Hi Lostock This was a surprise as I thought the book had gone into the authonomy dungeon for forgotten about books! I must see how you delete something from the site. I'm very happy you liked it enough to put it on your shelf but please don't spend your valuable time critiquing this. It's is an old draft and I have moved on a lot since I put this up, although it did prove very useful as it got me an interview at Harper Collins - Yes they do actually check the site and contact people! it didn't get me a deal but definitely helped me as a writer. So thank you for the offer but go do something fun instead :) You may be pleased to know that you were spot on with the age range comment, it's exactly what the editor said. Maureen [QUOTE] This is such a good, original idea. At first glance, and i do need to read it all of the way through admitedly, I believe you have an idea that would fly off the shelves. However, at first glance again and I will read it properly, I think you may find that some of the language and some of the ideas are challenging for *that* age range of children. What age range you may ask ? Well, face pulling is an idea that will appeal mainly to 6,7,8 year old children, in my experience by 9 or 10 they might want a more 'Rick Riordan' type of book. Consequently i'd wonder if the richness of certain ideas is a little challenging for 6 or 7. Do they know what a miner's hall is ? Is it sufficient to simply describe it as a hall ? Does the description of the reporters outfit give them anything ? Its what an older reader would want to know, but in trying to get into the mind of my son when he was 7, I think he may have prefferred to skip forward to the action and the funnies. I'm not sure. Its something i'm sure other people are better equipped to help you with and to research with you. I just wanted to say well done really, but also thought it best to have a go at some constructive feedback. Such a lovely idea, I think you are onto something with this. [ENDQUOTE]

This is such a good, original idea. At first glance, and i do need to read it all of the way through admitedly, I believe you have an idea that would fly off the shelves. However, at first glance again and I will read it properly, I think you may find that some of the language and some of the ideas are challenging for *that* age range of children. What age range you may ask ? Well, face pulling is an idea that will appeal mainly to 6,7,8 year old children, in my experience by 9 or 10 they might want a more 'Rick Riordan' type of book. Consequently i'd wonder if the richness of certain ideas is a little challenging for 6 or 7. Do they know what a miner's hall is ? Is it sufficient to simply describe it as a hall ? Does the description of the reporters outfit give them anything ? Its what an older reader would want to know, but in trying to get into the mind of my son when he was 7, I think he may have prefferred to skip forward to the action and the funnies. I'm not sure. Its something i'm sure other people are better equipped to help you with and to research with you. I just wanted to say well done really, but also thought it best to have a go at some constructive feedback. Such a lovely idea, I think you are onto something with this.

This brings back memories of ear wiggling (I'm a champ), tongue twisting (2 styles; the tube was easier for me than the turnover), thumb against wrist, a flexibility test (as a result of which I now have arthritis in my thumbs according to my doctor) and a host of other games we used to play as kids. For this reason, I think you've got an absolute winner here. Not sure about your pitch, however. I'd make it a bit clearer without losing the voice. When you're into the story itself, everything quickly becomes clear, but with the pitch, you don't have that luxury. BTW, I'm still laughing. Shelved enthusiastically. Cheers, Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

this is so much fun! and so original, as i'm sure others have told you. i could just see myself reading this to a class of 7 year olds and them LOVING it, and then going out at break time and trying the faces themselves! pure genius! deservedly on my shelf and i shall be buying 30 copies for my class when it comes out in paperback! best of luck with it! eva

Why isn't this book doing better?

Oh, this is so funny and unusual. I work in a library and can see an audience of kids screeching with laughter at this. It's such a witty idea and I can't wait to see how it unfolds. The title and cover are spot-on too. On my shelf.

Oh, this is so funny and unusual. I work in a library and can see an audience of kids screeching with laughter at this. It's such a witty idea and I can't wait to see how it unfolds. The title and cover are spot-on too. On my shelf.

Maureen, A great read. Will appeal to lots of young readers out there. I could find no gremlins, to coin a phrase. Well done. Pat.

