Hi David, This first chapter was scary stuff! I felt my toes curling when the werzidire drew close. This is so well-written and imaginative. Placed on my WL and highly-starred. M.J The Magpie King

We have all been there, trying to sell too many turnips, caught late for coming home! Work smart, not hard fellow writers! Love the title. Rian Torr New London Masquerade

Good afternoon! We've all been there - caught with no choice but to walk through a dark forest when you really should be safe at home. You detail the experience so carefully and I feel like I'm right there on the back of the cart watching the whole thing. I always get ten times more terrified when I see an animal close by acting strange or frightened (they have much better instincts than we do!). WOW! Now, this is how you write a good suspense. I'm feeling "thrilled" by this story so far. Hmm.. perhaps I can steal some style tricks from you! Love the way this is written so far, especially in the dialogue with "b-beg for your p-p-protection." That's something I need to incorporate into the scary scenes of my book. Overall, your writing is easy enough to read quickly (in that you get right to the point) and dangerous enough to feel worthwhile. I love a book that can freak me out a little bit (like reading Dracula in the dark for the first time). This is a story that I wouldn't read to my kids because it is too scary. It seems to be like the exorcism of a town. At the same time, I WOULD read it to my kids because I know they would just sneak it behind my back - it's that damn good. This is another book that if it doesn't turn into a blockbuster book then you should try to sell it as a movie script... scary movies are lacking these days and could use a great story like this. Cool word ... "werzidire" - How did you come up with it? In a way, your story is reminding me of a scary movie or video game where ghastly beasts are on the prowl but the townspeople aren't quite sure about it yet. It is always a good mix when there are believers and non-believers (obviously the non-believers always get killed!). I like the religious/cute little farmer man getting eaten alive in the first scene - lots of bang for your buck. You definitely don't wait long for the action to happen. I could use tips from you on how to get there with my book!!

Good afternoon! We've all been there - caught with no choice but to walk through a dark forest when you really should be safe at home. You detail the experience so carefully and I feel like I'm right there on the back of the cart watching the whole thing. I always get ten times more terrified when I see an animal close by acting strange or frightened (they have much better instincts than we do!). WOW! Now, this is how you write a good suspense. I'm feeling "thrilled" by this story so far. Hmm.. perhaps I can steal some style tricks from you! Love the way this is written so far, especially in the dialogue with "b-beg for your p-p-protection." That's something I need to incorporate into the scary scenes of my book. Overall, your writing is easy enough to read quickly (in that you get right to the point) and dangerous enough to feel worthwhile. I love a book that can freak me out a little bit (like reading Dracula in the dark for the first time). This is a story that I wouldn't read to my kids because it is too scary. It seems to be like the exorcism of a town. At the same time, I WOULD read it to my kids because I know they would just sneak it behind my back - it's that damn good. This is another book that if it doesn't turn into a blockbuster book then you should try to sell it as a movie script... scary movies are lacking these days and could use a great story like this. Cool word ... "werzidire" - How did you come up with it? In a way, your story is reminding me of a scary movie or video game where ghastly beasts are on the prowl but the townspeople aren't quite sure about it yet. It is always a good mix when there are believers and non-believers (obviously the non-believers always get killed!). I like the religious/cute little farmer man getting eaten alive in the first scene - lots of bang for your buck. You definitely don't wait long for the action to happen. I could use tips from you on how to get there with my book!!

This was a great read. I was kept on edge almost all the way through, and would love to find out how it's all wrapped up in conclusion! Love the 'mute' monk, think it works very interestingly. So many little hooks and side stories that keep interest and create mystery. Enjoyed the descriptions, the dialogue and the pace... felt they all worked together to bring together a great work. High stars! Tara Adams Wife to Brett, Dark Matter Ch1 The gentleman gestured reverently toward a fat, pompous-looking man at the head of the table, who had a large, cooked bird lying on a platter before him. Viscount Thundrij tilted his head in acknowledgement of the visitors, before resuming his attack on a greasy leg of chicken In my humble opinion a chicken is not a particularly large cooked bird...:) Ch2 he is known by many upon the surface as the hammer of the dwarves Should this be a proper noun? Ch3 The vine stretched and smoked, its strength tested almost to its limits, before Sarabeth cast a final coil around the demon's body. At this stage the Vorrid is laying down I think, is the casting of the vine also magical that it can pass under its body? Ch4 fell to the floor like an oversized domino. domino feels a little out of place in this world... The rest of the wolves joined the toast Wolves? You silly arse!’ Howler sniped. ‘Monks don’t drink ale! It took me a moment to realise Howler wasn't addressing the monk.

David, You have done a great job with your descriptions. "like a wolf torn lamb" and "rabbit from a fox hole". Your writing skill and storytelling is top notch. I like that you placed a value on time in library and on the taking of a book. What you posted ended with the curiosity of the reader. Very good work. Steven Fly at the Horizon

Hi David, I came across this by accident, and am really glad that I did. I'm a fantasy geek and you've hit that nail completely on the head. You have the fantasy, the adventure, the contrast of good and evil down very well - the only thing that I'm upset about is that there are only 5 chapters to read!!! I'm giving you 6 stars and adding you to my WL - this deserves some backing. Hopefully you'll be uploading more to read, then I'll make some space on my shelf. It's really epic so far. Best of luck, Dekkle.

You should certainly rewrite your pitch because it doesn not do your story justice. I think it a bad idea to copy and past a part of the book in our pitch. In yours, you didn't pick a paragraph that was interesting (although it was well used withing the story). That said, you writie very well. The first chapter was awesome. It set a mood, and visual imagerie that is what storytelling is all about. The rest of the story had an easy flow and kept the reader's attention. Great job. Many stars. Abby

This had me from the start. The prologue is engaging, drawing the reader into the world you've created, and the intriguing storyline kept me reading up until the end of the uploaded chapters. This is extremely well written, with a good balance of description and dialogue throughout and some gripping action scenes. I could honestly find nothing to criticise in your writing; you immerse the reader in the world without any excessive backstory to hinder the action, and the scenes are very well-paced. The dialogue is convincing with the medieval setting, and the writing is fluent and polished. This is brilliant, compulsive reading - you've created an original and vivid fantasy world that kept me entranced up until the end. I can see why this has so many backers; I'll be giving it six stars and keeping it watchlisted until I can find room on my shelf! Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Great stuff, David. I've got your book on my watchlist and promise to read more of it soon. Even the title is inviting. High stars. Keep up the good work. - C.A. Simonsen

You had me at a witch, a monk, and a renegade. Throw in Tyrion Lannister or a re-incarnation of the dwarf's razor sharp wit and this would really kick ass. But seriously, writing is top notch, the world you created quite good, and the characters on a "Game Of Thrones" level good. I will read on and provide a more thorough review.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

So sorry it took so long to write my comment--but on the bright side I'll be backing the book once I've finished typing :). Your style, pace and voice are excellent and the structure so far is likewise. The plot is compelling--I wish there was more, as I'm keen to learn more about the queen, and to know how Sarabeth and Nayul are going to go about destroying her, and convincing the iron wolves to do the same. Sarabeth and Nayul, incidentally, are very well written and compelling characters, and while for now the members of the wolves seem a little industinguishable, I imagine there'll be time for more character development later in the novel. All around an excellent fantasy piece, would gladly read more of it!

