Pitches (because you asked):

Granted, I'm not great at them, but here's a few issues with yours.

1. You're keeping too much of your content a "secret" in your pitches. You're too vague, so rather than draw people in, I'm just left wondering what this is supposed to be about. Be short-winded, pack a punch, and most importantly, be clear.
2. 'Together with lead scientist Madeline Squires, at his parents former research centre he is forced to take on the last experimental project his father worked on, full laboratory controlled genetic reproduction." - even when you account for the wonky formatting, I'm pretty sure this isn't even a proper sentence. Particularly the last clause.
3. Where does the artificially created child come from? The previous sentences don't really lead me to think that - and I do have two biomedical science degrees. That sentence is also a run-on: you've changed subjects within the sentence.
4. She's going to end her life? That's also kind of out-of-nowhere. Also, the last sentence is a question, and thus requires a questions mark.

Okay, well hopefully I've pointed out a few issues and that proves helpful to you.

All the Best,
E view book

Ah! you've finally reposted!

Chapter 16:

- a giant, nasty sore is a bit weak, descriptively
- I like the scene where he leads her through the house. He's funny, and it's sweet and loving.
- I don't particularly like the bit where he mentions making love to her fourteen times a day. Largely because he's still much older, and I've always gotten a creepy-manipulative vibe from him in that sense. I also don't like "fill you with Monahan babies" because that makes her seem like a machine, his personal procreation oven.
- I REALLY don't like her falling-over-hyperventilation reaction to his admission. She can be shocked without being melodramatic.
- "My whole life had been a terrible lie." Much though I like Heather, I don't like the idea that her whole life has been about Chris.
- Does she pass out when he tells her he has AIDS? Because if he does, I will be most annoyed.
- I do like the interaction between John and Heather in the car. It gives him a bit more life and humanity. I know we've been seeing him through Heather's perspective the whole time, which is reasonable, but I'm glad her perspective becomes more honest through age and experience. It's well done.

Chapter 17:
- Heather is awesome this chapter.
- I do like "I didn't quite have the nerve to get between a Monahan boy and his bologna sandwich." That's good.
- I LOVE Omi so much. Ach du Liebe!!! A designer sweatsuit. She makes me so happy.
- How are they going to eat Stroganoff on paper towels? I think the snow peas are the least of their concerns.
- "He needed love; endless, infinite amounts of love." is a really beautiful sentence. And I like the moral tear between being a "saviour" type and knowing it's wrong.
- This was quite a lovely chapter.

Chapter 18:
- How is all this stuff fitting inside the apartment?
- Although I really like all the stuff Heather and Omi are doing for Chris, I'd rather hear from Chris. I think conversations and interactions are more important. I do like Chris' reaction to the gifts though.
- How do Heather's parents feel about her deferring school? THat's what she'sdoing, right?
- You don't actually explain which pharmacist she "gets" and which one comes over to help until the end, so it's initially a bit confusing.

Chapter 19:
- So far, denial worked best. Is good.
- It's a bit much, her being insulted by his modesty, without giving thought to how he feels about the situation.
- I do like that last sentence, actually. Kind of brings it around.

Chapter 20:
- It's really, really nice to finally hear Chris' POV. I kind of wish it came sooner in the book, which is more to do with maybe cutting down some of the school dances and wedding stuff etc in the earlier chapters than anything else. This is also a lovely chapter.

Chapter 21:
- Oh, just going back to one thing. In the health care sector, we do double-glove if a patient has HIV/AIDS and we're exposed to their blood products. I would have the pharmacist suggest that. Single gloves for sputum, excrement, double gloves for blood products. It's just an added precaution. A mini-spiel might be nice and add a rounded, realistic pharmacist discussion.
- This is also a wonderful, wonderful chapter. It actually made me choke up a little.

Chapter 22:
- That line. "I'm a pariah, and I'm dying." really, really hit home. It was everything summed up, and it was great.

- I like how you kind of didn't mention how much Heather had given up until this point. I actually hadn't realized as a reader. It's a blow, and it's very intense. So nix my earlier comment about explaining why she quit college. This is great stuff, Audrey.

23:
The only thing I have to add here is that try to not go too overkill with listing the types of food and all the groceries and chores. After a while, it's just fluff, and it's a given part of her job. That said, I liked the bedwetting part. That was handled practically and delicately, and really well done.

Chapter 24:

That's a great chapter, but I'm a bit confused about the car. There's three seats in the front? So it's a truck?

25:
- Heather has lovely parents. I kind of wish they were featured a bit more in the earlier chapters.

- "That has to be an old fashioned attempt to goad me." iS SO GOOD.

- The one thing about this visit is that Chris seems to get lost in it. It becomes a bit more about how Heather shows Barb everything she's been doing in Barbs place and the boys doing more errands. Where's Chris? The focus on him goes away, though I'd imagine (I'd hope) that in reality, it would stay on him.

- I do kind of like the pull between Heather "ceding her territory" and realizing that that's probably not a very good way to feel.

- Where did Matt go at the end of the chapter?

Chapter 26:

Nice last line there.

Chapter 27:
No issues with this chapter. It moves in both ways. Another kind of tug, I guess.

Chapter 28:
Again, I feel like Chris kind of gets lost in this chapter, and it becomes more about Heather being the helper than about Chris, who's there, dying.

Chapter 29:
- uhhh... what about Paul and Caroline?
- oh, shit. I see now about Chris' parents. They WERE too eager. I like John a lot more now.
- the whole "while making sweet, comforting sounds" reads a bit weird. She's not a baby.
- John never actually visits. He should.
- Chris really does seem to get forgotten in the medicalization of Chris. He becomes his AIDS. That's definitely a real-life trap, but I'm hoping this isn't unintentional in the book.

Chapter 30:
- "Because apparently I have an ego the size of a small country." Is pretty funny.
- I really like you're explanation here of Chris' attractions. It's tough, and complication, and real. I like Chris' apology, because even though he was confused, he did use Heather, and I love him the more for admitting it. This chapter is wonderful, and honest.

Chapter 31:
- I kind of like Chris calling her out for her control issues. And this was a fun chapter. I do kind of wish we'd had a bit of glimpse into Anthony's head here, but I suppose he's used to it? Just a thought. Otherwise, it's nice to have a bit of fun and joking.

Chapter 32:
- Uhh... why would she get beat up?
- "I can't find the IV drug users' bar" is kind of funny.
- I find it really interesting here. The AIDS thing was really underground and there was secrecy and danger and paranoia connected with it, but people my age and younger won't necessarily know that. It's a cool scene with Brandon, and says a lot.
- I also like the reveal from Rheagan.

Chapter 33:
- that's a really nice chapter. obviously, spirituality means a lot to Chris, and it's wonderful to see him at peace with his God.

chapter 34:
- I do kind of like the idea of Heather prodding him to reach out to Trevor's family. It's important.

