David Grant:

Please know that my comments are Only my opinion, so use them as you see fit.

I looked at your short and long pitch. The short one was clear - we see where you are going with this. The long pitch was a bit hard for me to follow as there are so many characters introduced. Even though all these characters may play a central part in the story you don't have to mention them all here. What you really want to show is a snap shot of what PROBLEM is driving these characters and what are the kind of OBSTACLES standing in their way. We, as readers, need to see a sense of urgency brewing.

Into the chapter, for me, this story was hard to get into. Because of my lack of exposure to maritime life, the vocabulary and phraseology used rang hollow. Since I am unfamiliar with the game of cricket that England and Australia is playing it is hard for me to visualize it and what the real relevance it holds in the story. For these reasons I feel ill equipped to offer a thorough review of the story. Best Wishes.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

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LL RooK:

Sorry for the delay in a critique. As you may know the pressures are very great when you are in the top 5; that business had to take priority. I like to take my time and give a writer their just review. Now that I'm out of this jungle I can now do that.

Here is what I found as I read your script.

The sentence "He stood before me, the obvious leader of the trio and I glared back at him," is contradictory. (He stood 'before' me suggests that he is standing in front of you. When you say, "I glanced back at him it sounds like you had to turn around) Do you mean you looked at him? If you remove 'back' the sentence would be clear.

Another sentence, "His hold on my arm had loosened slightly and I tore free from his grasp and punced the one holding my right arm in the throat," is wordy. Consider making this sentence a part of the prior paragraph as you are talking about the same person. Also consider breaking up into the two sentences -- it is too long. Also modifiers should be closely linked. Consider:

"His hold on my arm had loosened slightly so I tore free." (Begin the next paragraph with this other tyrant on your right. Consider: "When punched in the throat, the man holding my right arm released me, his hands rising to his neck and his eyes bulging. (This picture tells us that this man was taken aback by the MC's actions)

Another sentence: "I took advantage of those few precious seconds I had stolen and bolted from their reach, abandoning my basket though I knew I would surely be punished for it later. (Wordy)

Consider: "Using those precious seconds, I bolted abandoning my basket." (You don't want to give away too much up front. Let the reader wonder what ill will will befall the MC by leaving behind her basket. Sometimes less is more. You want to keep us reading -- guessing what is about to happen.

The story is gripping. It is one in which we can immediately get into character because even as an adult I tend to stay away from strange groups when walking down the street. I saw a show on Oprah and she too admitted that she does the same thing. Singly these same people may be fine, but when in groups they may be pressured by their peers to do things they might never even consider. So you've already captured the reader's imagination. Just give this baby lots of polish. It will make a far better read.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)


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Julie Miller:

I can so sympathize with Ly on having to move away from everything that was so familiar to her. Change is sometimes a very scary thing, even as adults, but often when we embrace it we find there are benefits to be had on that new journey. This is, however, a pretty hard thing for a little girl to grasp. This appears to be a heart warming story. Through Ly's struggles perhaps other girls out there will be able to draw strength and the will to move forward in spite of their struggles. Best of luck with this. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

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Edward Smith:

If you pitch is any indication of what your story is about, you will not only do well here, you will surely get published. Your pitch is one of the best I have seen on the site and your writing is extraordinary. I look forward to reading this. Backed.


Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Marilyn Rodwell:

This is quite a tale. I have often heard that the Indian's had arranged marriages, but have never really been taken inside of this kind of cultural experience. You do a wonderful job of pulling the reader in. the mean mother-in-law - the trap that she has set for the poor Latchmin. Rajnath is helpless, and is clearly no match for his mother, but very much wanting the best for his wife. I find myself wanting to know exactly what is going to come of Latchmin and Rajnath after this read. Nicely done. With some tightening this will surely be a hit. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Terry Murphy:

I read chapter 1. The MC was in a car, I would later discover that it was possibly a limo since Jimmy appears to have a driver. Tommy is the Jerk sitting next to Eddie, giving him pure hell. I'm wondering why Eddie is in the car with these jerks. Its clear that jimmy has ordered Tommy to rough Eddie up because he gave an interview to the newspaper over his objection.

This story is filled with suspense from the beginning, albeit I think some of the after though of the MC could be obliterated without loosing the actual meaning. For example: "I wondered why Jimmy C could care less? But rather than study into the aforementioned, yet not-always-easy-to discern, "don't fuck with me," territory, I obliged nonetheless."

Consider: "I wondered why Jimmy C cared. 'Like he'd been to four funerals in one day. Worse than shit." In this version we don't stop the flow of the action. His response gives us a clue as to what he is like, even though we don't have all the other afterthoughts mentioned here. It is a delicate balance between trying to let the reader inside of the characters' head and over indulging.

