Hi Isoje, Although I found sections hard to understand, to me 'Amimals in Paradise' is a clever protrayal of the greed and corruptuion in our world. Told in your unique style adds passion and depth to the story. Congratulations and Good luck - Maurice

Hi Isoje, Although I found sections hard to understand, to me 'Amimals in Paradise' is a clever protrayal of the greed and corruptuion in our world. Told in your unique style adds passion and depth to the story. Congratulations and Good luck - Maurice

I thoroughly enjoyed this book, it reminded me in a sense of Animal Farm. I was a bit confused at some of the language, but it gives the story a kind of nice quirk. Nice work, I enjoyed it love^.^

Isoje, You wrote to me last week asking for comment on your book. It is a little difficult to read in some places, since your grammar is unlike the English I am accustomed to. However, I find that it lends a charming authenticity to your writing, and feel that it should only be edited enough to make it more accessible to your everyday English reader. It is very poetic in nature. I didn't quite make it through your first chapter unfortunately (I'm feeling sleepy), but you have a lovely start to your book here. I am interested in finding out what happens to your main character and if he finds the animals. I am putting it on my watch list. Would you please take a look at my book too? It is a fairy tale. -April

Hi Isoje, I will add this to my watch list. Your words are quite poetic and heartfelt. I can definitely feel the emotion. This is a very different style than I normally read, so it took me a bit to sync with your rhythm. And there is definitely a rhythm. Here are a few suggestions: - I had a hard time understanding the point of view in the first two chapters. I believed "I" was you, not Akpororo. This needs to be more clear. - Many of the important messages in the book are stated right up front in the first two chapters. You may want to let them unfold to the reader through the relationship with the animals. Let the reader feel he/she is coming to the philosophical conclusions without being "told" what they are before diving into the story. - The story really didn't begin for me until Chapter Five. I wanted the story to start with Akpororo's journey on the boat. I'm afraid an agent/publisher will not have that level of patience. - I'm not going to spend time nit picking the grammar and sentence structure issues. It does need a professional editor's eye. Overall, I'm intrigued with the door you have opened to understand a different culture. And I'm impressed that you have the tenacity to write a book in English when it is not your first language. I certainly wouldn't have the guts to do that. You've got a good start. Keep working on it with an editor. It's sharp edges could polish out like smooth sea glass to transform into something quite lovely to read. Best of luck! Courtney

Hi Isoje, The storyline is interesting. I enjoyed reading your book. I added it to my wl I hope you find my book Teodora. All the best Luisa

Hi Isoje, I think you were one of the first people that 'friended' me on this site, so it's high time I got around to reading your book! I have read up to chapter 3 so far. I really loved the poetry of ch 1, and that poetic aesthetic continues throughout your writing. You have had many comments before on editing and such, so I'm not going to add anything further there - some say do a big edit, but some also say be careful not to lose the unique flavour of your work, which is imbued with the music of your native tongue. Basic typos or mis-used words could be fixed, but part of this book's appeal is the almost musical rythym. As an allegory, you touch on many deep and highly relevant themes of today's world - the deep divide between the wealthy and the poor - what struck me in your poem particularly is the reference to how it is the weak and poor that enable the rich and powerful to hold the position that they do. It's a sad and recurring theme throughout the world, but nowhere more so than here in Africa, where millions place their hopes and trust in those leaders, dreaming of a better world and life - only to be sorely disappointed. The mythical and allegorical asect of the Animal kingdom/pardise is appealing - although I think you perhaps need to make it just a little clearer in what shape and form this 'myth' is understood by both Akporor, mama and Toyen, as well as the people at large. It is also clear that it is not just physical hardship or deprivation that is at the root of the people's suffering, but also a spiritual deprivation - the Animal kingdom/Paradise dismissed as something for children, and not to be considered by an adult or journalist. This is a very different read from most of what is to be found on this site, and will not be everyone's cup of tea...but I was surprised to find how much I enjoyed reading this. I read Half of a Yellow Sun last year in our bookclub (I see it's one of your favourites) - that is another book about this part of the world rich with sights, smells and atmosphere. If I had any advice or crit to offer, i would say it would be this - maybe provide the reader with a little more in terms of description based on the physical senses, so that we can orient ourselves in this world, so that the allegory and spirituality have something in which they are rooted for us to understand more clearly. Overall - unexpected, enjoyable - and I truly wish you all the best with this.

Isoje, I can see the comments that have been identified below. It appears that a big edit is required. Putting all that aside, I think you may just have something here. I enjoyed the idea of this book and you have a certain flow that is very restful and I would think is easy on the eye of readers. The pace is good too and matches the premise of the book. You have found the right genre for you to wright in and if you tighten the edit, you will have a good book on your hands here. Well done. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Hi Isoje, At the outset, I'll say that the topic interests me, as I am completely disgusted with humanity's inability to control the violent and greedy few who rape and plunder as much as possible of this earth, with no regard for the well-being of others - man, animal, or plant - just so that they can urinate in gold toilets and feel superior to the rest, and be waited on, hand and foot, by beings they view as being lesser than themselves. (There is a band called Blue Highway that wrote a song called Union Man and one of the lines is very compelling: "I'll never trust the rich man as long as I draw breath. To keep his marble mansions, he'll starve a child to death." So I find the topic of your novel intriguing, to say the least.) That said, I'll also say that I have doubts as to whether a publisher will consider a novel, written in English, that has so many grammatical and spelling errors. So, in sum, I think it needs to be thoroughly edited by someone who totally gets what you are communicating, and also whose first language is English. Authonomy Chapter One (Book Introduction) I had a hard time following this, and had to read it several times before I got which animals were doing what. Are the poor animals and the weak animals the same animals? Authonomy Chapter Two (Book Chapter One) I have to say I feel frustrated with my inability to stay on track and move forward through what appear to be numerous repetitions of the same things. I don't just mean that Poor Animals Must Live in Paradise, which is repeated many, many times. It's the rest, that seems to me like it is not linear, but circling, round and round. And it occurs to me that this may be a style of story-telling that I am simply very unfamiliar with. I vaguely remember reading some fables from Africa a long time ago - I don't recall the country or countries they were from - but the style of the stories was telling something over and over, gradually moving forward, but with a great deal of repetition. It was like traveling a verbal spiral, slowly, very slowly moving along the spiral line. So perhaps this narrative, which to me feels nearly circular, is a style and I am simply not accustomed to it. Coupled with the use of words in combinations that I can't follow, it is extremely difficult for me to read and understand. For instance, I just do not understand what I am reading here: "They loved my writing, but could not see the future's agony, the future cell or prosecution that could place my neck on a tree, ready to be killed or spend my entire life in a toilet. Toilet, yes, the room of criminals, where fake criminals and genuine animals are blowing each other air with their hands, turning their ugly hands to fan and sleeping in snatches." The best I can do is read these sorts of passages and hope that I'm getting the gist of things. I honestly can't follow it. So, from this first chapter I am able to surmise that Akpororo sees the injustices in the world, and how the poor are unable to band together and oppose the injustices perpetrated on them by the ultra wealthy who are in power and determine the fate of all. And therefore, the poor die a slow death from birth on, rather than fighting back as a group. Authonomy Chapter Three (Book Chapter Two) I like this story, but in all honesty, I can hardly follow more than the extreme main point of discussion about poverty and justice (or injustice!). Beyond that, I can't follow it. I'm reading through this chapter, but I'm not understanding a great deal of what I'm reading. And I am sorry to say this. I feel I've let you down. If it's possible to find an editor who is not just able to correct the English, but who also gets the more subtle points you are making, and who can edit without losing your lyric flow, someone with whom you can work closely, I think it would be a tremendous benefit. I wish you the best with this, and I hope you'll let me know if you do have it edited, I would like to read it again and would read more if I could more fully understand what I'm reading. Wishing you all the very best, Judy

Hi Isoje, I very much like your writing in Ch 2, unfortunately there was is a loading error when I try to load Ch 3 or I would be reading more. That will wait until later. The voice of the protagonist journalist Akpororo is a strange mix of English and Nigerian and fits in well with his view of a strangely familiar hierarchical class system which he calls the Animal Kingdom. I am intrigued by the story and how it will progress. I am not sure about the poem in Ch 1 and whether it adds anything, or if it even lessens the beginning proper, still the story is strong and I want to find out more. Will revisit later when hopefully the ch 3 will load ok and I am able to read the rest. High stars for now. Cheers John

I love the first chapter. The writing is poetic and the metaphor for our society is potent. The story is timely as our class division is rapidly increasing. It’s also timeless since the problem of class division is ever present in history. You keep the reader wondering about Akpororo’s fate. I gave you high stars for this interesting manuscript. MiriamNConde The Immortality Experiment

I think you have an incredible voice and there is a nice flow and musical rhythm to your words. Since this is your second language presumably, it is perhaps twice as impressive. I have no complaints about your work. It is beautiful. The only thing that I would say is this...Orwell never actually told us what the animals were. It is the hardest thing to do...to disguise meaning and motivation. Hemingway said that the "old man was just an old man and the sea was just the sea and all the symbolism is bullsh*t." Hemingway was a brilliant and boastful liar too. Everything is symbolism, but it must be subtle. After reading your prose, I will tell you quite honestly and with much respect, that I would buy a book of your poetry, but pass on a novel. It must be literal...or subliminal...but not both. I can never be both. Good luck to you. I hope that you find a forum for your beautiful voice.

Your writing style was a surprise, very unique and poetical, very good. It's complex stuff, I would have enjoyed a list of the themes you are working on, because I think every reader would bring something different out of the book - and that is the mark of a great book. Have added it to my watch list.

There is an allegorical tone in the story. There are many musical lines that though spoken in English capture your first language. There is deep political meaning throughout. But a number of things stand in the way of the story being as effective as you would like, as effective as it certainly could be. There is the oft-repeated phrase 'animals in paradise'. Bit by bit we see a little more of what is meant by paradise, but there are contradictions that create, as one goes, greater ambiguity. I think - it is only what I think - a number of things need to be clarified earlier, and then delivered, as complex as the ideas might be, in the simpler tone of the usual allegory. Just as Orwell's Animal Farm sets out characteristics of distinct animals, you should come clear near the story's beginning who these big, rich animals are - I don't think they're all human, though some might be - and what they do. And who the poor animals are - though in the Marxist sense, they could be treated as a less distinguishable, oppressed mass - and how things came to be so bad. In other words, there needs to be a narrative sequence as in any well told story. Second, you present a Map of Paradise. It is a mystical thing, but there would be no harm, once it has been mentioned, to clarify the map, the cosmography, which states what is where, who is where. This would permit you to put characters in their setting. It would give you more freedom in your allegorical statement for dramatic tension. Your observer - it's a nice dimension to create someone who thinks like us - can be very useful. There is some description. I wouldn't think it's a problem for the intended style to get his narrative stated simply and clearly in and of itself, and in relation to his observations about the animals in paradise. I repeat, there is a very nice musicality, and a burgeoning history - of Nigeria? of West Africa? - but it comes in a series of paradox: style has come before clarity of expression, political detail has overwhelmed the broader allegorical picture, and your rich vocabulary is let down by many issues of grammar. This is a very deserving story, it is being told by a passionate writer, and there is a vast population of readers hungry for authentic literature about Africa. I hope I haven't said too much. I hope I've been clear. Good luck. David Hedlin