Hi Maureen, What an enjoyable read! If James Joyce had written a book for children this would have been it. I love the language and the fantastic characters. It is the kind of book that would have fellow passengers on the train staring at this chap shaking with mirth in places. Wishing you every success at the publishing houses. Regards. Pat

Maureen, Oh my goodness, the silliness of this is classic. Wonderful fun! I don't have anything I would suggest changing. On my shelf, ML

Maureen, Oh my goodness, the silliness of this is classic. Wonderful fun! I don't have anything I would suggest changing. On my shelf, ML

Hi Maureen, This has gone on my bookshelf. Good stuff. Regards. Pat

Hi Maureen, Having read the first two chapters I know that this is the type of delicious writing that appeals to younger readers. I am going to get stuck into the rest over the coming days. Meaningful comments to follow. Regards. Pat.

Hi Maureen! Wow I love your book sooooo much. Never have I seen an idea like this!!!! It is fab!! Lyra

Maureen, this is fantastic. Really. This is, even for a jaded 37 year old doctor, laugh out loud funny. Perfectly pictched for children, easy (but not patronisingly so) to read, with splendid slices of naughtyness. I felt like building a paper airplane and throwing it at my wife! Thanks for this, on a personal level, because it made me remember all the things (It feels like it is aimed, primarily, at boys) I did when I was at school, and all the eye-rolling when my parents or teachers told me ridiculous alarm stories.....LOL. Very, very good. This will get published, without a doubt. It's unique. On my shelf. Martin. (My House on the Fjord)

LOL! This is good stuff. Just the right tone for children, and just the right pace. I don't really have any important criticism to make, other than that I think you should polish this and send it off to agents. Check my other reviews to see that I don;t say this an awful lot. I'll stick this on my shelf for a bit.

LOL! This is good stuff. Just the right tone for children, and just the right pace. I don't really have any important criticism to make, other than that I think you should polish this and send it off to agents. Check my other reviews to see that I don;t say this an awful lot. I'll stick this on my shelf for a bit.

Couldn't wait. Couldn't stop reading, had to back the brilliant BUG ! Where can I get a copy for my kids? Suggestions. I imagine you'll have it illustrated, but it hardly needs it, I would keep the illustrations to a minimum. I would add more domestic details, the crockery, the cup of tea, the gaudy curtains, the neighbours dog, the..... anything at all....Maybe would make it even more real and riveting. It could also easily be given a period setting..it's a bit Wallace and Gromitt! The aches and pains etc. make it real, you could add to this. You could widen this world, with judicious references, schools banning it, international playoffs, whatever, and set the scene for a sequel. That's all...really it doesn't need much reworking, you cracked it already! best of luck with it.....Mike

I love this - it's like reading a lost Roald Dahl novel. The character names and use of language are fantastic! I'm deifintely shelving this one! Ed (Mutant Toe)

Hi Maureen, Firstly, I'm sorry I've taken so long to get to this. I've read the first three chapters and you know what, it was MY loss. I'm stunned, I really am. This is possibly the most original story I've read on Authonomy. I'm not going to talk about how the writing is polished, and I have no helpful critique to give you, or about how this flows so smoothly, carrying the reader from page to page. This is just one of those few books on here that is special. I really have very few words to describe how impressed I am, and I've read some pretty good books in the last few days. This really stands out among the best. Would I buy this for myself? Probably not. But if there were any young boys in my family, I would buy it for them in a heartbeat. I have no clue about what children's fiction is like these days, so I can't comment on the marketability of the idea. I know I would have loved reading it while I was a kid, and really enjoyed what I've read thus far today. But I really hope this gets out there. Best of luck, Honestly, Vineet.

Hi Maureen, Firstly, I'm sorry I've taken so long to get to this. I've read the first three chapters and you know what, it was MY loss. I'm stunned, I really am. This is possibly the most original story I've read on Authonomy. I'm not going to talk about how the writing is polished, and I have no helpful critique to give you, or about how this flows so smoothly, carrying the reader from page to page. This is just one of those few books on here that is special. I really have very few words to describe how impressed I am, and I've read some pretty good books in the last few days. This really stands out among the best. Would I buy this for myself? Probably not. But if there were any young boys in my family, I would buy it for them in a heartbeat. I have no clue about what children's fiction is like these days, so I can't comment on the marketability of the idea. I know I would have loved reading it while I was a kid, and really enjoyed what I've read thus far today. But I really hope this gets out there. Best of luck, Honestly, Vineet.

