James, More hooks in this book than on a pirates ship. Brilliant. I am sure there is some reason that you dont come on here and support or push your book, but I think its a winner. its not just the flow and pace of the narrative, but the way you describe tells me you have been writing for two hundred years. Its really class. So well done. i loved this and only see good times ahead for it. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

HI I am reading your book and i am loving it. Your opening paragraph of the first chapter caught my attention. What i love o read is what you are have posted here. I am loving with the way Brotherhood of Thieves came on board. that will gives your readers some curiosities, they would like to know what they actually thief. It got me happier when i learned that they are about to steal to a Princess, a beatiful one. I love Coren a lot with the way you make Coren going on with the plot. I will read more, recommend it for others and rate you six stars. I am wondering if you would like to read my book- i have done some changes to it and the first chapter ave been edited by an Editor. Thanks Isoje David Animals In Paradise

A gang of noble thieves out to kidnap/ rescue a princes with magic, humour and action, a fun read. Ch1 a lot of the descriptions are jumpy with short sentences... The occasional 'and' or ';' would help. After that the story takes off and becomes very enjoyable with lots of lovely touches. Ch2 the humour of the mage's wood shoes tripping 'him' up made me smile. Ch3 better and better, more flowing. Ch4 the conversation between the two boys about the lamp developed their characters nicely. Exciting ending: a real hook. Ch5 the word 'dead' seems a little heavy for this action comedy. Ch11 'kueller' reminds me of Cueller DeVill from 101 doamations Ch14 don't need to say they're near the edge of the forest. Ch24 great cliff hanger of an ending... a well deserved 5 stars and a backing Cas The Wind Maker

James, I can see you've been away from the site, and written off this as a piece of writing, but now the dust has settled on your decision maybe there's an opportunity to salvage something from this. What I've just read was well enough written and edited to self publish, so why not give that a shot? You can do it at no cost to yourself, other than buying a copy to pop on your bookshelf so what's to lose? Alternatively rather than just giving away something you have obviously worked so hard on why not look for a writing partner, someone who could add whatever you think this is lacking. OK, it's your call at the end of the day, and no doubt it was a long and hard decision to jettison this. All I'm saying us that in my opinion, based on your opening, there's some value here, and it seems a shame to just write off both that and the hard work you have put in. Best wishes, James

Hey James, I’m here to read chapter 2 finally! Again, your descriptions are very well done and easy to imagine. I really liked your opening sentence for the second chapter. “cooling the excitement…” Great image! Like “Shadows lengthened” – may have to steal it! “This creature standing quietly is a Mage.” I think the tense needs to be changed, “The creature that stood quietly was a Mage.” I had to go back and read the sentence before it a few times to figure out what bugged me about the two sentences. The tense went from past to present. “Now – what is a Mage, you ask?” I don’t think you need the “-“ after “Now.” A comma would be better I’d take a look at your second chapter again and pay attention to your tenses. You switch from past and present a few times, so that’s one thing you may want to look into. One sentence you’re saying to Mage “was” this and then you start talking about how it “is” something else. It kind of threw me off. “Magic is slowly dying these days, as it is being swept aside by…” the rest of this sentence falls onto the line below when there is space on it. I think this is a surface error that happened without your knowledge, so I thought I’d point it out. Really like that a “Mage is a magician.” Very cool and interesting way to perceive wizardry. Unique Also like that Mage is without gender. Another cool trait And no face! – I like that “And so it was that No-Name found himself…” It seems as though something is missing in this first part of the sentence. I had to read it a few times to understand what you meant, and I think all it really needs is a comma, so other readers don’t find themselves reading it over. “And so it was[,] that No-Name…” “…and he was very proud and pleased about that, because” – don’t need the comma after the word “that” and I would use the word “by” instead of “about” I like that you refer to him as “our Mage” in the story. It’s cute, as if he were a lost little kid. It makes Mage even more likeable, and the reader wants things to work out for him. “When he first arrived in Arcadia, No-Name…” I’d fix this sentence to say, “When he first arrived in Arcadia, No-Name had to be very careful [of] where he walked, [to make sure he did not] get stepped on, or cause other people to trip.” “Because the houses bowed together and their angled roofs drew close[,] the distance was not more than a few feet[,] so the boy and girl jumped easily.” – two commas “…and when he finally stood on the other side he decided that it [hadn’t] been that difficult at all, really.” – hadn’t instead of hasn’t (tense change) From what I’ve read, chapter 2 is a very well thought out chapter. It has a few minor grammar errors, and tense problems, but most writers go through that. I, in particular, have a problem with tenses, so I get it. But James, this is great! You’re a fantastic story-teller with a way of captivating me as I read. I just want to continue on! I’m very impressed by the way you describe their surroundings so flawlessly, and without repetition. Like I mentioned before, that is huge! I also like that your story isn’t just from the viewpoint of one person, but now two different people; Mage and the thief. I look forward to reading your next chapter, and once again, I’m sorry I took so long to read it. Keep up the spectacular writing! Christine Rees Spark

Hi James I came across Tamria by accident via Lucy Middlemass's page, and couldn't resist a quick look-in. I've read chapter one (book 1). I'd guess you are not looking for any further in-depth reviews since you are on to book 2, but my overall impression so far is that is a fun, fast-paced read. I enjoyed both the outright humour of the dialogue, which felt natural and easy-flowing, as well as the underlying humour in the prose. E.g. 'an anchor that, fortunately, no one had ever dropped'. Nice touch. The descriptions were light, vivid, and crisp - one that springs to mind is the view of the world below from the Tarantella - 'lively with the works of harvest.' It's been a while since I've been in the UK, but I think the tone of the thieves' dialect in speech came across naturally - just enough to give the feel of a modern, updated Oliver Twist dynamic to this band of thieves - especially with the 'artful dodger' touch. I'm not fully in my zone with YA, but this reminded me very much of Michael J Sullivan (Theft of Swords) - plenty of humour mixed in with the serious business of thieving! Great read so far, smooth prose with the promise of much adventure and action to come. I'm not sure if high/epic fantasy is your thing, but if you do ever have time to take a peak at my book (fairly new on autho) I'd appreciate any feedback. all the best with Tamria

Hey James, So I’ve finally had time to review your story! YAL review. I love the conversational tone in your narration. Asking the reader questions is definitely a way to keep the reader interested. “Today was Aloria’s birthday – and the whole…” I would use a comma instead of “-“ in between your sentence. In my opinion, I feel as if it makes the sentence flow better. Very nice descriptions. Everything is clear and crisp in my mind as I read through. The cropland wasn’t just yellow… it was bright yellow, etc. Anything described is vivid and easily created through imagination. Like the name “Tarantella” Interesting that the boy is fifteen but doesn’t know for sure his age. Piques curiosity. I really like Dio, and how he “wears shadows.” Good hook “Coren had to lean on the walls to steady himself: the shifting of the floor worried his balance.” I’d end the sentence with himself, instead of using a colon. It makes the idea of the shifting floor stick better. The sentences are punchy, more memorable that way. Again, love your descriptions. “The ocean rippled” - very nice. “The tallest tower looked like a shard of crystal…” Love this. I also like that the story revolves around thieves who are more cunning than anything, and if you aren’t, like Brutus, you aren’t exactly accepted. It’s a bit of a change, since usually the smaller ones are picked on. It makes for a great story. “big lug” and “blundersome blockhead” awww haha, poor Brutus I like the names. They’re all so different, unique. Coren is my favorite. Love that the chapter ends with them discussing this mission they’re about to go on. I want to know more about it, and if they will succeed. Will one of them get caught? Hurt? Die? Some drama is going to enfold in the next few chapters. The reader already knows that after reading the first. Seems as if there’s a bit of tension between Brutus and Coren as well. You do a good job of explaining that through dialogue, instead of merely narrating it for the reader. Great job of “showing instead of telling” I get the feeling the main character – one of the boys – is going to fall in love with the girl they’re kidnapping from the palace, the princess, which will bring about much more drama. Ha, good word. “dunderheads” I really enjoyed the way you wrote this story. Nothing appears repetitive, and the sentence structure is very well done. You have a natural talent, and the way your story flawlessly flows shows how much time you’ve spent correcting it and making it perfect. Clearly, you have polished this beginning and there really is nothing bad for me to say about it. Descriptions are very important to me, and because it was so easy for me to visualize everything, I quite enjoyed it. The first chapter is composed of plenty of great hooks, to make the reader want to continue to the next chapter. I really like that their thieves… yes, I’ve mentioned this already. Just thought I would again. Highly starred! Christine Rees Spark

Hey James, So I’ve finally had time to review your story! YAL review. I love the conversational tone in your narration. Asking the reader questions is definitely a way to keep the reader interested. “Today was Aloria’s birthday – and the whole…” I would use a comma instead of “-“ in between your sentence. In my opinion, I feel as if it makes the sentence flow better. Very nice descriptions. Everything is clear and crisp in my mind as I read through. The cropland wasn’t just yellow… it was bright yellow, etc. Anything described is vivid and easily created through imagination. Like the name “Tarantella” Interesting that the boy is fifteen but doesn’t know for sure his age. Piques curiosity. I really like Dio, and how he “wears shadows.” Good hook “Coren had to lean on the walls to steady himself: the shifting of the floor worried his balance.” I’d end the sentence with himself, instead of using a colon. It makes the idea of the shifting floor stick better. The sentences are punchy, more memorable that way. Again, love your descriptions. “The ocean rippled” - very nice. “The tallest tower looked like a shard of crystal…” Love this. I also like that the story revolves around thieves who are more cunning than anything, and if you aren’t, like Brutus, you aren’t exactly accepted. It’s a bit of a change, since usually the smaller ones are picked on. It makes for a great story. “big lug” and “blundersome blockhead” awww haha, poor Brutus I like the names. They’re all so different, unique. Coren is my favorite. Love that the chapter ends with them discussing this mission they’re about to go on. I want to know more about it, and if they will succeed. Will one of them get caught? Hurt? Die? Some drama is going to enfold in the next few chapters. The reader already knows that after reading the first. Seems as if there’s a bit of tension between Brutus and Coren as well. You do a good job of explaining that through dialogue, instead of merely narrating it for the reader. Great job of “showing instead of telling” I get the feeling the main character – one of the boys – is going to fall in love with the girl they’re kidnapping from the palace, the princess, which will bring about much more drama. Ha, good word. “dunderheads” I really enjoyed the way you wrote this story. Nothing appears repetitive, and the sentence structure is very well done. You have a natural talent, and the way your story flawlessly flows shows how much time you’ve spent correcting it and making it perfect. Clearly, you have polished this beginning and there really is nothing bad for me to say about it. Descriptions are very important to me, and because it was so easy for me to visualize everything, I quite enjoyed it. The first chapter is composed of plenty of great hooks, to make the reader want to continue to the next chapter. I really like that their thieves… yes, I’ve mentioned this already. Just thought I would again. Highly starred! Christine Rees Spark

Hi, there--this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing. Pitches—I think more would be better. The SP is too generic to offer enough enticement, as is the LP. I think can imagine should be could imagine. Just looking at your pitches and your tags, I’d say we could use some humour as well. Plot--opening, narrative flow/momentum If the Brotherhood of Thieves is capitalized in the manuscript, why not also in the pitches? I favor dropping paragraphs 1-5 and filling those details in as needed. This gets the book started with the image of the ship and the intro to Coren, which I suspect are bigger players than the world of Tamria. Now that I have finished Chapter 2 I see that Tamria itself is more important, so I’d like to change my advice. Drop paragraphs 1-5 and give us something juicier and bolder about Tamria. Very nice cliff-hanger at the end of Chapter 2. I’m no expert at pacing but am beginning to recognize it because people keep telling me I have pacing issues. I think we spend a great deal of time traversing the roofs. If the information shared there—the dropped shoe, No-Name’s growing confidence—if those details become vital later, then it’s fine. Otherwise, perhaps this section could be quicker? Characters/Characterization I love how parts of Coren’s body are quarreling. I think there’s a bit too much telling when you introduce us to the characters with Coren. Their banter should be detailed enough to show us their personalities. I noticed this particularly with the paragraph starting, “With a condescending voice…” Cassius’s remarks can provide all the description you’ll ever need. Particularly if he’s gonna pick at his nail polish! I like how some of the characters speak with distinctive accents. I envision this as a read-aloud book, and those accents give moms and dads a chance to have some fun. It feels as though each character receives a perfunctory description upon being introduced. I encourage you to resist offering so much right at first. Let their personalities shine through, and offer us those details as the character emerges. Perhaps this is counter-productive of me, but I like the way No-Name is introduced. Of course, he’s the only character we are meeting at the time, which makes it a bit easier for the reader to follow along and absorb ‘his’ characteristics. However, I find it curious that a mage doesn’t know simple vocabulary. Where’s he been living?? Perhaps a few details could be sprinkled in earlier to clarify his lack of knowledge. Point of View/Voice In chapter 2, your 3rd person narrator is giving us the story from the point of view of No-Name, who doesn’t know many names of things. This proves to be a bit tricky as the narrator notes the airship, but No-Name doesn’t know what one is or even that it’s an unusual sight. Style--very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader Just a few paragraphs in, I feel Chapter 2 is a much better reflection of your sort of glib, amused style than was Chapter 1. (I’m guessing you’ve been editing Chapter 1 quite a lot.) Sentence level--grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc To make an em dash—like these—you want to type two hyphens and omit spaces. We’ve got Flynn and Flynn and Finn and Flynn. Which is it? “Climbing had been straightforward, crossing one horizontally…” Delete ‘one.’ Or add ‘the ladder’ to the phrase before the comma. Dialogue I’d like more of this and a bit less narration. Originality I like No-Name and find him to be an original and funny character. My knowledge of this genre is paltry, so consider my lack of experience when I say that I hear echoes of Stardust in the description of the Tarantella, see shadows of Robin Hood and his Merry Men in the Brotherhood, and feel a bit like we’re invading the castle of either Florin or Guilder as the Brotherhood plans the attack. It’s possible those echoes, shadows, and feelings are the only ones I can get, so I make the connections whenever possible. Publishability Because I’m reading way outside my comfort zone, I can’t really comment on this. I do, however, appreciate the humor. I think we need many more books underpinned by humor. All the best to you, ~AudreyB Forgiveness Fits

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 17: The mystery thickens here, as finally we meet Kueller – an enigmatic figure who has been mentioned from very early on in the story. The sense of threat develops, and the reader begins to wonder more about his involvement. I like the power play between him and Beruthia – the queen really isn’t in control. The questions keep rising in the reader’s mind; for instance what really is ‘Kueller’s Experiment’? Subtle references to the ‘rogue Mages’ also arouse suspicions to heighten the tension. Another thing I particularly liked was the dialogue about ‘power’ and ‘trust’. Great stuff! Cara

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 17: The mystery thickens here, as finally we meet Kueller – an enigmatic figure who has been mentioned from very early on in the story. The sense of threat develops, and the reader begins to wonder more about his involvement. I like the power play between him and Beruthia – the queen really isn’t in control. The questions keep rising in the reader’s mind; for instance what really is ‘Kueller’s Experiment’? Subtle references to the ‘rogue Mages’ also arouse suspicions to heighten the tension. Another thing I particularly liked was the dialogue about ‘power’ and ‘trust’. Great stuff! Cara

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 16: This is a great chapter where we delve into Queen Beruthia’s thoughts, and the politics in the world of Tamria. The complexity of the story is heightened, building tension for future books. Especially, I liked the details about the villain, Kueller, and the Queen’s fear of him. We also find out about Aloria’s true identity, and the plans of world conquest. There is plenty of mystery, and questions raised. Cara

This is much more visual than the last version. I definitely feel more of a connection to this one than the previous versions. I had no idea that's what the Tarantella looked like. Fantastical. Did you change the book description? I'm certain something about the blurb has changed. Well, anyway, I like this blurb. Certainly more gripping and makes me want to read the book. I still have to read on, but this is the best version I've read, hands down. Nicely done :)

Hi James Although it is midnight here I have just read Chp 3 and discovered Doris's long lost regal relative. The similarities to my character are quite uncanny. I love your portrayal of her dripping in jewelry caught in her flabby folds, wonderful. And the mad intelligence that lurks within is evident. Your writing is descriptive and captivating. Just a couple of things i noticed. In the paragraph that begins Poor woman, there is a mistake I believe. You say, 'Most frightful were his eyes.' I reckon you mean her eyes. Also when describing the steps flanked by potted trees you say...'staircase's far flung fleet.' should be feet? Given the hour and my wilting lettuce like lids, I will come back to the book very soon with less tired eyes. I have a couple of promised swap reads to do but I have put you on my watch list. Thanks for your support for The Ghost Shirt David (D.J)

Hello James: I began reading Tamria: Book One and found your writing style to be quite delightful. Your description of the floating airship is imaginative and sets the tone for a dreamlike setting. Through the course of the dialogue and back story, you effectively present a unique profile of each of the characters. Blessings to you for all success in this series. James

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 3 This chapter is great because of the way tension ebbs and flows. The transitions are handled nicely, so we jump from the exciting atmosphere of the party, to the thieves as they commence their plan, to the musings of Sir Gustav, and the problem of the missing princess! Background information is interweaved nicely, and at no point does the reader feel like they’re being overburdened by it. There are also great descriptions linking to the world of Tamria, making them unique and fresh – such as the princess being described as ‘Dreamflower of Tamria, after that rare blossom said to lie dormant and bloom once in a hundred years, briefest and fairest.’ I love that line. Nice comical touches also lighten the mood, such as Gustav bumbling along, encased in his armour. All these elements make the read very enjoyable, and if this was a book, the pages would be rapidly turning :) Cara

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 2 This chapter begins with some lovely description of the atmosphere as dusk is falling, and the reader really feels like they are there in the scene, waiting with anticipation for the party to begin. Great introduction to the mage, No-Name. The writing has a conversational tone here that makes it very easy to read. I also think the task of creating new and appealing magical characters is very hard, given the fantasy genre is so overcrowded with them. But this is well done here! No-Name is a fun, fresh and likeable character, and his interactions with the other children are enjoyable to read about. There is a strong feeling of excitement as they head towards the Palace, and my favourite part was seeing how No-Name overcomes his fears. His innocence is also adorable, and older readers might be provoked to think about the world and how much *nicer* it might be if some of No-Name’s principles were applied in our everyday lives. At the end of the chapter, we are left with the line ‘It’s starting’. This is a natural cliff-hanger, making us want to turn the page and read on to find out about the party! Great stuff Cara

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 2 This chapter begins with some lovely description of the atmosphere as dusk is falling, and the reader really feels like they are there in the scene, waiting with anticipation for the party to begin. Great introduction to the mage, No-Name. The writing has a conversational tone here that makes it very easy to read. I also think the task of creating new and appealing magical characters is very hard, given the fantasy genre is so overcrowded with them. But this is well done here! No-Name is a fun, fresh and likeable character, and his interactions with the other children are enjoyable to read about. There is a strong feeling of excitement as they head towards the Palace, and my favourite part was seeing how No-Name overcomes his fears. His innocence is also adorable, and older readers might be provoked to think about the world and how much *nicer* it might be if some of No-Name’s principles were applied in our everyday lives. At the end of the chapter, we are left with the line ‘It’s starting’. This is a natural cliff-hanger, making us want to turn the page and read on to find out about the party! Great stuff Cara

Your book is truly remarkable in terms of plot and your way of writing. kind of unique, though but exciting. Your story sounds really great. Can't wait further to read what will happen. The idea of an airship is really very good. i really liked the character Brutus despite the way you presented him. Hope you can make more fun out of him. It is really good fantasy novel. Wish you good luck and congratulations.

