I have read all fourteen chapters that you have posted. Your novel reminds me rather of J.G. Farrell's novel "The Singapore Grip" in its subject matter (same war and circumstances, different colony) and if you haven't read that book I strongly recommend it. There's also elements of James Clavell in here.

I made some notes as I read; they are more my personal preferences rather that actual faults, so some are really nit-picky and you are at complete liberty to ignore them if you don't agree.

Chapter One.

First two sentences are in present tense, the rest of the chapter in past. I think it would read easier if the first two sentences were also in past tense. offers -> offered; provides -> provided.

Chapter Two.

Richard is described as "his nephew Richard" several times. I think you only need to say this once, when Richard is first introduced.

Chapter Three.

I feel we are being introduced to too many characters in too short a space of time. The average reader may lose track of who's who. The novel obviously has an epic scope so needs all these POV characters, but conventional wisdom (shared by many agents and publishers, although disputed by authors) is that you should keep the number of viewpoint characters to a minimum.

It might help if the chapters were reorganised ao that we stay with a particular POV character's story for longer before switching to another, so that we get to know them better. I don't think that it is essential to keep the timescale of the different strands in sync -- indeed, from a story telling point of view it might be better not to.

(I recommend the book "English Passengers" by Matthew Kneale as an example of an historical novel which has a huge number (twenty!) of POV characters but the author still manages somehow to keep them under control.)

Chapter Six.

I am finding the constant reference to Jameson's Whiskey in relation to Fr. O'Hara a little irritating. It makes me think of Graham Greene's "whisky priest" and I don't think that's the connotation that you want for Fr. O'Hara.

I wonder if the Japanese characters are a little one-dimensional. Undoubtedly they were devoted 100% to their Emperor and really did commit the atrocities that you describe, but I would like to see a hint of their human side, so that they don't become meaningless caricatures, which will take away something of the impact of the violence. The alternative might be to not use the Japanese characters as POV characters at all, so they are no more than a "faceless enemy" seem entirely from the Allied/Chinese point of view -- in my opinion that second course of action might be more effective.

Chapter Seven.

Mei-Ling is my favourite character in the story and I feel a little uplift everytime she reappears. I would be happy to read a whole novel just about her.

Chapter Thirteen.

For me, the story comes alive when the Gurkha soldier MB appears. I would read on just to find out more about him. It is interesting that he and Mei-Ling are the two characters that stick in my memory the most after I have finished reading, whereas the British and American characters seem just a little bland (but maybe that is just me!)

At the end of Chapter Fourteen I feel as though the real story is only just starting...

Generally, the more I like a book, the more critical I am when it comes to reviewing it, because I think that it is worth that extra effort. I think that you have something very, very good here, but it still needs a little polish here and there to make it perfect. Good luck with "Hing Dai - Brothers". view book

I actually read several chapters from Mighty Fine a couple of weeks ago, but never got around to leaving a comment, so I'm back to read a bit more and finally get around to comment. I have to say that your characters really come alive of the page, especially Rita. With the dialogue, I could almost hear the characters talking in my head. The only (slightly) negative comment I have is that I'd like a few more bits of description, There doesn't need to be pages of it -- just little hints here and there. (For example, unless I missed it, I don't really know what Rita looks like, not even the colour of her hair.) All this would help construct a picture in the reader's head. At the length it is at the moment, I think the Mighty Fine could make a good e-book novella, something that people could read in one go on a boring plane journey (or something like that). Good luck with it.

Best wishes and good writing, John view book

White Matter has a strong and distinctive narrative voice, sparse and matter-of-fact, as befits this superior type of thriller. I have read the prologue and first four chapters. Although I admit I was just a little put off by the non-linear structure, I quickly realised how this has been done to raise a lot of intriguing questions that draw the reader in. Also, I rather enjoy the little hints of partly familiar and partly unfamiliar technologies that locate the novel in a future that probably isn't too far away.