What a fabulously funny book. I can just see children (and adults) loving this: ‘Dear Norbitt Many congratulations on winning the Chuddersfield Championship last week. The face you pulled was outstanding. Much funnier than Mr Tarbuckle’s whizzing eyes, which in my opinion is a bit overdone now. It was pure genius to make your tongue swing to the ticking of the grandfather clock, at the back of the Miner’s Hall. My head was still swaying in time ten minutes later! I’ve been right behind you all the way through your extreme face-pulling career,... And so now we know what is a “The Bloodcurdling Bug-Eyed Jawbreaker”!!! As for “I’ve petrified Peet”, well the rest of us are just rocked with amusement. Gurner Gobbit, Gradley Aardacre,Beady Arc Aturr,Mr and Mrs Picklethwaite, and the rest...what a wonderful collection of names and characters. “Why didn’t they write that on the instructions! Why didn’t they put a warning on it... What sort of idiot keeps something that another idiot could accidentally find? And USE!” I think a lot of children will be delighted that “they” didn’t and that one idiot did keep something for further use. “‘Steam him,’ said Graicy. ‘Iron his face. Hang him upside down in a vat of boiling oil. Shake him.’... ‘Scare him" Gurner’s eardrums almost exploded. ‘Stop it. Dad, tell her to stop.’ Children are going to find this an absolute hoot of a story. Funny, creative, and fresh. Backed.

Hi Maureen. I was basically going to put all this stuff down here but I see Andrew has beaten me to it. Fun yes, loads of fun. reading this brought the mischevious little boy out it me. (I never was one so I think the world is well overdue.) Roald Dahl? In the nicest possible way, yes this is wonderfully Dahlesque! Definitely one for litte boys with thoughts of sticking gum on his teacher's chair or putting superglue on the toilet seat just before granny goes in there. Love this, goin on my shelf! All the best. Phil (Dreamspiller)

Maureen, just a great sort of Roal dahlish childrens book. Well done. shelved on mirit Paul S (Poppy Skiffles and the wood twixie)

The Blood Curdling Bug-Eyed Jaw Breaker Hi Maureen, Wow, simply, wow. What fun, what glorious, anarchic fun, Roald Dahl for the 21st century this is, loved the play on words at the beginning, Do, Do Not, Do...the characters are larger than life, the writer delivers in a seemingly effortless way that we don't notice because it is so focused on delivering this weird and wonderful story, will be backing shortly - best of luck with this, best wishes - Andrew W.

The Blood Curdling Bug-Eyed Jaw Breaker Hi Maureen, Wow, simply, wow. What fun, what glorious, anarchic fun, Roald Dahl for the 21st century this is, loved the play on words at the beginning, Do, Do Not, Do...the characters are larger than life, the writer delivers in a seemingly effortless way that we don't notice because it is so focused on delivering this weird and wonderful story, will be backing shortly - best of luck with this, best wishes - Andrew W.

This is such fun, Maureen. I can imagine you writing it and chuckling away. Sandblasting.... genius! For a while I though, eow, but then the humour took over and I got into the it big time. Shelved. Nicky.

Shelved today! It's fun and different. I know lots of kids that would adore this. My friends daughter would love it. Good luck with the book. Definitely appealing to adults too. Kelly Vodka & Eggs on Ice

My god, I haven't read a children's book for years now.... What a refreshing read!

This is fantastic. I like to back humorous writing and this starts them laughing young.

Maureen: I think the story is suitably icky to impress your target gender and age group. It's quite funny and wierd enough to stand out. I suspect it will go far when it hits the printed page. Jeanne

Barmy, mad, insane and silly. Can't fault your writing at all. Shelved.

Eeeeeeewwwwww...... You will delight little boys everywhere with this. I'm laughing as my stomach churns... Maybe you should put a warning on the cover 'Not for the faint of heart, queasy of stomach... It has to go on my shelf. MAP

Wonderfully written. It wasn't my cup of tea, but I read the whole thing wishing I had a print version to read to my younger siblings. Doing the voices and being grotesque would be fun. I can't give much con-crit on a children's book. I liked it and I'm pretty sure my younger brothers would love it. (Farts, rats, pulling faces...yup). On my revolving shelf eventually.

