Great book - hoping HC and you are tweaking right now wit a view to pulbishing this.

YARG review chap 21 - has all the suspense needed. Nothing else to say. chap 22 - didn't see that coming. chap 23 - I like the way the moon helped Arthur here chap 24 - now it get really interesting! And who Is the other woodcutter? Can't say anything about this book except it's fantastic. Jimmy

YARG review chap 17 - great backstory on Mrs. Flapp. They are getting closer to discovering who the person born on the EVE is. chap 18 - the dialogue is done really well here. chap 19 - poor Felix. you make us feel for him. He wants to change so bad tonight...I have a feeling he won't. chap 20 - I didn't expect that ending...that was great! Nothing I can say about this other than it's very good!

Hi Lucy! I wish I am good as you. Wow. The storyline of your book is one of the most original I have read so far. The details were spectacular. Jessica and Jinger were presented very well. I can almost see this book hitting every book stands! Best of luck! Please, if you have spare time, do check out my book The Hunter Chronicles and tell me what you think about it. It's still unfinished though but I will gladly accept all kinds of comments. I hope you don't mind this request. I just thought I still need to learn a lot from people like you. Thanks! Stay inspired! :) ~Princess

YARG review back for more chap 14 - I liked Arthur's theory on why the moon moved. Looks like they may have found a connection to Jinger! chap 15 - the 'W''s was a great idea. The ending is good too! chap 16 - "No I'm not shocked," said Jinger, horribly shocked. - that was funny. I liked this chapter because I found out a little about the wolves. I still can't get over how well Jinger is taking all this. You have a great hook at the end, too! Great job! Jimmy

YARG review back for chaps 11 - 13 chap 11: 'use this time usefully' - probably should change use or usefully to something else. I was a bit surprised Jinger had no adverse reaction when Tabs mentioned werewolves. Did I miss something, or did Jinger already know (or suspect) about the students turning into wolves? This chapter did explain Felix's reaction to the silver necklace. I like when the explanation for something we read chapters earlier (something we couldn't possible understand then) is given. chap 12: not sure where all this fits in, but it's an interesting back story. The ending was quite sad. chap 13: 'last night's stew?" - that was good! I wonder reading this if the breeding experiments have some significance, other than to highlight Jinger's intellect. Wonder what's going on at the end of the chapter? Still liking this

YARG Review - read chapters 8 - 10 chap 8 leaves one with questions throughout, but especially at the ending. I've never seen pajamas spelled pyjamas, though. chap 9 has a great ending as well. Why does Felix hate the necklace? chap 10 gives some interesting background on Arthur I really liked. Also the Murkle Moon stepping in to save May was good. Are these kids werewolves or something? Guess I'll have to keep reading to find out. The chapter again ends leaving us wanting to turn the page! Still really like this story. Jimmy

YARG review Hello, Read first 3 chapters and shall definitely get round to reading more! Loved the writing style, loved the subject. Opening paragraph - 'much preferred a cup of tea.' The witty comparison sets up the chapter and lets me know I'm in for a treat - having read further I know this was correct. The style of writing is perfectly balanced between serious and whimsical - with an ample helping of humour lacing each line. Really enjoyable to read. There are subtle allusions to more intelligent comedy - 'No, I'm Edward and she's Catherine,' - mixing up the sexes as well as the names of children by the aged man, a senior moment not made too big a deal of but just there in the background. In Chapter I empathised with Jinger from the moment I first met her. This is well written via her interaction with her twin, all the more ironic because they are twins that they are described as 'opposites.' First and second chapters introduce the Murkle Moon, which can apparently speak and wander, seamlessly into the body of the story, inviting further exploration. I really want to know what is special about this moon! The astronomy teachers and their discussion in Ch 3 provide some initial explanation into the night sky which throws light on this. Ch3 Ms Flapp (appropriately named) is described inventively and in great detail particularly about her problem. This is quite original and a great character weakness not often heard of before. 'Lots of pupils would have a very hungry lunchtime,' - humourous consequence of her dithering! Really great and I shall look forward to reading more. Robert Immortality of Ashes

YARG review - Back for more - Chapter 5 - I love the email to Arthur's grandddaughter about buying slippers from the TV screen chapter 6 - dusty-tasting glass of water. - nice! ...weird place full of unkempt teachers, choking pupils, and engraved beds - I like that great ending to the chapter! chapter 7 - forever had other ideas - great line I like the part about the standing excuse (and joke) of Douglas calling Julia to ask if there is anything she wants him to bring home from the souvenir shop. I thought the ending of chap 6 was good - but chap 7 really ends with suspense! That was great. No time to read more now, but I am on the edge of my seat. Who rammed them with the Land Rover and why? Be back when I can, Jimmy

YARG review Hi Lucy, I read chapters 3 and 4. Chapter 4 was really nice. You brought to life the scene with the meat stuck in Felix's throat. I was squirmig. I could see Jinger sticking her hand down his throat and almost feel her trying to get her fringers around the lodged chunk. Yuk. That was well done! Nice way to end the chapter too. Chapter 4 was equally descriptive and disgusting when Felix coughed up the chunk and prompty stuffed it iback n his mouth. Your descriptions of the girls sharing the room with Jinger are short and to the point. Something I could learn from! The last sentence in the chapter piques one's interest. This book continues to be very good and is so well written. I'll be back for more. Jimmy

YARG Review hi Lucy, After Lying About Sarah, I didn't know what to expect, but having read through chapter two, ths is another wonderful book. Prologue - Nice set up here. Very original. This guy isn't just talking to the moon (who talks back), he's talking to some 'other' moon. Curious as to what Arthur's job was - watching the Murkle Moon probably doesn't pay a lot. I have no idea why he's talking to the moon, or why it talks to him, but want to read on to find out. That's what a prologue should do! The changing millennium must mean something! Chapter 1 - "that idea began to stick as hard as a tiny shell on the side of a boat." - love this You really did well at relating Jinger and Jessica as polar opposites. Great ending to chapter 1. Chapter 2 - I love the way Ms. Flapp regards Arthur. The line "When Arthur returned to the school, the sky suddenly looked breathtaking, and Ms Flapps felt that she need not have bothered to look up before." is great. The use of the tree when Ms Flapp was a girl to portray her inability to make decisions was brilliant. Now the prologue comes into focus. I know why Arthur watched the Murkle Moon. It's still strange that the moon has feelings and when it gets hurt it reacts like a child (that's the way I saw it). But stange is good to me! I like that I've not read anything like this before. This book is very different from Lying About Sarah, but your turn of phrase, clean editing, and impeccible style show through just the same. I prefer this book, because LAS is so heavy and despressing. Looks like you have the whole book here. I will chip away at it until I've read it all. Jimmy

Yarg- Lucy wow this was very diffrent, i really enjoyed it. you have a great attention to detail. i also noticed i personally have difficulty with say diffrent charecters not the main ones but al the side charecters when i write, but you seem to be wonderful at it only thing in chapter 5 is the phrase chrismassed proper? i was unsure here it would be spent christmas with , but it may be the whole other country language thing again.

i really love the pitch on this one.. it looks great. i will comment on it when i get either a few chapters or all of it read...it's 4 a.m now so i better not read it yet....on watchlist though

Hi Lucy, I've read the first five chapters and I will be back for more. This is so well written, and a great read. I loved the imagination in this, and all the characters names and quirks, Arthur is already a favourite. You have captured the voice needed for YA, and I think a wide range of ages in that category would enjoy this. I laughed when Felix choked ...but didn't, and Tabs seems like such a nice character. You have captured the anxiety that must be felt joining a new school perfectly, Jinger reacts just like you would expect, meeting new people and adapting to her new environment. I liked her bed being under the slanting roof, a cosy place for her. The descriptions are vivid but not overdone, and I your use of metaphors are spot on. It has a Harry Potter feel, but is definitely its own story, so I see that as a good ... no great ... thing!! I expect to see this published in the near future, I read a lot of literature in this category and this would certainly do well I'm sure. Great stuff. Jx

A hugely enjoyable read with a likeable character in Jinger. It was entertaining to read and It feels that the world of the character's is well developed and thought out. I read the first 3 chapters and now want to see where the story is going. I think that young adults would find this engaging and there are some aspects that would resonate well. I have added it to the watchlist and it gets high stars from me. Dr Hawke (The Reluctant Adventures of E.Q.)

Your writing is lively and draws me in as a reader! Love your verbs and the occasional one-sentence paragraph. when I get time, I'll definitely put this on my list of must reads! www.bettyjackson.net

Great review. I hope it makes it into print!! I will certainly by a copy (and the sequelS).

Hi Congratulations on the positive review. Hopefully i will see it in print soon. John Stearn Author of Derilium

Hi Lucy, Just finished chapter eight and realised how quickly i'm rattling through these chapters-always means it's a good read!! CHAPTER 3-'his vivid dark eyes like flicks of calligraphy'-Very nice description, as is 'to woo the stars out of the sky with his snake-charmer's telescope' again brilliant. CHAPTER 4-the bottom paragraph-'It was slippy' Did you mean slippy or slippery? Just wondered. Otherwise can't find anything i didn't like etc. More to read tomorrow evening. Dave B

Hey Lucy, I've read chapters 1-8 and it is easy to see why you have done so well on this site. A truly imaginative and engaging story. Arthur and Jinger both grabbed my attention immediately and made me carry on reading through the chapters. Think I might even read the whole thing! Patrick Lynch The Spirits in the Shadows

Hey Lucy, I only read chapter one here but think this is a truly original piece and can't wait to come back for more. It stands alone and is outstandingly creative in nature. This is witty, clever and Arthur is just one-of-a-kind! Best of Luck to you but I know that you don't need any because you are already a hit on here! -Lyn NO REAL ESCAPE to my Nirvana -Surviving Manic Depression- My story & The Real Truth to Managing It

Lucy Really good concept for a story. You have a lovely voice hear and I think this is a good book that could do so well. I know there are a few little issues that are mentioned below but nothing that cant be sorted. Great flow, brilliant characters and a great pace to this book. I felt myself drifting off right into the story and before I knew it I found myself as if I was in it. I have scored this high. Love it. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

Hi - I enjoyed this (see my review below). I was just wondering of you wanted to return the favour and have a look at my offering 'Green Hour'? If you do, though, perhaps you could do me a favour and start at Chapter 7? I know that this is a weird request, but most of my reviews have been from people who have read the first couple of chapters only - there are some twists later on that I would like people to get a feel of... I hope that you find time to have a little look at it, Adrian

How could an old man stop the Murkle Moon? What is the Murkle Moon? What did Arthur do 50 years ago? These are just a few of the questions I have after reading chapter one. What a great start! I'll be reading more and more of this in the days to come. I love it!

I have dipped into several chapters and very much like what I see. It is now on my watchlist for that valuable moment when I have time to read it properly! Hoping to get back to you later Joanne Jacquard Bryond the Camera

Wow. This is lovely.

This is a YARG review. The plot you've created here is so unusual and original that it's absolutely enthralling! I really like the characters, and I love the way you've peppered the intrigue throughout the story. The dialogue is very natural for teenagers, which I think adds a little authenticity to the characters. I can't wait to read the rest of this book as it promises to be great! Abby

I have just started reading your book and it looks a delight. What an original idea and you write beautifully. I skipped to chapter seven at one point because of the rave reviews about it. I must say that it touched me because the subtlety of emotion was so beautifully done - very sad. I hope it is published! :)

Hi Lucy, I have read several chapters and enjoyed the expereince. I feel it has great potential definitely for the younger readers. I am sure that it be a success. Bruce Vaughan A Successful Outcome

This is very imaginative and mostly really well written. The first chapter is intriguing and quirky, while the second plays, successfully, with different voices and registers (although I wonder if the information that it happens 'thirteen years later' could have been given a little more subtly..?) I would agree with another reviewer that Chapter 7 is a highlight. An enjoyable read - one with which to persevere. Adrian

If this isn't the next Harry Potter (I'm sorry if you've heard that comparison a million times) I will be amazed. Absolutely entrancing. You've created a world and I've been reading for so long that my eyes have gone square and I'm slightly surprised to look up and see the real world around me, not your world. Please, please say there's a sequel on the way: I am DYING to know what happens to (ahem, spoilers) now that she's (ahem, more spoilers!). R xxx ps I have backed you and you'd have seven stars if I could :) x)

This is a YARG review! Seeing as there is a little medal beside your name I was very interested to see why that was and I must admit I'm impressed with your writing skill. There's nothing really I can or would want to pick at in the shape of your craft because it's all well written. I have read up to Chapter Seven where Julia's car is... well don't want to spoil things but you know where I mean! The format, where you have so far been mixing between Jinger, Arthur and toward the end of my read Julia is different and although in some stories this can be off putting and hard to follow, possibly due to the short Chapters, it doesn't feel out of place too out of place. The length of the Chapters themselves are quite sporadic for me, but then I know short chapters are enjoyed by a lot of readers, this is more of a personal preference and for me I have felt a few times the change of chapter was at the wrong time. Obviously I haven't gotten very far into your book so to make comments now isn't the best way to give a full reflection but so far it's a bit of a slow burner, every time you've gotten to a point that made me think "here we go - somethings going to happen" you tease and switch. I would have liked to have had a little more action by Chapter Seven but then again, I will happily continue to read because it's clear you're building up to something good. Again - probably just me - but within the first seven chapters there's a few with none or very little dialogue which may have helped me to connect more with the characters in general. Overall though as I said, you're clearly a good story teller and it's easy to see there's more to be had in this story which WILL make me continue reading. Good job :)

I only read a bit, but that's all it took to know I liked it. Congratulations on becoming an editor's pick! Kristi Casting Shadows

Hey Lucy, did you ever hear back from the editor's desk? Are they going to publish? They should:)

Hi Lucy, Another day when the world was supposed to end has just passed, so a really appropriate time to see what you'd created with this book "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon". Lovely sister. Not. Just saving what little I've written while I check out another chapter. Oh, and now I'm up to chapter 6, just like that. Ms Flapp is an interesting character. So is Arthur. I'm waiting for him to name a planet. Still haven't quite worked out this Murkle Moon thing yet - how the town has its own moon. Especially haven't worked out how the near collision with the other moon would have happened. All a bit strange really, and fun. I won't add anything more to this comment. Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon have had lots of comments already. I just wanted to see what it was all about. Well done Lucy. I'll keep reading for a bit longer before I go to sleep. Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

Hi Lucy, I just wanted to thank you for all your help during my time on Authonomy. I have published The Magic Kingdom' on Amazon. I have another one on the go and hope to be back soon. However, is it just me that finds it hard to not only get on the site but to replace my edits etc. I am only asking because someone mentioned a comment on television about how difficult it is. Have a word in someone's ear please.Having said that it is an amazing site and the help and support has been wonderful. Good luck with your writing and have a happy christmas. Margaret C. PS. I liked to think I have also given back some support and encouragement.

A very interesting first chapter and one to add to my watch list. More comments as I have time to read.

Hello Lucy, Read the first chapter of this book and I'm sure I'll return and read more later. I really sympathised with Jinger being the new girl at school, and the not so popular sister. So well polished, seems ready to go! I've put it on my WL as this is my fave genre. Well done, M.J

Hi Lucy, I have just published The Magic Kingdom on Amazon. I wanted to say a big thank you for all your help and support. I have had a few problems on site with putting my new edits and replacing the first chapter. I still can't do it, and I have tried several times. I only wish it was a bit more straight forward. I will hopefully be back with my next book. Good luck with all you do, and a Merry Christmas Margaret C.

Wow, now I know what all the hype is about! Tbh, this is not my kind of book but I was completely drawn into it. Thanks for sharing this. I'd love to crit you but i can't :-) Best wishes, Leesha McCoy - Abriya & Clarence. Becoming Aware. The Urban Paranormal Romance.

YARG review I can only echo what has been said previously, a beautifully written piece of work with strong characters and plotting. I like the way you make us feel for Jinger instantly and although she's an outsider she is real enough to be believable. You describe her going to the new school, with all the trepidation that causes, with great sensitivity and the sense of foreboding is also executed expertly. I have read up to chapter 10 but so far it is compelling and makes me want to read more. I like the quirky characters (especially Tabs) can see there's lots of scope for intrigue and plot twists. The only thing I thought a bit odd is how most of your chapters are short and then suddenly there is a long chapter (7 I think) which seemed a bit inconsistent but this is only a minor niggle. Hoping you get this published soon. Mawdlin The Witch's Cauldron

Love it! You have an incredible book here, it was imposable to put it down! The only critique I have is you might want to adjust your placement of the flash backs. You have Jinger opening the mail pouch in the lobby and being surprised by the contents, then she was suddenly in her dorm room and it wasn't explained what was in the mail until Felix reacted to it. I would put the flashback immediately after she opend the pouch and then move her on to the dorm. Either way you have beautiful writing and I can't wait to reed the next book! C. G. Spaulding

So . . . I guess I was a little slow to actually be helpful in getting your book to the ED, but congratulations on getting (and staying) there all the same--it's certainly well-deserved. This book is flawlessly written.

I hope it's not too late to tell you that I love what I've read so far! Obviously, I'm not alone in my feelings for you already have a medal thingy. (smiles) It brings Harry Potter to mind but then makes you forget he exists. Pretty cool, if you ask me. I am tickled for your accomplishment and certain I will see this one in the window of my local bookstore! Congrats...Linda

Hi Lucy, yeah, I'm a little late when it comes to reads. Congrats on your success! I'm not a critic, just a mere scriptwriter who enjoys a work which pulls one in, grabbing, holding, taking the reader along the journey. You make the genre your own. Would make a movie! blessings, Jim

I really enjoyed this thank you

This is an interesting story idea.. very original! I have never read a book where the moon was a character who spoke and especially affected the outcome of the story. Very cool so far. The other comments here are very praising so I know I am in for a treat as I read on.

Congratulations on reaching the desk. I was glad to have backed your book. With your advice and support I can only hope to reach the same position someday The Raven The Buena Fortuna

A brilliant opening, and Arthur's character is very believable. Your writing is easy to read and very good. I think your book will do well. It isn't my sort of thing I like to read otherwise I would have read more. Kind Regards, Carol

Hi Congratulations for being selected for review. From John Stearn

Unfortunately I haven't been around long enough and have just now discovered your book. I see why it made it to number 1. Congrats! It's wonderful!

Loved the book, well written. Sometimes my mind did wonder and when I read paragraphs out of context it made me smile: Chapter 28 "Jinger undid the zip, and pulled the little object out."

Well, I am hooked. I have a sister, not a twin, but an older sister, who was mean to me, and I totally connect with Jinger. Oh, I so want her to find her place in the world, or in the glow of the Murkle Moon. Your characters - well, they are characters, and the movie is playing in my mind. Need to go find room for this on my bookshelf! I will be back to read more. Well done.

Though it won't be hard to remember, I'm going to remember your name and the name of your wonderful book-so that one day I can say I read it before it became so popular. From your picture I get the impression you are a rather young woman and that makes me even more so impressed with your writing and ability to weave such a WONDERFUL story. I'm only five chapters along but will be coming back night after night to continue and will try to complete it before you make it to the finish line. This is a true treasure, Lucy!

I'm just starting to read this to my youngest grandchild, he's 14 and is liking it a lot. Good luck! Charles Hobday

I'm loving this. I just stopped by the read the first chapter and fell in love with the man who was waxing nostalgically as he considered suicide. A beautiful juxtaposition in that piece of characterization. And then you bring in a talking moon! I love it. I'm tossing you on my watchlist and will be back to read more.

This is such a gorgeous book, inside and out. I will recommend this to everyone and every parent I know. I would like to see this published one day and will support this, just sad I came in so far into your race. It's great to see you already on the editor's desk. You obviously deserve it very much!

Wow! Only just a few chapters in and already having the time of my life! Beautifully written, perfectly mysterious (first few chapters are properly and appropriately confusing as hell), and so far quite magnificent. Also, I love the names, though I will thank you for having Tabs tell us how to say Jinger's name. So far, I've been thinking of it as rhyming with "ringer"! Katherine G.

Hello, Cyrus asked me to back you John

Yes, this shows signs of talent and writing craft. I found the first prologue hard to get into, but when you time shifted to chapter one l found it more engaging. I doubt l can cover any points which haven't been already mentioned nelow, but l was struck by the use of a potential death in your opening. Not sure if that would go down well in a novel for young adults / children, but l don't really know much about this genre it just occured to me. Anyway, enjoyed it once it got to chapter one. Good stuff.

Hi Lucy, Wow! It took me quite a few days to read this whole story, it's amazing! A magical world on a magical planet . . . and the mystery of the Murkle Moon that I still haven't quite figured out how it works. I kept wondering what the base legend was for everyone assuming that the Millennium Eve child was to be evil . . . but it actually only ever said 'would have great power' - that I knew, and I'm glad Arthur explained that interpretation at the end. That made sense out of quite a few confusing chapters. Anyway, I think my favorite characters are Jinger, Felix, and Tabitha. Felix has a very interesting story to him about wanting to be a wolf, and being revealed to be destined to stop Murkle's destruction. I somehow kept imagining him, if he did assume wolf-form, to be a small black wolf. Unsure as to why . . . and an intriguing twist as to Tabitha having a wolf cub for a baby brother. Oh, by the way, excellent lesson Mr. Baldwin gave in chapter fourteen on selective breeding and domestication with the arctic foxes. He nailed exactly how it works, even alluding it to the domestication of dogs and wolves from prehistoric times. I love lessons where the teacher shows, and doesn't just lecture, and tells stories. I also get the feeling that Jinger's story, and her connection to the Murkle Moon, has only begun to be revealed . . . Kestrellian

A YARG Review - Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon - Lucy Middlemass Lucy, I liked this a lot. The prolog works very well - the oddities of a Moon with its own mind and Arthur's situation. The segue into the protag's first day at school is well done. My comments are mainly to do with minor points of readability and reader comprehension. As a general point, I would suggest only using Britishisms is they are likely to appeal to a foreign English-speaking reader, and to avoid them if they confuse. Spelling, of course, is a trivial issue that can be addressed for a book's particular market. I think you have a keeper here! Good luck. Simon Prologue: 1. ...(which he really was not: death could find him through the proper channels). 'Some other time' is redundant. Also, suggest the colon rather than semi-colon, for effect. 2. ...(somewhere around the equator would be neatest)... - this change because you are referring to a conceit that the cane's globe has an equator, which it does not, the 'its' therefore being inappropriate. 3. "Oh heavens, oh dear" - 'cursed' or better, 'exclaimed' - American readers tend to give 'curse' a stronger meaning than British readers. 4. "You shouldn't be down there" - the moon was behind clouds, is now shining DOWN on the town and a light in the sky prompted Arthur to look back. The reader's perspective expects "You shouldn't be up there". Since Murkle is high in the mountains BEHIND him, perhaps... 'a light in the sky made him look UP'. Not to make too much of this, but it's a key passage and important that the reader can exactly reconcile the relative postions of Arthur, Murkle and the Moon. 5. ...the trouble this celestial wandering... -perhaps 'celestial meandering' to avoid repetition of keyword 'wander' later in the same paragraph. Chapter 1: 6. If Jessica is pulling on her school clothes, why is it 'too early' for Jinger? 7. "Ready for freaky school, sis?" / She tried to think of something equally unpleasant to say... This reads oddly in the US. I'm a Brit in the US, with teenage children, and here a child (to be snarky) might say "Ready for your freak school, sis?" or more likely "Getting ready for the freak show, sis?". Also, freak/freaky has connotations that may be different on either side of the pond (check out Wiki : freak). 8. She looked at her finished reflection - perhaps, 'finally done, she studied her reflection' - shades of meaning in glance, look, stare, study. Also, can a reflection be finished? 9. ...as hard as a tiny shell on the side of a boat - the metaphor is a bit of a mess. Perhaps... ' as hard as a clam to a rock'. 10. Jinger and her dad... - this paragraph's two sentences conatins two negative predicates. This reads a trifle clumsily. 11. Was the car dark-colored, or its interior unlit? 12. The satchel: I found this confusing: if Jinger felt confident she would not look like a loser, why, a few paragraphs later is her choice wrong? 13. ...on his metal glasses frame - why not just 'on his spectacles' or 'on his glasses' ? 14. Ginger. Oh, okay. - There may be a point to this (I haven't read far enough ahead to find out - perhaps Tabs later writes Jinger a note and mispells her name) but if not and the names are phonetically identical, then I would suggest 'Jinger. Oh, okay', or have Jinger tell Tabs 'its spelled with a J'.

Hey Lucy, just had a re-read of the start of your book and the first thing I'd say is it's a real pleasure to read. There's a cadillac smoothness to everything and it feels like a book that has been edited with a lot of care. here are my thoughts. Prologue. 'Death had simply passed him by ' is a great and arresting line esp as you have given it some space . I think your short paragraphs are really fun to read and I might try and steal that for my book.. '...confronted in at least pairs' is a slightly off sentence for me. couldn't tell you exactly why but "at least pairs" jarred a tiny bit. Chapter one. I think thirteen years later would work better as a subheading before the chapter, as the sentence 'thirteen years later, Jinger was avoiding her sister' as a sentence falsely implies a kind a kind of causal relationship between the two clauses. Hope that makes sense :) I really like the relationship between the dad and the daughter where the dad tries to encourage Jinger but ends up undermining her. I think it's a great dynamic that could be expanded upon (and maybe is later on) the 'and now even that was wrong' about the sports bag is a great understated development of the character. Overall really good stuff and I'm sure you will be reviewed accordingly when you hit the desk.

YALF Review Firstly, Lucy, congratulations on the No 1 spot. Despite reading this all before and having had it on my shelf from the first time I encountered it, I had forgotten how brilliant it is and just how much I love it. It is emotional, funny, clever and intriguing and very original. It is also beautifully written and professionally presented. I have read it through again to chapter fifteen and tried to look out for plot issues as that was what you said you were worried about Chapter 5 Nice humour and Arthur's backstory is told in an interesting way. Chapter 7 Great opening paragraph - again I am in awe of your characterisation and the depth of emotion in the story. Chapter 8 a good hook ending chapter 9 Lots of good clues about the wolves in here and again, nicely flowing backstory. The reader knows more than the characters which is great! Chapter 10 Again, good backstory and a nice hint at the future plot with May's secret Chapter 11 I like the way the reader gets to know more than Jinger here. Another good bit of backstory and the introduction of Granny Bloom whose story is a key part of the plot This is such a great mystery. The plot has such depth and is like a puzzle that the reader has to put together. I am noticing more hints at the outcome on this second reading. So far the plot seems sound and I am following everything okay. Chapter 12 Another piece of the puzzle added with the info that Arthur is actually Jinger's granddad, a fact that the reader know but Jinger doesn't, which is good. Chapter 13 If this is the only mention of little Susie I'm not sure she actually needs a name - not sure she needs to be included at all unless she plays a part later, perhaps just a generic reference to dog kennels 'Unless Tabs is keeping another interesting secret' I didn't understand this- but I probably will later. Why do the dogs react differently to Tabs. Ah I've just remembered - it is because she can already change but has been hiding it. Chapter 14 Mr Baldwin is really mean Arthur obviously doesn't know that Jinger is his granddaughter so this another great case of the reader knowing more than the characters. The plot is thickening, but is still quite straightforward to follow. 'or if a fifteen year old' - should this be 'or if the'? This is so good. Kirstie

Hi Lucy and Jinger! Yay! Congratulations for making it to number 1! All the very best! D Leo & Rover: The Purple Marble Adventures

Hey Lucy. One of the great things about Authonomy is that you get to interact with people who hold such different interests and opinions in reading and writing. Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon is evidence of this. The comments, ratings and bookshelves this book has accumulated shows that there's a deep appreciation for it from a lot of members. However, as much as I hate to say it, after getting to Chapter 8, this story just couldn't hold my interest. While this sort of genre isn't one I'd delve into in the first place, there were a few major qualms I had. The first is Jinger herself. I found her to be a rather-uninteresting character, in that she seems incredibly passive and weak-minded. She allows herself to be defined by her twin (who was much more interesting to read about), she wallows in her weaknesses and insecurities, and she almost seems to be sleepwalking through the first few chapters at Murkle. There was little about her that made me interested in what she was going through. I didn't really care if she's supposed to fulfill a prophecy or something along those lines, because I didn't really care about her. Now, obviously, a character is meant to grow over the course of a novel, but with the amount of background you share about Jinger in the initial chapters, it feels like her plain, dour personality isn't going to be changing much. That, in turn, led me to a great confusion about just what genre this story falls into. I see you've labeled it as a fantasy, but beyond such a label the novel doesn't seem to define just what it is. I think the issue lies in the prologue: a 100-year-old man is standing alone, speaking to a full moon on New Years Eve. The first time I read it, I thought the whole conversation was in the man's head--it's not uncommon for characters in a book to feel that an inanimate object is talking to them. So as I read on I couldn't figure out what the Murkle Moon is, because I couldn't tell what kind of novel I was reading. Is this a book where things seem fantastical to the characters but are really rational--an imagined conversation with a moon, for example--or is this actual fantasy, and the Murkle Moon is actually a second moon for Murkle? When I read it, I thought the Moon was the same moon everyone else sees, but it simply appears differently to the town. So I definitely felt a bit lost. Finally, while your writing is very tight and well done, it feels a but too subdued at points. When Felix is choking on the meat, for example, you write with a lack of urgency, as if his choking is just one more thing to describe. Clearly, there is a style in this story that you've followed, but I'd suggest adding a bit more energy and intensity to the more important plot points. Those are my thoughts. I'm in the minority, so there's a good chance I'm missing the point entirely due to my own literary preferences, but hopefully you can find this useful, if solely for another perspective. I still think you're awesome. Thanks for all the work you do on this site. -Drew :)

Hey Lucy, I read the first three chapters of your book, and I loved it! This book may be for young adults, but I think older adults can read it too-its enjoyable,sweet yet mature,engrossing,introspective and sensitive. Your perfect grammar and lack of mistakes make this manuscript a benchmark,at least for me.A lesson for me here to-always pay attention to the technical part of my script :) Jinger is sweet,decent and even though she is mistreated by Jessica, she doesn't harbor any bad feelings towards her. Arthur is downright hilarious-his thoughts and actions managed to tickle my funny bone. Miss Flapp has a presence of her own-she is 'unusual' and this quality makes her very interesting and colorful. I am giving you six stars-this book deserves it-and I want it to do well. God bless you.Love,Percy

YALF review I've commented on this before, but it was a while ago, so I had to start at the very beginning. Honestly, it makes me nervous to give any sort of review because you are far better writer than I, and "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon" is brilliant. I love Arthur. He is quite endearing. And, kids everywhere will relate to Jinger, who is just a bit unsure of herself. I can tell you've done a lot of editing. There was really not much by way of grammatical or spelling errors, so most of what I have to say are thoughts I had while I was reading. Of course, take or leave it. Prologue: - Love it! You've put just enough strangeness in there to hook your readers. The idea of a moon that has a mind of its own is unique and definitely something that demands further investigation. - There was one sentence that felt a little awkward: "The fireworks disappeared and reappeared as loudly and as beautifully over and over again." The use of "as" implies a comparison and I didn't see one. Maybe I missed it, but perhaps you meant "as loudly and as beautifully as before...?" Chapter 2: Should there be a comma after "school" in "When Arthur returned to the school the sky suddenly looked breathtaking...?" Chapter 7: - In general, I felt the chapters from the POV of adults were a little slow when looking at it from the perspective of your preteen/teen audience. It's dangerous when writing from adult perspectives because, when expressing more adult emotions, the kids can't relate to the characters, and they will lose interest. This doesn't mean that I think that you should not write the adults' POV. In fact, it may be necessary at times, but it might help to up the pacing a bit. As a parent of five children, I absolutely love this chapter and can relate to the feelings of Julia. However, I don't know that the kids will. - I felt that this chapter was placed in an awkward spot. I know you've probably put it in there for a good reason - everything you write has a purpose - but I'm wondering if there's a better spot for this. Chapter 8: Paragraph 5 - The last two sentences start with "he." I think it might flow better if you combine the two. Chapter 9: - "The tall blonde girl Sasha's bed was gone." - This sentence is a bit clunky and I think there should be a comma after "girl." - Again, this flashback feels awkwardly placed. I'm wondering if it would be best at the beginning of the chapter - have her open the package right after she gets it, have the flashback as she sees what's inside and put it on. Then I would have her have the conversation with Tabs, going to class and having her notice Felix's reaction to it. Overall, I think your book is fantastic. I don't know why it hasn't been picked up by someone yet. You've already been rated highly by me and will continue to dominate a spot on my bookshelf. Lynn Surviving Sunset

Hi Lucy, Your prologue was a well portrayed one with the ‘Centenarian at the centre’, who is said to have given up determination when retired. However, you could sneak the determination he had in life with the sentence “Death could find him through proper channels some other time”. Obviously that was the sentence I liked most. With the conversation between him and Murkle moon you revealed the imagination the reader should expect with the read ahead (Obviously this one deserves to be in the first five) Being a slow reader I could complete first two chapters only, but would return to read the remaining in a couple of days. I am adding you to my WL. I would definitely suggest this book to my fellow colleagues as and when it reaches book stores (and expecting it soon). Thank you for inviting me to such a wonderful work. Best wishes for all your dreams. Regards Liinsa Hines Behind the Revolutions- Walk with a Soul

YALF Review I’ve commented ages ago, and people have done the early chapters a lot, so I thought I’d live in later on and do some chapters from there: Chapter 19 I was wondering at the start if ‘But if he did that someone was bound to turn up, urgently needing…’ requires some commas? ‘But, if he did that, someone was bound to turn up, urgently…’ - sort of subordinate clause going on there and I read it first as ‘But if he did that someone’ However that’s clunky, so maybe just one comma after ‘that’? I dunno. Commas confuse me sometimes! I liked this short chapter. I liked the back and forth of conversation trying to find out if he was the right man. I loved the end of the chapter, too, and wanted to find out myself why he needed to be lying down. Chapter 20 Good start with Felix in the dorm, hoping to change for the first time that night. Loved all the detail of him going into the kitchens and being shown the cake etc. Actually smelt the croissant when it was given to him. Great visual description and atmosphere that builds a really solid sense of place. There’s a sense of anticipation as he makes his way to the upper school – so very certain he’s going to change that night and that everything will be fine. As a reader it seems certain at this point that it’s all going to go wrong! There was such a sense of tension, that I was almost let down when it turned out to be ‘only’ his brothers that jumped him and not something worse. Still, it left me feeling mad for him, on his behalf. The writing is very involving. You have the knack of drawing the reader in to the story and not just reading. I think it’s the detail you include – not ‘tacked on’ but just there naturally. It all helps to make the world very real and isn’t something that can be taught I don’t think, without appearing clunky. You’re lucky that you have the knack already. Glad to see he managed to eat his cake. I had thought he wasn’t going to make it when he was going up to the school. He’s making plans again, and I’m almost sure they won’t turn out as he hopes. Chapter 21 The Longest Night begins. Something a bit clumsy about this bit: ‘He had put his blazer back on in his room earlier then, having stuck his head out of the dorm window, he changed his mind…’ I think you should sick with the tense – ‘he had.’ By putting just ‘…dorm window, had changed his mind.’ Also here: ‘Felix noticed for the first time a quiet group of older pupils had walked…’ I think you need something there, either ‘Felix noticed for the fist time, that a group of older pupils had…’ or ‘Felix noticed for the first time a quiet group of older pupils that had walked….’ Typo here where Jinger says – ‘You want to be a wolf so much that you EVEN forgot to EVEN thank me….’ did you want both evens? And oh! The end, when he doesn’t change and is taken by a Woodcutter! Chapter 22 and 23 Nothing to say about 22, just that it was good and tense. Then we get back to Felix again, to find he’s with his dad! This whole chapter really kept my attention. First thinking something bad was happening to him, then his dad being ok with it, then I felt sorry for him that he obviously wasn’t going to change like he wanted, then that it was better if he didn’t, THEN that I didn’t trust Culpin at all, or believe what the girl said. It really kept me guessing and wondering what was going on. Really good. Chapter 24 too was intriguing. So, read from 19-24 inc. and very much enjoying it. Will try to read more. Sorry it’s a bit late, not been online for a few days with family issues.

YALF Review You have a great concept here - original, definitely, and very intriguing. Liked the characterisation of Arthur in the prologue - it serves as a good introduction to your story: just enough information given to make it tantalising, but not so much withheld that I was left confused. You do a lot with a little in your writing: scenarios are captured effortlessly with one or two carefully chosen words. Didn't spot any typos, either. This is perfect for a YA audience - and being a YA myself, I would know :) I can imagine it appealing to many people, since you've got the chatty teenage style - the banter between the sisters, interactions between Jinger, Felix and Tabs, life at a boarding school - but also the alluring theme of fantasy. I do have to agree with one or two other reviewers, though: Jinger's reaction at the end of Ch7 seemed a little out of proportion... Congratulations on your well-deserved high ranking! Isabel

YALF Review You have a great concept here - original, definitely, and very intriguing. Liked the characterisation of Arthur in the prologue - it serves as a good introduction to your story: just enough information given to make it tantalising, but not so much withheld that I was left confused. You do a lot with a little in your writing: scenarios are captured effortlessly with one or two carefully chosen words. Didn't spot any typos, either. This is perfect for a YA audience - and being a YA myself, I would know :) I can imagine it appealing to many people, since you've got the chatty teenage style - the banter between the sisters, interactions between Jinger, Felix and Tabs, life at a boarding school - but also the alluring theme of fantasy. I do have to agree with one or two other reviewers, though: Jinger's reaction at the end of Ch7 seemed a little out of proportion... Congratulations on your well-deserved high ranking! Isabel

Absolutely bewitching! A pitch perfect introduction that kidnaps your sense of time and space. I've fallen in love with this story after the first two chapters, and can see many an Autumn night curled up with this book like an old friend. Brilliant work! Thank you. C. E. Frizzell Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally

YALF Lucy, I have really enjoyed reading Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. You've got a unique concept here, with an extra moon that hangs around a quirky town called Murkle, which resides on a mountain. Though we never quite find out why Murkle has its own moon, the uniqueness of the town's inhabitants makes up for that unanswered question. This is a well polished MS, and at any rate I was too pulled into the story to catch any grammar mistakes, if there were any. Some other YALF comments have suggested that starting with Arthur is not exciting enough, but I don't agree. After all, HP starts off with the most boring Muggle you can imagine. Arthur is infinitely more exciting than Uncle Vernon; he is, after all, conversing with a wandering moon. Would mentioning the house with the red roof again toward the end of the prologue, perhaps alluding to the two new babies crying or something, serve as a bit more of a hook? Then the first chapter starts off with Jinger and Jessica, and we can guess that there is something special about one or both of these girls. Some of the chapters are extremely short, and I'd caution against stopping in the middle of a scene to force a hook if it is not a natural stopping place. The best example of this is chapter 6, when you end the chapter just as she gets to the dining hall, and the hook is that 'nothing could have prepared her for what she saw in that hall.' When we come back to Jinger in chapter 8, the dining hall is fairly empty, and everyone is in their pajamas. I guess I just expected something more dramatic, and I felt a little let down. I also felt the story line involving Dorothy could have been developed a little more, and her character introduced a little sooner, maybe even in the first chapter when Jinger's dad is dropping her off in Lower Murkle. That portion, which is a big part of the larger plot, just didn't seem as developed as it should have been, given the significance. Does that make sense? That is all I have for now, and hopefully I can revisit before the end of the fortnight. Kate

Sorry this has taken so long; A very original and highly enjoyable story. Your discriptions of the mundane as well as the majestic, are impeccable. The characters are well drawn and believable (I particularly like Douglas). You have managed to tie up all the loose ends but at the same time left the door ajar for many more stories. I am sure Jinger Barley is destined to become a household name. I have awarded a constellation of stars and wish you success. Yours Bea

YALF / YARG review Hi Lucy, I’ve read another 3 chapters of Murkle Moon (12-14). I’ve been meaning to get back to it for a while but I’ve been mental busy. As you know, I love it, so I haven’t too much to add to my reviews for the first 11 chapters. Just a couple of notes: In the first paragraph of chapter 12 I think you could say ‘something to think about other than Felix’s…’ The ‘something ELSE to think about OTHER than’ seems unnecessary. Also the repetition of ‘USE this time USEFULLY’ could be fixed. I liked ‘crumpled dad’ a lot. I thought Jinger would be a bit more shocked when Tabs mentioned the werewolves. The dog breeding is complicated topic but I think you got it across very well. I like Felix and Tabs, their personalities are really starting to come through. Good luck with the Editors! Em

YALF Review :-) !!!! OK!!! Crazy ending! There should be a law against writers doing that to people! :-) !!! not nice! GREAAAAT Book!!! but not nice! :-) lol! :-) So, here we go! lots of notes. Take what you want, dump the rest. Im just a reader. :-) The story is so much fun! I was worried at the beginning that it would turn into a werewolf\ vampire horror story, but I loved that the wolves were so fun. :-) My kind of werewolf story, if I had one. :-) I loved how the mystery grew and grew and grew, adding more complexity at every turn. :-) Your characters started out strong and became more and more vivid throughout. they became alive to me--one of the reasons your ending kills me. I have to know what happens "for real." I will be going over and over in my head, what could happen now, but it won't end for me because its not really what happened until I read it from your pages. So I hope you write the next book. :-) Okay, sorry. more notes: I enjoyed the pieces of background stories that you slip in here and there to answer questions and give us nice foundation. They fill the story with substance, and "history," and just make it feel "full." While most of your work is great to read: fun, exciting, and interesting, every once in a while, it feels like I get bogged down in words. Sometimes your sentences are creating words just to be creative, and losing sight of their purpose. Sometimes less is more. and while everything that you add to your story, adds something to your story, your plot is sooooo great, maybe you dont need so much of the "fluff" that gets in the way of the plot in my head. My sister told me once, "you wrote it, dont be afraid to 'unwrite" it. I didnt know if I liked that, because what I put on paper, was so creatively "mine", but I understood later, that I didnt need everything I had written. I only need to include those things that move the plot, those things that add life to my story. IF it doesnt add life to my story, I might want to think again. So here's an example: chapter 18 "she stood on shoes . . with an enormous blocked sole that extended the entire length of the foot, elevating her to a height above anyone else in the crowd" would a simpler statement do the same thing without working my mind so hard? ". ., she wore . . .platforms that elevated her above anyone else in the crowd." ?? sometimes extra long sentences can get confusing: "in her bedroom off the foyer now the girls had gone upstairs, Ms Flapp checked her emails again. . . " I think there is a missing word there, "now that? the girls had gone to bed" ?? but it is still a little awkward.. Another very creative sentence that feels like it stops the story so I can "enjoy the lovely writing," instead of helping me really feel or see what you want me to experience here: , " . . agile mine rapidly vaulting over a series of horrible thoughts each one lodging itself uncomfortably in her brain as she passed by." It felt like this sentence, however, lovely and complicated it was, didnt really help me understand what she was thinking. The feeling I get when I think of an agile brain that can vault rapidly, is one that is fast and smooth, and very adept at handling any bumps in the road, or any new items that might come along to jar what we are familiar with. So maybe I got stuck there because the phrase just kind of contradicted itself. Either way, my brain just runs much more simply. Maybe her mind was spinning with these new thoughts - maybe some got stuck in the pit of her stomach. You might want to take a look at some of your more complex phrasing and think what you are wanting the reader to feel, and read it out loud to see if you have accomplished that task. But then my brain might just be old. :-) complex: ". . . chopping heap after heap of dark green herbs that Felix did not know the name of" simplified option " chopping heaps of dark green herbs that Felix had never seen before" Complex - "Everyone would be extra careful to get plenty of important morning sleep today in preparations for the long night ahead." simplify? let go of "trying to write" and let your feelings and thoughts flow naturally. Your natural writing "voice" is incredible! again - Same: "He had got up very early this morning and although he would not usually waste his birthday sleeping, it was an excellent idea to be thoroughly rested for tonight; the part that really mattered." (if you do keep this one- you might want to use "gotten" instead of "got" ) did nots and had nots, would nots : you have a lot of "did not"s and "had not"s . If you decided to push them together into contractions, it would create much smoother reading. Someone told me that if you write how you talk, or how your character would talk, that it makes for smoother reading. I believe it. Sometimes you need to keep the did not to emphasis that they really DID NOT do something, or sometimes, a person's character or personality will talk that way, but most of the time, it helps to use the contractions. "Chef Davies did not stop what he was doing as Felix bumped up along side him." "Chef Davis did not help" "Felix did not know" "He increased his pace and did not stop again." quick fix: "learnt" might want to use "learned" "he caught hold of his trouser leg in his teeth" "caught hold of his trouser leg with his teeth," ?? ". . . holding steaming bowls of soup and children spun around their legs. . ." try "holding steaming bowls of soup while children spun around their legs. . ." "shoes caked in filth" my thought: the word "filth" carries a connotation that there is much more really gross stuff other than just mud on those shoes, where the story gives me the feeling that it was just a ton of mud. "shoes caked in mud" gives a whole different feel, and may be closer to what you are wanting us to see. ?? I had a lot of confusion at the beginning of chapter 38 two girls sent to their room, Jinger is thinking, Jess stays, Who is thinking about pizza? back in Jinger's head. when did Jinger leave the room? now Jinger is at the table with her dad. oh, then Tabs is there too? Is Jess in her room alone? I was way confused. :-) With all that-- I loved this book! When your voice comes through, I sailed right through, thrilled with the story, the characters the plot, the unfolding mystery. chapters 19, 22, and most of the later chapters just flew. :-) soo much fun. :-) I love your imagery, your background, your scenery, and the details. Everytime I have seen the full moon outside since I read the first part of your story, I think of your Murkle moon and half wait for it to slide across the sky. :-) I loved your quote, "The murkle moon hung weakly in the pale blue sky looking like a disk of smudged chalk above the trees." ( although I don't know if you need the word "looking" ) But It was a fun surprise to see that you brought that quote back as the very last sentence of your book. It felt like we were waiting for it to move to action again, just like we will be waiting to see what these girls are going to do next! The perfect ending, statement. :-) I love it when things that I read make me ponder and ask questions. :-) So these are just the thoughts of a fellow reader. I know its really hard for me to see this stuff in my own writing, which is why I love this web site so much! I learn so much from reading other peoples books, and even more from their comments. So, if they're not helpful, just dump my comments and keep on writing! You are an incredible writer, with an ingenious, and captivating story. Young people everywhere will love it. Good luck! Looks like I'll be slipping you back on my shelf again. want to make sure you get to that editors desk this time around. :-) Jeannette Singleton Journey to Kalado're

YALF Review: Chapter seven: This chapter does a nice job of filling in what happened to Jinger’s mother; I really like how you use multiple viewpoints in this book. A little bit of nitpicking: This sentence sounded a bit odd: “Julie gently put the telephone down on her husband and laughed.” Maybe just, “Julie gently put the telephone down and laughed.”? “I hope you’ve been good girls, or they’ll be trouble!” Should this be: “I hope you’ve been good girls, or there’ll be trouble!”? Chapter Eight: Jinger’s bewilderment at the school’s late mornings comes across really well. I’m curious to find out the reasoning behind that. “Hello Jinger,” should probably be “Hello, Jinger,” I’m definitely looking forward to reading more of this.

What a wonderful beginning of a story. You write so clearly and smoothly and beautiful. A person just kind of drifts with interest and is hooked immediately. I love the beginning of this story and will be back soon when time permits to read more. Please stop by and take a look at Elizabeth McBride. I would love to have you there! :)

Lucy-- I've read through chapter four now and decided to back your book. I do plan to read more as your story has already intrigued me, though right now I am pressed for time. I think you have a great beginning here. Your skill and abilities are evident. I love the touches of humor you threw in, like the stew on the head teachers' shirt. The size of your chapters are perfect for middle graders and the story line and characters certainly are interesting and will surely sustain their curiosity. Well done! Best wishes, GW

I have read the first two chapters so far. The prologue reminded me a bit of Night Circus. I'm keen to find out how this character develops. A person below commented on the frequency of adverbs which I agree with. I have been reading a few creative writing books and they recommend showing rather than telling, e.g. hair colour etc. When I have some time each day I will devote it to reading the rest of it.

Definately original and well written. I don't want to stop reading but unfortunately i have to go out :( I will be back to read more, but before i go, high ratings from me :)

YALF Review Well, I love the prologue. It introduces the Murkle Moon, complete with curvy backside! I can understand the view about the protagonist not appearing in the prologue and the book starting with an old man - but that is what makes this different and magical and quirky. Opening with a first day at school or sisters bickering would not set up the story for the original and magical experience it is and originality is definitely your strong point, Lucy I also think the prologue sets up the story question very well. Why is the Murkle Moon wandering, I ask. What does it all mean? How is Arthur going to stop it? 'darting out of her room and picking up' I wondered if a comma might be better than 'and' Chapter 1 The interactions between Jessica and Jinger are excellent and give the reader plenty of insights into the characters of the two girls. This scene also provides an great opportunity to describe Jinger in a natural way. Jinger's self-doubts made me empathise with her from the start and are something teen girls will relate to. The double 'in' in 'you'll settle in in no time is awkward. Perhaps just 'you'll soon settle in' or something? 'No one uses one's like that anymore' is also awkward sounding - perhaps just 'no one uses rucksacks anymore? The rucksack incident demonstrates so perfectly and poignantly that horrible feeling of not fitting in and never being able to get things right. Again it demonstrates Jinger's insecurities and her relationship with her sister - awesome characterisation. In the para starting Jinger's heart sank, the third sentence made it sound like she had a feeling she was going to make mistakes about other people all night rather than being mistaken for a first year all night. Chapter 2 'rubbery black cup at the end of the enormous instrument' sorry - lol - sorry - just my dirty mind. This is a lovely, quirky chapter, but perhaps a little slow moving for so early in the story. It introduces Ms Flapp well - again brilliant characterisation. Chapter 3 This works well, introducing the teachers and showing the connection between Jinger and Arthur. The ending has a good hook with the reader wondering if Felix will choke to death! Chapter 4 'The new Third Year' seems like you are trying not to overuse 'Jinger' or 'she' but I wondered at first if you were referring to the entire third year. I thoroughly enjoyed these first few chapters and your characterisation is superb. I know from reading this previously that the plot hots up a lot and that you are masterful with your hooks to keep the reader interested. I also enjoy the switches of viewpoint immensely later in the book. That said, I do think that perhaps there is a need for a bit more drama, hints and more obvious ominous happenings in this opening - but several people have said that my pacing is much too fast so I'm probably not the best person to offer advice on this.

Hi there! I’m finally here to uphold my end of the read exchange. Right off, I have to say that I enjoyed the style and voice of the Prologue and Chapter 2. It read like those old, comforting classics I loved as a kid and still love today. I admit I am not a regular YA reader, but I still enjoyed the chapters I read, and I think the book will appeal to many, and in fact, I see it already has. Here are some things I noted during the read : Prologue: I loved the opening line and paragraph. They do a good job of setting the tone for what is to come. I also loved the sarcastic little side comments, like: ‘…death could find him through the proper channels…’ I noticed a lot of adverbs: improperly, confidently, politely, grandly, are some examples. Also, I am not sure what a ‘diamond voice’ is supposed to sound like. Is it a hard voice, or does it ring clear, like crystal? Chapter 1: ‘Thirteen years later…’ I kept thinking, ‘later than what?’ I guessed it referred to 13 years after the Prologue. I think I was confused because to me, a Prologue is sort of in it’s own category, relevant to the storyline but also sort of ‘detached’ from it at the same time. So I wasn’t prepared for Chapter 1 to continue straight on from where the Prologue left off. Then I thought maybe that’s not it at all but that the word ‘still’ was missing after ‘Jinger was’ (as if to say she was in the habit of avoiding her obnoxious sister), and that’s what the opening was referring to. Anyway, it’s probably just me, so I wouldn’t worry about it if no one else mentioned it. Jinger tells Tabs she’s from Brink Stenton, and a little further on it says she was going to tell them (Tabs and Felix) she was from Brink Stenton. So maybe she was going to ‘remind’ them she was from there? At this point, I wasn’t sure where the story was taking place. Is the location an extension of our real world, where talking to the Moon and naming new stars is an everyday thing, or is this a completely made up one? Also, up until chapter 2, there is very little background given about the school, its relation to the outside world, if it’s a secret or if it’s widely known that there are people who manage the stars and moon and all that, etc. Also, in terms of context, it might be nice to have some description about where they are (city or country?) and what era. I think this might help to ground the story. I love the last line of this chapter. Chapter 3: ‘…woo the stars…’ Fantastic! Very visual. And yes, the teacher is delightfully odd. J I can see why people enjoy this story and are backing it in such great numbers. You have developed an entertaining and fun story for all to enjoy. All the best at the ED. :) Dyane The Purple Morrow

I am thoroughly enjoying your book Lucy. Don't be surprised if it gets scooped up for publication. The need for editing, so far, is small--mostly adverbs and bits of repetition. The plot is outstanding and your characterization is classroom example quality (that's a good thing:) Thank you for posting your book.

Chapters Six and Seven More intrigue and surprises here with the teacher running from the wolves and hints of other mysteries. I like the fact you leave us hanging, as you take us on another journey with the sad story of Julia, the twins' mother. Very movingly written. Jx

Chapter Four Just a quick note on Chapter Three. I think the impact would be greater if you left off the last sentence 'On her first night.' Or incorporate it into the sentence before. The image of her hand down his throat is a strong one and it would be great to end the chapter with that. Again I like the ending of Chapter Four - a hint of mystery as one of the girls leaves the room. Although, maybe she just went to the bathroom? Did Jinger hear her come back? Chapter Five There's a feeling of back story being dropped in here - is this Arthur's point of view? I wonder if POV waivers and it becomes you telling the reader what you want them to know? I'm not very good at POV so maybe it's just me who feels this. Will return. Jx

What a fab read! I haven't finished it all yet - I shall dip into it and savour every chapter over the next couple of days. Wonderfully written, superbly imagined. It's books like this that put a smile on your face and cheer up a drab autumn day. You've got a real knack for drawing the reader in and making us want to turn the page. Wishing you heaps of luck, Lucy, with JB&TMM. You deserve success with this. Eva

Grimoire Review: Chapter two: This is a really funny, charming chapter. It does a good job filling the reader in on what Arthur and the Murkle moon have been doing in the last thirteen years. Ms Flap’s indecisiveness is portrayed in a funny and original way. One thing I wasn’t completely sure of: “She had often been struck by how naturally Arthur did this sort of thing. It had embarrassed her at first but he pretended not to notice her embarrassment to save her feelings. She thought she might as well pretend not to find it embarrassing to save his.” This might just be me missing something obvious, but I really wasn’t clear on what Ms Flap is embarrassed by. Arthur’s impatience? His helping her off the floor? I feel like I’m missing something. Chapter three: Wonderful imagery of the headboard reminding Jinger of a headstone. And you end the chapter on a very dramatic, suspenseful note. I did think there was quite a bit of telling in this chapter, with all the dialogue being indirect, and a whole lot of scene setting. It makes it a little different and slower than the past chapters which were fast-paced and well dramatized. Chapter four: The Felix episode is disgustingly well-described :) I can’t really think of anything negative to say about this chapter. You really do an excellent job of ending all your chapters at intriguing points. Chapter five: I like Arthur’s perspective here, especially his attempts at conquering the art of emails and technology. Chapter six: I know Jinger is confused about what she’s seeing and what’s going on, but I thought it was maybe a bit too confusing. The order in which the information is giving feels kind of disorganized: She wakes up and looks out the window, but there’s no detail of what she sees out there, or even if it’s day or night. Then she remembers taking a drink of water. She thinks that she lay down and looked out the window but reasons that she couldn’t have because what she sees (and it’s still not clear what she sees) has to be a dream. Then the information is given that her roommates have already left. She remembers Felix choking. These two things make her want to leave. She plots to call her Dad on the weekend to take her back home. She also plans to act as though her time in school here is just a holiday, part of summer break away from home. And then what she sees out the window is finally described: the sport’s teacher running with three wolves following him. She again thinks that she must be dreaming, but it looks like she had already taken a drink from the water glass. Then she tries to sleep. Eventually she gets up and goes to see about breakfast. The timeline just seemed too complicated to me, too much trying to figure out what had been done when. Is there any way you could reorganize it? Maybe have her wake up and realize her roommates have left. That combined with her memory of Felix makes her want to leave. She plans calling home and surviving what she hopes will only be a few days here. Then she takes a drink of water. Then she sees the teacher and the wolves and thinks it has to be a dream, and so pretends to sleep. Eventually gets up, etc. Maybe it’s just me, but I think something along those lines might flow a little better. Anyway, I thought these chapters were really fun to read. Jinger’s a very likable character and I want to find out what happens to her and the Murkle Moon.

I just finished the second chapter. This book is fantastic! I love the way you personalize each character, and your descriptions are stunning but not over the top. Everything is so well-planned and carefully ordered that the book flows smoothly enough to render me unable to stop reading. Your diction seems effortless, and everything in the story is expressed nice and subtly, but not too subtly. It's perfect. I love your style of writing. The one thing I thought could benefit from a little alteration was the very beginning of Chapter 1, when Jessica is picking on Jinger. The insults are good, not overly conspicuous, but they seemed just a little too uncalled for. The unnecessary meanness works well for the character of Jessica, but on the other hand, it might seem a little more believable in this scene if Jinger said something to provoke it. It doesn't have to be goading or anything; it could just be some small comment with innocent intentions that Jessica simply takes the wrong way. Again, I love what Jessica's actions say about her character, but I personally think this might seem more realistic if it wasn't entirely unprovoked. However, this was the only thing I picked up on as a reader; the rest was absolutely superb! I'm looking forward to reading more, and keep up the good work! Laura

Lucy, This is it. The anticipation is killing me…. Chapter 36: -C36, P3, Is Ms Flapp a young person who would say doozy? I suppose that would make her about 40, cuz I’m not sure that’s a young person’s word (but I find it funny Arthur thinks so – since he’s so old). It just got me wondering how old she is? I assumed around 30-35, though she sounds matronly at times. -C36, P10, seems like you are missing a word in: “he had been recovering from a stab wound in [the] hospital followed by…” Speaking of which, I love the way you just gloss over the big events. The chapter opens with Arthur at home even though he just got stabbed. And we have to wait this long to figure of that he’s recovering fine. It’s infuriatingly brilliant. -I really liked the way you summed up everything in Arthur’s words. It was all there for us to see, and it could have been a boring chapter. Instead, it made all those bits and pieces crystal clear – with one huge exception. Jessica is also an eve baby, and even Arthur doesn’t know that yet. Chapter 37: -C37, P1&2, there are a couple of sentences with conjunctions that might need commas. Remember I’m no expert with those. But it seems there should be a comma before each “but”. There are more like this in the following paragraphs too. -C37, P4, if I may suggest another grammatical change: “There were stories in Brink Stenton[,] of course[], and, like Jinger…” -C37, P7, is “guiltily” a word? Actually it is, but it just sounds a little funny. Maybe she lowers her eyes with guilt. -From the earlier chapters, it sounded like Jinger’s dad knew more about all this. I may have read that wrong, but I got this feeling that he knew more than he had let on. Now it seems the opposite as he questions her with unbelievability about the wolves. How has he not at least heard the rumors about wolves? -I smiled and laughed when Jinger found her dad’s questioning of Tabs embarrassing. That was funny! -Whoa, Jinger is going to be a wolf because the moon shined on her! How did I not anticipate that? I thought maybe, but never fully realized it until now. What about Arthur? Did he ever become a wolf? I think not. -Awesome. Jessica might be a wolf too. But would she? Was the moon still shining when she was born, or had it left by then? Chapter 39: -Arthur uses a computer? I found that fascinating in that he surely seemed like a pencil and paper kind of guy. I figured Flapp did all the typing. -Jessica got sent to Murkle too. Surprising twist. -The line about the younger daughter fiddling with a ruler confused me for a second. I had to stop and think that Jessica was the younger one. You’re obviously correct. I just always felt like she was older, in the typical older, meaner, bully type of way. Nothing to fix, just an observation. -Nice to see Jinger’s dad with a new business plan. It’s a positive ending for him. -I would probably drop the line “they had just come in through” as fairly evident that you are referring to the door they just entered. -In the very last paragraph, I would break up the first sentence into two. Besides being overly long, I would like to see ugly Jessica in the first, and sweet Jinger in the second. The conclusion, which is a fabulous conclusion to an even more fabulous book, leaves the door wide open for a sequel. I can’t wait to read that either. Now, if I must quibble a little with the abruptness to the ending, I would offer up the following as questions. -What happened to Felix? Not a big deal. It’s just that he disappeared after the Culpin attack. -What happened to Felix’s dad? He did not go to jail, so you are saving him for the villain in the sequel? It is fine, but I would almost like to see a short blurb about him somewhere toward the end – maybe scheming or disciplining Felix. -Regardless with what you do with the above, I would really like to see Tabs at the end. They’re best friends; they should close the book together. Maybe she smiles as Jinger enters the classroom to take her seat, or Jinger takes a seat next to her, or whatever. She could even scowl at Jessica. Give me anything. -Do I detect a hint of sorrow in the Murkle Moon? Hung weakly in the pale sky and smudged chalk all sound kind of gloomy. Am I reading that the Moon is worried about the future with Jessica, or maybe even worried about Arthur who is showing his age? If so, I would like you to go into just a little more detail. If not, then the moon should practically smile at Jinger, as if the moon is happy to have her back. You are an amazing talent, Ms Middlemass. I absolutely love your work.

