I do wish I had your imagination! I have notr ead too far into the story but I can tell both from the book's style and content that the completed work is destined for great success. Well done! John Philip

CHIRG Drama of the rough seas and a boy waiting for his father. Lovely well drawn characters. Ch8 ...turning back to his guest. So jack... Needs an apostrophe. Great poetry too. A very powerful ending to chapter 10; a real cliff- hanger six stars for a great read. Cas The Wind Maker

YAN Chapter One Review This is nicely written, and I feel that the Irish dialect sounds authentic. It's also appropriate for a young adult audience. I'll be interested to read more, as I've come across a lot of sailor stories on here, so I want to see how you will set yourself apart from the pack. Kristen Immortal Dilemma

YAN Chapter One Review Hi Garry just finished chapter one and loved it. I like the irish lilt to the text and enjoyed the visuals you created. I cant see where this story is going, but i am excited to get there. Abbie Lee Wallace Medically Mystifying

YAN So far this is a wonderful children's story. I would like to know how old the boy is now - he said he was too old to be thrown about by his father, so... 10? 11? Loved the spooky foreshadowing you did with the water. Great Characterization of the boy and his dad - I enjoyed the touch you put about the bump on his dad's hand. A nice drop of more foreshadowing. Whatever could be wrong with his hand? Interesting first chapter - I definitely could see upper elementary to middle grades liking this book. I liked your setting, but I would have liked a little more description of the smells - you're by the sea, with sodden ropes, and fishmongers, and sailing ships - definitely would be nice with a few descriptive touches about what the boy was smelling. Loved the other touches though - the birds and the bell, lots of sound and sight words - even some texture. Very nice.

YAN I loved the first chapter. It had just the right amount of description and character developments without feeling weighty, the characters are clear and strong, and the little hint of mystery in the water is just the right amount to make the reader wonder what is coming. I have nothing to critique (I would say something if I did, trust me :)) I think its wonderful and look forward to the next chapter! Toney/Growing Amaranth

This is fun! (Also, I liked the name "Carrick" being incorporated, as my parents just spent 7 years in a village with that name in Ireland.) It's just the kind of story I would have loved as a child. And tried to tell, too, probably.

MOURNEQUEST What a gret children’s story. You’ll have chidren snatching off dandelion stocks and blowing them into the wind all over the world. Jack is a wonderful main character; so trusting and childlike. And owner of the most wonderful secret. I think you’ll find an audience for this about schoolagers. All of us wish we could be transported to a magical world some days. The best part of this: everyone knows Harry Potter’s world can’t be true; it’s too full of magic and dark evil corners. This book rings true; as it a magic world really might appear if you only wished hard enough. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Plenty of original touches contribute to what has the potential to be a very good book.

I meant - this is good! It was late..... KG

Chapter 5: It's time i got back to this! A very strange chapter indeed! The action scene, though highly supernatural (who would think a dandelion could throw a boy around a room and break glass?) was well-written and I could picture it perfectly. So great descriptive writing there. My only critique for this chapter would be "His father!" I'm not sure it's needed to be pointed out that the man in the web is his father (as it has been implied in the last few chapters, and Jack wakes up screaming for him), but more importantly (and this is really nit-picky) - I think the exclamation mark adds melodrama to something that's already quite tragic (therefore, it really doesn't need it). Again - its really nit-picky, but it did stand out, I'll try to get to some more soon! E

Hi Garry; I spotted your book on a friends shelf and thought what the heck, I'll give it a go. Just for the few chapters that I did, I was transported back to my much younger days, when all you wanted was a good old fashioned bit of magic in a story. This had oodles of it. All the characters were believable and well described (particularly Nanna) and full of charm. I loved the idea of the dandelion wish, so simple that I could imagine a child running outside and trying it straightaway. I can't roll my tongue unfortunately so I'm bang out of luck. I wish you well with this. PS I don't know if you have any plans for this, but I could well imagine the odd illustration suiting it rather well, too. High stars RMA The Snow Lily

