Maria,

This is a emotional, gripping story. Honestly, it is hard for me to read because child abuse is so incredibly hurtful, I can't stand it. But your story is a very powerful one and so many people who read it will be instantly connected with you and hoping things work out in the end.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain view book

Hi, I read chapter one of "EBO". As another person pointed out, it definitely has echoes of "Twilight". The grammar was sharp, I didn't spot any typos. There was a good variety of detail. I'm sure fans of the genre will love it! GL getting to the desk!

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain view book

Hi, here are some thoughts on Oldfangled.

CHAPTER ONE – “Levi whisky whispered.” I’m not sure the meaning of that phrase.

“… curl over like a slow breaking wave.” I like that line.

I think your writing is very crisp (a good thing). The biggest flaw I’m seeing so far is repetition of the name Levi. I always recommend printing out the chapter and circling each “Levi” with a red pen, so you could see how much you repeat it on a single page. Then try to minimize them. i.e. on ONE page I had the phrase, “the American President” no less than twenty-four times, but edited it down to three. Try it for yourself, it might help.

Hmm… I’m a little reluctant to say this, but I’m also put off a bit by your decision to refer to him sometimes as “Levi” and other times as “Strauss.” I would try to have it be all one or all the other. And I’d also try to limit using his full name, because it gets old fairly quick. Again, I’m reluctant to say it because it might or might not be a big deal.

Moving on, I like the attitude of the part “What a pain in the ass” (about losing the thumb). That’s a great way to show the character’s attitude.

Another small suggestion… “what else was a mutt like him going to do, he’d told himself.” Since this is supposedly his own words, I’d change that to first person. “what else was a mutt like me going to do, he told himself.” I’m not sure if you like that or not, and if not you can just ignore it. Keep the italics though.

I like the ‘subtlety’ in NOT showing the pool cue beating, but showing the aftermath. It’s a classy way to show something very dark. If you went all-out with the details, in chapter one, my stomach would probably get sick and I’d decide this book isn’t for me. But I like how it is ‘tastefully edited’.

Remember the bit about taking out repetitions of the name Levi? Here’s one spot I’d change. Change “Oh well, Levi mused,” to “Oh well, he mused.” Again, keep the italics. A few paragraphs later, “Still, Levi took his time.” Change to “Still, he took his time.” A name tends to get boring and repetitive, “he” does not. Don’t be afraid to use “he” a lot more in place of Levi.

Hmmm… I would continue on to chapter two, but it’s quite late. I must say though that I really like your writing style. It’s very crisp. I like your character’s attitude. Everything about the story itself is pretty solid. Your use of description, detail, word choices, vocabulary, etc. is all really strong. Good pacing. Good twist how the chapter sort of beings with a film noir mafia type plot, then transforms (pun intended) at the end of the chapter. I’m not much into the whole supernatural kick, but I like how you present it. Because it’s done from the angle of a loan shark-type enforcer, not a love-struck teenager or whatever, your story has a lot of attitude here and I’d be much more willing to read it. My only hope is that the following chapters don’t have a completely different theme or tone, i.e. that the book doesn’t turn into every other werewolf book out there today, that it keeps its uniqueness.

So I think you have the makings of a great story here. I’d definitely read more. The biggest problem with chapter one though is over-use of the name Levi. The rest of the book seems quite polished, well edited and lacking grammatical errors; professional, in other words. Just cut down on those Levi’s.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Here are some thoughts on “The Chosen”. This kind of fantasy isn’t really my genre so I can’t write too specifically about the plot, as it goes a bit over my head (or in one ear and out the other).

PROLOGUE – It’s interesting having your narrator being a part of the story. Very slight typo in the prologue, you have a period followed by a comma. “…children of destiny., Those people who will serve…” Delete the comma.

CHAPTER 1 – A number of oddities in this first section. It begins “This part of the Tapestries’ start” and then abruptly ends. Then the next line shows, “The Druids of Caer Gybi.” Is that the chapter’s title? Then the next line has that same “This part of the Tapestries’ start” line, so… I think you want to delete the first one. There’s several more small typos and grammatical errors. “Holy Isle of Gybi wjhich the Roman invaders call…” Delete the ‘j’ from ‘wjhich’. I’d add a comma after Gybi. Also you tend to have an extra space in several parts, i.e. between ‘invaders’ and ‘call’, ‘time’ and ‘is’, ‘the’ and ‘events’, ‘the’ and ‘Iceni’, ‘rebellion’ and ‘came’, and ‘their’ and ‘deep’.

“Dracus-Hu…. was had been waiting for five years.” Delete ‘was’. It is also redundant. You say “waiting for five years trapped…” then soon have, “Trapped, waiting for the return…” So how about something like, “had been trapped for five years on the Isle of Mona, waiting for the return of his old master.”

