Hi Gavel I came back for more as on my watchlist so I thought Id leave another comment. Again nice flow and you have moved the plot forward with this section - and again left a hook with the Dawning - I want to know how it goes from here so I will read on so thats job well done in my opinion. Some nice descriptive writing in this chapter - I espceially liked the mausoleum tower of chicken bones. Good work. I will comment again as I read on. Derek The Angel Chord

hi Gavel I enjoyed this first chapter - well written and some nice description, Nice flow and believable dialogue. I thought you did a good job of showing and not telling with the onion chopping - came out well and it indicated the undulating tension nicely. I think you need to do what Molly says tho "Spit it out Gavel" and get the hook into your first chapter - at the end of it I'm still at a loss as to what he wants from her and getting a hook in ASAP is crucial I reckon as even if brilliant writing many agents wont read beyond chapter 1 to find it. Very neat and manicured MS - only spotted one grammatical - at end -"I skipped after her with a grin that could spines, and quite often did." I assume you intended a word between "could" and "spines" ? tingle or shiver or whatever? Good job. Starred and on my watchlist. Derek The Angel Chord

hi Gavel I enjoyed this first chapter - well written and some nice description, Nice flow and believable dialogue. I thought you did a good job of showing and not telling with the onion chopping - came out well and it indicated the undulating tension nicely. I think you need to do what Molly says tho "Spit it out Gavel" and get the hook into your first chapter - at the end of it I'm still at a loss as to what he wants from her and getting a hook in ASAP is crucial I reckon as even if brilliant writing many agents wont read beyond chapter 1 to find it. Very neat and manicured MS - only spotted one grammatical - at end -"I skipped after her with a grin that could spines, and quite often did." I assume you intended a word between "could" and "spines" ? tingle or shiver or whatever? Good job. Starred and on my watchlist. Derek The Angel Chord

Hello Authonomy! Thanks for taking the time to give the exert a glance. Essentially, this is 8 chapters of a novella, with appendix for character comprehension and part of the prologue draft. The letter in the last part is to be the epilogue. What I'd like to get feedback on, asides grammar and the usual, is should I end the novella where it ends, and work on expanding the scenes as they are...several thousand words are coming as a description of Rodham from Gavel's mouth himself (a Brief History with a hint of sarcasm as an introduction) and some tidying... I dunno, let it rip I suppose, thanks! Cyd