Hello. Just a question. Is this sentence right? Chap. 33 (Authon. Chap 34) Par 1 She should (to) be able to have whatever she wanted; ice cream, chocolate…

Club Grimoire 2 review: Read through chapter 4. It's definitely a tale with lots of strange normalities and occurrences that YAs would love. You tell the story in a way that brings the various characters out slowly enough that you get to really know them. Great job. N. LaRonda Johnson (Chancelet)

I really like the awkwardness of Jinger's fist in Felix's mouth trying to get the meat out! I also like how cute it was when Julia used her nose to nudge Douglas' glasses back into position. In Chapter Seven Douglas says "They'll be trouble". Did he mean there'll be trouble? I wasn't expecting that part with the Land Rover. That was a "Holy [expletive deleted]!" moment. You end your chapters well! There is that glorious tease of and then that doesn't allow you to stop at the end of the chapter and you must go on to the next! I have to say that Chapter 12 is incredibly depressing! I still like it, but man is it a bummer! I've only read up to Chapter 14. I really like it though. I think you have good pacing and I never feel bored at any point in the story. There hasn't been any points where I've thought something needed to be added either. Any questions I have are usually answered later on in the story or are questions I expect to be answered later on. Well, there was one, when Tabs and Jinger were talking before their Natural History class, Jinger didn't seem put off by the wolf talk at all. I wasn't sure if she was very accepting of that or thought Tabs was joking, or what. Kevin Simmons The Smiling Lady YARG Review

Congratulations, Lucy! You just made it to the top 5 and Jinger Barley continues to wow the readers. Great job! All the best to you! D LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURE

Lucy, Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon does a good job blending the wildly fantastic with the mundane. The prologue drops hints about Murkle -- "Cars going the other way . . . might be swallowed up by any number of things." -- but things seem pretty familiar, until the wandering Murkle Moon shows up and talks to Arthur. Who wouldn't want to turn the page and find out more? Then we meet Jinger just as she's about to start at a new school. She doesn't seem to know any more about what's going on than the reader does, but something is pretty weird! I want to know why she's there and what they learn in this school. She seems to know less about her school than Harry did his first day at Hogwarts. Meanwhile, Arthur and Ms Flapp are naming stars . . . I'm not sure I completely buy that Tabs and Felix wouldn't tell Jinger a lot about the school during the bus ride. She might feel shy about asking too many questions, but it seems like they would want to fill her in, if only to show off their greater experience if not to be truly helpful and friendly. She wouldn't necessarily have to understand what they tell her, if you need to keep the reader in the dark a little longer, but it would be another way to drop tantalizing hints, all while establishing characters and background. I also have the tiniest quibble about the spelling of Jinger's name. I wouldn't have guessed it was pronounced "Ginger" except that one of the characters says that. If there's a reason for the spelling, it might be useful to put it in right away, when she's introduced. Does she dislike it because she's always having to spell her name for people, or does she like it because it's unusual? Is it something to do with her mother? Is it part of why she's going to this odd school? We as authors have reasons for naming characters as we do, but there often also needs to be a reason in the story that the character's parents named her what they did. If there's one here, I want to know! I didn't find any obvious typos in 4 chapters. Some sentences seemed to ramble, but not in an ungrammatical way. For example, in chapter 1, the sentence beginning, "Still, Jinger thought she looked at least smarter . . ." seems like it could be broken into two or even three sentences. (And by "smarter," does she mean "more intelligent" or "more stylish"? It's not clear from the context, and I could believe either way). The best way to identify these is to read some out loud and listen for awkwardness or natural breaks. And this seems like a book that would be fun to hear read aloud, so find yourself a willing audience if you haven't already! Best of luck with this! Karen Eisenbrey CRANE'S WAY ENDURANCE TIME SQUARED

This is the first book I've read on this site and it's absolutely entrnacing. Reading to my 12 year old right now. Lawrence

This is a YARG review. First off, I'd like to say that this is a truly wonderful book and I thank you for the honor of letting me read it. It's not just that it's polished and well-written, of course it is, but that it's heart-warming and engrossing and funny and sad, all at the same time. I couldn't find any nits to pick at. It is a lovely book and I wish you all the best with it. It must be published so that children all over the world can enjoy it! Now let me say...Blast you for leaving us hanging!!! Is there a sequel in the works? Because honestly, how am I to sleep without knowing what Jessica might do, or if Fran Mann is going to expose the town. Does Arthur ever die, because it seems that he might want to move on...and what happens between Tabs and Felix (I get the feeling that he's the reason she doesn't want to go to the upper school). Some things that could be better are as folows: Your Chapter 7 is very moving, but because it takes place out of time from the rest of the story, I was really confused. The only other places where you leave the main timeline are in the prologue and in Chapter 15 when Arthur reminisces about his Christmas with Malcolm. You lead in to this part of the plot by telling us that it is a memory. Is there some way you could clue us in to the time shift in Chapter 7 by having Douglas reminisce or some mechanism that might help the reader without damaging the flow of the chapter? I'm haing trouble with the character of Ms Flapp. If she was a child prodigy, she must have faced choices all the time. Why didn't this disability hamper her ability to get through her educational years? Or did something traumatize her later in life? Plus I'm having trouble gauging her age, which detracts for my being able to visualize the story. But even with these minor distractions, super six stars from me!

Lucy, I finished it. And I loved it :) I think you need to watch out for places where things slow down too much after the night in the observatory with Culpin. If things slow down too much, then the story might just seem like it fizzles out, when in reality it ends on a very intriguing point that makes me wish there was more. That's good. It's always great to end right when the reader is thinking, "But, what if...?" I loved this. You have, of course, received very high stars from me and I'm very glad that I read all the way through. Your characters are splendid. Arthur is a wonderful character to read. His memory and his the way he interacts with Ms. Flapp are lovely. Ms. Flapp is wonderful. Her indecisiveness is so quirky and fun. The chapters about Julia and her mother are undoubtedly my favorites. They are so touching and lovely. Julia only feeling comfortable talking to Douglas is so beautiful. May's sentiment of "Find Jack" is heartwrenching. This is wonderful. I really think that of all your characters, I like Jinger, but the chapters which follow her are the roughest. She's a strong character, but I think the writing (if ever weak) is weakest there. Maybe I should say, not the strongest there ;). Here are the things I thought of while reading to the end: - Chp30: “Why are you talking in that stupid accent?” I’m pretty sure this only the second time you’ve brought up the accent, and the first time you didn’t say she was using it. You only said that she wondered if she could imitate it. It’s kind of confusing to now suddenly learn that she’s using a different accent. Especially since I would have forgotten it entirely if I hadn’t thought about it from reading the pitch earlier. - “into the modern cul-de-sac” I’m not sure why you’ve said modern. I usually think of cul-de-sacs as a modern thing, so it sounds a little silly to call it modern - Chp32: “the Police had been here already” – I’d say there already if I were you – same thing on “Dorothy had been here before” It sounds like present tense – I’d also say there instead of this place in the following sentence. Especially because you say place again later in the paragraph and it stands out. - Chp33: “more to the unpromising single-coloured meal…” this sounds like it’s in Dorothy’s mind not Jessica’s - Chp 34: You say “only one left” and “only one child born on an eve left” one after the other. I’d change the word left to something else in the second one. - Chp35: “’Mum,’ Jinger said, not meaning it as a question.” It’s unnecessary to say “not meaning it as a question” we won’t think it’s a question since there isn’t a question mark. - Chp38: “He could see that the two teachers” I think you should cut “He could see that” since we know that it’s Douglas’s observation. - I just thought of something. In chapter 7 you say that Caroline and Julia had started school together nearly 40 years ago. That would make them at least 44 or 45 years old; which means that Julia had the girls in her late 30s. Which is sort of old to have your first children, especially if you married your lifelong sweetheart. Just a thought. Good work with this! I told my 9 year old sister about it and she thought it sounded incredible. Anna-Lara

Just read through Chapter 29. This is getting very exciting! First of all...I think you should rework at least the end of your long pitch. It says that “she even tries to imitate their accent” but in actuality, she only thinks about whether she could imitate it or not. At least that’s how I remember it. Your pitch makes it sound like the main part of the book is going to be her trying to fit in with the other kids in Murkle, but that doesn’t seem like it’s the most important thing to me. I think you should focus on what the mystery of the Murkle school is and the further mystery as to why Jinger is at the school. After reading so much of this, I just don’t think that your pitch does your book justice. This is a note I decided to take down while reading chapter 25: I feel like there has been a significant passage of time. Jinger talks in Chp 25 as if she’s been to many astronomy classes and Mr. Oldham sits in on some of them, Felix has one paragraph (can’t remember where) in which he talks about Jinger like she is someone who he has got to know very well, and there are other things that make me feel like it’s much later in the term. However, since most of Jinger’s chapter before were linked as though they were all happened one after the other, it’s really hard for me to feel like it’s been longer than a week or two. If there has indeed been a significant passage of time, I would suggest going through and finding a way to show that. I don’t know how, but right now I’m in the middle of chapter 25 and feeling kind of confused. And here are the other notes I took: - Chp 20: “Felix knew that the Upper School pupils…” This is another instance where you can cut things like “Felix knew that” - “Felix was to be a Woodcutter.” I don’t even know what this is yet and I’m still totally engrossed in the idea and worried and so much more. Love it! - Chp22: “And we’ll get you settled you in.” I think the second you is a typo - Chp23: “About an hour ago” this sounds like present tense. I would suggest saying “About an hour earlier, Arthur had shifted…” or something along those lines so that it sounds like past tense. - Chp24: “He found out why shortly afterwards” This sounds a little awkward. I think you should try to find a better transition sentence in this chapter. - Chp25: “Jinger could just about make out that…” I’d cut the word about - “…showed Jinger Felix’s hesitant expression” you can cut “Jinger” since we know that’s who is seeing it - Chp26: “shaven-headed” sounds weird… - Last line of Chp 26 feels like one of your foreshadowing moments. - Chp 27 has a lot of head-hopping (jumping from one character’s POV to the next) - Chp28 is wonderful  - Chp 29: “Jinger woke up some time later” I feel like there should a couple space before this or something to indicate that the scene is changing because it’s kind of jarring for her to say something and then it says she woke up some time later. I get this silly visual of her speaking and then just falling over unconscious and waking up some time later. - Watch out with this chapter. It comes off of a very climactic scene. While I like the chapter, it wasn’t the satisfaction I was looking for after the previous chapter. I really like this. The more I read the more I wish I had a paperback of this so I could lend it to friends. Wonderful! I'll be back to read the rest. Maybe even later today... Anna-Lara

Lucy, YARGing more. I was done with my own edits and just couldn’t wait until next week. Chapter 33: -I was really surprised that you used Jessica’s POV to start this chapter. I don’t think you’ve done that in any of the previous ones. Rather than odd, I found it refreshingly different. I never know what to expect from you . -C33, P1, make Christmas Day both capital letters. I think I get what you’re after with “Why should Jinger take the bowl away until she had finished with it?”, but I think you can make it more powerful or mean. Also, the thought occured to me that delaying is not a punishment for Jinger, if that’s what Jessica intended. If Jessica takes too long, I’d make her put her own bowl in the dishwasher. -C33, P2, couple things – Why would Jessica be pleased if she heard noises behind Jinger’s door? And based on the previous line, it sounds like Jessica should have been opening, not closing her door. I imagine her opening her door to see if anyone is awake, and being mad that Jinger is up (because Jess wants to go open her presents)………Now I see. Even though you start the paragraph presently on Christmas morning, the events actually happened the night before. “Early this morning” is more like midnight? You might tweak that. -C33, P5, Helen is finally there. I’ve missed her. (Not really, but it’s important that she show up eventually). Why didn’t she make Jess pancakes? Not a big deal; she's just a distraction of a supporting character. -C33, P6, the language is fine, but I might tweak “…and it was easy to see that asking her to [stay] had been totally…” Barley-style – that made me laugh out loud. Hard to make me do that. -Oooh, I so want to know what that secret liquid is all about. -Midway down, don’t miss Christmas [D]ay again. -Brilliant. Who’s the evil sister now… Chapter 34: -C34, P3, I love the description about Arthur’s feet getting away and him curving back closer. -At what point is Arthur going to do something with/about Jinger? I feel like we are missing something here. Jinger was last with her Grandad when Culpin was there. Now several chapters have gone by with nothing more about it. It seems that he should be thinking of her at this time of year. -You are so good with Flapp’s indecision. The phone and doorbell ringing, and she’s no help. It always makes me smile to think about it. -Midway down, I know what you mean and it’s probably fine. But, how do you feel about changing the wording on “he was placing the receiver down on its side next to the telephone”? The telephone is both parts, receiver and base, right? Or is it receiver and earpiece and the receiver is the base? I’m confused. -Would you consider changing the old lady’s dialogue from ‘an eve’ to ‘the eve’? It just sounds better to me as “I’ve had enough of babies born on [the] eve!” Same paragraph, would she thrust her arm forward, or forwards? Next sentence, Ms Flapp rushed forwards…. I think forward, but I don’t know. -Just below those, there is a “that that” in the next paragraph. I think it works okay with only one that in: “…despite suspecting that was what he would want…”. Or maybe say “that [fleeing] was what he would…” -Another “an eve” follows. It’s fine, I just like the sound of “the eve”. Grammatically you are probably more correct than I. -This is probably English-speak, so feel free to ignore. I would say “That way it’s handy when you need it!” rather than “to hand when you need it.” -The story about the wolf’s blood comes out. I really hate saying this, but to be brutally honest, I was a little disappointed with how you had Dorothy just come out and tell the story to Ms Flapp. It’s really the first time I’ve ever felt remotely close to dissatisfied with anything you’ve written. I don’t know how you would do it any differently, but it just seemed forced (on the author’s part) for her to just spill everything like that. I don’t feel like she was really compelled enough to just dump it out there. I can’t explain it right. Let me think about that for a while and see if I can give you something more constructive to work with. -Goliath Swat. Why did it take me this long to put another potential biblical reference together? I’m pretty dense sometimes. Chapter 35: -C35, P6, Why would Jinger smile back at her dad when he said Arthur was stabbed? Trying to be tough for him obviously, but it still seems odd. I would prefer saying stoic or controlling her emotions, but the smile seems a little too happy. Especially since Arthur may be granddad afterall. -C35, P9, Jinger is very smart to figure out that Dorothy was the other Woodcutter, because Dad didn’t give her much info to work with as to why Dorothy would attack him. Most just an observation, not necessarily a crit. -C25, P10, it’s dialogue, but I would still rather dad said, “You didn’t even mention you [have] a brother.” -C35, P12, Tabs glance at Jinger “meaningfully” didn’t quite work for me. You could say ‘with concern’, or maybe something closer to ‘threatening’ (not really that harsh though), but meaningful is kind of bland. -C35, P13, if Jessica left the room, did she have time to be “unusually quiet and, concerned,” Also the punctuation on this sentence seems off. -Next paragraph, should it be “For the first time [since] Jinger could remember…” -Next paragraph, maybe drop “and put” or “scrunched up” from “After the wrapping paper had been [scrunched/put] in the recycling bin…” -Farther down, maybe add a comma and ‘and’ to “Helen rinsed the last cereal bowl, put it in the dishwasher[, and] then left the room.” -Whoa, you did it again! They are both eve babies! I never saw that coming. And Jessica is the evil one, perhaps, who will destroy Murkle?!? -Here’s a suggestion to shorten the line: “On Christmas Day she had gone missing temporarily and had worried their dad so much it had almost ruined the day.” How about avoiding the repetition of past recent events with this: “She had already worried dad so much when she went missing on Christmas Day.” -Why would Jessica just blurt out about the wolf-baby? That came on a little suddenly with no warning (or particular reason that I can see). Only three chapters to go. Shame I have to wait….

I was going to offer some humble comments on this book, but with 385 already posted and sixth position in the rankings what more is there to say. A wonderful book. 6 stars and on the way to the bookshelf. Janet Janet/Helen The Stranger in my Life

Hi Lucy...I'm sorry time only permitted me to read the first two chapters, and though I'm not an avid YA reader, I must say I have the same feeling I had when I read Harry Potter for the first time. I have a sense something magical is afoot and I was just carried along. I want to learn more about the characters and what's going to happen...You've made me WANT to read more...and isn't that what we all hope for. Since I'm an unabashed anglophile from Georgia USA, I am so thrilled to be reading all the terrific literature I've found on this site with a British sensibility. I'll definitely read more, and I hope you'll be patient with me as I'm woefully far behind in my reading on Ten Deep Footprints, Paragon, Limerence and a few others. Good job, you and all the best. Sheri Emery /Crazy Quilt

Oh curse you Lucy! I should have been catching up on reading other things, but this was far too tempting. I really wanted to read more and I feel sufficiently satisfied (for now). I read through Chapter 19 this time. This is wonderful! Here are my notes: - Just spit-balling, but I wonder if it might add something for you to use contractions during Jinger’s chapters. Through everyone else’s chapters, it doesn’t stick out, but in Jinger’s I feel like you’re avoiding them. I wonder if maybe it would add a little touch of adolescence to have her use contractions. Also, because my mind wants to autocorrect moments like the beginning of chapter 13 to say “He still didn’t want to talk to them…” - Oh also, “He still did not want…high classroom windows.” This sounds like you’re drifting over in Felix’s thoughts. In my opinion you should stay completely grounded in Jinger’s, so I would say watch out for spots like this (I might have said this before, but I can’t remember) - “Jinger noticed that it was not one…” You don’t need to say “Jinger noticed that” since we’ll assume that the description is coming from her if you’re firmly planted in 3rd person limited - “Last year in Natural..” I think you should have character tell Jinger this info. Otherwise it feels like you’re in the other students’ heads. - “Jinger thought there might be…” same thing as above. This sounds awkward to include since we assume Jinger is the one thinking it. - “Unless Tabs is keeping another secret. But why would she do that?” she feels like an intentional foreshadowing tease. I think you should just leave it at “That’s weird” because the reader already feels like Tabs has a secret from your description, and Jinger’s “That’s weird” will confirm that Jinger thinks it too. - “Suddenly Jinger found that she was walking back down…” This is awkward. It sounds like she was in a trance and suddenly woke up to find that she was walking with the group down the mountainside. I’d consider revising. Possibly just say that she did it, not that she suddenly found herself doing it. - Chp16: the beginning of this chapter seems like your rushing to tell me things to catch me up on what happened. Like when you say: “Jinger suspected…for a long time.” I’d like to see why she thought Tabs felt that way, what happened, more details. I think you can expand the first few paragraphs into a little more. Since you do such a great job explaining and describing everything else, this comes off as “I didn’t have enough time or interest in this scene, so I just decided to spell it out for you instead.” - You say “Jinger wondered” “Jinger thought” and stuff like that a lot. I think it might be better to just pose some of those as questions flat out or have the actual thoughts. We know we’re in Jinger’s head, so if you just pose some bit of speculation, we’ll assume it’s from Jinger. You don’t have this problem in the other chapters, just with Jinger. I think it would help a lot for you to just focus on these chapters. I don’t know how you edit (you probably already do this) but I know that when I edit I read the entirety of one characters POV chapters in row (like just Lydia’s back to back) that way I can make sure that the POV is really inside her head and it consistent. - “Tabs was no longer…laughing quietly” Another instance where head-hop away from Jinger - “said Jinger, horribly shocked.” – HAHAHAHAHA - “she said mysteriously” implies that the way she said it was trying to make it sound mysterious, and then you say “although she delivered it quite matter-of-factly” which seems contradictory. I would suggest cutting “she said mysteriously” since we already know that the phrase itself seems mysterious. - “had a serious and worried expression” the paragraph before this is sooooo good and then this phrase kind of falls flat. I would suggest describing the expression and letting us see that it’s serious and worried. - Chp17: “…have the power to destroy of the whole of Murkle?” I think this first “of” should not be there - The last sentence in chapter 18 about Douglas telling Arthur the truth is rushed. It’s similar to your foreshadowing sentences, but a bit different. The rest of the chapter is so lovely that the last sentence is kind of like sprint in the last 30 meters of a race. Like “ok then this happened…and we’re done!” - I don’t think it should be a question mark at the end of “surely this would be the night for Felix” I love this. I'll be back (as always) for more soon. And congrats on number 6! Moving up in the world, I see ;) Anna-Lara

Lucy, YARGing on… 4 more chapters Chapter 29: -C29, P1, the way you wrote “the girls” just reminded me that we hadn’t heard anything out of Pippa and Suki lately. Not a problem, just a random thought. I have lots of those…. -C29, P2, how come everyone is suddenly headed home? That’s abrupt from the big fight last night. Going home seems to need just a little explaining before they just start packing. Is this like a Christmas break now that longest night is over? Or something to do with the Culpin episode? Also, I love the way Jinger packs her bag just like a kid. But why is she putting paper and pens in it? -C29, P12, so they are going home because of the attack – and Christmas. Neat to see that Tabs is going with Jinger. I like the way you worked that out without having to describe it first. It just seems natural. [I need to resist the urge to make you tell me stuff like why are they packing. You always work it out perfectly about 10 lines later.] -All of a sudden I just got this idea that your book is going to end on New Years Eve, or just right after Jinger’s birthday. But how?!? -Why would Jinger have to pretend to be excited about decorating the house for Christmas? Every kid loves that. Is she still worried about the evil thing, or just feeling out of place at home? -Midway down, missing a word in “instead of anything sea-related[,] so [that] must have been Helen’s choice.” -Right below that, how can Jinger see Tabs on the pullout bed (pull out couch?) if she is lying in her own bed? Wouldn’t that be different rooms? -Right below again, I wouldn’t mind seeing you drop the line “since last night” as an implied redundancy in “Helen might not have even come back [since last night], depending on which shift she [was working] at the hospital”. I like ‘was working’ more than ‘had been doing’. -Toward the end, let’s add some commas to: “Dorothy had always been in their lives[,] but[,] as Jinger had grown older[,] she felt that the elderly woman…” At least the last two, I’m indifferent to the first one I added. -A few paragraphs up from the end, how about switching around the word order in; ”…Jinger had been away, which turned out to be [not] very much.” -Second to last, the description “moving one hand to lie across her chest” is a bit clunky to me. Chapter 30: -C30, P2, I would drop the ‘in the kitchen’ line as unnecessary from: “down from the hook by the back door [in the kitchen].” Also, you have that comma thing again in the last sentence. Put commas around the “since everyone else was already out” and maybe before the “but” also. -C30, P3, I don’t quite understand how a dolphin keychain looks “very chirpy”. Like a bird? Must be more of that UK slang. -C30, P4, how about a comma after the introductory clause “As she twisted her key[,] she felt something…” -Wow, Jessica is hideous. Hasn’t seen her sister and months and she acts this way. Ugly. -Midway down, I don’t dislike the word “everywhere” in “make everywhere look prettier” but “everything” seems a more common usage to me. -Toward the end, another introductory clause, “If they took the long way round[,] she would…” -Are you making a biblical reference again? I read about people twisting what old books say, and that’s what it means to me. If it is, it’s genius. -This was a terrific chapter. Chapter 31: -C31, P1, I’m no expert, but it seems you need a comma in “…excited about that every year[,] but it did not account…” -C31, P2, Now you say the pull out is in Jinger’s room. I would have rather seen that in the last chapter. I think you and I have different definitions of pull outs. Silly language barrier. -The snow is beautiful. On Christmas Eve too. How lovely. -Why is Helen not home yet? How long does she work at that hospital? -That seemed kind of random why they went to all the trouble to sneak downstairs, unlock the door, look outside for maybe five seconds, and then go back to bed. Is there a hidden message in there somewhere? -That’s sweet of Tabs to wish that she was still at Jinger’s for her birthday, but it’s more than that. You’re so clever that way. -Tabs say “Oi” That was kind of a strange reaction. Not the more traditional “hey” when she turned off the light? -Another intro clause could use a comma: “When Tabs did not answer straightaway[,] Jinger assumed…” -WOW! Again. Tab's brother is a wolf cub. That’s insane. I really need to stop reading right now, but I have to keep going…. Chapter 32: -Darn you. I hate when you start the next chapter with something totally different. You do it to me every time. Man, you’re brilliant at stringing things out… -C32, P1, the last part of the middle sentence is a little clunky. I would try to rewrite “the Closed sign had probably made no difference to how many sales had been made.” Would any sales have been made if it was closed? Same as open, zero? -C32, P2, why is Dorothy there if the store is closed? And why would Douglas need to call if he’s the owner? Because it’s not Douglas; for some reason I thought it would be. Maybe you say something about his voice besides shivering to clue us in to a new twist. -C32, P7, Why was the man waiting in the snow for fifteen minutes? Sounded like he just called and she let him right in (other than moving a few boxes). -C32, P11, Why is Dorothy mad with genuine anger at the visitor. Sounds like they are co-conspirators, and he’s not really done anything wrong. -So Dorothy is the third woodcutter, the one that lived in Brink Stenton. Wow, I did not see that coming. Something seemed strange in the last chapter, but still. Amazing. -And now we know why the boat is on the lake, sort of. Thanks for explaining that (although that line is thrown in there kind of randomly. I don’t know why the boat is there). I probably would have missed that reference. But was it really Dorothy’s boat to store? It was May’s until she died. -Missing word midway down in “He would have done anything to stop Jinger Barley [from] destroying Murkle…”. Also, in terms of tenses, shouldn’t it be “He would do anything”? He hasn’t quit trying, or did you mean Culpin and not Baldwin. Sounds like Baldwin to me. -I wonder what Malcom had done for her. It wasn’t just showing her the book of legends, but it seems to be what you almost imply by the wording. -Whoa, so Dorothy is the one that killed the fisherman? And Dorothy was the one that rammed the car and killed the mom? I’m so mad at her right now…. -Caroline? Huh? Can’t wait to find out what this is all about. -Didn’t have to wait long this time. Yay! -Second paragraph below the break, drop only and was from wording on “…a Christmas when her daughter was [only] young but [was] already too heavy to push.” Did you mean to say only daughter instead? Next sentence, drop the ‘and’ and add a comma to “In rubber boots[,] with the hoods of their duffle coats…” -Toward the end of this section, maybe reword or add a semicolon to “It made such a difference last time. Dorothy had hope.” The two sentences need to be joined together. -At the end of the section, Dorothy drank the fluid? I would have assumed the child. -Toward the chapter end, when “Dorothy opened the thin volume”, why does it end with “Surely it was too heavy?” I didn’t understand that. -Thank you for finally reading me the relevant chapter of the book. I’ve been waiting a long time for that  You are a master of suspense, without a doubt.

YARG REVIEW,,,, NOTE:This is a writer's community meant to give constructive criticism and help writers improve their work, lavishing praise is a total waste of time and undermines the credibility of all writers on the site, and the site itself. Leave the praise for the kids at the bookstore, criticise to help it get there //ALRIIIIIITE????! i've read up to the end of chapter 9, and I do really like the book so far. Obviously there are similarities to Harry Potter, Arthur really resembles Dumbledore in a big way and Miss Flapp reminds me of McGonagall, their relationship is very alike. There is also a teacher who constantly 'glares' at Jinger the way Snape does in Potter, and even his appearance is quite similar. Jinger also has a similar personality to Potter, shy, self-effacing, not particularly plucky, from an unhappy family background (her sister is very similar to Dudley in Potter) and her mum's dead, as is Potters'. Right now I'm not sure what the significance of the Murkle Moon is, what it is, or why it exists, but I'm sure that will become clear later on. I really think chapter 8 should be edited or erased. It's like a chapter from another book, written for adults. I don't think it fits with the target audience, and I think all that background should be presented from Jinger's point of view somehow. Chapter 8 is really about an adult relationship between husband and wife and the wife's middle-aged colleagues, and I don't think it fits well in a young teen novel. Your book really is entertaining, and I am enjoying reading it and intend to carry on after writing this comment. Jinger is a normal young girl, self-conscious, lacking self-confidence, as do many, if not all young teenage girls. I think many kids will empathise with her, her situation, her fears of not fitting in, her homesickness, not being cool...everything. That's what got most kids into the Harry Potter series in the first place, their being able to empathise immediately with the protagonist. I've drawn comparisons with Potter, and if this gets published in its current form, it will be compared relentlessly. But Potter was inspired by Lord of the Rings, all boarding school novels in existence, Roald Dahl, loadsa stuff. However, it beat aside those comparisons because EVERYONE WAS MAGIC and could do stuff all kids in the world wanted to do. I really like this book, it's entertaining me, I'd like to curl up in bed with it in book form etc. but what is the niche? However, I have only read 9 chapters and there are more than 39, so these are just my opinions on first few chapters. What can praise do to help you at this stage? This is my honest opinion, although I fear my comments don't faithfully represent the enjoyment I experienced reading these 9 chapters. But this site isn't just about getting to ED, it/s about helping each other out, critiquing and improvin wot we got ye.. The atmosphere is great. I am into the book. Is this a magic world? I don't know. Is this another dimension of England, like in Potter? Murkle, I like that word, although it sounds like Muggle, I hope the people there don't turn out to be called Murkles. These are my criticisms, although I was going to criticise there being noone surprised at the boy choking almost to death and noone doing anything or being disturbed. But then that was explained, so I guess everything will be explained at some point. Really entertaining, really like it, going to read on, hope you find my comment helpful, I am at least partially absorbed right now, I can feel and imagine everything, I can visualise it all. Got to read on...

YALF/YARG The second time I've tried to leave my comment - the first one disappeared. Aaaaah! It is a pleasure to revisit this after a lengthy absence and I'm proud to have it on my shelf. As difficult as it is to find fault with it, I'll try best in the spirit of YALF. Prologue My comments are from a reader's point of view, as I'm rubbish at editorial commentary, unless it jumps out at me. As much as I like Arthur as a character, I personally would have preferred it if you had started the story with Jinger, as she is, I assume the main character. The problem with the wandering moon does not seem to be to be a big enough deal at this stage to really care about. I know I will probably be in the minority with this opinion! Chapter one A great introduction to Jinger and her twin sister. I am intrigued as to why she is being sent away to a different school. I like the description of her trip to the new school. Chapter Two Again back to Arthur. I would have preferred a little more detail about Jinger and her situation before returning to Arthur. Chapter Three I loved this chapter and I remember it from when I read Murkle before. My pet hate is fatty, grisy meat and I liked the way you described this - just perfect. I loved the image of her hand down his throat. This is a brilliant story. I shall return with more comments. Julia Shadow Jumper

What a story. It is well written and it just screams movie deal. I wish I had the imagination you did and I think this is only the beginning of a long career. I can tell you with honesty that I feel I am not even close to you in ability and I don't feel right pointing out a possible mistake. There is a good chance I'm completely wrong so please ignore this if that's the case. In chapter 30, I noticed the adverb neatly seemed out of place. The only thing I have to base that on is the fact that I read it back and just something didn't sound right. Jinger packed her suitcase a lot less ( neatly ) than she had when she had been leaving home in September. She put dirty creased shirts in amongst the clean ones and stuffed as many pens and bits of lined paper down the sides as she could. It did not matter. I rewrote in my head and got this. Like I said, this could be wrong. The neatly packed suitcase Jinger left home with in September bared no resemblance to what lie before her now. She put dirty creased shirts in amongst the clean ones and stuffed as many pens and bits of lined paper down the sides as she could. It did not matter.

Hi Lucy, CHIRG and YALF Reviews. 21 – Ends with Felix possibly becoming a woodcutter. 22 , 23, 24 – No comments. The story is written very well and the pace is great. The mystery deepens. 25- Very surprising. Felix now tasked with getting Jinger. 26 – You call the three kids “the third years” a few times. I’m not sure that sounds quite right. 27 – 2nd paragraph: You need a coma after: “…destroy the whole of Murkle,…” 28 – Excellent. Mr. Culpin sounds right aptly crazy. 29 – Very exciting. 30 – The story has little to correct and is very engaging. I am certainly enjoying it. I like the way you have chapters ending with cliff-hangers or hooks to keep the reader going. Sorry for the delay in comments, but I hope to be back on track now. I’ll try to finish the rest of your story shortly.

Hey Lucy, I read through chapter 12 this time. This is sooooo good. I love it! This is sometimes funny, suspenseful, and heartbreaking. It's quite a page-turner. Which brings me to my first point: You have a tendency to end Jinger's chapters with a sentence that foreshadows the action the will take place in her next chapter. It seems like you're using this foreshadowing to keep your reader hooked and waiting for the next chapter with Jinger. I think you should get rid of those foreshadowing sentences. After a few times, they come off as very gimicky, and they feel like a device rather than a natural progression of the narrative. Trust your story to pull the reader in. It does. It's really good and I really want to know what will happen next. The story itself will carry the read along, you don't need to tease the reader with what might happen next to get them to turn the page. The writing and the story make me turn the page. Here are a few things I noted while reading: - In Chp7 I think you should just say, “Julia gently put the telephone down and laughed.” Adding “on her husband” gives me a visual of her setting the phone on top of him. - “Douglas spent the rest of forever without his laughing girl next door.” A very touching line. --- For the scene before, I wonder if you could put us a little more inside Julia’s head. That had to be a painful and terrifying experience. It would add a lot for the reader to feel it along with her. - Chp8: “…she had come up with Tabs and Felix yesterday evening.” I think you should say “the evening before” or something like that. Since the narration is in past tense, it sounds weird to say yesterday. - Chp10: “As well as this, he had found…” I think this comma should be a colon - “She did not find it very interesting.” It’s sort of jarring for you to jump out of Arthur’s head and go to omniscient narrator here. - The grandmother’s story and the repetition of “find Jack” is heartbreaking. You'll notice I noted less this time around. The story is really picking up and it pulled me in to the point that I wasn't paying attention to errors or anything of the sort. Good job! I think the writing gets a lot stronger from chapter 6 onward. This is great! I'll be back for more soon. Anna-Lara

YARG III, Return Review(thank you), Chapters P,1,2 P- Such an odd opening, and I mean that in the best way possible. A man considering death, then given purpose in life once more as he notices the Murkle Moon is acting strangely. Certainly intriguing. 1-Poor Jinger, having to live in the shadow of her mean b-word sister. Jinger's and Jessica's interactions made me laugh because I can think of two sisters I know who always steal things from each other too(fortunately, they get along though). Hopefully, Jinger gets the fresh start she deserves. Wanted to make sure you have "Ginger" spelled intentionally when she meets Tab and Felix. I assumed it was and thought it was funny. 2- I love how Author pretends to be senile, made me laugh. Ms.Flapp's indecision problem is also oddly funny. I find your writing has a light humorous feeling to it, that makes it enjoyable to read. I love your quirky characters and how you develop them, often through subtle details of what their thinking or how their acting. A very original plot that keeps the reader guessing. When I get my own book in better shape, I definitely read more. All the best, -Zukko

Lucy, Continuing on…. Don’t be alarmed, though I should warn you that I’ve never had this many questions on your story before. You know you’re brilliant, and so do I. So don’t think I’m trying to rain all over your parade. However.... Chapter 25: -Does Felix not have a hat on? Otherwise the girls should notice immediately that he has been shaved bald. That would be a shocker. They might not even recognize him at first. It comes up in P5 when Tabs tells him it looks stupid, but it seems like they should have at least reacted to it before then. -C25, P3, I am little surprised by this paragraph. You always do such a great job of showing rather than telling. There is something a little off about the way you just try to describe how Jinger had snuck out that night and now she was tired from running behind Tabs all the way there. Think you could give this your classic, quirky touch to freshen this up? Maybe just drop the part about “They had snuck out of the dorm room as soon as the other girls fell asleep. Tabs did it all the time, after all.” -C25, P9, Did I miss something about the boat? Why is Jinger worried, and what would she have found if she had touched the paint? This is too cryptic to even guess. Even the following lines don’t clear up this mystery. -Oh, Grandad Bloom’s boat. Did I miss some kind of clue somewhere? I did not see anything that would have even hinted at that until Jinger said it. -Toward the end, I would add a comma after Jinger in “Felix asked Jinger[,] delaying having to follow Tabs…” Better yet, maybe try ‘delaying following Tabs’? -Why would Tabs suddenly release all of the foxes? That’s a pretty brazen act that seems to require just a little more explanation. Even Felix opened some cages? He has to think that his dad would be furious, right? But we get nothing about that. This whole act seems to need more foundation and feeling. - The line “Felix rounded on Tabs” confuses me. I don’t really talk this way, but I guess you do in the UK? -Final line – if Dr. Skinner is behind the door, how does Grandad’s voice come from “somewhere up the staircase”? Is it the same place? Surely they are talking to each other. Grandad? Isn’t he dead??? No, it’s not. “A man” is Arthur! How fascinating (especially since recently talking about Grandad’s boat just earlier). BTW, how does Skinner know that Jinger is evil? I mean he knows that from Felix’s dad, I guess, because somehow they are related to the Woodcutters. But why would he share that with Arthur. Oh, so many questions….. Chapter 26: -C26, P2 – I love this line: wolf-girl, shaven-headed kidnap victim, and evil girl. -C26, P3 – How about we get rid of the had had with “She [told] herself sternly several times…” -C26, P4 – It seems odd for Jinger to call Mr Oldham “cruel” and then in the next paragraph to say that she “hated the old man.” Does she hate anyone? I would think that confused would be a better fit. -C26, P16 – Tabs would know that the Woodcutters think Jinger is evil? If so, then shouldn’t they have protected her more? Does everyone know the legend that she will bring the downfall of Murkle? -I really like the way Arthur seems so crazy announcing that he’s Jinger’s grandfather, and I also love her reaction. -Who is beating on the door? Has to be a Woodcutter…. Chapter 27: -If they sent Felix back to get Jinger, why would they end up just coming after her instead? -I like the way Ms Flapp freaks out and can’t figure out who to stand in front of. Very funny visual. -C27, P3 – Wouldn’t “swearwords” be two separate words? -C27, P5 - Rotating protection. Hilarious. But what is Jinger placing on the floor? You certainly know how to keep us guessing. –Ah, candles. -Oh, that Malcom. Now I remember. The boy who put together the family trees. -“His mouth not telling any of the other muscles in his face what it was going to do” – that’s brilliant. -Toward the end, Culpin tells Felix “You didn’t do as I asked.” But, did he really have time? I guess he could have killed her right away, but it’s only been a couple hours. Seems that Malcolm would have given him a day or two before coming after her himself. -Last part, “Even the bleach doesn’t work”. I didn’t get that, though I have a feeling you will explain that soon enough. Chapter 28: -How dare Malcolm break the telescope. That made me mad. -C28, P25 – I don’t quite understand what you mean by “Apparently not concerned that he had not struck anyone yet,” It didn’t really mean anything to me - quirky, funny, or whatever. Also, if he was “ignoring the wolf” how did he suddenly hit her when she had already sprung at him. -C28, P13 – You’ll have to explain to me what Culpin means by “No one can change what is carved into this wood.” I get the first part, but carved into this wood is a little too cryptic for me. -C28, P16 – If the wolves are leaping forward, does Jinger really have time to hear Felix, follow his command, unzip a pocket, and remove the silver necklace? It seems they shouldn’t have “leapt forwards” quite yet. -I would definitely not use the first section break. This is way too exciting to have them breaking up the action. Have Felix turn into a wolf (hurray for him) right away with no break. I’m on the fence about the breaks around the moon part. I’m inclined to remove those too and quicken the action (I’m thinking drop the waxing, waning bored moon stuff – and just have it shoot across the sky to light the room.) -Add the first comma around however, in: “Felix, however, was having other ideas…” To keep the action moving property, it probably should take less than a second to realize, not seconds. -Right after that, so the moon does wax and wane? Just the other day I was thinking that it was always full. My mistake. -So Felix isn’t a wolf? He didn’t change? That was crazy. Wow!! This seems like the end of the book right here. How can there possibly be ten more chapters!?!? You’re awesome, Lu.

PS: I'm excited to find another Sarah Waters fan on this site :)

What an absolutely brilliant first line! And later, I love the idea of the moon shining “rather too confidently.” In the first chapter, you do a great job of showing who Jinger is, and how deeply she lives within her terrible sister’s shadow. The bit with the backback is a genius touch; it does so much more than you *telling* us that Jessica is a conniving, boisterous person who needs to crush her sister in order to feel good about herself. As Jinger is quiet and cowed, I expect this to be a journey story from her uncertainty to a growing confidence as she faces challenges that first terrify her and later, once she conquers them, make her stronger. I look forward to reading more!

What a wicked idea. Your imagination is extraordinary.

Lucy, YARG continued. Ch 20-24 Chapter 20: -C20, P1 – There is a very long, mildly confusing sentence toward the end. I would suggest either ending the sentence after “earlier” and starting a new one with “then”, or maybe try: “He had put his blazer back on in his room earlier[, and] then, having stuck his head out of the dorm window, he changed his mind and replaced it with his padded black regulation coat.” I would be tempted to remove ‘in his room’ just to keep this from being too long. -C20, P2 – Do you mean no ordinary [full] moon? If the Murkle Moon is fat and glowing, I am guessing that means it is full, and I would say that. BTW, I’m thinking that it’s always full? Is it? Was that mentioned before? It seems a moon with a face and personality would always be full. -C20, P2 – At the end. I would consider reorganizing the words for flow to read: “Apart from the Murkle Moon and the glo-sticks waved by some of the younger children, there was no light at all.” -C20, P3 – Couple quick grammar/flow edits: “Oddly, as they came closer[,] there was a point at which it became harder to see the wolves. The Murkle Moon did not shine so brightly on the middle part of the sports field as it did at the [top] edge of the woods[.]” -Midway down, I would drop “lamely” from “It occurred to Felix lamely that she had not saved him.” -Farther down, I don’t quite get the line “Even if he changed now he would have missed the highlight of the Murkle calendar.” I assume you mean the Longest Night Hunt. But if he changed “now”, like at that very second, I would think he could still join the chase. There was talk about ages 13 and 14, that didn’t have anything to do with “now”, did it? -Poor Felix. What a disappointment for him. You wrote that beautifully. And now, to be snatched away to become a woodcutter. This is exciting! Chapter 21: -Wow, I learned absolutely nothing concrete, but it was amazing. I really don’t know how you can just string us along like that. I want to know about Tabs mom and last year and the old Woodcutter. I’ve got no comments on this chapter (other than the length – it is fairly short). Chapter 22: -C22, P1 – I get that Felix might be relieved by the warmth of the cabin (although I don’t recall much mention about it being cold out other than wearing a school jacket – and that the longest night is in December where I live). However, for someone snatched away in the darkness, I would think he would be terrified of some strange cabin in the woods. So, I’m not sure “overwhelmed with relief” fits. -C22, P7 – I am curious why a Woodcutter would have “smartly cut hair and short neat nails”. It seems obvious with the clean, neat cabin that there is some sort of duality thing that you’re going for. All I know if that my short nails are dirty for a week whenever I cut wood and work outside, although I appreciate the short cut hair part. -Close to the end, there’s a typo in “Why should I? What does [he] want us for?” -Malcolm Culpin. I should remember that name from earlier. Why can’t I? Chapter 23: -I’ve got nothing. Nothing at all but intrigue. This flowed very well – quickly and intriguing. Chapter 24: -'Down the mountain there is one more' – who could that be? -I like Smart. She is kind. Groombridge is a jerk. -Jinger is going to destroy Murkle? No more wolves??? -Are you getting biblical again? The baby born on Millenium night will have the power to decide the fate… -This is fantastic; one minor crit. All of a sudden it goes from “Very, very dangerous” to “Lunch was not much better…” The transition could use a little something… -Is Felix going to betray Jinger? Can’t wait to find out, but I must…..

Dear Lucy, Fantastic opening! Your mastery of the hook-element is obvious, and captivates the reader early on. Your descriptive skills are particularly well-toned and there is often an underlying humour, especially in your opening, that boasts your skills as a storyteller. You also commit entirely to your style and do not deviate, which is refreshing and causes your writing to flow well, while maintaining a minimalist technique of wording (too many authors try to use the biggest and most academic words to try appear more 'authory' - but it never has that effect). Grand work and I will happily support you. Kind regards and wishes, (YARG Review)

CHIRG Lucy, this is a fantastic story! I was instantly drawn in after reading just a few paragraphs and I can honestly say that I cannot give constructive feedback other than to say that this story was a delight to read. Your descriptions are vivid and imaginative and I'm looking forward to learning more about Murkle and all it has to offer. I've only read the first three chapters but I will definitely be back to read the rest. -Heather

Wow!! Your book was highly recommended, and it has quite taken my breath away. The first chapter is amazing, and the story is so hard to set aside. I'll be back to read more!! I expect to see this published and must have a copy of my own! The writing is straight-forward, and yet, the story is so extraordinary and magical.

This is wonderfully imaginative. Very nice writing. You deserve the very best for this book. Best regards, Jed Oliver (read "Saving Bob")

a perfect combination of stylish narrative and dialogue make your book a very readable book... backed... read SEASONS...

Just started reading this, first chapter done. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, nothing you should fix. I'm still new to commenting but I liked the start of this story and will surely read on. Reading books like this make me doubt my own writing. :/ Moving on...

YARG (in YALF Style) I’m eighteen chapters in, enjoying this and getting annoyed at having to stop and take notes so unless I have any Moments of Great Insight, I’m going to stop commenting at this point and just read on for fun. This is a great read, and very well presented. I don’t think I’ve seen a single typo or error. The opening paragraph of the prologue is perfect and the whole prologue sets the book up really well. For me, though, there were a few stutters in the opening chapters. I appreciate that you are keen to get Jinger to the school. I understand that you don’t want to reveal too much about Murkle at once. I also know that I have a tendency to over-describe when I could do with more of your pace, BUT there were a few moments when the pace was discombobulating. For example: Helen. I think she is first mentioned in Ch 4 or 5 (could be wrong on this though). It felt very strange that she wasn’t mentioned at home or as having said goodbye to Jinger. At first I thought that this was because Jinger doesn’t like her so was trying to edit her out, but as I read on it became obvious that this wasn’t the case. If you’re holding back information to create mystery then I think Helen should be right there in Ch 1 so the reader can wonder where Jinger’s Mum is. Saying goodbye to Dad. I think you can make a little more of this without slowing things up. I appreciate that the reveal about Granny Bloom being behind Jinger going to Murkle comes later, but I would like to know how her Dad feels about it, and you can tell is that without telling us it isn’t his idea. Something about him thinking it will be better for Jinger would add to, rather than detract from the mystery. The conversation on the bus. As a reader I know nothing about Murkle Manor. I also know nothing about what Jinger knows about the school. I think I need to know what she knows, IYSWIM. Even knowing whether they chat about the school or their favourite burgers would help. Tabitha and Felix would have an agenda in any discussion about the school and you could choose whether to let Jinger realise that or just have the reader see it, thus adding to the atmosphere of mystery and secrets you’re building here. At the moment it just feels like a massive hole. The ‘they chatted...’ bit really annoyed me as I felt I was being kept away from something important but it didn’t feel like a deliberate ploy to enhance suspense. The dormitory – It’s a key location so it felt very strange to have so little description. I appreciate that you don’t want to slow things down too much, but the reader expects Jinger to notice it. Also, most schools have a distinctive smell. I went to a state comprehensive in a fairly new building and that had one sort of smell, then I was a day pupil at an independent boarding school in much older buildings and that had another type of school smell. I started to notice that there are no smells at all in this book. If this is deliberate (perhaps it’s an indication of whether or not Jinger will change, I’m only on Ch 18), then ok, but otherwise, I think it’s a bit of an oversight, especially given the canine sense of smell. Chapter ending hooks. Many of these are great, but some feel a little forced. An example is Ch 3 where Felix is choking, Jinger has her hand in his mouth (NOT an approved method for dislodging an object, BTW! I wanted someone to tell her!) and the last line is ‘On her first day’, which rather implies that that’s the worst aspect of it. Maybe try something like ‘And no-one was helping.’ Or ‘Everyone was staring at her like she was assaulting him.’ The setting up the lesson with the foxes was also a bit off, I felt. Once I had read the account of the lesson the hook line felt so hyperbolic as to be fraudulent. Felix – Is there some significance in him having a name associated with cats? If there isn’t, I would consider changing it. Once the school routine is established I really felt you were hitting your stride and found myself reaching for pen and paper less often. Here are the bits that did give me pause. Ch 9 “It was emptier in fact, than Jinger would have expected it to be for the rest of the year.” – I don’t understand what you’re saying. Even typing it out now, I don’t get it. Love the stuff about the twins birthdays in separate millennia. The pacing and twist at the end of Ch7 is perfect. Spot on. Ch11 – Felix grabbing the marker pen is the ‘most bizarre event’? Really? Stranger than the PE teacher pursued by wolves, everyone’s breakfast time appearance, the postman licking his hand, etc.? ‘Temporary classroom’ – this had me wondering whether the previous classroom had met with some kind of accident (burnt down? attacked by the wolves? Contaminated with silver?). It was distracting, because I was waiting to hear what had happened. In the end, I concluded that you simply meant it was what was called a ‘mobile’ at my school. As such classrooms, in my experience, tend to stay in one place and last for years I think ‘Pre-fab’ would be a better description. In natural history Jinger is tired from standing for so long. Unless she has some sort of illness that causes exhaustion I think she should be ‘uncomfortable’ rather than ‘tired’, which makes her sound a bit feeble IMHO. And then I read for seven chapters without making a single note, which is when I decided to give up the crit and just enjoy the rest of the book. It’s really good. I like Jinger. I kept putting off reading this because I knew I would want to read the whole thing and get no other crits done but then life got in the way and I wasn’t getting any crits done anyway so I thought ‘what the hell...’ I read authonomy stuff on my phone, which often stops me from truly engaging with the story. That has not been a problem here. I look forward to buying the print copy, and I expect it to have the logo of a major publisher on the spine.

This is the perfect read for late pre-teen and early teenagers. There is just a hint of early 'Harry Potter' in the style but not nearly enough to detract at all from either the writing or the originality of the storyline. It is very well written (the only book that I have read on this site to date that needs, to my mind at least, almost no editing at all) in a flowing style that will definitely catch the interest of the younger reader whilst being a good read for the mothers and some fathers, as well. This is another of those books that I am surprised has not already been snapped up by a publisher as it is, what I hope will be, the first in a series of books about Jinger and her friends and their Murkle moon as they age and their many fans (there will be long queues to buy them I am sure) age with them. A great read! Well done Lucy!!

Lucy, Your story is based on a brilliant idea and your writing is clear, concise, and vibrant. However, every time I see your pitch, I want to fix it. Possibly, it’s just me. I recently got a newsletter from Nelson Literary Agency in which this agent highly praised a query letter I thought was the dreariest dribble I’d ever read. So take what I’m about to say with a pinch of salt: “Bloody moons. They never do what you want and this one is no different.” I like this, but wonder if the word “bloody” is appropriate for YA. Also, why add “and this one is no different”? If no different then why mention it? And when your story begins with the Murkle Moon staring back at Arthur, why mention that all moons stare back at you? Is not a Murkle Moon a very special moon? Why emphasize its commonality? “Why would anyone write a story about the last baby of the previous millennium?” A bit confused. Is your story about why anyone would write such a story or the last baby born at the turn of the millennium? Consider deleting this. “Jinger’s birth date gave her the feeling that she was old when she was a little girl; that she really belonged to a time in which she had barely lived. Her twin was new and young, the inaugural child of the silver new year, whereas Jinger was a lingering remnant of the instantly unfashionable thousand years before.” A good pitch needs to be in the present tense. It’s more exciting. Jinger is born at the end of the millennium. Her twin sister is born as the new one begins. Jinger grows up feeling old. Her twin sister grows up feeling young. You can rewrite this more aesthetically, but that’s about how it should go. Perhaps you could also mention that Jessica regards herself as the pretty one. “Sent up to school in Murkle, home of the famous wandering Moon, Jinger wants to fit in with the other pupils so much she even tries to copy their accent. But people in Murkle seem to have been waiting for her to arrive, one of them for more than a hundred years.” OK, I suggest you rewrite this paragraph until it’s as clear and smooth as the writing in your book. Things change when Jinger attends a school in Murkle that’s famous for its wandering Moon. She struggles to be like the other children, even copies their accent, until she meets a man who has longed to meet her for over a hundred years. Arthur is a great character. The more Arthur you can put in your pitch and book, the better. Beginning your story with him is a great idea. It’s his hundredth birthday on millennium eve as he stares at the Murkle Moon. He’s seen, done, and thought everything and nothing makes him smile anymore. Excellent. You could even add another sentence or two that emphasizes Arthur’s crushing feeling of aloneness even when he’s with his granddaughters and great-granddaughters. Not only is he alone, he yearns for a part of himself that’s been missing all his life. He yearns for Jinger, the last one born in the old millennium. And this is nothing you haven’t already heard. Obviously, like so many writers you love your prologue. I love it too. But I submit that it’s not a prologue. It’s CHAPTER ONE. And that is all. You’ve written a lovely book. Andrew

This is a YARG review: A terrific read. You have some imagination on you, Lucy. I adored the prologue. From the melancholy start to the gleeful absurdity of the talking moon, that chapter came alive for me. There was just enough detail that I didn't feel bogged down in too many words, and I could easily watch the story and images unfold before me. I thought it was simply magical. I could have read an entire book with just Arthur and the Murkle Moon. The prologue was a tough act to follow, but I enjoyed meeting the twins, and the promise of what lurked in Murkle kept me invested. Especially when the word “Hunting” was stressed. Great ending to the first chapter, as well. I have no idea where this story is going, and I love that about it. Mike Arrival of the Ageless What, the Elf?

Hi Lucy! I know you don't need telling how great your book is, but here I am to tell you anyway. I enjoyed the first chapters and have rated it 6 stars! You deserve it. :) You're almost there! Yehey! :) I'm sure you're going to get great comments. I'm crossing my fingers for you! :) It's me, D - LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

Lucy, Three more chapters for you, then I’m about done for the week. Chapter 17: -C17, P1, I would start with “Ms Flapp” rather than “She” to avoid any confusion right off. No need to make us think too hard. -C17, P3, How about a couple commas in “But[,] as a Third Year form tutor[,] she would have invited…” I would also be tempted to take out the part “Ms Flapp would have agreed” since it is already her thoughts we are hearing. Kinda redundant. -P4 below the break. I think it might be a UK thing or just an adjective too far, but I would lose the word “most” from “frenzied crowd than the journalist from the most local paper.” -Toward the end, there is a mildly confusing line in “preferred to telephone Ms Flapp or send emails when she was busy in class”. It makes it almost sound like Fran was the one busy in class, although it is intended to be Ms Flapp. -Third to last paragraph, extra word? “Could Arthur have the power to destroy [of] the whole of Murkle?” -Poor Ms Flapp. Always having trouble making a decision. I like it Chapter 18: -I’ve got nothing. So there you go – it’s perfect! Chapter 19: -C19, P3 – I was the son of a teacher. There were no good things about being the son of a teacher. I could get away with nothing. Although I did not mind your line “with the right people he could get away with a little more.” I could see that. But that’s probably the only good thing. -Your descriptions are so vivid, and funny. I really liked how the lake water looked a bit too lakey and a place of incarceration. -Poor Felix. I really feel sorry for the little guy. This has some great coming of age qualities. I’m rooting for him. -Second to last paragraph, how do you feel about commas on introductory clauses? I always use them. I would use commas at “When he changed for the first time tonight[,] everyone…” and again at “If Felix was in a pack[,] he knew”. But everyone has their own style. -There are also a couple of minor redundancies in that same paragraph. Tonight, in the above, would be an example, since the whole chapter is about tonight. Also, talking about the pack and the brothers gets repeated quite a bit. Maybe lose “as them” in “And if he could eventually join the same pack [as them], even better.” I can’t wait to read more about the longest night. But, sadly, that will have to wait until next week. -Chris

This is the sort of book you don't want to end, so i'm relishing every chapter. Good work! Six stars and on my shelf. Catarina x

Brilliant idea! Well-executed and polished - deserves to reach the desk in very short order - 5 stars. MP Jones They Shoot Birds, Don't They?

Wow, what can I say except this has the potential to be one of my favourite fantasy books ever! Rich characters, wonderful names and (as other readers have mentioned) a whimsical view of the world that drags you in and keeps you inside. If ever there was a book to move from pre-publish to hardcover, this is it. I can't wait to complete my stay inside.

Lucy, I’m back. Continuing on with Chapter 13: -C13, P2 – I would prefer “one long, narrow building” with a comma and removing thin for narrow. But that’s just me. -C13, P8 – Smelt vs. smelled. Not sure about your UK slang. More importantly, the following line “only much worse” does not really define if the kennel or this classroom was the one that smelt/smelled worse. I assume the classroom. -Question, if the room was dark, why was Felix trying to jump up to look in the window (other than to impress the girls)? He couldn’t possibly see anything, or was it a different room? -C13, P15 – I would drop earlier as a tad redundant from “the girls Felix had been trying to impress earlier”. Also, you might tweak the wording on “each one stopped and lay down”. Laid down? I don’t know, I suck with lay/lie stuff. -Interesting thoughts on the domestication of dogs. At first I was going to say that this is too much, but upon further review I really like it. And I assume it has something to do with the plot. Chapter 14: -C14, P2 – A thought on Mr. Baldwin’s description. Earlier short and a plump face (meaning the rest was fairly plump too). Here he is “small”. Small works with short, but not so much with chubby. -C14, P3 – You have a couple of long sentences (third and last) with conjunctions that could probably use a comma. -C14, P11 – I would probably swap out “see” for “read” to make it perfectly clear that you’re talking about the e-mails in “She was not so pleased to see some of the others.” -Oooh, saucy. Scarlet letter stuff. May was about to get married to the fisherman and still she was ‘laying on my back in newly mown grass…lay down beside me, love ain’t for keeping’. Sorry, I love The Who. That’s what that scene reminded me of. It does bring questions to my mind if she was soon to be wed. Just sayin’ -Whoa, did you just get all biblical on me? The moon shown down on the house where Jinger was born, just like the star leading the wise men? You are so clever. -Toward the end, I would try to rewrite to drop the had had in “a bit like being told they had had an unfortunate.” You could probably just get away with one. Chapter 15: -C15, P2 – I would add a “he” to “understood the Moon[,] so he [was] required to stay at the school.” -I really can’t find anything to comment on. The story with Malcolm was heart rending. -I like the way you close with what is Jinger doing here, although it seems odd that she would have been welcome. I probably forgot from earlier, but if everyone seemingly has a Murkle tie, why would they let a Brink Stentoner into the school? Chapter 16: -C16, P1 – I don’t quite understand the first paragraph. I don’t get what she almost caught up to? She missed two classes but you say they had dinner together, so it wasn’t catching up with her friends to go to bed. -C16, P6 – You might be overthinking the whole getting caught thing with Jinger trying to decide if she is lost, or what to say if she gets caught. I would drop some of that and keep with the excellent suspense. I can’t wait to find out what’s up with Tabs. -Tabs changing into a wolf is cleverly done. I like the way Jinger pauses trying to decide if she should pet Tabs. My only suggested would be to maybe introduce a brief element of fear and anxiety. Why is Jinger not the slightest afraid of the wolf outside or Tabs, if only for a second? Going straight to the joke “said Jinger, horribly shocked” was a little too cheerful for something that is kinda scary. -Now I get it from earlier. The tourist attraction is the moon, DUH, not the wolves. I’m pretty dense sometimes. -Something more dangerous than wolves, what a great innocent question to ask. See ya, Captain. Back again next week. -Chris

YARG Hi Lucy, I just finished reading through chapter 5. I like this a lot. My biggest complaint is that, 5 chapters in, there have been a lot of allusions to something going on, but nothing concrete. I'd say, either don't allude to the bigger picture so much or show me a little bit more of what is going on. Even without alluding to what might be important about Jinger, I'm hooked. The characters are interesting enough to pull the reader through the story. If you're going to keep alluding to things, then you need to make Jinger a little more curious about what's going on. It feels weird that while I, the reader, am curious, Jinger is not. Here are my chapter-by-chapter notes: Prologue: “…much longer than seemed responsible for a man of his age.” – you don’t need “for a man of his age”. We get that he’s old, so this is sort of redundant. “Anyone might have guessed that…” – This makes it sound like what you’re about to tell us is the truth, but then you say it’s not. Maybe say “most people might have guessed” Chp1: “Thirteen years later…” – Okay so I don’t really like prologues. I think that lately there’s an overabundance of them in YA lit and they’re kind of pointless. Often they give away too much info that could be told later, or are used as a sort of crutch so things don’t have to be told later, or they just aren’t the best way to start the story. That being said, I like yours so far, but if there’s a better way to put that information in later, do that. If this is how you want to start your story, then make it the first chapter. Why make it a prologue? If you want to keep it a prologue, then you have to assume that half of your readers won’t read the prologue. Personally when I read books, I usually skip the prologue and read it later. Nine times out of ten I didn’t miss anything by skipping it. However, the first sentence of your book proper forces me to read the prologue. Don’t do that. You don’t want any reader to start your book thinking “thirteen years after what???” They’ll spend the beginning trying to figure it out instead of reading your story. (That was long-winded…sorry about that) “The bus swung into the bus station” – cut the second use of the word bus. It’s implied that it’s the bus station, so just station works. “She could see that the bus stairs…” – You do this a lot. Say “saw” or something more active than “could see” – always go for the stronger verb. “She noticed that the other pupils…” Okay so this is a similar thing. You can just say “the other pupils…” We know that we’re in Jinger’s head, so we’ll assume the thought is hers. As long as you’re in 3rd person limited like this, you don’t have to tell us that it was her thought. The more you put us in her head, the more we’ll assume we’re there. Alright, so I like this chapter. It’s in a VERY different tone than the prologue (another reason I’d rethink having a prologue). The one thing I’d like to see more of is questions. I feel like I’m halfway in Jinger’s head, but not all the way. Wouldn’t she be asking more questions to herself? Be more curious? Things are very suspicious. I’d like to see her reacting to that. Chp 2: Oh….ok. So this goes back to Arthur. In that case, I think you should just go ahead and make the prologue the first chapter. It’s clear that we have to read it first, so don’t make it something people might skip. It’s a great opening, so just go ahead and make it chapter 1. “was not most interested in…” – this sounds kind of awkward. I’m not entirely sure how to explain it, but the wording just sounds strange. Chp 3: “There was canteen-style service…” Dunno why, but this sounds like you’re about to start a list of what there was. It would sound more natural to say “the service was canteen style” – since it’s the only type of service. “…area joined onto the Lower School Hall, separated from it by…” I think you should rework this description. It’s a little confusing. It’s joined and separated from the LSH in the same sentence. “it was slippy in the boy’s mouth” – slippery Chp 4 I’m confused as to why you made this a new chapter. It’s extremely short and doesn’t seem to have much going for it as a separate chapter. I’d suggest merging it with the chapter before. I like the place where you break the 3rd chapter, but the break only seems to be there for affect. I don’t think you should break chapters. Chp 5 Arthur seems rather sprightly for someone that’s 113 years old. It seems to unnatural. Even if he’s still able to move around easily, his age should show somehow. I don’t know why it is but your narrative flows a lot more easily when you are in Arthur’s head. You also get into his head more. I’d like to see this same close relationship to Jinger in her chapters. --- Overall, I really like this. I hope that you continue to climb. Just make sure that you keep editing and improving. This will only get better. Good job! I've backed your book, and I hope it helps you continue to advance. Anna-Lara

This is a super book filled with hope joy and I can see why it has been doing so well here. Good luck on getting to the top five soon.