“… if I can prise you free of your duties to the High Council…” Is “prise” a word? Do you mean “pry”?

Need a space here. “However,Dracus…” Then a big typo. “unuasaly disturbed.” Unusually.

More typos here. “You cannot leave, dDoes the council…” Do you mean, “You cannot leave. Does the council….” Or “You cannot leave? Does the council…” I’m guessing from context you mean the second one.

More typos. “for a long moment,. whilst He reaching ed for hisa tankard…” So I think you mean “for a long moment, whilst he reached for his tankard…” Also, judging from your spelling you’re from the UK, so this might be a USA v. UK thing, I’m not sure, but “wet his lips”. I think it should be “whet his lips”. Odd, I know, but I think that’s the correct spelling…. Whet his lips, whet my appetite, whet my whistle, etc.

Another typo. “dig deeply ino his memories…” INTO, not INO. Another typo shortly after that… “brief moment he he went into a trance.” Delete one of those he’s (either one, that’s up to you!)… and “that would bring forth theseis memorisey.” I’m not even sure what “theseis memorisey” is supposed to be.

You repeat the word “counterbalance” in a relatively short time. “… as a counterbalance to the divine gift of Danu…” and three paragraphs later, “as a counterbalance to the druids.” I’d cut one of them, or re-word the sentence.

Not sure what to make of this. “MyriddenMyriddin was forced to give his life…”

“… his eyes were bothe thoughtful and concerned…” I know you Brits like to add e’s to everything, but I don’t think “both” has an ‘e’ at the end.

“… time shift that can take place in our Holy Groves and henges.” Don’t know what ‘henges’ is. Do you mean hedges?

Hope that helps.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi, Serena, here are some thoughts on chapter one of “Madeline.”

First thing I notice scanning your first few paragraphs is your repetition of ‘I’, ‘me’ and ‘my’. Example, “I throw MYSELF down on MY couch, ripping open the letter that has been sitting in MY mailbox for ME.” You could change it to something like, “I throw myself down on the couch, ripping open the letter that has been waiting in the mailbox.”

“My fingers shake as I pry the paper from the sticky tape. I’m nervous, scared. The papers tremble as I reveal them.” Since you have her fingers shaking and the papers trembling, you don’t need to say, “I’m nervous, scared.” We can see she’s scared/nervous.

Not much to say on the rest of the chapter. Biggest issue I’d say is all the me’s, I’s and my’s. When editing my books I like to print out the whole chapter and circle certain words with a red pen, so I can see how often I repeat them. Somehow I managed to write “the American President” 24 times on ONE page. It helps for you to really see how much you repeat words, which you often can’t see reading it on the computer.

Best of luck with the book,

-- Shaun Holt -- view book

Hi, Kareasa, I usually give brutal advice, but I read your profile and saw that you asked specifically for “gentle” feedback… So I’ll try to be nice as I leave comments for chapter one of “Gypsy of Vilda.”

The first thing I notice is your repetition of the name Julietta. That can become very distracting for the reader (for me at least). You can change a lot of them to she/her… She/her does not get dull really, but repeating a name over and over does. Something I like to do when editing my books is to print out the chapter and circle or highlight certain words… i.e. circle every use of the name Julietta with a red pen, and you’ll see how often you repeat it on the page. I just skimmed through the chapter and counted 63 uses of the name Julietta. So I hope you see how it can be very distracting.

“to block out the pink light filling the room.” I’d remove “pink” from here, simply because you describe the sun as pink in an earlier paragraph, so you don’t want to become too repetitive. (I’m sorry, I’m trying to be nice but… I like to give brutal feedback).

I like the bit about the birds calling Julietta fuzzy. I also like “maple-colored” eyes instead of plain brown.

“plump pink lips” – another reason to remove the ‘pink’ I mentioned earlier. You don’t want to repeat colors too often – pink sun, pink light, pink lips. I think its okay to have pink sun and pink lips, but I’d get rid of pink light… Unless you want to combine them by saying something like, “pink rays emanating from the sun poured through the window, brightly lighting the small room.”

“… clearing her eyes again, she held up the mirror again…” Two uses of ‘again’. How about, “clearing her eyes once more, she held up the mirror again.” Or visa versa -- eyes again, mirror once more.

“periwinkle colored sky” I like the use of description, and periwinkle is a good word to use in lieu of ‘pink’. I also like how you use it at this point in the chapter. It’s a great temptation for writers to use their best descriptive words in the start of the chapter, but I think its important to have nice descriptions throughout the book. So I like the use of ‘periwinkle’ here.

“Penn slowed her pace down…” I’d remove “down”, its implied when you say Penn slowed. Just say “Penn slowed her pace…”

“Than those annoying chitter birds…” Change ‘than’ to ‘then’.