Chapter 35:
- Also quite a nice chapter. No issues. And Chris actually gets a say in his own care!

Chapter 36:
- This chapter is cute, but I'm not sure if it's really necessary... yet. That said, I meant to read one chapter, and I've read 20.

Chapter 37:
- I kind of like Heather's jealousy about Trevor. It's real.
- This chapter is absolutely lovely. I do wish there was a bit of emphasis on Bill's own victory there. It was a struggle for him, I believe, and a victory.
- I do kind of think Paul and Caroline should visit. Maybe not?

Chapter 38:
- "nice guys with great orthodontia" is a great line.
- I'm not sure that I like how the story about Trevor kind of ends upu being about Heather. I do like her prodding him again to get in touch with Trevor's sister.

Chapter 39:
- Yay! Paul and Caroline!
- THere's two "Oh Caro/Oh, caroline" in this chapter and it stuck out as a bit unrealistic. Heather says Caro/Caroline a lot too, and it's probably not necessary.
- i Lol'd at "but don't exchange semen"
"It was hard for me to believe he was once even bigger and stronger than he IS now - is a tense mishap, I think"
- The image of Paul pulling Chris into his lap is unbearably sweet and touching. It basically makes me want to cry.

Chapter 40:
- One the way home - should be ON the way home.
- I want more Omi. In real life. I love Omi. She needs more scene time.
- I want Chris to tell her that she shouldn't have planned her life around him. I also want him to get angry with her for feeling like she's unattractive, not just tell her that she is beautiful.
- I don't really like it that they all like her because she's beautiful. I kind of find it creepy that they all love the same girl, and that she only loves the one who can't love her back the same way. And yet, that's truly literary genius. I wish I could read this from Matt's POV, a bit like Virgin Suicides, but much better.
- It's not "perfectly" safe if he uses a condom. It's safer.
- I feel all creepy and confused by Chris offering sex to her. And yet, again, it's kind of literary genius.
- Dementia doesn't develop "at any time." It's kind of insidious.
- Good. I like how Heather is firm with Chris here.
- This chapter was wrenching and complicated. It was well-handled and beautiful.

Chapter 41:
- What's she wearing if it's not a shirt? I don't think a boy would ask a girl to cover up if she was wearing a camisole, particularly if he was attracted to her. Even if he was noble, it's not realistic. I'd rather they hugged.

Chapter 42:
- Twenty-eight beats should be twenty-eight breaths. And he has pneumonia. Shit.
- seriously. twenty-eight is really fast.
- where did Matt go? he was there at the beginning of the chapter, but not at the end.
- "and Heather sped off to Deaconess..." is proably the wrong person.
- did they have cell phones in the eighties? no, i believe they did not. Or the early nineties.
- "we both knew that if he had pneumonia now, he would likely recover." - I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant? This is a bit confusing.

Chapter 43:
- God. That scene between heather and Chris is nice, but it must be BRUTAL for Matt. I kind of wish Heather and Matt had a bit more interaction - actually speaking to each other rather than her just sitting on his lap.
- I'm a bit confused why she thinks she's infected. Because they kissed? I find it weird how she mentions this seemingly casually, in front of the twins. They're still in the room, right?

Chapter 44:
- Man, reading this chapter while listening to Accidental babies by Damian Rice was a poor choice. I won't lie. I never do this, but I cried.

Okay, I'm done. But the story isn't done and I demand you finish in a way that doesn't make me cry.

E view book

YARG:

Anyway, here's how I generally review. I write up my overall thoughts first, and then give a few examples of nit-picks.

So, overall. This is a great start. I like how you go dark straightaway, and I like the bleak outlook of the MC. I'm also picking up that you have huge potential as a writer - you can set mood, you can play with words, and you know how to keep narrative and dialogue distinct. I like your writing a lot, and I look forward to what it WILL be. You definitely had me at "making my skin itch as the words crawl under it." Very, very good.

However, I mean "will be" because I feel like you still have room for improvement, so here are some general suggestions.

1. On writing: Avoid using adjectives and adverbs as "exaggerators." Currently, you have a tendency to use them to emphasize nouns. For example, "feeling violently sick." That one's not so bad, but there's a few others I noted in teh nit-picks. If you want to figure out a good way of describing something, it's better to be creative and think outside the box. Evangeline Jennings and Lucy Middlemass are both very, very good at that. So worth reading those. Actually, the absolute best is Dave Ocelot's The Baggage Carousel. Go read that now.
But the basics of description is to describe not just what something is, but what it means or feels, not just to throw and adverb/adjective at it (I'm not saying don't use them. I'm saying be original with them. But what I do suggest is that you take a look at your MS, go through every single adjective/adverb, and think to yourself - is there a more effective way of saying this?) :)

2. On story:
Chapter one: you're pretty good at not info-dumping (thanks!), but you're still letting us into the MC's head a little too soon. It's pretty obvious from the actions that she's thinking about killing herself, but I think in chapter one, it'd be more effective if you don't actually mention suicide, and let us see what she's doing. That will give us an "oh shit" moment when she stands up on the railing. See?

Nitpicks:

ptiches: the short pitch isn't bad, but I do suggest working on it to make it a bit more compelling. Long pitch: it's kind of all over the place - there's a switch in MC focus in the pitch (which isn't bad, but could do with a paragraph break to follow that). Also, I'm not sure unfixable is a real word, but spell-check says it is.

Chapter 1:
Your first sentence is very long.

"Turned me upside down and flipped me over so fiercely, causing me to feel trapped in an open oblivion..." these two clauses actually don't make much sense together (I mean, how does being flipped over make one feel trapped in an "open oblivion" and what exactly is an open oblivion?).

"The only person I had left in the world." seems awfull melodramatic, unless it's true.

The water rushing fiercely below me... no need for the adverb here.

I have no one to cause pain too (just "to")

the tips of my fingers torn away from their icy prison - this metaphor doesn't work, because it's not extended. It would be just as effective if it was from the icy pole, but if

"well no one asked you to." - i'd skip the "play the hero" bit and just leave it at that. i think it's more effective that way.

Chapter 2:
- tiny, nearly deserted streets - 'tiny" is a weird word to describe a street. Maybe narrow?
- pretty dickish of that dude to almost run her over and then tell her to watch where she was going. I'm glad she slapped him.
- "who not only saved my life but tried to run it over too..." - great line. :)
- "but then again I don't even know if what this is.... " - this sentence is really good in the middle "haunts me and clings to my bones" is awesome - but it's also clunky. I'd clean it up and make it more economical.
- the second "why?" after (why did this ahve to happen to us, Alex) is really cheesy and movie-esque. I'd get rid of it.
- the move to the coffee shop makes sense, but it's very abrupt given the intensity of her previous outburst. It doesn't feel natural. I think it's easily fixed by adding a sentence about her wallowing on the bathroom floor listlessly for a while before finally needing to get out of the house. Something like that.

