Like this. backed. Abel kane The Alchemists' Cookbook

Muirae Your cover is awesome. Your plot extremely imaginative and stirring. Very impressive. backed

this is real quality writing for the YA audience – smooth, sure, cadenced and strong . cora’s ability to summon animals, her brother flea (great name!) – strong of spirit but small and weak – and their quest to find the solas-taistealai (not the easiest word for a reader to keep in their head??) . this is a great story with plenty of scope to appeal to both genders equally and with some lovely imagery – i’m happy to back this book and i wish you well with it . freddie ("honour")

The Light Traveler's Child-- Muirae, Your pitch intrigued me, so I had to read. I read through the first two chapters with ease. You write very well and I was impressed and captivated. The voice is great and I think you could tighten up a bit, but not much. Your descriptions are beautiful and I think this will appeal to your target audience. My ideas....(these are just my ideas, and I'm no professional just a reader who loves to write- so take it or leave it). I think chapter one starts out a little slow. I really like it ... but it didn't grab me right away. Now Chapter two....theres a gripping first chapter and it's quite long. I think with a little reconfiguring you could really make this a powerful beginning (which is what you need in a short attention span of the YA world). I would even end the first chapter (which is currently the 2nd chapter now) end it right before the bird attacks Vastian. "But this time the sound came swooping down from high out of the dark sky" The biggest edit thing I noticed is words missing…which is what I am famous for. A good edit or reading out loud would help you find these. At any rate... I love this, love the voice and the characters, they are so real and believeable. Just thought I'd add my two cents. Like I said ... take it or leave it. On my shelf. ~Krista Darrach --Riley's Gift Gift

Because the website is currently acting up and I cannot read your book (or any other book), you are SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book. Cheers! JC The Obergemau File

I really like what I'm seeing here for this story! I've been reading a lot of YA this summer and I honestly feel that this fits a long with some published works out there (Percy Jackson series, Magyk, etc.) I hope that you continue working on this and that it's discovered on this site. For now I'm WL it until I have time to read more, but you'll likely go on my shelf soon. Take care. :)Tatiana

The Light-Traveler's Child... I've read your partial and I'll be back because you have me well and truly hooked. C.1 hooked me, then c.2 even more, and then c.3...well, I didn't want to stop reading. Based on this partial, I believe this novel will find an agent and a publisher. Flea is absolutely convincing and adoptable (I'd adopt him in a minute!) Although your writing style is totally yours and vastly different from Tolkien, your story has some echoes there, but is sufficiently different to stand above the crown. I have no writing nits...not to say that there aren't any, but I didn't notice them. This is great stuff, seriously great stuff. Shelved enthusiastically. Cheers, Sheryl IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

The Light-Traveler's Child... I've read your partial and I'll be back because you have me well and truly hooked. C.1 hooked me, then c.2 even more, and then c.3...well, I didn't want to stop reading. Based on this partial, I believe this novel will find an agent and a publisher. Flea is absolutely convincing and adoptable (I'd adopt him in a minute!) Although your writing style is totally yours and vastly different from Tolkien, your story has some echoes there, but is sufficiently different to stand above the crown. I have no writing nits...not to say that there aren't any, but I didn't notice them. This is great stuff, seriously great stuff. Shelved enthusiastically. Cheers, Sheryl IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

This is a great story, Muirea. I particularly liked Flea and Robert. One small nit pick - the space between your paragraphs is distractingly large. Probably the best way to overcome this is to upload it all with the same space between lines and paragraphs - possibly double space. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

You, my dear, are quite an accomplished writer. This is a beautifully written story. I love Flea. Even the name evokes a certain image. You have a way with words that makes them more than what they are. You turn them into magic. The promise of adventure in the quest for the Solas-thing (sorry, bad memory), makes me wish you had more posted. Have you finished the story? If so, are you planning on posting it all? I'd love to keep reading. It is an honour to give it some shelf space. Cheers! Jamie (The Unlikely Witch)

