Hello Leonard Banks,

I read Ch#1 and 2 and then scanned 10 to get a quick view of “Tide and Time –At The Rock”

Ch# 1 : Rich , the protagonist, gave me a nostalgic recollection of my own association with a few ‘one man army’ instructors who ,despite being capable , were given a step-motherly treatment by several academic bodies.It also made me reminisce about a dozen of ‘crash courses’ I underwent at various points of time in my life.

The college in Ch#3 reminded me of the one where I studied in the 1987-90. The students were left high and dry by nonchalant lecturers,leaving them little option but to resort to external tutions.Barring a few individuals of integrity, many of the teachers were not worth their salt.But when it was time for the laurels , when the results of the courses were announced and some of the students fared well,the management staked its claim , coming as it did from nowhere.It came up with ‘false statistics’ ,just as you have mentioned, that “ this college has 90% success rate”,so on an so forth….

Another aspect that you have depicted nicely is the apathy of the academics towards the experts in industry,in the process ,playing the proverbial ‘dog in the manger’ of pedagogy.The much talked about Education-Industry collaboration ,more often than not , runs into troubled waters thanks to the high-handed attitude of the academia.

Ch#3 is also a grim reminder of the fact that it is not always the merit and competence that prevail,but the vested interests and expediency of the powers-that-be.

Not wanting to miss out on the finer points you make ,I switched to Ch#10 for a brief overview of the book.’Rafting ‘was a cogent piece of literary work,I must say.Management is as much about a psychological and behavioral analysis of the people under your tutelage as it is about leading from the front and troubleshooting.You have hit the nail on the head.

And my penchent for nit-picking could not help me find even a single error/typo or a departure from grammatical norms.

The way the nuggets of organizational wisdom are woven/incorporated into the narrative makes it an easy read which obviously sets it apart from the other run-of the-mill tedious and high-brow motivation books that glut the scene.

Awarding Five stars!

Ths & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello P.J.O’Reilly,

I read the prologue and Chapter#1 of “DEVERAUX”.

It is a strange kind of story that you are telling , and you do it pretty well.

To tell you the truth, the rare combination of a monk and an alien in the prologue had me in splits(It is like telling the story of a dinosaure and a bishop)-two diametrically opposite entities which make for a least- expected combo.

In the third para of the prologue, ‘unfortunately ‘ appears twice in successive sentences.

‘Nobody noticed two vertical beams of light….” >>>>>>>>>>.You have already told us that there was nobody out (“…...inhabitants were cowering in their homes”) in the torrential rain,so it goes without saying that nobody would be around to see it all.

In my view, the para. where the aliens appear needs to be embellished and strengthened. [I mean - “Amidst the unrelenting thunderstorm, two sporadic vertical beams of light struck the hill .All of a sudden ,two creepy little creatures from nowhere were left floundering about in the muddy water and rubble……..etc. etc.” –along that line,sorry to impinge on your right to tell your tale your way,but just my opinion].It would have been better if you had given it an HD(High Definition)clarity.Imagine you are monitoring the event through the view-finder of a camera.

Another ……………forest’s FLOOR’>>>>>>(you mean ‘terrain/land/ground’?)

The Ist Chapter is nearly flawless , with an endearing protagonist ,the caving enthusiast ,Philip making preparations for his latest venture which sure holds the reader bound to the narrative.

“ …and wondered should he really bother going caving on…’>>>>>>>>>>>>it should have been “….and wondered if he should..)
‘…..production SLOW DOWN dramatically in the seventies’ >>>>>>>>>>(slowing down….)
‘was EMBLAZED on the fascia board…..”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(emblazoned?)
By contrast, the ist chapter has more flow than the prologue.

The medal with ‘Deveraux ‘ engraved on it , as the title of novel suggests, is destined to play a pivotal role in the later stages of the story, I suppose.

It was ,overall , a bizarre experience going through the tale that has a heady mix of aliens , caves, adventures and lots of engaging characters. Not many can tell a story set against such a backdrop as this .

It certainly is an intriguing tale ,coming as it is from a versatile mind.
Five Stars.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Al-Harth,

I read Chapters 1 to 7 of “The forgotten Alamgir- The six secrets”

You have an inimitable style and enviable knowledge of history.

And the way you have explained your own long name,especially Guddahra,astounds me no end.
It is quite obvious that you have done extensive research into the subject matter before embarking on the project.

While I am amazed at your grasp of even subtle historical facts , their historicity remains questionable.But , okay, it is a paranormal story with no pretense of historical authenticity.

Glorifying Aurangzeb as the greatest king of India(in the pitch) ,is tantamount to reading history upside down,to say the least.

One who had committed the most heinous act of parricide, Aurangzeb's greatest sin, perhaps, was the incarceration of his own sister ,Begum Jahanara( you seem to have forgotten her!)with their father Shah Jahan.History has it that she was condemned to spend her entire lifetime tending to her father in the prison ,eventually dying old, while still being a spinster. Can anybody be more callous ?

Unlike his ancestors he was the nemesis of art and literature, I believe.He was known as a religious fanatic ,a bigot and an eccentric character all rolled into one .

That he slapped Jezia , discontinued earlier by Akbar, on non-muslims is a pointer to the fact that he was less popular with his subjects.Also the Mughal dynasty never saw any strong inheritor after Auragzeb strengthens this argument.(Imposing Jeziya on Hindus in India is akin to levying tax on Muslims in Iran or Saudi Arabia or like forcing Christians to pay tax in Israel-the place where the respective religions were born).Of course every ruler comes under political and religious compulsions which prompt them “ showing others to be a deeply religious man, but from inside a sinful heart”as you have made Aurangzeb say in Ch#2.
To his credit, it must be said that he was a devout Musalman:he made hand- written copies of the Holy Quran , stitched Topis(hats) to earn the money to meet his personal expenses.

