Hi Jules: I just finished chapter 3 and must say I'm hooked! Death is ten feet away 5 ft....and the owl. Little subtle hints, but so tastefully done. The suspense is cleverly spaced, I wanted to get to the death. This is a great thriller and plan on coming back to read more! High stars! MC Exposed

Jules, Your story line is interesting and the setting is good. Your characters are unique and well thought-out. You have very good descriptive writing that sets a scene well. I would caution you regarding dialogue and keeping each character's vocabulary and speech pattern true to that character's background and personality. As writers, we mustn't let our own natural conversation creep into our character's. The period, nation of origin and current residence would influence their vocabulary, grammar and sentence structure. With that in mind you might re-read and re-word some of the dialogue. Personally, I read dialogue aloud (complete with differing voices and accents - yeah, sounds lika a party even when I'm alone!) and treat it like a play. The more I can get into the character; the more true to that character I can be. This is a promising who-dun-it with plenty of potential as far as perpetrators and success. I won't touch grammar or punctuation since you are currrently doing the editing and a rewrite. Thanks for an enjoyable 5 chapter read. Nadina

Hi, I've only read the first chapter so far but loved it and will definitely be reading more. Well done. Great atmosphere T A Wheller

Hi, I have only read the first chapter so far but found it intriguing and well worth backing. Will be reading more. T A Mehrtens

Jules, I can see the comments below and also see the talking points you have started. Thats a good thing. I think you have a talent to tell a story and are very good with this genre. Descriptions are off the scale and very detailed indeed. I can actually see this doing very well. I wish you luck. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Claw review- The color of Red #1 ch1-4 Short Pitch- good hook- Dare to read what is Red- sparks my interest. Long Pitch- good short synopsis of the story, leaving the reader wanting to know more. Plot- Frankly I started out wanting to critique the story, but was drawn in to the story and truly entertained. Again the plot is well driven. Your character development is good, the reader wants to understand more. You provide the right amount of conflict and suspense to move the story along. The descriptions of the settings and characters were spot on. I can't find much to critique, and will come back to read further. Good Thriller and mystery- High rating- Mark Stone.

You've been CLAWED!lol Images! Images! You have a gift for bringing your images to life. From the opening I could so easily see vividly the house, the man, and the flashbacks. The feeling of the unknown death was eerie and made my skin crawl. It was like watching an old black and white scary movie, where you can see the outline of something yet nothing is there to really see. The poor man's life seems so tragic, the reader is sort of drawn to him. Not a visible flaw. Suspenseful and page turning. I started the second chapter and liked it but can't say too much since I only read a little. I wish I could read more today but I can't. Be back soon. Toni [Cavern of Time]

CLAW review. Hi WIR, I read the opening 4 chapters. I find this reminescent of great British mystery writers such as Christie or Conan Doyle, both in tone and characterization. I'll declare my personal bias at the outset: I'm not a big fan of omniscient narration. Having said that, this tale unfolds nicely on its own terms. I saw some very minor edits that may strike a chord. if not, pls ignore. as ever, take what works and toss the rest. ;) -two floors below his feet- maybe just -two floors below- -no one was there only the ...- maybe use comma or dash: -no one was there, only the ...- --causing the man-- maybe --causing him-- the more formal ''the man" tends to distance a reader from the action. --its light appeared to dim- ?maybe -too dim-- or "its light dimmed." --he thought he no longer recognized himself-- the reader might not need this. it is apparent from the previous sentences. on a macro narative arc note, the 'countdown' to death might be a little overdone. 20 ft, 10 ft, 5, 4, 3 etc. maybe leave out a few markers? --wheels huffed and puffed-- strictly speaking, wheels don't huff. maybe --the engine huffed ...-- --important looking briefcase-- maybe hyphenate the adj --important-looking-- --While unbutttoning his coat ...-- does the reader need this detail? --Rouge tapped his fingers on the table-- maybe --R's fingers tapped the table-- --contemplating about-- maybe just --contemplating-- --while the some woman-- --while some women-- ? I like the 'red' theme: rouge, redden, rose, scarlette. well done. best wishes, andy

Club Agatha Critique - "The Color of Red #1" Hi Jules, I was anxious to read your chapters since I am writing in the same genre. I went straight to your book from Club Agatha and read four chapters. I did not see your profile and the fact you are rewriting until after I read. So I will not go into nit-pics or sentence structure. I like your opening and your detective. You describe him well and he has a bit of mystery about him. I felt the doctor was a bit strange in his demeanor and the language he used. In part, he did not come across as an educated man with his flippant remarks - "you don't want to piss him off." I get that he is a wanna be but he has practiced medicine for thirty years and has been to formal receptions before. Anyway, I like your descriptions of the characters and the tension between the detective and the doctor. You let us know the doctor is not all he seems to be and the shady character he hangs around with. All in all, I like your set up and the plot you are laying out. Good luck with this and your rewrite. Stars and watch list. Sneaky Long

This is very good! I started to read as I always do when doing a 'review' for this site, waiting to see what my first impression would be (because this is how a new reader will judge all our work) and wham, I was hooked. Immediately and fully. Quite brilliantly executed. I loved the steps to death. So many feet etc. Very clever touch. On my watch-list for shuffle in a week (just changed them) and highly starred. Andrea The de Amerley Affair

This is very good! I started to read as I always do when doing a 'review' for this site, waiting to see what my first impression would be (because this is how a new reader will judge all our work) and wham, I was hooked. Immediately and fully. Quite brilliantly executed. I loved the steps to death. So many feet etc. Very clever touch. On my watch-list for shuffle in a week (just changed them) and highly starred. Andrea The de Amerley Affair

Dear Jules, Wow! So young and so full of stories! I also looked at your paintings and I am thrilled by your art. My fav are Ant Hill and Bookkeeper. Back to your story. I find you are painter either with words. You created a wondeful mystery and it is hard to believe it is your first draft. Thank you for sharing your work! 6 stars from us! PS: Great cover :)

Hi, I have just read up to the end of chapter 3. I am really enjoying it. The writing flows well, the descriptions are great. I particuarlly love chapter 2 when death is 4 steps closer then 3..... really fab, made the hairs on my arms raise. very atmospheric. A little editing is needed. mind you mine is worse i think. Couple of things take them or leave them... Chapter 2 - this man (i felt the man works better) Also felt Inspector should be with capital I, also in chapter 3 - The madam... doesnt work for me either madam Scarlett or madam, Other than these trivial things, its a great read. will carry on later tonight. If you have time please give mine a look over. neither are murders Off the Rails is the one i really want moving upwards right now, so any pointers i will take on board. many thanks Kate - off the rails

Agatha Club: I can see just what the writer intends in the telling of the story, but as before, it is the syntax that leaves me with the odd feeling that I am reading the reflection of the story in a mirror. Each sentence is strangely constructed and that breaks the flow of the writing for me, so that the style constantly intrudes. I have dipped into each of the writer's works and I realise that this is his style. I hate to be less than positive, but it was the writing rather than the story that left me feeling uneasy. I feel I may be a lone voice here. I remember that the writer found my own work difficult to even remember, let alone enjoy, so it may just be that we are both missing the point. But, I'd rather be honest in my comments, and while there is much to praise, I was left a little dazed and confused.

Club Agatha Chapter Two I read Chapters 2 & 3 The cahptes were good. I thought it was too much description in the beginning with the discussion of the victim walking down the hallway. It was kind of confusing. Other than than you set this mystery up very well, very "Clue" like with everyone who was at the party and a little background. I saw the camara going to a flashback showing each guest as the good docter told of the party attendees. Very good. The last conversation between Lancer and the doctor was intriguing but a little confusing, too. No one was killed with a knife (so far) so this killing again does not compute. I think that the pitch is misleading when it says "a boy." Although, it doesn't say how old he is (although his father appears to be very old), he is old enough to get married. I do think that Inspector Rouge already has an idea of what happened. I love a good detective. Good job. Abby

Club Agatha Round two. I have read chapters one and two, as we passed like ships in the night before in round one. To see in only red or black and white may well be a curse or a gift, but not one I would accociate with a detective? But this is the world of strange imaginings and I will suspend incredibility and look into your story with reason and curiosity. I do not comment on your use of English or Grammar but will confine myself to readability and its publish-ability. What I found were quite a few plot holes and a great deal of telling of the situations and the emotions of your protagonists. I would much rather have experienced the feelings of the dark corridors and empty rooms as the victim went to his fate and meeting with the murderer. I liked the post-war setting, but the attitudes and voice would be very different from modem day parlance and the use of 'Piss off someone jangled with me somewhat as did the actual murder. Moreover, I believe that if a gun is held at the head, the bullet will-blow half the head off and everything would be splattered in gore and blood, including the murderer. Therefore, I feel that there are quite a few plot holes that threw me out of your story. Whilst I liked the scene setting detail, some of them did not ring true. Why would there be dead flowers in the vase if he did not value such things? Perhaps the choice of Rouge for a name for your main protagonist carries the red theme a little two far, and I very much doubt that a colour blind man would never find a position in the police force, even in the 1940 's? In chapter 2/3. We come to the meeting in the pub, here you introduce various people who will be red herrings or have a motive for murder. I found this exposition very long, and the introduction of direct dialogue quite confusing. and you certainly need a break between Rouge leaving the scene and the meeting between Lancer and Redden. However, I liked the hook at the end where Lancer is shown to be a killer if not the murderer? Having looked at my notes and comments I see now that I am treading a different path from my other reviewers, and this reads a quite a negative critique, and for that I must apologise and trust you will treat it in the way it is intended, to be helpful and constructive. For in essence this is a very well crafted murder mystery in the best traditions of the genre. If you wish to adopt the telling mode of the story lines perhaps it could be read as a report, but I rather fear that this will not sustain the reader for long. All the very best with it, Ray jones,(MIB)

Jules, this is an amazing read and I really like the story that you have here. You have brilliant description skills and you catch the reader's attention immediately. You start out with a powerful and thrilling beginning and your detailing skills makes it all the more better. I'm a little surprised that this book has not rose through the ranks quicker than it has been. You definitely deserve the editor's desk. Chills are sent down the reader's body when they see this beginning. You worked really hard on this book. High stars! S.C. Second Shadow / Whitechapel

Club Agatha Round two: I have nothing to say after reading this, other than it is going to go up on my bookshelf! You have done an amazing job! I love this story, you display the characters so well! I'm humbled in your presence! Well done! 6 stars!

Club Agatha-Second round; I still love this, and went ahead and read chapter one again... Your intro is wonderful, full of intrigue and suspence as death "inches closer" unseen! I note a few minor things you might want to consider... Chapter One: 2nd Para: The first line didn't make sense to me... (might be me... usually is LOL) 4th Para: Should read "Above the flowers 'hung'.... " 5th Para: I think you should drop the word "stepping" in the last line; the line before has him noticing by the creak of the door he has stepped in... Some paragraphs are indented, some not... no biggie, certainly didn't interrupt my enjoyment one bit! I'll move on to Chapter two...

Club Agatha Critique. This reads like a typical Agatha Christie mystery. I've read two chapters and I love the way you have set up the whole scene. You have described the partygoers beautifully and obviously they immediately become suspects. I also like the way that you keep reminding us of the colour of red by mentioning all different shades of the bright colour...Rouge, Redden, burgundy, maroon and so on. I want to read more.

So sorry, for some reason i forgot to mention that i thought the argument between the nephew and Rose, the dialog, and the way you write it from the uncles point of view was really well done. it wanted to affect me and did, as i could really see them through the crack as if i was Dr Redden.

Club Agatha Steady, strong and clever. your writing is like your MC. I like his style and honesty. Your descriptions of the people at the party are wonderfully written and i can see the detective getting to meet them all which will be a pleasure to read. "Soon my friend, we will kill again." Great line for the end of a chapter. His brother was shot though, so it he wasn't talking about that kill. Another mystery. Mr Lancer sounds intriguing, and dangerous. Strong Chapter, Emma

Hi Jules, I read chapter 7. You have an excellent descriptive skill, I get an impression you enjoy murder mysteries and enjoyed writing this a great deal. The characters are very interesting and you create an air of suspense describing the events. The dialogue was very good ,and I felt like I was watching a tv drama. Well done. Kindest Regards and Best Wishes Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock. I would appreciate a return read if you are able to find time. Thanks.