This is really fun! Did I already say that. And for some reason it reminds me of Mark Twain, though don't ask me to extrapolate. I'm horrible with American Lit. Best of luck. Shelved.

Great children's book. Highly imaginative. Will appeal to your target audience (and their parents). Well done! Michael The Last Coming out Story

Absolutely adorable! If my girls were younger, I would have loved reading this to them as we snuggled on the couch.

Maureen, Here is my review of your first chapter: I liked it! Your hook is intriguing and your narrative voice is solid. I really liked the beginning with the "Do not... do" sequence... very well done. The whole first chapter does a great job of building to the end where the last couple lines really bring it all home (especially the "exclusive when it all goes wrong" bit). You definitely have a writting style that will appeal to kids and I'll keep my eye on this book. There was one thing which concerned me about the beginning... Gobbit and Norbitt have very similar sounds and so for a moment I thought the letter was addressed to Gobbit. It was my own fault, but if I made it others might. When similar sounding names are introduced near each other it can be confusing. I'd suggest making the two names very distinct to make sure the reader knows the letter is not addressed to him. Alternatively, you could save Gurner's last name for later. However, this is just a suggestion. I only noticed one typo: "he knew the words off by heart" should probably be "he knew the words by heart." Best Wishes, Joseph

Hi Maureen, I absolutely love your imagination. Onto my shelf you go!

Hello, Maureen - saw you in the fora and thought I'd drop by. What a hugely inventive read. This reminded me of the thrill I used to get when the new Roald Dahl book was delivered to my school as a child. The same great childishness combined with that ever so slightly sinister edge that could be found more obviously in 'Tales of the Unexpected'. Lovely stuff. Here are my random thoughts, as they occurred: - "warning - do not follow these instructions": from the start we know what kind of book we will be getting. Priceless; - loved all your character names; - you need to be consistent with your use of hyphens and capitals in all your wonderful face-pulls: you have "Bug eyed", "Bug Eyed" and "Bug-Eyed". Go with the latter, I think; - "face[-]pulling" / "gut[-]churning": similarly, need the hyphens; - some lovely phrases and wording: "faster than a kipper could swim" was my fave, along with the spectacular hiding place for the instructions; - great chpt endings generally, but particularly so in chpt 3. You capture the moment of 'oh shit' perfectly. Glad to see you climbing the charts so swiftly. I shall assist with a moment on my shelf. If you could spare 5 mins and drop by my own particular nonsense, 'Pistols', you'd be a most welcome visitor. Would love to hear your thoughts. Best of luck with 'Gurner' - sestius

Hi Maureen, What a wonderful, refreshing, marvelous read. I am young again reading it and I want to pull a face and scare my husband silly. You have a winner! Don't ever stop trying to get it published. I'm wondering if you might take time to read my book. It is losing ground fast and I don't know why. Best to you, Muriel

There's some outstanding observational detail in this which I think is what makes it stand out. I'm not sure what age range you've got in mind, but I'm guessing 9-11. One of the keys to success here will be finding an illustrator worthy of what you've written, someone like Nick Sharratt, the illustrator for Jacqueline Wilson's Tracy Beaker novels. I really enjoyed it. You economise on the detail, but you've got such an eloquent way of writing that it never feels stinted. Bookshelved with pleasure.

still on shelf - love this

What a great story. Gruesome to say the least but what a lot of fun. My boys are going to love this and so will many others. I've only read up to ch 3 put look forward to reading on. Selved! All the best, Regards, Gayle ( The Granny Mafia) :)

Well YAY. Fun! I enjoyed this so much!! It's got something of the charm of the great Roald Dahl stories like 'The Twits' but also it's got its very own wacky, ghastly, delightful humor. Wow will little boys ever love this ... I can just see my brother attempting to act out the Blood-Curdling Bug-Eyed Jawbreaker parts as he reads it aloud. I read the first five chapters and then I am ashamed to say I CHEATED and skipped to the end because I could not take the suspense any longer. Tremendous wind-up for the finale. I can't see a syllable I would alter. Beautifully done in every way. It's a six! Shelf-o-rama. Thanks for a lovely read--Maria.