Ch 10 - CHIRG/YARG I have now finished all you have uploaded. This chapter is perhaps not so well-edited as the others, but that is something you can sort out easily. Here are my comments. Please bear in mind, as usual, that I'm far from an expert in these matters. Anything you don't agree with please igonre! 'The sound of young one's laughter' - apostrophe in wrong place as should be a plural? 'Jack wasn't interested in what is friend was saying . . .' - sentence needs revising as it doesn't make sense as it stands at the moment. 'This'll guide us to where were going' - should be we're 'peered through the tiny aperture' - need to tell us what he sees before saying ''Well, what's so great' 'The last thing Jack knew he would ever see' sentence needs revision, as sounds strange. Could delete altogether? A few commas are missing eg. 'Bathe in her glory, Jack, for she has the power to heal.' Could do with a bit more detail about the branch-like creature. What does it look like? Anyway, just a few points. You may want to ask others from the CHIRG/YARG for close comments on punctuation etc. Garry, I have really enjoyed reading your chapters on here. I think this has great potential. If there is one comment to make (bear in mind I have read it in a fragmented way, so you may not agree), I think you could remind the reader a little more of Jack's feelings and sadness about his dad. When he jumps in the water, perhaps this scene can be emotionally heightened. How does Jack feel at this point? It must be a mixture of disbelief and excitement. Let the reader in on those feelings. Well done! Great stuff. Julia Shadow Jumper

Ch 9 - Continuing my read I have a few comments on this chapter which I think will make it even stronger: 'Was Cobs the friend he believed he was?' This sounds weird in this context. 'Maybe Cobs wasn't the friend he'd believed he was.' I'm sure you can think of a better way of expressing it than me. I can't help thinking that there needs to be a negative in the sentence. You start using 'ya' - not sure if you use it in previous chapters, but I don't think you use it consistently here. Maybe you could give us some idea of what Cobs packs for the journey? 'five-poster bed' - have you described this before? If not it would be great to know what it looks like? If you have, ignore my comment! Maybe Cobs could find the new carving on the bed and say it's odd or something. Or Jack could comment on it and Cobs could be amazed by its appearance. 'I hope your right this time' - should be 'you're'. 'Bad enough, he thought, if - add commas. Will try and do the last chapter this weekend. All the best Julia Shadow Jumper

Ch 8 This is gripping stuff. We meet Cobs and we're about to learn what Jack has to do make his wish come true! It's going to be some dangerous quest I'm sure. You are a master of descriptions, Garry. A couple of nitpicks. Ignore if you wish. Sentence starting 'And this study is full of so many things . . .' may benefit from being divided up as it's rather long. 'You could have let me sleep on it in the first place?' Remove question mark. 'Cobs sighed feeling a little heavyhearted.' Change of POV. Insignificant details in a very well-written chapter with plenty of suspense. Julia Shadow Jumper

Back for Ch 7 An enjoyable chapter - I love the idea of a tree within a tree. I was a bit confused by the size though. You describe it as massive, and it must be if there is another tree inside with a mansion in its branches! However, I think it would be so big he wouldn't be able to see it was a tree, if you know what I mean. Apart from that you describe things so well! And the ending is gripping! Julia Shadow Jumper

CHIRG/YARG Hi Garry, I’ve just read the first four chapters of MourneQuest. You write well, with good pacing and lovely characterisation. This is a great story, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Below are a few notes I made as I read. Mainly typos. I hope they’re a help. Ch 1 There doesn’t appear to be anything here? Just the title? Ch 2 ‘flaxen to silver, tied in a bun’ This sounds as though the silver is tied in a bun. It would probably work best as two sentences. ‘flaxen to silver. It was tied in a bun’ ‘It’s wonderful ,Jack’ The comma’s in the wrong place. ‘and a he couldn’t’ remove ‘a’ Ch 3 ‘off to sea his navy’ comma after ‘sea’ ‘getting’ too old’ should be either, ‘gettin’ too old’ or ‘getting too old’ ‘Leaping from from the bed’ remove one ‘from’ ‘and into to the porch’ remove ‘to’ ‘led him back to his room. Lifting his quilt over their heads’ I visualised her pulling the quilt up off the bed and right over the two of them as they stood there and couldn’t think why she’d do such a thing. This is a beautifully written story, with a lovely blend of dialogue and narrative. The dialogue is realistic and the characterisation excellent. The story moves at a good pace and is never dull. Well done. Sue

Ch 6 This is the stuff nightmares are made of! I love the descriptive passages of his wild and frightening journey in this strange land. A couple of nitpicks: What now?. Remove full stop. I think you could end the chapter more strongly if you delete the last sentence and end with 'glimmer of light' -- just my opinion, but it leaves a little more to the imagination. Still enjoying this. Great stuff. I will be placing this on my shelf eventually. Julia

CHIRG. Hi Garry, Wow! I read the first five chapters and found myself engrossed with a clear picture in my mind of the characters and setting. You've taken a fisherman and his family including an old woman, added a touch of magic, and created something special. Only a couple of things troubled me. The chapter endings could be strengthened. And why no mention of the mountains? Perhaps that is to do with the half-real half-imagined world you have created. This deserves to be published. High stars from me! Camac Johnson Hemingway Quest Klipspringer Hill

CHIRG/YARG Ch 5 This is a chapter full of action. How does he know which dandelion stalk is which? Perhaps make it clearer how he knows it is the tenth birthday one. 'he snarled' - sounds a bit evil for Jack. Perhaps find another word? Other than that another intriguing chapter. You certainly know how to keep up the suspense. Julia Shadow Jumper

What an easy and good read. I like the simple easy read but the story itself has so much creativity to it. I enjoy how you develop the story and characters. The title is quite unique and fitting. Grand work with this. High ratings. Shelby Z./Driving Winds

breaking up the long pitch into paragraphs will give it strength. this is an enjoyable children's tale. solid title. well developed. j what every woman should know

Back to read some more. Ch 4 This is powerful. I really feel for Jack and it now looks as if his dandelion wish hasn't worked. It's a moment of deep despair for him. A moving chapter. I continue to enjoy your writing. A few nitpicks (although I'm really no good at the editorial stuff) Delete space after 'devastation' Delete space after 'You'd better go in Martha," she said. The silence that followed was deafening. Sounds a bit of a clichee. Could be changed to make it stronger? Delete full stop after deafening. Really enjoyable. Will be going on my shelf when a space arises. Julia Shadow Jumper

YARG review: I really like the pitch - it caught my attention as it sounded exactly like my kind of book! I really enjoyed the first four chapters, and I'll be back for more! The characterisation is very strong: the reader can picture each character clearly, and the use of the Irish accent makes them sound authentic. I like the interactions between Jack and his father, and his nanna. The allusions to a tragic event in the past, followed by the dandelion making Jack's wish come true, keep the reader interested. Your writing is polished, with some beautiful imagery. I love the descriptions of the wreckage caused by the storm. There a good balance of description and dialogue throughout, and I couldn't find any stylistic errors. Overall this is a very strong start to what promises to be a great story - best of luck with this! Emma

Your writing has a nice flow to it, a lyricism that seems most appropriate for an Irish writer. I like Jack's voice. The tale has an overall sweetness that's very endearing. Technically, it all looks good as well. Best of luck with this! And if have an interest in childrens' literature you are invited to take a look at the Lost Wink. Thanks! Tod http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

YARG It was a pleasure to read the first two chapters of your book. What I like: The setting and the mood is calming and welcoming. I feel warm like I'm near a fire with a loving family all around me, while I read. Your choice of font is good too. I'm a fan of Garamond as well. I think it adds a magical quality to your writing. It's very easy for me to envision your characters. I especially like the point where Jack sees the figure over the hill while it's snowing. Suggestions: I would consider cutting down your descriptors. Your a wordsmith and your words have enough power that you don't need as many. I felt it was possibly too slow to start for some YA readers, BUT I'm not an expert, so you know better than I. Perhaps start with the Dandelion sequence? That was very captivating.

YARG II Hi Gerry, I've read your first three chapters and have thoroughly enjoyed the start to your story. I love your characterization, especially the first description of Nanna..."she wore the seasons like the shawl on her shoulders". Great stuff. I'm finding it hard to add to any of the comments already made - really polished writing. I have added you to WL and will be back for more. CH3 has left me quite worried! Highly starred Thanks Al Seyers The Orb Gatherer