Tamria Back for a re-read of chapter one. I really enjoyed it this time - especially the Brotherhood all pretending to think that they are supposed to be kidnapping the queen. I couldn't find a mistake in the whole chapter and you know I'll have tried. I'm not sure what you've changed exactly, but I think the descriptions of each Brother are more part of the story now, rather than being given as separate information. I think that's one of the main things I felt needed work in the book as a whole and you've definitely improved it here. Maybe it's because I've read the whole book and I know what's coming but I found it easier to follow and frankly more likeable. Let me know if/when there are other chapters you'd like be to re-read. I don't think I quite finished with the second book/extra chapters either, did I? Lucy

{Tamria} – James Gravil Chapter 1 Revised Hey! So I stopped by for a read before bed and just have some quick thoughts so far! Overall I think the opening is great; the first few paragraphs really set the scene and the prospect of conflict is introduced straight away with the mention of stealing a princess. Although the very beginning sounds a bit Robin Hood-esque, I don’t think this is an issue, because you leap into your own original story very quickly and there’s no problem having a bit of ‘pop-culture’ infused, which I know is what you do at times and it works to good effect. I think the tone is excellent, definitely fitting the genre and perfect for your target audience. It is familiar, conversational, and engaging. You manage to capture the atmosphere on board the ship and introduce the characters, without overly sounding like you are ‘telling’ and info dumping. Often the generic advice is given out ‘show don’t tell’, but this is meaningless advice if taken out of context, when people don’t actually engage with a work and what the author’s objective is. You do it just right here, imo :) The pace also moves along fast, the dialogue is snappy and fun, and does a good job at complimenting the characterization and highlighting the individuality of the crew. If I were an agent, I would read on. One point of general advice I can give so far, though, is that you can still do more with your long pitch – really utilize that word count to show off your originality and uniqueness, what sets you apart? You don’t have to go on with a massive rant about plot, but I’m sure you could infuse a bit of quirkiness into there and make it sound more fun, own your space! Hope that helps for the intro - Cara p.s. I found a few nits to pick out, although these aren’t really issues or flaws, the writing is very polished as is. Some of these points are stylistic too, hope something might be useful ‘naturally it was more disconcerting’ perhaps add something along the lines of ‘because they were so high up in the air?’ Just to make it clear, because some people might find being in a stormy sea more terrifying, if you get me, and this would put it more in the perspective of the characters and what they think. ‘scattering them as a prism scatters rainbows’ → technically a prism doesn’t scatter ‘rainbows’, it scatters the light into rainbows, or ‘splits the light into rainbows’, it doesn’t necessarily matter in a poetic sense though! ‘So that’s Arcadia,’ Coren said → next sentence you say ‘said those words’, so I would change the ‘Coren said’ to something like ‘exclaimed’ or ‘uttered with a sharp intake of breath’, something more exciting! I’d say ‘might have originally been from Arcadia’, just shift the ‘originally’?? I think you need to add; ‘Jibes and insults ::usually:: bounced off…’ just to again emphasise that it depends… ‘A feast was spread on the table, and mouths were stuffed.’ → what do you think of varying the sentence structure hear; ‘A feast was spread on the table, and the crew stuffed their hungry mouths.’ Just to avoid the ‘was’ ‘were’ density in this para?

Hi James, I read chapter 4. I really enjoyed the flow of your story, like someone commented before it felt like I was watching a movie. The characters seemed almost 'Disney like!'. I can see you are already doing very well in the ratings and I am not surprised. I think you are on to a winner and I wish you every success. I would like to add I love your use of the word 'haughty', we dont see that enough these days. Kind Regards and Best Wishes Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

This is still a really fun read. There is so much to it that is adventurous in a fun way. The plot and characters develop super well. Everything in this catches the eye. I like the new cover. Amazing ideas and style of writings. Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Dear James, What a captivating story! What an arc! What an intrigue! The opening paragraphs about the Brotherhood are simply brilliant. You deserve myriads of stars for that, and now, before you get dizzy with my sincere and absolutely well-deserved praise, let me get to the critical part of my comment. I cannot help but qualify your stylistics as plain, but then, nowadays when we writers try to please the common reader, it is an asset rather than a liability. Nobody wants huge paragraph-long phrases and endless rants and Tolstoi- or Dickens-worthy "flows of conscience" anymore. Yet I suggest you add a little "embellishment" to your writing - more metaphors, allusions, epitets, other literary tropes... Or else, when (and it's a "when", not an "if") you make it to the ED, we don't want some highbrow HC editor frown and say "homely and childish", do we? But then, this is how G.R.R. Martin writes - Newsweek gave high praise to Game of Thrones for "lack of unnecessary literary embellishments" - so please feel free to ignore this comment of mine. Sorry, but I scrolled back to Cass-Brutus antagonism and can't help but give more praise - you seem to be skilled in HR management, is it perchance something you do for a living? A job in Human Resources management, maybe? The atmosphere of sparkle and benign conflict is described simply but beautifully. It is a rule of a successful team - there has to be a little teeth-showing, otherwise, when everyone is hypocrite friend to everyone in a team, the atmosphere grows stale and laden with suppressed anger. I, for one, always encourage my employees to gossip behind my back, because berating the boss always takes the steam off. Maybe this little insight will help you in your character development. Will come back later with comments on Chapter 2 as soon as I'm done with other commitments here on Autho. Yours, A.D. P.S. Cass is my kinda man. You guys should all do manicures, really. It's metrosexual, not gay, keep that in mind! :)

As I'm about to embark on a 5-week trip to central America (where I will be without internet access the majority of the time), I made it my priority to finish reading 'Tamria' and comment before I go, as I know how frustrating it can be waiting forever for a response to a read swap! I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the book - now I find myself wanting to read the sequel! Here are my notes: I like the switch to Queen Beruthia's perspective in chapter 16 - I was wondering what was happening in the city after the chaos. Interesting twist with Aloria not really being Beruthia's daughter, and being an Ancient as well! This adds new layers to the storyline and keeps the reader guessing as to how events will turn out. I was pleased that we finally get to meet Kueller in chapter 17, and the descriptions of his appearance, his voice, and his way of moving are brilliant. I like the introduction of the enigmatic Tatl and Tael (great names!) and the possible origin of No-Name. This is a really great chapter that explains an awful lot! In chapter 18, I found the inclusion of information on the history and relations between the states really interesting - it helps us build a more 3-dimensional picture of your world, which you've clearly planned in great detail. The strength of a fantasy novel is in its world-building, and I think yours is one of the most absorbing and convincing I've read on the site! Meanwhile, the potential relationship between Coren and Aloria creates a new subplot. In chapter 20, the encounter with the hostile Mage is very well-described, and you do a great job of evoking Coren's feelings of terror and describing the Mage's scary voice! One nit-pick- I wondered why there is no mention of Dio's death in the chapters following it. I wouldn't have thought that the characters - especially Coren - would have forgotten about him so quickly, even after finding Aloria. I think you could go into Coren's feelings on the loss of his friend a little more, whilst still moving ahead with the story. Just a thought! I like the reference to Goldilocks and the Three Bears at the end of chapter 21, as it works with the fairytale elements in the story itself. I found chapter 22 to be one of the most interesting in terms of developing Aloria's character, and the important information we find out through the dialogue with Coren fits naturally without seeming like an infodump. The climactic chapters are engaging and exciting, and the novel ends on a great cliffhanger! I confess to being disappointed to have reached the end so quickly, but I understand that you're writing a series, and I think this is a good point to break off. I'll have to read the uploaded chapters of the second book next! Overall, I think I definitely made the right choice in shelving this. It's difficult to criticise a book that's obviously been well-thought-out and edited, and the quality remains consistent throughout. Your characters, too, are consistent and three-dimensional; and your writing is well-paced with a good balance of dialogue and description, convincing world-building and an engaging narrative style. I think this is as good as any published novel, and I don't see why an agent would pass it up (though of course I have no idea of how agents' minds work - I recently received my first rejection letter for 'The Puppet Spell', and the agent was incredibly vague about why they didn't want my book...) I'll keep this on my bookshelf for now, and I'll be back to look at the second book when I return from my trip! Thanks for the enjoyable read, and I hope that my comments have been some help! Emma

As I'm about to embark on a 5-week trip to central America (where I will be without internet access the majority of the time), I made it my priority to finish reading 'Tamria' and comment before I go, as I know how frustrating it can be waiting forever for a response to a read swap! I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the book - now I find myself wanting to read the sequel! Here are my notes: I like the switch to Queen Beruthia's perspective in chapter 16 - I was wondering what was happening in the city after the chaos. Interesting twist with Aloria not really being Beruthia's daughter, and being an Ancient as well! This adds new layers to the storyline and keeps the reader guessing as to how events will turn out. I was pleased that we finally get to meet Kueller in chapter 17, and the descriptions of his appearance, his voice, and his way of moving are brilliant. I like the introduction of the enigmatic Tatl and Tael (great names!) and the possible origin of No-Name. This is a really great chapter that explains an awful lot! In chapter 18, I found the inclusion of information on the history and relations between the states really interesting - it helps us build a more 3-dimensional picture of your world, which you've clearly planned in great detail. The strength of a fantasy novel is in its world-building, and I think yours is one of the most absorbing and convincing I've read on the site! Meanwhile, the potential relationship between Coren and Aloria creates a new subplot. In chapter 20, the encounter with the hostile Mage is very well-described, and you do a great job of evoking Coren's feelings of terror and describing the Mage's scary voice! One nit-pick- I wondered why there is no mention of Dio's death in the chapters following it. I wouldn't have thought that the characters - especially Coren - would have forgotten about him so quickly, even after finding Aloria. I think you could go into Coren's feelings on the loss of his friend a little more, whilst still moving ahead with the story. Just a thought! I like the reference to Goldilocks and the Three Bears at the end of chapter 21, as it works with the fairytale elements in the story itself. I found chapter 22 to be one of the most interesting in terms of developing Aloria's character, and the important information we find out through the dialogue with Coren fits naturally without seeming like an infodump. The climactic chapters are engaging and exciting, and the novel ends on a great cliffhanger! I confess to being disappointed to have reached the end so quickly, but I understand that you're writing a series, and I think this is a good point to break off. I'll have to read the uploaded chapters of the second book next! Overall, I think I definitely made the right choice in shelving this. It's difficult to criticise a book that's obviously been well-thought-out and edited, and the quality remains consistent throughout. Your characters, too, are consistent and three-dimensional; and your writing is well-paced with a good balance of dialogue and description, convincing world-building and an engaging narrative style. I think this is as good as any published novel, and I don't see why an agent would pass it up (though of course I have no idea of how agents' minds work - I recently received my first rejection letter for 'The Puppet Spell', and the agent was incredibly vague about why they didn't want my book...) I'll keep this on my bookshelf for now, and I'll be back to look at the second book when I return from my trip! Thanks for the enjoyable read, and I hope that my comments have been some help! Emma

Hey James, -> To be honest, I love the original beginning better. I don't think that surprising to you. :D Regardless, this reads more like a children's book (the beginning) except that once again (the expected description of the surroundings notwithstanding), it's giving out information a first time reader has yet to care for, especially since a character has not yet been introduced nor bound to the narrative. -> Also, (from my knowledge of the story and its world), I had no idea the palace was close to the sea/ocean, as the mention of a harbour implies. Unless of course this is a harbour for airships, in that case the presence of seagulls adds to my confusion. Putting aside my prior knowledge, it seems there are both airships and ordinary ships. -> From what I read before, the paragraphs prior to the introduction of Coren are a crude summary of details taken from the first 4 old chapters. Perhaps if I didn't know it all before, It would be better this way. -> Your narrative has also shifted into a storyteller sort of perspective. I imagine watching this on TV, a voice narrating what is happening with breaks for dialogue. Hence the "I" references and tense changes. It's a new 3rd person perspective for me, though I remember it being in the No-Name chapter. I think this perspective is the reason for the sudden outbursts of information relating to any subject ... kinda like the thoughts of the narrator wonder as he speaks. Hmm. -> I didn't read it all... Skimmed it and it seems you've combined the first 2 chapters from before. Nice. I have no idea how u find the time to make such huge changes, but I respect u for it. Will read on and see... Seems like my comment is just stating the obvious without being much help :D Edwin.

Hey James, This is a fantastic piece of writing, I'm very impressed with what I've read so far. I like the story you've begun weaving and I'm a bit of a sucker for thieves as heroes. I think that the 'telling' rather than 'showing' approach you've taken works for your style of writing, and I didn't find it boring or bothersome in the least. I always like to have a good idea of what the world presented in a novel looks like (especially when the author has created something entirely new) and you did a wonderful job with that. The following are my nitpicks/pieces of advice for you. Keep in mind, these are only my personal opinions, so take them with a grain of salt. - Since you've listed your novel under the 'Children's' category, I believe your chapters are much too long. Now, this is easily remedied and maybe its just the way you've uploaded the MS, but I do believe this is something that needs to be addressed. Kids tend to lose interest quickly and if you have a chapter that seems to drag on (no matter how action packed!) your reader may be inclined to put your book aside. Keep that in mind. - 85, 000 words for a children's novel is steep! Obviously I'm no expert, but I think you'd have a really hard time selling this to an agent at the length that it is. You may want to consider chopping unnecessary sections. - I didn't like the way your narrator says 'I'. Normally, a third party narrator stays kind of anonymous, and to have him say 'I' out of the blue really pulled me out of the story. It raises questions for the reader and is a bit of a distraction. - I've seen you confuse past and present tense several times throughout the first two chapters. A good comb through of your MS would be very beneficial. Overall, your characters are well contrived, your story is flowing at a good pace, and I really enjoyed what I read. Well done. - Hogarth Hughes

James, I am not too sure of it at the moment. Personally speaking I think there is too much dialogue and found myself rushing through sentences. Some names look familiar i.e, Brutus/Cassius and i am sure i have seen Bacchus somewhere. Brotherhood of thieves reminds me of my fav game OBLIVION. I am sure you are aware of it, Imperial city, etc. Have to read more at a later date. Maybe you could shorten the chapters. It may help for easier reading. I was given the same advice. Pat

Sorry it took a while - I'm back to comment on chapters 9 to 15. It was difficult to find errors, mainly because I was so caught up in the story! The descriptions of the forest are great, and the idea of trees that eat people is pretty sinister! I like that No-Name makes a reappearance, and Dio's and Coren's growing exasperation at his ignorance is amusing. Once again, the dialogue is great. I love the 'man-eating lizards' part in chapter eleven. I did think that the scene when the wolves attack seems a little detached, and it isn't clear from whose perspective it is - I know that you're using an omniscient narrator, but I felt that the narrator's observations detracted from the action a bit. Also, there are quite long sections telling us the characters' situation in chapter twelve, which young readers might be tempted to skip over to get to the action. Just my opinion, of course! I really like the way you show us the characters' predicament in these chapters, and the description of Coren's feelings as being like walking on a cliff in darkness - great description! Coren getting kicked out of the Brotherhood, everyone turning on him, and Gustav becoming a reluctant ally are twists I didn't see coming. Dio's death at the end of chapter 15 is shocking, and I think the repetition of 'Dio was dead' is really effective. As before, your story is captivating and imaginative, and there's plenty of action and humour, and some sad moments too. Poor Dio! I'll be back for more shortly - I'm going on a trip later this week so it's my goal to complete all my authonomy readings before I go! Emma

Okay, finally got around to looking at this. You said this was a children's novel? I'm guessing for the older kids; there are some relatively big words that even I don't know. (Or rather, have never heard before. XD ) I suppose that's to go along with the medieval feel of the piece, though. Just letting you know of the matter, anyway~

CHIRG Just read the first two chapters but you were editing so I couldn't continue. I love the style of your writing and I can easily picture the places and characters from your descriptions. It's the kind of fantasy story that I've always enjoyed. If I struggled with anything in the first chapter, it was the number of new characters being introduced at once, but it still flowed well. You have listed this as a children's book, but I fear that some of the words you used are above most children - sardonically, aplomb, and imperious to name but three. It might be an idea to replace these with easier words? (Just a suggestion). When I started on the second chapter, the first thing that hit me was that you'd suddenly started writing in the present tense. I thought there might have been a conscious reason for this as it was a different scene / situation, but when the two children and the mage put the ladder against the wall to climb, you went back into past tense. I guess you need to alter the tense of the first part of the second chapter? All in all I think you've created a wonderful start to a story. I would have continued if you weren't editing. Good luck with this! Mike. (Rudolf Goes Bananas)

First impressions were very encouraging. I kept reading and whilst I was reading, your description of the Airships and the surroundings immediately brought to my mind the Fighting Fantasy books written by Steven Jackson and Ian Livingston. I think it was the The City of Thieves and the Creature of Havoc that it reminded me of specifically. There's a touch of the R. A. Salvatore about your writing, which I don't think is an unfair or unworthy comparison. I have no comment on your grammar, punctuation, etc, because this is not my area of expertise. It all seems good to me. Your story flows nicely, your characters really burst into life. I particularly liked Dio's speech. It gave him real character, real personality. I'm still reading, so I will come back later with more, but for now I'd say - you hooked me 'good n proper.' Incidentally, I don't think it would be too complex for a younger reader. 5 Stars

Well, that was fun... This is one of the best fantasy novel on earth! It's infatuating, fascinating and wonderfully written. I get the picture of the airships, the city, the characters etc. I love the way you put details in environment descriptions. I can nearly see it! There are some advice from me though: -There are some paragraph which is a bit smoother. You need to add a flow, a tone, or whatever you say so ur reader won't get bored reading it. e.g.: doors to the other rooms ran along the left side. and spiralling stairwells were at both ends. The tarantella had three floors, each joined by a staircase. Coren and Dio were at the second floor. Sunlight streamed through a window on the right, flooding the corridor with warmth. Cass and Brute were standing beside this, gazing out in silence. I think the paragraph should have some variation than by keep starting each sentence with subject. I'm not saying that this is a bad paragraph, but I'd prefer this: There were doors leading off to other rooms along the left side, while spiralling stairwells were at both ends. The tarantella had three floors, each joined by staircase. On the second floor were Coren and Dio. It was the sunlight which streamed through a window on the right and flooded the room with warmth. Gazing out in silence, Cass and Brute stood beside this. That really isn't a problem, but you have it quite much, so it's a problem for me, like in the 4th chapter: Bacchus' men slipped into position.... etc. Anyway, you've done it very well. I haven't read till the very end, and it's impossible to miss such a good novel. So I'll just get back to read. Thanks Chevalier

CHIRG/YARG review Hi there James, many thanks for the comments. I really loved a lot of the language you use in the first chapter. It is full of elegant descriptions and I particularly enjoyed the expansive scene of the airship flying over the city. Truly beautifully written. Your characters are fun though I felt your description of them went on too long and especially that you dwell too much on the stupidity of Brutus, I felt that even the narrator was rather mean to him. Your dialogue is absolutely spot on and the scene of the meeting works well. However I wanted a little more action, more of a hook, by the end of the first chapter. All in all though, this is very good. Here are my close observations - nothing major! Today, the Brotherhood was going to steal something. -I don’t like the use of today in the past tense. I would say, one day or, on this particular day. -Same with NOW later on worth beyond a mountain of treasure -beyond is normally used as a modifier of adjectives, it would make more sense to say Worth MORE THAN a… It was the date of the queen’s festival -this simply isn’t said -It was the DAY of the… Horses hauled carriages, wagons, carts, families jostled with possessions. -sentence not clear. Either: Horses hauled carriages. Wagons, carts and families jostled with possessions. OR: Horses hauled carriages, wagons, carts AND families JOSTLING with possessions. Or: Horses hauled carriages, wagons AND carts. Families jostled with possessions. Where has it ever been writ -this archaism doesn’t really fit with the rest of the narration with a flame-red shock of hair -wouldn’t he therefore be very noticeable? Coren worked his arms and shoulders, to ease the weariness from his muscles -comma unnecessary a tongue quick as silver -might be ok spoken but you need the as quick as construction in written English thickest person in the entire Brotherhood. If not the entire world. -I’d delete the first entire thing does fall apart and the guards do come after us -emphatic use of do rather jarring - thing falls apart and the guards come after us. Their heads, Brutus, mind, not ours -too much – I’d say - Their heads, Brutus, not ours Not to mention THE FACT he wouldn’t really do anything thieves for forty years, said he had never met a better ONE. ‘Me neither,’ Dio said, stoicAlly. -runs more smoothly back into its usual blank, mystified expression -comma Very highly starred and lots of luck getting to the desk. You definitely seem to have the vocabulary and mastery of language to deserve a top spot. Best wishes, Benedict

I'm back to comment on the next few chapters of 'Tamria' - something I've been meaning to do for a while! I've read up to the end of chapter eight now, and I'm enjoying this story immensely. As before, I like the easygoing relationship between the thieves, particularly Coren and Dio, and the dialogue is especially good. The plot continues to engage the reader, and I really like the descriptions particularly of the crash-landing in the Twisted Forest (great name, too!). Love the line, 'Everyone except Brutus was doing everything in his power to stay away from Brutus'. With appealing characters and a compelling narrative, I'm certain that I made the right choice in backing this unique, well-written fantasy story. This is a book I'll be reading to the end - do you fancy a chapter swap? I'll be happy to comment as I read, and I'm looking for more comments on the later chapters of 'The Puppet Spell'. :) Emma

Hi James, this isn't my normal genre so it's high praise indeed when I say that this is a cracking good story. Great narrative, lots of imagination and creativity and multi-faceted characters. The pitch is perfect. I'm a great fan of short pitches that don't give much away. That way the story can surprise me. I would happily read on if I had time so well done, really great stuff. All the best Melanie La Vie en Rosé

CHIRG What a brilliant story, great characters. For me, and this is my preference, you set the scene with a visual narrative, however it would be more atmospheric if you would have added descriptive sound and other descriptive senses in the opening. Minor, but to me it sets the scene better. Saying that, what a great storyline, you have the structure of myth built into a very entertaining book. Nice hooks and believable characters drew me as a reader in, a skill that is missing in some fantasy stories. I enjoyed this and will be back to complete the story along with the next book - Ian

Enjoyable and entertaining. Happy to back it.