Club agatha critique: chapter two: I found myself even more enthralled in chapter two. I like your writing, and the character interaction was very enjoyable. I would however, say that I found when she struck the boy a little unbelievable. Maybe make a dialogue tag of her yelling, and maybe take out 'reached out' - you could replace that for something like 'her hand thrashed out'? Just a suggestion. But nonetheless, this chapter was very enjoyable. Alex

Club Agatha Critique; What a splendid mystery and fabulous characters. The intrigue you built in the first chapter counting off the feet to his death was brilliant to building suspense. The flow from scene to scene leads the reader through twists and turns not anticipated. The twist at the end of Chapter two that the brother that hired the detective is one of the bad guys was unexpected and a good catch to lead the reader to turn the page. Well penned!

Agatha Review I am on here in the hope I get honest feedback. Because I value this, I give my reviews in the same way. I hope you can appreciate that and view the following as such. Overall I felt the gloom and threat and the atmosphere building nicely. Your style reminds me of Agatha Christie's Poirot. In fact, it would make a good script for a TV drama of this type. I love the way you have death coming closer by the measurement of feet. But, as I said above, I want to be helpful so you can improve on what you have done. I have given examples, and why I think they need looking at more closely. 1st Para: 'An owl screeched outside of a window, a gloomy reminder that Death was nearby.' Why would an owl screeching indicate that death was nearby? At first, I thought there were two people moving down the corridor. Is this the impression you wanted to give? If so, it perhaps doesn't fit with the fact that the murderer came into the study through a secret panel. 4th Para 'Next to the burning candle, an ornamental vase filled with dead flowers sat.' This is an example of several sentences that are badly constructed. Maybe this should this read: - 'Next to the burning candle sat an ornamental vase filled with dead flowers.' 5th Para 'Darkness greeted him beckoning him to enter. 'Does darkness beckon? It is apt to repel most people. 'The recognizable creak of the closing door made the man realize he had stepped into his study.' As he used the key for the study, wouldn't he already know where he was? 6th Para 'From the window a full moon shone brightly behind the clouds bathing the room in a soft pale glow.' You have contradicted yourself about the room being dark. 8th Para 'Looking down, the man sighed as he noticed his scuffed shoes.' Would you be able to see scuffs on shoes in what is being portrayed as either darkness or very poor light? 9th Para 'An untrimmed beard grew on his wrinkle dominated face, a mark left by the harsh world.' Mark would indicate just one wrinkle - should it be marks? 10th Para 'If age did not catch you, Death surely would.' I am not sure this makes sense. It is the same thing really. The Letter 'Dear Inspector, My dearest apologies for summoning you at short notice, but a depressing matter has befallen my family. I was recommended by a friend to contact you as, I have heard, you are good at solving a mystery. My brother was murdered yesterday, shot from behind in the head. Since his body was not found until the early morning, I suspect the murder happened near the end of the party the night before.' I think the dearest is too personal for a letter of this type - maybe replace with 'earnest'. Big assumption by the writer about when he thought the murder took place just because it was found in the morning. Maybe this is a clue; otherwise, I think it needs amending. Quick Fire 'others' You can't be 'slightly average' - you are either average or you are not. Observing the R on the briefcase appears unnecessary - if it is a clue, then leave, otherwise remove all such extras. 'treaded' across the room should be 'trod' You use 'popped' too often - try replacing one or two. Quaint means 'Charmingly odd, especially in an old-fashioned way'. Your use of it to describe the town is at odds with the gloomy picture you paint. An overall observation, and assumption, if you like, is that you have tried to use more complicated and varied words and mechanisms for effect, but that they don't come naturally to your style. Write from the heart and, as many writers would advise, as though you are speaking to someone. Your writing will then be natural, flow a lot better and be less contrived. I hope these observations have been useful. Good luck Alice

Club Agatha ch2- Jules, I really am enjoying the development of your characters and plot. It's nice to see that everyone is becoming a suspect and they're not what they are trying to convey to Rouge. But the clever Inspector Rouge's unique view isn't missing a trick. Very well written once again, the last line is quite chilling and is a great hook. Can't wait to read on. Gilly

Hi! Club Agatha Critique Reading the first chapter of your book was a truly mysterious experience: I was enthralled by the mystery and subtle action you have woven into this so far. I was also dazzled by the word you have created so far. Your writing is extraordinary, and the words you have chosen are very well thought out and put in. I was truly taken in by the world and the narration you used so far. The imagery as well is commendable, and I really enjoyed it. I will be reading further! Alex

Hi Club Agatha Crit. Chapter 2 is an intriguing beginning to your story. This is full of promise of mysteries yet to unfold. It collars the reader from the first sentence. There are some editing nits that need attention... '....shivered in his shoes....' I would suggest that you could say what you mean here. This does not create a visual clue as to his state. '....his elderly eyes appeared....' Seems that his eyes are not part of his body the way it is written. '....a room emerged....' Suggest the room emerged as if you say a room emerged it's not the same room but somewhere else. I have only listed a few of the nits here. All the best with this. Olga

Club Agatha Critique I liked the way you used distance to illustrate how close death was and then counted down. I would have liked the character to see the attacker rather than just be shot from behind. Just so we could have a small hint as to who it may have been. When he reaches for his keys it may have made more sense to to write 'he cursed his old age as he reached for the keys before opening the door'. As bending down to pick something small up would be hander than just turning a key. Overall a really good first chapter. The tension builds well and leaves you with questions.

Club Agatha The opening creates an immediate sense of foreboding. There follows some excellent descriptive narrative. I like the four feet and three feet from death. I would have liked this to be continued as a device to add to the suspence in the way that a ticking clock works, although not doing so, took nothing away from the story. Good hook at the end for the reader to turn the page. I am assuming that your book is to be targeted at the US market and not the UK market in view of a small number of American words usage, that would seem out of place to the British.

Club Agatha critique I love the first chapter of this! The way you personified Death was chilling and expertly written. You built up suspense as the chapter progressed and there is a real depth to the story already. Your language flows so well that I was swept along and I found it truly absorbing. This is just the sort of story I would happily pay to read so it easily warrants a place on my shelf. Excellent. Stephen Hilling Chasing Shadows

Club Agatha I love the opening couple of pages, very taught and brings out the mystery in a very succinct way. Is there irony with the Inspectors name? Looking forward to Chap 2 Phil

Interesting start. Can't imagine how he figured out the wine type...???????????

Club Agatha Critique The opening paragraphs introduce an antique, chilling atmosphere. Many questions are introduced that create a mystery, as someone else noted, very reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe. The vintage atmosphere continues as the Inspector is introduced. The descriptions are very rich but I found the dialogue a little stilted. I also questioned the possibility of the Inspector's name reflecting his colour-blindness unless the name is not his actual family name but one he chose for himself. Perhaps this is explained in a later chapter. This is a very good beginning and promises an interesting read. Valerie

Club Agatha Critique "The Color of Red" has the potential to be a good novel; however I am afraid I do have a few issues with this chapter. The good news is that I think that they are all points that can be easily fixed. In the opening section, many of the sentences are the same length; this starts to get a little monotonous after a while, and makes it a tedious read. It would be much easier to read if you varied the length of the sentences a little. In this section, the question that I had to ask myself was: why does Redden need a candle? Is this set in the distant past, before electricity? Is there a power cut? I realise from your pitch that the novel is set in 1940: but, at that time in England, all but the most isolated of houses would have electric light. To blunder around in the semi-dark seems a bit silly, unless there is a good reason for it. If there is, then the reader needs to be given a hint of what that reason is, at least. There is a line: "Behind him, a sudden noise echoed" What sort of noise? A bang? A shriek? A cough? A creaking floorboard? If you don't tell the reader what sort of noise it is, then they cannot imagine it. Also "echoed" suggests a loud noise with reverberation, which doesn't seem right to me. A couple of technical details: in England, the police in London are always known as the "Metropolitan Police" (or "the Met" for short); they would never be called the "London Police". Also, the garment that Americans call a vest, the English call a waistcoat. In England, a vest is the garment worn under the shirt. I'm sorry if this seems a little negative, but these points can be corrected without too much trouble. Best wishes and good writing, John.

Club Agatha Critique I have finished your two chapters. I think there is an overuse of "The Master" in the first segment that could be fixed. When he is opening the door, you depict his frailty of his hand shaking, but you have him grabbing things- just seemed odd to me; grabbing is a powerful move, I don't associate it with being frail. I wonder if the first segment shouldn't be a prologue or first chapter... just a thought. The color blind inspector, how could he note the color of vests and such if all he sees is red?! That threw me off. All that aside, good descriptive writing and definately a good murder mystery in the making. Looking forward to reading more.

Jules having seen "The Maltese Falcon" with Humphrey Bogart, "China Town" and "The Two Jakes" with Jack Nicholson, and read everything by Edgar Allen Poe and James Lee Burke, I must say your novel is a great inclusion into their league. First and most important, compelling characters and dialogue so sharp I just cut myself on it. It's in-your-face urban realism specific to that era's violence. That's the strongest part of this novel. The lagniappe or added bonus is tightly woven worlds that are detailed well. I am highly recommending you compare your work to a master at this, Edgar award winner, James Lee Burke. Plot twists with subtle clues and transitions are flawless. You could foreshadow and kick up of the humor. The narrative more than compensates though. I'll get in more reading of your novel and go over it with a more critical eye to help you.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Club Agatha, Hi Jules. I liked the style you're going for, it's redolent with atomosphere and chill. This is key to the book and on that basis it has alot of potential. I can't really comment on the plot so much as it's only the first chapter but Iiked the slow intro, the sinister build up. Over all it had a macabre quality. Herein lies your difficulty. I've read some of the comments below and I tend to agree on the areas for improvement (but I see your dilema). The highly sylised wrting gives the narrative a certain antiquated feel to it and this is how the atmosphere is created. It's kinda Edgr Alan poe -esque. But at the same time it can get a wee bit clumsy here and there. A few mixed metaphors and inconsistent turns of phrase... e.g) ...shadow.. ghost made of smoke (don't all ghost look like they're made of smoke/ mist?) very early doors. But otherwise there were some really good and expressive sentances... once a person of great dignity , he was now an empty shell.... nice, really nails the essence of the character! It's a tough call but not somethign to be overly concerned about as it's just a case of polish and a little restraint here and there. A nip and a tuck. Not too much though or it would ruin the narrative voice, which has potential. Hope this input helps. Cheers D

Hello, I've just read your first chapter and loved the drama of it; especially the separate sentences of how far away Death is. Very atmospheric and detailed and the last line makes you want to read on to the next chapter to find out. Well written. Good luck. Katie Ridley, 'The Last Message'. x

I put your book on my watchlist. I look forward to reading it soon!

Club Agatha review: Hi. I wasn't sure if this was working properly -- is the first chapter just the one question, what happens in candlelight? I was just sort of puzzled by that. Anyway, I read chapter two and treated it as chapter one. It's a very mysterious and fantastic setting you've got, like something Edgar Allen Poe might conjure up, with the dark hallways and dead flowers curling up ready to catch fire, musty tapestries and old books. I wondered what year it was. Later there is reference to early 20th c buildings; but much of the story read as though set well before that. I like the classic sort of plot set-up: a will to be made, a nephew not wanting to marry the woman picked out for him, a party, a gun and the old man is dead and the boy has disappeared. Then the wily detective makes his appearance. Sounds like the makings of a good tale. Some word usages are strange -- light that "drapes" --strange to say that the "creek" (creak) of hinges "made the man realize he had stepped into his study." But it is a highly imaginative piece, with many unexpected and intriguing details, like the odd way the inspector is dressed. Most definitely a mystery!

Club Agatha Critique Having just read the first chapter of The Color Red I found it to be extraordinary. Fantastic start to a book by all means. Looking forward to reading more. Very interesting concept and good character developement. I appreciate how you paid attention to details in descibing the entire scenario.