I have one minor negative comment. The build up to the scene where Graeme and Kurt rescue Miranda was fine, but I felt it was slightly let down by the fact when they actually rescue her she doesn't seem to have any presence. I don't believe she even speaks, at least not direct speech. (I had assumed that she has been gagged by her kidnappers, though I don't even remember any mention of a gag. Presumably that would have been removed at the same time that Kurt removed her chains.) We don't need to be told who she is or any back story (that's revealed any way in the next chapter) but I would like some indication of her personality. I would have prefered less about Kurt's struggle to cut the chains and more about Miranda's reaction at being rescued. Does she get overly emotional? (She might, even if she's normally a tough cookie, and then get embarrassed about it and overcompensate.) Or is she sarky with them? Saying something like: "About time you turned up." In the present draft of this scene, I am sorry to say that she doesn't really have any more personality than her luggage. I believe she should have some sort of presence, otherwise her rescue might appear to be something of an anticlimax.

That's my only negative comment. Otherwise "White Matter" is building up to be an excellent techno-thriller. I wish you every success with it.

John view book

You write very well, Jes, and I have no hesitation in saying that I think "Up the Hill Backwards" is one of the best books currently on authonomy. More than that, this book is important: people need to be told what some adults are capable of doing. If the book falls into the hands of the right publisher than I am convinced that it will be in the bookshops before you can blink.

Don't worry too much about the details of punctuation and grammar and stuff -- your story speaks loud enough for that not to matter too much at the moment. It will have to be dealt with eventually, but concentrate on the story itself for the time being.

There are a few things that you can do now, though, that I think will make "Up the Hill Backwards" even better.

First, I would prefer a little bit of information about what Richard and Maria's mother looks like, just to help me visualise them. It doesn't need to be a complete portrait, just a few details: short or tall, fat or thin, hair colour, any odd distinguishing features. Also, doesn't need to be flattering: probably better if it isn't!

At present, Maria's mother comes over as a bit of a shadowy character in the background, without any real personality of her own. I would like to see a bit more of Maria's relationship with her mother, so that then we can perhaps understand the mother a little better and find out why she was attracted to Richard. Also, readers will be asking "Why doesn't the mother do something?" We need to see something to help us answer that question.

Unless I missed something (which is possible!) we don't discover that Maria has a little sister until chapter 5. It comes as a bit of a surprise, so it would help if the sister was mentioned earlier. The worst thing is that she doesn't appear to have a name: she's just "my sister". Please give her a name!

Chapter 8: Up to now adult Maria's scenes have been in present tense and child Maria's scenes have been in past tense -- which I think is how it should be -- but from chapter 8 onwards you have fourteen year old Maria's story in an odd mixture of present and past tense, which jars with the previous chapters a little. (I'm guessing that you've still got some editing to do from here onwards.) Although I can see that it could be tempting to write it all in present tense, I think that it ought to be in the past tense. The one exception, though, could be the glue-hallucination in chapter 9 -- and this would be even more powerful if the mundane, real events before and after are actually described in past tense.

"Up the Hill Backwards" is a story that should be read by as many people as possible. Please persevere with it! view book

To my mind, "Dreaming in Colours that Don't Exist" reads like a published novel. I think all it needs is a few tweaks here and there and it could be published. I particularly like the descriptions of the house, which bring it alive.

One thought I did have: where is Eden supposed to be? I know its somewhere on the coast, and presumably in England somewhere, but I don't think that we are actually told. (In my imagination I have put it in Cornwall because I picked up a slight Daphne DuMaurier vibe from the opening chapter.) I think it would help crystalise the place in the reader's mind to be given a rough hint to the geographic location, even if it's just the name of the county.

I have read four chapters so far and fully intend to return to read the rest.