Muirae, this is an excellent strong story, with very clear and solid characters, immediate sympathy for the good in the face of immediate threats from the bad, very colorful, very dramatic. Congratulations! Shelved, Robin

Wow! That got exciting very quickly, Muirae. The fight with Vastian was edge-of-the-seat stuff. I was also struck by the delicious use of language: 'a mantle of disarray'. 'toadish, with a wide slash-like mouth and bulging eyes'. 'treed by a rabid dog'. 'chattering foliage'. 'You must learn to know with more than your eyes'. Poor Flea, whose body isn't yet as big and strong as his emotions. Poor Cora, the younger sibling and a girl, to boot, cursed with a wonderful gift, yet she 'really, really hates boys' :o) Poor Robert, stuck between the two of them. I think these charming characters and the colourful writing will ensure this adventure continues to be as exciting and intriguing as the opening chapters. I shall happily give it my backing. Possible tiny tweaks: I think (I'm no expert) that the 'which' in the opening paragraph should be a 'that' - only pointing it out because it is so near the beginning. 'He did believe ... Who would have believed' (two 'believes' close together).

Dear Muirae, Nice visual imagery of Flea, putting him in a well-described setting. However, suggest pulling another sentence out of the opening paragraphs, just a stronger hook. Maybe the funny nicknames of the cottage? "as different as mud and milk" nice! Strong ending to Ch 1, as well as great start to Ch 2. Marvelous: his head canted to the side, nose to the sighing wind. Wonderful sense of pacing in Ch 2 – the suspense with Vastian approaching is palpable. Flea wondering where were Robert and Aortiz doesn't make logical sense, since Flea just sent Robert off to get Aortiz a few paragraphs prior. The fact that Cora is furious with Flea is confusing. He had to save her, she was in a dire condition. It seems to thie reader that she should be grateful rather than upset. Superb opening chapters, well-defined action, characters, pacing. I would definitely continue with this story! Shelved.

Hi Muirae, I came across your book looking through the YA list. Since we both write YA scifi/fantasy, I was interested in your premise. For a first review, I'll do short pitch, long pitch and chapter 1. If you would care to swap longer reads, I'm open to that as well. Short Pitch: Very gripping, with strong images (as a woman who lost her mother as a teenager, that really caught my attention). Long Pitch: You do a great job of weaving the plot into questions. This can be a difficult convention to pull off and you do it very, very well. Chapter One: Nice opening setting. Small Flea trying to be quiet. I like the image of his too-large shirt -- makes him very sympathetic right away. My only comment here is that it got a little rhythmic in places (rutted cart path, bent oak tree, Larkwood's Common. Maybe change it up just a little?) Dialog tags (even in thought)...sighs, smiles, and grins can't talk...so maybe Flea "thought, with a sigh, when he was bigger..." Sorry - just a little nit of mine. I'm not one to get my knickers in a knot if you use "growled" or "yelled" occassionally though. : ) Love the description of Cora - her hair was painted beautifully. Is Nilessa Mom? And are we supposed to know she's the ill one in chapter 1? If so, that wasn't quite clear. If not -- ignore me : ) Also like the ending hook -- who is the mystery man? Lovely writing in this chapter. You define Flea as a character so quickly. Chapter 2: Wow - you make the bully evil effortlessly and fast. I struggle with overdoing them (I call that the mustache twirling effect). Vastian does get really too evil by the end of the chapter, but it adds to the tension. Your call on whether or not to dial him back. Echoes -- resuse of a word in rapid succession: In the scene where Cora kicks Vastian -- you use surprise in back-to-back sentences...may consider changing one. In the "It was no mystery" paragraph -- attribute that aside to Flea's thoughts...otherwise it sounds like the author is "telling" us something... Not sure I believed Aortiz's advice...in that moment, it was literally all Flea could do....felt like Flea was being scolded for saving his sister. But understand that not being scolded might be a story limiting move. Aortiz's voice seems just a little weaker than the children's (I read a bit of chapter 3). He sounds like the wise old shaman - but without a quirk to make him more three-dimensional. Might consider hardening him a bit? Overall -- this story is well-told, ripe with tension, and given a cast of main characters I came to care for (or in Vastian's case -- hate with a passion) in a short period of time. I enjoyed this immensely. This merits my shelf -- best of luck! KinDallas Switch