This is a great premise with a gripping prologue. You have a good cast of characters and i particularly like Sarabeth. She has something about her that sets her apart and i was intrigued to find out more. The dialogue is good and the writing polished to a high standard. How i did find the first few lines of the prologue a little slow going and it was confusing when characters were mentioned whom the reader had not yet been introduced to. Also although Sarabeth intrigued me, it wasn't enough to persuade me to read more than a couple of chapters. For me the thing that really pulls me into a book is a gripping plot with an mc who sticks in my head and whom i want to follow throughout the plot. Although the action here is gripping and excellently described, i just didn't get that sense with Sarabeth, maybe i need to read more to gain a better sense of who she is as she seems to be a character with multiple layers that are revealed slowly. However, it is clear why many have enjoyed this and i cannot fault your descriptions of the battle. I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this. Amyy :)

Hello David, Sometimes I rate books based on how much horse-related content there is. You have a mule in Chapter 1, and your Chapter 3 is titled Hoof and Horn and really delves into equine matters. During my next pass, I will count how many times a horse or horses are mentioned in your story and assess you accordingly based on that. The story itself is fantastic--I plan to ride it all the way to the Editor's Desk next month. Keep the faith, and thank you for giving horses the attention they demand. Sincerely, ILoveHorses

David A well written fantasy tale with vivid descriptive prose. Though not my kind of book I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first couple of chapters. The book is well deserved of many stars. Thank you for allowing us to take part in this fantasy world. You will go far with this one. Blessings, Joy God's Gracious Gift

I read what you have posted, and I think you have a wonderfully imagined and grippingly vivid story here! It's fast-paced without leaving the audience in the dust, and you do a great job of transporting the reader into a fantastical yet believable world. The narrative is well-written, and I didn't notice any blatant typos or grammatical errors (although I wasn't really looking for line edits) other than one minor inconsistency: I think you should capitalize "wolves" when referring to the Iron Wolves, since it's a name. Your dialogue is also somewhat stiff in some places. Although it could be because of the archaic lilt with which these medieval characters speak, I just feel as though it seems more natural in some places than others. The parts that really bugged me were the parts where you insert definitions and explanations into the dialogue (for example, when Grolaf is talking about the blood-gold). I know a lot of fantasy books use this technique, but it always seems forced and unnatural. Simply including that information in the narration - or even the characters' internal thoughts - would be better, in my opinion. Other than that, I think you have a very well crafted story here, and you do a great job of creating suspense. I can see this finding many fans both in and out of the fantasy-loving community. Good luck with this! Cheers, M. Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hello David- The keeper of the sightless eye- I was very much impressed with this book, after reading the five chapters posted. It is an out and out fantasy adventure and in itself very original- You have a good way of creating a picture that lingers in the mind's eye- this book will do very well for it's intended market- tom bye book - from hugs to kisses-

Hi David, I owe you an apology. About a month ago, you had given me some great, helpful feedback. I had intended on reading yours, but haven’t done so and realized I’d never put yours on my WL! I’m here now. So sorry it’s taken this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and feel free to disregard what you don’t agree with. Prologue “as a dark shape” since you’ve already referenced a dark shape and it’s the same dark shape (or at least that’s how I read it), “the dark shape” would be more appropriate here. “saw the creature on the track” might drop “on the track” here since you’ve already set the figure on the track and haven’t yet moved it. I would make “soon he could hear Bessy screaming in the dark” a new sentence, as this is a long, almost tedious sentence for the tenseness of the situation. If he sees the figure in the light, shouldn’t he be able to see something a little more distinct about it? After all, he already saw the creature above and (presumably) out of the light when it dropped in front of them. Why mention that he sees it in the light if you’re not going to mention something distinguishable about it, even if what is distinguishable is a small thing? “Never before had he heard an animal scream like that.” Might it be possible to describe this through simile, as it gets a bit into telling? Granted, if it’s something “he had never heard before,” this might be tough to pull off, but a simile could be done. I might be nitpicking too much, though. I see later that this is a holy pendant. Might call it a holy pendant here and just a pendant later for clarification. “piercing screech” is a little redundant, as “screech” means to make a harsh, shrill cry and “piercing” and “shrill” are synonymous. “A piercing screech” You might consider parsing out some of the longer sentences in this paragraph into shorter ones to reflect the fast-paced tension that’s occurring. “Galmer wailed with fear” Delete “with fear” as it’s already clear that he’s wailing in fear, since you haven’t established that there is any pain (yet). It will tighten the sentence and keep it to showing vs. telling. “Still half-kneeling” While it might be implied that he’s already half-kneeling, you haven’t exactly established that yet, only that he’s trying to get to his feet. As far as the reader knows, he could still be lying on the ground. For that reason, I’d drop “still” here. I must admit, I have no idea what chittering means. It doesn’t show up as a recognizable word in my spell check and I can’t find it in my dictionaries. Is it British slang or something I’m not familiar with? I’ve heard of chitter, which is a verb and means to chatter, but never chittering as an adjective. If the creature had nostrils, it had a nose. A nose is simply the part of the face that contains nostrils and the organs for smelling. It does not necessarily need to include a bridge. A great start, David. This reminds me of the prologue in my story (so of course I’m going to love it ;)). Excellent descriptions and storytelling. Highly starred and I’ll be glad to add it to my shelf when space becomes available. Sorry again for my delay in getting to this! All the best, Phil (Deshay of the Woods)

Hi there, I like the prologue a lot. The writing is clean and very well done. The action sequences flow well and clearly show what is happening in the story. Below are a few things I thought I would mention. These are only suggestions for you to think about so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. '...awful, chittering growl': I am not sure about using 'awful' here, as it really doesn't tell us much about the actual sound you're writing about. I'm assuming that a 'chittering growl' is menacing and awful, so you might consider dropping it. Instead, perhaps you could describe what chittering sounds like since I actually have no idea. :) 'hideous head' is another example. You already describe the beast and it's clear it is hideous, so it just seems redundant. I might suggest dropping 'hideous' or find a better descriptive word, like 'sloping head' or 'pointed head' or something that further describes the beast. '...twisted hybrid of a man...' I like this description a lot. It's very descriptive, producing a clear image. Though I think 'hybrid' might be a little too modern a term to use for the era. One last suggestion: you might consider making, '...the sounds of feeding filled the night,' into its own sentence, maybe on a line of its own in order to give it more punch. I have no idea how 'correct' that is, but I thought I would mention it. It's a great line and should be better emphasized in order to end the prologue with more bite. Anyway, those are small things. Over all, I really like this and wish I had more time to read. In the meantime, I will star and back the book. Best regards, Dyane The Purple Morrow The Eagle's Gift

The Keeper of the Sightless Eye David Southam I read the Prologue and Chapter 1 and I can say, this is a terrific start. The prologue is nicely done; the tension is supreme. Chapter 1 proved to be a great read too. I especially love the names of your characters and place names. On the whole, very impressed. Six-stars and best wishes to you! :) Ivan The Haunted The Beholder

This is not my usual genre but I am loving what I have read so far. In chapter 2 'The demon comes' you totally took my imagination. A total fantasy world wonderfully created. I love your use of words ( werzidires) brilliant. Highly starred on my watchlist.