YARG review: This is lovely, Gerry. When I read this, I feel I'm on a cliffside on the west coast of Ireland (I could be totally wrong about where Jack is, bit that's where I feel I am!) Chapter 1:  Fantastic job of setting the scene. You marry a quaint, idyllic seaside welcoming of a father by his adoring son, with subtle hints of mystery and perhaps a foreshadowing of fear. Well done!  Just a couple thoughts: - It rode high in the water, carried on the strong tidal currents and Jack could tell she was doing at least seven knots - you use it, then she here, which could do with a big of clarification - tiny, tiny thing:  Not Old Russell’s’ nag (not sure why you need two apostrophes) Chapter 2: You describe Nanna Tess wonderfully. I'm so impressed.  Jack's reaction to his gift is fitting and endearing, in the concealment of his disappointment and his later excitement. The mythical box and the allusion to some past tragedy is intriguing. I'm absolutely compelled to read on beyond the second chapter.  Chapter 3: The dialogue is whimsical and poignant. It's really lovely. With the spiderweb and the broken boat, I feel as though there's a heavy, ominous undercurrent in this chapter, and I'm quite sad about it.  Chapter 4: This chapter is absolutely heart wrenching. I won't say more, for fear of giving it away. Overall, the characters are lovely, your diction is fitting: it almost feels like literary fiction for children; there's no lack of clarity but it's beautifully and distinctively written. I think adults will love this for its prose, and children will be drawn to Jack and his story. There's not much more than I can say, other than that is is superbe work.  Six stars, and a genuine Well done!   Ellie Paragon

Garry, This is the kind of book for younger children I could happily read. The style reminds me of Patricia Lynch, who my own children read now with pleasure. It certainly makes a change from the plethora of books featuring know-it-all street-wise kids who you wish had been strangled at birth. For what it’s worth, I’m not sure you need to have a cliffhanger end to every chapter with this style of writing, the atmosphere you are building up is one of safety, security, the happy home, and Jack’s innocence. You do that very well. The chapters are short and the descriptions are clear and vivid, no big info dumps, and all well calculated to suit the attention span of ten year-olds, which we are led to believe is reasonably short. Chapter two introduces an allusion to a tragic event that has marked the lives of Jack’s family, and that is tantalising enough to retain interest. Nanna is lovely, the kind of grandmother we all either had or wished we’d had. In chapter three the pace quickens, with a growing feeling of impending disaster, but the reader still has the hope that the birthday wish will see it all right in the end. I think this is quite important for younger kids, to have the frisson of fear, but the possibility that everything will work out for the best. I intend to read all you have uploaded so I’m leaving it on my watchlist, and will back it when I change my shelf. J.

Garry, Young Jack growing up in a fishing community is a sympathetic character one roots for as he confronts agonizing challenges, mainly the loss of his father at sea. Jack gets his break meeting up with a creature named Cobs who turns out to be the ideal mentor skilled at beating the odds. Your imagery conjured up by simple yet florid sentences, your dialogue fraught wiyth witticisms, make for a delightful read. Thank you so much for sharing. Kenneth Edward Lim The North Korean

