susanbrauner recent comments

written 840 days ago
cherry

David, I loved the title of your book, it made me want to read it. Your pitch gave me second thoughts about wanting to read on. I did read on and I stumbled over the references to movies, tv.. Regis and Cathy... I want to read about the amazing man who has lived so full.

I would start the first chapter with your paragraph: "I thought that I knew love..." That is a statement that makes me want to read on.... If you can be brave and edit this book, cutting out the trite, movie, tv crap that we all have seen and felt and are sick of.... and just stick to your story, just the meat of the story and your amazing life, you would have a great book.

Sorry to be so blunt and I hope this helps you.

Susan
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written 840 days ago
cherry

Rachael,
Wow, great story! I enjoyed reading the first few chapters, and I'll come back and read some more. I'll put you on my shelf soon!
Susan
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written 970 days ago
cherry

Pete, In general I think you are a good writer. I read chapter one, and found myself skimming over paragraphs trying to find some "meaty" story. I love the idea of your story, the pitch made me want to read the book and I actually poured my evening glass of wine and looked forward to thoroughly enjoying the read. I think every book, no matter what it is about or if it is fiction or non fiction MUST grab the reader fairly quickly. I would love to see chapter one re done so that it grabs the reader, sets a solid foundation about what is happening and then the reader will quite willingly want to turn the pages and find out what will happen to your likable archologist. I think giving us a year would be nice. Instead of the Far Future.... Earth 2233..... or whatever..... that would give us grounding and help us as we are led through your story.

So there is my review. Please do not be offended, I am just giving you my thoughts as someone who loves to read science fiction. You have a great idea and I can tell from your writing that you will take the reader on a wonderful journey, sometimes the beginning is the hardest part. Good Luck to you. I'm watchlisting your book for now and 5 stars.

Susan
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written 979 days ago
cherry

I love to read science fiction and your story plot sounded very interesting. But, I struggled through the first chapter. It took me a while to figure out who was who and what was happening. It was sometimes hard to follow when the speaker was not identified, and it was hard to picture what was going on. The first chapter is so important and it should hook the reader quickly and hold them so they'll want to get to chapter 2. Maybe there was just too much going on in the first chapter. While building the foundation of your story, too much information cluttered things up. There needs to be a lot of editing also. Grammar and punctuation would help.

As promised, I give honest feedback, but it is just my opinion so take from it what you want. I would like to come back and read more and see if the story develops as I hope it will.

Susan
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written 979 days ago
cherry

Hi Harry, I got your message and you asked for an honest opinion. I loved the idea of your book, it sounded like a wonderful page turner, but you lost me in the first chapter with the letter to the parents. The sick son is so not into his disease and is downplaying it too much, I as a reader felt the same. I didn't care. When I started on the second chapter I felt that this is where the book should start. Hit the reader with the awful realization that the poor guy knows he only has so long to live. Give us some emotion and make us care about this guy. Then when you hook the reader, have him write a shorter letter to his parents. The trick is to make the reader want to keep reading, give us tidbits that make us want to learn more. Maybe have the letter to the parents divided up into a couple of chapters. He has to tell his parents, how to tell them, what to say... we can read parts of the letter in the first chapters. Anyway, take it or leave it. I am just explaining how I felt as someone who picks up a book and reads a few paragraphs to see if it interested me.

I think you have an excellent book here, it just needs some rearranging. Good luck to you.
Susan
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written 1008 days ago
cherry

Very entertainig first chapter, definately makes me want to read more, and very original. Your writing is perfect and I think older kids will love this. It may be a little scary for the young kids. I am putting your book on my watch list, shelf is full at the time. Lots of stars!!

Susan
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written 1021 days ago
cherry

Great read, excellent writing, unique story, I can't say enough good things. This one should be published, and I will watchlist it for now and give you 6 stars. My book shelf is crowded but your book will be next in line.

Susan
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written 1028 days ago
cherry

Pretty powerful stuff, although difficult to read without proper editing and there were too many exclamation points! I would really like to start over on this when you get it edited. Good luck to you.


Susan
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written 1030 days ago
cherry

Michael, I read chapter 1 and chapter 5 to get a sense of your writing and story telling. I think you do a very good job telling the story, chapter 1 especially captured my attention. This kind of book is not my cup of tea, but nevertheless I did find it interesting. Have you ever read your book outloud? I found that it made writing conversation and some sentence structure easier to edit. Good luck to you, you have an original story and it should do well.

Susan
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written 1034 days ago
cherry

Hi GM, What a great beginning chapter. Loved your main character, your descriptions were great and he was easy to visualize. Your writing seems very professional and the book cover is perfect. There are so many excellent books on this site that should be published and yours is one of them. I hope you make it and I'll put you on my watchlist for now (shelf is loaded at the moment). As you move up, I'll get you on my bookshelf and help get your book to the top.

Susan
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written 1035 days ago
cherry

You are a good writer and the first chapter was powerful. I'm happy to give you a lot of stars, and watchlist for now. Good luck to you!

