Absolutely superb piece of writing. Fantastic. John Stearn Author of Derilium

First off, I think allowing dialogue only to illuminate characters in the beginning is a really cool idea and would only backfire is mystery appendages and other changes to physique appear later in the narrative (tends to jar readers). Orchid's dialogue is spicy, and she readily comes off as self-assured and a bit narcissistic. I picture her flipping her hair and sauntering around with grand hand gestures and sexy over-the-shoulder glances. Biggest obstacles for me were the format, typos, off-parts of the dialogue and the lump-o-backstory. The format is easily enough cleared on your end. The fonts don't match and show up enormous on my screen (or too small is I change the size on this end). You may want to pull some Ctrl-As and make your fonts uniform, then re-upload it. I think the few typos will also be easier to spot is you can see more on the screen. The lump didn't really bother me so much, mostly because of Orchid's theatrics. However, her turn of phrase did. How old is Clarisse? The mannerisms speak of one age, but Orchid's vocabulary would indicate a much older child. Hand this out to a few more parents with children of similar age to Clarisse and see what they say. She's quite candid about sex and uses some big words and phrases not typically used in everyday speech (like the 'adhered to the tenets' line). Overall, highly imerssive and humorous :D

This is great, Greg. The format is unusual but well-executed and it makes your book stand out as more unique. I also liked the way you used different fonts for each different viewpoint. Orchid is an excellent character. She seems to be strong-willed and intelligent and I like a protagonist like that. I understand why your introduction needed to be long - in a fantasy world, it's important that the scene is set before the story begins. I enjoy this type of genre so the prologue was a pleasure to read, but pickier readers might criticise you for having too much of an 'info-dump'. I'm going to back this when I get the time, so have some stars for now and I'll put you on my bookshelf soon. Hope to see this do well, Isabel.

I've read through chapter 3 and I have to say I love it. The way you've depicted Orchid is something I haven't seen a lot. You tell us about her, but we're able to form her in our own minds without any direct details. That's what I really like about this. High stars from me and I will come back to read more when I can.

Hi Greg. I've read the prologue and the first chapter with a view to giving some initial feedback. Firstly I find the storyline a most intriguing one. Your pitch is well measured and likely to draw many people in. The prologue sets the scene nicely for the reader. The idea of an apocalyptic collision between heaven and hell causing a compromising world to develop is fantastic, but easy to imagine metaphysically. The use of the word "Chivalry" is an odd choice as its meaning is linked with knights (from French Chevaler, mounted knight) and you apply it to the humans perception of angels. This seems contradictory, but then I am an etymological pedant sometimes! The voice of Orchid is quite intelligent. In fact it is very bookish at times. Her speech during the prologue isn't particularly engaging. I think it is more of a monologue than a conversation that she has with Clarisse. I enjoyed venturing into the world that you created with the aim of producing some feedback for you. It is not my type of book but I can certainly recognise how the plot will develop. The feedback that I have given is, after all, only my opinion. I hope that it is of some use. Craig

I read your prologue and first four chapters for the March Madness bracket contest. Today I reread your prologue and first two chapters more closely, looking for grammar and punctuation issues. General comments: "Trinity Divided" is an imaginative, multi-layered fantasy with a fiesty, witty central character. Twists abound. Excellent world building. Needs some editing to improve the pacing which should also help increase the story tension. Specific comments on the prologue: 1) Considerable telling. For example, 'glaring expectantly,' indignant manner,' and 'paused dramatically.' 2) Clever wit. Orchid's sense of humor comes through nicely. I particularly liked 'the demons proposed sexchange students.' 3) A fair amount of backstory (in dialogue). 4) The demons were the ones humans 'lovingly' labelled as monstrosities. Put an opening quote mark in front of 'The.' When continuous dialogue runs into paragraphs, the first word of each dialogue paragraph is preceded with an opening quote mark. There are more cases of this type of problem. 5) "Have you ever won the lottery Clarisse?" Comma after 'lottery.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma. 6) 'There was something about Orchid's manner that kept her engaged.' This reads (to me) as though it's written from Clarisse's point of view. Since the rest of the scene is written from Orchid's point of view, this brief switch to Clarisse's point of view seems out of place. 7) " ... and most of the city I live in has been burned." Orchid added ... Comma after 'burned.' 'Orchid added' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). 8) " ... and find a snug milk crate to sit on." She said sarcastically. Comma after 'on' and 'She' should be lowercase. 'She said sarcastically' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). 9) Capitalize 'internet.' 10) ' ... picked off the corpse of one of his men that died earlier that day.' 'That' should be 'who.' Specific comments on the first chapter: 1) Effective descriptions. Orchid's character is further developed. 2) 'At 14 years old, Luther was given responsibilities in ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. 3) "What can you do, oh tasty one?" The Suvardi on the left said to Luther, ... 'The' should be lowercase. 'The Suvardi said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). 4) "So that's what you were up to Orchid?" Comma after 'to.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with a comma. 5) Defiantly and with my hands on my hips I replied. "Was it worth it?" Comma after 'replied.' 'I replied' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma. 6) 'It's time this 'orchid' grew some thorns.' I love this line. Simple. Direct. Powerful. 7) "I promise I'll sleep real good Miss Orchid; with extra sheep counted." Clarisse replied. Comma after 'good.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, comma after 'counted.' 'Clarisse replied' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). Specific comments on the second chapter: 1) Not a lot of tension. More telling. For example, 'The way he spoke in third person grated on my nerves' or 'I hated when he called me that.' 2) ' ... like something out of a catholic school.' Capitalize 'catholic.' 3) Hyphenate 'well kept.' 4) "Not this time dear." Comma after 'time.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with a comma. 5) "She has red hair and eyes, maybe 5'5; goes by the name Orchid." Spell out numbers 1-99. Also, spell out '. 6) "But I like to think I have a fairly open mind ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Orchid is interrupted by the guard, an em-dash is appropriate. 7) "I think this is our girl." The one with the transmitter reluctantly ceded ... Comma after 'girl' and 'The' should be lowercase. 'The one ceded' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase. I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Have a marvelous day, Greg. Al

