Hello Naeim, I read Ch.4 of “ TutamkaAtan forever” yestereday. The drama picks up momentum as the story progresses. A few things I obsereved here are:- #..This was the fact which made the Pharaoh TO hold a meeting >>>>>>( ‘to’ not required) #.”We wre obliged to make those workers…..TO cover their face lest not to be recognized. “ >>>>>>>>>>>(you mean …‘lest they will be recognized’?) # “……Meanwhile they are guard…….”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(.. while working , they will be guarded by our soldiers ”) # “Could you DISTINGUISH who backed them?” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with ‘identify’) # a great number of them QUITTED>>>>>>>>>(quit) #You have to avoid what may ARISE them >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(arouse/incite ) # your highness>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Your Highness) #...in service of AkhanAton from the FIRST moment he took the throne>>>>>>>>>(‘first’ not rqrd) #..in touch with those multiple PEOPLE”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(cultures?) # The discussion went on ** * how to >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(the discussion about/as to or the discussion went on as to how to) #...in the SOON future >>>>>>>>>>>(immediate ) #God of Gods WHOM has been >>>>>>>>>>>>(who) # when a new portrait of the OUTNUMBERED (?) portraits………was defaced>>>>>>>>>>>>(the sentence is not clear ,please elucidate) # to TOUCH the news>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(get/gather) # …where he thought he could count on>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Not clear what you mean) # “You have made me DUBIOUS about yourself,….”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (suspicious/incredulous?) # “I have never seen ******* like them before….”>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert ‘anything’) # ”….Nothing is mentioned ALIKE” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Nothing of the ‘kind/sort ‘ is mentioned”) # Being deprived FROM >>>>>>>>>9of) # SEASON plants (seasonal plants) The New Pharaoh trying to usher in a new agenda/era of awakening, much to the dismay of the priesthood. The novel is replete with intrigues ,power struggles and uncertainties,revoking a turbulant phase in the history of Egypt as also of the ancient world. I will return to you with comments on Ch.5. asap. Keep writing. Thx & Rgds SWORDMUZIC

It makes me want to go to Egypt Needs a little tightening up yet it dose not stop it being a enjoyable story

Hello Naeim , I just read Ch.3 of "TutankhAton Forever". The story promises to be quite intriguing .With necessary editing it could become a fantastic book.Some times the phrases and slang in the writer's tongue mixes in and cause a clash of meanings. In the Pitch - "...where the reader only can decide who....(who would emerge victorious/triumphant.) In the tags- spell check -ASSASSINATION, (Capital case -'e'gypt) A few things I noticed in Ch.3 follow:- # "......we know all that...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(we all know that # ...He will not miss a chaos in our country ">>>>>>>>>>>>(not miss a chance to exploit ( or capitalize on) a chaos in our ...) # enemies were ambushing FOR him..>>>>>>>>>> '(for' not required) # domestic & FOREIGNER>>>>>>>>>>>(foreign) # UNDER any cost >>>>>>(at any cost) # ...face it BY any way>>>>>>>>('by' not rqrd) # ...time has come BY now >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('by' not rqrd) # ".....ready to GOON this path?" >>>>>>(go on ) # What is happening ?" SAID Dohin angrily>>>>>>>>>>>>(asked) #.....crying that there is a catastrophe IN THE WAY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( on its way to .Egypt/ on its way ) # what he asked OF>>>>>>>>>>(for) # ...for the PASSING few decades>>>>>>>>>>>(past) # and the DEVIL PLOTS against him>>>>>>>>>>>>>(diabolic plots(of the new high priest ,I guess) against...) #by implementing his ILL plans>>>>>>(ill -advised or ill-conceived) #.....in the stars WHERE the high priest and the head of the astrologer had missed>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with 'that') #.....but Dohin mad the priest TO take him far away >>>>>>>>>>>>('to' not rqrd)--This error has been observed in too many places, please note. # It was something important WHAT they were talking about >>>(replace with'that') # ..."we HAVE NOT TO ignore them">>>>>>>>>>("We must not ignore them") #....CUT the influence of the priesthood >>>>>>>>>>>>>('curtail ' the influence of the ...) I will be reading Ch.4 later and getting back to you. Juba, the lunatic, is an interesting character, with his profound knowledge of the heavenly bodies and the skill of prescience,typical of the ancient prophets and philosophers. You seem to have done an exhaustive research prior to embarking on the project which is quite good. Yesterday I read about Queen" Hatshupsput'(spelling may be incorrect) and I suddenly remembered your book. Read in the newspaper today that the long -emergency in Egypt has expired. Have a Good Day Thx & Rgds SWORDMUZIC

