Life So Perfect Chris Quite a story. I read the first six chapters to get a feel of the book and writing style. I can say I found it was very well written. You convey the thoughts and minds of these "depressed" kids extremely well. It was interesting to read of this other world. Mind you I have an image that all American children have a therapist, blame it on American movies and sitcoms shown on the British television. I was surprised in chapter 2 that Joe readily talked about not taking his pills, but don't tell anyone! Chapter 5 has already appeared in chapter 4, the scene with Chuck, Fall and the rape. Same but different! “Bad love’s better than no love. Hard to understand that, but it’s too often true.” I wonder how true this is! Highly starred. The editing was very good. I made a note of a few nitpicks: Chapter 1: - “Some signs of depression,” she’d told his mother, “It could only help him.” Full stop not comma after mother. Chapter 2: - Oh yeah, you’re just she needs. Need a what after just. - “Their label? Schizoaffective. A nice mix of bipolar and schizophrenia: Quotes missing at the end. Chapter 4: - Your part of it. You're. - Chuck laugh and rubbed his hand on Joe’s head. Laughed Chapter 6: - It was good cool to have someone like that. "good cool"? Charles Knightley The Secret of Netley Abbey

Hi I just read your first chapter and i will be reading some chapters very soon. I see a beautiful story here, told with energy. it captivates you readers from the start. three keens here play a beautiful roles, and i like it. what i like most is how the story goes, it is like a poem or an article. what i will like you to keep is the dialogue from the start, most readers like to read books where the actions kick off immediately. i am rating 6 outstanding stars.

Chris, Finally worked my way through enough promised reads to get to Life So Perfect. You've done a good job of creating convincing, three-dimensional teen characters and immersing the reader in Joe's troubled mind. The situation is heartbreaking, but nobody here wants pity. They're smart and know themselves pretty well, but maybe not as well as they think they do. That feels true to life. It's emotionally difficult to read, but compelling -- the reader wants to know the same thing as Braxton: Why October 1? The text is really clean, too. I noted only a handful of little corrections: Ch 1 But the why? Cut "the" When Mom is used as a name, be sure to capitalize it. (I'm not sure the scene with Chuck and Sarah is needed. On the one hand, it's perhaps useful to have another perspective from Joe's, but on the other hand, this is Joe's story and his perspective is extremely interesting, with a lively, individual narrative voice.) Ch 2 ones dreams should be one's dreams winey tone should be whiney tone didn't have to lay there. You want "lie there." (If Joe said this, he might say lay there, but he's not talking at this point.) not matter how much should be no matter how much Good work on a difficult but intriguing subject! Karen Eisenbrey CRANE'S WAY ENDURANCE TIME SQUARED

Hi Chris, Thanks for backing "Surviving Sunset." I appreciate the support. I'm here to return the read. I've read chapters 1 and 2 so far, and I'm intrigued. This is different than any YA literature I've read to date, whether it be on here or published. Honesty, I'm not sure whether there's a market for something like this or not, but I find it interesting. I'm particularly curious about Steven. He puts himself there? Which diagnosis is correct? The doctor's or his own? I'm sure I will continue to read just to find out. As I was reading, I jotted down some things for you to look at, if you'd like. They're mainly punctuation or grammar mistakes. Chapter 1: - Too old(period) Whatever. - ... if the man's low and raspy voice... - I would take out the "and" and say "low, raspy voice." - Three months he met with that therapist. - This needs to start a new paragraph. Also, the wentence is a little awkward. Maybe revise to: He met with that therapist for three months. - ... but Braxton was not a twenty one year old fresh out of college, and he was not seven years old now. - Two things: 1) Twenty one is hyphenated 2) It sounds like the "he" you're referring to is Braxton. Perhaps switch the two phrases to eliminate confusion. Chapter 2 - Joe didn't move(comma) keeping his eyes closed. - I think it's OK as written, but it may read more smoothing as: Keeping his eyes closed, Joe didn't move. - ...sixteen year old(comma) who looked to be twelve... - ...will never forgive(comma) NO matter how much it wants to. Overall, I think "Life So Perfect" is original and well-written. Your characters are believable. I like that we can see so deeply into Joe's head. It will be interesting to see how he changes over the coarse of the book. High stars and watchlisted. Lynn Surviving Sunset