Hello Lucy, Ben recommended your book, and since I’ve had my eye on it for a wee while I’ve now read the first 9 chapters. I really enjoyed your writing, and I’ll try to come back and read more soon. I’ve deliberately tried to find something to comment on (not because I’m mean, but after a while really good books on here tend to get ‘this is simply wonderful’ as feedback, and nothing more). Apart from the tiny, picky little comments below, I only thought of one thing as I was reading: Even though I enjoyed the cosy, slightly weird atmosphere of the Murkle school and its teachers and students, I thought the story took a while to get going. There are little hints of mysterious goings on, but no full-blown ‘action’. I thought that a publisher/agent with 5 minutes to spend on each manuscript may not have the patience to read on. Authonomy chapter 3, 2nd line: ‘blinked in some time’ just wondered if ‘for some time’ would be slightly better? Not that it matters, but I’ve written it down now so I may as well post it. Authonomy ch 4-5. I assume you put the end of the ‘meat incident’ at the beginning of ch 5 in order to end ch 4 with on a cliff hanger? But I wonder if it would sit better at the end of ch 4? The end of the meat incident is so short that it looks and feels a bit odd at the start of ch 5, which mostly deals with another subject. You’ve taken Ben’s place on my shelf! If you’ve got the time, I’d love your comments on Oskar the Viking. Jessica

this one is not my usual selection to read, but i have to say... well done you got old dog doing new tricks. fantastic, backed, starred and love

Hi Lucy, well i finally finished your book. Sorry it took me so long, but things in the real world have been a little bit crazy lately. In terms of feedback I come back to my original assessment; I really like your idea but feel it has not been fleshed out fully. You seem to have difficulty diferentiating between your narrative, your world and your backstory. I feel that most of what we have been given is backstory and this seems pretty well developed with maybe only a couple of weak points. However it is delivered most of the time either in lieu of narrative, taking up entire chapters or distracting from the action in large info dumps. Sorry hate using the lingo, but it applies! Basically it removes me from the story. I would prefer if it was given in smaller, more integral pieces, through dialogue or history lessons at school- think Chamber of Secrets with Prof Mcgonagal telling the kids the legend. Also in order to give us this backstory you constantly shift focus away from Jinger and onto other characters, including dead relatives. I would prefer to stick with Jinger for most of the story. Also I think that structure would help you know what to reveal and in what order. In contrast both the narrative and the world of Murkle feel underdeveloped. I still feel like there are too many questions unanswered, too many points on which I am unsure and large gaps which I can't fill, that again trip me up when trying to feel connected to what is going on. It feels as though there are only three kids at the school and three teachers. I don't know what classes they have. Both the history and geneology that you reveal could be part of their lessons. I don't know what the school looks like, I don't know its traditions. I liked the idea of having celebrations on the longest night- more details like this please!!- and more of a sense of occasion or build up, kids talking about it in class would be good. I know next to nothing about the wolves. There is no mention of special diet, are there mood changes approaching the change? Sudden growth spurts? Is there a special ceremony for the night they first turn, special classes for the third years to prepare them? Why is it so important to change? How are the ones that don't change treated? You could show this through Felix, thus allowing us to get a better feel for him. Is he ostracised? Does that perhaps bring him and Jinger together, as she is another outsider? Perhaps it would work better if Tabs too was an outsider, perhaps because of her baby brother, so they could be a tight group, and it would add some conflict between them and some of the other students. At the moment their friendship feels perfunctory. Jinger loneliness is not fully felt, and for the emotional impact of Felix's decision to work, we must both feel his pain at not turning and the depth of his friendship for her. The moon too remains a mystery. I loved the idea of it talking to Arthur at the start, yet it never reappears as a personality again. Perhaps having it talking to Jinger, displaying a special power even the others don't have would be a nice twist. Plus how much others know remains somewhat fuzzy. Its an extra moon and it wanders- it seems like everyone must know! I think I made that point before. I think you try to hold too much about this back. Its not the twist, in fact I woud probably use it as part of your blurb, so don't try to be obscure about this. Reveal it, and draw out the details through the structure of the third years preparations and eventual transformations. Perhaps culminating in the big celebration of the Longest Night. Other points to consider with narrative is passage of time. I feel as though we were at chapter seven before we'd even got through a day. And also your villain doesn't appear til fairly late through, and from then on there is one reveal after another, with all the action concentrated in the last third. Make mention of the 'villain' and the threat he poses earlier on, building up again to what happens. I really struggle with this as well. But basically I felt you need more action in the earlier phases; a couple of key incidents in the first two halves leading up to the final scene. I also felt your climax happened too early, and then tailed off. I liked the final twist but the very last chapter felt unnecessary. I don't want to reveal too much - do spoilers count on authonomy? If you want to discuss narrative more I would love to, as like I say this is what I am currently struggling with and we might be able to help each other out. That was a long post, phew! Sorry. Hope it was helpful. I really do like your story. There is so much potential there. Consider this- if your world wasn't interesting, no one would want to know more! B

Lucy, Continuing on with Chapter 9: -C9, P7 – I’m no expert, but it seems that the semicolon should be a comma in “how this strange school worked; with its weird teachers…” -C9, P8 – I know grammar is not a big deal in dialogue, but I would like to see a comma after course in “Not Felix of course, but he’s trying.” -C9, P14 – How about changing got to gotten in “neither of whom had got past the dressing stage” -C9, P18 – I would be tempted to drop “their” in “tried not to look anxious about their being late already.” Even “already” could probably go too. There are two already’s in the next paragraph. -That’s so sad the way you describe Jinger as the last, forgotten baby of the last millennium. Chapter 10: -C10, P2 – How do you feel about changing got to became in “Some time [sometime?] after it got light [out], Ms Flapp” -Mid-way down, just past the break, is “got” vs. “gotten” a UK slang thing? I would say “But he had not got[ten] used to eating with the pupils” -Very saucy, Authur and May in the grass. -I knew it! I just knew the students were wolves. -But, wait, what’s this. A love child maybe??? What a terrific chapter. Chapter 11: -You may have overstated the case for liking Felix at the end of Chap 9. You say he ‘did something so kind that Jinger instantly changed her mind.’ All he did was take the pen so Ms. Flapp didn’t freak out. While kind, soooo kind might be an overstatement. -So, by this point, with the memory that can’t forget, it seems that Jinger is the new Arthur. I kinda got that feeling earlier, but it seems more obvious now. I like the way things come together seamlessly, not forced. -There was a lot of excellent information in this chapter about the wolves. And, as always, it ends with suspense. Chapter 12: -C12, P3 – Add commas around Dorothy in “His only employee, Dorothy, had good IT skills.” Should you say computer instead of IT so your target audience understands? -Why is Murkle mountain such a hot tourist spot? Other than the scary wolf stories, who would want to go there? Brink Stenton almost sounds nice, down on the sea, if only you hadn’t made it so bland. Just curious. -I guess you know a little something about writing a fishing story :) The boat trip with Grandad was very touching. -Granny Bloom was May. The love child was Julia. Wow! Now that was a twist that I did not quite expect. Arthur is Jinger’s grandad! Holy crap! I’ve got to stop here for a while and catch my breath…

I really loved this so I'm putting it on my shelf. I hope it helps you get to the top, you really deserve it. I particularly liked the old man up in his observatory and, of course, the wandering moon.

Wow! Congratulations Lucy! You're nearly there! You deserve it! All the best, D Leo & Rover: The Purple Marble Adventures

Hi Lucy, I love Murkle Moon so far! I’m 10 chapters in and these are the notes I’ve made as I went along: Great opening sentence in the prologue. Instead of ‘anyone might have guessed’ I’d say ‘anyone might have thought…’ 'Guessed' seems like they’ve hit on the truth, when actually they’d be mistaken. But otherwise, this a brilliant first paragraph. Very simple and yet totally intriguing. Totally loved the whole prologue. I think Arthur’s a great character and you’ve described him and the situation really well without any unnecessary exposition or long-windedness. The images are distinct and unusual, really a pleasure to read. I think prologues can be hit and miss and quite often they’re blatant ‘tricks’ to get you to read on, being too full of action and not really related to the story, but I think this one is great, it would definitely hook the reader without being at all obvious or over the top about it. The only thing that pulled me up short (and I’m really reaching for stuff to suggest here) was the repetition of the ‘wandering/wander’ in the last paragraph. Maybe you could replace or lose the ‘wandering’. Chapter 1: Again, a good opening sentence. Very relatable situation, and I like the name Jinger. I think the description of Jessica’s room is very clever because it also tells us exactly what Jinger’s like when she describes it as ‘unbreathable’. Should there be a comma after ‘pretty’? (really reaching now) I feel sorry for Jinger already. Her sister’s so nasty! Chapter 2 – love the description of Arthur lying on the carpet. You could replace one of careful/carefully in paragraph 2. So far my favourite bits are the ones with Arthur. The sentence about his shape fitting on the rug and the chair is lovely. I like Jinger’s chapter too, but I prefer Arthur’s. Maybe it’s because the part about Jinger has to give the reader information (we need to know about her family, her sister, her changing school, her lack of confidence) while Arthur’s parts are absolutely free from having to tell us anything, in fact the odder and more mysterious he seems the better, so you’re free to leave out everything but his most interesting, intriguing and bizarre actions, which is obviously much more fun to read (and write) than filling in backstory. His parts are filled with lovely descriptions and funny details rather than information. I’m not suggesting you need to fix anything here, I’ve just been thinking a lot about opening chapters recently, and the evils of exposition, which I think is what makes them so difficult. Reading your MS, I’ve just realised a new way to deal with that in the opening – have a mysterious character where you don’t really need to focus too much on exposition and you can have a first chapter that’s really enjoyable to read. I think even the cleverest incorporation of necessary detail will never be as good as something that has been written without those restrictions. I’m rambling now, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about recently. A lot of stuff I’ve read on Authonomy has had problems with exposition in the openings and I’m currently trying to make my own opening as smooth as possible. But I think you’ve handled the necessary info in Jinger’s chapter very well actually. I just think it’s interesting that every time a writer ‘has’ to do something (like include facts, or get a character from one room to another) it suddenly becomes much harder to write. It’s what turns poetry into prose, I suppose! I like Ms Flapp. We’re told very little about her except that she can’t make decisions and yet that’s enough. I like her already. Chapter 3 – very dramatic, definitely a page turner, and quite delightfully disgusting. Chapter 4 – I liked this, I think the room mates have enough description to distinguish them from one another but not an overwhelming amount. There’s a nice hint of strangeness everywhere but nothing too obvious. There’s a good feeling of settling into the story in chapters 3 and 4. Chapter 5 – I love Arthur! He’s so funny. The whole idea of the wandering moon is also good, very original. Chapter 6 – I don’t think ‘sport’s teacher’ should have an apostrophe. Chapter 7 – So sad! And nicely placed, since it keeps us in suspense over Jinger’s discovery in the hall. The car crash is really well done and unexpected. Doubly so since it appears to have been deliberate. (Should it be ‘there’ll be trouble’, not ‘they’ll’?) Chapter 8 – I’m beginning to suspect werewolves! (and I love the name Jinger Barley btw) Chapter 9 – I like the whole ‘twins born on either side of the millennium thing’; it’s very interesting. Chapter 10 – another great chapter about Arthur. And a good way to reveal the werewolves to the reader (since they’ll suspect anyway) without having Jinger find out about them. You have a genius for first sentences and last sentences that make you want to read on. I keep waiting for a good place to stop and send you my feedback so far but at the end of every chapter I just want to keep going, so I’m going to stop here anyway, but I’ve no doubt I will read on and finish the book. I’ll let you know what I think. So far I think it’s really good. The pace is great, the tone is consistent, and it’s nice to read something that’s so well edited. It’s very professional and I wasn’t constantly reaching for the red pen or thinking, ‘I’d have done XYZ instead…’ The writing feels very natural and the twin element gives the story an intriguing take on the by now familiar ‘Harry Potter meets Twilight’ theme. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this ends up being published! I hope this has been useful! On an unrelated note, I’m still trying to figure out the site – do you have to get a certain number of star ratings before they calculate your rating? Or do you have to have people back your book before it’s calculated? And are you supposed to ask people to rate/back your book (seems cheeky) or is that frowned upon? I’m worried about doing the wrong thing and offending people! Thanks, Em

Finished it. Your book is going to stay on my shelf until you reach the ED.

Lucy, you are a born story-teller. This deserves to be published. Looking forward to seeing it make the ED and hopefully an offer of publication. Best of luck Sue

;)

Hi Lucy, More of my CHIRG review. YALF too I suppose. 13 – Poor Granny Bloom – I did mean to ask about the implied sex with Arthur earlier. It was very carefully done earlier, but still it maybe is not a children’s level item. Just a thought, as it seems it must be important for the novel to be able to tie Jinger through her mom to Arthur. The story does seem a trifle dark, especially with Granny kicking the bucket. Not sure this is bad as I am enjoying the story. 14 – Tabs has some hidden secrets I see. Lots of 15 – 16 - Ah, they only let Murkles in. Kind of close to Muggle in Harry Potter. 17 – Woodcutters! – shades of Red Riding Hood. I like that. 18 – Ah – Special powers for Jinger. And a mystery… are they evil powers? Hmmm. This is excellent as a story and the quaint way it is constructed adds tremendously to its charm. 19 – 20. Poor Felix. I am betting he doesn’t change on the Longest Night. Your story is coming together well for me now. I am very much enjoying it. Thank you.

Excellent, well written, interesting characters. One of the better books I've read here.

CHIRG Review Hi Lucy, I liked this from the very start. Honestly, the story is nothing I've read before. The seriousness of Arthur works well with the cuteness of the sisters, Jinger and Jessica. Kids always like stories about school, magic, and friendship, so I'm sure this will sell well. At first you get the impression that the premise is simple, but as you go on reading, you find out that it's actually not. With the characters' transformations into wolves, you're really stepped this up to a significantly high level. The kids are funny at times, their actions and dialogue. The rivalry between the sisters is nothing but interesting and funny at times, too. If I have one very insignificant slightly negative comment, it will be that there are some unnecessary back story about less important characters in the middle of the book. It's not disturbing or something, but it's something to look at on your next edit. The pace of the book, the narrator, and the supporting characters works very well for me. The main characters, especially the sisters have been developed very well, and I cannot point any complaint. The dialogue is enjoyable, and the information being thrown at the readers through the dialogue is done very well. Rated 5 stars. All the best to you Lucy. I honestly enjoyed reading your book and I wish you nothing but great feedback from the ED. D - Leo & Rover: The Purple Marble Adventures

This is a YARG review. :-) Hi Lucy! What a fun book! I have been reading for days. cant stop. Cant remember if I commented or not. :-) just keep reading. :-) YOu ahve so many mysteries going on, the writing is so fun to read, and the characters so unique and loveable, that I have to keep reading. :-) I know I had notes for you, but I cant find them. I just know they were all about how pleasant your writing is to read. I did find one thing that you might have meant to be different.: in chapter 8 you wrote: "I hope you've been good girls or they'll be trouble". Did you mean to say "or there'll be trouble" ? Fascinating story! YOu have a great gift for writing as well as for critiquing, picking out good books, and heading up reading groups. :-) Good luck to you! I will make a note to back this one on the next go round. :-) we'll get it to the top. :-)

Lucy, I just had to come back and pick up where I left off. Here goes with some additional comments… Chapter 5 (Authonomy 6): -C5, P6, might I suggest changing “and the mini-crises that young people were surrounded by” to “and the mini-crises that surrounded young people” Chapter 6: -C6, P3A, add commas to the line “This[,] and the unpleasantness of Felix choking last night[,] made Jinger realize…” By the way, wasn’t the choking the same night, or did I lose a day somewhere? -This chapter is very short in comparison to C5. Chapter 7: -Oh, my goodness. Why would anyone deliberately push Julia into the river? It’s horrible. Chapter 8: It seems every chapter end with suspense. This one is certainly no different. What can I say to be of any help to you? As I already knew, this is terrific. So that’s all I can offer, words of praise. -Chris

‘Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon’ Hi Lucy, As a fantasy reader-writer, I came across your novel and was absolutely charmed by its pitch! It’s such a wonderfully different story and the pitch alone put a smile on my face. I’m still trying to sum up a reason why exactly, but the word ‘magic’ keeps on springing to mind. Your opening is truly captivating – the setting, the mood and the character of Arthur Oldham (whose name alone is simply wondrous) are all fabulous. You have the rare knack of drawing in your reader without even seeming to be giving it any effort. It simply happens in a deliciously fluid manner. You manage to conjure up a cheeky yet saddened old man within a matter of sentences, one that the reader becomes immediately attached to. The mystery of the Murkle Moon’s appearance hooks the reader and entices them to read on in an excellent fantasy style. I particularly like the chalk-cheese appearance of the twins, and found Jinger’s social ineptitude especially humorous. The dialogue between Jinger and her sister is wonderfully well written. The idea of sibling rivalry (or simply sibling teasing and nastiness) is a great theme that a vast amount of your target audience could very easily relate to. There are some tiny (and I mean tiny) things to consider e.g. Jinger’s ‘shoulder shrug’ attitude to werewolves. However, I freely hold up my hands and say that this may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black, as I have some similar instances in my work which have been picked up upon. Though as an eight-part series, I have a ‘defence’ for things being that way at first sight haha! Overall, you have – in my opinion and indeed the opinion of many people on this sight – created a wonderful piece of fiction. As a teacher, this is just the sort of story that I would dearly love to use in the classroom with my younger secondary school students. They would positively adore it, though I’d argue that I loved it more! This will be a welcome addition to the bookstores and I have every confidence that that is where it will be very soon. It thoroughly deserves a place on the editors desk and the stores beyond. I wish you every success. Your work was a true pleasure to read. High stars from me and a place on my bookshelf. Ryan ‘The Angel of Prophecy’

Hi Lucy This is a return read and Yarg review: Just read the first nine chapters and am solidly drawn in! it's crisp and I am dying to know what is going on! Only two things I noticed. Tabs has pigtails and that's the only description of her, yet Suki, Sasha and Pippa all get more description. I'd like a bit more to picture her. What colour is her hair etc. Ch 6- When Author says They will think how Cool I am. Cool has a capital, should be lower case. I normally am not a huge fan of following more than one to two characters per story, however all your characters are rather intriguing and I seem to have made an exception for Murkle Moon! And that's it, I couldn't find anything else! I just enjoyed it! I will definitely read on to discover the mysteries Jinger is facing.! Kata Twell

Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon This is a delightful, easy-going YA of the Urban fantasy flavour, with a bit of coming of age mixed in. It is very well written with really successful chapter transitions (good cliffhangers) very good character development, a nice bit of humour and an intriguing, if difficult to envision, premise.  I read the first twenty chapters, about half way through. I would read more if I did not have quite so many return reads due. Before anything, I will say that this book definitely deserves to make it to the desk and will no doubt be picked up for publishing. However, I think the folks at HC and editors will ask for some work from you. I will touch on some of the issues that stand out for me, at least. Plot and hook- Here is where I rant about prologues and how I hate them. But  (surprise) I find your use of a prologue appropriate and successful. It puts forth a wee bit of background information that would not easily fit into the plot of the story (although I can't see why not, as you flash back several times, but never mind that now).  It successfully established the overriding mystery of the book, the wondering moon, and introduced us to a very important character that does not come back for a couple of chapters. That having been said, the prologue, in spite of it success, was not in my opinion the strongest of hooks, particularly for the target audience. Here is a really, really old man thinking about offing himself, and the moon convinces him not to do it. It is a bit sad and rather grown up. I am honestly not sure if the prologue alone would hook me if I were your target audience. However, it is short, and I feel that you hook well enough in chapter one. The uncomfortable rivalry between the twins is very well  done and makes for compelling reading. You gracefully establish Jessica's insecurity which leads her to try to make everyone (including herself) believe that she is superior, and Jinger's self-conscious social cluelessness. This makes a good character drive hook. Jessica's nastiness and self centredness are carried off very effectively. I particularly liked the school bag trick. Quite nasty. So, while I do think that the early hook would be tighter if we went straight into chapter one, I see your need for the prologue, and I think that the beginning of the book hooks well.  As to plot, I think this book has some of the most successful chapter transitions that I have seen on the site. The cliffhanger mechanism is carried off very successfully, particularly because you often will end a chapter with a line that makes us turn the page (last lines like "But only moments later he did something so kind that she instantly changed her mind.") followed by chapters that pick up at a completely different place in the narrative. This is a very clever and well executed technique to carry the plot forward, as it heightens the reader's attention right before a scene change to a perhaps less engaging (initially) narrative.  This method makes a nevertheless successful plot development even more engaging. As regards to the plot itself, I do have some stylistic qualms, but they might be very personal.   The first has to do with Jinger's lack of surprise at hearing about the werewolves. This is a very high level plot issue, synopsis level. When she first starts hearing about people turning into wolves she should be heading for the highlands. Or she needs to have known all along. But she seems very nonchalant about it, which, even if explained in the  part of the book I have not yet read, is odd and stands out.  Another fundamental plot issue is that if indeed neither she nor her father know her secret, then the choice of school is unexplained and very bizarre. Either she and or her dad know that she is special and belongs in the special school, or she should have received a special summons. You hint that her father might know, but if that is the fact he is strangely cruel for not telling her. Again, maybe this comes out later. You have a thing going with genetics which is obviously leading somewhere. But all in all I find Jinger's father's behaviour unexplainably rude. More on this in CD. On a wider level, there is a bit of looseness with the plot relay. Your first plot mechanism is the wondering moon, which is sort of left hanging. Then we have the mechanism of Jinger going to a new school, which, as I said earlier, is somewhat undermined by the fact that she takes to it so naturally even though she does not know she is supposed to be there. After you have done this, you establish the mechanism of her parentage and why she is here in the first place. Fair enough. Then, close to the end of the section that I read, you introduce the idea of the woodcutters and that Felix could become one of them - the implication being that those Ws in Arthur's tree have something to do with it. These are good plot mechanisms, but the issue is the handoff between them, which feel a bit rough to me. I think that a lot of this would sort itself out if you  deal with Jinger's being at the school more directly.  I would not want you to come to the conclusion that I think this is a big deal. I just find it a wee bit of  bump. Character development- You have really brilliant character development. I think Ms Flap is one of my favourite characters ever. I think you do a stupendous job with both Jinger and Jessica and that you handle the sibling rivalry very well. The moments you describe were great at establishing the different characters of the two girls. Arthur is also a very well developed character, although he is a bit hard for me to imagine at times.  His photographic memory combined with his longevity make him fascinating.  As I mentioned earlier, I did have a bit of an issue with Jinger's dad. I was not quite sure what you were doing with him. He is sweet, but mean in his aloofness. How can he be so blind as to the preferential treatment he gives Jessica and how hurtful it is for Jinger?. I have a feeling that you will explain all this later, but for the first half of the book he comes across a bit rude to me. However, that is not to say that he is badly developed. Again, there is a sweetness to him (flashback to the parent's meeting) and a certain silliness (the gift shop) which manage to make him endearing. Jinger's stepmother is a non-entity, but I am not sure whether that is an issue. I am also very fond of the children at the school, particularly Felix. They come across richly.  Internal consistency- There is an awful lot of suspension of disbelief. This is not a bad thing, in itself. My concern is, again, the justifications. Either neither Jinger nor her father knew, in which case the invitation to the school should have come across as a big surprise, and she should have  been frightened upon discovering that the kids are changelings  or they did know, in which case you should reveal it.  As regards the moon and planets, I cannot think of a way to envision this, or what it would mean for a an astronomical object to be seen only from one spot. It just does not make any sense to me. I do not think this is a bad thing either, but it is just not consistent with the rest of the book, which (as I am reading it) implies a normal reality with a hidden magical world where werewolves exist. I feel that either the world should be a lot more magical to accommodate such strangeness, that the magic should be invisible to people without powers (in which case there is no explanation for the touristic interest and the gift shop) or that the phenomenon should be explained somehow. Again, it all depends how comfortable you feel with internal consistency.  I have less of an issue with the werewolves changing, although the blur makes it seem more magical than the genetics talk implies (not that magic could not be genetic). I mean to say that you seem to be suggesting that werewolfness is a genetic trait and a biological process, in which case internal consistency may mandate you to make the changes look more biological, although not necessarily slower.  But you have the transitions appear magical.  I was also a bit unclear as to what happens to kids who do not turn in the fourth year. Do they stay in lower campus? That kind of thing.  Anyhow, I have been going on for a while. I think this is very good and will no doubt make it to print soon.  Best of luck with it.  Best, Maeve

I've seen this floating around for a while and to be honest, the title never really struck me as something I'd enjoy. Just dipped my toe into it and found I was completely wrong. Thank TB for the suggestion! I'm editing like mad at the moment trying to get RD ready to SP so not much time on my hands. I will read on at some point though. Good luck with it Sue

I wish it were possible to send private messages on here, as I don't want my feedback to be perceived as an affront, which it's not. I like your writing and story, and I'm well into Ch 5 (technically, Ch 4). One thing I wanted to point out was a tendency to use what I can only refer to as "double past-tenses." I'm sure there's an academic word for this but I don't know it. I constantly catch myself doing the same thing and once spent a better part of 6 hours going through my book and taking out all the unnecessary past perfect "had" and 'd contractions. Some sentences, of course, are made more clear with the use of had or 'd. However, I noticed in my own writing using them sparingly and in instances referring more to time than tense made my writing read much smoother. For example, in your first paragraphs. "He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age." Could read smoother and would read the same as: "He lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age." "Arthur had made a real effort to give up being determined when he retired" Would read the same if written as: "Arthur made a real effort to give up being determined when he retired" Even "Death had simply passed him by" could be "Death simply passed him by" although, that one I would say could go either way, since you're also dealing with a temporal issue and not just one of tense. I point this out because when I removed all of the "had" and the double past-tenses from my writing I was floored by how much smoother it read. Going to continue reading. It's great so far.

YARG review. Hi Lucy, I began reading this book before I joined the YARG and I didn't need an further incentive to continue, I will be definitely be finishing it. I'm really enjoying the chapters so far, you have some interesting and original ideas (I mean a wandering moon - wow) and though you're dropping hints to get my mind working, you're not giving anything away too soon which means that you keep your reader interested. I was also surprised at how touched I often felt, there is a real sadness in Jinger's relationship to her sister and the way she sees herself because of that relationship and I find myself caring for this character and hoping that she will soon start to feel more comfortable in her own skin! Can't wait to find out if she does. Isabel

I'm loving this read. Your characters are good and develop well. I like the bits of humour too. Also, you don't have many adverbs which is really good as I can picture what's going on which is exactly how it should be!

Lucy, For YARG III. I figured it was about time I got around to reading our fearless Captain’s story. I'm glad that I did. I made it through the Prologue and 4 chapters. Prol 1, Para 4 – When you say “swallowed up by the darkness, before leaving the bridge to descend the mountain” do you mean that the bridge is long? Or curved? I could see no other reason for cars to disappear while still on the bridge – I assume. The wording confused me. Later in the Prologue, how/why does Arthur stare down (leant over the railing) at the moon? Because he is looking down the mountain over the village and the Murkle Moon is very low in the sky? It's just a little hard to grasp, otherwise your writing is very clear and distinct. Chapter 1 – There is a lot of nice suspense and terrific character development. One really comes to despise Jessica, and Jinger seems so lovely. You can feel the nervousness as she heads off to the new school. Chapter 2 – Ms. Flapp is an interesting character. Are we to believe that Arthur is now 113 years old and soon to meet Jinger? I’m curious. Chapter 3 (into 4) – Each chapter is getting progressively shorter. Chapter one seems very long by comparison, but that’s probably okay. I’m curious why you broke up Felix choking into two chapters. It could have been settled in one. Chapter 4 (the rest) – more disquieting feelings of meeting new people. I like how you write that. But, again, it is kind of short. The little bits of humor and whimsy are terrificly spread throughout. The story is engaging – not just for the characters but for the storytelling. Nicely done. -Chris, your humble matey, Fugitives from Northwoods

YARG III Review. Jinger Barley and the Murkel Moon promises to be packed to its gills with twists and maybe twits. There is no telling what a story will come up with if it starts with a discontent Moon that has wanderlust in its heart. A moon that shows the face it wants to show rather than follow the order of things. Just where is Murkle and what has caused it to be such a strange place? With strange charters that take it upon themselves to name stars. One of the star namers can't make the simplest choice between two things. I could suggest a way for her to overcome that problem but first I would have to go the Murkle and I fear it would be easier to get to Narnia than Murkle. I love the children Tabs and Felix who so naturally accept Jinger. The set up for adventure and mischief is made early and I wait for it to happen. Through chapter 4 (5 Autho) and I am truy eager to get deep into the flow of the story. The hints of so many things have been scattered throughout these first chapters. We might even encounter the likes of Dread Pirate Roberts. When I have a few of my catch-up reads completed I hope to return to read much more. But I say that to all the books I like. 8=) Paul

I've never read any Potter, so comparisons here go over my head, but I am aware of the phenomenon. I dipped in and out of the chapters (on recommendations by your commenteers) and the writing throughout is engaging and crisp. This is not a genre I would read by choice, but my impression from my dipping is of an interesting tale nicely told. And joy! You have elected to upload the complete story. To have the confidence to reveal the ending is rare on Authonomy. To have finished the book at all another rarity... I'll add you to the watch list. Your story deserves a proper read. But I like what I've read. Good stuff.

A YARG Review, Hi Lucy, This is my very first YARG review...I always believe that stories are meant to take us for a ride...whether it be bumpy, full of adventure, funny or fantastic is a task that the writer is responsible for as soon as he or she thinks that first thought that shall eventually become a whole new world that the reader will, for a time visit... the hardest to do is to introduce this world and make sure that the reader stays for the whole ride and not jump from whatever vehicle the author decides after tasting just a few words... i am still riding and am very excited to where this trip takes me... Chapter one has intrigued me with flashes of what is to come, Arthur has been made real and the whimsical world that includes the murkle moon will keep me here for a while... your story flows superbly, it has its own charm that has captured my fancy... high stars from me and more feedback soon.. thanks... snakey/archie THIRD GATE

Hi Lucy, This is a YARG III Review. I have read the first 4 chapters of your book, and then got my 13year old daughter to read it, and both she and I love it, so much so that my 7 year old insisted that we read it to her, and she also loved it. (Yes I had to explain a few words to her like celestial). Although I understand that your book is written for young adults, they both loved it. Your writing is clever, funny, and very engaging for the reader. Six stars and backed. Let's get this book to the editors desk :) Lindsay Vanessa Helsing

Stunning Piece of writing. I spent most of the day reading this and just did not want to stop. Will continue to read soon!

Hi Lucy, Re-start of CHIRG and YALF review. Chapter 7 – I had no Comments. Chapter 8 – Paragraph starting - “Caroline Gulley came into the school office.” Caroline is in a wheel chair, but it appears that is intentionally hidden in the story at first. I suggest (Unless there is some secret benefit) that you come right out and say “…in her wheel chair…” at the beginning. “Hope my Caroline isn’t working you too hard, lovey.” Apparently Douglas’s secretary is related somehow to Caroline Gulley. I would suggest bringing it right out or it sounds secretive. Is it important that it appear secret? Is chapter 8 a flash-back? It has me confused since I believe Jinger and her sister are both older already. Perhaps a little explanation? “It’s me sweetheart. Jessica says she has (a) tummy ache.” Missing an “a”? “…turning off the long orange lights…” Orange seems an unusual hallway light color in a school. Is there a reason they aren’t normal florescent or perhaps “orange-tinged”? Wow. Murder out of nowhere. Good surprise. I think it would help if the chapter began with some indication that it is a flash-back. Oh, and saying Dorothy was Caroline’s mom earlier also seems more appropriate that at the end of the chapter as they are murdered. I went back to the beginning of chapter 8 to see if I missed something. Nope. I still think it would be a benefit if it clearly said something to make it clear it is a flash-back Chapter 9 – Very interesting. Written amusingly too. Chapter 10 – The story flashes back to Jinger getting the envelope and her getting a necklace in it. Interesting way to do it, but takes a while to know it has occurred. I am assuming there may be a reason for this as I assume Felix must have seen the necklace on her neck. I like how each chapter ends with something to entice the young reader to keep reading. I certainly need to cultivate that a bit more in my writing. Chapter 11 – No comments here. Chapter 12 – So Jinger has a photographic memory too. I am getting into the style of the writing now. The way it’s written adds a lot of flavor to the story. It is obviously intentional and pretty clever. Stopping for now. I’ll read a bit more later. I'm finding very little to suggest as the story is written so well. Great job.

A wonderful and beautifully written, occasionally heartrending story, full of quirk and charm and whimsy, and laced with hidden depths, Jinger Barley is an Alt-Potter for those teenagers of all ages who know that life comes in more than fifty shades of grey. Or, to put it another way, this book effing rocks.

A wonderful and beautifully written, occasionally heartrending story, full of quirk and charm and whimsy, and laced with hidden depths, Jinger Barley is an Alt-Potter for those teenagers of all ages who know that life comes in more than fifty shades of grey. Or, to put it another way, this book effing rocks.

I've finally managed to read a bit more of this and I am enjoying it more and more! The transition from chapter 7 to 8 is fantastic, as is chapter 8 itself. I very much enjoy how you continue to give every character their little irks and quirks. Your writing and way of describing these things is unusual and intriguing. I wanted to read on a little further before I put this on my shelf but now it's going up there.

YARG review. There’s not much I can really say here that hasn’t been said, I’ve found nothing negative about it – your style of writing is very easy to follow and engaging. The story itself is very interesting. I read the first 3 chapters, and then skipped a few to read how your style played out. Some of your later chapters are very short – but I like it, it keeps the reader turning the pages (Just one more chapter before I put off the light – next thing you know you’re finished and the sun is coming up). I smiled when I read that young children will be learning astronomy at school – I would’ve loved to have had that at a younger age! All in all, a great read. I’ve added you to my WL, when I get a chance to read further I’ll more than likely back you as well. Highly starred!!! Best of luck, Dekkle.

Lucy, I have to say what I've read so far of your book wasn't just a pleasant surprise but a pure delight to read as well. The prologue captured me straight away, the image of the old man on the bridge feeling that death could 'contact him through the proper channels' raised a smile but also a vivid picture in my head that's stayed with me still as I write. There's an ease to your writing, and a humour, that is really engaging and as a huge fan of Terry Pratchett, I would echo that your whimsical style does match well with his and it is a great book for the YA market. I admit to leaping through a few random chapters later on, as I wanted to get a good overall, albeit brief, picture of the book and it was consistently good from what I could see. There were only couple of points I would make which I feel could help improve an already great book. The first is that I don’t think you need so many ‘Mr Culpin said’, ‘Mr Oldham said’, ‘she said’, ‘he said’, in the narrative as sometimes it is very clear already who is speaking and it sometimes interrupts the flow (I say this from being told that about my own writing in the past and noticing the difference once I changed it). The second is that, though I loved the short pitch, the long pitch didn’t give me the expectation I should have had when I started to read (hence my surprise). That being said, I love the book and have backed it and starred it highly. Dani Original Sin

The only word I could think of to start this comment is delightful. I really enjoyed not only the story, but your writing style in general. The story flows smoothly with the world you've created and the characters you've created to inhabit it. Their dialogue blends seamlessly with the rest of the narrative as well. I read up to chapter 8 before I realized how much I'd read! My only criticism is the beginning of chapter four. You build up this frenzy with Jinger trying to remove the lodged food, and then the moment is gone and you move onto something else. I think even just another paragraph or two would help to bring the reader down from the excitement and back into the story. Other than that, highly enjoyable.

CHIRG Review - Murkle Moon – Hi Lucy, Here are a few comments. Hope you find one or two useful. Chapter 1 – prologue was interesting. The wandering moon is unique. Arthur and the moon’s interaction hints at things to come well. Chapter 2 – Chapter 1: I like to comment as I read along. Chapter 1 is well written and no typos or English difficulties. Polished work. The dynamic friction between Jinger and her twin is very much a normal angst for kids. It is a good addition to help draw the reader into the story. The howl as she enters the school sounds ominous and portending. This seems to be very much like the Harry Potter books, which I enjoyed. Tabs and Felix, as characters, were added nicely and they come with unique, memorable, personalities immediately. This was great. I’m going to use the Authonomy chapter designations to keep comments clear. Chapter 3 - Paragraph beginning: “He generously leant back down…” The word “leant” is usually a past tense of “leaned”. Using it adds a flavor and it seems optional, but “leaned” would perhaps be a more current tense. (If this is all I can come up with then I’ll soon be complaining of how well you have written.) I am (sorry) American, and sometimes I find terms and spellings that are perfectly fine in England. If this is the case, please feel free to ignore my comment or any others that are of this nature. I very much like the way MS Frapp talks about the sky looking better with Arthur back. I also love the indecisiveness you’ve introduced for her. I can see so much potential for this problem to arise later when events will require choices. It also is a great tool to help children feel better about their own little failings and problems. (PS – The short chapters are excellent lengths for children, I think.) Chapter 4: It appears very Potter-esque. Are there only 4 teachers in the lower school total or are others simply not there? (Just my curiousity.) I love the hanger at the end of this chapter. Ending with Jinger’s fist pushed into Felix’s mouth is very funny while the desperate situation keeps the reader on edge. Chapter 5: You may add some humor if poor Jinger must wipe her hand on her napkin after helping Felix. Ending with a hint of mystery was nice. Who snuck out and where were they going? Hmmm. Chapter 6: Paragraph starting with: “Being back at school…” In the last sentence I suggest adding “again”. Example , “After he had seen it move (again) almost 14 years ago…”. He had seen it move in the past, but not for a long time until 14 years ago. Right? I may be just being too precise but… Paragraph starting with: “It had been part of Arthur’s job…” – 3rd sentence needs a couple of commas I think. “No one in Murkle(,) or the harbor town of Brink Stenton below(,) could tolerate that…” At least, this is where I would pause as I read that sentence. The story is going well and is quite good at teasing me with lots of hints at mysteries. I still feels very “Harry-Potter-esque” but in a clearly new way. I always try to do a complete read, so as long as you find my comments useful, I will read some more and comment again very soon. I am genuinely enjoying your story.

Well, this is a delightful tale with all kinds of fascinating elements. I've thoroughly enjoyed the first few chapters and look forward to reading on. High stars and some shelf time in the near future as soon as I reshuffle. Lilian

CHIRG review. Hi Lucy, Your chapter 1 is an interesting start. I think some time back I had intended to read your novel. I am sorry, but I do not recall if you have ever critiqued mine. I would love to swap a read (remind me if you have already commented). And, by the way, thank you for your kind welcome to CHIRG. I'll read the next few chapters and try to make some useful comments.

CHIRG review. Hi Lucy, Your chapter 1 is an interesting start. I think some time back I had intended to read your novel. I am sorry, but I do not recall if you have ever critiqued mine. I would love to swap a read (remind me if you have already commented). And, by the way, thank you for your kind welcome to CHIRG. I'll read the next few chapters and try to make some useful comments.

normally just happy to read books and not say anything but this was great. So weird and original. Really enjoyed it and I'll make sure to back you next month. 6 STARS

hi Lucy, I'm new to all this and not sure exactly how it works. I'm guessing the whole point is to get honest and constructive feedback, which will hopefully help those of us who are serious about getting published. No easy task! I like the sound of your book. The name has shades of- I automatically wanted to say Harry Potter- but it actually does predate JK. There is hints of Madelein L'engle and Terry practhett, of the magical and mysterious butting with the peculiarly English. Your blurb is a little lacking- I would have liked to know a little more about the actual narrative structure, enough to really peak my interest. Even reading on the dust jacket I like a little more basic info rather than clever hints. I have only read a few chapters thus far, so the full story has not been revealed to me. I liked your opening, however yet again there is the sense of vagueness that leaves me empty, rather than peaking my curiosity as much as I think you were aiming for. For instance, the wandering moon tells us straight off that we are dealing with magic/alternative world stuff. We know Arthur has enoucntered this before and trouble may be brewing. But the tension that might be evoked by this falls flat. Also there is the inconsitency of Arthur feeling too old and past it, which then simply comes to nothing. He isn't gong to kill himself, and never intended to. We also see that he is surrounded by a loving family- so that makes sense that he would not be looking to kill himself. So what is his emotional state- a bit old and...nothing? If however you have a man who has reached the end of his natural lifespan and did intend to kill himself, right up until the moon spoke to him, then we are intrigued. Why does the moon make him change his mind over something so fundamental? Tease us more, hint at the direness of the trouble gone before. Make us wonder who Arthur is that such an important task must fall on him, or that he feels it must. Perhaps even contrast this with a sense of his unimportance and forgettable-ness earlier on. Chpt 2 suffers slightly from the same vagueness. I understand you want to draw it out, build a sense of intrigue without spilling it all, but you have to give enough to build that curisosity and retain it. Remember how fed up everyone got with lost! We know for instance that the twins are going to different schools, but we sort of stumble across it without any real acknowledgement. Tell us more about this. You suggest -again I have to read deep to know this- that there is a divide between Murkle and Brink Stenton, but while we know Jinger is nervous there is no hint it bares any relation to Murkle or the perculiarity of the town/school. Build this up talk about the 'myseterious' or 'reclusive' Murkle and its people- stories she had heard, what little she had been told, has she ever visited before? Perhaps hint that her sister is jealous- or embarrassed. Tell us how this divide is felt in her sister, in her family, in her own mind. And hint there is a reason why she and she alone is going, you don't have to tell us what yet. Tabs and Felix lack defintion- describe them more physically, give them a more definitive introduction. They may mellow and flesh out as the book develops, but there is nothing wrong with starting from a more caricatured place. It lets us know immediately who we are dealing with. Again, perhaps highlight the differences more between the two places. What is their uniform like other than black? Do the kids all look odd? Also, despite their being a hint of muggles versus purebloods in Tabs comment 'you're from Brink stenton', you don't fully utilise this. We don't know if she is looking down on Jinger or enjoying the secret Jinger doesn't yet know. Then you vaguely move to them talking- thus it feels as though Jinger has been accepted, so there is no tension, no furthering of the alienation she was so nervous about. Felix is currently a non- entity. Make him stick in our miinds- is he cute? wierd? tubby? Also there are a couple of inconsistences. Jinger is sure her bag will make her fit in. But then you explain how she got her bag- and that suggests since her sister switched on her, she isn't sure at all? Plus I think the bag is extraneous. Its too ordinary and focuses too much on her relationship with her sister. I'm interested in Jinger and her new school, the strange murkle and the talking moon. You've already had a scene between the sisters setting up their relationship and characters, it is more than enough. Flesh it out if you wish but I'd leave the bag stuff out. second inconsistency- Arthur is worried about the moon as if no one is supposed to see it, but I'm unsure on this. It seems as though people know about it and its wanderings. I think style wise you are a good writer and clearly there is a vivid imagination at work. There is strong voice and I have no trouble believing in the age or veracity of the narrator. I am still intrigued enough by your original premise to keep reading and I hope my criticism doesn't offend. I have never done anything like this before but I am, as a fellow aspiring author, at the stage where I have had publishers reject my work based on it being 'good but not quite ready'. They are unwilling to put in the time to work with me and I have struggled to find anyone who will give me the necessary feedback. As such I have decided to put out what I need to come back. I am not casting aspersions on your writing but critiquing only your content, to help you make it as strong and interesting as possible. Good luck and I will keep reading. B.

Hi there, I think you have an interesting story here and Arthur's character is very intriguing. This isn't the type of novel I would normally read but I do enjoy your style - it's very engaging. :) Rachelle Undaunted

Chapter seven is still, in my opinion, the best thing on Authonomy. It's absolute perfection and you should be very proud of your incredible book. sincerely, Benedict

Chapter seven is still, in my opinion, the best thing on Authonomy. It's absolute perfection and you should be very proud of your incredible book. sincerely, Benedict

Wow! I loved it from the first sentence. Your writing style is easy and relaxed, allowing me to delve straight into the story without waiting. I felt your characters and all their emotions. Well done you! Claire C Riley Author of Limerence

I love your writing style. You have a great way to keep the reader interested. Your character development is outstanding and the story has a great flow to it. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Read your book and can add nothing to the compliments below. At this point, I believe all good has been said. Well-written and conceived. A thorough enjoyment.

Chapter 1: This story has the beginnings of something unique. I loved the opening line. It grabbed my attention straight away. Arthur made me laugh and I love how you've sort of written it from his point of view. The only problem I found was that I couldn't quite picture his surroundings from your description. I'm still confused as to how there is a bridge, then a river then a town. And I think you mentioned a road as well. I can't see what he is seeing where the scenery is concerned. Besides that, its fine. What is this whole thing with the Murkle Moon? What is going on? I can't wait to go onto chapter 2.

Jinger remind me of a boy in my village. He always causing trouble, even on special occasion as he did at Christmas with Jessica.

Hi Lucy, Ok I've made it as far as chapter 4 (in the book). I really like both Athur and Jinger, they're both interesting and intruiging, although I find Jinger a lot easier to relate to. Your voice and pacing is perfect, it's effortless to continue reading and the chapters seem to fly by. I haven't spotted any grammatical or spelling errors, so again perfect on that score. The only slightly (and I mean so slight) negative I would say is that occasionally the children's direct speech seems just a bit stilted. But in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing at all. So overall: a very impressive book, I shall be sticking it on my watch list and continuing to read in my spare time. High stars! Josh

Club Grimoire Review A nice, sharp, gripping chapter and certainly different. I like Arthur - he's definitely caught my interest and so has the rather bad-tempered wandering moon - I might have liked just to meet Jinger as she's actually named in the title, and I was doubtful about the 'piercing bang' - bangs always strike me as more of a blunt instrument, but otherwise I liked this and I would certainly read on.

Read up to chapter 6 in one sitting! Excellent narrative. On watchlist & will hopefully get the time to read the rest. Didn't notice any grammatical or editing errors, how do you do it? Best Wishes Pam Balsdon The King's Blessing

Club Grimoire Review You have an amazing talent for writing. Your style is easy to follow, yet detailed enough to paint a picture. The voices of first the old man and then Jinger were spot-on and made the story leap out of its pages on its own. I can tell you've worked on this a lot. I couldn't see any technical errors. You caught my attention from the first sentence and held it all the way throughout. I was a bit unsure, though, about Jinger starting the new school so quickly, before we get to know her, and since we don't know anything about this world we're introduced to (although we get some info about it in the prologue), it loses some of the wonderful atmosphere that you built up in the prologue. I'd have wanted to compare her 'normal' life with what is to come, if you understand what you mean? It's just a suggestion, though, so take it or leave it as you see fit. It's your story, after all. :) Overall, this is a great start to a magical story that I can easly imagine will go far once it's published (for I see no reason why it shouldn't be published very soon)! High stars and potential backing, if not now, then certainly later. Sabina

Well, I have just read the first two chapters and I'm looking forward to the rest. Good opening, catches the imagination and I'm already trying to picture the area where the school is located. Get the feeling that her twin is going to be a central character later. Well done. Barry.

Club Grimoire Review Read the Prologue and the Chapter 1. This is fantastic, really. Well-written, with believable characters, what more do you need? Is the guy trying to commit suicide on the bridge? Then the end is the beginning? Loved it. DJC

CHIRG Review. Hi Lucy, I am puzzled at lot by 'Murkle Moon'. Technicalities ~ brilliant, faultless writing. Whether it's syle or accidental, you have a tendancy to jump around a bit which meant, quite a few times, I had to go back and read sections again. I would get rid of the swear word in your short pitch. Although it's mild by modern standards, there are many who would refuse to permit their children to read on this alone. Ch 1 caused me problems. I'm not sure that starting a children's/YA book with tension being whether a person is going to commit suicide or not is a good idea, bearing in mind that these are the 'judgement pages'. Apart from the jumping around, I was concerned that YA would feel the language was patronising if this is your target audience. I question as to whether you actually need this ch but start the story at ch2 with Jinger going off to school. This is where the story REALLY starts. Once I got beyond ch1, I enjoyed the read. As I said, some jumping around which can be easily resolved by establishing a timeline within each ch. I have watch-listed and will dip in and out as and when I have the time. But I enjoyed the read; thank-you. Rob Lawrence.

Ok you got my attention. Will be reading more over the weekend. Add to my watch list and will move to my shelf soon I think. :D

My Grimoire comment, This has been sitting on my shelf for some time now, and I have been savoring the time I would be able to read and comment on such a wonderful start for any Y/A novel. I backed it on the advice of others and was not disappointed at the imaginative read and clear writing I found. Not a vampire in sight but then there is the hint of a wolf and perhaps the foreshadowing of something sinister is 'lurking in Murckle'? I loved the whimsy of your title, and the conversation with Arthur and his Murckle moon. I almost backed it for your wonderful title. Enjoyed the interplay between the twins who are so different and competitive and found it easy to dislike the nasty one, just as you intended. Then there is the agony of going to anew school and to fit in or at least not stand out. That was very well handled, and I want to know more for their obviously is a great deal more to this story. With 114B/S 108, w/L, 297 comments you hardly need mine to ensure the ride to the desk, but I am glad to give them. Ray. (Druids)

Hi Lucy, I have read the first few chapters and though it is not my usual genre it as a very enjoyable read. I look forward to completing the story. I have given high stars and backed the book. From John Stearn Author of Derilium

i like this story and this sentence ' Death has passed him by' made me wanted to read more. Six stars Isoje David Animals In Paradise

Not my usual genre but you write with such fluency and purpose that is it hard not to get carried away with the story. The thought of Arthur 'staring out the moon' made me chuckle too, Pete

Wow, your excellent writing style immediately draws the reader into the storyline - excellent characterisation, beautifully observed. This is the kind of writing where I curse real life for getting in the way of my reading pleasure! I would be grateful if you could glance at The Word According To Dog as and when you have a chance - I would love to hear your opinion. Best wishes, Anya The Word According To Dog

Wow, your excellent writing style immediately draws the reader into the storyline - excellent characterisation, beautifully observed. This is the kind of writing where I curse real life for getting in the way of my reading pleasure! I would be grateful if you could glance at The Word According To Dog as and when you have a chance - I would love to hear your opinion. Best wishes, Anya The Word According To Dog

Thoroughly enjoyed this, what a brilliant, imaginitve story. You have a great idea here, so good luck with it. I don't really have anything else to say, as your characters are fantastic and your writing perfect. I love young adult books for their easy escapism and this is just that. Lianne Big Girl Lost

CHIRG REVIEW Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon/Lucy Middlemass Thank you for a most imaginative story. I loved some of the names which were very descriptive and really suited the characters they portray well, example Arthur Oldman (him being a 100years old and seeing the new millenium). Then The Murkle Moon - obviously not as bright in many ways as the real one, wandering where it shouldn't. Throughout your story there is something new. I loved the dialogue between Ms Flapp and Jinger and of course you immediately leave another reason for the reader not to put the story down: "What if the Woodcutters have taken him?" I found most of the chapters I've read to be most entertaining and I must say I'm wondering what DID happen to Tabs? I loved what I read thus far and have not seen any need to make comments about grammar or layout. Your story and text are both perfect. So VERY HIGH STARS from me. All the best in the days ahead. At present I have commitments on my shelf, but I have no hesitation in saying that I'll back Murkle Moon when the time is ripe :-)) All the best! Maretha African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

I'm going to take a break at ch. 4 and come back in a little while. This book is wonderful. It is colorful, beautifully written, engaging and inventive. The characters are well defined, it's clean and isn't overdescriptive. I love it! I'm looking forward to reading more. Alley

Lucy, you have quite spoiled me for returning all the reads I'm supposed to, and ruined me for reading anything that feels like work! Jinger is so perfect, and so enjoyable, I can't seem to make myself slog through any of the books I ought to be reading today. I am sure you have heard the obvious comparison before, but I feel like I did when I bought the first Harry Potter and didn't get anything productive done for the rest of the weekend. Bravo! Now, how am I going to clear a spot on my shelf? Hmmm... Warmly, Catherine Morgan Nickel Ridge

Lucy, you have quite spoiled me for returning all the reads I'm supposed to, and ruined me for reading anything that feels like work! Jinger is so perfect, and so enjoyable, I can't seem to make myself slog through any of the books I ought to be reading today. I am sure you have heard the obvious comparison before, but I feel like I did when I bought the first Harry Potter and didn't get anything productive done for the rest of the weekend. Bravo! Now, how am I going to clear a spot on my shelf? Hmmm... Warmly, Catherine Morgan Nickel Ridge

Hey so I decided to take an hour off from doing my dissertation, and wow six hours later I just finished. I now find my self disappointed that there's no more to read, all I can say is great book very engaging. And I wish you, well I would say 'luck' but I don't think you need it, so success in taking this to where you want it! Edward.

Extremely well-crafted work! I was only going to read one chapter and wound up reading five.

Lucy, this is a beautiful piece of writing. It is so magical and atmospheric, enabling the reader to empathise easily with the characters. I confess, I haven't read it all yet but will be coming back for more and watching/backing. The words are perfect - enjoyed your word play and choices. I feel it is suited to a bright 10+ age group. Good luck x

Jinger Barley and Murkle Moon, what utterly brilliant imagination, your characters leap from the page leaving the reader engaged and wanting more. Your style of writing is superb. This is a winner for sure, the pace is perfect and timely...to be backed when I have room on my shelf. Sharing be the human sunshine Clare Bostock.

Club Grimoire Review: Perfection! Wonderfully written and instantly engaging with characters (both in the prologue and the first chapter) who leap off the pages and dance away with your time and imagination. It is written in the precisely perfect style for a young adult audience and puts my in mind of Terry Prachett's work for the YA market (which is a very good thing). I did not notice one single thing to nitpick over and whether that is due to the fact there is none or that I was so swept away it doesn't matter because the book is doing its job. I have high hopes of being able to proudly tell people that I read this before it was published. High stars indeed! Meagan

Club Grimoire Review: Perfection! Wonderfully written and instantly engaging with characters (both in the prologue and the first chapter) who leap off the pages and dance away with your time and imagination. It is written in the precisely perfect style for a young adult audience and puts my in mind of Terry Prachett's work for the YA market (which is a very good thing). I did not notice one single thing to nitpick over and whether that is due to the fact there is none or that I was so swept away it doesn't matter because the book is doing its job. I have high hopes of being able to proudly tell people that I read this before it was published. High stars indeed! Meagan

Love your pitch, adding to WL! Looking forward to getting a moment to read it (as if moments could be found just laying around.). Best wishes, Catherine Morgan Nickel Ridge

Club Grimoire Review of "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon" by Lucy Middlemass My first and lingering impression is that your world is so solid, and strange, inviting yet mysterious. The idea of many moons is fascinating, and I'm very curious to know the different impacts they have on their locations and what are their significance. The Murkle Moon especially needing a guardian-type figure made me wonder who Arthur is exactly. Did the Moon keep him alive until a new watcher came of age? I'm dying to find out what happened to him, or what his significance is in the story. You've revealed just enough of the plot to keep it intriguing. You also have a great talent for atmosphere. I was able to feel and relate to everything Jinger was feeling, even down to her angst about her bag. I hope it wouldn't be insulting to say this reminds me of Tim Burton in a way: atmospheric, imaginative, and a bit on the dark side. The lyrical title (which I love) conveys that for me, and this was exactly what I expected, and more. Very much deserving of One To Watch. Congratulations again! You have a great work on your hands, and I'm sorry I didn't have any advice or actual critiques to offer--the prose is airtight and the grammar flawless, and the storytelling is brilliant. ~ Shelley

Club Gilmoire Review Interesting idea of someone actually talking to a doppelganger moon, in a sense. In chap 1, you get across very well Jinger’s insecurity caused from her sister’s behavior, which explains why she interacts with the Murkle students the way she does. The characters are interesting, and you get the sense of many mysteries to come. One technical issue: “Anyone might have guessed”- kinda begs you to say “I wouldn’t.” Maybe better to specify who the anyone is or say “Many might”.

CH10 Hey Lucy, In this chapter Jinger learns from Tabs that the other students have joined some sort of ‘pack’. Jinger grows suspicious but continues on to her class where Felix is shocked/angered to discover something on her neck. Some thoughts… “It was emptier in fact, than jinger would have expected it to be…” misplaced comma? Not 100% sure but sounded off to me. Try to tighten sentences as much as possible. Instead of saying “she had been snooping around other girls’ areas’ try ‘She had been snooping’. We already know what she was doing, so reiterating that only feels repetitious. In the previous chapter there’s another example: ‘she checked the remaining beds to see whose it was. Pippa, Tabitha and Suki’s names were etched into the headboards the tall blonde girl Sasha’s bed was gone.” Instead, why not simply go with “She checked the nearby headboards and deduced that the missing bed was Sasha’s, the tall blonde girl.” “Very casual breakfasts and now this?” maybe casual isn’t the right word to use. I really like the idea of Jinger being resentful because Jessica was the millennium baby rather than her. It’s universal to be compared to siblings who have advantages in areas we have no control over. In those younger years it makes an enormous impact to our ego. Very nice! All in all I felt like the flow of the chapter was good. I think it would be nice to add some drama here and there to dangle the carrot in front of the reader, but I always think there’s room for more haha. Here’s a cool link, I found these quotes pretty helpful. http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/writing-advice-from-famous-authors mike

Club Grimoire: I have nothing to add, because I believe it is perfect. In one chapter, I can say that it's clever, funny, and very well-written. I love this book, and want to see it on my real bookshelf.

Club Grimoire: I have nothing to add, because I believe it is perfect. In one chapter, I can say that it's clever, funny, and very well-written. I love this book, and want to see it on my real bookshelf.