this book needs a good edit for me to give it a better look.... j

post it in your native tongue and see if anyone can critique it!

post it in your native tongue and see if anyone can critique it!

post it in your native tongue and see if anyone can critique it!

3 rd paragraph- 'But they had used to that, Do not use word but in the beginning of a sentance. write - - They were used to that kind of sound. 'They were six' - - There were six of them and ...... leadinfg them ( all ok) 'seeming to be their chief' - - he looked like, he was their chief. You can keep theh rest on that sentance till better comment. Take off but from 5th parapraph and i will leave it for now. Just to make it presentable to readers, then you can get proper comments. Ok for now. other ways it gets too much.

Change these; 1. 'An untold Fact' - - A fact that remained untold. or simply -- Fact untold! 2. 'Time to start had come and he knew the consrquences' - - The time has come to start and he knew the consequences 3. 'It was not the first time, and seem though not the last time', ---- It wasn't the first though seems neither the last time, ...... Rest of the 1st sentannce seem fine, so far.

Naeim, You have done a good work here: gathered information, created a record and then put then into writting form. However, a lot of improvement is needed. There are too many to pin point at this condition. First of all; break into chapters; many as possible. Here you have only two chapters . I recommend you create 3 cahpters of each. Total 6 or more. I read quiet a lot and realised you have a lots of interesting inforamtion with intrigueing twists. This can be a fantastic story and popular tale. I will help you. Good luck.

you have done well here, with a difficult task. the change in writing font to change time does work. however; as this is my opinion- you may need to re-edit and decide and play with different font and ways to show the change in the time... l have backed...6 stars********* read SEASONS...

Hello Naeim, You are a good story teller.But , to be honest ,there are so many ungrammatical usages and malappropisms in your in work,the kind writers who are not native speakers of English ,like me ,normally make. A few of them FOLLOW:- If pressed "UNCONSCIOUSLY" should have been ' inadvertently' He was "WORRY?" - I saw it in two places... Some " PROMINENT PRESTIGIOUS OF WHOLE EGYPT?" PROBLEMATIC TO FATHER? Otherwise, the story is very intrigueing and it seems to have a VERY GOOD PLOT AND PITH... In your short pitch/blurb you speak of " devastating wars were in their way , it should have been " wars errupted etc etc...? In my opinion , you should have revealed the " In 1925 a French Archeology team .... " secret in the short pitch as only those who open your book will be able to see this startling fact! Also you seem to have revealed the main story of your first chapter in your short pitch itself -I mean the monotheistic religious concept of the Pharaoh.So the reader already comes to know what you are talking about in the 1st chapter. Hope you look into the above - mentioned errors and edit.Keep writing. SWORDMUZIC

Interesting read...will continue and comment further when more of this is uploaded. Until then, awarded stars from this reader. David

Hello Naeim , Your book is now on my watchlist. I was quite interested in Pharaohs and mummies ,ever since I heard of them.All the more so about TutankhAton!. I had watched the story of ' twin sisters of Egypt" on Fox history and entertainment channel.And I read that the word Gypsy has its origin in Egypt ...and Bohemia is in Egypt -courtesy Erric Partridge! Was there any connection between Titanic-the doomed liner-and some mummy? They say the herbs for mummification came from Kerala-my state- in India. I would get back to you soon with the comment

good premise. i like historical pieces. do you mean to say "severe conflicts were ahead" here? j