Bart,

I was impressed with your book. I found a few errors and listed them as best as I can. It's hard to find them without page numbers or other reference points to help. So, I described the paragraphs as best I can.

Chapter 1 Introduction

I felt this was a bit too long and repeated points too much. I also noted a lack of qualifications for a Non-Fiction book. Most publishers look for your qualifications to make your statements. It gives why people should listen or read you book. It gives where you are coming from. Are you just giving opinions or do you have formal training to show you have a proven and formal background to support your statements. Anyone can write a book and claim to be an expert on a matter, but readers and publishers want to know you are founded in the truth, not self will.

Chapter 2

This chapter sounded like your book is going to be a sequel to some other book.

Paragraph begining with "One of the important points to be made ..." and ends with "Self-Wills to God in ..." The line "Too soon" has a return making a partial sentence a separate paragraph. You need to make the line part of the previous paragraph.

Paragraph "One of the vital features..." "The believer..." "Believer" is normally capitalized as a name.

Paragraph "The leading of God ..." ending "Whatever theater of action ..." Return shouldn't follow leaves "God has placed us in." as a separate paragraph.

Chapter 3

No problems found

Chapter 4

No problems found

Chapter 5

Paragraph "Throughout the gospel of John" and paragraph "The second half of the cross was staring them and is staring us in the face ..." Should read "The secvond half of the cross was staring them and us in the face ..." This reads smoother.

Chapter 6

No errors found

Chapter 7

Second paragraph "Joseph intends to wed Mary ... only to discover before .. Mary is pregnant with child" "Pregnant with child" should read "pregnant" or with child." but never both.

Chapter 8

Subheadiong "God Knows what He is Doing" should be all on one line.

Chapter 9

No problems found

Chapter 10

No problems found

Chapter 11

Paragraph "The real truth..." end with "... and not as a gods." "Word 'Gods' should be singular not plural.

Chapter 12

No problems found

I like your book and thought it deserves a high mark. So I put it on my bookshelf and gave it five-stars. I would like to see it completed.

Best wishes,

Don R. Budd

view book

Kara,

It sounds like you combined two stories. Tonelli, Keith, and Beelzebub are in the Unholy Trinity, while the rest of your notes go to Demon War.

Tonelli and the others are developed over the span of their story. Look at chapter 3 where I reveal how Tonelli fits into the story.

Thank you for your edits. I am rewriting the Unholy Trinity. Then I will rewrite Demon War. I may end up trying to self-publish all three stories.

Best wishes,

Don R. Budd

The writing here is clear, straightforward. Your style gets to the point and yet, you introduce the characters slowly, enough to understand the story without confusion. You include a lot of dialogue, which keeps the pace moving. You have some good hooks at the end of your chapters. I’m wondering how Antonio from the first chapter will fit into the story later. I didn’t quite know where this was going with him and Keith and Beelzebub. I don’t know if I like the way this is written in present tense. I might consider using past tense instead. I think your writing is interesting and your ideas unique. I left you with a couple edits. Hope they are helpful to you.

Ch. 3
He pulls out the note and (dials) the number.
Ch. 4
(“)We are to put on the full armor of God to protect us.”

Wish you the best with this! God bless!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

view book

Kara,

I read the first 15 chapters and really liked your story. It was nice to see the events unfolding. But, I think there are some things that stood out. The Main Character (MC) was not that clear. You showed many lives, but was not focused on the MC. The MC should have been more involved. You had many chapters on other characters instead of the MC. The pace was slow. Within the first chapter or two, you should have hooked the reader. Remember people are not very patient and if not hooked quickly, you would loose them.

Who was the antagonist? Who was the MC up against? There should be a story line of conflict between the MC and the antagonist. This gives the drama. A story has the story line for the MC, antagonist and the line of tension between the two.

I suggest you try "Dramatica Pro". It is software designed to guide you through the story construction process. By answering the programs' questions, you can develop a strong story line. I use this for my new stories. The old ones tend to be weaker. The program is on sale for 99.95 for a short time. Search for it at Amazon.com.