{The Keeper of the Sightless Eye} – David Southam Prologue: Wow, what an action-packed, fast-paced opening to the story! You build the tension and atmosphere well, and the writing is smooth and polished. I like the slight infusion of background information regarding the ‘Black Witch’ – you give a taster of your fabulous imagination, without overwhelming the reader by all sorts of unnecessary details. Really felt like I was right there in the scene - great job. A few humble suggestions hope you’ll find useful! I’d merge two sentences to read ‘He had stayed too long at the market in Ratten Row, and berated himself for being such a fool.’ – smoother maybe? I’d have ‘but the stories…’ as a sentence on its own and rearrange as follows: “But nonetheless, the stories put the spooks into people.” I thought shorter and snappier, and changing the word order results in more emphasis placed in ‘spooks into people’ – this is the last thought we as readers are left with! I’d say; ‘He jumped as the sound of a branch snapping assaulted his hearing.” – more active maybe? Also I like the word assaulted, or maybe something else like ‘pierced’ to create more of an ominous mood. I’d say ‘The mule hesitated’ to eliminate the passive voice of ‘was hesitant’ – this could also go in a new para. I’d say ‘Then his shoulder smashed into the trunk of a sturdy oak, and a grunt of pain tore from his lips. The tree’s root caught his toes, casting him mercilessly down to the earth and leaving him sprawled upon the ground.’ All the best, look forward to reading more! Cara The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

I like it, although the pace keeps me from feeling like I know the characters. I've only read the first three chapters though, so bear that in mind =) Loved the first chapter, creepy the way I like it! The second keeps the pace up for sure, but it felt a little like I was in a role-playing game and got my assignment to do a Quest. Not a bad thing, just perhaps could be spiced up with a deeper feel for the characters. I saw a commenter below mentioned "hells". I like it because it says there are more than the one usual and as long as that's what you intend you should keep it. Good luck! Hege The Silver Bell

David, enjoyed all 5 chapters. you have the beginnings of a wonderful adventure. The characters are intriguing and setting aptly hazy and spooky. wish you continued success with it :) Diane

Keeper of the Sightless Eye. My heart leapt with horror on reading your long pitch - until I re-read it, and saw that Bessy was an animal. But please see below. I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind? Ch.1. Prologue. You have three sentences beginning with 'He' in that first paragraph. Do you mean fighting the reins? 'The cries of terror and agony ended quickly, to be replaced by a wet and brutal sound; the hunter was feeding.' Evokes a truly horrible feeling in my breast. But I dont think you should include this sentence in your pitch -it's too close, and the recollection distracts me - but it is only my opinion. You dont need the 'seemed to' when the roots grasped at his feet. That's some Prologue! Ch.2. (Auth). Glancing down, I see an awful lot of paragraphs starting with 'The'. And there are no fewer than nine adjectives in the two short sentences where a woman accompanies the monk! Maybe even for literary fantasy, that's a tad too much!? But your writing is vivid and colourful and despite the confusion of numerous new characters, I find myself drawn in. I dont think you need to repeat the information about the monk. A bit of a thumpy chapter conclusion when the fat lord fainted and they vacate the hall - would sweep out be better? I cant believe you mean to introduce a hint of humour here? Ch.3. Your words dont have the same dramatic impact as in the Prologue, but the plot moves swiftly onwards, and although the character introductions are somewhat formalised, they stand vividly in my mind's eye. You've changed the spelling of Greaves?Grieves? And I thought there was only one girl? But perhaps I havent read carefully enough. I seem to have found so many nits - but they're all easily remedied, and I am enjoying your story, which gallops along in colourful fashion. Your descriptions are strong. But the account of the battle is a bit disjointed. Would it flow better for the reader if you told it from one viewpoint, instead of the many? Oh-ho - threatening torture, and reneging promises... can I still identify with Sarabeth...? So many questions! I hope this helps, and thankyou for the read. Jane (Breath of Africa)

I like this a lot. I am reading at work which means I go back and forth from reading to work to reading to work and still doing that I could easily follow your story. Which is important to me because this is how I do most my reading. The prologue had me hooked. I will definitely continue reading.

I read your first three chapters. General comments: A gripping start. Sarabeth and Nayul are unique and compelling central characters. Good world building. Vivid visuals. Strong tension. Crisp pacing. Specific comment on the first chapter: 1) 'His legs wobbled and his body shook as he stood slowly and raised his head.' Technically, 'his' refers to the creature. Is that what you intended? Specific comments on the second chapter: 1) Hyphenate 'powerfully built.' 2) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. 3) ' ... and those are the men that serve under me.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'who' when refering to people. 4) Servalt sighed bitterly before he replied 'You have a deal.' Comma after 'replied.' 'Before he replied' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma. Specific comments on the third chapter: 1) The first paragraph in this chapter is written from Sarabeth's point of view. The second paragraph is written from Raegard's point of view. The third paragraph is back to Sarabeth's point of view. For maximum reader enjoyment, it's best to stick with just one point of view per scene. 2) ' ... and took note of the girl that stood at their rear.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'who' when refering to people. I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it? Have a marvelous day, David. Al

THE KEEPER OF THE SIGHTLESS EYE This is a book with an exciting (and scary) beginning. You have a great writing style for this type of story; able to describe peple and settings with enough features a reader knows how things look in this fantasy world; not so much detail you bog down your story. Makes this a good read. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi David, I had your book on my watchlist and somehow removed it before I had a chance to read it. Then, I saw your forum post saying that you were looking for any errors. I've read the chapters you have posted. This is really good. Great writing, interesting characters, and almost flawless. I found only one possible typo (What in the hells is a satyr?). I think hells should be hell. The only other item I thought to comment on is an inconsistency in your speech tags, meaning sometimes you place the name first, and sometimes you place the name last. Here are a few examples: asked Servalt/Dunwald answered/Sarabeth replied/said Raegard. I hope this helps. Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I adore the prologue. And by that I mean I don't adore what happens in it (as it is very scary), but I love the way it is written and how thrilling it is. It reminds me of the opening of Jurassic Park the movie, when one of the raptor capturers is pulled into the cage and killed. We get a taste of what is to come and are pulled in by a very dramatic event but an unimportant character is sacrificed early on. I can picture it all very distinctly, and I believe it would make a wonderful movie. Chapter one plunges us right into the plot. The characters are somewhat introduced, and we can tell a little about their attitudes. I like to take notes on specifics, like grammar/sentence structure, but I have come away from this MS with no notes! Wonderful imagination and powerful writing! -Cassandra Porter LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

Hi David, I read the first two and a half chapters, counting the prologue. You are a very talented writer and storyteller. As an impatient reader, I appeciated the seamless flow of the story (starting with the grabber of an opening paragraph), the short chapters, the motley cast of mostly courageous characters, and the building tension. Six stars for now, and I will place this on my shelf at the first opportunity as that is where the books I want to read more of go. Not a criticism but a question: In the opening scene, is the merchant Galmer so frightened that he is unable to act in any way to try to stop the slaughter of his beloved mule? I'd like to think that if my dog or any animal I'd grown close to were being slaughtered I might develop some courage to at least throw a stone or, in Galmer's case, a gourd? at the predator. Great story, and good luck with it. Dean Lombardo

Enjoyed what I read. nicely done. Paul J

David, I've just finished reading your chapters, and am quite positive about what you have here. The opening chapter with Galmer is engaging, and realistically presented, especially for a character in a magical/supernatural environment. Overall, the descriptions are just the right length, the balance between dialogue and action keeps the pace going, and making it easy for me to picture the action happening in a movie. You are adept at providing background information on your world without overloading the reader with too much information. I also like that the dialogue is for the most part down to earth, not totally faux-Shakespearean. I’m not normally into pure fantasy realms, but this was appealing and attention-grabbing enough for me to want to keep reading, and I like the mix of established creatures like satyrs as well as the imagined ones, and it's a nice touch to have different people calling them different things. And your character interaction is a highlight as well, particularly between Sarabeth and Nayul, and Raegard with everyone else :-). I also want to see more of Sketch in future chapters. All in all, very good work here, and I'm looking forward to reading where your story goes...