Anyway, that's just two chapters, but probably a lot to look at there. Hopefully some of it was useful! Really great stuff - I'm super-impressed, and if it's helpful, I'm very happy to read more when I've got some time.

E
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GhostCityGirl:

I should start this by saying that these days, I'm only reading books that I actually want to on this site. So that's probably important to know. Because I'm too lazy to give several paragraphs of praise, so I'll mostly focus on how I think it can be improved. And I'm no professional myself, so you can take or leave your suggestions as you like.

Overall thoughts:
The writing is spare and pleasant - leading us through the story with minimal confusion and fuss. This future-Japan is immediately different and interesting - and you guide us through in a way that makes us want to turn the page without knowing exactly where the story is going straightaway. You resist the urge to force an immediate conflict or dropping all the necessary information in the first chapter, instead letting the story unfold naturally. I'm interested in the fascinating new technological advances to continue, and I've picked up on the little hints of a darker aspect to the modern world. I particularly like the factuality of the paranomal aspects and the way you've resisted making that a camp(fire) ghost story. It's weird and interesting with thoughtful little details and utterly creative.

On the writing:
You don't use excessive adjectives, which makes your writing so smooth and enjoyable. However, you do use adverbs in a way that seems a bit... amateurish, which is too bad because otherwise, your writing otherwise gives no indication of of the sort. In particular, I'd get rid of those dreaded "ly" adjectives. I don't think they word. Here's an example I saw in chapter 3: "I remained completely silent." - this would be more effective as simply "I remained silent." Otherwise, it's a bit melodramatic.

Secondly, sometimes I think you could stand to put a bit of literary descriptiveness in there. When you describe the snowflakes and the emptiness in chapter seven, it short and to-the-point, which leaves me without a clear image. Sometimes, it's nice to just read a well-described scene. In the pursuit of economy, I think you may have lost some of descriptive power. Just a thought.

OK, onto nit-picks:

Chapter 1:

- It doesn't really make much sense to broadcast two missing girls if they're withholding the names, does it? I wouldn't have noticed this if you had simply not mentioned that.

- "last year's most prolific female serial killer" begs the question - was there a male serial killer more prolific? If not, then you don't really need to add the "female" to it (although I agree that when one thinks of serial killers, men come to mind. But this should probably be actively fought against).

- I like this voice - is a bit of a confusing line. Kichi likes the new voice, or Perkins?

- Although I'll probably change my mind, I would like to live in 2155 just for the morning routine.

- This is a very nit-picky thing to say, but I'd get rid of "so" before "content" in "the cows look so content."

- this is pretty nit-picky also, but I think it will lend a lot of clarity to an otherwise confusing sentence: "prosthetic skin located at the corner of each (OF HER) eye(S).. " without that - it's a bit unclear whether or not Kichi is actually plugging in her mother (she may not be, and I may have read that wrong, but if she is, then I would clarify).

- honestly - that seems far too much clothing for a measly minus-five. Kichi would be immobile.

Chapter 2:

- I suspect that Kichi is standing several hundred feet up in the air, if not higher, and that the elements are more severe up there. Maybe that's why she's so overdressed for minus-five (because it's closer to minus-ten up there). If that's the case - maybe better to consider giving level-specific temperatures on the radio broadcast at the beginning?

- I'm still harping about the weather - but really, it's very hard to get frostbite at minus-five.

- "we will embrace you to our hearts" - does that actually make sense?

- Great hook to the end of this chapter, but the punctuation is funny. Might be worth looking at.

Chapter 3:

- Obviously there are other reasons for it left unstated, but the current feeling that she wants to jump to her death because her father didn't take Kichi with him seems fairly melodramatic. (Unless that's the point, of course).

- "It was a warm smile that touched my heart" - I think you can do better than that line. Honestly, you don't really even need it, and it's pretty saccharine and cliche.

- "The cab lands at the north end of the bar street." - well of course it does. That's exactly where Kichi told it to go. Maybe it's worth describing the area it stops at, rather than simply naming it.

- "the street is beyond busy." - this doesn't say much. It's kind of a cheap way of describing something, as if you don't actually have the words for it. You should probably find the words.

Another great hook to end chapter 3.

Chapter 4:

- I really like this chapter - particularly Kichi's interaction with Hiro - and have no complaints except the end, which left me confused (as in, why on earth would a serial killer be acting as a witness on a newsreel and nobody else notices). But hopefully this confusion is intentonal and will be answered soon.

Chapter 5:

- you described Mother's face as skeletal in chapter 4, and now her hand as skeletal too. Maybe it would be worthwhile to come up with a different descriptor.

- It still doesn't really make sense how Red Raku was actually interviewed as a witness without being recognized. Apparently Kichi really IS the only citizen in Osaka sector with eyes (which is fine figuratively, but hard to swallow if it's the actual case).

- I think it may be a case of different definitions of frostbite, but for me, frostbite means Kichi's fingers, toes, and nose are actually burned from cold. Having that happen two days in a row would mean they probably fell off.

Chapter 6:

- malevolence, generally, is by nature dark and twisted. So it's not really necessary to add that to ti.

- I really like how the end of this chapter comes around. It's a great hook. however, I'm not sure about the story itself. It's got a lot of potential, but as it is, it really didnt' scare me that much. And there was some missing element to make me care. I think the main problem is that I don't really know why Ai killed thirteen people, but because she did and nothing's really explained, I also don't really care that the villagers brutally murdered her. I don't exactly feel like that's enough to bring about thousands of years of curses. I know you're holding back a bit on this curse to drop it on us later, but I think that renders it a bit ineffective. it's not doing much for me in the meantime.

Chapter 7:

- your really focused on the cold in her fingers and toes, eh?

- "Interesting questions..." - that she's asking herself? I'm not a huge fan of that sentence.

- A very good chapter.

Chapter 8:

- snot can't stream that far down his face if he's wearing a mask.

- Great chapter (again). I'm super into this now.

Chapter 9:

- yesterday was Friday, I thought. And today is Wednesday. Unless we have skipped a few days.

- I really like the contrast in this chapter between normal day, mundane chatter with her friend, to the (nuclear?) explosion at the end. It's very effective.

Chapter 10:
- is it ok if I find it a bit weird that she carries around bandaids?

- I have a fear of little girls in fiction actually being monsters. I'm almost always right. Case in Point: Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 1. So now I'm worried.

Chapter 11:

- Nothing. Neat, creepy chapter and my interest is piqued.



