Hi Amie Love your pitch, but the cover not so much. It doesn't really say anything about the story, so I don't think I'd have read it based on the cover alone. Having said that, this is clearly a case of making the wrong judgement based on a cover. Really good prologue. There is some slight repetition of words in it, but otherwise I like it. It sets the story up well and I’m intrigued to find out more about this as the book I’m currently writing goes along similar lines to this. You have some filter words sprinkled throughout this which could be eliminated to make the reader feel closer to the story. For example, in chapter 2 ‘I could hear the cars driving by on the motorway’ – if you took out the ‘could’ and just said ‘I heard’, that makes me feel like I’m there in the moment as opposed to listening to someone telling me what’s going on. Otherwise, I really liked the chapter. The chance meeting, knight in shining armour thing could have been exceptionally cheesy, but I like that we didn’t get to know his name. So far I’m liking this a lot. Your writing is good. In chapter 3, the POV seems to shift from first to third person,. Generally, although I’m getting into the story, I’m finding some of it quite clumpy to read e.g. I had, did not – instead of I’d or I didn’t. IT’s a matter of personal preference I think, but for me it felt clunky. I think some sentences could be slicker and you have some typos (e.g. then/than) but this is something that can be picked up with a thorough edit. Really liked this chapter. It’s so familiar for me being set in London and Sophie’s verbal vomit made me laugh. Also liked that they met on the tube – same as my two! Loving the intro to Ben – he’s exactly as you describe, charming, and sweeps her off his feet. I’m thinking that he’s about to turn sour and I can’t wait to see how you handle this. Chapter 4, I’d really have liked to see more detail in places. It felt a little sketched over in the restaurant and where Sophie talked about what the waiter was holding, I wanted to know more about Ben instead. What did she notice about him? For me, I’d have liked more description around everything – Covent Garden was sort of busy – felt a bit light to me. The pace of the story is very quick and I noticed it’s complete but only at 60k words. I’m really enjoying the story but it’s more of a novella with this word count and I’d love to have more detail, which would in turn push the word count up and turn this into a fully fledged novel. Also, the bit where he punched the wall? This man is clearly a psycho! Which I knew would happen, but Sophie’s reaction seemed a bit...unrealistic for me. If it were me I’d be thinking, what a complete bell end and I’d tell him to leave. After all she doesn’t know the guy from Adam really, so I’d have liked to have seen a stronger reaction there. Chapter 5, he’s really showing his colours. The broken mug, again I’d like to have a stronger reaction. I’m not sure if domestic violence is something you know about on a personal level, or have researched? I know what it’s like and the first few instances are usually always fought back, followed by repentance until the abusee just starts to get used to it. I have a lot of research info I found from my research for the book I’m currently working on which was really useful – a lot of testimonials I found from the web. I can forward them to you if you like, or you can have a look online. At the moment I’m not really feeling much sympathy for Sophie because I can’t help but feel that she should be fighting back. Him mending the mug was a nice touch though but again this feels really rushed and I wanted it to slow down a bit so I could really feel what was happening. Also, I’d like to have description about the characters. At the moment I only really know what Ben looks like, what about Sophie and her friends? Chapter 6, wow. This is really scary lol. It’s so much like my storyline it’s nuts. I’m really enjoying this read. The parallel with the mum is really interesting because again, I have this in mine. It’s a nice touch, especially when Sophie thinks she’s so different to her mum and the situation they’re both in. When Sophie says she doesn’t understand what could make a woman so weak, I wanted to shout ‘but so are you!!’. Knowing that she looks at her mum this way, I really, really want her to fight back a little bit with Ben. The introduction of Jess- how old is she? Actually, how old is Sophie? I liked the intro of Michael – he seems oddly familiar. Nice way to bring him back. Chapter 11 – again, more detail please! He headbutts Jamie in the station – surely that would get a massive reaction from people straight away? Likewise when he leaves her on the street? Chapter 12 – I wanted to know more about Michael. She’s had dinner with him, what were her feelings at the time? Where did they go? What was he like? Was she thinking about Ben? Etc etc etc. Erm, I’m confused on the chapters now, but I’d really like some more dialogue - the old show not tell. When Ben tells her about cheating, I want to hear him say it. Then I want to know what she says back and how it makes her feel. I really want to feel like I’m in the story as opposed to listening to it. I really liked the way you relayed the coffee incident – it had a huge impact in delivering the story in this way. Chapter 15 – I was confused in the leap from Sophie getting the call and then being on scene? And who is Rachel? In Chapter 18 – I think you reference Jamie as Alex somewhere, which confused me a bit. I’m also a bit confused as the chapter starts with Sophie in the hospital but then it doesn’t go back? What happened? Chapter 23 – oh my actual goodness. That is awful! I think it’s even worse than him hitting her! Poor girl! Chapter 24 – her hair is in a ponytail – I thought it had been cut off? I haven’t so far had the impression that Sophie and Ben had been together for years. Maybe because of the quick pace of the book but it feels like they’re still within a year or two of being together? The description of Michael’s books – I’m not sure why you didn’t just say Lord of The Rings? Surely she must have heard of it? Also, not sure why it’s underlined? Chapter 29 when she’s talking about what her dad does when he’s alone in the house – she wouldn’t know this would she? You have a few POV slips throughout, this one is an example – as it’s first person, she wouldn’t know unless she had been told. Again, she wouldn’t have known about Michael going into his office since it’s first person, not third. The conversation between her parent’s felt a bit staged, like you were purposely putting it there to fill in the gaps and tell us how rosy everything had been lately, as opposed to weaving it into the story. So I read everything posted and I really, really liked the story. I would say that it’s in need of a really thorough edit to get rid of typos, formatting issues and to make it more slicker in general, and like I said earlier, it felt a bit too quick and rushed in places. If you’re still working on this, I’d love to see any future edits you make. I’m so sorry it took so long to come back to you! Silva x