CHRG Lucy, have read the whole book. Charming well written and engrossing. your description and dialogue are great at capturing moments. The action is page turning! i'll never look at the moon in the same way again! thank you :) diane

A Club Grimorie Fantasy Review JINGER BARLEY AND THE MURKLE MOON What a delightful beginning to your story. I am very inclined to read it all. I love the creation of the Murkle Moon and it's clear to see you are a natural storyteller. This is fun with a promise of more to come that will amuse the fancy of those like myself who love a good story. To me, that is everything. Grammar and editing can be done by those who are proficient in that exercise. I have always felt that is why the gods made editors. There is just one thing I would point out that you may have overlooked. I am not certain about this and it may just be your style. You mention the name of your main character quite often. Perhaps more often that is needed for the reader to know who you are talking about. If you begin a paragraph, which is short to begin with, using the name of Arthur in the first sentence, then all of what you say after in that paragraph comes from him. I don't think you need to repeat his name several times to prop that up. Just me, of course. But it rather slowed me down a bit. I love this story and wish you all success. I have given you six stars and put you on my watchlist to read the rest. Again my thanks to you for reviewing A King in Time. Mary Enck

CHIRG This is a really good book for 12 yrs upwards, full of mysteries and flashbacks . Hidden bad guys intent on murder, a real thriller.. Beautifully written. The characters are strong and vividly described. Jinger's a likeable person'. There so much going on that rereading is probably needed to see all the intricacies. Ch 3 loved the sulking moon... Ch8 murder? the end made a tissue necessary. Ch25 the plot is frightening and more so with each chapter Ch 35 nail biting...got to finish this.. A twisted, hopeful but dark ending... Definitely for twelve years upwards. Cas The Wind Maker

Club Grimoire Review- I actually saw your book on a thread in the forum besides for Club Grimoire. It is fantastic! I love your pacing, your introduction to Arthur too. I read all the way to Chapter 2. I am guessing the Murkle Moon getting lost has something to do with Jinger. It should be interesting to find out how you are going to bring the first chapter into the rest of the story. Jessica seems like a really horrible person. Her relationship with Jinger is very cruddy. You can feel how ugly and sad and unwelcome Jinger feels. I hope this changes. I hope she grows as a character, and the relationship with her sister gets better too. There is one thing that caught me off guard was at the beginning of Chapter 2 it is morning and you even mention a conversation about morning yet towards the end you mention the famous Murkle Moon glowing and awolf howl at night. Maybe I need to carefully reread again to figure out how it got to being nightime..if itwas daytime. Maybe the busride was really, really long. Nevermind I just reread it and missed the part about them going to school late at night.... This is very good. One of my faves. -Elora

Good writing. The story is interesting. The idea of a wondering moon? Very different. One concern, that a 100 year old had young great-grandchildren, seems as if there would be more greats than just one figuring a generation is about every twenty five years. I was very glad that Arthur didn't go up there to jump. Abby

Hi I think I just made it an even 100 watch lists your book is now on. Came here after seeing you mentioned in the forum. So glad I did! I am going to enjoy this one, I can tell already. Good luck and may Jinger cling higher in the rankings. What a thrill for you! Best, Kirrily (Into The Bliss: Having & Holding Ellanor)

Lucy, I have now read a few chapters, and may I say that I love the detail you put into your story....I felt like I was there! I shall not go into any close critique because if you decide to publish, the editor will always tear things up and put it back together anyway......as they do. I was simply drawn into your "Murkle Moon" realm Lucy, and found myself compelled to read more. Keep it up! Phil (Arabella)

Club Grimoire Critique I immediately decided that I was going to like this story as soon as I read the pitch. Although I've got a couple of tiny issues with the prologue (some of which are probably my problem, rather than anything to do with the story), by the time I got to the end of chapter one I liked this story even more. First, though, the prologue. I'm not sure that the sentence "He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age." actually makes sense, logically speaking: it's not only reasonable but actually essential for everyone to live at least as long as their current age, whatever age that might happen to be. Is "Christmassed" really a word? I kind of inwardly cringed at that. I don't think it's a word that would be in the vocabulary of the 100 year old Arthur. I liked the line: "Death could find him through the proper channels another time." I like the placenames, too (Murkle, Brink Stenton). Strange enough to be memorable but at the same time they could very well be real places. I have to admit I was a bit lost during the second half of the prologue, and the logical part of my brain was wrestling with the mechanics of how a moon could wander, and how it could talk, but that was probably just me thinking too hard, when I should have simply taken the story at face value and got on with enjoying it. I am sure that the moonbeam landing on the red-roofed house in Brink Stenton at the same time as Jinger and Jessica is born is going to be significant event. I was more comfortable with chapter one. You've caught Jinger's anxiety of starting at a new school exactly. I'm hoping that nasty twin sister Jessica gets taken down a peg, and when she is, I will be applauding along with the rest of your readers. The chapter does an excellent job of introducing us to the central characters (Jinger, Tabs and Felix) and sets up the fact that this is going to be anything but a normal school story. Good hook into the next chapter two: no one will resist wanting to turn the page. Good luck with Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. best wishes and good writing, John.

Lucy, I enjoyed this a lot, you write well and convincingly. Here are just a few thoughts I had as I read, a few places where I stumbled a little. Why wouldn’t the moon that shone over Murkle up the hill, be also visible to the people in the town lower down? Perhaps this is explained later. I like the idea of the moon talking, though since it doesn’t take any notice of Arthur, what use is watching over it? It seems to be doing much as it pleases. Jessica is horrible, really unpleasant. I was surprised Jinger didn’t at least say something. A characteristic of her more gentle nature? In the paragraph beginning: ‘Although Jinger was the older one’ it isn’t clear which twin the ‘she’ refers to. I’m confused about the different places. Jinger comes from Brink Stenton at the bottom of the mountain. She gets the school bus up the mountain to Murkle. So where’s Lower Murkle? And if the other school children have a Murkle accent because they live there, what are they doing on the same bus as Jinger? Sorry if this sounds silly, but I get a very visual picture of scenes in books and I’m perplexed by this one. You end the chapter with a good hook. This has the promise of a very good story. The characters are well drawn and believable, and you highlight the most important ones, leaving for example Jinger’s father and step-mother rather shadowy. I enjoyed the introduction with the old man and the talking moon, the hint of supernatural shenanigans to come. There was just enough backstory in the first chapter to illustrate Jessica’s unpleasantness, though Jinger’s inertia was rather surprising. I didn’t get much of her character except as a foil to Jessica. She is described much more in negative characteristics than positive ones. Strangely enough, this spotlighting of individuals and particular aspects of a scene has the same effect (for me anyway) as the beam of moonlight hitting Arthur’s roof. It adds to the nocturnal feeling of the story, and its mystery. Very well done. J

Club Grimoire Review: Prologue: “Arthur was finding it difficult to die.” This is a wonderful first line. I like the touch of dark humor throughout the prologue: Arthur’s weary exasperation with everything, and people’s determination to face the Millennium or the end of the world in groups. Some nitpicking: “He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age.” This sentence struck me as a little odd. “He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable” makes sense, but when you add the “for a man of his age” it becomes a bit confusing. Kind of like if you had said: “Arthur is a hundred years old and he believes he has lived longer than is reasonable” makes sense, but not “Arthur is a hundred years old and he believes he has lived longer than is reasonable for someone who is a hundred years old.” Chapter One: Jinger definitely has my sympathy. I do wonder how she will cope at her new school and whether she will be able to fit in there. You do a great job of making Murkle into a mysterious place that I want to find out more about. Some nitpicking: Something seems missing here: Jinger is standing in front of the mirror, trying to get ready for school. Jessica is lying on her bed, from where she can reach the bookshelf and is flicking through books. And then Jessica is standing right beside Jinger, comparing their faces in the mirror. Maybe consider having something in between—Jessica getting up, crossing the room, etc. When Felix first appears, he’s smiling when he starts talking and he finishes with a grin. It seems a bit redundant, at least to me, to point out this fact twice. Other than that, I think this is excellent.

Club Grimoire Critique. Superbly funny with the fascinating concept of a wandering moon, I knew I was in for a treat when I started reading this one, well done! Jinger is very relatable and a great MC, while Jessica is so far wonderfully loathsome and brilliant contrast. Good pace and style, no nitpicks, I'm very much looking forward to finding out where this story is going--highly starred! KT

CLUB GRIMOIRE. Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. I have read this wonderful YA story some time ago but I think its changed a little bit at the beginning since then. The prologue begins with the eve of the Millennium. Its Arthur's 100th birthday and Murkle Moon had started to wander again - and he was the only one to stop it! A great beginning and a great page turner. Chapter one;The story takes off with Jinger, Felix and Tabs all going to school. Great writing. Good descriptions and the dialogue brings the characters to life. This is a very imaginative story and one I'm sure my Grand-daughter would love to read. One question - I think I asked it before. Are Jinger, Felix and Tabs, cats? Lots of stars for a great book. junetee FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Review: I have nothing to critique. The writing is smooth and the voice well done. In a short prologue and first chapter you have already given us some great characters and a bit of a mystery. Well done!

This is great - I've read the first six chapters and I love it so far!

I've started reading your book and so far it's very well written and quite an interesting story! I'm going to keep reading and write more later!

Ah, very clever. The end is not the end. Your readers who read only a few chapters do not know what they are missing. And of course I will not tell them. Lucy, you deftly employ the "cliffhanger" ending with nearly every chapter. Including the last one. I presume you are already working on the sequel? Surely you will eventually reveal even more of the mystery of the Murkle moon! Jim

I love the use of your words so far Lucy --"The moons diamond voice" Brilliant Reading on........... Phil (Arabella)

Lucy; An excellent story line, remarkable characters, interesting development and smoothly transitions from one chapter to the next blending sotrylines and characters together. Great cliff hangers at the ends of you chapters leading to the next smoothly. An well penned manuscript with fine editing. No erros or suggestions just lots of kudos and stars. Lena

Sorry it has taken me too long to get here. I only read your opening, but I did like e way you defeated expectation. I was fully expecting the old man to make a suicide attempt, but loved the way he saw the extra-ordinary moon and then just goes to bed! I saw no errors in this. It is an intreguing start to a novel. All the best Lindsay A Priest's Tale

Club Grimoire review I'd forgotten how good this is. I got a bit carried away and got to chapter 6 before I realised. I dont really have any criticisms of the prologue and first chapter. The Murkle moon idea is very original, Arthur's account is great and Jinger and her nasty twin work well. Jinger is very sympathetic, we've all felt like her as girls! It's definitely female Harry Potterish (that's meant as a compliment). I'm going to read some more after my holiday!

Lucy, I'm hooked! I've read the prologue and first three chapters, and want to keep reading, but have to move on for now. I'm definitely coming back for more, though. I love your characters. They're all unique. The premiss is wonderful, and the pacing perfect. You catch the reader's attention on the first line and never let go. You end each chapter perfectly, making it impossible for the reader to stop reading. You've obviously spent a lot of time editing your MS, because I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes. Of course, you kept me so enthralled that I had a hard time remembering to look for mistakes of any kind. 6 stars and I'm making room for you on my bookshelf. Lynn Surviving Sunset

P.S. 6 stars from me!!

Hi Lucy, Really enjoyed this opening chaper. Not my usual type of reading but the quality of the writing kept pulled me in and kept me there! The pace, style, flow of your writing is second to none. You have really mastered your craft. I cannot fault the first chapter and will be back to read more. I think once this gets to the ED you will be sky rocketed to the real world of book shops and school yards. In the mean time good luck with your journey. You've given me some real inspiration to do some proper editing on my book! :-) Take a look if you get a chance (Broken Up, Breaking Down.) Eddie

CH 9 Lucy, I took a small break but I’m back to continue with my commenting! I see we’re back with Jinger, in this chapter she notices everyone is acting suspiciously sluggish during breakfast. Dr. Skinner (I imagined Principal Skinner from the Simpsons – is that intentional?) hands her a timetable and finally the chapter ends with her receiving a mysterious piece of mail. I’ll repeat a comment I made in about an earlier chapter and say that I think it would benefit the book tremendously if you read it out loud to clean up the flow of sentences. It’s difficult to describe where the flaws are exactly, but overall your MS is a bit of an awkward read. I really don’t think it’s a big deal to fix though, just a simple edit with that in mind would clear it up in short time. Couple small things: “to complete the look, she was wearing what looked like…” word repetition. “taking the timetable by its cooler corners…” sounds odd to me. Also, if Dr. Skinner was just eating breakfast, why did he have her timetable in his pocket at all? Did he have everyone else’s in there as well? Why didn’t Jinger just ask why everyone was acting so strange or why Felix chokes on his food so often? I’m interested to see what’s in that piece of mail. I’m thinking it’s news about her mother being killed in that car accident, although I’m dreading her reaction (which is good) because I feel for her. She’s already having a difficult time at the school. Good chapter! A little slow moving but still a fun read! Be back soon!

Hi Lucy, I really like your opening and I like the suspense at the end of Chapter One, encouraging the reader to read on. I think you pitch your writing perfectly for the genre and although the first chapter has some incredibly sad moments, there is a feeling of promise and hope that things might change for Jinger. I think the contrast between the two feelings engages the reader. As you create such a sombre tone with Jinger almost being bullied by her twin, the desire to see something better for Jinger is gripping. I noticed one small issue - "Ready for freaky school, sis?" I think sis should be capitalised here, as it is being used as a name. I am going to continue reading but I think you have something here and it is no wonder that you are so high up the rankings. I look forward to returning for more, highly starred for now. Thank you for the return read, your comments are very useful and I'm pleased that you liked Beneath The Blossom Tree. Best wishes, Laura

Hi, Lucy, I've just backed your book. Will you have a look at mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith? If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John.

Quite an imaginative and fantastic read, where the truth is unpeeled like an onion, a chapter at a time - sparring twins, eclectic boarding school, a moon that wanders, children turning into wolves, etc. Just the thing for a young adult to read and capture their interest. There were several subplots (May and Arthur's secret, Jinger and Jessica's twin thing, Felix's concern about being a wolf, etc.) that it kept the story rolling. I liked Jinger's character and cringed whenever Jessica spoke, it was always sarcastic or cutting. The scene with Felix eating the meat and Jinger trying to save him was memorable, and afterwards when he ate it. Yikes! This would make a lovely movie, up there with Harry Potter, if I may say so! Six stars is not enough! Backing it also. Good luck with your writing!

Club Grimoire Review - Chapter 1 Prologue - Intriguing idea of the moon as a character. There are lots of unknowns left to the reader to find out after finishing the prologue, and for this reason I think it does really well - Is the Murkle Moon real? Why is it wandering and what will it do to concern the old man? And how can the old man stop a moon anyhow? Chapter 1 - there are nice touches of light comedy in places. I wanted to find out why Jinger was starting at a new school. Perhaps she's clever or gifted. The chapter works well to evoke sympathy for the MC. Reminds me of Harry Potter and Dudley. In fact the story so far does, with the new manor school and everything. Jinger is supressed by her cruel brat of a sister whic picks on her. We see how this affects her behaviour in the matter of the backpack playing on her mind. I instantly like Jinger, for she seems quiet and good-hearted. She also seems like a real teeanger with a real teenage outlook. Ha ha. The unusual astronomy teacher. I had one too. Maybe they're all the same! I like the end of the chapter. It mentions the moon again, and I was left wanting to know why Tabs answered as she did. Altogether I really liked this opening part of the book. I like the story so far, I like the characters. The straightforward use of words is its strength, as is the natural and logical flow of observation. This elevates it above other books here in my opinion. Just one concern - the 2nd sentence in the prologue doesn't make logical sense to me. How can someone live longer than someone their age? Looking forward to reading more Arnbjorn

Lucy, This is a fantastic universe you have created peopled with quirky and interesting characters with richly developed backstories. One could always make the natural allusions to Rowling but I am more inclined towards Tolkien - not for the epic nature of his stories but for the characters and completeness of worlds. During daylight hours I mess around in the film industry and, for some reason, I see this as a really interesting animated film. Anyway, I hope you make the desk with this - it has my backing! best, Q

Grimoire Club: Hey, I was finally able to open chapter 1. I still get that over all vibe between the sisters. You do a great job at liking one and so unliking the other. It reads pretty much the same from the last time i read it. Don't know if you made changes, maybe a simple tweak here and there. You do a great job at getting behind Jinger's personality. The pov there was strong. I said this before, I'm a fan of this story. --I was told that when a sentence can be swtiched around, a comma is needed. Dont' know since things change and so do writing rules. But this snetence made me pause: "behind her own in the mirror, she could work out." Since I cut the sentence down right now it does not appear a comma is needed but go back with a hawks eye and reread that entire sentence. --I love the opening par after the scene indicator. 10 o'clock at night for the first meal--that;s so bizarre that I love it! --this snagged for me: metal glasses frame. Too wordy and chompy. Maybe: hitting her cheekbone on the frame of his spectacles. I know you're tring not to be wordy but right now its a sticky sentence. Is the word metal so important? --"Felix shook his head looking unhappy for the first time---> who is saying or observing this? the pov is Jinger, and yes, it can switch, but right now, I'm confused with this here line who to stand behind. -- Consider: A bolt of nervousness shot through her....Avoid using the words like or felt whenever possible. Well, that's my worthless findings and again, its all up to you. Have you started querying yet? I think this story will do well and most definately be picked up. nancy Backward Glances

General Note: This is how I review. I start at the beginning and read until I lose the will to live or real life intervenes. I review as a reader, not an editor or a proof-reader. If I find myself annoyed by typos, bad spelling, or shitty grammar, it's safe to assume you have way too many of one or all of the above. Otherwise my comments will relate to your story and your ability to keep me interested. Waiver: If you think my comments suck, ignore them. I'm only one reader and you need to have faith in yourself. --------------------------- Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon - A title that could go either way. I have no idea what Murkle means. Short Pitch - V good. Suggests I won't be spitting at a cloyingly sweet kids book. Long Pitch - I don't like the opening question. Dump it or rephrase it. "Jinger Barley was the last child born to the last millennium ..." kinda thing. The rest is pretty much golden. The Book - I read three chapters before I had to go pretend to work. I don't have a lot to say. This is really good. I've seen someone on the forum claim that some other book could be the Next Harry Potter. I looked at it. It couldn't. If you maintain your quality and story, your book isn't a million miles away from at least being legitimately compared to JK's phenom. It might help if you have six sequels in you and a role for Evanna Lynch. I'm not sure this is necessarily a reader comment - it's prolly the writer in me, but the only suggestions I can offer you are that you: a) get this out to beta readers and listen carefully to their responses b) complete a really anal line by line revision looking for any issues with repetition or long-windedness - this deserves to be as perfect as you can make it c) read the whole damn thing out loud and edit for rhythm d) start learning how to query And if you're already on top of those, then more power to you. Good luck Evie

Grimoire Club: Hi, Lucy, I have always been a fan of Merkle moon and shelved it too. I re read the prologue and I still get that sad vibe and mysterious aura. I'm a fan of that ending para. I admit to never reading your pitches before. I try not to so I can be surprised in the story. its great! I tried to open chapter 2(really chapter1) because I remember the girls, but for some reason could not. I could not open any other chapter either. I know there were some hiccups and wanted to see how you ironed those out. Are you editing? I will try later on today but wanted to let you know. XOXO Nancy

Love the way you write Lucy, very even in tone. Rated you as outstanding for obvious reasons! Could you give my book a peruse when you have the time, I need an expert eye. Phillip.D.Curwood (Arabella)

Lucy, Arthur really gets me. And Jinger is great fun. On my watchilst for now whilst I finish reading. All the best Keith Pepermint

CG review Hi Lucy, First off, I'll start with an overall impression: - delightfully easy flow, fun-to-read, and lots of hooks to lead us on and into the tale. I love the title - Jinger Barley is almost edible, and the Murkle Moon makes us want to smile. (I remember reading something, somewhere, recently about the use of the 'k' sound in comedy - apparently it triggers an automatic humour response in english-speakers!) Prologue: There's a reflective, almost sad tone here that matches well to the character of the old man Arthur, quietly 'celebrating' his 100th birthday alone. Until I read that, the first para with the statement that he was 'unreasonably' long-lived didn't make sense, but then it fell into place. His birthday being on the eve of the millenium is, I'm guessing from the pitch, is pretty important, and will tie him in to Jinger, later I thought that including his reflections on time spent over the seasonal holidays with his family was a perfect touch to allow us to connect with Arthur as a regular man, contrasting well with his 'other' role as the one who can control the Murkle Moon. What exactly is the Murkle Moon and why does it need to be controlled? Very intriguing! Some of the desriptive language was excellent - I particularly liked Arthur being familiar with 'the curve of the Murkle Moon's backside'. Funny and eloquent. One moment of confusion: when Arthur first notices the Murkle Moon, he looks back at the sky (I think) but then leans over the railing of the bridge when addressing the MM. It left me thinking he was adressing its reflection in the water, but unsure of it. Chp 1 The relationship between Jinger and Jessica - nearly fourteen-year olds - was well drawn, giving us a great deal of development ofJinger's character. My only downside on this is that it felt a little too much like HP and his cousin, Dudley (?) The HP feeling continues to be pretty strong throughout the rest of the chapter. I'm not making a judgment on this, since I'd have to read much further on in the book to really know if that initial impression is really valid, or if we are taken somewhere else altogether in this tale. Also - even if the similarities are there, your writing style and good story telling will probably carry it off. The scene on the bus - Jinger avoiding going upstairs rang such a bell for me. Although I never rode a bus to school in the UK before we left, I've ridden on a few there since then, and to this day if the top deck is full of school kids, I avoid it out of sheer terror! Jinger's shyness, her self-doubts, and her fear of embarassing herself were all very endearing. I think most girls of this age (and older) will find her very relatable. The interplay between Tabs, Felix and Ginger is entertaining, and supplies us with more hints of mystery, leaving us wondering about this new school, what goes on there, and what is to come for Jinger. The closing line and Tabs' hesitance struck the perfect chord. I found this to be a great read so far. I enjoyed your writing style, your characters so far, and look forward to seeing where this goes.

Hey Lucy, I’m here for my side of our read swap. Sorry it took a bit longer than I thought! Anyway, I’ll dive into your writing. Prologue I like your dark opening. It’s almost kind of sad, with this old man who has had death pass him by. It’s a good hook to learn why this man has lived to be this old, how did he manage to see and do everything, and now nothing can make him smile. Questions build. “And so he had walked up to the bridge to see in another New Year alone.” – this sentence bothered me a bit. I had to re-read it a few times, but that could just be me. I really like the way you show this older man, by a quick flashback at Christmas with his great-grandchildren and forgetting their names. He was doing it for their benefit. “That was not the moon. That was the Murkle Moon.” – I’d change the second “that” to “it” to sound less repetitive. It still gives the same emphasis, just without repeating the same word. Very interesting ending to your prologue. It definitely piques curiosity for what will happen in the future with The Murkle Moon. If someone else can control it, then what will happen to the old man? Who is in control of it? Will Arthur find them? Great way to open your story! Chapter 1 I’m assuming Jinger is the person who can control The Murkle Moon? Also, I like the name Jinger. Very cute, likeable name. “In Jinger’s own room…” sounds odd. I don’t think you need the word “own” or say “in her own room…” Again, it could just be me, but I think you can make it sound better. “if she looked at Jessica’s reflection behind her own mirror…” Again I don’t think you need the word “own” “And her long[,] not-quite brown hair…” I’d insert a comma here. “happened at random[,] and was not something she could properly influence without a brush.” Another comma. Sorry, I’m a bit of a stickler with commas. Anytime I read something and feel as if I’m running out of breath as I go through it, I know a comma should be inserted. Oh, there’s a Murkle Manner School. I like that. It makes the reader even more curious, with the Murkle Moon and all. “For the first time[,] it occurred to her that everyone…” “Jinger also noticed that the younger girls were all wearing satchels…” I’d change it to “Jinger also noticed that the younger girls wore satchels…” “She fiddlged with the strap of her brand new backpack, feeling confident..” I’d take out the word feeling. It shows it if you just say “confident that…” Jessica is quite a character. A bit stuck up, and egotistic. Even a bit mean. It adds lots of tension between her and Jinger. But her dad seems a bit ignorant to the one-sided bickering between the twins. Jessica is an instigator, but whether it’s because she’s jealous or self-absorbed, I can’t tell. “…than to be squeezed in upstairs with a lot of older, cooler young people.” – don’t need the word “in” I really enjoyed the way you ended things in the first chapter. I get the feeling that Felix and Jinger are going to gain some feelings for each other, and that there is definitely more to the school than everyone else thinks. Especially when Tabs is at a loss for words when talking about their teacher, and the howling. I like the way you write. It flows well, and keeps wanting me to read further. I really liked what I’ve read so far. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on Spark. Highly starred. Christine Rees Spark

Fantastic read. I really like the plot and found myself intregued to read further. Great characters and setting. Definitely adding to my bookshelf. Serena http://www.authonomy.com/books/45892/the-divide/

Club Grimoire Review – Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon Lucy Middlemass The title is complicated, but memorable – I like it. **Prologue ** “Death had simply passed him by” – I like this. I like Arthur – meeting him at 100 years old, and yearning for death made me a bit sad – his mind is quick, he has a great sense of humour and he’s obviously intelligent – all this gleaned from the first few paragraphs. This is excellent characterization. That Murkle Moon has a bit of mischief in it. “The Moon’s diamond voice” – oh, that’s lovely. This is a delightful opening to your book. I can’t wait to read on. **Chapter One** Interesting dynamic between the siblings, especially since they are twins. Jessica does not come across as either kind or sympathetic. I don’t think I’m going to like her very much. Jinger, on the other hand, seems a bit too timid – I would very much like to see her develop into a strong heroine. Tabs and Felix seem “normal” enough – except I’m wonder what “change” Tabs was expecting in her friend. A bit more conversation between the two would be nice, to better gage their personalities and whether or not they’ll be friend or foe to Jinger. This is a well written, engaging and imaginative start to your book. The characterization is vivid, both in the prologue and the first chapter. It’s an easy read (this is a big compliment), with few technical issues. It has echoes of Harry Potter, with Jinger going off to a school that only children from Murkle attend, but I’ll forgive you for that. I might have to let this one sit on my shelf for a bit – it’s that well done. Jenny

Hi Lucy, I love the intro to your book. It is such a refreshing new angle on the human condition to show the other side of life and death with Arthur's introspection. 'death had just passed him by'. and 'nothing makes him smile'. The imagery you paint of his depth and wisdom from his hundred years is captivating. And his monologue with the 'Murkle Moon' as it wanders brings a cosmic connection to the human side that really gives a 3d feeling to the theme. This is an interesting and intelligently written story with a very fluid and deep narrative. Although I can quite imagine reading this to my daughter and it being popular with young people, I can also imagine that it will be a hit with adults as well. That is really a hard trick to writing a book which you have managed very well. kindest regards, Steve

Club Grimoire Critique, Hi Lucy I was unable to read your prolog because of a site error, so I will come back for it. Chater one has a great beginning. I can see the twins don't like each other and are totally different in character. I wonder why Jinger is in a different school? This is probably in the prolog the site won't let me open. Anyhow, given the way the twins feel about each other, it would probably be much better for Jinger to make a fresh start in a place where her sister isn't known as 'the pretty one'. I am curious about the hunting during summer recess and also about the strange classes. Would this be a school for were children? One comment so far. This is YA and I haven't seen a contraction in the narrative. It makes for a very formal read and young people aren't that formal. I will drop by later to see if I can get to the prolog. Finally! Loved the prolog and it did just wnat one is supposed to do, act as a driver for the main story and pose some interesting questions. Having already read the first chapter, I know that this is the night Jinger is born and the ray from the moon hits what I guess is her house before the fireworks go off. Arthur is the retired custodian of the Murkle Moon and the only one that could control it. I wonder if he can't die before a successor is chozen and the Moon has just done that by picking Jinger? This is compelling and I want to read on. He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age. ## This is a tad odd. What would be a reasonable life length for a man with that number of years? A shimmer bouncing off every word as it spoke. ## This is a lovely image, but words aren’t tangible. Perhaps soundwaves? “Well, happy birthday, Arthur,” Arthur yelled. ## Over Arthured. There are two in this sentence and one in the next.

Ch 8! Initially I found it odd that we’re introduced to two new characters this late in the story in this manner. Even after discovering that Douglas and Julia are Jinger and Jessica’s parents, I still struggled. But, by the end I came to appreciate it because it’s different! It’s totally unexpected and refreshing, especially by the end. I still think there’s room for improvement though. Couple things: Do we really need to learn so much about Julia given that she’s killed by the end of the chapter? Since I haven’t read past this, I can’t speak to whether her social anxiety needs to be known, or if the minor details of that day are necessary for the reader later on…But if they aren’t, then I think you could probably do away with them and focus on the things that matter – Douglas, Jinger and Jessica. Like I said, at first I was against the idea of introducing characters in the same style as you would in the first chapter, but in retrospect I kind of enjoyed the shift in perspective. By the end it all came around again, and now I’m looking forward to reading about how the other characters that I know will deal with this tragedy. Also, who was driving that Land Rover anyway? Very interesting! ‘A Shore Thing’ made me laugh. Although I foresaw something terrible happening by the end of this chapter, I was pleasantly shocked at how it went down. Very good!

Club Grimoire comment. Hi Lucy, well written story so far. I get the impression of similarities to H P story lines. Getting off a bus at night to attend a new school...intriguing. Didn't notice any errors because the story flowed for me. Interesting. Look forward to the next chapter. Pat

Back to find out more about Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. Ch 6-10. There's certainly something odd going on at the school. I like the build up to this with the missing pupils and those wolves. The hints observed by Jinger: the postman, and Tab's ref to the pack it pretty neat. Yet, everything is not as it seems. Arthur's still a favourite character. It seems he might have the answer to the wandering moon. I'm sure there's more to come from this moon that seems to be conscience, maybe? The backstory that you introduce is concise and so doesn't interrupt the flow of the story. I'm going to continue reading to find out about Felix. Debbie.

CHIRG review Murkle Moon Hi Lucy I have just finished the first 3 chapters of Murkle Moon with a quick dip into Chp 4 to check that Felix survived his 'ligged' attack. The prologue is haunting and mysterious makes you want to find out more about the old man and why the Murkle moon is there and why it talks to him. In Chp 1 the introduction to Jinger and her non-identical twin Jessica, and their tense relationship, with Jessica’s obvious loathing for her sister is well written and very intense. I loved your expression ‘The idea began to stick as hard as a tiny shell on the side of a boat’ Tabs and Felix are nicely introduced as, I assume, Jinger’s school chums in the chapters to come The wolf’s cry at the end of the chapter gives that spooky feel that this book is littered with. I loved the scene of Ms Flapp trying to name stars with Arther, ‘Song bird’s tummy’ etc for star names are great. The notion that Ms Flapp can’t choose things sets up some wonderful possibilities for the story line to come. The school dining room scene is again well written with intriguing descriptions of the teachers. As for the grammar and the editing there was nothing that jarred my eye, but I am not the best at spotting such mistakes. I write in long chapters and your book has given me more of an impetus to chop them up more, so thanks for that. So in summary, this is a well-crafted book with interesting characters that hold the imagination and lend themselves to some wonderfully descriptive scenes. This is definitely one to go far and worthy of 6 stars. D.J The Ghost Shirt

Lucy! It’s nice to see that we’re back with Arthur again for this chapter. We learn a bunch of info about how he’s getting on while back in school. ex. His thoughts on younger students, how he’s grown appreciative of Ms. Flapp’s quirks and hilariously, his fledgling computer skills. It makes me like him a great deal, I’ve always loved it when older folks give new things a try. Chapter 7 returns to Jinger and her difficulties with the new school. She notices a few wolves chasing a man around outside her window but she doesn’t seem to dwell on it much (curiously). Then, when she decides to call it quits she travels to breakfast only to discover something even stranger happening. I liked the ending to this chapter! Here’s a few thoughts I had while reading these chapters: Firstly, both chapters lacked action and I mean that almost literally. In chapter 6 Arthur writes an e-mail and thinks. Chapter 7 has Jinger look out her window and travel to breakfast. It’s true, there is a lot of information provided – but I feel those explanations are always better served while mixed with something going on. Because I like these characters, it makes it easier to stay interested, but I still think it could be improved. For example, I felt like Jinger’s apprehensions came out of nowhere. I know she’d saved her friend thanklessly from choking, but I wasn’t aware until this chapter that she wanted to leave. Maybe have her decide that during an argument with another student, or some type of conflict. I also found her reaction to seeing a man chased by three wolves kind of strange despite her friend’s explanation. Especially, (and I could be totally wrong about this) if the moon is beginning to turn people into wolves or something of the like. It would be better for her to have a strong reaction we could look back on and recall. Just some general thoughts – what works for one novel doesn’t always work for another :) Ch 6 The second Para continues the same ideas as the first. Maybe find a way to combine the two with less repetition. ‘trying to beat an order into her nervous wait.’ I’m not sure what that means. I liked that in Arthur’s long life he’s become more appreciative of people’s quirks. While I’m only 27, I completely agree with that insight. Arthur was the only one to see the Moon move in 14 years, and he was the only person to discover why. I like this info, but I think this reveal would have served nicely in the first chapter and maybe by CH 6 we could learn a little more about WHY or HOW. I’m happy to be learning more about Arthur. I like him more and more. Can’t wait to see him interacting with the moon again! CH 7 I like the opening paragraph to this chapter! “At the weekend she would ring her dad…” sounds awkward, not sure why. Good ending to the chapter, we’re left wondering what’s in the hall! More wolves or something else? Still anticipating the rest of the story! Great work!

Hi Lucy, Your description of Arthur and his age brought me in and kept me reading. His character along with the Millenium was a great start to this story, and then the Murkle moon was awfully odd - you blended the setting with the magical well. "They were swallowed up in darkness...Cars going the other way in the direction of Murkle, high on the mountain..." - here I was a little confused as there were mountains on both sides and the Murkle wasn't explained yet. "reindeer-jumpered" = that made me pause. Was it embroidered or appliqued? Jinger's introduction was strong too and I liked the freaky school clothes and her needing separation from her twin. The style is brisk and yet definitive for kids. The mystery of Murkle makes me want to read more. Shelved soon - Katherine

Fantastic start... really intriguing and original - and fantastic development too! I can see why this one is so well liked. Good luck with it! Backed all the way!

Club Grimoire Critique-- Nice clean prose and some hints of mystery in the prologue lead me to expect a fascinating story to follow. I had no big picture issues with the prologue and first chapter, so forgive me for having to resort to minor nitpicks in order to be constructive! Here are the notes I made as I read: 'He had lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age.' -- Wouldn't any person 'of his age' have lived that long? Can't it just end at '...seemed reasonable.'? '...brave determination' -- to me ''brave' in this context feels almost redundant; how about 'sheer determination'? '...he retired' needs a comma '...in at least pairs' -- Not so bad, but in my mind I kept thinking 'in the company of others' there instead. '(somewhere around the equator would be neatest)' -- this broke the flow for me and I wonder if you really need it at all? 'furthest from his own' -- I know in the old days some Brits like Tolkien only used 'furthest', so it's up to you, but it seems like these days everyone uses 'farthest' for physical distances. '...,sis' -- usually titled endearments are capitalized. '...tiny shell on the side of a boat' -- barnacle? '...with a stachel!' -- the exclam felt unnecessary here to me. '...white towelling running socks' -- may be perfectly fine, but I've never heard of towelling in this way; is it a British thing? '...at the checkout so...' -- a comma needed after 'checkout'. '...older, cooler young people' -- it seemed odd to me to first call them older and then call them young people. '...own side of the seat' needs a period 'She noticed that the other pupils...' -- Since you had been referring to the two kids, once I saw 'other pupils' I immediately thought you meant the rest of them upstairs. I'd substitute 'they' for 'the other pupils'. '...did not know what' needs a period '...get up and gather up...' -- two uses of 'up' in a row. I'd drop the second one. Tabs' -- I know that technically this is correct, but every book or blog post I've read by editors or agents or style guides says that in novel manuscripts they prefer it as Tabs's. You use the word 'stone' twice right next to each other. It may be okay, but I always make note of such things just in case it can be improved. '...probably just nothing' needs a comma.

Lucy, I've read the first four chapters and the prologue and I look forward to reading more. I love your characters. I think they are the best part about this story and it's obvious you put a lot of thought into each one of them. The thing in particular that drew me in about this story was the anthropomorphised moon. I love sentient objects, especially when they're childish or immature in some way. You did a really good job of setting up the situation with Jinger and her twin, although I'm slightly aghast that the bratty one shares my name. Oh well. I think it showed the conflict well without going overboard and making Jessica unbelievable. It's not often you see twin characters who don't get along (unless one is the antagonist for the novel). I thought chapters three and four were a little dull. Not enough to put me off, but enough to make me say "okay, let's get on with it". It wasn't an info-dump, but it felt like one. It would be nice if you could integrate these "welcome to the school" and meet-everyone chapters into scenes that advanced the plot more. The only exciting thing was someone nearly choking, but that was resolved and didn't seem to really relate to anything, other than making the head annoyed at her. Thanks for sharing your novel! Added to my bookshelf. Jessie

Hey Lucy! Thanks for your comments on Guardians Of Astonia. Very helpful! I hope you keep it up :) I found in chapter 4 (on autho) that I struggled to read fluidly. It’s entirely possible that it’s just me, but I had to re-read a few sentences to ‘get’ them. While I don’t quite know exactly why, I think I have method that could help… In university a T.A. gave me a useful tip, imagine yourself in front of your target audience and actually read your book out loud (doesn’t actually have to be loud, hah. Can be to yourself) and see how it sounds. Are the commas in the right spot? Are the breaks in the sentences in the most natural spot? Your audience is the same as mine, young adult. Generally they have a short attention span (like me) so as the sentence structure becomes more difficult to read I think the attention dips. The first paragraph suffers a bit from this, so I’ll use it as an example. As it is “Before the pupils gathered in the main hall for their first evening meal of the new term, there was time for tabs to lead Jinger up the stairs in the foyer to put their luggage in one of the third year girls’ dormitories.” It’s not terrible by any means, just could be neater. Maybe something like “Before gathering in the main hall for their first meal, Tabs lead Jinger up the stairs. Once they had their luggage put safely away in one of the girls’ dormitories, they headed back down ready to eat.” I think it reads better and is easier to understand. There are certain hours of the day when I seem to develop sudden dyslexia so feel free to disregard, haha. Nice to be introduced to the teachers, and good to hear of Ms. Flapp again. Now the two stories are connected - interesting! I love the ending ‘on her first night’. Ch 5 was much easier to read in my opinion. I think it’s helped by the smaller paragraphs too! I found it odd that Felix didn’t thank Jinger for seeming to save his life? I liked that Jinger hated being asked about her twin sister. I don’t have a twin, but I can see how something like that would become irritating to explain over the course of a life. We get to see her roommates as well, Pippa, Suki and Sasha. I enjoy the dichotomy between old Arthur and young Jinger, both having two very different experiences in the same place. I can’t wait to find out how their pieces fit together. Well done!

Hello, Lucy, here for our read swap. Sorry it's taken me longer than I said, it's been a mad few days! Well, what can I say? To be honest, I'm not a fan of prologues and usually skip them and go straight to chapter one. They are, in my opinion, not really needed. That said, your first line of your prologue intrigued me enough to read it - great opening line. You have an interesting premise here and I can see why your book has done so well on this site. Arthur is a great character to open the book with. The introduction of Jinger and Jessica in the first chapter is well constructed and sets the scene well for how the book is to develop. You've done a brilliant job with your characters, Lucy. They are very vivid and believable and the dialogue is good. Your descriptions are also well-written, without being overbearing. I reall don't know what else to say; there is certainly no advice I can offer, it's perfect as it is. Very polished; I didn't notice a single typo. Highly starred and on my shelf at the next shuffle. All the best with this, well done.

I have read the first 11 chapters w/ Prologue and would like to provide some feedback. First, your writing is delightfully engaging, witty, and clever. Love it. I found reading your book to be a genuine pleasure. So thank you. I won't shower you with adoration over your writing, because that would be too easy to do, and I'd be almost too willing. So just know that I really like your book and the way you write, but I do have a few observations on the following Chapters/Items: Chapter 7 I'm having a little trouble with Chapter 7. After reading it in its entirety, I think it is a very hard chapter, both technically and emotionally. When I first read the chapter, it was admittedly a little jarring for me. I think it's because it started off with Douglas' reminiscence about when he and Julia first met as kids. At first I was like "Who's Douglas and which girl is he referring to…" It took me a few re-reads and then to continue on the chapter to realize that we had changed POVs a bit, and were no longer at the school following the kids but now were looking at their parents. and also the fact that these are their names! I had no idea Douglas was their Dad and Julia was their mom. The only parent name at this point of the story is "Step-Mum Helen"…(or maybe i missed something?)... anyway, it starts of jarringly and then takes the reader a moment or two to realize who the characters actually are in relation to everyone else. It's not until we get down to the end that the initial reminiscence had some tragic context to it, although it feels a little "forced". And I think it has to do with the shift in POV. It seemed like we were starting with Douglas, but then it went over to Julia and never went back to Douglas. I know why you would want to keep in the story of how Douglas fell in love with the girl next door. But perhaps this could have been built up a little from the start. Maybe have the "falling in love with the girl next door" reminisce occur while he is driving Jinger to the station or something? The car, the road they are taking maybe causes him to remember the tragedy…? that way when you do get to Chapter 7, you already know to some extent their type of relationship that they have and who they are, and so when the death happens…you feel it all the more powerfully. These people are just strangers at this point, and so the tragedy doesn't' strike me as hard as it should have, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Also, the chapter feels too much in the present, and there is no temporal context to place it outside of the current timeline. It almost feels i'm reading something that is happening concurrently to the kids being in the new school when in fact it has happened a while back. Chapter 8 Jinger "almost drops her breakfast in surprise"…but it doesn't say what surprised her if anything. Just a small thing, but it had me searching through the rest of the text to see if there was something surprising. :) Chapter 10 Wonderful chapter. My favorite so far. Nice creepy ending. Chapter 11 Starting to get a handle on what's going on here. Sorta. The thematic quality of using lycranthopy to represent puberty or teenage changes is nice. Wondering what you will actually do with it. Anyway, I really like your book. It's a fantasy that doesn't quite bang you over the head with its fantastic/magical elements. Or at least not yet! :) It seems to be a lot about finding your own identity and growing up amidst some rather daunting physical and emotional changes and (perhaps) astronomical changes(??). I look forward to reading the rest.

Chapter 3 There’s at least three things in your story that I find intrinsically interesting, which is good news for you as I think most people would agree. First is Arthur, I have always loved spirited old folks in stories for some reason. The old man and the Sea is one of my favorite novels, maybe for that reason. The second is the Murkle Moon, the very idea of a moon having a personality, and particularly a gripe with Arthur is something that’s hard to ignore. Thirdly is the whole astrology angle. I’ve always had a soft spot for space and all the cool scientific mumbo jumbo that goes along with it. Put these three things together and I’m obviously very smitten by your concepts! I like the chemistry between Arthur and Mr. Flapp. I imagine her being quite a lonely person and with Arthur suddenly back in the picture it seems she’s a bit less so. All that being said, I found this chapter to be the weakest so far which is good because it’s fairly short. An edit wouldn’t take too long if you agree with my comments. :) Just as a general statement –and I’m very guilty of this as well – perhaps consider reducing the flashbacks and try to cleverly sneak the same bits into natural dialogue. I found this chapter was a bit Ms.Flapp heavy when we’ve already seemed to establish that Arthur is the central character. I also find as a rule that it’s more interesting to the reader if you supply information through dialogue. Just a thought. ‘As though he was somehow floating on the stains, patches and pulled-out threads.’ I somehow can’t figure out this imagery… Do you mean just lying on a carpet? “Knowing that Arthur’s life had taught him almost nothing about patience.’ He just counted five thousand and three stars, that’s only possible for people who had the most extreme patience. Maybe say that he only has patience for astronomical things. ‘Like flicks of caligraphy’ again, not sure what you mean. Sounds good though! ‘round the tree’ should be “ ‘round” I’m pretty sure. Already touched on this, but not certain you need to give so many examples of how Ms. Flapp has difficulty making small decisions. I like the character flaw, but not sure the para that begins with ‘but sometimes a decision’ is needed at all. One rule I’ve learned the hard way is that you must axe everything that isn’t absolutely necessary to tell the same story. It became somewhat apparent when I decided I had to cut 75,000 words from my MS just recently. It sucks. The para directly after could be reduced to something like “Ms. Flapp was most appreciative that Arthur didn’t make any attempt to resolve her issues unlike so many others in the past.” Obviously these are just my opinions! The story continues to be a pleasure to read and that’s the most important thing. Everything else is just experience, at least that’s what I keep telling myself haha. Take care! - mike

I like your book so far. I will try to comment more later.

I love your opening. It immediately draws you in with questions - such as why there were two moons (possibly more?) in this world, and why it was sentient. I'm on chapter 6 of the book, and find that I just love Jinger. She's the awkward sort of girl that many teens probably identify with - not really ugly or nerdy, but hardly popular. I'm very curious about how she's going to do through the story. I love Arthur and Dear Ms. Flap as well. The plot moves along at a generous pace - I don't feel as though things are too rushed. I've already had a pretty clear idea of how rough it has been to be in Jinger's shoes so far from your well placed moments of backstory. I'm impressed with how you've been able to intersperse the POV of varied characters and prevent it from seeming stilted. I like your descriptions - they draw attention to what's important, but don't spend a lot of time going on about it. After reading the first 6 chapters, I'd have to say that this is the sort of story I'd rummage through in a bookstore and eventually buy. I'll give another comment after reading more chapters. Six stars and watchlisted.

Great first line! I read more than I meant to and I'll find it a space on my shelf when I can.

YARG Good pitch and great story (ch1-5). I like how you've linked all these events together: Arthur's 100th birthday, Millenium Eve, the wandering moon to create a backdrop for some intesting characters. Arthur seems to be the decision maker: to live or die; naming stars and planets. I get the feeling he has god-like qualities; even having the world in his hand (the cane). Jinger is very likeable. I'm rooting for her to step out of her sister's shadow. After Arthur, I think Ms Flapp (apt name) is my favourite character (so far). I'm glad Arthur is there to support this quirky teacher. A very well written book, knitted together with humour and fabulous names. Of course there's more to this school than what is being told, so far. This is one to read more of, and will be backed once I've renewed my book shelf. Debbie

Hi Lucy, You have the best opening line to a book I've read in a long, long while. In fact, your whole Prologue is so well written, I just had to keep on reading, though I'd only dropped by to take a quick peek at Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon - what a wonderful title! I'm just pausing briefly before beginning Chapter 5 to place your book on my shelf. Best wishes, Annette

On to Chapter 1 (or 2 on autho) So with Chapter 1 finished, I’m still very much enthusiastic to know what’s going to happen next. I love that there is a ton of mystery surrounding about what’s going on with the moons and how they work. I get the impression that they are incredibly important to the locals as the word Murkle shows up all over the place ex. Lower Murkle, Murkle woods. I felt that detail went a long way towards building your world. I loved the introduction to Jinger and Jessica. That rivalry between them seemed very natural. Have you ever watched the show Modern Family? There are two young sisters that have a similar relationship. There’s the smart but anti-social one, and the pretty popular one. Reminded me of them (ps I love that show, if you haven’t watched it then I think you should :) ) I also enjoy that Jinger’s apprehensions aren’t overdone. It gives me the sense that you know the character very well, so her personality simply comes across naturally. She’s been living under the shadow of her cruel and prettier sister, makes sense she isn’t brimming with confidence. Now on to the criticisms, haha. After the first few paragraphs I started noticing that the narration felt a little flat. I love what’s happening in the story but I feel like the voice your using seems a little uninspired at times. For example, ‘Jessica didn’t care about having a conversation anyway. She only came into Jinger’s room if she wanted to ‘borrow’ something. Jinger would find out what that something was when she realized she had not seen it in a long time.’ It’s easy to read and understand, but like I said before it feels a little flat. If you agree, then maybe try to spice it up a bit. Make the language you use more interesting. Here’s a rough idea of what I mean, ‘With Jessica, there were always ulterior motives behind her actions. Although disguised as a pleasant conversation, Jinger could already see through her thin ruse. This time would be no different, she would soon ask to ‘borrow’ something, Jessica’s preferred method of thievery.’ That’s about it! Really liking the story! mike

Hi Lucy, I have enjoyed reading your first three chapters of Murkle Moon. It is so well written and I was hooked from the start, and can't wait to read more. Just a bit busy at the moment and I still want to join children's reader. Margaret

Hi Lucy, I have enjoyed reading your first three chapters of Murkle Moon. It is so well written and I was hooked from the start, and can't wait to read more. Just a bit busy at the moment and I still want to join children's reader. Margaret

Hi Lucy, I have enjoyed reading your first three chapters of Murkle Moon. It is so well written and I was hooked from the start, and can't wait to read more. Just a bit busy at the moment and I still want to join children's reader. Margaret

Lucy, this is totally delightful! I love the concept and it's very well done, with a playful tone that kids and parents alike will enjoy. High stars! Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Lucy congratulations on your continued success with "Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon". It's a real treasure of a book and I can't wait to see it in hard cover on my local book shelf. Which reminds me I'm due to get you back up on mine.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hey Lucy! Cara suggested that I give your manuscript a read so here I am! Although I only just read the prologue, it’s a start right? Firstly, like many other people have already commented, I think you have a great opening sentence! Poor old Arthur, an old man lingering, having seen, done and considered everything he thought possible in his life. What’s left for him? It’s great! My first criticism – and I’m not even certain I’m right about this – but does it make sense to say ‘He lived much longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age’? Lived too long for his age? Not sure that works. The only other suggestion is that by the end of the prologue I still wasn’t quite sure what sort of challenges the Murkle moon presents to anyone or anything. I’m sure it’s intentional but maybe consider adding a sentence of dialogue between Arthur and the moon where he hints at a specific incident. I think that would be more effective at luring me in as a reader, and I think it would do a lot to enhance their connection to each other. Besides that, very interesting premise. I love the bits of humor, for example the last name Oldham? That made me chuckle, as did the mention of the moon having a ‘curvy backside’. Although I’m not sure that was intentionally funny or not. I look forward to reading on when I have more time! Take Care mike

I like your book very much.

Awesome job! Happy to place your book on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck. Sue50

CHIRG Hey there Lucy. I've just finished reading this. I'm here for the stories more than editing kind of things (mainly because that's what I struggle with myself) First off in your prologue "Arthur was finding it difficult to die". Awesome opening line. Just pulled me in straight away, it had me wanting to know rather than needing to know which I think is by far better. I really liked the switches from one character to another. Following Arthur and then Jinger at the beginning made it very interesting. I found myself feeling sorry for Jinger, the touch of her name being carved into her bed and then her comparing it to a headstone was brilliant. I've got to say Felix choking and then eating what he had only just choked on was pretty grim to read but it worked really well. What is cool is the way you end the chapters. I think it was back in chapter 6 or 7 when it ends with Jinger nothing had prepared her from what she had seen in the Hall, then to click on the next chapter to find out I wasn't going to be founding out straight away - made me more determined to read through early on. One of my favourite lines in he entire story was when Jinger's dads asks if she fits in and she replies that she thinks no one really fits in, it's perfect. Something I've got to ask. Felix, Jessica, Jinger, Ms. Flapps, Tabs. Very cat related was this intentional? Regardless their names were very easy to remember. Felix feeling the change and then Tabs telling him he hadn't was really fun to read. Those kind of images that you gave us are often what makes the positive difference and this example certainly did. Jinger not explaining fully how her mum was really killed was very selfless. I really liked that. Overall Jinger was a great character for the story and the conversation between Arthur and Ms. Flapps at the end was very cool. Also I think I can learn a lot from you with how much descriptions and emotions you share. The other books I've read through and enjoyed so far have had characters that have been a bit "wacky" whilst yours are actually the same age as mine with new surroundings too and I'm really glad to have read this. John

My final chapter review. CHAPTER 38 Wow, so Arthur can use a computer! Not only does he have picture-perfect memory, he’s comfortable with technology as well! Can’t say that about many 114-year-olds! “grandad” – that word needs three “d”s, you only have two. “granddad” “started to offer round” – “offer around” ? “Jessica stood up and let out a small scream. ‘What the Hell is that?’ she asked, backing away towards the door they had just come in through.” – I feel the “she asked” is unnecessary. Here’s how I would phrase this: –> “Jessica stood up and let out a small scream. ‘What the Hell is that?’ She backed towards the door they had just come in through.” “Jinger tickled the fox’s ears…” – I think “Jinger” could be she because her name was mentioned just before the dialogue. “Arthur said conversationally to Douglas.” – my only real issue with your writing style (which is, on the whole, excellent) is your overuse of adverbs, especially around dialogue. This used to be a problem of mine; I’ve taken steps to deal with it. I know it’s a MAJOR problem of J.K. Rowling’s! (Read the Harry Potter books if you don’t believe me!) I don’t know why you need an adverb here, telling us the manner in which Arthur talks to Douglas. Just “Arthur said to Douglas” does the job better. Like the names of the wolves. “She nodded miserably” – again, another adverb that could be done away with. Why not “Jessica did not make impressed. Her head twitched in a miserable nod, and Jinger and her teacher…” “recently identified planet” – “recently-identified planet” ? Me and my hyphens! “the girls should not miss any more of the first lesson” – “their first lesson” ******** Final notes on the story – a complete book review will be coming soon! I’m about to go on holiday for a week and I may not have internet access where I’m going. I’m going to have a careful think about my final review, and I will only post it when I’m satisfied with it. I’ve spent so much time with this I think it deserves it. I like your ending, but it feels anticlimactic. I will say this, your story is different and unique. Personally, I’m a sucker for satisfying denouements. Consider how Tolkien’s The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings end, each with a tidy wrapping-up of all the different plot-lines. The ending to your story doesn’t have a focus – it moves between different characters, Arthur, Ms Flapp, Jinger and Jessica, and Douglas. Maybe that’s the point of your story, in that it doesn’t properly have a central character – this is one of the things that makes it unusual. There is Jessica, and her name is in the title, but I think you could just as easily say that Arthur is the MC. After all, it opens with him. By not focusing on any one character in the ending, this doesn’t feel like a close. What is your main character’s journey? Does he/she have one? I know it’s taken me several weeks to finish this, but I can’t quite work out what it is. The story just *ends.* I would like a sadder ending. A poignant ending, if you will. Now feel free to disregard my advice, but I don’t believe you’ll get a more honest opinion or a better suggestion on this site. END THE STORY WITH ARTHUR. It begins with Arthur; this will give your book a clear structure. It begins with the words “Arthur was finding it difficult to die.” How perfect would it be for it to end with Arthur dying? You could rewrite this slightly so that the injury inflicted on him by Dorothy didn’t kill him, but it left him in a fragile state, and the book ends with his granddaughters by his bedside and Arthur passing away peacefully. Not many stories end this way, and I am almost in tears as I picture the scene. I should tell you, I have a granddad who is turning 100 this year and everyone in my family will be very sad when he leaves this world (which, unfortunately, cannot be too far away.) So for me, imagining the death of Arthur is rather imagining the death of a dear relative. And so it will be for many readers. My story has a very sad ending. It ends with the death of No-Name. Death is ultimately the main theme of Tamria, and the character of Kueller personifies this – the spelling of his name should be an indication: close to the word “killer.” It is a war story, and millions of people die and an entire world is destroyed over the course of the saga. Near the end, Kueller discovers the truth of his identity - he is a mortal, not an immortal like the rest of his kind, a puppet like the Mages he has created, fashioned for the sole purpose of wreaking war – and in anger and bitterness he decides to destroy the whole world, put an end to all life, believing that a world without him would be “unfair.” Ultimately, of course, he is defeated. Meanwhile, No-Name, a “yin-yang” opposite to his creator, has already discovered that he is to die, and that he and his kind have a very limited life-span – no more than a year. However, No-Name accepts his fate peacefully, and when the time comes for his life to end he welcomes it, considering Death a blissful release to all the pain he has witnessed. The story ends with No-Name talking to another Mage, who informs him that they all have to die eventually, and No-Name gazing into the darkness, quietly contemplating: “I think that’s… nice.” Knowing how loved No-Name is, I can imagine that will have a lot of people in tears. And it is the perfect ending to the story – Tamria could not end any other way. THIS is the kind of denouement you want! One that will leave the reader with a sense of satisfaction, completeness. As it stands, although I have extremely enjoyed “Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon,” I feel cheated. That may sound harsh but you made equally valid criticisms about my story, for which I am grateful, and I feel you deserve to repaid the favour. I often feel there is too much back-clapping on this site, and we all need to be more honest with each other. I am always honest. And I hope you take my advice in the spirit in which it is meant and consider changing your ending. Give your story a satisfying climax. End with the death of Arthur. What better ending could there possibly be? James “Tamria” http://authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one/

YARG review Hi Lucy, I've read the prologue so far and have really enjoyed it. Your writing reminds me of Neil Gaiman, a kind of poetic fantastical style with a hint of humour. I couldn't find anything I would change in the prologue. I'm intrigued by the concept and will be back to read more. Sarah The Blemished

Lucy, A very gripping read so far (3 chapters). But has me hooked. Will give high stars until I can do more when I have finished reading. Well done! Keith Gilbey Peppermint

Hi Lucy, I stayed up late to take a look at your book. Late turned into much later as I could not pull myself away from your silky-smooth, gliding writing style. I'm so glad I started reading this incredibly well thought out and masterfully put together book. Not only did I love it, but it is the best lesson in writing I've recieved thus far. The entire Murkle Moon idea is brilliant and the setting could not be better. Author made me wonder what I will be thinking when I am 100. Feeling that I has seen, thought and done everything is a real possibility I would have never imagined before. Thought stirring! Your characters are so well developed and placed. They are all unique and appreciated. Your discription of Ms. Flapp's quirkiness is totally fresh. I'm a little like her myself. It is now very late. I hope to be back to read more soon. You are a remarkable writer, thinker, and talent. Thank you for sharing this best seller with all of us! Most stars possible. I will dust off my shelf to make room for you and your book. Warm wishes. Chris Whitson A sPICY HURRICANE

Weird and wonderful! I love your characters. I want them to be my friends!

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Yay I’m back to your delightful story and read three chapters this morning with my coffee! Terrific stuff I’m still really enjoying this and it’s so nice to be able to read for leisure and relax now :) Here are my specific notes on chapters 21,22 and 23. Hope I’m useful as always! Take care and have an amazing day, thank you so much for your support helping ‘Dawn’ reach the desk! Sincerely, Cara ----- Chapter 21 Not sure about second sentence ‘In the dark…’ it doesn’t make too much sense to me… I think it’s because on one hand she is guessing, yet on the other hand, it is written as if with certainty that they are spread all over the field Perhaps simply ‘Tabs asked, ignoring Jinger.’ Simpler? I think you can just say ‘She began to push through what remained’ instead of repeating the name ‘Tabs’ – we know it is Tabs because she is the one speaking and its in the same paragraph, so the focus/character has not shifted ‘came from up in the woods’ → I’d remove the ‘up’, because it has already been established that the woods are ‘up’ ‘Tabs looked exasperated’ → how? I’d show this more, e.g. the way she screwed her eyebrows up in a frown, the sigh… show to the reader what it is that makes her look exasperated to Jinger ‘As they headed towards her’… in this sentence ‘towards’ appears twice, so I’d reword/vary ‘but she blurred slightly’ not sure what you mean here Chapter 22 I’d reword first sentence; ‘Relief overwhelmed Felix as he burst into the sudden warmth of the cabin.’ I’d also remove the ‘welcoming’ or else replace sudden with welcoming, just so the sentence isn’t as cluttered – actually if you remove the sudden I think it would work well, because given that he is bursting into the cabin, it conveys a sudden-ness, right? I’d say ‘Felix warily considered his reply’ → shift position of the adverb ‘furnished’ and ‘furniture’ in the same sentence, it’s okay but maybe vary to eliminate slight feel of repetition? ‘looked around the room’ and ‘looked at him properly’ feels a little repetitive, also not the next para but para after ‘shyly looking across the room’ so I think definitely vary in the first instance I’d say ‘Felix shook uncontrollably, despite the heat of the cabin and the warmth of his school coat.’ → I’d also eliminate ‘black’ because it feels like an irrelevant detail, the focus is on him feeling cold though it is warm ‘Mr Baldwin left’ and ‘Mr Culpin slid’ I’d find a way of varying these sentences so it doesn’t feel repetitive because of the same structure with Mr + name + verb in this tense ‘Feeling comforted’ is a bit telling… maybe ‘Though man’s comforting voice soothed him, the lock made Felix squirm with unease. ‘ → although also, I’m not sure because in this para there seems to be some conflicting emotions. Felix is comforted, disturbed, AND feeling bolder. I think too may emotions, but that’s for you to decide… or maybe just change the sequence of when the emotions are presented to the reader ‘He looked at the man with confusion’ → This is quite a ‘detached’ tone. If you describe Felix’s confusion, then he looked at the man, his brows creased into a frown, it makes the reader more connected to Felix and his feelings ‘led him through a door’ ‘it led to a small connection’ → ‘led’ is repeated ‘Felix’ → the name is repeated quite a lot in coming paragraphs, maybe with some rewording you can reduce this, using ‘he’ instead, and this would also serve to make the reader feel more inside his head ‘stood between the beds’ and ‘he stood sweating’ → ‘stood’ repeated Chapter 23 ‘About an hour ago’, not sure if this is necessary, because I’d rather be immediately in the scene with Arthur. For me this creates a bit of a ‘detached’ feeling, like the narrator being intrusive As Arthur is the only one in the scene at the beginning, you can cut out some of the ‘Arthur’s and just say ‘he’ ‘got up from his chair’ perhaps simply ‘rose’ perhaps ‘The Murkle woods stretched from the mountaintop all the way down the other…’ avoids repeating ‘Murkle’ and we already know it’s Murkle mountain’. Also I just noticed, I think that mountain would need to be capitalized; Murkle Mountain, as it’s a name, right? Oh my gosh, ‘fat Moon’, LOVE your sky descriptions hehe

I really enjoyed reading about your characters' lives. They are all really likeable and I can imaging them perfectly! I will be reading more. I rate this book 6 stars.