Club Agatha Critique: After reading your first Chapter, I am hooked. You set your scene and pace your character with a tone of emminent doom, (3 feet from death)... One little nit pik; "had become wrinkled his appearance"... this needs to be fixed. Your plotting of the death scene is wonderful, and I will be back to read more. For now I am adding you to my wl. Good luck with it, Jacque (Upside Down)

Club Agatha review I like your title and think the concept of a detective who sees only in black, white and red is very good. Your first chapter gets down to business very nicely - it sets up the murder, the missing son and introduces your detective. As a reader I feel that you have an interesting plot. I enjoyed the old fashioned feel of the house - the candelight, secret passages etc. In the murder scene I initially thought the line 'five feet from Death' was a touch melodramatic, but then I liked the way you used that again - it might be worth making your capitalization consistent. Some of the writing worked for me and some lines didn't. Here are some notes which I hope will be of use. 'He stood paused to the spot' - this made me wonder if English is your first language. Rooted? Frozen? Although both might be cliches. 'His skin drained of color wrinkled his appearance' - I"m not sure that makes sense. 'Neither hesitant nor fearful of consequence did the finger cease its mission to squeeze the trigger' - can a finger be either fearful or hesitant? This sentence took me out of an otherwise very dramatic moment. 'He was a stranger to himself' - no idea what that means - borders on melodrama and is telling, not showing. 'entered the business of private investigator for reasons his fellow constituents would not say' - who are the constituents? That last one, leads me into the question I'd have for you about point of view. You have an omniscient narrator, quite in keeping with the style of story you are telling, but I feel that there is tendency for it to make your writing distant and possibly slightly artificial. Here's an example line: 'The Inspector's arm lowered and a shadowy head lifted allowing the morning light to drape over his face.' I'd be more drawn in if it was something like: 'The Inspector lowered his arm, lifting his head from the shadows. Morning light draped his face and he blinked (or something).' In that whole section with the Inspector and the brother, if you could have the observations come more from Rouge's pov then that would lead me into learning about his character, rather than you telling me what he is like. So for me the big strengths here are plot and setting. I suspect you have a good character too and like to see you shift more into his point of view. Best, Kate The Licenser

Thank you for the detailed critique. I like a few of your suggestions and will be looking into how I can change some sentences here and there. Sorry you found it difficult to read. [QUOTE] Agatha Club Critique: There are some good ideas at play here, but the strange inverted writing made it a nigh on impossible to read. I found it slightly disconcerting that the first 'chapter' consisted of nothing more than the title and feedback comments. Not great Authonomy protocol. But I did read on. I almost always comment on the 'feel' of a book and leave the typos and grammar to more eagle eyed readers, but the phraseology was so strikingliy odd, that I found myself stumbling over every single sentence. I contstantly felt the need to paraphrase: 'the dark figure drited in and out of the light like a ghost made of smoke...' would have enticed me further. This is my reworking of the end of the one of the opening sentences. Almost every sentence seemed to be written the wrong way round and didn't quite mean what the author wanted them to mean. Because of the genre, we 'know' what the author intends, but I dont read in this genre and the writing, although full of atmosphere, just felt wrong. All of the sentences are convoluted and disturbed throughout, but sadly, not in a good way. I wanted to take each phrase and turn it on its head so that it did mean what the writer intended. So, the writing dominated here. I found it dificult to read the story. Another example I had to re-write in my head: 'The transparent paper glowed for a moment, the room beautifully illuminated as the will was engulfed in fire.' Well, it reads better for me. So throughout this awkward read, I found myself paraphrashing constantly to make any sense of the narrative at all. The first and only chapter I read could do wiith a serious edit. That old stand-by - the read aloud. I think if the author read each word out loud, the awkwardness of the writing would soon become apparent. I write these comments simply to help the work to become what it obviously can. I hope you understand that I only have the writing at heart and there is no negativity in my comments, just the desire to get the writing right! Much to praise in the story ideas, but an extremely hard book to read. [ENDQUOTE]

Agatha Club Critique: There are some good ideas at play here, but the strange inverted writing made it a nigh on impossible to read. I found it slightly disconcerting that the first 'chapter' consisted of nothing more than the title and feedback comments. Not great Authonomy protocol. But I did read on. I almost always comment on the 'feel' of a book and leave the typos and grammar to more eagle eyed readers, but the phraseology was so strikingliy odd, that I found myself stumbling over every single sentence. I contstantly felt the need to paraphrase: 'the dark figure drited in and out of the light like a ghost made of smoke...' would have enticed me further. This is my reworking of the end of the one of the opening sentences. Almost every sentence seemed to be written the wrong way round and didn't quite mean what the author wanted them to mean. Because of the genre, we 'know' what the author intends, but I dont read in this genre and the writing, although full of atmosphere, just felt wrong. All of the sentences are convoluted and disturbed throughout, but sadly, not in a good way. I wanted to take each phrase and turn it on its head so that it did mean what the writer intended. So, the writing dominated here. I found it dificult to read the story. Another example I had to re-write in my head: 'The transparent paper glowed for a moment, the room beautifully illuminated as the will was engulfed in fire.' Well, it reads better for me. So throughout this awkward read, I found myself paraphrashing constantly to make any sense of the narrative at all. The first and only chapter I read could do wiith a serious edit. That old stand-by - the read aloud. I think if the author read each word out loud, the awkwardness of the writing would soon become apparent. I write these comments simply to help the work to become what it obviously can. I hope you understand that I only have the writing at heart and there is no negativity in my comments, just the desire to get the writing right! Much to praise in the story ideas, but an extremely hard book to read.

Club Agatha Critique This is classic old school murder mystery. How appropriate to be reviewing under the banner of Club Agatha. It is good and I like the red mofif, but I have a few constructive comments that I hope will be useful to you. Overall, it's a bit overwritten for my taste, but that's the style you've chosen so it's not a complaint. There is a small detail that troubled me. When Master Redden drops a 'slim' key it falls 'hard' against the burgundy carpet. Doesn't seem right as Master Redden's feet made little sound on the carpet. 'A mysterious hand invaded the light, in it was a gun' - two sentences or at least semi-colon. 'Logging' - think you mean 'lodging'. 'Urgent bereavement' - do you mean unexpected or untimely? Just nits. Overall good and atmospheric and a good setup. Good luck with your work. Mike (Milk and More)

Club Agatha Critique I've read this before, but it's been awhile. I'm back for a critique of the first chapter for the Chapter One competition of Club Agatha for mystery/crime writers. I love the 1940's Great Britain setting and the shadowy mansion. The setting, characters, and speech patterns, along with the writing style, reminds me of a classic Agatha Christie or P.D. James book. You even fooled me into thinking you were British. You've done a great job. Susan/Greenleaf (Provenance; Chameleon)

Club Agatha Your writing is clever and complements your story and scene. The characters are unusual and wonderfully described. The detective intrigues me, I'm looking forward to getting to know him better and find out how 'only seeing red' changes/ differs the way he views the mystery, and finds the truth. 'more secrets than bugs' I thought this stood out, and i really liked it. Good, strong start. Emma

Club Agatha Critique, Jules, I think you capture an 'older-world' style fairly well. Your descriptive writing appeals to me, as I tend to write in a similar fashion and I appreciated the fact you used difference shades of red to describe surroundings and characters. Some of you dialogue, especially the old man's speech could be tightened a little. It seemed a little forced to me and it interrupted the flow slightly, but it's only a small gripe. Otherwise, I think you have set up the first chapter of mystery really well. Good luck. G

Thank you Eftborin, E.R. Yatscoff, and Inquisitive Agie for reading and commenting. I took your suggestions into account and made necessary edits. Anything and everything helps.

Agatha critique: You use detailed description and in this case it's actually benefiting the start of the story. The beginning is mysterious, and to use one of your words; dark. However most old people wouldn't pierce the darkness with their eyes. They would have difficulties to see and be half blind. (Cataracs) After the Inspector read the letter, you keep calling him the man and then, this man. I'm not sure why.I assume he is the Inspector. O and the locals must be very simple people as they can show him where the estate is, which isn't hard to find. "The night......awoke" I don't get this bit? There is a speedy post delivery in this story, in normal circumstances it would take a week or more for a letter to get to its destination, exceptions for bereavements. As I said, the extended description of what's occurring in the mansion during the party is doing the story good, but I'm not sure if you should keep on doing this, it makes it a slow read.

Good solid writing. Okay, you have some structure problems: indents are inconsistent, paragraphs occasionally have too much going on in them from separate areas. Keep one persons/actions/thoughts/dialogue together and don't mix with anything else, same for narration, keep it separate. Also, I'd recommend in the 1st chap. keeping your "death was only x feet away" lines separate as they can increase tension. Describe the pub as soon as he walks in, just like you look around when you walk into a place. Dump HUFF HUFF as it sounds like a children's book. and is totally out of place. Describe the noises the old man hears: metallic, soft thuds, etc. Slippers are better to shuffle with not slid. When the pistol fires add a muzzle flash that matches/challenges etc. the candlelight. And night ended, not night had ended. Do a word search for HAD, WAS, and THAT and start dumping them. Good luck.

Hi Jules. I like thrillers/crime. When they flow along my interest is held and will read further. However, i find it annoying when dialogue is lost in a paragraph. You open it up later, in other words split the speech from paragraphs which works much better in my mind. will peruse more because of the plot. Consider editing and separate the speech from paragraphs...please. Pat

COLOR OF RED This is a good mystery. The secret passage, the will that burns, the missing nephew, and a strange lady named Rose. A small thing, the first four characters introduced all have names that begin with an R (Master Redden, Dr. Redden, Rouge and Rose). It’s hard for your readers to keep tract of characters when characters have similar names; unless there’s some reason for names so similar, did you think about making them a little different? Also the name of Madam Scarlette (a reader can solve the mystery easily: the killer is Miss Scarlet in the study with a gun). Another small thing: Master Redden talks out loud to himself; as few people really do that, should those be internal thoughts? All that said, the story is a good setup. Dr. Redden is obviously more guilty than he seems; Rouge has his work cut out for him. I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dear Jules, I have just finished your first two chapters, and I definitely want to read more! If time did not constrain me this morning, I would curl up in a cozy chair and let myself be swept away into your marvelously mysterious world. This is amazing! You have a tremendous gift to write. There is no doubt in my mind about this. I am stunned by the depth of wisdom in your characterization. Your descriptions of the characters show a deep understanding of the human spirit, well beyond your young years (ie: "time came to change a person inside and out" and "little to live for but much to lose"). I also love the suspense you have created in the opening with the "five feet from death," etc. This is so well done. The symbolism in the names and imagery is also so wonderfully written. You carefully display shades of red throughout this piece taking it to a whole new level of fine literature (ie: Inspector Rouge, Master Redden, Rose, Madame Scarlett, burgandy carpet, maroon waistcoat, mahoghany walls...) Wow! As a literature teacher, I can really appreciate this! :) In addition, I loved the character descriptions of the people in attendance at the engagement party. I might be dating myself here, but "Miss Chesterfield" and "Widow Percival" gave me fond reminiscent memories of interesting characters I might find in the old game "Clue." :) Marvelously done and utterly unique. I look forward to reading on, Jules. I am giving you highest stars today and will hold on my WL for now. A wonderful piece of very fine literature. All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Dear Jules, I have just finished your first two chapters, and I definitely want to read more! If time did not constrain me this morning, I would curl up in a cozy chair and let myself be swept away into your marvelously mysterious world. This is amazing! You have a tremendous gift to write. There is no doubt in my mind about this. I am stunned by the depth of wisdom in your characterization. Your descriptions of the characters show a deep understanding of the human spirit, well beyond your young years (ie: "time came to change a person inside and out" and "little to live for but much to lose"). I also love the suspense you have created in the opening with the "five feet from death," etc. This is so well done. The symbolism in the names and imagery is also so wonderfully written. You carefully display shades of red throughout this piece taking it to a whole new level of fine literature (ie: Inspector Rouge, Master Redden, Rose, Madame Scarlett, burgandy carpet, maroon waistcoat, mahoghany walls...) Wow! As a literature teacher, I can really appreciate this! :) In addition, I loved the character descriptions of the people in attendance at the engagement party. I might be dating myself here, but "Miss Chesterfield" and "Widow Percival" gave me fond reminiscent memories of interesting characters I might find in the old game "Clue." :) Marvelously done and utterly unique. I look forward to reading on, Jules. I am giving you highest stars today and will hold on my WL for now. A wonderful piece of very fine literature. All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Gripping opening scene. Saying how far he stood from death is a nice device. Rouge’s conversation with the Doctor sounds realistic and lays out the story well. It’s the classic whodoneit with a house full of suspects. I am interested in what Rouge thinks of the doctor and whether he trusts his version of events – especially after it is clear that the fortune is his if the boy is out of the picture. The doctor should probably describe a bit more of the argument between his brother and his nephew that caused the end of the party. Were any threats issued? This is well written and the mystery leaves me wanting more. I'll back it. Brian Bandell Mute

Hi Jules, Cyrus asked me to look at your work and I am impressed. Cy has a full shelf so I have agreed to back you, no problem! 6 stars best The Fridge

