Hello all,
I am trying to describe the goblins in my new WIP. I wanted to see what you thoughts are about the description and what I should add or take away.


The goblins were hulking brutes, taller and larger than the average man. They had huge portly bodies that were scantily clad with torn strips of cloth. Their massive heads were often riddled with horns and a gapping mouth filled with sharp pointed teeth, while their eyes were black and glossy, able to see clearly through the darkness nights.

The smell of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin. So foul, that one could smell them coming, way off in the distance.

They could also talk. But when a goblin spoke, they grunted, forcing one word out at a time and then using their arms to point or display actions, instead of struggling through a whole sentence.




Posted: 08/08/2012 15:57:57

report abuse

this is my suggestion to be used or discarded at will:

The goblins were huge hulking brutes, taller and larger than the average man, with their portly bodies scantily covered with torn strips of cloth. I would add in some sort of joke or comparison here. Sorry I can't oblige at the mo but my brain isn't in writing mode yet. . Their massive heads were riddled with horns instead of saying often why not use this as an identifying marker for the goblins much like hair colour or scars and a gapping mouth filled with sharp pointed teeth, all the better to skewer you with, whilst their eyes black and glossy, like shimmering onyx stones, could spot the smallest movement in the darknest night. One twitch and you're dinner.

And oh dear me, the stench of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin! So foul, one could smell them coming, way way off in the distance. They could talk too. More like grunt, forcing out one word then using their arms to point or display actions thus making their statement clear, Honestly, you can't expect a goblin to want to talk, it's hard work with such small brains.


If this is for kids it needs to be a bit more cheery if you get what I mean. Hope that helped.

Posted: 08/08/2012 16:11:35

report abuse

Thanks JD, as always much appreciated!!!!

Posted: 08/08/2012 16:16:32

report abuse

Thanks JD, as always much appreciated!!!!

Pleasure. It's fun.

Posted: 08/08/2012 16:18:06

report abuse

I think we all know AudreyB is a fan of action verbs. Do you see how your second paragraph has much more impact than the first??


Original:
The goblins were hulking brutes, taller and larger than the average man. They had huge portly bodies that were scantily clad with torn strips of cloth. Their massive heads were often riddled with horns and a gapping mouth filled with sharp pointed teeth, while their eyes were black and glossy, able to see clearly through the darkness nights.

The smell of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin. So foul, that one could smell them coming, way off in the distance.

They could also talk. But when a goblin spoke, they grunted, forcing one word out at a time and then using their arms to point or display actions, instead of struggling through a whole sentence.


AudreyB suggestions
The hulking brutes stood taller and larger than the average man. They wore torn strips of cloth that barely covered their huge, portly bodies. They skewered enemies with the horns protruding from their massive heads, bit them with sharp pointed teeth, saw them breathe their last no matter how little light remained with black, empty eyes.

The smell of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin, so foul, that one could smell them coming, way off in the distance.

They could also talk. But when a goblin spoke, he grunted, bleating one word at a time and using his arms or horns to point or suggest actions.

Posted: 08/08/2012 16:40:55

report abuse

Thanks so much AudreyB!!!

Posted: 08/08/2012 21:28:13

report abuse

These don't sound like any goblins I ever heard of.

Posted: 08/08/2012 21:29:47

report abuse

These don't sound like any goblins I ever heard of.

Have you ever seen one?

Posted: 08/08/2012 23:03:41

report abuse

Aren't goblins the same as Orcs?

Posted: 08/08/2012 23:05:08

report abuse

Hello all,
I am trying to describe the goblins in my new WIP. I wanted to see what you thoughts are about the description and what I should add or take away.


The goblins were hulking brutes, taller and larger than the average man. They had huge portly bodies that were scantily clad with torn strips of cloth. Their massive heads were often riddled with horns and a gapping mouth filled with sharp pointed teeth, while their eyes were black and glossy, able to see clearly through the darkness nights.

The smell of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin. So foul, that one could smell them coming, way off in the distance.

They could also talk. But when a goblin spoke, they grunted, forcing one word out at a time and then using their arms to point or display actions, instead of struggling through a whole sentence.

Couple of things occurred:

The goblins were hulking brutes, taller and larger than the average man. They had huge (COULD LOSE HUGE, YOU ALREADY SAID SO WITH HULKING) portly bodies that were scantily clad with torn strips of cloth. Their massive heads were often riddled with horns and a gapping mouth (SOUNDS LIKE THEIR HEADS ARE RIDDLED WITH A GAPING MOUTH (single p there) AND 'RIDDLED' MAKES ME THINK OF HOLES, AND HORNS ARE THE OPPOSITE) filled with sharp pointed teeth, while their eyes were black and glossy, able to see clearly through the darkness (DARKNESS OF? OR DARKEST?)nights.

The smell of rotting flesh emanated from their dark leathery skin. ( THINK YOU NEED A SEMI-COLON HERE, NOT A FULL STOP) So foul, that one could smell them coming, way off in the distance.

They could also talk. But when a goblin spoke, they grunted, (singular 'a' and plural 'they' forcing one word out at a time and then using their arms to point or display actions, instead of struggling through a whole sentence.


Posted: 08/08/2012 23:09:29
Last Edit: 08/08/2012 23:12:29 by Cariad

report abuse