CHIRG/ YARG Review, This is very nicely written, you've given a lot of attention to the crafting of this tale and it has paid off. We instantly enter into this idyllic summer setting and the life of this small, rural family. I like the way you didn't shove the magical elements down our throats too soon but hinted more subtly at what was to come. Jack is enjoyably innocent and the character of the gap-toothed grandmother works well as the mysterious instigator of the supernatural plot. I loved the description of the relationship between the father and son. The scene of them coming home together is very realistic and quite touching. The mother hasn't had much time to stand out by the end of the second chapter but no doubt she'll come into her own given time. My biggest criticisms would be the way in which you end the two chapters I've read. The first chapter seems to be building to something but in the end doesn't quite get there - I would have had it end with the grandmother giving the mysterious box and Jack's fearful wonder at what might be inside. The second chapter progresses beautifully but you pull away from the potential revelation (see note below) None of these notes are particularly major things but will help in polishing your book up. Close Observations. the scary sight of the rough seas -rather simple, childlike language compared to the rest of the description in this paragraph watching his face -petty I know but there’s a double space between the first two words The sound of a ship’s bell startled the boy and, when he opened his eyes, he -move the first comma to after and. skilfully -typo “Nanna always talks like that.” -comment doesn’t really tell us anything or seem a particularly natural response to the previous one. Jack glanced from his Da back into the water. This time it was his own face looking UP at him. -to avoid repetition of back The narrator sometimes refers to Jack’s Da and sometimes his dad – should be consistent “Not Old Russell’s’ nag though. That ONE’s a bit skinny AND besides, who else’ll get my fish to market?” -full stop -changes to avoid rep of horse and to make more sense (sorry if this is a dialect thing and I simply didn’t understand it) Very atmospheric and beautifully described opening chapter but I wonder if enough has happened to grip the reader. Felt like it finished rather suddenly. Ch 2 Her hair had long since turned from flaxen to silver, tied in a bun and fixed in place with a long spike of hawthorn. -long / long! Wide, toothless grin, but, as always, her eyes seemed full of sorrow. -Changed 2 commas and extra space between always and her said Matthew. -I read a book on editing recently which says tagging dialogue in this way is no longer favoured and editors prefer – Matthew said - as it’s more natural “This box been here -i guess this is intentional to capture the dialect but obviously in standard English there should be a HAS, at the moment there is also an extra space between box and been = there are a lot of rogue spaces in this document, take a look at your spell check. 'Look properly,' said Nanna vaguely -editors and agents – so the same book tells me – don’t like being told the manner in which something is spoken, they expect it to be evident in the dialogue. We can tell that she isn’t explaining in great detail so the “vaguely" isn’t necessary “The words on this page hold the greatest secret of all, Jack. They hold the way to a whole new world.” Jack’s eyes shone with excitement . 'Ready?' -He doesn’t respond to this incredible revelation, so if you don’t have him saying anything to me it seems like you should at least tell us he was lost for words. After the third go, he managed to roll his tongue as she had. -I believe that tongue rolling is genetic, you’d either be able to do it first time or not at all. all the clocks have to be gone." -The clock is the whole head not the individual seeds Inside, the dandelion lay undisturbed amongst the petals -comma bare stalk back in the box and slid it back under his bed. -back / back – I’d get rid of the first one He looked up, rubbing the back of his neck, and -second comma landing headlong into a deep bank of snow -I don’t think you can land into something – falling headlong into... or... landing headlong on... It was good to see the lad happy. -Is he happy ? I thought the evil black shape had just caught his attention and that was why he was transfixed – it’s a strange note to end the chapter on after such an ominous image. I'll definitely keep reading. Your pitch is intriguing, though I think it probably gives a bit too much away and skips over everything I have read so far. You have a real talent for description and mood setting. This is very impressive stuff! Six stars and a promise of backing as soon as I have some space. Best of luck, Benedict

I am here for our reading swap and I have read the first three chapters of your hauntingly beautiful book. To be honest I can't fault with it at the moment. I must read more, but all I can see is a wonderfully told story that is highly polished and original. I love the jumper, the dandelion clocks and the magic and I love the relationships you have already managed to build between Jack and his parents and grandmother. This reads as if it is already published and if it's not, it should be. And this is the third or fourth book in as many days that demands to be placed on my shelf. Until I do so, it will be placed on my WL. Only one nitpick: 'Your Da has no choice, fishing's all Matthew knows' May be better as 'all he knows. Highly starred, highly recommended. All the best Julia Shadow Jumper Excellent work.

This is lovely writing. The voices are authentic sounding and the hints of an Irish accent are convincing without being overdone. There are some beautiful descriptions of the natural landscape and I like the way you use all of the senses, for example, I feel I can smell the seaweed smell of Da's jumper. In the first chapter you give a hint of what is too come in the strange reflection. I loved 'ripple-wrinkled face' I like the later foreshadowing too, the broken mast on the toy boat, Da going to see without his lucky jumper and the fly caught in the spiders web. By this time my heart was in my mouth and I knew something was going to go horribly wrong. This is a great opening and I wish you every success with your story High stars from me. Kirstie The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

This is beautifully written. The opening is lovely - I could picture the boy standing on the pier. Your description is very good. I particularly like ' summer worn grass' and 'she wore the seasons like a shawl on her shoulders'. Your characters are all very 'real' and the dialogue flows naturally between them. Nana is a wonderful figure and it is she who introduces Jack to 'magic'. There is a nice father/son relationship here too. You introduce a sense of forboding when Jack sees 'a dark shape' on the hillside. With this, the magical elements and Jack having seen himself as an old man in the water, a wonderful story is going to follow. One typo 'This box (has?) been here all this time?' in chapter two otherwise it's all very polished. The writing is very well paced, witth atmosphere and rich characters. This is one of a number of fantasy stories I have read recently on the site but, I have to say, it is the best I have read so far. Starring it highly and wishing it all the luck it deserves. Will try and find some space for it on my shelf in the near future! Debbie Speedy McCready