I have read every word of the first two chapters and found this work very engaging. I guess it takes place during or just after the first World War, is that right? The tension builds right from the start and it is apparent that you are a gifted writer. I have just a couple of comments, tell me to shut up if you don't want remarks. Ch 1: You used 'elderly man' twice in close proximity not convinced with 'twisted noise' what does that mean? 'How are you doing today Dr Redden' Makes rouge sound like Joey from 'Friends' - I'm not certain that was a phrase they would have used those days Ch 2: 'World War' - should be 'Great War' or just 'War' ( a well decorated man) I would lose the brackets otherwise faultless writing and I applaud the artwork - excellent work. How much would you charge to produce a cover for my work? straight on my watch list with 6 stars - this will do well regards Cyrus

Just read the first chapter. Nice opening. You have a talent for creating great images and atmosphere. Six stars and backed

{The Color of Red} – Jules Haigler Young Author League :) Ok. So I was reading this before, and thoroughly enjoying it. And now I started to read again from the beginning. Update. I am no longer “thoroughly enjoying”, but “thoroughly loving”! I can see you’ve worked hard on the opening. The words read effortlessly off the page, and draw the reader into the atmospheric scene. Your descriptions are luscious and rich, absolutely captivating. This book has all the essential ingredients of a captivating crime story. Death, intrigue, romance… The characters are powerful and the prose is charged with emotion. I’ll return again later with some more detailed crit, but I just felt compelled to leave another comment. This is a book that deserves more attention. Keep working at it, keep writing, and don’t give up. Cara

A writer after my own heart.... Having just decided to publish to this site my own whodunnit / murder mystery, seeing another made me very happy. I am thoroughly enjoying this well written book! A couple of things I noticed, in Chapter 1 (that's Authonomy Chapter 1) I usually don't comment on punctuation or grammar as I know I'm not an expert, but I noticed this and it seemed wrong, so here it is: "...he stood five feet from Death," with an upper-case D and then, 3 paragraphs later, "...he stood four feet from death." I'm not sure if "Death" in the first instance is the entity / personification of death, or if the character is simply about to die. I was suitably hooked in, after the first few lines. Very nicely described and thoughtful. You've spent a lot of time polishing this, I can tell. I'm also very impressed with your voice, clearly, like me, you've studied the genre. You have an original concept with a twisting plot and highly likeable central character. The ancillary characters are also well fleshed out. 5 stars!! Looking forward to reading more! Kind Regards, Chris

What a multi-talented, gifted young man you are! This is a wonderful mystery, even for a first draft! You are a great writer of earlier-period murder mysteries. I'd compare you to Agatha Christie, but your work seems to have a lot more depth and meaning than her mysteries. There was only one spot that I felt a bit jarring in your narrative. While I hesitate to make any suggestions to someone as skilled as you are in writing, perhaps this will make a great story even greater? Early in your book, I think it was the first chapter (I read all 7 chapters), where Master Redden was in the library all alone and heard a unexpected sound, you wrote his response as if he were giving a speech, "Why won't .... alone." "My son hates me ...myself". This, as an oral delivery, was a bit stilted, out-of-place, or artificial. Would it be possible for you to just have him "think" these things before he hears the unusual noise - or even after he hears it although you would think he would be horribly frightened by the noise? Where you wrote, "answer me a way to bring peace"...did you mean, "tell me a way to bring peace" ? But those are just minor nit piks and in no way interfered with my enjoyment of your wonderful novel. Some things that I was really struck by: ch. 2 the clever way you introduced your key characters and gave them such full-bodied personalities - awesome. By the way, the reader, in this chapter, will assume that Dr. Redden and Atty. Lance were involved in the murder of Master Redden (is this something you want the reader to do?) ch. 3 good charcter development of Madame Scarlette. Marvelous description of the stone bridge - evokes beautiful imagery. The old woman heightens the mystery a bit more! ch. 4 great description of the secret passageway and the crime scene (like all the good, old mysteries :-) ch. 5 and 6 your dialogue is perfect as you reveal more clues through Rouge's discussion with Rose, etc. at the funeral ch. 7 ah, you put a more human face on Master Redden (tuberculosis) and increased the tension of the plot with the death of Mrs. Chesterfield. (Will the reason for Widow Percival's sudden illness be tied into later chapters?) Some day, I expect to see your wonderful, melodramatic, period-mysteries on bookshelves beside other great classics in the genre so I'm honored to have this early chance to glimpse your work! Congratulations, you have created a new detective not just for young adults, but for all adults. When published, I'll be the first to buy your works! This is a clever, captivating, addictive murder mystery that is, even in early draft, extremely well written.

What a multi-talented, gifted young man you are! This is a wonderful mystery, even for a first draft! You are a great writer of earlier-period murder mysteries. I'd compare you to Agatha Christie, but your work seems to have a lot more depth and meaning than her mysteries. There was only one spot that I felt a bit jarring in your narrative. While I hesitate to make any suggestions to someone as skilled as you are in writing, perhaps this will make a great story even greater? Early in your book, I think it was the first chapter (I read all 7 chapters), where Master Redden was in the library all alone and heard a unexpected sound, you wrote his response as if he were giving a speech, "Why won't .... alone." "My son hates me ...myself". This, as an oral delivery, was a bit stilted, out-of-place, or artificial. Would it be possible for you to just have him "think" these things before he hears the unusual noise - or even after he hears it although you would think he would be horribly frightened by the noise? Where you wrote, "answer me a way to bring peace"...did you mean, "tell me a way to bring peace" ? But those are just minor nit piks and in no way interfered with my enjoyment of your wonderful novel. Some things that I was really struck by: ch. 2 the clever way you introduced your key characters and gave them such full-bodied personalities - awesome. By the way, the reader, in this chapter, will assume that Dr. Redden and Atty. Lance were involved in the murder of Master Redden (is this something you want the reader to do?) ch. 3 good charcter development of Madame Scarlette. Marvelous description of the stone bridge - evokes beautiful imagery. The old woman heightens the mystery a bit more! ch. 4 great description of the secret passageway and the crime scene (like all the good, old mysteries :-) ch. 5 and 6 your dialogue is perfect as you reveal more clues through Rouge's discussion with Rose, etc. at the funeral ch. 7 ah, you put a more human face on Master Redden (tuberculosis) and increased the tension of the plot with the death of Mrs. Chesterfield. (Will the reason for Widow Percival's sudden illness be tied into later chapters?) Some day, I expect to see your wonderful, melodramatic, period-mysteries on bookshelves beside other great classics in the genre so I'm honored to have this early chance to glimpse your work! Congratulations, you have created a new detective not just for young adults, but for all adults. When published, I'll be the first to buy your works! This is a clever, captivating, addictive murder mystery that is, even in early draft, extremely well written.

[QUOTE] Hello, Jules. Below are my thoughts on what I've read so far, please, take them as you will. These are just my opinions, discard everything if you so wish. Intriguing opening although it wasn't really clear at first whether the dark shadow is the elderly man or not. Is it him or was someone else there, too? Would the leaves and petals really be wanting to catch alight? Maybe, as if wanting to catch alight, might sound better? It just sounds a little odd the way it is. Placing his hands on the doorknob turning it gently,... I think this would read better if a comma or the word 'and' was inserted after doorknob. Incidentally, would he have placed both hands on the doorknob, or just one? Could you fit both hands on a doorknob? ...and stepped into the comfort his dark study. I think 'of' is missing after comfort. ...while twisting the key... the key slipped... A bit repetative using the word key twice in the same sentence. It would still work if you took the second 'key' out. Same issue on the next line: "Damn it this key!"... whilst scooping the key... ...the master then shaking struck... Why is he suddenly shaking? It doesn't sound right either. Maybe, the master shakily struck...? ...dowsing the flame... I think you mean dousing. ...clinched knuckles? clenched knuckles? It's a bit jarring when you're referring to this fellow. One minute it's the master, the next the old man, the next Master Redden; just stick with one or the other for the main part or just say 'he'. We know who you're referring to. A puddle of blood formed stained the wood... This doesn't sound right. Maybe placing 'and' after formed, or 'staining' instead of stained? ...Rouge HAD recently entered... his fellow constituents WOULD not say, maybe? With a pit of a polish, this book would be a fantastic read. You have such a knack for painting rich, vivid descriptions that leap right off the page (or screen!) My particular favourites were: The flaming teardrop of light floated, igniting the three candles and, countless puddles...scattered across the dented roads. Your prose has an almost poetic quality to it and the dialogue and descriptions felt right for the time period. I genuinely enjoyed reading this. Don't get disheartened with regards to this site; we're all in the same boat with the same goal in mind and none of us are experts. Your book deserves to be higher in the ranking than it is; maybe promote yourself a little more in the forum on the genre threads or, dare I say it, start participating in read swaps. There really is nothing wrong with like-minded people exchanging some of their time to help one another with their work. All the best with this, highly starred and on my shelf at the next shuffle. Well done. [ENDQUOTE] Edited! Thank you so much for your help!

Hello, Jules. Below are my thoughts on what I've read so far, please, take them as you will. These are just my opinions, discard everything if you so wish. Intriguing opening although it wasn't really clear at first whether the dark shadow is the elderly man or not. Is it him or was someone else there, too? Would the leaves and petals really be wanting to catch alight? Maybe, as if wanting to catch alight, might sound better? It just sounds a little odd the way it is. Placing his hands on the doorknob turning it gently,... I think this would read better if a comma or the word 'and' was inserted after doorknob. Incidentally, would he have placed both hands on the doorknob, or just one? Could you fit both hands on a doorknob? ...and stepped into the comfort his dark study. I think 'of' is missing after comfort. ...while twisting the key... the key slipped... A bit repetative using the word key twice in the same sentence. It would still work if you took the second 'key' out. Same issue on the next line: "Damn it this key!"... whilst scooping the key... ...the master then shaking struck... Why is he suddenly shaking? It doesn't sound right either. Maybe, the master shakily struck...? ...dowsing the flame... I think you mean dousing. ...clinched knuckles? clenched knuckles? It's a bit jarring when you're referring to this fellow. One minute it's the master, the next the old man, the next Master Redden; just stick with one or the other for the main part or just say 'he'. We know who you're referring to. A puddle of blood formed stained the wood... This doesn't sound right. Maybe placing 'and' after formed, or 'staining' instead of stained? ...Rouge HAD recently entered... his fellow constituents WOULD not say, maybe? With a pit of a polish, this book would be a fantastic read. You have such a knack for painting rich, vivid descriptions that leap right off the page (or screen!) My particular favourites were: The flaming teardrop of light floated, igniting the three candles and, countless puddles...scattered across the dented roads. Your prose has an almost poetic quality to it and the dialogue and descriptions felt right for the time period. I genuinely enjoyed reading this. Don't get disheartened with regards to this site; we're all in the same boat with the same goal in mind and none of us are experts. Your book deserves to be higher in the ranking than it is; maybe promote yourself a little more in the forum on the genre threads or, dare I say it, start participating in read swaps. There really is nothing wrong with like-minded people exchanging some of their time to help one another with their work. All the best with this, highly starred and on my shelf at the next shuffle. Well done.

Hi, I have added your book to my watch list. I have only read the first chapter but I feel like I am in the story already, your use of descriptive words is so very effective. I look forward to reading the rest of the story and providing more detailed feedback. Thanks.

Hi there, here for a return read. Two chapters in. Something that caught my attention the most were a few instances where the narrative would do better if you gave less explanation of the events. These were mainly two minor passages during the conversation with the victim's brother. It's unnecessary to explain that tragic events give people sleepless nights, as well as it doesn't have to be pointed out that a sweaty forehead reveals nervousness. Let the reader supply these ideas on their own. These are definitely minor flaws, but then the devil is in the details (as any inspector would say). I felt that you overused the word shadow, or shadowy, in the early stage of the story. I'd advise introducing more variety so that your images remain compelling. Also, as far as imagery goes, what I missed in the scene-setting of the pub conversation was a mention of whether there was anyone else present in the small room. Towards the end of chapter two, when the ex-soldier approaches the doctor and they have a short discussion, it makes no sense that there should be anyone around, but the way you previously say, 'easily crowded' (or something along these lines) gave me a picture of a busy place. The particulars given by the doctor on a few of the people at the party distracted me as there seemed to be no good reason for him mentioning these specific fellows and it felt unnatural as part of speech. Too generic a feature of a crime story for my taste. Other than these technicalities, I found the story quite gripping and flowing well. Kudos on the subtle references to red, like the colour of Mr Lancer's vest. Addressing the issues I raised, that is paying attention to the show and tell factor and taking care in setting the scene (always having your imagery serve a particular purpose), should allow the story to entertain a wider audience than the YA label would suggest.

