I read through the first chapter. Well I must say there is certainly plenty of action throughout. The dialogue amongst the three cops is great. You get a sense of who they are. The sarge, the newbie. I really thought something was going to happen to him when two pairs of powerful arms seized Trent from behind! The next sentence i caught a small typo: Wrenching him away , he was forced him to relinquish his hold....guess either they forced him or he was forced to relinquish... Overall, well writen and a great start I've given this high stars. MC Exposed

Fran, This is my kind of book and I like what Trent is all about. I like the challenges you have in store for him and how he deals with them. that in itself tells me how much work you have done before you started writing and then again once you started this magnificent book. I just love how well it is written and I feel you had me hooked at such an early stage. So so well done and I wish you all the luck in the world. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

[QUOTE] I felt immediately that I was an onlooker, transposed from my place of comfort to the dark, dank and threatening warehouse confrontation. An action packed start that promises well for the chapetrs that follow and instantly hook the reader. The only achilles heel - the variable quality of the much used similies. Some brilliant, others (e.g. 'Trent's heart was pounding like a heavy metal drum solo') struggling in my view to earn their place in the otherwise excellent and authentic sounding dialogue and fast moving chronicle of events. Tony C - about to submit 'Happenstance' [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the terrific comment, and I've now removed 'heavy metal drum solo' . Thanks.

I felt immediately that I was an onlooker, transposed from my place of comfort to the dark, dank and threatening warehouse confrontation. An action packed start that promises well for the chapetrs that follow and instantly hook the reader. The only achilles heel - the variable quality of the much used similies. Some brilliant, others (e.g. 'Trent's heart was pounding like a heavy metal drum solo') struggling in my view to earn their place in the otherwise excellent and authentic sounding dialogue and fast moving chronicle of events. Tony C - about to submit 'Happenstance'

[QUOTE] Fran, Brilliant writing. Found two little grammar errors or typos. Great work though, clean smooth copy and compelling words.. Good luck on your writing, Janet The Milche Bride Clarissa's Kitchen [ENDQUOTE] Chapter 1 now corrected, thanks. I'm constantly editing all my stuff on here, but I still miss a few things.

Fran, Brilliant writing. Only read the first chapter but goodness, what a sympathetic and heroic character you've got in Trent. Just read Adeel's book on Not for Sale, then open this and we're back trafficking humans. Small world, but just a wonderful beginning, totally hooked. Like the medic and the dog bit, like all of this. The superhuman restraint we require of our protectors against the vilest and meanest of human beings. Give me Dirty Harry any day. Poor Trent , his wife left him, the big goofus is hurt and alone. You just punched all my buttons and I can't wait to read more. High stars for now, will keep you on my watchlist until I've read more. But it is great. Found two little grammar errors or typos. First is in the sentence -- most gang members has slipped into the U.K. -- change has to have or had Second, He just wanted to alone, locked away. - to be alone. Great work though, clean smooth copy and compelling words.. Good luck on your writing, Janet The Milche Bride Clarissa's Kitchen

Thrilling opener here. I enjoy the way it gets right into exciting elements. The thrill is heavy and drawing to the reader's interest. I would say to add something about the accent the man has int eh beginning. Give a hint describe it. The opener flows very very well. I like the action of what is happening. Not too excited about the swear words, but otherwise, I really enjoyed the action of it. Super work! Shelby Z./Driving Winds P.S. When you have time, Please take a looked at my pirate adventure. :)

This is a real mixture of comedy and despair. Trent reminded me of a mixture of cops from TV series. The main one I thought of when he was laying into the perpetrator was Jean Hunt from Life On Mars. Trent obviously has major issues which I am sure will become clear later on. Well written and entertaining. I will read on because I am intrigued to find out what happens to the Abba tribute musician (sounds like something that would happen in Blackpool) Kim (Pain)

Excellent, and to think I was heading to bed. Love the way it flows, very easy to get hooked. Thanks for sharing.

I was really impressed by your first chapter, it is written very well and fast paced, and is loaded with tension. You build your characters very well too. Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds" Good Luck!

Genuine tension and loads of humour as well. A great combination! Rated and backed.

Hi Fran, I just started to read your book having been pulled in by the "play on words" title. This is brilliant. Fast paced and dramatic. The characterisation is spot on and I loved the fact his stubble was "more derelict than designer". I will be reading on and may comment further. Perhaps you would do me the honour of glancing at Marking Time; a satire on the English education system, with an otter. Good luck Crispy

Hi, I have just read the first chapter which I think is impressive. I think that you have an eye for injustice and use it to good effect as a balance to Trent's gung-ho attitude towards the criminals. I wish the police were really so capable and brave....I will continue reading and I'm not going to comment on your composition. To me it runs very well... I hope the rest continues in the same vein. Barry (Between Caligula's Toes)

I've just stuck five stars on your bonce - keep that editing going, Good luck, Sully.

[QUOTE] Amongst the many do's and don'ts in the book, he emphasises the need to edit,edit and edit again. To pare it down to the bare bones. Good luck Sully x [ENDQUOTE] Excellent advice. Editing is quite a chore but a necessary one.Although writers hate cutting out what they think are good words that the story needs, losing the dross improves the reading experience. Thanks

Hi Fran. The story is beginning to build nicely in the second chapter, but I still think you should be more ruthless with your editing. You should read Stephen King's book 'On Writing'. Amongst the many do's and don'ts in the book, he emphasises the need to edit,edit and edit again. To pare it down to the bare bones. However successful an author is, the first draft will never be the one that we see in the book shop. It may take a dozen or so drafts before the publisher is happy with the end product. For instance, near the beginning of chap 2: 'Fast approaching forty.... in a crowded coffee shop'. The sentence is not concise and lacks impact. Perhaps: ' He was fast approaching forty and not one for holding down long term relationships. But he had been smitten by the attractive young lady who'd shared his table in a crowded coffee shop.' By separating the sentence the two pieces of information have a slightly more dramatic effect. And the next para: 'After an hour of conversation in the cafe.....see her again'. The sentence makes sense but doesn't flow too well. Maybe: 'They had enjoyed an hour of conversation in the coffee shop. When they parted Trent was too unsure of himself to ask to see her again'. One more example of less is more: 'Westbrook sank his bulk into Trent's father's old winged-backed leather armchair...' It's a visual mouthful. and unless Trent's father is an integral part of the story it just gets in the way. 'Westbrook sank his bulk into an old wing-backed armchair and sipped his cup of tea'. It's cleaner, sharper and to the point. If it is not essential to the story-telling, get rid of it. Too much unnecessary waffle can come across as trying to pad out the story just to up the wordcount. I hope you're not offended by my remarks Fran. We all do it - try too hard to impress and just end up muddying the water. If you get to read my novel feel free to rip me apart. Good luck Sully x

Dear Fran This book is as good, if not better than its sequel, which I read first. That's me, always getting things the wrong way round. This book has all the ingredients of best writing, including realism in spades, clear plot, believable lovely, ambiguous characters and accurate, great writing. A really enviable basket of skills. Oh, and you are reliably consistent too, which is a great bonus. I love the witty chapter headings. All the best Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

[QUOTE] Impressive first chapter - sharp writing, tense and fast moving. Plenty of humour but be careful. I wouldn't try to put quite as much humour in the story, as it can detract from the seriousness of the situation in which Trent finds himself. Also, I think some of your sentences are too long and therefore lose some of their impact. Hope you don't mind me giving you two examples: The sentence (near the beginning) that starts - 'They were observing a group of young men....' It would be much easier on the eye and pack more punch if there was a full stop after 'container' and then: It was parked in the internal loading bay inside the front of the warehouse. The austere vessel sat behind two locked, roller shutter doors.' The second is in the next paragraph: I think a full stop after 'They were known as The Bloc-Busters' ( a great name by the way) would highlight your clever title; otherwise it gets lost in a sentence that's longer than my garden. Then a full stop after 'Europe', then, 'These villains plied....' It is a vital tip that was passed on to me by a harsh literary critic - hope your not offended. Sully. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks, I always appreciate constructive comments and criticism, I'm here to learn. I've re-edited Chapter 1 now, which reads much better. The humour isn't comedy as such, it's just the way we are in those situations. You may want to try the second book in the series, 'Cold Hearts and Candy Floss', but be warned Chapter 1 will make you cry.

