Hi Najwa, well, I am exactly of your opinion as far as the genre and readability go. This was my intent: a sort of Agatha Christie style with a modern twist. A book one can enjoy also while traveling, lying on a beach, etc... I am working on a revision. After receiving some comments I have come to believe that the murderer is too easily guessed, so I need to work on that. Also, I think I need to introduce a bit more humor: some of the characters demand it, I think... Thanks so much for your comments! [QUOTE] Hi, you know i hardly comment, but you also know what i think of your book as i commented way back and since then it has remained on my shelf without break...why? 1. i love the cover...2. i love mysteries 3. i'm getting sick and tired of terrorism based complicated murder mysteries that are now the craze 4. straightforward lightly written mysteries are a thing of the past and so now are most refreshing today when everythign in life is already too stressed and complexed, 5. i loved the setting and 6. its re-redeable. to me any classic mystery or any novel or movie for that matter that can be read over and over again even after you've learnt the words by heart is a real success... best of luck Nagwa [ENDQUOTE]

Hi, you know i hardly comment, but you also know what i think of your book as i commented way back and since then it has remained on my shelf without break...why? 1. i love the cover...2. i love mysteries 3. i'm getting sick and tired of terrorism based complicated murder mysteries that are now the craze 4. straightforward lightly written mysteries are a thing of the past and so now are most refreshing today when everythign in life is already too stressed and complexed, 5. i loved the setting and 6. its re-redeable. to me any classic mystery or any novel or movie for that matter that can be read over and over again even after you've learnt the words by heart is a real success... best of luck Nagwa

Hi Duane; Read the prologue//Chapter 1 . I was a litte confused by the prologue as it doesn't mention a name and presume Felipe is speaking from the pitch but not absolutely sure. Chapter 1 could give more detail as how he settles himself on the island and as you call it "hole in the wall' As a novice i am simply commenting on what i read and by no means an expert. This mystery book has great potential. Red

Hi Duane Here are my comments. General comments : - 1. The prose flows well – with excellent English, spelling and grammar. 2. The dialogue is good. 3. There is not much use, if any, of similes. This makes the text flat. I suggest you make some use of similes to liven up the prose. 4. There is too much use of the word “I”. It introduces passive text – “I did this, I did that.” It’s difficult to reduce when in the first person POV, but should be done, as now I have noticed it, it’s distracting me from the story. Usually, a restructuring of the sentence does the trick, and it makes the text active. (A good example of a first person POV novel is Sphinx by T S Learner.) 5. If you want to use a non-English language, I suggest that you also include the English translation; otherwise it will pass over the heads of most people, and be meaningless. It may even throw some people out of the story, as they rack their brains for the meaning. 6. Unfortunately, the first and second chapters didn’t grab me, so I stopped reading. Some detailed critical comments : - Prologue Not sure that the Prologue adds anything to the story. Ch 1 1. There is no opening “hook” to capture the reader’s interest. 2. Your opening description of Majorca could describe almost any Mediterranean town. Suggest adding something that describes Majorca’s uniqueness. But this description would be better added in later on. 3. I would have expected a murder mystery to open with some action. 4. The first chapter is so slow I suggest deleting it – basically, its all background information, which can be fed in throughout the story, if necessary. Ch 2 1. Most of the Spanish and German passed over my head. 2. I still don’t see any story appearing. Hope this helps. Best regards George

Just looking at your book, I have recently read Agatha Christie, " Problem at Pollensa Bay". So was intrigued. Like your taste of Majorcan life . It put me there. Will read on. Put you on my watch list for now. Lindsey J.

i have read it all and i think it is fine...the resolution. your book isnt conventionally written but that doesnt matter i beleive a real writer has his own style his own voice...as you know i have backed it...best of luck