Very descriptive. Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck! Sue50

Exciting Book! You have a vivid imagination and you put a lot of thought into what you wanted to write. It is like moving through a movie. The camera panning from this object to that. The sounds coming alive. You develop everything so very well. You have a great gift of words and imagination. Amazing work! Shelby Z./Driving Winds

[QUOTE] So you're saying the FBI were involved all along and the old man was really married to a grizzly bear who was disguised as a priest? [ENDQUOTE] Not sure where this came from. I found it amusing as it is unrelated to anything. Probably a sock but thank you nonetheless for that bit of humor. :)

So you're saying the FBI were involved all along and the old man was really married to a grizzly bear who was disguised as a priest?

A good book done in the classic noir style. Intriguing plot. Please review my book as well when you have time. Damon Stentz

I enjoyed the cleverness of the story. The lengthy discriptions are wonderful, but distracted me here and there from the story. I will be back to read further into the story. I am intrigued by the Inspector and his abilities. Great charaterizations and overall a good read.

The like the Valentine theme you chose as title. But actual narrative far from it. That make reading interesting I admire the effort you put into your description. Its clear you put your foot into the readers. that's good

cont. I’d put a new line/start new para at ‘As he kicked a pebble’ → we go from ‘thought action’ to ‘physical action’, so I think needs to be visibly broken up on the page. Then I’d put a comma after ‘Instead’ I’d write; ‘A river flowed near the middle of the town, and small as it was, Rouge knew a little rain could turn it into a raging force. He passed over the old stone bridge, in that moment reminded of the afternoons spent with his father… The two of them, sitting on a wooden bench, gazing down the rocky stream, watching the sun set in the distance.’ New para for ‘Rouge stood still’ and I’d write as follows: ‘Rouge stood still, leaning on the railing and watching the water flow underneath the bridge. Its rippling swirls sucked him into their depths, and brought memories of his childhood swimming to the forefront of his mind.’

suggestions cont. I’d perhaps insert more dialogue modifiers in Rouge’s interaction with Madame Scarlette. Also… I just noticed, is it correct to say Madame, because she is unmarried? What about Mademoiselle ?? I’d put ‘The madame scolded Rouge with a slap across his face.’ Or else, comma after ‘Rouge’ – to break up the two actions I’d say ‘Frozen to the spot where he had met… Rouge watched her trot stylishly down the street, forcing anyone in her way to step off the sidewalk into the wet gutter so that she could pass.’

Chapter 3 suggestions :) I’d say ‘No harm done,’ the young maiden said with a wink, acutely aware of the inspector staring at her. Eyes of endless pride echoed across her brow, whilst delicate dark hair cascaded down and framed the fair complexion of her face. → again, flow better? I think flow is important here, especially as you use the word ‘cascade’ THEN we can have some shorter sentences as you have in the rest of the para → just need to constantly make sure there is variation and rhythm, as opposed to 1) overload of short sentences or 2) overload of long, flowing sentences. Striking the balance is always important!

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler Chapter 3: I’m casually back again, neglecting my duties of reviewing other books, because this is fabulous :P Love the images in this opening para; ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king’ :) – I also like how this is linked with the woman being described as a ‘queen’s soldier’ at the end of the chapter. Marvellous! These subtle things, even if readers don’t notice, create depth and mystery to your writing I’d just suggest a sentence merger here --- ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king; Dr Redden had been right, for the mansion clearly did resemble an ancient fortress.’ → more flow? I like how in this chapter there is development of the character Rouge. Loved the portrayal of Madame Scarlette too, and her snobbishness making the people step off the pavement for her :P Okay I have more suggestions but I'm getting an 'error' when trying to upload the full comment :S I'll try and split it :) Cara

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler Chapter 3: I’m casually back again, neglecting my duties of reviewing other books, because this is fabulous :P Love the images in this opening para; ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king’ :) – I also like how this is linked with the woman being described as a ‘queen’s soldier’ at the end of the chapter. Marvellous! These subtle things, even if readers don’t notice, create depth and mystery to your writing I’d just suggest a sentence merger here --- ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king; Dr Redden had been right, for the mansion clearly did resemble an ancient fortress.’ → more flow? I like how in this chapter there is development of the character Rouge. Loved the portrayal of Madame Scarlette too, and her snobbishness making the people step off the pavement for her :P Okay I have more suggestions but I'm getting an 'error' when trying to upload the full comment :S I'll try and split it :) Cara

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler Chapter 2: A great chapter, charged with emotion. I love the way you begin by having the narrator observe the guests at the party – how the tone is more clinical and detached. Then, we transit to the passionate Rose, and conflict is well introduced. My detailed suggestions—hope these will be useful! I’d suggest the following rewording; ‘Fancy-dressed folk filled the mansion, all dancing off the walls with wealth. The band played, people laughed, and I sat quietly on the couch with my brother and a group of friends.’ → eliminates the passive voice, especially in this opening para to the chapter. You have such a lively scene, I feel it needs to be active! I’d just say ‘My nephew did not socialize with anyone and soon left, unnoticed.’ → eliminates the repetition of the second ‘anyone’ in the sentence I’d say ‘The other guests included…’ instead of ‘amongst the other guests was’… Actually I think this para needs a bit of work to make it flow smoother. In one way you are listing the guests – but I don’t think that the narrative can read as a simple list, because you are also including details about the guests. So what about something like: (for the beginning of the second para) ‘Only a few guests were of notable importance, in my view. One was the boy’s fiancé, Madame Scarlette, who spent the time chatting with her associates and dining on tea and hotcakes. Occasionally, she would get up to go to visit the powder room. My nephew was also present, although he didn’t socialize and soon left, without anyone noticing. -→ somehow I feel we need more info about the nephew, in order for the transition to work better, perhaps? Para ‘at 10.30’ there is slight ambiguity – because we go from men entering the parlour room, to women sealing themselves away, then back to the men. I’d reorder to eliminate confusion, as follows: ‘The women stayed seated in the den, while the men made for the parlour room carrying cigars and brandy. As we sealed ourselves away…’ → In this order, we don’t flip from men/women/men – it is a more progressive flow, as we follow the men and they seal themselves away I’d reword as follows; ‘In curiosity, I leant against the door frame and tapped the door ajar. Through that crack I spotted my nephew, though he remained oblivious to my presence.’ Then ‘I watched as he paced swiftly across the room, biting his knuckles as he did so.’ → removes passive ‘was pacing’, and makes the action associated with your narrator, as he is the one observing! A little bit of repetition in the para ‘A young girl entered the library’ → I’d reword as follows: ‘A young girl entered the library, her slender body and exquisite features drawing a gasp from between my lips. I knew she was not on the guest list, but if it were up to me I would have invited her in a heartbeat. The beautiful red curls bouncing over her shoulders reminded me of a rose, a rose that had…’ Then last sentence of the para; it is unclear who is smiling, so may need a comma/reword I’d just say; ‘As their lips separated, the girl grabbed my nephew’s arm and pulled him towards the secret door. “Let’s…. tonight,” she murmured, her voice thick with passion.’ → the bit ‘the girl asked’ doesn’t make sense because she’s not asking a question. Then I just got carried away with describing her voice :P sentence ‘Forcing my body to not react…’ I’d change to this → ‘Forcing my body to remain rigid, I continued to listen.’ – or else change order to say ‘body not to react’, but for me it’s a little clumsy. Also ‘remain rigid’ has some nice alliteration, if you like it? New line for ‘Rose turned around’ – the subject changes so we need a para break. I’d also put a dialogue modifier when Rose speaks → ‘What?’ she whispered in disbelief, before her voice rose with ferocity. ‘You promised that we would…. New line for ‘Rose reached out and struck…’(again, change of subject) The scene with Dr Redden is very well written, couldn’t pick up any suggestions. I think you use the dialogue well, and there are just enough dialogue modifiers. Excellent pace and end to the chapter! Have a fabulous day! :) Cara The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Firstly I do like the tale you tell and I feel it is a brave man who takes on such a read about this era as it is so well published. The story carries through and creates an interesting list of characters and dilemmas. I was initially put off by some of the wording ‘I must fix this someday’ ‘I must fix this’ is stronger. Why bother mentioning it if its unimportant and can be done someday but not immediately. It’s a redundant word that pokes you out of the story As does Found you, he internally announced. That is a very strange thing to describe – internally announced – Found you - he thought delighted - relieved –excitedly Just my opinion Best of luck with it

This is something special. Jules, you capture me as soon as you open the chapter. I found no major typos, errors. If this gets published, I want a copy!

Deliciously enjoyable!! I'm reading some more using wifi on my phone :) nothing better to finish off a day -- looking at some French chateaux, a few glasses of "red" wine, and a good book!! I'll comment more in depth when I get back of course... Just thought I'd leave one now anyway! If there is one thing I'd suggest is to look up all the times you use 'was' or 'were' and try to eliminate that passive voice!! Michael Dale on Authonomy pointed that out to me for my book and a rewrite made it that touch better I think! I do like how you have all those "red" references... in names etc :D quite nicely done! Also the scene with Rose in C2.. emotive and passionate dialogue, caputured it well. I was right there feeling their pain and love. Damn it makes me remember things... oh you have a good skill to bring the reader right in. Well done :) Cara

good writing...and a good book....narrative and dialogue work well hear. ...and backed. read SEASONS...

{The Colour of Red 1} – Jules Haigler Chapter 1: Wow, as I started to read this I was immediately captivated by the atmosphere you create; right from the beginning, some lovely imagery that truly makes the reader quiver and tremble! My favourite ‘Shrivelled leaves and withered petals curved with stems towards a burning candle hoping to catch alight.’ Only may I humbly suggest ‘their’ instead of ‘with’ and a comma after candle, to create more variation and pace? There is a sense of mystery developed. Your writing is very smooth – I’d almost call it luxurious! I like how the man is unnamed to begin – heightens the mood. Then, we only just get to know him… and bang! He is dead – the death scene is chilling. I also like how the candle is blown out… the light snuffed out, as the old man’s life is. Great how we then transit from night to day, and once again there is a mysterious figure – a ‘stranger’. Dialogue is well handled in this section, and a good way to lead into the story…!! :) Overall, excellent. I also noticed in your profile you say that your books are ‘filled with hidden symbolism and meaning’. And I think this is so very true – this chapter is absolutely delicious! It is clear you do write with vivid descriptions, which you manage to pull off skilfully. I look forward to seeing where this leads, and trying to uncover all those little clues you leave! Now I just got a few humble little suggestions for you, I hope they’ll be useful! Opening para: sentence ‘From deep within the house’ to me feels a bit odd, because we go from ‘hearing’ the sound of the clock, to seeing the vase, and the two don’t seem to interlink. How about something like: “From deep within the house, a clock chimed the late hour. The ringing sound pierced the stillness and made the dead flowers in a Chinese vase quiver slightly. Shrivelled leaves…” Second para: how about “Placing his hands on the doorknob and turning it gently, the elderly man gave a push. He breathed in deeply as he entered his dark study, a comforting feeling filling the crevices in his heart.” – the words ‘doorknob’ and ‘door’ close together give a repetitive feeling. As for the rest, just a suggestion to further build atmosphere ;) Same again in next para, the word ‘key’ is repeated twice, and it has already been referred to twice in the prev. para – so maybe restructure? You could say “While twisting the key loosely in the lock, it slipped from his trembling hand…” Then “Damn!” fussed the man as he stooped with difficulty to pick the key up. Para ‘Removing a match…’ I’d reword sentence to read: “His bloodshot eyes and constricting pupils stared into the bright… …. last illumination they would ever see.” (we know you are referring to ‘eyes’ because this is the subject of the sentence- so can eliminate repetition of the word! After the break: I’d just say “Night ended” – more active You also say ‘as a ray of sun’ and next sentence ‘as the sun rose’. Try eliminating repetition of ‘as’ – maybe just ‘The sun rose higher into the sky, and light broke through a barrier in the clouds. Like water breaking from a damn…’ (p.s. love this imagery here!) – also just using the word ‘light’ in second sentence eliminates repetition of the word ‘sunlight’ All the best, I look forward to reading more Sincerely, Cara

Chapter Two, I like the pace much better here - and the descriptions are just enough to feed the imagination, without overpowering the story. A couple of typos I spotted - watch where it should be watched (third para from end) and contempt where it should be content (same section), Only other suggestion would be to double check some of the terms - I'm no expert, as I said before, but it is one of my favourite periods in our history. What jumped out at me was that I've never heard the term Den used to describe where people would withdraw to after dinner. British society would have seen the Ladies retiring from dinner, usually to the drawing room, and the men staying at the table (which is cleared) to drink, talk, and smoke. It is a minor point that doesn't affect your story, but worth double checking before some historian gets vitriolic on you for getting it wrong! They can be very unforgiving of very simple things. Hope you are finding my comments useful - I will try to get to the next couple of chapters over the weekend if they are.