Speaking of Muslim rulers who were considered great, you have Giazuddin Balban, the first ruler of the slave dynasty(Who , for your surprise , never laughed or smiled-I do not know why) , and Shersha Suri(Whose roars during wars could paralyze enemies even several miles off ! ), both able administrators and warriors.Then there is Akbar the Great,the clever politician and diplomat who was also a Powerful Emperor. Beyond the subcontinent, Haroon –Al-Rasheed of Bagdad, needless to say, would make an undisputed hero.

In Ch#2, Auragzeb says.” Yet not a weak Hindu”-that , being one who believes in Sanadhana Dharma-or Hinduism,I find to be objectionable.It is the circumstances that make people cowards or valiant.The fact that Alexander the Great faught his last war in India stands testimony to the strength and valor of Hindus( It still is a debatable point as to whether Alexander defeated King Porus or not).Further, Chandragupta Maurya , the forefather of Ashoka the Great, defeated Sellucas Niketor , Alexander’s Satrap, and ,even married the latter’s daughter, receiving 1000 elephants in dowry! FYI ,Chandragupta Maurya’s kingdom had extended upto Iran, which qualifies him to be the Greatest King India ever produced.

Having said it all, you are well within your rights to interpret historical events the way you wish as many famous writers have done.In a writer’s deft hand a hero becomes a zero and vice versa.He can denigrate or glorify any personage at his will-that’s literay license.(In the latest best seller, ‘The Achilles Song”, the protogonist is shown to be a gay.Oliver Stone’s Alexander ,movie , I think, has the eponymous hero indulge in homo-sexual romance.The Christ of Khazandth Zthachis(or Martin Scorzeze' s film) ‘ The Last Temptation of Christ ‘ is not the one Jesus we had heard of )

Ther are a few malapropisms and typos which could easily be fixed in you next edit.Some of them are:-

# In the Pitch- ‘Auragzed DOES NOT BE ABLE to believe it>>>>>>>>>(could not believ it)
# In ch#1 …..I had BORE it>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(BORNE?)
#making other TO cry >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘to ‘ not required)
#OUTSKIRTS of my eyes turned red>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(outskirts of a city is okay, but…)
#In Ch#2 , the start of my January was on 4 Nov 1618>>>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘journey?)
#Chenghis was semantist?>>>>>>>>>>>>>(I heard he was a follower of the pagan cult of Mangolia)
#In Ch#4, ‘ADOBE of RELIGIOUS priest>>>>>>>>>>( abode of Christian missioneries)
# The last sentence of Ch#4 seems incomplete.
# Ch#6 ‘ So immense was the intensity>>>>( although not incorrect ,sounds tautological)
# IMITATED HER IN HER CRYING >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(was he trying to mimic/copy her or fool her by doing so? Was he sincere in doing so? If yes , imitate is a wrong choice)
#When Auragzeb says that he was the Mughal King of India , Nargis was not at all taken aback ?

Your Auragzeb is at times remorseful and introspective which puts him in a totally different light.

The romance between Auragzeb and Annie has been so cleverly depicted that nobody will find it necessary to check the facts.And that is the triumph of a writer.

The motif of Papaya tree is aptly used to spark curiosity.And the six secrets of the Emperor-they are really fantastic and speak volumes for your gifted imagination.

Aurangzeb’s exchanging his life, at the deathbed, with that of a ghost is a good idea and you have developed it very well.It reminds one of the ‘transmigration of soul’ done by Adi Shankara in 800AD when he left his body in the care of his deciple while his soul resurrected a dead king by entering his body miles and miles away.

The second paragraph of Ch#1 as well as the first paras of other chapters could be outstanding for their wonderful use of metaphors ,provided they are subjected to a minor editing.

The flow of the narrative and therefore the readability of your work are praiseworthy.

I had always been a searcher of strange historical anecdotes , particularly the missing links and those discrepencies that still lie unanswered .I ,too, liked to read between the lines in historical texts.In you , I can see more than a match for me, that too at such a tender age. You have done an excellent job of writing a book packed with so much startling facts and fiction that It heralds the rise of a young new voice.

And a salute to your knowledge of Geography!

All the above points are only my personal views and not intended to challenge or offend you in any way whatsoever.

Five Stars!

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Chenier Seaton.

I just read the prologue of your book “Sedona” as you had told me to .

You have a good story there ,of a girl who had been ’ transplanted’ into a totally different milieu against her will, but eventually finds it to be a life changing experience as she goes through various relationships .

#The usages like .>>>>>>>>>>>>>more trials THEN & ………..In more way THEN>>>>>>>>>>are observed a couple of times .(It should have been ‘than’)
#In the 4th para, ………..I took one good look at him IN KNEW he was …..>>>>>>>>>( and?)
#It amazed me how easy well fill in step beside one another>>>>>>>>>>>(not clear)
#I felt AS ** I’d known him forever>>>>(as if )
# relationship TOGETHER>>>( it is redudancy,’together’ is not necessary)
#I found it hard to even BEGAN to think>>>>>>>>>( begin)
# ‘My self ‘ has been written as separate words a couple of times>>>(myself)
3 to forget the PASSED WITH >>>>>>( the past)
#to leave me FOR dead>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘for’ not required)
# one typo….body could take no ORE >>>>>>>>>(more)
Destiny was INNER Changeable>>>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘inter’? if so with what?)

I think what you have uploaded is the first draught and it needs to be edited thoroughly.

As the pitch suggests , the story surely has a romantic tang to it. The penultimate para. , especially the line ‘I was beaten and broken by love’ was outstanding.

Keep writing and refining your craft.

Four stars, for now.

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC
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Hello NMott,
Thanks for the DESTRUCTIVE criticism you have offered.
While I acknowledge the fact that there are errors /anomalies in the diction and cohesion ,I am pretty confident that my English is much better than that of many native speakers of the language.

