You have great promise here. Some of the wording had me confused for a second, and I had to reread sentences a few times to fully understand them. The plot is strong and you have put a lot of thought into your characters. With a little editing this could be really good! Keep working and good luck! luckyfish09

Thank You for sharing your story. You have an excellent short and long pitch! Prologue- Engaging but at the same time confusing- did the dragon save her from a suicide attempt?- hard to tell. Also in chapter one- lots of characters being introduced with unusual names- some difficulty keeping this straight and also terminology that isn't explained well. Aside from this I would love to have more to read as I would have loved to see Cirrus and Sybl meet! Minor editorial issues- Chapt. 1 "...as the Prince waited trustingly fo his judegement (judgement?) on this one." Hope this is helpful. Desi.

Hello!!!:) I started reading this because I love the sort of YA fiction books (I'm 18 so it kind of makes sense xD) and my mission (apart from getting my book properly edited and getting good advice) is to help writers that write for youngters like me get to understand what we youngters want! I started reading this because it sounds like a great concept, its something fresh, not the typical... plain girl moves to scary town and meets gorgeous guy that wasn't interested in girls, but now is interested in the plain girl..xD Now, if you're aiming a young audience like myself, there are a couple of things you've got to keep in mind. For instance, when you start the book the most important thing is the first chapter, it's what's going to make the person decide whether to chuck it across the room or keep on reading... Maybe one does not care cuz they've already paid for it, but I'm guessing most of us want our readers to enjoy the book. Okay, so I'll start. Teenagers do NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT like page after page of long paragraphs of narration, adults may go with it and love it, teenagers... entire different world here. They want dialogue, and they want a kind of BANG, something that catches their eye and gets them starting. For example, in the book written by famous editor Renni Browne, she explains the following; Thanks to influcence of movies and tv, readers today have become accustomed to seeing a story as a series of immediate scenes. Narrative summary no longer engages readers the way it once did. Since engagement is exactly what a fiction writer wants to accomplish, youre well advised to rely heavily on immediate scenes to put your story across. You want to draw your readers into the world youve created, make them feel a part of it, make them forget where they are. And you cant do this effectively if you tell your readers about your world secondhand. You have to take them there. So, I hope this comment as helped in some way... If its made everything worse I'm ever so sorry!:) Just here to help =D I do wish to find YA fiction books out there on the market to read them (too many bad books out nowadays) Lots of luck, and best of wishes! J.F.Johns

Not much into romance but I did enjoy your writing and I;m backing it. Good luck. Dan

@Sam241 ty so much! I'll give your great suggestions a look over soon. I was not aware my "Ain Soph Aur" (Limitless Light) was in a rpg lol. Now you got my interest to play it, because I want to know who used it first--as that's an older one of my concepts >< ! I will be reading your Zodiac Hunters soon too, I just need to catch up a bit with my writing and current reviews.

Hello! I've been looking forward to this so I'm just going to dig in. Whatever I say, you're under no obligation to listen to a word of it if you feel it's not what you're looking for: ONE Not a bad opening. It does however sound a little clunky. You could trim it a bit: 'Cirrus waved the silver-chained fairy pendant back and forth from his index claw. It had become a precise art for him to so much as hold the delicate necklace, for a moment's lapse in concentration and it would shatter. But he wouldn't break it, or even lock it away. He could never let go of it.' Just a suggestion, it might make it flow smoother. 'His eyes began to grow heavy...' This sounds a bit repetitive. You mention his eyelids growing heavy, then hypnotizing. I'd stick with the eyelids, and then perhaps mention it's the swinging of the pendant drawing him to sleep. The reader knows he's being hypnotized- you don't have to outright say it. The reference to the best friend's killer was a bit sudden. Perhaps give us more of Cirrus's thoughts to help us follow why he brings this up, seemingly out of the blue? 'time felt as if it has frozen'- you could strengthen this with 'Time had frozen'. Any 'as if/ almost' sounds like you're hedging your bets a little. Be confident in what you're saying! Okay that whole paragraph is one sentence, and you're throwing out a lot of information. I'd reveal it a bit more discretely. Maybe have Cirrus contemplate how things have changed, how he misses the 'old times', and then bring in the war and such. Else the information seems to come out because the reader needs to know, rather than as an integral part to the scene. A lot of your sentences seem drawn out. For example, 'Cirrus was startled out of his trance by his memory of...' You could simplify it to: 'Cirrus blinked, startled from his trance as Nafury's words came back to him. He looked to the pendant, fearing it would drop.' 'The only Dreams that did not leave him on waking were the ones...of his mother' sounds better to me. '...because he had killed her before he opened his eyes to the world...' very evocative sentence! Nice. 'Ain Soph Aur'- made me lol, as this is a fighting move in an RPG video game I play :) This is all interesting world-building...just make sure (as you've mostly done) that it's connected to Cirrus's own thoughts and feelings. TWO The first paragraph is a little chunky- you could break it up. Makes for easier reading! Dragons and griffins- me like! :D (I have them in my story, too). Ah, so now we meet the MC! Very good. The conflict and mystery is good and the tension between factions comes across well. Again, I'd just say the writing needs a bit of streamlining to make it as easy to read as possible. THREE Again, plot's got my interest, but I do occasionally trip over some of your wordings. Reading aloud often helps to iron out the kinks and make for smoother reading. Loving the psi talks- this is an element of your story I bet you had a lot of fun with :) I'm really digging your ideas and concepts here- very refreshing, and the terms and such are fairly easy to follow and understand, with fun characters and lots going on. I would say however your writing isn't quite doing it justice. Try to keep the sentences slimmer, so you can say what you want to say without extending it or padding out. Also, the second and third chapters were a lot more intriguing for me than the first one. Not sure why, maybe because it was real-time action, but just something I picked up on. Wonderfully imaginative- best of luck with it! all the best Sam241

Went back to add more detail to chapter one and made the two scenes after the first into chapter two.

[QUOTE] Your story line is interesting and I like the premise. Only, the run on sentences left me drifting off. Rating it right now! [ENDQUOTE] I'll have to go back and fix those up. ty for noticing and mentioning them. =)

Your story line is interesting and I like the premise. Only, the run on sentences left me drifting off. Rating it right now!

Read the first chapter and I'm hooked. I have you on my watchlist until i finish the rest, but I have no doubt that I'm going to like it too. I got a little confused when it switched to the different characters and since I don't know what everything is, some of the words threw me off. I think I like Kas the best so far, and his mentor Jru. Not a big fan of the King. Anyway, I'm eager to read more and I'm sure you'll be one of the first books on my shelf. Jennifer Beth Toxic Blood

ty so much for your review! ^ ^

S J, You have a colorful cast of characters assembled here in this imaginative story. Dragon Aster: Book of Flowers is a stunning account which sweeps the reader away to another world. I've rated it with six stars. Walden Carrington Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

SJ I have read 3 chapters of your book and I think your work is very well written and the way you write about the characters Gloria, Kas, Hain, Jasper, Ishtar is very compelling. The story also has a nice flow, you are defiantly a talented writer the way your story takes our imagination on a special journey. Well done, keep posting more chapters. Laila Bevan

All reads/comments/corrections are much appreciated, I'm hoping to polish this for send off.