Hello Jules, I promised a while ago that I would read and comment on The Color of Red, and I have finally got to you on my watchlist. This is only my personal opinion, feel free to ignore it as I am by no means an expert, just a reader giving my viewpoint. Unfortunately as I write, you appear to be editing the book, as having read Chapter One, I cna't read any more as autho is telling me that the book is locked for editing :( You set the scene well, and at the end of this Chapter you have caught my attention enough for me to want to continue reading, so it is a great start. Although I am enjoying it, and will read more when autho lets me, I find that the scene setting is a little too detailed all at once. While the setting is beautiful, and the language very evoking, they fall into quite large chunks, which for me breaks the story up. I would like to see more of the story up front, with the descriptions scattered between so that it helps with the pace. My only other comment at this stage would be that as the book is set in Great Britain, the use of American-English spellings jarred it for me - but as I am English that may be because they are not the way I would spell things. A great start, and I will return to read more. Rose

Hi Jules, I read some of this about a month and half ago and decided to come back and read more. I wanted to see what you've done with it. I really like The Color of Red. Good mystery book with fantastic descriptions. You're one of those writers who creates vivid images that bring the setting, scenes, and characters to life. Well-done. I hope you'll add more chapters. I stopped reading where you said Under Construction. Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I loved the cover and the pitch immediately. I am also impressed with your writing style...very evocative and flowing. All I can say other than that is...in the first few paragraphs when the old man talks to himself, (and we know it's to himself) I'd specify that he's talking to himself. The slightly formal tone is charming. I'm going to star highly, and will come back to read more soon.

I think you have the Victorian melodrama style off very well. I'm not sure about 1940s, I would say it reads as if from an earlier period than that. 1940s would be war time, a different sort of feel I think. It reminds me of Wilkie Collins, Conan Doyle etc. Very atmospheric and very visual. Should appeal to adult or any age. An exciting story. Watchlisted to read more.

Jules, I was drawn to your book, the nuiances you give the lead (Rouge) are clever and well done. I like the mystery and suspense you build right from the get go. I'm impressed. Can't wait to see where else it goes. Great couple of first chapters, I will have to come back for more when I get an opportunity. I would say that, although you do a fantastic job of stimulating all of my senses, I feel at times there were too many descriptors. You write beautifully, I would just say it needs to tone down a little or else the reader gets slightly distracted from the plot by trudging through so many adjectives. Otherwise, I think this would be a read I'd grab from any shelf to settle in for some intrigue. If you'd like to check out War of the Wastelands I'd appreciate anything you'd have to say. No worries if you are busy, just thought I'd put it out there. Sara

This was a great read. Your descriptive writing, in particular, is exceptional. Great job. I just have a few little niggles with on of the lines in your pitch. “Villains representing different evils in the human soul and unbelievably twisted mysteries fill story's interior.” I would include commas after ‘soul’ and 'mysteries'. You’ve missed ‘the’ from between ‘fill’ and ‘story’s’. I would just say ‘fill the story’ at the end.

To nail this I think you now need to weed out wanton adjectives. The prose is just a little too exuberant, a little too excitable at times – I can talk! But some of your sentences are like a puppy sliding over a lino floor in its eagerness to communicate its vitality. I think you're kind of over imagining frames at times as if you want to bully us the reader into seeing every single detail you see. You need to trust the reader a little more. The architecture's there. The traction and suspension are great. There's lots of cleverness going on and the visuals are arrestingly imagined and depicted. The world you've created pulses with vitality. No doubt about that. Now I think editorially you have to become Scrooge. Hide some of those glittering adjectives under the floorboards.

G'day! Jules Haigler, Congratulations in becoming a front runner this week. Your novel has an outstanding novel approach which quickly catches the intest of the reader - and it is the sort of book that's hard to put down. Well done. Hang in their mate. Your big wave is a coming... much sooner than you may think... Regards, KEN BLOWERS (For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years. I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays. Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link: http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/ And to see all the books, try this one too: http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

G'day! Jules Haigler, Congratulations in becoming a front runner this week. Your novel has an outstanding novel approach which quickly catches the intest of the reader - and it is the sort of book that's hard to put down. Well done. Hang in their mate. Your big wave is a coming... much sooner than you may think... Regards, KEN BLOWERS (For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years. I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays. Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link: http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/ And to see all the books, try this one too: http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

Hi! In the beginning paragraph, there is quite a lot of repetition of words and phrases ie. 'shadows' and 'from the blank'. I also think that the 'ghost made of shadows' is fairly redundant. If it's a ghost, then it's going to be transparent/ shadow-like/ wraith-like; the reader already has a sharp image in their heads and needs no further cues. "Stopping outside the door, he did not realise he was five feet away from Death" is a particularly clumsy sentence and I pick this out only because it's clearly the hook. Lots of use of passive verbs. Be more direct because A. it's a pet peeve of pretty much any reader, publisher or agent and B. it really slows down the pace, which is clearly supposed to be tense here. Is the repeated key dropping necessary? I also feel like this scene would be better without dialogue, as it alleviates the tension somewhat. You don't need to describe the man halfway through the introduction because it decreases the tension and interrupts the narrative. There's also a lot of exposition here that is completely unnecessary. Focus on the here and now. Tension is so key in the mystery genre. Right now, all of your sentences are fairly long. You might want to shorten them to speed up the pace. I feel like the dialogue (or rather, monologue) should be internalised because right now, it's only interrupting the narrative. I like your descriptions. They're vivid and detailed. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe integrate them better with the action in order to increase the pace of the novel. I've only read the introduction, but I feel like there are several issues that need addressing, which is why I hesitate to go further. I like your descriptions and I like the premise - who doesn't like a good mystery? - but the pace does not match with the intended reader reaction (I'm assuming tension/ intense burning desire to read on). It seems like this is because there is a lot of passive voice, perhaps too much description (including the chunks of paragraph that pull the reader away from the immediate tension) and not enough sentence variation. I do think that this has promise, though, and I will watchlist it for now. Hope this helps! Georgia

I read through the first two chapters and you have a wonderful gift for painting vivid pictures on the page. Your imagery is amazing. I am usually not a big fan of long drawn out description but I loved the way you put yours together. It read like poetry! Your dialogue is smooth and your narratives are spot on. This is truly a beautiful piece of writing. Thanks. High stars on this one.

I read through the first two chapters and you have a wonderful gift for painting vivid pictures on the page. Your imagery is amazing. I am usually not a big fan of long drawn out description but I loved the way you put yours together. It read like poetry! Your dialogue is smooth and your narratives are spot on. This is truly a beautiful piece of writing. Thanks. High stars on this one.

This feels like a classic, kind of like a Agatha Christie novel. Section One of Part One: “The old man did not realize he stood five feet from death”~I loved this line, and the counting down of how close he was to death. It really upped the tension and suspense. The dialog tags distracting. “Vexed the man”, “fused the man,” “he cursed” “Said” is a very invisible word that allows the dialog to speak for itself. Though these other words aren’t that bad, I’d think about employing “said” more. The first section was very creepy and very atmospheric. I think making the murderer out as some sort of ghostly creature at the beginning was a genius idea. Section Two of Part One I like the description of the detective, but the last part of this bit: “By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience” I don’t really like. I don’t like being told what I see in his features. I love all the red references in the description at the pub. I love how it’s layered the references. There’s all the things that red means, and then there’s the brandy, then there’s the Reddens, Rose, Scarlette. “The room’s atmosphere felt as cold as death but as warm as its color.” I think there needs to be a comma after “but”. Here ““And what about your nephew made my journey here so urgent?” asked Rogue, feeling hesitant about drinking while on the job.” I feel this could be made better by showing that Rogue is hesitant about drinking could work better. Such as maybe avoiding the drinking, Maybe making the first move to take a drink, but deciding against it. ““A secret entrance? Doesn’t sound too secretive to me,” puzzled Rogue…” Loved this bit of dialog. Chapter Two, section one: I like that you made it like the story. It keeps it from being an info-dumpy, and goes back in time quite well without getting muddled. I like that you included Scarlette before you introduced Rose, it’s a great way of showing how complicated the situation is in just a sentence. “Rose turned around, letting go of the boy’s arm. Her eyes filled with tears.” That change in emotion was instant. Maybe show some hesitance in her, or post pone this until later. ““Rose,” cried the boy, “hear me out!”” (Double quotation marks, all the way.) I thought “hear me out” was a bit out of place with the rest of the dialog and the time period. I think it’s great that you brought the story back to the uncle at the end. Nice loop effect and makes the reader ready to transition back to the pub. Chapter Two Section Two: “Rouge could see sweat forming on his forehead, a sign of uncomfortable position.” I think the “…a sign of uncomfortable position” is unneeded. Most people know that it’s a sign of nervousness already and don’t need it explained. I thought Rogue warning Redden that he was a suspect was a bit odd. I think a detective might drop a hint, maybe, but not come right out and say it. Though I don’t know Rogue well enough to say that. ““I would think not,” declared Dr. Redden, his sweat now dripping onto the table.” This is a great detail. The quiet red-dressed soldier is such an interesting character, I think switching the attention to him was done very smoothly and that little hint about his intentions is awesome foreshadowing and creates some dramatic irony between the reader and Rogue and takes this mystery to another level. “As Rogue paced down the street…”I thought pace was an odd verb to use and doesn’t really work. Unless Rogue is pacing, then it works. Overall I really like this story, this style of writing is hard to pull off and you do it well. And the whole idea of someone just seeing red is a great one. I’m a bit jealous that you came up with it. Highly starred and backed.

Really good book. I haven't read it all yet--only the first four chapters. But I can't wait to read more. Sorry my critique isn't very long. This is only my second critique. Californiagirl

Just finished reading 4 chapters - only meant to read 2! I loved it. I love all the red names, even the soldier is dressed in red! Its a fun read, and reminds me of an Agatha Christie. Very cool! I didn't find any errors, typos, even awkward sentences...nothing! Great job, great writing. I'll keep it on my WL and read more when I have time! I have six starred it! :-) And I love the cover. The black and white is inspired- I'm assuming- by the detective's vision but it also subtly alludes to the time period. Good luck!

Just finished reading 4 chapters - only meant to read 2! I loved it. I love all the red names, even the soldier is dressed in red! Its a fun read, and reminds me of an Agatha Christie. Very cool! I didn't find any errors, typos, even awkward sentences...nothing! Great job, great writing. I'll keep it on my WL and read more when I have time! I have six starred it! :-) And I love the cover. The black and white is inspired- I'm assuming- by the detective's vision but it also subtly alludes to the time period. Good luck!

[QUOTE] I've just read the first three "chapters," and I think The Color Red is wonderfully well-written and does a great job of creating an eerie sense of mystery. One thing that confused me was what it is Rouge sees - is he colorblind but can see things that are the color red, meaning everythng but red objects are black and white, or does he see the world in shades of red? I think it would be helpful to clarify that. Also, I know I haven't gotten very far in the story, but I'm puzzled about the significance of the color red to the story. It seems to be everywhere and its presence can get heavy-handed at time (such as when Rose's hair is describe as being... a rose). Suspects, the victim, even the detective are all painted red, leading me to wonder whether there is real significance imbued in its presence or if it's just a gimmick. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you've made the stylistic choice to make color a centerpiece of your novel, but be careful not to let it spread to far and become unfocused, because then it loses its meaning. On a more nitpicky note - "madame" usually denotes a married woman. Scarlette would be a "mademoiselle". Of course, these are just my humblest of opinions, so feel free to ignore me completely. I have starred it for now and will continue reading. Cheers, M. [ENDQUOTE] Thank you for reading as much as you did. The story is a study on the color red (a study in scarlet). It is meant to show the artistic and symbolic use of the color (red meaning blood, love, lust, evil, murder, etc...). As for the Inspector, I would want to tell you that he sees only red while everything is in black and white but why spoil the surprise in the sequel. It may work, it may not but I write everything for a reason to get people thinking. I am glad you pointed out that "madame" mistake. And don't worry so much about the red, it loosens up a bit after the first mystery. The color is simply put, an expression of a world of murder. No other color is ever mentioned or described for thematic reasons mainly. Inspector Rouge is a representation of a blind colorless world where only emotion is colorful. I find it fascinating how you can describe a tree without the use of color yet the mind while reading fills in the color. That is the beauty and study of my work, along with a psychological decision in the end.