What's not to like about a book with Abba and Acton as tags? This is very pacy and very funny. I've only read the first chapter but hope to read more. On my shelf and will keep in my list to read on when I get a chance. Sheila

Impressive first chapter - sharp writing, tense and fast moving. Plenty of humour but be careful. I wouldn't try to put quite as much humour in the story, as it can detract from the seriousness of the situation in which Trent finds himself. Also, I think some of your sentences are too long and therefore lose some of their impact. Hope you don't mind me giving you two examples: The sentence (near the beginning) that starts - 'They were observing a group of young men....' It would be much easier on the eye and pack more punch if there was a full stop after 'container' and then: It was parked in the internal loading bay inside the front of the warehouse. The austere vessel sat behind two locked, roller shutter doors.' The second is in the next paragraph: I think a full stop after 'They were known as The Bloc-Busters' ( a great name by the way) would highlight your clever title; otherwise it gets lost in a sentence that's longer than my garden. Then a full stop after 'Europe', then, 'These villains plied....' It is a vital tip that was passed on to me by a harsh literary critic - hope your not offended. Sully.

Hi Fran. Just arrived on the site a few weeks ago. I like the sound of 24 hours it was a well worn joke when I was in the money market so you have my attention. Will get my nose stuck into it today. Would appreciate it if you would check out my novel Reasonabl Force. I also write poetry and perform stand-up musical comedy - writing songs about members of my audience. Up to this point my nose remains unbroken. If you have yesterday's Daily Mail my poem about Dawn French featured on page 48. Good luck, we need it in this industry. Cheers, Sully.

Nicely Written! You do a good job of building sympathy for your PC, as well as developing his personality. From the first chapter, you had me wishing him well. I read four chapters, and can see the story developing nicely. Very best of luck with this. Starred and backed. Best Regards, Jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie)

Very readable even if the 'Sarge', the setting and the villains are a bit BBC! Best wishes Stewart

I see you are still editing and so I won't nit-pick over your punctuation. I found this highly entertaining and hope to read more later. Backed with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

[QUOTE] I don't believe you capitalize "sir". [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for pointing that out, you're perfectly correct. I've changed the master copy now.

I've read chapters one and two, and you have succeeded in making me curious about what will happen with Trent, Cythia, Trent's new off-the-books assignment, the human trafficker from Eastern Europe, and Trent's old girlfriend. And that's the most important thing a writer can do. There's some debate on this point, and the Queen's English may vary from Standard American, but I don't believe you capitalize "sir".

[QUOTE] The actual storytelling and language use really is top-notch, though I do agree with the comment below saying it could do with a good edit. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the good advice, I've just edited Chapter 1 again and it does read a lot better. I will hack away at the other 26 chapters in due course.

Comments on first chapter. Very skilled story telling and some lovely descriptive terms. 'Bloc-Busters' raised a smile, '...a mixture of Broken English and broken teeth,' and '...splitting both lips like burst chipolatas' are all superb. I'm not so sure about one or two of the other examples. I'd take out the 'stag party' reference in the sentence - 'He closed his eyes as his temples started to pound (rhymthmically like a stag party hangover), and prayed for the pain to stop.' I think this could help the flow of the reading, and also put more of a premium on your sparingly used other terms. Minor typo: During the Cornish pasty mini-saga, you've missed a full stop - ...I'll make you eat two(.) Now give your.... No Man's Land (I think I'm correct in saying) should be 'nomansland.' One sentence I'd be tempted to restructure is, "...adrenalin pumping round his system..." Perhaps - "...adrenalin pumping round his system slowed to the relative crawl of a hundred miles an hour" might work better and slightly economise it. Very near the end of the chapter I'd be also tempted trim things up. - "If not, she'd read all about it in the papers. At the very least it should make the front page of 'The Evening Standard' and 'Metro' (obviously still in italics - which I can't use here). I don't think it's necessary to use 'London' or 'free,' and certainly not necessary to use the word 'newspapers' twice in consecutive sentences. The actual storytelling and language use really is top-notch, though I do agree with the comment below saying it could do with a good edit. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how bloody tedious editing is, but I think you need to balance your obvious love for writing prolifically with the need for painstaking nit-picking. I gave my book a very thorough edit after a few agents told me, in so many words, it needed 'trimming and economising.' It really can make a huge difference, and the quality of your writing deserves it! This is in the queue for a backing - quality descriptiveness and wry humour is always something I want to support. In the meantime, pleased to give it plenty of stars.

[QUOTE] This has all the right ingredients for a winner but needs a rigorous edit.. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments. I can write stories all day and every day but I find editing difficult. Take a look at the sequel 'Cold Hearts and Candy Floss' and see if this is better. I wrote it in three weeks and edited it today.

This has all the right ingredients for a winner but needs a rigorous edit. Better punctuation, including breaking up some longer sentences, would make a big difference. On my watchlist...

Starting in media res is often mentioned as the best approach. However, in this piece, I felt the need for a line or two before the dialogue begins. Perhaps something along the lines of: Trent motioned for the detective constable to move to the right as they approached the man crouched by the corner of the warehouse.... or something similar. Immediately tells us we're dealing with police, they're approaching some sort of suspect, and the setting is a warehouse. Then maybe have the DC slap on the cuffs while Trent waves his warrant card. Oh, and how did they keep the bad guy from yelling out an alarm? Your dialogue is very good and there are some very funny bits. You might consider removing the adverbs describing the characters' speech... "he said, defiantly", "remarked dryly" etc. Just go with a simple he said or better, the man said when referring to the criminal. Then show the defiance or the dryness either in the words or the body language. I was bothered that Trent was so verbally threatening in this opening lines, and was relieved when he pushed the man "gently" on his back and threatened him with Cornish pastys. Remember, we don't know Trent yet, so his threatening to do physical harm initially can throw us off. I really began to like him after the Cornish pasty line. Take a look at the paragraph beginning: As Trent moved slowly and quietly along the passage.. You've presented the same information two ways. I know you want the reader to get that Trent is tortured, but you don't have to rush that information. Feed it to us a bit at a time. His actions let us in on that as well as his thoughts. You present a vivid scene inside the warehouse, although, I was expecting Trent to handcuff the guy. Trying to hold on to a "tall, well-built" bad guy while fishing out a warrant card is hard for me to picture... well actually, I picture the bad guy escaping! I would also expect more fight out of the bad guy. You might consider making him a smaller man? Other than that, I thought the interaction was well done and vividly presented. One small thing for you to watch throughout is your use of "he". At times you are referring to Trent, sometimes to the criminal or the photographer, and it's not always clear. When I read "he", since I'm in Trent's POV, I think Trent before reading a word or two more and realizing you mean the other guy in the scene. Personally, I find the reference to Trent's bad breath a turn-off. Also when referring to his eyes ("tired blue and blood shot") keep in mind description is often more powerful when it is more focused. After Trent is shot, I doubt he'd be able to stand, let alone walk. And I'm bothered that both Trent and the dog handler were both so quick to attack suspects. Perhaps it's reality, but it still throws me a bit. After Trent is shot, the initial part of the chapter repeats. Probably some kind of computer glitch... take a look. You have a strong voice and this opening has a lot of energy. I'm giving it 4 stars and putting it on my watch list. Good luck. Ann Warner - Absence of Grace

Punctuation is a little off but WOW you hit the nail on the head! Giving it 4 stars and putting it on my shelf to finish. Impressive. Engrossing. Extremely engaging!