“thick grey hair grinned while looking up from thick lensed glasses.” Two thick’s. How about, “clumpy grey hair” instead of grey, or something along those lines?

“Iam sorry I was late.” Should be “I am”.

… And that’s chapter one. Believe it or not, I did like it. It seemed somewhat Alice in Wonderland-esque. I like the birds, I imagine it to be a very colorful place well-made for a movie. I didn’t point out missing commas, hyphens, etc. because I’m never sure if that’s simply a mistake, or a UK vs. USA spelling thing. view book

Hi, Andy, here are some comments for “Northwest Wind”.

Chapter one is pretty intense, but I didn’t see much to offer in terms of editing or improvement. As a reader, I’m drawn in by Winnie’s conflict, her reluctance to call the sheriff and her sense of guilt over Tom’s fate.

Chapter two, an editing suggestion… You say, “She burst into tears, a THICK salty deluge, so THICK she couldn’t see the room.” The two thick’s basically stick out to me as repetitive. What about changing it to, “a salty deluge, so thick she couldn’t see the room.” Just delete the first one.

“She shuffled back to the table, one half of her numb, the other tormented by anxiety and betrayal.” Seems a little wordy. I think it might be stronger if it went, “She shuffled back to the table, numb, tormented by anxiety and betrayal” or something to that effect.

“… she felt Vic scrutinizing her.” That’d be a good spot to describe his eyes. “felt Vic’s _____ eyes scrutinizing her.” You could do a color, i.e. blue eyes, or a descriptive word.. i.e. inquisitive eyes, pensive eyes, etc.

Hmm…. I don’t really like Vic saying the death looks suspicious. It seems quite unprofessional. I think you’d be better served to have his questioning show his suspicion, you know what I mean? What you have is fine, his questioning shows he thinks either something’s missing or he’s just trying to get all the facts… By him just blurting out that the death looks suspicious, it seems unreal. What if he says, “There’s just something about the way he died…” And then go into the bit about the thing wrapped around his ankle. view book

Hi, Karen. Thanks for the good feedback on “German Derelict”. Here’s the return read.

Chapter one

In your third paragraph, I’d suggest moving “further” to earlier in the sentence, i.e. “the sun further warmed and rotted the putrid filth” or “the sun warmed and further rotted the putrid filth.” The reason I suggest that is because “putrid filth” is a stronger end to the paragraph than the word further – “the putrid filth” is more powerful an end than “the putrid filth further.”

Two worried’s in this sentence. “We looked at each other, worried…. Then gave me a worried smile.” I’d change the second worried. Maybe she gives her a forced smile, or a nervous smile?

“Mam and I looked at each other.” You say that in the previous paragraph as well. 1) “We looked at each other, worried…” 2) “Mam and I looked at each other.” If you have them looking at each other in paragraph 5, I don’t think you should say they look at each other in paragraph 6, because they’re already looking at each other, right?

Since you compared my book more to Clancy, I’ll go out on a limb and compare your book more to Pearl S. Buck. … Of course I don’t read much, but of all the authors I’ve read, your book comes the closest to her.

That chapter has a tense ending.

Chapter two

“His slap made me stumble before I had finished my protest.” I’d add a sentence or two detail there. It is too strong a moment to pass up with one short sentence. Maybe add a sentence about the sting on her cheek or something like that. Draw it out just a little bit. Or if she felt whether his hand was cool or warm, large or bony.

That chapter had a striking ending with the black woman (no pun intended)

Chapter three

First paragraph, “had been studying me as I studied the whip.” How about, “had been observing me as I studied the whip”?

Emotional chapter. Very heavy first three chapters.

Chapter four

A good twist there. I didn’t see that one coming. Also I expected the black woman was thinking of jumping from the ship, so that was a bit of a surprise too.

---

That's all for now, I want to do some writing myself, and its already midnight. Hopefully you found some of my comments helpful. I didn't have too much to comment on in chapters 2-4, not because I didn't like them, but because they were all pretty well done. I like your mix of emotion and tension.

-------------------- Shaun Holt ---------------------------------
German Derelict, Egyptian Demise, Waiting for the Rain view book

Hi, Adam. Here are some comments on chapter one of “Among the Ruins”. I can only do one chapter tonight because I have another read to get to, and its 3am… so just a fairly quick run-through.

Third paragraph, “When I was young my mother…” Put a comma after “young”.

“she read me the bible”. Capitalize “Bible”.

“At the end the knight killed the dragon”. Comma after “end”.

“… can’t remember the books name.” I’d change it to “book’s title”.

“long blond hair.” Not sure if this is right or not, but some people on here have told me that BLOND = male, BLONDE = female. In that case, it’d be “blonde hair”.

“In my childish way I was angry with him.” Comma after “way”.

