In a way this hits at the heart of the topic of the thread.

It is every parent's dream to have an open, honest, loving, caring relationship with their children while imposing their will upon them. However, it's a very, very, very lucky parent who can have that these days and many of us try to build a friendship with our children and cooperate with them by the time they reach their early- to mid-teens as a consequence so they don't go off and do things behind our backs in the hope that we've given them enough education and preparation for life that they'll use the freedom we're giving them wisely.

At the opposite extreme you have those, such as those bringing pressure on the banks to bring pressure upon PayPal, who not only doubtless impose their own will and value-systems upon their own children with parental authoritarianism, but also try to impose it upon the rest of us as well.

I'm willing for the most part to play within my own nation's laws, but I am buggered if I'm going to have a bunch of minority morons in another country imposing their will and their inane, archaic value-system upon me. These people should be crushed for once and for all.



Posted: 06/03/2012 03:44:35
Last Edit: 06/03/2012 03:46:29 by Pete Marchetto

Absolutely it's beyond my power, they know that, we know that, we've also discussed that. I understand your point of view regarding your daughter, I may not agree with it, however, I understand, and fair enough regarding you not wanting to gamble with that.

Education in my view is paramount to every parent enlightening their children on every aspect of life and living. I love and adore my children nonetheless, and we're very open in our discussions. Again, has that openness exempt us from the trials and tribulations of teenage life - of course not, but communication in my view always needs to be open and ready, also unconditional love, of which many of us lack, needs to remain no matter what our children have done or not done. Maybe your Mama knew, however, chose not to say anything.



Posted: 06/03/2012 03:54:29
Last Edit: 06/03/2012 04:23:54 by Salwa Samra

Maybe she did, Salwa, but if so I'd have much preferred it, given all the anxiety afterwards, if she'd been open with me and told me in advance - you have a girlfriend, you're about that age, I'd rather you didn't but if you do I'd rather you were safe - than leave me with the impression I'd better keep it a secret and do it up a public hillside rather than invite the possibility of parental disapproval, without prior advice and with no subsequent support.

Say 'Not in my house' and where's it going to happen?

So again, we agree... up to a point. But I had a personal, painful experience of what can happen when restrictions are imposed that are unenforceable and are flouted having flouted such restrictions myself.

I didn't want that for my daughter.



Posted: 06/03/2012 03:59:36
Last Edit: 06/03/2012 04:09:10 by Pete Marchetto

Exactly, everyone holds to their own experiences and acts accordingly regarding future discussion, such as these. People's circumstances are different, one cannot compare to that of another, that's what makes us stand on our values, beliefs and opinions, no matter what society chooses to do or not do, to enforce or not to enforce. Our experiences is what also affects our values.

Posted: 06/03/2012 04:10:04

I should be fair on my mother here. When she separated from my father not long after, she had no problem with her offspring sharing beds with their partners in her home. I keep saying 'my mother', but the reality is that she was very much in the shadow of my father's Victorianism at the time and it was he who had the say in such matters.

I guess I keep referencing my mother given my father was so unapproachable he was the last person I'd have turned to in such matters.



Posted: 06/03/2012 04:10:28

Well, I hate to say it, Salwa, but if your son did indeed lose his virginity in spite of you telling him not to... if he didn't lose it in your home... then where did he lose it and how much support did he have in dealing with the situation in terms of you being assured he was being careful of his health, safety and contraception?

These questions are purely rhetorical, I don't even want an answer, but you take my point. You imposed the restriction. It was flouted.

'A mother knows these things you know' and 'We all had a good laugh about it afterwards' simply isn't good enough from my point of view. I wanted to be assured my daughter would be safe in advance, not after the fact be relieved that it all went off okay in spite of the absence of my and my daughter's mother's parental support and advice, let alone the fact of the dishonesty involved.



Posted: 06/03/2012 04:13:19
Last Edit: 06/03/2012 04:20:07 by Pete Marchetto

I, like the hundred billion people who came before me, had no trouble dealing with the lose of my virginity. Easier, my being a boy, of course. I'll give it that. The huge problem I did encounter; however, was my inability to celebrate with copious volumes of booze since I was underage (barely).

Posted: 06/03/2012 04:21:33

I don't agree with you Pete, my son is very aware of health issues, what is required, etc. There's not much nowadays that the kids are not aware of, whether they discuss this with their parents or not. I cannot and will not discuss further what was said, on a forum such as this and was very nearly going to remove, and will do so now, what I said regarding my son - I wasn't so comfortable with that, yet wanting to somehow show an example.

What you did for your daughter worked for you, what I do for my kids is working for me, whether you agree with it or not. My kids are very alert, strong willed, well nurtured, educated individuals.

Posted: 06/03/2012 04:21:45

I wanted my daughter to be able to come to me and say 'I intend to do this' and then I could advise her.

I'm sorry, but I completely fail to see how the alternative you offer is in any way superior. There is far more risk involved.

I too had all the sense your son had, but I was young and naive. We did everything right but made a mistake in interpreting... er... something which led me to believe there'd been an accident.

My congratulations you were able to read your son. I wanted my daughter to tell me directly.



Posted: 06/03/2012 04:26:01
Last Edit: 06/03/2012 04:33:11 by Pete Marchetto

Who said it is "superior?" this is just what I addressed above - your experiences is holding to your view of such a statement as that.
I had in no way said it was superior, that is your misinterpretation. I have shared this with you before Pete, I'm sure you remember, due to your experiences that you've had during your lifetime, you have brought them forth to judge and argue / debate over other's and their views, values, beliefs.
No one is saying you were wrong in how you handled your situation with your daughter, try not to get so defensive, what I'm saying is, myself and my husband have chosen this way, whether the world agrees with it or not, is irrelevant, it is not up to you or the world to tell me how to run my household, my children.

I enjoy our talks Pete, however, I am not going to have you state things that are not based on facts or truth because of your experiences, regarding this "superior" statement.

Posted: 06/03/2012 04:31:56