This is really good. The pace and flow is excellent. I found myself having to keep reading so as to find out what was happening next. Keep it up. Definately six stars and on my shelf.

Chapter 2 makes me a little worried about your pacing. The writing is still easy to read and without errors. However the story begins to feel a tad rushed here, and this makes the dialogue supporting it also feel rushed and therefore not quite authentic to my ears. Over the course of two paragraphs you had what to me would have been a full chapter worth of material (as well as the cliffhanger), i.e. where the lord bellows out his disbelief only the next second to have a small horde of armed men barge in and instantly show proof that the threat is real. I'd love to see the dialogue between the council and their visitors be more realistic, drawn out and unrushed, with the intrusion of the armed man as a cliffhanger at the end perhaps. Again, this is all just one person's opinion.

Just finished chapter one. Your writing is smooth and error free so far, and the subject matter is of course one that I love, even if weres have never been my favorite type of fantasy creature. I was jolted to a halt while reading only twice, when you used the words 'werzidires' and 'coriaceous'. I had to look them up. The first must be your invention. It's not a word that flows over the tongue, and I kept wanting to see it as a bad misspelling of 'wizards'. I can see using words that your readers have never seen in lit fic, but I'd be careful about using them in genre fiction, but that's just my opinion. Moving on to the second chapter now.

I've read the first two chapters and enjoyed them. They were polished too, I couldn't pick up on any typos or grammar/punctuation errors. I only really had one issue with what I read. You have very good imagery, but I think sometimes you might go a little overboard with it, which is a very easy trap to fall into with fantasy (I probably do it a lot myself). Personally I quite like it because I enjoy seeing/hearing things the way the author intended, but at the same time it sort of has a negative impact on how...mature and professional the book feels to me. Anyway an example of this: Galmer screamed like his slaughtered mule as a coriaceous canopy of wings imprisoned him and savage claws ensnared his flesh. (I have to admit I don't even know what coriaceous means! To me this sentence would be more effective if it you removed the words "coriaceous" and "savage". And maybe use a more boring word in place of "ensnared". "Ripped" for instance). One other point: Cloven fists? Is such a thing really possible? I can't imagine it. I would like to continue reading this book and I will be shelving it. Good luck. S Carter DOMUS INTER

I love the new Cover!

A really fast paced opener. I love the werzidires and think your pitch is strong, especially the Prepare yourself for War line. Got to pick you up on having coriaceous and voracious in the same paragraph at the end though. I can't decide if it's too much or just wonderfully OTT. Sure this one will go far, Best, Kate

Here is my half of our read-swap. All of what I read was very well written and edited. The dialogue sounds natural. The descriptions aren’t overdone. Very nice. The Prologue: Very suspenseful start. You do a very good job of building the tension. I do have a question about one word choice “an awful, chittering growl.” The word “chittering” doesn’t sound very frightening—it kind of reminds me of the sound a raccoon would make. Not the sound of some huge, terrifying creature. Just a thought. Chapter one: I love the idea of the warrior monks and the Iron Wolves. I was also quite intrigued by Sarabeth’s choice of payment: a book and time in the library—wonderful. You have all of these awesome place and character names and then…Sarabeth. It might be just me, but that name struck me as not fitting in with the rest. Maybe there’s a reason for that? You’ve definitely got me wanting to read more.

David-Fantasy and demons etc isn't usually high on my read list, but this is adicting! Its fast paced and holds ones interest with very vivid descriptions. I gave it a 6 star and its on my watchlist. You have an extraordinary imagination. giggy

One of the best prologues I have read on authonomy. It builds the right level of suspense, and then the action kicks in when the black creature strikes. You manage to grab the attention of the reader with so few words, and we all know how difficult this can be to achieve, so well done for pulling this off. This isn't my genre, but I found it surprisingly enjoyable, so it has earned another backing. The best of luck with your future efforts, and I hope to see you on the desk soon. Marc

How I hoped that Galmer would be spared, you get right to the point, all action well described. I feel the fear and see the scene. Look forward to the next chapter. Christine "Five short stories with a twist"

David. You have created a world as good as Krynn with as much action and suspense as any great fantasy. What I really enjoyed was your names. I don't know how you do it, but names like weridires, Grolaf and Gernaf are genius as well as your use of words such as Gore that leave no doubt in the mind what that creature is. This talent was perfected by JK Rowling and really adds an extra dimesion to your world. Well done and highly rated for ease of reading and good pacing, without bogging down on useful but uninteresting details.

As for the first chapter...YUCK! You pushed my yuck button big time....exactly what you wanted to accomplish. I don't read about werewolves, etc...I'm reading this because you contacted me but I'm glad for it. Your writing flows and the pace is perfect. I can appreciate the difficulty of writing a piece like this, which you would have to know inside out with a lot of preliminary work I assume. You handle it wonderfully, smoothly and professionally to say the least. I hope you make it to the editor's desk; I will be happy to help you get there. Backed. C.S.Poulsen

David, Though I don't read the likes of this, you hooked me right on. This should be in book stores. Great writing, excitement, and description. I will back you. I will appreciate a look at A Scorched Family. Norma Davis

Hey David! Here for our read swap! So I liked the pitches and thought it'd be a good read. But honestly? I wasn't expecting THIS. Your writing is extraordinary, something to be inspired, your descriptions are vivid. The storyline itself is intriguing, and leaves me wanting more. It's exciting, and enticing. I thought I'd post this comment before reading the last 2 chapters. Fully starred and I will without doubt move some things around to make space on my shelf. Thanks for the brilliant opportunity to let me find this. Brilliant. Alex. 'The Thorn in my Flesh' and 'Turn Around'

This is definately one my daughter should read. I generally stay away from flesh eating blood sucking books but how do I put this, yours just gives us enough info to picture what is happening without the guts spewing all over the ground. So very well written I was engrossed with the whole scene. Well done and deserving of many stars. Regards, Red Illusions of Comfort

No wasting time here! Fun, fast-paced read with instant interest in the characters. You managed to introduce your characters quickly so you could become attached to them. I immediately got a sense of foreboding and distrust from Sarabeth. The Monk was a nice twist in his character too. I've enjoyed it so far and would love to read more. Keep up the great work!

I enjoyed reading the details of your tale. a very good read.

I enjoyed reading the details of your tale. a very good read.

I enjoyed reading the details of your tale. a very good read.