Amie, Great, tough start to your novel - although, as it's a Prologue, why not set it in the present and let the reader really live the experience?. At the moment we know that Sophie survives the attack. If it's more immediate we'd be wondering if she's going to come through the horror. Reading on this is well written and engaging. Like others I've given you top stars and will get round to backing 'Sugar-Coated' when I've fulfilled my other shelf space obligations! Good luck. Gefordson Nothing you can do.

I can't outtop the comments from kiwigirl. What an opening! I hope their is a happy ending in all this. Great start and backed. Kirk

Amie, I can only agree with the comment directly below - that's an amazing, harrowing way to start a novel - one of the strongest I've come across on this site, and is sure to grab the attention of any prospective agent or publisher. The short, sharp sentences are really effective, dragging the reader into the story, and you can't help but feel deep sympathy and compassion for Sophie, and want to know what's going to happen to her next - or what pushed her into trying to take her own life. Whichever it is, starting at the end and working back is a surefire hook. Chapter 1 proper - a dream sequence? Is the caring compassionate stranger - the ideal - set up against the emerging figure of Ben in the next chapters? If so, cleverly done. (one minor point - 'strangers voice should be stranger's voice) . I like your short pitch, but I think you might want to add a little bit to the longer pitch about 'Ben's news' - maybe Ben's violent actions - (without giving too much away) of course. That said, a really powerful opening, wonderfully well-written. Happy to give you my backing Neil 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Wow. What an opening! It’s very raw and I imagine to some, painful to read. A couple of little things I noticed: It was a relief when the doors opened and the scarf became looser around her neck – should be ‘my’ neck. ‘Favourite flowers are pink lilies – specifically the pink ones’ did you mean to say pink twice? Wasn’t sure if it was a slip or a joke sorry ‘I spent the entire preoccupied by him’ – word missing (evening or night, something like that) ‘My heart melted and twisted, melted and twisted torn between’ – unnecessary word repetition Apart from that very well written. Chapter one – she’s on the bridge and meets the strange guy. Who is he? Chapter three and four she meets Ben. I’m just a little confused as to how that first chapter fits in but I’m sure it will become more clear as I read on. He shows his true colours pretty quickly (punching the wall in her office after she says “But” when thanking him for the flowers.) Surely this would be more of a red flag to her, to any girl in real life. I just think it might be a little early to show that side if we’re to believe she gets into a relationship with him after that. Really lull her in with the romantic stuff first. You have the bones of a fantastic story here, it just needs a little fleshing out and editing. Good on you for writing about two such taboo subjects (suicide and abuse). Have given you five stars for now Amie and kept you on my WL to read more when I have the time :-) Tammy

Hi Amie, This is a heart wrenching story. I like the way you build it up from the first chapter, while giving us the prologue to know how it could all possibly end. The writing flows effortlessly, it makes for an immersing read. I'm not one for reading about domestic violence, so I'm stopping at chapter five. You have certainly got your point across to me though about how easily women can get trapped in these relationships. Nothing is ever easy, and those that think getting out of these relationships is as easy as walking out the door are wrong. I'm certain this will do well on here. Best wishes to you in your road to publication. I'm starring this, and if you ever get near the desk and want a boost, just let me know and I'll give you some shelf time, Cheers Jacoba

Amie, You have a wonderfully written book! The storyline is interesting, the writing style is creative, and overall it is enough to pique anyone's attention. I believe you will make it to the editor's desk for sure, probably soon! Best wishes on your literary journey! Zachary Wall- Dreamer