Muirae, Here's my thoughts on your first chapter: You've got a very descriptive opening paragraph... and create a vivid image of Flea in the reader's mind (careful, scawny). You could probably tighten up the prose a bit more, especially in the longer sentences, but overall I liked it. I'd watch out for making sentences that are overly long. They could confuse your intended audience and that would be a shame because you write well. So I'd recommend breaking the bigger sentences up. Do you use Microsoft word? If so, you can turn on a reading level estimator under the spelling/grammar check options. It's a great help in figuring out how difficult your sentences are to read. It's not perfect, but it it is a tool you can use. I liked the nicknames for the cottage... nice touch. ;) Another thing you might want to do is get a good children's thesaurus that includes all the words children would normally use up to your target grade level. My favorite to use is the Children's Writer's Word Book for grades K-6. It really helps to keep adult words from slipping into the text. It's fine to have a few, but you don't want to knock any of your young readers out of the text just because of your word choice (ex: mantle [4th grade], disarray [5th/6th grade] dainty [6th grade+], etc.). There are a lot of other word choices you could make that aren't as high level as these and I think it would make your narrative sound more youthful. I should know... I have a children's book filled with adult words and although my young readers liked my story... they didn't like tripping over "adult" words. It brings the story to a stop for them. As such, I'm going back through my book line by line and finding more youthful alternatives. Note: I realize your main character is 14 years old (I think, see below) and so he might know these words, but I get the idea that he doesn't have a formal education and so I'd just be careful with the higher level words since they sound odd to me. However, this is a personal opinion and you can feel free to ignore it ;) I liked your dialogue between the characters. It sounds youthful and genuine. I did wonder about your character's age because you say "now at fourteen and twelve she"... I think you were trying to say now that Flea is fourteen and Cora is twelve, but the way you phrased it was confusing. I'd recommend finding a proofreader that is good at commas, I noticed a few missing and it's always good to have a couple grammar nerds on your side. They really can improve your writing by point out all the commas you've missed or misplaced ;) The cliffhanger at the end of the first chapter is good, but I think you'd do well to define the threat a bit more. You tell us Vastian is coming, but not who he is... I know you mention he's the town bully in the pitch, but make it clear to the reader who he is and perhaps show the main characters' reactions to seeing him come in their direction. Overall, I like your underlying writing and your characters, espcially Flea. It just needs a bit of polishing and I'm sure you'll get there with time. I'm going to shelve this, mainly because I like Flea and his baggy clothes... it's an image that sticks in my mind and that's important to me and you have good dialogue between your characters. Keep up the good work! ;) Best Wishes, Joseph

Hi Muirae. As I read I thought that this had echoes of Terry Brook's Shannara series, esp. the relationship between Flea and Cora. It was tense and exciting to read, with believable dialogue. I did think there were times when it was overwritten, as in the opening where you have 'slack, flapped, skulked, braced, danced and snaked' all in the space of one short paragraph, but otherwise the writing flowed well. In ch 1, you compare Robert and Cora to mud and milk. So might 'The other was Cora..' be better as, 'The milk was Cora..'? Also, 'a bit more quickly' is dodgy grammar. It should be 'a bit quicker..' Ch 2, 'the owl stopped chase..' either stopped chasing, or stopped *giving* chase. I think the latter sounds better. Vastian's blade 'flashed silver hot..' but the colour silver is usually perceived as cold. It didn't ring true for me. But you definitely have a great story here and I'm happy to shelve it. I hope you enjoy KING'S ENVOY as much. All the best, Cas.

