Audrey, Thank you for your note. I usually get comments that I am not showing enough or going into detail enough. Later in the book Antonio has harder time to keep his eyes off his shortcoming. Most of those who read these chapters did not have any problems, or at least did not mention any. The intent is to show rather than just tell. That is the problem most people tell me. They wanted to be shown what these characters are like not just told. I am sorry that this offended you. That was not the intent, but only to show his shortcomings. I have only had one other say it is too much. It is a balancing act. Thanks again for your input. I will need to revise it again. Don R. Budd [QUOTE] CCRG Review: I read the first chapter of your book. I almost stopped reading before I completed it. I think that the homosexual tendencies of your MC could be stated without the visual assistance that you have provided. I was uncomfortable with it, and you could possibly be losing a valuable readership because of it. It would be the same for me if you had an MC that was into prostitution. You can tell me that someone is a hooker without putting her in the room with a John, (or a Jane either, for that matter). Same principle, I believe. It was the sexual connotation that was the problem to me, gender aside. I think for the sake of modesty in this instance less description would be more valuable in the long run. By the time that Keith flexed his muscles a few times (for Tonelli's pleasure) I was done reading. It didn't seem necessary to me. I guess it just depends on your audience on how it will be received. From a Christian perspective I found it unpleasant. (Please note though that I really am quite old-fashioned and I don't read too many Romance novels either.) I did have a thought on the dialogue for you. I found that you have used 'Asks', and 'Says' repeatedly. Maybe you could possibly find other ways to use the dialogue tags, like: responded, exerted, exasperated; things like that to give the reader the knowledge that they need without overly using the words like ask, or said, or says. Perhaps you can attribute some dialogue by proximity. IE: In your opening dialogue: "Not in person," says Beelzebub as he watches Tonelli. The action is attributed to Beelzebub, and the reader will most likely understand that it was Beelzebub who had just spoken. I could see it being written, "No, not in person." Beelzebub watches Tonelli eye the young man that is with him. I wish you well with this piece. Audrey Semprun Crooked Places Straight, Straight Talk about Hard Places The Back Track Conspiracies [ENDQUOTE]

CCRG Review: I read the first chapter of your book. I almost stopped reading before I completed it. I think that the homosexual tendencies of your MC could be stated without the visual assistance that you have provided. I was uncomfortable with it, and you could possibly be losing a valuable readership because of it. It would be the same for me if you had an MC that was into prostitution. You can tell me that someone is a hooker without putting her in the room with a John, (or a Jane either, for that matter). Same principle, I believe. It was the sexual connotation that was the problem to me, gender aside. I think for the sake of modesty in this instance less description would be more valuable in the long run. By the time that Keith flexed his muscles a few times (for Tonelli's pleasure) I was done reading. It didn't seem necessary to me. I guess it just depends on your audience on how it will be received. From a Christian perspective I found it unpleasant. (Please note though that I really am quite old-fashioned and I don't read too many Romance novels either.) I did have a thought on the dialogue for you. I found that you have used 'Asks', and 'Says' repeatedly. Maybe you could possibly find other ways to use the dialogue tags, like: responded, exerted, exasperated; things like that to give the reader the knowledge that they need without overly using the words like ask, or said, or says. Perhaps you can attribute some dialogue by proximity. IE: In your opening dialogue: "Not in person," says Beelzebub as he watches Tonelli. The action is attributed to Beelzebub, and the reader will most likely understand that it was Beelzebub who had just spoken. I could see it being written, "No, not in person." Beelzebub watches Tonelli eye the young man that is with him. I wish you well with this piece. Audrey Semprun Crooked Places Straight, Straight Talk about Hard Places The Back Track Conspiracies

Interesting first chapter here; I find myself a little hesitant at the homosexual tendencies of Antonio, but I'll have to read more to see where it goes. I'm sure this is the kind of people Satan would want under his thumb. Did notice the use of traffic twice in the first sentence which distracts the reader a bit; suggest using a different word. Also, you used a comma after But at the end of that chapter; not necessary...these are just minor things any editor will pick up on. Your writing flows well and you've done a good job of laying out the opening scene.

This is interesting and has different settings. The piece moves a long very well and has a good pace. It draws the reader in because they are curious about what this is all about. I think you did a very good job with this. Your words flow easily off the page. Good work and best wishes. Shelby Z./Driving Winds P.S. When you have time, please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Thank you for your write up. I don't think I have a very good ear for words. I am deaf. I lost my hearing in the 1990's. I do still like to enjoy things like anyone else. I just adapt to my deafness. I hear sound, but not words. It's deafness in the brain not the ears. Would you mind rating the story in stars. It would surely be appreciated. Thanks again for your critique. [QUOTE] Don, What an intriguing tale, Beelzebub setting up an earth-based franchise of his conglomerate and recruting those he can control, to man it. At the same time, a youthful foursome, steeped in Christian fortitude, get ready to counter what the Devil has to throw at the world. You'e structured your story around dialogue and for a good reason, you have ear for the spoken word, your sentetences apt and reflective of your characters. . Thank you so much for sharing. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean [ENDQUOTE]

Don, What an intriguing tale, Beelzebub setting up an earth-based franchise of his conglomerate and recruting those he can control, to man it. At the same time, a youthful foursome, steeped in Christian fortitude, get ready to counter what the Devil has to throw at the world. You'e structured your story around dialogue and for a good reason, you have ear for the spoken word, your sentetences apt and reflective of your characters. . Thank you so much for sharing. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean