Hi Lindsay, I enjoyed reading your book. It's actually quite easy to pinpoint who the main character is. The first chapter is captivating and pulls me in instantly. I would like to see more of Keshaar's personality in the story. I'm more of a person who digs through a story to find my favorite character. I can't wait to see how this books ends. It has great potential.

Since you haven't been on the site for some time I've only read chapter 1 but I must say it was a pleasureable read and made quite a refreshing change. Your use of gryphons marks this out as different although gryphon riders are mentioned in the Dragon Age video games so I can't say the idea is unique. I'm also sure I've read somewhere before of humans linked to Dragons in the same way as your gryphons are paired, perhaps Eragorn, but it doesn't matter. Alongside the fact that it marks a different approach to the fantasy genre I also found it well written and nicely paced. It's a shame that this hasn't climbed higher as from the opening I'd say it deserves a little more attention than it is getting at present. Hopefully the stars I've awarded will bump you up a few places. Best wishes, James

Lindsay, I always love these types of books and I really like that you have created something different than the usual fantasy storylines that are coming out. Some things I noticed: I would like more of a description of Keshaar at the beginning, primarily about his age. His thought seem better suited to a young gryphon. I really appreciate your commitment to using the accent, but the way it is presented doesn't tell me anything about how it sounds. Are there rolling rrrs? A way you can do that is by r-r-r or something to that effect to show the reader what it sounds like. I would caution you to take out the long spiel about the politics of your world right off the bat. It draws the reader out of the story and this information can be easily woven throughout the rest of the story. Other than that, I think your story is off to a great start. It is backed and I look forward to reading more! Frith, Kayla Shaw Philosophia

Hi Lindsay. I've read the first Chapter, and this shows a LOT of promise. Keshaar really starts to develop as a character even at an early stage, and Twilight is an interesting addition. I loved the concept, although wasn't as keen on her name. I loved the use of the word "slinked" - that para really worked well. Other commentators have pointed out a few grammar/comma issues which could be tidied up, so I won't repeat these, but this won't take too long - reading out loud will help. Couple of niggles - Keshaar the gryphon ( first para should probably be Keshaar, the gryphon,...) & you've used "some" twice in the last line - I think you should delete one. I've given this high stars and will keep it on my list for a slot on the shelf - you deserve it!

GRYPHON LEGEND This is an interesting story. I like the way you begin with the description of Keshaar. Makes him very likable as he describes the contrast between him and xx; he becomes even more likable when he rescues Twilight. I think it’s hard to take these birdlike creatures and make them warm and sympathetic and human but you’ve done that well. Zanthar’s dialogue is unique; what a clever way to point out he’s different from everyone else. Bottom line: this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

hi Linsday, I have read & enjoyed the first chapter. I will post more detailed commentary next week when I am back home. BTW be careful when you edit not to dip below 10000 words, otherwise you lose all your backers! This happened to me & it's been a slow climb back.

by the end of the first Chapter, I went ahead and clicked 'Back this book'. There is a lot to like here. While I think there are some comma-placement issues and general grammar tidying that could be done, this book demonstrates a great deal of creativity on your part. It reminded me of a lot of things, from Mercedes Lackey's gryphons to even a bit of Anne McCaffrey in the creation of a new race. You have some good characterization, but there was a time where you head-hopped in the first chapter from one gryphon to the other one. (I would consider cleaning this up and sticking with the one gryphon's pov. The shift to the second gryphon was short enough it was more jarring and didn't seem intentional to me. You have a good hook in the first chapter was well. I think that if you read through this out loud, you'll be able to pinpoint a lot of the missing commas (and in some places, commas where the comma wasn't needed). In chapter 2, once again, you head hop. I think you really, really need to clean this up. You have the starts of an amazing story (thus the backing) but every time you do an unnacounced head hopping, I have to go back and figure out why I got confused. Stick with Twilight or stick with Keshaar. If you *must* do both, give them separate scenes and separate it with a dinky. I think doing this will really improve the flow and keep the jerky transitions at bay. I read all the way to the end of Chapter 5, and my comments are mostly about the same thing; watch the head hopping and include a * or a # to signify scene changes or POV changes to make it a little easierto cope with and try to avoid it altogether if possible. There were some small diction errors, but nothing significant. I'm sure you'll catch them with a few more sweeps of the polishing cloth and reading the story out-loud to yourself. Good luck with this story, it has a lot of promise.

Hello I enjoyed this read. You have a well-written story with great descriptions and characters. The pace and flow were well-done. I didn't see or read anything that pulled me out of the story. I like how you pieced the background together in manageable amounts. I love the idea about gryphons. Such a leap from the other stuff out there. I believe this will go far and wish you the best of luck with it. Thanks for sharing. Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

you just got yourself a fan. i love this. griffins will also be taking part in my story as well, on the side of good. i am going to bookshelf, watchlist and star this. it earned it. maradjen, author of THE IHMAYRAN CHRONICLES

Hey Lindsay! Read all 5 chapters of Gryphon Legend today...and enjoyed it very much...when are you posting more? Here are my thoughts: Plot--not enough on the site to really comment too much on this, but I like how you told part of Keshaar's story in the first chapter, but left the rest hanging until the second. Also, the legend you mentioned in the pitch intrigues me (your pitch was very well-written, btw). Characters--Love Keshaar. He is an ideal protagonist. Twilight is pretty good too, but she almost doesn't seem bitter or hateful enough at the people who twisted her (Just an opinion, don't change if that's not what she's supposed to be. She almost could come across as one of those super-sweet people who couldn't be mean unless severely provoked, like in Chapter 1 with Zanthar.) I don't know enough about Zanthar or anybody else to comment on them, but the mysterious dark character (of whom I have suspicions to his identity) is both evil and alluring. Nitty gritty stuff--I didn't notice an overuse of passive voice, (which is a failing of many Authonomy authors, I'm afraid) so kudos for that. Your spelling was good, and your grammar had some awkward spots but for the most part was good. As a reader, I tend to like third person point of view that stays with one character for a whole scene best, so I struggled a bit with your head-hopping technique. However, that seems to be a writing trend these days, so it will probably work for you if you handle it carefully. Just be sure to clarify exactly whose head you're in when you switch POVs. Of what I've read so far, your best point that I noticed was your description of the gryphons. I have read way too many stories where the author tried to "humanize" animals and mythological creatures. I read a book once that had a dragon sitting at a table and eating using silverware! Your description of the gryphons preening, flying, twitching their tails, clawing with their talons, and grinding their beaks was VERY well-done! I am quite impressed... :D I'm going to shelve you for a week or two and give you a 5-star rating for now. Keep up the good work, and let me know when you have more up...I want to know what happens! :D Bek Mars--The Pearl of Aireland, DarkStar

As everyone else says - a very well-written and extremely imaginative work. I have rated this six stars, and will keep you in mind for my shelf. I think there are some things you could do to make it even better, though. I have read through most of the first chapter and below is a list of my suggestions. Feel free to ignore, but I do hope these will help you to improve your work. Hope you have fun reading "Tamria"! James ***** "dripped off of them" - should be "dripped off them". Don't need the "of". "fur covered" - feel this should be hyphenated: "fur-covered" "his tails... had become the perfect impression of a fountain" - wonderful description! "It gave off an eerie sort of glow" - "It gave an eerie sort of glow." "off" isn't needed. "cascaded down onto his head" - another minor nitpick, but I can't help feeling the word "down" is dead lumber. Since when does water cascade up? "... as more water cascaded onto his head." You have a large paragraph here (possibly 500 words), I wonder if this would work better broken up? I always strive for "white space" on a page - it looks attractive to a reader and gives the impression the story is moving with greater pace. Many readers (myself included!) tend to skip over long paragraphs. "as his feet sunk down into the ground" - again, I just feel this sentence could do without the "down." "as his feet sunk into the ground". Better? "his golden yellow eyes" - just "his golden eyes." yellow is gold. But of course there are different shades of gold, so you could maybe have "yellow-gold" if you wanted the colour to be slightly more specific. "grabbing for him with long bony arms" - I like "long bony arms" - good personification! - but maybe "reaching" would be better than "grabbing." Or else "grabbing at him with long bony arms." "diluted forest" - clever word-use! "opened up to a wide field" - another word that could maybe go: "up." "opened to a wide field" - there, is that better? "The diluted forest opened to a wide field..." "just opposite of Keshaar on the other side of the forest to the south" - this felt a little clumsy to me. That's a lot of words for pinpointing where those mountains are. "There were mountains that would be visible just during the day to the south, on the other side of the forest." I don't "opposite of Keshaar' is needed. and as a side-note, "opposite Keshaar," not "opposite of" "wonderfully concealed to even the most prying eyes" - this is one instance where, to improve the sentence flow, you might add a word. "to even the most prying of eyes". I think that sounds a little smoother. Even so, it was fine as it was. * Might this paragraph work better if it was broken up? Here's how I might have it? Because of that, he was here, in a rotten field on a rotten night. Finally, he reached his destination: a small ditch that rested off to the side of the clearing, covered thickly by thistles. It was a perfect spot for spying, wonderfully concealed to even the most prying of eyes. At least it had stopped raining. * Carefully, Keshaar positioned himself in the bushes to wait. The grass was cold and wet at first, but after lying there for a moment the sensation disappeared. The temptation to move and rid his fur of stickers was almost too much. But somehow the gryphon managed to stay still. [* - I took out the "finally" because you had it two sentences before.} "Patience little one, patience." - feel this needs an extra comma. "Patience, little one, patience." "still many hours left till dawn" - many hours? That's rather vague. It could be taken as many the night had only just begun. "several hours till dawn' is probably better. "their clumsy movements giving away their presence" - not a correction, just a suggestion: I think "betraying their presence" might be better-sounding. "Shalarith" - ooh, fantastic name for a country/world! You do have interesting names! "As he watched the scene before him" - how about "surveyed" instead of "watched"? "As he surveyed the scene before him" "Alhira Hadrien" - another great name! "bonded together at birth" - a tautology. "together" isn't needed. "A race created when humans and gryphons bonded at birth" The whole concept of human-gryphon bonding and it being unusual for a male gryphon to be bonded to a male human is very reminiscent of the "daemons" idea in Philip Pullman's His Dar k Materials. Was that an inspiration? "He focused back in on the group before him" - another small word that needs to go. "He focused back on the group". But this might be a smoother phrasing: "He returned his attention to the group before him" "lost in memories" - "lost in memory" ? "stood at about eight feet tall" - "stood about eight feet tall." Don't need "at". "Its were a blood red" - lose the "a" ? And maybe "blood red" should be hyphenated too. "Its eyes were blood-red" "The creature stood on two legs that formed, not into feet, but into large canine like paws" - 1, I think "canine like" should be hyphenated: "canine-like". 2, "into" seems unnecessary. "The creature stood on two legs that formed, not feet, but large canine-like paws." Is that an improvement? "loosed any sane person's bladder control" - I found this funny, but the word "control" seemed out-of-place to me. Rather modern-sounding, in a fantasy novel. "would have loosed any sane person's bladder." Better? "carrying in between them" - "carrying between them" "Silently they laid it at Zanthar's feet" - maybe instead of "silently", "without a word." "Without a word they laid it at Zanthat's feet." Because your next sentence also begins with an adverb. ("Deftly.") "ruffled looking" - hyphen. "ruffled-looking" "The wolfman too seemed annoyed at the lack of view he himself was experiencing" - this felt slightly clumsy. Here's my phrasing: "The wolfman too seemed annoyed at the lack of a view and quickly reached..." "grabbed the bag" - different word than 'grab'? You've used that verb before. "seized the bag", maybe? "dumped its contents on the ground" - maybe "onto" instead "on". "It took all the strength Keshaar had not to let out a screech of alarm" -> "It took Keshaar all his strength not to let out a screech of alarm" "a bundle of feathers tried together" - think this is a typo. "tied together", not "tried". But maybe instead of "tied together", "bound." "a bundle of feathers bound with rough cords." (You also have two adjacent adjectives there - thick and rough - and it's generally better to have one rather than two) "It's the first successful project to survive sir" - needs a comma - punctuation is as important in dialogue as it is in description. The human is addressing someone, so there needs to be a comma before "sir." "It's the first successful project to survive, sir." "It'ss intelligence levels" - an obvious grammatical mistake. "Its intelligence levels". Not "It's".

Hi Lindsay, This is very good. Recommended for folks looking for a nice, fresh departure from "Harry Potter" and "Eragon." I will send some suggestions to you in authonomy email. Highly starred. Dean Lombardo

Hi Lindsay, thanks for the comment, just dropping in to return the read. I just read your chapter one, really enjoyed it. Keshaar the gryphon is a fantastic creation, with a very individual 'voice' (I love his little thought asides to himself, gives him real personality!), and Twilight is emerging as a feisty little foil to him - they're shaping up to be a great double act! This is very readable stuff, edited to a very high standard, and I'm happy to give it 5 stars. Joe Kovacs Ginger the Buddha Cat (a few minor points: 1) you might consider trimming the first page or so (great writing, but nothing much happens); 2) 'm not sure of 'damn' in a fantasy world, how about 'Curse' instead?; 3) that 'backstory' para starting 'Keshaar was a pawn..' jolted me out of the narrative somewhat; maybe introduce this in the form of dialogue later on?)

This is brilliant stuff- genuinely original fantasy. I haven't read a fantasy novel focused on gryphons before! The opening is great, and throughout I could vividly picture the scenes unfolding. Your writing is clear and free from errors, and although descriptive is not overloaded with exposition. I found myself drawn into this fascinating and well-developed fantasy world. An absorbing read- well done! Emma

A highly imaginative and promising work. Balanced writing with engaging description, interesting charachters and good enchanting dialogues. Highly rated.

This is a very interesting and engaging story, set from a very unconventional perspective. The Gryphon main character is very well personified, and gives the story a fresh twist from traditional High Fantasy novels. It begins well, going straight into conflict with very little set up. The author does a fantastic job of giving setting and plot information without subjecting the reader to blank statement paragraphs. These few chapters are an excellent start to the novel, and I can't wait to see how the story between Keshaar and Twilight progresses!