Lucy I already love Author. He seems sweet, but can handle what life throws his way. Your writing is smooth and clear. It flows perfectly so I can concentrate on the story. I really like the title and the book cover. It is a perfect match for the story. I will read further tonight to see what Author is going to have to do in order to stop, Murkle Moon. Keep reading and writing, Sara Stinson Finger Bones

Hi Lucy, here is your CHIRG and YARG review: So far, I have read the first 5 chapters and I am really enjyoing it! To start at the beginning: I really love your pitch! It is very well written, suggestive and not revealing too much and the idea of twins being born at a significant moment in time (the millenium) personally reminds me of Rushdie - if that is intentional, it's very clever! The first two chapters have very strong opening sentences - definitely a plus for me; obviously, if a first sentence really impresses me, I am immediately partial to the rest - hats off to you for pulling that off twice in a row! :) There are a lot of hints and suggestions especially in the first chapter that make the reader want to find out more: Arthur is definitely an interesting character that I want to learn more about. Great that the chapters alternate between him and Jinger rather than to concentrate to Jinger alone; I feel that it gives more depth and variation to the story. In fact, I think the teachers are the more intriguing characters so far, Ms Flapp being the most interesting. The fact that she is unable to make choices is an unsual and original idea of the kind that I am sure many other writers wish they had thought of. I quite like the way you bring in Mr Skinner - and the small details you use to portray him. Also, personifying the Moon is brilliant - I am curious to find out where you will go with that. The one thing I wasn't so sure about was the transition from chapter 4 to 5. I like the ending of 4 - it's quite strong and creates a cliffhanger but compared to that, very little happens in the final moments of that scene in the following chapter which seems like a bit of an anti-climax to me personally. This may be personal preference though. All in all, I feel that the chapters focussing on Arthur are stronger than the ones focussing on Jinger but I will see how that develops and comment further as I read on. Highly starred so far. Anne

Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon --Chirg Review I read through the first three chapters and I really enjoyed this. Your characters are wonderful, with odd quirks that make them both unique and endearing (I especially liked--and could somewhat identify with--Ms Flapp's extreme indecisiveness). Jinger's snotty twin sister is a character kids are certain to hate, and will be rooting for Jinger right from the beginning as a result. I'm sorry I don't have time to give a more in-depth review for your book, as I've currently taken on about three more commitments than I should have, but I definitely enjoyed what I read enough to come back for more when things settle down for me. This has definitely earned a spot on my shelf. Excellent stuff!

An interesting tale! I've just read the first 3 chapters and found them really captivating - you have been laying down all the ground work for a good story with well thought out characters. I found the whole thing about the Murkle Moon a little confusing at first but it's interesting seeing it as a character in itself. The whole thing is well written with a very professional feel. Great stuff! Mike. (Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Well written and good story. Interesting concept... Will read on and provide more input. I've WListed and rated also.

Well written and good story. Interesting concept... Will read on and provide more input. I've WListed and rated also.

Hi Lucy, what a lovely book! I've only had the chance to read a few chapters but I'm captivated by your slightly weird and wacky tale, your plethora of interesting characters and your rather eccentric plot. Six stars to go with your Murkle Moon. Well done. Melanie La Vie en Rosé

Only one more chapter to go… I'm going to miss this. I've uploaded a new chapter, 'Respite', which comes just one chapter after the current ending of Book One. (Quick story-summary: in the intervening chapter Coren, No-Name and Aloria escape from the Mage Factory, are pursued by a troop of Mages who murder the children from the previous chapter, and barely manage to escape Oakvale aboard the airship. There you go, you haven't missed much!) I hope you'll take a look at that one. Alternatively, chapter 5 "The Citadel" is one of my more humorous chapters. I'm going to work now. I'll try to have a "nice" day! James “Tamria” http://www.authonomy.com/books/45021/tamria-book-two-excerpt-chapters-/read-book/ http://www.authonomy.com/books/45021/tamria-book-one/ *** CHAPTER 36 “she said eagerly” – this is a question so should it be “asked” ? Oh, and “’Go on then’” I think should have a comma. –> “’Go on, then.’” “for using a young person’s word” – I think “expression” instead of “word”. “doozy” is a word, but “It’s a doozy” is an expression. As I’ve said before, whenever you’re referring to “the eve” it should be given a capital first letter: “the Eve”. It’s an important one-off event, so it deserves that! “The Moon had left its pattern to save first Jinger’s grandmother from the circling wolves on the school field, and then Jinger when she was being born on Millennium Eve.” – I’d reposition “first” and rephrase the sentence slightly for it to flow more smoothly. –> “The Moon had left its pattern first to save Jinger’s grandmother from the circling wolves on the school field, and second to save Jinger when she was being born on Millennium Eve.” “left over mince pies” – you know what I’m gonna say! –> “left-over mince pies” “’Her sister Jessica, goes to Brink Stenton Spots and Community College.’” – why is there a comma in this sentence? It doesn’t need it. –> “’Her sister Jessica goes to Brink Stenton and Community College.’” CHAPTER 37 “Jinger never expected to need to keep secrets” – think “have” would sound better. –> “Jinger never expected to have to keep secrets” “’Tabs we’d better take you home.’” – think you need a comma. –> “’Tabs, we’d better take you home.’” “It looked as though Jinger’s dad had realised exactly the same thing.” – another “as though”; you do use these two words a lot. I’d use “as if”, it’s not as conspicuous. –> “It looked as if Jinger’s dad had realised exactly the same thing.” How can an avoidable truth settle “amongst” a group of people? Maybe it can settle *upon* them. –> “The three of them sat quietly as another, unavoidable truth began to settle upon them.” Funny chapter ending. And I *really* dislike Jessica. She’s one of those characters you love to hate.

I've just read the first chapter so far but I really enjoyed this!! Truly! I love the soft, mystical quality you've given it and how normal you make weirdness sound. I look forward to reading more and will rate highly. In fact, I think I might back it. It's lovely escapism. Good luck. Katie Ridley, 'The Last Message'. x

YARG/CHIRG Review: Lucy, I'm determined to give your book the chance (and by chance, I really mean read) it deserves. I have a cup of tea (always good for this kind of thing), I'm ready to concentrate, and hopefully provide some positive feedback. I think your long pitch threw me off a little, mainly because the first part isn't clear enough. That said, I don't think you could have a better opening sentence. I'm intrigued to know how death has passed Arthur by. I once read that the mark of a good writer is not using more words than necessary. I hate sentences which are broken up by five or six commas. Well done for keeping them short and to the point. You haven't overstated anything. I like the suggestion that cars going to Murkle, 'might be swallowed up by any number of things.' I really like how you intertwined the paragraph about Millennium Eve with Arthur's birthday. Bit of a grump is he? Interestingly enough, my Nan does muddle the names of her grandchildren. That's a nice image though. A lot of people (including myself) hate New Year's, so I'd feel right at home if I were reading this on New Year's. Excellent portrayal of Arthur gripping his cane in the wind. Not sure about use of the word 'incongruity' - even I'd struggle with that one. A talking moon is, well, new. I like it. A moon that talks. It would keep me reading. I really like Arthur's voice, especially when he's conversing with the Murkle moon. Your imagery is very sharp, your prose is fluid, and there's really nothing not to like. It has a brisk pace, gentle humour, and likeable characters. I love ' . . . a piercing bang rocked his ancient bones . . . ' Great ending to Chapter One. Lucy, this is truly excellent, time permitting I'd be happy to come back and read more. Along with Julia's Shawdow Jumper, this is probably the best YA story I've read recently. I'll rate six stars and give you a run on my shelf as soon as possible. Really enjoyed this - nothing to criticise. Ben - Franky Frog's Worldwide Travelogue

Great book very good read, loved it from the start.

FCCG We all have different things to offer in reviews. I usually point out where I stumble or got lost. It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the writing. "Jinger would find out what that something was when she realized she hadn't seen it for a long time." — This was unclear, did you mean this — Jinger wouldn't find out what that something was until she realized she hadn't seen it for a long time. (my computer autocorrects to US spelling, not trying to correct your s in realize.) I didn't get the immediate visual 'tiny shell." Barnacle might be a clearer word choice. Pupils were not required . . . Jennifer thought was very strange." This sentence seemed off to me. I think it was the complexity and the combination of not and until. "Pupils were required to arrive at ten o'clock at night for a late meal . . ." I don't know. Read yours aloud and see if it seems awkward. Jinger seems over confident about her rucksack compared to the girls satchels, especially since her sister already told her no one has that kind of rucksack. The thought of a town with its own moon made me daydream for a while. Not sure how it's possible, hopefully more about this later. It's certainly easy to root for Jinger. You've made her a very likable character. Bill

Another chapter review.... I'm going to miss reading this, when I'm done. Don't worry, I might come back in the future and do another read just to make sure I follow the whole story, see there's nothing else I've missed. James "Tamria" http://www.authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one *** CHAPTER 35 I’d like to see a *bit* more of a reaction from Jessica and Jinger to the news of Arthur’s injury. All Jessica does is chew her thumbnail. If someone I knew had just been stabbed, I expect I would be a lot more shocked. “Jinger’s dad said, giving his older daughter a sympathetic look.” - I think you should lose the “Jinger’s dad said” part, the dialogue would flow much more naturally like this: –> “’No. But he’s very old and I don’t think he’ll recover. Old people don’t always heal very well.’ Douglas gave his older daughter a sympathetic look.” “’You didn’t even mention you’d got a brother.’” – hmm, this is okay but why not “you had a brother” ? I can imagine a younger person misusing grammar in speech like that, but an adult would most likely say “you had”, not “you’d got”. “Jessica stayed quiet and polite until their birthdays” – maybe “kept” instead of “stayed” ? –> “Jinger kept quiet and polite” “Jinger could tell from his tone of voice” – don’t think you need “of voice”. We know what’s meant by “tone”. –> “Jinger could tell from his tone that whatever it was had something to do with the special day.” “smiling at his older daughter” – maybe “elder daughter” ? Have you changed the girls’ ages? They’re fourteen now. So this story is set in 2014, not 2012. (Well, guessing that means the world doesn’t end, then!) Have you updated Arthur’s age to 114? I know you made these changes a week and I seem to recall in an earlier chapter seeing his age as 112. Obviously that would mean he was born in 1901, not 1899. “We knew that Christmas 1999 would be the last one as just the two of us” – maybe “We knew that Christmas 1999 would be the last Christmas as just the two of us” “see in the new millennium.” – should this be “see in the New Millennium” ? Since the New Millennium is/was a pretty big event! “’Then we all just sat on the living room floor, exhausted and delighted and watched the fireworks in the distance.’” – for this dialogue to flow a little bit better, I think “watched” should be “watching”. –> “’Then we all just sat on the living room floor, exhausted and delighted and watching the fireworks in the distance.’” “’Tell her about the newspapers and everything.’” – I feel the full-stop here should be an exclamation mark like the others. I like “as diplomatically as a father of twins could.” “Tabs said in a mock-bitterly way.” – this should be “mock-bitter”, since it’s an adjective and not an adverb. I like Tabs’ response: “Huh?” Wait a second! How could Mr. Oldham, a ONE-HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD MAN, pregnate a woman?!?!? (I’m not going to ask the question, why would a young woman get into bed with a 100-year-old man. Doesn’t bear thinking about.) Is that even possible?! It’s a fact that men’s sperm count decreases as they get older. Many men find they can’t produce kids in their forties and fifties. There have been stories of men fathering children in their very late years but such instances are rare. Somebody asked of my story how Queen Beruthia could possibly have given birth to Aloria at 48. (Well, the backstory which I took out is that she and Trinian couldn’t have any kids, and when she finally did have a girl the child died young. It was happenstance that brought another, identical into their midst. I rounded her age down to 60, so she gave birth when she was 44 – bit more believable.) I think this demands a bit of suspension of disbelief! Hey, but then he has a perfect memory and he’s an exceptional human being in other ways as well so who’s to say that Arthur Oldham isn’t extra special, um, down there? :-) “her newly discovered one” – I’m back with my hyphens! “newly-discovered one” With the dialogue: “’No one knows about!’ she said, lowering her voice so Tabs could not hear.” – I think, as before, that the “she said” could go. –> “Jinger stopped moving, horriied. ‘How do you know about! No one knows about that!’ She lowered her voice so Tabs would not hear.”

Still rollin' on with my review... getting very close to the end now. I recommend you take a look at Ch3, "The Citadel", of my Tamria: Book Two next. Although a generally serious chapter, there's some things in that I expect you'll find funny. James "Tamria" http://www.authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one/ *** CHAPTER 34 “Arthur was not a man who minded time wasted.” – Your opening to this chapter is all right, but I wonder if it could be stronger. –> “Time had never been an issue to Arthur. In fact, he found it hard to think of an activity he would even consider to be a waste of time.” I think my first sentence works better. Time obviously isn’t an issue to a 112-year-old man, he’s been around a *long* time! “antipathy to action” – I like it but I wonder if the meaning would be lost on younger readers. I know what “antipathy” means, but would a 12/13-year-old? That is, I assume, your intended age group, since that’s the age of the protagonists. But then, I suppose I’m guilty of the same thing in my Chapter 19 (“Walking”) – some of the stuff there might go over readers’ heads! “Arthur examined his new slippers from his comfortable armchair in his bungalow, his starry cane resting unused for days by his side.” – though grammatically perfect, there are a lot of elements in this sentence: Arthur, his slippers, his armchair, his bungalow, his cane. Wonder if you should take one of them out? I’d lose “bungalow.” –> “Arthur examined his new slippers from the comfort of his armchair, his starry cane resting unused for days by his side.” “in his borrowed time” – I like this! This is the sort of humour I love in your writing. At over 100, Arthur is living “on borrowed time”! “held absolutely no appeal for Arthur” – maybe “Arthur” should be “him” here? We know who “him” is referring to – there’s no one else in this scene. “He had watched the news after the events at the school and then realising that the reports had far less information than he did, he abandoned that too.” – sentence needs additional punctuation. Think you could lose “did” as well. –> “He had watched the news after the events at the school and then, realising that the reports had far less information than him, he had abandoned that too.” “However, it was possible that whoever was at the door could hear the telephone from outside though and would wait.” – you don’t need “though”. You have “However”. You could also change “could” to “would” and get rid of the “would” before “wait”, to make this a little neater. –> “However, it was possible that whoever was at the door would hear the telephone from outside and wait.” “ring ring and ding dong” – I like this. Since these are onomatopoeia words, though, should they be italicized? “wild-eyed like a lassoed horse” – great image. Bit strong, though?  Is she foaming at the mouth too? “’Arthur,’ she said, her voice strangled and desperate” – is “said” the right verb here? You might need something a bit stronger, because “strangled and desperate” definitely makes this more than just “saying”. –> “gasped”, “cried” ? Either of these two? “The doorbell rang again” – fine, but I couldn’t resist a bit of word tinkering. Hope you won’t mind. You’ve used “rang” already and if we’re honest it’s not a very exciting word – how about “squealed” ? –> “The doorbell squealed again” . That connotes loudness, impatience. “Ms Flapp’s panic rose. She could hear Arthur’s shaky inquisitive greeting.” – hmm, here you’re changing POV in the middle of the chapter from Arthur from Ms Flapp. It’s the sort of thing I’ve been taught to avoid. You also brought me up on it in one of my chapters – the scene with the innkeeper. There is only chapter in my book where I “head-hop” between characters, Coren and Gustav, and that was done carefully and intentionally. (“Corridors of Power”, in Book Two – not uploaded yet.) I wonder if you might rewrite this scene or insert a scene break so the reader isn’t jolted so much? Comma before “Dorothy smiled” should be full-stop. Also, does Ms Flapp know it’s Dorothy? Has she met her before? Apparently not, given the way she was described. Maybe she should introduce herself. “Dorothy smiled and bustled through the door without waiting to see if Ms Flapp would move out of the way.” –> “Dorothy smiled and bustled through the door, not waiting to see if Ms Flapp would move out of the way.” Is this better? “happy beyond words” – a cliché, though not a big one. Do we need “happy beyond words” ? –> “Ms Flapp stood back, secretly glad that the stranger had not actually asked if she minded…” “The visitor certainly seemed to know where she was going.” – can’t quite put my finger on what’s wrong with this sentence, but it seems to me a very casual way of Ms Flapp observing that Dorothy has been here before. Here’s my suggested phrasing, take it or leave it. –> “Much to Ms Flapp’s surprise, the woman seemed to know her way around the house. She headed straight for Arthur in the living room, just as he was placing the receiver down on its side next to the telephone.” Comma before “Dorothy stood up” – again, should be full-stop. “not letting her eyes flicker from her target.” – the way this is phrased almost seems to make Dorothy the POV. –> “Dorothy stood up and moved towards Ms Flapp, her eyes not flickering from their target.” “Ms Flapp could tell from his tension that although he was surely badly hurt he must still be alive.” – honestly don’t think we need this. If he’s clutching his stomach in agony and his eyes are screwed up tightly, we know he’s in pain, and he’s not dead. You’re repeating information here. I’d just have: –> “Ms Flapp ignored her and looked at Arthur. He lay curled up in front of the coffee table, his wrinkled hands fisted over his middle. His eyes were screwed up tightly, his mouth moving in soft sounds of agony. She could not make the decision to leave Arthur and save herself…” “despite suspecting that that was what he would want her to do…” – do we need to be told this? From what I’ve read of Arthur’s character so far, I’ve gathered this much already. I think it’s more stuff that you don’t need. “whether they are an old or a little man.” – this dialogue might sound better if you lose “they are”. –> “‘Anyone born on an eve is dangerous, whether an old man or a little girl.’” “‘And where else better to store a weapon than on your victim?’” – lose “else”. –> “And where better to store a weapon than on your victim?’” “Similar things had been said up at the school recently” – maybe lose “up” ? You don’t need it. –> “Similar things had been said at the school recently” “Jinger’s future, so recently almost cut short” – you used “recently” in the last sentence. How about: –> “Jinger’s future, so nearly cut short, was of interest to…” “’The Murkle Truth’ told her about a legend and whether it was true or not, her planned article would make her career.” – fine, but I think “whether or not it was true” would sound better. Just my opinion, though. –> “’The Murkle Truth’ told her about a legend and whether or not it was t rue, her planned article would make her career.” “two important eves in the last hundred or so years” – you keep using lower-case “eve”, but since it’s an important date – an important event – I strongly feel it should be ”Eve”. –> “There had only been two important Eves in the hundred years or so”. Otherwise it could be any eve. The eve of the summer solstice, for example. Or the eve of spring. I’m sure there are many more “eves” than Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve and Millennium Eve! “Frances Mann thought about how fitting it was that the child prodigy…” – think you could lose “about”. See if this sounds better: –> “As her editor punched the highest number on the telephone three times, Frances Mann thought fitting it was that the child prodigy would provide another opportunity…” – Also, this is quite a long sentence. Think of a way to break it down.

I'm getting near the end now... only five chapters to go! Thanks once again for the time you have spent with "Tamria". I thought you might like to know, if you haven't seen my earlier message, that I have now uploaded some chapters of "Book Two" (which are really more of "Book One") onto Authonomy. If you'd like to have a look and make another comment I'd be really pleased! I've only uploaded five chapters so far. The ones I recommend you look at are the first ("Angst", in which Coren finally makes a move on Aloria - and gets caught by Gustav!) and third ("The Citadel" - a more complicated chapter talking about the preparations for war.) http://www.authonomy.com/books/45021/tamria-book-two-excerpt-chapters-/ Have a "nice" day! James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 33 “Christmas day” – “day” needs a capital. “Christmas Day”. “Although having Tabs stay with them was fun and it was easy to see that asking her to had been totally The Right Thing” – is there a word or two missing here? –> “it was easy to see that asking her to come over had been totally The Right Thing” “pretended to throw an octopus mug over arm to Tabs” – “over arm” needs a hyphen. “over-arm” “Dorothy said, annoyed to have to explain a question” – I think this would flow more smoothly: “Dorothy said, annoyed at having to explain a question” “‘You’ve never lived here,’ he asked.” – “‘So why do you care?’” is a question; the following sentence is a statement. So “he asked” should be “he said”. “her tone of voice told her driver” – I don’t think we need “her driver”. Just –> “her tone of voice told that she now preferred to travel in silence.” “When they arrived back into Brink Stenton” – how can you arrive “back into” ? You can arrive back *in*. I like “began its unlikely Christmas resurrection.” Phrases like this add colour to your writing. I honestly don’t find myself liking Jessica at all. I suppose that’s kind of the point. But wouldn’t it be possible for you to add *some* redeeming features to her personality? At the moment all I can see is a self-absorbed, vain, egotistic girl who (in my opinion) needs to be taken down a peg. Heck, even my Cassius who’s a generally unlikeable character has one redeeming feature – he sticks up for Brutus even though he doesn’t like to admit it! Even Kueller isn’t all “bad” – he’s more a misguided soul than a truly evil being.

I've read the first 3 chapters and it's a very well written book, really polished. No need for me to nit pick. The story is interesting, the MC hurdles to fit in school should connect well with YA audiences. Carina Soundtracks of a Life

Hi Lucy Wonderful book. I like the idea of feeling old just because you were born in a previous millenium even if I don't feel so myself. Will you have look at mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrose? If you do and comment or even better, back it, many thanks. Best wishes, John

More comments, as promised... Thank you again for your time with "Tamria"! James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 32 “but the Closed sign had probably made no difference to how many sales had been made.” – this could be a little tighter. –> “but the Closed sign had probably made no difference to sales.” “Dorothy said, suddenly swapping her irritation with the wet floor for genuine anger with her visitor.” – how do you “swap” emotions? Maybe it’s just me, ignore this comment if you like. –> “Dorothy said, her irritation with the wet floor suddenly turning to genuine anger with her visitor.” “The man gave a snort of laughter.” – how about “snort of derision” ? Or is that phrase too well-used? “to stop Jinger Barley destroying Murkle” – “stop from” ? –> “to stop Jinger Barley from destroying Murkle” “the child born on the eve” – “Millennium Eve” is an important date, as you’ve established, so this needs a capital “E” “She waited for almost an hour in weather just like this…” – this is referring to a past event, something Dorothy recalls from memory, so needs a “had” before “waited”. Otherwise it seems this is something she is doing *now.* –> “She had waited for almost an hour…” Like “spiralling snow”. “unlit with fairy lights” – maybe “undecorated with fairy lights” ? “The man gestured that she should six next to her daughter.” – take this or leave this, but I think “motioned” would be a better verb. “indicated” is something you’ve used quite a few times, as we know. “Quiet rage swelled up inside Dorothy.” – good phrase, but maybe “welled up” instead of “swelled up” ? Or maybe just “swelled”, that’s better without the “up”. –> “Quiet rage swelled inside Dorothy.” “‘I’m not going to walk up to the woods from here,’ she demanded.” – this doesn’t sound like a demand, more a statement. Or even an order. –>”she stated”. “‘No,’ Mr Baldwin lied.” – this is slightly ambiguous. Does Dorothy know that Mr Baldwin is lying? To make this absolutely clear: –> “No.” Dorothy knew that Mr Baldwin was lying.” “she said mysteriously but firmly” – another “firmly”. You had that a few paragraphs before. (“repeated firmly”). Something else. “Mr Baldwin, although not a tall man” – I think “though” instead of “although” would flow better there. –> “Mr Baldwin, though not a tall man, was bulky enough to shoulder it open.” Also, maybe you mean “broad” instead of “bulky” ? Because “bulky” could just mean fat, and not strong, but “broad” suggests power and strength. “It was plain to see that” – don’t need “to see”. –> “It was plain that the police had been here already.” (Why a capital “P” for police?)

Here's my continued review: The pace of the novel definitely picks up in the second half, with Felix taken by the mysterious Woodcutters, and the subsequent revelations of their plan to save Murkle by killing Jinger. Earlier plots start to come together with the return of Malcolm, and of Arthur's revelation that he's JInger's grandfather. This line made me laugh: 'They might have been a wolf-girl, a shaven-headed kidnap victim and the evil that was predicted to destroy the whole of Murkle but the three Third Years knew they ought to do what they were told when they were at school.' Chapter 29 is great, especially the actions of the Moon. I love the idea of it 'sulking'. Really like the switch to Jessica's perspective in Chapter 33 - we get to see just how selfish and attention-seeking she can be! Again, you employ humour to great effect. Mrs Flapp's reaction to the telephone and doorbell ringing at the same time is hilariously comic. Again, you use great hooks at the end of chapters in order to keep the reader turning the pages. You do a great job of tying up all the loose ends, leaving enough mystery at the end to anticipate a sequel. I was too caught up in the story to take note of any errors, though none stood out to me. Overall, a great end to a unique book - I'm sure I'll be seeing this one on the shelves someday! Emma

Thank you for your well thought-out full review of Tamria. I've enjoyed the time we've spent on this (don't worry, I will continue reading Jinger Barley until the end!) and your advice has been invaluable. I can see you've put a lot of consideration into your comments and I am grateful that you haven't pulled your punches. I think some of the issues you raise - like Aloria's character feeling undeveloped - stem from the fact that I ended the book prematurely. I wanted to keep it within 100,000 words (85,000 is what I’m aiming for) and when Book One was originally finished what I have here was only the first two-thirds. After the discovery of the Mage Factory is when the story *really* starts to get interesting. Everything is building up to that. Aloria ceases to be a background person and straightforward "love interest" and becomes a serious character. We get the first stirrings of romance between Coren and Aloria, and a complex father-son relationship developing between Coren and Gustav. No-Name stops being a silly comic side-character (although he continues to be funny and the word "nice" still appears) and develops into a tortured, introspective soul, questioning who and what he is. The big question of the series is: Does No-Name have a soul? It’s never really answered but I would like the reader to decide at the end that he does. The story itself after “The Origin of No-Name” is much, much darker. In the following chapter the children Coren and Aloria met in "The Mystery of Oakvale" die horribly at the hands of the Mages, who are pursuing them. In the next chapter we learn that Queen Beruthia has taken the first steps to war and declared against Hrothgar. Elyssia, bound by the terms of its alliance with Hrothgar, has declared in turn against Arcadia. So the war has begun, although the fighting has not yet started. A couple of chapters after that, we get the next big "climax" of the story - a massive show-down between No-Name and another Mage! After this he becomes a much more complex and interesting person. Queen Beruthia, Kueller, Tatl and Tael and Jareg Rothinzil don't appear in any more chapters, but we learn more about them, and what's going on behind the scenes. I explore Aloria's relationship with her mother, and Beruthia's character becomes more sympathetic as I begin to explain why she’s so obnoxious. It is also explained why Cedric and Trinian's familial relationship is not common knowledge (because of various complex political reasons), and there are strong hints that Cedric and Kueller might be in league - as indeed they are! From Gustav's perspective, we get some insight into what's going on with Tatl and Tael and their seemingly innocuous relationship with the queen. (They're Kueller's spies and agents and are responsible for her madness - they have been slipping a will-sapping poison into her wine!) Also, we get to see the Sky-City of Elyssia, Coren's home. Think 19th-century London but on a giant rock magically suspended half a mile above the ground! More of the political situation is explained - Elyssia is afraid that if Arcadia lays waste to Hrothgar it might have to fight Hrothgar as well, to prevent the northerners from destroying Arcadia in revenge - and we learn a bit more about the Ancients, and their history. That becomes important much later. In short: there's a hell of a lot more to come! What you've seen is barely scratching the surface. In the final chapter of the *original* Book One, Coren, Aloria, Gustav and No-Name finally meet Lord Cedric, who, as you know from Chapter 18, Kueller turned into a frog. This felt to me a natural ending to the book. It starts with the Brotherhood employed to kidnap the princess and take her to Elyssia, and ends with Coren delivering the girl. Aloria is taken into custody, Gustav becomes a prisoner, No-Name is subjected to "examination" (Cedric knows about the Mages and wants to learn their weaknesses) and only Coren is allowed to go free. The reader is left not knowing what is going to happen next. The fate of the other Brothers is unresolved, although we see them again early in Book Two. The world of Tamria is left teetering on the brink of war, as Arcadia is marching against Hrothgar, Elyssia is preparing to move against Arcadia, the Army of Mages is about to be unleashed on the northern capital of Hreidmar and Kueller the mastermind is chuckling and rubbing his hands behind it all! And yet we STILL don’t know what he and Queen Beruthia want to do with Aloria, or what Kueller is ultimately after, or who this mysterious “Lord Sheogoth” is! So many questions left unanswered, so many plotlines unfulfilled, and this would have been a FANTASTIC way to end the first book, if only if weren’t for the publishing world and its word count restrictions!!! It really does annoy me when I see massive debut novels published by unknown authors and yet I’m constantly told: “No one will publish your book if it’s over X words.” Heck, the Twilight books are all massive – over 500 pages! And don’t even get me started on Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell! But I gotta stick to the rules, yet I *hope* that some agent will be sufficiently impressed by Tamria to accept the “long” version of Book One and not insist that it end on this inadequate cliffhanger. It would almost be like Twentieth Century Fox telling George Lucas to end the first Star Wars movie just before the Death Star attack, or Tolkien’s publisher ordering J.R.R. to “end Fellowship before the Mines of Moria.” Would make no sense at all, but we live in a narrow-minded, unfair world. So... whew… this has turned into quite a long post! Hope I haven’t bored you to death and I hope you’ll get the gist of it. :-) James “Tamria”

Hello again! I've read another three chapters, I'm *really* hoping you'll finish Tamria today. Don't worry, I'll still continue to read and comment on your book until I'm done. The last chapter's called "The Origin of No-Name", by the way. Hope that whets your appetite! James *** CHAPTER 29 “After they heard what happened in the observatory” –> “After hearing what had happened in the observatory”. Think that flows better. “Jinger packed her suitcase a lot less neatly than she had when she had been leaving home in September.” – why “when she had been leaving home” ? Why not a simpler “when she left home” ? Choice of tense is a bit confusing here; as far as I can tell there’s no need for it. –> “Jinger packed her suitcase a lot less neatly than she had when she left home in September.” Or even “Jinger packed her suitcase a lot less neatly than she had when leaving home in September.” “Jinger did an impression” – tiny nitpick but I think “gave an impression” would sound better. You can keep this is at it is, if you like. “waiting for a while.” – could lose “for”. –> “waiting a while.” Does Jinger’s dad have a name? Could you give it to us? I have to admit, I have a slight issue with stories where the parent characters are only ever called “Mum” and “Dad”. It seems unfair to give very minor characters names and never give the reader the names of the protagonist’s parents! “But Jinger was not at all surprised; this had been a familiar noise ever since they had moved into this house.” – could lose the second “had”, it slows the sentence. –> “But Jinger was not at all surprised; this had been a familiar noise ever since they moved into this house.” “‘What was your dad thinking?’ she asked, standing with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed.” – I think “wondered” instead of “asked”. She’s not “asking” a question, this is not directed at Jinger or her father, it’s an introspective speculation. Couldn’t find anything else in this chapter, although I suppose I might if I looked really hard! CHAPTER 30 “She had not missed it when she had been at school.” – I would have “was” instead of “had been”, the sentence would flow better.–> “She had not missed it when she was at school.” Another “had” that might go: “Jinger had left her key in the lock when she had opened it to let Dorothy in. –> “Jinger had left her key in the lock when she opened it to let Dorothy in.” “leading Tabs away from the direction of her dad’s shop.” – could lose “the direction”, It doesn’t seem necessary. Or maybe –> “leading Tabs in the opposite direction to her dad’s shop.” CHAPTER 31 “It did not help that her dad had insisted that they go to bed early” – instead of “her dad”, why not “Dad” ? And maybe lose the second “that”. See if this sentence flows better. It’s two words fewer. –> “It did not help that Dad had insisted they go to bed early” “she even asked their dad if she could spend Christmas at her friend, Matt’s house.” – don’t need a comma there. Only keep the comma if you’re going to have another one after Matt’s name. (i.e. “at her friend, Matt’s, house.”) That flows awkwardly so: –> “she even asked Dad if she could spend Christmas as her friend Matt’s house.” “Tabs did not answer and Jinger lay back down again sensing Tabs felt uncomfortable because she had mentioned her own mum.” –> “Tabs did not answer and Jinger lay back down, sensing her discomfort because she had mentioned her own mum.” Think that reads a bit better. “‘She died in a car crash when we were little.’” – Who is the other person in this “we” ? Jessica isn’t part of this conversation, she hasn’t been mentioned yet in this chapter, other than a brief mention at the beginning. So just “She died in a car crash when I was little.” “They made their way quietly past Jessica’s bedroom” – this is one instance where you could so easily *not* use another adverb. “They tiptoed past Jessica’s bedroom.” There, that’s a few words shorter and one adverb less! “Tabs held her hand over her mouth to stop herself giggling.” –> how about “Tabs held her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle.” “key ring” – shouldn’t this be a hyphenated word? “key-ring”. I know, me and my hyphens! “‘Stop asking questions Jinger.’” – Tabs is addressing the other girl so comma needed. –> “‘Stop asking questions, Jinger.’” Ooh! Good chapter ending!

I don't believe this is the most under-rated book on Authonomy :) It is, however, very good. I found myself reading as a Reader rather than some self-appointed Editor and that's a good thing for both of us because it means I had fun and there was nothing annoying or off-putting in your writing style. For what it's worth, I think you use your character's names too often - this was especially evident in the first chapter. Also, as soon as I started on chapter two, I thought Oh no, it's going to be twins. And it was. It's a cliche I could have done without but then again ... it didn't put me off :) After five chapters, I am getting a genuine-though-completely-different Potteresque feel here. Very well done.

YARG review... I love the opening line for a start. Straight away I wanted to read on because of a refreshing and unique opening sentence! I read the entire first chapter twice and couldn't find one bad piece of grammar, a poor word choice or any element of your writing style to suggest a change to (and believe me, I was really trying!). The opening chapter is so polished and it's obvious how much time and care you've put into this, making it an easy and enjoyable read from the start. Charming and fun are the words I would use for the opening. The names of the places, the talking moon and Arthur all have a vibrancy about them because of your writing, which brings the story and the setting to life with colour and imagination, which would appeal to children so much. It's subtly funny, as well, in the opening, which I like. There's no obvious jokes or forced attempts to make the reader laugh, but still it made me smile. Six stars :) All the best with it, Jordan.

{Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 20: I feel terribly ashamed of being away for so long… and here I am, back! I hope this will get picked up one day, I would love to read it in hard copy, right from the beginning again! Loved the scene and being in Felix’s mind, leading up to when he knows without a doubt that he is not destined to be a wolf. You have some great descriptions in the chapter that makes it very engaging. I particularly liked ‘People vanished like flying fish diving back into the teeming ocean.’ Great! And also ‘a shred of fear tear through his middle’, nice portrayal of the emotion… really connects us to Felix! The simple one-liner at the end of the chapter keeps the tension rolling on into the next… Great stuff as always, and glad to see you rising up the charts! Cara --- p.s. edits coming :)

My continuing read. Thanks for your latest batch of comments! James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 28 “Mr Oldham made a pained noise.” – isn’t this “telling” rather than “showing”? “made a pained noise” could be so much more dramatic, and indeed *deserves* to be. This telescope has been Arthur’s whole life (a very LONG life!), and he’s just seen it destroyed. I would imagine a tremendous outpouring of grief. “Out of nowhere” – bit overused / cliché, don’t you think? “She slid down, landing behind one of the computer monitors and did not move.” – “did not move” feels a bit tacked on, imo. Perhaps you could phrase it differently. –> “She slid down, landing behind one of the computer monitors stunned.” “Mr Culpin said, speaking to the teacher” – just “he said”, we know it’s Mr Culpin speaking. “not taking his gaze away from Jinger.” – think you could lose “away”. –> “not taking his gaze from Jinger.” “‘Who is it going to be?’ Mr Culpin mocked.” - I don’t feel “mocked” is the appropriate verb for this dialogue. Maybe: “‘Who is it going to be?’ Mr Culpin said in a mocking tone.” “Either or.” – as I’ve pointed out before, this phrase needs a comma. “Either, or.” “She would be unable to help any of them.” –> maybe “She couldn’t do anything to help either of them.” ? “Mr Culpin said smugly and walked calmly past her.” – that’s two adverbs in the same sentence. I know you don’t like me counting! But I think while you might keep “smugly”, you could change “walked calmly” to “strolled.” The verb “strolled” conveys a certain calmness, confidence and leisurely pace. –> “Mr Culpin said smugly and strolled past her.” “But as the wolves leapt forwards” – that should be “forward”. And maybe a more interesting verb than “leapt” ? –> “But as the wolves bounded forward” “pulled the little object out.” –> how about “withdrew the little object” ? “irregular waxing and waning pattern” – although this is fine, do you think “routine” would be more suitable than “pattern” ? “Firstly, a set of jaws…” – I honestly don’t think this needs the “ly” on the end. Not just that you’re using an adverb where you don’t have to, but “First” just sounds so much better. “First, a set of jaws clamped down…” “He howled in pain” – could lose “in pain” ? We know why he’s howling! –> “He howled and the weapon missed its target.” “At the same moment” –> “In the same moment” ? I feel that fits better. “Its surface filled almost the entire night sky” – how about “swallowed the night sky”, that sounds more exciting! And maybe “face” instead of “surface”. –> “Its face swallowed the night sky, like an spacecraft from an unlikely planet in an old black-and-white film.” (Also note the hyphens in “black and white” – this is an instance where you *do* need the hyphens!) “Mr Culpin dropped the axe.” – I know you don’t like me counting words, but you do use “axe” times in this chapter. You could so easily change some of those “axe”s for different words. “shaft” is one word that comes to mind. “Jinger grabbed it…” – strongly feel this sentence should be broken up. And maybe “seized” instead of “grabbed” ? –> “Jinger seized it and clung on to it. Even though she would never be able to bring herself to use it, she could certainly stop anyone else from doing so.” “He had rolled his trouser leg up” – maybe lose “leg” ? Since you had “leg” in the previous sentence, only five or six words ago. “Blood gathered on his skin around the circular wound and it started to drip onto the threadbare carpet.” – lose “it”. And maybe a more interesting word than “gathered” ? How about “bubbled”, that’s visual and imaginative. –> “Blood bubbled on his skin around the circular wound and started to drip onto the threadbare carpet.” “then they started to argue.” – lose “they”. –> “They made and impressed and horrified-sounding noises at the sight, then started to argue.” “A very old man’s voice cut through their fight.” –> “squabble” or “quarrel” instead of “fight” ? “‘Well I never.’” – needs a comma. –> “‘Well, I never.’” I enjoyed this chapter but I felt the resolution was achieved too quickly. Is Mr Culpin the antagonist? You dispatch him in a single sentence and the chapter’s over less than a hundred words after that. I like that he was defeated by the combined efforts of Felix, Jinger and Arthur. However, maybe you could draw out his death scene a little more? Although Felix’s changing into a wolf makes this slightly more credible, I find it improbable that a robust axe-wielding man is thwarted by a 112-year-old man and a couple of kids! But then, you might say the same of the “chase scene” in my novel. How the hell do a bunch of ordinary human beings manage to outrun four fifteen-foot trolls?!? Artistic licence, I guess. :-)

I read the first few chapters a while back but other commitments got in the way and prevented me from finishing your wonderful book. As I see you've updated it, I decided to come back for more! Love the new pitch; the passage is a great hook which will draw readers in. I think your first chapter has definitely improved, with clearer explanations as to the role of the Murkle Moon, and I love Arthur's 'conversation' with it. As before, I love the characters; Arthur, Jinger, Mrs Flapp, Felix...all stand out clearly in my mind as you've defined them so well. I like the way you end each chapter with a 'hook' to keep the reader turning the pages. Your phrasing is often genius, things like 'Forever had other ideas' and '"No, I'm not shocked," said Jinger, horribly shocked.' I like the way the sense of mystery deepens as Jinger discovers odd things about the school- the sighting of the wolves, the students' nocturnal sleeping patterns. The movement between the different characters helps keep things varied. Your use of flashbacks is good, particularly Chapters Seven and Eleven. Revelations are handled well, too, with Granny Bloom's confession to Douglas in Chapter Twelve and the way the reader often knows things before the characters do. I've read the first half (19 chapters and the prologue) and I'll read the rest and comment soon. I think this is a real winner- the quirky and endearing characters, the fascinating world of Murkle and its wandering moon, strange magic, and wolves, and the well-constructed plot with many stories interweaving make this a fantastic story for children. I'll be back to read and comment on the second half shortly! Emma

Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon I've read all of this. I was in love from the very first line. It's full of memorable, likeable characters (many of whom have wonderful names!) and the humour is quirky, original and unexpected. Although it's a YA book, I think readers of almost any age would enjoy it. The plot gets gradually more complex but it's never confusing. The Moon itself is somehow a convincing character, and the Murkle school is the perfect setting. There's an interesting mix of real-life and fantasy in this which adds to it's appeal. Is there going to be a sequel? I thought from the end that there probably would be. Some lines I loved "You're not horribly shocked, are you" asked Tabs. "No," Jinger replied, horribly shocked. "sitting comfortably so he could begin" "as familiar to him as its curvy backside"

Hi Lucy, I read chapter 5. I found it easy to pick up the story and follow what was happening. You communicate the characters very well and I enjoyed reading it. Already doing well on the ratings, I can see this book climbing to the top very soon. Congratulations. Kind Regards and Best Wishes Lenny Banks Tide and Time: At The Rock

Hi Lucy, I read chapter 5. I found it easy to pick up the story and follow what was happening. You communicate the characters very well and I enjoyed reading it. Already doing well on the ratings, I can see this book climbing to the top very soon. Congratulations. Kind Regards and Best Wishes Lenny Banks Tide and Time: At The Rock

I'm back! I'm really enjoying this. The story feels like it's building to some kind of climax, although, as I've been paying more attention to my critique than the actual story, I'm not sure I'm following everything that's going on. But this is just me - I often feel I have to re-read a book, or re-watch a film, to fully understand the storyline. However, this is a good story. I'm looking forward to your opinion on my next chapter. Chapter 18, 'The Mastermind', is the most important in the entire story, as it finally introduces Kueller, the main villain. Unfortunately, this is Kueller's only appearance in Book One, and after No-Name he is my favourite character. I've lavished more time and attention on that chapter than any of the others, so I'll be surprised if you find much wrong with it! As a piece of writing, I consider it to be my crowning achievement. Bad guys are always so much fun to write! (Especially if they're narcissistic, megalomaniacal, power-obsessed and completely evil. Which Kueller certainly is!) I hope you'll find this critique useful, and have a nice day! James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 24 “even Smart” – is that a brand-name, or why else does it have a capital letter? “He ate as much of it as he could bring himself to” – this is absolutely fine as it is, but how about “He ate as much as he could swallow” ? That conveys a little more than your sentence, that the porridge is unpleasant. “Straight after they had finished eating” – “As soon as they had finished eating” ? Yours is fine, though. “He could feel his fear building…” – I know what you mean here but because Mr. Culpin was the subject of the previous sentence, and Felix was the object, the “he” might be understood to refer to Mr. Culpin. But to be honest I probably come across this kind of thing all the time in printed fiction and don’t even notice it. I don’t imagine your readers will. You might change the “He” to “Felix”, if you want. “‘Any questions, then?’ he asked”, “‘When can I see my dad?’ Felix asked” (following sentence) – both segments of dialogue end with the verb “asked”. This is normal with the verb “said”, which can be used as many times as the author likes, but with other dialogue verbs it’s generally advisable not to use the same one twice, close by. –> Maybe change to “Felix demanded”. “‘And why’s that?’ Felix asked, thinking…” – another “Felix asked”. Not a biggie. But how about: “‘And why’s that?’ Felix thought that he might as well ask since everyone was looking at him anyway…” “‘Felix asked, feeling anxious…” – you know what I’m going to say! “baby born on Millennium night” – since “Millennium night” is a very important event, maybe “night” deserves a capital, like “Longest Night”. –> “Millennium Night”. Wait a second. I thought Jinger’s sister was born on the Millennium? Jinger herself was born on December 31st 1999. Have I missed something? Or have you changed this aspect of the story? Or are Felix and the others misled, thinking about the wrong person? (Either way, this seems a red-herring to me. Arthur is obviously the person they need to ‘battle’.) Nothing else really to point out in this chapter, other than the usual little things like hyphens. I’m finding fewer things to fault as I read through this. As, it seems, you are with mine! CHAPTER 25 Are we missing a chapter (or more) here? In the last chapter Felix was a prisoner of the Woodcutters. Here he is with Tabs and Jinger again… Or maybe I’m just not following the story very closely….? “If she had leant down over the outside of the boat and had run her finger over the flaky paint…” – tiny nit-pick, but you might take the second “had” out. –> “If she had leant down over the outside of the boat and ran her finger over the flaky paint, perhaps she would have found what she was looking for.” Another two “asked” in close succession. “she asked”, “Felix asked irritably”. You might take +out the first one. Just –> “Jinger’s mouth felt dry. ‘Is it his only one?’” “before Jinger or Felix had chance to say anything” – missing a word. Need “a” before “chance”. “Felix asked Jinger delaying having to follow Tabs into the room.” – for this passage to flow a bit better, I think it needs a comma after “JInger.” –> “Felix asked Jinger, delaying having to follow Tabs into the room,” “Arctic Foxes” – should this be capitalized? Why not “arctic foxes”? With animals, I thought capital letters were only applied to breeds (such as “Dalmatian”, for dogs, or “Cheshire”, with cats). Oooh, great chapter ending! Is this Arthur speaking? CHAPTER 26 “Jinger had hoped…” – this is quite a long sentence and again, has two “had”s. Tell me if this feels a bit neater –> “Jinger had hoped she would get the opportunity to see the observatory properly since noticing the domed glass tower sticking out from the top of the building, on her first exploratory tour.” “‘I’m your grandfather!’ he beamed.” – this is something I’ve had recently pointed out to me, and I’ve had to make the changes in my own work. “beam” is not a dialogue-tag, like “said”, “whispered”, “shouted” and so on. (I used “scowled”, “nodded” and “shrugged” occasionally as dialogue-tags in Tamria.) So you could make “he beamed” a separate sentence – “He beamed.” – or you could change to “he said, beaming.” “Jinger sighed and only just managed not to roll her eyes, which she knew from watching Jessica do it so many times was something grown-ups thought was very rude.” – for the meaning of this sentence to become clearer, lose “do it many times”. –> “Jinger sighed and only just managed not to roll her eyes, which she knew from watching Jessica was something grown-ups thought was very rude.” Another good chapter ending. CHAPTER 27 “In the short time it had taken for Mr Culpin to enter the observatory in this way, the following took place” 1, lose “in this way”, you really don’t need it. You’ve only just told us “the way” Mr Culpin broke into the observatory! 2, “the following took place” – think you might need a slight change of tense here. I’m not well up on the technical names for tenses, but since this is a recounting of events, it needs to be less “immediate”, if you know what I mean. –> “the following had taken place”. 3, Also, another word that could go: “for”. A simpler “In the short time it had taken Mr Culpin…” > “In the short time it had taken Mr Culpin to enter the observatory, the following had taken place: Tabs had blurred and changed, Felix scooted from under the telescope and hid behind Ms Flapp, and she moved to stand in front of Mr Oldham.” “snowstorm of splinters and swearwords” – I REALLY like this! It would have been much easier and lazier to just have “storm”, but you gave it a unique twist. And “snowstorm of swearwords” is just an incredibly inventive phrase. Great alliteration, too! (I’m a huge fan of alliteration– as you’ve probably guessed from my Boss Benjamin Bacchus, burgling bruiser of the Brotherhood of Thieves, and Brutus, the most blundersome blockhead in the Brotherhood, their infamous bungler-in-chief. – P.S. That’s right, Bacchus’s first name *is* Benjamin and it’s revealed in Book Two, much to Coren’s amusement!!! He then goes on to speculate what Bacchus’s middle-name might be, and hopes “it isn’t Bertram, or anything else that begins with a ‘B’. Because that would just be stupid.”) “everything she had seen or learnt since had been at this school” –> “everything she had seen or learnt in her time at this school” ? “‘Is it you Malcolm?’” – addressing Malcolm so needs a comma. –> “‘Is it you, Malcolm?’” “She worried that there were not really enough of them.” –> “She was worried” ? “proposed pupil murder” – I strongly feel “pupil murder” should be hyphenated, to make it an action, not two separate words, a noun and a verb. –> “proposed pupil-murder”. “Mr Oldham said happily, waving his globe-topped cane happily in the air.” – is the repetition of “happily” deliberate, or might you substitute one with a different verb? “There might be a chance to escape the Woodcutter but this was not it.” –> “She might get a chance to escape the Woodcutter but this was not it.” ? “being unsure of what their new relationship might be.” – might lose “of”. –> “being unsure what their new relationship might be.” Another “as though”. –> “It was as if Mr Culpin did not know…” And you have another one in the following paragraph. (“Mr Culpin suddenly looked as though…”) “appreciate the pause in attempts to kill her” – fine, but how about “interlude” instead of “pause” ? That’s a more exciting word, and I think it fits the sentence better. –> “Jinger was keen to hear it and certainly appreciate the interlude in attempts to kill her very much indeed.” “born on the eve” – since “the eve” is important (like Christmas Eve) I feel that it needs a capital “E”. –> “The child born on the Eve”.

Hello, I’m back! Regarding what you said earlier, about the Americanized spellings of some of my words (damn, there it is again!) my word processor is stuck on U.S. spelling and I can’t for the life of me work out how to change it. Never been good with technology. So it automatically changes English words to American ones, like “surprised” and “realised”. Since you pointed this out to me I’ve gone through all my chapters and changed most of the American spellings; if you happen to notice any more please point them out to me. James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 18 “Arthur explained, as though that explained anything.” – I notice “as though” crops up a lot in your writing. I’d have “as if” here. –> “Arthur explained, as if that explained anything.” Short chapter, couldn’t find anything else to point out here. CHAPTER 19 I’ve already read and reviewed this chapter – this must be due to your recent editing. CHAPTER 20 Done this one too, but I noticed a couple other things (before I realized I had already commented on it!), so here they are: “He had put his blazer back on in his room earlier then, having stuck his head out of the dorm window, he changed his mind and replaced it with his padded black regulation coat.” –> think this sentence needs to be chopped in half. “He had put his blazer back on in his room earlier. Then, having stuck his head out of the dorm window, he had changed his mind and replaced it with his padded black regulation coat.” Second paragraph - you have an unwanted indent in the middle. “part way up the field” –> “partway up the field”. One word. CHAPTER 21 “Jinger gestured up towards the woods” – don’t need “up”. –> “Jinger gestured towards the woods” “ribbonned pigtails” – is “ribbonned” a word? Microsoft Word’s underlining it, and even with one “n” it doesn’t recognize it. “’I showed her my dorm room’” –> “I showed her my dorm”. Don’t need “room”, that appears quite often in this chapter. CHAPTER 22 “When the man put him down, Felix stumbled as though he was landing roughly after a parachute jump.” – another “as though”, but I’ll leave that to your discretion. “he was” I think can go. I’ve developed a passion for pruning words lately! It’s taken a few thousand words off my word count. –> “When the man put him down, Felix stumbled as though landing roughly after a parachute jump.” “without much friendliness in his voice.” – there isn’t really anything wrong with this, but I feel “in his voice” might be redundant. “without much friendliness” is shorter and so more effective. And “without much friendliness” could refer not only to his tone, but also to his body language / facial expression. “Felix considered his reply warily, the relieved feeling disappearing as suddenly as it had arrived.” 1, Here’s another chance to drop an adverb. “warily”. In a way, “considered his reply” makes it redundant. He’s being wary by choosing his words! 2, “the relieved feeling” – how about “the feeling of relief”, or shorter and tighter: “the relief” > “Felix considered his reply, the relief disappearing as suddenly as it had arrived. My ongoing “epic adverb hunt” – I’ve done a check for the letters “ly” on this page, and boy, there’s a lot! I know adverbs are an occasional problem in my book as well, and I’m working hard to eliminate them. You have “furnished sparsely”, “see clearly”, “looked at him properly”, “who was easily”, “Studying the man more closely”, “he had smartly”, “shyly looking”, “Felix shook uncontrollably” – that’s just in the first thousand words or so. Some of these you might take out, or find ways to replace them with non-adverb words. I’m told editors and agents don’t like books with “lots of adverbs”, and some consider it a sign of immature writing, but then I have read novels which grossly over-use them, and J.K. Rowling is notorious. (“Never met an adverb she didn’t like!” is one famous line from a review of Harry Potter.) So you might get away with it. Even so, if you’re looking to trim your word count, this would be a good place to start. “clean looking furniture” – I know you don’t like me bringing up hyphens, but this is one instance where you’ve told me you don’t mind putting them. “clean-looking”. “Having looked around the room” – you can lose “the room”. The previous sentence ended “the opposite side of the room.” –> “Having looked around, Felix looked at him properly.” That’s repeating a verb though, but I think most people would overlook it. “look” is an easy word to repeat. Good description of this character: “knots and sinews in ancient bark…” “Felix obeyed his dad.” – do we need “his dad” ? We know who this guy is. –> “Felix obeyed.” Shorter and snappier. “His voice was broken with sobs.” – this feels passive. Make it active. –> “His voice broke with sobs.” “Felix stood up and tried to follow his dad” – again, “his dad”. It feels unnecessary. –> “Felix stood up and tried to follow, pathetically hoping…” “he said in a surprisingly gentle way.” –> fine, but how about “he said, his manner surprisingly gentle.” ? “Mr Culpin took a long breath and paused as though to steady his emotions” – lose “as though”. –> “Mr Culpin took a long breath and paused to steady his emotions”. “It led to a small kitchen area which also looked surprisingly clean and well-equipped considering it was in a log cabin in the middle of the woods.” – Me and my word-trimming scissors! “considering it was” could easily be replaced by “for”. –> “It led to a small kitchen area which also looked surprisingly clean and well-equipped for a log cabin in the middle of the woods.” “the same size as the first room but it was laid out like his dorm room was” – “the same as the first size as the first but it was laid out like his dorm was”. “temporary looking” –> “temporary-looking” “Mr Culpin indicated” – thank you for pointing out my overuse of “blunder” (I’ve dealt with a few of those); you use “indicate” quite often. There are plenty of other verbs you could use. “indicate” feels like the right verb for this place, so you might go back and change a few of the others. “had ears which stuck out prominently” – “had prominent ears” ? It’s one adverb less, anyway. :-) “‘Go to bed, little boy. You might as well give up now,’ he said and turned to face the wall.” – This dialogue would work better without the “he said”. –> “‘Go to bed, little boy. You might as well give up now.’ He turned to face the wall.” “Hot with rebellion and frustration” – good phrase! “‘Who is he?’ the young woman repeated looking amazed.” – as before, given the way the dialogue has been flowing, I think “repeated” stands out. “‘Who is he?’ The young woman looked amazed. “‘Don’t you know?’” CHAPTER 23 “There was a deep groove left in the carpet” – could lose “left”. –> “There was a deep groove in the carpet.” Or else: “The heavy instrument had left a deep groove in the carpet, where it had stood for years.” Nothing else really to crit in this chapter. You’re a pretty good editor, generally.

Hi Lucy, I've just had a scan of your Prologue and first chapter. This is a fascinating and eccentric idea for a story, and you've got an easy wit about your writing. I thought the opening paragraph of the Prologue was especially pithy. I like the description of the twins, and Jessica's ribbing of her sister is good fun. A special mention for the name 'Ms Flapp' - the type of name that's right up my street! I'm hardly Editor of the Year, but I certainly couldn't see anything to complain about here. I'll stick this on my watchlist to keep it on my radar. Highly starred, and good fun. Pete

~Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon by Lucy Middlemass~ JINGER BARLEY is a magical children's book full of beautifully poetic lines (i.e. ‘the Moon’s diamond voice’); a highly recommended read! I wish you every success and look forward to seeing it on the ED! Here are just a few suggestions: Chapter 1: ● No, I’m Edward and she’s Catherine...’ (perhaps start this on a new line?) ● [The whole crowd below migh [have been] looking up] (Maybe you can take this line out so it just reads ‘This was not the quiet birthday he had in mind.’ ● No[,] no[,] no, this shouldn’t be happening (as it’s Arthur’s thought, this would perhaps be better as a stand-alone line) Chapter 2: ● The field was [a] on [a] steep incline... (‘a’ needs to be removed after ‘was’) ●...even though it felt very much like she was awake[.] If she [had] allowed herself to peer at the empty glass at her bed... ● This is what people who are asleep do (can be cut; not necessary. If not, better as a stand-alone line) ● He was not up to much talking in the morning[,] but just seeing him there... ● Jinger was not sure if her sister, Jessica, even knew what an [x-ray] was ...’ (Here, ‘x?-ray’ is in italics, but not sure why) ● Jessica did not care about having a conversation [anyway] (here, you can take out ‘anyway’) ● Jinger knew that the ‘various reasons’ included her dad and Helen being called to see her form teacher because she had let her grades slip...’ (Perhaps Jinger should tell her parents about the bullying? It’ll perhaps make the reason for her having to change schools more valid? Just a thought) ●...she loved the Barleys [as if] they were her own family ● Most of it was from Jessica [anyway][,] so she had not seen the point (no need for ‘anyway’ here. Also, perhaps add a comma before ‘so’) ●...[Pretty] Jessica knew that Jinger would not make a fuss... (‘Pretty’ isn’t really needed here; already established earlier) ● You’ll be fine, sweetheart, he said[, adding] (A full stop after ‘he said’ and ‘no time’; capital ‘A’ in ‘Although) ● Sitting opposite the bus [stop] ● [The girl called] Tabs held up her hands [in an exaggerated way]. (no need for ‘the girl called;’ we’ve already been introduced to Tabs as a character and now know her name) ● Tabs continued as though she did not need an answer [anyway]. (Don’t need ‘anyway’ here) ● ‘I’m Tabitha Barker and this – ‘ she paused for effect, [pointing] at the boy sitting next to her, ‘– is Felix Baldwin.’ ● Instead of ‘she felt a bolt of shooting nervousness’ try ‘a bolt of nerves shot through her body.’

