Incredible opening lines. It's dark and roughly hewn, piling up the tension with short sentences and plenty of full pauses, just don't over-use it or the effect of tension will being to wear off. As it goes on, I suggest filling out your sentences, using a few clauses instead of these short, dramatic sentences to preserve the emotion that comes with all these full pauses to make them really impactful.

I also suggest changing 'pour' when describing the rain because you use a series of onomatopoeias and then drop into a verb.

No multiple punctuation marks. One is more than enough to emphasize the point you're trying to make, more comes off as a distraction. The same goes with letter repetitions, but with this just use the effects sparingly since it tends to be used to drag out onomatopoeias.

For some parts, your short sentences really work, but using them during the entire chapter is creating a barrier between the reader and what is happening. Like I mentioned before, longer sentences with more detail would be great. Use your senses to fully envelop a reader in the world you've created, smell, taste, touch, etc.

I think some editing would go a long way, what you have now reads more like a screenplay than a novel, which gives it a really unique style but personally I find it grating after five chapters.

These are just my personal opinions, so feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with.

Best of luck with your novel, the scenes are very original and very visual even with the limited information. They leave a strong impact, rated high. view book

When I first saw all those commas in the first sentence, my soul died a little bit. But, after reading it, it works. It establishes a strong, aggressive voice that carries on throughout the entire chapter.

The second sentence reads funny to me, I'm wondering if it should be 'God was it good' or 'God, it was good'. Personally I like the former. I believe if you break it off and make it it's own paragraph that it would make the line stronger, almost as impactful as the first line.

I suggest raising the stakes to your drug-altered character. It seems rather drastic that he would lash out like that from being flipped off. Perhaps if you throw in something about the humiliation of being denied in front of his subjects, carrying over his King ideal, etc. that amps up the tension.

For your action orientated scenes, specifically the physical fights, I think it would be a good idea to cut down. Less is more; you want to keep the fighting as face paced and intense as the rest of your prose.

The only other suggestion I have (now on Chapter 7) is that you shorten up your paragraphs a bit. Some are connected by threads to the subject matter and would do just fine as a smaller section, just for easier reading.
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First off, just a bit of nit-picking. In most published works all numbers are written out (ex. one, two, ten, etc.) with few exceptions. I think that thirty should be written as such, instead of using 30. Again, just nit-picking.

You have a very strong literary voice. With your third paragraph, I would break it in half with 'I write this...' as the start of a new paragraph. This extra pause of sorts would really emphasise what you have to say about where you come from.

In my opinion, your closing line is the strongest of your prologue. It puts the darker aspects of the memoir behind and embraces change, a very powerful and memorable shift.

I understand that what you have been put through is rough to talk about, but in the first couple paragraph you lose the intimacy that you developed in the prologue. It comes off as just a documented series of offences. I think you need to open that door again, real delve into your memories and experiences and bring back that sense of vulnerability that you had in the prologue.

When you put yourself down on a page, whether on a napkin or a white Word Document, you can't censor yourself. It takes away the impact of your words. You don't need a fancy vocabulary or fantastic grammar (which you have in abundance) to talk about your life.

I really commend you for not only writing this, but sharing it with a massive group of people that you don't know. You've opened your life to the tiniest amounts of scrutiny and to show more isn't going to be an easy journey but a memoir has no walls, no secrets, and that's what makes them so impactful. view book

Break up the first paragraph. You have a lot going on, especially with the considerable information that's given via the news coverage of Dark Matter's performance.

Other than that, the first chapter was a really interesting and effective hook. Incorporating a few, one or two, sensory descriptions would be great. Maybe say something about the texture of the guitar, at the beginning of the possess or at the end, the feel of the grooves. Sensory descriptions (used sparingly) really add depth to the narrative.

Sentence starters. There are endless ways to begin a sentence so you avoid multiple 'The's in a row. In your first paragraph of chapter two, you have all but one sentence that starts with The. It is a very simple way to begin but repetitive and takes away from the narrative.

Your dialogue punctuation is incorrect. Second piece of dialogue in paragraph two should have a comma after 'Gesturing...she said[,]' because your introducing dialogue. Also it is a general rule of thumb that a new paragraph is starting every time a character speaks. So, a new paragraph would begin with 'Gesturing...'

Here's a great resource for punctuating dialogue: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html

Great suspense built up in the third chapter. But there was a lot of telling going on, a bit of an info dump that nudged the narrative forward instead of pulsing along as did the past two chapters.

I'd like to see a little more explanation, by that I mean character reactions and memories that show a trait instead of stating it. For example, you could say John Doe is quick tempered. Or you could have John Doe lose a game and have him lash out at his competitor. It just adds depth to the character.

So far I'm enjoying the read, it's got a pretty steady pace and that chapter lengths are nice, a bit on the short side, but easy to follow.

Watchlisted and Rated. view book

I think that your first paragraph comes off as very wordy. There's a lot of over-the-top description and it distracts from what's actually occurring. This meaning that unless it's currently relevant and propels the story forward, it is unnecessary words that slow down the pace.

I suggest cutting down the description but I would leave the line 'his white...smeared cocaine' alone, perhaps moving it to be the first line of the novel. It is very strong visually and I think it makes a perfect hook.

Okay, sentence variety is your friend. You tend to favor long, very visual and informative clauses. Try varying the length. A short sentence can do a lot to get the idea across and works as a very effective suspense builder.

I adore your dialogue. Often writers tend to over exaggerate accents or ignore nationality all together, having each character speak like an average educated American, but you flawlessly work with the different speech patterns without going over the top.

Chapter one felt rather long-winded to be in the sense that there was a lot going on all at once. But there's a very good chance it was my brain trying to muddle through the dialogue. At times I was a bit lost to the time, it felt rather jumbled and I had a difficult time distinguishing present events from past.

Overall it is an impressive, very memorable piece of writing but my brain is not hard-wired for the language and pattern differences, so I find it hard to follow. Best of luck working to get this on the Editor's Desk, like I previously mentioned it is honestly a great piece of writing. view book