You have a gripping writing style. I love the parallelism used with "second after second..." and the use of fragments for emphasis. This is tightly written, and it's obvious you are talented. The way you open this with him fleeing his younger brother's dead body is also effective. The pain is evident, and the situation makes him immediately sympathetic. You express his sadness well through words, always treating death like a delicate subject. The anger was a nice touch, too. Very believable. The "angel" hooked me though. The second he heard the voice I was intrigued. It made me wonder if this was a common occurrence in the world you've built, or if it's only Lloyd who hears the angel. Then when he's in the "train station"... hmm... curious... I want to know who this "woman" is. Good job creating a bit of mystery. The bickering between Adolede and Lloyd was perfect. It did a good job of building both characters and showing their relationship. I'm impressed with how well-edited and polished this is. Your narrative flows smoothly and without error or verbose descriptions. This is very well done. Suggestions: The wording, "it may as well have been for how warm it was outside" is misleading. It makes it sound like it's extremely warm outside, but you're implying the opposite. What you want is, "it may as well have been for how cold it was outside." You use "sniff" too closely together. I'd mix up your word choice. You did a wonderful job giving us Lloyd's internal thoughts as he fled his home, but I feel like you held back as he contemplates killing himself. I think it would benefit your readers and be more realistic if you showed us what's going through his mind seconds before he jumps. I don't feel "Lloyd wondered out loud" is necessary. It can be assumed. Either I missed something or there was a name change, but who is "Alaric?" My main suggestion is to find a way to shorten the opening chapter. There are so many different fantastical elements thrown at the reader in such a short span that it became quite difficult to take in once we met the tentacle/creature/dog thing. It might be more effective to spread these fantasy elements out. For example, you might end chapter one with the discovery of Adolede as she steps out from the dark. Just a thought. Typos: "Sweatshirt" is one word. "High-pitched" should be hyphenated since it is two words serving as one adjective. Same with "nineteen-year-old" since it's serving as an adjective. Otherwise, great job with editing! What an intriguing opening chapter! You've created an fascinating fantasy unlike any I've read. Great start!

This is just crazy enough for me to love it :) It reminds me of L. Frank Baum's Wizard of Oz series. I like your imagination. You have an excellent narrative hook and you've created an interesting world with interesting, likeable people. Very entertaining and I can't wait to read more and I intend to when I get the time. Until then, highly rated! I just have a few questions/suggestions. 1. In the paragraph that begins, "The light slowly increased as they climbed..." Who's Alaric? That confused me a little. But in all honesty, that isn't always hard to do ;) 2. "Alright," Lloyd said, not in the mood to refuse food; when Hera had brought in the meat, his stomach had reminded him that he had not eaten since before he went to sleep on the night the Caden had died." typo :) should be 'the night that Caden had died.' 3. Lloyd seems really accepting of all this magic stuff. I myself would be more shocked, so I was just wondering about that. 4. And you might want to add his reaction to the people that wanted to touch him and Adolede. It would make me feel a little uncomfortable. 5.I don't know if you're a Star Wars fan, but Endor is the land of the Ewoks. I don't know if it's copyrighted or whatever to George Lucas, or even if the name of a fictional world would be considered copyright-able, but you may want to check into that, just incase. 6. And now that I know Lloyd is 19, I'm wondering why didn't he just take his little brother to the doctor... but I assume you will reveal this in a later chapter. Can't wait to find out the back story. That part about Caden dying made me sad and I wanted to go pick up my baby and snuggle him. All that said, it's just advice, so take what you want and leave the rest. I hope it's helpful. You've got a good story here and I wish you the best of luck with it. I hope to get back to it soon. All the best, Trista Herring-Baughman The Magic Telescope and other stories

What a facinating book you have here so far!! A riveting peice of fantasy that compels me to keep reading. Well written and backed for sure. Skater