This is really good writing and very intelligent too. Where did you think up these characters? Brilliant. You have a good voice in this book that works well to keep the reader interested and buried in the book. The premise is so different and again with that and the smooth flow of this book is going to serve it well. I wish you well with this and I will be watching from the side lines. I score high. well done. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Quick CWOG: I read through your prologue and first chapter. Your prologue is dark and gritty, I love it. There's something going on in this story that I just need to understand. Your first chapter, very different, but obviously builds on what we've learned in the prologue. There's a dark undertone to this world that we have yet to understand, and you've developed just the right characters to unravel the mystery. I'm really digging what I've read so far and will be back to read more as time permits. For now, a spot on my watchlist and high stars. Good work!

CWOG Pollen My thoughts on the pitches... Your short pitch makes me think of Romeo and Juliet, and a worldwind romance that is not meant to be. But i see you've not tagged 'romance' so maybe I'm wrong the Long pitch, starts with Rome thinking of what happened to him a decade before... he sounds miserable and so forth. this tale is going to be about him finding happiness, right? Then you introduce Shunka - an ignorant teen about to find out something that'll change her life... except, she's a teen... so probably not the romance i thought she'd have with Rome... sigh. I'll find a way to stick romance in there, you watch. I liked the prologue and the description and analogy of the storm to a beast... however, I did have to read it twice, because as the analogy continues on, I was confused about the rain and actually thought I'd missed something and there was a beast scaring the spectators and pounding the ground. chap 1 (autho chap2) "Look if I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - love it. the bit about the sinner - love it. Rome's description of "the black plague" was appaling and sent shivers down my spine too. insects give me the creeps "Her hand gestures were up 212 percent" - love it "That's how time works" - love it Ok, i've noticed you use a lot of "hey, so-and-so" as your start up for speech. now, i don't think i would have noticed at all because i speak like this so i found it was pretty smooth reading. However, my computer crashed and when i rebooted I had to try and find "Hey Hazel..." and there were quite a few "Hey (name)" that came first. It's repetitive but i wouldn't have noticed otherwise Oh i like the idea of the fairy tale party... though i'm not sure about this "wings and tails" - i don't associate tails with my fairies... still cool though. And how "Jack" is excited to meet "Cinderella" - these kind of parties and 'hook-ups' are right up my alley! chap 2 (autho chap3) and Little Tokyo begins! Cheng's talents and capabilities... brilliant hmm there's a spot where you're explaining Vibol from Shunka's POV and it swaps out a bit. How would Shunka know that Vibol refused all eye mods? And if she read that somewhere or did her research, it may be better to add that as a sentence after. Because as is, I feel like Vibol is explaining that he refused eye mods, and then Shunka starts scanning the room... it feels like a swap in POVs i don't think you need the "You're nineteen" as right after he says "What older man wouldn't enjoy talking to a nineteen year old woman" - the nineteen is now repetitive Another thing, it seems strange to me that Cheng would send out a person in white suit to collect a stolen artifact, but once the artifact is retrieved, no matter how peacefully, that there was no punishment to the theif. Shouldn't he have been punished? Ah, love the adrenaline at the end of this chapter... she's confused, panicking, trying not to be mauled... and then "she could feel the excitement" - it's like she's grinning wickedly. chap 3 (autho chap4 - these are notes to myself, so i know where to come back to ;-) should "vloged" be "vlogged" ? like "blog" becomes "blogged" - just out of curiousity the paragraph about the sex shops is appalling... but i'm not sure what 'used lilies' is - i can imagine, of course, but i've never heard this phrase I started to drift a bit during this chapter - it could be that i was exhausted and probably not mentally at my fullest, but I really wanted to get back to Shunka and what would happen with her and the changes in Little Tokyo... that was action-packed, whereas this is a step backwards on the other side of the wall... back into descriptions and not much else... Also weird that Claypool is a big shot pool player... I had an art teacher named Art once... no joke. I like the intro to Claypool and his back story, this doesn't feel like an info dump, or a change of POV, just Rome reciting the things he learned after doing his research - well done Learning about Pollen, the gas masks, and what lies beyond the city barriers, has the story picking up. The connection and conversation between Rome and Cinderella is awesome too. I know Rome has a girlfriend, but since Mae's been avoiding him all day because of an argument, I'm more inclined to like Cinderella "subtle simile" should be "subtle smile" there should be a break between "before about the outside?" and "Nope, never" - as this is two people speaking, one questioned, one answered. big bomb drop at the end of this chapter - excellent... now i don't think that Cinderella is Shunka but how are those two related? must read on chap 4 (autho chap5) "beneath Shunkas feet" should be "Shunka's" cool PaveVerts concept "I'll been seen as" - not sure this makes sense or if this is just how she talks... perhaps "I'll be seen" "Miyus eyes widened" should be "Miyu's" "dotted about the bust streets" i think you meant 'busy' - though i do want to know what a 'bust street' is now oh the nano-sword reminded me of Johnny Pnemonic and the crazy dude with the one fingernail that could laser anyone to death - remember that? "wouldn't have bought this to your door" should be "brought" "He lead and army to the walls" should be "lead an army" "traders ware gas masks" should be "wear" "stolen you data" should be "your" "hard day before you" i think this should be 'days' "arrange a met for you" - should be 'meet' Alright - these are all the little things I found... overall - I'm really impressed, this is quite the conspiracy you painted and not just once, in New Hanoi, but a second time in Little Tokyo. I'm excited for the happenings in Little Tokyo and look forward to learning more about Shunka. Rome's chapters end with a bang that leaves me wanting to read more, but overall, I find these chapters to drag. If there was some clue as to how Shunka and Rome are linked, even just slightly, I think it would help with the excitement level. If we have at least a slight idea of what we are reading towards we might have more patience with some of the build up. By 'we' I just mean 'me' - obviously i can't speak for the population as a whole - just my thoughts though high stars for the brilliance here... I love seeing two very different sides to the wall, and the necessity of gas masks... cool Jaclyn x It Never Happened My Life Without Me

Very well-written, with a ton of great details, a real sense of place, and some great turns of phrase, with “cloud heaved its belly over the horizon,” being a particular standout for me. I also really enjoyed the relationship between Rome and Mae, and the dialogue felt quite natural to me throughout the chapters I read. I enjoyed the mix of high-tech (like the spring feet) and the archaic (the hand-crank fan). I thought you did a great job fleshing out the characters and the setting, as well. I wrote down a few notes as I read, though they're all quite minor, and could simply be subjective. Please do disregard anything you disagree with. CHAPTER 1: - I did wonder at first if they were in Rome, as you mention “Rome's favourite haunt,” which I thought could imply it was a Roman hotspot. I might be the only one who has this issue, but I would consider either mentioning his full name, or say his name either earlier or later. - “dark fingernails were scratching up his street” - this didn't quite work for me, as I didn't get the sense that clouds would scratch, as they tend to be pretty fluffy, even when they're dark. - I also was a bit uncertain why they were so worried about rain creeping in, as so many people seemed to get such a huge kick out of it. I kind of wanted the melancholy mood to be sustained here, especially with so much buildup about the monstrous rain cloud (I started to think it was acid rain that they were afraid of) though that's probably just me. CHAPTER 2: - It's spelled both as “Michel” and “Michael” - I loved the idea and the imagery of the beetles crawling all over the buildings, though I did think that with the level of technology this place seems to have, that they could find a way to take care of the infestation. - There could be a bit much exposition when Rome speaks to Danny, as the conversation seemed to exist solely to mention what had happened earlier; I might try to trim it down a bit. CHAPTER 3: - “framed her Asian face” seemed slightly unnecessary, as her name implied her ethnicity to me; similarly “Japanese kendo warrior silk garbs” - I think “Japanese” is not needed here, as kendo is a Japanese martial art. - “their DNA feed thousands” seemed off to me; I might go with “feeds” or “fed” Overall, though, I thought the story and the characters were very engaging, and I really enjoyed reading this. High stars. Mike Arrival of the Ageless What, the Elf?