Very well written. Everything flows very well as the story forms and the character develops. The story has a grim side to it and a different voice. The title is good. Nice work with this. Shelby Z./Driving Winds P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Thank you again for another great chapter critique of "Tamria". Looking forward to the next! James "Tamria" *** CHAPTER 16 “December the 21st” – not “December 21st” ? “chopping heap after heap of dark green herbs Felix did not know the name of.” –> “chopping heap after heap of unfamiliar dark green herbs” ? “‘Well since it’s your birthday. Let’s see.’” – is there a reason this is two separate sentences? –> “‘Well since it’s your birthday, let’s see.’” “made a big show of looking through the cupboards.” – although this isn’t a crit as such, I wonder if you need the word “big”. “made a show of looking through the cupboards” is better. The word “big” seems to be implied in the phrase “make a show.” “looking like a disk of smudged chalk above the trees.” – this is VERY good description! “Felix had no intention of going to the temporary classroom. He did not even walk close enough to them to hear the whining from inside.” – who does the “them” refer to? Lose it. –> “Felix had no intention of going to the temporary classroom. He did not even walk close enough to hear the whining inside.” “mottled light… leafless branches” – great visual description “black school shoes” – very tiny crit, but do we need “school”? We know they’re his school shoes, and that expectation is reinforced by their being black. Just “black shoes”. “He had seen it from a distance…” – because this is a long sentence I feel it might benefit from a comma. –> “He had seen it from a distance when his dad made them do cross-country around the lake at the beginning of the First Year, and thought it looked frightening then.” “It was built…” – second “it” feels extraneous. This flows better. Since the next sentence begins “It”, might be a good idea to take this one out, to avoid repetition. –> “It was built out of some kind of grayish stone with high windows in its curved walls, and had a flat roof.” “Felix reminded himself that he was only eleven when he had seen it first” –> “Felix reminded himself that he was only eleven when he saw it first” ? A bit neater? “more like a place of incarceration than education” – HA HA HA! BRILLIANT! Apt phrase to describe the American public education system. (And our British one ain’t too much better…) “it reflected attractively in the shiny lake and it was much larger close up than Felix had thought.” – lose the second “it”, the sentence will work better without it. –> “it reflected attractively in the shiny lake and was much larger close up than Felix had thought.” “He smoothed his short curly hair down in the same way as Felix had by the lake” –> “He smoothed his short curly hair in the same way Felix had by the lake”. Feel you don’t need “as” or “down”. “clapping each other on the back” –> how about “clapping each others’ backs” ? “On the paragraph starting “The birthday cake” you have an unwanted paragraph indent. “He stood part way up the field” –> “He stood partway up the field” “At the same moment as the crowd cheered, there came a chorus of howls from further up the mountain.” – don’t need “as”. –> “At the same moment the crowd cheered, there came a chorus of howls from further up the mountain.” “wolf shape” – maybe “wolf form” ? “For a moment it looked as though the two groups would attack each other.” – “like” or “as if” instead of “as though”. You use “as though” a lot. –> “For a moment it looked as if the two groups would attack each other.” “symbolic of the Upper School pupils becoming part of the bigger Murkle wolf community.” –> how about “symbolic of the Upper School pupils’ induction into the Murkle wolf community” ? “induction into” is slightly neater than “becoming part of”. “the wolves play-fought and wrestled on the ground before running off together towards the woods” – how about “hurtling towards the words” ? That’s a more descriptive word than “running off”. “she said, confusing Felix slightly with her quick change of subject.” –> “the quick change of subject” ? “Felix wondered if he would have time…” – change to “He”, since we know who it refers to in this paragraph. Don’t have to repeat Felix’s name. “Jinger looked surprised and then very sad. For a moment she looked like she might just walk away…” – “looked” used twice in these two sentences. There must be a different word you can use. “then very sad…”, “then she shouted..”. “Then she walked away.” – all in the same (short) paragraph. You could easily take two of them out. –> “For a moment she looked like she might just walk away, but she shouted…”, “She walked away.” “It occurred to Felix lamely that she had not saved him.” – interesting use of “lamely”, which isn’t a commonly-used verb. To make it more interesting, I’d make that the start of this sentence. “Lamely, it occurred to Felix that she had not saved him.” “he should have said thank you to her for trying.” – don’t need “to her”. –> “he should have said ‘thank you’ for trying.” “It was as though Jinger thought…” – another “as though”. You have five in this chapter. Use “as if”. “the wolves in the wood began howling again loudly.” – I feel the adverb is unnecessary. Just “the wolves in the wood began howling again.” The verb “howl” strongly implies loudness. Ever heard of anyone/anything howling quietly? “The last wolves from the crowd…” – long sentence, needs two commas. –> “The last wolves from the crowd to reach the edge of the woods were disappearing from view, and Felix felt a stab of disappointment inside, so raw that he almost staggered over backwards.” HOW many times is the word “woods” used in this chapter? 17!!! There are two paragraphs in which it appears twice. I know a writer of your skill and imagination can come up with a synonym. “forest”. You could even use “jungle”, when it’s clear from the context that you don’t mean a tropical jungle, more a “jungle” in the sense of a dense, overgrown forest. (I use that word once or twice to describe the Twisted Forest.) “shred of fear” – clever word choice. “scraping himself on the bark in the same places as he had that morning in the gravel.” – don’t need “as” –> “scraping himself on the bark in the same places he had that morning in the gravel.”

Lucy, What a wonderful beginning! Everything about this is working and I am so happy I decided to back your book. I love the style of your voice, while it requires concentration to get the full effect, I think its definitely worth reading your words slower than the other fast-paced, "read the first chapter in a minute" stories. I can definitely tell your reading preferences have influenced your work (in a good way) because your writing is reminiscent of the great fantasies of our time, but its completely your own. Here are some notes: I love how you describe the moon. The moon is described so much in literature that it had become cliche, but you have done the impossible, you have made it unique and fresh. I especially love the "diamond voice." The only thing I noticed in the first chapter (and this is completely personal preference) is the use of but at the beginning of sentences too often. It distracts me, but that is more nit-picky than anything. Chapter two is very interesting and I like Jinger already. I care what she thinks and I'm interested in learning more about her and Murkle (I love the setting). Anyways, I am very happy I backed your book! I will be back to read more of it! Kayla Shaw Philosophia

LOL. At this rate, I'm going to finish reviewing your book before you're halfway through mine. Come on, keep 'em coming! I'm counting on your critique. James *** CHAPTER 14 “She had only missed two lessons and asked Tabs lots of questions about them during supper.” – instead of “asked Tabs lots of questions” (which sounds a bit dull) how about “prodded Tabs with questions” ? –> “She had only missed two lessons and prodded Tabs with questions about them during supper.” “Jinger suspected Tabs was more concerned about what she ought to say than about Jinger’s feelings” – no need to repeat Jinger’s name. –> “Jinger suspected Tabs was more concerned about what she ought to say than about her feelings” “To save Tabs any embarrassment” –> how about “To spare Tabs embarrassment” ? “her granny had been so upset after her granddad had gone missing” –> how about “her granny had been so upset after granddad’s disappearance” ? Shorter and tidier. “But however tired she felt” –> “But no matter how tired she felt” ? “noticed light coming from underneath the door of Dr Skinner’s office.” – since you had “soft strip of light coming in between the curtains” a few paragraphs before (similar), maybe a different verb. –> “noticed light peeking underneath the door of Dr Skinner’s office.” Or even “noticed a crack of light under the door to Dr Skinner’s office.” “Tabs half-whispered and half-shouted.” – feel the “and” could be replaced with a comma. –> “Tabs half-whispered, half-shouted.” “lent forward” – wrong verb spelling. –>Should be “leant”. “lent” is the past tense of “lend” (to give away), not “lean”. “follow her out of the dorm room” – I’d lose “of”. –> “follow her out the dorm room”. “change right in front of her” – a more exciting word than “change”, maybe. You’ve used it a few times, and it’s repeated twice here. How about “transform” ? “stairs leading up to the dorm rooms” – how about “stairs leading up to the dorms”. The word “room” appears five times in this chapter. “Taps replied, sniggering again.” – this is fine as is, but I don’t think you need “Tabs replied.” Just “Tabs sniggered again.” –> “‘I wouldn’t worry about him. He won’t be back for ages. We just saw him outside.’ Tabs sniggered again.” “Whatever it was which made people change” – “that” instead of “which”. –> “Whatever it was that made people change”. “Jinger tried to fake sounding surprised” –> I’d have “Jinger tried to fake surprise”. “There was a large window behind her, casting her in silhouette.” – rather, the light from the window is casting her in silhouette, not the window itself. –> “There was a large window behind her, the light casting her in silhouette.” “‘Come on Tabs.” – Jinger’s addressing her friend so this needs a comma before “Tabs”. –> “‘Come on, Tabs.’” “suddenly looking so angry Jinger barely recognised her.” –> “suddenly looking so angry that Jinger barely recognised her”. CHAPTER 15 The last chapter ended with Jinger, this one starts with Ms Flapp, but begins “She”. Most readers would assume the “she” to be Jinger, and only realise otherwise at the second paragraph. I’d start this chapter with Ms Flapp, then. –> “Ms Flapp shut her bedroom door and sat back down at her desk.” “For Ms Flapp there were some good things about living at the school.” – feel this sentence would benefit from a comma. –> “For Ms Flapp, there were some good things about living at the school.” “away from being a teacher” –> “away from her responsibilities as a teacher” ? “they would have chatted about whatever was troubling Tabs until the she felt better.” – the “the” is a typo. “Murkle had been her home for nearly her whole life.” – lose the first “her” to avoid repetition. –> “Murkle had been home for nearly her whole life.” “when she was only fifteen years old.” – do you need the “years old” ? –> “when she was only fifteen.” “caused by her mother and father’s manic preoccupation about her learning” –> “caused by her parents’ manic preoccupation with learning”. One less “her”. “had the most interest in Ms Flapp’s story” –> “took the most interest” ? “In later years, Ms Flapp could not recall any other from that frenzied crowd than the journalist from the most local paper.” –> “In later years, Ms Flapp could not recall anyone from that frenzied crowd other than the journalist from the most local paper.” “fifteen year old Ms Flapp” –> “fifteen-year-old Ms Flapp”. (I know, I know, don’t shoot me!) “This term, it seemed as though Fran thought she had a new kind of story.” – don’t need “as though” –> “This term, it seemed Fran thought she had a new kind of story.” “Fran had already sent a dozen links leading to websites” – don’t need “leading”, that’s conveyed in the noun “link”. –> “Fran had already sent a dozen links to websites explaining…” “that was exactly the same time as the star would explode.” – don’t need “as”. Maybe “exactly the same time” could be shortened to “the exact time”. –> “According to most of the websites, the Mayan calendar ran out on 21st December 2012, and that was the exact time the star would explode.” “Ms Flapp dearly hoped it would happen in Arthur’s lifetime if not her own.” –> “Ms Flapp dearly hoped it would happen in Arthur’s lifetime, if not her own.” “was intending to have published in The Brink Herald.” –> “was intending to publish” “Its headline read, Could The Murkle Moon Save The World…” – comma should be a colon. “intrigued but very worried” –> “intrigued but concerned” ? “might want the Mayan predictions about the end of the world to come true.” – I honestly don’t think you need ‘’about the end of the world”. Almost everyone nowadays is familiar with the Mayan predictions (at least in vague outline), and you’ve already stated what the predictions are. This is more words than necessary. –> “might want the Mayan predictions to come true.” “unwritten but fully understood” –> do you mean “unwritten but implied” ? “Maybe Arthur would know exactly how to stop the paper publishing the story” –> “stop the paper from publishing the story”. “Either or.” – as I pointed out in a previous chapter, needs a comma. –> “Either, or.” Another excellent chapter ending. I think I’ve guessed already that the world’s savior is to be not Arthur but Jinger. It looks like an obvious red herring.

Thank you again for your ongoing chapter-by-chapter review of "Tamria". Here's my review of your next three chapters. As always, the writing is very well-polished and there's very little for me to fault. I'll be surprised if this doesn't get a good review on the Editor's Desk. I like how each chapter ends on a cliff-hanger and am particularly enjoying seeing how the different characters' storylines interlock. Arthur is an endearing character who strongly reminds me of a character in my story (regrettably not seen until Book Two - a curmudgeonly ninety-eight-year-old magician and stargazer called Doctor Cornelius. He was sneakily modelled on the Doctor Cornelius in C.S. Lewis's "Prince Caspian" - my story is replete with references to other fantasy works. Also like Arthur, he has an abiding interest in the stars and a flawless memory. Funny how two writers with such different stories can think alike!) I'm really enjoying reading this and benefiting greatly from the critique you're giving. I have one request, could you read my next two chapters together? Chapter 9 ("Crash Landing") is very short and Chapter 10 ('The Unfathomable Being") you will definitely enjoy, it's where No-Name starts to become an important character. I know you like No-Name, and you'll like him even more after that chapter! Looking forward to your next review!!! James *** CHAPTER 11 “It’s A Shore Thing” – because this is a shop name, should it be italicized? “She was probably blocking the front door in the same way as the unsold stock blocked the one at the back.” – you don’t need “as”, it’s grammatically incorrect. –> “She was probably blocking the front door in the same way the unsold stock blocked the one at the back.” “the wolves that supposedly still roamed in the woods” – feel like you could lose “in”. –> “that supposedly roamed the woods” “Douglas’ father” – I know people differ on the use of apostrophes after names ending “s”, but my preference is for an “s” after the apostrophe. “Douglas’s”. When the word isn’t a name, the apostrophes stands alone. (i.e. “princess’”.) You’re free to use whichever convention you like, of course. “Jessica complained she was feeling sick before they had even left the harbour” –> this is absolutely fine as it is, but a slightly shorter version might be: “Jessica complained of sea-sickness before they even left the harbour.” Or even “complained of feeling sick” (instead “complained she was feeling sick”.) “She stroked the outside of the boat and gestured that there was something she wanted to show him.” – “indicated” instead of “gestured”? “The boat itself was never seen again either.” – this is passive. You might get away with this, but if you want to put into active: “Nobody ever saw the boat again, either.” “Her mute grief streamed” – lovely phrase! “The Brink Herald” – this is the name of a newspaper and newspapers are always italicized in fiction. “Douglas could hardly face the crossword any more than he could the order form” –> “Douglas could no more face the crossword than he could the order form”. This is slightly shorter and neater. After the sentence “She paused and Douglas could hear…” you have a stray indent (probably because you had a paragraph break there earlier.) This is my thanks for pointing out that stray apostrophe in Chapter 8. Excellent chapter ending! CHAPTER 12 “They were not, however, ordinary foxes.” –> “These were not”, perhaps? “perfectly snowy white” – I would think “snow-white”, not “snowy white”. “as the pupils filed passed” –> “filed past”, not “passed” “After a couple of minutes…” – I’d split this sentence. The “and they” feels clumsy, and it’s a long sentence without punctuation. Also “gathered”, not “gathered together”. (“together” is implied in the word “gathered”). –> “After a couple of minutes the whole class had walked past every cage. They gathered at the end furthest from the door.” “The foxes started whining again.” –> “The foxes started to whine again.” ? “Jinger was glad for a moment…” – long sentence without punctuation. Introduce a comma. “Jinger was glad for a moment that they were not having this lesson in the middle, although oddly the Moon was still visible in the chilly blue sky.” “Back inside, the barking and snarling started again” –> “resumed” instead of “started again”? “‘So any thoughts?” –> “‘So, any thoughts?’” You seem well researched on the subject of foxes and selective breeding? Are you a trained veterinarian? CHAPTER 13 “sitting with his legs set widely apart” –> “sitting with his legs widely spread” ? “Her heart began racing faster” – this is something I’ve been brought up on, a lot of sentences using the construction “began doing something” / “began to do something”. Tidier would be –> “Her heart quickened when she said the word ‘choice’.” “Either or.” – needs a comma. “Either, or.” “alright” –> is this an American or English spelling? I’ve always been told to spell it “all right” “She flicked through her emails” –> “She scanned her emails” ? “Arthur was quietly humming with his eyes shut and spinning in his leather chair.” –> “Arthur was quietly humming, his eyes shut and spinning in his leather chair”. “Ms Flapp shut her emails” – can you “shut” an email? Maybe “Ms Flapp dismissed her emails.” (In the sense of “dismissing” a window from a computer screen by pressing Close.) “‘I’ll put the kettle on, Arthur,’ she said in a voice which made him understand…” – needs a comma for sentence flow. “‘I’ll put the kettle on, Arthur,’ she said, in a voice which made him understand…” “Ms Flapp liked Arthur very much and this was her favourite thing about him of all.” – “of all” is unnecessary and a tautology (“her favourite thing about him”). –> “Ms Flapp liked Arthur very much, and this was her favourite thing about him.” “‘Or was she an astronomer like you?’ Ms Flapp asked, as usual preferring to ask questions than answer them.” –> “‘Or was she an astronomer like you?’ Ms Flapp preferred to ask questions rather than answer them.” Your version is fine, but you seem to have quite a few sections of dialogue ending “X said, doing Y”. (i.e. Ms Flapp’s next words; “’You,’ Ms Flapp said, thinking that they might have found their answer at last.’”) This is for variation. “She had seemed upset about her grandmother although not in any way inconsolable” – think the introduction of a comma would improve this sentence –> “She had seemed upset about her grandmother, though not in any way inconsolable.” “He could remember all the surnames as easily as he could the stars.” – how about “effortlessly” instead of “easily” ? “The Fifth Years gave nervous presentations to the rest of the class to go alongside their sprawling charts.” – ‘to go” isn’t needed. –> “The Fifth Years gave nervous presentations to the rest of the class alongside their sprawling charts.” “all overlapping and interlinked” –> “all interlinked and overlapping” ? *** “as though” appears a lot. Do a word check. I’ve found 4 in this chapter. Try to avoid using a particular type of phrase. *** “He realised that it was time he went back to his wife and his son.” – you could probably lose the second “his”. –> “his wife and son”

Another excellent chapter. I'm having a hard time finding things to crit in your writing. The shortness of your chapters (in comparison to mine) is definitely a strength of your book. The one thing I'd watch out for is over-use of adverbs, and repetition of the word "really" (do a word check on this page and see how many times it crops up in places.) Only a few suggestions here, I hope you'll find them useful. Thanks again for another fantastic chapter critique on "Tamria"! James *** CHAPTER 10 First paragraph – I know you like “an adverb or thirty” (your words), but you have four in this para. “anxiously”, “really”, “actually” and “usefully.” I think you might take one or two of those out. I’m cutting out a lot of the adverbs in mine. “it would make a nice change to actually learn something in a lesson” –> “it would make a nice change to learn something in a lesson, for once.” “she might as well use this time usefully” –> “she might as well put this time to use” “and every question a pupil asked” – lose “asked”. –> “every question a pupil asked was being etched into her mind…” Next scene: introduce a comma to this sentence. “At Brink Stenton Sports and Community College, lessons had not been easy for Jinger.” “After some months, Jinger’s dad let her use his laptop in the evening and he showed her how to find information on the internet.” – lose the “he”, the sentence flows better without it. –> “After some months, Jinger’s dad let her use his laptop in the evening and showed her how to find information on the internet.” “To her regret, initially Jinger had put up her hand…” – change “initially” to “at first”. –> “To her regret, at first Jinger had put up her hand…” One less adverb. “Jessica was horrified. She could not stand the attention and praise Jinger got.” – “received” instead of “got” ? “Mr Newton suggested that the twins ought to be separated” – lose “ought to”. –> “Mr Newton suggested that the twins be separated, preferably put in different classrooms.” “After Astronomy finished” – although not grammatically wrong, “finished” feels redundant. “After Astronomy, all the Second Years went to the canteen…” “Tabs quickly added” – “She quickly added” (Tabs’s name was mentioned a few sentences earlier, so doesn’t need to be repeated.) “‘I’ve read a lot of books,’ Jinger said, pleased that for once that would not be seen as a bad thing.” –> “‘I’ve read a lot of books,’ Jinger said, pleased for once that would not be seen as a bad thing.”

CHIRG Review: Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon As many before me have noted, your opening line is wonderful. I read the prologue and first 2 chapters and found the pace and character development wonderful. A great read for the young adult/ teen audience. I hoped the short pitch was a bit better to catch the reader. You do need an edit to tighten the story up and smooth out the tenses. I found myself having to re-read a few lines. Upforgrabs, did break down some editing very well in her comments.so there is no need for me to repeat her suggestions. I can see this story going far and is highly starred. JJ Marro

Lucy, I agree with one of the comments below - I was hooked by the first line too. What is so special about this book is the originality of the MC - I became fond of Arthur before the end f the first chapter. Your narrative bounces along jauntily and carried me with it. You have a real way with words, light-hearted but soulful. I will put you on my shelf and come back for more over the next few days. Melissa Lessons in the Dark

CHAPTER 9 “to take her first lesson this year” –> “to take her first lesson of the year”. Or perhaps even just “her first lesson”. “at eleven o’clock” – do we need the “o’clock?” Just “to take her first lesson with the Second Year Astronomy class at eleven.” “He gently spun in his leather chair wondering if he should doze off before or after he had a snack.” – needs a comma to break up the sentence. Also, I’d swap “gently spun” around. –> “He spun gently in his leather chair, wondering if he should doze off before or after he’d had a snack.” “increasingly hilarious suggestions” –> “increasingly-hilarious suggestions” “he thought ruefully, as he had done many times before.” – take out “done”. –> “he thought ruefully, as he had many times before.” “a hundred and twelve years old” –> “a-hundred-and-twelve years old”. But maybe you don’t need the “years old”. –> “For Arthur, being one-hundred-and-twelve had some benefits. The most obvious was not being dead, like most people his age.” “As well as this, he had found” –> “He had also found” “Everyone treated elderly people like this” –> how about “This was how everyone treated elderly people” “But Arthur was nothing like other elderly people” –> “But Arthur was nothing like other old people.” Don’t repeat “elderly”. “two half pints” –> “two half-pints” “chewing gum” –> “chewing-gum” “So possibly Arthur deserved a little sleep.” –> “So maybe Arthur deserved a little sleep.” “But a nervous sun” – long sentence, needs a comma. –> “But a nervous sun was starting through the morning mist despite the Murkle Moon’s best attempts to block it, and that meant the proper thing to do was start some work.” “but definitely work straight after that” –> “but definitely work afterwards.” “He had been more impressed to see that particular piece of new observatory equipment that any other when he had returned from his retirement” –> “He had been more impressed by that new piece of observatory equipment than any other when he returned from retirement.” “He had not written any notes on what he had discovered so far” –> “He had not written any notes on his discoveries so far”. That’s a very long sentence. Definitely have to break it up. –> “He had not written any notes on his discoveries about the wandering Murkle Moon so far. Arthur had no need for notes. Nor was there any need to look through any book on the shelves to check the facts against his findings. He had no need for books, not once he had read them.” “No, he did not have anything new to add to this familiar question either.” – if he has nothing new to add to it, it’s obviously a familiar question. So take “familiar” out. –> “No, he did not have anything new to add this question either.” “Time to try a new question, Arthur, he told himself.” – take out “he told himself.” –> “Time to try a new question, Arthur. Why did the Moon move on New Year’s Eve 1999…” “Arthur thanked May” –> “Arthur thanked her”. May’s name appeared in the last sentence. “after he had finished teaching for the day.” – lose “for the day.” –> “he was in the habit of going home after he had finished teaching.” “barely touched book collection” –> “barely-touched book collection” “she declared enthusiastically” – lose this. Her enthusiasm is conveyed by the words (and the exclamation mark.) Keep the dialogue unbroken. “‘Arthur Oldham, all this is just fascinating! I can’t help but wonder what it all is.’” “then added hopefully” –> “then added in a hopeful tone”. One less adverb. “copper coloured” –> “copper-coloured” “‘you spend too long in this stuffy tower.’” –> “‘you spend too much time in this stuffy tower.’” “‘look at the erm…. Interesting sky while it’s dark.’” – needs comma before “erm” –> “‘look at the, erm… interesting sky while it’s dark.’” “out of the back door” – lose “of”. –> “out the back door”. “‘But there,’ he said, pointing out into the darkness,” – how about “tracing a finger across the sky” instead of the rather bland “pointing out into the darkness”. And “added” instead of “said.” –> “‘But there,’ he added, tracing a finger across the sky, ‘is the constellation we call Half Hopscotch…’” “Arthur was stopped by May’s determined kisses.” –> “cut off” instead of “stopped”. “A short time later that night” – lose “that night”, we know it’s night-time. And it’s not going to be daytime if it’s “a short time later”! –> “A short time later, Arthur woke…” “ran as well as he could” –> “ran as fast as he could” “he whispered loudly” – how can you whisper loudly? Lose the adverb. “As he got closer to her” –> either “As he got close to her” or “As he drew close he saw why she was making so much noise.” “‘walk slowly towards the sound of my voice.’” – “toward” not “towards”. “‘walk slowly toward the sound of my voice.’” “she screamed, sounding like a woman who was about to lose control” – this isn’t really “showing” much. How about “she screamed, her voice rising to a fearful pitch.” That’s not fantastic but it’s a start. “And then the school field was flooded with moonlight.” – don’t need the word “school”, we know it’s the school field. “And then the field flooded with moonlight.” “towards the lake” –> “toward the lake” “afraid of the sudden illumination” –> “startled by the illumination.” “Arthur gently led the shaking woman back to the school building.” – that’s three “gently”s in this chapter. Use a different adverb or get rid of it altogether. “Arthur carefully led the shaking woman back to the school building.” “the Moon might sometimes step in” –> how about “the Moon might sometimes intervene when a life was at risk, and that might explain…” “a secret she kept almost until the moment she died.” –> “a secret until the day she died.” (By having “almost until the moment she died” it’s clear that she reveals this secret *on her deathbed*, which means her last day. But “until the day she died” is shorter and neater.)

CHAPTER 8 “The dorm room” – don’t need room. Just “The dorm was empty when Jinger got back.” “None of the other Second Year girls” – we know that only girls are staying in this dormitory, and Second Year girls, so have one or the other. Either “None of the other girls were there” or “None of the other Second Years were there.” I’d have the first. Ok, the word “bed” is used 19 times in this chapter! You need some of these words out or find good substitutions for “bed”. “Bunk” is a start. “Jinger was tired of not understanding how this strange school worked; with its weird teachers, very casual breakfasts and now this” –> would flow better if the semi-colon was a comma. And introduce another comma before “and”. –> “Jinger was tired of not understanding how this strange world worked, with its weird teachers, very casual breakfasts, and now this.” “chestnut coloured bag” – “chestnut-coloured” “‘You wouldn’t want to erm… ruin your one,’ she added tactfully.” – needs comma before “erm”. –> “‘You wouldn’t want to, erm… ruin your one,’ she added tactfully.” “pink and black bag” –> “pink-and-black bag” “the dressing gown stage” –> “the dressing-gown stage” “Jinger tried not keep looking between the door and her watch.” –> “Jinger tried not to keep looking…” “twisted… round her fingers” –> “around” “Jinger was almost ready to think that it was not a dream at all.” –> “Jinger was almost beginning to think it was not a dream at all.” “Tabs said to Jinger” –> “Tabs told her”. Jinger’s name appeared in the last sentence. “all of them were girls except Felix” –> “except for Felix”. “Then, in a move which lately always seemed to indicate impending embarrassment for Jinger” –> “Then, in a move which lately seemed to promise impending embarrassment for Jinger” “A look of horror swept over his face, to be replaced a second later with unmistakable hostility.” –> “A look of horror swept over his face, replaced a second later with unmistakable hostility.” “Pushing it from her mind” –> “Pushing the thought aside” ? “Jinger said she was tired to stop any of them seeing her babyish tears.” – “Jinger said she was tired to stop any of them from seeing her babyish tears.” “January the 1st 2000” –> “January 1st 2000” “Jessica did not forget this.” – you’re returning the narrative to the present, to “Jessica had not forgotten this.” “story surrounding their birth’ –> “story of their birth” “she said, smiling nastily at Jinger.” – to avoid having an adverb here (your writing has quite a few of them) –> “she said, with a nasty smile at Jinger.” “the instantly unfashionable thousand years before.” –> “the instantly-unfashionable thousand years before.” “recently returned necklace” –> “recently-returned necklace” “Jinger unclasped the necklace” – to avoid repeating the word “necklace” –> “Jinger undid the clasp and stuck the thing in her pocket.” “She pulled the zip shut” –> how about “She drew the zip” “Felix whispered loudly enough” –> “Felix whispered loud enough.” “But only moments later he did something so kind that she instantly changed her mind.” –> “But moments later he did something that made her instantly change her mind.” IMPORTANT NOTE: Do a search on this page of the letters “ly”. It’ll highlight in yellow all your adverbs. (Well, in addition to non-adverbs like “early”, “only” and “family.”) In some places, you have a LOT of adverbs. Think carefully about which ones you want to keep and which to lose. This is one of the best things you can do to strengthen your writing. My own book is currently undergoing The Great Adverb Purge. “Execute Order 66!”

CHAPTER 7 “Firstly” – I would have “First”, it just sounds better than “Firstly” Word repetition: the word “breakfast” is used six times in this chapter. What alternative words are there? ”mealtime” and "repast' are two that spring to mind. “‘You did well with that er…. Incident last night, Jinger’” – needs extra comma. “‘You did well with that, er… incident last night, Jinger.’” “loosening some of the smaller pieces of trapped cereal onto the floor and wandered off through the wooden doors” – consider changing “and wandered” to “before wandering” “She burped softly” – I just feel the adverb isn’t needed. –> “She burped and went back to eating.” “Being careful to scrape her chair back” –> “Taking care to scrape her chair back” “She made her way out of the front door and down the wide stone steps that she had come up with Tabs and Felix yesterday evening.” –> “She made her way out the front door and down the wide stone steps, the same ones she had climbed with Tabs and Felix the previous evening.” “She stood on the drive and turned around to have a look at the building in daylight for the firs time.” – shorten it a bit. “She stood on the drive and took her first look at the building in daylight.” “nice looking place” – “nice-looking” “; neatly squared and in pale yellow stone” – semi-colon should be colon, or better a comma. How about “the brick a pale yellow” instead. –> “It was a nice-looking place, the walls neatly squared, the brick a pale yellow.” “It looked the way Jinger imagined a manor house should.” –> “It looked how Jinger imagined a manor house should.” “There was a tower at the back…” – long sentence, needs a comma to break It up. “There was a tower at the back, so tall that she could see it over the roof from where she was standing.” (Don’t need “on the drive”, we’ve just been told where she’s standing.) “To be investigated another time.” – I know this is a thought bubble and italicized, but maybe add “she told herself” to further emphasize its importance. “To be investigated another time, she told herself.” “a postman in a hurry” – how about “a harried-looking postman” ? “But Jinger was puzzled when she saw whose handwriting it was in, and was even more baffled when she sat on the stairs and saw what dropped out.” –> “But Jinger was puzzled when she recognized the handwriting. She was even more baffled when she sat on the stairs, and something slipped out.” Note that I split the sentence, it feels a better way to the end the chapter.

~Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon by Lucy Middlemass~ Lucy, this is one of the best book’s I’ve read here on Authonomy! This is EXACTLY the sort of book I’ve been looking to read all these years! You should be VERY proud indeed of this beautiful work. Its beautiful simplicity is reminiscent of Kensuke’s Kingdom, The Alchemist, The Prophet and The Old Man and The Sea. The opening is, what can I say, GENIUS! It reeled me in straight away. ‘Arthur was finding it difficult to die...Death had simply passed him by.’ Wow, seriously, this book NEEDS to be on everyone’s shelf – it’s a modern classic. And I seriously can’t believe I hadn’t read this until now. I’ve read the first five chapters today, but can’t wait to read the rest on holiday next week! Plus, my dad would absolutely LOVE this, so I’ll make sure I recommend this to him. In fact, I think I might just give this to him for his birthday on Father’s Day! Backed all the way to the ED, six stars (I would give more if I could) and highly-recommended! You’d be a fool to miss this complete and utter gem! Iman xxx Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Lucy I have made my way back to read further. Again I am a fan of your efficient writing style and enriching characters. You captured prepubescent adolesence extraordinarily well. Jinger's conflicts are worn on her sleeves and can be easily extrapolated. Pippa, Suki, and Sasha are being fleshed out well and see where you bring more comedic relief to make them jump off the page. The quality of your editing really shines through each chapter I read. By nature I border on OCD looking at details in my work and the several papers I write in my day job. So when I ramp it up looking for grammatical or phrase errors I am at a loss here. It tells me you have a strict code of editing which is to be commended. Now I will get back to your magical world and journey on.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

CHIRG Review. Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. Firstly, I love this title, just rolls off the tongue. Prologue - Very good opening line and a nice decription of Arthur, tired of life and feeling he's been around way too long. Also I feel it's really original to have someone so elderly as one of your MC's, especially with the audience your book is targeted at. Not sure if you need 'Suddenly, a light in the sky...' The Moon's sudden appearance, after being hidden all night, would get his attention and I feel this could be left out. Arthur's conversation with the Murkle Moon, who seems to know him well, has a comedic yet sinister feel about it. A good hook to draw a reader on. I noticed you seem to use 'that' quite a lot - maybe consider cutting it if it's not needed. The same with Arthur's name. The reader knows he is alone, except from when the Murkle Moon puts in an appearance, and I think it slows the flow. Chapter 1 - In the first five paragraphs I like Jinger's rebellious streak, which contrasted with her tolerance towards her domineering sister, Jessica. And there's an impression the school, Jinger's been unwilling put in, has some kind of weirdness going on in it. The relationship between Jinger and her sister is well-realised, especially the 'borrowing' bit, which rang true. Reading on there is growing confirmation the school is not a 'normal' one and the introduction of Tab and Felix was realistically done. Beautiful decription of the building at the end of the chapter. I have noticed, throughout both chapters, there is no comma before, but. Not sure if this is deliberate, if not, easy to edit. Chapter 2 - Lovely description of Arthur lying on the carpet and the prose continues in this vein, eg: 'Arthur's long life had taught hin almost nothing about patience.' Mrs. Flapp's dilemma when she was a child is a perfect depiction of a ditherer. The relationship between Arthur and Mrs. Flapp is most endearing, portrayed with gentle affection. Overall - Mystery and intrigue are brewing nicely, helped along by realistic dialogue and lovely prose as mentioned above. The characters are well-drawn, enabling the reader to get a mental picture of them easily and the wayward Murkle Moon, is wonderful. This book is something YA's or even younger chilren could get their teeth into, there's a quirky craziness they'd enjoy underpinned by a solid story. I think if it is promoted, should rise through the rankings without difficulty. High stars and on my watchlist waiting to be elevated once other committments have been fulfilled. Nanty - Chrys!

Hi, Lucy, YARG REVIEW: CHAPTER 1: I loved the opening, it took me right in. The way you got behind the old man (3rd pov) was well done. I saw and felt his emotions. That part about pretending he forgot his grandkids names was cute. And the feeling he lived long enough and that it made him happy was enough. I'm referring to spending chirstmas with the family. A sweet chapter beginning and a wonderful ending. ---I don't think you need the word 'suddenly' in this spot: I would just start out with = A light drew his attention to the sky. Because you also have sudden within that same paragraph. --The second suddenly = "Suddenly, a beam of light shout out. . . " is a good place for it. Is it shot out or shout out? --I don't know if you need to add "to each other" after the New Year bells because who else would each other be prasing? It's inferred. At least for me I got it, the rest was extra words. ---Arthur made his (way) along the bridge. I tihnk you forgot or it somehow got deleted the word 'way'. Great closing line and page turner. I enjoyed this chapter a great deal. The voice is soft and compelling. It is a mature tone and verges a bit on poertry at times. I liked it. CHAPTER 2: Loved that opening line. This chapter moved a lot slower. Don't know how you can make the pace speedier without giving up anything. The sentence structure is well crafted. No hanging sentences with prepositions or overly used 'ly' words and filter words. A great balance of story telling. ---the voice remains the same in this chapter. It's smart and mature. I get a lot of crap about that. That my character sounds older. Dunno. But I hate for YA to be dissmissed as too young to be clever. So, I liked the voice--i don't care if someone might not agree with me. --Here you switched the pov to include Jinger. When her sister is presented there was a slight pov mix up. This chapter is 3rd pov too, but, we are experiecing it through Jinger's eyes. Here's the part: Jessica did not care. . . --it can be construed as a Jessica thought and not a Jinger reaction.--Go back and take a peek at it. Jinger could simply says something like, she knew Jessica's motives . . . * don't like the sister's attitude* If that was your goal- you achieved it with me.. . Snob one! --Here I got confused: Why was this going to carry on for the rest of the night when it's daytime and they're at school? --How could Jinger tell that Tabs was worried about school this semester? What gave her that impression? You'll need to address this because it is a clarity issue. --I simply loved the ending line: "Grown up by itself from the land or, more unsettling, that it was being sucked back down." You have writing range and enormous potential.... Keep up the good work, I'll pass along your story for more reviews. I will add you to my shelf to boost you up ---I liked your story. Hoped you enjoyed mine as well. Starred highly.... Nancy Lopez Backward Glances

Had me from the first line.

Really enjoyed this, Lucy. Although the 'boarding school' scenario has been done before, this feels fresh and different to other YA stories I've read. The indications that there is something untoward about the school, combined with the mystery surrounding Arthur add to this and give the story a great deal of depth. The cliffhangers you use at the end of some of the chapters definitely have the desired effect of making the reader want to continue on. I didn't see any grammar errors, typos or formatting problems with this; it seems really well polished! Highly starred and keeping on my WL so I can read on! Effie.

YARG review: This is a delightful story that contains a healthy dose of dark, quirky humor: Arthur making “a real effort to give up being determined” so he can die, cars being swallowed by darkness, but if they head toward Murkle they “might be swallowed up by any number of things”, the world possibly ending and people thinking it might “be better confronted in at least pairs.” Jinger is a very likeable character, with her awkwardness, her inability to fit in anywhere, but also her determination to make the best of whatever situation she finds herself in whether finding a seat on a bus or attempting to be grateful for the schoolbag her sister mocks her for. The explanation of Jinger’s home situation seemed just a little tangled. When Jinger is first introduced it is hard to guess how old she might me; a ways into the chapter it is possible to calculate (she met Helen when she was eight, which was about four years ago). When Helen is first mentioned it wasn’t clear if she was a sister or what. It also takes a while after Jessica is first introduced for the reader to be told that she is Jinger’s twin sister, and not an older sister. I guess for me, I like to have a clear understanding of the character’s age and relationship to each other as soon as possible. A possible way of clarifying this might be: “a holiday with her dad, Helen and Jessica” could be “a holiday with her dad, her twin sister Jessica, and their stepmom (or their dad’s girlfriend) Helen.” Just a thought. I loved Ms Flapp’s indecisiveness over “equal options”—especially the faulty reasoning of those well-meaning individuals who give her a coin to flip. All your characters seem unique without being over-the-top, quirky caricatures. Great story!

My ongoing review, Chapters 4 to 6. I found the tragic / doomed "love story" in Chapter 6 very moving, especially the final line. My main concern in that chapter is your repetition of the word "telephone" (which crops up 11 times!), and overall the writing is very polished, but you could tighten it up in a few areas. Sometimes you overuse adverbs as well, but this is something of which I have also been accused. My suggestions are below. Eagerly awaiting your next review of "Tamria"! James "Tamria" *** Chapter 4 “It was as far as possible from the others as the space allowed” – a slight tautology here: “as possible” and “as… allowed” carry the same meaning. Maybe “It was as far from the others as space allowed” would work better. “although she felt uncomfortable when she noticed her own name had been ornately carved in the wooden headboard” – you might tighten this passage by removing the words “had been.” “when she” could be dropped as well. “although she felt uncomfortable noticing her own name ornately carved in the wooden headboard.” It’s fine as it is, though. “Lower School Hall” – is there a reason this is all in italics? And we know this is a school, so is that a word that needs to be repeated? “Downstairs in the Lower Hall, some of the pupils were already eating.” “flipped onto a plate already loaded with salad” – you had “already” a few sentences before. (“already eating.”) Maybe just “flipped onto a plate loaded with salad.”) “where Felix was already sitting” – again, the word “already.” That’s three “already”s in three paragraphs! “where Felix was sitting” or “where Felix had taken a seat.” “he waved at them again, unnecessarily Jinger thought.” – think about making “unnecessarily’ the start of a new sentence. “As they pulled back their chairs he waved at them again. Unnecessarily, Jinger thought.” “unpleasant looking meaty stew” – you know me and my hyphens. Need a hyphen here. “unpleasant-looking meaty stew.” “dressed like teachers everywhere did” – a better-sounding arrangement might be “dressed like teachers did everywhere”, or better yet, a simple “dressed like teachers everywhere” “He looked capable, restless and like he was eager to start the new term” – why the “like he” ? Recommend dropping it. “He looked capable, restless and eager to start the new term.” Dr Skinner – LOL, was this name choice deliberate? Straightaway I think of Principal Skinner from the Simpsons. (And the infamous Superintendent Chalmers rant: “Ski-i-i-i-NER!” *** Can’t help but noticing that you’re well into this scene and there hasn’t been a word of dialogue. This is a children’s book, and children above all except dialogue-rich writing. It reads more easily than descriptive prose, and when readers are picking a book off a bookshelf one of the first things they notice is the dialogue content. That’s a fact. The current generation is especially picky, having been weaned on a diet of Harry Potter and short-attention-span-demanding video games. You might have to think about putting more dialogue in this scene. I took out the prologue and first chapter of my book because they featured almost no dialogue. Most of the chapters in “Tamria” contain a balance of dialogue and narration, seldom featuring long passages of unbroken description. The only real exception is chapter 19, which is pure character-development and exposition. In short: consider rewriting parts of this scene to show your characters talking. *** “hardworking” – I’ve never seen this as a contiguous word, though Microsoft Word seems to accept it. “hard-working” is the convention. Good chapter ending! A great “hook.” Though I wonder if you might make this scene more dramatic. What are the reactions of the speaking principal and teachers, as well as the other pupils present? Are they aware of what’s going on? Is there a tumult? Is the Head indignant at being interrupted? These are things you might think of. ***** Chapter 5 “Felix suddenly coughed violently” – grammatically, there’s nothing wrong with this phrase, except perhaps for the juxtaposition of two adverbs (“suddenly” and “violently.” The “suddenly” might be implied in the word “violent”, which implies a sudden reaction.) But it’s what many would calling telling, not showing. I know, I know, I’ve been accused of the same myself, at times. I endeavour to “show” as much as possible, but at the same time I’m told to be lean and concise with my writing, and “showing” generally entails more words. I think every writer, even the best, “tells” on occasion. Here, you might consider building a better phrase. “Suddenly Felix coughed and gave a violent spasm, spittle and food spewing from his mouth.” OK, that’s only a start, but it’s something. “grabbed the disgusting pile” – you used the word “disgusting” two sentences ago. It’s a long word too so conspicuous in its repetition. There are so many alternatives. “revolting,” “repulsive”, those are just two. “the more experienced Second Year” – should this be “second-year” ? The capitals look strange to me. “‘It is pretty small.’ Jinger agreed.” – punctuation. You have a full-stop after “small”, where you should have a comma. Had to squint to see it. “There were some bits of her old school she still had not been to” – either “still hadn’t been to” or “she had still not been to” would flow better with the rest of this sentence. “at the top of the mountain” – appears in two consecutive paragraphs. Consider changing the second one, to avoid repetition. How about “mountain-peak” instead? “she thought she could see tiny square lights glowing through the trees on the mountain-peak.” “finished showing Jinger round” – “around” instead of “round” ? “occupied with emptying their staircase” – think you want the word “preoccupied” “confused looking glance” – another hyphen! “confused-looking” “dimly aware that although the other girls had got into their own beds and had turned the lights off” – the second “had” isn’t needed. Only one word, but it slows the sentence down. “dimly aware that although the other girls had got into their own beds and turned the lights off” Like a certain famous author of a certain well-known franchise featuring a certain well-known bespectacled boy-wizard, you seem to have a fondness for adverbs! Just do a word search on this page for all words ending “ly” and you’ll see what I mean! I’ve been accused of the same, but I’m working hard to trim most of the excess adverbs out and I don’t use quite so many. Think where you could remove the adverb or replace it with something else. “She was sure that” - “early morning dream” – “early morning” is being treated as an adjective, so it needs to be a single word. i.e. hyphenate. “early-morning dream.” “Jinger was surprised that there was any food there at all” – feel the word “that” can go. “Jinger was surprised there was any food there at all.” Another great end of chapter “hook”! “Unfortunately for them both, Forever had other ideas” – wonderful line! Very charming. “it stayed out of their reach” – how about “remained out of their reach” ? “Julia’s mother still lived next door which, although made for wonderful babysitting opportunities, left them with no privacy.” – missing word here. “it” needed after “although.” – >“Julia’s mother still lived next door which, although it made for wonderful babysitting opportunities, left them with no privacy.” “particularly exhausting part of the job for Julia” – “for Julia” is completely unnecessary. We know it’s her job. Also, this is a long sentence which might be trimmed in other places. “minimize how often it rang” could be “minimize the ringing.” –> “Answering the telephone was a particularly exhausting part of the job so Julia tried to send out enough letters to minimize the ringing.” “She always had to be careful about what she said on the telephone” – word repetition again (aargh! I know, shoot me please!), you had “telephone” in the last sentence. “She always hadto be careful what she said” – there, that’s shorter. “Her thought was interrupted by it ringing again straightaway” – is this better? “Her thought was interrupted by another immediate ring.” “came the reassuring voice” – I’ve been told NEVER to use this sort of dialogue construction. I don’t think I’ve ever used it myself. (If I have, point it out to me!) It’s not a favourite of agents and editors and you won’t see it in published fiction. “said a reassuring voice” is better. “‘Hi sweetheart, it’s me,’ said a reassuring voice.” “telephone her at work” – why not just “call her at work”? Are you aware that you have eleven repetitions of the word “telephone” in this chapter? You need to get rid of some of them! “came into the school office” – “came into” doesn’t really show anything. “stepped into” might be stronger. “pigeon hole” – “pigeon-hole”. Hyphens! “as she spoke” – this isn’t needed! It’s suggested in the fact that she is doing it in the sentence as she speaks! The “she asked” should go as well. “‘Can Douglas pick the girls up and bring them back later?’ She wheeled herself across the laminate flooring to check her low pigeon-hole for mail.” “‘Okay, I’ll telephone Douglas’” – get rid of some of these “telephone”s! “‘I’ll call Douglas,’” , “I’ll ring Douglas,’” “‘Okay, I’ll let Douglas know he needs to come and get the twins.” “She and Caroline might have been known each other since they started at this school as girls nearly forty years ago but Julia would still not let herself speak freely to her” – whew, long-winded! Not a single comma, either. The “since they started at this school…” could be shortened to a much simpler phrase. “She and Caroline might have known each other since attending this school forty years ago but Julia would still not herself speak freely to her.” “headed out of the school office” – why “school”? Lose it, we *know* this place is a school. Nip and tuck words wherever possible, your work will be stronger for it. Just “headed out of the office” “Julia telephone Douglas at the shop” – AAAAARGH! IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE TELEPHONES! Seriously though, you’ve use this word too many times. “called,” “rang,” “contacted,” “dropped Douglas a line.” Even “phoned,” the short version of “telephoned.” People in everyday conversation say “I’m going to phone so-and-so”, not “I’m going to telephone so-and-so”!!! “and was not surprised that Dorothy answered” – “was not surprised to hear Dorothy answer.” “she asked helpfully” – just lose it. The “helpfulness” of her tone is implied in the actual words of her dialogue (i.e. “lovey”). “but all of the tourists getting off the train” – feel you don’t need “all of.” “but the tourists getting off the train at Brink Station only wanted one thing.” “He was holding one hand of each little girl in each of his” – change the second “each” to “either.” “He was holding one hand of each little in either one of his” “put down the telephone once more” – I’m ordering a cull of “telephone”s in this chapter. There are alternative words. “put down the receiver”, there. This is a heart-rending end to the chapter but it all happens so quickly… (As, admittedly, real-life accidents often do.) The sudden crash and death of a character might be more effective if played out a little longer. It all happens in the space of a paragraph. If you were to break this paragraph up it would give the impression of the events taking longer, even though you didn’t actually use any more words. Just a thought. “fast flowing river” – “fast-flowing” “Douglas spent the rest of forever without his laughing girl next door” – excellent end-of-chapter line and I was actually moved. But shouldn’t “forever” be “Forever”, since that’s how you had it before? “Forever had other plans.” The fact that this was foreshadowed at the start of the chapter adds to the drama.

YARG review Hi, Lucy, I rarely read fantasy books, so it's hard for me to give a really detailed response as to what works and what doesn't. I saw one person comment that you should begin the book with Jinger. I think I'd disagree with that, because then your first few pages would more or less be about a girl getting ready for school. By having the first chapter with the old man, and the interaction with the moon, it better lets the reader know that something fantastic is going on. I was also particularly curious about why the beam of light from the moon high-lighted the house with the red roof. I don't know how all of this will affect the plot, but I'm sure I'll find out later, and that keeps the reader interested. I think it'd be less gripping to begin a story with a character eating breakfast and getting dressed for school. Keep it the way it is with the old man on new year's eve. I really liked the line, "The smell from Jessica's room was an unbreathable mix of hairspray and vanilla body mist." That really helps give the reader a sense of what it's like to be standing in the room. Very well done. I liked how you described her eyes as, "tepid hazel." Last, I like the line about how she would know what her sister "borrowed" from her room, after she realizes she hasn't seen it in some time. I think you do a good job of showing the relationship between the sisters in particular. All the best, Shaun Holt Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict / Columbian Death

CH 3 My promised review of chapter 3 - a short one so I finished it in no time. I enjoyed this chapter ,and some phrases really stuck out wonderfully, like "vivid dark eyes like flicks of calligraphy" and "snake-charmer's telescope." The biggest issue is the over-use of adverbs, which is apparent is in the first five or six paragraphs, and again at the end, where you have three in close proximity. It is possible to change adverbs into adjectives, and I have posted suggestions below. Enjoying your story and pleased by your critique as always. Well done! James "Tamria" “the young woman lying next to him” – you have the word “lying” twice in this paragraph. No biggie, but why not just “the young woman next to him”? “playfully nudged… finally finished… said a little gruffly… carefully calculated… shuffled gently… looked at her hopefully… generously leant… join him vertically” – eight adverbs in this chapter’s first six paragraphs. I know people have brought me up on occasional over-use of adverbs in my own writing, and I’m doing my best to eliminate them. Here you may have too many. Maybe “he said in a gruff voice”, or “snorted and gave the young woman next to him a playful nudge.” It’s not hard turning an adverb into an adjective. “murmured under her breath knowing that Arthur’s long life…” – feel you need a comma after “breath,” to improve the flow of this sentence. Otherwise that’s one long gasp to read. “murmured under her breath, knowing that…” “he pretended he did not notice her embarrassment” – how about “he pretended not to notice her embarrassment to save her feelings.” Better? “sat down at her desk” – lose “down,” it’s verbal baggage. “Ms Flapp sat at her desk.” “Ms Flapp felt that she need not have bothered to look up before” – look for unnecessary “that”s, they slow sentences down. In many cases you can lose them, and it makes a big difference. “Ms Flapp felt she need not have bothered to look up before” “try desperately to conceal her rising panic” – adverbs, adverbs! The word “panic” seems to make “desperately” redundant, in my opinion. “Ms Flapp would try to conceal her rising panic.” “knelt down beside her” – again, lose the word “down.” “knelt beside her.” We know he’s an adult and she’s a child, a “little” girl, so that’s implied in the action. “flippable looking coin” – needs a hyphen. “flippable-looking.” Maybe “suspiciously flappable coin” would work better. “conjour the celestial names” - don’t you mean “conjure” ? “moved through his middle age” – maybe “progressed?” “young people were surrounded by” – “surrounded with” would be a better way to end this sentence, I think. “Seemingly in protest…” – a rather long sentence. Is there a way you might break it up? “tonight there were so many stars on their list looking pretty much alike” – feel this sounds more natural; “tonight there were so many stars on their list that looked pretty much alike” “asked hopefully, sighed indulgently, remembered perfectly” – three adverbs in close succession. You need to change one or two of them. “asked in a hopeful tone”. “Ms Flapp indulged him with a sigh.” Think “remembered perfectly” I s fine.

Hi Lucy Finally got back to read more. Chap 9 - I like the way you have described Arthur's memories .. The one about remembering details of his son's 'powder-blue cardigan' is quite touching showing the reader that he is really a big softie at heart. You manage to slow the pace when you tell us about Arthur and this is very effective. It gives a real feel of him pottering around like a little old eccentric. Thought the image of May 'getting exactly what she wanted from Arthur' was very amusing. I also like his penchant for food - he is always snacking! You end chap 9 on a great cliffhanger. Chap 10 I like your description of the girls' dad as 'crumpled'. You fill in more of the Jessica/Jinger back story which helps the story along nicely. The relationship between Jinger and Felix builds here when she realises he also has a father who teaches at the school he attends. Mystery is building nicely too - Felix hasn't changed but he wants his dad to this that he is changing. You manage to hold back on giving too much information at once and this really helps your plot maintain its air of mystery and suspense. Will be back to read more when I'm through a few more titles on my watch list Great writing! Debbie

do like th idea of just when you think you have seen everything, eaten everything ever created, and done everything that your heart and body has ever desired in life, when the body and the mind tire. Just around the corner there is yet another unexpected chapter of your life. I like it Lucy very different to lots of other works on authonomy. I will read on CLEVER LADY Dean LADIES NIGHT ROUGH JUSTICE

Oh! Super opener. Great, funky book you've got here, and a very fun opening chapter (well, as fun as suicidal-subject matter can be). I'm even willing to suspend my disbelief about a fairly temperamental moon. Six stars, and I'm happy to read on. Well done!

CHIRG review Well done Lucy. You have succeeded in making me read more than normal. I found you have the knack of leaving a cliff-hanger at the end of each chapter, and this makes the reader curious enough to read more. This is the sign of a good writer. Very well done indeed. I have given you high stars and put you on my WL for now, my shelf is full at the moment. I don't think I need to wish you luck with this, as I think it will make it without luck. Best wishes Brian.

I have read all of the first 14 chapters and will read the rest but I wanted to leave some feedback in the meantime. I love this! It is well written and has just the right mix of suspense and revelation. It is well pitched for late teens but has enough themes woven in to appeal to older readers too. I will leave this on my bookshelf for quite a while. Baisleac

CHIRG. Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon. By Lucy Middlemass. I like your description straight away—Arthur Oldham, a hundred years of age today, but pretty fed up with it all and prefers his own company to others really. It’s too much for him at times, like trying to kid his great- grandchildren that he’s forgot their names...just a charade that makes him feel sillier. Well that’s how I see him! He’s had enough and takes refuge on the bridge to watch the millennium unfold in Brink Stenton far below. It’s a cold windy night for a lonely old man ill dressed—I feel sorry for him in a way, he doesn’t seem to fit in with today, he’s lost in a world of progress and expectation. And then, the arrival of The Murkle Moon, talking to Arthur in a mocking sort of way. Oh boy! He can certainly relate to that, this is something he does know about. Once again your description enables the reader to enter into the story. ‘The smell from Jessica’s room was an unbreathable mix of hairspray and vanilla body mist.’ Not many words here, but potent enough to make the nose twitch...great stuff! I was captivated by the very title of this book—‘The Murkle Moon’, even before starting to read it, it conjures up many thoughts in the mind of a would be reader. I’ve only read a couple of chapters and looked into others at random, but love the storyline, especially Arthur’s character. There’s definitely a place in the bookshops for this Y/A fiction. Well done, Lucy! Highly star-rated. ...Arthur made his ( ) along the bridge to the path back to Brink Stenton... (way)? Best wishes, Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Ching Only read the first two chapter but already have a real soft spot for Jinger. :) TAbs and Felix sound like little treasures too. I thought chapter 1 was beautiful and having a quick peak at Chapter 3 I'm am glad to see more about Arthur. I really want to learn more about him, his age and the Murkle moon. Very well done Lucy can't wait to read more. Taron. 5 stars p.s I'm glad you like my profile ;)

YARG review The quality of some for the writing on this site never ceases to amaze me. This is a great little manuscript, well targeted to its audience. The relationship between the two sisters is so believable. Some of the little phrases are spot on, and its has to have some of the best chapter hooks I've seen on his site. The action scenes are well handled, and exciting. I read the whole book, and was engaged throughout. Well Done. spoiler alert! From a critique point of view I really couldn't find much wrong, but spelling and grammar are not my strong points. I feel as though they are some things that still need to be tidied up. I've already mentioned that I think you should start the book with Jinger. Aside from that here are some things I noted down. I hope they make some sense to you. Chop in the first necklace scene? (mis edit) Chp 9 para 3 needs looking at Chp 14 Jinger could see Tabs (I think I got confused here) "No I'm not shocked," said Jinger horribly shock - I loved that line I thought you missed a trick with Felix sleeping through the sunset, just felt it made a good transitional allegory Chp 21 you mentioned felix wished he had a hat, then later in the chapter talk about his hood (?) I kinda imagined Grandads' boat to be bigger from the earlier description Although Tabs can change and still be calm enough to track felix the others couldn't (maybe you are hiding something here though) I thought the change in Mr Baldwin's character a little strange in the last segment of the book, he seemed to sort of turn into a bumbling comedy villian. You describe places more than once, and I understand this is sometimes due to a POV switch, but unless the character can tell us anything new about the place, I wouldn't worry about it. I did think the ending was a little drawn out over the last 3 chapters. But saying that all the threads were tied. And well played on the lovely little hook at the end of the book. I wish you all the best with this, and hope my comments might be of some use. All the best sam

YARG Review – Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon Really intriguing premise, Lucy. Your descriptions of the surroundings paint a vivid picture. Here’s my two cents. Prologue: I’d rearrange this sentence: The newspapers and the television were all saying that the world could end tonight, and for some reason people thought this would be better confronted in at least pairs. Maybe to this: The newspapers and television were all saying the world could end tonight. For some reason, people confronted this grave news in pairs. This is also an odd sentence: Arthur made his along the bridge to the path back to Brink Stenton… I think you missed a word in there. Chapter 1: You need a comma in the third paragraph after: This could be just like a holiday with her dad, Helen, and Jessica (comma after Helen). The next sentence is confusion because I’m getting messed up in the POV with all of the you’s. Just my opinion, but I want to know more about what the field looks like that the man in neon is running up. Is it spotted with wildflowers? All grass? Are there a lot of trees? I LOVE your description of how Jessica’s room smells. You have some extra spaces before: Jessica’s tie was tied short with a fat knot at the top. I don’t think Second Year needs to be capitalized. There are a few long sentences in this chapter. Like: Jinger knew that the “various” reasons included her dad and Helen being called to see her form teacher because she had let her grades slip but did not include the constant teasing she had endured at school. What’s a form teacher anyway? Jessica really likes to call Jinger a freak. I’d be pissed if I were her. I don’t think you need to italicize purple when describing the rucksack. Where you say: He leant over to Jinger’s side. I think it should be: He leaned over to Jinger’s side of the car and kissed her…”We’ll speak this weekend,” he said, through a mouthful of her hair…(missing the he said). I don’t think you need to italicize Baldwin either. Sarah

YARG review Excellent first chapter, I was completely immersed with Arthur on the top of the hill on millennium eve! I enjoyed how he felt like he had seen everything in his lifetime and even thought everything. A line like that is likely to stay with readers! Your first chapter ends in a very intriguing way - making the reader keen to continue reading what is going on with the moons? So it took a bit of adjusting for me to jump into Jinger's story. And I did spend some time in the second chapter wondering how, if at all, her story relates to Arthur's. However, after a while, I did become immersed in Jinger's story as well, and forgot entirely about Arthur! Her sister Jessica is such a menace! I like that you have shown us the cruel and undermining things that she does to Jinger, without telling us. That scene where they buy the handbags is excellent and says so much about both of them! I really felt for Jinger - that moment when she gets out of the car at the new school is moving - and I love the description of her hair in her dad's mouth. The simple things like that - give your book true depth and style. The only concern that I have with your book so far is the mention of years - like 2012. It seems to date futuristic books so much - like 1984. It kind of bothers me for some reason! Perhaps you could try something vague, like The Millennium (can I spell that yet??!!) and 2 years later. But that is just a thought. Otherwise, well done! And good luck with this one! Highly starred... Cheers Rowena

CHIRG chapter one - just a question where you say. "It wasn't the moon. "It was murkle moon. How did anyone know? would not a question be more approrpiate. Like "It wasn't the moon. But what was it? or some question and then answered much like you have it. Very interesting beginning. Obviously steller writing. What age group? I will read more. Obviously being on so many book shelves, I am sure you have many comments to help you along the way. Janice Abel, author, Brass Notes over Wolf Creek.

Hi Lucy; Great title, great cover, great first line when you open it (so to speak,) and great first few chapters. I found your book quirky and amusing. I'm sure children would find the characters and scenes engaging and enjoy your book thoroughly. But, as a big kid myself, I must say it appealed to me just as much. It was just off centre enough to keep you entertained and wanting to read more. Very well done, it's going on my WL. RMA Sea Spray and Stars

Hi Lucy First of all I really like the cover of your book - stands out well. Fantastic first sentence of prologue. Pulls the reader right in. Chap 1 gives a good back story of why Jinger is at Murkle Manor School. Ginger is a likeable character and you have added enough everyday details for youngsters to be able to relate to and therefore empathise with her. Arthur is an extremely likeable character and Ms Flapp brings some humour to the story. Felix is another humorous character and again, very likeable. I feel you have a good assortment of characters giving plenty of scope for your readers to identify with people in their own lives. You have a great habit of ending chapters on a cliffhanger ' ...nothing could have prepared her for what she saw in that hall'. You write some great phrases ...' Douglas spent the rest of forever without his laughing girl next door' These read as though they have just trickled off the end of your tongue rather than being worked and re-worked on. I have read up to chapter 7 and am finding the story well-written and well thought out. I think children will love the quirky real life/fantasy world you have created. I have starred it highly and am placing it on my bookshelf. Good luck with your Murkle Moon, Lucy. It deserves to do well. Best wishes Debbie

I think I was planning on reading only two chapters but I am on chapter 5 Its wonderfully written stuff I think its such an inspiring story, original too. your writing is really engaging and I like the pace with which you start the story. There is so much to like here but I love the description of Murkle town, its so homely and welcoming. your on my watchlist very highly starred and I am commited to reading more.