You have done a great job of painting descriptions, but remember each word, sentence, and paragraph must serve to move the script forward. I love your writing style. It is original and the characters definitely comes across as believable. For all these reasons I happily backed this story.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Bobby Newlyn-Jones:

You start your story telling us that it is a good day for a stroll. The very next sentence you start telling us why it is Not a good day for a stroll. (This is an oxymoron) Its sometimes okay to use those, but it appears out of order here. You spend and intire paragraph disproving your first sentence.

It appears that you are writing in narrative form hoping to flush out your characters. Unfortunately, it comes across much too wordy. For example; "That is not to say, however, that it was rainy because that would be lieing." You want to trim the fat from the sentence so that only the inteneded message comes through. We know from reading this sentence two things. The wetness did NOT come from the rain and that the MC don''t like lying. I believe that the same message could be conveyed with less words.

Consider: Leading off with the truth. It WAS NOT a good day for a stroll. Then tell us why. You might put in that the MC was not one to lie in a lead off as well. Exampe: It was NOT a good day for a stroll; lieing about it would go against everything I was taught." Certainly this arrangement may not be to your liking and it is far from perfect, but I wanted to show how you could reduce your words and get the intent ed affects.

Go through the script and cut out the fat! This will make for a better read. (Backed for encouragement)

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Jeff Wade:

You start your prologue off strong, action packed and very engaging, and it is filled with intrigue. the problem, however, (what this girl faces) is diminished as you move into chapter 1 with what seems like idle chit chat between Grace, Jessie and the pastor. It is also hard to imagine someone being brutally tortured praying "Thank you God for this," at least--not at the time of the actual torture. This person would be praying for their survival.

You have set off a fire storm here. Rid it of the unnecessary chatter, but keep the meat that cuts to the heart of the characters, indeed you will have a compelling story.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

R. W. Coffman:

You set up a very strong jaw breaking scene with Sconder's escape. Having read all of Chapter one, I was somewhat dismayed by the fact that Sconder had gone through all this trouble to escape when, in fact, his Master Arnol was actually trying to prepare him for the day he would actually leave. It seems that Sconder's escape could be used to build a major conflict. Instead we have Sconders secretly planning an escape, fearful of being caught when the master was setting him up to go all along. It seems a strange dichotomy or white elephant, if you will. Backed for encouragement

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Elijah Enyereibe:

This is clearly a story with a purpose; it must be told. You want to be careful though of using excessive wordage to describe a scene or when doing dialog. Please know that the opinion expressed here is my own; use as you see fit.

During my reading I noticed the following kinds of things:

In the sentences: "Umberto Lucky Luciano woke up in the glory of that breaking dawn, a good day, and decided to call his friend, Paolo Geanaski. He sluggishly picked up his cell phone and dialed out Paolo's number. "Hello! Hello! There was a familiar and immediate response, "Yes, Umber! Whats the matter? Are you okay?"

(It's not clear here who is saying the "Hello," as its unnatural for the caller to first say the first 'hello.' It is not necessary to tell us there was a familiar response -- simply show it through your dialog. If Paolo is the one who said 'Hello' you don't want to break up his dialog--you can really leave it out. The point is made without it.

Consider:

Umberto Lucky Luciano awoke and decided to call his friend, Paolo Gianaski.
"Yes Umber! What's the matter? Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. You?"
"fine, but your call frightened me."

The change in paragraph suggests that there is another actor speaking.

Go through or have someone do a thorough edit of the manuscript to tighten it up. (Cut out the fat) Keep the lean and I think you will have a real winner here. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Christian Piatt:

I'm not quite sure what your intentions were in writing this book, but it certainly cuts to the heart of family planning. Just when you think you've got it all figured out the unthinkable happens. Many have been faced with this 'happenstance' as is indicative of the many teenagers who find themselves the older siblings of newborns. Since the issue of abortion is forbidden for those in both the Catholic and Mormon faiths it seems an open and shut case. Have the baby, adjust to life as new parents - FUCK IT! (SMILE) Nicely done. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Carrie Lopez: (The Darkwood Tales:

Please know that the OPINIONS expressed here are my own; use as you deem appropriately.

In the sentence: "Her hair, once vibrantly red now lay as a pale ghost in wavy long sheets down her back." I can't imagine hair laying as pale ghost - consider removing it from the sentence as it seems a strange simile.

Consider: Her hair, once vibrantly red now white, lay in waves down her back."

Another sentence: "When I was growing up, she always would pull it up, showcasing her beautiful face; now, she has not the strength or the will to do anything with her locks." (Wordy - awkward)

Consider: When I was growing up, she pulled her hair up, showcasing her beautiful face; now she did nothing with her locks.