Hi Maureen The first thing that attracted me was this brilliant cover. I just had to take a closer look and then was reeled in by your hook. Here are my thoughts as I read: Got sucked in right away. Sometimes reading off of a screen feels hard on the eyes, but with this my eyes kept skipping forward and before I knew it, I was finished with a sentence…then a paragraph…then… well you get my drift. Easy to read and nice flow to your story. *snort haha ‘face pulling career’ EYEBALL OIL??? Haha man oh man this just keeps getting more interesting *laugh…snort…chuckle” ooh and an ominous warning on the perils of face pulling! I only have one regret about reading this story….that it’s not in stores right now! I wish I could order it for my collection and read it with some of my students (I’m a youth librarian) to get their reaction, I think they would love this. I know I did! Shelved! Norma (The Essence)

I can only echo what every other comment has said - this is funny, original, and perfectly pitched for children. It's wacky enough to appeal to young boys, who anyone will tell you are some of the hardest audiences to reach, so very well done. Good luck with this. Shelving. Hattie xx

Hi Maureen, It continued strong with antics and mischief. I'm glad he won the stage in the end (loved the pollen spreading). Shelved! Katherine

Hi Maureen Will swop with pleasure. This is the fun it looks. I'll watch your progress with great interest knowing I was part of your launching into the literary stratosphere. Keep asking those questions of yourself and keep writing down the answers. Rick gammons (Touching Bottom)

Ooh, all the things I love - shades of Dahl ++whacky++ I'm backing this.

It's 'orrible and I love it! Is it just me or does all readers sit in front of their monitor following the instructions? Dislocating the jaw works better after the second glass of red. You are on to a winner with this, ridiculously, amusing and engaging story; kids will relish it. Good Luck

This is excellent writing! And a whole story about making a face! Impressive!!! :) Going on my shelf! ….“Exspth”….lol …made me smile.

Gotta love this stuff.

Funny, well-written, unique--the marks of a real winner. This is going on my shelf.

Drat you, drat you to heck! I absolutely love this. Your writing makes me wilt physically at my computer. How can this be so good? You, my dear, are shelved!

Original is the only word I can find and it just keeps repeating itself. Original idea, original plot and original characters. My children would have loved this. On my shelf Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Very funny. Quirky. Children will love this book. Shelved without reservation. Best of luck with this. Rona

Bwah-ha-ha! Fantastic! This brings me back to the little villages around Leeds in my childhood. What a great, silly, ridiculous story. It's like Spike Milligan crossed with John Lennon and Roald Dahl. Very funny, although I do confess that having just eaten I did feel a bit sick reading the instructions on how to do the Jawbreaker. I don't think I'll be following the instructions either, although it would be a dream come true to win the Ugly Mug. One of the most stand out original stories on here and it's nutty enough for kids of all ages to enjoy, just like AA Milne. Brill!

Brilliantly original and lots of fun. I found the first half of chapter two a little difficult. I lost track of who was saying what and why. The face pulling was also a little too extreme for me. I'd have been happier with something a bit more physically possible, but still repulsive. Small potatoes though in what is a hugely enjoyable story. I think it would also be a great story to read to a child. They'd get a big kick out it. I'm definitely putting it on my bookshelf. - Adrian Ellis (Copper Book).

Hello Maureen, A friend suggested your MS for a read, and I'm so glad he did! I've read five chapters, and I want my kids to be able to read this!! (Actually, I'd like to read it TO them... I've been trying the 'unhinged jaw' speak, and I'm getting quite good. Just keep drooling a little, that's all!) You've a great imagination, and you've infused some genuine emotion into the relationships between characters. And, it goes without saying, you have an awesome sense of humor! I'd read on, but it's after one a.m. and I have a few quick chores before bedtime, so I'll be back later. How lucky we are that you've posted the whole thing! Best wishes to you. I will put you on my shelf as soon as I rearrange it. 'Night. Karen

Maureen, OH MY GOODNESS! What a wacky, funny, weird story! Just the kind that kids love. So original, just when I think Authonomy writers have pushed the boundaries on evey genre, wham! You did it again. On my shelf. Good luck with this. Jeff

This is just wonderful and I echo the comments of the ones just below me--this should be a movie. I would adore to see it. But you write so wonderfully that I do see it. I love too that you've done all this with real people -- not magic, but real honest fun kid stuff. I will back this with pleasure. Debbie 14k

Just love this straight from the cover and the title. So So So refreshing. On watchlist.