Hi Lucy, yours is the first book I'm going to comment on, because I'm new to Authonomy. I should point out that I'm very commercially-oriented as a writer and editor, so this might not be the kind of feedback you're looking for. I've read the first chapter, arguably the most important in your book. I'll read more ASAP. My first thought is that you're a natural writer. There can be no doubt about that. There definitely isn't the "struggle" one sometimes feels reading the work of aspiring authors. My second thought is that this first chapter is an awful lot of words to describe something very simple: an old man walking across a bridge and seeing a moon shine on a house. You're asking a lot of the reader to get through it, especially a child. You need more things happening to the old man, and that could be something as simple as him briefly losing his footing, for example. But there needs to be more drama—more things happening in the real world outside of the description. He might meet somebody, for example, and speech is always a good way to break up descriptive paragraphs. Most children's novels tend to start with a dramatic event. Children need this to bring them into the book. Your first chapter has to be more effective than it is right now. (Remember too that children don't care a huge amount for old people unless they have some magical characteristic to make them interesting.) Other thoughts: when you mention him avoiding death, I instantly think of death being a character like in Terry Pratchett books and in other fantasy novels. I'm not sure if this will be the case later in your book, but the sentence made a promise that made me feel disappointed when it turned out merely to be a turn of phrase. And as I'm sure must already have been pointed out, Murkle sounds very like muggle. Kids like things to be familiar but, conversely, they also like originality and might be critical of this point. They're cynical little buggers!

Hi! Here's my promised review of chapter 2. I reviewed chapter 1 some time ago but can't seem to find that here; did you take the book down and put it back on? (I did that with "Tamria.") Anyway, I hope you find these comments helpful and will try to read your next chapter tomorrow. Also hope you'll read the next chapter of mine! Am enjoying the story so far - there's nothing really to criticize in your style, only a few minor suggestions here and there. On the whole it's very polished. I do wonder though if, for a children's book, there is too much "narration' and not enough dialogue. This chapter at least, while not description-heavy, doesn't contain a great deal of action or talking, and a generation of readerrs weaned on "Harry Potter" might expect more of the same. My writing by contrast is very dialogue rich - but to each his own, this is still a fantastic read. Rated 6 stars. James *** “contained a far from restful view of the sports field” – not sure if a window can “contain” a view. “enjoyed” or “commanded” may be more suitable verbs. Of course, this is fine as is. And should "far from restful' be hyphenated? "far-from-restful" “She tried to think of something equally unpleasant to say back but as usual, nothing came” – sentence might flow better with an additional comma inserted after “but.” Also, instead of “say back” how about “say in return”? “She tried to think of something equally unpleasant to say in return but, as usual, nothing came.” “often expressed relief” – does this need a hyphen? “often-expressed relief” “idea began to stick as hard as a tiny shell on the side of a boat” – great phrase! “half way up” – “half way” should be one word. “halfway up” “ugly rucksack’ – you used the word “ugly” to refer to her bag a couple paragraphs before. Different choice of word? “curly haired boy” – “curly-haired” ? “‘At least I made it to the bus in time,’ he grinned.” – should this be “added with a grin”, since we had “he smiled” in the previous sentence? “‘Oops, sorry, Tabs!’ he smiled, curling himself into his own side of the seat. ‘At least I made it to the bus in time,’ he added with a grin.” “held up her hands in an exaggerated way” – you used “exaggerated way” earlier in this chapter (“’Elephants don’t forget!’”) Avoid word / phrase repetition. How about “exaggerated gesture”? “spoke directly to her” – is “directly” needed? If he’s speaking to her and no one else, that adverb isn’t really necessary. “spoke to her” might be worked into the dialogue. “The boy across the aisle leant over. –> ‘Hello,’ he said, speaking to her. ‘Are you a First Year?’ His tone was friendly.” I got rid of the “asked in a friendly way” because I notice you’ve used the “did something in an X way” construction a few times. “realized guiltily” – to avoid using an adverb here – you use quite a few adverbs in your writing (but then, sometimes so do I!) – you might try something different. “Jinger’s heart sank. She nearly snapped something at him but realized with a flash of guilt that she had thought the same thing about him a few minutes ago.” “raised their eyebrows at each other and exchanged a glance” – the “exchanged a glance” makes “at each other” redundant. “Felix and Tabs raised their eyebrows and exchanged a glance that Jinger did not undersdtand.” “offered Felix in a firm way” – you’ve used “exaggerated way”, “friendly way” and now “firm way,” a conspicuous repetition of phrase. Why not a simpler “Felix offered firmly” ? Or even: “in a firm voice” “Jinger noticed Tabs seemed to be worried about the new term too” – feel this needs a “that” after “noticed” to make the sentence flow better. “The three chatted the rest of the journey and Jinger noticed that Tabs seemed to be worried…” “gather their bags around them” – why not just “gather their bags” ? I feel “around them” is two words you don’t need. Tabs’ – needs an “s” after the apostrophe. Tabs’s “turned round with a terrible lost feeling” – “turned around with a terrible lost feeling” ? “The group of three” – to avoid the repetition of the word “group”, which has appeared six times in this chapter (and you’ve used “crowd” three times as well) why not just “The threesome” ? “The threesome followed the rest of the younger pupils” “Jinger could just about make out” – matter of personal preference, so feel free to disregard. But I would never use “just about” when writing fiction, regardless of level; “about” is an unneeded word. “Jinger could just make out” “or, more unsettlingly” – does this need to be an adverb? I feel “more unsettling” would sound better. “This gave the impression that it had somehow grown up by itself from the land or, more unsettling, that it was being sucked back down.”

YARG PART 2--SPOILER ALERT Lucy, I finished Jinger over the weekend and really enjoyed it. However as the book went on, I found myself with questions. Here are some things you might want to address to strengthen what is already a fun book: • What country are they in? Not too important, but I did find myself wondering if this was supposed to be set in a strange corner of our world or another one altogether.... • What did the legend say the one born on the Eve would do (more power equals bad because....)? Since this is so important, it needs to be explicit. I didn't understand what the Woodcutters were trying to prevent. Also, it would have been good to know if they were evil or just misguided.... • Why did the Woodcutters feel they needed wolves to help them kill Jinger? She didn't seem like much of a threat and in the end it was Malcolm who faced her down anyway..... • Why would Felix's dad be worried about him not changing if he just turned 13 now? Since it was still possible he would change, why did his dad give Felix to the Woodcutters? • Why did the Woodcutter shave Felix's head? • If Felix was able to escape, then why didn't the other Woodcutters? It didn't seem like they had been converted to the Woodcutter's beliefs.... • In the first Jinger/Malcolm encounter in the woods, why didn't Malcolm come after Jinger when she brought out the silver necklace? That's what happened later anyway...... • What does apocalyptic star mean? Was it just a plot device to reveal Arthur's existence to Douglas? If so, you may want to find a simpler way for Douglas to learn who he was. • Why did Dorothy only try to kill Jinger two times? For example, she could have poisoned her at any time based on how close Dorothy seemed to be with the family... • Why would Dorothy have kept Grandpa Bloom's boat? It would have seemed simpler for her to sink it after she killed him? • What does the rare blood help Dorothy with? At first I thought it was for Caroline, which was understandable but then that wasn't right. This is very confusing. • Why did the Woodcutters attack the school after Jinger had gone home? I thought they were doing it to get her so that's very confusing. It seemed like maybe Tabs' mom was in on the plan to bring her back but I wasn't clear on that.....If so, it would be unclear what her motivation would be for wanting to hurt Jinger. If she thought Jinger was evil, why would she have let Tabs stay with her? • When and how did Jinger learn that Dorothy had been involved in the attacks at school? • Don't know if you need the last scene with Jessica/Rainbow. Feels like set up for a sequel. It's already clear that Jessica is trouble to the readers and you don't need to establish it for the teachers at the end of the book. • What kind of magic does Murkle have besides the Moon and the wolves? It's referenced but there's no existence of it. I hope this doesn't come across as too negative. I really think the book is almost there and it is very good. I just think you just need to give your readers a little more information. Best, Melissa

YARG Review I found this a highly original read I only intended to read a few chapters, but before I knew it I was on chapter ten and still couldn’t stop. The great cliffhangers at the end of the chapters, which were not answered until later sections, this made it impossible to put don The characters are great. I like the way Arthur pretends to be a typical old man, muddling his grandchildren’s names. And you immediately gained my sympathy for Jinger. I was rooting for her because of her horrible sister. I found your voice clear and straightforward and your quirky way of saying things added to the humour. The plot is intriguing and the hints at what is really going on build and hold my attention well. Chapter Six is very sad, but well handled. The only bit I wasn’t sure about was the line ‘It had been enough for Arthur.’ In the first chapter. It makes it sound like he doesn’t like children. I know you go on to explain later how he has come to like young people more, but i though this line might be a little off-putting to young readers at the beginning. One typo I noticed. The extra capital in ‘Unfortunately for them both, Forever.’ I have given this a full rank of Murkle Stars and a place on my bookshelf Best wishes Kirstie

I hope I live to see a hundred like Arthur. His story is an inspiration. Most old people would rather to relax in rocking chair, on sofa or wrap up in bed than to venture out to admire the amazing sky. Arthur story is unique. He is fit and strong and mind intact. But I wonder if his days are numbered? Maybe the Murkle Moon end his life. I'll read on another time.....

Dear Lucy: I read though chapter ten and could see a young person being captivated by your story - especially as it approaches the "change." You are definitely a talented writer and I believe you'll make it to the publishing world soon. Now, for suggestions: a few things I might change in the early chapters. A few small things seem to crop up out of nowhere without relating to the rest of the story. I.E., I LOVE Arthur (sometimes I feel as old as he is) but in Ch. 1, I wondered what quote Arthur remembered (from his mother)? I think I'd just leave out the sentence, "He loosened...head." Ch. 2 had a bit of a discordant note with the antagonism between the sisters - Jessica's hatred of her sister seemed so extreme. Ch. 3 - I really liked because, again, I identified with Arthur especially where it reads, "Arthur fround himself fonder....earlier." Ch 4 - I smiled as I wondered if Dr. Skinner has any connection with B.F. Skinner? Ch. 4&5: Is there any reason for the scene with Felix almost choking??? In Chapter 6, the love story between Jinger's and Jessica's parents was really sweet - really well done. I almost cried with the final sentence, "Douglas spent the rest of forever without his laughing girl next door." My favorite descriptions are of Jessica and her friends at the new boarding school ... I wonder if you could, after chapter one (it's necessary to introduce the idea of Arthur and Mingle Moon) put a chapter or two at the very beginning of your book describing her activities at the school before starting flashbacks? Anyhow, I certainly do encourage you to continue writing and polishing this lovely book and wish you the best on becoming a well-known published author! Blessings, Pat

Terrific, fun, and well written young adult fantasy. I think it would appeal to older readers too though, because of the many different characters. I like how we see things from lots of different perspectives, and there are lots of layers. You uncover the mysteries very well. Delightful to read! Six stars from me! :D

Chapter 25 & 26 I didn't want to stop reading in the middle of the action, so I'll post these together. ...joined by a tall man with sticking out ears. --strange way to phrase it. perhaps...joined by a tall man with ears that stuck out. The woodcutter taunts Ms Flapp about who's she going to protect. It seemed a bit odd to me because Ms Flapp has no special skills whatsoever. Even if she had chosen to protect someone, surely she be even less of a challenge than Tabs charging the woodcutter with teeth and claw. It would be more believable for the woodcutter just to brush past Ms Flapp without a second thought. Also, something about the math of this conflict bugged me. Okay, yes there is a guy wielding an ax. But besides him there are four kids and four wolves VS and entire school--parents and students alike. It's not like the woodcutter's crew are a special forces team of commandos Nice performance by the moon! :) Eden

Chapter 24 Just one thing I need to point out. In chapter 23 Tabs looked like she wanted to run away but instead wriggled around her stomach upon seeing the silver necklace. Then in chapter 24 she suddenly demands that Tabs take if off because she doesn't want to be anywhere near her with that thing on. --This seemed to be kind of a late reaction for Tabs, considering they've rescued Felix, sneaked into the lab to release foxes, and then made their way back to and through the school at this point. And also since, as a character, Tabs has no problem saying what's on her mind. Little pigs! Little pigs! Let us in! --very cute. like that a lot. It actually helped me picture the wolves breaking in five unsuspecting victims. Oh and I like how Mrs Flapp, even in the crisis, took time to deliberate over which mugs to use Exciting end to the chapter. Eden

YARG: Lucy, I enjoyed the first three chapters—so much so that I read the next three without realizing what I was doing. They are thoroughly charming. Your writing leaves very little, if anything, to correct so I’ve tried to focus on anything language-wise that took me out of flow of reading: C1 “confronted better in at least pairs” is awkward. Perhaps “better confronted in groups”…it’s your story so I’m not going to try to wordsmith for you. Just wanted to point it out. “Historic town of Murkle did not seem to be unusual…” Tighten by removing “to be” What would have happened if the moons did collide? I assume some kind of catastrophe but I’d probably enjoy reading your description of the consequences…. IMHO, “leading eventually to the street” is better as “that eventually led to the street” C2 “A man dressed in neon…” Is he actually dressed in neon? Or is he in a neon-hued track suit?? “reasonable so tucked her” could use a “she” (i.e., reasonable so she tucked her) “flicked through a bookcase” should be “flicked through the contents of her bookcase” I think. However browsed might be a better verb. “Pulling out a few for herself,” begs pulled out a few WHAT? It’s implied but it will read more smoothly with the word books/tomes/novels or somesuch. Why did Jessica pick up something she didn’t want? Was it just to annoy Jinger? Or did she pick up something that Jinger didn’t want? You describe Jinger’s hair as “not quite long.” But that means different things to different people. Perhaps replace with a more concrete description? “happened at random and was not a something” can be condensed to “random and not something” Love the detail about Jinger being able to kiss her father while avoiding his glasses. Sweet and true. C4 Need indent in first para Liked the description of Ms. Flapp as a fallen bird.  I’ve realized I don’t know how old Jinger is. Perhaps it’s because I’m American and aren’t familiar with grade/age equivalents in the UK, but you may want to consider adding it. I’m assuming she’s about 14….. C6 I found the change to Douglas a bit jarring ( a la “Not another character to keep track of….”) and it took me some time to figure out it was Jinger’s dad. Perhaps you can use his name once earlier just so that the readers can put one and one together more quickly? Take them or leave em.  Best, Melissa

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 17 A short chapter, nice transition and I like how Jinger sees her dad again! Emotionally charged ending. There is a POV swap here, which some people criticize, but I’m terrible with advice on that… I do it sometimes and I think as long as it’s woven in well it’s okay. Worked for me :) Cara Dawn of Destruction ----- Hope these are useful! 1) I’d just say with ‘her head tilted’ → remove ‘back’ because she is lying on her back, so there is repetition of the word 2) I’d say ‘He usually preferred to read… when Dorothy brought it to him, sitting at the rear of It’s A Shore Thing with a cup of coffee…’ → rear instead of back so ‘back’ isn’t repeated again, and also I thought rewording flows smoother? 3) How about ‘Dorothy had spent much of the day detaining customers, persuading them until they were interested.’ → eliminates double repetition of ‘they were’ and I think still gets the message across 4) sentence ‘her enduring tactic…’ feels a little wordy for me… perhaps because of the ‘silently supportive’ and ‘occasionally just silent’ → ‘silent’ appears twice, and also I’m not sure about ‘had been to be’ … Maybe reword? E.g. ‘Her enduring tactic in dealing with matters… had been to either remain silent, or…’ 5) comma; ‘buttons wrongly on his shirt, and looked over…’ 6) I’d make simpler; ‘Finally turning… Douglas was relieved to see many visitor’s cars still extended in parked rows…’

Rarely, some writing instantly brings a smile to your face. Your style is so clever that the reader doesn't even realize he's grinning until the end of the chapter- who do you carry off that trick, Lucy? This is great writing and it should be at the very top of the genre league. This is an intelligent and well crafted book in which I have every confidence that it will do extremely well. I could see no typos or grammar errors. i will happily promote this work to my fellow autho readers and will put you on my watch list right away. i normally keep a book on my shelf for at least one month, i will make a space for your work very soon. regards Cyrus Hellion 2

Oooo! New cover's coming :) Chapter 22 I like Arthur's reaction to this unique situation. He gives good background information too that flows without feeling like an info dump. ...as she dropped it onto the the bed to stop him (from) going anywhere. Chapter 23 Cool chapter. The pieces are coming together! Now one of her friends was trying to pick himself up out of the mud, only to be held there by the old man's boot and the other was whimpering and squirming and covered in fur. --Awkward sentence, possible fix: Now one of her friends was trying to pick himself up out of the mud, only to be held there by the old man's boot. Her other friend was covered in fur (or fur-covered), whimpering and squirming in fear. As you can see, I didn't find much to nit pick about in these two chapters :) Good job. Eden

Hi, there – this is your YARG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea. I read most of Chapter 1 with pleasure. I did wonder which teens might read a book about a one-hundred year old man, but I’m OK with that now. On the other hand, you may want to insert something about Jinger Barley into your pitch so that kids will know there’s one like them in there somewhere. Where Arthur is walking with his cane, it seemed odd to me that “somewhere near its middle would be neatest” had a different tense than the rest of the writing. I also wondered what neatest meant in this context. Wouldn’t it require the least effort? Another bit that I wondered about was when he begins to walk down his path and then must scramble back up the steep path. I think I’d have liked knowing the path was steep before he gets on it. When Jinger wakes up, it’s not sufficiently clear to me that she’s waking in a strange bed at her new boarding school. In the section titled “The Day Before,” instead of ‘going to travel,’ I wonder if it would help to be a bit more specific and descriptive: ‘schedule to take the train to her new school in faraway Murkle…” “…with just her dad…” doesn’t convey the meaning very well. “…alone in the kitchen with her dad…” would be better. I can’t quite visualize how someone could lie on a bed and flick through a bookshelf at the same time. Unless the bookshelf is in the headboard, which is sufficiently unusual to be described. And we’ve just heard that the house is bigger, so I can’t conclude that the shelf is right up next to the bed. I do like the scene where we find out that Jessica is the mean and shallow sister. Well done! I am normally not a fan of fantasy, but felt myself drawn into your story. Jinger is a sympathetic character—though we could perhaps use a touch more personality for her rather than just her reactions and limited fashion sense. I liked the meeting on the bus with Tabs and Felix, particularly the way you show us that they are fun, interesting, and plenty likable despite not being upstairs with the cool kids. Normally when someone uses the phrase ‘cool kids’ I cringe a little inside, but the way you have created Jessica helps clarify that they aren’t cool at all. Very tiny hints are sprinkled throughout that signal that this is a fantasy. I’d say to sprinkle them in a bit more liberally. I can imagine my students reading these first two chapters and merely thinking your story is ‘weird.’ (They are struggling readers, not terribly well equipped to pick up subtleties.) ~AudreyB Forgiveness Fits

YARG review Hi Lucy, With a title like Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon, who could not like your Book? It is as endearing and peculiar as Arthur and Jinger are. I loved your opening paragraph, artistic and thoughtful all at the same time – “Arthur was finding it difficult to die. He had lived longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age…” This is really good. There were other gems that I found too: “…politely pretending to muddle and forget the names of his great-grandchildren, much to their delight.” This just makes me love Arthur all the more. “a new millennium and the world had not ended.” I remember thinking the same thing twelve years ago. Strange thought that many of your readers will not even rememeber the new millennium or weren’t even born. Time flies… You do a great job bringing life and character to Arthur and Jinger. Their thoughts are a palpable extension of themselves and they both are so very sweet and likeable. In fact, Jinger is almost to be pitied. She is the heroine to cheer for. Your readers will easily identify with her and the anxiety and trepidation she experiences at facing change and meeting new people. Arthur has lived so long because he loves youg people - it’s a great way to live. I hope I can be just like him someday. Your writing is clean, easy to read and understand and at times even sounds poetic. One can clearly tell that there is more treasure to be found beyond the first three chapters that I read. Six stars! Dianna Lanser Nothing But The Blood I hope you don’t mind me pointing out a couple easy fixes: Chapter two – “Last year at her old school… Now she was going to (have) go through it again.” Either remove ‘have’ or add ‘to’ after ‘have’ “He leant over to Jinger’s side of the car…” This sentence is kind of long and a little awkward sounding.

Chapter 21 The boat rocked gently... --If the boat is only rocking gently, would it be a concern in Felix's mind that the boat could tug free of the ropes and drift away? Oh so, now we're putting hooks at the beginning of chapters, huh? Nice. He ignored her offers; he would rather fall. -- Ha ha :) chopped meat from a bloodstained bucket --nice imagery. and gross. the evil to destroy murkle? I agree with Felix. Mr. Culpin' s plan seems a little half-baked. But I'm really interested to see where this is going now... Eden

Chapter 20 I actually ended up reading this chapter twice because I was too tired to leave a comment last night and didn't want to sound like a rambling idiot Jinger did an impression of someone making sure she had not forgotten anything without even realizing she was doing it. And then she pretended to have just remembered about the satchel. --This part was confusing to me, because I wasn't really sure what you meant. If she's pretending to have almost forgotten about the satchel, wouldn't she be intentionally faking the look about the room and completely aware that she was doing so? Jinger's dad turned off the radio... --as is, this paragraph was a little jerky to me. Maybe identifying her father a bit different would help-- He turned off the radio as soon as she got in. There was a pile of paperwork on his knees... -- "...We can catch up. I thought we could have pizza. Is that okay?"-- this bit of dialogue sounded a bit stiff, even for a parent. If he said something like, How do you feel about grabbing a pizza? Or We can get a pizza and catch up. Is that okay? Would sound a bit more natural. There was a brief head hop to Douglas' head during Jinger's narrative. I really don't like Jessica at all. She's such a foul little thing. Exciting end to another good chapter! Eden

YARG review: I've been meaning to read this for a while, as the premise suggests an original and imaginative story, and I wasn't disappointed. I've read the first three chapters so far, and I absolutely love this. Characterisation is great, especially old Arthur and indecisive Ms Flapp. I also like the idea of having twin sisters with opposite personalities (oddly enough, this was something I used myself in my book 'The Puppet Spell'- possibly a case of 'great minds think alike'!). The writing is engaging and I couldn't spot any errors. This is shaping up to be a great story and I'll be reading more in due course. For now, six stars, and a definite contender for the bookshelf! Emma

YARG Review. Hi there, Lucy! I read the first two chapters and I'm liking it so far. Jinger and Arthur (love his last name by the way) are great characters with distinct voices and personalities. I love Arthur's way of thinking and thought the beginning of chapter 2, where Jinger was contemplating if she was awake or sleeping was clever. Great opening paragraph! Maybe I was too into the story to notice anything, but I only saw one thing that may need a fix in ch 2. "Well done you, Felix!" <- seems like it's missing something or that the 'you' should be taken out. Anyhoot. The pace seemed just right, dialogue was believable and your characters are interesting. Very original story. I'm looking forward to reading more and learning more abut Murkle! :D Cheers! ~Della

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 16 As I’m continuing to read, I’m starting to totally imagine this as a great movie :D I just love all your characters, and the way we get to know them all. I probably sound like a broken record but this is simply a delightful read and I don’t care if it’s young adult or not, I think everyone can enjoy this!! I particularly like how ‘Felix was to be a Woodcutter’ and my mind is simply racing as I wonder about the whole Murkle Mystery!! :D Cara (p.s. edits coming soon -- grrr error screens!!)

Chapter 19 The plot is weaving together nicely as the mystery of Murkle continues to unfold. attempts to search in pack-form had to be abandoned.--I like how you covered that. Otherwise the question would quickly pop up, well why don't they just change into wolves and track them? So the Murkle wolves have Attention deficit disorder hmmm.... Arthur and the Moon communicate? cool! The short chapters are great for YA readers, and me! It definitely leaves me wanting more. And if it wasn't 2 a.m I would load the next chapter lol Eden

Chapter 18 A hint of the answers I seek are coming at last! The woodcutter yay! And there's evil in Murkle... In the silence that followed, Felix looked around nervously. --getting rid of "the room" here eliminates repetition at the start of the next paragraph the lines in his face looked like knots and sinews of ancient bark --love it! Great chapter, Lucy Eden

Chapter 35: I can't believe I'm at the end. I'm really quite sad about it, honestly, what to say? "obviously, replied Douglas (repeating exactly what Elspeth was thinking). All of the fox names were brilliant (my malamute was named Alpine, so I'm particular to him) "the antique astronomer" - fabulous. Douglas found it oddly comforting- I'm not sure why is comfort is odd, in this context. ... The visitors started to leave. I think the end of this sentence might be better replaced as "Douglas decided it was time for them to go," (because I think he's the one satisfied, right? And also, because Jessica hadn't started to leave) -oh dear. What did Jessica do to Rainbow?? - I love the last sentence. For me, it's ambiguous as to whose staring at the moon (it's Jinger, but it could also be Jessica?) but keep it that way! Also, interesting that you repeated that (fantastic) description. I went back to see who's point of view it was last described from that way. It's such a good ending. Without spoiling anything (I hope) a bit of a cliff-hanger, but no imminent danger, so we feel like we can breathe for a while. I want to read more!!

Chapter 17 Very short chapter and not much to criticize. The only thing that got me was the switch up with Douglas and Helen. For the most part, you seem to keep to close third person point of view. The narrative isn't omniscient where we can hear everyone's thoughts. Here's just my two cents but I think that for the sake of consistency, chapter 16 works perfectly if you keep to Felix's head and not wander to Jinger's for a brief paragraph. As a reader, I caught on very well that she was hiding stuff from the dialogue as well as events earlier chapters. And with chapter 17, keeping to Doug's POV would be enough. Think about a young adult reading this--they really won't really relate to Helen's mental woes about replacing a dead wife. But since you're in Doug's POV it's only natural to write how he feels about his wife to add depth of character. Such a brief dive into Helen's head interrupts the close third person narrative and for little gain. As usual, I enjoyed the chapter, can't wait to read more, and can't wait to find out about those woodcutters! Eden :)

Chapter 16 lol nevermind. There was a flashback in the last chapter with Ms Flapp and I missed it. I really liked the way you switched to Felix POV for this chapter. Handled very nicely. He's a cute kid. The imagery in this chapter was great too. Really this was a sensible thing to do, like looking through a brochure before you booked a holiday. --I don't think this line works. Felix is twelve, well he just turned 13, but could a kid that age really relate to booking vacations after browsing brochures? Perhaps there's another analogy better suited for his age. Something like browsing a shop window before selecting the candy. lol I dunno. a place of incarceration rather than education-- ha. I like it. Reminds me of my school There's a POV shift in the later half of the chapter from Felix to Jinger. But again, that could be that style of yours :) End of Chapter, poor Felix! Eden

Chapter 34: Hmm... There wasn't very much to critique (again), just a few sentences I thought might be improved: My most not-picky critique ever: "After the Two girls returned..." There's something not sitting right with me about this sentence. I think you might want to write: "Even after the two girls... Tabs was silent."- I think the way it's written, it feels like something happened in the room to make Tabs not speak, rather than what occurred before. since its been a couple chapters since we last saw Tabs and Jinger, the simple addition of "even," might recollect the conversation. "This was because she had not (lied to him)." I'd add the last bit, just as a clarifier, because the previous sentence has quite a lot of verbs, "Jinger was not sure this was the time to quibble over terminology..." love this. "Sometimes,"- great response. I laughed. Jinger got up, scraping her chair... I might like to see an adjective at the beginning of this sentence, one that describes if Jinger is angry/disappointed/sad/stubborn about her father's decision. I'm not completely sure how she feels about it. I laughed at the entire last few paragraphs of the chapter. All fantastic, and i could really picture the scene. The messenger bag was a nice touch - very evocative of Jessica's bullying.

Updated **Chapter 15 So I'm not going to find out about the woodcutter just yet. Lucy, aaahh! you keep doing this to me. Okay suggestion for the first paragraph to help it flow a little better--The Second Year girls in the foyer had finally gone up to bed. Ms Flapp shut her bedroom door and sat back down at her desk. She put Tabitha Barker's essay underneath a pile still left for marking. **The paragraph that begins with, "The local newspaper, The Brink Herald..." --Ms Flapp was used a lot. Swapping one of those out for a generic "she" would keep it from sounding too repetitive. **Okay, I've read the chapter twice now, and the last couple of sentences won't click with my brain. Is the narrative jumping forward, saying that the Herald published the story anyway in spite of Ms Flapp's efforts? Exploding star, end of the world, Mayan calendar, Eve baby's with magical powers...whew! you've thrown a lot on me in this chapter. And Ms Flapp's personality has really started to shine (& not just in this chapter). Eden :)

Chapter 14 Bit by bit, the mystery of Murkle continues to unfold. Jinger and Arthur's storylines are slowly and craftily weaving together. I know at first I said that I was surprised to learn the girls were only twelve at the beginning, but I think you've done a really good job of capturing the mindset of twelve year old girls in these later chapters. "No, I'm not shocked," Jinger said, horribly shocked--I laughed out loud. In the paragraph that begins with Jinger was more shocked by this than anything else she had seen or heard in the last couple of days.--the last sentence, "She had no relatives here..."--is redundant and it's just kinda floating at the end of the paragraph. You could delete it. The earlier sentence "Jinger wasn't even from Murkle" covers it enough. That, and the reader already knows very well that Jinger has just started school in Murkle. I want to know what a Woodcutter is... Eden

There's a child-like innocence in the writing Lucy. I think back to my Grandpa Abel and myself sitting on top of a hay bale looking up and naming our own stars. I also remember colder early mornings when the stars hung low on my mile walks or wades through the swamps. Arthur and Ms. Flapp are wonderful heartfelt characters. Another great chapter.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

YARG Hi Lucy, I loved the sound of your book and, feeling in the mood to read something that was complete, I decided to have a read of Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon. I’m glad I did. This was a well-written, highly-engaging read from beginning to end. Below are a few chapter by chapter comments that I noted as I read. These are just my observations and suggestions. Feel free to use the ones you want and discard the rest. Ch 3 1) ‘with a strange look in her eyes’ full-stop after ‘eyes’ Ch 5 1) ‘By the time the Tabs’ should be ‘By the time that Tabs’ 2) ‘strange early morning dream’ should be ‘strange, early-morning dream’ 3) ‘She was sure that her strange, early morning dream…’ This reference to her dream confused me and I had to search through the book to find where the actual account was written. This may partly be because I read up to Ch 5 yesterday and then had to stop, so I couldn’t readily remember when she’s talked about the dream. But I suspect it’s a bit confusing anyway. Is there a particular reason why it’s not simply placed in its chronological order? I think the story would work just as well if it was. Ch 6 1) ‘Although made for’ should be ‘Although it made for’ 2) ‘for an another’ remove ‘an’ Uugh! What a terrible ending! (Not the writing, it was really good) That was completely unexpected! You show the relationship between Jinger’s parents beautifully in this chapter. I love it. Ch 7 1) ‘She would not be able to’ this would probably sound more natural as ‘She wouldn’t be able to’ 2) ‘It probably would not have’ as above 3) ‘to show her confusion’ full-stop after ‘confusion’ Ch 9 1) ‘As it is turned out’ remove ‘is’ 2) ‘anyone who counted the years in his face could know.’ I found this a bit awkward to read. Maybe try; ‘anyone counting the years in his face could know.’ 3) ‘off in what order.’ There’s a gap here between this sentence and the next. 4) ‘instantly bored of the place he had started’ I’m not sure what you’re saying here. Do you mean ‘instantly bored with the place he had started’? It still doesn’t really make sense as he can’t be that bored considering he thought of the question and continues to dwell on it. 5) ‘impression of disappointment’ full-stop after ‘disappointment’ Ch 11 1) ‘as Douglas lay out’ should be ‘as Douglas laid out’ 2) ‘under his yellow hat’ There’s a gap after ‘hat’ that shouldn’t be there. 3) ‘the other fishermen told her the news he was late to come back, she kept asking him to find Jack.’ This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe say something like; ‘the other fishermen told her that he was late coming back, she kept asking Douglas to find Jack.’ Ch 13 1) ‘a long time for to really’ should be ‘a long time for her to really’ 2) ‘ “Mum’s in a bit of a mess.’ Should be a new paragraph. Ch 15 1) ‘and meeting had moved’ should be ‘and the meeting had moved’ 2) ‘Arthur’s lifetime if not her own’ Arthur’s 112 years old. Why does she think she’ll die before him? 3) ‘would solve world’s problems.’ Should be ‘would solve the world’s problems.’ 4) ‘then having stuck his head’ commas after and before ‘then’ 5) ‘stood part way up’ ‘part way’ should be ‘partway’ Ch 17 1) ‘before he had chance to’ should be ‘before he had a chance to’ 2) ‘but clean looking furniture’ should be ‘but clean-looking furniture’ 3) ‘He reached to down’ remove ‘to’ 4) ‘other side of door’ should be ‘the other side of the door’ 5) ‘and but mostly’ remove ‘and’ Ch 19 1) ‘About an hour ago’ ‘ago’ is an odd word to use here. What about ‘an hour before’ or ‘an hour earlier’? 2) ‘lot of effort’ remove comma after ‘effort’ Ch 20 1) ‘ “I’m lying down, my dear.” ’ Would Arthur call another man ‘my dear’? Ch 21 1) ‘Felix tugged his coat sleeves over his hands…’ I thought he was still lying down at this point. It was a bit confusing. Ch 22 1) ‘Arthur lent back’ should be ‘Arthur leant back’ Ch 24 1) ‘had chance to say anything’ should be ‘had a chance to say anything’ 2) ‘Everyone else was so busy’ But she’s just finished saying that everyone went home for Christmas, so who’s ‘everyone else’? Did they all come back because of the attack, like Tabs and Jinger? 3) ‘Jinger caught herself wondering how she could trust anyone who dressed like Tabs…’ I love this! 4) ‘glass domed’ hyphen 5) ‘Not that you are Jinger.’ Should have an apostrophe after the ‘are’. I couldn’t work out why Ms Flapp was telling her she wasn’t Jinger. Ch 25 1) ‘in the mood for an explanation.’ Mr Culpin didn’t need an explanation. He already knew. Maybe this should be ‘in the mood to explain.’ 2) ‘But because of this place, because of what he was… this place and that Moon. He couldn’t leave Murkle behind because of the Moon.’ This is quite difficult to follow and seems repetitive. Maybe say; ‘But because of this place, because of what he was… and that Moon… he couldn’t leave Murkle behind.’ 3) ‘turn out they way’ ‘they’ should be ‘the’ 4) ‘Even the doesn’t bleach work and now its stain on me.’ I don’t follow this sentence at all. 5) ‘if the any of the soldiers’ should be ‘if any of the soldiers’ 6) ‘become bored of its own’ should be ‘become bored with its own’ 7) ‘a set a jaws’ should be ‘a set of jaws’ Ch 28 1) ‘away until before’ remove ‘until’ 2) ‘or maybe Helen even knew how to make’ She’s lived with Helen for a few years now. Wouldn’t she know if she knew how to make pancakes? 3) ‘homemade looking’ hyphen 4) ‘he thought the Woodcutter’ should be ‘He’d thought the Woodcutter’ 5) ‘light bulb’ one word 6) ‘questioned the young Woodcutters and found out where they had been living straight after the attack.’ This sounds like they found out where they had been living straight after the attack. Maybe say; ‘questioned the young Woodcutters straight after the attack and found out where they had been living.’ 7) ‘arrived back into Brink’ should be arrived back in Brink’ Ch 29 1) ‘up to the Tab’s school’ should be ‘up to Tab’s school’ 2) ‘have chance to change’ should be ‘have a chance to change’ 3) ‘the no longer missing pupils’ should be ‘no-longer-missing pupils’ 4) ‘around Andrew and Laura’ comma after ‘Andrew’ Ch 31 1) ‘ be for just for her’ should be ‘be just for her’ 2) ‘ “Aren’t you girls forgetting something?” he said. Chance would be a fine thing, Jinger thought.’ Another great line! 3) ‘It would be embarrassing for her dad to tell’ This sounds as though her dad would be embarrassed rather than Jinger. Maybe say; This would be embarrassing, having her dad tell’ Ch 33 1) ‘I don’t think Malcolm was worried about Jinger.’ But he was. He tried – very hard – to kill her. Maybe this should say something like; ‘I don’t think Malcolm needed to worry about Jinger.’ Ch 35 1) I really like the change in Mr Barley’s attitude to Murkle and its moon. 2) Why would Arthur make the connection between Goliath Swat’s book and Jessica? He doesn’t know that Jessica is also an ‘eve’ baby. It’s a perfect, cliff-hanger ending, but Douglas only told his daughters and Tabs. Why (and when) would he think to tell Arthur something that he’s kept secret for thirteen years? Especially as he has no idea about the book and its ‘prophecy’. I’m glad I read the whole book, Lucy. This is a great story and I love the ending, (especially if you can work out some way to get the vital piece of information across to Arthur. Maybe on their visit Arthur could mention something about sharing a birthday with Jinger and Mr Barley could confess that both girls share it with him, or something). Presumably there’s going to be a sequel? There’s a lot of unfinished ends left hanging, such as; Do they ever manage to turn the wolves that were kidnapped back into people? What about Tabs’ brother? Do they manage to change him? Do they manage to keep him a secret after the police get involved etc because of Mr Baldwin? And what happened to Felix’s dad? Presumably his family now know what he was involved in. Do they know why? How’s Felix taking it? Does Felix ever manage to become a wolf? Why, exactly, did Dorothy do all those dreadful things? She hated Murkle and its wolves so much that she even sacrificed her own daughter. We haven’t really been given a satisfactory reason for such a fanatical hatred yet. Is the answer all in Goliath Swat’s book, ‘The Murkle Truth'? Who was Goliath Swat? I would like to learn more about Goliath Swat’s book and its ‘prophecy’. We never found out what Dorothy took from the Goliath Swat book the Woodcutter had. Do we find that out in the next book? ‘someone needed to know where that house was…’ (Ch 33) This gets no more elaboration in the story. Who was the ‘someone’. Was it really illuminating Jinger or was it illuminating Jessica? Does this get elaborated on in the next book? And, finally, do we ever learn of the relationship between the Murkle Moon and the wolves? Questions, questions, questions… I love the way the story becomes more complex as it goes along, developing unexpected twists on its way. This is a well-executed, imaginative story with interesting characters, lovely bursts of witty one-liners and a really great moon. This is a perfect book for children and teens and if it was out on the bookshelves I would be recommending it. I know my younger daughter would love it! Sue

Okay Chapter 13 .... I got nothing. Great chapter! The mystery is really starting to build and at the same time unravel...can't wait to read more :) Eden

Chapter 12 Jinger noticed they stopped as Tabs passed each one and just lay down,... --that sentence is a bit confusing. You could try--Jinger noticed each one stopped and lay down as Tabs passed it, ... Or something like that. Mr. Baldwin seemed to be able to speak..., Jinger noticed. --that last bit, Jinger noticed, is unnecessary. It's already clear that Jinger is making an observation. They grouped together as though the weird shared experience had bonded them... --reads a bit awkward. Try--They grouped together as though sharing such a weird experience had bonded them... Such a short chapter! I'll just move on to the next, if you don't mind :) Eden

Chapter 32: Oh dear, I think I realize what this all means. The twists in this book are always unexpected, and in this, terribly agitating! I can't possibly imagine you'll wrap all of this up in two chapters! I really liked this chapter. The dialogue is very entertaining, and I laughed when Ms. Flapp noted that "she was sure she would never use that word." There's really only two thing I found: Stretching his legs into the ... Sounds like he's putting his feet into the fire. I might change it to: 'towards' the warmth... ... And that is what 'The Murkle Truth' book says is important - not sure you need book here. "I took the very unscientific leap.." loved this Two chapters left! I suppose I'll I'm thinking now is... Jessica!

As a training teacher, I have to say I think this book is perfect for 10+. It's hard to find a children's/YA book that isn't filled with borderline-pretentious descriptive language and excessive adjectives that make it hard for kids to stay focussed, but this one does so perfectly! Instead, Jinger relies on hilarious dialogue and details, along with necessarily quirky characters, making it a fun, palatable book for anyone to read. Well done!

Chapter 11 Jinger and Jessica were excited and as Douglas lay out their Wellingtons... --several awkward sentences in this paragraph. Quick fix: Jinger and Jessica were excited (period). But as Douglas lay out their Wellingtons and anoraks (decorated with...) (comma) he realized he would have to go with them. He had spent too much time (delete recently) letting his mother... Her mute grief streamed down the walls... --Nice visual but 'mute' doesn't add to the it at all. And it contradicts the earlier sentence because Granny Bloom is still talking. She's just perseverating. Fantastic twist with that phone call! Great ending to this chapter. Gosh I wish this was the only book I had to read Eden

Chapter 31: Things are falling into place. This chapter was necessary for Jinger (and our) understanding, and you wrote it succinctly, which keeps it interesting. Only one thing I stumbled on here: - Her birthday morning at least could be for just for her after all.- I stumbled on this sentence. There's nothing wrong with it, but I might remove 'after all.' feels a bit unnecessary. - I like how the midwife's a man. The typical gender-roles have been reversed in the past couple chapters, and I find myself grinning, and then wondering... Why do I even react at all? Great stuff. - I liked Douglas' slightly-snarky comment about their personalities. - " knowing she sounded like a grumpy teenager even though she'd only been thirteen for half a morning"- made me smile. - the details like the vanilla body mist are perfect: they put me into the story and make it feel real (I think we've all known an obnoxious 13-year old who smells nauseatingly of candy). - Jinger finally stands up to Jessica. I really like Jessica's threat of telling on her- I could practically hear it in my mind.

Chapter 9 Arthur's perks of being old--I like! They made me laugh. Their only son, David, (missing a comma) More details and depth on these characters are given, really bringing them to life. She did not find it very interesting. --POV shift Very, very cool twist on the moon and the Fifth Years. I feel like the moon is its own character. at this point, I'm really getting sucked in to this story. Chapter 10 This is so clever! Yep. That's all I got. Eden

Okay I'm typing this from my phone so bear with me. After chapter 5 there was a jump back to the mom's story. The chapter itself was a lovely piece of writing but I'm not sure it works yet. It was jolting to go from midscene, back to x amount of years in the past. Maybe a time stamp at the top would help...But maybe its because I can't pick out the relevance to what's immediately happening in Jinger's timeline. Chapter 8 Aha! Something I learned from you, if the 'e' at the end of blonde means it female, then the extra girl isn't needed. The tall blonde, Sasha, her bed was gone. Whatever, said Tabs, secretly relieved that... --POV shift here. But you tend to drop theses shifts here and there, so maybe that's your intended style. Soooo Jinger was born at the same time the moon wandered off! Intriguing... I did wonder at the end though, What does Felix whisper to make Jinger hate him?

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 15: I really like how this begins in Ms Flapp’s perspective and we see the inconveniences to her of living at school! This is something you do really well – telling the story through the eyes of many characters. It is also very clear, because of the way you divide up the perspectives, so the reader is never confused about whose mind we are in. I then like the continued development of this character, and the background information that is infused. Well done! An image I particularly loved was when she finds her ‘agile mind somehow rapidly vaulting over a series of horrible thoughts…’ : ) Cara xx

To be honest, I read through chapters 29 and 30 twice to find something wrong with them. I couldn't. So please give me a moment to be effusive in my praise. On chapter 29: It's difficult to write a book from so many POV's, but you do it masterfully, in my opinion. I think it serves as a perfect plot device that unravels mysteries without requiring too many "sit down and lets talk about this big reveal" moments. I think it's particularly effective, because each time it's from a different POV, it's a particularly important or emotional scene, so you find yourself caring about a character you know little about. also, I particularly liked how you described Max doing a little circle before settling himself back down on the couch, because I can perfectly imagine a pup doing this. On chapter 30: First paragraph was fantastic. And then you followed it up with an equally fantastic second paragraph! I really liked the fact that the police officer was a woman, and Arthur and Ms. Flapp's continued "polite-dance." they appear to be great friends, with a deep mutual respect. I really enjoy this little friendship. Also, Arthur seems to have a deep love for his cakes and biscuits! I'm very glad Ms. Flapp was able to make a decision when it counted, and I'm worried for Arthur! Please don't kill him off just yet! Please write me 4 more books, and if you must, kill him off at the end of the last, at the healthy old age of 142.

To be honest, I read through chapters 29 and 30 twice to find something wrong with them. I couldn't. So please give me a moment to be effusive in my praise. On chapter 29: It's difficult to write a book from so many POV's, but you do it masterfully, in my opinion. I think it serves as a perfect plot device that unravels mysteries without requiring too many "sit down and lets talk about this big reveal" moments. I think it's particularly effective, because each time it's from a different POV, it's a particularly important or emotional scene, so you find yourself caring about a character you know little about. also, I particularly liked how you described Max doing a little circle before settling himself back down on the couch, because I can perfectly imagine a pup doing this. On chapter 30: First paragraph was fantastic. And then you followed it up with an equally fantastic second paragraph! I really liked the fact that the police officer was a woman, and Arthur and Ms. Flapp's continued "polite-dance." they appear to be great friends, with a deep mutual respect. I really enjoy this little friendship. Also, Arthur seems to have a deep love for his cakes and biscuits! I'm very glad Ms. Flapp was able to make a decision when it counted, and I'm worried for Arthur! Please don't kill him off just yet! Please write me 4 more books, and if you must, kill him off at the end of the last, at the healthy old age of 142.

Rambling on into Jinger's world and her "freaky" school day. Build up was smoothe and character development gradual and non-obtrusive which provides believability. As good as you write Lucy you could have made this even more surreal and "trippy" in first person. The danger of course being anyone reading "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon "in that perspective may not want to come back to the real world. Another solid chapter.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 14: Ooohh yay I love how the mystery is revealed to Jinger! I’m also excited about this new threat of the Woodcutter that is introduced at the end of the chapter – just when I thought nothing new could come along, here you surprise me. Great stuff :) My little suggestions, hope they’ll help! -Not sure about the tense in the first para/maybe could make the sentences a little smoother? -Repetition of ‘used to it’ in the ‘girls went to bed late again’ → this is mentioned in previous para (about getting used to that after her mum passed away) so I’d reword to eliminate this maybe ‘The girls went to bed late again and Jinger wondered if she would ever adjust to this.’ :D Have a fabulous day! Cara

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 14: Ooohh yay I love how the mystery is revealed to Jinger! I’m also excited about this new threat of the Woodcutter that is introduced at the end of the chapter – just when I thought nothing new could come along, here you surprise me. Great stuff :) My little suggestions, hope they’ll help! -Not sure about the tense in the first para/maybe could make the sentences a little smoother? -Repetition of ‘used to it’ in the ‘girls went to bed late again’ → this is mentioned in previous para (about getting used to that after her mum passed away) so I’d reword to eliminate this maybe ‘The girls went to bed late again and Jinger wondered if she would ever adjust to this.’ :D Have a fabulous day! Cara

There is a sinister undertow here that keeps the story moving nicely, maybe it's the wolves and their yellow teeth, but whatever it's very nicely done and a bit scarey and mournful which contrasts nicely with some of the "nicer" aspects of the characters.

Chapter 28: Wow. I was not expecting that twist. Going back, you can pick up on very subtle clues, but only retrospectively. Why should Jinger take the bowl away until before she had finished with it- this sentence isn't quite clear. I really liked Jinger's embarrassment at her Dad. A very 13-year old thing to feel. ... An unlikely Christmas resurrection. Fantastic! Dorothy and Jessica are a match made in hell. I laughed aloud at their interaction.

Chapter 27: I like Tabs and her painful bluntness more and more. She's not perfect (thankfully), but got some great zinger's- this is fantastic dialogue through this character, Lucy. And i like Jessica less and less, which is also superbe. A couple of crits (very much of the "take them or leave them" sort): But now Tabs was snoring softly on the low wheeled bed in Jinger’s bedroom in Brink Stenton, it was another matter entirely- I think you might want "but now That Tabs..." "at a friend called Matt's house, but their dad." this sentence is a little long. I'd consider breaking it: "at a friend called Matt's house. Their dad just laughed." I really liked this sentence: "her leg felt like a piece of meat..." the only thing I would change, just to add a bit of contrast would be to say: "her cold leg felt like... And her warm one" - just to add a cold one/warm one contrast. "it was easier to say things to someone with the lights off-" This is utterly, utterly true. I'm not sure why I hadn't thought of it before. I'm going to have to save the mystery until tomorrow morning, but I really like the way things are picking up, and I'm enjoying Jinger come into her own, and begin to make some very lasting friendships. Oh- almost forgot to mention. I'd forgotten about Tab's baby suit. I laughed aloud when I pictured her in it, standing in the doorway to watch the snow. The pajamas are an excellent detail.

Chapter 26: I wasn't expecting a new background twist this late in the game. It's great- adds another layer of mystery and suspense. I was also very surprised by Mr. Skinner's fairly vicious reaction, but added another layer to an otherwise little-known character as a man who will not tolerate any threats to his students. I liked it! "were expecting to find no one alive..." to me, this reads a bit weird. It might be good as "were not expecting to find anyone alive." "it no longer contained."- contained feels like a strange word here. Maybe "held?" A very short chapter. This feels like a "lull before the storm-" things feel like they've resolved, but then you add another element to the story that hints at another danger?

Chapter 7 Okay I have a lot for you this time! Opening paragraph--the first couple of sentences were a bit choppy. Potential fix with "Surprise almost made Jinger drop her breakfast. A small amount of orange juice slopped/sloshed over the side of her glass as she fumbled with the tray... Properly, in fact, at all: The phrasing "in fact" and "at all" appeared a lot at the beginning of the chapter. The first two uses could be altogether dropped, seeming as they were extra phrasing. Your meaning came through clearly without them. The word properly was used twice in close proximity. Potential fix for a sentence that was just a mouthful-- Jinger was momentarily surprised that he knew her name (period) Then (she) remembered.... & Then you ended the chapter with another fantastic just-turn-the-page-already ending! Eden :)

Chapter 25: So good, and lots of genuine surprises. I didn't think we'd see Malcolm again, and I didn't think a certain someone would change. My favorite bits are probably - ms. Flapp's "rotating protection well," and the ex-curly-haired boy. Two sentences to look at: (groomsbridge): in fact that was what he told the others himself too. (a bit strange to read. I'd remove himself) (Malcolm): even the doesn't bleach work and it's stain on me (typo, I think) The chapters are getting more and more exciting, but the writing is also getting tighter. It's getting increasingly hard to critique!

Chapter 6 Jessica, Jinger, and Julia. I love it! This was a lovely chapter. I'm a sucker for romance and totally got caught up in the this little flashback from Jinger's mom. It such a short time, you made this character so richly developed! Impressive. It really gives us insight into the MC's family life. Great writing here Lucy. Loved the way you ended both the first and the last paragraph with mentions of forever. Eden

Chapter 24: -Really enjoyed the bickering between Felix and Tabs in this chapter. Jinger's calmer disposition is certainly a good thing for these two... it's too bad their parents probably don't much like her! -The only issue I came across: I was a bit confused at Tabs' reaction to Jinger's silver necklace- only because earlier in the chapter, she changed quite freely. Maybe you could mention (at her earlier transformation) that she'd run ahead/given herself a bit of distance before changing? -"to the west. No, that way. Towards the wall. The other wall."- This was hilarious. I really liked it. The chapters are really picking up!

Chapter 4 No problems here. Great chapter Chapter 5 You're wonderful at describing scenes, sometimes they just get a little bogged down in detail. ...he cried triumphantly, and chewed and swallowed carefully, and a bit proudly. --wow there's a lot adverbs & ands going in this one sentence. It reads a bit awkward. perhaps...he cried triumphantly, this time chewing and swallowing more carefully. Jinger padded to the bathroom herself in her new pale blue nightie and slippers, and returned with a glass of water. -- a ton of adjectives for a simple action. herself isn't needed. suggestion--Jinger padded to the bathroom in a pale blue nightie and slippers, returning with a glass of water. Your chapters are really ending with hooks now. But I have to go return some reads before I get mobbed :) I'll be back soon Eden

Wow, I loved this! Exceptionally well-written and with so many clever humorous touches, like "death could just find him through the proper channels some other time." Even though Arthur hasn't said or done much in this first chapter, he is instantly a likeable character. Reminded me of the grumpy old man in "UP," for the same reasons. I couldn't find anything to fault in your writing, and for me that's rare! Rated six stars, of course. I will back this as soon as I can work out how to do so. At the moment my computer's not letting me. So sorry it took me so long to get around to commenting on this, one thing after another pushed it out of my head. Well done!

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 13: I always love coming to read this book. It is so refreshing and enjoyable, and I truly am reading it because I want to, and not just because of an arranged read-swap and feeling obligated!! It makes me so glad, and well done :) I really liked the scene in the staffroom – could feel Ms Flapp’s discomfort. Malcolm and Arthur’s interaction was really cute and I really like the development of these characters. Also great development of this mystery to do with the ‘wolf children’ and who changes… Exciting! A few images/little descriptions I really liked “She had become his ground control as he let his imagination soar into the dark skies above.” “measuring the length of its immersion carefully” “growing quickly but in all the wrong places like a young tree” “it seemed to assist gravity to secure the boy’s sapling frame to the ground” A great mystery to finish the chapter! “What on Earth is Jinger doing here then?” Fabulous chapter, well done :) Cara

Lucy great job with the writing and I like your descriptive but concise style. You made the words and world of Arthur Oldham flow well in these first chapters. I'm glad I found this gem of a book. I will have this on my WL soon and shelving I'm sure as well.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Chapter 23. A great chapter. You add in a mystery, and you can feel Jinger's tension as she suspects that she's sitting in her grandfather's boat. I especially like how you added humour into a very suspenseful scene. "This struck her as over-dramatic as well as unexpected." - this entire paragraph manages to make me at once laugh and feel on edge. Very well done! I tried very, very hard to find something "wrong" with this chapter. It was tough. I read it twice. The only niggle: "Pippa and Suki would probably not have left her..." - Jinger hasn't spent much time with Pippa and Suki. Would she know that? Then again, maybe that's the point (?).

Chapter 3! This was a really cute chapter. It begins to delve a bit more into Arthur and the lovely and quirky Ms Flapp. I like her. The bit with the little girl not being able to decide which side of the tree to go around was both funny and touching. Even the moon has personality! His vivid dark eyes like flicks of calligraphy--oooh that's so pretty! Just a couple of things I noticed. You decide if any fixing is needed :) But it was the thrill of naming what he saw up there in the unique Murkle sky that made him delighted that he had abandoned his retirement.--that sentence reads a bit awkwardly. I think its the two thats ...but now his wife had called him and his small daughter in for supper.-- I wasn't sure about this one. Perhaps (now) should be (then) to keep tense in past? I'll be back! Eden :)

Hi Lucy, YARG Review This is going to sound weird but...I love your choice of words and the way you put them together. Some of your sentences have like a poetic feel at times.(I guess it's called wordplay? I don't know..) I can't really explain it but it makes sense in my head :D Anyways, this is a really Intresting premise and of couse very original. The first chapter for me was a little confusing at first, just because this is a YA book and it began with a retired person who thinks he's been living too long.But! once I read the second chapter, everything started to settle in. Your characters are well rounded complete with great voices. Your settings are well described...But most importantly you keep the reader's eyes on your work by not having any dull moments. Well it's important for me anyways, I have a really short attention span. I like this! Highly Starred :)

Hi Lucy, Things are really heating up. The latter chapters are getting tighter, each one better and better. I'm on to chapter 23, and I really have to rip myself away. Chapter 21: I couldn't honestly find anything "wrong" with it. I like the reflectivity in the narrative text, as you open with Felix in the boat, and describe his morning thereafter. It feels very gloomy, and is very well-described. I get the feeling he and Jinger are not yet out of trouble. Maybe I'm wrong? The only thing I'm confused about: did all the Woodcutters have shorn hair? It might be good to have a little more description of each one, particularly Smart and Grrombridge. Just a sentence, or even a phrase. I might have missed this though, so I'll go back and check out chapter 17. Chapter 22: One of my favorite chapters. It's short, and there's no critiques. I can only say that I absolutely loved how at this point, the foremost most priority for Arthur is the biscuits. For me, it speaks to a certain evasiveness. For others, it might just seem that Arthur really loves his biscuits. I don't doubt this is true. Either way, I loved it.

(YARG) Hi Lucy! I just read the first 11 chapters of your book! I really like the way you sort of have a little cliff hanger at the end of each chapter and then don't necessarily follow it up in the following chapter! I really like your characters (The indecisive Ms. Flapp is great!) I was a little confused in the beginning as to whether Jinger wanted to go to this school or not. It almost seemed at first as though she was going to try to get thrown out as opposed to just wanting to go home. Anyway, I loved it! High stars and a place on my shelf! Mindy

YARG review/ return read :) Dove right in and read a bit over the first chapter and a half and I was pleasantly surprised at what I'd read. When I read the pitch, I was intrigued by it, but I didn't think I would get so absorbed in it as I did. I will say I feel like I don't fully understand the concept of what exactly the murkle moon's point is or what it even does, and yet we're introduced to it right away. I know you may want to have people asking quesetions in order to continue reading and want to know, but it's just sort of my thought process and opinion. Also, I like Arthur, but I'm not sure that (for YA) others will because he's 100. I could see it if he was somehow 100 but looked like he was in his teen years how younger adults would relate, but even that would be a stretch. I'm not sure how he plays out in the rest of your novel either though. Highly rated for a good and imaginitive storyline and use of imagery. Brittany E. Melaney and the Mirror

I read your first three chapters. General comments: An addictive read. Stylish. Haunting. Jinger and Arthur are delightful central characters. Vivid visuals. Strong sense of place. Simmering tension. Smooth pacing. Specific comment on the first chapter: 1) Superb opening line. Specific comment on the second chapter: 1) ' ... and Jinger felt embarrassed that she was so relieved to see them.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her embarrassment to vividly the reader will experience it along with Jinger. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your scene. Specific comments on your third chapter: 1) 'Arthur felt a surge of excitement.' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his excitement so realistically the reader will experience it along with Arthur. By doing this, you'll draw the reader further into your scene. There is another case of 'felt' in this chapter. 2) "So Arthur, we have fourteen new stars and a new constellation." Comma after 'so.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it? Have a marvelous day, Lucy. Al

JINGER BARLEY This is a clever idea for a story: a strange wandering moon that has to be controlled hangs over the city. The idea of having twins as your main characters is also clever. I’m a non-identical twin, and like Jinger, my sister is the “pretty one”: short and cute with blonde hair. I’m tall and lanky. So I really identified with Jinger. She’s my soul-mate. If I had a suggestion, it would be to consider whether Arthur is the right character to begin the story. As this is a young adult story, it might be hard for your audience to identify with a 100 year old man who wants to die. Maybe begin with Jinger and then do a flashback to the night of the murkle moon? Either way, you have a wonderful story here. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Lucy, It's all getting very exciting so I've read up to (including) chapter 20. Thoughts: Chapter 17. A very good plot builder. I like how there's two issues going on here (the moon/star and the wolves/woodcutters). Your description of the woodcutter actually looking like wood was just brilliant. I couldn't find anything wrong here, but I think perhaps Felix's reaction (to seeing his father) feels a bit blunted, almost like he already knew. I can't tell if that's purposeful. Chapter 18: The only thing I can think of is that because the book is in the past tense, you might want to write "an hour before," rather than "an hour ago." Chapter 20: The chattering and laughing that had been unpacked.... This sentence is utterly brilliant. I love it. Awkwardly, because the gear shift was in the way... These little details are what makes your book so fun to read. I don't think anyone fits in at Murkle Manor. It's perfect... I actually fist-pumped at this line. Might be my favorite of the book. One critique: "she wished she had asked how she..." I might change this to "she wished she had asked how Tabs," to remove any complication. I also really liked the little detail that Jinger has picked up the Murkle accent (I'm coming up with accents in my head right now), and of course, and I delighted in the (brief) return of terrible Jessica.