“Remember Adam…” Comma after “remember”.

“safety of all these years it feels…” Comma after “years”.

Hope that helps a bit.

-- Shaun Holt --
German Derelict / Waiting for the Rain view book

Hi, Jessica. I’m giving some feedback on chapter one of “Oskar the Viking”. I like the title well enough. The short and long pitch are fine.

Okay, the first thing I notice is you tend to repeat names a bit, which is okay because I do it myself. Example: “Oskar was in the middle of a vivid dream… Oskar turned over and tried to get back to sleep… Oskar loved everything to do with ships.” When editing my books I try not to repeat a name more than once in a paragraph, so you might want to change it to, “Oskar was in the middle of a vivid dream… HE turned over and tried to get back to sleep… HE loved everything to do with ships.”

“the craftsmen’s quarter was already filled with hustle and bustle.” That seems like more of a modern expression, hustle & bustle. It’s a very small point, but it sort of takes me out of the Viking Era and reminds me this is the 21st century. Does that make sense? … Having what seems to me to be a modern expression in the Viking Era doesn’t really fit. But I may be wrong.

“Oskar promised.” You say Oskar six times in that paragraph, so you might want to try re-writing it to make it more concise.

“Oskar was carving a boat.” You might want to say “toy boat”.

I like all the talk about Thor and the Viking mythology, makes me think of Thor/The Avengers. So when you say stuff I think, “Hey, I’ve heard of that!”

I like the end of chapter one. The creature ads some mystery to what’s going on and encourages the reader to read more. If you’d like to return the read, I have two books – “Waiting for the Rain”, which is young adult/romance, and “German Derelict”, which is action adventure. If you don’t have a preference between the two, I’d appreciate feedback on “German Derelict” the most since it needs the most work. Also I'm sorry I don't read three plus chapters like a lot of people on here, I'm a slow reader and I try to be thorough in giving feedback.

-- Shaun Holt --
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi Hannah, here are some thoughts on chapter 13 "Back Home".

"Of course they had no idea that........." This sounds bad... It makes me wonder why Rosalia and Mr. Thornton don't get to know this, but we do. If your story follows other characters more, I can understand it... So I dunno. I can't say "take it out", but I'll still put up a warning flag here. I generally don't like the reader being knowledgeable about something the protagonist is unaware of... Its kind of like 1980s horror movies, when you'd see the killer coming with the knife - not very scary because you see exactly where he is. What's scarier is being in the house with the protagonist, not knowing what that clawing sound is outside, and then hearing scuffling sounds in the other room. This kind of chapter is more the "killer with the knife" than "in the house with the protagonist." So think about it. If you can figure out another way to do it, I'd suggest trying it another way and seeing if that works better. But that's something that can always wait. Again, I'd advise you NOT to try to make the older chapters perfect before continuing your story, because you'll never finish your book. You just have to keep writing, then come back when you are all done and see how you can improve parts like this.

Anyway, moving on... (sorry to begin the review with such a hostile beginning!! I'll try to be nice!)

1st paragraph (lol!), "second child was.... a second healthy boy." Maybe delete the first child, so you don't have two child's in the paragraph?

1st paragraph (still!) "tiny fellow ........ little fellow." Two fellows! I'd get rid of the second one, or change it to a different word.

"deserted property where his friend once lived." I'd end the sentence with deserted property, and cut out the "where his friend once lived."

"acres that belonged to Thornton." ... Get rid of "that belonged to Thornton." You don't need to keep repeating that this is Thornton's property. We got that.

(it is a good thing for us that Thornton was so careful in his records) ..... NO PARENTHESES!!!! Especially in dialogue! That's definitely a pet peeve of mine. No parentheses, ever, in dialogue.

"overlooking his behaviour" ... Whoa! UK spelling! Hannah Gridley, you call yourself an American!?

"to be reduced to ashes in ONLY A FEW HOUR..." hours? or "only an hour"?

"some reason for his behaviour?" .......... Hannah............. UK spelling again?

All in all a good chapter. I just don't like that "Little did they know...." thing that begins the chapter.

---

Shaun Holt
German Derelict / Waiting for the Rain view book

Chris, thanks for backing "Waiting for the Rain". Here are some thoughts on chapter one. I'm sorry I don't review as many chapters as some others on here - I am a slow reader.

Left a word out I think... "leave the 'I don't knows' ON the other side of the backdoor."

Missing a comma... "Joe's finger twisted, fraying..."

Your first paragraph or two sets up a decent hook. It makes me wonder what happened to this character, what kind of trouble he is in, and how he will dig himself out of it.

"An endless canopy bursting with subdued shades of red..." I like that a lot.

"all smoking, all looking drugged up..." I wonder if it'd be stronger just to say, "all smoking, drugged up..." Its a very small suggestion though. Try reading it both ways and decide which one you like the best.