After reading the write-ups, especially Lj Traffords, I'm going to give it whirl...I do like black comedy.

This is good. Will back without even reading chapter 2. Ron Ron

Gosh this is good. I really engrossing, funny, crime read. And, AND the quips are funny! In a world of movies with such lame one liners, shoe horned in because thats what you do since Bond - yours are generally good. The tone is comic yet what you write about, from the first chapter of sex slavery is hard hitting and somehow you make the jokey and the tough work. Big well done. I also like the Bournemouth setting, which makes a nice change from big city crime novels. Favourite line? The bit about if you can remember betamax and dexys midnight runners you have no right chatting up young barmaids. Backed. Best thing I've read in a while.

Hi Fran, you grabbed with me with your synopsis, and didn't let go. Nice tale! blessings, jim

[QUOTE]Pedantry corner - there is no such paper with the London Evening Standard [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments Strachan, I get the Evening Standard most days and you can see by the link that officially it calls itself the London Evening Standard, http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/, which most people know it as.There is no such newspaper as the Bournemouth Bugle, which is also mentioned, but I wouldn't want to advertise the real local rag.

I love the detail about the murder of the Abba tribute band member ,if only it had actually been the band itself say in about 1978 , when they presumably had never made a record , what an agreeable developement that would have been. I think you have caught an excellent tone which verges at times on affectionate brutality ,also you have introduced a really good idea of convalescing in Bournemouth and then getting caught in mayhem. Pedantry corner - there is no such paper with the London Evening Standard on its masthead , it is just called the Evening Standard. Sorry about that , I debated with the impulse to resist telling you , but failed . I wonder if you would have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is about Pirates in the 17th century, with best wishes Strachan Gordon. Watchlisted.

Lol, I like Arnie, Stand and Eric. So Trent has two steamy affairs-ish with Cynthia and Sarah. Is Sarah's tale there to showcase Trent? or does she return? I like the errogenous baiting, well done. Complecated storywriting. You know, you could even begin with Chapter 3, but I like the action-prologue then protag intro in one. You get to an editor, you could open that as an option to show flexability.

The pitch got me in. Something kept me reading, not quite sure what. I liked some of the humour in the Trent character. As a prologue it is too long, I think. Why not make it chapter 1? Best of luck with it. Ian

Fran The title attracted me, I think 24hrs from Tulse hill was a Carter USM song from back in the nineties, I may be wrong though, I usually am. I read the first chapter, you built up good pace and I was immersed in the story. Couldn't see any typos, enjoyed it. Charlie

Hi Fran. A good first chapter - lots of tension and action, well done. Added to my watch list. Marie

[QUOTE] Hi Fran, is this a single book or is it part of a series? I was absolutely hooked right through but am now quite confused by the end and i think I will need to do some rereading to try and make sense if it.[ENDQUOTE] Apologies for the confusion but the choice of ending was to leave 'unfinished business' , so that the end of the story wasn't too cosy and happy ever. It demonstrated that the main villain, Gobek, was still able to flex his muscle from behind prison walls, but fortunately for Trent he failed. It also left it open for me to write a sequel, using the same police characters, and Gobek is dealt with early on so it will be a separate story in its own right. I hope to complete this soon, but as with most people, pressures of the day job limit my writing time and its taking longer than it should. This is a shame because I've two more completely different books in note form that I also want to complete, and I have had people interested in Measuring For Curtains as a stage play. I should have married someone rich so I could sit in the drawing room of the country pile gazing out across manicured lawns, sipping a Bucks Fizz and tapping away novel after novel on my laptop, in-between coffee mornings, opening village fetes and arranging flowers in the church.

Hi Fran, is this a single book or is it part of a series? I was absolutely hooked right through but am now quite confused by the end and i think I will need to do some rereading to try and make sense if it... Ce

Great start! You paint a great picture and its not all black, I love the wry humour in there. Backed with pleasure. If you get a chance have a look at What Lies Within by Audrey Finch TheLady

Fran, I was looking at your book again and I still like it, so I decided to back it. Please take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND for you possible backing. Your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing. Dwain-Thomas

This is a sharp narrative with first-rate dialogue. It’s believable and extremely funny. Trent is my hero. He must wash his hands after handling a perp’s file and keep away from the dogs to safeguard his police warrant card. Great visuals – ‘his temples pounding rhythmically like a stag-party hangover.’ He’s a meticulous sort although it’s amusing to note that he has already traced (and probably stalked) Sarah all the way to Balham. And how did Trent manage to turn up at the same wedding as Sarah? This book is superb. I have rated highly and put on w/l for backing. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Love the detail. Love the dialogue. Really good stuff here, Fran. Backed with pleasure.

Fran, I liked your synopsis so I decided to back you book 24HOURS FROM TULSE HILL. If you would take a look at my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND for a possible backing it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing. Dwain-Thomas

My dear Fran - what a wonderful start! And just enough light, comedy touches to make the whole scene completely bearable for a lilly liver like myself. Wonderful. Will put this on my bookshelf now. All the best, Irene

Hi Fran Hi I'm certain I backed your book some time ago and am happy to do so again. Good luck Frank James (The Contractor) .

Intriguing pitch and real, and believable MC, liked the pacing which encourages you on to the next chapter, upto chapter 3 and will pop back and read more. Starred and on my W/L .Hope this does well ...it should! Babs

Fran nice to be able to resvist some of my favourite books and star them. Your book is a good page turner and you show the humour and vunerablity of your charicters with skill. There is pleanty in this meaty plot tohold any readers interest. Hope it does well for you. Sue Knowing Liam Riley

Fran, this is a good classic detective with a complicated MC and lots of action. You have a nicely flowing style, which makes it attractive to read on. Some comments at the start: Make sure in the second sentence that the reader grasps 'he' is Trent and not one of the other cops. ....here in the UK. Leave out 'here' I also think that the paragraph on what is in store for the girls should be less explicit. The reader knows already. No time to do more close-reading. But make sure you go over your work regularly and delete unnecessary words. It usually improves the pace and the atmosphere. Well done! Starred and one my shelf soon (hopefully 1st week of December). Hannah

[QUOTE] You have an easy-read writing style. Your pitch is intriguing and that's what made me want to take a look at your book. Can I make one suggestion? Your opening paragraph needs something to pull the reader in immediately, and to me it doesn't. Perhaps rework it to make it urgent. Best of luck. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments. Chapter 1 should really be a prologue, to set the scene and show some of Trent's character and how he came to be injured. I am working on shortening and improving it, so please bear with me..

You have an easy-read writing style. Your pitch is intriguing and that's what made me want to take a look at your book. Can I make one suggestion? Your opening paragraph needs something to pull the reader in immediately, and to me it doesn't. Perhaps rework it to make it urgent. Best of luck.

Super! Love it! Great flowing action, excellent dialogue - triff! Hope you do well with this, it deserves it. Promise to read more when time allows (argh! this new system!). Good luck. Ceeds 'JOE'S NAN'

Have added your book to my watchlist and will read shortly. Good luck.

Very descriptive. I like how you've set up Trent's character, right from the start. Backed. Cat "Twisted"

I've so much enjoyed reading this. It's much like published books I've read so I'm going to back you.

Highly entertaining pitch Fran. I'm surprised you haven't labelled comedy as one of the book's genres, because I like the slightly surreal feel to your writing - where the humour is observational and not pushed unnecessarily. Always a delightful discovery to come across a book that has an original voice, and not one of the thousands of JK Rowling or Dan Brown wannabe efforts. The title is worthy of backing in itself - excellent!