This is for the Review Swap! I got to read the first three chapters and I have to say you have quite an imagination! This is a very imaginative story and a very gripping dystopia. Here are some notes I made: Prologue: I thoroughly enjoyed this. You are a master at imagery and detail, and this continued throughout the rest of the three chapter I read. I particularly enjoyed how you described the storm here. Chapter 1: This is where most of the problems I had were. It seemed this chapter was more to explain everything rather than push the plot forward. There were so many details and so much info, that I could only hold on to some scraps of it i.e the beetles. You also, tend to embellish almost every line, whichh is good, but I think you can cut about half of this to get your point across faster and chop down this pretty lengthy chapter. It will porbably make the plot flow more quickly. Also, in some places, the word choices were awkward i.e you said Rome hit his "crown" on the headboard.... you mean "head"? I think it would work to just say head. Dialogue was good, no complaints there. Chapter 2: Absolutely no problems here. Beautiful and I love the new character you introduced! Overall, really good job and an interesting world. High stars. I hope you can get to my book, Divide, soon. :p

Very, very creative! Needs another editing. However, I'm still putting this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck! Sue50

SF42 Hi Aaron, I’ve just read the first two chapters of Pollen. I really enjoyed the concept and the characters. I can see this story turning into something really good with a little work. Below I’ve made a few notes on the two chapters I’ve read. As usual, it’s just my opinion. Take what works for you and toss the rest. Ch 1 1) ‘the last river to be filled in’ But in the next sentence you say, ‘All the water is underground these days’. Perhaps it would be better to say ‘the last river to be covered over’ or ‘the last river to be built over’ or ‘the last river to be rerouted’ 2) ‘had no where left’ ‘no where’ should be ‘nowhere’ The above sentence has two commas. Both should be full-stops. 3) ‘lilly blooms’ ‘lilly’ should be ‘lily’ I would hyphenate, as blooms is both a noun and a verb and this tends to be make it easy to read the sentence wrongly. Hyphenating ensures it is read as the noun. 4) ‘past five years’ full-stop after ‘years’ 5) ‘due this week’ full-stop after ‘week’ 6) ‘was being watched’ comma after ‘watched’ 7) ‘sky scraping’ hyphenate 8) ‘city centre’ full-stop after ‘centre’ 9) ‘finger nails’ one word 10) There are quite a few places where you put commas when it should be full-stops. Try reading your work aloud and listening for the short pause of a comma, or the longer pause of a full-stop. Another way to tell is by subject matter. For instance, you have a sentence ‘The street lamps flickered on sensing the deepening dark, he glanced up as the beast flexed its chest.’ The first part of your sentence talks about the street lamps, yet the second part talks about Rome. Therefore they are not a single sentence. This should read; ‘The street lamps flickered on, sensing the deepening dark. He glanced up as the beast flexed its chest.’ Apparently there are internet sites where you can learn the placement of full-stops and commas. It might be a good idea to check them out, as using them incorrectly can make your ms difficult to read and can sometimes cause confusion. (I won’t point out any more as this comment would get too long). 11) ‘The rain bought’ ‘bought’ should be ‘brought’ 12) ‘as the new batch of lilies start’ ‘start’ should be ‘started’ 13) ‘the heat radiated from’ Unless you make this a new sentence, ‘radiated’ should be ‘radiate’ 14) ‘The last bikes…’ How can bikes be converted into power? Okay, you explain it a little further on. Maybe leave out the reference altogether until then? 15) ‘past always seems’ ‘seems’ should be ‘seemed’ 16) ‘ironic local tittle’ ‘tittle’ should be ‘title’ 17) ‘ “Killed ten guards…’ There are a few issues here, around punctuation mainly. Firstly, as this is someone talking who hasn’t been mentioned before, it needs to be a new paragraph. Then it should go; “Killed ten guards, they did,” said one man. The vendor laughed. “That bunch? Nah. I reckon ten of their number got their skulls cracked.” Rome shook his head, stooped for a second under a hand-crank fan, felt the gentle breeze tingle on his neck, and moved on. I’m sure there must be plenty of internet sites that deal with punctuation around quotation marks. This would be something else that might be worth checking out. 18) ‘aspired too’ ‘too’ should be ‘to’ 19) ‘three storeys of crumbling commerce high’ should be ‘three storeys high of crumbling commerce’ 20) ‘some much entertainment’ ‘some’ should be ‘so’ 21) ‘walking towards them, red handed.’ I don’t quite follow this. Should it be ‘Caught red-handed.’ ? 22) ‘doubled checked’ ‘doubled’ should be ‘double’ This should be hyphenated 23) ‘Christens’ Earlier you referred to ‘Christians’. Are they the same thing? Confusing. 24) ‘had made him loss’ should be ‘had made him a loss’ I loved the continuous references to the lilies. I got the sense that they’re really important in their society. I assume the reason will come later. There’s a huge amount of info in this chapter. You’ve created an amazingly detailed world, but I’m not sure that all of that detail is necessary for the reader to understand the world and the story. Perhaps it would pay to go through and work out which bits are essential and eliminate everything that isn’t. Too much detail can be confusing and slow the story down. I don’t really feel as though the story has even started yet. Ch 2 1) The punctuation issues stand as for Ch 1, but there are also some grammatical errors around tenses. 2) This chapter again has a lot of ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’ (though less than Ch 1 and as a consequence I enjoyed it more). Again, I suspect much of this background is also not essential to the storyline. 3) Roses on her side of the wall, huh? I like it, especially the fact that you just incorporate it as general information without making a big deal of it, though I’m assuming it’s going to be really important. 4) ‘Beaurocratactic’ should be ‘Beauroctratic’ 5) ‘the animals scared’ ‘scared’ should be ‘sacred’ 6) ‘long buy 100 metres’ ‘buy’ should be ‘by’ numbers should be written as words. 7) You tell us a lot about the pig vault, but never once do you intimate that it has some special significance as a ‘portent’. Yet both Shunka and the guard act as though the power-cut (because it’s in that vault only) signifies something big. It feels wrong to learn of it this way when you’ve provided so many less-important details. I think this story has a lot of potential. And (if the punctuation is ignored) you have a lovely, fluid writing style and your dialogue is excellent. Mainly (again, except for the punctuation), it just needs paring back in the description to allow the story to flow. Good luck with this. Sue