And one more very minor suggestion... Early on, you use the word "grey"... 'Grey' is typically the English/UK spelling, so I thought the story was set in England. When you talked about football, I thought you meant "soccer" (from the American POV). So.... If I'm mistaken, and the book is set in the U.S. / the sport is American football, I'd use 'gray' rather than 'grey'. But again, that is nitpicking.

Chapter one was compelling enough, I'd read chapter two. I didn't read your pitch so I don't know what genre this is or what the plot is about (I like being surprised), but its at least good enough to keep the reader's interest, I think. Good luck with it.

Shaun Holt
German Derelict / Waiting for the Rain view book

Hiya, Hannah. Here are some remarks on chapter 12 "Religion and Friendship" ...

You have two "scooped up"s....

"scooped up Albert suddenly" and "laughing as she scooped her up."

Near the end, "Amy said, defiantly." I'd get rid of that part, because its obvious in the dialogue that Amy is being defiant. You know what I mean? "Please don't keep trying to convert me, Mr. Alden!" is a better way to end it than, "Amy said, defiantly." If you feel like you have to attribute the dialogue to Amy (although I think its fairly obvious), you can have something like, "No, I'm not," said Amy as she ____________. "I prefer my friends in the flesh......" And just fill in whatever description you want. "said Amy as she dropped her spoon in her bowl, making a clattering sound." "said Amy as she ... whatever. Main thing I'd say is to remove that, "Amy said, defiantly" part.

Other than that, the chapter is fine. Two scooped's, and an unnecessary "Amy said, defiantly" is all I could take issue with.

-- Shaun Holt --
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hey El, here are some thoughts on “An Education”.

“What happens in three hours?” She asked ……….. Don’t capitalize ‘she’.

“A perfect storm?” She said. ………… Again, no capital here for “she”. But I think the sentence would work stronger without it. Just say, “A perfect storm?”

“How valuable are warlords as allies?” She asked. ……. No capital.

I think you misspell “Gandhi”. You spell it Ghandi. I think its Gandhi. But there may be many ways to spell it. I don’t know. I just know Microsoft word gives Ghandi a red squiggly line, and no such line for Gandhi.

I love the Harry Potter riff at the end.



(((((((((((((( Shaun Holt ))))))))))))))))))))
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi, Ellie, I am just sitting here atop the Golden Gate Bridge with nothing else to do, so I thought I’d give you some feedback on “Camp Huma”. Hope you enjoy it and only cringe a little bit!

Hmmm, Keira is blonde? I pictured her as a brunette. Maybe I just like brunettes. Actually I like redheads, but I’m very picky about redheads. Anyway, I didn’t know she was a blonde! Anyway, moving on…

“A closed door indicating…” In this case, I think it should be “indicated”.

“John Manning, head of the Camp Huma.” I think you should just say, “head of Camp Huma.” You don’t say, “so and so, head of the Fort Hood.” You know what I mean? Although you might know more than I do.

“The M16 agent LEANED BACK in dissatisfaction…” …. “Iris LEANED BACK with a loud sigh…” … “folded his fingers together and LEANED forward.” …. “Aiden was LEANING forward.”

I like the line about Keira already feeling unprepared, and not needing someone to say it aloud.

Okay, that’s that chapter.

From atop the Golden Gate Bridge,

-------------Shaun Holt-----------------------
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hey McG, here are some thoughts on “Disentangled Doom”.

“A knock at the door…” Yep! First sentence and I have something to say. You already have two doors in this short paragraph. “A knock at the door…. she listened to Aiden answer the door.” So how about simply saying, “A knock startled them into consciousness…”

“Aiden, in his pyjamas” Maybe this is a funky Canadian thing, but the American spelling is “pajamas.”

“Kevin sounded very nervous… and actually making him nervous.” Maybe you can sharpen it up to something like, “chest, intimidatingly looking down at the older man.”

“Aiden sounded much older than he was.” I think that’s kind of implied or whatever when you say, “Aiden’s voice was cool, authoritative.”

“Aiden SOUNDED much older than he was… Aiden SOUNDED incredulous.”
“The QUESTION seemed to surprise Kevin, because the inflection was a QUESTION when he replied…”

How about re-writing that to look something like this:
“You?” asked Aiden incredulously. “How large will the team be?”
Kevin timidly answered, “Four.”

I’d take out the line, “Now Kevin SOUNDED even more confused.” I don’t see how he’s confused when he answers Omega-two (isn’t that fish oil???) and Martin Littleton. So just say, “Who are the other two?” “Well, there’s Omega-two, of course, and Martin Littleton.”