Good luck with this, E.J.

best wishes and good writing, John view book

I was chuckling at this from the very first sentence. I read the first four chapters, though I have to admit I got a little lost in chapter four as I didn't recognise the film references. One criticism I do have is that I think there are a few too many "asides" in brackets, which disrupt the flow and make the story slightly harder to read than it needs to be. Under the principle of "less is more", I do think that if you removed some then it would actually make it even funnier. (A good trick is to try reading it out loud and seeing how well the writing flows. Anything you trip over whilst reading can then be re-written.) However, the situation and characters of "Is there something I should know?" are spot on for a comic novel, and I do think that with a touch of judicious editing this book has enormous potential. view book

Club Grimoire Review

Anybody who likes Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett (and there are a lot of them around) will love this book. I actually read three chapters as they are so short -- if I have any criticism, then perhaps the chapters are a little too short? Just as we are getting to know the characters, you jump to another part of the story and we have to start getting to know some completely different characters. All a matter of taste but I did find that a little unsatisfying. You could perhaps add a little bit of description of the characters or the places without slowing down the pace at all.

Tiny nitpick. I would put the sentence "The librarian went deep into thought." at the start of the next paragraph, so that it is in the same paragraph as the librarian's speech.

I look forward to reading more of this book.

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grmoire Review

I won't nitpick the grammar and the punctuation, because I know you are already aware that there are issues to deal with. So I am going to concentrate my comments on the story itself.

I particularly like the moment near the begining of chapter one, when Dracus enters the roundhouse, and the smoke from the fire hangs there "like a spectre ready to pounce." The language has a grand, almost biblical feel to it, like Icelandic Sagas or the Mabinogion. I know that there are plenty of readers out there who love this sort of Celtic mythology inspired epic. The big publishers are likely to pass, claiming that it is 'not commercial' enough for them, but don't dispair. When you get a better grasp of the technical aspects of writing, you'll be able to re-write to clear up all the gliches. I believe you have a draft of the whole series written already: that, in many ways, is the hardest bit done.

I do have one specific suggestion for "The Druids of Caer Gybi" chapter. A large proportion of this chapter is the conversation between Dracus and Barach. It would be nice if the conversation was broken here and there by something happening that isn't dialogue. It could be action, with one or other of the speakers doing something (there is a moment when Barach raises a tankard to his lips -- that is good, but it would be nice to have more little moments like that), or perhaps we could have more of Dracus' thoughts, or even the sound of something happening outside the roundhouse, like a dog barking or children playing. Otherwise the conversation can get a little bit wearying for the reader.

Best wishes and good writing, John. view book

Club Grimoire Review

A Georgette Heyer style novel set in a fantasy world with magic and vampires? A brilliant idea!

I like the way Erconwald capitalises certain keys words in his speech. I can't think of a better way of showing us how pompous he is (other than the fact he acts pompous, of course). Viridian is scatty and very-slightly-annoying as she should be, and Vermilion is a wonderful character. I'm really hoping she will find romance, even though she clearly does not expect to.

I had just one tiny quibble: I did wonder if it might be a little more natural if Vermilion's thoughts about using the apple peel to predict the first letter of a future husband's name (the paragraph in italics) was moved a few paragraphs later to the point immediately after Viridian mentions the game. I don't think that it would disrupt the dialogue too much. Where it stands at present, it seems to me to interrupt Vermilion's thoughts about the Zamorna family and the "Bad Blood". Then Vermilion's explanation of the apple peel game comes in response to Viridian mentioning it first, rather than seeming to preempt it.

I am looking forward to discovering more about Vermilion's world. I suspect that the dangers she will face will be rather worse than unruly children.

best wishes and good writing, John. view book

Club Agatha Review

Now, I thought I'd written the funniest book in Club Agatha, but it looks as though I've got some serious competition. Batty aunts have often been something of a mainstay of comedy, but Astrid and Aurora are up there with the best. The ghost of P.G. Wodehouse, if he's watching, must be getting very, very worried.

The story's nicely set up in Chapter One. We're going on a treasure hunt, and the narrator's family is raving bonkers. Who wouldn't read on?