Since English belongs to the Aryan language category,having been originated from Sanskrit/Latin,it is not as much a foreign language to me as it is to some others!
You have in your comment said of 'errors in grammar'- that , let me tell you, shows you still have to go back to your basics,for there cannot be errors in grammar.But there could be ungrammatical usages.(Look up Eric Partridges "Usage and Abusage ' for more details.
So,get your own rudiments correct before launching into such assault.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

Hi and thank you for asking me to check out your book. Unfortunately it is obvious that English is not your first language and so many of your word choices are wrong and there are also errors in grammar and syntax littering the text. My advice in such cases is that it would be best to try to get published in your native language and hope that your publisher will pay for it to be professionally translated into English for the foreign market. All the best with the writing

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Hello Bed Prakash Bhatta,

I read Chapters 1,2,3 & 11 of “For Now and Forever”.

You have successfully transported the reader to a fictitious realm called ‘Auscheeria’.The complexity of the plot speaks volumes for the writers commendable imaginative faculties.

One thing that is quite conspicuous is the unmistakable influence of your mother tongue on your language - much like the Indian English is called ‘Hinglish’.As some one who is not a native speaker of English I too have to tide over this problem. Most of the Indians writing in English have this element in their syntax and semantics. I , to overcome this hurdle, often incline myself more towards foreign writing-not because I loath writings in my own country to which mine is also a part of , but because I want to avoid the so called regional tinge of the language.

I have noticed a few points which have been appended below:-

#In your pitch,you say ‘hitherto TOLD venture…>(you mean hitherto untold?)
Again in the pitch- realm UNDER WHICH>>>>>>>>>>>>>( in which)
And ……………ONCE DESTINED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(both not necessary- destiny is once and for all-it goes without saying that once you are destined to do something ,there can be no change in it)

#In Ch.1- ……desructing BY its own will>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(at)
# ….gloomy days never LEARN TO remain apart from THE happiness>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(learn to,the –not necessary- it is a general /universal truth that you are stating)
#knocked ** the door>>>>>>>>>>>>( at/on the door)
#Schiefam openS the door>>>( tense changes to the present , a problem I also have had)
#amazeS at the sight >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(tense changes to the present)
#A landslide BREAK OUT>>>>>>>>>( occurred, if it is a fire ,you are right)
# The CHAIN was brocken>>>>( which chain? , you mean that of silence /a bemused state?)
# some times DESTINY has a lot to FAVOUR>>>>>>>>(Destiny? …. favour whom?---------favour us/you-
or did you mean , calamities are , at times, a blessing in disguise?)
# They were PUTTING OFF their clothes>>>>>>>>>>>( taking off)
# “My wife placed the call…” >>>>>>>>( a simple “ It’s my wife calling me …! “ -will do )
#They did the quench of thirst>>>>>>( though correct It is awkward - should have been “they quenched their thirst .”)
#...and got apart IN THE PRESENCE OF TEARS.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( in the presence of a humaan being / animal, ---------how about ‘they bade a tearful adieu’?)
# ” Beware the days are to be counted”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(What you have written is a direct translation of your tongue; In English it is rendered into “Your days are numbered!”)
#..kept them UNNOTICED>>>>>>>>>>>( say ,ignored)
#..He turned out mad in revenge >>>>>>>>>>>>>( He instantly became mad and vengeful)

#In Ch.2, Erina put OFF the candles>>>>>>>>>>>>( put out=extinguish,; put off= postpone )
#Getting hold of virginity>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( you get hold of somebody’s hand/tie/bag/collar,--- you mean – retaining/protecting /preserving on’s virginity or keeping one’s virginity intact)
# NOTICE Father Augustine >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Notify)
# ….”my feelings get XEROXED”>>>>>>>>>>>>>(RECIPROCATED[Xerox corporation can sue you for this as they have objected to the word being used for a copy taken on any machine other than XEROX’s)
#If you won’t HEAR my plight”>>>>>>>>>>( hear about/of or consider my plight)
# Edward injected Schiefam ……..from a cruise ship>>>>>>>>>>>(make it a separate para and elaborate,if possible.
#BOAT heading for Auscheeria …,the captian of the SHIP>>>>>>>>>>>>>( the boat now became a ship!)

#In Ch.3,NAMESAKE fiancee..>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘phoney’/bogus/fake/an imposter ? - by the way ,namesake means a person or thing which has the same name as the other in question. check dictionary for details))
#The Supreme being knowS . …must be his APPETTITE for a a child APART FROM gender>>>>>>>>>( Tense change…………must be his yearning to have a baby,regardless of gender)
# NITTY –GRITTY affair>>>>>( you mean fraudulent? Please check the meaning of Nitty –Gritty, it has a ‘good ‘ meaning)
#’secret BEHOLDS secret”.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(behold means ‘see’, is that what you mean?)
# the car GOT BLAZED with fire>>>>>>>>>( exploded?)
# and waiting *** someone>>>>>>>>>>(waiting for someone)
#furiousness>>>>>>>>( fury)
#but silence got victory>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(though the meaning is understood, does not look okay, as it is old- fashioned..say silence prevailed?)
# glorifying ,Mount Everest><<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Glorious)
#ARCHITECT RICH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(reknowned for its marvellous ancient Archtecture)
#BONDAGE between>>>>>>>( bond, bondage has connotation to slavery,check dictionary for details)
#Despite OF THE fact>>>>>>>>( Despite the fact /In spite of the fact)
#Nepalese were just thought** ** the brave ones>>>>>>>>>>( thought of as the brave ones)
#His views towards Nepal was …..change>>>>>>>>>>>( his view of Nepal happened to be one of a country in a state of flux)
#thew all his MORALE>>>>>>>( you mean ‘morality’?)
# he wanted to get an insight of the city>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(insight into the heart/mind etc… of something)
# HEARTH of the volcano>>>>>>>>>>>>>( heart or hearth?)
#......bothered to CARE *** his own life >>>>>>( care for somebody)
#Flight THROUGH desert, seas,….( over)
#”Can we meet….today?” Suyula said.<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(asked, for it is a question)
#typo ---------else he may RUN your life >>>>>>>>( ruin)
#said with BOLDNESS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(? with affirmation/affirmatively)
#..with her IN EVERY PART OF TIME,>>>>>>>>>>( eternally,infinitely/forever)
#Good exterior BUILT hollow inside >>>>>>>( but?)
#inserted the disc in CD-ROM >>>>>>( I think the disk itself is called CD-ROM[Compact Disc - Read Ony Memory]- you mean inserted it into a drive /player?)
#The last para in Ch.3,”……The real motive…….” ,could have been avoided as it has spilt the beans so early.Of course ,the writer can intervene as and when he chooses to do so , but must retain the suspense element of the story while he does it.