Hi Muirae This is excellent. You write really well and the story just flowed as I read it. Some notes from me: Your pitch is excellent but quite dense with information. You may want to consider simplifying it slightly? I found it a little off-putting, although you obvioiusly have a great plot here Really excellent scene-setting and build up of dramatic tension in Chapter one. 'As different as mud and milk' - lovely! 'Now at fourteen and twelve...' I found this sentence confusing. Shouldn't it just be 'Now aged twelve...'? Ooh, great description of Vastian. isn't he a nasty? Loved the tense scene with Vastian but thought your POV slipped from time to time. May need to tighten that up so that we're firmly in Flea's POV for this? Loved Aoritz but found his use of language a little odd. Occassionally he slips into that 'faux sage' language that we get in novels like Lord of the Rings. This jars with the way the other characters speak - well, for me, at least Fantastic cliff-hanger ending in Ch 6 Definitely shelved and I would read more Sheila

Absolutely wonderful!! This one is easy to back. Lockjaw

'his small hands careful on the latch' - what a lovely phrase. i am won over already. yes, very good observation about the equalising power of the moonlight. now at the end of chapter one and really i can only say this is brilliant. the language, the children's politics, the character-building. i think it's all fabulous. straight on my shelf. maitreyi BLOGSPOT

Hi Muirae, Wow, this is very well written. I was pulled in right away. Flea (great name) is a wonderful character. Your sentence structure and pace is well constructed and I can’t find any flaws. Shelved! Shinzy :)

Muirae, Oh wow, oh wow!! I love this story!! Every once in awhile, I read something on here that, while I'm reading it, I think, surely this is a mistake. This has to already have been published! You create so much anticipation and wonder with the animals and even the leaves of the trees. The double attack by Vastian, the deeper story that Aortiz knows and Flea does not. A quest for a mysterious...thing, called the Solas-taistealai and then.....they have to leave NOW! Perfect! This is so well written for your target audience. How much of this do you have done? I want to find some time in the next month to read all of this! You are a story teller. I know, I'm starting to gush, but......wow, this one stays on my shelf.

Muirae, Oh wow, oh wow!! I love this story!! Every once in awhile, I read something on here that, while I'm reading it, I think, surely this is a mistake. This has to already have been published! You create so much anticipation and wonder with the animals and even the leaves of the trees. The double attack by Vastian, the deeper story that Aortiz knows and Flea does not. A quest for a mysterious...thing, called the Solas-taistealai and then.....they have to leave NOW! Perfect! This is so well written for your target audience. How much of this do you have done? I want to find some time in the next month to read all of this! You are a story teller. I know, I'm starting to gush, but......wow, this one stays on my shelf.

The Light-Traveler's Child Hi Muirae, What an intriguing and very different story, interesting characters in a well described setting. You have a good grasp of dialogue to increase the pace. Most people seem to have covered most bits already. I think you might want to look at how the cold behaves in the first paragraph, first it is fingers, then it snakes...my only criticism, constructive of course I hope, is some of the phrases used in some of the descriptions were a little hackneyed, the cold as fingers, shivers dancing up his spine...this contrasts with some of your wonderful phrasing as different as mud and milk, that was inspired. I am sure the minor issues I identify above would be easily resolved on the next re-write. A cracking concept for a YA novel, well done - Andrew W.

This is excellent. Well written with characters the reader can become friends (or enemies) with. You describe so much so well whicle not wasting words. The hunger, the surroundings and the attack by Vastaian. On my watch list till I get room on my shelf. Joanna

Muirae, This is really well-written and very confident in style. The only thing that annoyed me a bit is that I have no idea why Flea had to go outside and what they were all doing running around. Now I've read chapter 2, I can see it, but it wouldn't hurt putting a sentence in chapter 1 to set the scene a bit more. I'm going to shelve this.

As an amatuer writer I never think I have the right to nit pick so I never do. I realy like this book. it has a good steady pace. and I like science fiction anyway, also this is well written. I am 70 years old and my poor old eyes did find the small print a little hard, but then thats my body fault not yours. have to back this excellent work.

Very convincing. Love Flea, love the names (Aortiz ... wow). The silver-blue eyes certainly got me in (golden eyes are the norm!). Silver tears? Mmm. My only quibble is the unpronounceable 'Solas tais...' The length of the first chapter I thought was a bit offputting (later chapters make for a much faster read). Great work. Happy to back this.