"Mountains of Titicaca." Sorry to be picky, but Titicaca is a lake; admittedly one surrounded by mountains, but it did trip me up for a second. I know you're using a spot of poetic licence here, but some tiresome pedant is bound to point out that geographic detail eventually, so it might as well be me. "The shores of Titicaca" might be an alternative.

Chapter Two: I'm not sure why the manor has two names. Is it really necessary? If so, perhaps introduce the manor by the name it's generally known by (Wildeve Manor, I presume) then later on explain that the "proper" name is Tanglewood Manor. (Actually, I personally find Wildeve Manor a more evocative name than Tanglewood. To me, Wildeve Manor sounds like a place that could be haunted, Tanglewood makes me think of a music festival in America. That's just me, though.)

Perhaps a tiny grammatical error in first sentence of second paragraph. "I was 17 when I had first set eyes on it." I think this should be simple past tense, so doesn't need the "had". Try removing the "had" and re-reading the paragraph and see if it sounds better. Also a nit-pick: the convention is that the names of numbers up to twenty are generally written out, so it should be "I was seventeen when I..."

Some people are going to say that chapter two is all backstory, and start quoting slogans like "show, don't tell". Although I generally agree with that philosophy, I think this is a case where it doesn't matter too much if it is all backstory. You tell that story in an entertaining and enjoyable way, and that's what's really important. (A thought did pass through my head that a family tree might be useful, however. Perhaps you've already thought that thought yourself.)

All in all, Charades with a Lunatic promises to be an entertaining and funny read. Good luck with it!

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Agatha Review

This review might come over as a little negative, but that is not my intention at all. I think you might have something really good here, but it may need a bit of work on it to reveal the diamond that I think is lurking inside. You make a few mistakes with punctuation and sentence construction which means that I had to work out what you were trying to say in a lot of places. This interrupted the flow and made it a bit of a struggle to read. This is nothing disasterious and are easily fixed; it's just a case of knowing how to fix it.

First, commas. In a couple of places your meaning will come over better by adding some commas. In one place Connor says "I had to leave Alex" which literally means he was with Alex and had to leave her. I realise what you intended to say was "I had to leave, Alex" i.e. he's telling Alex that he had to leave. I realised this was what you meant the second time I read the sentence, but really I should not have had to read the sentence a second time.

There are some places where you use commas it's probably better to split the sentence into two shorter sentences. (This is a common error. It's called the "comma splice".) For example, in one place you say:

"The Austin's soon got used to Alex's ways, one particular memory popped up in Alex's mind, one that was painful but proved a huge step in their relationship."

I would write this as:

"The Austins' soon got used to Alex's ways. One particular memory popped up in Alex's mind, one that was painful but proved a huge step in their relationship."

Stopping and starting the sentence at "One" helps to keep the two ideas separate and makes for a more comfortable read.

Also, you make a couple of tiny errors with apostrophes. For a plural possessive, the apostrophe comes after the s. So (in the sentence above) the possessive of The Austins should be The Austins'. You also have "enquiry's" in one place which should be spelt "enquiries" and "parent's" which isn't used as a possessive so should be "parents" without the apostrophe.

(If you already know all this and these were genuine slips of the fingers then tell me to shut up. I won't be offended.)

I can tell from the other comments that have been made that other readers have not been too put off by any of these technical factors and have recognised the great story that's trying to get out. But at the moment it's a bit like a fuzzy photograph, and making these edits will help bring the story into focus; and, I promise you, an editor or an agent would certainly be more impressed if you get these technical details right.

(Incidently, I learned most of what I know about English grammar from reading novels by authors I respected and working out how they did things, and not from school at all.)

Having got that off my chest, I have to say that you have the makings of a thoughtful, character-driven story here. I can see the start of a mystery taking shape here (I'm already curious about Phillip Barron and wondering what part he's going to play). There is some great imagery, too, such as Alex forcing her way through the London crowds whilst listening to her music, or Lucy dancing at the wedding. Also, what comes over most of all is Alex's sadness (perhaps melancholy is a better word). A reader would have to have a heart of stone (no pun intended) not to empathise with her.

