hi alex, let me firstly say i really enjoyed the style of your book. i'm a little surprised we don't get the name of your narrator until well into c2 and he's not even mentioned in the pitch, although it didn't actually spoil my enjoyment. nitpicks- there's a few sentences where i imagine your brain was struggling to find the correct word(s)-welcome to the club. i offer you a few alternatives. the time of death was impossible(comma) certainly(especially) she was not now(no longer) going round camp as xmas(as a row of tents) she wasn't very tall, but was(more) the great ogre of sexual chemistry-THIS IS A GREAT LINE-don't change it! very interesting-shelved-TJ

Hi Alex. I've read everything you've got here (sorry it took so long). I think you're story is interesting and I like your voice. But I was having trouble with sentence structure. Sometimes it's a bit difficult to follow you. Nothing big. Nothing a quick read through wouldn't fix. All-in-all I think it is a good beginning.

Cut - 'all is not what it seems' from the pitch. It's a cliche and dozens of books on this site have used it. Your pitch needs to be longer with more hooks. You don't need 'quite' dead. Dead will do. Cut his adventures with women - just leave it at - he had never been very discreet. You have a lot of cliches - could have been another planet - had to take stock of her life - never raised its head. Find an original alternative. This could be good, but it needs a bit of work. Nothing drastic, just a bit of cutting to make you prose crisper. Get an individual cover as soon as you can to make your book stand out from the crowd. This one is on many a cover and it dilutes the attention. Joanna

Cut - 'all is not what it seems' from the pitch. It's a cliche and dozens of books on this site have used it. Your pitch needs to be longer with more hooks. You don't need 'quite' dead. Dead will do. Cut his adventures with women - just leave it at - he had never been very discreet. You have a lot of cliches - could have been another planet - had to take stock of her life - never raised its head. Find an original alternative. This could be good, but it needs a bit of work. Nothing drastic, just a bit of cutting to make you prose crisper. Get an individual cover as soon as you can to make your book stand out from the crowd. This one is on many a cover and it dilutes the attention. Joanna