Hi Muirae Comments on chapter 2: Swarkestone and Eldencastle - great place names This is cracking along well, with lots of little hints and teasers. still enjoying it. Not too much to criticise, so I'll just keep on reading. Nicole

Muirae, I love your writing style and your use of imagery is excellent, the 'icy wind' the 'over-large woollen shirt.' I could imagine the cold and 'see' Flea as the small child. The plot sounds intriguing from your pitch and from what I've read of the story, I'm sure your target audience won't de disappointed. I may have misread, so do forgive me but at the beginning, Cora's hair was a 'blue-black braid' but when it is hacked off by Vastian, you write 'confused pile of blonde hair and brown feathers.' Obviously the feathers belong to the owl, not sure about the hair! However, that is minor compared to the skilful writing so this goes on my shelf. Margaret. Candles in the Garden & The Spirit of the Butterfly.

THis is truly well written and conceived. You make it easy for us to follow! Sure, we can all do with tightening, but overall this is worth support. Happy to shelve for a time! Elaina Gathering of Rain

Hi Muirae, Your short pitch is intriguing and I’m sure it would attract teenage readers. You have done and excellent job on the blurb – enough information to draw us into the story and to ask what happens next, without giving away the plot. A good opening paragraph. You have some lovely description of the bitter wind and its icy fingers snaking under his collar. Just watch out for commas, it is usual to have a comma before ‘but’. Your first sentence mentions Flea’s small hands, so I assumed he was a young child, but then when he ‘braced himself against the wind’ I felt he must be older. Then he sighs and says ‘when he is bigger’ so I was back to thinking of him as a young child. Then we later learn that he is thirteen. Is there a medical reason why Flea is so small? Children like to read books where the main characters are 2-3 yrs older than they are, so I think you should establish his age at the beginning. They also like to identify with the main character, and often the main character is the underdog, but don’t make him too much of a wimp. “Hey ho! There we go! Flea? Psst.” This sounds a bit like the seven dwarfs are about to appear. The dialogue should sound natural, and I found your dialogue at bit formal for the ‘real world’ teenagers of today, but if your story is set in another time then it might be appropriate. The dialogue later in the story sounds more casual and natural. I like the way you are able to tie the dialogue to the action and thoughts of the characters. It moves the story along at a good pace. In the third paragraph you describe the main characters’ appearance and relationships. I found it a bit confusing trying to digest this information all at once. I would break it up and feed it in slowly. Your aim should be to make the reader absorb enough description to establish your setting, without being aware of what you are doing. When writing for children you have to be scrupulous about getting your facts right. “He was not a fox to be treed by a rabid dog.” A fox is also a canine, and while it is not impossible that it would climb a tree, I would look for a more usual metaphor. There will be a child out there somewhere who is an expert on foxes and will gleefully write to point out your mistake. As happened to a friend who wrote about the dog shedding hair on the upholstery and received a letter informing her that that particular breed does not shed. “Fiction is not a dream. Nor is it guess work. It is imagining based on facts, and the facts must be accurate or the imagining will not stand up.” Margaret C Banning. “Flea steadied his back on the tree, his eyes to the door of his home.” Not quite sure what you mean. Should it be ...his eyes on the door.....? Look for places where you can tighten the story. Every word should count, either to move the story forward or to reveal character. “In daylight the differences were apparent. Some gleamed with care, and others – including the place Flea called home – wore a mantle of disarray.” Instead of: “Vastian was walking towards them, unhurried.” Try: Vastian strolled towards them, striking a stick ominously on the ground. The pounding thump, thump, thump grew louder, and Flea knew that soon Vastian’s fist would be pounding his head if he didn’t run. His stomach knotted as he judged the distance between tree and house. Would he make it this time? He was so tired of running. Instead of: “.. his voice sharper than he meant it to be” Try: ..his voice sharper than he intended. You have Flea’s fingers curling round the frayed cuff of his shirt. This would indicate that the shirt sleeves are too long for him (if he is wearing a modern-day shirt). Perhaps you should mention the cuffs of his overlong sleeves, which would emphasise his smallness. Or describe their clothing if they live in a different world. I think you have an exciting story with lots of action that will appeal to readers of fantasy fiction. You have some lovely sense impressions, and this is often one of the most difficult things to portray. I would do another edit and try to tighten it before sending to a publisher. Good luck Just4kix

I cant find fault with this. I love Flea he's got everything the underdog can identify with. Flea and Robert's relationship is as good as Frodo and Sams.