Good luck with "Nothing's Set in Stone".

Best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Review (Supplemental)

I was fairly negative about your earlier prologue in my original review. I have just read your new prologue, and this is much, much better! Big thumbs up from me!

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Critique

I immediately decided that I was going to like this story as soon as I read the pitch. Although I've got a couple of tiny issues with the prologue (some of which are probably my problem, rather than anything to do with the story), by the time I got to the end of chapter one I liked this story even more.

First, though, the prologue. I'm not sure that the sentence "He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age." actually makes sense, logically speaking: it's not only reasonable but actually essential for everyone to live at least as long as their current age, whatever age that might happen to be.

Is "Christmassed" really a word? I kind of inwardly cringed at that. I don't think it's a word that would be in the vocabulary of the 100 year old Arthur.

I liked the line: "Death could find him through the proper channels another time."

I like the placenames, too (Murkle, Brink Stenton). Strange enough to be memorable but at the same time they could very well be real places.

I have to admit I was a bit lost during the second half of the prologue, and the logical part of my brain was wrestling with the mechanics of how a moon could wander, and how it could talk, but that was probably just me thinking too hard, when I should have simply taken the story at face value and got on with enjoying it.

I am sure that the moonbeam landing on the red-roofed house in Brink Stenton at the same time as Jinger and Jessica is born is going to be significant event.

I was more comfortable with chapter one. You've caught Jinger's anxiety of starting at a new school exactly. I'm hoping that nasty twin sister Jessica gets taken down a peg, and when she is, I will be applauding along with the rest of your readers. The chapter does an excellent job of introducing us to the central characters (Jinger, Tabs and Felix) and sets up the fact that this is going to be anything but a normal school story. Good hook into the next chapter two: no one will resist wanting to turn the page.

Good luck with Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon.

best wishes and good writing, John. view book

Club Grimoire Critique

I enjoyed Liminal Lights very much. When I was very little, one of my favourite books was "The Borrowers" and Liminal Lights reminded me just a little of that -- except what the Liminals "borrow" is not physical objects, but a child's magic, which is a particularly interesting idea. I am interested to find out how that magic manifests itself and why the Liminals need it.

I rather like the word "Liminal." It's perfect for describing these creatures (and you're right to avoid conventional words like "fairy" or "pixie" as they come with all manner of negative connotations). However, I wasn't sure if Bean was supposed to be male or female. "Bean" seemed a rather masculine name, but "Zebeana" sounds feminine, so I finally concluded that Bean was a tomboyish girl Liminal. My only concern is that a boy might read this story, start by imagining that the narrator is a boy like himself, then a little later discover that she's a girl and feel a little let down.

The reference to Puck seemed a little out of place. It briefly pulled me out of the fantasy and back into "literature". I'd feel happier if Pritt's character could be established on it's own terms without needing to be compared to a character from Shakespeare.

I've written third-person narratives in the present tense, but never had the courage to use present tense for a first person narrator, so a big thumbs-up for doing that so well here.

If I was buying a present for a child who'd grown bored with conventional fairy tales, then I would be happy to give them a copy of Liminal Lights.

best wishes and good writing, John. view book

Club Grimoire Critique

Arthur is often described as "The Once and Future King" -- there are plenty of novels about the "once" half of his existance, but this is the first that I know of to consider a "future" incarnation of Arthur, too. Interesting!

I have to admit that the only bit of this chapter that I really have to take issue with is the opening sentence. I suspect that you taken a lot of trouble to get this right and re-written it several times over, but by trying to get everything you want to say into this one sentence, it ends up far too complicated for its own good. (Sorry!) I don't understand how a landscape can "embrace" him, and I don't like "seemed to dissolve" which suggests that you're not sure if it dissolved or not. (Presumably, from Arthur's viewpoint, it did dissolve, so the "seemed to" is redundant, even though it did not literally dissolve.) The phrase "forced his head into contact with" is an overcomplicated way of saying "he knocked his head against".