Hi Najwa! Well, I hope you do read the whole book - I am eager to know how you like the solution to the murder... Thanks for your comments! [QUOTE] hi, you're right it is not at all like Christie in style...and that is a very good thing actually. I was mostinterested in reaing it but the net conked out on me when iwas in the third chapter...anyhow am about ot read it again now. I think your style is very different and i dont care what others may say or think but i feel it is a very very good style of writing. The main thing is to get the readers hooked and i am hooked. I hope you reach the ed desk soon...best of luck. If you like do take a peek at my books too? Only if you like. my compliments have nothing to do with my books or my wanting you to read them please lets get that clear...:))) [ENDQUOTE]

hi, you're right it is not at all like Christie in style...and that is a very good thing actually. I was mostinterested in reaing it but the net conked out on me when iwas in the third chapter...anyhow am about ot read it again now. I think your style is very different and i dont care what others may say or think but i feel it is a very very good style of writing. The main thing is to get the readers hooked and i am hooked. I hope you reach the ed desk soon...best of luck. If you like do take a peek at my books too? Only if you like. my compliments have nothing to do with my books or my wanting you to read them please lets get that clear...:)))

Hi Lucy! Well, your last comment first: that's exactly what I'm going for - entertaining reading for nighttime or for travelers on the airplane or on vacation. I'll have to think about reducing the voice of the MC... Agatha Christie used "Captain Hastings" in this role quite well, but maybe I'm overdoing. I do take your point! I hope you continue to the end... I want to know how the resolution of the mystery plays out. Thanks!!! ;-) [QUOTE] Hi Duane, This story isn't quite what I usually read but it's cute. Has a nice flow it, and reminds me a bit of the "Oxford Murders". I like your story and want to stick with it, but I feel the 1st person MC needs a bit LESS of a voice. For example, you get lost in the thought process of your own MC and it takes away from the story, making it flow a little slower and the reader forgets what was happening when the whole thought process started. So - if I had to give some advice, just remember that your MC serves to look from the inside out, not the outside in. Does that make sense? :p Otherwise, good story. Definitely sell-able. A great airport read! [ENDQUOTE]

Hi Duane, This story isn't quite what I usually read but it's cute. Has a nice flow it, and reminds me a bit of the "Oxford Murders". I like your story and want to stick with it, but I feel the 1st person MC needs a bit LESS of a voice. For example, you get lost in the thought process of your own MC and it takes away from the story, making it flow a little slower and the reader forgets what was happening when the whole thought process started. So - if I had to give some advice, just remember that your MC serves to look from the inside out, not the outside in. Does that make sense? :p Otherwise, good story. Definitely sell-able. A great airport read!

Hi Emily! I do hope you read the whole thing. I'm really looking forward to opinions about the solution to the murder! Thanks! [QUOTE] Well I wanted to know what happened to Felipe immediately after reading the pitch. I've never been to Majorca, but you mkae ti sound lovely.. And I know lots of Germans, so the characterisation of them is interesting. I noticed one typo: I'm haven't had anything to drink yet. Otherwise, brilliant characterisation.. I love Hugo! I'll look forward to reading more when time permits and will shelve in the meantime. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz) [ENDQUOTE]

Well I wanted to know what happened to Felipe immediately after reading the pitch. I've never been to Majorca, but you mkae ti sound lovely.. And I know lots of Germans, so the characterisation of them is interesting. I noticed one typo: I'm haven't had anything to drink yet. Otherwise, brilliant characterisation.. I love Hugo! I'll look forward to reading more when time permits and will shelve in the meantime. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

oohhh i love agatha christie!!! howcomei never noticed this book before? i'm definitely going to read it.