Dear David, Your world jumps off the page (or screen) and immediately feels real. You create a brilliant atmosphere right from the word go. I thought the characters were well drawn and intriguing, leaving you wanting to read more to find our what their stories are. Sarabeth and the Monk clearly have a compllicated history and works as a great hook. Your use of language is excellent and the dialogue flows very well. Just one thing (and I may even be wrong....:-/):: ...and thirty-one of them now lay dead.... (and thirty-one of them now lie dead) its obvioiusly a small point and the entire lie/lay/lain....lay/laid/laid is a bitter bone I chew....over and over again. Highly starred and I wish you the best of luck with this! Tania Johansson Book of Remembrance

Hi David, Thank you for the comment. I read the first chapters of your book, and fell in love with it. I wish I have more time to read others' work so I can read more of this. I thought the whole concept of demons and heroes was brilliant and interesting. I enjoyed every scene. Highly rated! Great job. Di - My Beautiful Stalker

Wow, what an amazing story you tell, David! Before we get to comparing notes about satyrs and Loremasters, I have to say I do not read this kind of stuff so I approached your book with some trepidation. But as I read on, I found a lively, well observed tale, brimming with refreshing turns of phrase, great images, wonderful descriptions. I kept looking for something I could shake at and mutter, "For goodness' sake..." but it never happened. You may write about things I find barely credible, but if anyone could persuade me, it would be you. Also, you craft your words, which I appreciate. This should really be in the bookshops, if only to persuade those of us who never read "this sort of thing" to take another look. Highly rated! Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Wow, what an amazing story you tell, David! Before we get to comparing notes about satyrs and Loremasters, I have to say I do not read this kind of stuff so I approached your book with some trepidation. But as I read on, I found a lively, well observed tale, brimming with refreshing turns of phrase, great images, wonderful descriptions. I kept looking for something I could shake at and mutter, "For goodness' sake..." but it never happened. You may write about things I find barely credible, but if anyone could persuade me, it would be you. Also, you craft your words, which I appreciate. This should really be in the bookshops, if only to persuade those of us who never read "this sort of thing" to take another look. Highly rated! Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Your book very good. I rated it high.

Damn 10% of battery remaining! And I've only reached Chapter 3! Honestly, this is very good. You have avoided stereotyping your main characters which is refreshing in a fantasy story and I will be reading more and commenting further. Finding such high quality on this site is a pleasant surprise, I look forward to reading more.

I have read through the prologue. You have an excellent use of adjectives and action verbs. I am interested enough to continue reading. The pitch: “…thrust into a war of violence.” War is violent – seems repetitive. The Prologue: “Everyone knew that it was not a safe time to travel after sunset.” Why not just say “Everyone knew it was not safe to travel after sunset.” Is it a British thing to use single quotes for dialog? I see that a lot…just wondering, Did they really use ain’t in old medieval Europe. I thought it was American slang. Ha! I understand the importance of describing the creature, but I think it would read better if you showed more and told less. For example, “hanging from its arms and attached to its sides were…” Maybe “It stretched its arms, revealing webbed wings of leathery skin.” Also, “…instead of hands and feet it had claws…” I can’t picture that. I’m thinking it has hands with claws? And it does have arms. “He froze when he heard a thud behind him, as of another beast…” Sentence sounds odd to me. I know what you’re saying, but I got stuck on it. I think this should be reworded. **** Okay - curiosity was killing me so I looked up the origins of the word ain't. It is commony used in England by the working class - using the cockney dialect, and it's first use was believed to be around 1706. That's is still before the medieval times. Funny, I thought all English spoke properly and we Americans invented slang...

Hi David-Professionally written, very polished, interesting...Congratulations on your authonomy success! Dang! The ED is calling your name! I nothing new to add that hasn't already been said. Not my genre, but you can make it my genre-if that makes any sense! Highly rated and recommended. Dina Rae

The Keeper of the Sightless Eye. David Southam. The book gets off to a wonderful start with the farmer, Galmer nervously making his way home on his cart pulled by Bessy, the mule. There’d been more than enough talk recently of Werzidires to put fear into any man and he was no exception. Excellent description as Galmer forces his mule to go faster through the wood culminating in an overturned cart and near panic for both of them. But it’s too late, the werzidires are onto them and they become a meal for the night. Powerful reading for a first chapter and that’s a good thing if you want to keep your audience. I’m sure you will do well with this, it’s very compelling. Down for reading more, later on. Star rated high. Well done, David!! Kind regards, Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

David!! I wish I had started reading this sooner! It's so good. I apologize for not really having any constructive criticism for you. The pace is excellent, the characters great, I really love the vernacular. The dialogue is realistic and flows well. I love what you've got going on here! Excellent world you've created. Six stars! Cheers, Bre Memoria

David!! I wish I had started reading this sooner! It's so good. I apologize for not really having any constructive criticism for you. The pace is excellent, the characters great, I really love the vernacular. The dialogue is realistic and flows well. I love what you've got going on here! Excellent world you've created. Six stars! Cheers, Bre Memoria

I'm not usually a big fan of fantasy but I thought the prologue was great.. really got me wanted to read more. The short pitch I thought was a little bit too busy, the paragraph from the prologue and not much else would have been enough for me. I've read as far as the end of chapter 1 and I think it sets the scene well. Will definitely be reading the rest soon. Great start!!

David, thanks again for having a look at 'The Metal Throne'. I've only read the prologue, but will definitely be coming back for more as from the first few paragraphs I knew that this was going to be good. It's extremely well written with fluent prose and a strong command of language. Fantasy isn't really my sort of thing, but when I read the opening, it felt more like horror, which I'm much more at home with. Just a couple of tiny points. First, I wasn't sure that Galmer would refer to himself in third person when he says 'It was just a dead tree shedding a branch, Galmer.' However, this is just my personal preference; I know lots of people do it in real life. Secondly, it really made me laugh when I read the description of the werzidire (also this is quite difficult to pronounce) when you decribe its ears as 'huge and hairy'. I realise that this is what bats look like, but it sounds a little comedic. My points might be completely invalid, so feel free to ignore them and carry on your merry way, but I liked this very much and it's one of the best reads I've come across on here so far, so I've backed it and look forward to reading some more at a later date. Best wishes, Sarah

You are a very creative and talented writer. Your word choice is perfect and flows all throughout your story. I am not one for this genre, but you drew me in right away and made me want to read further. I am very impressed with your story and rate you high. Great job. Lacy

Excellent creepy opening chapter! This looks very promising for the high-fantasy crowd. High marks! I did find one word to fix: you use the word reigns where you mean reins. Other than that, it's looking good!

The fantasy novels I normally read are not the battle ones, but this was interesting. There is a lot of detail and information thrown at the readers within the first two chapters and I found it slightly difficult to keep track of what was what, and which characters were the main ones and which were secondary. The ideas are very interesting and I think the plot will develop into a novel that will capture the attention of readers. I was slightly confused if the beast in the first chapter was the gore demon, or if it was something else, since the gore was really only described as a demon which could be anything. I will say that the detail allows the readers to have a clear picture of where the tail is taking place. I would suggest that maybe you have an index at the back of your book for readers, just to connect people with places and to have a quick description of the different creatures. That would be more for the individuals that are just getting into the genre of fantasy. This comment is only based on the first three chapters and so far the book is well written. Shades of Grey

I've read the first three chapters. The short pitch didn't really draw me in as it seemed a bit rushed and not very insightful, I appreciate that you have a lot of information to convey to the reader but you might want to consider drawing it out just a little. The prologue was exciting with the attack in the woods, it creates an element of suspense and danger within your story and sets the context for the following chapters. I don't read fantasy novels so my feedback might not be that useful but you give the reader a lot of information; name, places history and I felt a little overwhelmed. It really was a lot to be taking in, I'd have appreciated some sort of back story merely about the realm which your story is set in and some information about the politics there etc. I was filling in the blanks a lot and making assumptions which can sometimes happen with fantasy stories. Granted you might reveal more in later chapters but I only read up to the third one. I think you write well, your dialogue seems appropriate to your setting and some of your descriptions are great, I liked the veil of cloud covering the sun. As I said, I don't really read fantasy novels so feel to dismiss my comments as they might not be very relevant but thanks for swapping with my story.