Very well thought out metaphor similar to Orwell's Animal Farm in terms of replicating the human condition in the animal kingdom. Animals in Paradise has a steady flow which progressively reveals the plot and paints vivid descriptions of the protagonists and the challenges they face. Some readers have identified the works technical shortcomings rather than concentrate on content, theme and expression. Well those are the strong points of this novel. Technical deficiencies can be easily corrected, but without ideas technically correct books are worthless, just meaningless exercises in grammar, punctuation and spelling without any soul or idea craft. I would urge anyone reading this work to concentrate on the author's creative powers rather than technical limitations. Highly starred and WL'ed. Clive Radford Doghouse Blues

This reminds me of Animal Farm--perhaps this is the philisophical group who sit in the shade to discuss the meaning of the world and their existence. I enjoyed this piece and will read more. I wonder who the animals are symbols of though, there is more feeling behind the words that maybe you thought to include. This is enjoyable as is (sorry I did read maybe three previous before I responded though I never let others persuade or dissuade my thinking. Great Job. --emarie Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

YARG review Hi Isoje David, I had a look at your prologue and chapter 1. English is not your first language. There would be a lot of English to correct if this all needed to be perfect. I don't think it does though. You are writing from the point of view of a Nigerian Journalist. His first language is not English. I think if you were to state this at the very beginning of your chapter 1, then there are only a few parts where the English needs correction. So you could start with something like: "I am Akpororo, and I am a journalist, but I do not often write in English, it is my second language. I am Nigerian, my English is not perfect, but I have a story to tell. I was lost in an animal kingdom..." something like this, so that the language becomes part of the story. Now a couple of places where you do have to correct your English. In your long pitch "wealth and benfits" should be "wealth and benefit" and maybe "Now the poor animals are expecting the Cleaner, and the Lion of Judah, to emerge. Who are these two, this Cleaner, and this Lion of Judah?" In your prologue the lines "They are protesting against the throne of power of which they helped them to sit". I wasn't sure who was protesting here: the weaker animals, or the real animals? I think it should maybe be "on which they helped them to sit" instead of "of which they helped them to sit" . Also I don't think you need to mention Animal Farm in the prologue, there is some similarity, but I don't think you need to draw attention to it in your poem. You do that in the first chapter, and I think that's fine. "The story not yet untold" is that correct? I wasn't sure. Merry Christmas for now Isoje David Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

I read the first chapter and was stunned. Your work is beautiful, and it was very easy to connect to the main character. I like the underlying ideas of the plot, and can see this story becoming very important in the near future. I can't wait to finish it later! Kelsey We, Of Nowhere

Isoje, I enjoy reading a book when it's done in the animals POV. Lately i've been reading mostly books from the Dog's point of view, but other animals are just as amazing. Ran into a sentence on chapter five that made me pause, perhaps you'd like to take a look at it: "Morning emerged with (a) cool breeze and quietness. I did not find the two animals in the cottage and i emerged from the cottage. I found the animals sitting on the bamboo bench outside the cottage, just laughing." Perhaps an alternate word for cottage? Overall a great story. High rated and backed Michelle

As I read your book, I feel a sense of inner anger because it is a true reflection of what is happening in various societies especially Africa, and to be more specific, Nigeria. The wicked animals have actually taken advantage of the weaker animals,but the sad thing is that the weaker animals are the ones used to perpetrate the evil of the wicked animals. The weaker animals need to come to that realisation that except they wake up, their lives will always remain at the bottom. This is a fantastic book with lots of poetical mix. The genuineness of the writer is another thing I love; he says within the book that there are two sources of inspiration; the real life and Animal Farm. Truth always wins. You're a winner. Take the biggest star! Kenneth Nkemnacho Finding Real Purpose

I've only read the first chapter but I enjoyed it so much. There's something very real about the story yet unreal and I find this very intriguing. The way you have the animals portray the problems of inequality in the world is very interesting and I quite enjoy the new way of looking at it. Most people use humans but by using animals it challenges the reader to think more, well that applies to me not sure about other people. All in all it is extremely well written and one can relate to the character because he is very human. High stars Sasha MERCY

The beauty of these tales is a lesson for us all. You have a wonderful imagination to create something so endearing. High stars and watching as you rise in ranks! Linda Daniel Simmons Journey and Children Walking with Jesus

Dear Isoje, This is such an interesting, unique story. My daughter just finished reading Animal Farm for school, so our family has been discussing some similar thoughts recently. These are important ideas, and I love the way you explore them in a parable. My favorite aspect of your writing is your poetic flow. There is a beautiful repetition in your word choice that gives the reader a feeling of being gently carried along (ie: "the thrones of power, power...that was not able to challenge..."). That line continues on with such an amazing flow. WIth the parable concept and your use of figurative, poetic language, I have only one possible suggestion. I'm wondering about stretching this type of language even more. For example, in your line: "The trees seemed to talk..." I wonder about possibly using a stronger sense of personification by actually giving the trees a human characteristic... such as: "The trees spoke" or "The trees whispered." Just a suggestion, of course. :) I think you have created a very important piece of literature, and I have no doubt it will continue to do well here. All the very best, Faith Rose Now To Him

Hey Isoje, I liked your book. I also like your writing style. Conscientious and dual meaning. I enjoyed the flow of the story in relaying the power struggle of the have and have-nots. Good luck and i hope you continue to put out meaningful work.

Hi Isoje - I've read the prologue and first chapter. It's a nice poem to start, very metaphorical and a great introduction to the book. Your prose is also very poetical and reads well. This is stark, shocking and so horribly true for so many countries in the world - especially in Africa. 'they love to die in poverty rather than die now and acquire freedom' - very powerful. The English and punctuation do need some editing, but please, please be careful about who you ask to do this - it would be a great shame to lose your unique voice; the rhythms of Africa almost dance off the page. This is a story that needs to be told; a story of many people and peoples, and you are one of the few who can tell it. I sincerely wish you well in your search for publication - good luck! Karen An Ill Wind

Hi Isoje! I've read your prologue and chapter 1. Very different to anything I've read. You've succeeded in created a unique, abstract world, and I feel that your message, created by the 'poor' and 'wicked' animals, is going to strongly develop. You really invite the reader to question, and I like that. You've really got into the literary fiction genre here. I've made a few select specific notes: I think this sentence needed alteration - 'The leaves were howling, driven by a heavy wind, SEEMING to uproot the trees' 'Commotion conveyed the court room' - I'm slightly unsure about the use of 'conveyed' here. It just didn't seem like a suitable word to use in the context! 'I was here, became a friend of the bush for three days.' - This doesn't quite read right. You could change it to 'I became a friend of the bush for three days.' Your beginning was a little slow. I would suggest changing it around - start with some immediate action, then tell the backstory, then get back to the action. Overall, I enjoyed it. Your description is powerful and vivid. Your creation and originality is truly wonderful. Well done and good luck! Alice

[QUOTE] Hello Isoje My second read and still I see the talent. But, and it is a big but, You have a great story that needs good english proofreader. I am sorry I cant be more encouraging but it is true. Don't feel discouraged, look to work on a great story. David like i said, dont judge my English now, tell me about the story, it will be proofread very soon, i just want to know how good the story. [ENDQUOTE]

Hello Isoje My second read and still I see the talent. But, and it is a big but, You have a great story that needs good english proofreader. I am sorry I cant be more encouraging but it is true. Don't feel discouraged, look to work on a great story. David

Your story parts the waves of a journey to another world, across an ocean of history and time. I found myself abandoning my present world of harsh reality to your world of mystery, old as the dirt beneath our forefathers feet. I savored each word, anticipating the next tide of the plot. I will watch this book as it unfolds, read as time permits. I will travel with you to your world, into the heart of the animal kingdom. Thank you. Giuseppe Silvestro Baltasar Bane and the Curse of the Moon Witch

Hi Isoje, I read the first three chapters again to observe the recent improvements in your book and I wanted to congratulate you for achieving this in a relatively short time. The storyline is interesting, and I loved the meaningful poem you posted at the beginning. It adds depth and dimension to the concept. What I enjoy the most is the way you keep your authenticity and the way you tell the story. Your voice is clear and easy to follow. In my opinion, Animals in Paradise has a positive, motivational concept behind it and you manage to deliver it with your own words and expressions. Thus, the big picture is not so far away. I look forward to reading the rest of the story to see where this is going and I'll pick a random chapter next time so that I can send you feedback on other points I notice. Stay well and keep on visualizing. You have a great imagination, which is the essential of fiction. Best wishes, Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hello You have obviously put an awful lot of time and effort into your book and in doing so you have created a vibrant world for your characters to inhabit. The obvious downside is the problem relating to your use of English, but as others have stated more eloquently, an English editor can easily fix this. The story captured my attention and I look forward to seeing where the journey takes me. Keep going, you have talent. David

I highly agree with C. Chase. I also feel the begining was a bit slow. I thought it was an interesting concept and cant wait to see how far this gets. Good luck

Hi, I can see you have put a lot of time, energy and effort into this. And considering you are writing in a second language must also be noted. I think you have the basis of a good story and I personally am a fan on literature set in Africa. One of my favourite books is half of a yellow sun. I would suggest perhaps finding an English editor as it is somewhat obvious that you aren't writing in your native tongue. It is hard to pinpoint exactly where as it is consistently evident throughout. There are many editorial services that would make your book flow much more smoothly and can be dealt with over the Internet. Or perhaps strike up an arrangement with a uk writers group who could really help break down the language barrier issues. I think you have a good book in the making and have recommended the above because I think it shows promise. Chase

Hi, I found this charming and poetic. One shouldn't lose one's own voice in too much editing, so I wouldn't advise it. I love the fact you are obviously speaking English as a second language yet you speak so eloquently; it is the whole charm of what is a powerful subject viewed through a child's eyes and spoken with a child's voice I cannot say if there is a market for this particular work but I really feel you have tremendous potential. Good luck!

Isoje, I think your writing is charming. It is written in broken English with verb confusion and subject confusion but your meaning is clear. I know you have been advised to get some major editing, to make it conform to the standard English structure. But I don't think you have to. Perhaps a better and more interesting change, would be to change your story into an interview with a western journalist. In the beginning, Akpororo could have already been to the Animals in Paradise and a journalist hears about his travels and want to interview him. The journalist could start out by asking Akpororo how he came to know about Animals in Paradise and why did he go there, which is what the first chapter of your book is about. Then Akpororo could tell his story in his own broken English with the journalist interrupting with questions and clarifications. This way, only part of your book would require "correct" English, which would be the journalist's words and comments. This would allow you to avoid a major rewrite and still preserve your story. It's only a thought. Good luck and keep writing.

I read your first chapter and you have chosen an interesting topic to talk about. I'm not really a fan of this genre, but if you want to draw people who isn't interested in the genre, you have to hook your reader with a wow factor. Give your readers a little taste of what they are going to receive throughout the book. Your first chapter is the most critical off all, because it can even make your story or break your story. I'm a type of person who enjoy vivid imagination. I want to be able to feel, see, touch, and taste what the characters are experiencing. Make your characters come alive. Don't settle for less, reach your highest potential. Good Job!

Isoje, thank you for guiding me to your book. I don't feel the need to point out the obvious grammatical issues as I know English is not your first language. There is nothing wrong that a good editor couldn't fix anyway. What intrigues me is your passion and skill at using metaphors to describe horrific conditions in a country that is not only corrupt but tyrannical. I think the lessons learned here are important, that you can go searching for paradise but its generally not much different from where you started. As the saying goes, "the grass is not always greener on the other side." That is completely my opinion of what the book is leading up to, and I may be way off as I have only read the first few chapters, but you have a very clever piece of work here, and I hope it does well. I love the blanket of invisibility, something we all wish we had at times. Good job, I will keep reading.

I've just read the opening chapter. This is an interesting story with a very original theme. I quite like the authentic voice of the narrator, too. I have a few suggestions for this first chapter. "As a young lad living among different people": I think it'd be better if you could explain what it means or what kind of people. I was curious why Papa returned from the military as a unexpectedly milder person. Does it anything to do with the Animal Kingdom? And 'Ju Ju'? Otherwise a nice and original start of the book, and I wish best of luck with it! R

Hi, Isoje, I've read the first chapter and find it very interesting. You have a great way with words, although as English isn't your native language it wasn't as flowing as well as it could be. This I know will change the more you edit. You start a lot of sentences with 'But'......you could take this out as it's not needed. If you have a friend that has English as their first language, do ask them to have a go at editing it for you as I feel they will be able to help you a lot. I must say though, that you've done a fantastic job so far. I like the storyline and am very excited to see what happens. Your writing has depth and I think that makes a story much easier to read. Well done, Rachel

Hi Isoje, Here is the edit for your synopsis. This is my version, and I hope it works better for you. Rose meets Henry upon her return from New York to to Nigeria at the age of eighteen. Rose, a girl who loves to watch immoral programmes on T.V., also loves to listen to immoral songs. Engaged in bad habits, she comes from a wealthy home; but doesn't have the wealthy status. Rose is an elegant, famous lady -on everyone’s tongue. Born in Strafford, in the city of that great Poet, William Shakespeare, she has a tendered father and a disciplinarian mother. Her father, Mr. Edward, is pleased to take Rose from England to New York, where she would complete her high school. Rose will be living with a woman called Mrs. Rendon, a Jehovah Witness’s member, in which Mr. Edward believes that she can change Rose’s perspective. But when Rose gets to New York, Mrs. Rendon can not abrogate her bad characters and is not aware of it; she has grown in the habit she loves to exhibit. So when Rose returns to Nigeria at the age of eighteen, after she has completed her high School in New York, she becomes the talk of the society. Henry meets Rose a few days after his return to Nigeria from New York, where he studies Literature English at York University. Has Henry’s love to Rose ever existed? Rose is an immoral girl. Can Henry be able to adapt this? What are the bad habits of Rose? What the story is all about? Is it just an ordinary romantic story told for enjoyment? I hope it sounds better now. I wish you all the success and stay well, Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

I’ve got around to reading your work as agreed. You’ve done a lot of work for someone so young. I didn’t start my writing until I was 24. I think you are some way from being in a position to approach agents and publishers. However, keep going at learning the writing craft. It is a slow process, but I’m sure you will improve if you are prepared to accept constructive criticism. The first thing I would say to any aspiring author is get the basics right: spelling, grammar and punctuation. Only when they are sorted can the prose flow and be assessed for higher-level issues. I’m sure there are plenty of guides on the web you can lap up. Small mistakes get in the way of the reading of the work. I’ve listed a few issues from the opening: [It was Onome, my bosom friend in school who] – the comma here is a bracketing comma. It should come in pairs surrounding the sub-clause. This is the opening one. The closing one should be after “school”. Capitals – you can get away with capitalising Animal Kingdom, because it could be a proper noun. However, “Scientist” is no proper noun. Equally, “Paradise” might be ok, if it is a proper noun. However, it can’t be a proper noun when you say “likely to be a Paradise” (instead of “the Paradise”). [ridiculously laughter] – you’ve got an adverb instead of the adjective “ridiculous”. [a red alphabetical words] – it should either be “a word” or just “words”. Secondly, there’s no point saying “alphabetical words”. We would assume they were alphabetical. If they were symbols, then it might be worth mentioning it. First paragraph doesn’t have a closing full stop. [I had knew since the age of six] – Tense problem. It should be “had known”. [had been written in the long time ago] – Is English your second language? Native speakers would say [had been written a long time ago] When you begin to sort out these basics, I’d then suggest researching the issue of Show Don’t Tell. What you have here is being told to us. If it is shown, it will come alive to the reader. You have an inventive mind, which is the essential element required for an author. You just now need to work on the technical means to get your ideas onto paper. Good luck with your writing journey. I'd appreciate a review in return as agreed. Julian

Yeah this is just so amazing well written you will go far my friend

I did enjoy the story and will return to read more soon as time permits, but it was very good. There are a few things in grammar, but that is all right. No need to worry about that until in a more refining process. Best wishes, Penny/WOAE

Hi David, I enjoyed reading this. It is thought provoking and has the makings of a clever and brave story. I assume you are not a native English speaker and that shows in some of the grammar. But that said, the use and flow of language is excellent. Some of the phrasing is delightful. And the grammar is easily fixed in any case. I can also see that the story works on two levels. Highly rated and starred accordingly. Best wishes, Terry

Dear Isoje, I came back to read more of ANIMALS IN PARADISE, and I'm glad to see that the dynamic dialogue scenes are here to stay and I love the depth of the philosophy you've introduced. From the reader's perspective, it's very satisfying to come across these lines in a conversation. In my opinion, your book can be another best-seller of the genre, like 'Life of Pi'. Description and dialogue is balanced on a logarithmic scale and I gave you 6/6 stars again! Best wishes, Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

I've read a couple of chapters of your story. I'm finding it a little hard to follow. I do like the thoughts and emotion in your main character. :)

Interesting story. I will read some more and comment when I'm finished. :)

L M F A O!!! 10/10

Isoje! The very first few lines remind me of Everything Is Illuminated by an author whose name I forget at the moment. There is another short story by Bill Pronzini about a mutant sister held captive...she has this lisp...a terrible, childlike ferocity... Will comment later too...

Hi Isoje, Thank you for reading my book. I've just finished your first chapter and I enjoyed it as well. Like you, I'm not very good at the technical side so I know where you're coming from. And like you, I'm determined and not discouraged of the language differences. I admire you for your perseverance and I do hope that you continue to write, because it is only through this way that we learn. Animals In Paradise is a wonderful read. Wonderful because it is honest and brave, it stands for what it believes. I think that you are doing a very good thing by publishing this book here and eventually into a more broader, wider audience. People could really learn something from it and the things that happen on your side of the world. i wish you all the best with this. Keep writing and keep dreaming, my friend. D - Leo & Rover: The Purple Marble Adventures

Thank you for your message. Animals in Paradise is quite an interesting and unique spin on an issue which has been swept under the rug for too long. Very good job with weaving the story as you have. I think the book would do well in print. Several grammatical/punctuation errors I noticed are easily overlooked when placed in proportion to the main idea of the story. I love the first person aspect and your expert use of metaphor in the identification and discussion of the hidden corruption in Nigeria. Definitely an issue in need of exposure, and you seem to have done a great job on that front. More chapters coming? Hope so. Thanks, Karen Davis Nimmo A Spirit Mission

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE BOOK The story centre on Akpororo’s country, Nigeria, not the animals who play the role of Nigerian human beings. It reveals the corruption existing in every aspect of life - political corruption, religious corruption, corruption in human behaviors, and other associated themes. Akpororo is the one telling the story in the form of eyes witness. So the story has started with Akpororo as a character picturing corruption in his country and the corruption living in the world. He makes readers to understand this through his speeches, the conversations between his father, mother, Toyen as her mother’s friend, the boat man, the story of the corrupt principal in his former school, and now reveals the corruption in the Animals Kingdom, which represent Nigeria, and other countries involving in corruption

David, Wow. I read the first 2 chapters of your book and I am very impressed. I love your story. The way that you use the language is very difficult for me to read, but it is well worth the effort. I almost feel that I should be taking the time to study it instead of just reading it. There is so much here. It is beautiful and poetic even though it is gramatically unsound, it has a sense of magic and wisdom and purity that I find entirely unique. I will definately be coming back for more. Shel

Hi Isoje, As I read your story, I could almost hear the African dialect in your writing. Finger Bones would enjoy your story! :) Told through the eyes of Akpororo. It is a story about Nigeria. I enjoyed your story. I wish you the best. Sara Stinson Finger Bones

There is nice description and good dialouge. I like the first person narrative. There are a few minor errors but they have already been pointed out by other readers, so really, i found nothing wrong this whatsoever. I enjoyed reading and wish you the best of luck with your writing :)

Hi Isoje, I read the first chapter of ANIMALS IN PARADISE, and I have to say that you have a great first person voice. It's sincere and honest. I liked the general concept of the story, and the overall dialogues seem to be in good proportion with the description paragraphs. A few suggestions; "If I knew that, I will not ask you," should sound better if you change it to "If I knew that, I wouldn't ask you," I also noticed a few dialogues that ends like ". instead of ." Akpororo will come back safely in Jesus name". should be ." As we walked down the street, Mama warned me to be careful t in the Animal Kingdom. Please remove the t from the sentence. "yes, he is traveling," should be "Yes, he is traveling," These are minor corrections that I'm sure you'll take care of soon. You have a great skill for story telling and you have a great story...this counts as a major plus in the long run. I will send you more comments as I read on, and gave you high stars!!! Best wishes, Lucette Cohen Fins- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Isoje, I've now read three chapters of "Animals in Paradise". I applaud the theme of your book and the use of a seemingly ingenuous protagonist to tell his/your story. Overall I found the writing style appealing in its simplicity and what seems to be an authentic mode of expression for Akpororo and the other characters when speaking English as a foreign language. This, and the important theme of the story, kept me reading on. I did think that some of the grammar, syntax, and vocabulary could be improved and more consistent without losing the appealing primitive style. I am curious how you develop your story and theme so I will read on when I have the chance. Best of luck. Harris http://authonomy.com/books/46331/irina-s-eye/

Good story. I was there watching, listening to the characters. Looking forward to reading more. June

this book will win many awards if you write it with a fine English. though the book is morning now and I am following it. well done

Hi Isoje, I finally got a chance to look at your book and have rated it! So sorry it has taken me so long! Best of luck to you :-) In Christ, RJ Stanley

Wow Isoje this is so much better than when I read it before. It looks as if u have been working diligently on the advice of others. My suggestion this time is not to make the chapters so long. I will give you more stars. Abby

Hi Isoje, I absolutely love what you've done with your chapters, and I am very impressed with your storytelling ability. It reminds me of an African folktale, blended with insightful scripture and such rich symbolism. I don't think I'd change a lot of the grammar issues, but maybe some typos, as it reads as an African storyteller this way. It is sad and very poetic, and I love how Akpororo keeps saying Nigeria is a good country with good people. This book has so many valuable truths blended into it, as caring for the poor, not judging others by appearances, realizing that everyone in the church are not there because they believe in Jesus etc. I was moved by your words for the African people and the others in the world who need our help, a message that need to be told. High stars from me! Kara A Gate Called Beautiful

Hey Isoje Andrew Los has said it right.

Hey Isoje I love the idea you are creating here. It different from what i have read here. This is literature if it well edited. I wondered why some readers are not getting it right, saying that they fund it confusing. why? Your book is vivid, easy to understand. In fact, you display every actions in a way that the readers can understand it. I don't think that the book should start with the animals and Akpororo later comes in in some next chapters as orders have suggested. No. YOU ARE RIGHT. Akpororo tells the story not you. So can it be written in first eye if Akpororo does not start the chapter? We know that the story is base on Akpororo's country, Nigeria which is your country and the world at large, where corruption exist. Let readers understand that. This is litearture book, not to read only and enjoying as others books here, but with a great cogitating. Good luck.