A very enjoyable tale told here. I agree that there's a bit too much 'telling' going on, but that is easily fixed. The solution is well written with the Friday night quiz an excellent idea well executed. Good luck. Katherine (Strata)

Hi Katherine! Thanks so much! I hope you will continue to read... I'm anxious to get some feedback on "my" solution to the case! [QUOTE] Hi Duane, Eloquent character description and that of the environs. I also liked the narrator voice, his bravado. The German mixes are interesting and the dialogue that springs from the ethnicities and languages. You brought the issue with Felipe in fairly soon. I could feel the energy underneath that; it seems to present a challenge with everyone watching him so soon. And humor too. Looks like a good read. Happy to shelve - Katherine (House of Leaves, The Swan Bonnet) [ENDQUOTE]

Hi Duane, Eloquent character description and that of the environs. I also liked the narrator voice, his bravado. The German mixes are interesting and the dialogue that springs from the ethnicities and languages. You brought the issue with Felipe in fairly soon. I could feel the energy underneath that; it seems to present a challenge with everyone watching him so soon. And humor too. Looks like a good read. Happy to shelve - Katherine (House of Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Duane! I agree with most of the comments on you first chapter. Nevertheless, the characters are great - they ring true -, the story is engaging. I really like your solution to the murder! your use of the Friday Night Pub Quiz as a platform is inspired! Sort of modern, up-to-date Agatha Christie!

Hi Fred! thanks for your comments and your backing! Yes, I'm aware that the first two pages could be better. I am going over things in my mind at this point. I hope you continue reading: I need to know if the story - the murder and its solution - works! Cheers, Duane [QUOTE] This is a great story - quite a departure from your historical stuff. I enjoyed reading it very much. I think the first chapter needs a bit of re-working because it is all 'tell'. A bit more 'show' would draw the reader into the tale better. Backed, Fred [ENDQUOTE]

This is a great story - quite a departure from your historical stuff. I enjoyed reading it very much. I think the first chapter needs a bit of re-working because it is all 'tell'. A bit more 'show' would draw the reader into the tale better. Backed, Fred

Thanks for the read, Su Dan! I am eager to hear more once you get to the meat of the story. I WILL take a look at Seasons... (on my watch list now)

you give us plenty of information and details to make this book work... good build up, to, and of course basic narrative is very effective- on my watchlist... read SEASONS...

Hi Al, thanks for your comments and criticism. I am very pleased that the story opens well. I wil indeed go over chapter one again in detail! Thanks again! Duane

I read your first chapter. General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Clever wit. Not much tension in the first chapter. Slow pacing. Specific comments on the first chapter: 1) Your first six paragraphs read like a non-fiction travel guide. I would have preferred this information was trickled into scenes when it was relevant. 2) ' ... located about 25 kilometer southwest ...' Spell out numbers 1-99. There is another case when you should spell out the number. 3) ' ... and they seem determined to represent thie region in thie best possible way.' 'Thie' should be 'the.' 4) 'I learned very quickly that learning to eat ... ' Two 'learn' words in one sentence is one too many. Consider finding a substitute word for one of them. 5) Capitalize 'internet.' 6) 'I appear promptly for the pub's opening at eleven am.' 'Eleven am' should be 'eleven a.m.' 7) ' ... order a coffee, glance through a few newspapers and set up my laptop.' I would like more detail on the coffee. What a person drinks speaks to who they are. Is the coffee local or imported? Is it expresso? Latte? Mocha? What about the newspapers? The Financial Times? Die Zeitung? The newspapers a character reads tells something about them. Also, what stories attract this character? Local news? International politics? Sports? Which sports? 8) 'I often despair, however, of his apparent belief that the CIA is ...' is immediately followed by 'I have often told him ...' Using 'often' in two successive sentences is excessive. Consider using a different word for one of the 'oftens.' 9) ' ... and often has some god tips.' 'God' should be 'good.' Also, you use 'often' in this sentence and again in the following sentence. Consider searching your manuscript for 'often' and, if you are using the word too frequently, use some substitute words. 10) 'Britons appreciate my friendliness and general appreciation for British culture.' Consider finding an alternative word for one of the 'appreciate' words in this sentence. I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire." Have a splendid day. Al

on my shelf - good luck!