Ok, well I want to keep reading, but that's really all I have time for tonight. This is really great, creative, and intriguing. I'm honestly hooked, which is, in my opinion, the highest compliment you can give a book.

So there's that.

I'll try to finish tomorrow, and hopefully some of the suggestions have been useful.

E
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Yarg continued:

(sorry, I copied and pasted off my phone, so it's not continuous.

Chapter 3 (continued):

- I think, on an overall note, you kind of beat dead the political jokes in chapter 3. It's a bit like Shrek, where the subtleties lean more toward adults, and kids laugh at the silliness. The trick with Shrek though, is that they don't repeat jokes too much; they have a long line of different jokes and observations for adults to snigger at while the kids are just laughing at whatever kids laugh at. So maybe that's worth thinking about.

Chapter 4:

By evening he felt that dying was preferable to carrying on any longer, and if any goblin so much as peeked out at him he would show the wretched creature exactly what he thought of their kind. - this poses opposite trains of thought, actually.

- Their sweet echoing calls drifted pleasantly on the crisp air- there's an awful lot of adjectives in this sentence

- All the bards I’ve ever read about had more of a name than just Bennelzor.” - that is utterly random and I laughed.

- I forgot what Master Cendric said - I've also forgotten. Can you remind the reader?

- “Heard about him.” - this was actually pretty funny.

- But then, as she was wearing a cloak and it was dark, he couldn’t see very much - pretty great also.

- tied back and falling in a dark cascade to well past her shoulders - how does tied back hair fall in a cascade? And what are strong, proud lips?

Chapter 5:
- His name is Mankiller.” - ha!

- He looked like a proud horse that would countenance no fools - you certainly can use countenance this way, but it is a bit weird.

- morning waned late toward midday - does it make sense to have "late" here?

- not too many crits in this chapter. It's a good one.

Chapter 6:

- The traffic on the bridge had vanished as if conjured away - well, you never really mention the traffic before this, so it's kind of weird when it disappears.

- Babbling bully!” he yelled - would be better if he stuttered here.

- the fight scene seems a bit too easy, to be honest.

- I do like the hint that Ben is more than he seems.

- do you really want your wizard to look exactly like gandalf?

- Really? I’m Ben (awesome)

- I'm impressed the eggs haven't broken, but I find it surprising that they're not rotten.

- The wizard’s voice sounded dry with age, but still seemed sprightly for one who looked so old - this is a weird contradiction: he sounds old, but he doesn't?

- The dialogue in this chapter is really good. Probably my favourite chapter yet.

Overall, really good work - probably one of the best new books I've seen on here. I'll try to read some more soon - if not this afternoon. It is a lazy sunday, after all.

Ellie view book

Yarg:
Pitches: I looked at it, and thought, "that's a lot of words. Nah."
Probably not the best way to start and edit, but maybe it's telling. So now I'm jumping in blind (but will pull up my socks)

Chapter 1:
I love the word poop. It's so underused. Also your first sentence is pretty much great.
"We could be attacked by Goblins and the farm burned down" - do you see an issue here? I do. (Farm burned down)
I've never been pooped on by a bird. Had a close call once though.
"because he had forgotten his handkerchief, as usual." - this is an exemplary way of building character background without info-dump narration. High five!
Nitpick but, "Ben was about to bellow the stanza" - can it be a stanza If
it's only one line?
Ben felt his stomach do a very odd flip. - this would be a great and original description if it wasn't so cliche (sorry. But you're better than that!)
He left the plow, starting across the field. - the structure of this sentence makes it a wee bit confusing
I really don't have a clear picture of the house/land. There's a stone wall, but wooden gate to clear?
Would the blast knock him over? Would that be more effective?

- I like Abern's preoccupation with goblin nose hair, and that he called a "war council" with the three of them.
- I see what you're setting up here/alluding to with the conflict between Abern and Adribobel. And I like it, but I think it's too obvious, too soon, and too dwelt on at the expense of story.
For example, "Survivalist, or socialist, or whatever your religion, sometimes everyone needs help. " - do these terms/conflicts exist in goblin-infested-fantasy-world, or are you just trying to say something (something I'd probably agree with, but it's just not that clever if I've figured it out in the first chapter. I'm not that clever.)
I think your last sentence is really, REALLY smart and I feel smart that I get what you did there.

Chapter 2:

Oh look. You've changed things since I last read chapter 2. I'm going to put up those crits because I'm lazy. (So they may not be relevant):

I think men love a good beard far more than women. They're always going on about how LUXURIOUS they can be, but I've never seen one that doesn't look like glued-on-dead-bush-branches. That said, it's a good descriptor, and one a young man would adore to, so fitting.

Your description of york (especially location) could be better, more creative and "literary." Also, it's something for you to think about based on the book - but should it be present tense for sure? (Also, the description of everything else in this chapter - the path, the forest - is past)
I'm not convinced "bums" is a PC-appropriate term Ina children's book.
- your description of Cendric is great.
- We’ll sort all of this out over a few drinks - as all things should be sorted. Also great :)

Chapter 3:
- same thing about "bum" use here.

- It is on such occasions as these that we see the wonder and brilliance of the great social contract.” - there's a lot of the conversation that's fun sort of what-on-earth-is-going-on-and-aren't-they-off-track, but this one (great social cotract) feels too obviously taken from Something You're Trying to Call Out. And also kind if "wtf is that supposed to mean," but not in a good way. (Otherwise, androbabble's babbling is very good)
- I would really like Ben to point out the obvious here "why do I need to go to the king? You guys are taking this way too far." - because otherwise, it's far too obvious a plot device to send him on his adventure. By having him initially resistant to the absurdity, it will feel less so (and kind of make him slightly less of a sad-sack dummy. Instead, he'll just be a sad-sack. - dummy-free)
- oh. Nevermind on the last. It seems I jumped the gun.
- I very much doubt he's holding three dozen eggs in one hand.
- stuttering Ben hasn't really been all that stuttery, in my opinion. Just flabbergasted.
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OK, back to this.

Chapter 7:

- what do you mean by spines being made by new cells every seven years? That's kind of vague, and not really technically true (to me, anyway). But I'm being a stickler here. I mean - spinal cord itself, well, neurons don't really ever get replaced. Spine? Technically bone cells are constantly turning over, so there's never a state of completely new. Always a mix of new-and-old. I'm being a dorky stickler. Sorry.
- The "If I don't have a soul..." sentence was a bit confusing. Still is, but that's more me than you, I think.
- I really liked the bit where she was going to be "better" as being accepting of Matt's assumed sexuality than all of his friends; gearing up to be more accepting, more politically correct and sensitive. How often is that true, and how many problems are inherent in all of it? Brilliant. So brilliant. (But also, nice and very sibling-y). In fact, I like all her assumptions.
- good poultry metaphor - the whole thing was awesome. :)

Chapter 8:

- I've been really wanting a dog recently. Not long to go!
- Also, Mr. Kerr is still fucked. Assemblies are not therapy. I do see the set-up now though. Makes sense. i look forward to these storylines (past-and-present) interweaving.