As the first image in the novel is an action--Arthur being blown off his feet by a gust of wind and knocking his head against a standing stone--then just show us that action happening. You don't need to mention the landscape all at this point, because it doesn't matter. In the next paragraph you've got plenty of time to give precise details of the location and anything else you need to say.

The reason why I am concentrating on this one sentence is that the rest of the chapter was fine. It read well, I found Arthur an engaging character--a young man who knows he will soon have great responsibility placed on his shoulders and is eager to do the right thing. The dialogue is just right for a young Englishman who has obviously received the best education available. (Though who knows how anyone will be talking in 88 years time!) I would be more than happy to read on to find out more about him.

I like the image of the mist. I happen to live not too far from Glastonbury (right in the centre of everything Arthurian) and believe me, more than once I have a mist rising from the Somerset Levels that could very well be described as a grey wolf!

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Critique

Prologue: I'm not convinced that it's a good idea to start a novel with a prologue that is (in effect) a geography and history lesson. It's not necessarilly wrong, but it does make it awfully difficult to keep the reader's interest at this early stage. I was so tempted to skip forward to chapter one and the start of the "real" story, and I suspect many of your readers will feel the same. If they do skip it, then it might as well not be there. Also, a part of this prologue could be replaced with a map. (Pity we can't upload maps and diagrams into authonomy.) Would it be better to delay this information untill we are a little further into the story? I know that Will goes on a journey: perhaps there is a point where he reaches a crossroads, with the different roads leading to each of the different kingdoms? Then we can be told about the different kingdoms and how they relate to one another. There's probably another suitable point where you can introduce the back story of the witchhunts.

The King and the Witch: The characters of the King, his son and most especially Miss Hale are very well drawn. The concept of the Rings of Intention is an interesting one, and I am interested to see how you are going to develop this idea. But it does make me wonder what the witch's actual "crime" is supposed to be. Not just practising witchcraft, presumably: if the King is able using a form of witchcraft against her, doesn't that make him guilty of practising witchcraft too? I sense that there is more to Miss Hale's incarceration than we have so far been told.

In the first paragraph, Wilvred is sitting at the king's feet, his back against the arm of the throne, and the King glances at the bou's face--I couldn't work out how the King could see the boy's face from that angle. Surely he's looking down at the top of the boy's head?

Good luck with the Witches of Syhe. I look forward to reading more.

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Critique

The prime purpose of the first chapter is to hook the reader and you have certainly hooked me! In the first section, you communicate Shiren's sense of urgency so well that I found myself reading faster and faster to help him on his way. The relationship between him and his mistress is intriguing, too, and I really wonder how that is going to develop. Shiren is clearly a good man, from how he treats the girl; will he ever overcome his submissiveness to his mistress and stand up for himself? I'm looking forward to finding out.

I think you should state Shiren's name when he is first mentioned in the first sentence, rather than say "he", because it is easier for the reader to identify with a named character. You should definatly leave his mistress nameless, however--that adds to the mystery surrounding her. She is, quite frankly, one of the most villianous villianesses that I have ever encountered!

The girl suspended on invisible ropes and what subsequently happens to her is a truly chilling image. (I'm just pleased that I didn't have nightmares about that last night, after I'd read the chapter.) The section with the sentient mist navigating its way around the valley was a genius way of painlessly introducing the reader to the geography, too.

With my editor's hat on, I have a few little comments: No apostrophe is needed after "its" when it is a possessive pronoun, i.e. "its toes". There's a line: "This ones begs your forgiveness Great Lady." which I think (if Shiren is talking about himself) should be "This one begs your forgiveness, Great Lady," I didn't find any other nit-picks, but I think I was too caught up in the story to notice.