Best wishes,

Don R. Budd view book

Robert,

I read much of your book "Until Shiloh Comes." It is a very well written story with 3D characters. Although I noticed some of the dialogue's slang broke pattern in a few places. The pace is common for a Western story, a bit slow. The characters interact well with each other and show multiple story lines. There seems to be no tension between the characters. This could be remedied later in the story. Who is the Antagonist? Is he the shooter? I prefer a slightly faster pace to the story, but that's just me. I gave it five stars and added it to my bookshelf. Great work!

You might find one of my three stories of interest to you. (Time of Jacob's Trouble; Demon War; The Unholy Trinity)

Don R. Budd view book

Robert,

I read much of your book "Until Shiloh Comes." It is a very well written story with 3D characters. Although I noticed some of the dialogue's slang broke pattern in a few places. The pace is common for a Western story, a bit slow. The characters interact well with each other and show multiple story lines. There seems to be no tension between the characters. This could be remedied later in the story. Who is the Antagonist? Is he the shooter? I prefer a slightly faster pace to the story, but that's just me. I gave it five stars and added it to my bookshelf. Great work!

You might find one of my three stories of interest to you. (Time of Jacob's Trouble; Demon War; The Unholy Trinity)

Don R. Budd view book

Egon,

I read several of your chapters and found them exceptionally written. I only found one small error in chapter two. It was just a space between two words that needed to be inserted. Without page numbers it would be hard to describe where to find the problem. The paragraph begins with "In front of him, on the side, she placed her oldest, and the space needs to go between "youdid." It's just a minor thing.

The characters are well fleshed out and believable. The chapters could have been divided into smaller segments, especially the first one. It seems the chapter had too many topics for one chapter. It made it seem to run on and on.

You handled the details very well and showed the culture and history well. Your main character seemed to develop very well too. She brought some surprises to the story and showed the problems with such a patriachal society. They didn't give the women enough credit. But, you showed them different.

I would like to see this story in print.

Don R. Budd

PS I have three stories you may be interested in. view book

Kerron,

I read The Devil's Crown. It is well written, but has a few typos.

In Chapter 2 (Chapter 1) "All was for Ajabu - Ajabu h have" the "h" needs to be removed.

In Chapter 4 (chapter 5) "After an eternity" You have to go back." Tabbed in too far. The paragraph is misaligned.

Just watch for details.

Don R. Budd view book

Abby,

Thank you for your comment. I will work on it.

Don R. Budd

I like very much the idea of the story. You have a really good premise and it's interesting. I think that it just needs editing, it sounds stiff in some places. I think once that's done this will be a really good book.

Good start.

Abby

view book

Audrey,

Thank you for your note. I usually get comments that I am not showing enough or going into detail enough. Later in the book Antonio has harder time to keep his eyes off his shortcoming. Most of those who read these chapters did not have any problems, or at least did not mention any. The intent is to show rather than just tell. That is the problem most people tell me. They wanted to be shown what these characters are like not just told. I am sorry that this offended you. That was not the intent, but only to show his shortcomings. I have only had one other say it is too much. It is a balancing act.

Thanks again for your input. I will need to revise it again.

Don R. Budd

CCRG Review:

I read the first chapter of your book. I almost stopped reading before I completed it. I think that the homosexual tendencies of your MC could be stated without the visual assistance that you have provided. I was uncomfortable with it, and you could possibly be losing a valuable readership because of it. It would be the same for me if you had an MC that was into prostitution. You can tell me that someone is a hooker without putting her in the room with a John, (or a Jane either, for that matter). Same principle, I believe. It was the sexual connotation that was the problem to me, gender aside. I think for the sake of modesty in this instance less description would be more valuable in the long run. By the time that Keith flexed his muscles a few times (for Tonelli's pleasure) I was done reading. It didn't seem necessary to me. I guess it just depends on your audience on how it will be received. From a Christian perspective I found it unpleasant. (Please note though that I really am quite old-fashioned and I don't read too many Romance novels either.)

