@ Eileen Kardos I like this - apart from the fact that I've travelled through Thailand, so it's always interesting to read about someone else's travels I like the tone, and the personality of the narrator. I'd definitely read on.

Title: A Woman Transported
Genre: Historical
Short Pitch: A story of a determined woman’s quest to survive and the unbreakable bond between a child and mother divided by oceans.
Link: http://www.authonomy.com/books/44089/a-woman-transported/

I've lost the italic so stuck a star where they appear.

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London, October 1814

Isabel McGuire tapped her nails on the top of the desk to stop her tongue from shouting curses and the blood from bursting through her veins.

The official’s nose flared in disgust. “How dare you question my authority.”

All conversation in the room halted from the queue waiting in line at the door. A piece of the ceiling’s plaster fell, plonked on the floor, and Isabel half-expected the rotting building to collapse.

“I’m not questioning your authority, Sir, just your morals.”

He leaned his elbows on the desk and placed his clasped hands under his chin. He sneered at her and spoke, his tone pitying. “I’ve told you how we do business here.”

“Your associate was just about to give me the information.”

“Well, he had to leave. Now you have to deal with me.” He licked his lips and leered at her as if readying to devour a meal. “And I’ve told you the problem can easily be resolved.” He leaned over the desk and moved his face close to hers. The heat escaping his mouth hit the cold air, creating steam, and putrid breath spurted from his lips, as he whispered just loud enough for her to hear. “Listen to me again. I’ll overlook you not being able to pay the full fee. If you humour me, I promise to give you the information. I only require you to meet me later, and that’s the best I can do.”

*You ugly beast. You’re nothing but guts and garbage.* “Oh, that’s not right, and you know it’s not. I most certainly won’t meet you anywhere.”

His face turned redder than the deepest coloured beetroot, and he waved his hands about. “Move on, move on. I have others to see.”

Isabel leaned toward him. “I’m going nowhere until you give me back my money or I find out how I can be reunited with my mother and brother who were transported to Botany Bay.”

“Out!” He slammed his fist on the desk two times in quick succession. “One more word from you and I’ll have you arrested for defaming my good character in front of all these fine people.” He shuffled the papers on the desk, picked up his quill, and lowered his head as if studying the documents. “Are you a simpleton?” he asked, his voice little more than a breath. “I’ll warn you but once more, either be mute and leave or I’ll ensure Newgate prison becomes your new home for trying to bribe me.” His eyes narrowed and held a glint of warning. “I’ll have nothing to do with a whore. I’ve taken no money from you.”

Isabel thought she would choke on anger. She pointed her trembling finger at the crowd waiting in line. Some of them danced from foot to foot to keep warm on the broken floor boards, while others stood stiff and warmed hands in their pockets. “All these people are my witness. They’ve seen what you’ve done, saw you take my money, and unless they’re all deaf, they heard you too.”

The official stood and smoothed his coat over his rounded stomach, hitched his collar up to his ears, then raised his hands and waved the crowd toward him. “Come forward those who wish to defend this deceitful whore. Come forward if you dare. I believe I have many of your applications to be reunited with family members in front of me.”



Posted: 13/05/2012 04:42:03

I love this.

I'm not sure I wouldn't be put off by the titling/introductions - to me, they seem to try a little hard - but the writing on the page is fresh, vivid and entertaining, with just a bit held back, as if deliberately, and the story is engaging and suspenseful.

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Title: The Noodle Trail: Fair Trade, Dung Trade and Other Roadside Surprises in Thailand
Genre: Travel, Biography, Comedy, Chick Lit
Short Pitch: Comedienne and Fair Trade importer loses everything including her sanity, and travels through Thailand in search of solace, mangos, and food for thought.
Link to the book: http://www.authonomy.com/books/18664/the-noodle-trail-fair-trade-dung-trade-and-other-roadside-surprises-in-thailand/
Eileen Kardos, thread page 1076


It's Bangkok airport, and my cab driver is the chatty type.

“First time you come Thailand?”
“No. I've been before. I love Thailand.”
“Oh, thank you! How many time, you come Thailand?” I am jet-lagged and dizzy enough to need to count on my fingers. “Seven?” I'm guessing, might be six. Last few winters. I have lived in sweet, lovely Scotland for seven years, and every winter I go somewhere very hot. This wonderful luck is now at an end, and this trip is my last hurrah.

“You holiday, or business?”
“Both. Some holiday, some business.” Both things used to be true. This time I'm not sure.
“Have fun, make money. Good-good.” If only this were true.
“Where your husband?”
“What?”
“Only you?”
“Yes. Only me.”
“Oh.”