This is a very promising opening. I look forward to reading more. I don't often give a book six stars but I am for "The Green Eyed Girl".

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Critique

I had to read this chapter twice, because I'm afraid to say I found it difficult to understand what was happening. To start with, I thought that Thisbe was lying awake in bed, fretting about her daughter and her immament sacrifice (as she would), and recalling a conversation that she had with Hera in the recent past ("the words echoed in her head, keeping her from sleep"), but a little later it seemed that Thisbe was asleep and Hera was just a figure in her dream. ("Thisbe's dream turned from the battlefield...") So I wasn't sure if Hera was a real character or a projection that Thisbe had created inside her own dream.

After the line "Get up quickly!" the point of view jumps without warning from Thisbe to Maya. I think this would work better if there was a break (such as a blank line) right before "Get up quickly!" as this will let the reader know that a change in point of view is likely. (An alternative idea: I peeked at chapter two because I was intrigued to know what was going to happen next, and Maya is very much the PoV character of that chapter. You could separate the "Thisbe's Dream" section and make that into a prologue; then start chapter one with "Get up quickly!", stay with Maya's PoV when she is put into the boat (with her wondering what is happening) and continue straight in the current chapter two without a break.) Remember that a reader can follow a story more easily if you stay with a single PoV for as long as possible, and if you give the reader a clear indication of where the PoV switches from one character to another.

There's a narrow line between creating a sense of mystery and simply being confusing. "Mother of Monsters" certainly contains mystery, and enough to make me want to read on to find out what happens to Maya. But I'm afraid I found the "is it or isn't it a dream?" at the begining a bit confusing.

I've kind of concentrated on the negatives a bit, but there's a great deal that's good too. The opening paragraph is amongst the best that I have read on authonomy; in fact, it almost acts like an alternative short pitch for the novel. The character of Hera has the potential to become a superb villianess! I am looking forward to find out if (and how) her plans are thwarted.

best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Review

This is beautiful writing, writing that creates an atmosphere and cannot fail to draw the reader in. It transmits Nusa's feelings fluently and sets up the story. We all need to know what is going to happen to her next. And curiously, considering that Nusa is not human, she seems the most human character of them all.

Something is not quite right with the first sentence of the second paragraph. Wearing my pedant's hat, I feel obliged to point out that ending a sentence with a preposition (in this case "through") is generally considered a bad thing. Maybe you could think of rephrasing this sentence. I'm only pointing it out because to me this sentence stands out as peculiar in comparison to the rest of the writing.

There's also a sentence after she runs away from the guard: "Once she had been one of the Mer, her body as suited to the water as a fish's was." I think would work better by simply saying "Once she had been one of the Mer, her body as suited to water as a fish."

I noticed one minor typo. It's where Nusa and her mother see the human in the forest: "The saw each other at the same time," where "The" should be "They". (I think there's a second one like this, in the second half of the chapter, where a letter is missing from the end of a word, but I didn't make a note of it and I can't find it again now. Sorry!)

I love the phrase "the thready beat of her heart". In fact there are lots of phrases that I love; too many to list.

I've kind of concentrated on the tiny faults, which normally I wouldn't do in this sort of review, but the writing is so close to perfection that it's worth tidying up these tiny discrepencies. Once they've been dealt with, you could have a winner here.

Best wishes and good writing, John view book

Club Grimoire Review

This is fun! If I had a face a long, boring train journey, I would be more than happy to take a book of these stories with me--it would make the journey zoom past in no time at all! In "The Musicians" I was having fun picking out the names of 60's pop groups; though I have to admit most of the jokes made me groan rather than laugh. (None of the animals got depressed enough to get the moody blues, however.) I can't fault the writing in the slightest; the voice is pitch perfect and the dialogue of the bickering animals is absolutely spot on. I am really looking forward to reading the other stories. Excellent!

best wishes and good writing, John. view book