I did have a thought on the dialogue for you. I found that you have used 'Asks', and 'Says' repeatedly. Maybe you could possibly find other ways to use the dialogue tags, like: responded, exerted, exasperated; things like that to give the reader the knowledge that they need without overly using the words like ask, or said, or says. Perhaps you can attribute some dialogue by proximity. IE: In your opening dialogue: "Not in person," says Beelzebub as he watches Tonelli. The action is attributed to Beelzebub, and the reader will most likely understand that it was Beelzebub who had just spoken. I could see it being written, "No, not in person." Beelzebub watches Tonelli eye the young man that is with him.

I wish you well with this piece.

Audrey Semprun
Crooked Places Straight, Straight Talk about Hard Places
The Back Track Conspiracies

view book

Inside Dead by Patio

I felt this story needs a lot of work. The words do not seem to flow very well. There are too many adjectives too close together. I know he is showing a lot of detail, but it is too much too soon. I would suggest he rewrite from the ground up and make his sentences flow better. As others suggested, I would suggest he work on his grammar. I had to keep rereading his first paragraph over and over to try to get an understanding of it. Publishers don't have time for this. You only have one quick read of a page if that much to grab a Publisher's attention. We all struggle with this.

I suggest you follow the advice you are given by the other commenters. You sound like you are really working hard to get the next adjective pushed in to a slot. The words should flow not appear forced or made up. Obviously you have a story or you wouldn't be at the level you are at. But, I suggest cleaning up your work and it should shine a lot.

Don R. Budd view book

Hello Judes,

Thank you for your review of my story. The demons win only upto the lesson learned by Tom. Tom stops trying to win. He turns it over to God. The Gospel is presented as Tom must face his demons. Then God deals with the demons for him. Another lesson Tom must learn that when we become Christian, we still must deal with the consequences of our past life. This is a lesson Tom must face as as he loses his new friend.

I have trouble keeping my stories going. I bought Dramatica Pro to help me improve my stories. It's a software package to help writers improve their stories. Most of the time I pray each time I set to write. I pray for guidence.

The first chapter shows what Tom and his friends do. It sets the stage for the rest of the story. The demons eventually get their up-comings later in the story. I have the story finished, but I don't have the whole thing posted. As for the characters not feeling the full force of the terror is because those who really get into this don't understand the real danger of what they are involved with. Therefore, the characters don't seem to get too worked up over it. Even with the attacks by the demons, the characters ,like their real life counter parts, do not see the real danger. They just believe they can eventually win over the "Ghosts." This eventually costs the lives of Tom's friends.

Don R. Budd

CCRG Review

Hi Don,

I sat down this morning to read a few chapters of your book, and finished up reading it all. You have a good easy style of writing, which leads the reader on from chapter to chapter.

I don't really see how the opening chapter fits into the rest of the book - I must have missed something, but then others may miss it too! Your descriptions are very vivid, and will draw the reader in - I couldn't help but see the 'Harry Potter' type of effects at work here.

I feel that the real presence of evil is very much underplayed. I guess it is something that you have experienced, as I have, and your characters seem very laid back about what is, in fact, a really terrifying experience. The visual side is very well portrayed, but they don't seem to feel the real, chilling fear! The Bible references are well chosen and illustrate the way you are leading the reader, but you seem to stop short of getting there. The demons win. Ah, just noticed it is incomplete! I hope that you will finish it, and that the secret of Tom's success is revealed to all. You have a good message to pass on, I look forward to reading the rest soon. Backed and starred.

Judes
Land of Shadows.

view book

I am the one who stated you had bad language in your story. I read your story again. I noted in Chapter 5 Paragragh 5 line 3 a statement "Not Realized SUCKED," and then Chapter 6 paragraph 1 line 3 "Wiped his BOOGERS on my shirt." These statements will not go well with Christian publishers. As for out right cursing, I did not find any such words. I may have gotten your story with another story. For that I apologise.

Your story is well written, but gets too close to foul language and likely won't be accepted by a Christian Publisher. They may edit these statements out or have you drop the whole topic. The rest of the story is fine.

I do apologise for mixing your story with another one.

