Fara picked up the ringing phone
"Hello"
"Hello, its Mr Spat here"

Phone was ringing and Fara picked up the phone and said 'Hello'
"Hello its Mr Spat here view book

Your attempts to write the back story into the first few paragraphs give your work a juddering start, and although I found your dialogue easy to read, your characters lack the individuality to take a life of their own. view book

Unfortunately this work fails to hit the mark, less told through the eyes of a boy, more the man who has difficulty expressing the true emotion felt all those years ago.
I did the same, wrote a memoir of my time in the Andrew and where yours is too late, mine was too soon, dripping with jack speak, so much so that no one outside of the mob could understand.
They were good times, but the only people who'd ever understand them, are the ones we served alongside and more often than not we missed that opportunity view book

You may want to limit the use of "her" in your character descriptions. This pronoun makes 15 appearances in the 3rd paragraph. view book

I like your work, although I was left hanging for a second by "rolling along like a film from the early nineties" ideally I would have preferred this expanded. On the whole I’m impressed. I sha'll place you on the far right of my shelf.
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I find your attempts to fill our ears with the sounds within your book distracting, beyond pitter patter the rain although endless in the story begins to grate and extends the read to something less enjoyable view book

Sorry, but I tried. No matter what realm, world or time a tale takes me, it still has to seem believable and as chapter 1 leaves me more in my mind of a glam metal music video than a captivating story, you lost me as a reader. The beauty of music is that the song will inevitably end; I fear that 134K of this will never view book

As hard as i try, I can't seem to get beyond the never ending use of I. I thought I would give it a try to look beyond my customary "Anti Prologue attitude". Alas I found nothing that I could cling to and to be quite frank i i i i i i i i can read no more view book

This reads more like excited lyrics than a written work. You need to breath, and slow your world up, you may write at a 100 mph but it's hard to read that fast continuously. view book

The continuous use of "He" at the beginning of sentences makes it seem far more like a history lesson than an action sequence. Hiding "he" within the sentence would make it far more fluid and will keep action in the present tense

He took to the cover of the trees in the same direction he was originally headed, picking up where he'd left off

Taking to the cover of the trees in the same direction he was originally heading, he picked up where he'd left off.
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Not bad, fluid even, dialogue doesn't differ from characters greatly, but narration does enough to hold the reader. I would have expected less from a cold caller. I shall back you until I find someone not quite so needy. view book

I have them in my car, aquired listening, aquired reading, for me, far more lead than zeppelin view book

Shelve this and come back to it when you have written other works. I see too many issues with styles clashing, and in the use of past, present tense. Sometimes we have to let go of what we love and start with another blank canvas to develop as writers. view book

You have created a sweet read, full of mysticism and belief; it is rare to have a cold caller who actually brings warmth. Congratulations you have my backing view book

You're established, so you don't really need me blowing your trumpet for you. Suffice I would read your work to my children and probably enjoy doing so view book

The chicken that Rachel was slicing, had no mention until she put it down. I assume two hands are required for this. To me it just seemed gappy. Maybe poking at the chicken with the knife whilst on the phone would be good prelude to slicing. view book

I don’t believe prologue has any place in modern fiction. A writer should unfold anything of importance in the books text. I mean, look at it this way, do HarperCollins provide a prologue entry or does their system start at chapter One view book

Your characters all speak with the same voice, yours. I believe separation would be assisted if the description of the person you are trying to avoid is provided earlier in the text. view book

"I can't stand first person narrative, an automatic turn off. Yours is the first work that I've read and not felt the I's jumping off the page, a true accomplishment. I'm very impressed" That is what i commented on Wine Dark, Sea Blue by A.L Michael, I'm sorry that can't say the same for this. view book

I like what you do, but I think you would benefit from breaking up your characters descriptions. view book