This is not really my genre at all so take what I have to say with a grain of salt, however, I do believe that it has a cultural value that I appreciate. It is certainly imaginative. I think that if the grammar issues were cleared up, it would improve the readability. I am new here so perhaps it's already been noted, but I believe there are some issues with tenses that could use attention. I wish you all the best with the project. I did not rate it because it's not the sort of thing I normally read so I have nothing to compare to. There are many others who are far more qualified than I to appraise it. Jennifer James *Good Girl * All For Joy * A Place For Hope

I have read through the first three chapters. Others have commented on a problem with tenses and I see no point belaboring it. It's an issue easily fixed with a little editing help. I'm an American and your diction is often strange to me, but for me that is a good thing. I enjoy the word usage which draws me into a different culture. The characters are interesting to me for the same reason. Your first chapter is quite realistic. Akporor's father is an interesting character, a veteran of war, an unpredictable man with a bad temper, and yet he comes across to me as very human. The book goes from realism to the magical Animal Kingdom, which as it turns out isn't so different from the human kingdom, but still we have to accept a place where animals talk and think like humans and I think you make the transition from one to the other very skillfully, a train ride, a boat ride and we're there. Mention of dreams and a blanket with spiritual powers help us accept the existance of an animal kingdom. I enjoy all the characters Akpopror meets on his journey, his mother's friend, the old man, the toroise. Others have used the term charming for this book, and I can think of no better description. There is an innocence and magical quality about it which is hard to quantify. Best of luck to you with this book, Isoje David.

Animals in Paradise is an interesting piece of literary fiction with a clever social bent. The analogy is made between various animals and how they act to how human leaders run their countries. There is also the character of Akpororo, a young journalist who interacts with the kingdom. The book reminded me a lot of Animal Farm by George Orwell, something I’m sure the author of this book has read since it also uses animals as people surrogates. Animal Farm rallied against the rising power of communism as pigs in the barnyard began to revolt, where Animals in Paradise has an internal conflicts between animals that speaks against the current fad of materialism and people living a more or less wasteful life. These heavy issues are tackled by author Isoje David cleverly by using animals which readers can easily relate back to people, either known leaders or simply ideals that some leaders follow. In fact, the real strength of the book takes place when we are within the animal kingdom. It might be a radical suggestion, but I would perhaps greatly reduce the role of Akpororo in the story in favor of the animal world. The book should begin with conflict in the animal kingdom and only later reveal Akpororo’s place in the story. In this way Animals in Paradise could stand out in the field of social commentary type novels, and has a shot at becoming a literary classic. I’m highly impressed with what is posted so far, and look forward to reading more. John Breeden II Old Number Seven

Isoje, i have just read the first chapter of the book, what a lovely story. you do have a few gramatical errors, but a little editing will really help. you have a fine story here and i will read some more tomorrows. Kate Off the rails back to you

Dear Isoje, I have just finished reading the first two chapters of your book. I think you write with great charm, however you take a long time to say what is important to you.You also have a lot of problems with grammar and the correst meanings of words and tenses. I've listed here a few examples ' but he was a man of hot tempered', this should be 'but he was a hot tempered man.' 'I did not wanted to tell him.' this should be 'I did not want to tell him.' 'and how the place would look like.' should be 'and what the place would look like.' 'But why did he ran away.' should be 'But why did he run away.' I love the last lines of chapter one, really lovely. I hope that you find my observations useful and that you go on to write great things. Kind Regards.Pamela Crabtree. I hope that you will read my book, it is about Africa, I'm sure you will enjoy it , I look forward to your comments and hopefully stars.

Hi Isoje, I think your intro paragraph is a bit fractured and clipped and needs to be rewritten. It really doesn't make me want to read the book.

Hi Isoje, I read chap 2 and found it confusing. Like a magician you highlight certain words, show them to the reader and then juggle them around in a whirlwind dance. The reader is unable to see where each word-ball is heading or where it came from. It's clever, but it's also make-belief and your train of thought looks like a big tangle of ideas and images, with which you try to come to terms with yourself in the process. I'm not sure if you're sure what you're doing, and it seems to me that you're waiting for the audience's reaction to find if it's a success or a failure. Your writing expresses the need for clarification of certain ideas, while at the same time you don't seem to be able to clarify them despite employing a mirage of attachment of meaning as a method. For me, it's not the grammar or the English that's the offending part, but the randomness of presentation. Call me old-fashioned, but that's what I think. Some readers like it, so who am I to criticise? Therefore, applause for doing it with bravura, and best wishes Ame

A very brilliant book.

Hello Isoje - I have read through the first three chapters. I perceive it moving from reality to fantasy. The young man on his journey to be a journalist is exciting, but then the Animal Kingdom comes into play with the animals themselves coming to life, talking and interacting with the young man. I keep waiting for this to take form as an analogy, a parallel to the human social class distinction. Perhaps that unveils in the chapters ahead. Your grammar in the dialogue is acceptable as it reveals the way people actually spoke in your country. The grammar in the non-dialogue script, should be cleaned up with proper grammar and spelling. I wish you all the best with your work . It is fresh and honest. - Kate

Hello Isoje I am commenting again. I am following your work, and now i want to say 'good job', but keep doing it. I had read a lot of comments here, and i can say some of the comments are not really from what they read, they are from what others wrote. We Americans are to spoiled that we never appreciate what come from other countries. Your book is unique, a literature, and if you can put this down according to your age, then you try. This is something that can win award i literature after been published. I don't find any problem with your English, it is the way you people speak over there and your level of education. Your try. So am backing you again and rate you six outstanding. Thanks for putting some different here. Mathew Cole reader

This is an interesting idea you have here. I had a hard time reading the first chapter though due to the different tenses that you have used. You have a solid foundation however, best of luck with your story and thank you again for your story trade!! Sharrie Splash of Color

As others have commented, your English needs to be improved, but more than that I think your book needs more description. Your movement from scene to scene and within scenes is choppy. You should describe how the room looks, where people are, how they get to where they are. I think that you should have put something in about the school, even if only in retrospect. What was the school like, did he do well there. Also, talk more about the Animal Paradise, when did he first hear of it? What was he doing? Who told him? What did he think? You don't say, I don't think, how he even got the job to go there. Where does he work? Did he get picked because he was a good writer? Because no one else wanted to go? I think with improved English and more descriptions the book will be good. It does have an endearing story. Good job. Abby

I had a difficult time finishing the first chapter because of the typing mistakes and errors. It would be good if you fixed them.

Isoje, What a lovely story! My biggest critique is that your English is quite rough, but once that's fixed, it has the makings of a charming book =) ~Lina Dying Hearts http://www.authonomy.com/books/46120/the-hearts-of-archirind-book-one-dying-hearts/

Hello Isoje David, Thanks for the invite to read your book. The concept is a good one. "Animals in Paradis" signifying greedy, self-serving leaders who exploit their own people. However, in my humble opinion the execution requires improvement. Rather than a long opening narrative lead with more dialogue from your main characters. Also introduce the conflict early on. Also there were many grammatical errors and weak word choices. "Wondering what made collapsed her." Perhaps use collided into her. "Poppa was not a villain man." Suggest not a villainous man." I would also suggest smaller paragraphs interspersed between 2-4 line sentences. Large paragraphs can appear bulky to the eyes. So in summary, improve grammar, structure, better word choice, concise, lean approach so that it makes for smooth easy read. Best Wishes! CDNewton Cleveland Strangler: The Untold Cover Up

Hi, I have really enjoyed your book. I love your mama's spiritual blanket, "You think I will let you go, if I don't believe in this blanket" , It is such a show of character. It's a good story and I will be reading more. The language and grammar can all be fixed, it does make it a bit tricky to read, but no way impossible. I can hear your accent in your writing, and for me it makes for a very authentic read, it makes it very easy to picture the place and surroundings you write about, so for me it works well, don't change that, just polish what you have a little. You are on my WL and highly stared, Kind regards and best wishes for you and your book. Jessica

You have a good idea and you are obviously very creative, but I must be honest with you; I couldn't finish the chapter. I'm a perfectionist and when the language has so many mistakes as this chapter has, I can't make myself read it. I'm sorry. If you improve the language, I can come back and give you another comment. I wish you all the best, Sabina

Your writing is charming and curious. What strikes me the most is that your weakness is also a great strength: your voice comes across powerfully, and your writing carries a Nigerian spiciness with it, a flavor that is remarkable. This comes hand in hand with some difficulties -- from a purist perspective your English needs some work. However, I would be reluctant to alter your writing too much, for fear of "correcting" the flavor right out of it. If you'd like me to correct grammar and vocabulary you are welcome to send me one chapter and I would gladly mark it up for you. My email is todschneider@hotmail.com Best of luck! Tod http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Isoje, I have read through the first chapter in your book and I must say I found it intriguing. Though your English is rough, I found myself being pulled into the story. The idea is good. I must say that at the beginning I was wondering the age of your main character, Akpororo. He sounded very young. I'm sure you know that there are mistakes throughout. I caught several instances where you used the wrong verb tense or just used the wrong word altogether. I'm not going to go into too much detail on it because many of your other readers have already addressed these issues. Despite that, though, I think you've got a good story in the making and I look forward to seeing where it goes from here. I'm going to put you on my watchlist because think your story has potential. Lynn Surviving Sunset

Hello, Isoje! I have finished reading your story. You intricately paint Animal Kingdom, symbolically showing corruption and segregation between the rich and the poor. You pick a turtle to become a companion of the main character of the story. You use the language that is unique to your country and I like that. The turtle and the boy build friendship and together are on the journey to discover unknown worlds: human world for the turtle and animal world to the main character of the story. I understand the subject of corruption since I lived in Russia where corruption used to be everywhere. People abused their power on every level: even to get a better ticket, you had to pay a bribe. I guess corruption is still strong in your country... I hope your story gets recognition. You might check it over and fix some mistakes, like periods and commas at the end of the same sentence. I wonder how your story ends and hope to get back into it once you finish it. Thank you for sharing it, Alexandra Mahanaim Shoshanna, The Battle: Encountering Supernatural, Captivity, and Return to Eternity

Hi Isoje; I have read the complete Manuscript of "Animals in Paradise". At this time i am going to make very little comment as I have read several of the comments and would advise you to take most of them to heart, as they contain much good advice. At this time I can only say, I am not exactly sure as to where this story is going. It seems to me that you have an ending in mind and are having trouble getting there. Two thing for sure are that I am looking forward to the remainder of your work and that it is attractive. I hope that this gives you incourgagement to finish it. Wishing you the very best, Henry E Allan----"Before the Beginning".

I enjoyed what I have read of your work so far. You have used your imagination to create something very different to anything I would normally read. You deserve a lot of credit for this and I hope it becomes a success for you. Regards Maria Gibbons Past, Present, Future?