“Glanced at the watch on her wrist.” That’s not remotely a valid sentence. Also… I have a logical question… Does she sleep with a watch on her wrist? Because you say she checks the watch on her wrist, but the knock at the door had awoken them. That seems a little weird if you think about it. They wear pajamas (i.e. Aiden in pajamas), but they wear watches to bed?

“Don’t touch me!” She shrieked. … I think “she” shouldn’t be capitalized in this instance. “Don’t touch me!” she shrieked.

“I’m better off knowing nothing?” She hissed angrily… Again, don’t capitalize “she”. “knowing nothing?” she hissed…

“The very presence of him repulsed her.” This sounds like Yoda or the King James Bible. How about, “His very presence repulsed her.”

“They walked quickly, but casually, through to building six.” I don’t know how you can walk quickly but casually. How about cutting that out so it reads something like, “Building six was dark…”

“He smiled his sly grin.” How about, “He flashed his sly grin.”

“disconcerting gaze… to avoid his gaze… steeled her gaze.” All within two paragraphs. You may want to sharpen it up.

What do you mean landing was horrifying!? Landing is AWESOME! I absolutely love flying.

Logical question…. Why does Keira love being tossed about in the waves but hates the airplane ride? I think that’s something of a logical mistake, BUT I think that’s a spot you can fudge on. She jumps off cliffs and surfs for fun, but hates airplanes. But… oh well. Maybe you can make it a theme that she hates airplanes.

“sharing memories of favourite places.” Whoa, look out! British spelling!

“tan blocks with windowless windows.” Eh? Do you mean windows missing the panes of glass?

“coloured hills that circled the city.” Hey, more British spelling!

“colour had faded.” Ditto.

Okie dokey, that’s that chapter. Well done, E.

--------------- Shaun Holt -------------------
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi Ellie, I am just waiting in an airport bathroom stall for a hot date (a Idaho Congressman, of all things), so I thought I’d give a few thoughts on “Paragon” while I wait for him.

“The Passionate Intensity of Fearsome Things”…

I like the line about Aiden almost being afraid of thirst after their run to the mountain.

Ever so slight suggestion… Aiden says he’s going to get some Gatorade, and then you have him go to a cooler full of Gatorade. That makes it sound a little much like product advertising, repeating the brand twice. Maybe he can say, “I’m going to get something to drink” and then keep the rest. You know what I mean? There’s nothing wrong with mentioning a product, but you don’t want to come across like, “Gatorade, the official drink of Paragons everywhere.” Lol that sounds like something Colton would say! In that case I would approve of it. In fact in one of my TK books I have a line, “These Presidential debates are brought to you by PEPSI. PEPSI, it’s what real Americans drink.” Lol it’ll probably get edited out, but it’ll at least give the censors something to do.

How do I notice these things? I am really NOT that observant in real life. But you have two “set up’s” in this paragraph. “Gatorade set up at a table…. Set up somewhat closer…” Maybe you can change one of them to “placed”?

How about “pudgy pale hands” instead of pudgy, white hands? Because white is…. Well… He’s white, right? So ‘white hands’ isn’t as striking. Pale indicates lifeless, cold, decaying, etc. better than “white”, I think.

“With him were Jackson and King.” How about, “King and Jackson were with him.” Almost written entirely backwards.

“Aiden shook their hands AND said something, AND they all burst out laughing.” That has something of a run-on feel. How about, “Aiden shook their hands and said something. They all burst out laughing.” Or, “They burst out in laughter.”

“Her gaze CUT back to Harper…. King CUT into her thoughts.” What about King “invaded” her thoughts, or something cute like that?

“clean kill shot.” How about just a “clean kill”? It’s a little stronger that way, I think, if only a fraction.

What about when King yells at her, you show quickly everyone else in the neighborhood stopping and watching. Because last we saw, Aiden was joking around or whatever. Even though we know something tense is going to happen here, it might help (or may not, your choice) to show everyone turning their heads to Keira and King, knowing this isn’t good. But that’s just a small suggestion. It might work better without it – to keep us focused on Keira and King, and not distract us with Aiden and everyone looking over. Maybe that’d be implied. I don’t know. Its something to think a second about.

“The front of his pants was wet.” How about, “… pants became wet.”

“She stumbled and fell… King was stumbling back…” How about, “She fell to her knees….”

“CUT through the sheets of frozen rage.” Make no mistake, I like this. But it’s just one more reason to watch out for the two cut’s earlier in the chapter. You don’t want three. Two are okay. Just not the two back to back.

“exertion or anguish, she could not tell.” Just say, “exertion or anguish.”

I like what Aiden says about all it took to get him to take his clothes off for her. I love sardonic humor.

“She narrowed her eyes.” How about, “Her eyes narrowed.” I like the running theme of Aiden and the cafeteria lady.