Hi Maureen, This was a gas. Somehow you have kept your own realm of images and characters going without illustration. I liked the whole unreality of it all, the sandblasting, the threat of being thrown down a mine shaft, the weird similes. ("The fishy smell soaked into his pores and wafted around the room faster than a kipper can swim.) That word, cartoony, really fits here and reading this makes the blunders in a day seem easy to remedy. That's why I think kids would like it. It's on my WL right now and I will be looking at it again when I have more shelf space - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Maureen, Hehehe - thank you. I needed that :-) Nice, catchy pitch :) 'Far enough out to jiggle - not dangle.' Had me rolling around, that one. Nice touch with the char name 'Gurner' - a play on Girner (as in face-girner?) 'Faster than a kipper could swim' - you're very, very clever and I like your humour a lot. Lots of this wonderful sample reminded me of the out-and-out hilarity of Angry Kid...if you've ever seen that masterpiece. I'm commenting now - and backing - but I'll be back for more giggles after breakfast. Best of luck, --Jack Ramsay

AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!!! ILOVE IT! I am absolutely HOOKED! IT's as though Robert Munsch started writing books for slightly older children. Fantastic! I gave a little - uch! - everytime you mentioned eyeballs popping out but in that delicious way you do as a child, like when you find slime at the side of a pond and even though it's completely revolting you camn't stop playing with it. TOTALLY SHELVED!!!!!! A++++++ Will be back for more! Can't wait to see what happens next! Maria x

Dear Maureen, I have read your pitch, synopsis, first two chapters and have placed The Bloodcurdling Bug Eyed Jawbreaker on my bookshelf. Very good. Now I know I’m not the only one on Authonomy who’s totally insane which gives me a bit of comfort. I don’t fault the story or the writing, but if you did anything, it might be to pare the longer bits. There are notes on this below. Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, three in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read. So I’m trying another way of passing on information. I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either. What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published. The pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch. A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her. Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’ Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller. There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print.. I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting. Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us……………. Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it. I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed. Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage. Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.) Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb. (Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.) And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work. My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking. Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover. All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint. Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural. In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it. To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant. I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague. And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted. Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%. I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published. Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words. You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters.. I trust this is better than a critique and helps a little. Kind regards, Pierre.

Can't wait to read this. Your cover is genious, it drew me in straight away and I love your hook! Norma (The Essence)

elevated to shelf - a sheer delight.

Maureen What can I say? Terrific! Shelved! Kathrin

Funny, unusual and disgusting - what more could a child want? I know several little boys who I would definitely recommend this to.

first, love the cover. second the title. third, the style of writing. unconventional and fantastically written, moving up watchlist...nearer shelf

[QUOTE] Well, what can I say? I tried and tried but just couldn't get my tongue to loll far enough. The story reminds me of a case described in Last's Regional Anatony. It was a comedian who could flick his eyes out of their sockets and wizz them around - no kid. They got infected and the infection spread up his optic nerves and he got meningitis and died. Hope that doesn't happen to Gurner at such a tender age! Don't do this at home! I loved this story. it is extremely well written and grabs you, pulling you into its fictive dream and you are there, pulling faces like a pro. Well done Maureen. it's excellent. BWS Fred [ENDQUOTE] Oh no! the PC brigade did warn me that people might try it and I would be sued in America! Now I am really worried. Oh MY Gord!