Chris, thanks for backing "Waiting for the Rain". Here are some thoughts on chapter one. I'm sorry I don't review as many chapters as some others on here - I am a slow reader. Left a word out I think... "leave the 'I don't knows' ON the other side of the backdoor." Missing a comma... "Joe's finger twisted, fraying..." Your first paragraph or two sets up a decent hook. It makes me wonder what happened to this character, what kind of trouble he is in, and how he will dig himself out of it. "An endless canopy bursting with subdued shades of red..." I like that a lot. "all smoking, all looking drugged up..." I wonder if it'd be stronger just to say, "all smoking, drugged up..." Its a very small suggestion though. Try reading it both ways and decide which one you like the best. And one more very minor suggestion... Early on, you use the word "grey"... 'Grey' is typically the English/UK spelling, so I thought the story was set in England. When you talked about football, I thought you meant "soccer" (from the American POV). So.... If I'm mistaken, and the book is set in the U.S. / the sport is American football, I'd use 'gray' rather than 'grey'. But again, that is nitpicking. Chapter one was compelling enough, I'd read chapter two. I didn't read your pitch so I don't know what genre this is or what the plot is about (I like being surprised), but its at least good enough to keep the reader's interest, I think. Good luck with it. Shaun Holt German Derelict / Waiting for the Rain

I finally got to reading your book, and I'm very impressed! This is so clean and polished. The story just keeps moving along, and it's one that you can't put down. The dialogue is terrific, very real and emotionally charged. I give you very high stars for this! I hope it helps you rise in your ratings! Kara

Hi Chris, What great storytelling! Your writing is clean and the characters are well developed. I liked how you bring your reader inside Joe's head. I have a mental condition and have written a book called "With All My Mind" that you might find interesting. I hope you'll be able to check it out. Great job with your book. Best wishes on getting published! Blessings, Lyn Ventura

Sharing my inner sunbeam and my book Be The Human Sunshine, I return all reads and comments. Clare :)

Life so Perfect resurrected memories when I reunited with my mom after many years. She had a breakdown and was admitted in hospital for medical and psychiatrist interventions. At times she wanted to go home but that decision rest with others. She hated the place but she had to adhere to whatever programme was set for her before that decision made. She hated it. I read this book not to judge your writing style or grammar but it is personal. Its like you have written it for me. Mom never explained everything that happened to her but I felt this provided answer to many unanswered questions. I'm still reading...

Great character development and love your use of dialogue.

You certainly don't dodge some gritty subject matter here, which is great to see. The pitches are good and made me want to read more. Mental illness is not a subject that is dealt with well or often from a Christian perspective so I think there will be some appeal here to the target audience. MP Jones They Shoot Birds, Don't They?

Chris This has the makings of a wonderful story. You write dialogue that is snappy and intricately designed to pull in your reader. I enjoyed the first 3 chapters and will read more of this intriguing story. I am already invested in Joe and what to find out how he fairs. I love this so far. I give you high stars and will keep the book on my watchlist to move up to my shelf. Good luck with this. Blessings, Joy God's Gracious Gift

I have read all that you've uploaded here. I think you have a great gift for dialogue and there is a fast pace to this book. You bring us straight into the story and this reader had a real feeling of the atmosphere in the Unit. There are a few typos but nothing that can't be fixed by an edit. I have a clear picture of the three characters who come across as individuals and well described by their behaviour and stories. The only problem I have is that this feels a little unstructured. There is a lot of dialogue (well written) but I felt there was too much of it. I felt that the story was running away from me and not sufficiently anchored. This is just a feeling I had when reading and I have no ideas on how you could change this. Maybe I am simply experiencng the confusion of your protagonists but it all felt a bit of a blur. However, I think that you have portrayed life inside such a Unit very well and you obviously have first hand knowledge of the things you write about. I would read on if you uploaded more as I am engaged with the characters and would like to know what happens to them, as the story develops. Thanks for a very interesting read.

Chris, I read your chapters this morning. The story is really good, it hooks the reader and I felt emotionally invested in the story. There were a few typos, nothing glaring. My one issue was Braxton. If I were an angry 16 year old and my therapist was calling me Joe-boy and kiddo, I would call him a condescending bastard and willfully not open up to him. But that is just my opinion. Great read! Mindy The Wishing Place

Chris, This story has a lot of good writing and it is a great idea for a book. I think that your very first paragraph needs a little work. It seems to be a little choppy. Otherwise I like the title, and the pitch is really good. Best wishes. Shelby Z./Driving Winds P.S. Please check out my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