“… THEN took off the tape. THEN she lifted…” How about just, “…then took off the tape. She lifted the pad…” Don’t say “lifted off the pad”. I think of “lifted off” more as like the space shuttle. You especially don’t want “took OFF the tape… Lifted OFF the pad.” …. How on earth do I spot these things!?!? I should be a professional editor! Oh, and… Hell…. “LIFT the shirt… THEN she took OFF the tape. THEN she LIFTED OFF.” …… So, for that whole thing, how about, “she helped him remove his shirt, then took off the tape. She lifted the pad and swallowed her horror.” I don’t think you need to have the “Holding back a smile” line there when the sentence ends with her swallowing her horror. So… geez… The whole paragraph should go something like……….. “You get good enough meals from her already,” Keira said. She helped him remove his shirt, then took off the tape. She lifted the pad and swallowed her horror. At least now she knew where he’d gotten his scars.”

“There were countless fresh whip marks, so many that his back was not much more than butchered meat… ” How about spicing it up a little? “So many whip marks covered him that his flesh wasn’t much more than butchered meat. Fresh lacerations hide whatever old scars he had. While Keira fought to turn her head away from his tortured state, she couldn’t help but to spot what looked like clumps of dirt mixed in with the wounds. She also saw something that shined like glitter sewn into his back – tiny shards of glass.” ……… I don’t know if that’s a vast improvement, if at all, but at least its an idea.

Later on you repeat “shards of glass”. How about this time you change it to, “fragments of glass”? Or just glass fragments.

“keeping his back exposed than covering THEM with the filthy pad.” I think you should say “covering IT with the filthy pad.” I could try to explain my reasoning, but I’d probably just make it sound more confusing than it is. If you want me to explain myself I’ll give a whack at it, but for now I’ll just say I think you should go with “it” rather than “them” in this case.

I LOVE WHEN SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM! I won’t spoil it though. I love it though! That’s a great image!

I’m not sure, but this word “gingerly” looks familiar. Could you check the chapter to see if you repeat that word? I’m pretty sure I remember seeing that word already. Since its such a unique word, I wouldn’t repeat it in the same chapter. If it is repeated. I’m not positive it is. But it looks familiar.

“In response, what she felt pass through Aiden was akin to being thrown off a pier with a cement block tied around one’s neck.” That sentence just seems clunky. How about something like, “The response she felt through him was like being thrown off a pier with a cement block tied around her neck.”

It’s a small suggestion (as these all are!), but “She was bright as a flame, she flickered, and then she was gone” could be re-written to something like, “She was bright as a flame, flickered, then disappeared.”

“as if the cement block was tied around both their necks.” To avoid repetition, how about something like, “as if the weight dragged them both to the depths.”

“would have left, if he could have.” … Could be somewhat simplified to, “would escape, if he could.”

“ghost of a smirk.” I’m not sure how much you like that phrase, if you like it then keep it, but I’d settle for “traces of a smirk.” Because a ghost is (supposedly) something that’s not really there… while traces of a smirk is more tangible. I see “ghost of a smirk” and think he ISN”T smiling. Traces of a smirk tells me more that he’s onto them, but he’s not going to pounce on it right away. Again, that is such a small issue that the only reason I’m saying it is so you can have choices. You can go with ghost, traces, hints, etc. Actually I do kind of like ghost of a smirk at second glance, lol, so keep it if you want. I’m just not so familiar with that expression.

Also, I’d be careful about repeating names. In this one paragraph (When she came back…) you say Frankie twice, Aiden three times and Keira three times. You may want to re-write that whole paragraph.

“glared murderously at Aiden.” Say “at him”, so that you don’t repeat “Aiden” twice in that paragraph.

“THEN through the labyrinth, THEN onto the square.” How about, “then through the labyrinth and onto the square.”

“she dressed his wounds.” I’m not sure if that’s the wounds from the previous night or new ones for him cussing King out. If they’re new you should say “his newest wounds”. If not, then I suppose you can leave it as it is. It wouldn’t be right to say “his old wounds” since they’re only a day old. You know what I mean?

And that’s that chapter. Perfect timing too, because my Congressman is here for our bathroom stall encounter. I have to say that this was perhaps my favorite chapter in the book so far. Can you believe I covered it in one night? FIVE pages of feedback! And you thought, “Sheesh, that Shaun guy is sure annoying. He won’t shut up.” But the advantage of me being so talkative is that I can give such lengthy feedback! Well, off I go. Wish me luck!

From an airport bathroom stall,

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi Ellie. I’m incredibly down and hate my life, so excuse me if I seem a bit moody. Here are some thoughts on whatever chapter this is.

You repeat the word “insistent” a couple times early on. “constant, insistent, regular” … and “insistent beep was the monitor…”

Two “still’s” in this sentence. “Her tongue STILL felt three times its normal size, and her throat STILL burned with thirst.” Also, I’m not sure if it should be “burned” or “burnt”. I don’t really know the difference enough to know which one is correct.