Well, what can I say? I tried and tried but just couldn't get my tongue to loll far enough. The story reminds me of a case described in Last's Regional Anatony. It was a comedian who could flick his eyes out of their sockets and wizz them around - no kid. They got infected and the infection spread up his optic nerves and he got meningitis and died. Hope that doesn't happen to Gurner at such a tender age! Don't do this at home! I loved this story. it is extremely well written and grabs you, pulling you into its fictive dream and you are there, pulling faces like a pro. Well done Maureen. it's excellent. BWS Fred

A fun read!! Bravo, Ci

Hi Maureen, First off, this is a great idea. One of those, How didn’t I think of this? moments hit me on reading. Character names are fantastic. I love a bit of originality with names. The tension you build up before he does the face is really effective. I kept thinking, Hurry up and do it, but you kept holding off. The names of the other faces are great too. It’s almost like Zoolander with his Blue Steel and Magnum pouts. Awesome book. On the shelf. Cheers, Ste ;> p.s If you get the chance please check out my book Twistwood. Wild West fantasy-horror for teenagers and young adults.

Oh, I've backed it BTW

Good Gord this is funny! Great stuff here - very unique...Its a real page-turner for children.

I love your book cover, very funny, and your pitch is good too - short and to the point. This is a fun read, plenty going on to keep a reader interested. I love your touches of humour and I think your book will appeal to your target audience very much. I have no nit-picks and must thank you for an enjoyable hours read ;-) Shelved! Best wishes, Annabelle (Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

Hi Maureen. This is a delightful, well paced comedy. You do well introducing the challenge and then stirring in the outstanding character of Peet to elevate the energy. Your descriptions are spot on. Your boys are darling. Your dialogue is smooth. I placed this on my shelf and send my best regards. Janet Marie

[QUOTE] This is great fun and so creative, where'd you get these ideas? I love it. [ENDQUOTE] In the bath! Glad you love it and thanks :) Maureen

This is great fun and so creative, where'd you get these ideas? I love it.

Dear Maureen, The Bloodcurling Bug Eyed Jawbreaker is great fun, extremely well written and I am sure will be a hit with boys (and everyone who can still remember being a boy) everywhere. You plug into the mentality of children so well - the imagination, playfulness, and the downright obstinacy not to do what they are told! Very entertaining stuff. On my bookshelf, with many thanks, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

I've read this hilarious tale somewhere else and enjoyed it. Still enjoyed it, so it's on my shelf. Good luck and best wishes Sue

This is a work of genius! Weird? Yeah. Wonderful? Definitely. Fun? You bet! A completely hilarious romp that had me chuckling from start to finish - and the writing's brilliant. This grown up boy loved it. Pity there weren't books like this around when I was a kid. Like others who have commented I reckon it would make a fantastic movie. Well done, Maureen!

[QUOTE] After the day I had, I really needed The Bloodcurdling Bug Eyed Jawbreaker! Thank you, a fun read! Sincerely, H. W. Baker [ENDQUOTE] Glad you liked it and hope you have a better day today :) Maureen

After the day I had, I really needed The Bloodcurdling Bug Eyed Jawbreaker! Thank you, a fun read! Sincerely, H. W. Baker

Gets funnier every time I read it. Excellent!

Great fun! I'm not half way through yet and I've chuckled out loud a number of times (4). Somebody mentioned Wallace and Grommit somewhere and that's exactly how I see it! There's a lot of speech which I prefer my books not to have, but I guess that's just a question of taste. I will continue to read when there's time!

EUWEE! This is revolting - I LOVE IT! Squeeze left eyeball until it protrudes out of socket... Faster than a kipper could swim... A fine crop of acne... Just a very few of the brilliant lines. The instructions were just soo grose, I was laughing, and I mean proper laughing. I usually read three chapters, but i'm already on chapter nine. Thanks for this, I totally agree it should be made into a film like Wallace and Grommit, I love 'Horrid Henry' (kids TV programme) but this is much, much more fun. Shelved, good luck. Janie.