Chapter 9:
- It kind of struck me when you described her as "a woman in a queue at an airport" that - when was Claire last in an airport? Would styles have changed in a decade?
- This chapter makes me sad and makes me hope that Claire goes through some "personal growth" and tells her brother that she loves him, or at least acts like it, and that they kick their mother out. It also makes me sad because I want to read the rest of it. Email it to me!

- but also, Claire's mum kind of seems to reappear too easily. It's a bit anticlimatic - or there wasn't enough buildup, I'm not sure.

I love this. Email me whatever else you've got, when you've got it. PLLLLEEEEASE.

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Lying about Sarah.

Well, this is bloody great.

Chapter 1:
He's wearing an orange shirt... the "list of products and a telephone number scroll across the screen" bit doesn't really fit with the first half of the sentence. I think you should split them into two. Actually, it took me a minute to re-read and realize the guy is in the TV. Might need some rewording.

- he isn't wearing socks because of his canvas shoes (??) - I don't unerstand this.

- I have to admit that I don't really understand "close up, he's still foreshortened." But that's probably just me.

Chapter 2:
- Matthew was the further back (the furthest? or no The?)

- there's quite a bit of jumping-around in this chapter. From chapter one - which is present-day ish - to like, a double-memory: Monday (I'm assuming) at school, then back to Saturday/Friday back-and-forth. It could be tricky, when I think about your reviewer. The writing is exemplary, but the clarity isn't there.

Chapter 3:

- Matt did wrong and I am wrong = great, enormous line. (As are many I've read. I could go on and on, but I won't). And another: "tablets for me and tablets for how I feel about me." You're winning so hard with this.

- This chapter made me feel really sad.

Chapter 4:

- There's nothing but goodness here.

Chapter 5:

- Claire's headmaster is fucked.

- She forgot which of us had her which one... can't decide if I like this sentence or not.

- Why are you so good at this? This... is ridiculous. I hope you're querying.

Chapter 6:

- "I pretend I don't know and he pretends it's not a problem. That's pretty normal since we're family." - I don't... I can't even express how on-the-mark this is.

Having read this, I have to go now and re-prioritize my life, and have deep thoughts. But this is incredible. If Jinger was great, this is extraordinary. My only qualm is that it's very back-and-forth, with little discernible storyline (YET). I'm sure that will come soon, but if it doesn't, I'll let you know.

Best thing I've read in ages, and that's not just flattery because I think you're the bee's knees.

E
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YARG/ you asked.

Your pitch shows promise of something original and neat, but it needs work. I'm not great at pitches (see Invictus) but definitely ask around Yarg, because others are really good at them. Trailer Bride's pitches are pretty much the best in the world. But from my perspective, you're trying to overexplain and overdescribe in your pitch, instead of sucking someone in with potential story.

Chapter 1:

Your second sentence is incongruous - between subjects and objects, or something (I have no formal lit. training, so forgive my absurd attempts at the jargon). She's standing out in the crowd (and being noticed by the subject, I think), but then after the comma, she's paying attention (she is the subject). See the problem? Also, monotonous is probably better as monochrome. I'd also get rid of "exactly" before "hard to find" because it's just too many layered colloquialisms.

i think the following sentence would be better worded as "who isn't really doing a great job at his inconspicious attempt" to "who isn't really doing a great job of being inconspicuous in his intentions to stab me with the poison-filled syringe, whose green-tipped needle is sticking out of the sleeve of his jacket..." Or something.

Another place where there's too many words: "I do a quick scan around the room..."

Mihgt be better as: "I scan the room quickly, noting the scrutiny of every (x). I can feel the disdain in their gazes, crawling under my skin. (who's in the room? Politicians? Nobles? xyz? Name them, rather than just "everyone"). Or something like that.

How can marks be thin, dark, and (this is the thing) electrifying? I mean, electrifying is a pretty strong descriptor, so I kind of want to see them.

"It doesn't mean you can't try and kill..." is a common mistake I see (and probably editors too). It should be "try TO kill"

I like the bit about "historical scenes I'm not sure actually happened."

It's also obvious from our side of the wall, The Allies... this sentence is poorly structured and ends up making no sense.

"it can produce a lot more goods" - "a lot more goods" is far too colloquial. Frankly, I think it might actually not be super grammar.

I liked the "god what a prick pun." :) (but he's not actually talking ABOUT God. He's just mentioning the word (technically, as a curse), so I'd change the next sentence to saying the word God, or something.

Since you're a fellow Canuck, I'm fairly sure this wasn't intentional, but describing someone as a "mocha woman" might come off... a wee bit offensive. Maybe better as "with skin as creamy-dark as mocha" (or soemthing better than that shitty stab)

Oh, also - I initially thought Frank and Francis were the same person, since it's often the same name. But I know it's super-annoying

Ok, that's enough of the nit-picks, isn't it? Sorry. Anyway, there's a lot to like about the book, and I see a lot of promise - the characterizations - you've got some neat characters showing up in the first chapter, the sense of humour (it doesn't take itself seriously, which is good), and a cynical, smart, main character which I'm very down with. Also, smart blondes! I'm DOWN. But I think the main issues I'm coming across are that there's TOO MUCH colloquialism and the pace of writing is a bit fast.
"Freneticism:"
You're touching on everything here, not really lingering on any one thing. You don't have to dump every bit of background into chapter one - just focus on putting us in there with Gwen right now now, and make us wonder why.
Style:
It's good to have a relatable, appreciable tone, but you need to improve your prose a bit to make it full-on publishable. Find a balance and style that's right for you but remember that it's a novel, not a conversation.

Hopefully that was helpful. I'll keep reading more in the next few days to see where this story goes. Good start! Watchlisted.
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Pitch (chapter one to come soon):

From the pitch, the premise is obvious - and a good one. It's an interesting angle, and I've not been exposed much to Hong Kong's involvement in and influence on WWII/initial Cold War era, so it's fresh (for most North Americans, I'd suspect) and something I'd be down to bite into. It's obvious for His.Fic. fans, and the pitch is angled that way, which I find no problems with.

That said, I think the actual "pitching" could do with a bit of work. Here's a few thoughts (again, subjective) for improvement.