The sentence: "Her eyes were once as green as freshly growing moss along the banks of the river but devastation now haunts them and creates a dimmer version." (Wordy)

Consider: Her eyes, once green as freshly growing moss along the river banks were haunted by devastation.

The paragraph: "This is how it has been for five years and there are certainly days when I wish to flee from here. To find a new fresh home with none of the dark and painful memories held in these walls. (The later is not a complete though so it should be joined with the prior sentence.)

Consider: This is how it has been for five years; certain days I wish I could flee to a home with none of the dank and painful memories held in these walls.

Consider going through the script and weeding out words that 'can be removed' without changing the flow of the sentence of its meaning. You have a good story flowing here. Remember each word, phrase, sentence, and paragraph in the story should serve a purpose. As you began to tweek, hunt for those excessive words. All in all though I enjoyed the read. Backed

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Kevin m. McGreer:

I read through chapter 3. It is clear that young Jasper is a true product of his father yearning desperately for his approval with his every decision. Even as he meets the beautiful Jennifer Daniels he struggles with the notion of whether or not he should even consider the service--but the underpinnings of his father's ghosts pulls him in - he surrenders.

You craft Jasper's character so artfully we can see how he becomes the individual whose ONLY purpose is to nail the individual who took away his precious gift--his daughter. At the end of Chapter 1 you leave us with a very good cliff hanger. We are wondering just what is in store for Jasper as he walks through that jail corridor.

At the end of Chapter 2 yet another strong cliff hanger taunts us. "Nodding, Jasper hugged him, sobbed once, and then passed out in his father's arms." This is powerful stuff; keeps the reader turning those pages. I only found one sentence that "to me" was unclear.

"His father wanted him to be downwind of the smell" (Unclear) I guess the terminology through me a bit. Having looked it up though I realize that it means: In the direction of the wind.

This is crisp, clean, detailed and edgy writing. You know EXACTLY what you are doing. Very fine stuff and happy to have backed this one.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Kevin m. McGreer:

I read through chapter 3. It is clear that young Jasper is a true product of his father yearning desperately for his approval with his every decision. Even as he meets the beautiful Jennifer Daniels he struggles with the notion of whether or not he should even consider the service--but the underpinnings of his father's ghosts pulls him in - he surrenders.

You craft Jasper's character so artfully we can see how he becomes the individual whose ONLY purpose is to nail the individual who took away his precious gift--his daughter. At the end of Chapter 1 you leave us with a very good cliff hanger. We are wondering just what is in store for Jasper as he walks through that jail corridor.

At the end of Chapter 2 yet another strong cliff hanger taunts us. "Nodding, Jasper hugged him, sobbed once, and then passed out in his father's arms." This is powerful stuff; keeps the reader turning those pages. I only found one sentence that "to me" was unclear.

"His father wanted him to be downwind of the smell" (Unclear) I guess the terminology through me a bit. Having looked it up though I realize that it means: In the direction of the wind.

This is crisp, clean, detailed and edgy writing. You know EXACTLY what you are doing. Very fine stuff and happy to have backed this one.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Kevin m. McGreer:

I read through chapter 3. It is clear that young Jasper is a true product of his father yearning desperately for his approval with his every decision. Even as he meets the beautiful Jennifer Daniels he struggles with the notion of whether or not he should even consider the service--but the underpinnings of his father's ghosts pulls him in - he surrenders.

You craft Jasper's character so artfully we can see how he becomes the individual whose ONLY purpose is to nail the individual who took away his precious gift--his daughter. At the end of Chapter 1 you leave us with a very good cliff hanger. We are wondering just what is in store for Jasper as he walks through that jail corridor.

At the end of Chapter 2 yet another strong cliff hanger taunts us. "Nodding, Jasper hugged him, sobbed once, and then passed out in his father's arms." This is powerful stuff; keeps the reader turning those pages. I only found one sentence that "to me" was unclear.

"His father wanted him to be downwind of the smell" (Unclear) I guess the terminology through me a bit. Having looked it up though I realize that it means: In the direction of the wind.

This is crisp, clean, detailed and edgy writing. You know EXACTLY what you are doing. Very fine stuff and happy to have backed this one.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Miguel Lamiel:

This was an easy read but I found myself asking where is the MAJOR conflict. From the prologue we know that Paul's purchase at the Auction would ultimately be problematic, but that doesn't surface until the end of chapter 2.

At the end of chapter 1, we see Paul at a memorial with thoughts about another woman he might have married over his wife. What would be helpful here is a CLIFF HANGER, something to pull the reader in - make him/her want to know what is coming next. Jane Beale's appearance seemed to surface out of thin air, especially given the fact that she had never been mentioned before. If she is to be a player in Paul's life, consider having him have thoughts of her prior to the end of the chapter. You could then build tension around that relationship.