# In Ch.11,..There was a NEXT man’s ………..>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(another man’s)
#..his last call was PLACED to his personal doctor>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(traced)
#What is holding my BREATHE…..>>>>>>>(breath(noun))
#..........have been working **my life.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(all my life)
#I just thought what method SHOULD I OPT.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(what method I should opt for.(if it is a questin or one that ends with a? then what you wrote is correct.But this is a thought,a soliloquy and not a question to anybody)

Mind you, all these points are syntactical in nature and can be sorted out through further reading and writing . I am not a qualified critic ,as my profile says,and all the views expressed are personal.

The narrative ostensibly borders on the old style of story telling reminiscent of Tagore,Tolstoy et al.
When you write a story you will do well to remember that ( I value this statement of Ernest Hemingway,and it means everything there is to know for a raconteur)”The dignity of movement of an iceberg lies in only one tenth of its being above water”
An iceberg’s 1/10 th part is only above water surface.And it applies a story as well ,let the reader guess the rest/message therin/the climax/denoument.)

I must tell you that the first paragraph in Ch.11, “ the matchbox girl” was so immaculate and poignant a depiction of a hapless girl that if it was put up as a prologue it would have instantly caught the attention of even the fleeting /cursory eyes of readers.I think you have quite flawlessly and beautifuly written it.It still lingers in my mind - the girl ,afraid of her mother’s scolding, lighting the matchsticks one after the other and dreaming in the biting cold .Her lifeless body forever reminding us of a frigid world bereft of love and innocence.It was classic piece,I must say,Bed Prakash .

4 stars for your work.
Keep refining your craft .Reinvent yourself.Cheers.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Jane Lawry,

I have read the prologue and Chapters 1 & 2 of “The Genealogists :On Holy Ground”.

A prologue evocative of the macabre opening scene of some Hollywood blockbuster.

The first Chapter has been beautifuly written especially the para where you depict Shade Elliot descending the hill silhouetted against the sundown.

The line “The sun had faded into the moon and stars” caught my eye, for the simple yet brilliant imagination therein.

The maid in Chapter2 ,Maria, a nurse wannabe ,who dreams of owning ‘ a car that beeps when it is unlocked’ seems to be a sensible girl capable of playing a responsible role in the episodes to come.

The smooth evolution of the narrative and the intriguing plot are indicative of a seasoned yet ingenious mind at work .

A brilliant work that deserves a fair share of the Fantasy/suspense thriller readership.

5 stars.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Emily.N.Ashley,

I read Chapteres 1,2 &3 of “Other Plans”.

The profound psychoanalysis of the characters the author has carried out all through the narrative is the most conspicuous aspect of this work.

I am a little bit confused by the following things>-

The last sentence in Chapter 1 says : -“ Theo would never have a legitimate reason…..,so Gloria & Theo would have to continue………forbidden from one another.” But Chapter 2 does not give enough evidence of Theo’s infidelity to substantiate the last sentence of Chapter1 ,which seems to have spilled the beans much too early

Of course ,Theo is considerate and he even empathizes with Gloria , but there is not even a single instance which suggests that he is willing to care for the other girl at the cost of his beautiful ,dear wife Desiree. That he loves her so much is borne out by this line in Chapter3 :-‘….. afraid that if she looked at him that way again he would not be able to do anything except hold her so tightly that she would never be able to think of another man but him again’.This contradicts the last sentence in Chapter1(May be they are all a figment of Gloria’s imagination ,in ChapTer .1 ?).

Then there are a few typos :-

# Ch.1, As usual, Desiree took no NOTICED of Theo’s discomfort.>(notice)
#Desiree had always been the one that THAT everyone …..>>>>>>>>>(repeatition of ‘that’)
# out **the door >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘of’ missing , in several places , may be due to the Americal English)
# Ch.2, pulling one off OF the top shelf>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘from’ would have been more suitable?)
#Ch.3, she hopped off OF>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(hopped off from him /hopped off him)

In ch.1, you have deftly handled Gloria’s mental process and self –gratification upon sneaking into the bedroom and later into the master bathroom of the new house.Every word Gloria utters (in Ch.2) was reflective of the jealousy that consumes her.

Surely , this book is one that has the promise of high octane intrigue ,betrayal and grudge and will serve as an anatomy of the complex philosophy of people who make and mar lives in this ever-changing world of never- changing humans.

Please take a look at my work "CATACOMBS" and comment.Many American writers have told me it is difficult to understand ;still I would like you to have a glance .

Six stars,Emily , for this excellent work.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

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Hello Naeim,

I read Ch.4 of “ TutamkaAtan forever” yestereday.

The drama picks up momentum as the story progresses.