Isoje David: As you requested, I read one of your chapters from Animals in Paradise. My choice was chapter five. A good thing was your explanation of the "Animals in Paradise" phrase. I am sure by now you realize there are a lot of issues as far as the flow of language people in the United States are used to versus how your dialect is in Nigeria. I sort of felt the cadence of speech due to knowing people from Nigeria, but it is a difficult thing for many people reading; including me. If you get someone later on to work on the narrative flow (even though it is written in first person), I am sure people will be able to read it easier and see what you are trying to accomplish with this story. One of the issues I noticed was how all of the characters seem to sound the same at this point [the human, the tortoise, the elephant]. Maybe this was due to the fact they all speak in a similar pattern as you do. I know in the description of the book itself, there are different lands, but I wasn't sure if it was all in the same country or not- such as different regions in the same land. Though I said someone may have to help you with the prose, it could be ok for you to keep writing one of the characters (I suggest the journalist) in the same dialect as the language pattern you are used to. After all, it is the native way of saying things as I feel. Even though this book is written in the first person, I think improved syntax; in at least the prose; would increase the appeal of your story. Each character should speak slightly different from one another since they have unique motivations and traits. The other major issue I had with the writing style was the way things seemed to repeat in your story. One major example is the dream. As an alternative of describing the dream and then telling it all over again to the tortoise, maybe you can describe imagery such as if seeing still pictures - and then later going into details when the man tells the tortoise about his dream. That way would offer something new to the reader; so less of a feel of boredom. Another example of it was when the tortoise explained the man to the elephant. Maybe the tortoise could misinterpret one aspect, or assume something; prompting the man to clarify. It could be as simple as getting his name or region incorrect even. That way it gives a reason for any repetition, and the reader can accept repetition. Such a technique in further chapters can also help remind the reader about aspects of the story, but be cautious not to be too repetitive. Another thing I am curious about is the motivation behind the story. Is it to help others understand your country? Is it a cautionary tale to your country to change its ways? Is it a small, personal story being retold in a version of a fable? Is it a disguised exposé? Sometimes knowing who you want to speak to most can improve your story since it can give you an idea how to gear it. Thanks for contacting me, and I hope something in my comments can help a tiny bit.

I read only about half the chapter, which was enough to tell me your story is outside the genres I try to work in. That being so, I am unlikely to be very useful and, thus, will try to say very little. Mainly I try to encourage you to further develop what I see as a gift for storytelling. Specifically, it seems to me you have story sense, which is hard to define. Call it, for want of a better definition, the ability to structure the imaginary in ways that most evoke interest. I suppose one knows it when one sees it. I, personally, think I detect it in the start of your chapter. Story sense might well be the hard part for a writer. To me, the English used in this chapter is both a great strength and a major (probably temporary) weakness. The expression "my little knowledge" and the image of a voice collapsing a house are wonderfully original. Words like that take the reader to another place, in my opinion, and the trip is beguiling. I think you want to keep that aspect of the English. The aspect of English that is missing, in my personal view, is basic grammar and structure. I tell myself one might get that by slogging more or less each day through the Chicago Manual of Style and a good newspaper. My personal favorite for a newspaper is the Wall Street Journal, but there are plenty of other good options. The idea is to once a day let good writing wash over you (from the newspaper), and -- as appropriate -- to understand why especially good pieces of writing are that way (through the Manual of Style). This, I imagine, is a one-year journey for some persons, but it could be a nice journey. The newspaper tends to be interesting, if you pick one you like. The idea is to make your writing fit the standard for good English writing. I would suppose all good English writers try for that, and so many succeed that one by now expects it. The advantage I think you would have is that, from time to time, you could have a character say the wonderful things that come from exposure to another language and culture. That ability, I think, could be very big strength. Again, I base this on a hasty appraisal. If you suspect that I am wrong in what I write, then I most likely am so. Just shrug it off an go on, for I think your instincts are sound. If you disagree with me, that might only mean your instincts are even better than I initially thought. Best wishes on getting your novel to where you want it. I imagine you are making good progress toward having something very impressive. Panhandle

Animals in Paradise Isoje – As promised I read this and took no note of other peoples comments. I am sure you know that you have issues with tenses, repetitive words and grammar, but don’t get too downhearted because underneath all these problems is a gem of a story. The idea that there is a separate animal world, where they are exposed to the same ideals as humans is very interesting. I read to the end of the second chapter and although at times I struggled because your chapters are a little long winded the interaction with the animals at the end of the second chapter is special. It was a novel idea to have him disappear under the prayer blanket and get him past the first meeting, as it was having him befriend the tortoise, and the tortoise leading him in. I will leave this on my list and read more as time allows. For now I have given you a good sprinkling of stars.

Hey, I like your ideas a lot but there was a lot of repetition. Another thing, I wasn't really sure what the characters looked like - I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not but personally I find it a bit easier creating a mental image of a character with a bit more description. I found the storyline really interesting from what I read, and it is really well written! You are clearly a talented writer - with a bit of editing I can see this getting published - maybe even a movie! High Stars! - Bree

Though an interesting read, I did find many sentences that you should consider revising. There were many instances where the same word was repeated many times. Try looking for synonyms for these words. Secondly, there were parts where words were left out altogether. Lastly, don't be afraid to get into detail about how the characters look early on. The sooner you describe them, the sooner your readers can put an image to the character. Daniel Murano The One That Binds

Hi Isoje, It is a very cute story, I think. The story flows well. But one thing I would like to point out is the tenses and your choice of words in some places. Some of the sentences are a bit clumsy. Other than that, I have nothing else to criticize. All in all, it is a good story, but it needs some work. Good construction of sentences will make it easier to read. I hope this was constructive feedback. You asked me for it and I hope I have helped by giving it. All the best, Murasaki Extralife Chronicles

Ever heard of George Orwell's Animal Farm-- famously drenched in the subtext of the times, as its really not about farm animals and such, but the all-encompassing construct of Communism, itself! Barely a few words to your synopsis and it seemed obvious to me of the parallels in play; but take it as a plus as I back you wholeheartedly... For the world in which we live had surprisingly so few outlets, despite the slogans of connectedness that sell us the tech we're typing to each other on. So keep telling your story as it needs to be said; as the world is divided by a lot more than oceans-- as money is what divides us. Just look at the news.

Your character has a definite voice that is not typically American. Your choice of words and syntax have a different feel that is very charming and gives your work a unique flavor. I wouldn't even try to change it. I like your main character very much and am intrigued by this idea of an Animal Kingdom. I put you on my WL.

This is very different idea for a book but it is well written. It flows and develops well. Good work. Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi Isoje, thanks for your comment on “Delinquents by Love’” I read your first chapter and overall it looks like an interesting story and very original. It left me wanting to know more about the animal kingdom. With some fixes I think this will be a wonderful story. Nicely done. I suggest you do a great amount of editing to your work, because sometimes it is very hard to read with all the grammar mistakes. Also, pay attention to the tense because I found you switched in certain places and don’t use words that most readers will need to go look up in the dictionary. Best whishes, Erika.

Hi Thanks for your message- I have read the first chapter and I did like your main character and his perspective towards his family and the world , and the interesting concept of the Animal Kingdom , I particularly enjoyed reading about his family and his realtionships with them as well as the way you have etablished your plot. The only crictism i have is that you may need to proofread as there are some grammatical errors which can make the story hard to follow but on the whole it looks very promising from what I have read Starred and on my watchlist Steph

David, unfortunately i agree with E R YATSCOFF . i found this very hard to make my way through. :( sorry i can't be more helpful Diane

You'll have to rein in this story for editing as there are many, many errors in grammar and spelling and innumerable word usage problems. "A kingdom of vagary things" "The path to the AK was dazed with intimidation." "Embracing wimp." Nice try but I won't cut you any slack like others here. You need to improve your English language skills or write in your native language. No publisher or reader will tolerate trudging through this for long. Read, read, read, read English books or spend all your money on editors who will take years to get through it.

I think you highlight some great messages about the order of the world in your story and I certainly liked the easy flow of the dialogue. At times, I found myself pulling out of the story due to the grammatical errors - not because I didn't understand what you were saying but simply because of the structure. There are punctuation errors but it was the grammtical errors that were a little disorienting. With some editing, I think you'll have a good story on your hands. Backed. Alecia :)

Hi isoje, I have only read the first chapter so far and can see that you have an intriguing idea and straight from the off we get a good feel for the family dynamics and have great empathy for Akpororo. Alongside tightening grammar you might also want to look at tense as I found this switched in a couple of places. Also, whilst it can often work well I think the structure would benefit from being spaced out and broken up with some more dialogue as the denseness makes it a little hard to read. Just my thoughts, but overall I feel you have a great idea and the potential to do well..on my watch list and i will read more. Please read Elastic Girl when you get an opportunity as I would appreciate your feedback. Olivia

You have a fascinating plot, which carries a great message. Your MC is both believeable and intriguing, with a very distinct 'voice', with the reader learning about the way with the world works along side him. I would recommend getting someone to proofread this for you as there are a few typing and gramatical errors. This has lots of potential, and i sincerely wish you the best of luck with it. Amy :)

this is strong and vivid and not so unrelated to animal farm... j

Hi Isoje, I have read through chapter four of Animals in Paradise now and I am following the story very easily. There are obvious parallels between Akpororo’s experiences in the Animal Kingdom and what we all experience in our own countries to varying degrees. You are doing a great job exposing the corruption in an entertaining and truthful manner. I really like the characters you have chosen to accompany Akpororo on his journey. You are doing a great job getting your message across despite the fact that English is not your native language. Once again, I am impressed by your expressive vocabulary and you are making wonderful strides with the editing. I wish you all the best as you work to bring change to your country using the Gospel of truth - just like Akpororo. Dianna Lanser

Hello Isoje! You have a very interesting story here! The imagery is vivid, which I love. I get a good sense of the setting and the tension in the family. Sometimes your writing doesn't flow very well, but it gives the narrator a distinct voice. As others have said, it might be useful to have someone proofread your work, but I would also use your dialect as an asset. Good work! Jessica

Hi Isoje I've read part of the first chapter. Your story is good and the writing style is very emotive, though I would say that this still needs more work by an editor whose first language is english. I was wondering what your first language is and if the story was originally written in that? I've made a few notes on places where i think the grammer could be changed. 'He was eating fried rice that Mama has just prepaid' - 'He was eating fried rice that Mama had just prepared.' 'looking gloom' - 'looking gloomy' 'laid my head on her lap and crying excessively' - 'laid my head on her lap and cried excessively' 'I was almost fainted' - 'I almost fainted' 'by a gang of army' - 'by an army gang' I hope that's useful to you. Best of luck Tom

Hi Isoje, I read chapter 3. WOW this is fantastic and refreshing, I was enthrawled in the conversation. I am not too keen on religious material, but your conversations between the journalist and the animals is an inovative way of introducing the topic and exploring it. I must say I found this book very interesting well done. Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

You are a very poetic writer, I think the language barrier actually helped give character to your novel that I quite enjoyed. Your story line is deep and I could not help but be touched by the social implications you portray.

Isoje, You have a gift for bringing emotion out in your writing. The language difference does not prevent you in any way from allowing us to feel the fear, sadness, frustration, and apprehension along with your character. This is something that even people with a complete mastery of the English language sometimes struggle with. Very well done. Whatever happens with your editing, do not lose that. April Gray The Illusion

Isoje, You have a gift for bringing emotion out in your writing. The language difference does not prevent you in any way from allowing us to feel the fear, sadness, frustration, and apprehension along with your character. This is something that even people with a complete mastery of the English language sometimes struggle with. Very well done. Whatever happens with your editing, do not lose that. April Gray The Illusion

Having been associated with people for whom English is a second language since childhood, I had no difficulty in "translating" this work. To write in a language that is not native to one requires intestinal fortitude and confidence in one's ability and material. It would be easy to discount this manuscript on grammatical grounds, but that would only rob one of a very entertaining read. If one approaches this tale with an open, inquisitive mind one finds that it provides drama, comedy, and insight into the world of a young boy in a dangerous environment. I have added it to my watchlist and starred it. I invite you to return the read and review Kailai and the Dragon Prince. I look forward to your feedback. - Gao Zuojia a/k/a Patrick Hall

Hi Isoje, Thank you for inviting me to read your book, your passion for writing comes across very strongly. There are many good points in your writing and most of them have been very eloquently put below by others. I am adding to the points others have already made to help you improve the book even more. I have read only part of chapter one which I started to read yesterday and had to come back to today with a fresh eye so that I could understand it better. I have the following suggestions: You need to use your first chapter and openeing paragraphs to hook and grab the reader's attention and interest in the story you have to tell; quite simply you need to hit the ground running with your storyline., You had too many things happening at the beginning of the chapter e.g. the food, your fear of papa, hitting the lawyer's car and going to hospital before you even started to introduce getting the news about gaining admission into the school of Journalism. I personally would have preffered you to go straight to this point at the beginning of the chapter. It also did not help portraying your papa as violent. There were far too many mention of your fear of him, try to limit this to once in a while for a good and unusual reason; remember your book is not about your violent father. What I have tried to do in this feedback is add to all the positive points people have made below and to reiterate that you have a strong narrative voice which is very entertaining however remember to go straight to some action instead of lenghty introductions, this takes away from the impact you have on your readers. The good news is you are not alone in this, we all have to have a look at our work again in order to improve it; that is simply how we get better in what we do. I am backing your book, well done you.