No “good-good” this time. He has his doubts. I bloody do too. Two months ago my partner of many years announced it was over, out of the blue. Amidst the immediate devastation was a practical question. What do we do with the air tickets to Thailand we bought months before, like we've done for years? He's going anyway, itinerary unchanged. Someone writes to sympathise with how I will probably now stay home. This is out of the question. I've done business there for years. I have every right to go, even though I'm next to broke, my business sold next to nothing last year, and I have little to spend. Why go on a business trip when there's no business to do? Why go on holiday when clearly it is not a holiday season? I have no idea. Therefore I go. While I hesitate to do something I'll regret, it's worse to think I'll regret not even trying. So I decide to try. Or rather, to paraphrase Bart Simpson, “I can't promise I'll try, but I promise I'll try to try.”

I have some business appointments, which I keep, but I change the departure date, abandon the rest of the itinerary, and avoid wherever He goes in Thailand. (Emails later ensue, “Hello, I am on such-and-such island: please don't come.” “Fine, I’m in such-and-such village, so please stay away.”) All I know now, getting off this plane and into this cab, is that I have no income, no business prospects or obvious abilities, no close family, on-going poor health, a cold and damp house filled with frogs and slugs which I really must vacate, a suddenly collapsed heating system and nowhere warm to stay in that harsh Scottish winter, an Ex who left at exactly this point, and best of all, it is the start of the winter of 2008, in which the entire UK is waking up to the thought that this is not just a recession: this is a good, long, tough one.

I'm not usually rash, but on absorbing this latest idea, I go straight to my bank and empty my savings, all two thousand pounds, the lot. The clerk raises her eyebrows and I don't even care. I put it all into traveller's cheques, change the ticket to open-ended, and would have made it one-way if that had been cheaper. Would I rather be miserable in frozen Scotland, or miserable in the tropics? If it has to be a grieving season, at least in the tropics you can weep at night, and thousands of cicadas will join you. In daylight, tears wash away when you swim, when you sweat, when mango juice dribbles down your chin. You're always dripping wet in the tropics, what's a few tears thrown in?

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I'm going to read more now



Posted: 15/05/2012 09:59:23

Alle-Jo has said practically everything I was about to say. It's fresh (and surprisingly attractive to a non-chick lit. reader) and sets up the situation quickly, cleanly and confidently, without a massive info-dump. Yes, I'd read on.

Loved the line: "You're always dripping wet in the tropics, what's a few tears thrown in?"


Posted: 15/05/2012 10:18:47

Alle-Jo has said practically everything I was about to say. It's fresh (and surprisingly attractive to a non-chick lit. reader) and sets up the situation quickly, cleanly and confidently, without a massive info-dump. Yes, I'd read on.

Loved the line: "You're always dripping wet in the tropics, what's a few tears thrown in?"

Eileen Kardos,

This might not be the point, but what year does your book take place in. Traveler's Checks???? Really, last time I was in Thailand just about every 7/11 had a cash machine and most places took credit cards. Are these still being used?

Posted: 18/05/2012 04:26:23

@Cooee....ummm....no. Sorry.

Originally I read it without looking at the date (1814), and then I read it again and saw when it was supposed to be taking place. Other than mentioning a quill, I couldn't visualise this as taking place nearly 200 years ago. It "felt" like a modern setting - a customs queue at the airport (don't ask me why that's what I pictured, but that's what I pictured), especially with a woman drumming her nails on a desk (picturing a female executive).

But my main problem is that I just didn't get what was happening. I think you've started in the wrong place because (at the risk of sounding like old Jay), I can't work out who the characters are, where they are, or what's happening. If this is your opening, I'd seriously suggest thinking again and starting where the story starts. Having battled my baffled way to the end, it sounds like someone refusing to pay up for services rendered - so why not start with her bursting out the private room behind him and shouting for her money as she re-arranges her clothes, askew from the brief moments of "pleasure" he'd exacted from her. ANd if that's NOT what's happened, then you need to make what HAS happened a lot, LOT clearer. Sorry.

Posted: 18/05/2012 10:29:56

I liked this - I didn't mind that I'd have to wait to find out who was who. I especially liked the 'please avoid' emails. I'd read on.

Posted: 18/05/2012 14:07:16

no one wants to look at mine.

Posted: 18/05/2012 20:27:16

@Lisa
I had a look at your book page and I see you have already had the show vs. tell lecture from someone else.
What you have done here is compress as much content into your 600 words as other writers might spend several chapters on.
The reverse alien abduction idea looks like a good one to me. What I would like to see is you fleshing out the storytelling more. In terms of dramatic pacing, it may also work better to save the details of his arrival until a bit later. It doesn't hurt to leave the reader with a bit of mystery regarding backstory. If you start with the incarceration and escape attempt and give it more flesh, you could give yourself an opening that the reader can inhabit from the inside.

Hope this helps
Maurice

Posted: 18/05/2012 22:44:56