Chris, As per Dianna Lanser's, suggestion, I took a look at some Christian books. I felt yours deserved a spot on my shelf, so I backed it. If you could please take a look at DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing, your help will be appreciated. All of my novels have a fine thread of Christianity woven through them. Thank you! Dwain-Thomas

Dear Chris, I read your pitches and the first chapter of 'Life So Perfect.' I really like your premise of three stories in one! I was drawn into Joe's story and can't help but wonder about Maddie and Steven. There is also a deep emotional tone to your writing which is quite powerful ("the black of night seemed to envelop her soul"); and Joe's inner thoughts reveal this quality as well...wow! The reader can really feel how tormented he is. Pertaining to your writing style, I really like your word choice... (ie: "pudgy," "raspy voice," etc.). Very well done. I can see young adults identifying with this piece. It thrills me to know you are pointing them to hope! If you have the time, I hope you will take a tiny peek at my book, 'Now To Him.' Wishing you every success. All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Interesting story idea. Watch out for repeating same words to close. Sometimes I realize you do it for the word play, but in other circumstances it is just awkward,

Pitches: Sorry, but your SP doesn’t make all that much sense. I think you might be missing a word at one point (Life doesn’t always turn out as we imagine). LP: again, there are issues with the phrasing (instead of “both are”, try “are both”). I think you could write a much stronger LP. This is what is supposed to sell your story to an agent. It’s the sizzle to entice them into reading your first few chapters. As it stands, yours is a simple list of 3 people and there’s no real tension. I hate writing pitches and can appreciate it’s hard to write your own. Have a look at the pitches of some of the top 100 books and see if they give you any ideas. C1: First sentence - “lead up to this”. I think it should be “led up to this”. And I don’t know if it’s an American thing, leaving out some words, but I’d also say “the other side of the backdoor”. Second paragraph - “his eyes blended with graying hair”. Sorry, but this is such a bad way to describe the colour of his eyes matching/blending with the colour of his hair. I like the “didn’t want to like him, he didn’t want to trust him”. Third paragraph - you don’t need a capital for “She’d told his parents”. It’s something Word likes to do and you have to be very careful about proofing your work before uploading it. There are several issues of this kind throughout the chapters i read. Typo - should be “adjusts” to your divorce. And I’d put “got” instead of “get” divorced, as we’re talking about a past event. Fourth paragraph - 31 stitches in his arm? Really? I’ve never self-harmed to the point of requiring stitches but I know a lot of people who have and none of them have ever required that many stitches at one time (and you later refer to them as staples - which was it?) Chapter 2: When you describe how Steve looks, this feels like you the author telling me. I would much prefer to have Joe telling me. Typo - “As Joe’s sat up”. PMSL at the “never go near a borderline” - too true. Chapter 3: DSM V? - you’d better be setting this book in the future ‘cos we’re still on version 4 right now….guessing it’s a typo. Typos - “ready lose it”, and you don’t need a semi-colon after “The Monster’s Room;”. I’d take a careful look at how you lay out that paragraph. You’re aiming for this random jumbling of thoughts (effective), but you need to make sure it’s as easy to read as possible in terms of punctuation. “Carnal” rule should be “cardinal” rule. “preverbal” isn’t a word; you mean “proverbial”. Be really careful with your punctuation. I’ve now seen punctuation marks inside speech marks/quotation marks that should be outside, incorrect use of commas/semi-colons and now you’ve got a full stop (period) right after a question mark. In a similar vein, try reading your dialogue out loud and see if you really would use all those words. Contractions are fine in speech (and throughout your book - it’s a sign of an early draft when I see “it is”, “did not”, “you will” etc to this extent). Chapter 4: Is Steve meant to remind me of the Indian patient in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” The way you describe him as an outcast among outcasts suddenly brought that character to mind. Typos - watch out for your/you’re. Gauze, not gaze, hear not here. “I kill you if you do.” “Chuck laugh and rubbed” There are many more typos and punctuation errors but I’m not going to point each and every one out anymore. I wouldn’t capitalize “Black woman”. Unless her skin colour is vital to the storyline, I don’t even know why you’ve mentioned it. You’ve done it again when Steve hits a “Black kid”. There’s absolutely no need and you may cause a lot of offence. Maddie’s speech about Joe calling her crazy and not wanting to get close is unreal. There’s no emotion from her, it’s just words from someone who’s never been a depressed, emotional teenage girl. I stopped at the end of Chapter 4. I think your opener needs some work, but it's definitely better than before. Once I got beyond those first 600 words, I did find myself reading on. But, by the end of Chapter 4, I was noticing more and more typos and punctuation issues, so that's where I would have stopped as an agent. I would also like to see you get into Maddie's head the way you got inside Joe's.