It's an interesting story, but the first chapter (only one I read) is a bit long and could be trimmed down. Also check for grammar errors. There's quite a few.

This is one of the books that i ever read in this world. This is a real literature, not just an entertainment story. I wish you find a good publisher that will publish this book and fix it to educational standard. Students need to read this in school. It is not easy to write something like this, in the form of a fable. I wonder why some readers here did not appreciate what you wrote but complained about the grammar. What is wrong with the grammar? Nothing. A good publisher will work on the editing, what they need is a good story that will change the faces of publication now. I wish Harppercollins can publish this. You said you are young writer, that is amazing. I have rated you many stars and i will put your book on my shelve. Try to upload the remaining chapters, i want to read all. Your book will fill my shelve. Am still working on my book. Davoo Writing

Hi Isoje, First, "Thank you for a glimpse into your early life, your growing years." Your writing is very good with a strong voice.... often quite deep. One paragraph in particular I felt, thought provoking. Agony of a writer .. 1st paragraph. Interesting, fun, informational dialogues .. you write those nicely! The beginning was a bit wordy for me. Too many times, I found my mind drifting & had to go back & re-read. On the other hand, your memories were interesting and I wanted to go back to read them. I worry others may not... Thanks for increasing my vocabulary. I had to look up vagary ... fun word! Turns out I know a few vagary people, too! You're in my watchlist. I'll finish the book later .. I'm on Chapt 4 Jane The Genealogists: On Holy Ground

This is certainly original stuff. Few people would attempt to write a novel in a language that they have not mastered yet. It makes for fascinating reading. After a few lines I already came upon this gem: My complained did not cut any ice but dragged the spoon from Papa's hand towards my face. I have no idea what this means but it is a capital sentence. nevertheless. For those who do not take things too seriously, this may prove a hilarious read. And the author should certainly be complimented for his audacity. I wish him well. Jan

I wonder if this is a true story about your life. You tell it in a very realistic way. I enjoyed reading through the interactions with your parents. You express your feelings well. I enjoy your story. High stars. Lacy

Your characters contain a wealth of depth. I was able to believe the 'voice' behind the words because of the way you write while English is not your first language. Your roots stand out, making the 'voice' more believable. That being said, it was a bit tricky to read and could use a good English editor. Still, INCREDIBLE work for someone writing in another tongue! Big stars.

Isoje, It's good to be reminded that in other parts of the world that journalism is still a profession that young writers aspire to and I am so glad Akpororo in your story has been able to pursue his dream, rather than be like his father who 'was one of the giant men brainwashed and conscripted into the army to defend their country.' I loved the idea of the 'spiritual blanket' that Akpororo's mother gives him as a cloak of invisibility to protect him from the rich and powerful members of the Animal Kingdom. The characters of Akpororo and his parents are well observed. Has George Orwell's book Animal Farm been an influence on your work? It has parallels with your story where the writer uses allegory to write about a political regime. Highly starred and on my W/L. Alison (Lambert Nagle) Revolution Earth

Well hello, I read and then read some more. There is great dialogue here. You have a good premise and as a fiction book, this will make for an entertaining international read. Just one pun... The only thing that struck me as a beware type thing. Avoid using words that a person would need to get a dictionary to get the meaning of. One thing I learned a long time ago, keep it simple and easy to read. However, don't let that discourage you. This is easy to read, my only pun is the big words that someone without a college degree may not understand, or even an english major better yet. I learned this when I was in school for journalism in college. If your readers have to stop reading to figure out a word then you are not writing for the readers in whole. Now, this is only observations. I wish I could go to everyones page and say, I love it, perfect extra, but then I would not be giving you excelent critique. Keep this up as this has so much to offer, I can see this being rated on the book charts as being a really great novel. It gives a perspective from another countries perspective. As americans. We are spoiled and never expeirence the things that other countrys do. And, that is what I like so much about this. I am going to put you on my watch list. I want to see this grow and when it does. I will definitly put you on my shelf. Thank you so much for this, it was very refreshing and unique. Dawn

Well hello, I read and then read some more. There is great dialogue here. You have a good premise and as a fiction book, this will make for an entertaining international read. Just one pun... The only thing that struck me as a beware type thing. Avoid using words that a person would need to get a dictionary to get the meaning of. One thing I learned a long time ago, keep it simple and easy to read. However, don't let that discourage you. This is easy to read, my only pun is the big words that someone without a college degree may not understand, or even an english major better yet. I learned this when I was in school for journalism in college. If your readers have to stop reading to figure out a word then you are not writing for the readers in whole. Now, this is only observations. I wish I could go to everyones page and say, I love it, perfect extra, but then I would not be giving you excelent critique. Keep this up as this has so much to offer, I can see this being rated on the book charts as being a really great novel. It gives a perspective from another countries perspective. As americans. We are spoiled and never expeirence the things that other countrys do. And, that is what I like so much about this. I am going to put you on my watch list. I want to see this grow and when it does. I will definitly put you on my shelf. Thank you so much for this, it was very refreshing and unique. Dawn

Well hello, I read and then read some more. There is great dialogue here. You have a good premise and as a fiction book, this will make for an entertaining international read. Just one pun... The only thing that struck me as a beware type thing. Avoid using words that a person would need to get a dictionary to get the meaning of. One thing I learned a long time ago, keep it simple and easy to read. However, don't let that discourage you. This is easy to read, my only pun is the big words that someone without a college degree may not understand, or even an english major better yet. I learned this when I was in school for journalism in college. If your readers have to stop reading to figure out a word then you are not writing for the readers in whole. Now, this is only observations. I wish I could go to everyones page and say, I love it, perfect extra, but then I would not be giving you excelent critique. Keep this up as this has so much to offer, I can see this being rated on the book charts as being a really great novel. It gives a perspective from another countries perspective. As americans. We are spoiled and never expeirence the things that other countrys do. And, that is what I like so much about this. I am going to put you on my watch list. I want to see this grow and when it does. I will definitly put you on my shelf. Thank you so much for this, it was very refreshing and unique. Dawn

Hi Isoje, This is a very interesting premise. You do a very good job of relating to your American readers. Some of the words and sentences seem a little jumbled, but I think that is just because of the language difference. I've only read up through chapter 3, so I'm wondering if I'll get used to it by reading more. I also wonder if you did it on purpose or if it just needs editing from an English perspective. I want to know more about Akpororo and his surroundings than you offer. This could be a very interesting literary fiction novel with some polishing. Sarah

Isoje, Most commentators have already said how much potential there is here. And regardless of the language issues for those of us who happen to be native English speakers, I think the story still manages to shine through. I also applaud you for tackling the subject of corruption - one of the most urgent issues of our times, but not an easy task you have set yourself. For these factors alone, I'm giving you high stars and will return for more when time permits. David MASTER ACT: a memoir

Isoje, I think people are missing a trick here. I LOVE the way you take the English language and give it a Nigerian spin. I suspect the grammatical constructs are based on your native language so sound strange but interesting to a person of English origin, like myself. I would ditch (get rid of) your editor and write your manuscript in English with Nigerian overtones. The soul of what you are writing will then get through to the reader. Trying to Anglicise your pros will ultimatley take the soul out of it. I applaude you for your efforts. Mick Bannister - Gibbous Moon.

Hello David: I read the first several chapters of Animals in Paradise and the story shows a tremendous amount of creativity. I think that one suggestion is that you might want to put a little more attention in the beginning to putting the reader in context in the sense of giving a little more explicit biographical background of the main character, his nationality and the recent history of his nation. I gather from your profile that you are Nigerian, but it would probably be helpful to communicate this in the story to orient your audience. Blessings and may you find wonderful success. Though imperfect, this novel is quite an impressive undertaking and something for which you can be proud. James

Isoje, I have read the first chapter and can see the writer in you; 'Papa' is portrayed clearly with a forceful personaltily and 'Mama's' protective and caring intincts are evident e.g. the spiritual blanket she gives Akoporo. The writing does need polishing, but the imagination and creativity is there. I wish you lots of luck and have given Animals in Paradise star ratings. Maria (Georgina's Family)

Isoje, I have read the first chapter and can see the writer in you; 'Papa' is portrayed clearly with a forceful personaltily and 'Mama's' protective and caring intincts are evident e.g. the spiritual blanket she gives Akoporo. The writing does need polishing, but the imagination and creativity is there. I wish you lots of luck and have given Animals in Paradise star ratings. Maria (Georgina's Family)

In spite of the language barrier you have a very good story told well. Reading through it did take a little more focus than usual but what you said was almost poetic--a great form of literature. I'm not sure if you would be better off hiring an English editor, or writing the book in your first language. All the best to you!! Lacy

I found this very interesting but also too much work. There is a great deal of originality and creativity in the imagination of the writer but this poor reader needs to see it in a language that he can understand more easily. I wish you much success with this; I think it is worth five stars but I do not see how I can back a work that I barely understand. Sorry.

Isoje, as noted your English to our understanding is difficult, however, having worked with, if you'll excuse the expression, native cultures, I wonder for those in Nigeria, if the reading would make more sense. Yes, in an international market the language needs polished and your editor should help you through that. That being said, I like the premise and characterization. There is a strong voice of the subjugated struggling to be more than others believe possible. That is the story of the struggle of life. You tell it without apology. I look forward to reading more as time allows.

This is a very interesting opening to a story, and one that intrigues me. I wonder how Akpororo will find the Animal Kingdom and what he will make of it when he does. Isoje David does a number of things excellently, and I would like to give praise for these: 1) He creates a journey story that makes us want to follow the main character Akpororo on his quest, 2) He does a fantastic job of characterizing the people here, particularly the mother, the father, Toyen, and the old man on the bus, 3) He prepares us for what will surely be a fascinating metaphorical experience, with the animals very much sounding like the people we meet in society, particularly city society as opposed to rural, 4) He presents himself in a language and a style that is at once West African and universal. One of the other reviewers mentioned that the voice of the piece is strong and original, and I agree with this. The dialogues, gestures (the way Mother looks at her son when she finds out about the reward), family interactions, and cultural observations all add in to a look at a society and way of life that is particular to Africa, and even more particular to Akpororo's village. I really, really liked this. Obviously, these aspects are what make the voice strong and the novel interesting, so please don't lose these qualities in the editing. That said, editing and revision is necessary, particularly for punctuation, word choice, and some sentence structure. However, you know this, and I will leave it at that. I hope you have found a good, knowledgeable editor who can do a good job helping you with these points. All in all, here is a work that has a lot of potential, and I believe will do quite well, especially when the editing is done. I will be happy to look at the book again, especially the opening chapters, after this editing, so please feel free to let me know if you want and I will review again. This is a mythic journey that has engaged my interest, but with some editing, it will also be one that I can read effortlessly and recommend fully. Daniel Rider "Indian Summer"

Hi Isoje, nice use of details, you give good description of the background information, excellent character development of the father, and excellent vocabulary. It is a very good book. Keep up the good work! 5 stars. S.C.