Finally finished reading the chapters you’ve put online; it is really good, and I will continue to back it, because this is a book I would actually buy. I like the characters, the description and pace of the story. However, I stumbled on something in chapter 3 “Hoof and Horn” which makes for good imagery, but I doubt someone would do in a fight: “Although tall for a duergar, he stood upon the corpse of his foe to match the height of the next.” Good imagery, but balancing on top a fallen body is not the best idea when fighting. When fighting, especially with shield and hammer you need to have a good and stable balance. Parrying with a shield requires you to be able to stand your ground, or it will not be effective. Swinging a hammer requires a lot of force, which means if you can easily lose balance, if you do not have your feet firmly planted on the ground. It’s just an observation you might want to consider. A little later in the same paragraph I think you accidently wrote ‘load’ instead of ‘loud’. Aside from these minor things, I feel the book is definitely worth the 5 stars I gave it earlier, and depending on how it evolves from here, it might even go up to 6. It will be a long time before I find anything I want to back as much as this one. Keep up the great work David. /Dan Holmes

Fantasy should capture the imagination immediately, taking the reader beyond the mundane into a world of magic and fey locales. There should be a "something" that makes the reader desire to know more, to experience more of the tale with each passing word. "The Keeper of the Sightless Eye" does this with a flow that seems almost organic. Great job. Joshua Hernandez "The Blood of a Savage", "Just Before Dawn" Note: There are a few dialogue issues in "A Demon Comes"; the start of the dialogue feels a bit forced. It evens out nicely until that bit is no longer remembered, but at first sounds harsh. Good Luck!

Put your book on my watchlist and rated.

This looks to be an excellent story. Lots of detail, plenty of imagination and good voice. Looking forward to reading some more. Good work David, best of luck Jack

I really liked this story. This has potental to become a work of art. Sarabeth is a wonderful and witty character. Thumbs up to her courage. All together it is in safe hands which makes or breaks a novel. Well done holding the reader's attention, and I look forward with reading the whole.

Have placed it on my bookshelf, really am intrigued with the prologue, love the way it paints pictures in my minds eye, I look forward to finishing it soon. Linda

David really enjoyed the book think you have done an exilent job. Shows loads of imagination hope you keep up the writing and hope we will get the chance to buy this and the rest of the trilogy. Normaly not the type of book I would read but the more I read the harder it was to stop

THE KEEPER OF THE SIGHTLESS EYE DAVID SOUTHAM hullo David. This is a true to the genre story as I have read here. Although I have dealt with killers they are nothing like those you describe. Starred and shelved soon. Please take a look at mine. Not quite like yours but a killer just the same. LLL

One of the best prologues I have read in a long time. Will definitely read the rest when I got the time for it. Keep up the good work, and I hope one day to be able to buy your books in a store.

I waded in at chapter four. Lots of imaginative energy has gone into this and the writing is consistently on a high level.

David, The only thought on my mind after reading the first chapter, was imagining the"hush" in the theatre, as people hold their breath and try to figure out what just happened. This is without a doubt, the most exciting book i've read on Authonomy, and i'm not really a fantasy girl. Can't wait to read the rest. Best of luck, you got six from me and a place on my shelf. Maria The Path to Survival

David, The only thought on my mind after reading the first chapter, was imagining the"hush" in the theatre, as people hold their breath and try to figure out what just happened. This is without a doubt, the most exciting book i've read on Authonomy, and i'm not really a fantasy girl. Can't wait to read the rest. Best of luck, you got six from me and a place on my shelf. Maria The Path to Survival

David, I read the prologue and the first three chapters in one sitting, I found this story to be utterly enthrawling. To be honest I don't usually read this genre, but you gift for story-telling more than made up for my initial hesitance. You strong imagery in particular brought me into the world that you have created. This is a great story! Sincerely, Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

I have to admit that this is a genre that I do not often read but this certainly has the hallmarks of a successful story with vivid imagery and relentless adventure. The reader is drawn in successfully and I felt the need to read on. The writing seems polished and well thought out. Kathryn

Having read the prologue and the first few chapters I'm really enjoying the story and the characters. The prologue's pace and imagery creates a real sense of fear and draws you into the story and the fate of the farmer. After reading the first few chapters I'm really enjoying the character development- especially of Sarabeth and find her a really compelling and complex character. I particularly enjoyed the dream sequence and loved the imagery you created with all the different elements and clues alluding to Sarabeth's character. Really enjoying your story and looking forward to the next chapters!

Excellent beginning. Your prologue and first chapter I have read. The fear, from the beginning made me wring my hands. Thank you for not disappointing me with the prologue, most of the time they do. But yours did not. The imagery, of the creatures that seemed half-bat, half-human, the screeching of the first man and the donkey. I could hear it. Normally I can't as I read unless what I am reading happens to be mine. I normally don't read these types of books, but you have won me over with this one. I shall finish this, because you have pulled me in. Thank you very much for the invitation and I'm glad I read it. Best Wishes on your book. For now, I will watchlist you. I have no room on my shelf right now, but I am with you through the run for the ED. Great story!! Your imagery was outstanding!! ~Bethanie

I confess I don't usually read this genre, but having read the Prologue and the first chapter I can say with certain, this fantasy story is in safe hands. With a few deft strokes, the writer offers all which is good to hold the readers attention. Such strong imagery cannot fail to impress and with a sound opening both of action and a smidgeon of horror, the temptation to read on is positive. A writer with such imagination wins my admiration since I simply don't possess such a mind and although I write of medieval times, I could never write in this genre. Both well written and pretty polished, I see good things for this book and I'm happy to put it on my shelf. Margaret.

I love medieval-style fantasy worlds, and was really intrigued by the pitch here. I thought the opening worked well – the unseen predator in the woods and the unfortunate end that Bessy meets… The only quibble I had is with Galmer’s belief that there is no such thing as a werewolf. I felt that a medieval peasant might not think the idea absurd, especially one wearing a talisman – plus he knows there are witches for a start. Nayul – the warrior monk – love him. He reminded me of one of my characters, so I’m a bit jealous ;-) The one thing I would say is that I would have preferred the lengthy physical description of him to be split up across several paragraphs – to maintain some of the mystery surrounding him (which you evoke brilliantly with Servalt’s observation about the uncivil nature of these monks…) Oh, and the satyrs. Excellent stuff. I’ve got a mad faun, you’ve got… bloodcurdling goaties that eat people. Hm… yours are definitely madder, and more feral. I love the twist you’ve given them. I also really liked the opening to the nightmare sequence in chapter 4 – ‘blind and clumsy in its mad rage…’ Anyway, I’m looking forward to reading more. I don’t usually read this type of fantasy, but you’ve got a good plotline and intriguing characters, and I think it will really appeal to sword and sorcery fantasy lovers. Good work :-)

Hi David Read your prologue. The original chapter one started the story fine but didn't grab me so I think this is a better way to begin. Read most of the way through ch4 now, the Gore is sure hard to beat!