Hi James, I’m here to check out Tamria. Loved the story and writing. Have a few suggestions below. They are my humblest opinions, of course, so take them for whatever they’re worth. Chapter one Even if your first chapter isn’t action-packed or heavy in suspense, don’t underestimate the power of a strong, opening-line hook. Frankly, there isn’t much of a lure in this one. Even for a children’s story, it isn’t a bad thing to consider. Why is the “Oi, Coron” part italicized? Italics are most often used to indicate internal thought. Doesn’t seem to fit here. “Today, he and his brother were going to steal something.” Totally up to you, but you might consider reworking things to make this your opening line. It’s a strong lure. That said, you know your story best. “sharply sloping” is kind of an awkward combo of words there. For one, I don’t think alliteration is your friend here. Second, it reads funny. Third, if the ceiling slopes, it’s unclear if the entire ceiling is low, or if it’s just lowest at the lowest point. You might consider something like, “The ceiling was low at the highest point with a sharp slope that met the floor.” (or something like that) “knock” I’d add “on the head” Frankly, I think you’re spending way too much time describing the ceiling and the fact that he has to be careful about getting up. All we really get from that paragraph is that he isn’t tall (and perhaps that the ceiling is low). It seems to distract the reader from the story, as you’ve taken us too far away from what’s most interesting, that the MC is about to steal something of significance. There are any number of things that could go wrong on a sea voyage, too. Not sure you’ve really conveyed the idea that the airship is more dangerous than a sea voyage, which seems to be what you were shooting for. “on the right side” On the right side of what? I’m not seeing this. “Coren rubbed himself to get the sleep out of his muscles.” Didn’t he already move his arms to do this? How much focus does this need? Frankly, it isn’t interesting to the reader. Again, you’re pulling the reader from the outstanding story you’ve laid out. “I’ll never get the hang of sleeping on an airship.” I’m guessing that you’re putting so much emphasis in his waking up to support this line, but it really isn’t needed. These last four or five paragraphs could be significantly condensed. “furnished rooms” Weren’t the bedrooms furnished with beds? I would just say what it was furnished with. Otherwise, all you’re telling us is that they weren’t empty of furniture, but why not just say what it’s furnished with? “mountain-range” Two words, no hyphen “verdant” Not sure this word is fitting for a children’s book “put those aside” I’d change to “put those doubts aside” “he told himself” needs to be “he had told himself” since this happened in the past and you’ve written the narration in past tense (making “he told himself” actually happening in the MC’s present). The narrative is very good, but I think it could be even stronger with the imagery amped up around it. Communication between characters is in more than just the words spoken. Expression, gestures and reactions are all crucial items, too. “spectacular and awe-inspiring” They mean more or less the same thing. You could drop one of them and make it a little sharper. Same goes for “thickest and dumbest” “his heavy features kneaded” Kneaded what? This imagery doesn’t really work. The dialogue works very well in helping your characters to pop. It’s really well done. “Very Serious Undertaking” Not sure why this is in caps. If that’s how someone phrases it, it should be in quotes. Overall Impressions: Your biggest strength is your characterization through dialogue. I think this is crucial, especially for children’s and YA genre. It’s easy to connect with your characters, especially the MC. My biggest suggestion is to look to condensing. This chapter dwells on some things that probably don’t deserve the attention they’re given. I felt like I kept getting yanked away from the story to cram in backstory and setting. Those things could be better sprinkled in. We don’t have to know all the details right off the bat. The goal is to get the reader excited about the story and acquire that context more subtlety. Also, there are also redundancies here and there in the descriptions. A very well-written story, though. These are tweaks, not overhauls. I tended to focus on things I thought could use some polish, as I think that’s what you’re looking for, but know I found way more positives than negatives. Good luck with the pitch to the agent. Hope this has been as helpful as your feedback to me was. Phil (Deshay of the Woods)

James, I have read the first chapter and I applaud your idea of a great story. You placed much thought into the plot and characters. It is the world of Tamria. And one of the cities is a place called Elyssia. The band of honourable thieves have a job. And they have an opportunity to become very wealthy men if they succeed in kidnapping the princess of Arcadia. You have done a wonderful job with appropriate character names and personalities to match. I especially like Brutus! Poor Brutus, he is stuck with the luggage again. I know you have worked diligently with your project and it surely shows! I do have some suggestions. You are running high in the rankings. I believe this one suggestion will benefit in your writing, (It was one of my initial mistakes I made in my story, Finger Bones.) I am referring to Dangling Modifiers. A dangling modifier is a word or phrase that modifies a word not clearly stated in the sentence. A modifier describes, clarifies, or gives more detail about the about the concept. FOR EXAMPLE: Their target was the most precious thing in the whole of the kingdom, valuable beyond a mountain of treasure. (What was valuable? In the sentence it is saying the kingdom is valuable. This is incorrect usage. Since the doer of the action expressed in the participle is not clearly stated, the participle phrase is said to be a dangling modifier.) CORRECT: Valuable beyond a mountain of treasure, their target was the most precious thing in the whole of the kingdom. Now the target is valuable. Other sentences I noticed. These examples will help with other sentences in this chapter and the rest of your book. I: He moved his arms and legs, working weariness from his joints. C: Working the weariness from his joints, he moved his arms and legs. (Now the target doer is he.) I: Golden sunbeams streamed though the window on the right, shimmering with dustmotes. (You are saying the right is shimmering) Need to redo. I: They held the briefing in the ships galley, huddled about a low table. (You are saying the galley huddled.) C: Huddled about the low table, they held the briefing in the ships galley. (Now they are huddled.) I noticed several others. I think you get the idea with these examples. Sometimes you may have to make 2 sentences out of it. Other times you can combine the phrase and main clause into one. I know you have worked hard and it is wonderful story. I know as you get closer and closer to your goal on the site, you will be ready and prepared for Harper Collins! GOOD LUCK! I will be happy to look at more or review when you have made corrections. Go on any site about dangling modifiers if I have not given enough samples. Keep Reading! Sara Stinson.

Write a great fantasy and I am hooked! I love to disappear into the world the writer has created. I love the prologue, Can't wait to read! HUM, this golem... Keep Reading! Sara Stinson Come see and read what Finger Bones ad Wendy are up to!

CHIRG Review: Tamria: Book One. Chapter 1 - A Conspiracy of Thieves. honourable villains - immediately thought of Robin Hood and his merry band of men. Liked: 'To the Brothers, a hundred sweating pairs of hands, it was all fair game.' Ethos of the Brothers well depicted and a good image created with briefest description. 'Drowse-addled' - I really like this, but wonder what a child would make of it. 'working the weariness' - don't think you need 'the' - working weariness flows more easily. Liked the description of Dio. I felt a little bombarded by all the names cropping up. Paragraph beginning 'Sprawled beneath the walls of the palace...' You are describing the city nestled around and about the palace and suddenly revert to a scene inside it eg: 'its snaking corridors etc. I found this confusing and had to read again to make sure I had read correctly. Good description of Cassius - love the nail varnish. Ditto for Brutus - particularly liked 'awe-inspiring margin'. Not sure if children will understand some of the language used eg: 'de facto'. The chapter is rather long to hold a child's interest, combined with the content I'm wondering if this work would be better suited to young adults who would lap up the gung-ho/comedic portrayal of the theives. Chapter 2 - No-name. Really good descriptive first paragraph. 'Now what is a Mage you ask?' 'A Mage is, of course, a magician.' I thought 'of course' was unnecessary. In my opinion it implies the reader is stupid not to know. A pointed wizard's hat is hackneyed and completely stereo-typical. Perhaps consider a hat with a broad brim, and let the reader decide what form it takes. Other than that No-name is intriguing and his character is developed very well. One thing struck me, he's very naive for a magician, though his seeming innocence is very endearing. Golden ticket - Willy Wonkerish. You have a good imagination so should have no problem thinking of something to fit a much prized ticket. A lot of narration in this chapter, which I liked very much. It wasn't intrusive and didn't detract from what was happening to No-Name, Tom and Rosie, and the voice used in the prose had a friendly tone. Overall: I haven't bothered with punctuation or grammar on the basis, I'm not so hot and there are lots of very generous people on the site who can help if needed. Some very good descriptions of characters and places. In the main the prose flowed well, though as I have mentioned before, in my opinion the chapters are too long for younger children and some of the language would be much better suited to young adults. Hard to say how the story will develop with only two chapter read, though with such an inventive author, it will be worthwhile coming back to read more. For the moment - starred. Nanty - Chrys!

CHIRG James, read just a few chapters of your book and i was very confused as to what kind of book i was looking at. Are you aiming for satire/comedy or a mix of the two? The rhythm seems disjointed and out of sync. i was thinking it would read more like BORED OF THE RINGS but it doesn't. the story arc seems well constructed and thought out as do the characters i've met so far. (although you maj is such a rip off of roger from american dad) i've starred you highly as i think it is a tweaking issue OR it could just be me! :) diane

CHIRG/YARG Review: James, finally got around to having a read of Tamria. Honourable villains, excellent start, the sort of group I'd expect to find in a Terry Pratchett novel. Greedy rich and humble poor, brilliant! I love 'a hundred sweating pairs of lawless hands.' Equally like 'the hairy nose of the queen.' You build some good suspense straight off; something which other children's books I've read (on authonomy) have sorely lacked. I immediately want to know what the object is, and why the Brotherhood are planning to steal it. Nice description of Dio and his unfathomably dirty hands. Fantastic description of the endless vista and Imperial Palace. Those are fautless paragraphs, with tight, perfectly worded sentences. I would change 'I'll think about those later' to 'I'll think about it later.' The focus is on the mission, whereas Coren's doubts about it are superflous. I love the description of Brutus, even if it does seem a little unfair. You have a natural flair for not only dialogue, but characterisation within dialogue. It makes everything that's spoken between the Brothers seem totally believable. Of course, that comes with a suspension of disbelief, but I really like Dio's character so far. ' . . . a Very Serious Undertaking,' brilliant! As aburd as it might seem, following your deft descirption of Boss Bacchus, I'm now thinking of Oliver Twist. Specifically, the band of pick-pocketing thieves. Other than that, I don't have much to add. The events of the kidnap are set up well, but somehow I don't expect it'll go according to plan. I can't see any reason why this wouldn't appeal to children. I do think you need to jump straight into some action with chapter two. I'll reserve judgment as I don't have time to read on right now. Otherwise, a very polised start! Ben - Franky Frog's Worldwide Travelogue

After reading through chapter three, I can tell that you have a vivid imagination. It is not difficult for a very visually oriented person such as myself to see what you are describing. However, children's stories are not my favorite or even appealing to me, so I fail when trying to understand and judge their effectiveness when reading them. I was easily confused and found my self back tracking to understand the why of what what happening. The narrator speaks in the first person too often and so I am not comfortable with where I. as a reader, am in relation to the others in the story. What is my position in watching this story as it develops in my mind's eye? There is a lot to see as I read and I like it when I understand it. For some reason I expected that the Brotherhood was traveling to a destination of high altitude so when we ended up on the coast, I had to go back to find out why I was misunderstanding that part. I am certain that you have a good audience for your story, I'm just not one of them.

oh my, you can't leave us there! That was a surprise ending and real cliff-hanger: the production of all the doll-like No-Names by Kuella and Queen Beruthia! no, no...you can't end with that! I'll just have to read the sequel! This is an imaginative, creative, unique fantasy-action-adventure! Immediately likeable were the Robin Hoods: the Brotherhood of Thieves with Boss Bacchus, the leader; Coren Fairweather from Elyssia, the real hero of the story; Cassius-the born thief; Brutus, huge and dumb; Dio, the youngest and a leader until the end; and the twins, Flynn and Finn. How clever to put a mysterious note to their plot to kidnap the Princess by having a "Lord Cedric" offering them money only to reveal later in the story that he was the Princess' duplicitous Uncle to whom she wanted to flee. Also an inventive twist of plot was when Gustav and No Name, who stops the guards, jump on the airship. Now, you had the Princess Aloria, and all her friends together and supporting her in the many adventures that awaited them! Marvelous character development! Even fat Queen Beruthia and her co-villian wicked Kueller were full-bodied personalities. But my favorite characters were No-Name (the Mace) and Coren and Aloria. This is a funny and adorable, fast-paced, action-packed fantasy - thoroughly delightful. Your dialogue is just so natural and authentic. The only suggestion that I have is that your chapters are a bit long and highly detailed for children although they are appropiate for older adolescents. Other than that, your book is a masterpiece of a fantasy. You are a gifted and talented writer and I hope you find a lot of success with this trilogy and then go on to write many more! blessings, Pat

oh my, you can't leave us there! That was a surprise ending and real cliff-hanger: the production of all the doll-like No-Names by Kuella and Queen Beruthia! no, no...you can't end with that! I'll just have to read the sequel! This is an imaginative, creative, unique fantasy-action-adventure! Immediately likeable were the Robin Hoods: the Brotherhood of Thieves with Boss Bacchus, the leader; Coren Fairweather from Elyssia, the real hero of the story; Cassius-the born thief; Brutus, huge and dumb; Dio, the youngest and a leader until the end; and the twins, Flynn and Finn. How clever to put a mysterious note to their plot to kidnap the Princess by having a "Lord Cedric" offering them money only to reveal later in the story that he was the Princess' duplicitous Uncle to whom she wanted to flee. Also an inventive twist of plot was when Gustav and No Name, who stops the guards, jump on the airship. Now, you had the Princess Aloria, and all her friends together and supporting her in the many adventures that awaited them! Marvelous character development! Even fat Queen Beruthia and her co-villian wicked Kueller were full-bodied personalities. But my favorite characters were No-Name (the Mace) and Coren and Aloria. This is a funny and adorable, fast-paced, action-packed fantasy - thoroughly delightful. Your dialogue is just so natural and authentic. The only suggestion that I have is that your chapters are a bit long and highly detailed for children although they are appropiate for older adolescents. Other than that, your book is a masterpiece of a fantasy. You are a gifted and talented writer and I hope you find a lot of success with this trilogy and then go on to write many more! blessings, Pat

Hey, just popping by; you need to delete chapter 2 and reupload it; it is getting the an error occurred message. Chapter one is much smoother than before, good work, much more interesting and tense. Chapter three I'm torn on -- in basics, it is good, but there is more telling vs showing than I think is absolutely necessary and the POV isn't deep enough when dealing with the Royals. I'm not certain if this is intentional, though. But, Chapter 1 just needs a few out-loud readings and smoothing out any sections that are hard to speak out and I think it is good to give the wilds a test. Let me know when you get chapter 2 reuploaded and I'll take another peek at it.

Commenting on your newly edited first three chapters! I really like your new opening - it does work better than starting with dialogue. I like the paradox of 'honourable villains'. You do a good job of introducing backstory gradually and I see a definite improvement in the flow of the writing overall - which is something, as I really enjoyed it the first time around! The new chapter arrangement works well - I like how you introduce No-Name in the second chapter now , as I think he's the character most likely to be a favourite with young readers! I'm afraid in-depth editing isn't my strong point (and I can't remember all the little details that have changed) but I don't see any stylistic problems with this. Best of luck submitting to agents and publishers - I'm in the middle of doing this with my book right now so I know how exactly how it feels! I'll continue to read and comment on the next few chapters - this is one of my favourite fantasy stories on the site, and I think it has the potential to be a great success! Emma

Dear James, I am so happy I came back for another look at 'Tamria'. Wow! This is amazing writing. I know I loved it the first time around, and I have no idea how you managed to improve on what I already thought was wonderful. This is really great writing. You are truly a gifted storyteller. I especially loved the little things which seemed to set this story apart for others of its kind. The use of italics to set off Coren's thoughts really worked well (ie: "How did I get into this?" and "Will he ever let that drop?"). You truly give the reader a glimpse of Coren's thoughts, and I really love that. The dialect was also superb, and that is no easy task! (ie: "assumin' " and "we was jus' messin' round wi' you, is all"). Many times I find myself getting lost in unfamiliar dialect, but you have masterfully carried this. Wonderfully done. I think Tamria has "big screen" written all over it. A magical, adventurous, marvelously written piece. I'm recommending this to my hubby (a teacher) for reading and shelving. He will LOVE this, too! All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Dear James, I am so happy I came back for another look at 'Tamria'. Wow! This is amazing writing. I know I loved it the first time around, and I have no idea how you managed to improve on what I already thought was wonderful. This is really great writing. You are truly a gifted storyteller. I especially loved the little things which seemed to set this story apart for others of its kind. The use of italics to set off Coren's thoughts really worked well (ie: "How did I get into this?" and "Will he ever let that drop?"). You truly give the reader a glimpse of Coren's thoughts, and I really love that. The dialect was also superb, and that is no easy task! (ie: "assumin' " and "we was jus' messin' round wi' you, is all"). Many times I find myself getting lost in unfamiliar dialect, but you have masterfully carried this. Wonderfully done. I think Tamria has "big screen" written all over it. A magical, adventurous, marvelously written piece. I'm recommending this to my hubby (a teacher) for reading and shelving. He will LOVE this, too! All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Greetings! As requested, here is your thorough, brutal, scathing and honest critique of epic line-edit proportion. Please put your trays in upright position and buckle up! First two paragraphs: I’m intrigued by your first line. However, consider swapping out respected or respectable for honorable instead. You’re saying the exact same thing twice and it really just didn’t work for me. Also, you do this again in the next paragraph. “They were known as the Brotherhood of Thieves.” We don’t need to be told thieving is their trade. It is plain to see in their name. You can also trim out the first line of the third paragraph; unnecessary. You want your opening to have as much bam! As possible. I think this is a much, much better opening, and done in a fairy tale sort of way, but you need to tighten this. I think there is still too much purple prose here that is redundant. Get to the point, stick to the point, write clearly and concisely. You can flower it up after we get to the good stuff. One important thing of note, while this is an interesting start, it is a very, very passive start. The passive voice can work, but you might be courting danger here. Especially if you keep it passive past the first two or three paragraphs. Paragraph three, you could easily scrap. You’re telling here. Show us their character by showing us *the characters*. We’ll learn they aren’t cruel, they don’t like violence, and they respect the area around them through their actions. This is a big info dump, and while the first two paragraphs work, I think you need to get immediately into the story in the third. Get right behind the main character and start the action. You had me intrigued in concept for the first two paragraphs and lost me on the third. Just too passive in general. For example, you could *show* us this in dialogue and action: Boss Bacchus, their founder and organiser, called what they did wealth redistribution. Their victims called it theft and burglary. The Brothers, who did the actual thieving, called it fair game. Have them coming off of a heist and one of the new recruits make a comment about how they are thieves. Have Boss Bacchus, in as dignified a manner as possible, state they were in the business of wealth redistribution, not theft. This will remove the passive nature of the text and show us instead of tell us. You start off with 484 words of passive voice and exposition/info dump. I’m convinced you can cut this down to *maybe* 50 words. If that. Start the story with the story. You’re a better writer than that. You do not need to rely on info dumps and exposition to set up your world, your thieves, and your characters. “Oi! Coren! Get a move on, will ya? We’re nearly there.” – this would be an excellent starting point. Just feed us the above information, line by line, in small amounts only when necessary. This will make for a more intriguing, stronger read, in my opinion. Cut one or the other sentences; they mean the same thing: At first, his surroundings were unfamiliar. For a drowse-addled moment he wondered where he was. Note: Here he was, a vagabond, a street-urchin, a thief – of respectable pedigree but a thief nonetheless – on his way to an inescapable rendezvous, party to a plot to steal from the royal family. – This is exactly what I’m talking about in regards to slipping in tidbits of worldbuilding information. You’re also revisiting what you just spent 500 words telling us in the passive-voice info dump above this point. Consider switching the paragraph order of these: Nobody spoke for a while. There didn’t seem a need to say anything. It was enough just to enjoy the view. Coren guessed they were about fifteen hundred feet up, and their perspective gave them a peerless view of the world. An endless vista spread below, unblemished by cloud or mist. The sea shone to the east, sweeping mountains reared to the west. A verdant country nestled between, rich with the hues of summer, humming with the labours of harvest. You have us enjoying the view but we don’t know what the view is yet. This is reaction before action, where you want action then reaction. I think it would read more naturally if you included an ‘and’ before twisting here: Sprawled beneath the Palace was the city of Arcadia, a dense wilderness of low rooftops, crowded houses, twisting, clotted streets. Missing a quotation mark: ‘And you have? said Coren. Personal preference, but I think it would read a little smoother if you inserted a comma between Brothers and he here: Like all the Brothers he was an orphan. Personal Note: I’m a little put off by your accents, and some of them don’t make much sense to me. It’s triggered a gloss-over-dialogue response a bit. Coren stifled a smile (he was always amused by Brutus’s exceptional dimness), but deep down he felt sorry for the great big lug. Cut the ( ) section; it really comes across as a cop-out. We get that Coren is somewhat amused by Brutus’s dimness, so it isn’t necessary, and it is blatant telling versus showing. I don’t like the section around here: And as for Coren… Well, it might be said that he was the most normal of the boys; and at fifteen he was probably the most sensible and level-headed. Fairweather was not his real surname, but one his friends had bestowed upon him because of his positive outlook. If Brutus’s asset was his strength, and Dio’s was his wit, and Cassius’s was cunning and finesse, the quality that Coren brought to the team was common sense. My reasoning for this is that it is telling and it is in the passive voice. Compared to the stronger sections before, this could be removed and fed as single-line tidbits as needed – if needed. I don’t think it is necessary. You should be able to show this to us through the actions of the characters, not through telling it. Otherwise, this is a much, much stronger improvement than the versions you had up previously. You’ve obviously worked your tail off on this – good work. A little more, and I think you’ll have a super-strong start to your book. On to Chapter Two… You start with the passive voice and another info dump. There are books that this works in, but it just isn’t hitting the mark for me. There is humor, but it isn’t enough for me to want to get back to the story you’ve abandoned for info dump. Start it right at where the story continues. Feed us this as tidbits. You did it quite well in the first chapter. You don’t need to rely on these little crutches. Also, the shift to first/second person just drove me right up a wall. Don’t break the 4th wall. Please don’t break the 4th wall… Also, the lead POV here is nebulous. It seems to shift between Bacchus and Coren. I would clean this up; this chapter isn’t nearly as strong as the first one. Dive right into the conversation, get right into the action, and dig right into the conflict. Set up who the POV character is solidly from the start and stick with it, I think this will notably up the general quality of the second chapter. Once you settle into actually telling the story, it goes much smoother. Nit pick: Consider exchanging ‘this’ for ‘it’, since you set the subject in the previous sentence. This just doesn’t flow right for me. : Most of this centered on how they would get the sleeping princess out of the Palace and into the airship without anyone in the crowd noticing. Other than that, watch for the same generals I mentioned in chapter 1’s section, and I think you’ll be able to whip chapter 2 into shape easily enough. It isn’t far off, I just think the beginning needs a lot of rethinking. You’re relying on a lot of telling to get your story off the ground. On to Chapter Three… The first paragraph I like. It is a good description, but… after the hopes of it diving right in are extinguished, you break the 4th wall again and go into another info dump. You can show us these things as a part of the actual story. Just tell us the story. Worldbuilding is important, but you’re not telling us a story; you’re telling us about all of the time and effort you put into the world. In a real situation, I’d be skipping all of this to get back to the story. Which is exactly what I’m going to do here. (I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I don’t think either one of us want to beat the dead horse much more.) This chapter is baffling me. You’re swaying between past and present tenses here. I think you should stick with one tense type; it’s a lot easier (and enjoyable) to read, in my opinion. This is just personal preference of course, but I’m really not liking this chapter as much as the previous two. (Did I mention this is, in general, a huge improvement over the previous versions? It really is.) A little later in the chapter, you do end up settling on third present. I’m not a fan of it, but I can cope. I do think you need to keep to one POV type and tense, though. It would be a lot easier and much less disconcerting. While it isn’t a deal breaker, it does test my patience a bit. Some notes about the section starting with this line: And so it was that No-Name found himself drawn, quite by accident, into his very first Adventure. I think I would really like this line if you jumped right back into the active voice. A line, a single paragraph, maybe the rare two of this voice is interesting. It adds flavor. More, and it becomes just another info dump. I think you need to treat it like boiling water: carefully, and at arm’s length. Once again, you could easily feed these lines in later or, even better, *show* it to us as No-Name goes around with Tom and Rosie. The 3rd chapter has interesting premise material, but I really think the execution needs a little polish. If it were a book I purchased, I’d likely be doing a full skim of all sections with this character as a lead, because I just didn’t find it as enjoyable as the first two chapters. That said, the tension of the basic events was good, so if you can bring the basic quality and immediacy up to par with the first two chapters, I think you’ll have a very strong introduction for an agent or publisher. You’ve really put in a great deal of work on this piece, and it *really* shows. You’re almost at the point where you’re balancing the exposition in the text, so I think it’ll be spot on when you can break your desire to have info dumps at the start of each chapter. Less telling, more showing, and I think this piece will be golden. Hope my comments help – good luck with your submitting to agents & publishers. ~RJ