Hello Chris: I began reading Life So Perfect and was struck by how well you get into the teenage mind. The characters may not necessarily be very likeable-at least not yet, but they are realistic. I think this novel will resonates with many of your readers because it captures the angst so well-perhaps a little too well, because it may take them back to a place of awkwardness and confusion which may have been long-since forgotten. There are a number of mechanical errors in spelling, grammar, etc. but these are easy fixes with a good second pair of eyes. The important element is the story itself. Bless you and may you find success in seeing this published. James

Very good story with a great hook in the beginning. I think it was great how you keep use of this hook throughout this book to keep the reader interested. I also like how you are developing these characters. I have some suggestions. I think the opening dialog is a little confusing without the tags ( like Joe said or Braxton said ). Also since you have a lot of three way conversations without tags sometimes it is hard to tell who is speaking when. I had to read through some parts a couple of time to understand who was saying what. I would also like to hear more about how the hospital looks, feels, and smells. I think this would put the reader in the story more. There were a lot of grammar mistakes. I don't typically point all these out because it isn't anything a good editing won't fix. Overall good job! Thanks for taking the time with mine.

Chris, Unlike your profile this is very clean writing. A good story, a challenging idea and a difficult subject, handled very well. One very small thing "Everyone’s parents gets divorce." should be "Everyone’s parents get divorced." Best wishes Warrick

Truly an amazing rendition of the very real struggles, the frustration and pain of a tormenting existence when there is no escaping it, no lessening. You delivered the message masterfully. Very well written. Good pace. Good transitions. A truly excellent, emotionally charged story. High stars. TDonna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

What a captivating first chapter! Great flow, swift read! I liked that you jumped right into action and started character development. You succeeded to produce empathy for the teenager. I liked the descriptions of physical appearance, as well as the inner battles. There are a few typos to correct (i.e., "He sacred me, mom" when you mean "scared"), but overall excellent. On to chapter 2 :) TDonna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

Chris, A real compelling read. I had to finish up all seven chapters. You made me love all the characters including, and maybe even especially, crazy Steve. As I read, I specifically looked for references to the Native American plight and beliefs. I really liked your portrayal of Steve. It’s really so sad. The true statistics of poverty, suicide, and alcoholism among Natives is astounding and a terrible, crying shame. If I ever sell my book, I know where my proceeds are going… Your story starts with a great opening and chapter seven closes with a lot of truth and hope. “He’s hurt and damaged like all of us. Damaged but not ruined.” I’m sure this comment comes from one who has a compassionate heart toward those who are hurting. The plot in itself is propelled by the need for the reader to see the main characters healed of their inner pain, By chapter seven we get an inkling of hope, even as Steven is carried off to the Monster hole. Can this convenience formed friendship serve as an avenue for healing? I can’t wait to find out. Let me know when you have the rest of your book uploaded. I’d love to read it. Highly starred! Hope you don’t mind me pointing out some easy fixes. Chapter one “have to repeat my (j) junior year” double j’s in that sentence “Fake it til you make it. That(’s) what the kids here say.” “What about any of his text(s)?” Chapter three - “Maybe it’s about you(r) mom.” “That(‘s) what (the) staff called it.” “He pictured himself punching the(y) padded walls.” “Plane (plain) shitty.” Chapter four - Stephen sat (on) the floor Chapter five - “Well, I know this much, your coming home with me. You( r) mom, obviously can not deal with you…” Dianna Lanser Nothing But The Blood

Okay. Just finished all seven chapters you have posted on autho. I have to say, this is so real...the characters, the emotions..I found nothing to criticize except typos. I loved how you ended each chapter, compelling the reader to turn the page. Very good! Well written! Highly starred and watchlisted for now. I hope to find a place on my shelf soon! Blessings! Georgia The Woman From E.A.R.L. Here's the typos: Chapter 3: You wrote “Scares” when I think you meant, “scars” “knap” probably meant, “nape”. (unless there’s different spellings between US and British English.) Chapter 4: “The loss his grandmother to cancer…” Chapter 5: “I wasn’t going like any guy after Dad left…” “Those are the ones you have to out for.” Chapter 6: Misspelled, “Shuman” Should be, “Schumann” Chapter 7: “That’s what makes a human beings.” “get me made or something.” I think you meant, “mad”