This is a book that captures me from the start. The reader soon slips into the mood and you keep the reader interested. Although I've only read chapter one, its enough for me to keep reading. I too, struggle with my grammar and editing side of things, but i look for the story in the writer and you've got something here that deserves to do well. Have rated you 5*'s. Well done. Ruth2904 To Dream Again

I am guessing that English is not your first language. You are therefore approaching a writing career with considerable courage, which I applaud, but you may need help with more than your grammar. Some of your phrasing is hard to follow and many words are inappropriate. If someone can help you with this, and if you can rewrite with some more English fluency , I believe this could be a delightful and interesting story. The ideas are quite original and the characterisation is coming through strongly in spite of the difficulties. I think you have a natural gift - and eventually you will certainly fulfill your potential. You have a fascinating imagination - and there's a great story here waiting to unfold. Good luck.

Hi Isoje, Sorry it took so long to get to your book. I do so with pleasure. What a creative imagination you reveal in your take on a world gone wrong with corruption and power. Even though the grammar is rough you have a great way of describing your thoughts. I was able to grasp your meaning. It is clever and it flows well considering. I like your title and it fits the story well. You have the makings of a great story teller. High stars from me and watch list as shelf is full. Best wishes, Mary ann Agent H

Hi, I saw your notice about the grammar. My thoughts are that this is a very original book. It reads like a parable. Do the tortoise and rabbit have any particular symbolic significance? You write with a lot of energy and humour. The grammar does need sorting out but keep some of the unusual words and sentence structures as they seem part of your style. A nice scattering of stars from me.

Hi Isoje, I read a couple of chapters. Interesting thoughts, nice, punchy expressions. There is some great feeling of energy and enthusiasm. I also liked your metaphysical images. Best wishes Ame

NOTICE TO ALL READERS Please be patient with my grammar, an Editor is currently working on it. But I would love to welcome any other comment you make. I would also love your rating if you think the book worth it. Thanks Isoje David

Isoje, you have a gosh lot of talent and I really hope you are published some day. I love your story and your plot is marverlous ... it shows real imagination and potential. But, Isoje, at this point in time, I don't think you are ready to submit a manuscript in English. You either need to find an English teacher to correct all the grammatical errors or you need to write in your native language. Dearheart, you don't need us to nit pik all the grammatical errors in your book, but, to show you what I mean, let me comment on what I found in the first paragraph alone: 1. should read, "I had resisted papa's dream that I would be a journalist." 2. should read, "but he was very obstinate and never shifted his ground ..." 3. would read better, "never be the lawyer" 4. not clear, "my dreadful friend in his life"????? I think you are probably a brillant, talented person, but neither I nor a publisher can enjoy what you have to say with so glitches in your use of the English language. Can you take a course in English from a local college and, while there, have one of your professors to go through your manuscript and correct the errors? Because I believe you really have potential as a writer, I would beg you to do this and to completely rewrite your manuscript before submitting it to a publisher! When you've done this, I'd love to read your book again and give it a bunch of stars!

Isoje, I would like to see more background of the story at the introduction. I was captured by the first chapter, but didn't understand where it was going. That would be my initial suggestion. Otherwise great job so far, great potential.

I have read through a few of the other comments and the punctuation and grammar needs to be edited but that is an easy thing to do. Maybe get someone to proofread it? The story is good and you have an unusual style of writing which once I got into it I enjoyed. I don't blame Akpororo for wanting to get out from his father's restrictions and go somewhere more exciting, even dangerous. The idea of the invisible blanket is intriguing. You paint a vivid picture of this culture with all it's beliefs and problems. I wish you good luck with this. Kim (Pain)

I have just read the first chapter, you need to do some editing for grammar. But the story is very interesting and I like the style. I am rating it and will come back to read again.

So you are the savoir. Great thing the Moon speaks! And the aminals respond. Your friend was shivering like if he just saw the ghost. It is sad even knowing the state you described so seeing must be frightning!

This is quite an interesting start and the characters you describe are well drawn and seem realistic. I did struggle at times with your style but I think with some editing this could be solved. The ideas and storyline are certainly fascinating. Kathryn

I started to read your book and have to agree with some of the other comments out here. The grammar threw me off a few times and I had to reread to understand what you were trying to say. Since English is my second languagel that makes it very hard for me and I finally gave up. With some editing and polishing it probably will be a good story. Best of luck to you:) Elke 'Ella In Between'

Dear Isoje: This is good and interesting. You can tell and write a story. Your voice is compelling and candid. I am starring and shelving. Good writing! Simone Marie My Rhapsody

Dear Isoje It took me a while to finish your book. For a young person like yourself to write what you did is exceptional. For that you deserve a high rating. I am happy to see how much dialogue you use - without it your story and its characters cannot come alive and remains only a narrative. Ch 5 Conversation between Akporo, Tortoise and Rabbit =excellent. My only critique is to make sure of punctuation. Example use double quotes: "_________ ," he said. " _________ ." or He said: " ________ ." or He said, " _________ ." preposition to be used: ...tell my father to get me OUT of jail... Not out from jail Criticism =a noun. Also. ... Tell him to stop criticizing or his criticisms Keep up the writing. You remain on my watchlist. Kind regards Maretha African Adventures of Flame Family Furry and Feathered Friends

I have been reading this first chapter. I has some intriguing ideas and storyline, and though Im also editing mine tightening up many things, I know that might help you as well. In places revise revise revise has been how I got along, and because it can be a very exciting story, as you do so, it will be even more interesting. I enjoyed reading it and the different world you paint is a bif fascinating, just give it some work too, and keep at it. Best of Luck my friend! Regards, Saera The Wizard of Crescent Keep

Sorry for the delay in commenting - Your story is interesting, but it does need polishing. In dialogue, you include a comma before the last quotation mark when you say "he said/ she replied/ they exclaimed/ etc. That or a question mark; but there has to be punctuation before the last quotation mark. Another thing I want to point out is verb agreement. You say things like "An intimidation voice" when you should put "An intimidated voice" and stuff like that. It was somewhat distracting in the beginning. Also, I would suggest starting off those first few paragraphs differently. This is just a suggestion - you don't have to take it - but I felt you could have done without them at all. You don't need to start with his birth and childhood: you can skip straight to the description of his father and the military. Overall, it needs some work. You have a good setting and an interesting idea, and I hope that with a little polishing, your story shines. Peace and snowflakes, Nightskyfantasy

Hi Isoje; I have just this second finished the first chapter of your book. Unique would be the first thing that sprang into my mind as another commenter wrote. I admire your choice of language, it suits your style and that's what's important. Keep it up. At some point I will get some more of it read.

Hi, Sorry it's taken me a while to get to your story. I always enjoy tales set in Africa and yours is no exception. Your depiction of Papa is very good - tough, violent, frightening to the boy. I could picture him in my mind. I would echo what others have said: the story needs polishing. But it definitely has potential. You are a talented writer who sees and describes shocking and unusual events that hold the reader's attention. Good luck! Camac Johnson Untouchable

I enjoyed the welcome into a world of intriguing writing, you have a very creative mind which uses a unique gift of story telling in the way which you have chosen to write your book, I am very eager to read more and have put on my watchlist. I will come back to read all chapters of your book. I think you have a great story here and portray well through the characters in which you wished your inner voice to be expressed. High stars for you. Clare Be The Human Sunshine :) I would appreciate the comments on my little pocket book.

Isoje Your symbolism is unique and authentic, all in a readable and pleasant tone. The core of the story is raw, but you undermine this by the childlike behavior ways. The emotions flow off the page, I can feel the mother's pain and pride, the love for the family is demonstrated in each scene. I commend this method of story telling, you have mastered it well. Good Luck with this journey Highly starred! Thanks FC

Dear Isoje, I really enjoyed reading your easy to read materials.It's highly comprehensible and readily absorbable. Good Luck

This has the makings of an excellent story. A very clever idea with the animals - the rabbit asks 'when is it going to be better' and had tears on his face! What wonderful story telling! I also liked Mama's faith 'Akpororo will come back safely in Jesus name' and I liked some of your expressions - e.g. 'and mosqutioes were exhilarated to be my intimate buddies' - what a great way to put it! I would echo the comments of others about proof reading but you obviously have talent so I believe this story is definitely worth pursuing - all the very best with it. Margaret How do I know I know God?

The writers gritty style holds the reader's attention well, with a little bit of technical fixing it could make it much further, good read. God bless you Adam

This is an interesting story. I like the symbolism and the literary style. I'm giving it lots of stars. I hope you can come by to read some of Stopped Cold. It's a teen sports mystery with a bit of suspense. I hope you'll feel you can star it, watch list or back it.

BackedAnimals in Paradise. Great title. Your story has great promise. We suggest you fined someone to help with proofing and editing. Authors on Authonomy have given us many great tips to polish our writing. We recently edited our book using their suggestions. When you decide to edit we have a few suggestions for your first chapter. Hope the suggestions help. Hope you will take a look at our book, Dark Side. CC Brown First paragraph: The word lawyer should not be capitalized. Second paragraph: Needs a comma and the words journalist and he do not need to be capitalized.“Akpororo must be a journalist,” he told my mother… Fourth paragraph: The word army should not be capitalized. Fifth paragraph: Add an s to the word Action, take off the s on the word speak, and add an s to “word “ –Actions speak louder than words

Hi Isoje, I’m here for our read swap. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and feel free to disregard what you disagree with. Chapter 1 I’d combine the first two sentences into one. “father was very obstinate than the blood running in my veins” doesn’t really work, though. If you’re using “than,” there needs to be a quantifying word to give it context, like “father was more obstinate than the blood running in my veins.” The other part of that is the imagery. I don’t understand how blood can be obstinate. “Lawyer” should be lowercased and add a comma after it. “proclaim” is too strong a word there. “defiance in his eyes would never let me speak” Powerful line there! I read the first couple of chapters and enjoyed what I read. You do a great job of building up the tension of the MC’s world, especially with his relationship with his father. My biggest suggestion is to clean up the grammar and readability. Some parts don’t make sense either because of wrong word choice, or grammar/punctuation challenges. Very expressive language. Just needs tidying up, but has all the makings of a strong novel. Best of luck! Phil (Deshay of the Woods)

Hi David I enjoyed your story very much. But I think you need to go over it and clean up some of the grammer, also use simpler words where you can. I had to reread some of the sentences to find out what you meant. I think some of your readers could be put off with this. A good polish here and there and you have the makings of a fine book, as hte story is a good one. Good luck and best wishes Brian.. PS highly starred.