Excellent work. As much of a police procedural and crime thriller as it is a study of what Thomas Hardy might have called a 'man of character'. There are some wonderfully observed moments in this story and the traits of your characters are original and well defined, giving them a real sense of depth. Your characters are characters, which is not always an easy thing to get right. This is a superb story and it will make a brilliant debut novel. Backed with pleasure, best of luck. Jack Hughes Dawn of Shadows.

Yes.. A promising start. However, I think you might have a similar problem to me. My 'heroes' are often less appealing than some of my sideline characters. For instance, the elderly cop who talks to Trent in the bar, after he unsuccessfully chatted up a barmaid. That's how good characters talk. It's also how a lot of Coppers talk. Between themselves. It tells me a lot about the elderly cop too. Obviously a side-liner as you don't name him. Please don't let me discourage you, but I just didn't cotton to Trent. Not because he's a bad character, but maybe he needs some more depth. I might not know my thumb from a pickled gherkin though, so I'll close on an upbeat note. I would buy this book if I found it in W.HS. (The tight controls on selecting text make commenting hard. I can't even use my spell-check! )

Gripping, especially since I'm married to a cop. :) I do like your pitch, as well, and so far am enjoying his world. I might agree about more dialogue in first chapter, but it does read well and, as an observer, I am trying to take in the environment and circumstances, so I'm unsure whether needed or not. Backed when I can clear my shelf.

Hi Fran, I enjoyed chapter 1, which started at a pleasingly upbeat pace and gave us enough of Trent's character to hook the reader. A couple of observations. 'I'll give you something to cry about' - the phrase didn't ring true. Maybe a angry father talking, but perhaps not a human trafficker? Also, perhaps more dialogue in the first chapter to break up the descriptive passages? Backed with pleasure. Shaun The Six Acts

Hi Fran Read first four chapters , all good... Sharp opening , Trent quickly established and then well delineated with the backstory effectively sketched in, strong sense of place. Plot interesting and relationships between characters engaging. Happy to back and read more. Joe

Impossible to put down, action all the way and plenty of intrigue to keep me reading on, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Good story! I enjoyed reading the first few chapters and will read more when I have more time. One nit - right in your first paragraph - 'were concealed' ... why not replace the passive by the active 'hid' (or similar) - 3 'weres' in the 1st para are probably too many. But happy to back on the strength of the plot and vivid writing Vall Midwyf (appreciate a look/comments if you have time)

Smart, snappy writing....will find the time to read more...backed... ASC Violet Hiccup

"Take it easy Sarge it's only us." Comma before and after 'Sarge.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is a gripping thriller. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Backed.

I have backed your book based on your pitch. I don't have much time to read at present, but will get back to it. Patricia West Hays The Witness Tree

Great first chaper--full of suspense and action and very well written. Can't wait to read more!! (which I'll do as soon as I save this comment :O)

WOW...lots of stuff packed into a small area but brilliant in the same moment. You managed to show several facets of Trent at the same time. The flow was even and not distracting. The energy of the 'battle' was heart pounding and I felt like I was there! Awesome and backed. AmyR

i backed 24 hours from tulse hill

i backed 24 hours from tulse hill

Thanks for the comments Marj. I'm pleased you enjoyed the story. The next book 'Heroes and Villeins' , has the spelling 'villeins' because it refers to a class of medieval feudal serf holding legal status as freemen. It's another play on 60s song titles I'm afraid, this time a Beach Boys number. It could have been worse, 'Serf City' did originally spring to mind. Thanks

Oddly the only error I found in this story was the very last line, 'Rob Trent returns." I'm glad he returns. He was a very good hero, but you might like to correct your spelling of 'Villeins.' I like your story a great deal, and can see the beginnings of what could be a successful series. The first chapter action sequence was just great, but the later chapters are good in a different way. You seem to have an insight into people that the best writers have. I have no hesitation in backing this worthy book. Marj.

Fran, first, this is a cracking crime thriller. backed. great premise; trent is a strong protagonist who comes across as a real cop and a real man. as noted below, i agree about cutting ch1. maybe you can prune 10-20% of the Gobek chase scene? very best wishes, andy

The stark opening doesn't pull any punches, and neither does Trent, allowing his anger free rein in a situation that demands caution. He doesn't know the meaning of caution as he goes after the trafficker and ends up looking down the barrel of a gun. Superb action scenes here, and then we see the other side of Trent, the misery over his ex, the weariness and the sarcasm. Westbrook gives him a good talking to, and we get a bit more of his colourful background. A night out with the lads, and he's already found a distraction from his ex. The premise sounds excellent, Fran: wounded cop doing desk job trying to clear up all the locals crimes ... and the murders of an ABBA tribute band has to be one of the all-time great hooks. The story is written in a confident, almost flippant 'voice', with a nice attention to detail and a dry wit which extends even to the cheeky title. Trent, on the surface, is the hard-nosed hard-drinking cop, but there's a lot hidden below the surface, including more than a hint of middle-aged crisis. Excellent detective drama ... backed. Possible nits: Not sure about a cold stare of contempt 'escaping'. 'stopped as [he] heard heavy footsteps'. 'Like a cloud of summer midges', as good as this is, consider leaving it out ... it invites consideration and thus detracts from the fast drama of the action scene. 'I'm not that bad[.]I was'.

I hope you don't mind, but lots of people seem to be telling you what they think is great about your book, and fewer are giving you some constructive feedback on what might make it better, and I'd like to go for the second approach. I read a lot of crime, and I was attracted to the book by the brilliant title and the great pitch. Then I felt as though I'd had way too much information thrown at me in the first chapter, in a less than natural way. You could almost miss it off completely and begin at chapter two. In aiming to be hard hitting, it almost knocked me flat. I honestly could have given up at that point., but that wouldnt have been fair. Later on it calms down into a very laid back, darkly humorous style which I prefered. It seemed to me that you'd found confidence in your voice later on in the book. Perhaps it's time go to back and edit the first chapter, cutting out some of the well worn phrases and the things we don't need to know or that sound a bit odd. If the photographer falls into the filing cabinet, it doesn't really matter whether it's sideways or not. I don't hear Rob shrieking when he finds he's been shot. Yelling, maybe? Girls shriek. Anyway, I wish you all the best.

What a great read! Rob is a great character. I was intrigued the whole time. Great page turner. Good Luck Backed with pleasure!! Melissa Nielsen The Guardian and the Book of Souls

Rob is a great character, with all his twists and turns he will I expect at the end of the book come out on top. That doesn’t matter as between you have build a real thriller.. Backed happily. Plagarma

Very intriguing, keeps the readers on their toes! This is a very catchy story and I'm sure it will get published well. Congratulations on your writing and storytelling skills. Two thumbs up! Backed with true pleasure. Johanna Kern Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

This was unexpected. More graphic detail than I prefer to read, but not overdone. Solid writing overall. Confused by "the human police." Jan Fringe of Darkness

Really well written. Caught me up and kept me locked on moving from para to para. Excellent. Good luck. Backed.

thriller pitch .. scotland yard Im writing them i n the munroe series so it piqued my interest right away.. backed your book!