Hi Greg, I've read the prologue and first four chapters so far. I'm really enjoying this book. I like the way you're telling the story by having Orchid tell her story to a child. You give great descriptions and detail that let the reader really see this unique world. Well-written, with likable characters and good action. I'll keep reading. Highly starred. Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I am really liking this, Greg. You have a great 'voice' in Orchid ... Reading on ... :) Michelle

Chapter one 'It promptly tore a disturbing amount of flesh out, gleefully eyed.' - Do you mean gleefully eyed by the demons? You have a nice tongue in cheek style that makes this a fun read.

Prologue 'snug milk crate to sit on." She said sarcastically. - Might read better with a comma instead of a fullstop. 'crate to sit on," she said sarcastically. 'It was through barter I'd been able to procure demon majic' - Might read better as 'Through bartering I'd been able to procure demon majic' This is snappy, amusing, very readable stuff. I can see it gaining popularity quickly!

Hi Greg I really enjoyed this - nice premise and I'm already onboard with Orchid as a character I could come along for the ride with in a book. The writing is tight and no clunky sections slowing the pace. I would say though - certain words in dialogue scanned off for me purely because she was talking to a young girl e.g "they adhered to the tenets of..." this sounded more like a lecturer addressing a class than talking to a little girl? Maybe it just reflects Orchid's character? If not it's an easy fix anyway. I have starred and added to my watchlist for more and will comment again as I read. Good luck with it Greg - think you might have a winner here. Derek The Angel Chord

Hi Greg I really enjoyed this - nice premise and I'm already onboard with Orchid as a character I could come along for the ride with in a book. The writing is tight and no clunky sections slowing the pace. I would say though - certain words in dialogue scanned off for me purely because she was talking to a young girl e.g "they adhered to the tenets of..." this sounded more like a lecturer addressing a class than talking to a little girl? Maybe it just reflects Orchid's character? If not it's an easy fix anyway. I have starred and added to my watchlist for more and will comment again as I read. Good luck with it Greg - think you might have a winner here. Derek The Angel Chord

Hi Greg, Let me start out with the unique format of your novel. I think the "story within a story" idea is genius and something I would only expect to see in a feature film. It took me awhile at the beginning to get used to your way of talking but once I hit chapter one, I was hooked! The tale is definitely mind twisting and ominous. Your characters are well developed and even though you limit their physical descriptions to a minimum, their dialogue helps the reader to picture them clearly. Every scene is broken down easily, they read fast which makes the reader want to keep turning pages (metaphorically speaking.) Your talent for storytelling is far from mediocre and deserves more backers! Six stars from me!

Hi Greg, Let me start out with the unique format of your novel. I think the "story within a story" idea is genius and something I would only expect to see in a feature film. It took me awhile at the beginning to get used to your way of talking but once I hit chapter one, I was hooked! The tale is definitely mind twisting and ominous. Your characters are well developed and even though you limit their physical descriptions to a minimum, their dialogue helps the reader to picture them clearly. Every scene is broken down easily, they read fast which makes the reader want to keep turning pages (metaphorically speaking.) Your talent for storytelling is far from mediocre and deserves more backers! Six stars from me!

I"ve been reading this one for a while,and the characters really draw you into the story. Each one is a fleshed out individual, with their own spark of life to them. The way they're described and the way they behave really helps you imagine how they look and how they sound, and it gives you a very clear mental view of how each scene is unfolding. Which, in turn, really makes you begin to care about what happens to each one of them. The story itself flows very quickly, which makes it a bit hard to put down, Everything that happens is something that's relevant to the plot, either by setting something up or by playing it out. Even if it a piece may not seem like it at the time, it becomes relevant a little further down the line. Which adds a few layers, and gives it a reread value. Overall, I'm very impressed by everything I've read so far, and am enjoying the story thoroughly.

I"ve been reading this one for a while,and the characters really draw you into the story. Each one is a fleshed out individual, with their own spark of life to them. The way they're described and the way they behave really helps you imagine how they look and how they sound, and it gives you a very clear mental view of how each scene is unfolding. Which, in turn, really makes you begin to care about what happens to each one of them. The story itself flows very quickly, which makes it a bit hard to put down, Everything that happens is something that's relevant to the plot, either by setting something up or by playing it out. Even if it a piece may not seem like it at the time, it becomes relevant a little further down the line. Which adds a few layers, and gives it a reread value. Overall, I'm very impressed by everything I've read so far, and am enjoying the story thoroughly.

Greg, I skipped "1" and went straight to "2" which was the prologue. Having been teased by a rather spiky and intriguig intro I carried on into "3", or Chapter 1. You have chosen a clever way of telling the story by having the fallen angel tell the child Clarisse. Although a bit spiky in places it was well paced and rather enjoyable, I could easily have read more if time allowed. Best regards Warrick

Trinity divided is a multi-leveled story of intrigue, deception and love. The descriptions are vivid and the story is captivating. A great read.