I found the short pitch a bit cheesy, but that's a very subjective opinion. I've seen similar pitches on books on actual bookshelves, so it will appeal to real-life non-snob crowds. :)

Long pitch:
- "an innocent America" is laughable. Even if they were in this case, no agent will take you seriously, unless it's Glenn Beck's publisher. If you're going for the historical angle, "a dormant America" would be more like the "sleeping giant" metaphor often used.
- Your second paragraph needs works. The first sentence doesn't really make sense if you look at it carefully - the idea you're trying to put across isn't coming through clearly. The second sentence is something everyone knows - I'd make it a bit spicier.
- it almost seems like you're saying right = Capitalism, wrong = Communism there in the last sentence of the third paragraph. I'd say that if that's not the case, then you need to restructure the sentence to fix that. If it IS the case, then I'd say you're a bit too black-and-white about it, and that anyone but Glenn Beck's publisher would think you're maybe not considering the complexities of the argument.
- the last paragraph kind of comes out of nowhere. And the last sentence doesn't flow with the preceding sentence.

Anyway, if that was any use to you/what you were looking for, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on the other chapters. view book

YARG (is this a Yarg? Whatever. It's an awesome).

I would like you to put up the rest of the chapters, obviously.

To be frank, I think I like this even more than FF (even though I liked FF). It's brutal and it makes me sad and I feel like no good can come of this story in the end, but I'm still hopeful that good will come of it. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but the point is that I feel this story.

I'm not going to go nitpicky, but once again, you have a knack for eaking out the everyday emotions that break our hearts and make us smile. I suspect that your teaching experience gives you daily access to those struggles. I read through the whole thing this afternoon.

Some thoughts:

I didn't feel like "intense" critiquing, but watch out for parallels between Caroline and Heather (i.e. it's a bit funny how all the boys seem very very interested in both, apparently they're both very attractive - albeit in different ways - throughout their teen years. For this reason, quite frankly, Frankie is one of my favourite characters and I'd like to see him a bit more. I also want some characters to be a bit... quirkier. Larger than life.). In many ways they're different (Heather is more take-control and will ask for what she wants; whereas Caroline hides her issues a bit more), but don't relive their experiences. I kind of think you need to further separate the two, but how? (Go wild - maybe parties instead of dances, which you do a bit, but maybe more. ). Also, I would like more life in Reagan's character. She feels a bit background, when I think a good female friend should be vital.

I did/didn't like Bill's reaction to "gayness." What I mean is that it makes me shudder and sad (both at once), but it's realistic and, well, not "necessary" to the story, but a fundamental part of the story. I get it. This isn't a crit - it's well done. That's all I'm saying.

Mark/Heather's banter, while often repellant, is funny and very, very good. Always refreshing. Matt makes me feel sad. When he pulls her into bed though, it's a bit of an awkward picture. Is she still in her sleeping bag? What kind of comforting words is he whispering? (Don't just say "comforting words")

Watch out for excessive internal narrative as opposed to more dialogue. If there's too much narrative, it feels like a recollection more than a story, and I find myself skimming through these bits. (And I also find it has a way of making the otherwise likeable MC - who knows what she wants and will ask for it, which I like about her - seem a bit self-absorbed and grating). Find more engaging, dynamic ways of telling your story.

Damn, I feel conflicted about Chris. I must admit, as a child of a sort-of "Chris" I get it, but I also want to yell at him. You know? It makes me sad. Particularly her birthday. I feel all weird about it. This is why I want you to post more chapters.

I would really like an extended, metaphorical scene of her dancing. Or something. I would like Matt to watch.

I feel sad about this whole thing, but hopeful.

Ok, hopefully some of that was useful.
E

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I would like to use your second sentence as a very good example of "a method of avoiding the use a like simile in the first sentence of your WIP, and therefore impressing agents" in my imaginary class, "Common-Sense Rules For Aspiring Writers."

For aspiring authonomy-winners, I would show them this flattering, yet adequately detailed "critique" (I did reference the second sentence, after all) as a good way to win friends and influence idiots.

Sincerely,
E.R. McTaggart
http://www.amazon.com/Cookin-Coolio-Star-Meals-Price/dp/1439117616

PS - I actually haven't read anything else yet. Will soon. view book

Chapter 10:

"If you don’t, you should worry.” - great line. :)

sizzling and disintegrating in my internal acids - this is a good description, but you've already used "internal acids" - which is a unique descriptor, so it stands out as repetitive even if you only use it twice in a book.

Chapter 11:

Granny is just like my grandmother with freezing milk. She does that - it's totally weird. But what does she do with the backlog of milk? Surely she can't be milking them everyday. And what is she going to do with an obvious oversupply of eggs? (thats where a quirky old merchant/farmer's market guy could take a place in earlier chapters and you could work in that extra character). It doesn't make sense. This grandmother is a hoarder! An animal hoarder!

Also - who's car is he stealing each time he drives one? Why doesn't she question him stealing her car? That could be made into a good anecdote.

Chapter 12:

I'm not sure how I feel about him judging modern medicine. I personally think its better than leeches...

You describe the view from the cemetary as "mesmerizing" twice. Also - the gravestone sounds a bit too modern for 1785? Not sure though...

Also - the themes sometimes feel a bit underage (being "lazy," using too much Internet) - there's nothing wrong with them as themes, even in an older book, but if they're directed toward older teens, then they need to be presented with subtlety.

Chapter 13:

I like the use of the "objects" and why some ghosts hate the living. Good choice. There's lots of potential there for more story to come... So good foreshadowing?

Um, it kind of does matter if he possessed a body for the purpose of sexual intent. That's essentially rape. Don't even let your hero be a possible rapist - but more importantly, don't let Annie - your REAL hero - be cool with that possibility. And then they start flirting, which is kind of gross, you know?

"You sound like you're ten years older already" ... Is pretty parent-like. I know from your pitch that she's going to fall in love with him. If that's the case, then don't make him so patronizing. It's all well and good that he wants to better her, but the relationship has to be equal (taking into account his 220-year age advance) - she has to better him too! But more than that, he's her lover, not her father. Both is gross.

Chapter 14:

Granny's eyes have nearly reached her eyebrow on numerous occasions throughout the book. Maybe she could have another expression?

it comes off a bit weird when we have him (in dialogue) rattling off a ton of comments, which is then followed by "he was a surprisingly good teacher."
- in my mind, Annie's a bit more biting than this (and I like her that way!)

Uh-oh! Fiancée troubles!

Ok, that's all for tonight.
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Chapter 6:

Strange how one thing can change everything. - really great line here

The plate slipped my trembling fingers more than once - I think you're missing a word

Otherwise, good chapter - lots of tension, both with Granny and the ghost. The only other crit I can think of right now is that the chapter ends on a bit of an underwhelming note, and that even I'm getting a bit sick of her chores. I really enjoy that I have practically no nit-picks with your writing! Makes it easy to fly through :)

Chapter 7:

if at all, her sister’s smile never seemed to falter - you may want to add, "even when faced down with my curt introductory reply" - because "It's Annie, actually" is kind of... Bitchy? :)

Just on a medical note - if that's Kathryn's way of saying someone has paranoid schizophrenia - at a dinner table, with the "patient" there - then Annie's reaction is pretty understandable. I'd be pissed. It's a bit too jargon-y (although the jargon is right). Maybe better if Annie overhears it at after dinner tea while Kathryn is telling Josephine of her suspicions? Then you can work in the jargon without the conversation feeling forced.