A few things I obsereved here are:-
#..This was the fact which made the Pharaoh TO hold a meeting >>>>>>( ‘to’ not required)
#.”We wre obliged to make those workers…..TO cover their face lest not to be recognized. “ >>>>>>>>>>>(you mean …‘lest they will be recognized’?)
# “……Meanwhile they are guard…….”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(.. while working , they will be guarded by our soldiers ”)
# “Could you DISTINGUISH who backed them?” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with ‘identify’)
# a great number of them QUITTED>>>>>>>>>(quit)
#You have to avoid what may ARISE them >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(arouse/incite )
# your highness>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Your Highness)
#...in service of AkhanAton from the FIRST moment he took the throne>>>>>>>>>(‘first’ not rqrd)
#..in touch with those multiple PEOPLE”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(cultures?)
# The discussion went on ** * how to >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(the discussion about/as to or the discussion went on as to how to)
#...in the SOON future >>>>>>>>>>>(immediate )
#God of Gods WHOM has been >>>>>>>>>>>>(who)
# when a new portrait of the OUTNUMBERED (?) portraits………was defaced>>>>>>>>>>>>(the sentence is not clear ,please elucidate)
# to TOUCH the news>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(get/gather)
# …where he thought he could count on>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Not clear what you mean)
# “You have made me DUBIOUS about yourself,….”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (suspicious/incredulous?)
# “I have never seen ******* like them before….”>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert ‘anything’)
# ”….Nothing is mentioned ALIKE” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Nothing of the ‘kind/sort ‘ is mentioned”)
# Being deprived FROM >>>>>>>>>9of)
# SEASON plants (seasonal plants)

The New Pharaoh trying to usher in a new agenda/era of awakening, much to the dismay of the priesthood.
The novel is replete with intrigues ,power struggles and uncertainties,revoking a turbulant phase in the history of Egypt as also of the ancient world.

I will return to you with comments on Ch.5. asap.

Keep writing.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Michael Gray,


I have read chapters. 1 & 2 of “ Darkness Visible.”

You have successfully created a weird world where the babies are taken , from the ‘breeders’three months after the nursing period , to ‘the Cradle’ and reared there till the age of thirteen when they commence their education at ‘the Facility’ for the next three to eight years before coming under the hammer for the auction.

Although I am yet to find any ‘ sci’ element in the story (i.e; by the end of ch.2) ,you seem to have a very good fantasy in the making for the hungry readers of the genre.
I hope the tale would have more futuristic and innovative concepts as it slowly unfolds .

A couple of things I noticed follow:-
#In ch.1: Jeana and * have the same focus ,so we….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘I’ missing)
#‘amharats’ &’ nefarins’ could have been italicized .
# Oh, no, I went TO far>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘too’?)
#In ch.2 ,Check the spelling of JeaNNa>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(two NN for Jeana)

[I had never been an avid reader of sci-fi(I am still in the world of Jules Verne , H.G.Wells,and ,of course, Mary Shelley ,when it comes to sci-fi,).But from whatever I have , I feel any sc-fi worth its name should postulate/expostulate an idea.It must propound a new theory.

Is sc-fi all about the one-man-army saving the the world from aliens? Is it only about strange high-tech contraptions and VFX? I think it is also about the question of where we ,as human beings, are headed to.]

Your writing style and descriptions are indicative of a fresh mind eager to conjure up a totally different milieu from an entirely strange vantage point.

Your characters remain human to the core, the technologically advanced society they dwell in notwithstanding.
5 stars for this brilliant work .

Keep writing ,keep reinventing yourself.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Gail Cleare,

I have read chapters 1 to 4 of “Secrets We Keep.”

You get a call from a remote hospital saying that your mother is in the ICU- JOLT #1 .
Upon reaching there ,you are told by the receptionist to stay at your mother’s beautiful cottage near-by ,rather than look for some hotel- SHOCK#2
At your mom’s secret get-away spot ,you find disturbing skeletons- in -the -cupboard- TWIST #3
And you have packed all these three punches in the first chapter itself.

There ,you have a cryptic plot that can make any writer green-eyed.

The story has every ingradient a thriller should be made of .The excellent tenor of the tale speaks volumes for the effortless and effusive writing style of the author.

The link between Mary and Jake the sailor is as intriguing to Nelle as it is to the reader.

From what I have read,It is apparent that Nell had eveything going for her-with two children and a ‘one-woman-man’ husband who dotes on her (The pich says he too has a fatal flaw and some secrets of his own- which I strongly condemn – because I do not want to see the immaculate cohesion of this family shattered!).You have deftly made her everyman’s dream ,the perfect home maker(plus a gorgeous lady ,I suppose) who leaves no stone unturned to keep her house in order(No TV untill her children finish their homework!).

On the other hand , Bridget seems to have a dubious distinction with the spectre of a disquieting past haunting her , a step-daughter for whom she is nothing more than an ATM,and a junkie (although she is unaware of it) for a husband.

The way Nelle finds the key to the Cottage , how she finds the bath rob she had sewn for her mom as part of her school exercise ,Winston's style of raising his paw to greet his benefactors,etc have been so evocatively expressed in detail.(There are so many scenes noteworthy for their intricate depiction.)

The most striking feature of the book , I feel , is the simple unassuming language you have used to tell your story , which only adds to the flow and beauty of the narrative.

A thriller that leaves nothing much to be desired.An excellent work.
6 stars !

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Naeim ,

I just read Ch.3 of "TutankhAton Forever".
The story promises to be quite intriguing .With necessary editing it could become a fantastic book.Some times the phrases and slang in the writer's tongue mixes in and cause a clash of meanings.