I've just read the first three "chapters," and I think The Color Red is wonderfully well-written and does a great job of creating an eerie sense of mystery. One thing that confused me was what it is Rouge sees - is he colorblind but can see things that are the color red, meaning everythng but red objects are black and white, or does he see the world in shades of red? I think it would be helpful to clarify that. Also, I know I haven't gotten very far in the story, but I'm puzzled about the significance of the color red to the story. It seems to be everywhere and its presence can get heavy-handed at time (such as when Rose's hair is describe as being... a rose). Suspects, the victim, even the detective are all painted red, leading me to wonder whether there is real significance imbued in its presence or if it's just a gimmick. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you've made the stylistic choice to make color a centerpiece of your novel, but be careful not to let it spread to far and become unfocused, because then it loses its meaning. On a more nitpicky note - "madame" usually denotes a married woman. Scarlette would be a "mademoiselle". Of course, these are just my humblest of opinions, so feel free to ignore me completely. I have starred it for now and will continue reading. Cheers, M.

Currently editing and reviewing comments by readers. Getting ready for the re-print by a new publisher. I thank everyone who has taken time to help out. Once this is finished I will continue work on the sequel.

I love the depth of the narrative in the opening as it draws me onwards and takes me into the work. If a work does not have a start of this quality I find it difficult to continue. This is was gets me into a book and what I aspire to write. A good book. Brondby Scott Praying To Dead Gods & Kissing Like A Child

Erie start, with some very good description. Like the hammer horrors, that scared me when I was younger. Excellent use of imagery and it uses all of the reader’s senses. Drawing them in like a fly in a web. I started to feel dread, knowing death was close, and was wondering what would happen next. There is tension, atmosphere, and this to your enticing style of writing, a good mixture that works well. I love the use of the colour red and how you varied it. Like Blood-heat-pain, this shows you have a very good grasp of the written language. This story has a lot of potential and you know your market and your readers well. String scenes and devilish characters. Well done.

Hi Jules, A good intriguing read and I love the era and premise he sees only in red. This book show lots of promise and I'm high starring you. A tweak: Your use of adverbs. Sometimes these can be overdone and not necessary if you're wanting to polish the work. And also, for me, too many adverbs are a form of lazy writing. For instance - "The ghostly arm floated silently." If a ghost is floating, I would think it would be "silently" so that adverb is not needed and you can cut the fat. "He breathed heavily." Instead, to leave out an adverb here and make it more interesting, you could say, "His labored breathing" "His asthmatic breathing" "His raspy breathing" "His breath was labored, like a two pack a day Camel smoker who'd tried jogging to the corner grocery for another pack." or "His breathing was so labored, anyone within a mile of hearing might think he was two steps from looking at the other side of the grass to see the promised land." You get the idea! "...portly, wealthy looking businessman..." - Here you've used two adverbs back to back. In this case your adverbs are telling, not showing, which is the reason adverbs are lazy. Show your reader by giving a description. For example "The gentleman's pudgy fingers gripped a leather briefcase bulging with possible business contracts while his other hand wrestled with buttons threatening to pop from the coat of his Italian silk suit." This way, you know from the description he could be a business man and silk conveys the picture of wealth. Using adverbs in dialogue is different. Characters can say anything they want to say and if they like to use lots of adverbs, that's how they talk. But what I would do is go back through this manuscript and check every adverb that's not in dialogue. And if there's a way to reword most of them, I would do so. I hope this helps. Use what you can of my critique and if you disagree throw out my suggestions. As we know, writing is subjective. Love your artwork by the way and good luck with your projects. Thanks for the return read and Blessings! ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

I read your first three Authonomy chapters. General comments: A gripping start. A suitably observant and wise central character. Fascinating secondary characters. Vivid imagery. Good sense of place and era. Well-executed tension. Effective pacing. Specific comments on the first chapter: 1) Good opening line. I'm hooked. 2) 'The man sighed, feeling exhausted.' Try to avoid using the word 'feeling.' Just describe his exhaustion so vividly the reader will experience it along with Master Redden. By doing this, you'll pull the reader deeper into the scene. 3) "Terrible, absolutely terrible news" Dr. Redden paused to take a sip of wine. Period after 'news.' 4) ' ... he could turn down the opportunity for a good mystery.' Do you mean 'couldn't?' 5) An excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line? Specific comments on the second chapter: 1) ' ... but I had no idea anyone else knew especially not the figure that crawled out.' 'That' should be 'who.' 2) 'The doctor looked up at Rouge who was tracing the gains in the wooden table with his fingers.' 'Gains' should be 'grains.' 3) 'Your nephew, I'm sure, has enough since than to risk such a perilous journey.' 'Since' should be 'sense.' 4) Another excellent end of chapter hook. Specific comments on the third chapter: 1) No nits. 2) Yet another superb end of chapter hook. I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Have a marvelous day. Al

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group Title: The Color of Red Author: Jules Haigier Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment) [06] Speed [06] Enjoyment [06] Interest Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure) [04] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors [05] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors [05] Free of Distracting Dialog Story [07] Coherent / Order [08] Character/Subject Development Marketing [05] Cover Design [08] Pitch TOTAL [60/100] Comments: I read your first three Authonomy chapters. A gripping start. A suitably observant and wise central character. Fascinating secondary characters. Vivid imagery. Good sense of place and era. Well-executed tension. Effective pacing. Star rating: 4 My grading criteria: 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=exceptionally publishable

Here is a locked room mystery told in classic, turn-of-the-century manner, and well-told at that. The protagonist is Detective Inspector Danforth Rouge, and the colour red pops up repeatedly. If anyone ever doubted this author is visual, this story demonstrates Jules' descriptive style and sense of colour. Colours… Rouge, Redden, Rose, Scarlette… they're everywhere. And, ironically, the detective is colour blind. The author categorises the story as YA, but I think it's potential audience is both broader and deeper than many a YA novel. I'm happy to back this well-written story.

I like this. The first part of the first chapter reads well and you have captured the tension. The 'three feet from death' etc, although prophetic, holds the reader well and urges you to read on. The descriptive prose, despite what you say in your bio is actually old-fashioned in its detail. The detail is however excellently done. The narrative prose is good and the pace entirely correct in the way you unfold the story. It surprised me a little you didn't use more detail in the description of what the bullet did to him. Couple of points: Your pupils constrict in a bright light, not dilate. They dilate when you are in dark - or when you die. Maybe it should be 'flaming teardrop' as opposed to tear and the use of the word 'tear' felt ambiguous. 'Fell forwards across the desk' - otherwise it implies the whole of his body landed on the desk. 'ankle sprain caused by a deformity' - I didn't understand that one. A sprain is an acute injury, the latter is congenital. Over all I enjoyed this, you have a great talent for writing. Best of luck with it.

Hi Jules, First, I'd like to say that your pitches are great. They enticed me to read your book. I've read the first three segments of The Color of Red. I'm enjoying it, and I think your writing is very good. I especially like your setting and descriptions. So very detailed that I can really see the place. Your characterizations are also wonderful, as are your dialogue and pacing. My only criticism is about your speech tags. All of the books on writing say to limit your speech tags to 'said' or 'asked' because they are almost invisible and don't distract from the dialogue. When I read all of the less common tags used in The Color of Red, they really jumped out at me-- 'fussed the man', 'he cursed', ''answered the doctor', 'he smirked', etc. I used to use some of these too, but a literary agent friend pointed them out to me, saying that some of them were downright impossible ways to speak--'coughed Rouge', 'exhaled the master', 'This is the sign? he laughed'. You can use the simple said/asked, or even leave out the tag altogether if it's obvious who the speaker is. If it's a thought, the same thing applies. I hope this helps. I'll be back to read more. I think you have a great book here. Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

nice pitch. really makes those browsing for a good tale really want to read... j what every woman should know

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group Title: The Color of Red Author: Jules Haigler Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment) [7] Speed (Easy/Fast) [7] Enjoyment [7] Interest – effective evocation of a particular milieu. Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure) [09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix) [09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit) [10] Free of Distracting Dialog Story [9] Coherent / Order (7) Character/Subject Development Marketing [10] Cover Design [09] Pitch (TOTAL [86/100] Comments. Reminds me of G.K Chesterton. It’s a narrative you have to ‘go with’ i.e overlook the silly things like the names (and the slightly patronizing explanation of what Rouge means) and the speaking to yourself out load parts. I’m not sure if Insp Rouge is sufficiently intriguing to carry the interest of the reader. The personal side of him seems to be restricted to a rather two-dimensional description of his relationship with his father. You use ‘slight’ repeatedly in your description of him which does have a negating effect I think. But as I said it is effective in recreating a particular social setting and there is a warmth to the narrative that makes you fond of it – just like Chesteron. Good Luck with it Jules! Star rating 4

The Color of Red: Colour? This has lots of potential and I’m sure will be a hit with your target audience. Writing is good, and it’s an interesting story, but I think it would benefit from a bit of tightening. I normally take notes as I read so I’ve popped a few here for your consideration. After I’d read the chapter I read some of the comments, and your reply to them, so you may very well want to ignore some, if not all of what I suggested. But I’m no pro so that’s okay with me. ;-> For what they’re worth, here they are. ~ Five feet from his imminent death ~ I’d prefer not to know this. Bit of a spoiler, at least for me it is, knowing what’s going to happen. But it’s your book. stepped into the comfort of a [seemingly] empty room. Using 'seemingly' hints that it's not empty. Try: ...stepped into the comfort of his (front) room? ~ Reeking of alcohol, he struggled to close the door ~ The stench of alcohol filled his nostrils when he gave out a loud belch, and for a moment he shuddered. “Damn door!” he said, as he struggled to close it. yelled the master to himself.~ Don’t think you need this? “Damn it, this key!” [Reaching down,] Master Redden… ~ No need to tell us this as it’s obvious that he’d reach down? “Damn it, this key!” he scowled, and scooped the key off the carpet…? might fall if he ~ Is the ‘he’ here, Master Redden or the son? He now stood four feet from death.~ Again, I’d rather not know this. It gives too much away. and began to walk ~ and walked forward? his waist was jabbed by a corner of wood ~ passive… Try, a corner of wood jabbed his waist. Or: A few steps later he jabbed his waist on a corner of wood? , he internally announced ~ not needed as italics already show us this? Pulling from his pockets a match, the master struck the red tip against the wood.~ Multi-tasking here, he couldn’t strike the match at the same time as he pulls it from his pocket? What wood is he striking the match on? Little did the master know that this illumination would be the last his eyes would ever see as he now stood three feet from death. ~ Again you’re telling the reader what’s going to happen. More interesting if you surprise the reader. Keep us wondering. “Just rats,” exhaled the master as he walked around the desk.~ Try: “Just rats.” The master exhaled as he walked around the desk… desk [suddenly] popped open… Omit suddenly. , the murderer blew out the candles and slipped behind a secret passage into the darkness. ~ I think this would be a good place to end the chapter then make a new one with the rest of it? As you may not agree with the above suggestions, from here on, I’m going to finish the rest of the first chapter, just for the pleasure of reading it. But if you think my notes are helpful, and if you’d like more, let me know and I will send them to you. All the best, and I am interested in reading more of this so I have high-starred it and will keep it on my watchlist.

