CHIRG comment...didn't get a lot of time but read some of the opening chapter. Liking Spider lots, then I have a thing about talking cats! Strange uncles have a quality too!I just have to mention one thing - possibly my reading of it, potentialy a small continuity error... when they arrive at the house they refer to the students 'living upstairs', then when Marlon arrives they're 'neighbours' and when they go into the house they take suitcases upstairs to their rooms... perhaps I read it too quickly. If I'm wrong, IGNORE this!!!Nice pictures being painted in my mind. I can visualise Uncle Devon instantly which is great. I like it when it's easy for the reader to identify from an early stage.Just a suggestion, but it might work nicely if Lexa looked like her mother - her own image being a constant reminder of her loss every time she looks in a mirror. Could make it more poignant? Then again, don't know yet whether the early death of parents is significant... guess I'll have to read on then!!!MarkAwakening
Just to let you know, in case you haven't read any more, the prologue is set 35 years before the story in chapter 1 begins... hence the slightly different feel to it - but the prologue becomes important later on, obviously...Ta, M
I'm here for our reading swap. I really, really enjoyed this. Incredibly well-written,I couldn't spot any obvious errors, except perhaps a few commas missing (although I'm no expert on this count!). I like the characters you have introduced in the opening chapters and your vocabulary is rich and varied. Your prologue is interesting and obviously sets the scene for things to come. To me it did seem as if it was part of a different story (still well-written but it had a different tone and style to it). This might be intentional on your part and I only mention it because it was something I noticed and it did make me think about the age group you are aiming your book at. The prologue seems almost YA in style and voice, the next two chapters seem written for a slightly younger age group.The only other thing I noticed is I'm not sure who the mc is as yet. Is it Sam? This will probably become clearer in the next chapters and may not be important to a YA reader to know straight away but I think children may like to be certain. I will come back and read more and will add this to my WL.Obviously my comments are just my own. Please feel free to ignore what you don't find helpful. Despite the above, I did enjoy what I read! All the best. Many stars and on my WL to return to.JuliaShadow Jumper
The prologue is set 35 years before the main story - hence the different feel...Thanks for your comments - hope you continue to enjoy x
I've read the first four chapters and the prologue, and I think this is a great opening to a children's book. I agree with the comment that the prologue and the following chapters are slightly different in tone, but I'm assuming this was intentional? Regardless, I enjoyed the prologue, as you create a really distinct setting through the wealth of detail you include. The opening chapters are great, too- readers will identify with Sam's feelings about moving house. I love the description of the mist-creatures- it's really atmospheric and spooky, and the mysterious face at the window (and cryptic end to the chapter) will have young readers turning the pages. This is really well-written, and I couldn't find any stylistic errors. I'll be keeping this one on my watchlist and rating it highly!Emma
Taking my time with this for you - hope you don't mind...Got to chapter 4 and have a couple of things that might help you - do you think Jack and Beth should talk more before exchanging an address? That would show more of a spark of a relationship between them... and I did find it a little strange that Jack and his mum are living in a grubby downtown flat when his dad's a biochemist and likely earning a lot of money... I just think, if Jack's dad wanted to keep Jack and his mum happy while he was 'away' they would be living somewhere better? Perhaps describe the flat with pics of the happy family and holiday keepsakes showing Jack's mum clinging to the hope his dad will return?Still liking it all though... :) Story moving along at a good pace... finding Beth an interesting character... hope all that helps...
All comments are helpful - good or bad (never know what to do with the indifferent ones though...).I shall chew and digest... yummy...Thanks :)
Had a quick read through the first three chapters - and liked it a lot. Love the way each chapter ends, drawing you forwards to the next. Feeling sorry for Jack so far, which I guess is what you wanted at the start??? I'm just not quite sure whether I like him yet or not, but it's not hard to understand why given the situation he's in.Good sense of mystery and questions the reader will be seeking answers to.Would I be right in assuming Mrs Roberts as mentioned in chapter 1 is actually spying on him? I know from my writing a character mentioned early on can come back later...
Mark, children's books aren't my usual genre. However, I am really enjoying Awakening. I'm about half-way through now and can't wait to finish it. It is so refreshing to read a children's book as original and beautifully written as yours. Nicely done.A pleasure to back.High stars,Linda
It is finished - I'll try to add some more chapters later today... thanks.
Thank you so much - I'll get a look at your work as soon as I can... M
Charming and beautifully-written. There are so many clever descriptive passages and hilarious juxtapositions of words ("favour for flower", "cucumber to cauliflower.") There isn't much to criticize in the prologue. I noticed that the phrase "summer breeze" popped up twice, only a couple of paragraphs apart, so to avoid repetition you might want to change one of them. And perhaps some of your larger paras (there are a couple over 500 words) might be broken up. "White-space" on a page is an attractive sight, it helps draw the reader in and gives the impression the story is moving more quickly. But these are minor criticisms. Rated six stars, I would back but I'm committed to my other books. Will bear you in mind when I next get a free space. I wish you best of luck with this!Hope you'll take the time to look at my offering, which is also a fantasy.James"Tamria"
Just read the prologue and the first chapter. I agree with some of the comments below, you can fix all that when you go through your book again. Really good description, but the prologue was kind of long and maybe I missed something but it didn't grab my attention that much. I think because there were just big blocks of text. The story sounds interesting and I am looking forward to reading more. I am putting it on my watchlist and I rated it with five stars. Good luck :)Khaula Mazhar
Thanks - have been concerned about the prologue, but the characters are important with what happens later on - perhaps I can look at shortening it - we''ll see. Cheers
This is great, the tension builds from the start I figured this was a page-turner from the first paragraph. You paint some bright pictures - I could smell the popcorn and hot dogs. Not altogether certain we had 'Ms's' 35 years ago but I accept that I could be wrong (minor niggle). just read the first chapter in my coffee break but will return this is good stuff!regardsCyrus - Hellion 2
Thank-you. Been a little concerned about the start, but the prologue necessary due to what happens later on - the characters and the incident are important. Perhaps it needs to be a bit shorter though... we'll see.
Mark,I skipped the prologue to go straight to chapter one.Some lovely descriptions, especially the sticky, squelchy sound made by rubbing Sam's eyes.The story, the pace, the flow are all really good. However, you need to do a thorough re-read to eliminate some simple errors. I made a few notes of the first chapter:“Did you notice the name of the lane?” asked Dad to silence. I feel that this would read better as "Dad asked, to silence." Similarly the next line of dialogue would be better as "Mum smiled." rather than "Smiled Mum."You dropped "the" from "...up the walls around and over THE front door."Similarly you need "that" in "...his attention was drawn to a trail of smoke THAT was slowly drifting upwards..."I think you need some punctuation in the following sentence, and you missed a full-stop off the end. This is what I suggest: "...mum was in the main bedroom, upstairs, unpacking the first of the suitcases."More missing words: "She picked them up and TOOK THEM along the hall and into a small bedroom..."Despite these small errors, I think this should go a long way.Best wishesWarrick
Cheers - I write too quickly! I could get a job for you in the newspaper business!I'll keep an eye out for your work... :)
This book is completed and under consideration by a few agents at the minute - I'll try to upload more later... thanks for the comments - all appreciated. :)