Dear AD, You’ve created a fantastic sci-fi world with POLLEN. Rhinoceros courier beetles, air-purifying lilies, spring-legs (got to get me one of those), kinetic energy harvesters, nanotech body modifications, meat farm, PaveVerts (ala Minority Report), tactile buildings, and what not – more than the characters and the story itself, I found myself rushing through the text just to seek out the next new thing. I also liked the way you’ve imagined the new world order. The world seems to have devolved into a bunch of isolated feudal societies in the wake of governmental collapse. The text is in need of an overhaul. Nevertheless, the bleak picture that you’ve painted is quite clear in my mind. The rain sequence in the beginning was simply brilliant as it spoke a thousand words about the grim state of affairs. That society has degenerated into a mindless and soulless husk concerned only with the superficial niceties of life was quite evident in the second chapter. I applaud you for your fertile imagination and these fine thoughts. 6 STARS for now (mainly for concepts and plot), and I look forward to reading it again after your next edit. I’m watch-listing it with hopes that you’d iron out the chinks and upload some new chapters soon. :-) Best of luck Warm regards, AGC

I am impressed by your vision, and the intricate, well thought out details of your world. The opening scene is a great piece of writing, really liked the rain / monster analogy. You're adept at creating atmosphere and clearly have a rich imagination. However, as other have also pointed out, I think this needs a good polish in order to truly show off the natural writing ability you have. I found myself repeatedly stumbling due to lack of punctuation and repetition, and somewhat confused in places. I would love to re-read it when you've had a tidy up, it reminds me of Bloodtide by Melvin Burgess and I couldn't put that down!