In the Pitch - "...where the reader only can decide who....(who would emerge victorious/triumphant.)
In the tags- spell check -ASSASSINATION, (Capital case -'e'gypt)

A few things I noticed in Ch.3 follow:-
# "......we know all that...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(we all know that
# ...He will not miss a chaos in our country ">>>>>>>>>>>>(not miss a chance to exploit ( or capitalize on) a chaos in our ...)
# enemies were ambushing FOR him..>>>>>>>>>> '(for' not required)
# domestic & FOREIGNER>>>>>>>>>>>(foreign)
# UNDER any cost >>>>>>(at any cost)
# ...face it BY any way>>>>>>>>('by' not rqrd)
# ...time has come BY now >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('by' not rqrd)
# ".....ready to GOON this path?" >>>>>>(go on )
# What is happening ?" SAID Dohin angrily>>>>>>>>>>>>(asked)
#.....crying that there is a catastrophe IN THE WAY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( on its way to .Egypt/ on its way )
# what he asked OF>>>>>>>>>>(for)
# ...for the PASSING few decades>>>>>>>>>>>(past)
# and the DEVIL PLOTS against him>>>>>>>>>>>>>(diabolic plots(of the new high priest ,I guess) against...)
#by implementing his ILL plans>>>>>>(ill -advised or ill-conceived)
#.....in the stars WHERE the high priest and the head of the astrologer had missed>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with 'that')
#.....but Dohin mad the priest TO take him far away >>>>>>>>>>>>('to' not rqrd)--This error has been observed in too many places, please note.
# It was something important WHAT they were talking about >>>(replace with'that')
# ..."we HAVE NOT TO ignore them">>>>>>>>>>("We must not ignore them")
#....CUT the influence of the priesthood >>>>>>>>>>>>>('curtail ' the influence of the ...)

I will be reading Ch.4 later and getting back to you.

Juba, the lunatic, is an interesting character, with his profound knowledge of the heavenly bodies and the skill of prescience,typical of the ancient prophets and philosophers.
You seem to have done an exhaustive research prior to embarking on the project which is quite good.

Yesterday I read about Queen" Hatshupsput'(spelling may be incorrect) and I suddenly remembered your book.
Read in the newspaper today that the long -emergency in Egypt has expired.
Have a Good Day

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Anthony Martin,

I have read Chapters 1,2 & 3 of "Look to the sky"
Almost flawless recounting of a wonderful story.

It looks like the same amount of effort and time that have gone into the making of a book which runs into 170k+ words have not been used when it came to choosing an apt title{my opinion].
The classification of the book is 'moderate' now ;can it be 'universal' in its appeal?
The following things ,though inconsequential,are to be noted:-
# In Ch.2, you have written ....student/faculty(the 'slash' is not normally used in fiction)
#....ironed hair ACCENTED by psychedelic printed...(accentuated?)
#...and he never bothered to ask me if I WANT TO LIVE(if I wanted to live.>>>>>>>>>>>>tense change)
#Typo>>>>>>>>>>>the party made her FEELS old
# Michelle thoughts ran wild>>>(Michelle's)
Mr.Vince,the fencing instructor's,advice to Christopher ,by the way, has been quite inspiring(even to the reader)--"....to develope an unwavering determination that would overcome the inevitable disappointment of the profession"

The narrative is linear in its structure, starting right from the protagonist's Pasadena Playhouse days ,and going through his love affairs/vicissitudes , to a prediction- proof climax.The first chapter ,though beautifully written ,is devoid of dialogues.It would be better if the novel opens with an animated scene/conversation /eventful period.
It is obvious that writing of this book has entailed tremendous research and hardwork,not to speak of the time it had consumed.
Five stars for the book!

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Iva Polanski,

I have read Chapters 21 to 23 of " Fame & Infamy"
It is an unadulterated tale of the vagaries of human existance in a world fraught with obstacles.
The scene where the timely intervention of Shnitzel saves the day ,much to the dissappointment of the students,for Nelly has been depicted to a nicety.
Nathaira ,the gypsi,is growing in stature as does the curiosity factor.
Celestine's escapades with the dog in an effort to land a "coshy job in a cozy kitchen" are hilarious.
A couple of doubts follow:-
# Where Celestine explains how to make Nuns Farts ,she uses the word "rectangle(meaning square?).Does the gypsi understand it?
# A typo->>>>>"The dog?"She 'HE' had already forgotten the damn animal.
# Please check spelling [At the end of Ch.22].>>>>>His tail WIGGING (is it 'wagging?')
# Why does she have to scurry back to BED (from the kitchen)when the dog growls even as Celestine wants to drink some water?
With her culinary skills Celestine,I reckon , would go on to retrieve, if not salvage, whatever is left of the fag end of her life.(It reminds me of a movie where the protagonist , an indigent master cook,who spends up his entire savings to serve a good dinner to his guests,tells his admirers "An artist is never poor")

One would not miss the implicit humour so effortlessly woven into the narrative.
You can pride yourself on having done a near -perfect work that is free from errors and discrepencies.It is so seldome that one comes across such books.
Six stars for the book-(3 for the plot, one for the language, another one for the style, and the last one for the'publication-ready' status.)

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Hello Ramneet Kapoor,

Sathya Jith .P.S from India.
I have added your book to my watchlist .
Please have a look at my work"CATACOMBS"
http://authonomy.com//books/44127/catacombs/

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC view book

Hello Venkatarama S Dandibhotla,

I have read Chapter 1 of "Ozonerazer".

It is a very futuristic Sci-Fi thriller.

The writer has aptly envisaged a world where automobiles run on auto-pilot,where people use special microbial organisms from a container to clean the surfaces of grease and grime,where high-end audio-visual gadgets sans electrical power (holovid)are a way of life.

You have commendably used the GNN TV announcer's voice to tell the readers about the history and origin of al-Jihad,rather than launching into a tedious, lengthy prose.

In his eagerness and excitement to narrate an effervescent story seeking instant expression from within him, the writer seems to have overseen ,though syntactical,a few minor things which I have appended here for your consideration:-

# the spelling of 'SIGNALED'>>>>>>>>>>>>>it should be 'signalled"
#The TV announcer says the word'conflict' twice in a single sentence .>>>>>>>>(This has been observed a couple of times later in the narrative)(the second 'conflict' could be changed into 'confrontation')

# " Many of the dead could only be estimated as the currents of water carried off BODIES KILLED by the MAN-MADE nuclear bomb.>>>>>>>>>( not clear,semantically -try this " The number/extent of casualties could not be ascertained/confirmed as the .......carried off the corpses/bodies of those killed by the nuclear bomb"{because you cannot 'kill bodies' ,and the bomb is, needless to say , always man-made ;unless aliens are brought into the picture)