Fran Wow, this is just like a real book, that I'd pick up in a book shop and buy. Really, nothing to add or cavil about. I'm going to keep an eye out for your books down my local Waterstones. It can't be long now! Backed. Nicole (Chosen)

I have backed your book. I love detective and mystery stories (I write the same genre in the munroe series) I've posted 4 novels and 1 screenplay on here, different genres and styles of story telling but all quite funny :)

Dear Sister Trollopite Fran Hiatt, Love The Way We Live Now and Barchester Chronicles. You can’t tell a book by its cover, but your cover led me to your book. I want to be in that chair by the shore this long, hot Fourth of July weekend, American Independence Day, reading 24 Hours from Tulse Hill. Isn’t that ironic? Your very Scotland Yard British book – to my American mind – seems like a great beach read. Backed. Please have a look at CBGB Was My High School. GK Stritch

Excellent voice that keeps the reader enthralled. Well written. BAcked. I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it. Best, Robert Golden Conspiracy

With mutual connections to Dulwich and Bournemouth, I couldn't resist this. If Trent was older I could almost envisage David Jason playing him and making subtly irreverent digs at his COs. Very Jack Frost. I've backed this on the strength of two chapters and hope to read more later to find out how much the south coast scene has changed since I left it 25 years ago! Steve Hayward ~ Mickey Take

I don't usually read this type of fiction, so I'm probably not the best to critique it. However, your writing style is good and easy to follow - not an easy thing to do when writing action - and your dialogue is natural and flows smoothly. A good start. Katy Christie No Man No Cry

Now that's more f**ck**' like it!! Good job.

Great writing. Backed with pleasure, M - Weekend Chimney Sweep - Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Very well written. Explosive as hell. I agree with Mr. Nom de Plume: either use the real word or find another with which you are more comfortable. I had a great deal of trouble initially with the rough language required in As The Twig Is Bent (shameless plug). However, after being urged onward by my wife, I found that the "real deal" was the only way to go. Good luck. Backed.

There is quite a lot of violence in this first chapter, not exactly my cup of tea. But I give you full marks for good writing style and story that keeps one reading on. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

I like the style of prose, but the use of *** to substitute for letters weakens it slightly. A suggestion is to use the actual letters or employ a weaker word, perhaps spoken by a well mannered officer. Great work. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues)

I read chapters 1 and 5 (random choice), I liked them both, especially chapter 5 which adds real depth and feeling to the characters. Well written, with good portrayal of the emotions which make it absorbing. As I'm writing this I've decided I want to read the next chapter as well to get more of an impression which is testament to the engaging prose. Very happy to back! Fabrice, Club Wars

Your pitch sold me! Besides, I'm an ABBA nut. Anyway, very well-written. Trent is beautifully created--I like him already. Backed. Donna Burgess (Darklands)

I used to live in Tulse Hill but nothing exciting like this ever happened! It's a bit like a scene from the Old Bill or Get Carter etc. Fast paced and very contemporary on style and substance...this should go down well with readers of this genre Cheers Stewart

The pitch hooked me, even before I started on the book. Good writing all round. Philip John

Dear fran, I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, read a couple of chapters and enjoyed them. How much more I read and comment on will depend on time and commitment. Enjoy everything. MM Psychiatric Evaluation

This is a good start to the book. Fast gritty and very effective. I'd tend to have the photographer far more aggressive in his words. "now look" is a little tame. May be "Fucking spread your legs, with your hands above your head, or I'll beat the shit out of you." would be more appropriate. I'm backing as the storyline is good Keith

good opening, and I particularly like your pitch - (which has echoes of mine)

Great title and some tight writing.

Exciting read. The way you pull the reader right into the scene and give a glimpse of Trent's personality at the same time is excellent. Hope this makes it to the public! Jayne

Fran, I found this a very good piece of writing. Poor old Trent, he'd done his best, found himself injured in the call of duty, then threatened with transfer to the cutting edge of Dorset. Not a bad move, as it happens... I was glad to read on. Backed, Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Fran. I really enjoyed this...I can see how much time you spent on both the storyline and your MC, I think he will make a great repeat character....I think you have great pace, nice intrigue, I love a book that makes you think. I felt like I was on the hunt right along side Trent. Great descriptive writing, good emotion and I can see there is a couple of ways you can go, especially with Ros character. Well written, there were some typo's and I know your working on them but nothing that hampered the story..Thank you so much for sharing your gift and Talent Backed happily Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Nice one, but for personal reasons I was disappointed that I couldn't find the reference to Corfe Castle. J.S.Watts A DARKER MOON

Except for the first paragraph, which is confusing* (“silent and ghostly figures” – at first I thought they were gang members already detained – followed by “newcomers” gang members not yet detained), this is a very readable story. Backed. Iva P. Fame and Infamy * Remember that the reader starts in complete darkness and the sooner you elucidate the situation, the better. The first paragraph kicks off the story and should be free of guessing.

Dear Fran -- This is taut prose, perfect for a thriller, with little deadweight to weigh down the pace. You couple this with something more, however: a well-drawn portrait of Trent and his struggles to put his life together. He's no stock cop character boozehound or sensitive guy behind a mask -- he has real issues, and his ambiguity makes him stay with the reader as a person, not just some character in a crime thriller. Trent has universal appeal, and the dark humor laced throughout the story adds another layer of surprising and delightful entertainment. Nitpick: adverbs. Ex. Chap 1 "Trent relaxed his grip slightly before slapping his cheeks repeatedly" -- you have a keen sense of description that makes this catch the eye because it's less descriptive than the other bits. Consider looking at places where you use an adverb and see if you can't get a brief but stronger description. "Trent relaxed his grip before slapping his cheeks in a rapid fore-and-backhand." Or something like that. We point this out, of course, because 24 Hours from Tulse Hill is excellent, and we believe that additional polish will aid the story as it continues its deserved ascent toward the ED. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

I enjoyed the opener, and I'm pleased to put 24 Hours... on my bookshelf. Connie Chastain Southern Man

Great start. I'll put it on my shelf and try and read properly - and no, not just reading because I've got a flat round the corner from Tulse Hill! All the best, L

'Crime' isn't a genre I read often, but there is much more to find in this book than just 'crime'. The characters are interesting in themselves, and very strongly drawn, but what I particularly enjoyed was the great awareness of the English, and the England of the twentieth century (and a little bit of the twenty-first). There was careful, accurate, and sometimes amusing observation of all the things which surrounded us, of clothing, and even of the architecture of the period. A rewarding read. RT

Interesting premise, thrillingly delivered! Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!! A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated. Frank. If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book

You are so fantastic, Fran! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Your Sergeant Trent is an intriguing character--one dose wounded patriot, one dose melancholy and a dash of cruelty and derision thrown in. Despite the action-packed starting scene, with its great imagery and bits of backstory, I found it to be really a character study of this Trent, which I liked immensely. Always a good idea to start with such an interesting person. The story will propel then by the plot and by our discovery of his character and flaws and our desire to see what he will do. Great rhythm to your writing and a steady, smooth pace very well suited to the genre. Good work, really enjoyed this. ---Mary The Qualities of Wood

Perfect;y executed for a crime thriller! Any reader of this genre would approve. Your characters are alive--this story is emotionally charged and a pleasure to read. xBeccaX The Forever Girl

might check it from the library but wouldnt spend money on it

[QUOTE] Good writing, reads very well. i think the action in the first chapter is nicely handled although some of it felt a bit too straightforward at times. He attacks the photographer without being seen, he runs after Gobek without a plan, he gets shot just standing there watching... I'm not saying these things can't happen, just that you don't really build up to them or flow from one event to the next, they just seem to happen. The characters are well drawn and the dark humour works nicely. Backed. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments. The reason Trent has 'no plan' is because he is emotionally charged up so he just reacts to the situation with no regard for the consequences.The extent of his mental/emotional state is revealed later, but I didn't want to overload chapter 1 with a pre-amble about Trent I just wanted to introduce him, paint an outline and get him shot.