Love the ideas here, great writing and great flow. I've only read the first chapter but am excited to read more. Will try and provide some constructive criticism upon further reading but really, I'm loving everything I've seen so far. The pitches were great, love the ideas, very intriguing. Great work, highly starred! (: Cheers, Bre Memoria

Pollen SF42 Review Aaron, I’ve read the first three chapters. This is a story crammed full of very imaginative ideas. The two walled cities are well described and the principle characters, Rome and Shunka, are developing nicely. You write with a great deal of passion about the future technological and political scene in your story. By the time I left, at the end of chapt. 3, you’d successfully guided me to a plot that probably involves Rome and Shunka escaping their respective prisons. So, that’s all very good. Now the bad…..punctuation and typos. It’s riddled with them. I guess you know that already. It didn’t destroy the story for me, but it was sometimes hard work reading the sentences correctly. I'm afraid it’s a case of reading it through about twenty times and weeding them all out. Here are a few random jottings I made as I read – Ch. 1 Despite the storm it seems surprisingly peaceful under that café awning. You could cut some of the city description down and still get the message across. ‘Spring feet 821k mods’ – They sound good, what are they? Some very good, imaginative ideas emerging - lily pollen – beetles. Like the comment about fame. How was the Rome’s rope secured to the wall? I’d like a pair of K-Legs. Ch. 2 The future-farmer idea is excellent. For me, you may be trying to cram too many future-tek ideas into the description. They’re all good ideas but they’re a bit overwhelming. The pig pen powercut is obviously an important event. Hasn't it ever happened before in Little Tokyo? Ch. 3 Didn’t write much. That’s a good sign, it means I’m more interested in the story than looking for problems. Hope you get something out of these comments. Gareth

This is a BHCG review. The book is a sci fi dystopia and I love sci fi. I love the concept and could see this going far with some work on a few details. Setting is a strong point. The sights and smell of the place, as well as the tech really show this world is very different from our own. Interesting that the lilies didn’t smell as they are a strong fragrance in our world, but I can see that from things created from artificial methods. The main characters come over clearly and are very different. One is a failed rebel and the other is a girl with disadvantages who has fought her way to the top of the heap. Both are likable characters and the reader is drawn into sympathy for them. Back story? Mms, well I didn’t get much over what I could see. The attempt to climb the wall failed, but why did he try? What was the reward for getting over? Which brings me to the main point. What is the driver? What is at stake? Where are the consequences? The power fails in the pig unit, but there isn’t much in the way of a threat. What is looming over the horizon that propels the characters to change? Something should be upfront to tempt the reader, who now cares about these guys. Dialog. Nicely done. The voices were different and felt realistic. Mechanics. I started to pick out various typos, but the big issue is grammar. There are commas where none are needed and they are lacking when they should be in place. Semi colons have their place. I saw places where these should have been inserted. Words need to be hyphenated. There is also a tendency to rely on adverbs, which are tells and not shows. Also the construction, he felt, she felt, should be avoided as these are tells. first paragraph. I believe it should be spelled nowhere. Two faced needs a hyphen as does semi closed. 5th needs to be written fifth. (He felt) is not a good construction and should be avoided as it is a tell and not a show. It could be rectified with ‘his stomach twisted’. Level 82 needs to be written level eighty two Window wishers needs a hyphen Thank you for sharing. I'd love your opinions on my sci fi book, Enchanted Trap. .

SF42 review I read the first two chapters and I liked the curious world you are building. However, being an old fogey, I found there was a little too much description and world-building for me and not enough story. The start/prologue, about the coming of the rain, is intriguing. The anniversary of Rome’s escapade is interesting, but apart from that we see the start of what, for him, seems an ordinary day. Is the argument with his wife significant later on? Can it be merely alluded to in his conversation with Mikel, rather than taking up so much of the start of the story? Because Rome’s day is ordinary, this part could be pruned quite a lot, while still getting the essential information across. I think ‘less is more’ could be applied to both of the first two chapters to race the reader to the more interesting stuff. I thought the second chapter could pretty much start with the para “Buzzing out of the parlour ... “ etc. In other words, get to Shunka’s meeting with the dodgy Vibol as soon as possible. I really liked the idea of the endangered animals living in extravagant simulations of their natural habitats. But I was a little puzzled by the ending of Ch.2 - to me it seemed a bit of a non sequitur. Why does Shunka conclude that ‘something big’ was happening merely because there’d been a brief power cut in the pigs’ simulator? Perhaps this needs a little explaining? There were a lot of typos, as everyone below has already mentioned. Too many, in fact, to make for an easy read. I will send you a list separately in a message, although I probably missed a few. Anyway, the one thing I would suggest is to speed up the pace a little and prune the detailed descriptions. I think most readers will pick up a lot from hints dropped here and there, without having it all spelt out (or misspelt out - sorry, I couldn’t resist that :-)). With a cleaner text, the reader will get a clearer picture of your world and the story you’re setting inside it. Keep working on it and good luck!