The pitch and title are very drawing for the reader. The first chapter really grabs a person's interest to read and see what will happen. Your Descriptions are very well created to spark even more interest. Super Work! *Reader*

Great chapter with a great start. You brought me here with your forum thread :) It worked, see? This has the promise of a great mystery. You created the suspense with the first line..."five feet from his imminent death." A few paragraphs down, "...now stood four feet from death," then "...three feet..." You succeeded to create a sense of setting and the emotional hook with an aged controlling father who didn't get along with his son. I've added it to my WL and will be reading some more. T. Donna Robison No Kiss Good-bye

Good premise and strong characters & scene setting - though I'd expect nothing less of someone keenly interested in theatre. Where you're letting the story down, imo, is with repetition. Silly stuff, really. (am paraphrasing here, btw): "he picked up the key. He put the key into the lock..." - second time round, and subsequent times, that "key" should become "it", the "master" become "he" etc. etc. Read through those first paras again and see how many times you repeat stuff that hinders rather than helps the reader progress. Secondly, check rhythm overall. Whilst your visuals are excellent, the rhythm of the narrative comes and goes. Read it aloud - get someone else to read it aloud. Long sentences are absolutely fine, flowery expression is fine... all of this adds to the atmosphere of the period... but Rhythm is King, no matter what imagery we're conjuring, and it has to be there. e.g. "As the sun rose higher into the sky, sunlight broke through a barrier of clouds; and like water breaking from a dam, the sunlight surged down city streets, around corners, lighting windows and stopping suddenly at a solitary individual walking along a vacant avenue." - that's bliss. Imagery is perfect, punctuation spot on and rhythm sublime. But then consider what follows: "A shadowy head of a man lifted, allowing the morning light to drape over his face. By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience. This stranger was dressed in an inspector's attire complete with a hat, a coat, and a chain leading into his vest pocket. Not a tall man but slightly average with arms that swayed as he walked. A slight limp could be seen in his step, like you would see in someone with an ankle sprain caused by a deformity of one leg being slightly shorter than the other." Again the visuals are perfect, but the rhythm here is totally out. Partly through missing punctuation, partly because the sentences haven't been *read out loud*, I suspect (they sound so very different in the head). Consider the slight tweaks of: "A shadowy head of a man lifted, allowing the morning light to drape over his face. By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience. He was dressed in an inspector's attire, complete with hat, coat, and a chain leading into his vest pocket. Not a tall man, but slightly average, with arms that swayed as he walked and a slight limp, born of one leg being slightly shorter than the other." Sorry if this seems nitpicking, but it was what grabbed me during those first chapters. Also I'd consider (purely for this site) splitting your chapters into smaller segments - i.e. break 'em off at the point where you introduce a new heading... it's awful reading long chapters on screen, most of us have to use shorter ones here, no matter what the final book itself would actually look like. I'll come back and read more another time. Your imagery is wonderful and I'm intrigued by the concept...

Dear Jules, ‘The Color of Red’ is an engrossing read. I’ve read a part of the opening chapter and will come back later as time permits. The premise itself is highly intriguing and sufficient to draw the reader’s attention. Your artistic flair is quite evident in your writing as well.You have a way with words. You paint beautiful pictures with them. I’ve rarely come across a piece, which is so visual, rich and evocative. My rating: 6 stars The text has no major flaws except for a bit of over-writing near the beginning, e.g. In the opening paragraph, ‘the door’ has been used 5 times, and ‘Master Redden’ thrice in the first two paragraphs when there’s clearly no one else in the scene so far. No big deal, can be easily fixed. Afterwards, it flowed pretty smoothly. It’s a scary and genuinely interesting story that would compel me to read on. The first chapter though is a tad too long. A few words on your long pitch: It reads more like a book review and less like a pitch. The pitch, my friend, is your first point of contact with your potential reader and therefore very important. It’s meant to be a summary of the plot. A teaser. A very cheeky friend once compared it to a mini skirt, because it reveals almost everything but conceals the main parts. ;-) Please pardon the naughty metaphor. My advice is to make it less explanatory and completely objective, by leaving out your own thoughts and focusing entirely on character and plot. Make sure that you don't 'describe' your story. Best of luck! Regards, AGC

I found this deliciously intriguing, clever, full of atmosphere and extremely well thought out. It's gone on my Watchlist. However, if I was editing this on a professional basis, I'd be cutting a lot of odd words and reshaping some ungainly sentences. The writing would then become considerably tighter and more edgy. For instance - how about "Reeking of alcohol, he panted as he struggled to close the door," much more succinct than your own - and you can't have "The bright moon shone brightly ---" - cut one 'bright' - or preferably both. "The carpet below," - well we can guess it's below - "The master sighed, feeling exhaused." He doesn't have to FEEL exhausted - just cut 'feeling'. And "Shake off his worries" - you don't need to explain the additional "from his mind," - we KNOW where worries originate. How about "The teardrop of flaming light floated, igniting the three candles." (Tighter than your much longer, rather clumsy sentence.) And this continues --- why not "A man's voice" instead of "voice of a man." ? It's your delightful story - and so totally up to you. But your writing could really benefit. It's so good - worth making better.

A study in scarlet, indeed. At first I was reminded of Nathaniel Hawthorne, particularly, of course, 'The Scarlet Letter', and I began to search for clues of character weakness or lack of a moral sense that would guide me to the murderer. Then I began to notice how subtly you introduce the colour red into your narrative - naming the main characters Redden, Rouge, Rose, Scarlette - and the final scene in the blood-soaked butcher's shop became filmic [I was reminded of Peter Greenaway's 'The Cook, the Thief, his Wife and her Lover' in which the same moral vaccuum seems to pervade the atmosphere. Finally, I came to your challenge - to construct my own conclusion. All seem equally plausible. I am no Sherlock Holmes, but this is a most diverting read. Thank you, yours, Pan.

[QUOTE] A nineteenth-century style of narrative in What Happens in Candlelight, means there’s no sense of drama. The narrator intrudes too much. Starting with the announcement of a death kills any sense that the story is going to be worth investing time in. In the line, “Turning the knob, he opened the door and stepped into the comfort of his seemingly empty room” you already say the room isn’t empty, spoiling the suspense. In What Happens When Music Stops the narrative becomes overpowering and judgmental, literally telling the reader what to think, “The building’s fervent lighting and beating affluent pulse made a viewer feel as though the building lived and breathed money”. There’s nothing left to the imagination. There are also the problems of shifting point-of-view that make it difficult for the reader: “The woman grimly grimaced from behind her mask” How can the reader see her grin? She’s behind a mask. In What Happens When Bodies Float, the whole story appears to be given away in the opening as they, “Unknowingly stepped into the greatest nightmare of their lives”. The dialogue must reflect friction between characters to be believable. Instead, your dialogue reads like an exchange all written by the same person. Nothing distinguishes the characters. [ENDQUOTE] First off, I write from the objective perspective. 1) Candlelight -The effect is a popular mystery technique of introducing suspense by telling the reader that the room is not empty, but the question lingers as to what is in it? The intruding of the narrator works quite well in mystery novels. Telling the reader what the character's themselves do not yet know, but leaves out enough to remain in suspense is an effective strategy. Many successful teen and young adult novels rely heavily upon an intrusive narration. 2)Music Stops -The average reader is not creative enough to know what you are thinking and trying to imagine a world without description is the same as looking a white sheet of paper saying it is a polar bear in a snow storm eating powdered donuts (impossible to see without an effective description). In my description of a house I describe the house from the character's perspective as well as the outsiders perspective. This doesn't mean I am giving you mathematical dimensions on how to build it. Anything read in the mind is imagined. To not describe the world leaves the reader in a blank white-less void of emptiness and lack of creative writing. If, like you claim, I was taking all imagination from the reader, I would say the building was white, had 300 bedrooms, a window in the west corner of each room, each room was 8X8 feet...Clearly you have not much literature to know that because you describe something it does not destroy to the reader's imagination. Too little or not enough is a lack in the author's imagination, which is a sad place to be. Grinning behind a mask. Something written as fiction imitates the real world (not completely). Logically the character may not see the smiling behind the mask, but it adds to the reader's view of the character and the art of suspense. 3)Bodies Float -Again suspense. If we were to get the whole story in one sentence, the the reason for book summaries and pitches would be meaningless. Agatha Christie used the same effect. The craft of building a story is where the beauty lies. Ask yourself, do we need to read a book if we can just read the back cover summary?

A nineteenth-century style of narrative in What Happens in Candlelight, means there’s no sense of drama. The narrator intrudes too much. Starting with the announcement of a death kills any sense that the story is going to be worth investing time in. In the line, “Turning the knob, he opened the door and stepped into the comfort of his seemingly empty room” you already say the room isn’t empty, spoiling the suspense. In What Happens When Music Stops the narrative becomes overpowering and judgmental, literally telling the reader what to think, “The building’s fervent lighting and beating affluent pulse made a viewer feel as though the building lived and breathed money”. There’s nothing left to the imagination. There are also the problems of shifting point-of-view that make it difficult for the reader: “The woman grimly grimaced from behind her mask” How can the reader see her grin? She’s behind a mask. In What Happens When Bodies Float, the whole story appears to be given away in the opening as they, “Unknowingly stepped into the greatest nightmare of their lives”. The dialogue must reflect friction between characters to be believable. Instead, your dialogue reads like an exchange all written by the same person. Nothing distinguishes the characters.

I read most of the story you have listed under chapter 1. I think the story is really good! You have some very imaginative ideas, with the detective that can only see red, and the murder of Master Redden. I liked the beginning where you were counting the "feet' before his death. I found it made the story more suspenseful, a very good literary technique. You might want to go through it and watch for repeated words. You also switch tenses occasionally, something I'm still trying to elliminate in my own story. Some of your dialogue seems out of place for your time period. Oh and they would mention the "stink" of the body sooner. After two days it would be unbearable in that room..I mean eyes would water, coughing, etc. Maybe you should mention they'd opened a window, something. This somewhat reminds me of the Father Brown mysteries of G K Chesterton. I enjoyed reading about your Inspector Rouge. Good luck! Georgia The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I SPY and YARG review Hi, Jules. I read several of the first sections. You write very well, with a great storyline in progress. So many things already are tied together in this story. It was a great idea making your MC colorblind, and having his last name Rouge was a good idea--sort of ironic and funny. I enjoyed reading this book. It has a classic storyline that has been used before, but it had new characters, new twists, and new ideas that kept it from being cliche. Nice job! ;) Noelle

I really like this story. I found parts of the dialogue a little hard to believe (I realise that it was set in a different time, but some of the phrases I just didn't buy), and the American spellings and names with an English setting grated a bit (that's just my opinion though!) but the story overall was fantastic! It is a lot more complex than a lot of the YA fiction I have read, and I think adults would enjoy reading it too. Your pitch is very catchy, and I love your descriptions. I also loved the mixture of crime/mystery/thriller and romance, and the ending was satisfying. Great work!

[QUOTE] ch 1 is too long to my humble opinion, but I'll back it because it's good. Hope you'll read mine. [ENDQUOTE] Clarification for all who read the work: I do not use chapters. Each part is a whole story segmented by breaks in changing scenery. Putting it on this website makes people think I have chapters, but in in reality each story is simply a long "chapter" that has been broken down (see "..." for breaks in changing subject). If I were to turn each of these into a chapter, the chapter numbers would reach into the 200s which would make it worse. Once you reach the end of each part/story you will understand my reasoning.

ch 1 is too long to my humble opinion, but I'll back it because it's good. Hope you'll read mine.

Well done! I love how the story comes together and WE get to choose. At first I wasn't keen on the length of the chapters, but as I continued reading I realized that it's necessary. 6 stars for overall concept and style, those books are always the good ones ;) This book reminds me of Clue the movie. For the -ly words. Like the two before me, be careful BUT I like them in your story because, well, it's probably just me, as you read it, you can hear the accent. So leave a few :P

Thank you everyone for your comments! I do like to point out this is a mystery book for young adult readers.

The Color of Red - by Jules Haigler You can always go back and make adjustments to a story even after it's been published. I always strive to make my work better, even after 1,000 re-reads. I agree with J_Jammer regarding the ly-adverbs. All of the modifiers make for tedious reading and are better replaced with actions from your characters. It allows you to develop a more colorful prose and gives the reader a much more enjoyable experience. "Action speaks louder than words". Word choice is extremely important for correctness of meaning and for dramatic affect. For example: "...lighting windows and stopping suddenly at a solitary individual walking along a dormant avenue." The word dormant is what I call a highly exposed adjective, and I am not sure it is the correct term. I might have used the word vacant. Unfolding drama, and how you reveal clues to your reader is the element that makes good reading. Your story starts with the declaration that Mr. Redden is five feet from his death. At the end of the 4th paragraph you then state: "Little did the master know that this illumination would be the last his eyes would ever see." For the sake of drama, I am not sure the reader needs this reminder of Master Redden's demise. All of the above aside, there is a good story here. Keep writing (and editing), and posting here on other sites where you can obtain critical analysis. It's how we all get better at this craft. I am going to give you good stars and back this. I will return to see if this improves in the future. P Alan Davis The Red Poppy Raindancer

I really like the style of this. Instantly backed and I will definitely be reading on. Best of luck with your efforts.

Jules, I started reading ch1 of the colour of red. I like the constant references to all things red, the names, the different colour tines etc. I do think that there is quite a lot that can be improved though. The way that the master keeps shouting in the first few paragraphs does not ring true. A few expletives amid the description would probably suffice and would sound more genuine. I struggled to see why you needed the light from outside to tell us how the Master looked, and it would sound better something like this: "A small amount of light was coming in through the windows and illuminated the untrimmed beard and thin timid face of the diminuitive Mater." Try to be more economical with your words, and find ways to tell us about the character that does not look so obvious. Clearly you need to describe things, but the trick is to find the right way - don't worry, i struggle too. Best regards Warrick