#.....INNOCENTS watched>>>>>>>>>>>>>(I doubt whether it could be used like that --"innocent people/spectators')
#WITH the fast-thinking of the vigilant tourists who spotted some obstruction in the wall of the Chapel .THIS DISCOVERY kept such a historic monument whole>>>>> (club the two sentences into one after removing 'with' and 'this discovery')(here you mean ,fast-thinking =fortitude? & whole=intact ?)
#would have devastated a two-mile radius>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( devastated the entire area under/within a radial distance of two miles.
#...and Pakistan used to exist>>>>>>>>>>>>> (once existed)
#....as the visuals of Tora Bora FLOATING>>>>(floated)
#....something the world will not possibly recover >>>>>>>(recover from)
#....Brittany says "You've HAVE had a full day "
#...It was not surprising****with such high standards...>>>>>>>>(insert 'that')
#...she tried to scree, but no sound came >>>>>( came out)
..Darryl passed out ,HIS LAST IMAGE being his wife's wedding ring >>>>>>>>>>>>>>( you mean the last image that got registered'in his memory/consciousness/sub conscious mind?-definitely not his own )

The glass vial and how it is hidden by Kathy and her pranks with her mother, the terrifying moments when they both disintegrate into infinitesimal particles have all been proof enough of a fertile mind that only a gifted writer can hope to be endowed with.
And Brittany's first date with Darryl has been as vivid as in a 3D movie.

Five points and a space on my shelf are all I can offer now ,except of course, the promise to return to this spell-binder of a work.

Thanks & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Dear Amy,

I read chapter 1 of "Bleeding Heart -Broken Soul " yesterday itself.

You have depicted the protagonist's gradual transformation/transfiguration into a vampire with remarkable elucidation.

The scene where the dog , horrified at Eve's hiss,turns around and runs amok hauling its confused sitter up the grassy hill could not have been more vivid.

There are a few points I must tell you which I hope will stand you in good stead(Although I am not an expert as my profile will have you guess)

All the errors Nathan Maki had already pointed out are worth attending to.
The fire escape ;does it have any more role to play in the story?(Or is it just a subterfuge to divert the readers' curiosity?)

...masses of rubbish out **the back of unlit stores('of 'missing)
..circle me like PREY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(circle her like predators / circle her as if she was their prey)
I never slept OUT here>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('in")
,yet I could not shake *** the very real vision of those>>>>>>>>>('off' missing)
How did I end up on the sofa and get home from the alley?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(reverse it chronologically to>>>>How did I get home from the alley and end up on the sofa?)
not so clean>>>>>>>>>(not-so-clean)
"Your mobile is going ...voicemail and you haven't EITHER answered your phone in two days>>>>>>>>(...and you haven't answered your phone in two days either")
....CONSTENT dawdle>>>>>>>>>>>>>>('constant')
Nevertheless though>>>>(redundancy---though not required)
'I had left five inch LONG TRENCHES IMPRINTED in the stone'.>>>>>>>>>>>>>( you mean 5 inch deep/long 'dents' on the stone surface?)
BIN bag>>>>>>>>>>(garbage)
The TRIP probably should have sent me falling >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(crash/or some other suitable word)
I had SPARKED a cigarette>>>>>>( lighted)
...the reason I had brought it was BECAUSE it was my initial>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(replace with 'that')
..........later compare TO >>>>('with')
I couldn't be sure whether it was because ................to think about smoking>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>( How about this >>>>>>>>"I couldn't be sure whether I had been too preoccupied with my face and my own bizarre behavior to think about smoking".)
Why is it**** the cuts don't hurt?>>>>( insert 'that')
.....only two nights BEFOREHAND>>(before/back)

You must be careful about the choice of words/DICTION when you write which I think is the only vulnerable aspect in your writing.
Your profile says you do not have any formal education in creative writing. Shakespeare, Hemingway and Herman Hesse -they did not either.(Shakespeare was ,according to Eric Partridge , accused of employing the biggest ungrammatical usage -he wrote "the MOST unkindEST cut of all" -which is double superlative in itself.
I hope you make the necessary amendments when you knuckle down to editing your book next time.
Even without that, It sure is a page turner and I give you a five star rating.

Thank you again for backing my book.

Keep writing.

Rgds
SWORDMUZIC view book

Dear Dr.Shahryar Cohenzad,

I have read chapters 1-3 & just scanned 4&5.
As you said , nobody can match Shakespeare and Rumi in their poetic vision and mastery of the craft.
But you have successfully chronicled for posterity the social and psychological impact of sex change therapy and an insider's views on the weird world of transsexuals.
There are a few usages I find difficult to connect with.I list them below:_
In ch.1, .....,'regarding her true sexual identity',set herself free from.... (',as far as her sexual identity was concerned,'------would have been more suitable?)
who was who 'BEFOREHAND'.('before')
In ch.2, By 'my surgery' you mean your hospital/clinic? .It comes up very often in other chapters as well, like 'to my surgery'-(for consultation/to hospital? ,I guess')
...attitude and SHOW so much understanding on this issue('show' not required)
...in such a way So as to minimize ( 'so' not necessary)
You have written twice about the farmer's wife having been formally qualified in Physical Education in ch.2. In the fist instance ,you say she has a diploma, in the second ,you write that it was a sort of a degree ,an oversight, I suppose.
'In between my lines.....perhaps this was the first time...within herself'-please elucidate ,it is not written clearly , it misses something( And yes, she heard from the doctor just what she wanted to ,I got the point)
..his loss of HIS conjugal rights ('his ' not rqrd.)
If we accept that.....for my children,THEN,I myself will assume...('then' not rqrd, and' I myself ....'should be another sentence)
TEACHING physical education......(replace with 'imparting')
..sorrow LAYS in the fact ...('lies')
..You the reader ,AM SURE, will be INTERESTING...('am sure ' not rqrd ...'interested')
..the last time I met...they still KEEP in touch (kept)
I must admit that I have LEARNED ...('learnt' ...although what you write is right ,when it comes to learning a 'life's lesson which has a lasting impact)

In ch.4,...most phenomena are given value concepts due to....LOOKING ANGLE...(you mean 'perspective/approach/point of view(POV) ' that one adopts?)
unlike in the other cases THAT in the first session('where')
....TROUBLEMAKING .(you mean 'dangerous/ominous'?)
...'to rectify nature's error'--------------- One thing I disagree with . Doc , is it actually the nature's mistake that someone begins to think that he/she is not what he/she is?