My friend recommended this book to me (away from Authonomy) and I can see why. Fast paced and amusing fantasy. It has a lovely quality and feel to it that seems to be missing from today's fantasy. I see you've labelled it as YA/Children - but I do think adults would enjoy this - Tom Holt / Gaiman lovers especially. Nice job, thank you. Highly starred and WL'd for more and shelf rotation

I can't seem to find the comment I'm sure I left last time, but here I am again commenting on the first six chapters. Your characterisation is great; I like the way you show the differences between the members of the Brotherhood. And I absolutely adore No-Name (and I'm sure young readers will also!). I disagree with the comments that say you should be showing more, rather than telling - although this is only my opinion (and I can't deny that I'm often guilty of including too much backstory in my own writing!), I think that this style works for the story you are telling. Whilst arguably, you could move certain background information to later in the story so as not to tell us too much at once, I think that this kind of narrative voice is perfect for young readers. Having the narrator as almost a character in the story, giving important information about the Brotherhood and the Mage, for instance, is better than dropping the information in casually as it ensures that readers will remember it - and it isn't at all boring to read. Your writing is polished and the narrative flows beautifully. The dialogue is great, and your descriptions of the settings immerse the reader in the world you've created. The action-packed plot and appealing characters will doubtless keep young readers turning the pages. I've given this six stars and will be back to read more shortly! Your book definitely deserves more support, and is on the reserve for my bookshelf as soon as I can make room! Emma

~Tamria by James A. Gravil~ TAMRIA is a great adventure story filled with beautifully written and vivid descriptions! As promised, here are a few pointers I hope will help during the next edit. I’ll also comment on the next chapter too. I wish you every success with the wonderful TAMRIA, James! It’s such a fun, escapist story perfect for this summer! Iman xxx Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners CHAPTER 1: ● On his way to an inescapable rendezvous[,] party to [a] plot to steal from the royal family. (no need for comma or ‘a’ here) ● They planned to whisk it out under [the] cover of excitement... (you can add ‘the’ here?) ● Even with just a few people inside it felt crowded[,] and the ceiling was low.. (no need for comma here) ● With a [disobedient] flame-red shock of hair... (‘disobedient’ isn’t really needed here; without it, ‘unfathomably dirty’ would perhaps have more impact?) ● ...preparations for the [Q]ueen’s festival (people’s titles normally start with a capital letter) ● ...snatch the [P]rincess and pull of the heist. ● He had a [large] face oafish face and a lopsided smile. (you don’t need the words ‘dumb’ and ‘happy’ here) ● ...but one his friends had bestowed upon him[,] because of his positive outlook (not need for comma here)

Tamria:  This has taken me too long to get back to! I find it difficult to be summarily effusive with any book, but this one I might be: it is such a sweet, lovely book. This is quite close to the perfect fairy tale: it's fun, it's funny, and it's just really, really enjoyable. It's extremely difficult for me to find anything to critique, and I hope I won't repeat anything said previously. Overall, I would say your greatest strength is characterisation. Once again, I am astounded by your ability to give individual voices to each character: from their posture and behaviour, to the character's dialogue - from accent to vocabulary - varies based on each character. It makes each character more believable, and gives me a better overall picture.  Anyway, here are some thoughts:  "Many in the audience..." this sentence is quite long and has a lot of commas. You may want to reconsider the wording in order to keep the flow. I absolutely love "restless avarice" - it feels beautiful to read. That said, it's a bit too synonymous with greed, isn't it? Might be better to switch greed up for something.  I'm not sure.  The Hippopotamus Queen indeed!  Couldn't find anything with the rest of the chapter. More to come soon (I hope!)  Ellie

I liked this from the very first sentence. It's very original and fresh, and even the short pitch seemed to work well, as it gave very little away but also gave me enough to want to read on. I love that the reader is plunged straight into the thieves' plan- within three or four paragraphs we know where they are going and what they are doing, which certainly encouraged me to read on. Your composed writing style immediately made everything clear and easy to follow. I can tell you've really spent a lot of time and care on this and your writing permeates with quality and control. I love the names! Very original and unique, and also unique as a mix- sometimes fantasy writers who create all new worlds have too many made up names that sound too much alike, but yours are a fun mix of real, Latin and imagined names. After reading the first chapter a second time I though maybe it's just a shade too long. It's a bit hypocritical of me to say because I'm guilty of it as well, and I know its difficult to keep the first chapter short because you want to get started with the story straight away. But maybe if there was just a little bit you could cut it would help. As I said before, I liked that you very quickly informed the reader what the thieves were planning and where they were going- I loved it, in fact. But then after that there was possibility a little too much back-story- an agent told me once that any significant back-story should be left out 'til as late as possible, or at least dripped in. Again, I'm a little guilty of this as well in my own writing, but maybe you could drip-feed in information about the thieves, the Brothers and the conspiracy in smaller bits, instead of one chunk near the beginning. I'd also say the same with the characters- we get a lot of character descriptions, both physical and personal, very quickly. Maybe you could space them out over the first couple of chapters to give the reader more time to digest them? They were the only things that really slowed the first chapter down, which otherwise was a very engaging read, particularly with how polished and composed your writing style is, which has all the qualities a children's/Young Adult author needs. I'm going to WL this and read on, so I will comment again I'm sure. All the best with it, Jordan.

Tamria: Book One These are some overall thoughts, which is the advantage of having someone read the whole story. There are too many comparisons between the members of the Brotherhood. You return to who is taller, stronger, thicker, quicker, more attractive or older too often. Brutus was big and thick, Cass is clever and successful with girls, Bacchus is firm but caring, Dio is little but cunning and Coren is, as he should be for your MC, a mixture of many of these things. I knew these things about them from the beginning and I think you have to have more faith that the reader will remember. Just the odd reminder of Brutus’ slow speech will help us remember which one he is, for example. Also, you’ve even named some of them to help us to remember - Brute, again, being the most obvious and the matching twins’ names. You have well-thought out characters who behave consistently in a way that is appropriate for who they are. Trust this! The story is relatively simple, and for me the highlights are the parts with the airship in the square and everything to do with No-Name. I think the simplicity is good - you basically have a kidnap gone wrong, then a crash and an escape out of the forest. Alongside this, you have the more complex plot associated with the Queen’s plans and the people working with her. There’s a fairly good balance to this, except I wonder if something more interesting ought to happen to the stricken Brotherhood after the crash. If it were mine, I would consider instead of an attack by wolves and trolls, having members of the Queen’s guard take Aloria from the crash site. Or at least, have the reader wonder if that might be possible. I know this wouldn’t fit at the moment, somehow they would have had to get from the palace to the forest in time to snatch her. But by changing the enemy too many times, I feel it loses focus. There’s trees, spiders, wolves and trolls at least in that forest. We’re suspicious of Gustav, the innkeeper and even No-Name sometimes, too. You’ll know by now that really I wanted a more central female character, and now I’ve read the whole thing, I guess I still would. Aloria isn’t too bad, but she is often Coren’s love interest and someone who needs saving. The Queen is an unattractive glutton who is unhappy with herself. I worry her character is “fat, mean woman” and Aloria’s is “fairly willing love interest.” A lot of the boys and men have more going on. Of the two genderless characters, you refer to both as more male than female. I like that they are without gender, but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on the story. If No-Name met another Mage and fell in love…well, then you’d be examining something a bit more developed. This stuff might not concern you at all but I can’t help but notice. I understand that other stories written in the same kind of genre have predominately male characters too, but why would you want to emulate that? What I really like, however, is the sheer scope and ambition of the work. Great choices you made were to use an airship, to have the reader not know in the beginning that the Brotherhood were stealing a person, the invention of your own mystical being in No-Name and Kueller to an extent, too. The humour carries on right until the end and I can’t fault your consistency in keeping your characters absolutely who they are. I hope I’ve been useful. Thank you for never making me feel like I couldn’t post exactly what I thought. Lucy

Tamria: Book One This is bittersweet, James. I’ve enjoyed my time with the Brotherhood more than I thought I would after my initial inadequate reading. Ch 25 The moment they started talking about who was going down the well first, I knew what Coren was up to! Naughty boys. Again, this makes it more YA than kids but I think that’s where you’re going with it anyway. Did you make up between the paint and the window dressing? I haven’t heard it before. If it’s a Tamria original, maybe it should suit Coren’s background more. He’s not the window dressing type, I don’t think. I like it, though but maybe not for Coren. “Annoying as No-Name was…” This sentence tells us something we’ve been told about the way the others feel about No-Name quite a few times already. “…Bacchus had taught him, as a child of four or five; and that lesson…” The comma after “him” is confusing. Also, for semi-colons, I only use them when the second half of the sentence illuminates the first in some way. I’m not saying your use is wrong, but you do seem to have a lot of them. If you showed Coren the way out of the hypothetical labyrinth, it’s not surprising he would be able to escape it, surely? I like the capitals for Big Secret. “something perverted..” My only hesitation about this is that perverted is used so often to mean in a sexual way that it’s almost the only thing you can think of when you see the word. That and maybe justice. I like the way you’ve used it, but maybe because of the connotations it might seem a bit strong? That’s quite an ending! So, we have a factory full of, shall I say, dolls. This explains the little guy’s origins, at least in part. But - what of the rest of the Brotherhood? And what is planned for the other Mages? It is a cliff-hanger, you’re right! Lucy

Ch 24 Sorry I didn’t get to this yesterday. I’ve got plenty of time today and I didn’t want to rush through it. “Gustav had gotten used to…” I associate “gotten” with US English, although I daresay it was originally a Brit thing. There’s nothing wrong with it but “had got used to…” would work equally as well. “he felt…(he thought)…” Since he already feels it, he doesn’t need to think it as well. I like Coren’s defense that he robs from authority. “..acting very strange” Again, I think this needs to be made a proper adverb. This is sort of the theme of our swap, isn’t it? Strange describes the way he acts, so it ought to be “strangely.” Although it is in direct speech, so perhaps doesn’t need to be. Coren repeats his instruction that Gustav should take the right side and meet in fifteen minutes. It’s fine if it’s deliberate, of course. Just thought I’d say. I’m not sure about Coren having to “surmount” a “first step.” Surmount sounds like getting over something very big, and a step seems very small. I like that there’s “lots of him.” The paragraph “Sometimes the only way..” seems to mostly give the same information as the paragraph above it. “the two children looked similar.” We understand this from what goes before it. This well is rather mysterious! I feel like I’m getting closer to No-Name now. How can there only be a chapter left?! Lucy

Tamria Thank you for your latest on my moon nonsense. We're getting close to the end now... Ch 23 “The song has several…” Maybe “The song had several..” if the others have now been forgotten? “and had he known it she had taken singing lessons from the age of eight.” This would be true whether Coren knew it or not. I see what you mean now. A very old crackpot astronomer. Now where’ve I seen that before? I guess Arthur and Cornelius aren’t the only ones, either. Hmmm. Here’s me thinking I’m all original. I like the way Aloria, I mean Lu, describes the location of the opera house. There’s something good about writing it out, it adds a sort of reality to their conversation. “Oh, he’s harmless. He’s harmless, though.” Why does Aloria say this twice? She might as well say something slightly different the second time. Not much to pick-up on in this short chapter. I like the way you’ve put a lot of important information in speech between Coren and Aloria. For me, this works better than the stream of consciousness thing. More to follow… Luce

James, Your characterizations stand out, the villain with the golden heart, the sexless mage, the fun-loving thieves, all primed for adventure. Coren is a sympathetic protagonist whose POV is a delight to follow around as he encounters setbacks he has to figure his way through. Your casual, conversational narrative is easy to digest, your dialogue witty and well-placed. Thank you so much for the fun read. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean

CHIRG Review for TAMRIA: James, I am here for the return read/review, and have happily finished through Chapter 5. Overall, the story begins (for me) complicated with many characters with unusual names to be introduced. I think you conquered this well, a difficult task. For a children's story, I found all the very different names a bit hard to follow in Ch. 1. As the book goes on, characters are certainly made more clear...but it took me a couple of chapters to get into the enjoyment of the characters from Ch. 1. Once I got past Chapter 2, the world becomes a truly magical place...and it draws me in. The ease of the story begins, allowing the reader to effortlessly become a part of it. I love the introduction of the Mage. This creature could easily become the next big THING in children's toys! I love the description and that it's a magical creature and therefore Mage is the perfect word to call it. All of the boys in the brotherhood...typical group of boys...all with perfectly placed characters that meld together nicely. Brutus has become my favorite so far. You have given him an appropriate name and he certainly lives up to it, big muscle-type...but not much going on upstairs. You mention he usually screws up the mission some-how...or almost does. This character brings a good opportunity to make the child reader laugh. Here are some things I picked up on: Ch. 1. Suggestion: 'Halfway along the corrider on the right side (starboard side)'. *Leave out 'aeronauts use the same terms.....' It just feels too wordy and unnecessary. Just a suggestion. Ch. 2. I wonder if there might be other ways you could fill in for the name 'Bacchus' in certain sentences. I feel as though I am reading the name over and over again. Bacchus is described in such detail and I have the impression of him being a hard, no-nonsense, type boss. But, then the boys end of picking on his and speaking back to him...with no real sense of consequence. I like the banter between the boys and Bacchus. So, just wondering, if in the beginning of the chapter..whether to make Bacchus less of an abusive sounding leader?? Don't know....just how I am reading it perhaps. It's also a good way of showing that boys will be boys...regardless of consequence. So, I do like that part. Is the 2nd to last sentence incomplete? '......before he quaffed his.' Am I reading this wrong? Ch. 3 - Should age of Reason be (cap) Age? I love ho Ch. 3 becomes a friendly tone as if you are really speaking now...to the reader. 'Now...what is a Mage, you ask?' I love this! The part where Tom and Rosie are talking about the ladder: '....and it take (s?) two (to?) carry this thing.' 'And so it was that No-Name found himself......(a?) Adventure' Should adventure be lower case 'a'? 'The mage climbed down slowly, trembling (not tremblingly - again suggestion)...' 'This (is?) where we climb up,' said Tom. Ch. 5 Aloria!!!! Love the name. PERFECT for the princess...and for the story. Just her name tells us so much about her. Great! End chapter 5...very good. '....he inched forward.' Love this and a great page turner for Ch. 6! Great job and wonderful writing James. I am giving this high stars and when room presents...will place on the shelf. ~ David The Life Inside Maggie Pincus

TAMRIA This is a different than usual children’s story. No shining knight in armor here; a group of thieves instead. Coren is a good main character; he stands out from the group not just because he’s introduced first, but because he seems smarter than the rest. I like the way you have the crew review their plans through conversation; much more interesting than if you’d just revealed those by Coren thinking about them. A small thing: I was confused in the second paragraph because Coren was in a ship up in the air; maybe say from the beginning he’s in an airship. Also, if your audience is children as well as young adults, I wonder if you’d checked the reading level of this (you can do that in Word or several websites). Just a thought, because a phrase such as “inescapable rendezvous” reads well, but I wonder it’s the right level of vocabulary for a children’s book. Either way, I like this a lot. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

CHIRG Review: Tamria Pacing is done well getting quickly into the story Your character development is good, I think some editors may think it would need to develop faster. This is obviously well edited. In chapter 1 The Brothers follow a code which forbade, cruelty,violence,intimidation or vandalism.( i would end the sentence here. you don't want to be saying or again. Anything that might stain their name. This is wonderfully written and i intend to read more and critique further. JJ Marro

Tamria: Book One I’m nearing the end now, and the foursome seem to be out of danger. I’m pretty confident there’s more to come, however. Ch 22 Gustav says the locals are tolerable but irritating. Those things seem a bit at odds although not massively. “plastered limp” This ought to be “plastered limply.” Taking off the “ly” ending doesn’t stop it being an adverb. It’s still the way it’s plastered. “horrible scar across his chest” This is something I mentioned about an earlier chapter, but Coren is remarkably fast to heal if the wound has become a scar since last night. “(and parts beyond)” I don’t know if this belongs in a children’s book. YA, yes. I have “bloody” and “bitch” in mine, though, and your story is probably too complicated for most children under eleven or so. I’m thinking of it being in CHIRG, I guess. “horses’ feet” You could swap feet for hooves, maybe? They are feet, so I’m not saying you’re wrong. The descriptions of Oakdale are great, and of the incoming storm at the beginning of the chapter. I like “the affable tone of innkeepers everywhere.” There’s a very small head-hop into the mind of the innkeeper, “He had seen some funny folk..etc” I don’t know if this is a problem for you but you’re consistently first-rate at avoiding it. I like that the currency is gold. “eighty-five gold.” Don’t be adding “coins” or some nonsense! I really like the Goldilocks inspired ending to this chapter. Lu