I'm glad I read the other comments before adding my own - because as it turns out I really don't have anything new to add! I was going to harp on about how well you paint a vivid picture using description, and the fact that it all needs a good proofread, spell, grammar and punctuation check. The descriptions could use reigning in a little bit on occasion, and I'd suggest limiting the use of favourite words e.g. 'titanic' and 'tangle' - both of which appear twice on the same page. Other than that, I enjoyed the first part of this and think that, with some polishing, this could be a mighty contender for the Ed's desk. Good work. Feel free to return the read.

The author has very descriptive writing whilst avoiding the major pitfall of excess modifiers. I like the anecdote about the spider, a good use of show-not-tell. The world is well thought out. If I interpret correctly, lilies are cleverly used in air filtering and oxygen exchange. Sugar is the desired drug of choice. People vote how to punish criminals. Farmers harvest DNA. Chipped rhinoceros beetles replace couriers, pneumatic tubes, and mail. There's a moral thread throughout; if I'm not mistaken, the moral issues will become paramount. Pollen is an intriguing story and I back it.

The author has very descriptive writing whilst avoiding the major pitfall of excess modifiers. I like the anecdote about the spider, a good use of show-not-tell. The world is well thought out. If I interpret correctly, lilies are cleverly used in air filtering and oxygen exchange. Sugar is the desired drug of choice. People vote how to punish criminals. Farmers harvest DNA. Chipped rhinoceros beetles replace couriers, pneumatic tubes, and mail. There's a moral thread throughout; if I'm not mistaken, the moral issues will become paramount. Pollen is an intriguing story and I back it.

SF42 Hi A I've read most of chapter 1, but stopped as it's so long, and my notes were becomming repetetive: 'Sucking in humid air through his nose.' The sucking in bit works, but the 'through his nose' just seems like it's been put there simply to clarify that he's not literally sucking it through a straw or something. Although, 'sucking in' air does perhaps seem like more the kind of thing you'd do after a hard run, rather than relaxing. The last sentence of paragraph 1 seems like it should have a dash or a semicolon somewhere. 'being watched(,) he peered down...' 'sky scraping' 'now this monster(')s dark (fingernails)' 'The street lamps flickered [...] he glanced up' - these should be, I think, two sentences. They are not related, and so seperating them with only a comma doesn't make sense...to me :) 'Some screamed(,) some laughed(,)' - would something like 'screeched', or 'shrieked' or something work better than 'screamed'? My immediate thought was 'why the hell would anyone scream at a cloud?', but of course you mean a more tame kind of scream at getting caught in the rain, not a blood-curdling, 'oh my god, we're all going to die' scream. 'The rain b(r)ought a coolness' Could 'breaking clouds' be replaced with something that continues the analogy? Finding that 'Rome' is a person's name was pretty jarring (I didn't read the pitch). I thought he was IN Rome, and you just hadn't told us his name yet. The first mentions of 'Rome' could easily be referring to the city. I think '24 hours earlier' needs to be, at least, in bold. I notice you spell colour with a 'u', so you're using UK English. In that case, somewhere back in the first part, you said 'toward', which is the American version of 'towards'. Wouldn't 'four' be part of the name of the tower - ie, 'Tower Four'? 'Yawning(,) he scrutinised...' '...sighing through his nose(, h)e almost picked up...' It is also entirely unnecessary to tell us which orifice he sighs through. 'The heat instantly s(a)nk its teeth...' 'punch of light' confuses me. What is a punch of light, and how does it make noise and smell? 'Only the nimble can navigate in the torrent of people' - can? Present tense? 'apologise to Mae(.)' A comma is far too weak here. 'Still(,) he didn't do well with guilt(; or . A)s a child(,) he trapped a spider in a glass and left it outside, too terrified to lift the glass up to let it out ((in case) it came for him)(. I)t sat there for hours.' Why did he trap it if he wanted to let it go again? 'might get cold so b(r)ought) the glass...' 'Rome's nostalgia...' - this line should be on a new paragraph. '"Hey(,) Rome(,)" (c)ame a call from his left.' 'see a friend, Mickel(,) decelerating' - 'a friend' or 'his friend'? '(guarantee) of something new' 'ice cream' - the fact that you capitalised, though, suggests this might be something else; in which case, ignore. 'always seem(ed) to be present' Geeks generally are the ones who don't like physical contact. Or are awkward about it. '...get in touch. (O)h, and if you can...' 'ice cream' - this time, you didn't capitalise it, so maybe it is just normal ice cream. 'Mickel indicated' - indicated what? Without vehicles, would there be traffic lights? You haven't capitalised 'Tower' this time. 'All road (led to) the central market' 'food security. (T)hey never mentioned starving people' 'There is no government here' - present tense again. I'm going to stop here, because it is a long chapter, and the notes are going to be pretty much the same anyway. It is mostly well written - very good descriptions of the cloud at the start standing out particularly - but it needs a lot of work on commas. The second problem is slipping from past tense into present, here and there. Those are the only two problems, really. I think the pitch could do with a bit of tweaking to really show what the story is about, but otherwise, I think this will do well. Good luck with it :)