The tragic story of Mina was indeed heart-wrenching,to say the least.
The place where you describe how you felt when you learned of Mina 's fate at the venue of the Urological conference, how you saw you false pride evaporate---it was particularly touching.
The raped transsexual in chapter.5 is also presenting a poignant picture, and it is a grim reminder also of the plight of this marginalized section of the society.

One question-Is transsexualism more of a psychological than a physical problem?
There must have been an incident/ moment that prompted him/her to think the way he/she does.Or does it all boil down to hormonal imbalance?
It was an informative work that not many can hope to do, that too from a place least expected .

Keep it up, the musician from the banks of the Mehran river.(The first line in the pitch says it all!)
You seem to wield both the scalpel and the guitar with elan.
May be, you can add a few verses at the beginning of every chapter.

Please have a look at my book "CATACOMBS' and revert,time permitting.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44127/catacombs/


Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC
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Dear Abdullah Mujeeb Khawaja,

Cheers!
You have successfully woven a yarn that could leave not just children but grown-ups spell-bound.

A few points I noticed are appended below:-

In the pitch you have written ' to ' parish' the evil king' -you mean perish?(It is normally used as transitive verb)
I have also observed tense changes in the pitch itself.like -"boy 'will be' (would be)born---- they 'are' (were)waiting... when he came to know that he is (was ) the son of...

In your thanks giving note on teacher sir Sunil, you have written "...and don't (did not ) let me notice...

In Ch.1, the sentence ....' enlightened' the room.-you mean illuminated? (Enlightened is a learned term).
No exclamation mark after -like invulnerable !
...tears rolled cheeks.' ('down' missing)

In ch.2 , ..............armour was on the left -----you mean shield ?(sword and shield)
I came across the word 'roiling 'clouds....
Also .......made up of the same stone the wand is made up of. ( repetition could be avoided - 'made up of the same stone as the wand was.')
Mackster was numb....he was disappeared into...('was ' not required)
big huge---------redundancy(either of them will do?)
in the last sentence of ch2,........Making the city' shook'----- it should have been 'shake'.
even in the cost of pain , must not retreat---------even in pain,not to retreat.

In ch.3 , ...just when Crimson was...... 'her' mom..(should it be 'his' mom?)
Another in "I have put....breakfast" with his husband(his husband?!)
What I am going to do?------------what am I going.....?
Said Jack and begin(began) sorting ...
Found letter lying('a' missing before letter)
Were the only words he (no capital case required)as it is in the same sentence .
When you talk of Jennifer you say good height women_------you mean 'tall'?
black n heavy -write 'and '
"Why did that happened"----------------why did that happen?
his father said(asked) with raised eyebrows.
in(the) affirmative .
Ch.4,
letters that looked like as if -( like as if {redundancy}----either of them will do)
...to do what they can(could ) do.
....he can't (could not)handle too many facts.
And------------ that that--------------- at the end of Ch.4
There is a tendency on your part to avoid capital lettering the names of people and punctuation marks.

On the brighter side,the way you describe how Hegamont wolfs down the torn pages of the golden book and becoming fluorescent speaks volumes for the infinite possibilities your imagination can unleash.
The silver cuts on the necks of Jack and Crimson successfully build up the suspense .

Another point to be borne in mind is that you must avoid any similarity with other stories of this genre-I mean "the magic school' concept is pretty much everywhere.

DISCLAIMER :these are all my views

You are a "raconteur par excellence" ,at 16!,take my word for it.
Convey my regards to your parents and sir Sunil.

Have a look at my book"CATACOMBS'" and have your say,It is a 16 year old's tale, but a with a difference .

And I give you a 5Stars rating.

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC view book

Hello Revathi Sampath Kumaran,


I just read Ch.1& 2 of you work "Will Shall Overcome".

The first thing I want to tell you is that you write in impeccable English!

Your description of Saraswati and of her wedding ,especially the beautification of the bride, stands out.

Saraswati's father-in-law and Grandmother are two characters who will linger in the readers' memory long after the book has been read,for various reasons ,obviously.
A few things I noticed are :-
In ch.1, "What can't one 'can' accomplish with the strength of one's will?'" ------------- You mean "What can't one accomplish....?"
In ch.2, ; their sudden silence spoke volumes. _______should it be 'their sudden silence speaking volumes.'?(Unless it is an independent sentence.
Again in ch.2, " ...prized possession of my mother's family 'since ' five generations"_since?or for five generations now/ for five generations on the trot/ since five generations back/ago. (my opinion-disclaimer)

And the grandmother talk of 'cow doctor' --------You have deliberately avoided the term 'veterinary doc', I guess .

In your pitch "Though Saraswati straddles the story...' ---------You may straddle two different worlds/realms/spheres,.....(Disclaimer-my opinion)

One of your tags is 'Feminist fiction'-------which prompts me to think that it would also be about Adam-bashing,given the trend?
Though not an expert as my profile has you understand,I make a thorough vetting of the text I read,as I am a nit-picker by nature when it comes to literature(!).I must say that the critic in me had a bad hair-day today as I perused your book for hours on end.
I liked the sentence " Saraswati's mother would have been in the entourage had it not been........in third trimester of her pregnancy."--------NO PUN INTENDED!

It is an excellent work worthy of publication and I give you 5 stars rating.Hope you write on and complete it.
I will come back to the book soon enough.
Have a Nice Day.

Thx & Rgds

SWORDMUZIC

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