilute and diminish it and must humbly suggest just skipping what may be regarded as "too deep" - taking from the gift what you can. We may well appreciate a landscape for its beauty and depth without analytically understanding different aspects of its composition. I hope that you will enjoy and gain from it in the way it is intended!

Thanks again,
Warm Regards,
Frank Valentyn

I think of the long pitch as a sort of prose poem, picking out the crucial turning points in the book and trying to generate the precise tone that will start the reader turning the pages or scrolling down the screen, but without deceiving the reader into thinking the book is something it's not.

At the same time, I was immediately attracted by your references to Zukav and Pirsig, both of whom have influenced my own thinking.

When I've got a bit further into your narrative, I'll try to cobble together a further comment. but for now I have shelved your book as one of the truly provocative recent offerings.

Bill

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Hi Frank, nicely done! :-)
On my shelf.
blessings!
jim

Thank you so much Jim, really appreciate that and hope you enjoy it!

Warm Regards,
Frank view book