Good writing, reads very well. i think the action in the first chapter is nicely handled although some of it felt a bit too straightforward at times. He attacks the photographer without being seen, he runs after Gobek without a plan, he gets shot just standing there watching... I'm not saying these things can't happen, just that you don't really build up to them or flow from one event to the next, they just seem to happen. The characters are well drawn and the dark humour works nicely. Backed.

fran, you have a winner on your hands--the imagery and the writing is superb. The rhythm is excellent and the writing compelling. Best Scott The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

'24 Hours From Tulse Hill' caught my eye because I used to live there, although as it turned out its set in Bournemouth which is even better. I ended up reading it straight through from beginning to end, its that type of book. The characters are solid gold, even the minor ones. The main character is a bit of an anti-hero and very likeable, the plots are realistic, and it has some wonderful dark humour tucked away in there too. Apart from flying off the book shelves I think it would make a great TV series. The last chapter had me smiling one minute and crying the next and I just had to play that Abba song over and over. Backed 100%.

Judging by the first few chapters this is a good story and on that basis I am going to back it. I hope to get back to the rest later. Meanwhile, you might like to take a look at Adam's Apple, which is a comedy. Regards, Leslie Rocker

Judging by the first few chapters this is a good story and on that basis I am going to back it. I hope to get back to the rest later. Meanwhile, you might like to take a look at Adam's Apple, which is a comedy. Regards, Leslie Rocker

this is a very good story, paced well, good narrative, superb character in Trent...on wl... su dan...read SEASONS

Hi Great fast paced story. The scene in with the photographer builds well. Just a few little nits that bothered me... 'policeman's unshaven face...' Who? It's not clear. '...and he shrieked in shock.' This needs a new sentence and something else other than 'he' as it seems that the policeman is doing the shrieking but I realised it was the photographer. 'Some of Trent's contemporaries carried their own...' The whole paragraph goes on too long and interupts the build up of tension. I would suggest you omit this and put it in later if neccessary. Great characterisations. Trent is a good choice for the MC. Shelved. A return read and comment would be appreciated. Cheers Olga

Tension and action in ch 1. You pull us in with details, the sights, the sounds, the feel of the warm blood - maybe focus a little on the taste and smell too? Nit-picks: As it's his pov, make it a stag-party hangover instead? And I don't think you need 'mischeivously' and 'snivelled' - the dialogue itself tells us those sentiments. In ch 2 you build on Trent's character in a more reflective way - very good. You may need a few more commas eg. With a flick of the hair, she kissed.. but it's very readable. You have an intrigung, flawed hero, in a well set up situation. This is very promising! Backed.

I'm going to read this simply because I love the Carter song (24 minutes from Tulse Hill).

HI Fran, Fast action,well defined characters and a thriller. I back the novel Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Glad I could finish reading this. Trent is a good main character and I like the way you have action from the start. it has an interesting premise and the dialogue and build up of characters is good. Backed, Lisa

I was just going to read this, I hope you can rectify the error. Ww Lisa PS I liked the cover and premise for what it is worth.

Like most others who've commented on 24 Hours from Tulse Hill, I feel the opening is strong. Also read a chapter much further in, 16 I think, where they interview the woman at the B&B. Some nice touches here, the way she gets them all cosy eating bacon sandwiches and fibs to them, and the way this splits their loyalties with one of the cops not wanting to go further because he'd always got on with her and her brother over the years. So, action and strong characters too. Backed.

Nice opening to the story. I like how you start with action. In Chapter 10, mind the punctuation around quotation marks. The comma goes before the quotation mark, not after. If the quote is a question, you don't need to include a comma. I like this, so I'll back it. Brian Mute

Good pace, well written. I have had enough of police procedure, but it's very successful and this should do well. Backed.

Gripping. I'm not sure what a DC is. Maybe explain the acronym? Backed. Giulietta (Bluebird)

Interesting start, it certainly sucked me in and I would keep reading if I had just scanned it in a book store. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

A gritty, dark, well paced, well written thriller. Your character development is solid, you make Trent come alive, your use of imagery is excellent and the dialogue is tight and believeable. Backed with pleasure. Andrew Burans The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

A gripping start to a great and easy to read story. Backed. Lucy Divine

Great Storyline and Trent's personal life makes the story come alive. Backed. Tania, This Last Summer

24 Hours from Tulse Hill: Fran, I quickly became drawn in to your gripping first scene which had all the hallmarks of a thriller that does thrill. Trent, despite his own baggage is a likeable character and you draw him with real acuity of observation; both through narrative and dialogue. This is skilful writing where the effects are felt without seeing the means, the plot seamless. Wyn is again beautifully drawn, the character observed and mirrored through a distinct brand of black humour which seems a part of your voice and makes this book stand out from others in its genres, right from the first two chapters. Backed. Ray (A Child from the Wishing Well)

24 Hours from Tulse Hill First let me apologies for the delay in commenting from my recent backing, time has been a big problem recently, anyway… What a brilliant and fast opening, hooked me in straight away. What did impress me was there was a hint of underlying humour that fleshed Trent out so very well. I very much like the structure in this, very intelligently thought out. Great characterisation, great narrative, great storyline, great book. – This has made my day!

I think this is a gripping and interesting plot, one that lures the reader in with one question after another. My only suggestion would be to watch the technical aspects, such as punctuation around dialogue. There are several fullstops prior to dialogue tags such as "he said" where it should be a comma inside the dialogue marks. That aside, this is a great piece of work. Abi xxx

This is great - fantastic pitches and a first chapter that just drags you in. Looking forward to reading more, but very happy to back on the basis of what I've read so far! Would definitely buy this. Amanda The Roman and the Runaway

Thoughtfully judged and crafted. Opening few pages build a convincing world and the story so far makes me want to read more, which I will endeavour to do as time on here allows. Clive Cincinnati Dancing Pig

I've read many police/detective stories over the decades and I'm very pleased to read something brand new like 24 Hours From Tulse Hill which not only has several plots, but also portrays the police characters as normal human beings with all the emotional baggage that goes with it. I look forward to reading the rest of it. Backed.

Anyone who wants to destroy slavers is fine by me. Anyone slavers who hurt dogs ought to be destroyed - along with the slavers who don't hurt dogs...... Compelling first chapter, needs a bit of proofing. Best of luck with your novel. Judy Adams The Existence Game

Anyone who wants to destroy slavers is fine by me. Anyone slavers who hurt dogs ought to be destroyed - along with the slavers who don't hurt dogs...... Compelling first chapter, needs a bit of proofing. Best of luck with your novel. Judy Adams The Existence Game

hullo Fran. I haven't finished yet but I have a very good idea what I would do to someone who shot either of my German Shepherds. very good opening concerning the type of crime which goes on today. very good. Already shelved and backed. If you have not already, please give my book a look. thanks Linda Lou Long Southern dis-Comfort http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Hi Fran, this is a really good read. My friend is a police dog handler, so your description of the policeman's rage at the wounding of his dog was very realistic. A thrilling opening chapter in which we also learn quite a lot about Trent's character. Backed with pleasure, Barry Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hey, I loved the tite, made me laugh. Can I say that you have done a good job here. the pages that I visited was gripping, readable and pleasureable. Backed Brendan Doherty The Russian Hat

[Thank you for returning my backing. T. ☼☼☼☼☼] I think the opening sentence is stronger. And you’ve not exactly gone with my suggestions, but have taken on board the gist. Great! This is something you need to keep under very active review. It is hard, because you are used to it. I always try to give my opinion as a fresh pair of eyes, because that is what I myself most want. I actually made a note about the first paragraph the second I read it. And I am always pleased when someone says, “at first...” I know I’m getting gold dust. It is your first contact with the reader and it has to be perfect. “Does it hurt, eh, does it hurt? Does it really hurt?” Is this new? It goes a tiny bit over the top. Does he have such a malicious streak? I think the repetition of “hurt” three times goes a bit too far. Perhaps swap one for “you fucking pervert”/”you perverted bastard”/something like that? I think he would be worked up enough to swear. Don’t be shy of swearing, people do, you know. There’s not much wrong with your first chapter. It is compelling and full of action and accurate in the Uk context. Actually I love the bit where the dog handlers react after one of the dogs is shot. That’s real human interest. I did think if the dog wasn’t actually killed, he (or she) would be whining in pain. Anyway, good job on the first sentence. Adding the name helps lift it a bit. And at the start, every little tiny thing counts.