Dear Lucy I have read the first three chapters of "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon" which I find a lively and amusing story. You use imagery very well, and create atmosphere beautifully, with wonderful colouring and empathy. Yours is a very articulate style, which I felt would do well with children as well as your target YA audience. Arthur is beautifully observed: his moods, feelings and attitudes refreshingly direct and relaxed. If I have any suggestion to make, it is that occasionally I felt that you might trim out passive verbs - go for the active, shortened version. Your word count is healthy, so you can afford to trim, and when you do, the sequence speeds up, with no loss of beauty. This is a tale of charming magic. I wish you well in your writing, for you are an engaging and imaginative storyteller. All the best Fran :-))

Wonderful narration. This definitely grabs the readier's attention and keeps it. Congratulations on a great novel. Michael

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} Chapter 1 Lucy, Hi Lucy! Thank you so much for taking the time to read in to The Ark of Humanity and for your in depth comment. It's wonderful to know that you're enjoying the read and I'm extremely glad to be getting in to Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon! Cover: I like the cover in general and the color of it. The J neclace is also a nice touch and I think the cover is a good choice for a YA audience. The one think I might have liked to see in the cover would be a depiction of the Murkle Moon itself, but I like the cover as is, so that may not be something to nit-pick about. Pitches: I greatly enjoyed both of your pitches and was made to want to read on when I read them. You approach the story well here and I love the fact that one of you main characters is a 100 year old man and that he will learn that his life is ahead of him. What a touching premise. You have the promise of a great story here! Chapter 1: You'll see that I comment on each chapter as I read and I'm happy to say that I loved your starting chapter and am looking forward to returning for more. Arthur is a great character to start with! I like how he contemplates his death but has no desire to actually end his life, and when he sees the Murkle Moon I love his reaction! It's so cool to envision the second moon in the sky too and when it shot a moonbeam down and illuminated the red-roofed house I had a perfect image in my mind! I also liked that you started at the beginning for the new millennium! This appears to be the start to a well written, endeering story and a tale to both teach and make smile. And I just realized he was born in 1900 as well! Happy Birthday indeed! I wonder... is the Murkle Moon connected to Arthur individually in some way? Hrm... I've gladly rated Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon six out of six stars and will return soon to read and comment more! Thank you so much for doing this read swap with me! Have a wonderful day! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity P.s. I've watchlisted the book as well so that I can return soon for more!

Hi Lucy, Chapter 17. I really like how you've described that it's hard to be a second wife. I think people often shy away from 'complicated' relationships in YA/children's books, and you don't. So great stuff there. On that note though, when you write "he knew such a thing would not have occurred to her," it's unclear if he's talking about it not occurring to Julia to go with him, or it not occurring to Helen to try to be like Julia. That phrase could do with a bit of clarification. In the second paragraph, you write 'although' twice in two sentences, which reads a bit weird. Otherwise, great chapter. I get the sense the next one is going to be big.

Hi Lucy, Chapter 16: Poor Felix! This chapter was really sad, but definitely necessary. It added a lot of tension and complexity to the plot, but nothing I think your audience won't be able to handle. I'm still really enjoying this, even if I'm feeling sad for Felix. I want to learn more about these Woodcutters, and the fact that you haven't explained fully who they are adds to the intrigue (and the willingness of the reader to keep reading). Specific thoughts: ... a disc of smudged chalk- what a great description! - "he did not walk close enough to them to hear the whining" - I think the problem here is that it's been a few chapters since we saw the foxes, so you have to think about who "them" is, which halts the flow. might be a quick fix of "he did not walk close enough to hear the caged foxes' whines from inside the classroom" - this is very nit-picky and a "your-choice" edit, but "outside on the sports field there was a large group of people," could probably be shortened to just "A large crowd had gathered on the sports field." up to you!

I love this! Absolutely beautiful writing that manages to weave serious and whimsical in just the right combination. Great opening line, and all the rest of it. High marks! Tod The Lost Wink

I love this! Absolutely beautiful writing that manages to weave serious and whimsical in just the right combination. Great opening line, and all the rest of it. High marks! Tod The Lost Wink

Hi Lucy, Chapter 15 is superbe. We gain a bit more insight into Ms. Flapp, and the major issues are becoming clear. I really like the introduction of Fran Mann. The details in things like names are so good. I love how you discuss the paranoia and melodrama of reporters too. It's always fun to read real-life issues subtly inserted. The plot is thickening, and I find myself more deeply intrigued than ever in this sentence. One thing I'm confused about: it feels like Ms. Flapp has changed her mind about the star. Before sitting down to read the article, she seems adamant that the exploding star won't be an occurrence at any point in the near future, nor that it will be a danger to the world. Then by the end of the chapter, she seems very worried about it. That's not a problem, but I feel like maybe there's a suddenness in her changing opinion that could be slowed with a simple "what if" sentence. I might be wrong about this';I may need to read on to be sure. One sentence that might need reworking: It would not turn night into day, (it would not) produce a second sun to cheer up a gloomy fortnight in late December and it would not end the world I loved the detail about the miniature kettle, and I'm increasingly interested in this temperamental moon! Elspeth

What a lovely title for a children's book. Murkle moon added a little mystery and magic at the beginning, and I liked the way you moved on from this and the millenium to Jinger and Jessica getting ready for school. I did find it strange how the names of the children were Jinger, Felix, and Tabs, which put an image in my mind of cats. The first two chapters which I read are written very well and they are both interesting and imaginitive . Great work. Junetee(Four Corners) 6 stars

Ok just brief comments: Chapter 13: I like the introduction of Malcolm and the further suggestion of how "non-wolves" feel left out. On the chapter when you talk about going "to the Front," I had to read the paragraph twice. It takes a few chapters before you explain the War, and I think "kids these days" might be a bit removed from it, and not understand the term. So that might need a bit of reworking. Chapter 14: "I'm not shocked," said Jinger, horribly shocked... Such a good line. Finally found a typo! I think: she "lent" should be tabitha "leant" when she's turning into a wolf.

great personification! j what every woman should know

This book has become my "treat" to read every day. The tone is perfect, the characters are delightfully quirky, and you accomplish the one thing I demand from a children's book: you make me laugh at least once per chapter. Chapter 11's favourite: "All I got was directions to Murkle." Chapter 11 comments: - Wow. I was not expecting the twist at the end of chapter 11. Very, very well played. - Two critiques: "Douglas sometimes wondered if he would have been proud... " Too many "ifs" in this sentence, I think. Maybe reword it? Something like "Douglas sometimes wondered if he would have been proud, had he lived long enough to meet the twins." "She was not an adventurous woman..." I got tripped up by this sentence. I might change it to something like this: "She was not an adventurous woman; she seemed to feel that if she kept herself safe, then that might somehow protect Mr. Bloom as well while he was at sea." Chapter 12: I think you did a great job of explaining the biology (I just learned that about dogs and humans!) in a simplistic manner. I also love that Jinger seems to be finding her place, and her voice, in this new school. Great ending- I was only going to read 2 chapters, but now I'm going to have to read more tonight!

Hi Lucy, This had an intriguing start with old man Arthur and the Murkle moon. I'm really curious about that moon and why it only appears in this one place. You've managed to engage the reader with mostly the narrative and for me, that's impressive since I lean towards the descriptive and dialogues. Plus you know how to write a hook. I was especially held by the second chapter's ending, especially since I intended for it to be my last for now... :D It started to read a little like Harry Potter in chapter 2; mysterious school with a hint of the magical. The whole atmosphere really reminded me of Hogwarts. Oh, thanks a lot for making me despise Jinger's twin sister... almost with a passion haha :D She sounds like a real bitch. I loved that addition to the depth of Jinger's personality that despite her twin's obvious moral shortcomings, she still wants to be like her. I honestly can't tell you anything you haven't heard already, all good stuff for sure. It's a very clean and well written story (the little I read). That's all I found below... -> through a mouthful of her hair as she turned to opened the door. 6 Stars and will shelf when space opens up. Edwin - The First Oath

Hi Lucy, I enjoyed your story. It is very well written and draws the reader in from the beginning. I liked the contrast from the first chapter following the centurion at (seemingly) the end of his life, to the second chapter following the children. Nice hook at the end of chapter one with the appearance of the 'Murkle moon'. I am still curious as to how they control this moon! I liked how this moon seemed to have its very own character; trying to sneak across the sky. In the second chapter your characterisation is very strong. I immediately felt empathy for poor Jinger and animosity towards the horrid twin, Jessica. I also wanted the dad to get a sharp wake-up call. It seems he is either completely unaware or disinterested in the relationship between his daughters. Either way, you make the reader care and feel strongly for your characters. The only bit of crit I would offer is that you repeat names too frequently (IMO). Some places I felt that it would be obvious that we are still reading about Jinger's thoughts/actions without having to repeat her name again. It makes it feel a little clunky and I think it would read more smoothly without this. (This is something I am constantly looking out for in my own writing.) I think you have a really good book here and I am sure it won't take long for you to get to the ED. Best of luck Tania Johansson Book of Remembrance

This book gets better and better. I love the characters the more i get to know them, and I think you've come up with the most original and hilarious quirks! I still don't understand this moon- and I'm quite sure that's deliberate. I'm looking forward to reading more, and I think the tone and style are perfect for a children's book. Critiques on chapter 3: My two favourite sentences have to be a tie between "... and beyond what any reasonable person would charitably call 'borrowed time.'" and "Laugh out Loud." I certainly did. One issue: "It had embarrassed her at first..." - this sentence troubled me. I would suggest trying to cut it down. I'll be back for more after Easter, and will be shelving this beauty!

(YARG) Hi Lucy, returning your YARG review of Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams. Thanks again for that! You have a beautiful turn of phrase. The first line is fabulous. And I love the idea of the Murkle Moon and the real one colliding - brilliant. My main issue was with the pace which was just a little slow for me. It was slowed down in part by your use of quite long sentences e.g. "Arthur stopped one last time at the point where he would need to leave the road and start down the narrow wooded path leading eventually to the street where he lived." is a bit of a mouthful as is the second sentence in Chp1. Reading work aloud (even just to yourself) really helps to get rid of some of the more convoluted phrases/sentences. When I read to my kids (9,6 and 2), I can tell the better written stories just by how easy they are to read aloud. More than once I had to re-read the sentence to understand what you meant, sometimes the sentence construction (see sentences mentioned above) is overly complex. I know that you are trying to convey Arthur's narrative voice, but maybe there's a better way of doing it? Sometimes I thought the pace suffered also because you had put in too many adjectives (I am guilty of this myself), so you have "The Murkle Moon was in the sky over the little town and a bright beam of light cut clearly through the torn clouds, highlighting a small red roofed house like a lighthouse pausing too long on a troubled ship." This sentence is also quite long, so that by the time we get to the simile about the lighthouse, I wasn't sure whether you were comparing the red-roofed house to the lighthouse or the Murkle moonbeam. But if you took out half the adjectives (you def don't need small and little in the same sentence) I think the meaning would be clearer. I think they say choose one really good adjective rather than having two or three and you don't need an adjective for every single noun in the sentence, it really slows the pace. This is, of course, nit-picking and from the slew of positive comments below you don't need to worry too much, but I think these points would make your work even better!! There's lots of good here. Best of luck with this, Sharda.

Very original ideas and beautifully written. I love the complexity of the characters, Mrs Flapp and her problem with choices. I liked the way she and Arthur avoided mutual embarrassment. Arthur too is a great character. I laughed a lot in the first chapter. I thought maybe the first para. needed sorting out a bit. Perhaps miss out 'for a man of his age' which doesn't seem to make sense. Also maybe get rid of the 'ands' and use short sentences to make things clearer and funnier. Having said that I knew as soon as I read the first paragraph that I was going to enjoy the book! Nothing else jarred at all. I read the first four chapters then dipped in further on to see what was going to happen. Definitely something a bit different. High stars and will stay on my watch list until I may actually have a place on my bookshelf.

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 10: Another very enjoyable chapter! I like the way we got to know more of the students, and the setting of the Natural History lesson. I also am beginning to wonder more about the strange happenings at this school… and if somehow, this study of foxes is going to lead…. Maybe into a study of wolves, and then they become wolves!! Ooh I’m really interested and intrigued :) The dialogue is also nice and familiar, and you mimic a classroom scene well. Great attention to small details that bring this chapter to life and make me feel like I’m right there! editorial comments following in email, having yet more troubles GRRR anyway :) Cara

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 9: In this chapter, the focus returns mainly to Douglas, the twins’ father. It is great how you have all these chapters written in slightly different perspectives; so we get to know all of the characters well. The fishing scene is delightful. I also particularly love the imagery of Douglas ‘anchoring’ his daughters – you have great descriptions that really fit in with the mood and characters. Like here, we are learning about his fisherman heritage, and anchoring is to do with boats! Simply fabulous how all your images tie in together : ) You also continue to skilfully weave the threads together. Soo exciting how Arthur is Jinger’s grandfather too!! ---- Third para, I’d say “As soon as she got around to asking if she could help them find anything, the chime on the door would sound and they would be gone. No, they always replied, just came for a browse.” Fourth para, I’d say “… no one really wanted to be in Brink Stenton – so why should they buy a trinket to remember it?” Next section, first para; I’d say “… his father had always told him stories about his adventures.” And “Douglas sometimes wondered if he would have been proud of the twins, if he’d lived long enough to meet them.” Third section, third para; I’d say “He half-heartedly opened it to the puzzles page and saw that most of it had already been pencilled in by Dorothy.” All the best, Cara

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 8: In this chapter, there is a more explicit overlapping of threads – heightening the tension, as the reader begins to speculate more and put the ‘pieces of the puzzle’ together. There is also further excellent development on the relationship between the twin sisters. What you do very well here is your description about the past memories – I like it how it is separated by the (***) and you write in the present tense for more impact! I’m also a fan of the interweaving with past and present. It changes up the story and also enables you to leave little clues and hints throughout your work. Maybe a little similar to what I do with my ambiguous ‘spirit/thought/dream’ chapters huh?? ;) Some editorial suggestions: Second para; I’d just say “she said, instantly ruining Jinger’s chance…” (remove ‘to Jinger’ after she said, so we don’t get the repetition of the name!) “What she did not notice at first this morning…” this sentence seems a little clunky and I wonder if the reader needs to know this? I know that later there is the scene with the whiteboard and the second marker pen… but this sentence just seems out of place at that point in time… Is it relevant that Jinger doesn’t notice it at first? Maybe trim that bit then? Not sure, just some thoughts Actually that’s it for this chapter! The use of dialogue in the third ‘segment’ is extremely well handled. Well done! Cara

this is a really good read, its different and enjoyable, love the start with arthur,i can just imagine him. on my shelf Alison

Chapter two felt a little long to me, with lots of different people and events to try and follow, but I still enjoyed it. I LOVED the bit about looking out of the window and seeing the man pursued by wolves. Very strange. I've read several chapters now, from different sections, and you maintain the voice really well. This feels an accomplished and flowing read that's a bit different. Enjoying it a lot.

Just read chapter one. Liked how it started with Arthur. I like to link in to a character, and he was immediately interesting. The appearance of the Murkle moon really startled me out of things - what a great idea, how weird. At once I want to know what's going on in this place that is at once very familiar, and very strange. Glad Arthut didn't jump, going to carry on reading now. Cariad.

{Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon} – Lucy Middlemass Chapter 7: A great chapter, where we find the character of Arthur is developed further, through skillful use of dialogue and thought (transitions into memory). This character development is combined with plot development; more questions are raised about the significance of the Murkle Moon, what happens at this school, and what is going to happen to Jinger – who was born on that fateful night when the Moon wandered too far, and who now is at this school where the older students seemingly turn into wolves. A fantastic storyline is unfurling; I’m beginning to wonder if there is some sort of warewolf connection here. Well, either way, this is a refreshingly interesting and original story. I also particularly like how the plot is developed alongside the characters – the reader doesn’t feel lost in just any old fantasy story, but rather feels that they can connect to the people within the story. This adds a sense of realism to the work, and I am sure it will also broaden its appeal! One last thing – great descriptions and I particularly liked the personification of celestial forms (‘nervous sun’). You really are fabulous in your descriptions of the night sky – it’s like another character itself!

C6: Oooh I love this chapter; it is packed with subtle little hints, planting little seeds of ideas in my mind… making me wonder about the significance of everything… The wolves and the ‘pack’; what really does happen at this school? Is there some kind of significance surrounding Jinger and Jessica because of when they were born? Especially given the first chapter… when Arthur is gazing up at the Murkle Moon at the turn of the millennium. And now Jinger is in Murkle… ooh I like how all these threads are coming together!! : ) And also, what a cliffhanger… what does Felix do that is ‘so kind that she instantly changed her mind’?? There is also good development here showing the relationship between Jinger and Jessica; interwoven into the story so that the reader gradually learns more and more about why Jinger went away to boarding school, to escape her sister’s nastiness. My favourite bit was definitely the descriptions to do with Jinger’s age and birthday – ‘Jessica was new and young, the inaugural child of the silver new year whereas Jinger was a lingering remnant of the instantly unfashionable thousand years before.’ A few humble suggestions; Second sentence “In fact it was emptier…’ (I’d reword so the ‘in fact’ comes first; emphasizing how this is unusual/unexpected) Para ‘Tabs continued…’ I’d reword to say ‘Tabs continued without seeming to notice that Jinger had not replied.’ I just had to reread the sentence I found it a little confusing and also maybe ‘to any of it’ can be cut, as it’s implicit? Para ‘the girls were joined after a short time…’ Second sentence I’d say ‘Well, at least they had showered.’ Make the tone more conversational? Maybe also convey Jinger’s exasperation a little more. Hope this is useful! Well done on another great chapter : ) Cara

Really enjoyed this, Lucy. The prose is superb, clear and concise and age-appropriate but never lacking in originality or depth. I didn’t notice too may typos or formatting problems which makes for a terrifically smooth, immersive read. One or two of the commas/full-stops seem to have gone walkabout, some of the compound adjectives appear to be missing their hyphens (eg. ‘red-roofed,’ ‘red-welly-wearing,’ etc) and occasionally the punctuation surrounding dialogue feels a bit ‘off’ (eg. …put his arm around her, confused [full-stop not comma] ‘Mummy is calling us, Nina…’) but these are all really easy fixes should you choose to do so. I love all the quirkily comic phrasing and subtly convoluted wordplay (eg. ‘he had lived longer than seemed reasonable for a man of his age,’ ‘Jinger sometimes thought she was awake when she was dreaming, but rarely thought she was dreaming when she was awake’ etc). Such phrasing really brings the prose alive, lending the narrative an appealingly oddball, off-kilter feel which seems to mirror the subtly fantastical goings on at the heart of the novel. Both Arthur and Jinger come across as extremely likeable, kind-hearted, funny, appealingly flawed, original individuals, just the type of characters readers (especially younger readers) will enjoy spending time with, rooting for etc. Good use of occasional italicised internal monologue inserts to allow the reader an instant snapshot of a character’s mindset/emotional state etc. I’m assuming Arthur and Jinger meet up at some point, maybe joining forces to solve the Murkle Moon riddle?? I can certainly see them working well together. Comically, if nothing else, they feel like a perfect fit. The dialogue is particularly good. It’s clear and purposeful and helps both to subtly flesh out the various characters as well as adding good energy to the scenes. I did think that perhaps you could lose some of your dialogue tags (or maybe simply get rid of non-essential adverbs, use ‘said’ instead of ‘cried’, ‘offered’, ‘gabbled’ etc??) although I know from my brother (he writes children’s adventure novels for MacMillan) that it’s an accepted convention to use more elaborate/evocative tags re dialogue for younger readers, so maybe I’m off base here?? In terms of the structure of the novel, I like the way you use the opening chapter to establish the ‘historical/fantastical’ context for the rest of the novel. I also like the way that, although there are clearly fantastical elements to the novel, they don’t dominate the book. They’re just there to add another dimension to what, on many levels, feels like a thoroughly believable, attractively conventional teenage adventure. Clever stuff. I was, however, slightly confused in the opening paras of chapter 3 as to whether this was 1999/2000 or modern day?? I think, however, if you label the opening chapter as a ‘Prologue’ and have ‘Chapter One’ as your current chapter two there would be less potential for confusion?? Also, unless they serve some specific purpose I haven’t noticed yet, I don’t think you really need to date every single chapter/point out when a new day begins etc. Perhaps simply date chapter one (maybe just ‘September, 2012’ unless the specific day/date are relevant??) and make it clear in the narrative (as you appear to do) what day of the week it is, when a new day begins etc?? Also, although I really like the way you portray Jinger’s experiences of starting at a new school (and I’m sure this would appeal to your target readers) the pace of the novel in the opening chapters does feel rather leisurely. From my point of view, the pacing is fine - and I’m really enjoying taking my time getting to know the characters that make up your novel, the significance of the Murkle Moon etc - but I do wonder whether younger readers may become frustrated by the lack of obvious plot progression?? Then again, as I say, I don’t read or write teen fiction, so maybe I’m wide of the mark here?? In short, an extremely well-written, engagingly original, quirkily comic piece of teen fantasy. Very highly starred and on my shelf. Thanks and best of luck. P

First of all, I must say that your title is adorably quirky and cute! You captured the setting of the boarding school very well, I think. Though I've never been to one, I could picture each scene vividly. The first chapter had a great opening paragraph. Immediately gets the reader interested in this hundred year old man who seemingly can't die. Then with with chapter two, the voice changes completely. I'm interested in reading further just to see how you handle merging such vastly different voices in your story. That being said, there were a few things that I wanted to make a mention of. Hopefully, they will be of use to you. The combination of his just-got-out-of-bed body and his ready-to-see-things-clearly head was, for Jinger, a typical dad-look. --That sentence made me pause in puzzlement. I've only ever heard of just-out-of-bed hair or bed-head. And how can his head look ready to see things clearly? In the rest of the paragraph you've already done a really good job of describing how her dad looks after just waking up and the feeling Jinger gets with seeing him that way. In the paragraph that begins with--Upstairs, Jessica was already up... There's a brief switch in POV from Jinger to Jessica's head. Jinger's dad had already given Jinger's--maybe you could get rid of one of those 'Jinger's' with Their dad had already given Jingers; or Jinger's dad had already given hers... I have to admit, I was thinking Jinger and Jessica were in high school, at least fifteen or sixteen, and was surprised to learn that they were only 12! Okay, done with the first two chapters! Thanks for the lovely reading :) Eden

C5: Love the transition to the parents! It was great to have the story shift in perspective again; and to gain more insight into their lives. The way you develop your characters is excellent; this is a story that is very much focussed on the characters - as opposed to simply action and events. Action, interest and tension is built through your characters - not just around them. I also enjoyed the fact that when they were younger, Jinger and Jessica were playing together in the garden - it sort of suggests a really nice, friendly relationship... so I thought back to Jessica's nastiness that we were exposed to earlier on... and it sparked a few questions in my mind. Loved the image at the beginning, of 'Forever' having other ideas. What a delightful image, and the personification of time is just great! I'd rewrite the sentence in the para about the phone and greetings etc as; 'To her shame, sometimes she just had to let it ring.' I think it sounds a little simpler and clearer. Para after when Julia answers the phone and smiles at the joke between her and Douglas... in the last sentence I'd put a comma after 'eat', because the subject of the sentence sort of shifts a little. Overall, I find it truly delightful how you hold the reader so captivated in your story, even through the depiction of rather ordinary days -- like Julia's work as a receptionist. For me, it just points to the fact that you have extremely 'human', likeable characters, who the reader can identify with. Great stuff :D Cara

(Yarg Review) Hi Lucy, despite you making me cry with your cruel comments :-) I have approached your book with an open mind. There is so much to like here. It is by far my favourite book of the ten or so I've looked at on here so far. Your characters are great your dialogue is perfect and there's some very interesting ideas at play. (check my other reviews, I'm not normally so gushy) That being said I still think you have a lot of work to do to get it ready for publication General comments: excellent opening sentence but a weak second one. I think you need a shorter pithier follow up. Whilst there is a lot of nice imagery in the opening chapter it's pretty long considering it doesn't really tell us an awful lot and doesn't leave us with a true burning question to keep us reading. Yes the town with a moon is curious but it feels like something bigger should have hapened to pull us in. If the meniton of the end of the world is not significant to the later plot I'd leave it out as its distracting and a red herring which removes the reader from the reality of the novel use more contractions especially in dialogue. Use more dialogue you're great at it but you seem desparate to avoid it. I think this is especially important as you tend to have rather long sections of description without much to break it up for the reader. You sometimes summarise dialogue in narration. This is too much telling not showing (a big don't according to every book on publishing I've ever read. The sister Jessica is incredibly horrible. I hate her. She's such a great character. She is my brother Daniel! Chapter 1 shouldn't WOULD be in italics not CATCH (his death...) ? I'm not sure 'even nearer hit' works / makes sense attune sounds a little odd / too high register perhaps leave more of a cliffhanger at end of first chapter. it feels too resolved CH2 again what a brilliant first sentence. I think you should write haikus! was on A steep incline the 'being chased by the three shaggy animals' sentence is unnecessary. The reader will automatically assume the wolves are chasing. as neatly as usual sounds a bit odd, as neatly as ever perhaps? nobody used SATCHELS anymore ? I can't believe we're not FIRST YEARS anymore.. (also first years doesn't need capitalisation) Jinger guessed that this was her new form form tutor, Ms Flapp. With her big, preoccupied eyes and.... (spllit into two sentences this reads a lot better. If he HADN'T HAD a small quantity of... Why no reaction to Jinger saving Felix? wouldn't the teachers have congratulated her? You don't mention the reaction of the staff or the children or even the teacher who was speaking. Also it doesn't seem like there's been that much unpleasantness to make Jinger want to leave the school schouldn't you find a way to humiliate her a little more? I hope you don't think I'm being contradictory I'm happy to answer any questions or you're more than welcome to ignore me. best wishes Benedict

C4: You establish connections between the reader and Jinger nicely. I like how the thought of her last meal triggers the memories of her father – this is excellent (using present action to trigger thought/reflection/memory) – a great way to develop character and provide background information! The awkwardness of Jinger in this new environment is shown excellently through the physical descriptions of what she is wearing, her mannerisms, etc… Indeed, you show how she is out of place – as opposed to just saying it. I also thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue! Especially with that comment about the ‘incident last night…’; creating ambiguity and mystery, and making the reader want to read on to find out what happened! The characters so far are all shaping up to be extremely likeable. There is a light-hearted edge to your storytelling, which will no doubt appeal to the targeted audience of young adults. This is shaping up to be such a delight!! Thank you so much for sharing!! Cara

C3 What a delightful chapter! Well, as all your chapters are so far! I love reading your work; it is so easy and fun to read. It’s like a breath of fresh air; lovely and calming. I love the way the stars were referred to as ‘Awkward buggers’! The language is great and familiar; the tone conversational, and the reader feels like they are there! Some lovely images here; the ‘dark eyes like flicks of calligraphy,’ … ‘woo the stars out of the sky with his snake-charmer’s telescope’… ‘red welly wearing’ – among my favourites! Now, you really know how to create likeable characters, don’t you!? -- I love how Arthur is an all technologically-up-to-date great-grandfather! And I love Ms Flapp’s undeciseveness, and the flashback to when she is younger. It also really gives the feeling that you know your characters inside out, and have constructed them as complete human beings – as opposed to randoms, just serving a purpose here and there in the story, when it suits. I also thoroughly enjoyed the personification of the moon – you really give it a life of its own! Only a few little nitpicks : ) First para, I’d put a comma after ‘candelight’. Second para, I’d remove the ‘being’ – just say ‘He slid out of the way, careful not to disturb…’ Para ‘But Arthur had not returned to the school..’ I’d say ‘when it had appeared’ (that the moon was sulking) – add in the ‘had’ to match the tense of the first part of the sentence. Para ‘Arthur however…’ (next one), I’d say; ‘He worked best…. and tonight there were so many nameless stars on their list < , all > looking pretty much alike.’ Coming back for more!! (Yes, dosed up on herbal tea and chocolate :D )

Had a moment to read chapter three and I love Arthur! Will read more when I get some more time!

YARG Review Lucy, Great short and long pitch! Definitely raises the reader's curiosity. Love the short pitch in particular - "Bloody moons." :) I've read the first couple of chapters. I immediately began to like Arthur in chapter 1. The character of an old man who's had enough comes out well in your writing, as well as the part of him that still cares a little about life but he would never admit it. The old "grumpy-old-man-with-a-heart" act. A question I had was, can other people not in Murkle see the Murkle Moon too or not? This wasn't clear to me. Chapter two was also well written and I think a good fit for the female YA audience. Being a guy, I sensed though that you may be at risk of losing some of the male audience at this point as there is a fair bit of girl talk. For example, about Jinger getting dressed and hoping to fit in with the right fashions, her sister's hair-spray and perfumes, her satchel/backpack dilemma and things like that. For the girls, I think you have done a great job and I can see a lot of them relating to Jinger's feelings and emotions. However, some parts might be a bit too girly for the boys. It really only matters if you are also after the male YA audience. The reason I thought to mention this is that I was drawn in by the story of the Murkle Moon in chapter 1, but found chapter 2 to be quite different in feel. I was excited by your book from the first chapter, but as a boy, less so by chapter 2. I felt that you also did a good job of describing Jinger's settling in (or not settling in) at the school. I got a creepy feeling about the school too. Sounds like something weird is in the making. What did she see in the hall??? Guess I have to read on. Lots of stars for this. Best of luck, Raf 'J-Town'.

C2 Oooh I love it how we’ve skipped forwards in time, with a new character!! It keeps the reader in suspense, because after reading your pitch and first chapter, we wonder how on earth this is all going to fit together?!? The character of Jinger is developed nicely and she is really likeable : ) I also like how you draw the reader in by creating a sort of ‘familiarity’ with her – like describing the smell of her room. And also, how the chapter opens really in Jinger’s point of view – so we identify with her more, and feel sympathy for the way she is treated by her sister. I also love how you bring in their location mid way through… and we have that link with Murkle… Now you have the reader captivated and eager to see where things are going to lead!! We know that something is brewing… but we don’t know what. Very skillfully done. You also weave memory and reminiscing/background information into the current story in a well balanced manner – just enough so that the reader gets a good picture of Jinger, her past, her story… etc. But not too much so that we feel overwhelmed and lost in ‘past’ action as opposed to the present plot. The other pupils are easy to picture, and you use dialogue well in order to portray their personalities – top job with the dialogue!! Now for a few tiny points : ) I’d suggest in opening sentence having a ‘comma’ after the first dreaming – to distinguish between the two sort of components of the sentence Stylistic point, under ‘Tuesday 5th sep’ I’d say she ‘ate her branflakes with only her dad to keep her company.’ When Jessica talks to her sister and you use ‘she said nastily’, immediately the image that comes to my mind is a malicious nastiness, not a ‘friendly sibling nastiness’. I know that later on we see how mean Jessica is, but at this particular point in time you might want to use a softer adverb… just so the reader isn’t jarred – and then we are shown Jessica’s nastiness, and don’t need to be told… if that makes sense? In the para ‘Jinger suddenly felt better’ (on the bus)… I’d split it after ‘spoke a little differently’. The subject kind of changes slightly, and the physical separation on the page would draw emphasis to the fact that Jinger feels further from her dad. Final section: I’d say “She was sure that her strange early morning dream… HAD BEEN caused…” instead of was. Grammatical point but I can’t remember how to say it in English, only French which is a bit useless haha!! :S there’s a name for the tenses… Then, I’d say “She was even more certain that she would now be very late.” (or that she was going to be) – conditional tense, for something that is going to happen in the future (being late to class – even if she already is late, the actual impact of this action is not going to be relevant until she IS late in class, if that makes sense?) I reckon also you could describe Jinger’s annoyance – without saying she felt annoyed. We are already starting to feel her annoyance, with the fact they did not open the curtains, etc… so if you just add another sentence I think the image/feeling would be strengthened – a show not tell opportunity! And lovely last line to finish on – all on its own for impact. I do love a cliff hanger ending too :D Great stuff!! Cara

Lucy, it's me again. :) Chapter 14 This chapter is all about Felix, and for some reason, I really loved it. I told you once that I find him charming and lovely. In this chapter, you gave me enough reason to like him more. I thought the fact that he wanted so badly to be able to change already says a lot of things. In your narrative, you clearly described him as a strong, smart boy, but at the same time, I felt that he was loving and caring, too. He wants badly to be able to change because he wants to belong to the rest of his kind, but then, I see through him that he wants to get closer to his brother more than that. I liked that very much about this character. :) But of course, it didn't happen. He wasn't destined to be a wolf and for that I feel sad for him. But even so, there is a great anticipation in me on how he will handle his fate. That is very interesting! By the way, I so loved the last paragraphs. I also want to commend you for the wonderful explanation and details you gave about the whole wolf thing. It's clearer to the readers how it happens and for who. I know Jinger is not like them, but is she really? I don't know yet what awaits for our little girl but I'm sure going to find out! Like always, I enjoyed this, Lucy. Flows smoothly, great descriptions, and very few, but punchy dialogue. Keep it up! Your friend, Di

Dear Lucy, Let’s begin with the short pitch; it’s extremely well done! Had me intrigued… I wanted to know what this story was about. It is specific enough to your story, but at the same time has a mysteriousness and ambiguity to it – that makes the reader look on because they want to know what on earth this is going to be about!?! Your long pitch sets the scene nicely for the story… and I immediately wanted to jump right in. Chapter 1 done, and I haven’t been let down! I thoroughly enjoyed the musings on death, and the portrayal of the world through Arthur’s eyes. I wonder if it is possible to deepen his characterization at all at the beginning… somehow the sentence ‘It would be a simple thing to jump’ needs a little more context/explanation, because it is a very powerful word. And, I think needs more distinction… from him just being suicidal. Maybe if after this sentence you said something like; “Yes, an odd thought really. It wasn’t like he was compelled to jump… but rather it was just something he could do, and the thought of jumping didn’t bother him.’ If you see what I mean I think there needs to be a bit more distinction between what could be a compelling, dark, suicidal thought… and just a nonchalant, wafting thought of an old man who could die, could not… and neither would really matter.. Wow that was a long rant about that, didn’t mean it to be, because all in all I thought that was a very small point, and that the whole chapter was beautifully written! A very polished piece so far, and easy to read- --- sooo important especially given your ‘Young Adult’ target audience, and sometimes younger readers are not very patient. I like the development so far, and am intrigued for where this is going to lead. Also love the idea about the wandering moon, it’s kinda cute and funky, which is a great thing! Original, entertaining… great job, top marks! Into a bit more picky stuff… Stylistic suggestion; put ‘That was not the case’ in the first para in a line of its own for emphasis? Para ‘maybe tonight…’ a couple of sentences in, I’d write it as ‘The wind howled and his jacket billowed, while his long silvery hair flew out behind him.’ Just to change it up a bit from having all the ands. But it works both ways! I think it’s more a stylistic thing too… Para “But even old Arthur..’ I’d put a comma in here as follows ‘night by himself< , > despite protests from…’ Para ‘The Murkle Moon had always shone…’ at the end, I’d say ‘still a sliver’ – emphasizes the fact that the normal moon IS still there ;) – and thus, the incongruity of it all The last sentence ‘That was where Arthur was headed to…’ I’d put in a line of its own Hope this has been helpful! :D I wish you all the best with this piece, I’ll definitely be back for more. ;) Cara The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Chapter 13 This chapter focuses on Ms. Flapp. It's nice to know her background, her family, and her achievements, too. She's a very witty lady and quite famous, too. Through the narrative, i felt her concern for her craft and at the same time her concern over the students at their school. Things are getting more serious because of the disappearances and the possibility of more danger. Frances Mann definitely stirs up the plot. In the beginning you showed Tabs being in trouble. Was she worried because Jinger knew their secret now and she'd tell people about it? Or was she just nervous because she changed in front of her when she shouldn't have? Mysteries. Secrets. More mysteries. How wonderful! I thought you wrote this chapter flawlessly. Great job, Lucy! Will definitely come back for more. Your friend, Di

Hey Lucy :) Chapter 12 As I was reading, I felt really sad for Jinger. I wished Granny Bloom didn't have to go and leave her. She was awake late that night, which means she couldn't stop thinking about her. Poor child. I felt the love she has for her granny and her longing to be with her. Granny Bloom must have been a very good granny to her for her to feel that way. And it's good to know that they were close. The line below would be better off a start to another paragraph. I thought doing that will give more emphasis to it. She reached the foyer and noticed light... Wow! Tabs is a wolf—how amazing! I really enjoyed Tabs in this chapter. Sooo cute! But we only knew they can transform to wolves in this chapter, or have I missed anything in the previous ones? I hope not! "You can't really be at this school and not know the wolf thing..." I thought it's better of if she said wolf transformation thing? I'm not really sure... I thought you did a great job in giving us information about the wolves and Murkle magic through their conversation rather than narrative. I enjoyed this chapter the most, and if I may, I would wish that chapters like this go in the beginning to establish your strong hook early on. Just something to think about. :) Great stuff, Lucy. I'll continue with 13. Your friend, Di

Hi Lucy, it's me again. :) Dr Skinner's way of asking for biscuits made me smile. If Dr Skinner was attending to school matters elsewhere there were sometimes... This line sounded a bit off to me. It was either it needs a break somewhere or you need to turn the words around. I know you can figure it out. Mr. Baldwin is rude, isn't he?! Good characterization. With a few exchange of dialogue, you managed to show us what his personality is. I loved the new bit you've given about the Murkle Moon. More and more, you're letting us into Arthur and Ms. Flapps' heads. More and more, you're engaging us with the plot and the mysteries behind the Murkle Moon. Arthur naming things says something about his personality. You did a great job with this character—he's easy to picture, easy to believe he's real, and easy to like. I like Ms Flapp, too, but not too much yet because I don't know what her agenda is. I would love to know, of course. I enjoyed the narrative about Arthur and Malcolm in the snow. :) I loved the ending of this chapter. It's getting more and more interesting!!! :) I knew it, Jinger was the special one! I have to sleep now because my eyes are barely open and in need of sleep! Hope to catch you online tomorrow! It's my day off! Would love to exchange a few messages with you! Your friend, Di

Glad to be back! :) Chapter 9 This chapter tells us more about the family of Jinger and Jessica. It begins with their mother, Julia, and then Julia's parents Grandad Bloom and Granny Bloom. You've written very few paragraphs about Granny Bloom, but they were perfect and just enough to describe her character and what she was going through. You did great in using repetition as a tool. I loved that paragraph a lot about Granny Bloom finding Grandad Jack. This chapter also tells about Douglas, Helen, and It's A Shore Thing. You let us into Douglas' mind a little by telling us that he didn't enjoy his previous job and that he's enjoying his time at It's A Shore Things especially with Helen around. I wonder how Helen looks like. Is she the type that can replace Julia in Douglas life? I wonder... You mentioned about Murkle Moon and the disappearances associated with it and I found that soooo intriguing! At this point I can't wait to know what mysteries are behind the Murkle Moon and how this will stir up the story. At this point, too, there hasn't been any interaction between Arthur, Jinger, Jessica, and Douglas yet, am I right? I'm looking forward to it! Overall, this chapter was written well, as always, and deserves six stars! Chapter 10 The chapter started with Jinger and her classmates excited about their special class. I found your descriptions of Felix and his father realistic and humorous. I very much like Felix. Especially now that you have described how his physical appearance. I think he and Jinger are a great young couple. Wink! "I want you to think about their appearance children." Shouldn't there be a comma after appearance? The part where Jinger answered Mr. Baldwin's question made her sound really smart. And then later on, you said that they, including Jinger, didn't know where the lesson was going. I thought there's contradiction there. I had the feeling that they weren't interested in the topic all along, is that what you were aiming for? The ending of this chapter is good. Who is Dr Skinner? Who's in trouble and how does this affect Jinger? Great stuff. I'm still very much engaged with Jinger and the gang! Your friend, Di

Lucy, Just finished chapter two and I am lost in Jinger's new school! I really enjoyed this and will take a look at more of it when I have a moment! xx

Hi Lucy, Chapter 8 I liked that this chapter has more dialogue than narrative. As a reader, I enjoyed it more that way. I think Tabs is a clever girl. Through their dialogue, I was able to know them a little big more, deeper. Your brilliant use of action verbs made it so much easy for me to picture the scenes. You are very good with descriptions, I must say again. You did a great job in giving a hint about JInger being the special one. I can't wait to know why!!! Felix and his dad don't really get on - this sounds a little bit off to me. For sure it's just me! I thought you meant to say really get along? Do they mean the same thing? Or, do you mean something else? I like the subplot about Felix. I thought you managed to bring him into this world of yours with such charming personality. As usual, I enjoyed chapter 8. There are many characters, but each of them are given enough time alone with the readers. Slowly, the story is revealing more mysteries, more secrets which I'm sure your readers will love! I wonder what happens next. I wonder how this is different from the other books in the same market. All the best, Di :)

Hi Lucy, I'm back for more Jinger! :) Chapter 7 In this chapter, we learn more about Arthur. You introduce his wife, Agatha, and their son, David. I like Arthur's sense of humor. May is hilarious in trying to make it look like she was interested in Arthur's stuff. I easily pictured both of them as they did all those things because of your wonderful descriptions. His thoughts are in italics, it's clear that he's the one thinking so I don't think you need to tag it with 'he thought.' Just something to think about. I loved this line - But a nervous sun was starting to shine through the morning mist. I'd still suggest that you split some very long paragraphs. There are also very long sentences which I thought can be separated by commas. I made a few suggestions below. He gently spun in his leather chair, wondering... Ms Flapp ordered some telescopic.. online, and Arthur... I found the last part - with short paragraphs - easier to read and follow. Despite his old age and achievements, I found Arthur gentle, caring, and kind. What is the secret? This is definitely a good cliffhanger! I'm still loving this, Lucy. The Murkle Moon is clearly mysterious. I can't wait to find out what happens, how it will affect each of the characters' lives, especially Jinger and Jessica. I'm also waiting to see what's in store for the Millenium Baby and how it relates to the Murkle Moon. Your friend, Di

Hi Lucy, I'm back for more Jinger! Jinger pulled herself together enough to say, "Thank you, Tabs." I think you missed two commas there. The girls were joined after a short time... I think this will read better if done this way - After a short time, the girls were joined... I liked the hint you left about the 'pack.' At Brink... College, everyone including... I think the comma should come after College. I'm not sure if you should put Second Years in caps. Just something to think about. If you were trying to show that Jinger was jealous of Jessica, you succeeded. I thought it's a brilliant idea that the twins were born in different years, and for Jinger that was a big deal. I liked the line... Their dad was holding newborn Jinger somewhere behind the camera - it says a lot. But then Jessica was right, Jinger has a title too - she was probably the last baby born before the millennium which I think is pretty awesome, too. Again, this is well-written, thoroughly described, and interesting chapter. I enjoyed it and I'll come back for more! Di

Hey Lucy! :) Chapter 5 I liked the idea of Forever being used as a powerful noun here. Glad to meet the twins parents. :) I loved the idea of an octopus in a pink cap! I feel for Julia when the headmistress asked her to stay after work hours! I thought you did well in introducing Julia and Douglas to us. I felt the connection and love between them, and I did feel sad when Julia was taken away from him through that awful accident. I wished she'd be back some time in the book, though. It's just too sad that the twins had already lost their mum at a very young age. I wonder how being a single parent will do for Douglas now. Will he meet a new woman? Will the twins be okay with that? You got me asking too many questions! That is very good! :) Great job. Keep it up. Chapter 6 next time! Di

Hi :) Chapter 4 I like the idea of the first paragraph, but I thought you can do better than the first line. For some reason, I feel like it can be improved. You're able to make me imagine the scenes vividly. The descriptions are put in perfect places, they were not lacking and not too much. I particularly liked how you described the two first year boys! I thought they were cute. Jinger is adorable! And brave, too! She's naturally witty and funny, yet with the heart of angel. I liked how you developed her character. I also liked the idea that she was a little cautious of her actions. It gives me the impression that she looks really cute. It was a nice looking place; neatly squared... I'm not confident that semi colon is the correct punctuation here. I think an em dash will be perfect instead unless you don't need too much emphasis on this. You left us all wondering in the end! I thought it was a really great ending, but I'd suggest some more drama by placing the last line to another paragraph by itself. Without the 'But' in the beginning. I just thought that would make it stand out even more. But that is just my suggestion. :) I'm looking forward to reading the 5th. Solid writing. Keep it up, Lucy. :) Di

Hi Lucy, I'm back! The dialogue started off humorous which I liked. I think Arthur and Ms. Flapp are so cute together. How about Grannie's Glasses... I don't think you need the dialogue tag there because it's clear he was the one speaking because of the previous narrative, unless 'he cried' is really important. Mummy is calling us, Nina. I think you need to add a comma before Nina. I like the narrative you've given about Arthur caring for Ms. Flapp, but I would appreciate a dialogue or scene more, showing this. This chapter was great, but I thought that it can be better if you put more dialogue and action. I wanted to see them doing something more together. But I guess there's a reason why you only gave us this much in this chapter. I wonder what. I can't wait to read the next one tomorrow. Overall, great stuff. I'm still a fan. :) Di - My Beautiful Stalker

Back for chapter 2. :) The opening is catchy in the sense that you have a unique way of putting the words together. Here you introduce new characters Jinger and Jessica, who seems to be the one of the main protagonists. Comma after Helen. I like the first paragraphs, though they are a bit too long, because they are very descriptive. More characters, more fun! I think this kind of writing will appeal greatly with kids. It's something I'm pretty sure they'll devour! :) The paragraph that starts with Jinger on Sep 5th is too long. You might want to consider splitting this into two. I liked that throughout this chapter, you've used active instead of passive which made it flow smoothly. I thought Tabs is a really cute name, suits her personality well. It's so cool that they are all going to live in a dorm! Aside from the names Jinger, Pippa, Sasha, Suki, I found the Upper Upper Murkle really cute, too. I thought the last date should be, Sep 6th? It's a shame I couldn't spot any more errors to help you make this an even better read. I thought it was well-written, the characters nicely developed, the plot clearly described, and the action alive throughout. I thought for a while, I was reading Harry Potter! :) I like the dialogue, too. I guess the main comment I have is that, this chapter is sooooooo enjoyable! I enjoyed it more than I did the first. I'm sure I'm gonna enjoy the next one. I'll do the 3rd one tomorrow. I hope you have a nice evening. All the best, Di - My Beautiful Stalker

Lucy, this is a very interesting read so far. I've read through chapter four. Very nice descriptions. My favorite was about the school appearing to be either rising from the ground or being swallowed by it. So far I think that the chapters with Arthur are the most developed, especially chapter one. Though you've chosen third person omniscient, the Arthur chapters definitely have a different voice than the Jinger chapters. In chapter three we even dip into the aptly named Ms Flapp's POV, but you made the transition seamlessly, something that is hard to accomplish. There are some areas that could be tightened up, such as the last sentence in chapter four 'Jinger was confused to see whose handwriting it was in...' could maybe be more concise as Jinger was confused at the unfamiliar handwriting (assuming she doesn't recognize it) or The unfamiliar handwriting confused Jinger (if you want to avoid passive voice). Also, when you italicize your POV character's thoughts, you needn't tag the thought, as the italics tell us we are reading a direct thought. Very intriguing characters, well written, an engaging read.

Hi Lucy, I'm here to fulfill the task... :) First of all, the pitch was wittingly written. Chapter 1 The opening is definitely intriguing. I loved the first sentence as well as the punchy 'Death had simply passed him by.' I would suggest though, to insert commas where appropriate for it to read better. Aside from that, first part is perfect. No! Why does he want to die? This is a nice touch to keep your readers hooked. The next line how about.. He turned away, headed back down towards... Comma after moorings. I thought these long paragraphs could be split, to allow to give more emphasis to the subject. As a reader, I tend to skim through long paragraphs/narrative. I loved the idea of the Murkle Moon. Too clever of you to think this all through. I like the story and how it's unfolding so far. Arthur is a one-of-a-kind man who seems to have had enough of life already, ready to leave it all behind, until he sees the Murkle Moon. I'm sure we'll know more about Arthur and the Murkle Moon in the next chapters which excites me. This is going to be fun. Overall I think this is brilliant writing. The storyteller earned my respect, enough for me to believe every word she said. I have such great confidence in your work and believe this is going make it to the ED soon. Keep it up. I'll be back for the second chapter! I hope this helps. Di - My Beautiful Stalker

The first chapter definitely has me intrigued. I like the character already. I'm eager to read more. You've given just enough to satisfy something questions, but cause me to ask enough to draw me on to the next section. Lovely job. I'm obviously not done, but I'm already going to put it on my book shelf and highly expect that i'll be backing it very soon :)

Hi Lucy, First of all, before I had even read any of your book I would randomly think "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon." It's so catchy and interesting and I swear, just by the name you want to read it and find out what it's about. I've got to say, I loved it and couldn't stop reading! I kept saying to myself, just one more chapter, okay just one more. The writing is excellent and you really capture not only the dialogue but the internal thoughts of Jinger in relation to her family, her sister, school, everything. You create wonderfully vivid images that unfold with the story. Kids will LOVE this. Six stars from me and can't wait to see Jinger on the ED. (: Bre Memoria

Hi Lucy, First of all, before I had even read any of your book I would randomly think "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon." It's so catchy and interesting and I swear, just by the name you want to read it and find out what it's about. I've got to say, I loved it and couldn't stop reading! I kept saying to myself, just one more chapter, okay just one more. The writing is excellent and you really capture not only the dialogue but the internal thoughts of Jinger in relation to her family, her sister, school, everything. You create wonderfully vivid images that unfold with the story. Kids will LOVE this. Six stars from me and can't wait to see Jinger on the ED. (: Bre Memoria

Hi Lucy, First of all, before I had even read any of your book I would randomly think "Jinger Barley and the Murkle Moon." It's so catchy and interesting and I swear, just by the name you want to read it and find out what it's about. I've got to say, I loved it and couldn't stop reading! I kept saying to myself, just one more chapter, okay just one more. The writing is excellent and you really capture not only the dialogue but the internal thoughts of Jinger in relation to her family, her sister, school, everything. You create wonderfully vivid images that unfold with the story. Kids will LOVE this. Six stars from me and can't wait to see Jinger on the ED. (: Bre Memoria

Lucy, I was happy to take a look at your pages and I think the majority of your “geography” issue is with the reader. Most readers on Autho only read the first chapter and in an effort to justify that brief reading they feel the need to offer some sort of criticism. I have found the first chapter to be most engaging. The writing is smooth and I did not find any grammar or punctuation errors that jumped out to me. You described Upper Murkle as being at the top of the mountain, and Lower Murkle as being lower. As this is your opening chapter it really isn’t the place to get into a lot of details that will bog the reader down and cause them to set the book aside. I have a clear view of the town and any ambiguity there may be I am willing to accept that you will clear them up in later chapters. I will read on to chapter 2 and see how this progresses. Basically, if you want to add some more details keep them sparse, perhaps allude to Upper and Lower being separated by a 15 minute walk or something of that sort. As this is Arthur’s POV make sure to relate it to how he would see it. But please do not go into a geography lesson that may satisfy those on Autho but bore the average reader. I read the two chapters you sent me and then logged onto Autho to read more. I just finished chapter 5 and I love this story. You have brilliant characters that are really well developed with quirky habits and idiosyncrasies that make them so fun to read about. I love the notion of the Murkle moon and am looking forward to finding out why it is behaving so badly these days. I saw a few references to Harry Potter in your comments and can only say that it is a lazy observation. Whenever there is a YA book with kids at school in any sort of Fantasy setting people start with Harry Potter. Not that being compared to that is a bad thing, but I think it limits you. This story has a lot to offer. It is charming and well written. I will certainly be giving this some time on my shelf as soon as I am able

I liked this new chapter, especially the whole boarding school thing. I think this would suit the same readership as Harry Potter. It's not the same, but it's the right genre and age group. I like Jinger and thought she was a character that people would connect with and like very much. She's much nicer than her sister, and it's a good thing that they have been separated, because I'm sure Jessica would take over everything. This separation allows Jinger to make her own friends, and some interesting ones at that, Felix especially, because I found him amusing. I agree with Jinger that the bit with the meat coming out was gross, but I found Felix's reaction funny. Again, I didn't notice any errors. I'll leave another comment after I read chapter 3.

Hi, Lucy. I'll review your chapters one at a time as I like to comment when things are fresh in my mind. So, here are my thoughts on Chapter 1: I think you have a very original idea here and I loved the naughty moon, the way it just wanders about. I also liked Arthur's reaction to it. Arthur was well portrayed and I could easily imagine him with his silvery hair and that annoyed look on his face when the moon didn't do as it was supposed to. Just on the content for this chapter alone as well as the tone of the story thus far, I think kids from an older primary age and up should enjoy this read---especially middle grade kids. At the moment it probably is a bit young for teens. Though, thirteen-year-olds would be alright, but from fourteen and up they tend to get into more adult reads. But, I could be wrong as I'm just going off the type of books my daughter and her friends like (she's 14) as well as what I remember reading at that age (Stephen King :). In relation to the structure of this chapter it flowed nicely, and there were no noticeable hiccups that I could find. Plus, I didn't pick up any typos, so all good on that field. I will give you my opinions on what I think of chapter two in a separate comment, and see whether my views on the age group continues in the same vein. Until the next chapter, Marita.

Fantastic descriptions of Arthur. You described the area of Brink Stenton and Murkle well, as you did Jinger and all of the other characters. I enjoyed the parts directed at School, especially, the part of Felix choking. Only a couple of things that didn't seem right. The old man seemed to take no time walking from one district to another, whereas the bus took quite a long time. You have one typo "Wish thats all I had" lol....... You start with Wednesday 6th Sept, then go back to Tue's 5th but then run into Weds 5th, should be 6th. Other than that I loved it and shall leave it on my Watch-list to come back to. A well described interesting "In parts, quite funny" story. I think younger kids will enjoy. Christian.

Fantastic stuff. Great idea for a story - very original. Loved the pitches - both short and long, although it gave your book a lot to live up to. But it didn't let down. I'm very jealous of your first sentence, it both made me smile and want to read on. Which I did. I've done a lot of reading lately, and truth be told, am a little jaded. But your spirited and characterful writing has got me excited about reading again. Thank you. I'm starring highly now, and will put this on my shelf as soon as there's room. Good luck - not that I think you'll need it. Diana Pascual's Birthday

As promised - I loved the mystery and intrigue. The concept of the ‘Murkle Moon’ is fascinating Your writing style is clean and crisp, making the reader want more. I read the first three chapters with great pleasure. I cant wait to get some free time to read more. I have 5***** and added to my bookshelf. Rich (Jimmy Threepwoood)

Great title and intriguing set up. I noted a few things that didn't work for me, like the spelling of Jinger (vs Jessica), the internal dating (September 2012) which will make your story out of date in no time... and in Ch 3, a constant change of Point of View (the story as seen through a character's eyes). Here you change from Arthur's POV to Ms Flapp's, back to Arthur, then to the Moon itself ('the Moon was so offended'...). I think it's best to stick to one POV in one section, or give scene breaks (* * *) to indicate a change of POV. Different and definitely interesting. All the best for this one.

Hi Lucy, This, if I might say so, is a fascinating read. I love your title, "the murtle moon" is so inventive. And I really like the idea of this naughty moon not being where it should be. Your characters are very well developed and the reader is really drawn in to Jinger's plight at being sent away to school. One also really feels for her having such an awful sister! You have painted an excellent picture of their relationship. I have a couple of comments but they are really small as I think this is an exciting, orginal, well-written story. "Helen worked at the local hospital giving people x-rays. Jinger knew that someone who do this for a job was called a radiographer." This sentence feels as if the narrator is addressing the reader directly when other parts of this part is told from Jinger's POV. It just feels slightly forced and unnatural. There may be a better way of imparting this information. It might be that slightly more dialogue is needed in the second chapter, just to break up the narrative a bit. The word "personalisation" jars a bit as it is not a word Jinger would use. I love the descriptio of Felix choking on that bit of meat. It made me feel quite sick! You have raised plenty of questions in these opening chapters and I love it. I love the fact you leave the reader hanging at the end of Ch 2 and we don't learn more until ch 4 about Jinger's breakfast. I must try that one! All in all a thoroughly enjoyable read. I must read more. Your book is highly starred and has a place on my WL. I will try and put it on my shelf soon when some I undertake some reorganisation. All the best with this. Julia Shadow Jumper

Hi Lucy :), Me again! I just wanted to say that I finally got round to reading some of your book - hooray! I'm so sorry it took me so long! I just wanted to say that, I love it :)! The way you write really makes the reader engage with your characters and want to find out more about them, and the way that you paint Murkle and Murkle Manor School in a really vivid way. Just a few points I thought of as I was reading: I really felt for Jinger thoughout the story - her twin sister really needs a good talking-to! Good knows how she's managed to put up with her for so long! I absolutely LOVE the part where you describe how the moon was offended by Arthur's actions - I don't know why, but this really made me smile, and I can't wait to find out more about it!! The chapter where you explain Douglas and the relationship he had with Julia was so touching, it actually brought a tear to my eye - and now I really want to know why that Land Rover hit the car!! Overall, a great book so far - I can't wait to read more :). There are only a couple of small things I can offer as criticism - such as maybe running on a few of your sentences, still of using short ones (that's just a very minor point though!)? Ooh, and I also noticed Jinger didn't talk much during the first few chapters - I'm a sucker for characterisation, so this might just be me, but it might be nice if she had spoken a bit more so the reader could really get inside her head :)? That's all I can think of for now! Great book, can't wait to read the rest :)! Rachel

obviously a well researched piece, it shows in the quality of the writing. Your strong pitch drew me in, and I hope to read the rest of it when i can. Highly starred.

An excellent piece of writing that pulled me in straight away. You have really researched this peace and it shows in your pace and action packed narrative. The world you create is believable and mylti dimensional. I loved the characters who added collie to the text. Dialogue added a lot of sparkle and I found the plot interesting. Well done, really enjoyed reading your book

An excellent piece of writing that pulled me in straight away. You have really researched this peace and it shows in your pace and action packed narrative. The world you create is believable and mylti dimensional. I loved the characters who added collie to the text. Dialogue added a lot of sparkle and I found the plot interesting. Well done, really enjoyed reading your book

Hello Sheila, thank you for the comments. Polishing - yes, definitely needs more of that. I'm worried it always will! Thanks again, Lucy

good characters and an intriguing read backed and starred, you have a good story going there but you could do with a little bit of editing and polishing here and there but hey don't we all :)

Hello Jane, Thank you so much for your feedback. It's really useful. I'll try to make the geography clearer, yes. I have it in my mind so I need to get it onto the page. And thank you for noticing the 'showed'. I daresay it's not the only one. The 'already all ready' thing was deliberate but I can see it's a bit er...unnecessary really. I'm glad it doesn't seem too Harry Potter-ish. Especially since it's got a magic boarding school it in. There was certainly a risk! Lucy

Hello Lucy, I very much enjoyed this. The story is a page-turner, the setting is original and you have a bunch of intriguing characters. Jinger gets a big sympathy vote, partly because of her awful sister who I felt needed a good slap, and partly because she always gets the fluffy end of the lollipop and nobody seems to notice. You have a nack for ending each chapter on a cliffhanger then following it with a chapter about a different character to draw out the suspense. The introduction to Murkle (the name of my sister’s dog by the way) and its famous Moon is neat, seen through the eyes of astronomer Arthur, the man who death forgot. Though I would have liked to know just a bit about why this Moon was a problem, and what effect keeping an eye on it could possibly have. I must say I enjoyed the school bits best and I wonder if that isn’t where a YA readership would get most enjoyment out of too, possibly finding the Ms Flapp and Arthur interludes too long. Just a thought. I loved Dr Skinner. He reminded me of John Cleese, especially when he congratulates Jinger for her prompt reactions in retrieving the piece of meat from Felix’s throat. One thing I did find confusing was the relationship of Murkle to Brink Stenton. Arthur walks down to his home in Brink from Murkle, tourists apparently hike up from the bus station in Brink to Murkle, so it can’t be that far. Yet it took Jinger’s dad almost all afternoon to drive her the ‘long journey’ to the bus station, where she joined the other kids. Tabs says to Jinger, ‘You’re not from Murkle, are you?’ as if the rest of them are, in which case why are they boarders? I read the first seven chapters and there are already plenty of mysteries. Who was driving the rogue Landrover and why was Julia done away with? What’s with the Murkle Moon? What is the pack of third years and did they eat the sports teacher? Is Felix a werewolf? Is Jessica really as awful as she appears at forst sight? There’s loads in this story to appeal to a young teenage audience and you have already done a good editing job on it. I only spotted a couple of nits: ‘Helen rushed in, already all ready for work.’ ‘…and once Jinger had showed the driver her new bus pass…’ shown. I’m glad to see there are no spells and magic wands in this. I admit to not being a Harry Potter fan. I wish you the best of luck with this, it should do well. Highly rated. Jane