Something else you want to watch is your transitions. We see Paul at the Memorial, then at the auction. Consider putting in a transition statement to bridge that gap. Example: At the end of chapter 1 you could have Paul looking at the memorial, but suddenly realize the urgency of getting to the auction. (Something to bridge the gap) What you want to do at the end of chapter 2 is build tension. Get the reader hyped up. Make them wonder about what lies ahead with those stone. You'll then not only have a manuscript that is easy to read, but one that FORCES the reader to keep reading. Backed for encouragement.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Toby Dorr:

Whew! All I can say is that I'm glad that you have grown as a result of this experience; you went threw pure hell. This is not to excuse the behavior, as punishment is justified, but I loathe the manner in which inmates are treated. The scene where you got yanked out of that truck by your hair by that officer is horrific. I've watched MSNBC's programming of lockup. I had never heard of 'toilet talking' so I learned something from this story. One thing is for sure -prisoners have all the time in the world to be creative. This is a disgusting practice but I guess the self gets lost within the confine of those cells.

I broke my own rule and read all 10 chapters of this story. I'm saddened by the fact that your son's have not been able to reach out to you. Its unfortunate that some truly feel that ONE MISTAKE totally colors the rest of our beings. I feel that having put this story down on paper was therapeutic, for it is in the written word that we often find ourself. May God bless you to continue to grow and I hope that those love ones will accept you for the new and improved you. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Mick Arnold:

Please know that the OPINION expressed here is my own; use as you see fit. During my read I noticed: In the sentence: He's seeing some rangy tart in the next year down from us." (Confusing-wordy) Firstly, we don't know what you mean by saying 'the next year down from us'. Is it 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th grade?)

Consider: "He's seeing some rangy tart in the ____ grade; a grade below us."

In the sentence: "Does that make him what you call a cradle-snatcher mum? (Wordy)

Consider: "Does that make him a cradle snatcher mum?"

When you say "Louise's mother place the knife down that she'd been cutting up the carrots for the evening's meal with and turned down the radio." You could state message with less words. (The reader will assume that the carrots are being cut to be consumed later, so it is irrelevant here.)

Consider: "Louise's mother, who had been cutting up carrots, suddenly placed the knife on the table then turned down the radio.

Consider introducing Glady's fletcher when you first mention 'Louise's mother, because this paragraph, as it stands now, is quite confusing. When you describe a character initially as you do Louise's mother, instead of giving her a name, then start referring to her daughter Louise, then back to Glady's Fetcher's MOTHER all in one paragraph the reader can lose site of who is who.

You describe a scene where Louise blew her nose on a handkerchief, then later passed it to her mother who put it in her pocket.(Pretty disgusting scene). We see mom ask for the 'kitchen roll'; you need to identify this 'kitchen roll' as paper towels, roll of tissue, etc. so we get the feel that MOM now needs to blow her OWN nose. (Not asking for a bread roll) This will make it clear that Mrs Fletcher is blowing her nose, not Louise.

Later you have Louise picking up a carrot (I thought they had been cut); wasn't this the job that Ms Fletcher had stopped to console Louise? (Need clarification)

Go through the manuscript and look for other such occurrences to tighten the script. (Backed for encouragement)

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Paul a. Lindberg:

You exclaimed: "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Perhaps selfishly I thought - it would be so wonderful to have this explained in such a way that it could be applied to our everyday lives. What comes to mind for me is (there are so many) but BILLS. What are we but slaves to our creditors as we sink deeper and deeper into DEBT? Slavery to religious traditions that keeps us serving a CHURCH building instead of 'serving each other.' Slavery to GREED even as it forsakes all those around us... I could go on and on as you can see here. You have certainly opened up many issues for discussion.

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love served one another." Again, how many are absorbed in their quest for MONEY- even as the masses suffer!" These are some powerful messages, messages I'd love to see explored more clearly so that the AVERAGE Joe can understand what our sole purpose is for being on the planet.

In the sentence "And what could smell more Jewish that the Feast of Israel? (Change 'that' to 'than.' Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book

Ian Kraft:

Please know that the OPINIONS expressed here are my own; use as you deem appropriate.

Taking a look at the pitch then chapter 1, I'm left asking "Where is this going?" What is the PROBLEM that the MC must solve? WHAT is standing in his way of solving it?

You want to have the PROBLEM stated rather early in the story. This is what grabs the reader. Yes, we know that the MC is a con man--you've mentioned that on several occasions. We even know what his game is. We still don't know yet what the man is trying to do other than scam people on the pretense that he is selling them weapons--Hardly a big enough PROBLEM to justify writing the story, so HIT US up front with the PROBLEM facing the MC. Also do a thorough edit as some of the sentences are quite wordy. Backed for encouragement

Ida L. (Silent Storm) view book