The sun was on its way down; it... This (and the following) sunset description feels out place with Annie's mood. Try to describe it in a way that reflects how she feels, otherwise it just seems incongruous and superfluous.

I’m a generous guy, so I shared it anyway - this... Was really funny.

Shouldn't she be a bit confused about how an ethereal being could possibly
Give her a "ride?" I'd like to see her question this a bit.

Chapter 8:

Another medical note - it's pretty unusual to dislocate a wrist. It's not the right kind of joint - I'm not even sure it's possible. It would either break or be a bad sprain (which would be also swollen and painful). I'd probably call it a bad sprain - which just requires wrapping and Advil, whereas a break would need an X-ray and a cast. (A shoulder could dislocate though and require putting back into place).

Ah. Ok, never mind on the previous crit. I'm down with Kathryn apologizing.

blindingly yellow light - the adverb could prolly just be an adjective

Schizophrenia is not a mental disability. It's a mental illness - the jargon is pretty important here for PC reasons.

- I'm confused about how he knows how to work washing machines if e was born in 1761. Shouldn't Annie be too?

- Was Caleb stalking me? - how did she come to that conclusion?

Chapter 9:

Doesn't she find it creepy that he's in her room? Doesn't she get nekkid in there?

They’d have wealth, surely, but their status would forever undermine my own.” - I think there's something wrong with this sentence. It's the opposite of what he was previously saying. How could their status undermine HIS? Wouldn't it be vice-versa if anything?

"Now, our relationship was purely physical" - I'm skeptical. It's 1780. Unless they were getting up to more than just walking on their "long walks" ;)

My theory, based on what I’ve seen, is that only people who’ve died an unnatural death, say by murder or suicide, become ghosts. Dying of old age has thus far let people cross to ‘the other side’.” - what about dying young of infections etc? Where does that fall? What defines dying "of old age" or "ahead of your time?"

Ugh. I stopped critiquing and just started reading. It gets so good once you introduce Caleb! Now I'm sleep-deprived, behind on my work, and I still have to gather some thoughts up to chapter 13. I'll try to come up with those crits tonight, but good work!

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Chapter 4;

I really liked this chapter - specifically the latter half. Things are really coming together! Your writing, as usual, is truly eloquent. My only thing I'm noticing is that you use "for" instead of "because" which reads pretty old-school. Not too many modern 19/20 year old slackers would narrate that way, you know?

Also - I think maybe you're lacking in tangible characters. The plot for the first few chapters is slow, but you drop hints which is good. If you do a rewrite, could you have a quirky dude dropping in and out to, for example, drop off mail or pick up some of Gran's produce? Maybe even better if he hints at the ghost? It would be extra-entertaining if he was a real quirky dude. Just a thought.

Also - maybe a flashback scene/further explanation of how Peter and Annie are so close? We're they neighbours growing up?

Chapter 5:

More of a descriptor crit: that gave an astonishing view over the valley, in which Greenock spread into a labyrinth of identical houses. - in the previous para, you describe the landscape as "beautiful" and here - an astonishing view. Rather than tell me that, give me an astonishing view! Get creative with your description (I do like labyrinth of houses - but what kind of houses?), and bust out those writing chops.

"That he wouldn’t believe in ghosts wasn’t an issue, but that he didn’t trust me to make the judgement hurt more than I let him know. " - make the judgement doesn't really make sense to me in this context. Make what judgement?

Otherwise, great hook to end the chapter, and otherwise great writing. The only thing I'd caution: take care in the funnier scenes to remain succinct - dont get too wordy or the joke will get lost in the writing. Brevity = wit.

Ok, hope that helps!

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Chapter 3:
Cool! It's heating up (cooling down?) a bit.

The whole "someone is watching me" thing feels a bi obvious. I think it might be neater if you drop hints here (and maybe a hint or two in chapter 2), via a strange occurrence or noise or an inexplicable object being moved.

send me with a one-way ticket to Hell - doesn't quite work. Maybe "buy me a one-way...."

"white, buttoned shirt and dully green khaki-shorts" - so nit-picky, but why not just dull green?

Adam, the border collie, - this is kind of an awkward introduction to the dog - there's no personal connection that makes us assume that Annie knew Adam. Maybe I misse him in chapter 2, but if not, maybe you should say "Gran's border collie" or something. Otherwise - given the history that she's never at the farm, it's not a given that she'd be familiar with the dog, or that we should assume there was one at the house.

There's nothing else I find "wrong" with the chapter at all. Again, your writing continues to be smooth and engaging. It's genuinely nice to read, and it has that flow we're all looking for. That said, I think her misadventure in chores are the perfect set-up for some entertaining scenarios - and the worse you give it to her (cover her in mud and horse shit, have her fall into an old well, have the DOGS laugh at her as she struggles ineptly up the hill with a bucket of water) - they're the sort of thing that makes it super-engaging.

Anyway, hope that helps. I'll start chapter four tonight. I'm into this!
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Chapter 2:

Still enjoying this. Here's a few thoughts:

Some great descriptions and character development here, but I think this chapter stalls a bit. You've got a knack for descriptive writing, and I'm definitely inside inside Annie's head. However, I think the problem is that you want a FLAWED MC, but not an UNLIKEABLE one. You're going a bit far with Annie's reluctance to help out her grandmother and her snark and her extreme laziness. There's nothing wrong with giving her these specific flaws either, as it gives her a lot to work with. However, you want to make her likeable while maintaining the flaws, then you have to make her snark funny - very funny. Work on that internal/external dialogue (that always works).

It also might be useful to lose a bit of the description of travelling stuff and replace it with some backstory (ie: how does she know Peter? We know they're friends - but nothing about how they came to be friends, and it's a bit jarring); also, maybe a bit of excitement in the chapter - maybe she sees a weird person on the train; maybe she gets into some conundrum in the new house. If there's no need for tension, then at least have a funny little anecdote in the chapter.

Anyway, a couple nitpicks:

- why is it torment for her to see pictures of old model cars? There needs to be more context here (I know that she's not literally tormented, but more - why on earth does Pete have tons of old model car photos? This seems like a plot device that doesn't quite work).
- her gran is really well-described. Make HER snark funnier too - you're losing an opportunity for some hilarious dialogue that will turn your book from publishable to bestseller.
- technically, (I think) Inverclyde/Loch Thom are in the Lowlands, not the Scottish highlands. Am I being anal? :)

H'ok, hope that's helpful. I'll get to chapter 3 tomorrow.
E


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YARG: A Ghost Story.