Susan
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written 1035 days ago
cherry

Neville, Your book is a modern day fairy tale, and all kids and those who are young at heart, love fairy tales. Once I started to read your book, I couldn’t put it down. Tommy is a nice kid and he has a sweet grandmother who has had a hard life. It’s time for something wonderful to happen for them. Tommy’s walking is going to be just the start and I can hardly wait to find out what other wonderful things will happen. I loved the Good Red Book, very ingenious! What kid or adult wouldn’t love to have a Good Red Book. I want to find out Saber’s story and what does Mr. Keeper have planned to mark the visit…..

Every chapter in your book pulled me on to read the next chapter and the next. It was a pleasure to read and I was completely entertained. You should have a lot of success with your book, I’m giving it six stars and it will be on my bookshelf soon. Good luck to you!

Susan
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written 1036 days ago
cherry

Dear Anne, Great first chapter! You have excellent descriptions and character development. After reading the first chapter there is no way anyone wouldn't want to quickly move on to the next chapter. Your writing is very good, so I hate to be nitpicky, but I want to point out a couple of things.

In your second sentence, you say: "He gave little thought to each step as he had travelled through them (it looks like THEM is referring to the noun, STEP, which I know it doesn't, but it trips up the reader.) I think it would be better to say corridors again instead of the word them, and use another adjective (old, ancient, dark, light, etc. etc.) Watch the ‘ing’ words. "Turning it slowly he pushed the door open, walking into the room... Try using 'ed' and see how the sentence might sound better. (He turned the handle slowly and walked into the room that held his heart's desires. Or: Turning it slowly, he pushed the door open and walked into the room that.....) Anytime you find yourself using 'ing' as an action word, you might want to phrase the sentence a little differently, see if it works better. ‘ing’ doesn't always bring the reader into the action in the best way.

Good luck to you, I think this will be a winner!

Susan
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written 1039 days ago
cherry

Hi JJ,
I read the first chapter, and loved it! Your characters are great and the story is intriguing. After reading the chapter, I most definately want to keep reading. My bookshelf is promised for now, but I will put your book up there soon. As for now, I'll watchlist it. Bravo!!

Susan
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written 1039 days ago
cherry

James, Your book is exactly the kind of book I like to read, high seas, pirates, ships.. and I enjoyed what I read. It was very well written and it is has intriquing story. But I must put in my two cents: No such word as bluey, just say blue green. XO should be spelled out, not everyone knows what that is. Is Lieutenant Walker the XO? What is a 2IC? Those things stopped me in my tracks and interrupted my concentration of the story. I'll come back and read more and I'll put your book on my watchlist.

Susan
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written 1039 days ago
cherry

You are an excellent writer and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first chapter. Great descriptions, and conversation. The only question I have, and it seems ridiculas really, is when you say: repercussions of dismemberment, quartering and hanging. Actually first the poor soul it hung until almost dead, and then his torso is cut open and then he is dismembered or quartered. Quartered and dismembered are basically the same thing. How do I know this, you might ask.. I watched a documentary on History channel recently so I feel that I am somewhat of an expert. Please take it with a grain of salt. Your story is very good!!

Susan
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written 1039 days ago
cherry

Regina, Much better!! I really like your characgter Edwina, she made me laugh and as a reader, I really want this marriage to work and for her to be happy. It's my thinking that if you write a book that can make a reader feel something for your characters, then you have done a great job writing! Now, I need to talk about 'directing your characters' when you say for example Edwina comes down stairs. It is an awkward sentence. I am not sure how to fix it, maybe Edwina hurried down stairs, Edwina walked down stairs.... there are a few other places like that, but over all I like it. I'm putting it on my watchlist and I'll come back and read some more.

Susan
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written 1040 days ago
cherry

Hi JC,
You have a good story, it certainly has me wondering what's going to happen. The dragon certainly added mystery to the story. As a reader, I like it and I want to read more. But.......I think it would be a good idea for you to do some editing for grammar and sentence structure. You use "ing" words a lot. "ing" words don't bring the reader into the action as good as "ed" words too. Here is one example, you write: Sitting down and hugging her legs for warmth, she watched the cave's entrance. or you could say it like this: She sat down, and hugged her legs while she watched the cave's entrance. Can you feel the difference? Try reading your book out loud, it is a good way to find the places that have odd sentence structure. Good luck to you.

Susan
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written 1040 days ago
cherry

Hi Meaghan, I read the first chapter and I have mixed feelings about it. It seems very choppy, it jumps around in such a way that it doens't flow and your character development hasn't grabbed me. I really liked the pitch you had next to your book and that is why I wanted to check it out, but like I said, it just bounced around too much for me. Maybe if you didn't give the reader so much informtion. Is it all needed to tell your story? After the first chapter, the reader should want to read more, so keep that in mind. Please don't let my comments upset you, they are just my observations and I am certanly not a professional. Good luck to you.

Susan
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written 1040 days ago
cherry

Hi Rosie, I read two chapters, I liked the first chapter better although I was thrown when you went from third person to first person perspective. Who is telling the story? There was first person paragraph in the second chapter too. You described fear so well, I felt it as I was reading Darwin's fear of the large wave. I think your story is pretty good, but it needs some more editing. There are some very long sentences which need to be chopped up and more conversation would be good. When you do conversation, be sure to make it its own paragraph. Good luck to you.

Susan
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