Tamria : Book one Ch 21 “Figuratively, and literally.” For me, this over-explains just a little bit. I like the way you’ve put both kinds of wounds together and I think it’s clear enough that Coren doesn’t want to open either. When people talk about “opening wounds” they nearly always mean the figurative kind but it does automatically bring to mind the physical. Sorry, I do go on. You know what I mean. “unveiled moon” is lovely. Must. Not. Steal. It. “No-Name was nowhere…” I love stuff like this. Perfect alliteration. “But this was safe and easy land.” That sort of thinking is bound to cause trouble in a story like this! Another Mage - and an evil one! I like that in the previous chapter this idea was touched on. You introduced us to the possibility of more Mages and then fulfilled it. More to follow, and I’m properly enjoying the story. Lucy

I see you've made some changes, and for the better, in my opinion. It flows better and the exposition of the brotherhood is more coherent and better established. ... on his way to an inescapable rendezvous, party to a plot to steal from the royal family. I still find the above sentence a little awkward and a bit of a tongue twister. Just a thought, but perhaps you can rephrase it: ... on his way to an inescapable rendezvous with a party who were plotting to steal from the royal family. While it is an improvement, for me, the story really begins with the action when we are introduced to Coren. The exposition of the brotherhood is all 'telling' as opposed to 'showing'. The brotherhood is vital to the story, so I want to see how people perceive them and not hear about it. The opening information on the brotherhood doesn't leave a lasting impression because I can't picture it. It'd good to tell instead of show in certain instances, but with something as important as the Brotherhood, showing us that they are respected and how they behave will give me more of a mental image than me being told about what their values are and how people see them. Showing instead of telling allows me to connect more with both the story and the characters. Anyway, I'm still really enjoying the story and the characters. The improvement is evident. Alecia :)

Tamria : Book One Ch 19 “Although they had left the crash of Tarantella” Maybe could do with “site”? “to offer much in the way of meat.” Fussy but it could read “to offer much meat.” “for his own person.” is a bit awkward but I can see why you haven’t used “himself.” Just “him”? “The two men had grown a grudging respect…” I think you need to decide if Coren etc are men or boys. I think it would be confusing for children. At fifteen, Coren is a boy. Man and boy are not synonyms; I wondered who the other man was, before realising you must mean Coren. Also, you sometimes call Aloria a woman. “to impress himself on Aloria” I don’t know what that means. “less success with women than he…” Should be “than him” because Brutus is the subject (Brutus is the “only Brother”). “had never seen one, less still one in bloom” Less than never isn’t easy to imagine. You have “less still attempt to romance her” soon after, which is too many “less still”s close together. “But that unleashed the paradox of where he had learned to talk.” It’s not really a paradox, more a question. There is quite a lot of background information after this point, but I see the importance of it in terms of building up a picture of the political situation. I couldn’t find any problems in it. Ch 20 “full-sised” is a typo, I think. “literally be like…” In what way is it “literally” like it? This is a very short chapter and I didn’t find anything else. No-Name continues to be lovely and the developing relationship between Coren and Aloria adds another dimension. Lucy

Tamria :Book One You’re right - this is one hell of a chapter! The best one yet. Ch 18 Love “the colour of moonlight.” Will you notice if I steal it for Arthur? “that he did not like people asking about him.” Do you mean “about it”? The thing on his shoulder, I mean? Or maybe he doesn’t like being asked about him himself, in which case, as you were! Gustav is also a tall, camp man. If one or both prove to be gay, I’ll be very pleased. If not, I’m going to pretend they are for my own amusement. Not sure about “glacial” and “world of ice” in the same sentence. Glacial is wonderful, though. “instead of turned him into a frog.” Just a typo - turning. I’m not sure about Siamese twins. They’re not from Siam, of course (because it doesn‘t exist anymore and also because your book isn‘t set in our world). The condition isn’t called this now. The condition is conjoined twins. I don’t like seeing dwarves in fantasy books either, so you can consider I’m a PC fool if you like. “conjoined in the foetus” might be better as either “conjoined as foetuses” or “conjoined in the womb.” Also, part of the condition is not necessarily being separated shortly after birth. That might be the case for this pair but it does not describe the condition. Some live their lives joined. I like the way the twins speak. I think I’ve noticed a reference to another fantasy character at last! Something from Star Wars? Kueller is great, and the revelation that he might be responsible for No-Name is good too. Really enjoyed this chapter, James. More to follow… Lucy

I found this to be a charming story. The characters are likable, especially Dio. While there were some punctuation and grammtical errors, it was otherwise well written. It's a good start to what promises to be a wild adventure. I noticed a few things I thought I'd mention Chapter One: Then he remembered. In his bed, in the Tarantella, a thousand feet up, on his way to Arcadia to see the Imperial Palace. There was a bit of disruption in the flow between these two sentences. The sentence beginning ‘In his bed’ isn’t an independent clause so it can’t stand on its own. I would either merge the sentences or rephrase the second sentence. Example 1: Then he remembered: in his bed, the Tarantella, a thousand feet up, on his way to Arcadia to see the Imperial Palace. Example 2: Then he remembered. He was in his bed – the Tarantella – a thousand feet up, on his way to Arcadia to see the Imperial Palace. Here he was(:) a vagabond, a street-urchin, a thief – of respectable degree, but a thief nonetheless – on his way to an inescapable rendezvous, party to a plot to steal from the Royal family. This sentence structure here is a little awkward. The colon seemed misplaced here. When you started with ‘Here he was’, I didn’t get a sense of what was to follow, so it seemed a little odd and somewhat intrusive when the colon popped up. Just my opinion, of course. I would rephrase the last part of the sentence so it flows more smoothly and with more clarity. ... right under the steely eye of the Palace Guard(,) and the hairy nose of Queen Beruthia herself! The comma isn’t needed, so I would delete it. ‘All right, Dio. I hear you,’ Coren mumbled. His mouth was still dry, his eyes (were) bleary from sleep. Delete the word ‘were’. Don't use commas to separate two independent clauses if there is no conjunction between them. Coren’s room was a long narrow cabin, with little space in any direction, at the aft of the airship. Use of comma and order of words. Perhaps: Coren’s room was a long narrow cabin at the aft of the airship with little space in any direction. The ship creaked with endless movement(,) and shuddered whenever ... Delete the comma. Coren followed him into the hallway(,) where Cass and Brute were waiting. Delete the comma. Just a little tighening in places is all it needs. Thanks for the read. Alecia :)

YARG Review I really liked the premise of the story, a gang of Dickensian-like thieves with Robin Hood tendencies. The idea that a princess is to be snatched intrigued me from the start and made me ask myself questions about how and why this would take place. You have created a brilliant story world full of details that bring it to life and I could really imagine everything you described. Your dialogue is well done, realistic and convincing. I particularly like the way you use the argument between Bachus, Brutus and Coren to flesh out their characters, showing that Brutus could be sensitive at times. The characters all have very individual voices and traits so I could easily distinguish between them. The mage is a fascinating character and the way you introduced him made me sympathize with him greatly. I look forward to finding out more about this strange character with no name! I really love your writing style and think you have a lot of talent. I look forward to reading more. Kirstie The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

Tamria Back for more, and I (almost) promise not to count anything. Ch 16 “If Coren had known it…” Then what? It’s the same shape of land whether he knows it or not. I like the detail of the massive bones. Makes us wonder what else might be lurking. “had less hate for them” could be “hated them less”. Not major though, really. “than in the girl herself.” Could be cut, if you wanted. “heaps of rocks and bones that he could toss around..” You could cut “that.” “upon Dio.” They’re not up on him, so I’d use just “on.” “She was surprisingly light, even for him.” Her weight doesn’t vary depending who picks her up so I think if you added “to lift” or “to carry” or whatever it might make it clearer. The sunshine turning up is nice. It’s good to link back to something you mentioned early and hope we’ve half forgotten it. I like the “Dio was dead.” repetition and that the boys loved each other. You dispatch him imaginatively, rather than just having him being eaten. Ch 17 It’s great to be back with the queen and I really like the line about being filled with cream and smothered with chocolate. “this had always been her intent.” Should it be intention? I’m not sure, though. I like your attention to detail with changing Gustav’s name every time the queen thinks about it. I couldn’t find anything else here. You know I’ll have tried. I think you have some sentences with a few commas in them but none of them are hard to read. Lucy

I just finished the first chapter, it was beautifully written and a great start to the book! I can't wait to read more :) highly starred!

Tamria: I like the atmosphere built, I can clearly get the feeling of a colorful, good-natured crew. There are many good characters, each with an identifying mark, like Fairweather's level-headedness and Cassius' manicured hands. There is a good balance between dialogue and description. For a suggestion: You have chosen a very challenging story to tell, because there are many similar ones already written. That's not bad. All stories have already been written. The challenge is to open up the book in a way that makes it clear to the reader that there is something in this book that you can't get anywhere else. So far, though I've enjoyed Chapter 1, I haven't found that spark of uniqueness. I know it' s going to be in the story later, but is there a way to bring it to the first chapter?

Tamria James - you won’t have failed to notice that we have rather different styles! I’m going to keep my UK “towards” and “grey” etc, and you, I’m sure, will keep your extra “s” to indicate the possessive after words like “Brutus”. I think the arm-breaking, although perhaps fitting in terms of a disciplinarian fatherly type, would cause some of the boys permanent disablement and pain. A black eye and a roughing-up wouldn’t. Why would Bacchus want to risk injuring his lads permanently? I don’t mind the violence, I just don’t think it makes sense. We’ll have to find a way to get along anyway! Thank you for your latest comments and your epic adverb hunt. Ch 14 It isn’t usual to put commas in front of “but”. Likewise, “and”, “though”, “because” and “although”. They work as pauses in a sentence in themselves. Here, you could have “They were all startled by this change in Coren’s behaviour but they didn’t question it…” and it would read fine. Commas slow things down in a way that isn’t always necessary. Having said that, you use them all the time so I won’t keep pointing it out. It’s probably one of those things we’re going to differ on. “ill-education baboon.” Rather than the other kind, who’ve had plenty? Four commas in “As it was…” Perhaps we should stop counting things in each other’s work? It seems to have become a bit of a habit… I hardly ever do it for anyone else. Does one “contract” a headache? I’ve never heard that - it’s not infectious. I didn’t understand “(The wrong foot.)” Why would Coren think it might be better to start wrong instead of right? What’s a pale sense of humour? Do you mean like slight or vague? Emphasising is the UK version, but I don’t know if you mind. The only important thing is to be consistent, and I think you always use the US “z” versions. “to whom an insult was a compliment.” The reader understands this without it needing to be said. The “Thank you” is an unlikely enough answer, so we’re clear about why he says it. Ch 15 The first sentence might as well be “Coren, Gustav and No-Name were ready to leave.” “…Cass wasn’t much bigger than he.” Should be “him” because Cass is the subject of this part of the sentence not Coren. How can you be skilled with your looks? Gifted or blessed maybe? You can’t be good at looks. Fistfight is one word. “But there was nothing..” The semi-colon isn’t needed here. Again, it’s puncutation in front of “and” which isn’t typical. It’s only a short sentence anyway. “…to talk about that again.” Needs a question mark because it’s part of Coren’s request. “scrawny rat” doesn’t need the speech marks round it. This (and the villainous rogue) are things he is sensing anyway, so are indirectly his thoughts. That’s it for this chapter, not much. I’ll try not to make the same points over and over for each chapter. I guess if you agree with something you’ll change it all the way through and if not, you won’t! Plenty of good stuff in here, I’m only not listing all the bits I like for the sake of not filling your comments section up with my drivel. Lucy

Hey, I liked the first chapter. It was an easy read, and this is the kind of story I love. But, I am here to try and offer some feedback, so... Okay. You begin with dialogue, and although i find nothing wrong with that myself, I have been warned in the past that this isn't the best way to start a story. Apparently it doesn't grab the reader's attention as much as a nice piece of lovely, or gripping description. Just something to consider. When you say, "he rubbed the tiredness from his eyes, and looked about." I would have went with looked around. It sounds better. "At first the surroundings were unfamiliar," I would say, "At first his surroundings" "of respectable pedigree but a thief nonetheless" i would have a comma before "but". I think it would be easier read. "whose worth was beyond a mountain of treasure." i liked this. "The rocking was not unlike" I would have said "the rocking was similar to the motion endured on a sea voyage" I liked this, and do believe it could be a good story. I enjoy your writing style, though i do think your pitch is a little short, and could be expanded upon to entice more readers. I'm going to back and rate you. CHeers.

I'm here to return the read of Shadow Jumper and a YIRG/CHIRG review! I seem to remember reading the first chapter before. Did you upload and then take it off again? Anyway, here are my comments. I have read the first three chapters so far. I love the fact that you get straight into what the story is about - we know where the mc is heading and why (I assume he is the mc or at least one of them!). Just one nitpick for this chapter: 'conspirators', comma should go after. The dialogue you have between the characters is impressive and believable. It introduces the characters' personalities well. Ch 2 - Dio is scared of heights but they travel in an airship, so is he afraid of being in that? It may be good to mention it. Ch 3 - so here you start using first person and addressing the reader. Not sure about this technique, but I have not read on so don't know how the story continues and whether it works. Overall, I like this and you have obviously worked hard on to perfect it. I will place on my WL and return to read more. In the meantime, highly starred and I wish you well with it. Julia Shadow Jumper

Tamria:Book One This is quite a revealing chapter. The boys are in deeper than they thought. Ch 12 Question mark needed at the end of the speech in the first paragraph. “Cassius the mercenary” might be better with “the mercenary” in commas. “by no means a certain” Probably should be “a certainty”? “ray of hope” Maybe a cliché? “God only knew…” You have God here, and sometimes Hell gets a mention but otherwise we seem to be in an entirely made-up fantasy world. It might seem a bit inconsistent. From “We‘re in a bit of a pickle, aren‘t we, lads“ to “Even if your name is Coren Fairweather.” nobody speaks and nothing happens. It’s a very long description of their situation (which we already know to be bleak), with only the slight shift in viewpoints (The part where Cassius explains indirectly why they shouldn’t allow themselves to be caught) to break it up. Some of it could easily be direct speech, and how they feel about the situation could also be talked about. Someone could go to the front of the airship and find it missing, rather than you just telling us it’s gone. It’s not that it’s boring information but we already know some of it and the rest is given by you as a narrator rather than us watching or hearing the characters experience it. “But Coren’s mind was still undecided.” What other part of him could be undecided? Since this is a book for children, refering to eighteen year olds as “lads” might be confusing. A fifteen year old is also a bit of a push. “six feet long” Not six foot long? “wittingly, knowingly, deliberately,” You could just use one. Ch 13 “the other man” Or are they boys? Bacchus breaking the boys arms is a bit hard to take. It’s very violent. Such disabling injuries wouldn’t do the group much good. Broken bones don’t always heal quickly or sometimes at all. There’s a touch of Fagan about Bacchus but he’s too brutal - he broke the arms of twelve year olds! “Five or ten or twenty minutes later” This chapter starts with people having difficulty judging time, and the previous one ended in the same way. Now it’s here again. You’ve had commonsense and common sense. From “Who was this man” to “As it happened” there is just a long stream of consciousness. Much of it, again, we already know. It’s more about how bad the situation is and how ill-equipped Coren is. “It would be better for Tamria..” Again, here’s a sentence with both a colon and a semi-colon. “came to visit your house” Does Coren know what this is like? “Certainly not he.” Should be “him.” “Dawn in less than an hour.” What a good way to end the chapter. Coren is going to have an unlikely ally and I didn’t see that coming. Lucy

Tamria: Ok, I've been meaning to get to this for a while. A thief of respectable pedigree. Great start. There's a certain poetry to the way you're writing, I've noticed. Very beautiful "and the hairy nose of Queen Beruthia herself" - its tiny details like this that make a book great.  I love the rag-tag band of Brothers, and your distinct characterisation of each. In particular, I think you've done a great job giving a lilt to the accents (by using the apostrophe's etc.) - I can actually HEAR how their voices sound. It's actually the first time I've seen it here on authonomy, and I'm wondering why that is now! I also love that each character speaks differently: i.e. Cassius does not use the same lilt as Dio or Brutus, and Coren feels like he's got his own voice as well (well, I'm gathering he's a fairly important character, so that would be helpful!) This kind of attention to detail in characterisation, I find, supremely impressive.  I've gone through the first 3 chapters, and I could only find three thoughts that I didn't see mentioned below - and they're totally take-it-or-leave-it, so not really crits at all. In chapter 1: " The Brothers followed a Code, which forbade cruelty" - just a tiny thing, I'm not convinced you need a comma after Code. I also noticed that you put words in single quotes a lot (ie: 'wealth redistribution,' 'later,' 'a natural,' 'normal.') it's a stylistic thing, but I find it a little bit distracting, like someone's holding up two fingers and saying it in a different voice. Again - it might be just your style, and less mine, so take it or leave it :) In chapter 2/3: I'm not sure how I feel about breaking the fourth wall here. I just don't feel it's necessary, and it confused me a little.  Overall, this is avery well-written, very worthwhile read. I'll give Tamria six easy stars, and find some space on my WL Ellie Paragon

Hello there, read thru part of it and so far I like it. You have a unique wrtting style. The caracters are well constructed. Good Luck!

Tamria And some more… Ch 11 “Although the flies…” I’m not certain this is a complete sentence. Why although? Also, “Which was proving useful to the boys..” is a strange way to start a sentence. “This was proving useful..” would be better. “after a minute or two, of lovingly petting the arachnid” Doesn’t need a comma. This paragraph, the one starting “Spi-der” doesn’t have the speech on separate lines. “and their situation would have been hopeless” Hopeless as well as being killed? You’d think being killed would cover the hopelessness bit. “within ten metres of it..” Usually you use imperial. In case you miss it, this one ought to match up. “No-name was in as great a terror as the boys…” You can’t really have a colon and two semi-colons in the same sentence - as well as eight commas - none of which are used to separate items in a list. “looking genuinely sorry.” Maybe “genuinely full of remorse” or similar to lose the repeat of “sorry.” “Coren had often wondered..” There’s a space before this that shouldn’t be there. I like the way this chapter is book ended by Coren trying to think positively, but ultimately failing. It gives the chapter a nice structure. Lucy

Tamria I’m trying to catch up! The airship has crash-landed in a twisted forest and it looks like they might be helped again by the Mage. Ch 9 “on its last gasps.” I think the ship was a she, wasn’t it? Maybe it wasn’t - it could be though! Personification through giving it a gender would help with the “gasp” part, and later on you have something similar where it breathes. “madly careering horse…” Horses don’t really get drunk, so you’ve got a simile within a simile. You’re sort of saying…like a horse which is like it’s drunk. Since this kind of comparison in writing is meant to illuminate, it might be better to use the image of something that really happens. The image of the stone skimming is lovely, but would be better earlier before the ship is tangled in the branches. A skimmed stone moves smoothly and regularly. “there was nothing they could do…” and then you list five things they could do. None of them helpful, but still things. “capture or express” Choose one. “physically thrown” Instead of what other kind of thrown? “wordsmiths who lack the imagination…” If you want to risk using something like this then you’d better be sure that every simile and metaphor you use in the book is absolutely fresh. I wouldn’t be confident enough in my own to make such a claim! I really like the wobbled and wibbled part. “suddenly heard a noise”. Or did he hear a sudden noise? “less-than-delectable” Did he try to eat them, then? “like an eight-year old girl…” Not child? Don’t forget to think of your girl readers all the time. Some of them will be pretty tough… Ch 10 “at any rate” Do you need this? “pathless realm” is good. “Not to mention plenty of…” Lots of commas and clauses in this sentence. The next sentence is even more full of them. And also, “They were almost indistinguishable..” has many commas and a semi-colon. “as been spat out” is great. But why “or congealed” after wards. Something being spat out is fast and unwanted, something congealed has become thicker slowly. I think they are too different to describe the same thing. “spiteful, foul, malicious, crooked, evil language..” You know what I’m going to say! “which was unlikely..” It’s strange to say something is unlikely if it is the actual situation. It could “seem unlikely“. “funny, little, magical dwarf thing.” Rather than a big dwarf? “as a matter of fact” Unnecessary. “because no amount of heat can destroy metal” It would melt it though, wouldn’t it? Ah, I like to see No-name back. He’s so nice. Lucy

CHIRG Review Chap 1 -I like that you get straight into the story. You write with a clear, snappy pace that is very engaging. Dio is a 'likeable rogue' type character who I think children will relate to well. I like the idea of Bacchus redistributing his stolen goods - the Robin Hood of Tamria. You dialogue works well and your choice of words give the story an old-fashioned feel. Chap 2 - A typo 'Bacchus was a collector and A (a) connoisseur ...' I like the camaraderie between the characters. They complement one another nicely. Chap 3 - A typo - ' ... several thousand tickets. m(M)any of these ...' Typo ( Imay be wrong here) 'The tickets are twenty-five gold each' Gold what? I love the description of the Mage. Very imaginative! Your story is full of great ideas and you are building a wonderful fantasy land for the adventures of the Brotherhood. Will be back to read more when I have time. Top stars for a top story. I wish you all the very best with it. Debbie