24 Hours From Tulse Hill [thank you for returning my backing. T ☼☼☼☼☼] Nice title, a play on “24 Hours From Tulsa”? The opening is impressive. You say in the pitch that Trent has on old injury. This gripping account of how he came by it delivers on the promise in the pitch. I like the choice of the incident in which he gets it. If the rest is like this, I’d be away to the checkout right now. The last line in particular is very good. I just felt the opening sentence could be rearranged slightly. Maybe it’s my personal taste, but I’d have it begin with the forklift. “Crouching behind a forklift…” “From their vantage point behind the forklift…”? I don’t know, it feels a bit more alive than “The three detectives”. Or change the three detectives into “Trent and his team”. The rest is wonderful. Only one thing, the long pitch could be broken up into blocks of text with a gap in between. That’s all. A really good read so far. I’m backing this. If you could possibly find time to have a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

I want to begin by telling you that I admire your courage. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to unzip your soul and turn around and grab your ankles and ask the world to judge you. And that’s what an author does when he writes. And everyone knows that. That’s why fiction was born. Because the friction between pride and fact chafes a man’s marrow. So congratulations of the courage of composition. And I swear to the good Christ I mean that. You know - writing is really difficult work. I know. I’ve done it. Hell, I’m doing it. And then one day you take your hands off the keyboard and you sit back in your chair and you exhale. Because let’s be serious - the exposition is exhaustive. And everyone knows the cost of energy. But the difference between great writing and merely telling the tale is that you have to take your hands off the armrests and wipe the sweat off your brow and start again. The real work of changing writing from remarking on a story and making it remarkable is twofold: parallelism and dialogue. Parallelism is when the nouns and verbs are in agreement. Parallelism is when the verb tenses are in agreement. Parallelism is when the adjectives and adverbs are placed in their proper arrangement. Parallelism is when the writer uses the same prefix or suffix to draw a correlation or show equity in importance. Parallelism is when there is noun and pronoun agreement. Do you know why Maya Angelou is so celebrated? Because you’re not going to find a modern writer who is as gifted with parallelism as Angelou is gifted. Dialogue is the single most important element of a story. So a writer must try all his words in the mouths of the participants. So as an author you have to put the words in your narrator’s and characters’ mouth and see if they fit. Do they slip and slide and slather out like spit on a blouse? Are your characters mouthy enough to enunciate your thoughts? Do they have the bite to make your pronouncements? So, hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth. Good luck, Mark R. Trost “Post Marked.”

Action, excitement and its got my adrenaline running. I love the speed at which the story goes, and every incident has me hooked on the way. The incident of the gunshot is graphic and well described. The details of the dogs are a neat touch raising sympathy/emotion. Its so well known we in England give more money to animal charities then to human! So the end is also a nice touch. Very happily backed Christina

This is a well written book and you've obviously put a lot of work into it. It reads easily and the pace keeps you reading on and on smoothly. I did find a little nit pick worth editing and that's to do with your dialogue. Whenever you have a 'he said' it should read: '"give you something to cry about," he said...' So you need a comma and then a lower case 'h'. Aimee xxx His Pride, Her Prejudice

Hi Fran, The storyline is expressed very fluidly, bringing me into Trent’s work and the accident. It has a lackadaisical mood, Trent’s knowing that the sex slaves are in a corrupt circle no matter what. Then Muriel and Wyn are amusing in their attempts at compromise. This feels character-driven and yet it brings along a steady plot. The synopsis promises interesting fieldwork for Trent! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Fran, your first chapter is an enjoyable, smooth read. I like the mix of narrative and dialogue. You need to work on putting commas when using direct address, though. For instance: "Stand still (comma needed here) Gobek (comma needed here as well).. Good job overall. Happy to back this. Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Dear Fran I find it very hard find books that keep me hooked and yours does no problem! What a well written and capturing first chapter! I loved it from beginning to end! Witty humor, with strong main characters and even a villian all in the opening to boot! I love Trent (and the dog, sorry old boy) and though he's a bad guy, I rather like Gobek too. Well done! Keep up the excellent work! Happy Writing! Anne Morgan - Forgotten Gods

You have clearly taken the comments you have received on board as the book starts at a great point. You get us stright into the action and let the characters emerge rather than ramming home every piece of information we might need. Trent comes across a little Gene Hunt and I wonder if he is slightly out of time in the modern world but that is only my view. I believe that you balance the humour well and your descriptive writing style makes it is easy to visualise your scenes. It is always good to see Bournemouth and Dorset mentioned but again, that is just my personal preference. Good luck with it. Micki Attridge (Dear Sir or Madam)

This was gripping, and so well written. You have great imagery. I read three chapters and felt cheated that I did not have more time. Your dialogue is crisp and believable and your characterization impeccable. This would make a good screen play. Very Good Wilma1 Knowing Liam Riley

The play was good, but the book is better.

Was interested to see that you have moved Muriel and Wyn to chap6. Am interested to see how they fit in. Perhaps Muriel doesn't. This move has improved the flow of the story so I shall come back again. Regards, Anne

Trent is a great flawed hero character. While he can be out of control, there's plenty of reason to sympathize with the reasons he is lashing out and self-destructive. And I do feel like I want to see him turn his life around, both professionally and personally. This is good and I'll back it. Brian Mute

I began this on Sunday and came back for more today. I don't read a great deal of crime genre books and yet, I've found a number of them here that really grab the reader. This is one of them. Your writing is solid throughout, but it's your storyline that really takes off and holds the readers attention. Great read. Lockjaw

Backed with Pleasure! Jocelyn E. Morris ( Bore No More)

Down-to-earth, sordid where it has to be, humorous - just my sort of thriller. I see you've got another posted. Can't wait to start on it. Wish it were possible to finish this one, though. Backed. Lynn

Dear Fran, What intrigue! May God give you the wisdom to finish your book. It reminds me of Al Pacino, but I can't remember the name of the movie. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

I love this writing. Action and humour combined really well with great dialogue. I can see no areas to improve this. Backed with pleasure. Colin

[QUOTE] Fran, ......you should never kill an animal in your story". Richard Bard BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist) [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments and the advice. This being Easter Sunday you'll be pleased to know that the police dog has been resurrected and his injury relegated to a flesh wound and is responding well to treatment at the vets. I felt happier about it because I couldn't look my own dog in the eye before. If you're keen to see what I've done to Chapter 1 please take another look. It shouldn't take very long, I've cut it down a bit and I think this has improved it. Other chapters will be added soon but I am re-editing each one before uploading. My "proper job" work is hampering this process unfortunately, so please bear with me. Thanks Fran Hiatt

The first chap was really good it promised an exciting tale about illegal traffiking in young girls. This was followed by the description of Wyn and Muriel's marriage breakdown. This was great if it had belonged to a different book. The charity shop clothing bit was funny but basically I wanted you to take us back to the main story. I suppose that I am an impatient reader but my interest was reawakened when the body was discovered in the car. My suggestion would be that somehow you give us the insights to the men's characters along the way instead of whole chaps. Regards, Anne

