Jack
Interesting story. I have one suggestion:
If you lose the "how did I get caught" paragraph in chapter one and modify it so it is more of a segue, like
"I was invisible. Untouchable. Until the moment it all blew up in my face" or some such phrasing to lead the reader into adventure rather than lay out precisely what is going to happen, that might be a little more mysterious.
Other than that, I think that your story and characters are quite fascinating. I do like a unrepentant storyteller view book

Jori
Thanks for your comments on Due North. Returning the read, I was surprised to find a non fiction/religioius theme...but decided to read and see what you had going on.
My impressions overall:
You have an inviting writing style that parallels many other religiously themed self help books (men are from mars etc) with a historical, first person perspective. For the angle you are seeking, it is particularly effective.

Your clear writing and willingness to use an average reading level vocabulary makes this accessible to a variety of readers. You could use one more editing for missing letters and the occasional incomplete sentence, but overall it is well done.

There is a lot of quoted scripture. I'd rather read your thoughts: perhaps a suggested study guide at the beginning of each chapter as a reference...rather than writing out everything you want the reader to know would suffice?
I'm starting chapter six. I"m not sure this is information that women HAVE to know as of yet. It is certainly an interesting overview of religious history and some of the women's roles in that history.
At times it feels less like a feminine history that I must know...and more of a personal opinion by the author who is (rightly :) outraged that we won't let kids go out to play (they might get hurt or we might get sued) yet we will set them down in front of suggestive and violent shows and games.
I agree, to a point, but fail to see how this ties in to feminine historical knowledge I ought to know.
I might suggest that what you have here are a few different works combined...
1)an interesting religious history of the world,
2)an interesting feminine religious history, and
3)a social commentary on morals and child raising in today's society.

I will, however, finish the remaining few chapters as it is a fairly familiar topic for me, all the way around, and you seem to be fairly educated on all the topics presented. view book

It's late but I made it through the last chapter...Poor Dio! The adventure grows with each chapter. It feels like a Lloyd Alexander read in the best sense. The characters are coming to life! When is the next book coming out? view book

Bea, this is a fast, fun read.
I'm sympathetic for Holly, unusual for me, as young female characters are usually written as annoying, whiney and weepy. Good job there. I like her, like Charlie so far, and actually, I'm impressed with the range of characters you created and are artfully juggling.
There are the odd blips and edit needs, of course, but the overall feeling is so easy and fun it doesn't matter. Another writer on here said (paraphrasing, here,) that there are some books that all the editing in the world won't fix.
The opposite is true here. Overall, the story is fresh, funny, and reads like one of those fantastic English movies that come out once a year or so with a big varied cast, like "Love, Actually".
I'll have space on my bookshelf in a day or so, and then i'm backing this.
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Cara
I tried to message earlier but the screen changed...my computer...so this may be a repeat, but better safe.
James asked me to check out your book, so here I am :)
I'm a few chapters in and I'm very interested to see what happens after the siege. The prose interspersed is pretty, but I'm not really sure how it fits in, so I may go back and re-read.
In chapter two you handle the dialogue well.
I thought it was interesting how the young girl who had been masquerading as a boy (why?) wanted to be herself for the blacksmith's son, just for one day, yet was worried that he would only see her as a pretty girl. It seemed to me that she'd have one of two motivations: She liked him and was looking for an excuse to show him who she really was, or she was in danger of discovery and needed help. Or some other very compelling reason.
Then again, I'm only three chapters in, so I will read on and see if I can answer my own question :)
The writing is professional and the story line, intriguing. I have you bookmarked and starred and will keep reading!
Jen
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Loving the story!


A few simple suggestions:
the third sentence may need a tiny edit, because it contradicts the first line.

"Today was a day like any other."
"But today was slightly different."

How about something like this?
"In the den of the Brotherhood of Theives, the day seemed to start like any other...they were going to steal something. As far back as the Brothers could remember, this was how every day started. What most of the Brothers didn't know, was that today was going to be different."

ok:) my edit is a little awkward, but the point is that the two opening sentences should support eachother.

"The Brotherhood was an order of what we might call professionals." This addresses the reader.

"One country it avoided, and that was Arcadia. Why? Because..." The Q&A...is the reader
addressed throughout?

A good literary device is to introduce the story through the eyes of a newcomer.
He will need pertinent information, and the readers can learn everything they need to know through him. How about Coren? We don't meet him until chapter three...

All this aside...
What a charming story. Your writing reminds me of Lloyd Alexander's "First Two Lives of Lukas Kasha"
which is one of my all time top ten books.
Get an editor to shape you up a bit, and you'll have a smash hit. The land, the old fashioned
feeling, the fun characters, the airships, a princess, a wicked man hiring honorable thieves...
I really like the premise. I can visualize illustrations! If you ever need an illustrator...please look me up. Your writing is very visual and strikes in a riot of colors and imagery.
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Read through chapter five. I love pirate tales! Adrianna promises to be a great lead character and I look forward to reading more.
Suggestions:
1)Chapter one strikes me as a good opportunity for a dream-like prologue, told from a child's perspective. This would effectively show the reader what is happening without having to actively put in "telling" sentences.

2) Adrianna seems to adjust to all this terror and grief very quickly. She is in three new situations in nearly as many chapters

3) LORD is a bit emphatic, especially repetitively

4) "voices holding concern" is a bit awkward

5) "...harm a woman?" trying to muffle his emotion. is a bit awkward.
"...harm a woman?" He whispered, turning away to hide his grief. '
or something to include the subject in the dialogue's descriptive would work.