Tamria: Book One Thank you for your latest comments. Chapter 8 “One thing puzzled him…” There’s a repeat of “scorched” in this paragraph. I’m a fan of repetition, I think it can add a roundness and a balance in writing but only when you make something of it, if you see what I mean. Gustav knows he’s on the ship so I’m not sure why he thinks the kidnappers have got away with Aloria. They’ve kind of kidnapped him, too, albeit accidently. You have a stray apostrophe after “mind” in the sentence “In his mind he recalled..” Now I think about it, it’s impossible to recall something anywhere but in one’s mind, so I’d miss off the start of this sentence anyway. “full foot shorter than he..” I’d prefer “full foot shorter than him” because Coren is the subject of the sentence, not Gustav. “crouched at the waist..” I don’t know what this looks like. There’s crouching or bending at the waist. “Gustav worked his jaw around…” In this paragraph you use “fire” twice but slightly differently - once to mean pain and once to mean enthusiasm in fighting. Even with a gauntlet, it’s hard to see how Gustav’s fist could really be bigger than Coren’s head. “The creature is the queerest thing…” This is quite a long sentence which you might want to look at. It’s unusual to put a comma in front of “and” (or “but” for that matter). When it’s so many times in a row, I’d guess some of them want to come out. “…to speak of” To me, this means something like “hardly any” but you’re using it (I think) to mean no one ever got out of the forest to be able to speak about it. I’m not certain which you mean, though. “bent, distorted, misshapen” All mean pretty much the same thing. “SHUT UP!” This last sentence I’d get rid of, and leave it on what Cassius says, because it’s funny. Good chapter; the Brothers have got themselves quite a situation. Looking forward to No-name’s reappearance, of course. Lucy

Tamria Ch 7 The soldiers are fleeing even though the airship has now taken off. I’m not sure what they are afraid of anymore. Is the deck inside the airship? I know you described it but I can’t remember. Later it seems like it isn’t, but I thought airships were a big balloon with space only inside. “Then suddenly…” In this sentence (a whole paragraph) you have seven commas and two colons. I think it contains two sub-clauses although I’m not sure - most of the commas separate the list but it’s still hard to read. Again, some of the verbs seem virtually synonymous. I’d write “Then suddenly his eye caught a movement. There Dio was; a tuft of red hair on a tiny figure which could barely be seen among the hundreds milling around him. He snaked and darted towards the stage.” “wild snake” Do you mean instead of a pet one, or one which is particularly wildly behaved? Also, you have “snaking” just before which brings to mind the image of snakes too. Ropes as snakes isn’t an original metaphor, I don’t think. Fumbling and fumble are close together but done by different characters. You have “fumble, slip” and you could just use one. Also “tighten, squeeze” and you could just use one. “Five white-knuckled seconds later…” I don’t know about “seconds”. It’s too accurate and misses an opportunity to write something less cold. Moments, heartbeats, breaths, feet risen… “dear life” is a cliché. How can something be strewn insensibly? Aren’t the bodies themselves insensible? The description of the state of the bodies is another example of describing and then re-describing, especially the “It was a barbaric sight” at the end. Also, a sight can’t be barbaric. “had a few scars…” They wouldn’t be scars yet, surely? Large, tremendous and ear-splitting to describe something which is inherently loud. A bang. The sentence which includes them contains multiple commas and clauses. “with devastating…impact.” Doesn’t quite make sense. One set of commas, with a clause, then another set, making another clause, makes a sentence hard to read. Like that! Blundered appears quite a lot. Really, weren’t they just unlucky the princess was gone when they got there? But it helped them too, because she was willing. And what’s she doing at the moment? Brits don’t use “toward” I don’t think, unless it’s “untoward.” I can’t think of a sentence where I wouldn’t use “towards” instead. I like the weaker smile but still dealing with weighty matters contrast, but it loses something having “because he was tired” in the middle of it. The boys use “ass” not “arse” so maybe Elyssia is in the US somewhere, afterall… “about the same age” as who? I wish I knew what Tamria was and why the ship is called Tarantella. You must know these things, but like the story surrounding the finding of baby Aloria, they haven’t made it onto the page. I know I’ve just listed a load of crits, but I am enjoying the story too… Lucy

Chapter 4 ->As the royal pair emerged onto the balcony {+comma} the hush was drowned... ->braying trumpets, piping flutes, solemn trumpets. //Could you chose another instrument for one of the repeated trumpets?// ->Balloons swarmed up in motley colours... // "Balloons swarmed up in motley colours. Besides the stage, a bank of fireworks hissed and erupted."// ->The approbation went on for several unbroken minutes... // Makes more sense as "The approbation went on unbroken for several minutes, with..." // ->Finally the party organisers.... //I'd rewrite that sentence as... "Seeing that the audience was losing patience, the party ORGANISERS finally relented and skipped the last few items on the list, to jump ahead to the main event.// ->With another shattering fanfare{+comma} the fireworks - provided by the crew of the Tarantella - were ushered onto the stage. -> finding foot- and handholds // though I'd phrase it as... "... deftly feeling his was among the twigs and leaves for foot- and handholds."// ->A handkerchief he had also... //He also had a handkerchief..// reads better.. ->slap the substance on the girl's mouth... //I'm imagining it's similar to chloroform then it would be better applied to the nose, not mouth. It's easy to avoid breathing through the mouth, but it's natural to inhale through the nose. ->Coren waited until Dio had a good lead... //You painted Coren in considerably pale light compared to Dio when it comes to climbing.. "... not as swift or confident... a plodder.." These two paragraphs contradict those statements, quite profoundly... you're practically singing his praises. Dio just paled in comparison. ->Sir Gustav{comma} the princess' bodyguard{comma} was attentive... ->Like many people{comma} Aloria had ... ->The princess was sitting to the left of the ... //The Princess was sitting on a high throne to the left of the queen, at the front of the balcony overlooking the Square. She/they had a matchless view of the entire crowd as well the fireworks.// ->She had come to the party modestly dressed, wearing a... // She had come to the party modestly dressed, in a white satin frock with no jewels or.... // ->(Her mother had insisted on her wearing this, and almost forced her... ) //If she's wearing it, doesn't that mean her mother succeeded in getting her to do so? Makes the second part of the sentence irrelevant. Unless you meant .. "... and almost had to force her to put it on."// ->Her chestnut hair was brushed... // Her chestnut hair was brushed in straight flowing locks that fell halfway to her waist, and bound in a red ribbon at the nape of her neck. This was the only frill she had." ->Every single one of her fingers ... //Every single one of her fat fingers, and all her thumbs were covered in three rings each. A few seemed to jostle for position and attention while many where stuck there for good. // These paragraphs make a very excellent description of the Queen. The more I read, the more I feel sorry for her... There's a lot of contempt in those words, not just a statement of fact :D ->When travelling about the kingdom or paying visits to other countries{comma} a small army of .. ->Gustav seems rather incompetent... and unfit. Any soldier in these times is trained to such fitness that they can handle the weight of their armour through hours of battle. He's only been jogging around for a few minutes. So, his claim that he's fit is to me, a delusion :D ->The floors were marble, so polished that the high ceiling was reflected in them, and ... // ...was reflected in them. Pruned and potted trees cuddled either.... // ->The space was huge and echoing, so that ... // The space was so huge and echoing such that when one spoke, even a whisper became a proclamation.// ->Dio seems too greedy to ever lead the gang, despite his skills... I'm betting on Coren. Like u said, he's level-headed :D ->This chapter was largely descriptive, slowed down the pace of the story considerably... Well, depends on the reader. I for one love descriptive fantasy... paint a portrait of your world in words :D

Hey James, Like I said, this was my toughest chapter to edit... first for its different POV at the beginning, but I got used to it as I read on. It was largely lacking in punctuation, specifically commas. Actually went both ways... Besides that, it was an intriguing chapter and I'm curious to see how No-Name fits into all this. Seems rather limited for a Mage btw... didn't even create a spark to light their way, though that would have been a foolish move. :D I may have made a few typos of my own below, but well, sure you'll piece it together. Will take a break before getting to the next one. Chapter 3 -> ...; but for some the real fun was yet to come. --- // for some, the real fun...// ->... and guests one by one admitted to the square. ---// I'd lose the one by one, otherwise it's better as "and guests admitted one by one to the square." hmm, imagining commas before and after 'one by one' ...// ->Several thousand tickets had been put out, and many had paid handsomely for the privilege. // makes it sound like they had paid for the 'privilege' of putting out the tickets. And if you're paying for it, then it's hardly a privilege, unless only a select number of people are allowed to buy tickets. But it being a rare event may make it qualify as such.// ->their outlandishness and above all their bizarre fashion sense. --- //and above all, their bizarre...// ->... in the world of Tamria they are ... // in the world of Tamria, they are...// ->//I guess it's this style of writing that had you classify your book as a children's book. Otherwise, I'd have advised you to stick to following a character's 3rd person POV instead of narrating from a storyteller POV.// ->... is dying out these days, as it is being swept aside... //... dying out these days, being swept aside by better...// Reads better for me.// ->... not more than a few wizards.. // doesn't really specify a number, especially the way it's writer "a few"... either there are few wizards... or "a few"... which could be a few hundred, or thousand.// "There are few wizards in the whole of Tamria now, whereas not long ago, there were hundreds. Not one of them could have compared ... "// ->In a short while Magic will be ... //... short while, Magic will be supplanted altogether, by coal, steam and industry; the rumblings of the Machine Age.// ->...but before I go further I should... //... I go further, I should -> ... and to any person human or otherwise mean --- // this sentence seems to require a lot of commas when I read it... I'd phrase it... "... sounds derogatory and mean to any person, human or otherwise." ->Honestly, this chapter reads very strange to me... kinda like a proper children's story book. Keep expecting illustration.. I think I've only read its like in the Narnia series. The change was sudden and unexpected. Well, will get used to it. :D ->is about four feet tall, and so might easily... //... four feet tall, and might easily be...// ->(Down on your knees, in other words) ... //Shouldn't this be part of the previous sentence? ->He wears cobbled wooden shoes... //Very long sentence. Would cut it in two. "He wears cobbled wooden shoes... buttoned all the way. He dons a thick black coat over his shoulders, a broad belt around the waist with a square brass bruckle, and large clumsy gloves..."// ->This tiny Mage does not speak much, ... //This tiny Mage does not speak much, and tends to stutter when he does.// ->Shy, and not at all given to violence, or to... // ... given to violence, difficult situations or awkward confrontations.// reads better... ->Quite unlike others of his race (in many ways... ) --- //phrase in the brackets doesn't quite fit with the sentence, I'd write it without.. otherwise, "... others of his race (our Mage is unique in many ways, as you will find out), he is all..." // reads better, removes the need for another comma after "ways"// ->For beneath the rim of his hat there is no face ... //... rim of his hat, there is no face to see. Not a hair or flesh... // or mouth seems redundant since the mouth is part of the face. -> There is simply nothing there. There is no face to see. // I'd lose the repetition ... "There is simply nothing there, but for two large eyes: bright green, unblinking, and intensely curious."// ->you often put a comma before a preposition, many I find you could do without... hmm... {If you had asked him how he came by that ticket he ... } "If you had asked him how he came by that ticket, he wouldn't have been able to tell you, nor would he have been able to.... the party or even how he came..."// ->He is simply aware that he like everyone ...// aware that he, like everyone else, is awfully excited.// ->flapping his hands about ineffectively until it has ... // not sure why, but I keep pausing at "ineffectively" .. I'd lose it. -> looking and sounding as if he has just lost the most precious thing to him in the... //... just lost his most precious thing in the whole world.// -> A few minutes later he comes running back... // A few minutes later, he comes running back with pink-faced excitement, the slightly rumpled ticket held aloft like a prize in his hand.// ->No-Name slowly waits his turn, as the ticket line... // comma creates an unnecessary pause. Reads smoother without it.// ->For all he knows No-Name is a child ... //For all he knows, No-Name is a child...// ->for the booth is very tall, and he is very short...// the second part is redundant. We've already been told of his height and the tall booth implies his inadequacy. "No-Name stands on his toes to reach up the tall booth, and presents his ticket. 'Oh. That's unfortunate,' says the ticket-collector shortly, ..." -> Bur a moment later... //not sure u meant that "bur" since it's part of the narrative & not in dialogue.// ->As far as he can tell there is no one... // .. he can tell, there is no one ...// -> the sound of his own voices, echoing... // his own voice, echoing..// even in echo, it's only one voice. ->But he manages to gather up his courage... // 'but' is used in close succession and set me pausing here... say... "He manages to gather up his courage..."// -> ...he replies, in a sad quiet muffled voice. // seems to require some more commas and only one of quite or muffled. "... in a sad, muffled voice."// ->It also happened that he made his first ever friends too... //split the sentence. "... ever friends too. He was mightily proud and pleased..."// ->or in any city for that matter... // split sentence there. "...for that matter. He had been awed at first and rather frightened by all the strange smells, sounds and sights. Above all, he had been struck by the people: how big they all were, how..."// ->When he first arrived in Arcadia No-Name... // Okay.. the comma issue is rather serious in this chapter :D ... "...in Arcadia, No-Name..."// ->that there were in fact nice people... // there were, in fact, nice people in the world,...// ->downtrodden Dispossessed... // don't know about the capitalisation// -> At one point No-Name stumbled... //At one point, No-Name stumbled in the darkness over what he thought was a bundle of rags, which suddenly stirred from dishevelled slumber, to be a sleeping hag...// ->hollowed and ravaged like a shrivelled-up prune... // ... shrivelled-up prune. There were only two teeth in her mouth, her body was bent and huddled over with age, and she looked not at all pleased to be disturbed.// ->Finally Tom and Rosie lost patience... //Finally, Tom and Rosie...// ->...out of sight, as it finished its... // could lose the comma// ->The pain on the walls was... //"The paint on the walls was peeling and the windows were smashed. There were also gaping holes in the roof and the chimney was broke."// ->The streets huddled up against the feet of the Palace... //...feet of the Palace. There were so dense at that point ....// ->However, to the tiny mage... //However, to the tiny mage, all distances seemed immense. Every second upon the upper rungs gave him a quivering fright. The ladder creaked and ..., for though he weighted almost nothing, it was wooden, old and fairly rotten.// ->and was shivering and shaking all... // keep one of shivering/shaking. "and was shivering all over when his jellied legs compelled him to sit down.// ->and glad to have a firm surface again... // and glad to again have a firm surface beneath his feet.// ->He could hear voices ahead of them... // hear voices ahead: it had been....// Or you could do without that particular phrase... "It had been quiet just a few minutes ago, but now muffled voices and strains of music were whispering through the night air ahead. ->...the emptiness between them an aching chasm... //... an aching chasm. No amount of cajoling from Tom... // ->To No-Name this seemed an even ... // To No-Name, this seemed an even... than the jumping. He shook his head.// ->... because without a ladder he would... // without a ladder, he would...// ->and after many minutes of self-loathing and doubt he made it. // ... self-loathing and doubt, he made it.// ->When at last he stood on the other side he found that it...// on the other side, he found that it...// ->To his surprise it was much less... //To his surprise, it was a much less... he had thought. He was secretly rather pleased with ....// ->If he could crawl he could jump...//... could crawl, he could jump, he thought. Now that he had defeated one set of supposedly invincible obstacles, he was actually eager to tackle another.// ->... or trouble whatsoever; and he ... //... trouble whatsoever. He was so amazed by the ease of it that he jumped straight....// -> To No-Name it was like losing a part... //To No-Name, it was like...// ->More than anything the Mage ... // ... than anything, the Mage...// ->Normally guards would be ... // Normally, guards would... // Or.. "Guards would normally be patrolling the Wall, ...// ->But the Wall was silent tonight... // I'd leave it at that.// ->In each chair a person sat... // A person sat in each chair...// Though it already implies that there aren't any chairs free... "There were only a few empty chairs left as were the guests still trickling in through the West-gate."// the 2nd part (just a trickle now) seems a redundant repetition of "trickling in".// ->Much to Tom and Rosie's ... // ... relief, the part hadn't started yet...// ->'This soft green stuff on the ground feels nice. What is it?' He didn't know what the name for that was. // Well, ya... that's why he asked what it was.// ->In a single file they crept along the Wall... //You've began a lot of sentences in this way in this chapter, but omitted the comma. If you don't wish for the bother, go for the usual style... "They crept along the Wall in a single file..."

Tamria: Book One Did I mention you’ve got a fab front cover? There’s loads I’ve enjoyed here, but again, here’s some close crit. Ch 6 “Hearing his footsteps the girl turned.” I might be tempted to put a comma in this, I’m sure you know where. “…so that her features were revealed.” You could lose this. The moonlight is on her face and Coren recognises her. “Her voice was a whisper…” This sentence is very long. It contains plenty of commas and a semi-colon but I think it could be split. I’m not sure about any of your colons or semi-colons. There are a lot of them and I don’t think you’re consistent about their use. I could revisit the rules, but you probably know what you’re doing! “Now he was…” This is something Coren reflects on later (the part about a spell on his heart) so “now” is a bit odd. When? Then, surely, not now? Is this the first mention of Tamria? Perhaps it isn’t, I can’t remember. I LOVE that Aloria wants to go with them. She also isn’t too bothered that they were going to drug her and carry her off. Along with the airship, this is one of the most original things in your story so far. You’re using the US spellings of recognized and realized. Just saying. Also hollered is pretty American. Maybe you are though. I hadn’t thought of that! I like the “Oh princess..” interruptions. Gustav seems a bit camp to me. Is that deliberate? I do tend to see it everywhere, mind you. “How appalling! Gustav thought!” The thought tag isn’t necessary, or at least it doesn’t need the exclamation mark. “literally came” Instead of figuratively came? But what would that be like? You mean “prostrate” not “prostate.” I like “leaping about the Square.” Putting ‘actors’ like this sort of spoils the joke. It’s her POV, so it can be actors. “dense-packed” Could be simply densely packed. “hither and thither” A bit clichéd? It’d be unusual to see either of them on their own. “had injuries upon them.” Injuries up on them doesn’t mean anything, so I don’t think it does as “upon” either. Just “had injuries” or “were injured” would be simpler. “greedy heat” is nice. I’m pleased to see all the main characters have come together at the end of this chapter. No-name is lovey and I want one. Lucy

Tamria: Book One Chapter 5 I’m pleased to see that this is from Aloria’s POV, and now it makes sense that she will be missing by the time the boys get to her. There’s a repetition of the “or in any event was likely to need.” It appears in the previous chapter, too. I think it’s Coren. Unless there is some reason for the mirroring of their gathering of belongings, which there might be, I’d take it out. “they boiled down to one simple reason.” Change “reason” to “thing” perhaps, to avoid the repetition of reason. Also, are her reasons complicated? You’ve managed to “boil them down” easily enough to just one clear reason. “who came upon a dragon..” This sounds like he found a dragon, not that he was riding it. The sentence starting “Beruthia’s servants…” makes it sound like all of them were stupid or afraid. So how could she have taken care of the ones who weren’t? - there weren’t any! I haven’t seen “wonderingly” before. “like mad rabbits.” I’d just use “like rabbits.” because I don’t really know what a mad one would be like. Do they hop more? How can you tell? “Too much more of this…” How about “Much more of this…”? Subtlety doesn’t need to be in speech marks, or at least not any more than sneaking does. I don’t think a staircase can be weary. I like that Aloria sneaks past the boys, and they think she’s fit. This is a much shorter chapter than the previous one. In fact, I’d suggest splitting Ch 4, somewhere where the POV changes. All good stuff, James! Lucy

Tamria: Book One Right, I’m determined to be as critical as I can be, in the spirit of our swap! There's loads of good stuff here but I'll focus on the close crit. Ch 4 I’ve never heard of anything cascading up. Doesn’t cascade imply down? Does the princess come into her own, or just come of age? I don’t see her coming into her own in the chapter and I don’t really know what it means here. You haven’t put speech marks around the queen’s speech. I guess you’ve used the italics to show some distance - that she’s speaking from the stage? But I still think it needs speech marks. Most people use italics for thought or emphasis. “a taster of what was to come..” A taste of what was to come, is how I’d write this. Bit of a cliché, anyway. Also ear-splitting - I’d like to see something more original. Also “damp squibs” - cliché. Also “par for the course.” “Soon:” The colon could be a comma. I don’t think your semi-colons are always the best punctuation. For example in the sentence “seeing that the audience was losing patience;” I can’t see why this oughtn’t be a comma, to make a sub-clause. “Earth-shattering” Much like ear-splitting, it’s not fresh. Also it’s part of a sentence I’d split down. It seems to contain two clauses, and the last part could easily read “…who were given an introductory ovation as they were brought on stage.” “Those were indeed..” Those is an odd way to refer to people. I’d use “They were indeed…” Quite a lot of space is taken up describing the night and the party, even though you (the narrator) said that wouldn’t happen. All the “magnificent”s and “incandescent”s and “stunning brilliance”s don’t add much more to what you’ve already made clear was an exceptional evening. Words like “zenith” seem too high-register. Why not “peak” or similar? Climax? What is “respectable” about the distance? The sentence starting “As all eyes..” is too long, with too many commas. “thirty metres up..” I know it’s partly my fault, but you’ve got measurements in feet in the short pitch and elsewhere (the window is later 50 feet up). It’s better to be consistent. Using precise measurements like this sometimes takes away the opportunity for more interesting descriptions and comparisons. It’s a bit bland. Coren can’t have thought This was too easy, not in that tense anyway. If you used italics or quotation marks for thoughts and put them in the right tense to be thought at the time - This is too easy, Coren thought - we’d be more in the action. ““You go first,” Coren said” Could be “he said” to avoid the repetition of his name. Neither footholds nor handholds need hyphenating. I suspect we disagree about a lot of these, though! “Coren was not as swift or as confident…” You have a lot of sentences broken up into many clauses, and this is just one of them. “than he to fall.” Should be “than him to fall.” Dio is not the subject of the sentence, but he is the one “to fall.” So him not he. “in an instant:” This is another place where I don’t think you should use a semi-colon. Also the sentence could be split. “Hardly ‘subtle’ but…” No need to put it into inverted commas, it would read the same without. “Coren bantered”. Never seen banter used as a verb in this way before. “reckless” is a funny way to describe hair. Not wrong, exactly, but hard to picture how hair could be reckless. “aloof and distant” Aloof implies distant. “Her chestnut hair…” Another sentence which could be split. The queen had Aloria at 48, which seems unlikely. “left to founder..” Flounder? The entire description of the queen could be considered tell not show. It’s also very long. “None of them did.” Did what? At ease? That doesn’t quite work. If it said “Stand at ease,” it would work okay. This might be explained later, but at the end of Ch 4 that the princess has gone missing before the boys get to her. More to follow… Lucy

You have written this aimed for a specific age, with (an accent) phrases. a Good story. A big book, i have to continuue reading at another time. Good luck.