Wow thanks TJ. Genius! I LOL and danced around the room :) Checked out the windowsill comment, it came out as one word on word and on Dictionary.com. but when I googled it the people who make them use two words - window sills. So I will go with you and the manufacturers and change it - gives me an excuse to upload it again and get it noticed! Thanks, Maureen [QUOTE] this is genius. i'd love to see this made into a film by the people who make wallis and grommit-it would be a cert BIG HIT. only those with no sense of humour will fail to enjoy it. can't wait until i have time to finish it. tiniest nitpick-window sill(two words)-i only noticed this because it was the first line, after that i was lost in your humourous wonder. A MUST READ FOR ALL_SHELVED_TJ [ENDQUOTE]

this is genius. i'd love to see this made into a film by the people who make wallis and grommit-it would be a cert BIG HIT. only those with no sense of humour will fail to enjoy it. can't wait until i have time to finish it. tiniest nitpick-window sill(two words)-i only noticed this because it was the first line, after that i was lost in your humourous wonder. A MUST READ FOR ALL_SHELVED_TJ

Very funny, very silly, very well done.

That's just stunning. Fits of laughter all round. From the title to the instructions to the revelation about Norbitt... Absolutely brilliant. Being hyper-critical, I haven't a clue where anything happens. I'm not sure it matters, but a line or two to set the scene might be nice. If there was something, I'm afraid I missed it. I'm not sure if I should be reading the voices as hailling from Yorkshire or Tennessee or Sweden... But that's a minor point. It's excellent.

That's just stunning. Fits of laughter all round. From the title to the instructions to the revelation about Norbitt... Absolutely brilliant. Being hyper-critical, I haven't a clue where anything happens. I'm not sure it matters, but a line or two to set the scene might be nice. If there was something, I'm afraid I missed it. I'm not sure if I should be reading the voices as hailling from Yorkshire or Tennessee or Sweden... But that's a minor point. It's excellent.

That's just stunning. Fits of laughter all round. From the title to the instructions to the revelation about Norbitt... Absolutely brilliant. Being hyper-critical, I haven't a clue where anything happens. I'm not sure it matters, but a line or two to set the scene might be nice. If there was something, I'm afraid I missed it. I'm not sure if I should be reading the voices as hailling from Yorkshire or Tennessee or Sweden... But that's a minor point. It's excellent.

That's just stunning. Fits of laughter all round. From the title to the instructions to the revelation about Norbitt... Absolutely brilliant. Being hyper-critical, I haven't a clue where anything happens. I'm not sure it matters, but a line or two to set the scene might be nice (if there was something, I'm afraid I missed it). I'm not sure if I should be reading the voices as hailling from Yorkshire or Tennessee or Sweden... But that's a minor point. It's excellent.

That's just stunning. Fits of laughter all round. From the title to the instructions to the revelation about Norbitt... Absolutely brilliant. Being hyper-critical, I haven't a clue where anything happens. I'm not sure it matters, but a line or two to set the scene might be nice (if there was something, I'm afraid I missed it). I'm not sure if I should be reading the voices as hailling from Yorkshire or Tennessee or Sweden... But that's a minor point. It's excellent.

Sorry about the repeating comments..It kept taking me to an error page so I kept at it..:)

a tiny 'help'...Oh God that was funny...I haven't read anything this silly in a very very long time...It's going on my shelf. You've written a delightfuly funny story here Maureen and I know (for a fact) children would love this book. Thanks for the laughs, Jan

a tiny 'help'...Oh God that was funny...I haven't read anything this silly in a very very long time...It's going on my shelf. You've written a delightfuly funny story here Maureen and I know (for a fact) children would love this book. Thanks for the laughs, Jan

a tiny 'help'...Oh God that was funny...I haven't read anything this silly in a very very long time...It's going on my shelf. You've written a delightfuly funny story here Maureen and I know (for a fact) children would love this book. Thanks for the laughs, Jan

a tiny 'help'...Oh God that was funny...I haven't read anything this silly in a very very long time...It's going on my shelf. You've written a delightfuly funny story here Maureen and I know (for a fact) children would love this book. Thanks for the laughs, Jan

This is absolutely brilliant! I so enjoyed reading it. It's vibrant, funny, well-paced and very well written. A totally unique and intriquing concept with strong characters. Well done. It's going on my shelf, for sure.

Silly, silly, silly. Shelved.

My dear Maureen, Incredible, wonderful, fun, original, and beautifully written. I can see this as a movie and as a book with great illustrations. Thanks for getting back in touch. Will shelve the book in the next day or two. Congratulations on the best whimsy I've read in a long time. J.