I cant find fault with this. I love Flea he's got everything the underdog can identify with. Flea and Robert's relationship is as good as Frodo and Sams.

I think my confusion stemmed from the blond hair and the feathers when Vastian battled the owl after cutting off Cora's braid. I misread that to be Cora's hair tangled with the feathers. Sorry!

I enjoyed the story. Only thing that really stood out to work on is the length of some sentences. For instance, in chapter 1 you have this sentence: "All three children shared the same dark hair, Robert's and Flea's cut short, Cora's a blue-black braid as thick as a woman's wrist halfway down her back, but Robert was toadish, with a wide slash-like mouth and bluging eyes in a a broad face that matched his hulking body, where Cora and Flea were both pale with strange silver-blue eyes that made people stop and stare, and made them move quickly on when the children stared back for too long a time." That is one example of several overly long sentences I noticed. Also, at that point, Cora's hair is blue-black, but later it is blonde.

I like stories with bullies and Vastian is enough to make this interesting. I like how they try to figure out how to deal with him, what to do, and how to act around him. I'm not an expert when it comes to young adult or fantasy, but I enjoyed this. I don't have any advice, but I do have a question - it may show my ignorance. What is the name of their town? I may have just missed it but only saw things that mentioned cottages, etc. Any way, I enjoyed it. You've seemed to reach your target audience.

Hi Muirae This is terrific. The names, the world, the prose, it's all of a piece. You're on my shelf! Nicole

It made me sad that Flea’s home is called a “careening cottage.” And he is little! This poor guy is starting 10 paces down. Vastian the bully, great job making his arrival riveting. You create instant drama in the fight to save Cora. I would buy this book! On my shelf. Forgot to mention the cover...Wow! it is drawing all by itself. See you in print, Charity

Comments on Chapter 1... It's a nice start, with a well set scene, and expertly shown characters, even a slightly 3-dimensional villain. Only two quibbles. Firstly, exactly why were they out at night? That wasn't clear to me; it's almost as if they were tempting Vastian to turn up. And, lo, there he was... Secondly, there were a couple too many passive "was" sentences, something easily fixed, however. Chapter 2... Ah, a worthy quest, to save one's mother, rather than that boring old standard of the whole world! I like the depth of your main character. He's a kid who can think, albeit still burdened with naivete, or inexperience, of his youth. Chapter 3... Another well drawn character, though I felt a bit cheated out of the goodbye to mother. This could be a suitably emotional scene. Given she is ostensibly the reason the kids are going out to find the appropriate "gear" don't we need to know her? Perhaps a brief flashback if she's now too weak to demonstrate why Flea wants to help her (other than because she's his mother, of course). Chapter 4... I wondered if Cora might be a little scared at first to see a wolf watching her? Even for an instant before she realised she had... contacted it? Otherwise, I liked the way you convey its thoughts. I'm glad it was impressions and basic words rather than complete sentences. Ok, I've read enough. I like this. Apart from the quibbles about passive sentences, I am impressed with the crispness of the writing here, along with the plot and character. Should be a winner with kids and kids at heart. On my shelf for a tsr boost. Best wishes with it. Regards, TomW

Looks like it gets off to a roaring start, ,and has a fair level of polish. This is no first draft (I hope!). Your characters show quite a bit of emotional depth, and every seems pretty well-balanced, between description, introspection and dialogue. If anything is out of whack, I would suggest that the inner thoughts tend to get a bit lengthy and interrupt the action, particularly in Chapter 3, I thought, maybe. I noticed a few spots that might have used a comma, but no major flaws. You've done well, here.