Chapter 2 ->...successful and hard-working -- //I had pictured them a successful bunch, at what they do ofc... and hard-working if they were to attain aforementioned success. You description of Bacchus in the next paragraph paints him as quite the wealthy fellow with rich taste. So, in that regard, the next line seems inaccurate (... Bacchus was none of those things). ->...never did more than eight of them up, --// It's fine, but it reads better to me as 'never did up more than eight of them'// ->Everywhere he went Old Bacchus laughed, -- // he went, Old Bacchus laughed ...// don't know about the capitalisation of "Old"... not good at those, as you may have noted.// I'd break this up into 2 sentences, with a little edit in the later... 'Everywhere he went, Old Bacchus laughed. His laughter was so infectious that other people would often join...'// ->I honestly don't get it, but there's this whole thing going around that adverbs are dying out in modern writing. The way it sounds, they could be what separates good writing from the rest. Strange though that most published works are full of them lol. But well, I've tried to minimise them to at least one per paragraph, replacing them with better verbs (it's frigging tough but still made my writing better). You got a lot. The way I see it, depends on if the reader has a degree in creative writing. I don't. :D ->Now as they huddled about.... // This is a very long sentence, rather wordy. I'd find a way to cut out the 'old oil-lamp' part into a different sentence. "Now as they huddled about.... sounded much better), they went over their strategy for the final time. An old oil-lamp swung above their heads, casting shadows over their darkened faces.// ->Btw, not sure why they're kidnapping the princess but it doesn't seem to fit their usual MO from what you described in the previous chapter. Don't see how they're gonna give a piece of her to the poor :D ->The Terrible twins were professional burglars.... // "The Terrible twins were professional burglars, two of the best in the business. They looked older that their #insert age# and were more experienced in the dark....// ->The Palace grounds, as no one needed to be told ... // The Palace grounds, as the made made it amply clear, were surrounded by high walls.// Keep one of the "as" sentences; other one is redundant. ->... impossible to scale without a ladder - though... // ...without a ladder. The exception was an area at the back of ... ivy crawled up. // ->One of them had a scar on his right cheek, but Coren kept forgetting which Twin it belonged to. // ...kept forgetting which one. // Seems fine as it is though. ->Make things up as you go along. // I've mentioned before that this seems a redundant repetition, since 'improvise' basically means to 'Make things up as you go along' (just as u wrote it), but well...// ->but on the whole it was not a safe ... // but on the whole, it was not a safe...// ->Ahh...trying to save the princess from the queen.... that explains motive. ->That, obviously, was the real ... // That was obviously the real 'tricky' bit. There were times when 'the plan' was so fraught with unknowns that you could not plan too far ahead. Since this was one of them, Coren and Dio had been told to more or less 'roll with it'. -> Wonder what Bacchus will be doing :D

Hey James, Chapter 1 -> The room he was in was a long narrow cabin, //"His room was a long narrow cabin..." Or "The room was a long narrow cabin.."// Reads better than the "was" in close succession. ->Shafts of light were poking through the ... //Shafts of light pocked through the window to his right...// ->Their names were Cassius, Brutus, and Dio // This one made me pause, despite the correction in the next line, since you'd said they were 5. Counting them off seems to put relevance to the numbers, like they somehow appear in that order: Conspirator 1 - 7. I'd either start with the Terrible twins to remove the contradicting pause, or say "Three were Cassius, Brutus, and Dio. Last came Finn and Flynn, the Terrible Twins, .... Our Chief, Boss Bacchus, had a room of his own." naming him the seventh conspirator seems redundant, we can count.// ->Dio was a rascally imp of a lad, thirteen but rather younger-looking than that, .... // The "two years younger than Coren" part doesn't fit. Seems planted & makes the sentence seem long and wordy. "... thirteen but looked younger, with disobedient flame-red shock..."// ->..., and like the cabin was exceedingly narrow -- // like the cabin, was ex...// ->there was a square panelled window, and Cass.... // panelled window. Cass and Brute were standing...// ->the Sleeping Mountains which were the borders of Arcadia, and enter.... // were the borders of Arcadia. Beyond lay the kingdom of Elyssia.// I'd cut short the use of "and" where I can. Shorter sentences usually read better. ->...queen's festival were in full flow the city looked as frenzied... // ...in full flow, the city looked...// ->Cassius thought of himself as the "intelligent" one of the... //Cassius thought himself the 'intelligent' one of the ...// or fancied himself the 'intelligent'// ->..., and to Coren and his friend that came across ... // ...and his friends, that came across...// ->lady's man... //ladies man// ->Like all brothers he was an orphan. // ...all brothers, he was...// ->From their high angle the milling crowds... //From their high vantage, the milling crowds...// ->... the bigger the party is tonight the easier it ...// ... is tonight, the easier...// ->You can mention Coren's age somewhere at the end when describing his role and such. I think I was not qualified to comment on your work the first time around, so bloody green :D Hope this was helpful. You already know my thoughts on it's quality. We'll see as I read deeper. Edwin - The First Oath

Tamria:Book One I’m back, James. Any friend of Cara’s…And you do have a pretty cool book! I’ve been thinking about your short pitch, and my best suggestion would be something like “Magic, intrigue, heroism and humour. 30,000 feet up.” Just to lose the “Children’s adventure” bit? Ch3 I love that it’s well past tea-time. Much better than giving a dull o’clock. I like any sentence starting “So it was…” Reminds me of other children’s books, in a good way. Are you sure we won’t have heard of a Mage? If this is a children’s book, would they have to be on their knees to look into the face of someone four foot tall? You say later that a nine-year old boy is hardly any taller than he is. Stammer and stutter are synonyms - stutter is the US choice, although pretty prevalent in the UK too. “which are very clumsy and frequently causing him much trouble.” To make this make sense, you have to read “which are frequently causing him much trouble.” and that’s a bit odd. Did he lose a fake ticket? Or did the boy switch it with a fake when he went to fetch it for him? “No-name’s legs guessed” Ah, lovely. “more bright” Could be “brighter”. He is able to think the word “aplomb” but doesn’t know words like moon and fireworks? I think you could leave the name of the airship out. We can guess which it is! The word “little” occurs many times in this chapter. I like the Mage’s character a lot, especially that he wants everyone to be nice. Quite right too! This whole chapter, introducing him and the Adventure (I like the capital) is entirely enjoyable. Lucy

{Tamria: Book One} The Mastermind, Chapter 18 James, I just finished with my read of Chapter 18 and I especially, especially liked the characters Tatl and Tael! :) Very nice names and concepts for characters and I was highly amused! I also liked your description of Beruthia and the actual name of her character! I also liked Kueller a lot and especially liked the way you described him in the beginning of the chapter, introducing the character to us! You know I love my description and I think you used just the right amount with Kueller, giving us a great image of him in my mind. My one crit for the chapter is that, with Kueller being the main bad character in your book, I would have liked to see his personality and auora portayed a little more darkly. I like really enjoyed the chapter though and you know the characters better than me so maybe that's a mute point. Tamria is certainly an entertaining fantasy story and I always enjoy my return! I'll start when I return at where I left off before and continue onward. Have a wonderful day! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

I'll respect your wishes not to shelve this book but i would like to ask you not to give it up for a lost cause. You have reached a respectable rank and should be proud of that. You have a good strong start and it is well written. I'll watchlist this and keep you posted as the plot progresses. The only thing i would say is that I've been told that you should be wary of starting a chapter with a character waking up. i have done it in my own book and it has been pointed out to me that editors don't like it. Other than that you've done a good job.

This is a beautifully written book just like the cover that drew me to read it. Full of wild imagination and characters coming to life at every turn a most enjoyable read. Karen, Faking it in France. PS I really miss M&S High * x

CHIRG Here for our reading swap. Thanks for your comments on Mr Unusually. Lovely, lyrical prose here, with a well imagined world, described beautifully. No nits really, though the pace is a little slow in places and perhaps you introduced too many characters at once. 5 stars from me. Well done, all the best, Sharda.

Tamria: Book One Back for more, James. This will be close crit, since you know I enjoyed your book last time and it‘s better than I remember it. Short pitch - This is a description of your book, not a reason I might read it. Could you pep it up a bit? Especially “Children’s fantasy adventure.” We know what category you’ve put it in - why waste the space telling us again? Long pitch - Much better. I like it. Ragtag and misfits make me want to get stuck (back) in. Ch 1 I like that the book opens with dialogue. A lot of books open with a character waking up, and I can see why. Possibly you could pick another point and see if that would work, just to be different? I like “under cover of excitement..” “They seldom did…” Hmmm, there is a reason we don’t really use airships - the Hindenburg disaster. I know this is fantasy, though, and it‘s a brilliant, original setting but airships are strongly associated with killing people. “turn those doubts aside.” Odd verb choice. Why not “cast” or “put”? “lady’s man”. Only if he is interested in just one lady. Should be “ladies’ man.” You have an ants’ nest and a swarm of ants - how about a different simile for at least one of them? It’s a bit of a cliché anyway, to say people look like ants when you are high up. “met a finer.” Reads strangely, suggest you remove “a” or add “one”. “I am not sure exactly.” Suddenly, you have a voice in the story. It’s surprising since obviously there is no first person character voice. Unless it’s going to be used a lot, I wouldn’t use it once. Ch 2 “of a good” It’s unusual to refer to “goods” in the singular. What you have here makes perfect sense but it’s still difficult to understand. Good is used so commonly the other way, that one sort of expects that that is the meaning here. Suggest “item” or similar instead. I like the capitals of Very Serious Undertaking. Love the pig’s ear stuff. “which Twin it belonged to.” No need for the capital on “twin.” It’s a common noun, not someone’s name. I don’t think I read this chapter before. Overall, the airship stuff is great and the thieves are funny - especially Bacchus. I’m sure you’ve read Benedict’s Princess and The Peach - Bacchus is like his gang leader in lots of ways. Your style is fresh and likeable. I still wish the girl wasn’t sitting waiting to be rescued, particularly if she is going to be unconscious while it is going on and carried by boys. If, in later chapters, it turns out she is somewhat kick-ass, this would be some compensation. Even so, that would seem as though it was just to go against type. Why can’t one of the band of brothers be a girl? Why not half of them? That is what would make me want to stop reading, despite how good the rest of it is. Lucy

You have a very vivid, real, and whimsical way of description. It was my favorite part of reading -phrases like "drowse-addled" or "disobedient flame-red shock of hair," or "gleaming blade thrust into the sky" all create startlingly clear pictures. Your book flows well and all the characters are distinct -important when the introductory characters are all boys! The only thing I noticed was the sentence, "As far as he knew, he had never been outside Elyssia, which was the only home he'd ever known." It seems a little bit redundant and may have just been accidental on your part. I have just finished the first chapters but, after catching up on all my other reading, I am eager to continue! Your book most definitely deserves to be published.

Specific comments on the fifth chapter: 1) "THE PRINCESS!" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words. There is another case of writing in all caps later on in this chapter. 2) 'Gustav felt his chest sag and heave with exhaustion.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his breathing so vividly the reader will experience it along with Gustav. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene. 3) An excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line? I hope these comments help you further polish this chapter. Have a marvelous day, James. Al

Tamria. Book one. This is a an exciting fantasy book for children, packed with adventure. Its written beautifully with wonderful imagery and with great imagination. Thankyou for the most enjoyable read. By the way I didn't take to the Harry Potter books either. Junetee FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Specific comments on the fourth chapter: 1) Consider better scene setting at the beginning of this chapter. Readers seldom read a book straight through. When they pause they usually stop at the end of a chapter. As a result we writers must start each chapter on the assumption that the reader has been away for a while (sometimes for a long while). This means we must reorient the reader at the beginning of each chapter by spelling out who the point of view subject is, where the current scene is taking place and when. 2) 'At this the Square trembled and shook ... ' 'Square' should be lowercase. There are more cases where common nouns are capitalized when they should be lowercase. 3) 'Let the festival BEGIN!' There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of the story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words. There are more cases of writing in all caps. 4) ' ... and both thumbs of her greedy hands was covered in rings, ... ' 'Was' should be 'were.' 5) 'Yes, SIR!' the man saluted, and ... As mentioned above, there is no need to write in all caps. Also, 'the' should be capitalized. The only time a narrative sentence that follows dialogue should start with a lowercase word is when that narrative sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't salute dialogue, 'the ' should be capitalized. 6) 'I know. But since we're here, you know, wouldn't it be a shame to ... ' Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Coren interrupts Dio, an em-dash is appropriate. I hope these comments help you further polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Thank you for your help with "Savannah Oak." Have a marvelous day, James. Al

YARG Read the first two chapters and really like it so far. I've developed affection for poor Brutus already! Sure you noticed this but you have single quote marks instead of doubles throughout. Best, Melissa

I read your first three chapters. General comments: An interesting start. An intriguing ensemble of memorable characters. Clever wit. Good world building. Realistic descriptions. Strong sense of place. Not a lot of tension until the third chapter. Leisurely pacing. Specific comments on the first chapter: 1) 'I'll never get the hang of sleeping on an airship,' he moaned. You can't 'moan' dialogue. Consider replacing 'moaned' with 'complained.' Or, if you want Coren to actually moan after speaking, then put a period after 'airship' and capitalize 'he.' As always, it's your choice. 2) 'I don't know what I was expecting,' Coren shrugged. Period after 'expecting.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can 'shrug' dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period. Specific comments on the second chapter: 1) 'THE QUEEN!' four grinning rascals shouted. There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words. 2) 'That's right,' Bacchus nodded enthusiastically. Period after 'right.' As mentioned above, the only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't 'nod' dialogue the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period. Specific comments on the third chapter: 1) 'Oh,' says No-Name. He is very disappointed. 'He is very disappointed' is telling. Consider showing No-Name's disappointment as realistically as possible. By doing this, you'll draw the reader deeper into your story. 2) 'But there's two of us, right, and it takes two carry this thing, and we need a lookout.' Insert 'to' after 'two.' 3) 'To No-Name it felt like losing a part of himself, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his actual reaction to losing his shoe so vividly the reader will experience it along with No-Name. When you do this, the reader will be plunged deeper into your scene. 4) Excellent end of chapter hook. I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it? Have a marvelous day, James. Al

This reminds me as a cross between Harry Potter and Series of Unfortunate Events. I especially like the idea of an airship. The main thing I like is your characterisations; you sense them all as individual people, giving them personalities and traits, such as Brutus the "thick one" and Dio the outspoken one. Coren especially exudes personality, giving the impression of a courageous but deep down insecure young lad who exhibits more bravado than he actually feels. Your writing is flawless insofar as grammar and spelling are concerned; although I admit to not being a pro in that regard. The only thing I would watch are your adverbs - you don't need them because you write so well. Interesting idea and well written. You should consider entering this into the Chicken House Publishing Competition as the past winners' books were fantasy based. Starred high.

It's late but I made it through the last chapter...Poor Dio! The adventure grows with each chapter. It feels like a Lloyd Alexander read in the best sense. The characters are coming to life! When is the next book coming out?

James, Very unquie style of writing. Coren is a very intresting character. Backed. Look foward to seeing your book at the Ed's Desk. It deserves to be there. Best Wishes, Chipper Newman

Dear James, I took a broad brush approach, taking a chapter from beginning, middle, end. This means you get less informed feedback, I'm afraid, but still, feedback from further on than most read to. I hope it's a little helpful. Chpt 1 Good start. I like the way you drop the hook straight away, but it's a pity you tell us in the pitch that the 'great treasure' is the princess. Your dialogue is snappy, your prose sharp. Chpt 14 "they did not know of Coren and Bacchus’s recon­ciliation" I've not read the lead-up to this, but is this necessary? It feels clunky and I'm assuming that the reader can see they've not had an opportunity to find out about the make-up. "social skills of a particularly ill-educated baboon." nice. Am I meant to be more sympathetic with Gustov? I don't find myself liking Coren very much at all.  Chpt 25 You lose me sometimes in the detail of your description, but that,I think, is a matter of taste on my part, not skill on yours! 'huger'? Finishing is I think, possibly even harder than starting, and deciding where to finish when your story continues is harder still. I do like a good cliff hanger, but I can't put my finger on what's missing here. It could be, that with all the description of the tunnels, I faded out a bit and lost the atmosphere you were building, but I didn't feel the 'dang dang dang!' you were setting out for. Perhaps you need more of a sense of a ticking clock, that the army is mobilising, that war is imminent?  All in all this is well written.  Your characters are plausible, likewise your dialogue and your narrator's voice light and entertaining. You seem to be rising fast, and deserve to :) Lindsay A Priest's Tale

Greetings! I have read through the first four chapters of this, but I admit, I had a hard time getting into it. If I were in a book store, I would have passed it by. The reason for this is two-fold. First, the prologue: I don't like them to begin with, and unless there is something that sets it far apart, it doesn't do anything with me. This prologue felt like it was nothing more than an information dump that was designed specifically to lay out the story so these details didn't have to be sprinkled throughout. When I read, I want to see a world unfold in front of me. In the first four chapters, it really felt like that you were so concerned about the setting and the scene that you forgot the story. The first two chapters didn't have a character. They had people, but they were pluralized, non-emotional things that I'd expect out of a history book. The first thing that popped to mind was one of David Edding's prologues: However, instead of presenting the myth and lore in a way that it read like a child's story, it came across more as a listing of facts. Some of the turns of phrase and descriptions were quite beautifully written, I'll be among the first to admit that. But, it fell short in one key factor: There was no *story* in the first two chapters. Just information. The story started to come out in the third chapter, but I kept getting a feeling that I was supposed to be more interested in the world and the setting than the characters. The ground work is in place for the world, but I really, really feel that it needs to be sprinkled throughout; give me exactly what I need to know not to get confused and let me build your picture-perfect world one bite at a time. I think this would take your writing style and let it become more alive. In the fourth chapter, I noticed you slipped into second *and* first person turns of phrase. This was where I had to stop reading. The story completely lost its impact to me. The reason for this is because you haven't been showing us this world... you've been telling it to me. I want to explore it, I want to get to know it. I want to see what they're doing, but I want you to *show* it to me. Right now, you're telling it to me. If you can shift the telling to be showing, I think that the good underlying structure of this story will seriously take off and become something that can really, really captivate. There are moments where you get past the telling and start showing things -- these were the moments that kept me reading through to the fourth chapter. I hope my comments are useful to you!