Don R. Budd view book

Audrey,

I am still getting no responses for my stories. I have critlqued 31 storyies since May and only six or seven for mine. You asked several by name and they critiqued my stories. One said she is behind, so I am waiting for hers. But, no one else even read one. I am not reading any more stories until I get some reads. I think I am not in the right click. If you don't hear from me again, know I am still waiting for a read from some of these people.

Don R. Budd view book

Shelby,

I have been reading you book "Driving Wiinds" and I find it exceptional. You give great detail as you describe Adrianna's problems one after another. It shows the problems of young women of this time period. Each man sees her as property to hold as he wills. You did very well in giving each man a personality. She clings to her faith to get her through each turn of events.

Keep up the good work. You have many fans eager to read your finished and published story.

Don R. Budd view book

Demon War

by Don R. Budd

Demon War is a look at the paranormal thru the Christian veiw. It is a warning for any to get involved

With all the paranormal stories and televison shows today, this gives the biblical point of view. It's a warning not to get involved.

Today most television stations have at least one ghost related program. Ephesians 6:12-18 warns us that we are in a battle with demons not flesh and blood.

This story follows a group of paranormal researchers as they attempt to clear a warehouse. The leader, Tom, learns these are not ghost, but demons. All attempts to clear the warehouse fail. Tom finally gives up on the task and learns to accept Christ and put on the Armor of God.

Tom learns that just becoming Christian does not come easy. He must still deal with the actions or in-actions of his past.

The aim of the story is to keep Christians and non-Christians from getting involved with the enemy. We are already in a battle with evil forces, we must not make it worse.

With all the paranormal stories and televison shows today, this gives the biblical point of view. It's a warning not to get involved.

Today most television stations have at least one ghost related program. Ephesians 6:12-18 warns us that we are in a battle with demons not flesh and blood.

This story follows a group of paranormal researchers as they attempt to clear a warehouse. The leader, Tom, learns these are not ghost, but demons. All attempts to clear the warehouse fail. Tom finally gives up on the task and learns to accept Christ and put on the Armor of God.

Tom learns that just becoming Christian does not come easy. He must still deal with the actions or in-actions of his past.

The aim of the story is to keep Christians and non-Christians from getting involved with the enemy. We are already in a battle with evil forces, we must not make it worse.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/37462/demon-war/
view book

Barnard,

this is a wonderfully written story. It brings the sheep to live in by adding Human characterization to the sheep and wolves. It is great for young readers and adults. It shows the problems of young and old in relationships. Timothy is dissatisfied with his sheep-world. So he goes off to become a wolf, which seems more free. The story talks about dissatified with our own world and try to change to some other world. We all face that at some time. In the Christian world people can get bored and want to change things. This leads to many problems like Timothy.

It does us all good to read this story and pay attention to the message it holds. It shows how we react to our station in life and want to change it only to end up in trouble. We need to learn the lesson this book provides.

Don R. Budd view book

Scott,

I read your book it is a definate devotinal in the adventure mode. I liked it. But, one thing I noticed, you used complexed sentences and each made me uneasy and forced me to read the paragraph several. This is a definite problem for writers. Keep the senteces short and simple.

Your Brother in Christ.

Don R. Budd view book

Audrey,

I read your story. My Question is about your Division markers (-3-, -4-,-5- ect). They look like chapter devisions, bout they are too small. According to the rulls, ther were not to be any devisions other than The chaper numbers they add when you post a chapter or story. These numbers do not restart with each chapter.

Chapter one and on I can feel for the main character. I maded a made a move to a very rural school. I didn't know any one. I learned to rely on Christ and made Him my best friend.. Life with these challangies can seem smaller. The chapters lead into Caroline MacDougall starts showing her Christian upbringing.

I found the story interesting even thought I do not read this genre and audience. It's interesting and geared to a wide range of people. It has a Christian theme that builds through this story.It is an inspiration to lead others to live their Christian life so God's love shines through them regardless of the bullying by classmates.

Great work. I would like to finish this story eventually.