Excellent imagery. I could see everything as though it was playing out before me. This one's right up my ally. I love fantasy, as such this is classic and new. Not too much action as to overwhelm the reader, just enough asthetic imagery to pull the reader in without too much use of your adjectives. Frightening and heart thumping. Backed.

Michelle Thanks for the comment! 'it was no safe time' means the same thing as 'it was not a safe time'. As for your second point, I see that there is little point in referring to Galmer as 'the farmer' after making his occupation clear at the start. I'll look into rewording it. [QUOTE] Hi, In your prologue: The second paragraph should read 'not safe'. You switch from using 'the farmer' to 'Galmer' throughout the paragraphs. If you have explained he is a farmer then you should only need use his name or he. Otherwise it is confusing because the reader thinks there are two characters - Galmer and a farmer. Interesting story and exciting, Michelle [ENDQUOTE]

Hi, In your prologue: The second paragraph should read 'not safe'. You switch from using 'the farmer' to 'Galmer' throughout the paragraphs. If you have explained he is a farmer then you should only need use his name or he. Otherwise it is confusing because the reader thinks there are two characters - Galmer and a farmer. Interesting story and exciting, Michelle

Really enjoying this book, loved the prologue. Looking forward to reading more.

Hi Pam B. Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and thanks a lot for the feedback. Having said that, I'm not sure that I agree with you. In response to your first problem with the story, I've given some examples below of instances where the language used by my characters is far from perfect and clear. The language of certain characters (Servalt and Sarabeth for instance) is a lot more refined. For peerage and their retinue, this is how they would have spoken in Medieval England, albeit in more archaic terms. Sarabeth's speech is designed to infer a thinly veiled intellect and superiority over the common man. The language of the Iron Wolves, although not so much with Raegard Wolfe, is designed to reflect that of the common man in the Middle Ages, and to do that I've given them subtle northern British accents, and a somewhat more brutal and offensive vocabulary. I hope this changes your mind. For similar reasons, I do not see that my characters are at all one-dimensional. In fact I've designed most of them to be the opposite, with a growing friendly rivalry between Grolaf and Bear, growing tension between the headstrong Sarabeth and the captain of the Iron Wolves and hints at an emotional connection between Sarabeth and Nayul. Also, some of the characters are far from what they first seem, which I thought was evident, implying that there is certainly more than one level to their characters. Perhaps I am being overprotective of my characters, who I have inevitably become emotionally attached to! But other feedback I have received has been exclusively appraisive of the character development in the story, so I am reluctant to change my approach just yet. Thanks again for the read. Examples of colloquial dialogue: 'There ain’t no reason to get upset, now. Ain’t nothin’ in them woods but foxes and badgers. Ain’t nothin’ gonna hurt you.' 'Big bloody bastard, he was. Biggest I’ve ever seen.' 'If you girls are done pissing about, it’s time to get your swords dirty. Now march!' ‘Won’t you join us for a drink, Nayul?’ asked Calder, turning to the monk. Nayul looked up and tapped a small chalice on the table before him in response, before returning to his thoughts. ‘You silly arse!’ Howler sniped. ‘Monks don’t drink ale! The only drink a monk is allowed is Thujona.’ ‘The liquor of God!’ joked Garm. ‘The piss of God, more like,’ said Howler. ‘The stuff smells like a werewolf’s arse, and I hear it makes you delusional and gives you waking dreams; the monks say they’re visions or messages from the almighty.’ ‘Have you been sniffing werewolves’ arses again?’ asked Sketch. [QUOTE] Hi David Just read all of your posting & I must say it is very well written, engaging & leaves the reader wanting to find out what happens when the book is found. However, I did have one or two problems with the story as a whole. Firstly the conversations seem a bit false, the language used is too perfect & clear to give the idea of real people in real & very dangerous situations. You may want to think about introducing some slang, abbreviations or even an odd swear word. Secondly, whilst the fight descriptions are very good, I felt that there wasn't enough descriptions of the world you have created; the characters were therefore very thin & one dimensional & the story lacked the depth that is needed in full length book. So I think you may have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but don't be discouraged keep going & you'll get there. Try reading some authors in the same genre, like Brandon Sanderson, Robert Jordan & the like. All the best Pam Balsdon The King's Blessing [ENDQUOTE]

Hi David Just read all of your posting & I must say it is very well written, engaging & leaves the reader wanting to find out what happens when the book is found. However, I did have one or two problems with the story as a whole. Firstly the conversations seem a bit false, the language used is too perfect & clear to give the idea of real people in real & very dangerous situations. You may want to think about introducing some slang, abbreviations or even an odd swear word. Secondly, whilst the fight descriptions are very good, I felt that there wasn't enough descriptions of the world you have created; the characters were therefore very thin & one dimensional & the story lacked the depth that is needed in full length book. So I think you may have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but don't be discouraged keep going & you'll get there. Try reading some authors in the same genre, like Brandon Sanderson, Robert Jordan & the like. All the best Pam Balsdon The King's Blessing

I just thought I'd reply to all the comments made so far. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my submission, and especially those who have left comments to let me know what they thought. It's so gratifying to know that my work has been enjoyed, and that people have connected with my characters (though doubtless do not love them the same way that I do! I am a jealous creator). I would like to respond to the constructive feedback and notes of potential improvement that have been offered so far, so here you go: T J Pallett: [QUOTE] Read the first couple of chapters and it's looking pretty polished already. Just one little thing at the end of chapter One. 'the Iron Wolves vacated hall' may read better as 'the Iron Wolves vacated the hall.' [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for your comment, T J, and for noticing that typo. No matter how carefully I proofread my work, I always seem to miss something! It has been corrected. Revteapot: [QUOTE] Chpt 1 - "werzidires" - love this word! "knocking him onto his rear " - this does make sense but I had to read it a couple of times. It could be the context, could be that I'm tired! The description of Bessie's death is awful. Beautifully succinct, conveys all the horror of it while saying little. Nicely done (in the old sense of 'nice', too!) But what on earth makes Galmer run into the woods? I understand the donkey had the beast on the road in front of her, no? But it's gone to feed on poor Bessie, so why leave the road? (prepared to admit I'm being dull-witted, cf earlier tiredness remark.) [ENDQUOTE] Thanks for the feedback! Firstly, I also love the word 'werzidires'. There'll be many more of them to come, and they come even nastier than those you've already met. I've edited the 'knocking him onto his rear' line to ensure its clarity. As for what makes Galmer run into the woods, the main reason is the 'piercing screech to his side', which causes him to flee in the opposite direction. If I was Galmer, I would have already been in the woods by that point. Out on the track he's an easy target. In the woods he could find concealment, or even lose the werzidires in the dark maze of trees. Thanks again! Edwin P. Magezi [QUOTE] A few things... Prologue. • Peering into the darkness of the wood -- (of the woods) Chapter One. "You have a deal" seems like a rather modern statement. Wondering if these goaties have an specific name, or that's it - the goaties ... Sound like man-eating Fauns to me but they could use a more original and imaginative name if you don't already have one. It promises to be a thrilling read and will surely make time to read more. Highly starred. [ENDQUOTE] Again, many thanks for the feedback! Firstly, my use of the word 'wood' was correct, meaning "a collection of trees, shrubs, herbs, grasses, etc, usually dominated by one or a few species of tree: usually smaller than a forest: an oak wood" as defined in the World English Dictionary. 'Deal' is in fact quite an old word that developed in the Middle Ages from Old English 'dǣlen'. Therefore 'to have a deal' was likely quite a popular turn of phrase in Medieval England. Funnily enough though, you're the second person to accuse this phrase of being too modern. I can't think of a better alternative, however, so I'm sticking to my guns! The correct name for the 'goaties' is satyrs, which they are referred to most prominently throughout most of the story. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Lisa Lawton: [QUOTE] Second sentence has "along" twice in quick succession, change one of them. "The farmer whipped his mule to hurry it on..." Perhaps. It's said that starting a sentence with and ing word weakens that sentence considerably, "Peering into the darkness of the wood..." Try this: "He peered into the darkness of the wood, only to see nothing but black." "...through the canopy above them." "...the canopy above him blocking out most of the sky..." In the first instance, change to: "...through the canopy above." In the second, change to: ..."the canopy blocking out most of the sky." Get rid of "Skitishly" please. In fact, remove all your adverbs, your writing is good enough without them. [ENDQUOTE] Some great feedback here Lisa. I have edited my work so that the second sentence no longer repeats the work 'along'. I've also shortened my references to the canopy, as you suggested. I've removed the word 'skittishly'; you were right that it was redundant. I'll review my use of adverbs throughout the story when I have the time to see if any cuts or improvements can be made. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my submission, and I'm truly glad that you enjoyed it.