I've only read three chapters, but I have to say, this is a delightful read. I will say, for me, the story truly started at chaoter three when we're plunged into the action. I felt as though the opening two chapters were introductions or backstory. The narrative had an air of sarcastic dryness, which I very much liked. So far, I like the characters of Coren and Dio. Very likeable. This is very well written, although I did notice a few places that could do with a little tightening. For example: Chapter 1 "They liked to see themselves as an honourable, respectable class of thief..." Perhaps replacing thief at the end with the plural 'thieves'. "The rest they gave to charity, and donated to worthy causes." The comma isn't necessary. What follows the comma isn't an independent clause, which renders the comma irrelevant. Chapter 3 ‘There it is,’ Dio said, pointing excitedly. Adverbs aren't a favourite among agents and publishers. What follows this sentence already describes Dio's mood, so 'excitedly' isn't needed. It doesn't show us how he feels, it just tells us how he feels. The sentence that follows it is a more visual portrayal. So far, this is an enjoyable read. Alecia :)

{Tamria: Book One} A Very Special Day - revamped James, Ok :) so I lied! I'm back to comment now! Ah!!! Air ships!!! I absolutely love that about your book! There is no place else I can go on this site that I can go to enjoy reading about airships, and I am natrually drawn to anything that has anything to do with flight! I also thought that you did an excellent job in this chapter with having strong description but not having too much. I really enjoyed the re-read and am anxious to read the rest of your work! I believe that I left off with chapter 5 last time and so it will take just a little reading to arrive at fresh story but I am looking forward to it. I think that the edits you made here benefited your work and I am looking forward to seeing how your editing benefitted your work in the future chapters! If I had one crit it would be that you wrote "air-bags" at one point and that made me think of car "air-bags." Maybe if you wrote "bags of air" that would work better? Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for all your help in editing! I'll be back soon to read and comment more! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity

{Tamria: Book One} Prologue - revamped James, I've just finished with the new Prologue and really enjoyed it. You do a great job here of letting us know what we need to know about the beginning of the story without bogging it down with fluff / purple prose. I get a good sense of these bandits (although I recall them well from my first read) :) and I am pulled in right off the bat with the mention of their unusual plan to kidnap the princess. I also love the cover {which I know Cara's brother created for you} and you've done a good job with your pitches here as well! I do have to say that I miss your orrigional first chapter, the one which described the baby in the river and reminded me of Moses' story, but I can see why you've gone with this Prologue for your opening instead. You also know that I am a description hound and would love some of your old description back! But most of the readers in the world arn't description hounds like me. You have a wonderful story here and this Prologue is well written, informative and a great lead in to Tamria! Have a fantastic day and thank you so so so much for your help in editing The Ark of Humanity! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity P.s. I'll be reading Chapter 1 now and probably leaving my comment when I have more time with my computer later tonight!

you write with great pace, seting up your tale with great effect. backed... read SEASONS...

James, There is a melodic cadence to your prose, very visual, the dialogue used sparingly. I was drawn in and captivated as scene after scene unfolded like rich tapestry adorned with tantalizing images. "Tamria: Book One" has all the qualities of an epic, Coren the brigand interacting well with the beautiful Aloria whom he's snatched from the clutches of the evil queen. Such a premise rich with possibilities paves the way for sequels to offer those whose appetities have been whetted by book one. Thanks for the entertainiing read. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean

YARG Hi James, Well, this is a great read! It’s a beautifully polished, beautifully crafted, well-paced tale, and you’ve built up the world and the characters masterfully. I’ve read through the first four chapters and noted a few things for you – mainly typos. Ch 1 1) ‘They had been promised a substantial reward for delivery, enough to make them all delightfully rich…’ I didn’t think they cared for being rich. Would this really be a big incentive? Perhaps Bacchus’ friendship with Lord Cedric, and what they owed him for his support of them would be enough on its own. Ch 2 1) ‘greatest a thrill’ remove ‘a’ 2) ‘amusements as the queen’s party’ ‘as’ should be ‘at’ 3) ‘approached lights were flashed’ comma after ‘approached’ 4) ‘Piloting an airship is not an easy business, I can tell you.’ ‘I can tell you’ is the narrator’s voice. Do you want to use this? It tends to throw the reader out of the story a bit and, especially at this particular point, it really isn’t even needed. If you remove ‘I can tell you’, you still have a very good sentence. Given that you use the narrator’s voice so rarely, (only this once that I can see) I would recommend not using it at all. Ch 3 1) ‘no item of valuable’ ‘of’ should be ‘or’ 2) ‘His stretched again’ ‘His’ should be ‘He’ 3) sentence beginning, ‘There were any number of things…’ I would finish this sentence with ‘airship’ and start a new one, ‘They seldom did, but that…’ 4) ‘The hallway run the’ ‘run’ should be ‘ran’ 5) time and said ‘I’ll think about those later.’ ‘said’ is a bit of a problem here, because he doesn’t actually say this. Maybe you could say, ‘time, with a mental, ‘I’ll think about those later.’ 6) ‘He was the largest, strongest…’ I love these two sentences! They really made me laugh. 7) ‘he was most ‘normal’ of’ should be ‘he was the most ‘normal’ of’ Ch 4 1) ‘Bacchus was a collector and a connoisseur’ As above, for Ch 1, I thought they only kept enough to clothe and feed themselves, giving the rest to the poor? 2) ‘He was extremely knowledgeable’ Again, the narrator’s voice comes through. This is only the second time, so it would be worth eliminating these. Maybe say something like, ‘He was extremely knowledge in his field, like many a man who acquires goods dubiously and sells them for a profit, and he could usually tell the value…’ 3) ‘Last of all…’ Narrator’s voice again. Remove ‘indeed’ after ‘Santa Claus’. 4) ‘quite so sense’ ‘sense’ should be ‘dense’ 5) ‘capital latter’ ‘latter’ should be ‘letter’ 6) ‘around the table, ‘be that’ should be ‘around the table. ‘Be that’ 7) ‘through – this entrance here’ the hyphen isn’t necessary as he’s already pointed his finger. In fact, it’s a bit confusing. 8) ‘The palace grounds’ This should be a new paragraph. 9) ‘I hope you have a head for heights’ It sounds as though these guys have been together for a long time, and undertaken all sorts of thefts, so presumably some have required them to climb before. Therefore, wouldn’t Cass know already if Coren had a head for heights or not? 10) ‘mugs generously straight’ comma after ‘generously’ 11) ‘we’ll be rich men.’ Again, is this important to them? James, this is a story that children and young adults would love. It’s fresh and fun and a delight to read. I’ll be coming back for more when I get the time. And you’ll get my backing as soon as I have a space on my shelf. Sue

Loving the story! A few simple suggestions: the third sentence may need a tiny edit, because it contradicts the first line. "Today was a day like any other." "But today was slightly different." How about something like this? "In the den of the Brotherhood of Theives, the day seemed to start like any other...they were going to steal something. As far back as the Brothers could remember, this was how every day started. What most of the Brothers didn't know, was that today was going to be different." ok:) my edit is a little awkward, but the point is that the two opening sentences should support eachother. "The Brotherhood was an order of what we might call professionals." This addresses the reader. "One country it avoided, and that was Arcadia. Why? Because..." The Q&A...is the reader addressed throughout? A good literary device is to introduce the story through the eyes of a newcomer. He will need pertinent information, and the readers can learn everything they need to know through him. How about Coren? We don't meet him until chapter three... All this aside... What a charming story. Your writing reminds me of Lloyd Alexander's "First Two Lives of Lukas Kasha" which is one of my all time top ten books. Get an editor to shape you up a bit, and you'll have a smash hit. The land, the old fashioned feeling, the fun characters, the airships, a princess, a wicked man hiring honorable thieves... I really like the premise. I can visualize illustrations! If you ever need an illustrator...please look me up. Your writing is very visual and strikes in a riot of colors and imagery.

James, Please accept my apologies for such a late return read. I have no excuse! Even though we did not agree to a swap, it is only courteous to do so, especially after you were one of the first people to comment on my book! Well, finished the first three chapters and I can't see why this book isn't at the ED already! Whether for children or YA or adults, your writing is professional, polished and descriptive. Your story has captivated me and I will be coming back to read the rest of this adventure! Higly starred and saving a spot on my shelf for you in May! Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

I love your style. It's light and friendly, made me smile as I was reading and left me feeling cheerful. Brilliant! You create a very convincing world too. What I did think, if this is for children, is that you need to get the action going quicker. The first chapter is great but after that there's a a lot of description (very good and funny description but still not action based). I know the thieves arrival is action but for me the book really comes alive once the Princess and her problems arrive, and then it's fantastic. I know this isn't what you want to hear and obviously it's only my opinion. I'm saying it because I've been reading for my son, who has been lucky enough to get a really good publishing contract for his second book, and he said that he'd learnt that getting to the action fast is a central thing. High stars from me anyway. I think this book is very, very much worth working on because your prose is lovely and the story is original and fun. It would be good if you could get a professional opinion. I'd love to see this published! Thanks for your suggestion on Broomsticks. You're dead right and I have done the editing!

A captivating tale that reminds me of two of my all time favorite novels ("Stardust" and "Howl's Moving Castle") I wish you the best of luck simply because I hope one day I might be able to purchase this book to share it with my children! 5 stars and will be clearing a space on my bookshelf to back in the near future :)

I like the sing-song quality of your writing and the happy tone to it. You are creating a vibrant, interesting world that the reader quickly becomes involved with. It is easy to feel sympathy for Coren and his fellow Brothers. There are many original ideas here, I like the touch of steampunk about it, and have happily read the first 10 chapters. Only comments I might make are that, for me, the insertion of the narrator comments feel a little forced in places. Who is this 'I' and 'we'? One of the Brothers? You might want to establish your/their relationship to your main characters so that the reader knows who they are dealing with. otherwise, a fun read with lots to recommend it. ps are there likely to be plenty of cats ;)

This is a great story with a fast-paced, appealing storyline and a cast of vivid characters. As others have mentioned I love the idea of a Robin Hood- like Brotherhood of honourable thieves, and you've created an original fantasy world which draws the reader in through the depth of detail. Your writing is clear and error-free, written in a style which will be a hit with the target audience, with humour and direct engagement with the reader. It's really hard to find anything to criticise here- I've read the first five chapters and will doubtless be back for more soon! Six stars, and this deserves to go far! Emma

I've read the beginning chapters of your book and have to say that I want to read more. I like your style of writing and think you have a good beginning for your story. Best of luck to you. Thomas J Dowling Daddyball: One Crazy Season

Exciting beginning! It has a originality to it that draws people into the story. It has a different sort of voice to it that makes it thrilling. Very interesting idea for a fantasy story book. Your words develop the story very well. I like the title, it is creative. Grand work. Shelby Z./Driving Winds P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hey. I've read abit of your book, so far so good im lovin' it :D Well written :D Will be back later to read more. EllenMichelle :) 'A Model's Summer'

So far I'm liking what I'm reading! I've only gotten to the first chapter, but I wanted to tell you what I thought. There is an easy grace to your writing...smooth, flowy, elegant. I especially liked the very last line in your prologue..."if they'd been a little more carefull....its like you are forcing us to read on! Nice. You created a good element of anticipation...I really want to know how the kidnapping works out, and if it is ultimately for a good or bad reason. Really great job. You should be proud to be such a skilled writer! Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

Hello Thanks for sharing this with us all. I enjoyed this story. The characterization is great. The descriptions are wonderful and something easily imagined. I believe you did a great job with writing this for your audience. I didn't see much as far as editing problems. The fine art of creating intrique and mystery is done very well with the writing. I can see this as a classic for children to read. I wish you the best of luck with it. Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Im reading Tamria and I am enjoying it very much. It is a great and easy reading book. It is well descriptive, which helps the children to picture the characters and the story. I think you chose your words carefully and I imagine you wrote and rewrote it many times to get where it is now and the results are great. You catch and hold the reader's attention, as they are curious to know what will happen next. It is enjoyable and I think young children, which are very imaginative, can enjoy reading this book much more than any adult, because fantasy is part of their lives and you mixture all the elements very well with lots of fantasy, humor, suspense, adventure. I am truly enjoying reading it and rated it with six stars. Eddie

This is a delighttful read. There are a lot of really good descriptions. It sounds as if a lot of research went into the details to make it as real as possible. The writing is very good. Everything flowed. Your chapters are short which is always a plus for the reader. I did find a possible word choice you might want to fix; Chap 2, paragraph 3-- and that been over--check it and see. This is a very good story. You tell it well. Great job, Lacy

This is an amazing book. Well written with amazing characters. I can see this as a children's film. Well done Pete

I love your opening paragraph. Its intriguing. I love your attention for details, with regards to the Brothers. I love your structure. Its reader-friendly. Overall, although intended for children, I enjoyed reading.

this story is what a children´s fantasy should be! great cover and pitch. not too complex, but intriguing. not my genre here on authonomy, but i write a series for children, too... j what every woman should know

What a great start to this story! Your descriptive language is beautiful and it paints a wonderful landscape. I love the imagery when you describe their view from their lofty perch on the airship. Your characterisation is good. Even though there are many faces introduced in the first chapter, it is easy to distinguish them and keep track of who is who. Their plot to kidnap the princess is a fantastic hook and I like the Robin Hood feel to this Brotherhood of thieves. Your writing is clean and strong and I really do not have critique here. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. Best of luck with it and highly starred! Tania Johansson Book of Remembrance

Hi James, Kindly recommended to me by Cara Gold. I've read Ch 1. I'll read on if these are the sorts of comments you find helpful. I like the voice. The informality (all the "of course"s and inviting the reader to imagine things) is lovely and the humour is gentle and likeable. Appropriate for your audience, I'm sure. I like the original mystery (what are they going to steal?) and the idea of a band of young thieves in an airship. They can't really donate the Princess to charity or worthy causes so something else must be planned for her. I wonder what? Your short pitch is a bit too descriptive and dry. You've chosen to simply state what the book is in the very baldest way, and I'd have preferred to see something quirkier. From your short pitch it could be about almost anything. The longer pitch is better, although I don't like the .... at the end. Every long pitch could end .... so it doesn't add anything. Would a young audience know what an airship is? You descriptions of the inside layout are ideal but what would it look like from the ground? I know, but would a child? Although what a lovely front cover! You describe your characters in detail and I think sometimes you could demonstrate what you mean instead of just saying it. Wouldn't that be fun with the character who is stupid? Wouldn't it be easy with the character who is too full of himself? "About as sharp as a polished stick..." That makes me think of something pretty sharp. Sticks are sharp, aren't they? I think the : you use ought to be ; I noticed this twice but there might have been others. Dio is described as being an imp of a lad and yet looks the same age as a boy two years older than him. Aren't imps small? You have no female characters so far except for the princess. I can't help thinking "Where am I?" Female children exist and read books :) I liked the phrase "clotted streets" and you have some other nice ones too. So, an original idea and a mystery in a nice easy to read style. I hope I've been helpful. There is some common ground between our books, I think, if you are looking for something to read. Lucy

Hi James, Wanted to give my thought about your book "Tamira". The book cover, pitch and synopsis is short and to the point, which is good. We now know that is is a children's story of adventure and a rescue - always nice. The first paragraph of the first chapter is cleanly written and gets exactly to the point; Coren Fairweather (great name BTW) has to do a heist job of sorts, and doesn't really want to. So we got tension right from the beginning, and that makes the reader want to read more - perfectly written :-) I don't know if I would write "hairy nose of Queen Beruthia...." Doesn't sound too appealing to me. Good description of the crowded quarters on the Tarantella. The airship reveals that this world is more than your typical fantasy dragon world, they at least have 19th-century technology, which can make things more interesting. I would leave the part about the description of Coren's brother thieves, but cut out the description of the thieve's code and brotherhood in other cities and their "Robin Hood" motives - you can sneak that in later in the story - otherwise your endanger your readers from "info-dumping" and the horrible "show -it-don't-tell-it" criticism. Last lines where you wrote "A very special promise - The princess - Today, they were going to steal the princess - This was their biggest mission yet" is perfect. I love it :-) I immediately think about the 80's movie "Time Bandits" when I read this for some reason. It looks really interesting. I really hope this helps and all the best Kirk "How to Steal a Lion"

Beautiful cover James! Is that the cover on your printed book? Simply beautiful! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Dear James, I had the sheer pleasure of reading your first chapter today! This is a beautiful piece of children's literature complete with fantasy and humor. Kids will love the imaginative details, and parents will love the high level vocabulary. You have done a marvelous job with word choice (ie: "vagabond," "rendezvous," "swarpy and dapper"). The combination of these well-chosen words with your natural conversational tone invites the reader to the story and squelches any "stuffiness" often associated with "big words." You had some amazing verbs as well (ie: "loomed", "flashed his brown eyes"). This is really a geat piece. Giving you many stars and looking forward to reading more. All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

I'M SO EXCITED Sorry, I get rather hyperactive when a new project starts to take shape :D And my oh my, my friend, this is bloody brilliant :D Just reading your new C3 with a glass of wine, hell yeah! Great work, can't wait for the rest!!! Cara

What a fantastic start to your story. I read through the first three chapters and enjoyed every moment. You have a talent for holding just enough back to keep the reader wanting more. Beautiful imagery, natural dialogue and a smooth easy rhythm makes this book a joy to read. Thanks so much for offering it up. High stars and high hopes for this book.

This book deserves to go... up, up, up!!! A fabulous story, that draws the reader right in from the beginning. The pace is fast, the writing polished. With fun and likeable characters, and an enchanting world... all the elements for a gripping fantasy tale are here! Despite it's young market, this story also contains undercurrents of deeper themes, giving it a huge potential to be a favourite with a wide range of readers. Definitely a top job, and certainly one to watch. A highly recommended read... * * * * * *

Right from the start the prose is tight and graceful and gives the reader confidence the author knows what he’s doing. Early on, I think you mention Coren’s sleepiness once too often. I like the concept of fairness in the ‘fair game’, so it’s not just an expression that means up for grabs. You’re painting the Brotherhood in a very sympathetic light, I wonder should they be a bit more roguish. You render the airship really well with lovely details, giving a good sense of a vehicle we can patch together from sea and air travel. This story feels so fresh I thought the dark forest from which no-one returns was a bit old-fashioned! The descriptions of the landscape and palace were beautiful. You successfully make each character sound distinct. Don’t think you have to tell us Coren is the most likable, I think we’ll naturally grow fond of him. I was slightly thrown by the narrator speaking directly to the reader at start of Ch2. Perhaps you should establish that the narrator can do this a bit earlier on. Hope to read more soon, It's a really good start. Best of luck with it. Highly starred. Andrew. The Morning Drop

~Tamria: Book One by James A. Gravil ~ ***Lord of the Rings, Princess Bride and Final Fantasy all rolled into one!*** Tamria is pure escapism and a joy to read! I feel privileged to have been invited into such an exciting and entertaining world! Fantastic characters, imagery and descriptions! I can just imagine Coren being played by a young Cary Elwes and a beautifully-drawn map with all the beautiful places (Tamria, Elyssia, Arcadia, etc.) Highly starred and highly recommended! Iman xxx Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners P.S. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr Seuss.

James, I just read Dianna's comment and thuroughly agree! :) Just thought I'd say hello! Have a great day! - Scott

James, I think you removed your book too soon. Your story is quite remarkable and absolutely fitting for the young adult set. I found your writing to be just as good as anything I’ve ever found on a library shelf. Your use of metaphor and personification that accompany your descriptions of characters and surroundings serve to add to the creativity and excitement of your story. And speaking of characters, each is thoughtfully depicted and given their own unique identity to remove any chance of confusion for the reader. You are a master at telling a compelling story. I hope you go all the way to the top! A whole bouquet of stars! Dianna Lanser Nothing But the Blood

James, Wonderful beginning, probably should wait until another chapter to comment, but since there are so many waiting to read, here goes. Pitch: Short pitch too generic. Long pitch too short and needs a few more details. Cover: Plot: Snappy plot, really moves along. Clear where you are headed and with Brutus part of the crew, bound to be some interesting snafus. Pacing: I like this opening chapter. You've introduced us to the main participants, differentiated them well, dribbled in backstory and got them ready for action. Good first chapter. Spelling/Grammar: Perfect, at least not being a grammarian, it seemed correct to me. Dialogue: Well done Voice: Felt just ike a published book, very well done. Characterisation. Liked the names of the characters, easy to separate except for the identical twins, that was cute. Good luck on your writing. Keeping you on my watchlist, hope to get back soon. Hope you enjoy reading one of mine. Janet The Milche Bride Clarissa's Kitchen

James, That literally angers me that this Aesop character on Authonomy would put down your work like that! I honestly love your writing and have read a good number of chapters in Tamria, enough to vouch for the fact that this is a great read! Don't stop writing, but instead continue on your quest to be published. Work on enhancing your work but know that your are starting with something great and working toward something even greater. I consider you a good friend and am honored to be able to read your work again! Tamria is once again rated 6 out of 6 stars by me and is on my watchlist so that I can return soon to finish my read of your book. I was upset to see it taken off of the site when it was! Have a fantastic day! We are greatful to have you back! - Scott, The Ark of Humanity