Fran, Your pitch and the first couple of chapters are gripping. Good pace, vivid descriptions, and wonderful characterizations move the story along, but it's your voice that ties it nicely together. One suggestion: I had a wise Novel Writing professor at UCLA that said you should never kill an animal in your story. It turns many readers off. She's published 54 novels, so she knows a bit about it. You might consider that in your next rewrite. For me, I found 24 HOURS FROM TULSE HILL to be a compelling read. Well done. Backed. Richard Bard BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Hi Fran, Good stuff! When I first read the pitch, I thought it told of the murder of an ABBA tribute band. Sadly, I now notice it is only one member! No way of doing the other three in, I suppose? I like your opening, too and will continue to read it. The first sentence of your pitch could well describe one of my own MCs. He's not a policeman, however, he's a teacher and the daily grind of deception, anger, aggression, management incompetence and overall lawlessness has got to him, too. Best wishes and good luck Russell |Cruse

great title and first couple of pages were a ripper. Didn't like the absolute evil bit in the opening paragraphs, just felt perhaps it's better to let the reader make their own minds up, to me it just feels a bit of an authorly intrusion. But then that's probably just me. you write really well he says green with envy. Backed with gusto all the best Harley - the loneliness of the english soul

This has a terrific pace (like mine) and similar story content, people trafficking etc. Trent is a realistic character and the reader bond's with him from the off. In the first paragraph you hint at the emotional baggage Trent is carrying around with him that will, I have no doubt, raise it's head later on in your story. Did spot a helpful nit for you. Landed on his wounded side.. you have landed on to his wounded side. Your writing is extremely polished and this was an absolute delight to read. Melxx

Your interesting pitch drew me in to read the book, which I've certainly enjoyed. Rob Trent is a good character, one it's easy to relate to. Your opening scene is gripping and fast moving, and we quickly become engrossed in the action. The only suggestion I would make is to take out Rob's remarks about Rin Tin Tin. I understand that they are there to establish his grumpy character; but many of your potential readers will be shocked by the dog being shot, and won't feel happy about disparaging remarks about it. They will end up disliking Rob. However grumpy he may be, the reader still needs to basically like him and be on his side. Your next chapter introduces another main character, Wyn. Your story of his life with Muriel has a lot of black humour and is very readable. The characters spring to life, and we feel involved in their lives. I think you've possibly got too far away from Rob for too long, and a shorter chapter here, with the rest revealed when we know Rob is going to Bournemouth, might work better. But this is an interesting, enjoyable book, which I hope to read more of. Backed. Gerry McCullough, Belfast Girls.

Hello Fran, Good tense story with Trent as a very characterful MC. No time to read more than first two chapters, but will read more when time permits. In the meantime, it is going on my SHELF. I think that this has tremendous potential. Good luck. Phyllis A Passing Storm (If you have time, would you have a look at this for me please?)

Your work certainly changed from Arrived... arrived but it is overwritten. a good meal inside him is a cliche. all that is needed is a meal. Digging with their bare hands until the EVENTUALLY reached the wire is overwriting. No choice but to run to the car because there was nowhere else to go. Slows the action down. I did not read much I had to comment on the penchant you have for overwriting. Be sparing in your description do not use two words where one would do. The plot is OK and I am sure you have outlined your story but make sure you do not use too many verbs. More than one is redundant. I wish you very good luck. Do not veer too far from your plot. There are a lot of readers for your story. Do you use th computer to read aloud to you?

Following some very good advice via the comments I have re-edited Chapter 1 and it has now shed a few pounds. If you get a chance to re-read it I'd be grateful for your comments, it shouldn't t take you long it's now very lean and mean. Thanks, Fran Hiatt

I like stories that have flawed main characters. And Rob certainly is that. His faults, however, are what makes him an interesting character. And leads to this interesting plot. And while doing that, makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

The first para put me off. Arrived and arrived. Get out the thesaurus. Shorten the sentences to add exicitment. Shotern the chapter. Get to where you are going sooner. I backed this because it can be improved.

Great stuff...loved the 'sodding dog' Backed with lots of luck to you! Couldnt spot a gltch in the pitch (it's a bit blocky btw) Got one in your 'Who am I'..knowledgeable', oh and Trent wept...not 'weeped'. Really exciting start, gets our sympathy mikegilli The Free

You certainly have a talent for pacing a story! So far this is well crafted and just down right compelling! BACKED with pleasure and I will return for more of this gem tonight! Liz The Cheech Room

Hi, I liked this. The dialogue is believable and the story moves along nicely. Sometimes people feel it necessary to attract the reader's attention from the first word. The reader is then let down later in the book. A slow build up, although becoming less popular, is still appealing. Good luck with your novel. Gerry

[QUOTE] Hi, I like your character, it's nice to have the grouchy cop be the protagonist because we can understand why he's grouchy. I think you've got a good story here and you can draw the reader in. What I think you might want to do is think about where your story starts. I think it starts with "the gun suddenly went off' which is a long way into the chapter. The information before this is great characterization and needs to be in the chapter somewhere but starting with the action is more likely to grab your reader and keep them going long enough to buy the book. Other than that, you do tell a bit more than show, but if that's the style you were going for, it works. I'll put you on my watchlist. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the comments. I know what you mean about grabbing the reader's attention early and I did substitute Chapter 1 for a prologue. Unfortunately it didn't work for me because I thought the original chapter's lead up to the shooting gave people more of an insight into Trent's problems and the type of work he was involved in. I may work on a suitable compromise and put it in later, but I'm just pleased that I'm getting a lot of encouragement here. There are 5 chapters uploaded now so please carry on reading and let me know what you think.

Hi, I like your character, it's nice to have the grouchy cop be the protagonist because we can understand why he's grouchy. I think you've got a good story here and you can draw the reader in. What I think you might want to do is think about where your story starts. I think it starts with "the gun suddenly went off' which is a long way into the chapter. The information before this is great characterization and needs to be in the chapter somewhere but starting with the action is more likely to grab your reader and keep them going long enough to buy the book. Other than that, you do tell a bit more than show, but if that's the style you were going for, it works. I'll put you on my watchlist.

[QUOTE] I like the pitch too! I'll definitely give it a go. [ENDQUOTE] Thanks. I've uploaded Chapter 4 and hopefully more will follow over the weekend.

[QUOTE] Aw........definitely not enough chapters for me but very happy to back on what I read. [ENDQUOTE] I will be loading Chapter 4 this evening and more if I can. I will be happy to read your work.

Polished charcters and diolouge and craftmanship that make the words explode of the page. C W Shelved.

I like the pitch too! I'll definitely give it a go.

[QUOTE] Terrific characterization, tight prose, and rampant imagination, especially in regard to the fate of the Dynatron. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial) [ENDQUOTE] Your comment has certainly brightened up my morning. Thanks.

OH, these hobbled, middle-aged men with badges and full bladders. Terrific characterization, tight prose, and rampant imagination, especially in regard to the fate of the Dynatron. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

[QUOTE] I love the pitch, after all those disheartening things you say Bournemouth may hold the answer, well being by the sea works for me and so could work for anyone. I love the opening and the way you describe Trent. The pace of this is brilliant and made me want to read on. The descriptions brilliant and I love the way he shuffles into work after not having time to organise himself. Excellent, backed with pleasure. Sandie The Crown of Crysaldor [ENDQUOTE] I love your comments, many thanks.

I love the pitch, after all those disheartening things you say Bournemouth may hold the answer, well being by the sea works for me and so could work for anyone. I love the opening and the way you describe Trent. The pace of this is brilliant and made me want to read on. The descriptions brilliant and I love the way he shuffles into work after not having time to organise himself. Excellent, backed with pleasure. Sandie The Crown of Crysaldor

[QUOTE] I am really into this! Only 3 chapters!!! I need more. On my watchlist straight away [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the encouraging comment. I will try and get Chapter 4 uploaded Thursday evening.

I am really into this! Only 3 chapters!!! I need more. On my watchlist straight away

[QUOTE] JC The Obergemau Key Authonomy's #1 rated commentator [ENDQUOTE] I will certainly have a read of The Obergemau Key . Thanks for your message.

I see that you are on many shelves but no one has bothered to comment you, so that honor will be mine, being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED! I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers! JC The Obergemau Key Authonomy's #1 rated commentator