Hello dear Maria, your words on the forum touched me. I was about to respond when things took a turn. I wanted to deal with those first. I’ve decided to leave it for now and get on with other stuff. It’s taken a big chunk of my time. But it was important to acknowledge your post.
The writing of your book was obviously a tough and long journey for you. I do identify with that. Soul searching is harder than people realise and it has taken many of us years to dig it all up and then to put into readable form.
I keep thinking about you, the little girl, so lonely and misunderstood, crying over her diaries. Hell is a good word because I know how it is to live through every memory again and again. Sometimes the charge does go out of those memories but only after re-enacting them more often than we can share with others.
It moved me when you said how you “admired and loved the child” because it has taken me a long time to be able to do that. Also, I still have trouble with hate and anger and my health continues to suffer for that reason. “Imperfect humans” is a good term. My abusers are mostly long gone now and have had to go through their own counselling process away from harm. My healing process is taking longer and it has brought me closer to people with big hearts such as you. It may be taxing on Authonomy sometimes but well worth it when we meet kindred spirits.