Hi David, Thank you for inviting me to read "Animals in Paradise". You tell an engaging story, and set up a lot of tension in your first chapter. Having been forced to become a journalist by his father and a twist in events (riding his father's old bike into the lawyer's car), Akpororo sets off to investigate and report on the Animal Kingdom. This feels like a true hero's tale to me, and the magical blanket his mother gives him on his departure, adds a fairy-tale element to the story. I look forward to seeing the blanket in use! I think you have the beginnings of a strong story here. All writers can benefit from a good proof-reader / editor, so try to take up everyone's advice on finding someone to help you iron out errors in grammar, punctuation and lexis. Best wishes, Annette

Hi David, To begin with am glad you asked me read ANIMAL PARADISE and I read the first chapter. I must congratulate you for your effort and as I read along I realised you have vision and ability to bring a story to life. I am not English too and I see alot of Nigerian English in here and thats wonderful. Now to real critic and please dont hate me. I am being honest, thats why you asked me to read it. Firstly you have used so many TOUGH words that made me bring my dictionary at my side. I doubt many readers would like that! The replacement of words you have used(Thesaurus) some are not applicable to the situation.Words like, GALLANT- means FINE, PERIL, PILOT, have been repeated so much, it kills the quality of the whole sentence. 1- I used to Mumble when I overhear(OVERHEARD) him saying that to her. 2-But he always hounded(hounds)me.- The sentence could be better this way. But his presence always hounds me with his gallant voice. 3- Defiance in his eyes WILL- WOULD . 4. I was the first and the last born( Perharps I was an only child would be appropriate) 5- My growing up LIFE- you could skip LIFE. 6- Creep(FEAR) and shivering. 7-Facade( FRONT) 8- Extricated( SLIP) 9-The sentence begining with Papa questioned. I find it unnecessary. Well, By now you must want to kill me. I am sorry but its only you who can decide what is good for you, not anyone else. I would however suggest you find an editor who will go through this book sentence by sentence. Thank you. Josphine

That great, your dear school friend came to work with you, you could share your feelings. Oh the rabbit. you are right, Animal should not entrench ln corrution. Add rest of the chapters your readers want to know what happened next? Many stars.

With a little bit of spit and polish this book could really shine! It immediately piqued my interest and held onto to it. 5 stars, best of luck!

Isoje your character, Akpororo is a very brave man. I knew too many journalist friends that didn't fair too well criticizing war lords or politicians. I remember one such journalist who was with 100 friends that had won a journalism award of the sum of 300 dollars. The awards and their belongings were stolen when the bad boys sacked the hotel. Another group they just blew up for printing the truth of the former president. I will definitely give this a look over.--JL

delightful story. everything came alive as i was reading. thats because of your realistic descriptions of characters and sceneries

Dear Isoje Thanks for asking me to take a look at your story, "Animals in Paradise". Your writing is colourful and expressive. Your use of language feels authentic and engaging. I enjoy reading about the ways in which Akpororo observes his father; the way Papa talks and and the ways in which Mama relates to him. I suggest that you paragraph your long pitch, to make it easier to read. And you might find help with a friend in going through your MS to clear up some grammar and punctuation. But that can only make your story shine, so it is worth doing. Fran :-))

Isoje, I have to agree that you have a story and indeed a voice. This book could go far with someone at your side. All the very best.

A book with a great potential, just stick with it and try to get someone to help you with editing. You have the basis for a wonderful read. All the best Karen, Faking it in France Not sure if this is your kind of book but i would be thrilled if you would take a look.

You wrote like a non-fiction, which is not bad and managed to create a image of your book charrecter. well described writing. Connecting too. good work.

From what I've read of this, I think you have a great potential story here. I can see from reading it that English is not your first language, so the fact that you've managed to produce something readable (more so than some natural English-speakers I could name!) is an accomplishment in itself. There are aspects of grammar, punctuation, spelling and structure that need attention. For example: lack of commas at the end of sentences of dialogue. "'Be careful my son' he said." That should be: "'Be careful, my son,' he said." I was immediately thrown by your capitalization of "Journalist." Why does "journalist" need a capital? It isn't a professional title in the same league as "Doctor," or a military title like "Brigadier" or "Colonel." It needs to be lower-case: "journalist." There are some fantastic phrases and descriptive passages like "hounded me from his presence" ("with his presence," I would put) and "imbibing resentment," but your proclivity for big words and elaborate language could be seen as off-putting. Good writing is generally conspicuous by its lack of embellishment, and overall readability. So you should tone some of the complexity down. There are multiple occasions of using the wrong word, or inserting a word in the wrong context, where you don't know its exact meaning: "I intervened Papa's speech for the first time in my life." That should be "interrupted." Also verb confusion: "which I need to remembered" - should be "which I need to remember." These are just examples. Perhaps a sympathetic editor, aware that English is not your first language, will be understanding enough to take this project on-board and make the necessary changes. But my recommendation would be that you send this to a professional proof-reader, or have it reviewed by some English friends (whose grasp of the language is impeccable!), and they should be able to make the necessary corrections for you. Even so, a sterling effort! I'm confident that if you can iron out the problems in this manuscript, you should be able to go somewhere with it.

Hey David, I just finished the first chapter and there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that there's potential for a great book here. It's real, engrossing, fascinating from top to bottom with an idea about the Animal Kingdom that really leaves you pondering what exactly it is. There's still some things to buff out in terms of the flow of the grammar. But it doesn't take away from what a phenomenal book I think this will be. Peace & Love, Brian

Hello David, Thank you for sharing your book. It is inspiring....I understand what you are saying. But generally, same views as other comments. Get someone to help with the editing, to make your work that much more readable. Even then, you do have a good story, very engaging. Good luck. T-Browne

Hi David, I just finished the first chapter of your book. I think the story is interesting, there is great potential. I was confused in the beginning about the father because it seems like he wants Akpororo to be a journalist and yet he say his words will never get him anywhere and he seems to want to thwart his son's ambitions. At the same time I was not really sure if Akpororo wanted to be a journalist, but he seems very resolute when he is about to begin his trip. Good luck with this, I think you have a great idea here! Mindy The Wishing Place

I've just read a little bit of you book and its not my type of thing but its a strong story, there are mistake but nobody's perfect as you have seen with my co written book. EllenMichelle :)

I have read the first chapter and I have to agree with some of the other comments, that the english is not quite clear enough for me to jive with here. It reminds me of one of Jonathan Safron Foer's characters, who uses a thesarus to translate his native tongue into English. In missing the most sensible word choices, the voice become funny--a picture I don't believe you are really trying to paint. My best suggestion is to work with an English editor to perfect your use of the language, so you can tell the most believable story. Good luck, Caitlin Avery

Hello You have a wonderful story. Your voice is great and I how you tell the story is much like the stories I've heard told by an African friend I once had. Very vibrant and full of life. I enjoyed your characters and you've painted them very well for the reader. The story has a great message that most should hear. I believe all stories should have a message. Besides remembering one's history, they were also used to give a lesson of some sort. I wish you the very best with the story. Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey.

All your comments are really fostering. It really making me glad and i learn more about my mistakes. But trust me, I would make a change and don't depend on my mistakes please. You can tell me more about the story not only my mistakes please.

Animals in Paradise. At first, I did not understand your allegorical story, and there is a large amount of editing for you to do if you wish your book to be read in the English speaking world. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to find a professional editor first - because you appear to have the makings of a good story here. I wish you luck! Jane (Breath of Africa).

It is difficult to issue opinion on creative works that are written by those who although speaking English well, are not yet fully at home with its usage

Hi Isoje, I have read through chapter two of Animals in Paradise and found your story to be very good. In America sometimes the word “animal” can have a negative meaning. When we refer to someone as an animal we mean to say a person is very base or low - not honorable. Does the word animal have the same connotation in Nigeria as well? As I read your book, the title, “Animals in Paradise” seemed very fitting. We are all corruptible people - whether we are white, black, red, or yellow, we have a tendency to live “selfishly“. But you and I know that God committed the most “selfless” act as an example of how men and women of every nation should live and love. I am most impressed with the message of your story. And secondly I commend you for your courage to do your part to end the corruption that is rampant in every country - not just Nigeria. The change starts with one person and hopefully it will spread generation by generation. Others have mentioned that you need a good edit. That is true, but I must ask who you intend your audience to be? Is it your countrymen and women or are you looking at a broader international scope. I loved the voice and rhythm of your writing, it sounds very Nigerian. (I have a few Nigerian friends who visit us every year, in fact I mention them by name in my book.) And I would suggest you keep that. But do work on the proper use of nouns and adjectives. At times you mixed the forms of those words up. Also you have a remarkable vocabulary. Some of the words you use are not so commonly used in everyday English. But if that is how the Nigerian language is translated to English, by all means keep those colorful words in your manuscript. I will return to read chapter three soon, but for now I will give you six stars. God bless you. Sincerely, Dianna Lanser Nothing But The Blood

This is a great piece of work. It has a lot of potential. There were a few things with the grammar that didn't make sense, but with an edit or two it will be no problem. It's a great start!

I think this is a wonderful, imaginative piece of work. It tells a story about the corruption in the world in a very interesting and adventuress way. 'You have a lot of edits, but it didn't stop me wanting to read every chapter you have on the site. I was surprised with the story. 'ANIMALS IN PARADISE' , my first thought was animals not in captivity, and I was expecting something completely different. I have to admit I was pleased. I dont know how the rest of the book goes but have you thought of making it into a childrens book? I know you would have to remove a couple of words and maybe the odd piece here and there, but I think it would be brilliant. But even so I love it as it is. Clean it up, make your pitch simpler, and you have a great book. Highly rated. Junetee(Four Corners)

Hi Isoje, You have lots of potential and I wish you well. There are lots of grammatical errors but your writing has a lot of vigour and style. I would advise you to work closely with an editor (or a good English friend) before you put chapters up, you will get more votes in the long run. The story seems interesting and powerful. I like your ideas. The short and long pitch need some work. Don't describe what happens in the book, rather entice the reader in with a few fascinating situations/characters. Take a look at the pitches of the highly rated/ranked fiction on the site and you will get the idea. All the best with this, Sharda.

I read two chapters. I wanted to read more but I just don't have the time. I like the writing style of the book and the insightful look you give us in situations we may see in a different light and so educate us with this new insight. I do think it needs a bit of editing, though and that is easily done. Otherwise, it is a good book and will do well. Let us know when it is published.

Isoje, You have written a fascinating insight into Akpororo's world and I can really feel his anxiety in the first chapter. The dialogue feels authentic and the setting is colourful and inspites me to read more. The chapters need careful editing but otherwise, an enjoyable read. All the best, Melissa, Lessons in the Dark

done ..your book is now on my WL...as u do know i have few books to be read before you..although..for sure will get back to u qith feedback and when space is available will back u up without waiting for u to ask... all the best.x

Thanks, your comment really inspired me. I would soon upload all the chapters, so stick around the corner. I would also take a look at your book 'The North Korean'' Thanks.

Isojo, "Animals in Paradise" is a social commentary uniquely crafted and worth every second of reading time. Seeing the world through Akpororo's eyes is an exhilarating experience, breaking down complex situations into the simplest of terms. His pride at being regarded a journalist carries him well over difficulties that would otherwise have tripped him up. Your conversational style makes your work easy to digest, and your dialogue true to local colour is delightful. Thank you so much for the entertaining read. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean

Thanks for reading and I am so delighted that you wrote back. I am sorry for making that little error, it is 'quiet' , Well I would upload many chapters and be sure that all are well edited properly and deny grammatical blunder. I also love your children book, I am just reading it and could not gaze away my visage until i finish it, Thanks, your comment is really fostering.

Beautifully written really interesting story. Your opening chapter engages the reader very quickly and you writing flows well. Iam not really an expert on grammer but aia noticed in chapter 2 you wrote " Oga, you keep quit" I said. Did you mean to write quiet? I am enjoying what I have read so far On my watchlist and highly starred!

Thanks, true word

I wish for all fathers to remember their dreams. Rian Torr New London Masquerade