7) The characters fall in and out of vernacular. Consistency in speech, clothing and surroundings are a huge part of setting a scene for me as a reader.

8) How old is she initially? Her mother basically gave her the "no sex before marriage" speech as she was dying...

All in all, however,
Good idea for a story, interesting and varied characters. I'm going to keep reading. view book

Sharda...
Just started reading and found myself three chapters in without realizing how fast I was going.
The opening scene is great. Who thinks of having their character taken out by a circus polar bear? :)
I'll keep going tomorrow. I'm excited to find out what happens with Ruby.

Jen view book

Madison
wow. You have a compelling story with distinctive characters, and more, you have a writing style that is clear and easy to read. The dialogue (my center of the universe from which everything turns) lets us in on details, reveals character traits, and does it all effortlessly. The narrative is informative and pushes the story along without being awkward or preachy.
I'll read anything you write...that's for sure.

Jen view book

Because of the present tense this reads like an outline... an easy fix would be to make it first person and have either a narrator or let the characters tell the story. It could use a thorough edit for the sp. and grammar.
I'm interested to see where the characters go because you have done a good job setting them up;
the dialogue is good in some spots and stilted in some spots...college students generally are informal speakers.
The southern accent is difficult to read around...I'd suggest using y'all instead of "ya" for the girl.
The scene set up for the characters is good, I'm right there with them, easily able to imagine their setting. You do have a good way of moving them around.
You obviously did some research on the medical and musical aspects...all you need is just enough information to give the reader an idea of what is going on. You used a lot of terminology for both the doctor and the professor that 1) some people won't get and 2) made the hospital feel like a blow by blow recanting instead of a fast paced emergency.
Let me know when you get this edited...I'd like to look it over again.
Overall, interesting storyline. Good luck! view book

I'm a fan of Rudge aleady. Poor sod. He sounds as though he could use a little spice in his life...
I found this on the comedy writers' forum and liked your pitch. I'll come back tomorrow and get specific about what I read, just wanted to say that I like it. view book

ha ha
this is adorable.
I love the Fairy Godmother with Alzheimer's, the pragmatic witch from Hansel and Gretel...this could spark some real interest in the film making business....kind of a funnier fractured fairy tales.
Love it. view book

I've cruised through 16 chapters so far. You have laid out an interesting storyline...but I feel like I missed out on the first two parts of a trilogy! This beautiful photographer keeps dating hot men who cheat...what happened? Does she have daddy issues? Bad taste or bad luck?
I'm going to say first that your descriptive writing is excellent. I can literally see your scenes.
I'm going to say second that I have three suggestions for your lead character.
1) She sleeps every chapter. Maybe she could be editing photos or something in her downtime?
2) She weeps a lot. Do you read Janet Evanovitch's Stephanie Plum novels? Sometimes giving your lead a quirky sense of humor or sharp dry wit or something other than stunning good looks gives her more scope in a scene so she can handle uncomfortable situations in different ways each time.
3) She moves on really quickly...I understand that she'd been unhappy and that she had feelings for the singer previously, and revenge sex is one thing but I'd like to see her make him go on the hunt just a little.

And that's all I have, really. Your vocab is great, your dialogue is flowing, your scenes are gorgeous.
Your writing is fresh and the story is entertaining and I'm going to finish it tomorrow when I have more time.
Oh! Before I forget. Gabby.
Is she on a mission? Will I find out later? She is awfully blunt, and aggressively interested in what's going on around her...does she have a motive or is she really that ingenuous?
Can't wait to find out!

Jen view book

I'm captivated...and so very glad that I am not the daughter of an old fashioned Greek couple.
Your writing is fresh. Your dialogue is appropriate.
You have that thing...that knack for words...that even some writers with the largest vocabularies and funniest turns of phrase can't capture.
Your prose is so subtle that I forgot I was reading. I'm backing this. view book

Wow. This reads like a real book...I don't have anything nit picky. I think the story is interesting...the prose is so well written...
I'll keep cruising through it throughout the next few days view book

Kate, that does help. I'm a descriptive junkie....I swear I take out a hundred adverbs per page every time I edit :)
Thanks for the read...and I promise that the little things like the files start to make more sense the further along you get. However, it shouldn't grab attention right away, so back to the editing board!

Jen view book

Haha Europeans crack me up.
I can see this as kind of a sexy travel guide...
I'm starring it and have a place on my bookshelf opening up in a couple of days:) view book

I loved the cover and the pitch immediately. I am also impressed with your writing style...very evocative and flowing. All I can say other than that is...in the first few paragraphs when the old man talks to himself, (and we know it's to himself) I'd specify that he's talking to himself.
The slightly formal tone is charming. I'm going to star highly, and will come back to read more soon. view book

The narration is a dizzying mix of uneducated intelligence...the story is vulgar yet compelling. There is a huge cast of characters and the absolute lack of decency is the foundation for the whole work.
Every once in a while a character steps forward and becomes real.
The descriptions of location and violence and sex are impeccably written.
I can't find any faults with the flow of the story or the writing itself.
I'm never able to read something written in lexicon or slang, but I found myself on chapter 21 before I knew what was happening.
I'm still not sure I like it, but what I do know is that a tremendous amount of work and talent went into this. I do think you should strongly consider turning it into a screenplay.
I'm really really not sure how I feel about it, but I think I'll have to back it on principle alone...I have not seen a more polished (despite the narrator's speech patterns) writing style on this site. view book

bahaha dolphin noises :) view book