Don R. Budd view book

Scott,

Thank you for the review on my story. You put a lot of work into it. I appreciate it. I will make note of your review and make the necessary changes. You hit the mark with your "nitpicking analysis." I needed this. I will get to work on this right away. I don't think I will post the review. Unfortunately the site has trouble with changes. You have to post a new story. That gets confusing. You cannot just change a word. You must repost the entire story.

Thanks again for your work and your help.

Don R. Budd

CCRG Review

My overall view is that this is a relatively interesting story. It was a relatively quick read and moved along decently. Without getting too deep theologically, I'll say it is relatively theologically "fluffy" but it is a good vehicle to get folks thinking about the battle between good and evil.

Now here's my nitpicky analysis to try to help you improve (I hope this is what you want):
Chapter 2:
"Things are thrown around and looks" should be "Things are thrown around and it looks"
"He locks the door and heads to his desk. He puts his gym bag on it." How about "He locks the door, walks over to his desk, and drops his gym bag on it." Sounds less choppy that way.
Chapter 3:
"A man already exercises there." Suggested "A man is already exercising there."
You have an unnecessary quote in "Yes," we are told to stay away from them,"
"What do I have to do with you, Bob?" - is that or should that be more along the lines of "Well now, what should I do about you, Bob?" Is that the feel you are going for there?
Chapter 5:
The fact that everything is in present tense just strikes me as odd, and I just now caught on to what has been bugging me as I read this story. e.g. "The team enters the warehouse during the afternoon." from Chapter 5. I guess I am just far more accustomed to the narrative portion of most fiction books being in past tense - like a narrator describing events that transpired at some point in the past. This reads more like a play than a novel.
"No, it's a total lose." should be "total loss". Immediately after that, sits should be sets.
"wouldn't prefer to" should be "would prefer not to"
Chapter 6:
"Her blonde hair appears like a sculpture..." should be "Her blonde hair looks almost like it was sculpted..." or "The golden butterfly comb holds her blonde hair in place so firmly that it appears to have been sculpted"
"Her face looks heavily painted" should be "Her face is heavily painted"
Chapter 7:
"Tom and Sue sit up a new camera" they should set it up, not sit it up.
Chapter 11:
I have finally come to peace with the present tense thing. It's no longer a major distraction, just a minor distraction like a buzzing in my head as I read the story.
"Your mine!" should be "You're mine!"
Chapter 12:
"Products must move no matter what. It cannot be allowed to stay put for long." It should be they - the pronoun is referring to products.
Chapter 13:
"hideous firry creature" should be "hideous furry creature"
Chapter 16:
"The middle-aged man with balding hair" The man ought to be balding or his hair thinning or receding. Hair doesn't bald.
Chapter 17:
"I would advice" should be "I would advise"
"It could turn very deadly" - go find Mark Twain's advice on the word very. I read that again the other day and laughed before going back through my latest manuscript to remove a whole lot of "very".
Chapter 18:
"The groups runs out" should be "The group runs out"

view book

I will change the place where Kevin's name is revealed. The phone conversation is a good place. I will also leave out the discriptions of race. I wanted people to see exactly what I saw in the story. Leaving these details won't change the story. They did not have any importance to the story other than create a visual reference.

Kevin does not connect with the Bible until chapter 19 when he meets a group of Christians. This is also when the Christcian element begins and his flee to Canada.

Dear Don, I have read the first four chapters of your book with interest, although I must say at time I was lost.
In ch 1 you set a brilliant scene of what can be expected and the main character, Kevin, is first only identified as "the man" I can\t quite decide if that helps the plot or not, but it does create some anticipation to continue reading. You show quite clearly that even though the President announced that there was an alien invasion, the man seemed disinterested, but so did everybody else and in the 2nd ch I get the same feeling.
The only change is that Kevin is identified, he carries on with his training session and is not very concerned about what is happening in the world.
That is of course how things normally are. People ignore danger signs and rather prefet to continue with daily activities. Kevin seems to be unconcerned. I'm assuming this is so because he knows something others don't know - does he look at scripture or is the President doing so, with the marking on the foreheads carrying on.
It will be interesting to see how the story develops from here, but stars for writing about a very difficult subject.
I wish you success with your story on authonomy
kind regards
Maretha/ Animal Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

view book