I quite enjoyed your prologue, David. It was easy to read, it flowed well, and the theme was clear and understandable. As I read, I made a couple of notes. But remember that my suggestions are my opinion only, and should be taken in the manner that they are intended ... to be of help. Please feel free to use or ignore them. Second sentence has "along" twice in quick succession, change one of them. "The farmer whhipped his mule to hurry it on..." Perhaps. It's said that starting a sentence with and ing word weakens that sentence considerably, "Peering into the darkness of the wood..." Try this: "He peered into the darkness of the wood, only to see nothing but black." "...through the canopy above them." "...the canopy above him blocking out most of the sky..." In the first instance, change to: "...through the canopy above." In the second, change to: ..."the canopy blocking out most of the sky." Get rid of "Skitishly" please. In fact, remove all your adverbs, your writing is good enough without them. Backed and starred. Lisa. x

Really good read David, cannot wait to get my hands on the full script!

Oooh. This is very exciting. I was right there in the woods with the poor farmer, and it had the same feel to it as the best fairytales of old, that seem to tap in to some well known story mode. Only read one chapter, so will carry on and comment again after, but I'm definitely putting it on my 'waiting for a shelving list' so will give you some stars while I carry on reading. Cariad.

Oooh. This is very exciting. I was right there in the woods with the poor farmer, and it had the same feel to it as the best fairytales of old, that seem to tap in to some well known story mode. Only read one chapter, so will carry on and comment again after, but I'm definitely putting it on my 'waiting for a shelving list' so will give you some stars while I carry on reading. Cariad.

Hi David Top job on this I reckon. I really enjoyed reading this first section prologue - chapter 3. I like your writing style and you have a skill for giving the right balance of description with actio0n so as not to slow the pace - really well done I thought. You have managed to weave in a fair amount of background info re your world into a fairly short number of words and yet it sat well within the narrative - nothing crowbarred in and no big exposition dumps - top job I reckon. I like Sarabeth (I'm assuming she's a lot more than just a girl) and Nayul and the wolf pack have a few interesting characters - loving the dwarf. Easy to see how these protagonists will lead readers to follow them through a trilogy. I especially liked this line "...the crystal veins of the light-ning charged stone of Lazhward had been included in its construction" - nice. MS is really tight and well manicured -no grammaticals - and I'm usually pretty discerning on that front - pretty much ready for submitting I'd say from what I've read. 6 stars and on my watchlist for shelf space soon as I rotate. Derek The Angel Chord

I read the prologue and the first two chapters. I love a book that gets off to a running start and keeps on going. You have a wonderful gift for painting a picture on the page. I think your story is well paced and easy to read. This is the kind of book I would buy. I will come back and read the rest of what you've submitted when I have more time. Thanks so much for posting it for us all to enjoy.

Read the prologue and the first chapter and it's an Intriguing start, a glimpse into what to expect without revealing any details - A true prologue. Your writing is wonderfully descriptive and I got a real feel of the farmer's predicament right till the end. It's also fast paced and the dialogue is engaging. A few things... Prologue. • Peering into the darkness of the wood -- (of the woods) Chapter One. "You have a deal" seems like a rather modern statement. Wondering if these goaties have an specific name, or that's it - the goaties ... Sound like man-eating Fauns to me but they could use a more original and imaginative name if you don't already have one. It promises to be a thrilling read and will surely make time to read more. Highly starred.

This is the best submission, by far, that I have seen on Authonomy. You have managed to evoke fear, suspense, empathy and even humour perfectly. I find your characters captivating and I especially like the relationship between Nayul and Sarabeth. Your description during action scenes really brought the book to life for me. I have been left wanting more, a sure sign of a good novel and trilogy. Keep writing and submitting.

A great read, exciting and well paced. I was sorry to reach the end and look forward to reading more about these interesting characters in the future.

Hi David, I found your work and read it with pleasure. Good description, natural dialogue, interesting characters, decent pace: what more can I ask for? Here are my notes: Chpt 1 - "werzidires" - love this word! "knocking him onto his rear " - this does make sense but I had to read it a couple of times. It could be the context, could be that I'm tired! The description of Bessie's death is awful. Beautifully succinct, conveys all the horror of it while saying little. Nicely done (in the old sense of 'nice', too!) But what on earth makes Galmer run into the woods? I understand the donkey had the beast on the road in front of her, no? But it's gone to feed on poor Bessie, so why leave the road? (prepared to admit I'm being dull-witted, cf earlier tiredness remark.) Chpt 2 - glad you recognise the thing about the tongue is odd. Can't help feeling curious, though. You use his muteness well, mind. Chpt 3 "savage but sheepish in nature" good turn of phrase, but I can't help thinking of shy satyrs which seems most odd! Good battle scene Surprised the monk carries a blade.  There! Three chapters when I meant only to read one - a testimony in itself to your skill :) I shall back this when I next review my shelf. Good stuff! Lindsay A Priest's Tale Oh and PS (and I did this too) backing your own book counts for nothing!

Excellent read.

I am not usually into Fantasy reads but...this is fantastic! I have been completely gripped and my imagination has been worked into a frenzy with all the detail provided. Cracking first few chapters, would love to read the rest of it. Very pleased to hear this one is a trilogy.

This is one of the best Fantasy writes I've seen since being on Authonomy. Have wl'd you and will be in for a serious read during the week when I'm more concentrated.

Read the first couple of chapters and it's looking pretty polished already. Just one little thing at the end of chapter One. 'the Iron Wolves vacated hall' may read better as 'the Iron Wolves vacated the hall. You're good at describing action (writing action has always been my favourite too) and I like the description of the satyrs and the way they talk like goats. Hoping to read the other two chapters later this week.