SF42 Read the chapters you’ve posted, and I think you’ve got a lot of great ideas here. The opening really catches one’s attention, and the world you set up is quite interesting. I especially love the description of New Hanoi’s network being used like an “open diary” – a great commentary on today’s culture of over-sharing online. You also seem to have a real knack for descriptions, and the adjectives you use paint a vivid and colorful picture of your world. However, I think you need to go through your manuscript and scrub it for little nitpicky English class type issues. Here are a couple I picked up in Chapter 1: “He wasn’t sleepy, he was scheming.” The comma should be either an em-dash or a semicolon. Generally, commas shouldn’t be used to separate phrases that work as stand-alone sentences (unless they’re linked by a word like “and” or “which” or “therefore”, etc.) “All the water is underground these days…” Same thing about the commas. Maybe try linking them with something like “All the water is underground these days, and no one missed it, but the mosquitoes had nowhere left to breed.” “Thick lilly blossoms” should be “Thick lily blossoms” “He lent forward” should be “He leaned forward” “Look if I were two faced would I be wearing this one?” This sentence seems to be missing a few commas. Try: “Look, if I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” “The heat instantly sink its teeth…” should be “The heat instantly sank its teeth…” And a couple more missing commas that I won’t list for now – I’m sure you’ll pick them up when you edit ;-) That being said, I think that overall, it’s quite well-written and engaging. You do a good job of setting up your world, giving the reader enough so that he/she knows what’s going on without getting bogged down in details and revealing more when it becomes relevant. And the science is quite fascinating – clearly, you’ve put a lot of thought into this, so good job! I like the attitude with which you write the second chapter. I know that writing in second person is generally frowned upon, but I think it works here because it’s being told from Shunka’s perspective, and it really illustrates her voice. She’s a fascinating character and really fun to read about. Generally, I think you should add more “said Rome” or “Shunka replied” type phrases to your dialogue so that it’s easier for the reader to keep track of who’s talking. Some of your dialogues can get quite long, which is fine, but it can be a little hard to follow after a while. Perhaps you could also insert a few phrases about the POV character’s inner reactions to help the reader get to know him/her better. Overall, I think you have an interesting and original premise, and I like how you switch between Rome and Shunka, showing different parts of the world. I would suggest that the section before “24 hours earlier” be separated as an introduction or prologue rather than tacked onto the beginning of the first chapter, since it serves as a teaser. Keep writing – I think you’ve got the opening to something very interesting here. Cheers, M. Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

good story building and original premise... j what every woman should know

What a fantastic first chapter - you had me absolutely enthralled. I definitely have to return the compliment about world building, the way you add description is perfect. I could almost feel the heat and humidity, hear the people on the street and smell the lillies. You've set it up wonderfully. Keep going, this is excellent.