“because I think you’re not good enough at it.” How about re-writing that to say something like, “because I doubt your abilities/strength/etc.” I don’t know what word you’d want in that final spot, but I think it’d be a little sharper that way.

Oh, this is random, but isn’t it Dr. Clark who has the C.S. Lewis line about “oh, very likely” (they’re that dangerous)… Well if that’s so, then you should have him say more C.S. Lewis lines. I do the same thing with some of my characters. With Trevor Knight, for instance, in each book I try to have him quote some line of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I don’t have to expressly say so, but you get the idea that Trevor Knight loves Monty Python and the Holy Grail. So if you have a more C.S. Lewis lines, fans of C.S. Lewis will pick up on it and… it’s like an inside joke to me. It passes over most people’s heads, but a few people out there get it, and it makes them smile and sort of rewards their attention.

Two even’s here. “even Lin and Erno… Even Apollo…”

Not sure about this… “full attack mode… full defense mode.” Sounds a little silly that way; reduces too much tension.

Hahahahaha I love how you have Frankie hand Colton money after the fight. You did that perfectly!

I like the tampons part (so to speak) and Aiden mumbling. I like the way you used the different spelling to show his skewered speech. And I know I opposed the use of profanity, but I like how Aiden cusses.

She gasped, TRYING TO CATCH HER BREATH.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
She nodded, TRYING TO CATCH HER BREATH

You really do say “breath” too much in your story.

I like the line about a favorite gun being like a favorite disease. I have a new favorite gun on Call of Duty, by the way! The ACR 6.8. It’s built by Magpul! That’s an awesome gun. Give me the SCAR-L, ACR 6.8 and the Barrett sniper rifle, and I’ll be happy as a clam.

----------------- Shaun Holt -----------------
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Hi, Ellie. I always want to call you Keira. For whatever reason, I tend to think of writers of their books as their protagonist. Since she’s your main character, and you made her, it makes me feel like I’m talking to Keira. Just don’t start calling me Mackenzie!!!

Okay, chapter 9 (I think)… The chapter on James – you have it titled “Mountains Beyond Mountains”, but that’s also the title for the next uploaded chapter – on Aiden and Keira’s run through the woods. So…

I don’t like profanity in books. I think you can use another word and it’ll work just fine. So “leave me the f*** alone” can simply become, “leave me alone”… And instead of saying Ethan yelled, you can spice it up a little to “Ethan snapped” … growled, etc.

Just to get nit-picky, you repeat “breath” twice in this chapter, and say “staring” three times.

--- Chapter 10 ---

How about changing “The only sounds were her breath and Aiden’s, her pounding heart and his, their soft footfalls on the fallen leaves” to something like, “The only sounds were their breathing, pounding hearts and soft footfalls on the fallen leaves.”

I love the bit about the magnets and that possibly making them stronger – it’s a good way to say hey, these people aren’t super-natural, there is some science behind it. It’s kind of like in Scooby Doo how you always think there is a ghost or something like that, but its always proven scientifically that it was really the greedy butler.

Hmmm a bit of a mistake in the dialogue. Here, this is literally how it looks…….. “Don’t bother.” His tone was cold. I didn’t do it to protect you. “I did it because…” … you see the mistake, with the “I didn’t do it to protect you” part not in quotation marks? So how about something like, “Don’t bother,” he said in a cold tone. “I didn’t do it to protect you. I did it because…”

I love the line about no matter how annoying you are when you’re alive, you’re no use to me dead.

You have more stared’s and breath’s in this chapter.

“We were already feotuses.” Feotuses? Is that a typo or some weird Canadian spelling?

TYPO ALERT!!! ... “Aiden blew out a long breath of breath air.” People have read up to this chapter, haven’t they? And no one’s caught it?

“with a certain degree of sarcasm.” I know its no big deal, but I don’t think you really need to say that. I can tell from the context that she’s speaking sarcastically…. But you can keep it anyway.

“roast the fish with.” I don’t think you need “with”.

“more from necessity than thirst.” Isn’t that kind of a contradiction? If you drink out of necessity, then don’t you do it to quench thirst? Or are you trying to say she did it more out of obligation than necessity?

I love the line “heavily armed rednecks.” It shows perfectly her disdain for the company.

SHE BETTER NOT DO WHAT HE SAYS SHE’LL DO TO HIM ONE DAY!!!!!!!


------------ Shaun Holt ----------------------
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book

Kate, I read the first two chapters. It looks like you have an interesting story here.

I like how you compare Jenny and Peggy, similar in some ways but completely different in others.

Good luck with the series!

-- Shaun Holt --
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict view book