Chapter 1:
No joke. - You're opening sentence of Chapter 1 is fucking sick. It's really good. In fact, the whole first paragraph kills me. Good start. On the preface - I'm kind of "meh." I'm a little worried it's a bit melodramatic, you know? But then, with the sales of Twilight etc, maybe that's good. I'm undecided, but I think you should maybe reconsider how it's written? Up to you of course.

"Blue summer light" - feels a bit impossible. Blue summer sky, yes. Blue light - more for rainy/gloomy days, no? Also, you have really, really good lyricism and flow - I think you know this. "Shining in through a wall..." doesn't fit that flow. What about "pouring through?" (I don't know to use "Streaming through" because that seems a bit cliche... but you probably didn't for the same reason).

"diving into the realm of hopeless romantics where she was brave enough to speak" - this is really good. Really Good.

It's funny, semantics, but "I"m not that into getting drunk" comes off a lot judgier than "I'm not that into drinking." Or "I don't really drink much." Just a thought.

Ha. Annie's getting sent to Scotland for the summer. That's actually a good punishment.

Okay, overall, you're obviously a very good writer. You've got that "thing." I'm also down with the character - Annie's a lazy gamer, obviously smarter than her grades would suggest, and there's a lot that I find intriguing about her. She's got serious potential. I want to be her friend/I want to smack her on the back of the head. I know a bit about her family. This is all great. I actually want to head to the next chapter (but I can't because I have to go now), but this is a seriously promising start.

I'll get to another one soon, and I"m sorry I don't have much to "critique." You're on your way, Sabina! This is a good one.
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Hey,
So this is really good for younger audiences - smooth, fast-paced, unfussy. The story knows where it's going, and leads you there with haste. Which is good.
The voice: Ryan's character is a strong one. Imperfect, relatable, most importantly - fun! Curiosity, in my opinion, is never a bad thing and should never be discouraged in children. That said, you maintain a strong moral compass throughout without the ambiguity there. Good. He's fun to follow.
Overall: room for improvement. I've pointed out some description-lacking and maybe some issues with dialogue in the nit-picks below. Depending on what age your aiming for, I do think the plot could do with a bit of filler actually. It feels like you're deathly afraid of adding "too much' - when in reality, you could probably round it out a bit. There's a lack of complexity, and it could be nice to see a tiny bit. I've pointed out a place where that might work in terms of plot in the chapter-nits, but I also think it would be good to see a bit more description of Ryan, Jason, and his Mum. So far, the peripheral characters are falling a bit flat, and I don't have a picture of them.

Otherwise, a very good start! Hopefully some of this is useful.
E

Chapter 1:
... no matter how hard I try, I keep on getting into trouble (no need for the "on" here).
I'm not sure that "I bopped him one" is a very common term nowadays.
how can he see the chicken coop when he can't see the swingset?
get rid of "Aw, Mom - it doesn't fit with the frenetic tone of the rest of the sentence"
- I think humungous is misspelled. it's Humongous.
- did Ryan "bop him one" or did he wreck his model? because in both scenarios it's because he wasn't allowed to play cars... see the problem?
- why does Ryan have a foul mouth? because he said "nuts?" don't use random "Mom chastisements" unnecessarily - it's too confusing for kids reading.
chapter 2:
- A lot of dialogue starts with "Aw..." In this chapter alone, There's and "Aw, come on Ryan" and "Aw, come on Mom"
- kicking the rest of the print to kingdom come - well, he's not really kicking it far (and would probably be stomping on it, right?) - I'd get a bit more creative with this description.
- kids don't say "Man! What an imagination!" - that's a pretty adult analysis. While we're at it - I don't have a good idea of Ryan or Jason's ages.
- would it have been hard for Ryan to "carefully remove" a bunch of old wooden boards? (what I'm saying is that you're rushing things. Sometimes it's nice to slow down and describe actions - the way he'd have to bundle them up against himself to move them, and some of them might fall all over the floor, and they might be pretty heavy for a kid)
- I have no idea why you have a second exclamation mark after "wagging her finger at me!" but it's pretty unnecessary. Also, Ryan's mum is intense.
Chapter 3:
- where does dad keep his work shirts? That's awfully convenient that they're just... there (what I'm trying to say is that so far in this chapter, I've got no spatial awareness).
- I think, overall, that your descriptions could do with a bit of... addition. For example, you say the place was incredible, and then you describe, in one sentence, a ceiling of dirt and rock, but nothing else to make it seem incredible. Just some tunnels.
Chapter 4.
- I like the tunnel idea, and Ryan's smarts in scratching the number above the door he chooses. That's a cool plot point.
- the way you've written it, It's pretty underwhelming when he reaches water (again, no real description other than "it's water") and just turns around. It feels like a missed opportunity to add a bit of drama - maybe a mini-challenge in each tunnel?
Chapter 5:
- Uhhh... just curious - if he realized he'd gone into the wrong tunnel again, why does he keep going in the same direction instead of turning around? (I know you need it for the story, but maybe just have him notice instead of still be walking in the wrong direction at the open of this chapter. Plus, Ryan's attitude doesn't feel very continuous from the end of chapter five).
- Very good hook at the end of this chapter.
PS - also. Get. Rid. Of. Your. Exclamation. Marks! There's about 15 too many.
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It’s been a long while since I’ve read anything on here. But this is the one I want to get back to first. So here goes:
Chapter 7:
The solitary flickering flame bit in the second sentence – doesn’t honestly make much sense.
It’s really weird seeing old people strapped into their beds watching TV in nursing homes. Like Wall-E come true.
Chapter 8:
That same guy is still sat there on his own (should be sitting there)
Chapter 9:
“broad” crit: At this stage, the timeline disconnect is starting to get a little confusing. I’m honestly not sure where/when Dan is in this chapter. I realize you’re stringing the story together, but I’m starting to wonder if either you should have timeline headings or place headings at the top of each chapter to indicate what’s going on.

Chapter 10/11/12: didn’t find anything I didn’t like. In particularly, I learned what recidivist meant, and I like learning new words. It also feels more storyline-y.

Chapter 13:
I like this chapter. I do. It feels a little off though – I was really looking forward to seeing how Amber and Dan’s relationship came about, and then it came back to him back in England. I suppose the hardest bit is that it’s actually quite jumpy – I think largely because chapters are shortened in autho format. I think your time on each segment (Dan in present, Amber in past) should be longer, so that it feels less jumpy. Just a thought.

Chapter 14:
I really, really enjoyed this chapter. And “when stupid people are too stupid to realize they’re being stupid” is a true fact of life.

And that’s all I’ve got time for. Hopefully helpful.
E
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